1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,200 One of the great things about Cork City is we've got our own prison, 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:07,920 so you don't have to walk far when you get let out. 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,040 Try and stay out longer than a week this time, MacSweeney. 4 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,840 Right, yeah. Fuck off. 5 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,360 Conor! 6 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,600 Agh! 7 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,520 I am your welcome home committee! 8 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,280 Welcome home! 9 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:20,640 Would you like a biscuit? 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,240 Now that I've got let out of prison for, well, the second time, 11 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,240 I've decided to really get my shit together. 12 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,480 Oh, Sinead O'Connor, you...you are... 13 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,840 You are my... Sinead O'Connor... 14 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,160 That means things like never being late for work. 15 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:42,920 Ah, shit! 16 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,240 Shit! 17 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:47,800 Shit! 18 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,320 Agh! 19 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,240 Why didn't you wake me? 20 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,480 I did wake you. 21 00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,360 You said, "Fuck off, I'll follow you later." 22 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,120 I thought that was yesterday. 23 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,240 I'm running out of patience with that dipshit son of yours. 24 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,320 Anyone for smoked mackerel? 25 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,800 Conor! 26 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,880 Got to find a new job. I know, Pap, but, look, he's just out of prison. 27 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,040 He's got no education. No-one's going to want to hire him. 28 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,840 You can add me to that list. 29 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,520 Gavin fucking Madigan. 30 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,760 Linda, look who it is - 31 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,400 your ex, Con. 32 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,560 Ex-con - get it? 33 00:01:58,560 --> 00:01:59,760 Hi, Conor. 34 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,560 Hi, Linda. Hi. 35 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,800 Hi. Hi... Hi, Linda! 36 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,360 Oh, sorry. Didn't... I didn't recognise you there. 37 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,080 I see you're back doing the same old ding-dong 38 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,560 as you were before you went into prison. 39 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,160 No, I'm not doing the same old ding-dong. 40 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:15,640 This is just a stop-gap ding-dong 41 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,400 until I move on with my career ding-dong, 42 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,680 you fucking ding-dong! What career's that? 43 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:20,880 Criminal ding-dong? 44 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,680 No, I'm going to be, er... 45 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,520 ..a businessman. 46 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,200 A businessman? Yeah. You have to go to college for that. 47 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,720 You don't even have your Leaving Cert. 48 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,280 Well, er, I... 49 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,280 I'm doing my Leaving Cert at the moment. 50 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,360 That's great, Con. Yeah, thanks. 51 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,600 Well done. 52 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,280 No offence, but if there's one person in the whole of Cork 53 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,520 that would never pass their Leaving Cert - 54 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,160 well, that's you. Gavin! 55 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,400 What? 56 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,520 Look, I'm sure Conor has his... charm. 57 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,640 You wouldn't have ended up with him when you were children 58 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,240 if he didn't have something, but we all know he's not the smartest. 59 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,040 That's total bullshit, boy. I... 60 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,600 I might not be the smartest, but I'm not the thickest either. 61 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,080 I bet you 50 euro I pass it. 62 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,400 Why not make it 100? Why stop at 100? 63 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,040 Double it. Make it 200. Why not? 64 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,960 Why not make it 500? 65 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,120 Five... What are you doing? 66 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,240 We're supposed to be saving for the wedding. 67 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,640 This is easy money. It's not a real bet, 68 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,120 cos Conor doesn't actually have 500 euro. 69 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:18,640 He doesn't, but I do. 70 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:20,040 I'll cover the bet. 71 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,720 1,000 euro! 72 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,560 What?! No, we're not making it 1,000! 73 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:27,840 All right. What? 1,000. 74 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,320 Two! Make it two. Not another fuckin' word, all right? 75 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:31,960 Sorry, I thought... 1,000 euro. 76 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,920 Loser pays up on the day of the results. 77 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,600 Grand. Now fuck off. 78 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,960 What you want? I was going to get something, 79 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,320 but clearly the two of them can't be left in a room together. 80 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,400 You using the discount for exes? 81 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,040 Idiots. 