1
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,360
No, thank you.

2
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:57,936
All right?

3
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,936
My nerves are frayed.

4
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,256
Are you Mr Redford?

5
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,496
I'm deaf, I'm mute, my synapses
are firing out of control,

6
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,616
I can't think a
single clear thought.

7
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,296
I'm trying so hard to concentrate,
but every five minutes,

8
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,336
someone crashes into my space.

9
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,176
If I don't accomplish
something today,

10
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,096
I shall not be responsible
for my actions.

11
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:17,416
Are you Mr Redford?

12
00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,016
Mr Redford does not
exist without his work.

13
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:21,800
Why can't anyone
understand that?

14
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,376
There, a signed first edition.

15
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,696
You have what you came for.

16
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,696
Now, I beg you, leave me alone.

17
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:30,920
I beg you!

18
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,176
There's a spelling
mistake on this.

19
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,256
What? Impossible! You lie.

20
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,256
Yeah. I just wanted you
to keep the door open.

21
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,736
You are a... Na-na-na!

22
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,536
Has someone died here? Yes.

23
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,376
Then you're going to
want to invite me in.

24
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,736
Ah, so you're the cleaner.

25
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,376
No. I am the crime
scene cleaner.

26
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,056
Big difference. Huge.

27
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,456
My work starts where
others pass in horror.

28
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,440
A tired cliche, that I'm sure
you've used a thousand times.

29
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,096
I hate your beard.

30
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,696
What? Yeah, that's not
a tired cliche, is it?

31
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,416
Now, would you like
to invite me in?

32
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,000
Now is not a good time.

33
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,296
Right.

34
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:15,896
OK, well, you'll have to sign this
to say you don't need my services.

35
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,096
And if you've got blood
and human remains in there,

36
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:19,856
you might want to
clean them up quickly,

37
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,680
or you're going to have some
unwanted housemates. Bye.

38
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,496
Wait! What unwanted housemates?

39
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:27,736
Bacteria.

40
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,176
Oh, bacteria.

41
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,616
The rats. Rats? Yes, rats!

42
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,976
A real vermin
house party. Enjoy.

43
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,776
All right, y-you may come in.

44
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,216
No. No, you're all right.
You've signed this now.

45
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:41,616
I... think I'll go and
have a lovely beer.

46
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,496
Please! I-I don't want
a vermin house party.

47
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,936
I have a deadline.

48
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,856
Oh, dear.

49
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:51,416
£20. I'll give you £20 for beer.

50
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,400
I don't even like beer.

51
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,816
I do like beer. Go on.

52
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,040
Come on, then.

53
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,616
I shall be working in here.

54
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,496
Please do not enter at
any point, for any reason.

55
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,656
There. As you can see,
the blood is extensive.

56
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,696
I've covered it with brown paper
because it's a little visceral.

57
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,896
It's a little...?
It is triggering.

58
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,296
Everyone's getting triggered
these days, aren't they?

59
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,176
Lot of triggering going on.

60
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,576
No?

61
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,576
Not a lot of him left. Her.

62
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,776
Oh. What, er...?

63
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,576
Some kind of explosion,
sending shrapnel everywhere.

64
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,736
That wood-burner is connected
to the heating system.

65
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,136
They think a malfunction
caused a gas backdraught,

66
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,016
simultaneously slicing and
incinerating the victim.

67
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,136
Essentially, she burnt to death
because she was too old to escape.

68
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,336
Horrific.

69
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,736
Can't even imagine.

70
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,816
You're a cleaner, you're
not paid to imagine.

71
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,376
Hey, we can imagine!

72
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,640
Go on, then.

73
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,360
A moon.

74
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,976
OK, well, now the
heating isn't working,

75
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,576
and I'm writing a novel set
during a Provencal summer.

76
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,336
I'm freezing. I'm in hell.

77
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,376
Right. Were you here
when it happened?

78
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,416
Thankfully no, I
was at a reading.

79
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,776
The idea that my friend's
shit poetry saved my life...

80
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,536
Well, the irony is not lost.

81
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,976
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I must return to Provence.

82
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,736
I've got a question.

83
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,016
Yes?

84
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,016
Who was it? Who was what?

85
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,336
Who was that?

86
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,936
Oh. My grandmother.

