1 00:04:25,389 --> 00:04:26,932 Hiya, folks. 2 00:04:26,932 --> 00:04:28,559 My name is Dave Starr. 3 00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:30,895 Y'know, I feel miserable this afternoon. 4 00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:32,521 Last night I dreamt I was locked up in a room 5 00:04:32,521 --> 00:04:34,440 with a thousand beautiful blondes. 6 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,442 And a thousand beautiful brunettes. 7 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,694 Then I dreamt I was a woman. 8 00:04:38,694 --> 00:04:41,572 But I want you to know, I come from a very honest family. 9 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:42,990 Even/body in my family is honest 10 00:04:42,990 --> 00:04:44,533 except my brother. 11 00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:45,951 He's the one who finds things 12 00:04:45,951 --> 00:04:47,661 before they're lost. 13 00:04:47,661 --> 00:04:48,913 He was up the river so many times 14 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,456 they called him "showboat“. 15 00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:51,957 In fact, he did 30 days so often, 16 00:04:51,957 --> 00:04:54,084 they decided to name a month after him. 17 00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:55,127 My brother. 18 00:04:55,127 --> 00:04:56,837 He studied for a doctor once. 19 00:04:56,837 --> 00:04:59,256 The doctor was too busy to study for himself. 20 00:04:59,256 --> 00:05:01,050 Now, my brother became an MD, 21 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,843 a mental deficient. 22 00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:04,470 What a doctor he was. 23 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,680 He treated a guy five years for yellow jaundice 24 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,725 before he found out the guy was a Chinaman. 25 00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,685 Well, they finally took his license away, 26 00:05:11,685 --> 00:05:14,605 'cause he committed an illegal operation. 27 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,982 He opened up a guys head with a beer bottle. 28 00:05:16,982 --> 00:05:19,610 -Why, Dave Starr, how are you? -Hey, Joe E. Starr-- 29 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,653 Joe E. Ross, 30 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,738 -as I live and breathe. -How ya been? 31 00:05:22,738 --> 00:05:24,490 Waiting for-- c'mon, hurry up and do that song of yours 32 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:25,574 -and we'll get outta here. -Oh, no, I'm sorry, 33 00:05:25,574 --> 00:05:27,284 I can't do that song today, I got a headache. 34 00:05:27,284 --> 00:05:28,577 -You got a headache? -Uh-huh. 35 00:05:28,577 --> 00:05:29,703 Well, man, why don't you do what I do 36 00:05:29,703 --> 00:05:30,579 when I get a headache? 37 00:05:30,579 --> 00:05:31,664 Why, whaddya do? 38 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,207 Well, I go home, I take my wife, 39 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:34,834 -she lies down on the sofa-- -Ah-huh. 40 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,627 -I lie down alongside of her. -Ah-huh. 41 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,962 I rest my head on her shoulder, 42 00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:40,047 -just like this. -Oh, yes? 43 00:05:40,047 --> 00:05:41,924 -She kisses me a few times. -Uh-huh. 44 00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:42,883 And my headache disappears 45 00:05:42,883 --> 00:05:44,009 just like magic. 46 00:05:44,009 --> 00:05:45,719 Why don't you try it sometime? 47 00:05:45,719 --> 00:05:47,179 Gee, I think I will. 48 00:05:47,179 --> 00:05:49,557 Uh, what time will your wife be home? 49 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:50,850 Oh, c'mon, you never-- 50 00:22:23,424 --> 00:22:24,384 Hi, honey. 51 00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:25,635 Hi, how're you? 52 00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:27,303 Oh, trouble with my husband again. 