82 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,600 1,000 euro! 83 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,440 No, that's the honeymoon gone now! 84 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:50,960 1,000 fucking euro! Yeah... 85 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,280 What the hell, like? I... 86 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,200 I don't know if I can pass this. Conor, look... 87 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,400 The upcoming Leaving Certificate exam dates 88 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,520 have been released, 89 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,800 causing widespread panic among this year's students 90 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,600 as they prepare for the most important exam of their lives. 91 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,120 We are bred to think about the Leaving Cert from day one, really. 92 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,600 All your teachers are telling you, "You have to do great in this." 93 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,560 Horrible time in my life, to be honest with you. 94 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,480 To this day, I have nightmares. 95 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,600 Terrified. Stress. 96 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,960 Are you looking forward to doing your Leaving Cert? No. 97 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:19,000 They can't sleep, they can't eat, 98 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,480 and they can't look at the telly. 99 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,640 Oh. Mairead? 100 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,280 Hey, how are you? 101 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:32,080 Um... Never better. 102 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,680 Well, it's, like, one o'clock in the day, 103 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,200 and you're still in your dressing gown. 104 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,360 Laundry day. I like to wash everything at the one go. 105 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,200 Look, Conor has decided to do his Leaving Cert, OK? 106 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,480 He needs a tutor. I'm happy to pay. 107 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,720 Hah! 108 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,840 No, not a chance. 109 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,280 The only thing I ever saw him pay attention to in school 110 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,640 was the fire alarm - 111 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,520 and more often than not, he was the one that set it off. 112 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,040 It's occupied. What are you doing? 113 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,080 It's not a bathroom. It's a laundry room! 114 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,440 Look, I'll make you a deal. 115 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:04,000 There is nothing you could offer me. 116 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,480 Maybe I could help you get back with Orla. 117 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,680 Look, I've had to do a lot of begging and pleading to get this, 118 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,920 so don't fuck things up at all, OK? All right. 119 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,960 Me and Barry don't have the best track record 120 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,160 when it comes to him being my teacher. 121 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,880 He can get pissed off over the tiniest of things. 122 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,720 Fuck-arse bastard! 123 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,160 Wahey! 124 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,400 Expelled! 125 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,720 You're so, so, so expelled! 126 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,080 How's it going, Barry? 127 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,000 Principal Walsh, if you don't mind. 128 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,600 OK, Mr Principal Walsh. 129 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,600 Mam says you see a lot of potential in me. 130 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,040 A potential disaster, 131 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,480 which I'm going to try and help your mam avoid. 132 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,800 You've given her enough heartache. 133 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,120 All right. OK. 134 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,720 I've taught the Leaving Cert for 23 years 135 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,760 in the most academically challenged school in the entire country - 136 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,040 and in that time, there were kids I'd written off as total deadbeats 137 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,360 without a chance on this earth of passing the Leaving Cert, 138 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,880 and they still managed to scrape a pass. 139 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,800 So maybe there is hope for you. 140 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,400 Most people have two years to prepare for a Leaving Cert. 141 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,560 You've only got five months, so we need to get to work. 142 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,640 You'll be doing Art, Maths, English, Irish and Business Studies. 143 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,600 You'll have one practical assessment, five written exams, 144 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,280 and you'll have one oral exam that we'll need to prepare you for. 145 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,120 I'll probably fly through that one 146 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,000 cos Linda always said I was good at oral. 147 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,560 Sorry, Barry. 148 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,840 Did you ever...do the oral exam 149 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,880 with a...with a student? 150 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,680 I'm so sorry. Sorry, Barry. 151 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,080 For the oral you said you need... 152 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,560 ..was it 69%? 153 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,760 I'm sorry, Barry. Sorry, Barry. 154 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,080 So, just to be clear, um... 155 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:50,640 ..that's you. 156 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,400 I won't piss on you again like last time, you know. 157 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,400 No. Yeah. How are you, Dad? 158 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,280 Good to see you, son. 159 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,320 I know you two have a little wager going on. 160 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,880 Gavin was very sportsmanlike. He didn't object to you using 161 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,040 the school facilities at the last teacher meeting. 162 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,200 I think we all know that the odds are heavily tipped in my favour. 