87
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,496
Oh!

88
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,536
OK, well, I'll...

89
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,096
Good.

90
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:40,360
And, you know...

91
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,200
I'm sorry. What for?

92
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:47,497
For your loss.

93
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,936
Why are you sorry?
Did you kill her?

94
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,976
I was just being polite, mate.

95
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,896
It's another worn-out cliche.

96
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,176
You're not sorry. You
didn't know my grandmother.

97
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,176
Why would you be
sorry that she's dead?

98
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,096
It's a bastardisation
of the language.

99
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,056
You're right. I couldn't
care less she's dead.

100
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,016
There! Now, doesn't
that feel fresher?

101
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,656
The clean air of honesty!

102
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,216
I'm glad she's dead!

103
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,296
Why would you be glad? I
got carried away, it's...

104
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,696
You are indifferent.

105
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:14,336
You didn't know my grandmother.

106
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,096
You are indifferent
to her life and death.

107
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,480
That is proper.

108
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,176
Sorry.

109
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:25,216
About saying I'm glad,
not about her death.

110
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,160
About which you are...?

111
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:29,960
Indifferent?

112
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,496
Dick. I can hear you.

113
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,056
Sorry.

114
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,760
But not about your dead nan.

115
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,160
I must have quiet.

116
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,896
I've got to move the paper.

117
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,016
Well, move it silently.

118
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,256
It's paper. It scrunches.

119
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,640
It's sort of known
for its scrunchiness.

120
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,456
It's going to take ages to
clear the area like that.

121
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,736
I'll scrunch it all at
once. I'll speed scrunch.

122
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,056
I can't work next to scrunching,

123
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,896
regardless of the scrunch rate.

124
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,416
Well, I don't like tippy-tappy.

125
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,416
Tippy-tappy doesn't
affect your work!

126
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,336
Scrunching affects mine.

127
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,696
The fact that I'm using
words like "tippy-tappy"

128
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,296
and "scrunch rate" proves it.

129
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,816
You've reduced my
vocabulary to yours!

130
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,080
Please, I beg you,
I must have quiet.

131
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,696
Fine.

132
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,736
But I know words you don't know.

133
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,696
I very much doubt it, with
the greatest of respect.

134
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,216
Crackletranton. What?

135
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,976
Yeah, you don't know
that word, do you?

136
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,376
You've clearly made it up.

137
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,200
Perhaps I did make it up - but
you didn't know it, did you?

138
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,376
Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

139
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,400
What's it like? It's
a crackletranton.

140
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,176
OK, you want to
dance? Let's dance!

141
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,336
My synapses are on fire.

142
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,576
I am on the verge
of writer's block.

143
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,536
I don't suppose there's an
equivalent in the world of cleaning,

144
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,256
so let me try and put it to you
in such a way as you understand.

145
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,456
If I don't finish
this chapter today,

146
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,016
I will kill myself.

147
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,776
Does that make you understand?

148
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,216
I will snuff out my life force,

149
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,496
then you'll have a death

150
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,176
that you can legitimately tell
people you're sorry about,

151
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,976
because you caused it!

152
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,576
All you have to do is clean,

153
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,176
and all I ask of you, within
that most basic of tasks,

154
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,296
is that you clean quietly!

155
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,200
Do you understand?!

156
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:23,656
Yes.

157
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:24,960
Yes, I fully understand.

158
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,296
This? Aw... I've
got cleaner's block.

159
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:43,656
You son of a bitch!

160
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,656
Yeah. It's a very
serious condition.

161
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:46,976
I could be here for months,

162
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,056
if I don't decide to
use the vacuum cleaner

163
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,816
to hoover away my life force.

164
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,776
It's money, is it? That's what
talks to you people, isn't it?

165
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,216
Hard cash.

166
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,816
20 not enough to guzzle away?

167
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,240
£50... if I don't hear a peep.

168
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,536
150, and I'll be like
a mouse that hovers.

169
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:04,856
Yeah, a hover mouse.

170
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,176
You can't use that, I'm
writing a children's book.

171
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,600
£100, cash.

172
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,936
The only noise you will hear
from now on is the tippy-tappy

173
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,760
of your porky little fingers.

174
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,160
Le Responsable by
Jacques Dutronc.

175
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,520
Oh, f...!