53 00:22:27,303 --> 00:22:29,180 He's so cheap, if he doesn't give me some money 54 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,683 to buy some new clothes I'm just going to leave him. 55 00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:32,684 Your husband? 56 00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:33,810 Why, my husband's 57 00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,895 the cheapest thing on two feet. 58 00:22:35,895 --> 00:22:37,522 But I've got a plan. 59 00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:39,107 If he doesn't give me any money today 60 00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,317 I think I'm gonna walk right past the pool room 61 00:22:41,317 --> 00:22:42,986 without a stitch of clothing on. 62 00:22:42,986 --> 00:22:44,821 You know, that sounds like a good idea. 63 00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,239 I've got news, it works for you, 64 00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:48,116 I'm gonna do the exact same thing. 65 00:22:48,116 --> 00:22:49,909 Shh, here he comes now. 66 00:22:50,785 --> 00:22:52,328 Hello, baby, darling. 67 00:22:52,328 --> 00:22:54,831 Don't you call me baby darling, you cheap thing. 68 00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:57,458 Honey, do I-- why should you say I'm cheap? 69 00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,878 I just happen to have an impediment in my reach. 70 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:01,629 Money, that's the last thing I think about 71 00:23:01,629 --> 00:23:03,006 before going to bed every night. 72 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:04,424 Well, I've got news for you, 73 00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,758 if you don't give me some money right now 74 00:23:05,758 --> 00:23:07,051 to buy some new clothes, 75 00:23:07,051 --> 00:23:08,553 I'm going to walk right past the pool room 76 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,221 without a stitch of anything on. 77 00:23:10,221 --> 00:23:11,264 Honey, you gonna tell me that you'd walk right-- 78 00:23:11,264 --> 00:23:12,265 I would. 79 00:23:12,265 --> 00:23:13,600 Without a stitch-- 80 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,226 Shame me in front of all my friends? 81 00:23:15,226 --> 00:23:17,103 -I would. -Well, bet you would at that. 82 00:23:17,103 --> 00:23:18,813 Well, Ijust happen to have a few bucks with me, 83 00:23:18,813 --> 00:23:21,524 honey, so let me see, all right. 84 00:23:21,524 --> 00:23:23,109 I just cashed my relief check, see? 85 00:23:23,109 --> 00:23:24,277 One thousand, two thousand, three... 86 00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:28,364 Hey, what're you doing with my loot? 87 00:23:28,364 --> 00:23:30,033 She took it. 88 00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:31,200 Well, how about giving me 89 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,869 a kiss now to seal the bargain? 90 00:23:35,204 --> 00:23:36,372 You call that a kiss? 91 00:23:36,372 --> 00:23:38,541 You call yourself a bargain? 92 00:23:38,541 --> 00:23:39,751 How do you like it... 93 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,087 I told you it'd pay off. 94 00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:45,048 Well, that's it. 95 00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:47,634 Wait 'til I get my husband now. 96 00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,636 Hey, hello, doll, hi. 97 00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,262 You're late. 98 00:23:51,262 --> 00:23:53,514 I'm sorry I'm late, I had an automobile accident. 99 00:23:54,349 --> 00:23:55,808 An automobile accident? 100 00:23:55,808 --> 00:23:57,602 Yeah, I fell out of the patrol wagon. 101 00:23:57,602 --> 00:24:01,397 Oh, stop those bum jokes you Cheapskate, you. 102 00:24:01,397 --> 00:24:02,607 Oh, don't call me a Cheapskate, 103 00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:03,650 I'm not cheap. 