163 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,840 MacSweeney. 164 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,040 Gavin. 165 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,040 We address teachers in this school as "Sir" and "Miss" 166 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,320 so if you could try that again. 167 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,040 Sorry, Miss. 168 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,360 Address me as "Sir" or you'll never step foot again in this school. 169 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,680 Sorry, Sir. 170 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,160 That's more like it. 171 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,000 No earrings allowed. Hand it over. 172 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,280 Nah, that's not happening. 173 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,280 He's not technically a student at the school. 174 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,600 And I know that, Barry, 175 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,040 but didn't you always say that the reputation of the school 176 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,160 depends on the rules followed by everyone? 177 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,080 No exceptions. 178 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,520 I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps, Dad. 179 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,400 Mm. Yeah. 180 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,200 Yeah. 181 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,000 Thanks for being so helpful. 182 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,000 No problem, Conor. We're just trying to support you the best we can here 183 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240 at Saint Finan's. Oh, you're so thoughtful. 184 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,200 I'm so lucky to have you looking out for me. 185 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,720 Well, you know me, Conor - always thinking of the less fortunate 186 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,480 such as yourself. Yeah? Yeah. 187 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,160 Is that so? Yeah, that's so! 188 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,200 Yeah. Yeah? Yeah! How so? 189 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,000 Listen, I'd love to sit and chat, but I actually have kids in there 190 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,280 that I have to teach, you know, 191 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,560 who have a hope of passing their Leaving Cert, 192 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,480 so, Dad, I'll see you later. 193 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,040 Bye-bye! 194 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,760 Why does he call you dad? It's so weird. 195 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:32,320 Are you speaking Irish now or what? 196 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,440 Cos it just sounds like a dog kind of choking on some fatty meat. 197 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,840 Conor, do you know what a square root is? 198 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,040 Is it the part of the square that's, like, under the ground? 199 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,880 Conor MacSweeney, would you like to give me a summary 200 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,560 of what you've learned today? 201 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,200 OK, Conor... 202 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,960 ..22%. Yes! 203 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,360 A pass is 40%. 204 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,400 Out of how much? 205 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,120 We've been at this for two months 206 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,480 and I think you know less now than when we started. 207 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,440 What year was Leonardo da Vinci born? 208 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:05,520 I'll say... 209 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,040 ..1972. 210 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,560 He was a Renaissance painter, not a Hollywood actor. 211 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,240 He was born in 1452. 212 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,320 Why do you think you keep getting the questions wrong? 213 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,120 I'm not any good at it, like. Why do you think you're not any good at it? 214 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:20,280 Cos I'm not smart, right? Is that what you want me to say? 215 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,560 Do you actually think that? 216 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,920 Think what? Do you actually think that you're thick? 217 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,040 Well, you're the teacher, you tell me. 218 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,560 I want to hear what you think. 219 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,640 It is what it is. I wasn't any good in school. 220 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,720 I'm not exactly a speed reader. 221 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,440 I went to prison for something stupid as well. 222 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,200 I wasn't even the smartest person in there, 223 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,280 and that's saying something. And that makes you thick? 224 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,120 All right, Barry, you don't have to keep saying it. 225 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,240 Well, what's wrong with me saying it if it's true? 226 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,320 You're a thick fuck. Stop. 227 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,240 I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. 228 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,400 You do know that, don't you? 229 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,640 People take one look at you and they say to themselves, 230 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,160 "There goes one thick fuck just walking down the road." 231 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,360 Stop fucking saying it! Does it make you angry? 232 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,680 Yeah, it makes me angry! 233 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,800 Yeah, well, let me tell you something about thick fucks, Conor, 234 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,760 cos I've taught a lot of them in my time. 235 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,560 Thick fucks think they're smart. 236 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,160 It's the people who think they're thick that are actually smart 237 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,200 because they're clever enough to know the difference. 238 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:10,280 Now, what year was Leonardo da Vinci born? 239 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,720 1452. 