1
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,792
[exhales]
2
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:28,161
For the last time, dude,
get the fuck out of here
3
00:00:28,260 --> 00:00:30,564
with the "Gandalf could just
fly over Middle-earth
4
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:35,201
and drop the ring
into the fires of Mount Doom
from atop an eagle" bullshit!
5
00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:38,505
I've clearly laid it out
on a LOTR subreddit.
6
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,207
What do you want to watch?
7
00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:42,776
We could watch Harley Quinn.
8
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,076
[spluttering]
9
00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:45,612
-No!
-Have you seen the show?
10
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,381
Oh, God, no!
11
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,616
It's just another heavy-handed
female empowerment story,
12
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:54,353
where the true villain
is the quote-unquote
"patriarchy."
13
00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:55,454
So basic.
14
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:56,613
Yeah, I guess.
15
00:00:56,613 --> 00:01:00,093
I heard Harley takes down Joker
at the end of season one!
16
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:04,463
I'm sorry, but "cucked" isn't
a great color on the greatest
villain of all time.
17
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,533
That's what this review says.
18
00:01:06,632 --> 00:01:08,569
-[slurping]
-Hey, you wrote this one.
19
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,337
I can't believe you want
to watch this show.
20
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:14,408
You know, they just did
a three-episode arc,
where Harley beats Penguin,
21
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,444
Riddler and Mr. Freeze,
using nothing
but her Mary Sue powers!
22
00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:19,546
Are you sure you haven't
seen the show?
23
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,481
Yeah! 'Cause I'm not
a 12-year old girl.
24
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,150
Also, dude,
25
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,219
why would I watch a show
that's set in Gotham City,
26
00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:28,621
but Batman's barely in it?
27
00:01:28,721 --> 00:01:30,456
You watched
all five seasons of Gotham.
28
00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:34,361
Because it wasn't
a fucking tsunami
of virtue signaling.
29
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:35,768
Here, smart guy.
30
00:01:35,768 --> 00:01:39,198
Let's see what
this week's episode
of Harley Quinn is about.
31
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:42,135
"Harley Quinn
and her best friend,
Poison Ivy..."
32
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,135
See?
33
00:01:43,135 --> 00:01:47,340
"...aren't in this episode,
which focuses on Batman
waking from his coma
34
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:49,742
and vowing to take back
Gotham City."
35
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:53,914
Fuck! Fine! But if it sucks,
we're watching Family Guy.
36
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:57,164
[theme music playing]
37
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,293
[grunting]
38
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:08,929
Okay. [groans]
39
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,230
[back cracks]
40
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:13,831
[grunting]
41
00:02:20,706 --> 00:02:23,257
[sighs in relief]
42
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,447
[dramatic music plays]
43
00:02:27,546 --> 00:02:28,882
Alfred!
44
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,608
-[rod clangs]
-[thuds]
45
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,187
-[Bruce groans]
-It's not as bad
as it looks.
46
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:36,590
Why don't you
come back to bed?
47
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,625
I've made you
a cup of honey tea
48
00:02:38,724 --> 00:02:40,165
and pigs in blankets.
49
00:02:40,165 --> 00:02:43,330
I don't want pigs in a blanket.
I want to fight crime.
50
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:45,610
I will take that honey tea.
51
00:02:45,610 --> 00:02:48,769
Let's get you
back to bed, Master Bruce.
You need your rest.
52
00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:51,236
I've rested enough.
Gotham needs Batman.
53
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:54,441
And it will get him,
once he's made
a full physical recovery.
54
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,842
In the time
you were in a coma,
55
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,711
312 new television shows
came out.
56
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,747
What say we be binge buddies?
57
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,250
-Get me Jim Gordon.
-We needn't bother Mr. Gordon.
58
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:07,454
He's making sure law and order
are returned to the city.
59
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,222
We are so fucked!
60
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:10,991
It's a shit show out there!
61
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,925
I saw a dog kill a man
on the street,
62
00:03:12,925 --> 00:03:16,329
and then I saw the dog do
other things to that man.
63
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,564
What, have you
been in a coma
these last few months?
64
00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:20,500
No. I've been doing stuff.