104 00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:04,609 You know, I go out. 105 00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:05,818 That's one thing about me, 106 00:24:05,818 --> 00:24:07,487 I don't care what I do with my money 107 00:24:07,487 --> 00:24:09,155 as long as I don't spend it. 108 00:24:09,155 --> 00:24:10,698 Oh, yeah? 109 00:24:10,698 --> 00:24:12,367 And you know what I'm really doing, see, 110 00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:15,370 I'm putting away enough money for a rainy day. 111 00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:18,081 Oh yeah, well how much have you saved? 112 00:24:18,081 --> 00:24:19,332 Well, I'll tell you the truth, 113 00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:21,042 it ever rains two days in a row, 114 00:24:21,042 --> 00:24:22,251 I'm broke. 115 00:24:22,251 --> 00:24:24,212 Broke? You're not broke, 116 00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:25,880 you just don't want to give me any money 117 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,007 to spend on clothes, that's all. 118 00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:30,093 Why, do you know that if you don't give me any money, 119 00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,387 well I'm gonna go past that pool room 120 00:24:32,387 --> 00:24:34,180 where all your friends seem to congregate 121 00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:37,141 and walk there undressed. 122 00:24:37,141 --> 00:24:38,518 You're going to walk by the pool room 123 00:24:38,518 --> 00:24:40,019 in front of all my friends undressed? 124 00:24:40,019 --> 00:24:41,145 -That's right. -Is that what you're gonna do 125 00:24:41,145 --> 00:24:42,438 in front of all my friends? 126 00:24:42,438 --> 00:24:43,940 Certainly. 127 00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:46,901 Well, when you pass the post office, here, 128 00:24:46,901 --> 00:24:48,695 mail this letter. 129 00:35:54,568 --> 00:35:56,236 Well, here I am once again-- 130 00:35:56,236 --> 00:35:58,405 -Hey, Dave, how you been? -Hey, Joey, how you been? 131 00:35:58,405 --> 00:36:00,074 I been looking for you, how you been? 132 00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:01,825 -I've been looking for you. -Oh, I've been in Paris. 133 00:36:01,825 --> 00:36:03,452 -You've been in Paris? -Oh, land of romance. 134 00:36:03,452 --> 00:36:04,411 How bout that... 135 00:36:04,411 --> 00:36:05,663 If a man has three girls, 136 00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:06,747 he's called an orchid. 137 00:36:06,747 --> 00:36:08,123 -In Paris? -That's right. 138 00:36:08,123 --> 00:36:09,083 And if he walks down the street 139 00:36:09,083 --> 00:36:09,917 with two girls, 140 00:36:09,917 --> 00:36:11,627 he's called a daisy. 141 00:36:11,627 --> 00:36:13,128 -A daisy? -Uh-huh. 142 00:36:13,128 --> 00:36:15,381 And, if he walks down the street with one girl, 143 00:36:15,381 --> 00:36:16,298 he's called a rose. 144 00:36:16,298 --> 00:36:17,925 A rose, how bout that? 145 00:36:17,925 --> 00:36:19,009 Say, how do you rate? 146 00:36:19,009 --> 00:36:20,719 Shake hands with a stinkweed. 147 00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:22,304 Stinkweed. 148 00:36:22,304 --> 00:36:23,889 Yeah, I don't understand it, I don't know, like, 149 00:36:23,889 --> 00:36:25,516 what'd you have to do to get a girl around here? 150 00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:27,142 I can't get myself arrested, I can't get a girl? 151 00:36:27,142 --> 00:36:29,269 Well, as I understand it, there's 8 girls 152 00:36:29,269 --> 00:36:30,604 to every fella in this neighborhood. 153 00:36:30,604 --> 00:36:32,272 Well then, I got news for you, 154 00:36:32,272 --> 00:36:34,233 see, there must be somebody running around here with 16 155 00:36:34,233 --> 00:36:35,567 because I ain't got even one. 156 00:36:35,567 --> 00:36:38,028 Well, around here you gotta have it. 157 00:36:38,028 --> 00:36:39,154 Well, I've got that. 158 00:36:39,154 --> 00:36:40,823 -What's that? -That's it. 159 00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:42,032 Well, you came to the right party. 160 00:36:42,032 --> 00:36:43,534 -Yeah? -You see, I have this 161 00:36:43,534 --> 00:36:45,035 magic perfume, comes all the way from Paris. 162 00:36:45,035 --> 00:36:46,161 -Magic perfume? -That's right. 163 00:36:46,161 --> 00:36:47,746 I put it on this handkerchief. 164 00:36:47,746 --> 00:36:49,164 Now, all I have to do is waft this handkerchief 165 00:36:49,164 --> 00:36:50,499 under a young lady's nose. 166 00:36:50,499 --> 00:36:51,667 -Waft it under there? -That's right. 