240 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,120 Yes! Yay. 241 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,400 If you think you're a thick fuck, 242 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,160 then that's all you're ever going to be. 243 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,320 Look in the mirror and repeat after me. 244 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,760 "My name is Conor MacSweeney and I am not a thick fuck." 245 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,560 My name is Conor MacSweeney and I'm not a thick fuck. 246 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:28,600 Again! My name is Conor MacSweeney and I'm not a thick fuck. 247 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:29,880 You're not a thick fuck! 248 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,920 My name is Conor MacSweeney and I'm not a thick fuck! 249 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,440 Yes! I'm a genius! 250 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,640 Well... OK, don't lose the run of yourself. 251 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,520 Conor, when you get a chance to later on, 252 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,080 would you mind getting me 12 brill, please? 253 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,480 Sure. Do you want me to fillet them as well? 254 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,240 Yeah, sure. Thank you. 255 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,360 Oh. Er... I actually have a study session now on my lunch break. 256 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,160 Do you mind if we do it after? Yeah, sure. 257 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:57,880 It doesn't have to be out till three. Yeah. 258 00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,960 All right. Right. Thank you. 259 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:05,760 Let's learn! 260 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,560 So would you like to know what your Leaving Cert result would be 261 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,640 based on our last assessment? 262 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,040 All right, fine. So, how low? 263 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,560 Well, you're averaging an O6. 264 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,760 That's a pass, Conor. 265 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,160 What? Yeah. 266 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,400 Don't mess with these brains, boy! 267 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,640 That's it! Fucking genius! 268 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,680 Conor. Hey, Orla. Barry. Gavin. 269 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,920 Look, I know you've been asking Mairead 270 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,720 to put in a good word for you, but could you tell her stop? 271 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,280 Cos all she does is go on about how wonderful you are. 272 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,120 I'm just here for Conor! 273 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,920 Do you know what I'm going to do for you, Conor? 274 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,080 Just because I'm sound and I've already won at life, 275 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,560 I'm willing to call off the bet just so you can save face 276 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,200 for whatever face you have left. 277 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,000 Cos, what is it? Two weeks today, exams? 278 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,960 It's just not enough time - and it'd be unfair to hold you to it. 279 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,320 Thanks, Gavin, 280 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,400 but I think I'm going to respectfully decline your offer. 281 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,440 I'm feeling pretty confident in myself. 282 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,360 Why are you talking like you're in court? 283 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,640 Come on, tell me to fuck off or call me a prick or something. 284 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,160 Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Gavin, I don't think that language is appropriate, 285 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,000 all right? It's kind of ruining the atmosphere of the nice view. 286 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,640 That's rich coming from the cocaine-dealing convict. 287 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:26,720 Gavin! 288 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,280 What? He is, isn't he? 289 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,400 I think I might leave before Gavin gets more upset. 290 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,480 He's a bit fragile today. Thanks, Sir. Appreciate it. 291 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,240 See you, Conor. Linda, good to see you. 292 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,040 Gavin, fuck you. All right. Good luck! See you later. 293 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,840 See you after. Barry. 294 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,880 That was too far. That was uncalled for! 295 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,200 I'm sorry, OK? So disrespectful! No need! 296 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,600 Yeah, I heard you were teaching here. Jeez, it's great to see you. 297 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,760 Listen, I hate to do this now, but you remember that time 298 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,400 my mam got you off of that drunk and disorderly charge? 299 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,480 I'm going to have to call in that favour. 300 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,920 I knew this was coming. 301 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,920 You're like the bloody Godfather. Who? 302 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,320 The Godfather. You know? 303 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,000 I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. 304 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,360 The Godfather. 305 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,120 I've never heard someone speak like that in my life. 306 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,760 The actor, Marlon Brando. The Godfather. 307 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,600 Sorry, I don't know what you're on about. 308 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,080 OK, just remember, the Irish oral exam, 309 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,520 it's just a simple conversation. That's all it is. 310 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:23,040 He's going to ask you basic questions. 311 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,560 You're going to give him basic answers. 312 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,800 The worst part of it for me was the Irish oral. 313 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,720 I remember, like, being absolutely petrified. 314 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:32,920 You'll go into your Irish oral exam 315 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,640 and they'll ask you a bunch of questions in Irish, 316 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:35,840 you just respond to them in Irish. 