1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:05,639
("Cars" playing)

2
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:10,344
CHRIS ROCK:
When I was 16, I crossed a
major milestone for teenagers.

3
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:14,082
I finally got
my driver's license.

4
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,783
* Here in my car...

5
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,385
The difference
between taking the bus

6
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,753
and being able to drive
was obvious.

7
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,655
Hey, Tasha, I'm going
down to Alby Square.

8
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,724
You want to come?
Are you taking the bus?

9
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,459
Yeah.
No.

10
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:26,794
Did I mention I have
a two-for-one bus pass?

11
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,263
Hey, Tasha, I'm going
down to Alby Square.

12
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:30,431
You want to come?
Yeah.

13
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,532
I was just about to go there.

14
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:34,535
Bye, Chris.
See you downtown.

15
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,437
(laughs)

16
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,041
(laughing)

17
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,412
Back home at dinner,
the only thing

18
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,380
I was hungry for was a car.

19
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:47,715
Boy, this is
not a library.

20
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,617
If it was, you'd be quiet.

21
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,553
I'm sorry-- I'm looking
for a good deal on a used car.

22
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,355
A car?

23
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,490
Yeah. Since I have my license,
I figured I should have a car.

24
00:00:56,524 --> 00:00:57,425
Did you figure

25
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:58,826
I would tell you you were crazy?

26
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:00,261
If Chris gets a car,

27
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,263
can I have a football helmet?
For what?

28
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:04,332
Because I don't want to be
on the street unprotected.

29
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,533
I think you should get

30
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,534
a Suzuki Samurai.

31
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,568
That's because he thought

32
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,869
the car came with a sword.

33
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,571
But if you don't
get a Samurai,

34
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:11,672
you should get a Audi 5000.

35
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,307
That way, when
you leave a place,

36
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:14,575
you're, like,
"Yo, I'm Audi 5000,

37
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,544
and then you'd be in one--
that'd be cool.

38
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,411
Chris is
not getting

39
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,280
a car.
Come on, Ma,

40
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,115
I saved up $300,
I got my license--

41
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,250
what else do I need?

42
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:23,351
My permission.

43
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,753
$300? That's
a lot of dollars.

44
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,355
300, to be exact.

45
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,656
If he's old enough to save up

46
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,224
that kind of money,
he's old enough

47
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,359
to spend it
on what he wants.

48
00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:34,528
It's a good thing I was
too young for strip clubs.

49
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,909
* Ah, make it funky now.

50
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:59,187
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

51
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:08,196
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

52
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:11,899
I soon found out that
buying a used car wasn't easy.

53
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:14,935
You had to watch out for scams.

54
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,504
$300? That car's gone.

55
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,539
But we got this one.

56
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,241
Only $15,000.

57
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:23,544
$300 down, $300 a month
for 300 months.

58
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:26,814
And some deals were
just too good to be true.

59
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,216
That's right, little dude.

60
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,717
This car is brand-new.

61
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,821
And I'm gonna let you have it
for only $300.

62
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:37,157
Hey, fool!
Get off my new car!

63
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,193
All right, all right.

64
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:43,664
But sometimes the best deals
are right under your nose.

65
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,668
This car is you, nephew!

66
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,703
Let me take another picture.

67
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,839
Yeah... you are hot!

68
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,676
That's it right there,
nephew, that's it.

69
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,611
This is it.
I don't know.

70
00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:00,281
I think I want to look around
a little bit more.

71
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,216
What for?
That's a good car.

72
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,553
Radio works, no dents,
you got a spare in the back,

73
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,588
and it only costs $300.

74
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,624
Plus, you can't even see
the hole in the backseat
where the girl shot at me

75
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:11,925
over a chicken sandwich.

76
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,262
There's a lot of people
pay a lot more money

77
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:16,630
for a car like that.
Then why haven't you
sold it already?

78
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,466
Classified ads
are expensive.

79
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:21,001
If you hadn't called me,
I would've kept it for myself.

80
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,903
And trade it to somebody
for a sandwich.

81
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:25,873
Hey, Chris. Did I just
see you driving that car?

82
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,708
Yeah, I'm thinking
about buying it.

83
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,443
Wow. You're buying a car?

84
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,345
Yeah.
TASHA:
Look at you.

85
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,946
Well, make sure I get a ride.

86
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,248
Maybe we can go shopping.

87
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:38,686
All right.
And you could spend
the rest of your money on her.

88
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,820
I'll take it!

89
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,922
Cool.

90
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,491
I'm gonna go upstairs
and get a pen

91
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,692
so I can sign over
the pink slip.