65
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,871
Ah! [chuckles] You playboys,
always doing stuff.
66
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,034
Must be nice.
67
00:03:25,034 --> 00:03:27,574
Now, I brought
a list of things
I need you to pay for,
68
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,376
so I can take back the city.
69
00:03:29,475 --> 00:03:32,979
One, police officers.
Two, a codpiece that I can wear
70
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,247
that opens up and shoots
a tiny missile.
71
00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:36,515
That doesn't exist.
72
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,651
Not yet.
73
00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:40,486
That's where you
and your fat wallet come in.
74
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:43,556
Mr. Wayne is not going
to bankroll your imaginary--
75
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,324
Tone it down there, limey.
76
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,995
Now, look, I'm the only one
who can save the city.
77
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,597
At least, since the Bat
abandoned us.
78
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,498
Are there no heroes left
in Gotham?
79
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:56,741
[groans]
Just a couple of amateurs
popping off. Take a look.
80
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:04,711
[Gordon] This Yankee doodle
dandy in a powdered wig
calls himself "The Macaroni."
81
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,301
-[man grunts]
-As in...
82
00:04:06,301 --> 00:04:07,914
♪ Stuck a feather
in his hat... ♪
83
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,449
And you know the rest.
84
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:11,350
[Bruce] That wig's a walking
"kick me" sign.
85
00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:13,954
If you think that's bad,
check out the broad
in the bat suit.
86
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,857
[Gordon] They're calling
her Batgirl.
87
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:19,492
That's futile.
These lightweights
aren't prepared
88
00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:22,728
to go mano y mano
with Two-Face or Bane.
89
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:26,365
Without Batman, people don't
have the balls to fight back.
90
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,504
I got word
Quinn took down Freeze.
91
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,607
That clown is a pain
in my ass.
92
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,408
-Hey, that's not your chair.
-[grunts]
93
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,744
We're keeping it open
for honorary purposes.
94
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,346
-That's your chair.
-[groans]
95
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,512
Have some respect.
96
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,048
[Bane] Oh, okay.
97
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,918
Does this rule apply
to parking spots?
98
00:04:45,019 --> 00:04:47,788
If so, I'll need to
move my Volvo.
99
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:49,889
Look, I've been doing
some thinking.
100
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,492
[chuckles]
101
00:04:52,591 --> 00:04:54,661
Oh, sorry, I thought
that was a punchline.
102
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:57,596
Quinn's on a dare.
And we're next.
103
00:04:57,697 --> 00:05:00,399
Maybe we should
consolidate power
104
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:04,071
and join forces
to protect ourselves
from external threats.
105
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,072
What, you and me? Collab?
106
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:09,509
Ha! You got your hands full
with Banetown.
107
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:12,678
Hey, it's the locals.
We say "Bane-ton."
108
00:05:12,778 --> 00:05:16,382
The way you remember it,
it rhymes with Plankton.
109
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,384
That's a soft rhyme at best.
110
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,300
Look, I'm not worried
about Quinn.
111
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:23,156
Besides, why would I
want to team up
with the likes of you?
112
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,992
You don't even have
a big boy chair.
113
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,427
I... [grunting]
114
00:05:27,526 --> 00:05:29,795
-[grunts]
-Ah, don't get your little
singlet in a bunch,
115
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:30,930
I'm just having a goof.
116
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,033
So, are we teaming up?
117
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:35,966
-No.
-[sad groan]
118
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,108
[music plays]
119
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,809
-[Batgirl] Up here, dummy.
-[camera shutter clicks]
120
00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:46,413
[grunting]
121
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:53,386
[panting] Hey, guys,
today's safety tip.
122
00:05:53,485 --> 00:05:55,689
Instead of going to a party
this Friday night,
123
00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:59,093
sign up for
a self-defense class.
Right, buddy?
124
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,761
This is Batgirl, signing off.
125
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,762
[grunts]
126
00:06:02,728 --> 00:06:04,598
Research, Master Wayne?
127
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,867
This sorority girl
can't run around
wearing the bat symbol!
128
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,767
It's gonna make people
think I'm back!
129
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:12,939
So your quibble is with
the unsanctioned use
of your logo, sir?
130
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,908
A, it's not a logo.