317 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,200 And you don't know what's going to come up, and you just start end up 318 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,680 talking about how much you like your mam and you have three brothers 319 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:41,880 and all this kind of stuff. 320 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,920 Someone who can fully speak Irish attempting to have a conversation 321 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,160 with someone who can absolutely not speak Irish at all. 322 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,120 Er... 323 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,280 Does that mean say it again? 324 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,040 Listen. Try not to stress about it. 325 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,320 Stress will only make it harder to concentrate. OK. 326 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,400 I mean, yes, if you fail your Irish oral, 327 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,200 the chances of you passing the Leaving Cert are zero. 328 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,720 So yes, there's a lot riding on it, 329 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:38,080 but don't let it get into your head, OK? 330 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,280 Erm... 331 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,600 Oh, come on, Conor! Barry? 332 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,680 I thought you might like to meet Moira. 333 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,880 She's the new head of the state examination commission in Munster. 334 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,520 Congratulations on the new role. Thanks, Barry. 335 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,640 Actually, Gavin was just telling us there about all your charity work 336 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,280 with a former convict. 337 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,840 He's not just any former convict. 338 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,200 I think it's safe to say that he's the worst student 339 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,760 ever to pass through St Finan's. 340 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,040 All the teachers used to have a nickname for him. 341 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,320 They called him Zero because that's what he got in all of his tests. 342 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,960 You must like a challenge, so. 343 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,200 Boy, did he get one. 344 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,400 If you really want to test your skills as a teacher, 345 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,120 you need to start with a student that is at rock bottom. 346 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,080 Definitely. Like Conor MacSweeney. 347 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:16,840 What are you looking at? 348 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,200 It's sad, but some students just don't deserve the help, 349 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,680 if you ask me. 350 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,200 Right. Yeah. 351 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,800 Hurry up. 352 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,440 Hey. What was that about? Trashing school property? 353 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,720 Fuck off. How did your exam go? 354 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,280 How do you think it went? 355 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,120 It was a fucking load of shit, wasn't it? 356 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,000 I just felt like an idiot in there. 357 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,320 The Leaving Cert's just bullshit, I'm done with it. 358 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,800 It's only one exam. 359 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,320 I had hope in you. 360 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,960 Maybe you are just a thick fuck after all. 361 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,400 Yeah, I might be thick, but at least I'm not full of shit. 362 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,040 What's that supposed to mean? 363 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,560 You're only helping me so you can get back with Orla. 364 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,400 Yeah, boy. 365 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,040 Haven't you got studying to be doing? 366 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,080 No, I messed up the Irish oral, so it's pointless doing the rest of it. 367 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,920 We spoke to Gavin, though, and called off the bet 368 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,640 so you're not going to lose your money. 369 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,160 It's only part of an exam. You can still pass. 370 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,200 Hi, Mairead. Hi, Linda? 371 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,040 Is Gavin there? Yeah, he is. 372 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,640 Yeah. Can you put me on loudspeaker? 373 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,760 Gavin, it's my money. 374 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,480 The deal was with me and not Conor. 375 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,120 The bet is still on. 376 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,280 What are you doing? 377 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,400 You're going to lose. 378 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,640 I'm used to it, Con. 379 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,840 I've been betting on you your entire life. 380 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,320 And, yeah, it's probably a million to one 381 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,200 that you'll actually turn out OK, but, like... 382 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,160 ..if I don't bet on you, who will? 383 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:58,240 Conor, you tried to pass the Leaving Cert their way. 384 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,400 Now we're going to have to do it our way. 385 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,360 We're going to have to cheat the shit out of this. 386 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,520 Oh, only thick fucks cheat. 387 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:10,640 Bullshit. Only thick fucks get caught cheating. 388 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:11,960 Listen to me, right? 389 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,960 Non-cheaters pass the Leaving Cert 390 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,200 by using the top half of their brain. 391 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,280 Cheaters use the bottom half of their brain. 392 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,280 It's where all the clever thinking is done. 393 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:26,120 So you've got to be extra smart to cheat. 