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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

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Most movies...
You ever talk about a movie

3
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with someone that happens
to have read the book?

4
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They're always so condescending.

5
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"Oh, the book was much better."

6
00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:44,804
"Oh, really? What I enjoyed
about the movie... no reading."

7
00:00:47,006 --> 00:00:48,875
I'm thinking
about getting a pet.

8
00:00:48,908 --> 00:00:51,209
I'mma get a dog. You know,
that's what I'mma get.

9
00:00:51,243 --> 00:00:54,312
I don't like cats. I don't...
Cats don't do anything.

10
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:57,750
They don't... They don't have
any responsibilities.

11
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No, really, come on, you
never heard of a guard cat.

12
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Or a bomb-sniffing cat.

13
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Or a seeing-eye cat.

14
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Pop Tarts... Can there be
a simpler food item?

15
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Directions on Pop Tarts.
Like, if they weren't there,

16
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would somebody, like,
put the box down?

17
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"What? I...

18
00:01:28,715 --> 00:01:31,684
How do I get
that goodness in me?"

19
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I told my mother when I was
14 I wanted to be a comedian.

20
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And she said, "Oh, maybe
it's better if you just die."

21
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I like Italian delis.

22
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There's just no options.

23
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It just says sandwich.

24
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And there's a guy in there
cutting the meat.

25
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"It's going to be good."

26
00:01:56,642 --> 00:01:58,477
You know, when you get older,
you don't know you older

27
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because the old stuff
just happen to you.

28
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Like, you be pouring cereal
and your knee will go out.

29
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You'll go, "Oh."

30
00:02:08,821 --> 00:02:10,589
I was bullied
when I was a little kid.

31
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I was bullied when I was in
school for being Asian-American.

32
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The biggest problem with that
is that I am not Asian-American.

33
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:21,968
I feel like I'm

34
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a reasonably intelligent
human being.

35
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And I'd say it probably
took me about six years

36
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to realize that will.i.am

37
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was just William
with dots in it.

38
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Anyone else have that same...

39
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I feel like half of you right
now are like, "Oh, my God.

40
00:02:41,821 --> 00:02:43,956
It's William with dots in it."

41
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It's the little things we miss.

42
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Emcee: Alright, guys,
we're gonna

43
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keep the comedy rolling here.

44
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But just reminder,
we got 25-cent wings

45
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for the next 30 minutes

46
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and beer buckets till 10:00.

47
00:03:02,942 --> 00:03:06,344
Next up is one of my favorites
here at the open mic.

48
00:03:06,378 --> 00:03:10,448
Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

49
00:03:11,951 --> 00:03:13,719
Every time I go
to a Chinese restaurant,

50
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this is what
all of my friends do to me.

51
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They're like, "Will, Will,
order in Mandarin.

52
00:03:18,658 --> 00:03:20,126
It's gonna sound hilarious.

53
00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:22,427
Order in Mandarin, bro.
They got to hook it up."

54
00:03:22,460 --> 00:03:24,931
I'm like, "Bro,
we're in Panda Express.

55
00:03:24,964 --> 00:03:27,432
Her name tag says
Consuela on it.

56
00:03:27,465 --> 00:03:29,669
I don't think
that's a Mandarin name.

57
00:03:29,702 --> 00:03:32,370
Like, what do you expect,
if I order in Mandarin

58
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some ninja's going to pop up
from behind the kitchens

59
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just like, 'Poof, here's your
Kung Pao panda penis'"?

60
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You know?

61
00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:40,713
I took this tall girl
to a concert, right?

62
00:03:40,746 --> 00:03:42,982
I couldn't see anything,
so I was miserable.

63
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I couldn't see anything.

64
00:03:44,817 --> 00:03:47,053
So I just looked up at her.
I'm like, "Hey, pick me up."

65
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People are using their phone for
everything except as a phone.

66
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You have to text now.

67
00:03:56,428 --> 00:04:01,100
I was okay with emojis
because it used to be yellow.

68
00:04:01,133 --> 00:04:03,401
And I was pretty okay with that.

69
00:04:03,435 --> 00:04:05,671
It should just stay that way.

70
00:04:05,705 --> 00:04:07,874
Now they have like five shades
of different colors, right?

71
00:04:07,907 --> 00:04:09,541
It's confusing.

72
00:04:09,574 --> 00:04:11,711
I was trying to text
my black friend a thumbs up.

73
00:04:11,744 --> 00:04:13,612
I wasn't sure if I should
text him my thumbs up

74
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or his thumbs up.

75
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I never texted him back.

76
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Thank you, guys, that's my time.
I'm Will Chu.

77
00:04:21,821 --> 00:04:24,456
Keep it going. Yeah.

78
00:04:24,489 --> 00:04:26,125
Good job.

79
00:04:26,158 --> 00:04:28,160
Thank you for waiting it out.

80
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I got some jokes for you.

81
00:04:29,896 --> 00:04:32,999
You ever notice how long
a giraffe's neck is?

82
00:04:33,032 --> 00:04:37,203
- Yeah?
- Giraffe scarfs.

83
00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:39,972
Sore throats. You use that.
It's cute.

84
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I'll... I'll try it out.

85
00:04:42,141 --> 00:04:44,476
Oh, God, I'm full.

86
00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:46,712
Thanks for coming.

87
00:04:46,746 --> 00:04:48,147
- Hey, Quinn.
- Dude.

88
00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:49,715
Dude, love your bringer.

89
00:04:49,749 --> 00:04:51,183
What retirement home
did you get him from?

90
00:04:51,217 --> 00:04:53,551
It's gotten so bad
I have to invite my neighbors.

91
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:56,621
I'm so sick of asking people
to pay to come watch me.

92
00:04:56,656 --> 00:04:58,658
I wish I was
doing "The Tonight Show,"

93
00:04:58,691 --> 00:05:00,760
but you gotta keep working
to take a bigger shot.

94
00:05:00,793 --> 00:05:03,162
- And here we are.
- Emcee: Show him some love.

95
00:05:03,195 --> 00:05:04,897
Watch me destroy.

96
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:10,169
What's up, what's up, what's up?
Make some noise.

97
00:05:10,202 --> 00:05:12,238
Keep it going for Will.

98
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,240
Your bringer didn't pay his tab.

99
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Are you serious?

100
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Yeah.
And don't run the light again.

101
00:05:18,144 --> 00:05:19,611
...Asian doctor.

102
00:05:19,645 --> 00:05:21,247
I've never seen an Asian vet.

103
00:05:26,252 --> 00:05:27,687
How was school?

104
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,789
Getting them
to dissect frogs was fun.

105
00:05:29,822 --> 00:05:32,457
Getting them to wash
their hands was not.

106
00:05:39,632 --> 00:05:42,234
Yo, that's my ranch, right?

107
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Yes.

108
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They asked if you wanted a side
of ranch and you said no, right?

109
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Yes.

110
00:05:49,175 --> 00:05:52,745
Then why are you using my ranch?

111
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I knew you would get a side
of ranch so I didn't have to.

112
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You are frugal.
Like a old Chinese woman.

113
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Speaking of which,
I ordered us

114
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the 42-ounce bag of
Cool Ranch Doritos.

115
00:06:04,724 --> 00:06:06,926
Why didn't you just buy
four 10-ounce bags?

116
00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:09,028
- How is that a fun Instagram?
- Doing it for the Gram.

117
00:06:09,061 --> 00:06:12,298
Mm-hmm.

118
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:17,069
Hey, I just want to say
I really enjoy my time with you.

119
00:06:17,103 --> 00:06:18,671
You make me laugh.

120
00:06:18,704 --> 00:06:21,073
It's nice to know
we're moving forward together.

121
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I agree.

122
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Not only are you gorgeous,

123
00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:31,017
but I love that you eat
like an eighth grader.

124
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- Comedy Cellar.
- Hi. I'm calling

125
00:06:42,328 --> 00:06:44,562
in regards to auditioning
to becoming a regular.

126
00:06:44,596 --> 00:06:45,931
You have to have
two recommendations

127
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from two existing regulars.
Who are they?

128
00:06:47,733 --> 00:06:49,135
- Two existing?
- Look, I got to go.

129
00:06:49,168 --> 00:06:51,704
Hello? Hello?

130
00:06:51,737 --> 00:06:54,774
Hey, Gary, can I borrow a pen?

131
00:06:58,177 --> 00:07:01,347
Boom. What's going on
with that windshield claim?

132
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:02,748
I was trying to wrap it up.

133
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Wrong.

134
00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:07,887
Do or do not.
There is no...

135
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:11,257
- T-There is no...?
- There is no try.

136
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:14,727
Try. Yoda.
"Empire Strikes Back."

137
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,762
Looking good there, Gary.

138
00:07:18,931 --> 00:07:22,301
Yeah. Getting dirty today.
I love it.

139
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:24,303
I just got a six-car pileup
in from Indy.

140
00:07:24,336 --> 00:07:26,939
It's a mess. It's a mess.
So that's been expedited,

141
00:07:26,972 --> 00:07:28,808
which means you're
getting it expedited.

142
00:07:28,841 --> 00:07:31,811
So I'm going to need
these folders ASAP.

143
00:07:31,844 --> 00:07:34,180
Oh, and, Will, remember
I want all this stuff

144
00:07:34,213 --> 00:07:36,816
in Times New Roman at 14 point.

145
00:07:48,694 --> 00:07:51,197
I'm trying to get
my set ready to audition.

146
00:07:51,230 --> 00:07:54,300
- Right. So, what's your plan?
- I don't know.

147
00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:56,368
It's hard to get stage time
with no credits.

148
00:07:56,402 --> 00:07:58,838
I've been looking for options
other than Mickey's.

149
00:07:58,871 --> 00:08:00,206
There just hasn't
been anything.

150
00:08:06,979 --> 00:08:08,647
Sorry, Quinn is texting me.

151
00:08:08,681 --> 00:08:10,716
He's at the open mic
and he said it's packed.

152
00:08:10,749 --> 00:08:13,419
It's packed?
You should go.

153
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:15,955
Here you go. Thanks.

154
00:08:15,988 --> 00:08:20,893
Oh, great choice.
This is my favorite bear.

155
00:08:20,926 --> 00:08:23,095
It's nice to see
someone happy at work.

156
00:08:23,129 --> 00:08:25,865
You know, when I think about
my job, the only silver lining

157
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is I can't possibly
hang myself in the cubicle.

158
00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:30,970
- Not funny.
- Well, I thought about it.

159
00:08:31,003 --> 00:08:33,038
With three walls,
you actually can't.

160
00:08:33,072 --> 00:08:34,940
- Hey.
- Okay, but all I'm saying

161
00:08:34,974 --> 00:08:37,276
is I don't think my mother and
father came here and sacrificed

162
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,246
so I can end up shorting
people on insurance claims.

163
00:08:40,279 --> 00:08:41,947
I want to be a working comic.

164
00:08:41,981 --> 00:08:44,383
Basically I look at the road
ahead of me right now

165
00:08:44,416 --> 00:08:45,951
and it's in a cubicle
selling things

166
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:47,253
I don't believe in.

167
00:08:47,286 --> 00:08:48,787
I'd rather see my name
on the marquee,

168
00:08:48,821 --> 00:08:50,923
something I can get
excited about.

169
00:08:50,956 --> 00:08:54,026
And enjoy, you know?
Something I'm proud of.

170
00:08:54,059 --> 00:08:56,962
Oh, for an additional $6,
you can get this put in.

171
00:08:56,996 --> 00:08:59,265
$6? Does it have Bluetooth?

172
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:05,070
I tell you, my girlfriend
caught me the other day.

173
00:09:05,104 --> 00:09:07,473
Caught me the other... just,
you know what, it's just...

174
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,441
She just caught me.
I'm secure about it.

175
00:09:09,475 --> 00:09:13,779
You just gotta keep your cool.
Just do this, alright?

176
00:09:13,812 --> 00:09:15,915
"You're next, bitch.

177
00:09:15,948 --> 00:09:17,850
You like that? You like that?"

178
00:09:17,883 --> 00:09:19,084
Yes, and ladies,
I know it's small.

179
00:09:19,118 --> 00:09:20,853
Joey. Joey.

180
00:09:20,886 --> 00:09:23,222
But it's how the pencil
writes, bitch, alright?

181
00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:26,091
Mine can write in cursive,
alright? Calligraphy.

182
00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:29,395
Hey. Thank you. So, Quinn wrote
my name down earlier.

183
00:09:29,428 --> 00:09:30,829
When can I get on?

184
00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:33,299
Well, I'm not
making any promises.

185
00:09:33,332 --> 00:09:37,770
Sometimes I think maybe you
light me just a little early.

186
00:09:37,803 --> 00:09:39,838
Well, that's when
it's not going well.

187
00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:41,307
That's how you can tell that.

188
00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,042
You're going to get
a light at two minutes,

189
00:09:43,075 --> 00:09:44,376
and then you're going
to get another light.

190
00:09:44,410 --> 00:09:46,812
And the second light
means get off the stage.

191
00:09:46,845 --> 00:09:48,113
Can I go up soon?

192
00:09:48,147 --> 00:09:50,115
Keep it going for Quinn, y'all.

193
00:09:50,149 --> 00:09:51,750
Good set, Quinn.

194
00:09:51,784 --> 00:09:53,018
-Hey, thanks, pal.

195
00:09:53,052 --> 00:09:56,222
Hey.
Oh, that was so good.

196
00:09:56,255 --> 00:09:58,390
Aren't you just
the cutest little thing?

197
00:09:58,424 --> 00:10:03,996
Oh, well, this cute little thing
is a big bad boy.

198
00:10:04,029 --> 00:10:07,166
With needs that are adult
like a careless whisper

199
00:10:07,199 --> 00:10:09,001
- and some booze.
- Okay.

200
00:10:09,034 --> 00:10:12,204
Do you boys want to come join us
for '80s night at the Tavern?

201
00:10:12,238 --> 00:10:15,074
Oh, want to? Yeah.
Dude, we'd love to.

202
00:10:15,107 --> 00:10:17,476
No, no, I got to
hang out until my set.

203
00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:19,044
- But thanks.
- Aww.

204
00:10:19,078 --> 00:10:21,480
What a card. Swipe left.

205
00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:25,251
Well, nice meeting you.
Let's go sit.

206
00:10:25,284 --> 00:10:27,219
Are you fucking kidding me?

207
00:10:27,253 --> 00:10:28,354
Look at these two.

208
00:10:28,387 --> 00:10:31,957
Quinn, I got a girlfriend.

209
00:10:31,991 --> 00:10:35,394
Full disclosure,
I can't close without you, okay?

210
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:38,197
It's like wherever Laverne goes,
Shirley follows.

211
00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:39,498
Dude, I need you.

212
00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:41,800
Okay, okay,
I see where this is going.

213
00:10:41,834 --> 00:10:43,836
Why don't you just get one of
the Joeys to be your wingman?

214
00:10:43,869 --> 00:10:46,238
Go fuck yourself. No, dude,
those fucking jabronis?

215
00:10:46,272 --> 00:10:47,573
Look at that guy.

216
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,041
Dude, dude, neither
of them have money,

217
00:10:49,074 --> 00:10:50,409
and I'll end up paying
for their drinks.

218
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,177
Plus I'm pretty sure
they do a lot of coke,

219
00:10:52,211 --> 00:10:53,512
which I can't afford.

220
00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:56,015
So please hang out
with me for one beer.

221
00:10:56,048 --> 00:10:59,518
- Joey.
- Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

222
00:10:59,551 --> 00:11:01,120
- Hey Quinn.
- Hey, dawg.

223
00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:03,022
Hey. Spot me a brewski?

224
00:11:03,055 --> 00:11:05,491
- Yeah, sure, dawg. Sure.
- Oh, hey.

225
00:11:05,524 --> 00:11:07,559
You girls like blow?

226
00:11:07,593 --> 00:11:13,299
Would you rather drink
a bucket of human feces or not?

227
00:11:13,332 --> 00:11:15,334
Which one would you choose?

228
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:17,403
Hey, Mickey, what time is my...

229
00:11:17,436 --> 00:11:19,071
- Hey, Joey?
- Hey, what's up, Joey?

230
00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,273
Hey, a Jew and an Italian
go into business together.

231
00:11:21,307 --> 00:11:23,242
- Uh-oh.
- Who loses?

232
00:11:23,275 --> 00:11:24,343
I don't know. Who?

233
00:11:24,376 --> 00:11:26,145
- The government.
- Oh, come on.

234
00:11:26,178 --> 00:11:27,913
Hey, Mick, so when can I get on?

235
00:11:27,946 --> 00:11:29,515
I'm looking at this right now,

236
00:11:29,548 --> 00:11:31,884
and I don't see that anybody
gave your name at the door.

237
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:35,154
You know the deal.
Two paying customers to see you,

238
00:11:35,187 --> 00:11:37,022
and then you get
to do five minutes.

239
00:11:37,056 --> 00:11:39,124
Mickey, I'm running
out of friends.

240
00:11:39,158 --> 00:11:40,926
Not my problem.

241
00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:41,927
I'll bring four people next week

242
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,630
if you just give me
a few minutes on stage.

243
00:11:43,663 --> 00:11:45,264
Will, if I make
an exception for you,

244
00:11:45,297 --> 00:11:47,333
then I have to make an exception
for everybody else

245
00:11:47,366 --> 00:11:49,368
that wanders in and goes,
"I don't have any friends.

246
00:11:49,401 --> 00:11:52,037
- I don't have any friends."
- Mickey, Mickey, I promise.

247
00:11:52,071 --> 00:11:54,173
Four people. Please.

248
00:11:54,206 --> 00:11:56,075
To you, this is a show.

249
00:11:56,108 --> 00:11:58,277
To me, this is a business.

250
00:11:58,310 --> 00:11:59,646
Please?

251
00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:01,180
No.

252
00:12:05,685 --> 00:12:07,086
You guys ready to rock?

253
00:12:12,257 --> 00:12:14,960
This microphone needs Viagra.
What?

254
00:12:18,297 --> 00:12:19,498
What clubs have you played?

255
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,066
Just open mics.

256
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,901
You don't have any credits,
I can't book you.

257
00:12:22,935 --> 00:12:24,903
I can't get credits
if I can't get up.

258
00:12:59,138 --> 00:13:00,406
Jose.

259
00:13:00,439 --> 00:13:02,975
Can you turn down
the music, please?

260
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:10,449
Rockview Insurance,
may I help you?

261
00:13:10,482 --> 00:13:13,686
No, I understand.

262
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,454
Yes, Mr. Kominsky.

263
00:13:15,487 --> 00:13:17,222
Did you get me these pens?

264
00:13:20,292 --> 00:13:22,561
We have all
the information we need.

265
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:24,530
Okay, you want to talk
to a supervisor?