It's a symbol,
131
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:17,009
meant to strike fear into
the hearts of criminals.
132
00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:19,846
And B, if that little girl's
killed while wearing it,
133
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,747
the city of Gotham
will lose all hope.
134
00:06:21,747 --> 00:06:24,184
Well, there's nothing you can
do about it now, Master Wayne.
135
00:06:24,185 --> 00:06:26,086
You can barely make
a solid bowel movement.
136
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,021
Well, maybe Bruce Wayne can't.
137
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:30,922
But I know someone who can.
138
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:37,764
[Batgirl grunts]
139
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,434
-[thuds]
-[gasps]
140
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,603
-Who's there?
-Always check your six.
141
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,673
[squealing excitedly]
Oh, my God! Batman?
142
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:49,076
I am such a stan!
143
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,478
-Hmm.
-I'm wearing your logo.
144
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,047
It's a symbol.
145
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:54,714
And one you shouldn't
be wearing.
146
00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:56,817
Oh, frick! Is it copyrighted?
147
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,653
I swear to God I'm not making
any money off of it.
148
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,521
It took me years of training
to establish trust with
the people of Gotham.
149
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,658
You're out of your depth.
It's not safe.
150
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:07,627
I appreciate your notes,
but I can handle myself.
151
00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:11,197
-You were saying?
-[gasps]
152
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,333
Oh, my God, you guys,
153
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:14,901
I have awesome breaking news.
154
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:19,206
Batman...
Yes, The Batman
is back in Gotham.
155
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,940
Do you still have
a million followers?
156
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,242
Actually 1.3 million.
157
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,177
Yeah, but most of them
are bots, right?
158
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:26,677
-Batman is back!
-Hmm.
159
00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:35,088
Ladies and gents,
going to need you
to stay calm
160
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:38,557
while my associates and I
relieve this establishment
161
00:07:38,557 --> 00:07:40,927
of a little coin.
You know I like coins.
162
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,062
[chuckles] Fill her up,
sweetheart.
163
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,632
No! We're not afraid
of you anymore.
164
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:49,702
What? Of course you are.
Look at the guns
and half my face.
165
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:50,870
[grunts]
166
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,740
Ow! Ow, fuck!
167
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:58,677
We're not afraid,
'cause Batman's back.
168
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,646
Just leave us alone.
169
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:01,949
Yeah.
170
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,050
Wait, Batman's really back?
171
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,653
-[people cheering]
-That's right.
Rebellion is in the air!
172
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,622
Batman's back, baby!
173
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,559
And with him,
hope for the people
of Gotham!
174
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:15,928
I'm gonna live forever!
Batman's back!
175
00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:16,930
[woman grunts]
176
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,168
You can wipe that smug look
off your face.
177
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,802
That's not smug.
178
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,937
-This is smug.
-Devastating.
179
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,173
I never said I was back.
Batgirl did.
180
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,209
Yet, you didn't deny it.
181
00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:32,245
And now all of Gotham is
as full of false hope as
an undercooked meat pie!
182
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,782
Enlighten me.
Why can't Batman be back?
183
00:08:35,881 --> 00:08:37,583
Still unable
to reach your feet?
184
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,254
I've been rocking slip-ons.
My feet run hot.
185
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,990
But if you think I'm too weak
to get back out there
and I'll fail, just say it.
186
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,192
You're too weak
and will fail.
187
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,927
I am strong and will succeed!
188
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,662
Fine. Prove it.
Put these on.
189
00:08:52,166 --> 00:08:54,600
[groaning] Come on.
190
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:56,702
Come on!
191
00:08:56,802 --> 00:08:57,937
[grunting]
192
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,041
Oh, that's right, you can't.
193
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,643
Seems to me,
the city's protector
should be able to
194
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:06,212
put his sockie-poos
on his feetsies.
195
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,850
But what do I know?
I just took you in after
your parents were murdered,
196
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,052
loved you like I would
my own son.
197
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,754
Cared for you unconditionally.
198
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,857
Changed your diapers
when you were in a coma.
199
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,808
You don't know
what it's like
to be a warrior.
200
00:09:19,808 --> 00:09:21,760
I'll have you know,
I was in Her Majesty's
Royal Navy.