394 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,560 You've got to be extra smart to cheat. 395 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,720 MacSweeney! Stop right there. 396 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,840 What are you doing? Just a random search for cheat notes. 397 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,080 Just totally random. 398 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,200 Yeah. Who else are you checking randomly? Nobody. 399 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,920 Actually, you're the first and probably the last as well. 400 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,400 No, I was assigned to examination secretary, 401 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,440 so I'll be in the exam hall. 402 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,760 Every time you have an exam. 403 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:05,360 I know, I know, your convict brain will be thinking of ways to cheat. 404 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,520 But I will be there to stop you. 405 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,160 Off you go. Try not to fail too quick. 406 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,400 You have two hours and 50 minutes to complete this exam. 407 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,320 Your timing is now. 408 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,760 If you're feeling low... 409 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,760 And all you have to do is stick it on your head. Right. 410 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,680 If you need some help... 411 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,440 ..is a door into the dark. Outside... 412 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,400 Let me know 413 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,640 and you've no chance, let me know 414 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,520 Billy No Mates 415 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,280 416 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,280 Let me know 417 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,080 and you've no chance, let me know 418 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,920 Billy No Mates 419 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,400 420 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,480 People mock you 421 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,720 at opportunities confused Yeah 422 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,160 Insignificant events 423 00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,680 as the be all and end all 424 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:14,320 would freefall into a hellhole 425 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,000 Can't beat them, join them. 426 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,800 for your cranium, coin it 427 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,280 that will change it all for you 428 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,560 Conor! 429 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,000 Conor! 430 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,320 I work for Billy Murphy. 431 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,960 you've no chance, let me know. 432 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,720 Pop quiz, hotshot. 433 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,320 Where is the one place a teacher will never look 434 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,040 for a student's cheats? The back of your hands. 435 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,400 Ehhh! Wrong. It's your dick. 436 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,720 A teacher will never check your dick, 437 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:51,200 because if they even think about it, they'll get arrested. 438 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,160 There's not a lot of real estate down there, like. 439 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,360 Not when it's small. When it's big. Big. 440 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,560 You get a lot of theorems down there when it's big, if you write small. 441 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,520 OK, think big, write small. 442 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,560 Think big, write small. 443 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,680 Big dick, write small. 444 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,320 Come on. 445 00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,040 How come you didn't need any help on the bus this morning? 446 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,080 Finally. 447 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,640 Minus B plus or minus the square root... 448 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,760 OK, minus, minus B. 449 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:27,880 Come here. 450 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,000 He's been going back and forward to the toilet like a pensioner. 451 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,400 He's cheating. I know it. 452 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:38,760 That's it. No more toilet breaks for you, boy. 453 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,280 Last night I got into the school 454 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,800 and I wrote all your business studies cheats 455 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,840 on the bog roll in the last cubicle. 456 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,640 Nah, Gavin's banned me from using the toilet. 457 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:56,960 Oh, fuck. 458 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,520 And that is why I got you this. 459 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:07,800 Nobody said cheating in the Leaving Cert was going to be easy. 460 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,640 What is it? 461 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,840 This is your passport to the bog. 462 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,120 I'm really looking forward to spending that thousand pound 463 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,440 on a romantic honeymoon away with Linda. 464 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,800 Eh? 465 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:58,440 Nobody said cheating in the Leaving Cert was going to be easy. 466 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,280 This is your passport... 467 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:04,720 ..to the bog. 468 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,760 Oh! 469 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,840 Sorry about this, but I got a terrible case of the shits. 470 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,720 Oh, that smells serious. Hurry up and get in there. 471 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:38,960 I warned you about him. 472 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,560 Aye, lad, he's got genuine shits. I smelt it. 473 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,240 Oh... 474 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,800 Agh! 475 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,800 Oh, God. Oh, shit. 476 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,240 Shit is right. No more cheating for you. 477 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,280 Oh, I'm going to shit myself. It's an emergency! 