92
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,694
Here. That's for you.

93
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,996
Ha-ha!

94
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,964
While I was checking out
my new ride,

95
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,767
Drew was checking out
his new pen.

96
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,569
Now you have clothes...

97
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,271
now you don't.

98
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,740
Drew. Let me
borrow that pen.
Huh?

99
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,609
Let me borrow your pen.

100
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,711
Oh, uh, this pen
doesn't work.

101
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,746
I'll go get you one.

102
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,851
That's not suspicious at all.

103
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,589
Whew!

104
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,459
And while Drew acted
like he wasn't hiding anything,

105
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,628
Tonya was acting like my mom.

106
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,296
I don't need this!

107
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,732
My man has two jobs! Hmm.

108
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,066
Someday she's
gonna make somebody

109
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,336
a great ex-wife.

110
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,608
Cigarettes?

111
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,076
"Surgeon General's Warning:

112
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,680
"Smoking causes lung cancer,
heart disease, emphysema,

113
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,715
and may complicate pregnancy."

114
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:47,421
Hmm. Good thing
they got these filters.

115
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:50,658
While Tonya was dressing
like my mother,

116
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,561
Drew was undressing his pen.

117
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,730
(laughs quietly)

118
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:01,001
While Drew was hiding his pen,

119
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,771
my dad was trying
to find a winner.

120
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,105
Lakemuffin?

121
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,375
I wonder if he's related
to Seabiscuit.

122
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:08,376
Hey, Dad.

123
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,010
You got a pen?

124
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,413
Uh... what do you
need a pen for?

125
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,414
For Uncle Michael.

126
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,782
Oh.

127
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:15,883
No.

128
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,685
What are you doing?

129
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,587
Nothing.

130
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,355
Nothing he wants you
to know about.

131
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,856
Have you seen my
sports magazine?

132
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,725
No.

133
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:37,671
She better quit fake smoking,
or she'll get fake cancer.

134
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,774
What are you
doing in here?

135
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,410
I was playing.

136
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:43,477
Play somewhere else.

137
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,679
Go play with matches.

138
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:57,024
Hey, Ma, do you have
a pen for Uncle Michael?

139
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,893
I think there's one upstairs--
I'll go get it for you.

140
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,062
Cool.

141
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,897
Meanwhile, Tonya
was hiding cigarettes

142
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,933
like she was in prison.

143
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:09,837
Tonya?

144
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,472
Do you have a pen?

145
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,806
For what?

146
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,843
For me not to smack
the smart out of you.

147
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,879
Now, find a pen
and give it to Drew.

148
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,785
Hey, babe.
Hey.

149
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,488
Have you...
have we got a pen?

150
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,858
You mean like this one?

151
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,860
(chuckles):
Okay. Thanks.

152
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,695
(quietly):
Right there.

153
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,931
Hey, man, you got that pen?

154
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,067
Uh, Mom's bringing one.

155
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,069
Here, Drew,
here's a pen.
Oh.

156
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,036
Here you go, Uncle Michael.

157
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,572
Sweet!

158
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,707
(music playing)

159
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:47,941
Big man!

160
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,777
Hey, Michael.

161
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,712
Here's that pen, Drew.

162
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,818
This house is full of pens!

163
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,852
What's going on?

164
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,888
Chris just bought my car!

165
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,691
Congratulations.

166
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,693
So, you got a car, huh?
Yeah.

167
00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:06,960
You sign that pink slip?

168
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,562
Sure did.

169
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,798
Here you go.

170
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,866
Want to go for a drive?

171
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,602
Yeah. Right after
you get it registered,

172
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:15,836
pay the title transfer fees,

173
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,105
get plates,
insurance.

174
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,508
And you're gonna
need some gas.

175
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,177
The only person more excited

176
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,213
about me getting a car
was Greg.

177
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:27,681
Oh, man, this is awesome!

178
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,917
This isn't like
when you had your dad's car.

179
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,084
This car's yours.

180
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,186
We can go to the
shore to get girls,

181
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,788
we can drive into
Manhattan to get girls,

182
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,957
we can go to Coney
Island to get girls.

183
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:41,128
You do realize it's still
gonna be us in the car, right?

184
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,731
It doesn't matter--
cars equal girls.

185
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:44,865
Every weekend and week night,

186
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,700
this world's
gonna be our oyster.

187
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:49,803
Sidekicks are always ready
to go at a moment's notice.

188
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,839
They're never aware
of all the preparation

189
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,707
the hero has to go through.

190
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:56,810
Kemo sabe, people in that
town in big trouble.

191
00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:58,111
We go now.