201
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:23,197
What did you guys fight over?
202
00:09:23,197 --> 00:09:24,998
[in British accent]
Who get the last scone?
203
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:26,265
On occasion, we did.
204
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:28,201
Your ego is writing checks
205
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:31,804
your broken body
cannot cash, sir.
206
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,808
"Your ego's writing checks..."
[blabbering]
207
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,010
Connect me to Lucius Fox.
208
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:46,048
Oh! There you are, buddy.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
209
00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:52,725
[sighs]
210
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,094
-[chair squeaking]
-Huh?
211
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:56,129
How does she ride?
Ain't she a beaut?
212
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,899
Look, it's adjustable.
It can be any height
you want it to be.
213
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,033
It's like magic.
214
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:02,068
Yeah. I love it.
215
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,370
The lower lumbar support
is helpful.
216
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:05,567
[grunts]
217
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:09,708
Not a lot of chairs
designed for guys
with overdeveloped traps.
218
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,812
You look parched.
Let me get you a drink.
219
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:14,414
If I remember correctly,
you're a sparkling guy, right?
220
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,782
Aw!
221
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,250
[slurping]
222
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,885
Is that coconut?
[slurping]
223
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:23,765
Delicious!
224
00:10:23,765 --> 00:10:26,225
Hey, I admit I was
being tough on you yesterday.
225
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,195
But that was just some
good-natured ribbing.
226
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,962
Brotherly love, et cetera.
227
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,298
It felt very personal.
228
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,832
And frankly, mean-spirited.
229
00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:34,500
Well, I've thought about
what you said
230
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,802
in regards to us
joining forces,
231
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:40,706
and how we're more likely
to survive if we stick
together, and I'm in.
232
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:44,244
Let's do it, you and me,
an equal partnership.
Fifty-fifty.
233
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:49,149
Hmm. Does this have anything
to do with Batman coming back?
234
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,217
-Can I be honest with you?
-Of course.
235
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,385
It does not.
236
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,388
So what do you say,
partner?
237
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,024
As long as it's 50-50.
238
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,859
All right,
now let's talk branding.
239
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:01,360
We need to communicate
that we're working together,
240
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,895
and not to be fucked with.
241
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,730
I got something I wanna
show you. Hey, boys!
242
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:11,270
But... That's not a...
That's just a picture of you.
243
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,207
I'm not even on the poster...
[stammers]
244
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,975
Where's the 50 and 50?
245
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,510
What are you talking about?
That's you, right there.
246
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,145
No, that is a shadow.
247
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:21,748
I was born there,
but that's not me.
248
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,884
And look,
it's only got your name on it!
249
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,784
What are you talking about!
250
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:28,922
That's you, that's me.
We each got a face.
Two-Faces.
251
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,325
I think it's too much
of a thinker.
252
00:11:31,325 --> 00:11:33,360
Nah, everyone knows
that it's the both of us.
253
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,495
Equal partners, right?
254
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:40,299
[stammers] I would be
open to a bus poster,
like the twins poster,
255
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,168
where it's you,
but it says Bane.
256
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,303
And then it's me,
but it says Two-Face.
257
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,273
But I've gotta be
on there.
258
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,142
Otherwise, you know,
this is...
259
00:11:49,243 --> 00:11:50,777
I'm a name.
260
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,812
Loaded with firepower
and razor-sharp weaponry,
261
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:58,418
the titanium-dipped
body armor comes fitted with
a strength-compensation dial.
262
00:11:58,519 --> 00:12:03,519
I've also added a customized
AI to provide tech support
and system analysis.
263
00:12:03,624 --> 00:12:05,426
Her name is Monica.
264
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:07,826
[sighs]
265
00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:09,495
You deserve better, Monica.
266
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,167
[laughing]
267
00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:15,535
Oh, hello, Alfred.
268
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,504
Going behind my back
to have Lucius build you
269
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,139
a bat suit to compensate
for your feeble state?
270
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,009
No, I'm just hanging
with my buddy,
271
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,446
like friends do. Jealous?
272
00:12:25,546 --> 00:12:27,947
Oh, look! A suit of lies.