266
00:13:24,563 --> 00:13:26,231
Yeah, that's not a problem.

267
00:13:32,538 --> 00:13:36,341
I never win.

268
00:13:50,189 --> 00:13:52,624
Don't stop.

269
00:13:52,659 --> 00:13:54,293
Don't stop?

270
00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:55,628
Believing.

271
00:13:55,662 --> 00:13:59,331
Hanford, California,
Steven Perry... Journey.

272
00:14:02,201 --> 00:14:04,303
Round two of the sushi. Ciao.

273
00:14:11,076 --> 00:14:19,686
Yo, fuck faaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
wait for it... aace.

274
00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:21,654
Well, number one,
go fuck yourself.

275
00:14:21,688 --> 00:14:23,589
The Joeys ruined everything,

276
00:14:23,622 --> 00:14:27,159
and now they owe me 85 bucks
I'll never see again.

277
00:14:27,192 --> 00:14:31,029
I am headed up to Detroit
to open up for Steven Gold.

278
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:33,633
So that means I can't emcee
the Pennsylvania Improv

279
00:14:33,666 --> 00:14:35,133
from tonight through Sunday.

280
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,468
So the manager asked me

281
00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:39,071
if I could recommend
a comic last minute.

282
00:14:39,104 --> 00:14:42,709
- I said you. He said great.
- Oh, wow.

283
00:14:42,742 --> 00:14:46,713
This is a major opportunity,
alright? If you kill it...

284
00:14:46,746 --> 00:14:48,648
Well, I got all these claims
that I got to file.

285
00:14:48,681 --> 00:14:51,283
Chip Fontaine is a made man.

286
00:14:51,316 --> 00:14:53,218
He's the manager, and he books

287
00:14:53,252 --> 00:14:55,187
not only
the Pennsylvania Improv,

288
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:56,622
but 12 more clubs.

289
00:14:56,656 --> 00:14:59,224
He's also a chatty Kathy,
and word will get out

290
00:14:59,258 --> 00:15:00,793
to all the other clubs.

291
00:15:00,827 --> 00:15:03,095
It's just like figure skating.
It's a small world.

292
00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:04,563
Figure skating?

293
00:15:04,596 --> 00:15:06,465
Hey, you got your
childhood, I got mine, okay?

294
00:15:06,498 --> 00:15:08,400
Dude, if Chip likes you,

295
00:15:08,433 --> 00:15:09,769
you're in the rotation
and you go full-time.

296
00:15:09,802 --> 00:15:11,638
You take this weekend
and you get started,

297
00:15:11,671 --> 00:15:13,238
you're on your way, man.

298
00:15:13,272 --> 00:15:15,507
- I just don't know if I'm ready.
- Oh, I get it.

299
00:15:15,541 --> 00:15:20,680
No, you are horribly scared and
terrified and you fear failure.

300
00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:22,849
I-I get it. I get it.

301
00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:24,684
I'm not scared.
I said I'm not ready.

302
00:15:24,717 --> 00:15:26,385
There's a big difference. Okay?

303
00:15:26,418 --> 00:15:28,387
I don't wanna just take
this opportunity and bomb.

304
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,790
I was scared too, but ever
since I took the big leap,

305
00:15:30,823 --> 00:15:33,292
even on my worst fucking day,
I thank God

306
00:15:33,325 --> 00:15:36,261
I'm not selling anybody
a 2012 Kia Sorento.

307
00:15:36,295 --> 00:15:39,264
Chances like this
don't happen every day.

308
00:15:39,298 --> 00:15:40,800
If you don't take this shot,

309
00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:42,669
dude, you might as well
quit stand-up

310
00:15:42,702 --> 00:15:45,103
and, like,
remain in your cubicle

311
00:15:45,137 --> 00:15:47,606
and your living
Geico commercial.

312
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,207
And, well, I didn't
tell you the best part.

313
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:50,677
You'll never guess
who's headlining.

314
00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:55,414
He's literally your favorite
TV star of all time.

315
00:15:55,447 --> 00:15:56,816
<i>There's one
meaningful question.</i>

316
00:15:56,849 --> 00:15:58,383
<i>Have you reached
your full potential?</i>

317
00:15:58,417 --> 00:15:59,819
<i>Don't... Don't think about it.</i>

318
00:15:59,852 --> 00:16:01,453
<i>Don't think about
what the answer is,</i>

319
00:16:01,486 --> 00:16:02,822
<i>I'll tell you the answer.
The answer is...</i>

320
00:16:02,855 --> 00:16:04,456
Here are a pile of claims
from the six-car pileup.

321
00:16:04,489 --> 00:16:08,260
Hey, my ace in the hole.
I love it, I love it.

322
00:16:08,293 --> 00:16:10,162
Look, Barry, I got the work done

323
00:16:10,195 --> 00:16:12,598
so I would like
to take tomorrow off.

324
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,902
Will.

325
00:16:15,935 --> 00:16:18,270
Will, Will, Will, Will, Will.

326
00:16:18,303 --> 00:16:20,472
When you reach the end
of your rope, you...

327
00:16:21,674 --> 00:16:24,209
Uh, what are you talking about?

328
00:16:24,242 --> 00:16:27,914
When you reach
the end of your rope, you...?

329
00:16:27,947 --> 00:16:30,883
- You get more rope?
- Wrong.

330
00:16:30,917 --> 00:16:32,351
When you reach the end
of your rope,

331
00:16:32,384 --> 00:16:34,721
you tie it in a knot
and you hang on.

332
00:16:34,754 --> 00:16:36,188
It's Thomas Jefferson.

333
00:16:36,221 --> 00:16:37,522
You should know that.

334
00:16:37,556 --> 00:16:39,792
I need to take tomorrow off.

335
00:16:39,826 --> 00:16:44,797
In our world, as you know,
there are accidents.

336
00:16:44,831 --> 00:16:46,699
We don't control them,

337
00:16:46,733 --> 00:16:49,702
but we can control
what we do about them.

338
00:16:51,838 --> 00:16:54,741
I'm not asking you, Barry.
I'm taking tomorrow off.

339
00:16:54,774 --> 00:16:56,475
It's very important to me.

340
00:16:56,508 --> 00:16:59,746
Will, what's important to you
is keeping your job.

341
00:16:59,779 --> 00:17:03,650
So let's turn the beat around,
see you show up tomorrow

342
00:17:03,683 --> 00:17:05,217
with a little more passion
on your face,

343
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:06,551
and knock out
some of those claims.

344
00:17:06,585 --> 00:17:08,620
Capiche?

345
00:17:08,655 --> 00:17:09,922
I won't be back tomorrow.

346
00:17:12,659 --> 00:17:14,326
I'm done. I quit.

347
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:15,895
Wrong.

348
00:17:15,928 --> 00:17:17,562
I can't do that anymore, okay?

349
00:17:17,596 --> 00:17:19,498
Seriously, it's over.

350
00:17:19,531 --> 00:17:21,701
I'm done. I quit.

351
00:17:21,734 --> 00:17:25,203
Hey, if you think I'm giving you
a good recommendation,

352
00:17:25,237 --> 00:17:26,471
you're crazy.

353
00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:28,875
Hey, cupcake.

354
00:17:28,908 --> 00:17:30,375
I'm 100% in.

355
00:17:30,409 --> 00:17:32,277
- In for what?
- The gig this weekend.

356
00:17:32,310 --> 00:17:33,646
Oh, my God. Sorry, dude.

357
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,815
I... You made it sound
like you weren't coming.

358
00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:37,516
You gotta be kidding me, right?

359
00:17:37,549 --> 00:17:38,918
I wish you had called
even just five minutes ago.

360
00:17:38,951 --> 00:17:41,821
I literally just
booked the Joeys.

361
00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:45,323
Oh, my God. I'm getting
physically sick to my stomach.

362
00:17:47,325 --> 00:17:49,261
This is going to
absolutely cripple me.

363
00:17:49,294 --> 00:17:51,931
Quinn, do... do you know
what I just did here?

364
00:17:51,964 --> 00:17:56,703
Dude, I'm sorry.
I can't do this to you, man.

365
00:17:56,736 --> 00:17:58,503
Oh, my God.

366
00:17:58,537 --> 00:18:00,405
You think I'd book
the fucking Joeys?

367
00:18:00,439 --> 00:18:01,741
Dude, I was just about
to call you.

368
00:18:01,774 --> 00:18:03,241
Congrats.

369
00:18:03,275 --> 00:18:06,411
You're an asshole, Quinn.

370
00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:09,514
Yeah, an asshole who got you
a fucking sweet gig.

371
00:18:16,856 --> 00:18:18,958
Look, I'll be in contact
with the Pennsylvania Club.

372
00:18:18,991 --> 00:18:21,828
They'll put you up
at the condo.

373
00:18:21,861 --> 00:18:24,296
Show time today.
You better get moving.

374
00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:26,298
You are making
the right call, buddy.

375
00:18:31,738 --> 00:18:35,474
Billy G? At an improv?
That's a big deal.

376
00:18:35,507 --> 00:18:37,844
That's pretty good.

377
00:18:37,877 --> 00:18:39,311
Knock them dead.
Kill them.

378
00:18:39,344 --> 00:18:40,913
Is that what you say?
Break a leg.

379
00:18:43,082 --> 00:18:45,685
Big fan. Huge fan.

380
00:18:45,718 --> 00:18:47,887
Nice to meet you, Mr. G.

381
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,859
Hi, I'm Will Chu.
I'm your opening act.

382
00:18:57,529 --> 00:18:58,965
Oh, Billy.

383
00:18:58,998 --> 00:19:01,266
Oh, my God,
it's so good to be here.

384
00:19:03,568 --> 00:19:05,805
I've been waiting all my life
for this moment.

385
00:19:12,511 --> 00:19:15,280
What's up, Pennsylvania Improv?

386
00:20:04,964 --> 00:20:09,802
Hi. I'm Will. Will Chu.
I'm the emcee.

387
00:20:09,836 --> 00:20:13,471
Actually, since we're talking
names, my name is spelt C-H-U.

388
00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:16,709
Ah, so you asking me
to run up on the ladder

389
00:20:16,742 --> 00:20:18,811
and change your name?

390
00:20:18,845 --> 00:20:21,080
Wondering, um, can I get
the keys to the condo?

391
00:20:21,113 --> 00:20:23,149
Is the manager around?

392
00:20:23,182 --> 00:20:26,953
TT to Charlie Money.

393
00:20:26,986 --> 00:20:29,387
Yeah, Chip will be here
in just a minute.

394
00:20:29,421 --> 00:20:32,825
Well, this is my house.
I protect my house.

395
00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:36,863
Oh, hey.

396
00:20:36,896 --> 00:20:38,496
Must be Will. Chip.

397
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,432
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for having me.

398
00:20:40,465 --> 00:20:42,034
You can recommended,

399
00:20:42,068 --> 00:20:43,903
so if you want to make this
more than a one-time thing,

400
00:20:43,936 --> 00:20:46,005
I'm going to need you
to keep the crowd on track,

401
00:20:46,038 --> 00:20:47,539
handle the hecklers,

402
00:20:47,572 --> 00:20:50,475
and most importantly
make the audience laugh.

403
00:20:50,508 --> 00:20:52,845
- Yeah.
- Big laughs, okay?

404
00:20:52,879 --> 00:20:56,716
Got it. And thank you.
I appreciate this weekend.

405
00:20:56,749 --> 00:20:58,550
Y-You don't know
what it means to me.

406
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:06,192
By the way, you're going to be
sharing the condo this weekend

407
00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:07,727
with our feature, Chris Palmer.

408
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,862
- Awesome.
- Well, you say that now.

409
00:21:09,896 --> 00:21:11,130
Let's see how you feel
on Sunday.

410
00:21:11,163 --> 00:21:12,798
Why is that?

411
00:21:12,832 --> 00:21:15,668
Look, Will, Chris is going
to show you things

412
00:21:15,701 --> 00:21:17,703
that you can't unsee.

413
00:21:17,737 --> 00:21:19,171
And when he does,
I want you to call me.

414
00:21:19,205 --> 00:21:22,174
I'm going to give you my number.

415
00:21:22,208 --> 00:21:24,810
If you need help
or a shoulder to cry on,

416
00:21:24,844 --> 00:21:26,544
or even a place to stay,

417
00:21:26,578 --> 00:21:29,447
because Chris can get
a little rowdy,

418
00:21:29,481 --> 00:21:31,516
I want you to reach out.

419
00:21:31,549 --> 00:21:33,085
Sure.

420
00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:35,888
Here. What's your number?

421
00:21:35,922 --> 00:21:39,025
No, I'll put it in. Here.

422
00:21:39,058 --> 00:21:41,661
That was easy, huh?

423
00:21:41,694 --> 00:21:42,929
Call me.

424
00:21:42,962 --> 00:21:44,797
Call me right now
so I have your number.

425
00:21:44,830 --> 00:21:46,832
Oh. Yeah.

426
00:21:46,866 --> 00:21:49,434
Great. I'm vibrating.

427
00:21:54,506 --> 00:21:55,908
Must be you.

428
00:21:55,942 --> 00:21:58,177
Cool.

429
00:21:58,210 --> 00:22:00,079
So it begins.

430
00:22:08,988 --> 00:22:10,923
Hello?

431
00:22:10,957 --> 00:22:12,658
Hello?

432
00:22:12,692 --> 00:22:16,662
Whoa. Don't you fucking knock?

433
00:22:16,696 --> 00:22:18,764
What kind of a dickhole
barges in somewhere

434
00:22:18,798 --> 00:22:20,666
like he owns the place, huh?

435
00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:21,701
Huh?

436
00:22:21,734 --> 00:22:23,836
I'm... fucking with you.

437
00:22:23,869 --> 00:22:25,271
What's up, man? You Will?

438
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:26,772
Chris. How are you, bro?

439
00:22:26,806 --> 00:22:27,974
- Great to meet you.
- Good, man.

440
00:22:28,007 --> 00:22:29,675
We're going to have
a great weekend.

441
00:22:29,709 --> 00:22:30,876
Your first time here?

442
00:22:30,910 --> 00:22:33,679
First time in any real club.

443
00:22:33,713 --> 00:22:34,780
So I'm just
a little bit nervous.

444
00:22:34,814 --> 00:22:36,082
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why?

445
00:22:36,115 --> 00:22:38,284
Did Chip start
flirting with you?

446
00:22:38,317 --> 00:22:39,885
Oh, was that what it was?

447
00:22:39,919 --> 00:22:41,619
Yeah, yeah, just don't
give him your number.

448
00:22:41,654 --> 00:22:43,856
You'll be fine.

449
00:22:46,892 --> 00:22:48,526
And over there's the hot tub.

450
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:49,895
Just fucking around,
there's no hot tub.

451
00:22:49,929 --> 00:22:51,697
Anyway, this is the condo.

452
00:22:51,731 --> 00:22:53,833
I took this bedroom, so the
other one's yours, alright?

453
00:22:53,866 --> 00:22:55,868
Awesome.
I'm gonna take a shower.

454
00:22:55,901 --> 00:22:57,303
You want to head
to the club after that?

455
00:22:57,336 --> 00:23:00,072
Fuck yeah, Will.
Fuck yes, I do.

456
00:23:03,642 --> 00:23:05,845
Hey, yo, don't use
that shampoo by the way.

457
00:23:05,878 --> 00:23:07,279
Sometimes dudes jizz in it

458
00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:09,682
just to fuck with guys
for the following week.

459
00:23:09,715 --> 00:23:11,250
- You serious?
- Yeah.

460
00:23:11,283 --> 00:23:13,652
Hey, you ever been
to the Warhol Museum?

461
00:23:13,686 --> 00:23:15,087
I've always wanted
to check it out.

462
00:23:15,121 --> 00:23:16,155
Want to go tomorrow?

463
00:23:16,188 --> 00:23:17,289
Yeah, sure.

464
00:23:17,323 --> 00:23:18,590
Fuck yeah.

465
00:23:18,623 --> 00:23:19,925
Dibs first shower.

466
00:23:37,243 --> 00:23:38,844
Welcome to
the world-famous

467
00:23:38,878 --> 00:23:40,346
Improv Thursday night.

468
00:23:40,379 --> 00:23:42,181
Make some noise.

469
00:23:42,214 --> 00:23:46,252
Who's ready for
a great show tonight?

470
00:23:46,285 --> 00:23:49,288
Okay, just a reminder to keep
your talking to a minimum

471
00:23:49,321 --> 00:23:51,690
and your laughter
to a maximum.

472
00:23:51,724 --> 00:23:53,292
Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be starting the show

473
00:23:53,325 --> 00:23:55,194
in just a few minutes.

474
00:23:55,227 --> 00:23:58,197
- Ooh, long time, Rachel. Hello.
- Just letting you know

475
00:23:58,230 --> 00:24:00,733
we'd like you to turn
your cellphones to silent.

476
00:24:00,766 --> 00:24:03,769
There's no video or flash
photography during the show.

477
00:24:03,803 --> 00:24:06,238
Be sure to sign up
for our e-mail list.

478
00:24:06,272 --> 00:24:08,240
The cards are on your tables.

479
00:24:15,314 --> 00:24:17,249
You okay, bro?

480
00:24:17,283 --> 00:24:20,186
Oh, yeah, yeah. I just...
just a little nervous.

481
00:24:20,219 --> 00:24:21,754
That is like
the biggest audience

482
00:24:21,787 --> 00:24:23,722
- I've ever performed for.
- Dude, don't be nervous.

483
00:24:23,756 --> 00:24:25,658
Fuck those people out there.
Just do you.

484
00:24:25,691 --> 00:24:27,159
- Chris.
- Holy shit.

485
00:24:27,193 --> 00:24:29,161
I heard Chris.
How you doing, man?

486
00:24:29,195 --> 00:24:30,963
- I'm good.
- I'm still kind of hungover

487
00:24:30,996 --> 00:24:32,665
from the last time
we chilled out.

488
00:24:32,698 --> 00:24:34,166
Oh, yeah, Ricky that's called
a bender, my friend.

489
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:35,768
Probably right.

490
00:24:35,801 --> 00:24:38,971
Yo, you still fucking
with that cheerleader?

491
00:24:39,004 --> 00:24:41,874
The blonde one with
the half-shaved head?

492
00:24:43,976 --> 00:24:45,678
God bless you, Chris.

493
00:24:45,711 --> 00:24:47,213
What up, man? I'm Ricky.

494
00:24:47,246 --> 00:24:48,247
I'm Will. I'm the emcee.

495
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,382
I'm the sound guy, man. Cool.

496
00:24:50,416 --> 00:24:53,085
Alright, what kind of
intro music you guys want?

497
00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:55,321
- Surprise me, bud.
- What about you?

498
00:24:55,354 --> 00:24:56,989
Something by the Killers?