192
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,279
Whoa, whoa.

193
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,248
Slow down, my eager
Indian friend.

194
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:04,117
I need to get my guns,
shine my boots,

195
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,253
feed my horse,
polish my spurs,

196
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,288
get some bullets,
light a fire,

197
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,658
make some coffee,
kiss a girl...

198
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,926
And round up
the rest of the Village People.

199
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,963
I don't know how long it's
gonna be before I can even
afford to start it up.

200
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,131
Plus, the price of gas
is insane right now.

201
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,867
It's, like, 85 cents a gallon.

202
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,969
Now it's 85 cents a drop.

203
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,904
Well, whenever you're ready...

204
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,438
I'll be ready.

205
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:30,878
What's his issue?

206
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,880
I was finally ready
to drive my car,

207
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,784
and it was one of
the happiest days of my life.

208
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,919
("Don't Worry, Be Happy" plays)
(chirping)

209
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,789
Say hello
to Uncle Remus for me.

210
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,924
GIRL:
Hey, Chris!

211
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,794
How you doing?

212
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,100
* Don't worry

213
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:56,003
* Be happy

214
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,271
* Don't worry, be happy

215
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:00,140
(engine starts)

216
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,975
(engine revving)

217
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,543
What the...?

218
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,081
At least
I'll save money on gas.

219
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,249
* Be happy...

220
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,188
While Greg was ready to drive
like Jeff Gordon,

221
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:18,091
I was still riding the bus
like Rosa Parks.

222
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,361
Dude, where's our car?

223
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,263
That sounds like
the title of a movie.

224
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,665
Oh. I couldn't drive it--

225
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:25,833
someone stole my tires
last night.

226
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:29,302
(panting):
Oh, man, I think
I'm gonna hyperventilate.

227
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,041
So, did you call the cops?

228
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,710
When has that ever worked
for black people?

229
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,046
Was there money in the tires?

230
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,113
No.

231
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,281
A baby?

232
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,751
A baby in the tires?

233
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,385
You'd be surprised.

234
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,921
Was this baby black or white?

235
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,223
There was no baby in the tires.

236
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:54,027
Well, tell me, sir, exactly
what was in the tires?

237
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,663
Air.

238
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:56,730
White air?

239
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,065
White air?

240
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,266
You'd be surprised.

241
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:02,069
All right, fill this out,
and we'll see what we can do.

242
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,204
Well, should I move it
so I don't get a ticket?

243
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,706
Don't bother.

244
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:06,907
Too late.

245
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:15,115
Sometimes when my dad was at
work and the kids were asleep,

246
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:19,052
my mom did something that
no one in the house knew about.

247
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:21,188
She smoked.

248
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:43,043
Where are my cigarettes?

249
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,211
The problem
with losing something

250
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:45,713
you're not supposed to have

251
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,048
is you can't tell
anybody you lost it.

252
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,053
Oh, excuse me, Officer.

253
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,988
I'd like to file a report

254
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,890
about some missing crack.

255
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,028
I know they were in here.

256
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:07,768
Did you find
my cigarettes, Julius?

257
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,078
Daily Race Form?

258
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,247
My mom said my dad
couldn't bet on the numbers.

259
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,884
She never said anything about
those numbers being on horses.

260
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,219
Even though
I couldn't drive my car,

261
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,387
I could still enjoy it.

262
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:31,358
I could listen
to music that I liked.

263
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,026
*

264
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:37,364
I could adjust the seat
the way I wanted it.

265
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:40,100
Best of all,
when I was in my car,

266
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,935
nobody could bother me.

267
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,237
Boy, get out
of that car.

268
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:45,472
It's getting late.

269
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:53,413
Meanwhile, my mother wasn't
the only one hiding a secret.

270
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:01,288
The only place his money could
be hidden better was Pakistan.

271
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,060
My form.

272
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,428
Where's my race form?

273
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,066
Drew.

274
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:15,402
(knocking)

275
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,403
Hello?

276
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,071
My father was like the police.

277
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,439
He entered, then knocked.

278
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,952
Even though
I couldn't drive my car,

279
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,955
it still felt pretty good
being a car owner.

280
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,289
Oh, no!

281
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,025
My school books.

282
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,060
I learned that people
will break into a car

283
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,061
to steal anything.

284
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,095
Ahh!

285
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:48,435
Ooh.

286
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,469
Look, a brick.

287
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:01,248
I told you a car was
a big responsibility.

288
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,850
What did they
take this time?

289
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,985
They took the radio,
a box of tissues,

290
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:07,220
one sneaker and the
ashes in the ashtray.

291
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:08,521
They took the ashtray?