176
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,880
Oh, hello, little fella.

177
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,160
You look lost.

178
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:16,840
Ruff!

179
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,280
Argh!

180
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,296
I've been trying, mate!

181
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,696
You're bleeding.

182
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,856
Yes, it's a shaving cut.

183
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,336
You shave your forehead?

184
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:39,856
Yes, I'm sorry, I've
got a hairy forehead.

185
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,776
I'm sorry about my frostiness.

186
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,336
It's not you.

187
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,256
I'm burned out, on empty.

188
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,216
I've been trying to describe
someone climbing some stairs

189
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:49,656
for nearly four days.

190
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,456
Four days? How big's the house?

191
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,616
No, I've spent four days
trying to find the right word.

192
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,416
"Floating" is too ethereal,

193
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,096
"hurrying" is too urgent.

194
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,616
"He mastered the stairs"
is too masculine,

195
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,336
"trudging" too subservient.

196
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,576
"His feet swallowed the
stairs" is sexualised.

197
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,376
I liked "he staired
up" for a while,

198
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,096
then I realised it's
a nonsensical pun.

199
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:15,176
The other characters are waiting
for him at the top of the stairs,

200
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,096
but I can't continue the story
until I have the right word.

201
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,176
It's a wolf in my mind,
do you understand?

202
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,000
A wolf that consumes my mind.

203
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:27,640
Stumble?

204
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,920
Graham Greene!

205
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,096
Stumble, yeah?

206
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,480
Ah, another part of
the jigsaw of madness.

207
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,256
I should get you a
beer to celebrate.

208
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,496
No, no, I can't drink
during the week.

209
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,056
I've got a condition.

210
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,776
It means once I
start, I can't stop.

211
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,016
Medical condition?

212
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,936
Yeah, it's called, er

213
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,440
being an absolute legend.

214
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,656
Oh.

215
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,656
So, you are a crime
scene cleaner?

216
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,536
I am. And what
does that involve?

217
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,216
It's mainly delivering
patio furniture.

218
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,696
A joke.

219
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,296
Yeah. Very good. Enjoyable.

220
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,296
And what is this
little cleaning agent?

221
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,800
It's sodium hydroxide.
It's for dissolving flesh.

222
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,296
Eh!

223
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,376
Two jokes, two sentences.

224
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:35,936
Maybe I should become a writer.

225
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,456
Don't. It's mental torture.

226
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:39,760
Can I tell you something?

227
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,936
I actually won a little
writing award at school once.

228
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,296
Go on.

229
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,216
We had to come up with an
advertising slogan for a product,

230
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,016
and I got given cigarettes.

231
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:54,136
Shows you how long
ago it was, and...

232
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,256
Oh... it doesn't matter.

233
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,536
It was stupid.

234
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,416
Please, I'm interested.

235
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,800
It was just...

236
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,216
"Fancy a fag?"

237
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,640
"Have a drag."

238
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,960
Just simple.

239
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,936
You can use it, if you want.

240
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,776
No, I won't be using it.

241
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,416
No? I was thinking he
could use it when he gets

242
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,056
to the top of the stairs.

243
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,136
Everyone could say, "Oh, you
look stressed. Fancy a fag?"

244
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,616
"I'll have a drag."

245
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,736
It's shit.

246
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,576
It's the mindless utterance
of a cleaner-to-be.

247
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,416
I'm a crime scene cleaner.

248
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,240
Yes, yes. "Pass in
horror," etc, etc.

249
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,536
Look, can I ask you
something? A serious question.

250
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,376
Quickly, please.

251
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,376
Why aren't you upset
about your gran?

252
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,136
What makes you
think I'm not upset?

253
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,376
Well, normally, people
are affected by a loss.

254
00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,936
They show it in some way.

255
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,416
What about your nan?

256
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,296
She was an extraordinary woman,
and her loss, a fire in my soul.

257
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,576
Tell your face.
Tell my face what?

258
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,056
Normally, people... cry?

259
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,456
I can't afford to cry.

260
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,976
Look, I could break down now, in
front of you, rivers of tears,

261
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,336
and fall into your
arms - and then, what?

262
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,816
Well, then you'd feel
better. I'm a great cuddle.

263
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,256
Look, I've got lovely,
big mum tits. Come on.