499
00:24:57,022 --> 00:24:59,291
Alright, cool. You know,
Chip loves the Killers, man.

500
00:24:59,325 --> 00:25:02,261
You know what?
Why don't you pick something?

501
00:25:02,294 --> 00:25:04,196
- Anything but the Killers.
- You sure?

502
00:25:04,230 --> 00:25:08,434
- Yeah. Absolutely.
- Alright. Cool.

503
00:25:08,467 --> 00:25:10,269
What do you want for your intro?

504
00:25:10,302 --> 00:25:12,738
You can say clubs and colleges.

505
00:25:12,771 --> 00:25:15,307
What clubs?

506
00:25:15,341 --> 00:25:16,809
Uh, what colleges?

507
00:25:16,842 --> 00:25:19,078
Um...

508
00:25:19,111 --> 00:25:21,780
So I'll just keep it plain and
simple, just clubs and colleges.

509
00:25:21,814 --> 00:25:23,415
Gonna keep it broad, you know.
Sounds good.

510
00:25:23,449 --> 00:25:25,851
Alright, listen, guys,
Will, you're doing 12,

511
00:25:25,885 --> 00:25:27,319
Chris, you're doing 25.

512
00:25:27,353 --> 00:25:29,021
You get a two-minute light each,

513
00:25:29,054 --> 00:25:31,390
and it's a big red light
right at the back of the wall.

514
00:25:31,423 --> 00:25:33,092
You can't miss it, alright?

515
00:25:33,125 --> 00:25:34,293
Is it that wall?

516
00:25:34,326 --> 00:25:35,828
Have a good show, y'all. Peace.

517
00:25:35,861 --> 00:25:39,098
- Love you, buddy.
- Love you too, nigga.

518
00:25:39,131 --> 00:25:41,767
- Did he just call you... nigga?
- I love it.

519
00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:45,204
What do you want for your intro?

520
00:25:45,237 --> 00:25:47,406
Oh, same just clubs
and colleges.

521
00:25:47,439 --> 00:25:49,875
Which clubs and colleges
have you done?

522
00:25:49,909 --> 00:25:53,712
Oh, let's see, I've done like
28 improvs, Funny Bones,

523
00:25:53,746 --> 00:25:55,414
and I did...
I did the NACA Conference.

524
00:25:55,447 --> 00:25:58,884
That's like 30 colleges
last year.

525
00:25:58,918 --> 00:26:01,720
- Good... Good for you.
- Thank you very much.

526
00:26:01,754 --> 00:26:04,490
Thursday night,
make some noise.

527
00:26:06,425 --> 00:26:09,295
Alright, buddy, here we go.

528
00:26:09,328 --> 00:26:11,463
Give it for your
headliner this evening, Billy G.

529
00:26:11,497 --> 00:26:15,334
- To a great show.
- To a great show.

530
00:26:15,367 --> 00:26:19,071
And your future act,
Chris Palmer.

531
00:26:19,104 --> 00:26:20,739
Now, ladies and gentlemen,

532
00:26:20,773 --> 00:26:23,042
please give
a Pennsylvania Improv welcome

533
00:26:23,075 --> 00:26:24,977
to your host
and emcee for the evening.

534
00:26:25,010 --> 00:26:27,880
You know your opening act
from clubs and colleges,

535
00:26:27,913 --> 00:26:31,317
please welcome Will Chu.

536
00:26:37,089 --> 00:26:40,326
What's up, Pennsylvania?
How you guys doing?

537
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:44,163
Alright.
Awesome, awesome crowd tonight.

538
00:26:44,196 --> 00:26:46,065
Is everybody here
from Pennsylvania?

539
00:26:46,098 --> 00:26:48,334
Awesome.

540
00:26:48,367 --> 00:26:51,036
Lot of pretty girls
from Pennsylvania, am I right?

541
00:26:51,070 --> 00:26:53,205
Yeah, not... not here
but in downtown, you know.

542
00:26:55,975 --> 00:26:58,544
You know, dating... dating
is totally different now, right?

543
00:26:58,577 --> 00:27:00,980
Like, I know...
I know where I stand.

544
00:27:01,013 --> 00:27:05,551
Like, I am... I'm, like, cute.
I'm not like the macho guy.

545
00:27:05,584 --> 00:27:07,353
You know, I wish
I could be that guy.

546
00:27:07,386 --> 00:27:09,355
Like, I'm really good looking...

547
00:27:09,388 --> 00:27:12,224
if you're into anime.

548
00:27:12,258 --> 00:27:16,095
That's the level
that I'm at, you know?

549
00:27:16,128 --> 00:27:18,897
I can't even go to the beach
with my shirt off, right?

550
00:27:18,931 --> 00:27:22,368
Like, look, don't get me wrong,
ladies, I'm in shape, okay?

551
00:27:22,401 --> 00:27:26,505
But I'm just a small guy
with really nice hair.

552
00:27:26,538 --> 00:27:30,042
So from the back, I look like
a really hot Asian chick.

553
00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:35,848
And from the front, I look like
a really hot Asian chick.

554
00:27:35,881 --> 00:27:37,516
Thank you guys. That's my time.
I'm Will Chu.

555
00:27:37,549 --> 00:27:41,587
I will be your host tonight.

556
00:27:41,620 --> 00:27:44,123
Pennsylvania, are you guys ready
for your next comedian?

557
00:27:45,891 --> 00:27:48,560
Alright, you've seen him
at clubs and colleges.

558
00:27:48,594 --> 00:27:51,964
Let's give it up
for Chris Palmer.

559
00:28:11,350 --> 00:28:14,320
What the fuck is up,
Pennsylvania Improv?

560
00:28:14,353 --> 00:28:16,622
Make some fucking noise.

561
00:28:18,023 --> 00:28:21,060
Oh, my God. Fantastic.

562
00:28:21,093 --> 00:28:23,295
Let me...
Anybody in here single?

563
00:28:25,130 --> 00:28:26,865
Anybody in here married?

564
00:28:28,434 --> 00:28:30,402
That is the first time
the married people

565
00:28:30,436 --> 00:28:33,439
have ever been
more enthusiastic.

566
00:28:33,472 --> 00:28:36,041
Well, good, so there's
some good marriages in here?

567
00:28:37,309 --> 00:28:39,044
You guys?
I heard you guys are...

568
00:28:39,078 --> 00:28:40,879
oh, he did this.

569
00:28:40,913 --> 00:28:43,282
He went like this.
Not a good sign.

570
00:28:43,315 --> 00:28:44,583
Great.

571
00:28:44,616 --> 00:28:47,419
Are we ever going to see
a good headline

572
00:28:47,453 --> 00:28:50,522
that starts with the words
"a Florida man"?

573
00:28:53,025 --> 00:28:57,062
Hi. I'm Will, and I just want
to say what an absolute honor

574
00:28:57,096 --> 00:28:59,498
it is to be working with you.

575
00:28:59,531 --> 00:29:04,303
And "Oh, Billy."

576
00:29:04,336 --> 00:29:06,472
I'm going to ask you
not to do that, okay?

577
00:29:06,505 --> 00:29:08,173
Okay. Yes. Noted.

578
00:29:08,207 --> 00:29:10,109
About my intro.

579
00:29:10,142 --> 00:29:11,644
Just say "You know our headliner

580
00:29:11,678 --> 00:29:14,413
from his numerous appearances
on 'The Tonight Show, '

581
00:29:14,446 --> 00:29:17,983
his best-selling book that's for
sale after the show on sale.

582
00:29:18,016 --> 00:29:19,418
I got you this time.

583
00:29:19,451 --> 00:29:22,054
Of course the TV show,
'Oh, That Billy.'

584
00:29:22,087 --> 00:29:23,489
Ladies and gentlemen, Billy G."

585
00:29:23,522 --> 00:29:25,290
You got it?

586
00:29:25,324 --> 00:29:27,192
- Write it down.
- Yeah.

587
00:29:27,226 --> 00:29:29,595
"The Tonight Show,"
book on sale,

588
00:29:29,629 --> 00:29:31,497
I got you this time,

589
00:29:31,530 --> 00:29:33,633
"Oh, That Billy."

590
00:29:33,666 --> 00:29:36,335
I'm sorry.
Can I borrow a pen?

591
00:29:36,368 --> 00:29:39,071
Thank you.
Close that door on the way out.

592
00:29:39,104 --> 00:29:41,206
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.

593
00:29:43,976 --> 00:29:46,713
You have to be
careful these days

594
00:29:46,746 --> 00:29:49,381
with what you're watching on TV

595
00:29:49,415 --> 00:29:51,550
when you're talking
to your lady. Okay?

596
00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:54,654
A little while back, I was
dating a wonderful young lady.

597
00:29:54,687 --> 00:29:56,656
She called me on the phone
and I picked it up,

598
00:29:56,689 --> 00:29:58,457
and after about a minute
she goes,

599
00:29:58,490 --> 00:30:00,727
"Who the fuck is over
at your apartment?"

600
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,561
And I was like,
"What are you talking about?"

601
00:30:02,594 --> 00:30:05,998
And she was like, "Somebody is
screaming, somebody is moaning."

602
00:30:06,031 --> 00:30:09,435
I said, "Babe, I am watching
singles ladies tennis.

603
00:30:09,468 --> 00:30:14,006
Maria Sharapova screams
like a hyena when she plays.

604
00:30:14,039 --> 00:30:15,441
Thank God you didn't
call me five minutes ago.

605
00:30:15,474 --> 00:30:17,276
I was watching mixed doubles.

606
00:30:17,309 --> 00:30:19,278
Would have sounded
like a goddamn orgy in here."

607
00:30:22,214 --> 00:30:23,482
Fantastic.

608
00:30:23,515 --> 00:30:25,517
That's fucking right.

609
00:30:25,551 --> 00:30:28,053
Hey, deejay, kick that track.

610
00:30:30,389 --> 00:30:33,292
Guys, I'm gonna be
selling merch back there.

611
00:30:33,325 --> 00:30:35,461
The T-shirts say
"Getting Chrissy with it."

612
00:30:35,494 --> 00:30:37,630
And a couple of you
will have the great souvenir

613
00:30:37,664 --> 00:30:39,431
of actually getting
Chrissy with it.

614
00:30:39,465 --> 00:30:41,166
Thank you very much,
good night.

615
00:30:47,105 --> 00:30:51,410
One more time for Chris Palmer,
ladies and gentlemen.

616
00:30:51,443 --> 00:30:53,680
Pennsylvania, you guys
ready for your headliner?

617
00:30:56,215 --> 00:30:59,485
You've seen him on his numerous
appearances

618
00:30:59,518 --> 00:31:01,353
on "Oh, That Billy."

619
00:31:01,386 --> 00:31:04,490
And, uh, his book...
best-selling book

620
00:31:04,523 --> 00:31:07,559
is for sale after the show,
"The Tonight Show."

621
00:31:07,593 --> 00:31:10,062
And, um...

622
00:31:10,095 --> 00:31:12,699
And... And of course you know
him from his TV show,

623
00:31:12,732 --> 00:31:16,034
"I Got You This Time."

624
00:31:16,068 --> 00:31:18,170
Let's give it up for Billy G.

625
00:31:25,210 --> 00:31:27,579
Couldn't find that pen, huh?

626
00:31:36,388 --> 00:31:38,357
What's up, Pennsylvania?
How you doing?

627
00:31:41,193 --> 00:31:42,662
One, two, three...

628
00:31:42,695 --> 00:31:44,631
"Oh, Billy."

629
00:31:44,664 --> 00:31:46,265
"Oh, Billy."

630
00:31:55,140 --> 00:31:57,242
I was born Billiard Goulet...

631
00:31:57,276 --> 00:31:58,645
Those two right there, please.

632
00:31:58,678 --> 00:32:02,414
And papa was a rolling stone,
was he not?

633
00:32:02,447 --> 00:32:04,717
Everybody goes,
"Why go by Billy G?"

634
00:32:04,751 --> 00:32:07,219
And I said, "If your name
was Billiard, wouldn't you?"

635
00:32:09,354 --> 00:32:11,623
Nobody wants to be
behind the 9 ball...

636
00:32:11,658 --> 00:32:13,760
Will, let's go get a drink,
buddy.

637
00:32:13,793 --> 00:32:15,628
- Well, I'm watching Billy.
- Oh, I know.

638
00:32:15,662 --> 00:32:17,329
We're not going to
leave the club or anything.

639
00:32:17,362 --> 00:32:19,164
We're just going to watch him
from the back there.

640
00:32:19,197 --> 00:32:21,500
Trust me, you're going to be
sick of his act by Sunday too.

641
00:32:21,533 --> 00:32:22,735
You got kids?

642
00:32:22,769 --> 00:32:25,270
I got kids all different ages,
man.

643
00:32:25,304 --> 00:32:27,707
I got one daughter
who just got out of college.

644
00:32:27,740 --> 00:32:29,374
And you can applause for that.

645
00:32:31,376 --> 00:32:33,780
She didn't... She didn't
graduate or anything.

646
00:32:33,813 --> 00:32:34,881
She just got out.

647
00:32:36,849 --> 00:32:38,350
Oh, my God.

648
00:32:38,383 --> 00:32:40,853
Holy shit, you killed it, Chris.

649
00:32:40,887 --> 00:32:43,790
You too. That fucking
elevator bit's a killer.

650
00:32:43,823 --> 00:32:45,557
You know, they do sexting.

651
00:32:45,591 --> 00:32:47,292
I tried to do that
with my girl, you know?

652
00:32:47,326 --> 00:32:49,561
I'll try sexting her.
I said the other day,

653
00:32:49,595 --> 00:32:52,197
I was like,
"Hey, baby, what's up?"

654
00:32:52,230 --> 00:32:56,301
You know? "Daddy about
to pull up," you know?

655
00:32:56,335 --> 00:32:58,671
"I might want to...."

656
00:32:58,705 --> 00:33:00,907
She texts me back,
"Pick up some bread."

657
00:33:03,175 --> 00:33:04,844
Hey, Chrissy, I got Billy G

658
00:33:04,877 --> 00:33:06,746
doing four radio stations
tomorrow.

659
00:33:06,779 --> 00:33:09,414
But one station still wants a
comic for their Friday funnies.

660
00:33:09,448 --> 00:33:11,818
So I need you to get up at
7:00 AM and do press for me.

661
00:33:11,851 --> 00:33:12,885
7:00 AM?

662
00:33:12,919 --> 00:33:14,887
Yeah, if you want to keep
working at my club, yeah.

663
00:33:14,921 --> 00:33:18,457
Can I bring Will?

664
00:33:18,490 --> 00:33:20,893
Yeah, if that helps you get up
for a 7:00 AM wake up.

665
00:33:20,927 --> 00:33:23,428
Sure.
Ricky will pick you up.

666
00:33:23,462 --> 00:33:27,399
Will, I got my eyes
and ears on you.

667
00:33:30,435 --> 00:33:33,505
See you at 7:00 AM.

668
00:33:33,538 --> 00:33:35,440
- I've never done radio before.
- Don't worry about it.

669
00:33:35,474 --> 00:33:37,576
It's easy. You just do a joke
or two from your act.

670
00:33:37,609 --> 00:33:38,878
Piece of cake.

671
00:33:38,911 --> 00:33:41,246
Oh, we're in business, buddy.
Hello.

672
00:33:41,279 --> 00:33:43,415
Excuse me, I'm here
to redeem my coupon.

673
00:33:43,448 --> 00:33:45,685
Good for one free drink
with a comedian.

674
00:33:45,718 --> 00:33:48,387
- Hope it's good for two.
- Take a look at that.

675
00:33:48,420 --> 00:33:51,390
Yes, it is.
Not valid in Hawaii or Alaska.

676
00:33:51,423 --> 00:33:53,492
I'm Chris.
This is my friend Will.

677
00:33:53,525 --> 00:33:55,260
- You guys were so funny.
- Like, we're dead.

678
00:33:55,293 --> 00:33:57,730
Like sick funny,
like we're not alive, yeah.

679
00:33:57,764 --> 00:34:00,800
And I tell you what, my own son,
on a count of three,

680
00:34:00,833 --> 00:34:02,601
he came off the breast
and he said...

681
00:34:02,635 --> 00:34:04,971
"Oh, Billy.,"

682
00:34:11,010 --> 00:34:13,612
"Oh, Billy."

683
00:34:13,646 --> 00:34:16,949
Hey, that's my time, guys.

684
00:34:16,983 --> 00:34:19,886
Thank you, Pennsylvania.

685
00:34:27,894 --> 00:34:30,328
Oh, Billy,
you killed it tonight.

686
00:34:34,767 --> 00:34:37,269
"Oh, Billy."

687
00:34:37,302 --> 00:34:39,872
Bro, it is time
for the night shift to begin.

688
00:34:39,906 --> 00:34:43,408
We, and I mean we, are heading
next door to the pub.

689
00:34:43,442 --> 00:34:45,577
But don't we have radio first
thing in the morning tomorrow?

690
00:34:45,610 --> 00:34:47,847
I mean, maybe we should stay
fresh and just kind of chill.

691
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:50,582
Dude, did you just rock
your first fucking improv?

692
00:34:50,615 --> 00:34:52,350
- I think so.
- Yeah, you did.

693
00:34:52,384 --> 00:34:54,954
Oh, my God, you are,
like, so hilarious.

694
00:34:54,987 --> 00:34:57,322
So I think we should
take a victory lap.

695
00:34:57,355 --> 00:34:59,025
Besides, you'd be the first
comic I've ever met

696
00:34:59,058 --> 00:35:00,960
who wants to go to bed
after a great set.

697
00:35:00,993 --> 00:35:02,594
Aren't you fucking wired, bro?

698
00:35:02,628 --> 00:35:04,396
- A little bit.
- A little bit?

699
00:35:04,429 --> 00:35:06,398
And, like, comedy, like, for me,
like, I'm just going to say,

700
00:35:06,431 --> 00:35:09,501
like, I've never even noticed,
but comedy is, like, so funny.

701
00:35:09,534 --> 00:35:12,905
That's a fantastic observation.
These two are very astute.

702
00:35:12,939 --> 00:35:14,974
Okay, okay, I kind of just want
to talk to Billy

703
00:35:15,007 --> 00:35:16,341
for a little bit.

704
00:35:16,374 --> 00:35:17,977
Suit yourself.

705
00:35:18,010 --> 00:35:20,579
Meet me there, okay?

706
00:35:20,612 --> 00:35:23,315
- Hold my hand.
- Yes, you got it.

707
00:35:30,522 --> 00:35:32,491
Hey, you. How's things?

708
00:35:32,524 --> 00:35:35,494
Well, the condo makes my place
look like the Four Seasons.

709
00:35:35,527 --> 00:35:38,463
That nice, huh?
How'd your set go?