478 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,240 Not a hope. Get out of my way! 479 00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,600 Gaah! 480 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,280 Ah, fuck. 481 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:05,680 What was that? 482 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,280 The apocalypse. 483 00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:08,560 Oh! 484 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,680 Oh, Jesus Christ! 485 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,040 What's happening to my hole?! 486 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,840 Agh! Feels like it's turning inside out. 487 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,200 It looks like you need to go home to get changed, Conor. 488 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,520 It's a pity you won't make the rest of your exam. 489 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,520 I'm going to do them. I'm going to fucking do them. 490 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,960 Here is a student so determined to do their exam, 491 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,440 they're willing to do it covered in shit. 492 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:35,240 We're teachers, and the teacher's job is to help a student learn. 493 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,320 And the ones we need to help the hardest 494 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,560 are the ones that need our help the most. Yeah? 495 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,760 Conor here has made mistakes, and no-one has judged him worse 496 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,240 for those decisions than me. 497 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,640 But he's trying to turn his life around. 498 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:52,000 And all of you, you should be ashamed of yourselves as teachers 499 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,600 for standing in his way. 500 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,800 Particularly you, Gavin. 501 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,560 But I didn't do anything. 502 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,800 I'm sorry for judging you. 503 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,120 The best of luck with the rest of your exams. 504 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,440 You know, it's people like you that we need, 505 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,120 with your commitment and your loyalty to the education 506 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:13,920 of the students with the commission. 507 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,320 You give me a call if you'd like a change of career. 508 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:18,680 Thank you. 509 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,480 But I'm a teacher. 510 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,280 And teachers teach. 511 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,360 Come on, Conor. Come on. 512 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,080 Conor, you got this. 513 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,920 Look, don't worry about it, all right? 514 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,960 Like, I'm really proud of you for just even trying this and... 515 00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,080 All right. It's here. 516 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,600 Oh! 517 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,240 I did it. 518 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,160 I passed, I passed everything. 519 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:13,480 You what?! 520 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,720 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 521 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,520 Oh, my God! 522 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:22,400 Oh, my God! The first person in our family to pass the Leaving Cert! 523 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:25,320 I even passed business! 524 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,840 Oh, my God, I thought I was shit at business. 525 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,200 Oh, look at you, Mr Businessman. 526 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,160 It turns out cheating the shit out of an exam can be even harder 527 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,680 than just studying for it in the first place. 528 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,000 Yeah, my other tracksuit bottoms are covered in shit, 529 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,080 and I couldn't get it out, so... 530 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,000 You have to give him the money. Don't deserve it. 531 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,360 He's not getting it. 532 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,040 I am so smart. The smartest. 533 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,800 Sorry to interrupt. He's got something he has to do. 534 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,920 Just fuckin'... Yeah. I'm doing it. 535 00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:58,240 You're taking your time. 536 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:02,000 Now, wasn't that hard. 537 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,240 You deserve it. 538 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,160 You passed them all. Barely. 539 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,600 60 points! 540 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:07,760 Isn't that the minimum? 541 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,240 Congratulations on passing. 542 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,120 I'm proud of you. 543 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:14,960 Thanks, Linda. Er... 544 00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:19,000 Use this to get whatever dress you want. 545 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,000 I just want you to be happy on your big day. 546 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:23,600 Are you sure? 547 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:27,680 It was your wedding money, like, so it'd be wrong if I didn't. 548 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,480 Thanks. 549 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,120 Barry. Orla. 550 00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:37,240 Yeah. Drinks on me! 551 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,840 You should be proud. 552 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,160 Even though I cheated the shit out of it, 553 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,440 I think passing the Leaving Cert has had a positive effect on me. 554 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,720 It's like a part of growing up as an Irish person 555 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,600 that I'd missed out on. Something to be proud of. 556 00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,240 Everyone knows the Leaving Cert's a load of bollocks anyway. 557 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,200 Now you tell me, like?