273
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:32,918
You cannot fight crime
in your current
physical condition.
274
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,956
Yeah. That's what
the suit is for.
Tell him, Lucius.
275
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,259
I need to get going.
276
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,193
I have Pilates tonight.
277
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,129
-Alfred.
-Lucius.
278
00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:48,835
You're not getting that suit
and you're not to fight crime.
279
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,437
I forbid it.
280
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,474
Fine. If that's
the way you feel.
281
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:55,241
Forgive me
if I don't trust you.
282
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,110
This is coming with me.
283
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,979
-[whimpering and grunting]
-[creaking]
284
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,416
The dolly's got a bum wheel.
285
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:06,734
[Alfred grunting]
286
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:10,990
Elevator's broken.
287
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,359
[Alfred continues grunting]
288
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,927
[Alfred] No trouble at all.
289
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,828
-[slurping]
-[clanking and thudding]
290
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,464
[snoring]
291
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:22,967
[softly] Monica.
292
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:26,239
[swooshing]
293
00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:29,009
[shushing] Quiet.
294
00:13:31,412 --> 00:13:33,062
[swooshing]
295
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:50,645
[snoring]
296
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,274
[Monica] You're looking great
this evening, Batman.
297
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:02,908
-[beeping]
-Let's do this!
298
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,477
[grunts]
299
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,147
[grunts]
300
00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:08,749
[Monica] Stun mode activated.
301
00:14:10,484 --> 00:14:12,184
-[pipe clangs]
-[Batman] "Not ready," my ass.
302
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,184
[Monica] Indeed, sir.
303
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,803
[beeping]
304
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,196
[man grunts]
305
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:27,033
[yelling]
306
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,567
-Who are you working for?
-[whimpers]
307
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,671
[Batman] Two-Face.
308
00:14:30,671 --> 00:14:33,307
[Monica] Threat identified.
Proceed with caution.
309
00:14:33,407 --> 00:14:34,441
-[beeping]
-Bane.
310
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:39,211
We thought you
were dead, Batman.
311
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,047
Bad news. I'm not.
312
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,256
[Bane grunts]
313
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,589
My beef isn't with you, Bane.
I'm here for Two-Face.
314
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,222
He's clearly running
this operation.
315
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,326
What? No!
316
00:14:52,426 --> 00:14:53,927
[grunting]
317
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:57,777
-[crack]
-[Batman grunts]
318
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,035
[Bane] I am also
equally in charge.
319
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:04,605
Not by the look of things.
320
00:15:04,705 --> 00:15:06,173
[Bane grunts]
321
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,708
No! It's Two Faces!
322
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,644
Plural. My face and his face.
323
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:14,615
I am one of the two faces.
We are partners!
324
00:15:14,715 --> 00:15:16,416
He already has two faces.
325
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,552
If he were your partner,
that would be three faces.
326
00:15:18,552 --> 00:15:19,952
[Bane grunting angrily]
327
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:22,389
I knew it was too much
of a thinker!
328
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:26,960
[Bane grunting]
329
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,230
[Monica] Code red.
Threat level, 100%.
330
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,431
[both grunt]
331
00:15:32,466 --> 00:15:34,201
[Batman grunts]
332
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,469
[Monica] Caution. Caution.
333
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,568
[distorting] Cau...
334
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,006
[groans]
335
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,043
I am the shadow
that haunts your darkness!
336
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,245
[Batman sighs]
337
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,346
[Batman] Last chance.
338
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,280
Where's Two-Face?
339
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,381
[grunts]
340
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:51,717
[Bane] Ahhh!
341
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,687
[Bane yelling]
342
00:16:01,662 --> 00:16:02,763
[Bane grunts]
343
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,399
[yells]
344
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:07,432
[beeping rapidly]
345
00:16:08,769 --> 00:16:10,403
[yelling]
346
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:14,606
[Monica] Code red.
347
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,775
[Bane grunts]
348
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,080
[yelling]
349
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:26,086
-[Bane yelling]
-[groaning]
350
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:29,089
[Monica distorting]
C-Code red.
Proceed with caution.
351
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,359
[grunts]
352
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,494
[Monica] Code red.
Code red. Code red.