167 00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:53,335 Say the magic words of French, 168 00:36:53,335 --> 00:36:56,046 and the girl immediately will fall in love with you. 169 00:36:56,046 --> 00:36:58,090 Aw, Joey, you're joshing me, you know that? 170 00:36:58,090 --> 00:36:59,967 You know I don't believe that-- 171 00:36:59,967 --> 00:37:02,010 Oh, here comes a young lady now. 172 00:37:02,010 --> 00:37:03,429 A young lady's coming along, 173 00:37:03,429 --> 00:37:05,013 and I'll show you that this works. 174 00:37:05,013 --> 00:37:07,057 -How bout that? -Isn't she cute? 175 00:37:07,057 --> 00:37:10,060 -Yeah, nice, that's nice. -I'II show you how this works. 176 00:37:10,060 --> 00:37:13,313 -Let me see how it works. -Why, what a wonderful perfume. 177 00:37:13,313 --> 00:37:14,565 How bout it? 178 00:37:16,442 --> 00:37:17,818 ...mink coat. 179 00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:19,194 -Dar|ing. -It works? It works? 180 00:37:19,194 --> 00:37:20,571 Hey, give me that handkerchief. 181 00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:21,905 Give it to you? I'll sell it to you. 182 00:37:21,905 --> 00:37:23,323 Sell it to me? How much? 183 00:37:23,323 --> 00:37:24,908 -50 dollars. -50 dollars? 184 00:37:24,908 --> 00:37:26,702 That's a lot of money to blow in. 185 00:37:26,702 --> 00:37:28,579 -I'II give you a buck. -I'II take it. 186 00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:31,206 Give me, I owe you a buck. 187 00:37:31,206 --> 00:37:32,750 Now, all I gotta do is waft it on the nose. 188 00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:33,792 That's right. 189 00:37:33,792 --> 00:37:35,461 Waft on the nose. 190 00:37:38,213 --> 00:37:42,176 Oh, I want you to make my spine tingle. 191 00:37:42,176 --> 00:37:44,219 Make me feel good. 192 00:37:44,219 --> 00:37:46,889 Make me feel great all over. 193 00:37:46,889 --> 00:37:49,224 Lady, you don't want a man, what you need is a masseur. 194 00:37:49,224 --> 00:37:51,143 -How about that, eh? -You're doing all right. 195 00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:52,686 Keep going. 196 00:37:57,232 --> 00:37:59,318 ...and a skunk jacket. 197 00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:01,028 Darling. 198 00:38:02,905 --> 00:38:04,573 Hankies, smells, who needs them. 199 00:38:04,573 --> 00:38:06,033 I got my own odors. 200 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:08,952 Hey. 201 00:58:54,488 --> 00:58:55,948 Hello, folks. 202 00:58:55,948 --> 00:58:58,117 You know, I went to the track this afternoon. 203 00:58:58,117 --> 00:58:59,577 I took my wife with me. 204 00:58:59,577 --> 00:59:01,912 She's one of the best nags I know! 205 00:59:01,912 --> 00:59:04,248 I don't wanna say my wife is exactly fat, 206 00:59:04,248 --> 00:59:06,584 all I know is she bent over to tie her Shoelaces 207 00:59:06,584 --> 00:59:08,502 and somebody threw a saddle over her. 208 00:59:08,502 --> 00:59:10,087 So what happened? What happened? 209 00:59:10,087 --> 00:59:12,923 She came in second on page 680. 210 00:59:12,923 --> 00:59:14,842 You know, marriage is like a warm bath. 211 00:59:14,842 --> 00:59:17,094 Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. 212 00:59:17,094 --> 00:59:18,637 Now you take my wife. 213 00:59:18,637 --> 00:59:20,431 Please! 214 00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,433 You know I got married for better or for worse, 215 00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:25,061 I couldn't do any better and she couldn't do any worse, 216 00:59:25,061 --> 00:59:27,188 and she was worse than I took her for. 217 00:59:27,188 --> 00:59:30,107 All I accepted from her father was a 12 room house, 218 00:59:30,107 --> 00:59:32,276 a yacht, a Cadillac convertible, 219 00:59:32,276 --> 00:59:34,070 and 51 percent of his business. 220 00:59:34,070 --> 00:59:35,946 After that, I was on my own. 221 00:59:35,946 --> 00:59:38,157 Well, I gotta go now, folks. 222 00:59:38,157 --> 00:59:40,242 You see, it's the kiddies night off to go to the movies 223 00:59:40,242 --> 00:59:42,078 so I gotta go home and mind the maid. 224 00:59:42,078 --> 00:59:44,246 I'll see you later.