710
00:35:38,497 --> 00:35:40,032
- I'm still standing.
- Give me more.

711
00:35:40,066 --> 00:35:42,300
- How's Billy G?
- Oh, boy.

712
00:35:42,334 --> 00:35:43,803
What?

713
00:35:43,836 --> 00:35:46,773
I messed up his intro tonight.
I'm going to fix it.

714
00:35:46,806 --> 00:35:48,841
I don't know, I don't want
to talk about it right now.

715
00:35:48,875 --> 00:35:50,442
You'll get it right tomorrow.

716
00:35:50,475 --> 00:35:52,044
I still don't want
to talk about it.

717
00:35:52,078 --> 00:35:54,412
You know? It's just kind of
fresh and painful right now.

718
00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:56,716
- How are you?
- Good. Good.

719
00:35:56,749 --> 00:35:59,417
Long day, but still have
to finish my lesson plan

720
00:35:59,451 --> 00:36:01,954
and grade 32 book reports
on "Oh, the Places You'll Go."

721
00:36:01,988 --> 00:36:03,756
And throw away
18 macaroni necklaces

722
00:36:03,790 --> 00:36:05,390
that have been in my car
for three weeks.

723
00:36:05,423 --> 00:36:08,795
Nice. You can make
mac and cheese out of those.

724
00:36:08,828 --> 00:36:10,428
Look,
I'm going to head to bed.

725
00:36:10,462 --> 00:36:11,898
- Love you.
- I love you.

726
00:36:20,372 --> 00:36:23,643
Oh, sorry.

727
00:36:23,676 --> 00:36:25,377
- Hey.
- Here he is.

728
00:36:25,410 --> 00:36:26,913
Let's get to work, dude.

729
00:36:26,946 --> 00:36:29,015
So just a heads up, I actually
have a girl back home.

730
00:36:29,048 --> 00:36:31,616
Oh, you know what?
Just a heads up, so do I, yeah.

731
00:36:31,651 --> 00:36:35,554
Back in Miami.
And Indy, Toledo, and Austin.

732
00:36:35,587 --> 00:36:38,057
And I've got one
right out there too. Mm.

733
00:36:38,090 --> 00:36:39,725
Just keep her friend
busy for me, okay?

734
00:36:39,759 --> 00:36:41,794
That's all I ask.
Just be a wingman.

735
00:36:43,963 --> 00:36:46,065
Come on.
Come on, buddy.

736
00:36:46,098 --> 00:36:47,800
How long were you
going to make me wait?

737
00:36:47,834 --> 00:36:49,735
Oh, I'm sorry, are we having
our first fight?

738
00:36:49,769 --> 00:36:52,939
- Are we married?
- Mm-hmm.

739
00:36:52,972 --> 00:36:56,943
I love a guy
that can make me laugh.

740
00:36:56,976 --> 00:36:59,444
Oh, okay, okay. So actually,
I have a girlfriend.

741
00:36:59,477 --> 00:37:01,914
That's cool.
I have a boyfriend.

742
00:37:07,787 --> 00:37:09,121
Thanks, I'm okay.

743
00:37:09,155 --> 00:37:11,523
Got you.
Not the kissing kind.

744
00:37:11,556 --> 00:37:12,892
Oh, okay.

745
00:37:12,925 --> 00:37:16,028
That is my cue to exit.

746
00:37:16,062 --> 00:37:19,397
Nice meeting you. Bye-bye.

747
00:37:20,099 --> 00:37:22,768
Megan. Megan.

748
00:37:22,802 --> 00:37:24,569
Hey, shy guy.

749
00:37:24,603 --> 00:37:26,706
Where are all the party peoples?

750
00:37:26,739 --> 00:37:28,506
Whoo!

751
00:37:29,742 --> 00:37:32,410
Will, I'm so sorry to do this.

752
00:37:32,444 --> 00:37:34,113
Can you actually make sure
Sophie gets home okay?

753
00:37:34,146 --> 00:37:37,482
She's way too wasted
to take a cab by herself.

754
00:37:37,515 --> 00:37:40,186
Oh, and shit,
that was funny on stage before

755
00:37:40,219 --> 00:37:43,421
with the jokes,
so good... good job.

756
00:37:43,455 --> 00:37:44,556
You're the best, bud.

757
00:37:44,589 --> 00:37:45,858
Second best.

758
00:37:45,892 --> 00:37:48,861
He's the best.

759
00:37:48,895 --> 00:37:50,495
Where is everyone?

760
00:37:50,528 --> 00:37:51,931
Hi.

761
00:37:51,964 --> 00:37:52,999
Hello.

762
00:37:53,032 --> 00:37:56,434
Hello.

763
00:37:56,468 --> 00:37:57,703
So, where to, kids?

764
00:37:57,737 --> 00:37:58,971
Where do you live?

765
00:37:59,005 --> 00:38:02,708
Um, um, um, um,
267 Wildwood Lane.

766
00:38:02,742 --> 00:38:05,477
267 Wildwood Lane, and
we're coming right back here.

767
00:38:05,510 --> 00:38:06,879
- So two stops.
- We're coming right back here.

768
00:38:06,913 --> 00:38:09,115
- Wildwood Lanes.
- Whoo!

769
00:38:09,148 --> 00:38:11,651
That's a bit of a trip.
I'm going to need cash up front.

770
00:38:11,684 --> 00:38:12,718
Going to need cash up front.

771
00:38:12,752 --> 00:38:13,986
- What?
- Yeah.

772
00:38:14,020 --> 00:38:15,888
That's what the man said.

773
00:38:15,922 --> 00:38:18,658
<i>Más, cabron.</i>

774
00:38:18,691 --> 00:38:20,993
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Yeah, <i>más</i> means more.

775
00:38:21,027 --> 00:38:22,828
<i>Más.</i> More.

776
00:38:22,862 --> 00:38:24,462
Come on, let's go.

777
00:38:24,496 --> 00:38:25,665
Let's go!

778
00:38:32,838 --> 00:38:35,540
How far are we?

779
00:38:35,573 --> 00:38:37,009
Are you sure
this is where you live?

780
00:38:37,043 --> 00:38:39,511
What even is time?

781
00:38:39,544 --> 00:38:42,048
Are we on a dirt road?

782
00:38:55,194 --> 00:38:57,529
Okay, looks like, uh,
this is it.

783
00:38:57,562 --> 00:39:00,232
This place is weird, man.

784
00:39:00,266 --> 00:39:02,101
Oh, I'm home. Come on in.

785
00:39:02,134 --> 00:39:04,203
No, no, no, I got an early thing
tomorrow in the morning.

786
00:39:04,236 --> 00:39:05,871
Come on. Hungry?

787
00:39:05,905 --> 00:39:08,207
- I have Hot Pockets.
- No, no, no, no thanks.

788
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:10,209
Oh, my God. Okay.

789
00:39:10,242 --> 00:39:11,509
I got it.

790
00:39:11,543 --> 00:39:13,646
Okay. She...

791
00:39:13,679 --> 00:39:15,648
Shit.

792
00:39:15,681 --> 00:39:17,950
Shit.

793
00:39:17,984 --> 00:39:19,185
Okay, I'm just going to
help her in.

794
00:39:19,218 --> 00:39:20,219
I'll be right back.

795
00:39:20,252 --> 00:39:21,954
I have a bad feeling about this.

796
00:39:21,988 --> 00:39:23,823
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

797
00:39:23,856 --> 00:39:25,623
Getting some bad vibes
around here.

798
00:39:25,658 --> 00:39:27,793
Stay right here.
I'll be right back.

799
00:39:27,827 --> 00:39:29,295
My knight in shining armor.

800
00:39:29,328 --> 00:39:32,064
No, no, no, come on.

801
00:39:32,098 --> 00:39:34,033
Hey, where you going?

802
00:39:34,066 --> 00:39:36,002
Fuck, he has my phone.

803
00:39:36,035 --> 00:39:40,172
Yes, 267 Wildwood Lanes, okay?

804
00:39:40,206 --> 00:39:41,907
- I need to get out of here.
- Happy new year!

805
00:39:41,941 --> 00:39:44,143
So if anybody can come get me
in just under 45 minutes,

806
00:39:44,176 --> 00:39:46,012
I'll pay them double, okay?

807
00:39:46,045 --> 00:39:48,114
Okay?

808
00:39:48,147 --> 00:39:50,716
Haven't seen my phone, have you?

809
00:39:50,750 --> 00:39:52,018
Unh-unh.

810
00:39:52,051 --> 00:39:54,253
Damn it.

811
00:39:57,323 --> 00:40:00,726
You really packing
some heat there, huh?

812
00:40:00,760 --> 00:40:02,094
Yeah.

813
00:40:02,128 --> 00:40:05,965
No, I'm just talking
about the guns, but...

814
00:40:05,998 --> 00:40:07,933
Yeah.

815
00:40:07,967 --> 00:40:10,136
Give me that dick.

816
00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:17,843
Psyche.
It's not even loaded.

817
00:40:17,877 --> 00:40:20,046
- But you are.
- Shut up.

818
00:40:20,079 --> 00:40:21,613
Just a little.

819
00:40:21,647 --> 00:40:23,082
I really need
to get out of here.

820
00:40:23,115 --> 00:40:25,084
Promise I won't tell anybody.

821
00:40:25,117 --> 00:40:28,020
You know what, no, no,
I-I've asked you nicely already.

822
00:40:28,054 --> 00:40:30,622
Okay, let's just...

823
00:40:30,656 --> 00:40:32,858
Holy shit.

824
00:40:32,892 --> 00:40:35,361
- What?
- My boyfriend's here.

825
00:40:35,394 --> 00:40:36,862
- What?
- He'll kill you.

826
00:40:36,896 --> 00:40:38,664
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

827
00:40:48,941 --> 00:40:50,643
Bye.

828
00:40:50,676 --> 00:40:52,577
Baby.

829
00:40:54,346 --> 00:40:56,614
Somebody call?

830
00:40:56,649 --> 00:41:00,252
A really dirty girl?

831
00:41:00,286 --> 00:41:03,823
That pussy better be as tight as
it was when I left this morning.

832
00:41:07,359 --> 00:41:09,628
Christ.

833
00:41:09,662 --> 00:41:10,963
That was a long-ass day.

834
00:41:10,996 --> 00:41:13,365
10 hours of non-stop bullshit.

835
00:41:13,399 --> 00:41:15,868
I need it. Let's lock and load.

836
00:41:15,901 --> 00:41:19,738
I'm on it.
Let's do it.

837
00:41:19,772 --> 00:41:22,942
Oh, yes.

838
00:41:22,975 --> 00:41:26,178
Yes.

839
00:41:26,212 --> 00:41:28,380
Oh, God, yes.

840
00:41:32,451 --> 00:41:34,120
Oh, baby.

841
00:41:49,735 --> 00:41:51,036
Could have been you.

842
00:41:53,205 --> 00:41:54,907
What?

843
00:41:57,042 --> 00:41:58,811
C-Could you have been you.

844
00:41:58,844 --> 00:42:01,981
Like... like, um,
like the 50 Cent song

845
00:42:02,014 --> 00:42:05,851
because you love 50
and I love 50.

846
00:42:05,885 --> 00:42:08,187
And that's just what
I always think about

847
00:42:08,220 --> 00:42:10,156
when I'm taking care of my man.

848
00:42:10,189 --> 00:42:12,224
Oh, baby.
Let's get horizontal,

849
00:42:12,258 --> 00:42:14,126
then tomorrow Red Lobster.

850
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:15,394
Yay!

851
00:42:15,427 --> 00:42:17,096
Get up here.

852
00:42:34,980 --> 00:42:36,215
Sorry about that, man.

853
00:42:36,248 --> 00:42:38,417
I was a bit creeped
out back there.

854
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:43,189
- This is yours.
- Holy shit, thank you.

855
00:42:43,222 --> 00:42:45,024
Don't thank me.
Thank your friend Chip.

856
00:42:45,057 --> 00:42:47,893
He called you like
12 times on the phone.

857
00:42:47,927 --> 00:42:50,062
- Chip.
- Come on, let's go, man.

858
00:42:50,095 --> 00:42:51,430
I've got radio
in the morning.

859
00:42:51,463 --> 00:42:53,199
Yeah, and I'm Jeff Gordon.

860
00:43:01,540 --> 00:43:03,075
I'm sorry you had to see this,

861
00:43:03,108 --> 00:43:05,144
but a gal's gotta have
her beauty routine.

862
00:43:05,177 --> 00:43:07,046
Don't look at me, I'm hideous.

863
00:43:07,079 --> 00:43:08,247
Night, Chris.

864
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:09,748
Love you, bud.

865
00:43:16,155 --> 00:43:19,191
Where's my little guy?

866
00:43:19,225 --> 00:43:21,260
Where's my little guy?

867
00:43:21,293 --> 00:43:23,028
Will, it's radio time.

868
00:43:23,062 --> 00:43:24,797
Come on,
you sweet little pea pea.

869
00:43:27,399 --> 00:43:28,834
Let's do it.

870
00:43:33,839 --> 00:43:37,509
The cop was there
the whole time.

871
00:43:37,543 --> 00:43:41,080
And it was insane. Just staring.
And...

872
00:43:41,113 --> 00:43:44,149
Holy shit, dude,
that is a crazy story.

873
00:43:44,183 --> 00:43:46,885
I'm sorry I left you with her,
but that's fucking funny.

874
00:43:46,919 --> 00:43:48,988
Fuck you, Chris.

875
00:43:49,021 --> 00:43:51,090
Hey, yo, I got
to stay back here

876
00:43:51,123 --> 00:43:52,258
but I got to handle
some shit, alright?

877
00:43:52,291 --> 00:43:54,026
Alright.

878
00:44:05,871 --> 00:44:07,339
Chris, hey. Hey, baby.

879
00:44:07,373 --> 00:44:09,108
Randy's psyched to have you
back on the show, man.

880
00:44:09,141 --> 00:44:10,843
- We all are.
- Thank you.

881
00:44:10,876 --> 00:44:12,011
I haven't seeing you since...

882
00:44:12,044 --> 00:44:13,512
Oh, my God, last time I saw you,

883
00:44:13,545 --> 00:44:15,347
did you end up hooking up
with that blonde?

884
00:44:15,381 --> 00:44:17,182
- Blonde?
- The doctor, the blonde,

885
00:44:17,216 --> 00:44:18,484
the hot-ass blonde.

886
00:44:18,517 --> 00:44:20,853
- Not sure I remember.
- You don't re...

887
00:44:20,886 --> 00:44:23,989
Jesus Christ, I'd remember her
for the rest of my life.

888
00:44:24,023 --> 00:44:25,424
- Who is this?
- Oh, this is Will.

889
00:44:25,457 --> 00:44:26,859
He is emceeing this weekend.

890
00:44:26,892 --> 00:44:28,560
Super funny guy.
Is there room for him?

891
00:44:28,594 --> 00:44:30,929
Yeah. You got to share
a mic, though.

892
00:44:32,331 --> 00:44:33,599
It's alright.

893
00:44:37,303 --> 00:44:40,339
And we're back from
the break, y'alls guys.

894
00:44:40,372 --> 00:44:43,008
Our next guest can be seen
yuk-yuking it up this weeked

895
00:44:43,042 --> 00:44:46,111
at the Pennsylvania Improv
with headliner Billy G.

896
00:44:46,145 --> 00:44:50,482
For WGHS's Friday funnies
sponsored by Kirby's Donuts,

897
00:44:50,516 --> 00:44:55,020
please welcome my good buddy
Chris Palmer and...

898
00:44:55,054 --> 00:44:56,889
Will. Will Chu.

899
00:44:56,922 --> 00:44:58,457
Welcome to the Morning Zoo,
fellas.

900
00:44:58,490 --> 00:45:00,559
Oh, you know, Randy
let me just say

901
00:45:00,592 --> 00:45:03,028
from the bottom of my heart,
you're welcome.

902
00:45:05,431 --> 00:45:06,932
Well, Chris, last time
you were in town,

903
00:45:06,965 --> 00:45:09,234
I went and saw your set.
It was hilarious.

904
00:45:09,268 --> 00:45:10,536
The ladies really dig this guy.

905
00:45:10,569 --> 00:45:12,104
- We love him.
- Thank you again.

906
00:45:12,137 --> 00:45:13,505
You know,
when I came back from that show,

907
00:45:13,539 --> 00:45:15,341
I was telling these guys
about your Florida bit,

908
00:45:15,374 --> 00:45:18,210
and I was hoping
you would grace us with it.

909
00:45:18,243 --> 00:45:19,912
For you, anything.

910
00:45:19,945 --> 00:45:22,014
Yeah, Florida man,
so Florida man,

911
00:45:22,047 --> 00:45:24,350
are we ever
going to see a headline

912
00:45:24,383 --> 00:45:27,252
that's good that has
the phrase "a Florida man"?

913
00:45:27,286 --> 00:45:28,320
You guys know
what I'm talking about?

914
00:45:28,354 --> 00:45:30,255
It's always "a Florida man

915
00:45:30,289 --> 00:45:33,325
claims his wife
was kidnapped by holograms."

916
00:45:33,359 --> 00:45:36,929
Or "a Florida man set fire
to his apartment complex

917
00:45:36,962 --> 00:45:39,264
because his landlord told him
to stop masturbating

918
00:45:39,298 --> 00:45:42,034
in front his windows."
I mean, what's next?

919
00:45:42,067 --> 00:45:46,939
"A Florida man saves another
Florida man from a Florida man"?

920
00:45:46,972 --> 00:45:49,007
Love it, love it. I love it.

921
00:45:50,643 --> 00:45:52,044
Did you guys know that

922
00:45:52,077 --> 00:45:54,380
Ponce de Leon
discovered Florida?

923
00:45:54,413 --> 00:45:57,616
So he was looking
for the fountain of youth,

924
00:45:57,650 --> 00:46:00,986
and I don't know if you guys
have been to Florida lately,

925
00:46:01,019 --> 00:46:03,322
but it's not definitely
not in Florida.

926
00:46:07,159 --> 00:46:09,361
So, uh, Will, what's going on
in your world?

927
00:46:09,395 --> 00:46:12,564
Oh, well, this guy had
a little adventure last night,

928
00:46:12,598 --> 00:46:13,700
right, pal?

929
00:46:13,733 --> 00:46:15,300
I don't think I want to talk...

930
00:46:15,334 --> 00:46:17,069
Come on, it's live radio.
Give us something, buddy.

931
00:46:17,102 --> 00:46:18,937
- Dish.
- Have at it.

932
00:46:18,971 --> 00:46:22,474
I ended up in a cab with a very
nice young lady last night.

933
00:46:22,508 --> 00:46:24,476
And she was trying
to hook up with me.

934
00:46:24,510 --> 00:46:26,512
But I have a girlfriend back...