292
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,824
No, the ashes in the ashtray.

293
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:11,859
The ashtray's
still in there.

294
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,193
Got it. Anything else?

295
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,194
Yeah,

296
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,362
my homework.
and textbooks.

297
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,496
Why would
they steal those?

298
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:19,299
They take them and sell them
in the white neighborhoods.

299
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,902
Along with aqua socks
and yoga mats.

300
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,470
So what I'll do now?

301
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:26,006
Fill out this form and
we'll see what we can do.

302
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,008
Which means, "Now that
you've wasted my time,

303
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,509
allow me to waste
some of yours."

304
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:32,145
Back at school,
I was showing up later

305
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:35,348
than a black man
at a custody hearing.

306
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,483
Dude, you're really late.

307
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:38,151
This isn't a custody
hearing, you know.

308
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,519
I know. You won't
believe what happened.

309
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,088
Somebody broke into your car

310
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,155
and stole your textbooks
and homework?

311
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,190
Here.

312
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,158
Where'd you find these?

313
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,027
I didn't find them.
I bought them.

314
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,429
I was trying to get some bootleg
college textbooks from this guy

315
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,464
and he offered to throw
these in for half price.

316
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,100
You owe me ten bucks.

317
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,935
Well, you're gonna have
to wait because I'm broke.

318
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,369
I mean, I never
imagined having a car

319
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,504
would be this much trouble.

320
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,039
I've haven't even
driven it yet

321
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,207
and it's costing
me a fortune.

322
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,374
I'm just gonna
get rid of it.

323
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,310
What?! Are you crazy?

324
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,377
You can't do that.

325
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,412
What about the girls?

326
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,047
What about
Coney Island?

327
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,916
Greg, my car doesn't
even have tires.

328
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,317
Dude, that
doesn't matter.

329
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,219
If you're giving up
on this car, it means

330
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,921
you're giving up on me,
and that's not happening.

331
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,289
Kiss my ascot!

332
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,524
It had taken longer
than I thought,

333
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:21,161
but I finally had everything
I needed to hit the road.

334
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,195
Thanks for the loan, Doc.

335
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:23,330
I figured it's worth it.

336
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:27,134
I get a reliable ride and
a driver when I need it.

337
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:29,336
Oh, I'll take you
wherever you want to go.
As long as

338
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,503
you don't want to go anywhere.

339
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,504
Let's roll.

340
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,142
(engine not starting)

341
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:36,209
What's the matter?

342
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,011
It won't start.

343
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,680
Looks like you out of gas.

344
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,549
But the tank was full.

345
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,951
Well...

346
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,352
I see the problem.

347
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,421
Looks like you getting siphoned.

348
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:58,231
I would get out, but he'd
probably just rob me.

349
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:02,970
Later, I went and got gas

350
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:06,639
and now I really had everything
I needed to get on the road.

351
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,212
Everything except a car.

352
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:20,988
The cops got used
to coming to my house

353
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,255
more than O.J. and Nicole's.

354
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:23,623
It was right there.

355
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,125
Was there money in it?

356
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,126
No.

357
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,294
A baby?

358
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,996
No! There was no
money and no baby.

359
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,130
It was just my car.

360
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:34,234
"No... money... no...

361
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,003
baby...

362
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:39,006
just... car..."

363
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,440
Are you just gonna
stand there and write,

364
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,309
or are you gonna
do something?

365
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:52,719
Do something?

366
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:53,720
Yeah.

367
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:55,722
Tell you what.

368
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,358
You got copies of your...

369
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,460
Registration?

370
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,196
Yeah, I'll be right back.

371
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:10,170
"Do something."

372
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,638
Yeah, we'll get right on it.

373
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,448
Cigarettes?

374
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,217
Careful-- they may
complicate your pregnancy.

375
00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,229
Chris!

376
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,100
Hey, baby.

377
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,569
Hey, Ma.

378
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,344
By dinnertime,
that pack of cigarettes

379
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:52,745
was burning
a hole in my pocket.

380
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:55,148
Hey, Ma, I found this pack
of cigarettes in my drawer.

381
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,549
Cigarettes?
Yeah, I don't
know whose they are,

382
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:58,585
but they're not mine,
and I don't want to get

383
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,387
in trouble for it,
so here you go.

384
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,155
Not mine.
They're not mine.

385
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,326
Why is everybody looking at me?

386
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,527
Because you're smoking a carrot.

387
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,265
All right, all right, all right!
They're mine!

388
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,534
You smoke?

389
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,735
Ma, the surgeon general
says you can't...

390
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:18,205
I know what he says. It's
written on the side of the box.