353
00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:36,263
[both grunt]
354
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,365
[Bane yells]
355
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:43,437
-[Batman groans]
-[Bane] I will
break the Bat!
356
00:16:43,537 --> 00:16:45,138
-[Bane yells]
-[grunts]
357
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,207
[crackling]
358
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:53,078
Bane, you gullible fool!
359
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,216
[panting and groaning]
Monica, call Lucius Fox.
360
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,350
[system shutting down]
361
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:59,119
Well, what do we have here?
362
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,053
Boss is gonna love this.
363
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:05,826
[laughs] Looks like ya got
your bell rung
real good, Batty.
364
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,464
-We cooked up
something special for ya!
-[crackling]
365
00:17:11,565 --> 00:17:14,468
Why didn't you wake up
and stop me, Alfred?
366
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,069
To repay you
for years of torment,
367
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:20,406
we're gonna make
a little video for
all of Gotham to see.
368
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,309
[chuckles] Yeah!
Then we're gonna post it!
369
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,578
-[chuckles]
-That's implied, Rick.
370
00:17:25,679 --> 00:17:29,415
Everyone's gonna know
it was Two-face's crew
that killed Batman!
371
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,218
[scraping]
372
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:32,486
You two, go check it out.
373
00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:34,555
[grunts]
374
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:36,789
[grunts] What the...
375
00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:39,458
It's "The Macaroni."
376
00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:44,564
[grunts]
377
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:46,964
[grunting]
378
00:17:53,941 --> 00:17:55,342
[access platform whirring]
379
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,346
[grunting]
380
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:01,181
-[Batman] Who are you?
-My liege.
381
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,482
-Alfred.
-Just doing my part, sir.
382
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,685
That wig is pretty impractical.
383
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,321
[grunts]
384
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:10,590
Let's get you on your feet.
385
00:18:10,691 --> 00:18:12,558
Just say it.
Say, "I told you so."
386
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:15,194
A gentleman
does not trade in such
pedestrian platitudes.
387
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,329
[grunts]
388
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,866
But he does know
when to ask for help.
389
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:21,468
A little assistance, my lady.
390
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:22,567
[Batgirl] Be right there!
391
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:23,636
[both grunt]
392
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,507
Oh, yikes.
393
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,809
Your legs
are hella jacked up.
394
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:33,512
One of them's, like, going
that way and the other one's
all floppy and stuff.
395
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:34,681
It's gross.
396
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,682
[Batman] Can you just
help me up?
397
00:18:36,784 --> 00:18:40,534
[old-timey music playing]
398
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,656
-[Bane yelling]
-[explosion]
399
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:44,892
Jesus, what now!
400
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,425
[yelling]
401
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:52,633
I was born in hell,
and I demand respect!
402
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,201
I crushed Batman.
403
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,837
Perhaps I should do
the same to you?
404
00:18:57,938 --> 00:19:00,539
Tranquilo, baby, tranquilo!
405
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:03,743
I want to hear you out,
but I cannot talk to you
when you're like this.
406
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,913
I beg you, please, calm down.
407
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,414
Do one of those
breathing exercises you're
always telling me about.
408
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,664
Oh, sorry. [groaning]
409
00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:18,391
Better. Now, talk to me.
410
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,894
You said this was
an equal partnership,
411
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:22,829
but even Batman thinks
you're running Gotham.
412
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,932
Ah, don't listen to bat face.
He's just messing
with your head.
413
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,500
[breathing heavily]
414
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,803
[grunting]
415
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:32,940
-Focus.
-Now, when you say,
"Crushed him,"
416
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,540
does that mean he's dead?
417
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,442
His legs were parting
in different directions!
418
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,217
-It was gross.
-In the future,
419
00:19:38,217 --> 00:19:41,848
I think we should just kill
Batman when we get the chance,
but you did a good job, buddy.
420
00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:44,817
See, I contribute
to this business.
421
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,354
We need a new name
that represents both of us.
422
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,989
The Bane of Your Existence?
423
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,691
Bane Capital?
424
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,592
Not that,
but something like that.
425
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,094
We... we can pitch on it.
426
00:19:54,094 --> 00:19:55,996
It's not the name.