935
00:46:26,545 --> 00:46:30,115
Uh-oh.
- And then what happened?

936
00:46:30,149 --> 00:46:33,185
So I jumped out of a window
of her trailer

937
00:46:33,218 --> 00:46:37,256
because her boyfriend pulled up
and he was a police officer.

938
00:46:37,289 --> 00:46:41,093
And let's just say
he really knows

939
00:46:41,126 --> 00:46:43,228
how to blow off some steam.

940
00:46:47,433 --> 00:46:50,235
Like, he... he knows how
to blow off some steam.

941
00:46:50,269 --> 00:46:52,037
We heard it.

942
00:46:52,070 --> 00:46:53,706
Okay, Will,
this is the Friday funnies.

943
00:46:53,740 --> 00:46:57,509
Why don't you try giving us
something funny?

944
00:46:57,543 --> 00:46:59,611
Okay, so I'm from Ohio.

945
00:46:59,646 --> 00:47:02,347
- Boo.
- Come on.

946
00:47:02,381 --> 00:47:05,350
- Originally I was from Kansas.
- That's not funny either.

947
00:47:05,384 --> 00:47:06,653
Alright, let's check in
with Bill

948
00:47:06,686 --> 00:47:08,520
and hear about
this weekend's weather.

949
00:47:08,554 --> 00:47:10,556
Okay, this weekend's forecast,

950
00:47:10,589 --> 00:47:12,191
going to be a good one,
Zoo Crew.

951
00:47:12,224 --> 00:47:13,726
- Friday...
- What am I looking at here?

952
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:15,360
'Cause I want to be prepared.

953
00:47:15,394 --> 00:47:17,996
Alright, Friday is sunny
with a high of 70 degrees.

954
00:47:18,030 --> 00:47:21,300
Whoo, cotton T's, capri pants,
open-toed sandals, ladies SPF15.

955
00:47:21,333 --> 00:47:24,236
Saturday is sunny
with a high of 76 degrees.

956
00:47:24,269 --> 00:47:27,740
Tank top, cut-offs,
flip-flops, SPF30.

957
00:47:27,774 --> 00:47:30,576
And Sunday, we got
a high of 82 degrees.

958
00:47:30,609 --> 00:47:34,346
I'm calling sports bra,
no bottoms, barefoot, SPF50.

959
00:47:34,379 --> 00:47:37,717
- You rock, Bill.
- No, Val, you rock.

960
00:47:37,750 --> 00:47:39,051
What's the news?

961
00:47:39,084 --> 00:47:40,586
- Huey Lewis.
- Huey Lewis.

962
00:47:42,554 --> 00:47:43,790
Back to you, Randy.

963
00:47:43,823 --> 00:47:45,624
Alright, as you know,
Friday funnies

964
00:47:45,658 --> 00:47:47,493
is brought to you
by Kirby's Donuts

965
00:47:47,526 --> 00:47:49,027
and I love them.
We all do.

966
00:47:49,061 --> 00:47:50,395
Stop by and see them.

967
00:47:50,429 --> 00:47:52,297
And as a matter of fact,
during the next break

968
00:47:52,331 --> 00:47:54,566
I will finally sink my teeth
into that éclair

969
00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:57,737
that I've been eying
for the past 45 minutes.

970
00:47:57,770 --> 00:48:00,172
Big thanks to Kirby's Donuts.

971
00:48:00,205 --> 00:48:03,275
And a big thanks to Chris
and Willie from the Improv.

972
00:48:03,308 --> 00:48:05,277
Go see them this weekend.
They're performing with Billy G.

973
00:48:05,310 --> 00:48:09,314
We will be right back.

974
00:48:09,348 --> 00:48:11,049
Boom.
Alright.

975
00:48:11,083 --> 00:48:13,452
Hey, thanks for
coming in, fellas.

976
00:48:13,485 --> 00:48:15,822
Alright.

977
00:48:15,855 --> 00:48:17,289
What the fuck?

978
00:48:20,693 --> 00:48:22,528
Did you eat my éclair?

979
00:48:24,831 --> 00:48:26,532
Yes.

980
00:48:26,565 --> 00:48:29,134
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry
I didn't know it was yours.

981
00:48:29,167 --> 00:48:30,402
I can just go get another one.

982
00:48:30,435 --> 00:48:32,504
Like... Like, do you want me to
go get another one for you?

983
00:48:32,538 --> 00:48:33,605
Hey, thanks for coming in,
Chris.

984
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:35,407
Always good to see you, buddy.

985
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:37,309
Was it at Wrigley's Donuts?
I'm so sorry. I really didn't...

986
00:48:37,342 --> 00:48:40,212
- Hey, other comic.
- You're on a roll, my friend.

987
00:48:47,452 --> 00:48:50,255
- Dude.
- Whoa.

988
00:48:50,289 --> 00:48:51,523
You had chocolate on your face

989
00:48:51,557 --> 00:48:53,492
the whole time
he was yelling at you.

990
00:48:53,525 --> 00:48:56,261
They got a picture of it
online too, dawg.

991
00:48:56,295 --> 00:48:57,496
What?

992
00:48:57,529 --> 00:48:58,765
Oh, come...
That is uncalled for.

993
00:48:58,798 --> 00:49:02,635
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.

994
00:49:02,669 --> 00:49:04,837
I could look at this all day.

995
00:49:04,871 --> 00:49:06,138
Let's get out of here,
man.

996
00:49:06,171 --> 00:49:07,539
- Okay.
- Yeah, of course.

997
00:49:07,573 --> 00:49:09,308
- Dude, we got you.
<i>- Hey guys.</i>

998
00:49:09,341 --> 00:49:11,744
<i>I love Chris Palmer.
Great comic, great comic.</i>

999
00:49:11,778 --> 00:49:14,413
<i>Comes in, funny. Just funny.</i>

1000
00:49:14,446 --> 00:49:17,850
I mean, I love everyone.
I'll give anyone a shot.

1001
00:49:17,884 --> 00:49:19,418
Some guys just don't get it.

1002
00:49:19,451 --> 00:49:21,153
<i>Some guys just
don't know the game.</i>

1003
00:49:21,186 --> 00:49:22,521
<i>- Who?</i>
<i>- Who?</i>

1004
00:49:22,554 --> 00:49:24,389
<i>That douche,
that open mic douche.</i>

1005
00:49:24,423 --> 00:49:26,625
<i>Walt, Willie, Wally,
whatever his name was.</i>

1006
00:49:26,659 --> 00:49:28,627
- Who cares.
- He comes in here...

1007
00:49:28,661 --> 00:49:30,195
- Not funny.
- Unh-unh.

1008
00:49:30,228 --> 00:49:31,864
- Can you just turn that down?
- Sure, sure.

1009
00:49:31,898 --> 00:49:33,565
<i>So he comes in here,</i>

1010
00:49:33,599 --> 00:49:35,534
<i>stinks up the place
with a horrible joke.</i>

1011
00:49:35,567 --> 00:49:38,136
<i>Every time he talked,
it was just, "Ugh, who cares?"</i>

1012
00:49:38,170 --> 00:49:39,672
<i>You know, he's got
no future in comedy.</i>

1013
00:49:39,706 --> 00:49:42,574
No charisma.
Chris has charisma. And then...

1014
00:49:42,608 --> 00:49:44,343
Okay, maybe just
change the channel.

1015
00:49:44,376 --> 00:49:46,211
- Yeah, of course.
- Course.

1016
00:49:46,244 --> 00:49:48,614
He ate the only thing
I wanted in that box of donuts.

1017
00:49:48,648 --> 00:49:50,582
I looked forward to it all week.

1018
00:49:50,616 --> 00:49:53,485
<i>And that little bitch ate it.
He ate it. His jokes ate it.</i>

1019
00:49:53,518 --> 00:49:56,588
<i>His jokes stunk.
Stink, stank, stunk.</i>

1020
00:49:56,622 --> 00:49:58,725
<i>- It smells so bad in here.</i>
<i>- I feel sick.</i>

1021
00:49:58,758 --> 00:50:00,660
<i>So if you want to see a great
show this weekend</i>

1022
00:50:00,693 --> 00:50:03,328
at the Improv, go see Billy G
and Chris Palmer.

1023
00:50:03,362 --> 00:50:04,797
But if the show starts at 8:00,

1024
00:50:04,831 --> 00:50:07,599
show up at at 8:15
after that "comedian" is done.

1025
00:50:07,634 --> 00:50:09,869
<i>- Ugh.</i>
<i>- With his awful comedy.</i>

1026
00:50:09,902 --> 00:50:11,570
<i>Or if you do show up,
matter of fact,</i>

1027
00:50:11,603 --> 00:50:13,673
<i>if you do show up, boo him.</i>

1028
00:50:13,706 --> 00:50:15,742
<i>You know why?
Because Ohio sucks.</i>

1029
00:50:15,775 --> 00:50:19,478
<i>Boo that pig from Ohio
that ate my goddamn éclair.</i>

1030
00:50:19,511 --> 00:50:20,813
<i>- Boo. Boo him.</i>
<i>- Boo.</i>

1031
00:50:20,847 --> 00:50:22,214
<i>Checking traffic...</i>

1032
00:50:24,416 --> 00:50:27,920
Ohhh.

1033
00:50:27,954 --> 00:50:29,856
Oh, shit.

1034
00:50:37,229 --> 00:50:38,965
Chris, thanks for waking up
early to do press.

1035
00:50:38,998 --> 00:50:42,267
- Sure thing.
- Will.

1036
00:50:42,300 --> 00:50:43,736
You're on a short leash.

1037
00:50:43,770 --> 00:50:45,604
Well, I-I didn't know
he was going to get...

1038
00:50:45,638 --> 00:50:48,641
That was live on the radio.
The whole city heard it.

1039
00:50:48,675 --> 00:50:50,208
This is my business.

1040
00:50:50,242 --> 00:50:52,344
And you made my business
look really bad.

1041
00:50:52,377 --> 00:50:54,479
Well, I thought maybe
I was just making myself

1042
00:50:54,513 --> 00:50:57,784
- look really bad and...
- And you're working at my club,

1043
00:50:57,817 --> 00:51:00,753
hence my club looks bad.

1044
00:51:00,787 --> 00:51:02,454
That's strike one, Will.

1045
00:51:09,629 --> 00:51:11,263
That was pretty bad, huh?

1046
00:51:11,296 --> 00:51:13,365
Eh, just have some great sets.
He'll get over it.

1047
00:51:13,398 --> 00:51:14,566
You think so?

1048
00:51:14,599 --> 00:51:17,536
Eh, 50/50.

1049
00:51:17,569 --> 00:51:20,405
Whew. Lunch, Willy boy.
My treat, baby.

1050
00:51:23,375 --> 00:51:24,811
So, look, want to go
into the city tomorrow

1051
00:51:24,844 --> 00:51:26,545
and hit up that Warhol Museum?

1052
00:51:26,578 --> 00:51:27,914
Yeah, sure.

1053
00:51:27,947 --> 00:51:30,683
My God.

1054
00:51:30,717 --> 00:51:33,786
So there's coleslaw and fries
inside of the sandwich?

1055
00:51:33,820 --> 00:51:35,353
How did you find this place?

1056
00:51:35,387 --> 00:51:37,289
Well, when you're on the road
40 weeks a year,

1057
00:51:37,322 --> 00:51:38,825
you get to know the spots.

1058
00:51:38,858 --> 00:51:42,294
Philly, Geno's cheese steaks.
Cinci, Skyline chilli.

1059
00:51:42,327 --> 00:51:43,963
D.C., Ben's Chili Bowl.

1060
00:51:43,996 --> 00:51:46,632
San Jose, Original Joe's.

1061
00:51:46,666 --> 00:51:49,902
Plus there's
a lot of ass in here.

1062
00:51:49,936 --> 00:51:52,437
- She is so hot.
- I think she can hear you.

1063
00:51:52,471 --> 00:51:54,306
Oh, I hope so.

1064
00:51:54,339 --> 00:51:56,008
How about you? How do you write?

1065
00:51:56,042 --> 00:51:57,810
Well, I think of
something that I think is funny,

1066
00:51:57,844 --> 00:51:59,544
and then I go on stage
and I talk about it.

1067
00:51:59,578 --> 00:52:00,713
And then I talk
until they laugh.

1068
00:52:00,747 --> 00:52:02,982
- That's it. Easy.
- That's brave.

1069
00:52:03,015 --> 00:52:04,984
I-I don't know if I can
trust myself that much.

1070
00:52:05,017 --> 00:52:06,719
I need to plan everything out.

1071
00:52:06,753 --> 00:52:08,721
Well, look, I got three weeks
left on the road,

1072
00:52:08,755 --> 00:52:11,289
and then I am moving to L.A.,
baby.

1073
00:52:11,323 --> 00:52:12,658
- L.A.?
- Mm-hmm.

1074
00:52:12,692 --> 00:52:13,893
Why not New York City?

1075
00:52:13,926 --> 00:52:16,996
So you make 50 bucks
a show emceeing.

1076
00:52:17,029 --> 00:52:18,597
And then you're going to emcee
for a few years

1077
00:52:18,631 --> 00:52:20,599
to build your way up
to featuring like me.

1078
00:52:20,633 --> 00:52:22,334
And then you do that
for a few years,

1079
00:52:22,367 --> 00:52:23,870
making a 100 bucks a show,
which is still shit money.

1080
00:52:23,903 --> 00:52:25,604
And then you're going
to want to headline

1081
00:52:25,638 --> 00:52:27,039
to make the big bucks, right?

1082
00:52:27,073 --> 00:52:29,008
Well, nobody's going to
book you to headline

1083
00:52:29,041 --> 00:52:30,643
unless you've got a TV credit.

1084
00:52:30,676 --> 00:52:31,944
And you don't get a TV credit

1085
00:52:31,978 --> 00:52:34,412
unless you go to New York
or L.A.

1086
00:52:34,446 --> 00:52:35,982
And L.A. has sunshine.

1087
00:52:36,015 --> 00:52:38,684
Plus L.A.'s the big show, okay?
And I'm ready for it.

1088
00:52:38,718 --> 00:52:41,721
Get me an agent,
be seen, kill it.

1089
00:52:41,754 --> 00:52:44,489
Then you got fuck you money.
It's mailbox money, okay?

1090
00:52:44,523 --> 00:52:47,927
You get a Lambo,
pussy all the time.

1091
00:52:47,960 --> 00:52:49,929
That's it. What about you?
What's your plan?

1092
00:52:49,962 --> 00:52:51,898
I just recently
went all in on stand-up.

1093
00:52:51,931 --> 00:52:54,100
So that's why this weekend
is so important to me.

1094
00:52:54,133 --> 00:52:56,636
I'm hoping Chip
will book me again.

1095
00:52:56,669 --> 00:52:58,037
Hey, ever work
with Billy G before?

1096
00:52:58,070 --> 00:52:59,839
Once, a long time ago.

1097
00:52:59,872 --> 00:53:01,473
Look, I liked that dude
when I was a kid,

1098
00:53:01,506 --> 00:53:04,076
but he hasn't done shit
in what, 15 years?

1099
00:53:04,110 --> 00:53:05,577
Well, I think he's incredible.

1100
00:53:05,610 --> 00:53:07,647
Look, Will, I get it.
He's done shit.

1101
00:53:07,680 --> 00:53:09,882
Great. He's yesterday.

1102
00:53:09,916 --> 00:53:11,818
We are tomorrow.

1103
00:53:11,851 --> 00:53:13,853
But he's accomplished
what every comic wants.

1104
00:53:13,886 --> 00:53:16,555
He has an hour special
that everybody can quote.

1105
00:53:16,588 --> 00:53:18,758
He has a TV show
that runs 24 hours a day.

1106
00:53:18,791 --> 00:53:20,358
The guy's a TV star.

1107
00:53:20,392 --> 00:53:21,994
<i>Was</i> a TV star.

1108
00:53:22,028 --> 00:53:23,996
Well, he's still
an idol of mine.

1109
00:53:26,632 --> 00:53:28,466
Holy cow, what is it?

1110
00:53:28,500 --> 00:53:30,402
Planet of the eights in here?

1111
00:53:32,171 --> 00:53:33,806
See what I did with
the title of the movie?

1112
00:53:33,840 --> 00:53:35,141
Yeah, that's
"Planet of the Apes,"

1113
00:53:35,174 --> 00:53:36,843
- planet of the eights.
- Uh-huh.

1114
00:53:36,876 --> 00:53:38,811
- Yeah, that's a good one.
- He got it.

1115
00:53:44,750 --> 00:53:46,152
William, last night,

1116
00:53:46,185 --> 00:53:48,553
I went to my favorite
late-night noodle spot.

1117
00:53:48,587 --> 00:53:51,489
And I must have butt dialed you
five or six times.

1118
00:53:51,523 --> 00:53:53,159
I-I didn't even notice.

1119
00:53:53,192 --> 00:53:58,130
You didn't notice that
I called you 6, 8, 12 times?

1120
00:53:58,164 --> 00:54:01,000
Well, I, like, lost my phone
for a while.

1121
00:54:01,033 --> 00:54:04,637
My cat, Tchaikovsky, died.

1122
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:09,809
Have a great show.

1123
00:54:09,842 --> 00:54:11,409
Thank you.

1124
00:54:11,443 --> 00:54:13,045
Friday night,
let me hear you.

1125
00:54:13,079 --> 00:54:16,115
Who's ready for
a great show tonight?

1126
00:54:16,148 --> 00:54:17,817
It's called duck l'orange.

1127
00:54:17,850 --> 00:54:19,517
I'll let you make it
for me sometime.

1128
00:54:19,551 --> 00:54:21,787
I'm fucking around.
I'll make it for you.

1129
00:54:21,821 --> 00:54:23,656
Yo, there's my guy.

1130
00:54:23,689 --> 00:54:24,924
Hey, buddy.

1131
00:54:24,957 --> 00:54:27,459
Two shows tonight.
Let's kill it.

1132
00:54:27,492 --> 00:54:29,695
I think maybe I should wait
until the second show.

1133
00:54:29,729 --> 00:54:32,597
It's your first weekend, bud.
Let's do this.

1134
00:54:32,632 --> 00:54:35,935
Boom. Mm.

1135
00:54:35,968 --> 00:54:38,871
Alrighty. Love it.

1136
00:54:38,905 --> 00:54:41,506
Show your love
for your emcee for the night.

1137
00:54:41,539 --> 00:54:44,043
He does clubs and colleges
all over the city.

1138
00:54:44,076 --> 00:54:47,213
Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

1139
00:54:50,850 --> 00:54:52,985
Hey.

1140
00:54:53,019 --> 00:54:55,755
What's up, Pennsylvania?
How you guys doing tonight?

1141
00:54:57,790 --> 00:55:01,861
Awesome.
What a beautiful crowd, right?