391
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,673
Then how come you still smoke?

392
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,343
Yeah. If there was a sign
on the side of our dinner

393
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,212
that says it will cause
cancer and birth defects,

394
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:26,646
you would slap
the salad out of us

395
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:27,780
if you found
us eating it.

396
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,349
Well, I get stressed out.

397
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,350
Oh, well,

398
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,284
we won't get out stressed at all

399
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,220
when you have to get
your lungs removed.

400
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,554
CHRIS:
Yeah, like when Dad

401
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,423
had the gout and...
Okay, fine,
fine, fine.

402
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:37,324
I quit.

403
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,359
Ironically, smoking
caused my mother

404
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,261
a lot more stress
than not smoking.

405
00:17:41,294 --> 00:17:42,462
See?

406
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:43,563
Happy now?

407
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,698
How long have you
been hiding this?

408
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,800
Me?

409
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,570
Well, how long have
you been hiding this?

410
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:51,404
Dad, you been gambling?

411
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:52,472
DREW:
You know how

412
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,407
Ma feels about that.
Mmm.

413
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:57,544
Yeah? We'll see how she
feels about this.

414
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,812
Ooh. You have a naked-lady pen?

415
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,249
No, Drew has
a naked-lady pen.

416
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,518
Secretly, he was happy
it wasn't a naked-man pen.

417
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:06,619
Oh, no. We gotta talk.

418
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:07,620
Wait a minute.

419
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,156
I still don't
understand how

420
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,657
the pack of cigarettes
got in my drawer.

421
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:11,724
Well, I didn't put them there.

422
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:12,492
Neither did I.

423
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:13,626
Me neither.

424
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,830
Ooh.
Tonya, if
you were

425
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,599
smoking so
help me...
Mama, I wasn't smoking.

426
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,568
I was going through your
stuff and I found them

427
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,736
and Daddy almost caught me,
so I hid them in Chris's room

428
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,372
so h would get in
trouble instead of me.

429
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:26,739
How did you get my racing form?

430
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,575
Well, I was going
through your stuff

431
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:29,376
looking for my stuff.

432
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:30,643
How did you find my pen?

433
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,379
I thought you had
my racing form.

434
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:33,280
And how'd you find

435
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,447
those cigarettes anyway?

436
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:35,615
Cause you put them

437
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:36,816
in my drawer.
Mmm.

438
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,818
You see, this is your fault.

439
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,453
You were in there
doing something

440
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:41,788
that you ain't had
no business doing.

441
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,890
and the next thing you know,
nobody's business

442
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,192
is everybody' business.

443
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:48,228
Are you gonna
put me on punishment?

444
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,163
Is that your business? No!

445
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:51,464
You'll find out
what happens to you

446
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,600
when it happens to
you. Now go upstairs.

447
00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,273
After Tonya got busted,
the cops finally found my car.

448
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,842
Unfortunately,
it was a lost cause.

449
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:07,947
They even stole the paint?!

450
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,349
I'm sorry, Chris.
Tell you what.

451
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:10,517
Since you seem
like a nice kid.

452
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,718
I'll give you $50 for it.

453
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,320
I could use it
for scrap metal.

454
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:15,688
Well... I guess

455
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,624
it's better than nothing. Deal.

456
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,859
But since you owe me $40
for the tow, I'll give you $10.

457
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:20,627
$11.00.

458
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,594
$10.50.

459
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:22,562
$10.75.

460
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,730
Deal.

461
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:31,471
Oh, yeah. You got some, uh,
some cans and junk in the trunk.

462
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,672
You want any of it?

463
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:35,242
Too late.
JLo's already got it.

464
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,509
Nah. What's the point?

465
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:37,644
You can have it.

466
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,979
All right.

467
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,848
At the end of the day,
I ended up

468
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,650
paying $300
for my first car,

469
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,987
I never got to drive it,
but I was taken for a ride.

470
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,422
Now, here's a feel-good story

471
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,258
we like to call
"Junkyard Treasure."

472
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:54,994
It happened this afternoon
when this man, Miguel Rodriguez,

473
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,464
the manager of an impound
lot in Bed-Stuy,

474
00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:01,468
found $5,000 in the trunk
of an old Camaro.
What?!

475
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,636
I bought the car off
some kid for $10.75.

476
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:06,306
Eh? An-and I asked him if he
wanted anything in the trunk,

477
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:07,474
and he told me to keep it.

478
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,809
So I looked inside this little
can and found I $5,000!

479
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,279
Ain't this about a...!

480
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,547
* Everybody hates Chris.

481
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:18,585
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