The name's workin'.
427
00:19:55,996 --> 00:19:59,767
What I think is you need
to have room to do
your best work.
428
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,703
Space to spread out
and explore all the nooks
and crannies
429
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,372
in that big ol'
noggin of yours.
430
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:07,740
To find what sparks my joy?
431
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,342
Exactly.
432
00:20:09,343 --> 00:20:11,778
And I know just the place
for you to do that.
433
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,381
[Bane groans]
434
00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,784
Eh.
435
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:19,486
[voice breaking]
That's beautiful.
436
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,622
See? Isn't that nice?
437
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:26,721
Who takes care of you?
Right, buddy?
438
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:33,634
[gasps] Sweet mother
of Canadian Club!
439
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,402
-Are you sitting?
-Sometimes I sit.
440
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:36,804
-Never seen it.
-You don't know
everything I do.
441
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:40,507
[sighing] You don't write,
you don't call.
442
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,308
I thought you'd abandoned us.
443
00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:43,810
I would never
give upon Gotham.
444
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:47,047
Well, uh, I can get you
up to speed real quick.
445
00:20:47,048 --> 00:20:50,651
The city's in the shitter.
We have a lot of work
to do, partner.
446
00:20:50,651 --> 00:20:53,286
Should probably start
by taking back the GCPD.
447
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,688
There was a coup, of sorts.
448
00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:57,289
-No.
-Okay, we'll start smaller.
449
00:20:57,289 --> 00:20:58,925
Gotta walk before we can run.
450
00:20:59,026 --> 00:21:00,326
Uh, how about the docks?
451
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,762
No, I mean, I can't work.
452
00:21:02,863 --> 00:21:05,031
[chuckles] I'm trying
to do the math here.
453
00:21:05,132 --> 00:21:07,800
Uh, you're back,
crime's at an all-time high.
454
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:09,002
What's the problem?
455
00:21:09,002 --> 00:21:10,871
I'm not physically able.
Currently.
456
00:21:10,971 --> 00:21:12,873
-Is that why you're sitting?
-Maybe.
457
00:21:12,873 --> 00:21:15,009
I need a little time
to get back to
my fighting weight.
458
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,742
Your fighting weight? Okay.
459
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,746
And how long are we talking?
A week, a month, uh...
460
00:21:19,747 --> 00:21:20,814
Gotham needs a bat!
461
00:21:20,913 --> 00:21:22,449
I agree.
462
00:21:22,548 --> 00:21:24,984
-[crying] And I need a partner.
-Also agree.
463
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:27,520
And I know
the perfect person for the job.
464
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,422
Jim, meet Batgirl.
465
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:32,625
It's a real honor to meet you,
Da... Commissioner.
466
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:33,961
What's she doing here?
467
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,761
Like you said,
the city needs the bat.
468
00:21:35,863 --> 00:21:37,698
The bat inspires fear
in criminals,
469
00:21:37,698 --> 00:21:39,598
and hope
in the people of Gotham.
470
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:42,102
And with your help,
Batgirl can keep
that hope alive.
471
00:21:42,202 --> 00:21:44,503
[chuckling] You want us
to work together?
472
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:45,712
It's temporary.
473
00:21:45,712 --> 00:21:48,913
The people of Gotham
need to believe that Batman
is still out there.
474
00:21:49,977 --> 00:21:50,977
Uh...
475
00:21:52,412 --> 00:21:54,780
[resigned sigh]
476
00:21:54,882 --> 00:21:57,384
We will literally have
the best time.
477
00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:59,096
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
478
00:21:59,096 --> 00:22:04,096
-Hey, guys, Batgirl here,
and I've got some big news!
-[sighs]
479
00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:08,996
-I liked it.
-[slurping]
480
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:12,665
Batgirl should have
smiled more.
481
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:14,433
You wanna watch
another one?
482
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:15,935
Fine. Whatever.
483
00:22:16,036 --> 00:22:17,470
It doesn't come out
for a week?
484
00:22:17,570 --> 00:22:20,707
This distribution model
is ridiculous!
485
00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:22,875
[sighs] Let's just
torrent some hentai.
486
00:22:22,875 --> 00:22:24,845
[theme music playing]