1142
00:55:01,894 --> 00:55:06,165
I see a lot of pretty girls
here in Pennsylvania.

1143
00:55:06,198 --> 00:55:08,466
Not really here
but, like, in downtown, so...

1144
00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:11,637
But you guys are okay.
You guys are okay.

1145
00:55:11,671 --> 00:55:14,506
But I think there's one thing
we can all agree on, right?

1146
00:55:14,539 --> 00:55:18,044
- Ohio sucks.
- What?

1147
00:55:18,077 --> 00:55:19,845
Friday funnies.

1148
00:55:19,879 --> 00:55:21,781
That was a good one.

1149
00:55:21,814 --> 00:55:23,683
Alright, let's try
this one more time.

1150
00:55:23,716 --> 00:55:25,251
I think, as I was saying,

1151
00:55:25,284 --> 00:55:28,020
I think there's one thing
we can all agree on, is dating.

1152
00:55:28,054 --> 00:55:29,922
Dating is just
a little different now, right?

1153
00:55:29,956 --> 00:55:32,725
Everybody made it
out of their cubicle.

1154
00:55:32,758 --> 00:55:35,695
Hey, Billy. It was awesome
watching your set last night.

1155
00:55:35,728 --> 00:55:38,931
You know that bit about
your kids and breastfeeding?

1156
00:55:38,965 --> 00:55:41,267
That's one of
my all-time favorite bits.

1157
00:55:41,300 --> 00:55:42,935
Thanks.

1158
00:55:42,969 --> 00:55:45,738
So, hey, um,
I was just wondering,

1159
00:55:45,771 --> 00:55:47,673
tomorrow can I maybe
take you out for lunch

1160
00:55:47,707 --> 00:55:50,076
and just ask you
for some advice?

1161
00:55:50,109 --> 00:55:51,811
You know, like, about stand-up?

1162
00:55:57,549 --> 00:56:01,253
"Tonight Show,"
book for sale after the show,

1163
00:56:01,287 --> 00:56:04,090
"I got you this time,"
"Oh, That Billy."

1164
00:56:07,259 --> 00:56:08,894
Thanks.

1165
00:56:11,596 --> 00:56:12,965
Anybody do
some day drinking today?

1166
00:56:14,867 --> 00:56:18,070
The dude passed out in the back,
that's my kind of day drinker.

1167
00:56:18,104 --> 00:56:19,571
- Hell yeah.
- Hey, what's up, man?

1168
00:56:19,604 --> 00:56:21,539
- Hey, man.
- You hanging after the show?

1169
00:56:21,573 --> 00:56:22,975
- Sure.
- Cool. You smoke?

1170
00:56:23,009 --> 00:56:24,677
- Not really.
- Blow?

1171
00:56:24,710 --> 00:56:25,878
Definitely not.

1172
00:56:25,911 --> 00:56:27,313
Alright.
Try and go to a strip club?

1173
00:56:27,346 --> 00:56:30,316
- It's not really my speed.
- Oh, you pop pills?

1174
00:56:30,349 --> 00:56:33,285
Ricky, I feel like I'm not
a great hang for you.

1175
00:56:33,319 --> 00:56:36,022
- I'll break you.
- Sir, are you guys married?

1176
00:56:36,055 --> 00:56:38,623
Yep, you don't seem
too sure, okay.

1177
00:56:38,657 --> 00:56:40,026
Hell yeah, Pennsylvania,

1178
00:56:40,059 --> 00:56:42,728
you guys are dirty as shit,
and I love it.

1179
00:56:42,762 --> 00:56:44,562
Give it up
for yourselves, everybody.

1180
00:56:44,596 --> 00:56:46,932
Yeah.

1181
00:56:46,966 --> 00:56:49,335
Deejay, kick that jam
one more time.

1182
00:56:49,368 --> 00:56:52,604
Peace you all. Love you.

1183
00:56:55,607 --> 00:56:57,943
One more time, Chris Palmer,
ladies and gentlemen.

1184
00:57:01,247 --> 00:57:03,282
I can't go to
a Chinese restaurant

1185
00:57:03,315 --> 00:57:05,317
with white people anymore.

1186
00:57:05,351 --> 00:57:08,954
No, seriously, every time
I go to the Chinese restaurant

1187
00:57:08,988 --> 00:57:11,090
it's... wait, hang on, hang on.

1188
00:57:11,123 --> 00:57:13,092
Is she... She's seriously
on her phone right now.

1189
00:57:13,125 --> 00:57:15,661
Do you guys see this? Hello?

1190
00:57:15,694 --> 00:57:18,731
Miss, that's got to be
an important phone call.

1191
00:57:18,764 --> 00:57:20,633
Hang on a minute.
Who are you talking to?

1192
00:57:20,666 --> 00:57:24,703
Who you... Let me get that.
Hang on, hang on. Hang on.

1193
00:57:24,737 --> 00:57:28,707
Hello, sir.
I'm assuming it's a sir.

1194
00:57:28,741 --> 00:57:32,011
No, it's not.
Oh, hey, ma'am, how are you?

1195
00:57:32,044 --> 00:57:33,646
Who is this?

1196
00:57:33,679 --> 00:57:37,283
This is a comedian
that you don't know about.

1197
00:57:37,316 --> 00:57:38,818
Does your friend
have a boyfriend?

1198
00:57:38,851 --> 00:57:40,252
Yeah, his name is Tim.

1199
00:57:40,286 --> 00:57:41,821
- And what's your name, sir?
- Hank.

1200
00:57:41,854 --> 00:57:44,824
- Ohhh. Who is Hank?
- Who is Hank?

1201
00:57:44,857 --> 00:57:46,358
Who is Hank?
I don't know.

1202
00:57:46,392 --> 00:57:48,928
Erica is sitting next
to a handsome man named Hank.

1203
00:57:48,961 --> 00:57:51,931
Is she married? Like, should
somebody know about this?

1204
00:57:51,964 --> 00:57:53,899
This getting scandalous, guys.

1205
00:57:53,933 --> 00:57:55,201
Alright, Pennsylvania Improv,

1206
00:57:55,234 --> 00:57:56,902
are you guys ready
for your headliner?

1207
00:57:56,936 --> 00:57:59,672
Okay, you've seen him

1208
00:57:59,705 --> 00:58:02,341
in his numerous appearances
on "The Tonight Show,"

1209
00:58:02,374 --> 00:58:05,010
and you read his book,
the national best-seller,

1210
00:58:05,044 --> 00:58:06,779
"I Got You This Time."

1211
00:58:06,812 --> 00:58:09,048
And of course you know him
for his own television show,

1212
00:58:09,081 --> 00:58:10,282
"Oh, That Billy."

1213
00:58:10,316 --> 00:58:13,185
Let's give it up for Billy G!

1214
00:58:24,263 --> 00:58:25,698
- Alright, enjoy that book now.
- Trust me,

1215
00:58:25,731 --> 00:58:27,066
- you can't afford me.
- Okay.

1216
00:58:27,099 --> 00:58:28,400
I would come and strip
for your friend,

1217
00:58:28,434 --> 00:58:30,202
but it ain't going to happen.
It's too steep.

1218
00:58:30,236 --> 00:58:32,138
Hey, Will, come here a second.

1219
00:58:32,171 --> 00:58:33,873
I'll catch up with you guys.

1220
00:58:33,906 --> 00:58:35,841
- Yes, sir?
- Lunch tomorrow.

1221
00:58:35,875 --> 00:58:37,943
- Seriously?
- Dougherty's at noon.

1222
00:58:37,977 --> 00:58:39,378
Absolutely. I will...
I'll be there.

1223
00:58:39,411 --> 00:58:43,149
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, noon.
- It's a date.

1224
00:58:43,182 --> 00:58:45,384
No, it's just food
and conversation.

1225
00:58:45,417 --> 00:58:47,887
- It's not a date.
- Sorry, that was stupid.

1226
00:58:47,920 --> 00:58:50,055
It's not a date.
But I'll see you there.

1227
00:58:53,325 --> 00:58:55,794
Seriously, he said
lunch tomorrow.

1228
00:58:58,397 --> 00:59:02,234
Cool. Will, every weekend,
God willing,

1229
00:59:02,268 --> 00:59:04,803
one of your shows
will have a bachelorette party.

1230
00:59:07,973 --> 00:59:10,976
- Will, I'm fucking again.
- Good for you.

1231
00:59:11,010 --> 00:59:12,211
Thank you.

1232
00:59:19,852 --> 00:59:23,055
Alright, I can do that to you.

1233
00:59:23,088 --> 00:59:24,356
Alright, see you, bud.

1234
00:59:36,468 --> 00:59:39,471
Will, where the fuck
you been, man?

1235
00:59:39,505 --> 00:59:41,307
- Right here.
- Anyhoo, I'm about to go to

1236
00:59:41,340 --> 00:59:43,042
Slappy's Mess
and the strip club.

1237
00:59:43,075 --> 00:59:45,110
- You trying to roll?
- I'm good.

1238
00:59:45,144 --> 00:59:46,845
You want some ecstasy?

1239
00:59:46,879 --> 00:59:49,481
- Is everything okay back home?
- I'mma hug you now.

1240
00:59:49,515 --> 00:59:52,051
Okay.

1241
00:59:52,084 --> 00:59:53,485
Thank you.

1242
01:00:08,167 --> 01:00:10,069
Doing the, uh,
Siberian tiger thing.

1243
01:00:10,102 --> 01:00:12,938
You read about this? Mmm.

1244
01:00:12,972 --> 01:00:15,941
One meal a day. It's supposed
to simulate what they do.

1245
01:00:15,975 --> 01:00:18,143
Love you, bud.

1246
01:00:28,153 --> 01:00:34,793
Pick up.

1247
01:00:34,827 --> 01:00:36,095
Hey, Billy.

1248
01:00:36,128 --> 01:00:39,265
Let me ask you something.

1249
01:00:39,298 --> 01:00:41,233
Why do you want to do this?

1250
01:00:41,267 --> 01:00:43,936
I grew up watching stand-up.

1251
01:00:43,969 --> 01:00:45,304
My dad loves stand-up.

1252
01:00:45,337 --> 01:00:47,106
And that's all we did.

1253
01:00:47,139 --> 01:00:49,241
You know some kids, like,
they bond with their dads

1254
01:00:49,275 --> 01:00:51,510
watching baseball, basketball?

1255
01:00:51,543 --> 01:00:53,879
We watched stand-up.
We watched Eddie Murphy,

1256
01:00:53,912 --> 01:00:55,547
we watched you,
we watched Billy G.

1257
01:00:55,581 --> 01:00:59,084
Like, when I was 8 years old,
that was, like, my shit, man.

1258
01:00:59,118 --> 01:01:01,487
- Yeah.
- And, I mean,

1259
01:01:01,520 --> 01:01:04,523
I've always wanted
to be a stand-up.

1260
01:01:04,556 --> 01:01:07,259
I just... I just love it.

1261
01:01:07,293 --> 01:01:09,862
How much you work a night?

1262
01:01:09,895 --> 01:01:11,997
I do like a 12-minute set.

1263
01:01:12,031 --> 01:01:15,901
12 minutes? That's it?

1264
01:01:15,934 --> 01:01:17,303
So how much time
do you think

1265
01:01:17,336 --> 01:01:20,572
that the people
who come see our shows work?

1266
01:01:20,606 --> 01:01:23,242
Every week? What do you
think they work a day?

1267
01:01:23,275 --> 01:01:25,511
- Eight hours a day?
- Eight hours.

1268
01:01:25,544 --> 01:01:27,579
- Yeah.
- Five days a week.

1269
01:01:27,613 --> 01:01:31,383
Alright, so now do you think
that you deserve a shot

1270
01:01:31,417 --> 01:01:33,485
before you go and do 12 minutes?

1271
01:01:33,519 --> 01:01:35,621
When somebody's been
working all week?

1272
01:01:35,655 --> 01:01:37,589
If you put it that way,
no, I guess not.

1273
01:01:37,623 --> 01:01:39,892
No, you do not deserve a shot.

1274
01:01:39,925 --> 01:01:41,560
You want to be a party guy,

1275
01:01:41,593 --> 01:01:43,929
turn up, as the kids say...

1276
01:01:43,962 --> 01:01:45,030
that's what y'all say, right?

1277
01:01:45,064 --> 01:01:46,565
"I'm going to turn up."

1278
01:01:46,598 --> 01:01:48,400
And that's fine.
You know, some people come down,

1279
01:01:48,434 --> 01:01:50,469
that's all they want to do
is have a good time,

1280
01:01:50,502 --> 01:01:53,405
hang out in the green room,
get laid, you know?

1281
01:01:53,439 --> 01:01:55,240
And eat some Cheetos.

1282
01:01:55,274 --> 01:01:57,109
But you got to respect
that audience.

1283
01:01:57,142 --> 01:01:59,278
Do your job first.

1284
01:01:59,311 --> 01:02:01,180
Mmm.

1285
01:02:01,213 --> 01:02:02,281
This alright, right here, man.

1286
01:02:02,314 --> 01:02:05,084
You ever had some of this?

1287
01:02:05,117 --> 01:02:06,452
Taste that.

1288
01:02:06,485 --> 01:02:08,087
Take a little bite here.

1289
01:02:08,120 --> 01:02:09,455
See, get that up in you.

1290
01:02:09,488 --> 01:02:11,023
- Mmm.
- What?

1291
01:02:11,056 --> 01:02:13,492
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

1292
01:02:13,525 --> 01:02:15,427
Do you have any advice
for, like, a young comic?

1293
01:02:15,461 --> 01:02:17,896
Like, what should I be doing?

1294
01:02:17,930 --> 01:02:21,233
I'mma tell you two things.

1295
01:02:21,266 --> 01:02:23,636
- Write it down.
- Okay.

1296
01:02:23,670 --> 01:02:26,505
Be...

1297
01:02:26,538 --> 01:02:29,141
funny.

1298
01:02:29,174 --> 01:02:30,643
Funny.

1299
01:02:33,612 --> 01:02:38,685
I'm fucking with you, man.

1300
01:02:38,718 --> 01:02:40,619
- I wrote it down.
- I'm fucking with you.

1301
01:02:40,653 --> 01:02:44,156
Okay, look, no, but for real.
Two things.

1302
01:02:44,189 --> 01:02:46,959
Write and get on stage.

1303
01:02:46,992 --> 01:02:50,062
- That's it?
- That's it.

1304
01:02:50,095 --> 01:02:52,531
Yeah, I'm actually working on
this bit. So it's about...

1305
01:02:52,564 --> 01:02:54,099
Look, I don't want to hear
about your bits.

1306
01:02:54,133 --> 01:02:55,501
I don't want to hear
about your bits.

1307
01:02:55,534 --> 01:02:57,637
Good for you.
You got a new bit, great.

1308
01:02:57,670 --> 01:02:59,204
Keep working on it.
Work it out.

1309
01:02:59,238 --> 01:03:01,708
But don't...
don't tell me about no bits.

1310
01:03:01,741 --> 01:03:03,375
Okay.

1311
01:03:03,409 --> 01:03:06,178
So you want to know
when do you become a comic?

1312
01:03:06,211 --> 01:03:08,313
Most young kids, they believe

1313
01:03:08,347 --> 01:03:10,315
it's about when they
a headliner, right?

1314
01:03:10,349 --> 01:03:13,051
Even being a headliner
don't mean you a comic.

1315
01:03:13,085 --> 01:03:15,487
When you find
your own point of view,

1316
01:03:15,521 --> 01:03:18,257
get your own voice,
get selfish with that shit.

1317
01:03:18,290 --> 01:03:20,693
Get... Say stuff that means
something to you on the inside

1318
01:03:20,727 --> 01:03:22,194
and make you laugh.

1319
01:03:22,227 --> 01:03:24,664
Larry the Cable Guy. Gaffigan.

1320
01:03:24,697 --> 01:03:26,331
Chris Rock. Katt Williams.

1321
01:03:26,365 --> 01:03:28,967
When I say these names,
you can already envision

1322
01:03:29,001 --> 01:03:30,402
- their audience, right?
- Mm-hmm.

1323
01:03:30,436 --> 01:03:32,337
That's 'cause
they talking to their audience.

1324
01:03:32,371 --> 01:03:34,406
They audience find them.
That's what you got to do.

1325
01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:36,208
Find your voice.

1326
01:03:36,241 --> 01:03:40,012
You find your voice,
your audience will find you.

1327
01:03:40,045 --> 01:03:44,049
And that's when
you're a comedian.

1328
01:03:44,082 --> 01:03:45,451
What about you?

1329
01:03:45,484 --> 01:03:47,519
The funny thing is
when I first started this,

1330
01:03:47,553 --> 01:03:51,089
I used to think
that I had to make them laugh

1331
01:03:51,123 --> 01:03:53,091
so that I could feel good.

1332
01:03:53,125 --> 01:03:57,095
But over time, I realized
that I make them laugh

1333
01:03:57,129 --> 01:03:59,331
so that they feel good.

1334
01:03:59,364 --> 01:04:01,433
It's the best job in the world.

1335
01:04:03,670 --> 01:04:05,103
Give you one other thing
real quick.

1336
01:04:05,137 --> 01:04:06,238
Write this down.

1337
01:04:06,271 --> 01:04:10,242
Billy is leaving.

1338
01:04:10,275 --> 01:04:11,644
Yeah.

1339
01:04:21,220 --> 01:04:23,255
Willy boy.

1340
01:04:23,288 --> 01:04:24,590
What's up, bro?

1341
01:04:24,623 --> 01:04:26,225
I'm working out
this new joke tonight.

1342
01:04:26,258 --> 01:04:27,760
So I just want to
run it over a couple...

1343
01:04:27,794 --> 01:04:31,563
Yeah, don't try out new jokes
on a Saturday, bud.

1344
01:04:31,597 --> 01:04:34,199
Do that Sunday or Thursday,
not tonight.

1345
01:04:34,233 --> 01:04:40,305
Good evening, and welcome
to the world-famous Improv.

1346
01:04:40,339 --> 01:04:44,243
Saturday night,
make some noise.

1347
01:04:44,276 --> 01:04:47,412
I said, Saturday night,
make some noise.

1348
01:04:48,514 --> 01:04:50,382
Now, please welcome to the stage

1349
01:04:50,415 --> 01:04:52,084
your emcee for the night.

1350
01:04:52,117 --> 01:04:54,186
He does clubs and colleges.

1351
01:04:54,219 --> 01:04:57,155
Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

1352
01:05:01,226 --> 01:05:05,063
Hey, what's up?

1353
01:05:05,097 --> 01:05:07,099
What's up, Pennsylvania?

1354
01:05:07,132 --> 01:05:09,736
How you guys doing?

1355
01:05:09,769 --> 01:05:12,337
Alright.
Are we having fun tonight?

1356
01:05:12,371 --> 01:05:15,574
Are you guys ready
for some comedy?

1357
01:05:15,607 --> 01:05:16,776
Alright.

1358
01:05:16,809 --> 01:05:18,845
I see a lot of pretty girls
here in Pennsylvania, right?

1359
01:05:18,878 --> 01:05:21,413
Am I right? Yeah.

1360
01:05:21,446 --> 01:05:23,415
Not really here but, like,
in downtown, you know?

1361
01:05:23,448 --> 01:05:26,318
Ohio sucks. Ohio sucks.

1362
01:05:28,554 --> 01:05:32,090
Alright, oh, geez. Sorry.

1363
01:05:35,193 --> 01:05:36,663
Hello?

1364
01:05:36,696 --> 01:05:39,231
Alright, Pennsylvania,
you guys ready to have some fun?

1365
01:05:41,567 --> 01:05:44,403
Okay, I want to talk
about myself tonight.

1366
01:05:44,436 --> 01:05:50,142
And my... my...
my father...

1367
01:05:50,175 --> 01:05:52,244
Actually, my... my...
my girlfriend...

1368
01:05:52,277 --> 01:05:53,512
so I have a girlfriend.

1369
01:05:53,545 --> 01:05:56,148
She's a teacher.
And most people they...

1370
01:05:56,181 --> 01:05:59,719
they usually say
teachers are underpaid, right?

1371
01:05:59,752 --> 01:06:02,789
But I think they're
actually overpaid.

1372
01:06:05,223 --> 01:06:06,893
That's a joke obviously.
I don't... I don't...

1373
01:06:06,926 --> 01:06:14,232
I'm not getting political here
or anything.

1374
01:06:14,266 --> 01:06:16,703
You know, my... my...
my girlfriend called me out.

1375
01:06:16,736 --> 01:06:19,137
I've been a little bit
of a bummer lately.

1376
01:06:19,171 --> 01:06:22,341
And so she said if I was a city,

1377
01:06:22,374 --> 01:06:23,876
I would be like Seattle.

1378
01:06:28,580 --> 01:06:30,182
It's...

1379
01:06:30,215 --> 01:06:35,253
You know, it's...
it's, like, rainy and it's dark.

1380
01:06:35,287 --> 01:06:38,825
And it just...

1381
01:06:38,858 --> 01:06:42,194
Well, so I was
thinking about this.

1382
01:06:42,227 --> 01:06:46,431
I'm like, "Okay, what if
I was to upgrade to a city?

1383
01:06:46,465 --> 01:06:47,934
What city would I upgrade to,
right?

1384
01:06:47,967 --> 01:06:49,736
If it's not for Seattle,

1385
01:06:49,769 --> 01:06:54,606
then maybe I can upgrade
to Flint, Michigan."

1386
01:06:54,641 --> 01:06:56,643
- That's...
- What the fuck is he doing?

1387
01:06:56,676 --> 01:06:57,910
- He's dying.
- Or, you know, what if

1388
01:06:57,944 --> 01:07:00,479
I really upgrade,
like I-I-I hit it big,

1389
01:07:00,512 --> 01:07:02,280
and... and then I make it to,

1390
01:07:02,314 --> 01:07:04,616
I don't know, like, uh...
like Cleveland, right?

1391
01:07:04,651 --> 01:07:06,218
Ohio.

1392
01:07:06,251 --> 01:07:07,854
I wish you would
go back to Cleveland.

1393
01:07:07,887 --> 01:07:09,421
Even Flint.

1394
01:07:11,623 --> 01:07:15,627
Okay.
Actually, this weekend,

1395
01:07:15,662 --> 01:07:18,530
I-I was going to go to Columbus
with my girlfriend.

1396
01:07:18,563 --> 01:07:21,500
You should go meet her
right now. Please.

1397
01:07:21,533 --> 01:07:23,936
Just... Just head there now.

1398
01:07:23,970 --> 01:07:26,238
Well, let's...

1399
01:07:26,271 --> 01:07:27,606
Light him. Light him.

1400
01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:30,208
Where... Where is it? Here?
I'm doing it.

1401
01:07:30,242 --> 01:07:32,812
Are you guys ready
for your next comedian?

1402
01:07:33,946 --> 01:07:36,883
Okay.

1403
01:07:36,916 --> 01:07:38,751
What the fuck happened?

1404
01:07:38,785 --> 01:07:41,788
- I am so sorry.
- On a Saturday night?

1405
01:07:41,821 --> 01:07:43,656
I was just trying to get
personal with my mat...

1406
01:07:43,690 --> 01:07:45,758
Don't get per... What...
It's not "Dr. Phil."

1407
01:07:45,792 --> 01:07:47,259
That's your second strike.

1408
01:07:47,292 --> 01:07:48,761
You know what happens
on the third.

1409
01:07:48,795 --> 01:07:50,863
- It won't happen again.
- Yeah, it certainly won't.

1410
01:07:50,897 --> 01:07:52,632
Because I'm cutting your time
on the next show.

1411
01:07:52,665 --> 01:07:54,634
You're getting five minutes,
that's it,

1412
01:07:54,667 --> 01:07:56,401
and bring up the guest spot.

1413
01:07:56,435 --> 01:07:58,905
Got it.

1414
01:08:01,774 --> 01:08:03,876
Fuck.

1415
01:08:03,910 --> 01:08:06,679
- Yo, thanks, man. Thanks.
- Alright, how you doing, man?

1416
01:08:06,713 --> 01:08:09,281
- Big fan.
- Thank you guys for coming out.

1417
01:08:09,314 --> 01:08:11,483
- Sorry.
- Whoa.

1418
01:08:11,516 --> 01:08:14,319
Thanks for the flashback,
my man.

1419
01:08:14,352 --> 01:08:16,956
Well, you told me
to write more about myself

1420
01:08:16,989 --> 01:08:18,523
so I just thought, you know...

1421
01:08:18,557 --> 01:08:21,560
Yeah. I also said be funny.

1422
01:08:21,593 --> 01:08:24,697
- Jesus.
- You're the emcee, you know?

1423
01:08:24,731 --> 01:08:26,598
Supposed to warm
the place up, you know?

1424
01:08:26,632 --> 01:08:27,867
Yeah, but I never
dealt with hecklers.

1425
01:08:27,900 --> 01:08:29,568
Do a little crowd work
or something.

1426
01:08:29,601 --> 01:08:31,336
I don't know if I'm that good
with crowd work yet.

1427
01:08:31,369 --> 01:08:32,604
What about the other night?

1428
01:08:32,638 --> 01:08:34,506
The lady with the phone.
That was funny.

1429
01:08:34,539 --> 01:08:36,709
Well, that actually happened,
so I was just kind of reacting.

1430
01:08:36,743 --> 01:08:39,879
Exactly. Crowd work. Reacting.

1431
01:08:39,912 --> 01:08:43,415
Hey, Will, come here.

1432
01:08:43,448 --> 01:08:44,717
Sorry.

1433
01:08:44,751 --> 01:08:46,786
Hey, guys, how are you?

1434
01:08:46,819 --> 01:08:48,520
Brooke Bailey...
she's going to run her

1435
01:08:48,553 --> 01:08:49,989
"Tonight Show" set
for next week.

1436
01:08:50,022 --> 01:08:52,725
Don't fuck up her intro too,
okay?

1437
01:08:52,759 --> 01:08:55,661
- Okay.
- Okay.

1438
01:08:55,695 --> 01:08:57,462
Wow, "Tonight Show," congrats.
I'm Will.

1439
01:08:57,496 --> 01:08:59,031
- Hi. Brooke.
- Nice to meet you.

1440
01:08:59,065 --> 01:09:00,733
You too.

1441
01:09:00,767 --> 01:09:03,301
So is there anything you want me
to say for your intro?

1442
01:09:03,335 --> 01:09:05,838
You can just say
the Comedy Cavalcade Tour

1443
01:09:05,872 --> 01:09:07,073
and then I'm doing
"The Tonight Show"

1444
01:09:07,106 --> 01:09:08,941
- on Thursday.
- Okay, cool.

1445
01:09:08,975 --> 01:09:11,711
Finally sold
two fucking T-shirts.

1446
01:09:11,744 --> 01:09:14,747
Making it rain, baby.
Holy shit.

1447
01:09:14,781 --> 01:09:16,783
- Brooke, what's going on?
- Hi. How's it going?

1448
01:09:16,816 --> 01:09:18,785
- So, you doing time?
- I am doing time.

1449
01:09:18,818 --> 01:09:20,485
She's doing "The Tonight Show"
on Thursday.

1450
01:09:20,519 --> 01:09:22,420
What? Then we got to celebrate.

1451
01:09:22,454 --> 01:09:23,823
- Oh, wow.
- Ohh!

1452
01:09:23,856 --> 01:09:25,490
The lovely Miss Bailey.

1453
01:09:25,524 --> 01:09:26,692
- How are you?
- Good to see you.

1454
01:09:26,726 --> 01:09:27,960
Oh, goodness.

1455
01:09:27,994 --> 01:09:29,361
Heard you got
"The Tonight Show."

1456
01:09:29,394 --> 01:09:31,030
- Yeah.
- I called Jimmy, alright?

1457
01:09:31,063 --> 01:09:32,832
- I told him to take care of you.
- You're the best.

1458
01:09:32,865 --> 01:09:34,901
- Thank you.
- Well, I mean, you deserve it.

1459
01:09:34,934 --> 01:09:36,903
You're talented. You work hard.
Come on.

1460
01:09:36,936 --> 01:09:38,905
Like I told you,
I said first thing first...

1461
01:09:38,938 --> 01:09:40,438
No, what you would
always say to me

1462
01:09:40,472 --> 01:09:42,541
is don't write down
jokes in your phone.

1463
01:09:42,574 --> 01:09:44,644
Always write it on a piece
of paper with a pen

1464
01:09:44,677 --> 01:09:46,078
because it makes it
more personal.

1465
01:09:46,112 --> 01:09:47,747
Doing your thing,
super talented.

1466
01:09:47,780 --> 01:09:48,915
You deserve this.

1467
01:09:52,551 --> 01:09:55,688
Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

1468
01:09:57,056 --> 01:09:59,025
What's up?

1469
01:09:59,058 --> 01:10:02,394
Packed house tonight
on a Saturday.

1470
01:10:02,427 --> 01:10:04,797
A lot of pretty girls
in Pennsylvania, am I right?

1471
01:10:04,831 --> 01:10:06,464
Look at them.

1472
01:10:06,498 --> 01:10:09,836
Ohio sucks. Ohio sucks.

1473
01:10:09,869 --> 01:10:12,370
Ohio sucks.

1474
01:10:13,605 --> 01:10:17,076
Okay.

1475
01:10:17,109 --> 01:10:20,813
How are you guys doing?

1476
01:10:20,847 --> 01:10:22,748
Mother and daughter?

1477
01:10:22,782 --> 01:10:24,449
Yeah.

1478
01:10:24,482 --> 01:10:27,552
- Where's... Where's Dad?
- Oh, he's not with us.

1479
01:10:27,586 --> 01:10:30,990
Okay. Is he, like, fishing?
Or bowling?

1480
01:10:31,023 --> 01:10:32,457
He's dead.

1481
01:10:32,490 --> 01:10:33,893
Ohio sucks.

1482
01:10:37,596 --> 01:10:40,498
Nice, uh, pretzels, right?

1483
01:10:40,532 --> 01:10:43,568
- He is not funny.
- Not at all.

1484
01:10:43,602 --> 01:10:46,438
Father and daughter.

1485
01:10:46,471 --> 01:10:50,442
Father and son, right?
That's cool.

1486
01:10:50,475 --> 01:10:53,612
Do you like to eat
chicken wings?

1487
01:10:53,646 --> 01:10:55,513
Why... W-What's up with...

1488
01:10:58,718 --> 01:11:01,486
You know if you split improv
into two words,

1489
01:11:01,519 --> 01:11:03,990
it's kind of like I'm pro,

1490
01:11:04,023 --> 01:11:06,659
with a V at the end.

1491
01:11:11,063 --> 01:11:12,698
Are you guys ready
for your next comedian?

1492
01:11:12,732 --> 01:11:17,136
- Yeah.
- Yes.

1493
01:11:17,169 --> 01:11:20,106
Thanks. Hi, everybody.

1494
01:11:20,139 --> 01:11:22,440
Hello. Hi.

1495
01:11:22,474 --> 01:11:24,176
Wow, thank you, thank you.

1496
01:11:24,210 --> 01:11:27,079
Give it up for, Will.

1497
01:11:27,113 --> 01:11:28,981
It's good to be here.

1498
01:11:29,015 --> 01:11:32,617
I did not Uber here.
I do not Uber.

1499
01:11:32,652 --> 01:11:34,486
All my guy friends
want me to take an Uber

1500
01:11:34,519 --> 01:11:36,588
whenever I'm scared
to walk to my car,

1501
01:11:36,621 --> 01:11:37,823
take an Uber, it's super safe.

1502
01:11:37,857 --> 01:11:39,959
For who? Why... Why is it safe?

1503
01:11:39,992 --> 01:11:41,559
All my guy friends
are like, "What do you mean?

1504
01:11:41,593 --> 01:11:42,695
There's a rating system."

1505
01:11:42,728 --> 01:11:44,897
Oh, really? Is that what was
wrong with hitchhiking?

1506
01:11:44,931 --> 01:11:47,900
There was no rating system?

1507
01:11:47,934 --> 01:11:50,136
I feel like all my mother
ever said to me

1508
01:11:50,169 --> 01:11:51,871
was "do not talk to strangers."

1509
01:11:51,904 --> 01:11:54,674
Now every night
I get in the car with one,

1510
01:11:54,707 --> 01:11:56,976
I show him where I live,

1511
01:11:57,009 --> 01:11:58,978
and then I eat his candy.

1512
01:12:03,950 --> 01:12:06,953
- Yeah, of course, of course.
- Thank you so much.

1513
01:12:06,986 --> 01:12:08,654
Oh, yes.

1514
01:12:08,688 --> 01:12:10,122
- Thanks.
- Bye.

1515
01:12:10,156 --> 01:12:11,757
I don't know, actually,

1516
01:12:11,791 --> 01:12:14,727
if there are different
belts in kickboxing.

1517
01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:16,528
I just do the YouTube videos.

1518
01:12:16,561 --> 01:12:19,464
Yo, let's definitely hit up
that Warhol tomorrow, okay?

1519
01:12:26,005 --> 01:12:28,540
Uh, look, Chip,
I'm... I'm sorry about...

1520
01:12:28,573 --> 01:12:30,109
Not now, Will.
I think we can both agree

1521
01:12:30,142 --> 01:12:32,678
that stand-up's not
in the cards for you.

1522
01:12:32,712 --> 01:12:34,680
Can't think of any reason for
you to come out tomorrow night,

1523
01:12:34,714 --> 01:12:36,983
but thanks for coming in.

1524
01:12:41,921 --> 01:12:42,955
Hey.

1525
01:12:42,989 --> 01:12:44,123
What?

1526
01:12:44,156 --> 01:12:46,092
You the comedian?

1527
01:12:46,125 --> 01:12:47,827
Apparently not.

1528
01:12:47,860 --> 01:12:52,098
Are you the comedian Will Chu
who was on the radio?

1529
01:12:52,131 --> 01:12:54,566
Look, man, I know Ohio
sucks, alright?

1530
01:12:54,599 --> 01:12:58,971
Will Chu who told a story
on the radio

1531
01:12:59,005 --> 01:13:03,042
where you ended up in a trailer
with a girl who had a boyfriend?

1532
01:13:03,075 --> 01:13:06,078
And you were in my fucking home,
drinking my beers?

1533
01:13:06,112 --> 01:13:09,081
When I found two open beers,
I couldn't understand

1534
01:13:09,115 --> 01:13:11,851
why does my girl
have two open beers?

1535
01:13:11,884 --> 01:13:14,220
I don't get it.
Are you that Will Chu

1536
01:13:14,253 --> 01:13:17,990
who lives at 223 Clark Street
in Steubenville?

1537
01:13:18,024 --> 01:13:19,759
It is too late to say no?

1538
01:13:19,792 --> 01:13:21,127
Ow!

1539
01:13:21,160 --> 01:13:22,995
I never laid my hands on her.

1540
01:13:23,029 --> 01:13:25,297
No shit.

1541
01:13:25,331 --> 01:13:26,999
And by the way,
no one will fucking believe you

1542
01:13:27,033 --> 01:13:29,702
if you tell them what I did.
I've done it a bunch.

1543
01:13:37,810 --> 01:13:39,245
<i>What's up?
You've reached Jen.</i>

1544
01:13:39,278 --> 01:13:40,780
<i>Well, not actually.
I'm not here.</i>

1545
01:13:40,813 --> 01:13:41,814
<i>You know what to do.</i>

1546
01:13:43,349 --> 01:13:44,650
Hey, babe.

1547
01:13:44,683 --> 01:13:46,719
I just got back.

1548
01:13:46,752 --> 01:13:49,822
Thought I'd give you a call.

1549
01:13:49,855 --> 01:13:51,690
Things are going
pretty okay here.

1550
01:13:54,660 --> 01:13:59,265
Y-You know what, maybe...
maybe it's not so good.

1551
01:13:59,298 --> 01:14:02,968
Actually, it's a pretty
fucking horrible night.

1552
01:14:05,738 --> 01:14:09,642
Maybe stand-up is just not
really in the cards, you know?

1553
01:14:09,675 --> 01:14:12,945
Maybe I just don't have it.

1554
01:14:14,980 --> 01:14:16,248
Bye.

1555
01:14:50,850 --> 01:14:54,619
<i>Hey, Will. Lunch.</i>

1556
01:15:06,866 --> 01:15:11,036
Hey.

1557
01:15:11,070 --> 01:15:12,738
Oh.

1558
01:15:12,771 --> 01:15:14,807
Whoa.

1559
01:15:14,840 --> 01:15:17,409
Whoa, man, what happened
to your eye?

1560
01:15:17,443 --> 01:15:19,712
Well, a cop punched me
in the face

1561
01:15:19,745 --> 01:15:21,247
because I was hanging out
with his girl.

1562
01:15:21,280 --> 01:15:24,083
That's fucking awesome.

1563
01:15:24,116 --> 01:15:26,051
That's fucking awesome.

1564
01:15:29,889 --> 01:15:32,858
Yeah, well, just getting
something to eat,

1565
01:15:32,892 --> 01:15:34,894
then I'm hitting the road.

1566
01:15:34,927 --> 01:15:38,297
Whoa, wait... wait a minute.
What about tonight?

1567
01:15:41,200 --> 01:15:42,434
There's no tonight.

1568
01:15:42,468 --> 01:15:44,737
I'm heading back to Ohio.

1569
01:15:44,770 --> 01:15:47,306
Didn't you quit your job
to do this?

1570
01:15:47,339 --> 01:15:50,843
Yeah, but you saw
what I did last night.

1571
01:15:50,876 --> 01:15:53,779
Yeah, you bombed.
Bombed hard, too.

1572
01:15:53,812 --> 01:15:56,749
Shit, your ass should be
on a TSA watch list.

1573
01:15:56,782 --> 01:16:00,286
Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Will Chu.

1574
01:16:00,319 --> 01:16:02,421
Chip said I'm done.

1575
01:16:02,454 --> 01:16:04,290
Chip said?

1576
01:16:04,323 --> 01:16:06,859
Chip said you're done?
What about you?

1577
01:16:06,892 --> 01:16:08,294
You... You say it's over?

1578
01:16:08,327 --> 01:16:11,163
Man, you know what?

1579
01:16:11,197 --> 01:16:13,232
Go on. Go on.
Get the fuck out of here, man.

1580
01:16:13,265 --> 01:16:15,067
If that's all it takes,
go ahead on.

1581
01:16:15,100 --> 01:16:18,904
Bye. Bye. Who gives a damn?

1582
01:16:18,938 --> 01:16:21,373
You saw me.
It went terrible.

1583
01:16:21,407 --> 01:16:22,975
You actually should
be proud of yourself.

1584
01:16:23,008 --> 01:16:24,410
Y-You going quick.

1585
01:16:24,443 --> 01:16:26,345
You... You... You actually quit
your job, man.

1586
01:16:26,378 --> 01:16:28,047
Quit your job,
drove your ass down here.

1587
01:16:28,080 --> 01:16:30,916
Been getting on the stage.
You're actually doing it.

1588
01:16:30,950 --> 01:16:32,751
One, two bad shows,
and now that's it.

1589
01:16:32,785 --> 01:16:34,019
That's all it take?

1590
01:16:34,053 --> 01:16:36,055
Ain't the last no
you going to get.

1591
01:16:36,088 --> 01:16:37,489
You're going to hear
a whole avalanche

1592
01:16:37,523 --> 01:16:39,391
of no's you stay
in this business.

1593
01:16:39,425 --> 01:16:41,827
There's going to be shows
that you want going to be a no.

1594
01:16:41,860 --> 01:16:43,229
You're going to get shows
that you're hired on,

1595
01:16:43,262 --> 01:16:45,197
they're going to fire you.

1596
01:16:45,231 --> 01:16:47,466
You're going to have things
that your friends book

1597
01:16:47,499 --> 01:16:49,134
that you thought
you should book

1598
01:16:49,168 --> 01:16:50,903
because you believe
you funnier than they are.

1599
01:16:50,936 --> 01:16:52,171
You're going to
write a new joke,

1600
01:16:52,204 --> 01:16:54,273
you're going to be out on that
stage, you're going to try it,

1601
01:16:54,306 --> 01:16:55,541
and that audience
is going to be like,

1602
01:16:55,574 --> 01:16:57,977
"No, I want to hear
all the old shit."

1603
01:16:58,010 --> 01:17:03,282
But guess what is more powerful
than all of those no's.

1604
01:17:03,315 --> 01:17:05,117
Your belief in yourself.

1605
01:17:07,119 --> 01:17:09,388
You know, what happened
to you last night, sure,

1606
01:17:09,421 --> 01:17:11,257
it's the worst thing
that can happen to a comic.

1607
01:17:11,290 --> 01:17:15,227
You bombed.
And in a spectacular fashion.

1608
01:17:15,261 --> 01:17:19,231
I mean, boom.

1609
01:17:19,265 --> 01:17:20,432
You in pain?

1610
01:17:20,466 --> 01:17:24,370
No, not really.
Just a shiner.

1611
01:17:24,403 --> 01:17:27,873
No, no, no, you in pain.

1612
01:17:27,906 --> 01:17:29,975
You in pain, I'm in pain.

1613
01:17:30,009 --> 01:17:32,978
That's... That's what
the life of a comic is, man.

1614
01:17:33,012 --> 01:17:35,481
We take our pain.
We got to find that stuff.

1615
01:17:35,514 --> 01:17:37,216
That's what we take on stage.

1616
01:17:37,249 --> 01:17:40,119
When we find that pain,
got to learn to embrace it.

1617
01:17:40,152 --> 01:17:42,488
Take what's personal and
you give it to that audience,

1618
01:17:42,521 --> 01:17:44,490
and it makes them laugh.

1619
01:17:44,523 --> 01:17:49,194
But the thing about stand-up,
son, you listening?

1620
01:17:49,228 --> 01:17:53,198
Is that you have a chance
to be better today

1621
01:17:53,232 --> 01:17:54,933
than you was yesterday.

1622
01:18:04,877 --> 01:18:06,345
It's another show tonight.

1623
01:18:16,322 --> 01:18:19,325
If he was the one
that's, like, doing the...

1624
01:18:19,358 --> 01:18:25,431
If he's like, "Ohio sucks,"
first... first and...

1625
01:18:25,464 --> 01:18:29,068
If you think about it, like,
Neil... Neil Armstrong...

1626
01:18:37,910 --> 01:18:40,145
<i>Hey. I got your message.</i>

1627
01:18:40,179 --> 01:18:42,147
<i>So you had a bad weekend.</i>

1628
01:18:42,181 --> 01:18:45,484
<i>You don't give up on something
you love that much so quickly.</i>

1629
01:18:45,517 --> 01:18:47,886
<i>Give me a call.
We can talk about it.</i>

1630
01:18:47,920 --> 01:18:51,523
<i>I'm here for you, Will.
I believe in you. I love you.</i>

1631
01:19:03,535 --> 01:19:06,071
Hey, Will, glad to see you.

1632
01:19:06,105 --> 01:19:08,474
- You are?
- Yeah, you just reminded me

1633
01:19:08,507 --> 01:19:10,476
I'm supposed to take your name
down from the marquee.

1634
01:19:10,509 --> 01:19:13,245
Okay, about that, is Chip here?

1635
01:19:13,278 --> 01:19:14,947
Yeah, he's in the office.

1636
01:19:14,980 --> 01:19:16,683
- Can I talk to him?
- Yeah.

1637
01:19:16,716 --> 01:19:20,152
T Dog for Captain Crunch.

1638
01:19:20,185 --> 01:19:22,287
Yeah, little kamikaze's
here to see you.

1639
01:19:22,321 --> 01:19:25,391
Yeah.

1640
01:19:25,424 --> 01:19:27,192
Hey, Chip.

1641
01:19:27,226 --> 01:19:29,061
I was going to text you.
We need to settle up.

1642
01:19:29,094 --> 01:19:30,362
Before you say anything,

1643
01:19:30,396 --> 01:19:35,134
I'm here begging you
for one last set.

1644
01:19:35,167 --> 01:19:36,969
What happened to your face?

1645
01:19:37,002 --> 01:19:40,038
I had a really,
really rough night.

1646
01:19:40,072 --> 01:19:41,974
I don't give a shit, Will.

1647
01:19:42,007 --> 01:19:44,476
This is all I got, man.
Stand-up is all I got.

1648
01:19:44,510 --> 01:19:47,546
Then you don't got much because
you're not good at stand-up.

1649
01:19:47,579 --> 01:19:49,649
I started off okay, right?

1650
01:19:49,682 --> 01:19:52,618
Let me just finish the weekend
the same way I started.

1651
01:19:52,652 --> 01:19:54,253
And if I'm really no good,

1652
01:19:54,286 --> 01:19:57,289
then you'll never hear
from me again.

1653
01:19:57,322 --> 01:19:59,458
Please. I promise.

1654
01:20:04,329 --> 01:20:06,265
One last spot.

1655
01:20:06,298 --> 01:20:09,334
Yes, thank you. Thank you, Chip.

1656
01:20:12,337 --> 01:20:14,072
Okay.

1657
01:20:16,643 --> 01:20:20,612
Welcome to
the world-famous Improv.

1658
01:20:20,647 --> 01:20:23,248
Sunday night, make some noise.

1659
01:20:27,085 --> 01:20:29,121
Dude, what the fuck?

1660
01:20:29,154 --> 01:20:32,424
This fucking cock wad
I sold a T-shirt to last night

1661
01:20:32,458 --> 01:20:34,560
just came up to me in the lobby
wanting to return it.

1662
01:20:34,593 --> 01:20:37,062
Who the fuck returns a T-shirt?

1663
01:20:37,095 --> 01:20:38,363
I'm sorry to hear that.

1664
01:20:38,397 --> 01:20:40,065
Anyway, buddy, I'm telling you,

1665
01:20:40,098 --> 01:20:42,401
that fucking shiner
looks so dope.

1666
01:20:42,434 --> 01:20:44,704
You are going to be
like a chick magnet tonight.

1667
01:20:44,737 --> 01:20:47,372
Anyway, bro,
grand finale tonight.

1668
01:20:47,406 --> 01:20:49,308
I'm pumped to hear
what's in that book, buddy.

1669
01:20:49,341 --> 01:20:51,176
You're going to kill it.

1670
01:20:51,210 --> 01:20:54,346
- Thanks.
- You got it, bro.

1671
01:20:54,379 --> 01:20:56,482
My "pleazh."

1672
01:20:56,515 --> 01:20:58,417
Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be starting the show

1673
01:20:58,450 --> 01:21:00,118
in just a few moments.

1674
01:21:00,152 --> 01:21:03,222
There's no video or flash
photography during the show.

1675
01:21:08,695 --> 01:21:11,129
Now, before we get started,
I got to let you know

1676
01:21:11,163 --> 01:21:12,632
to keep your talking
to a minimum

1677
01:21:12,665 --> 01:21:15,033
but your laughter to a maximum.

1678
01:21:15,067 --> 01:21:16,736
Who's ready for
a good show tonight?

1679
01:21:18,604 --> 01:21:20,072
I can't hear you.

1680
01:21:20,105 --> 01:21:22,541
Who's ready for
a good show tonight?

1681
01:21:25,277 --> 01:21:29,615
Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

1682
01:21:34,419 --> 01:21:36,789
What's up, Pennsylvania?

1683
01:21:36,823 --> 01:21:39,191
How you guys doing?

1684
01:21:39,224 --> 01:21:40,626
Awesome.

1685
01:21:40,660 --> 01:21:44,363
So, as you guys can tell,
I got this black eye.

1686
01:21:44,396 --> 01:21:46,532
The reason is when I went
outside the other day...

1687
01:21:46,565 --> 01:21:51,270
Ohio sucks.
Ohio sucks. Ohio sucks.

1688
01:21:53,572 --> 01:21:57,376
Okay.

1689
01:21:57,409 --> 01:21:59,578
Ohio sucks, right?

1690
01:21:59,611 --> 01:22:01,113
Ohio sucks.

1691
01:22:01,146 --> 01:22:02,414
Ohio sucks.

1692
01:22:02,447 --> 01:22:03,850
Everybody,
why don't everybody do it?

1693
01:22:03,883 --> 01:22:08,387
Ohio sucks, Ohio sucks,
Ohio sucks.

1694
01:22:08,420 --> 01:22:11,791
Yeah, you know what?
M-Maybe these guys are right.

1695
01:22:11,824 --> 01:22:14,092
Ohio does kind of suck, right?

1696
01:22:14,126 --> 01:22:16,461
Is there anybody from Ohio?

1697
01:22:16,495 --> 01:22:18,096
Good, yeah,
there's a reason why.

1698
01:22:19,732 --> 01:22:22,702
Right, look, look, actually,
actually, if you think about it,

1699
01:22:22,735 --> 01:22:25,270
Ohio is where legends are born.

1700
01:22:25,304 --> 01:22:26,371
Legends, right?

1701
01:22:26,405 --> 01:22:27,372
If you think about it,

1702
01:22:27,406 --> 01:22:29,408
we got the Wright Brothers,

1703
01:22:29,441 --> 01:22:31,811
first in flight... from Ohio.

1704
01:22:31,844 --> 01:22:34,546
John Glenn, first man in space,

1705
01:22:34,580 --> 01:22:37,249
from Ohio, right?

1706
01:22:37,282 --> 01:22:42,421
Neil Armstrong, first man
on the moon... from Ohio.

1707
01:22:42,454 --> 01:22:45,490
So if history
has taught us anything,

1708
01:22:45,524 --> 01:22:49,428
it's taught us that
men will do anything

1709
01:22:49,461 --> 01:22:52,164
to get the fuck up out of Ohio.

1710
01:22:52,197 --> 01:22:55,367
Right? Right?

1711
01:22:57,402 --> 01:22:59,872
So maybe it does suck,
I don't know.

1712
01:22:59,906 --> 01:23:02,541
I don't know. Right?

1713
01:23:05,243 --> 01:23:07,714
So my dad passed away
a few years ago.

1714
01:23:07,747 --> 01:23:09,281
Not to bum anybody out.

1715
01:23:09,314 --> 01:23:11,383
People die all the time,
even Asians.

1716
01:23:11,416 --> 01:23:13,720
It's okay.

1717
01:23:13,753 --> 01:23:15,187
You know, we don't age
but we die.

1718
01:23:15,220 --> 01:23:16,923
It's okay, it's fine.

1719
01:23:16,956 --> 01:23:19,859
So stand-up was like me
and my father's thing.

1720
01:23:19,892 --> 01:23:21,694
We actually grew up
watching Billy G,

1721
01:23:21,728 --> 01:23:24,664
your headliner tonight,
give it up for Billy G, right?

1722
01:23:24,697 --> 01:23:26,198
And I always wondered, like,

1723
01:23:26,231 --> 01:23:27,900
is he, like, watching me
from upstairs?

1724
01:23:27,934 --> 01:23:29,702
That's what people say
all the time, right?

1725
01:23:29,736 --> 01:23:31,738
Is he watching me work?

1726
01:23:31,771 --> 01:23:35,374
Is he watching me when I'm just
drinking coffee in the morning?

1727
01:23:35,407 --> 01:23:38,410
Is he watching me
when I'm masturbating?

1728
01:23:38,443 --> 01:23:41,279
You know? 'Cause he's probably
got a lot of footage of that.

1729
01:23:42,849 --> 01:23:44,717
Hey, what if he's here tonight
watching me from upstairs

1730
01:23:44,751 --> 01:23:46,218
and he's looking at me
and he's like,

1731
01:23:46,251 --> 01:23:49,354
"Man, that is my son
doing stand-up.

1732
01:23:49,388 --> 01:23:52,557
My only son doing
stand-up comedy.

1733
01:23:52,591 --> 01:23:54,559
And I must say,

1734
01:23:54,593 --> 01:23:56,361
I'd rather
watch him masturbate."

1735
01:24:03,301 --> 01:24:04,569
Ohio sucks.

1736
01:24:04,603 --> 01:24:06,471
Ohio sucks.

1737
01:24:06,505 --> 01:24:08,240
Ohio sucks.

1738
01:24:44,944 --> 01:24:46,813
Hey.

1739
01:24:48,981 --> 01:24:52,752
I just want to thank you
for letting me do my last set.

1740
01:24:52,785 --> 01:24:54,987
Here is your check.

1741
01:24:58,057 --> 01:25:02,294
This weekend means more to me
than any amount of money.

1742
01:25:02,327 --> 01:25:03,628
So...

1743
01:25:03,663 --> 01:25:05,898
this is me telling you...

1744
01:25:09,869 --> 01:25:14,306
I need an emcee
in two weeks in Kansas City.

1745
01:25:14,339 --> 01:25:16,876
- You free?
- Absolutely.

1746
01:25:16,909 --> 01:25:18,778
I'm in.

1747
01:25:18,811 --> 01:25:22,849
And I think we confirmed that
you've got my cellphone number.

1748
01:25:22,882 --> 01:25:26,318
Let's just do e-mail.
It's a little more professional.

1749
01:25:26,351 --> 01:25:29,989
Okay, but you know you can
call me anytime you want.

1750
01:25:30,022 --> 01:25:31,590
Thanks, sir.

1751
01:25:31,623 --> 01:25:34,593
Thanks, Chip.

1752
01:25:34,626 --> 01:25:35,995
So it begins.

1753
01:25:36,028 --> 01:25:38,798
Whew. So it begins.

1754
01:25:45,037 --> 01:25:48,007
Deejay: You know your opening
act from the Pennsylvania Improv

1755
01:25:48,040 --> 01:25:50,375
and other clubs and colleges.

1756
01:25:50,408 --> 01:25:54,379
Give it up for Will Chu.

1757
01:25:54,412 --> 01:25:57,349
Kansas City,
how you guys doing?

1758
01:26:04,456 --> 01:26:06,324
You know, I used to be
a full-time physician.

1759
01:26:06,358 --> 01:26:08,627
And I was doing stand-up comedy
on the side.

1760
01:26:08,661 --> 01:26:12,932
And, uh, I was always scared
to make that next step.

1761
01:26:12,965 --> 01:26:15,067
I was a waiter.
It was the greatest job ever.

1762
01:26:15,101 --> 01:26:17,402
I officially never quit.

1763
01:26:17,435 --> 01:26:19,038
I just took a leave of absence.

1764
01:26:19,071 --> 01:26:23,009
I still have my name tag
to this day... true story.

1765
01:26:23,042 --> 01:26:24,744
If this shit don't work out,

1766
01:26:24,777 --> 01:26:27,847
I'm going back to Golden Corral
in Tallahassee.

1767
01:26:27,880 --> 01:26:31,050
My first night doing stand-up,
I actually did really well.

1768
01:26:31,083 --> 01:26:32,685
Like, by accident.

1769
01:26:32,718 --> 01:26:35,353
And then I bombed
for like two years after that

1770
01:26:35,387 --> 01:26:38,825
before I was, you know,
able to get laughs again.

1771
01:26:38,858 --> 01:26:42,394
I was terrible. Horrible.
Just horrendous.

1772
01:26:42,427 --> 01:26:43,763
You got five minutes,

1773
01:26:43,796 --> 01:26:46,933
and I think I did four
at the most maybe.

1774
01:26:46,966 --> 01:26:48,835
And the second time,
I did three.

1775
01:26:48,868 --> 01:26:52,071
You would have thought
I would have gotten longer,

1776
01:26:52,104 --> 01:26:53,505
but I actually got shorter.

1777
01:26:53,538 --> 01:26:55,942
I did some editing.

1778
01:26:55,975 --> 01:26:57,542
So yeah, I guess
it was kind of hard.

1779
01:26:57,576 --> 01:27:01,413
But it was fun
because I loved it.

1780
01:27:01,446 --> 01:27:05,483
And I guess if
I looked at it logically,

1781
01:27:05,517 --> 01:27:07,153
I probably wouldn't
have done it.

1782
01:27:11,876 --> 01:27:16,876
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