264
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,216
Oh, God! Come on.

265
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,016
But then, all the emotion
would be used up, wasted.

266
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,576
My grandmother would be buried,

267
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,416
and I'd sit down to try
and describe the pain,

268
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,296
and there'd be nothing left.

269
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:38,776
You can't use everything that you
go through in life for a book!

270
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,496
Sometimes, you've
just got to... be.

271
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,616
I think my grandmother
deserves more than

272
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,656
a spontaneous howl of anguish.

273
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,496
She deserves a
novella, at least.

274
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,576
So, I shall push it down.

275
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,376
I either cry, or I write.

276
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,976
Hm.

277
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,256
Well, doesn't sound
very healthy to me.

278
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:02,216
It isn't, but I've been published
in 28 countries, whereas you,

279
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,776
when you "fancy a
fag, have a drag".

280
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,696
Well, if I have to push everything
down to become a writer,

281
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,336
I'll stick to cleaning up blood.

282
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,496
One must be consumed
by what one does.

283
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,976
Dylan Thomas makes an interesting
point about it, actually.

284
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,456
Oh, right, well, there's no
need to find it. I believe you.

285
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,376
No, it's an interesting
passage. I'll...

286
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,896
Yeah, I don't want to see it.

287
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,616
It's relevant to our discussion.
But I'm not interested.

288
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,120
Leave it!

289
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,096
I hate this book. I despise it.

290
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:31,217
Have you read it?

291
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:33,096
Yes, of course I've read it.

292
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,080
He's the worst writer
to come out of...

293
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,776
Wales? Yes, Wales!

294
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,256
"Oh, I've got a doll
with a big, tall hat"

295
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,016
"and a house full of spoons."

296
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,816
Wales! Get over yourselves!

297
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,496
He's one of the 20th
century's greatest writers.

298
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,096
I hate his writing.

299
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,456
His writing makes my
balls go up inside myself.

300
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,656
You don't like his style?

301
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,456
What don't you like about it?

302
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,920
Well, it's so

303
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,096
pecky, isn't it?

304
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,136
Pecky? Yes, pecky. Isn't it?

305
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,816
"Oh, I'm Dylan Thomas. Oh, look
at my words. Peck, peck, peck."

306
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,896
So, pecky in terms
of the sharp...

307
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,296
Sharp... disjointed nature of
the prose... nature of the prose.

308
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,976
So, you feel that by jumping
from image to juxtaposed image,

309
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,856
we never really
emotionally engage.

310
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,000
Exactly. The guy's a prick. Oh.

311
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,696
Aah!

312
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,696
You holding your
emotions in again?

313
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:35,136
The pain I just felt will
flow across the next page.

314
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,456
Well, as long as it
doesn't peck across it, eh?

315
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,056
No, not like that
prick Dylan Thomas.

316
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,656
We make a pretty good
team, eh, you and me?

317
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:44,960
Meh.

318
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,400
Pip-yup!

319
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,856
Terence Redford? Yes.

320
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,216
We come with news.
I'm very busy.

321
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,616
We know you must be consumed
with your next masterpiece,

322
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,296
but we bring news of
an important award.

323
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,176
An award? For one of my...?

324
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,616
Slow The Seconds To
Midnight has been nominated

325
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,376
in the Best Novel category.

326
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,376
My sources have led me to
believe that you are in

327
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,456
a very favourable position.

328
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,016
Goodness!

329
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,496
And what is the
award, may I ask?

330
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,600
A very important one. Which one?

331
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,776
I am not at liberty to say.

332
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,376
I see.

333
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,720
Would you wait there?

334
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,080
Come here, you
manky little stray.

335
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,400
Oi!

336
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,680
No!

337
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:53,840
Dickhead!

338
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,016
Ah!

339
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,456
Oh! Is that a first edition?

340
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,896
It is indeed.

341
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,256
Would it be impertinent
to ask for a signature?

342
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,560
Not at all.

343
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,256
Ooh! Are you entertaining?

344
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,736
Yes, yes. And what are
your names, please?

345
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,416
I am Mrs Gathernoid,
and this is Miss Chant.

346
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,920
Barbara Chant!

347
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,616
"To the small woman
and the big woman."

348
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,176
"Your lies are a disease
that will eat you."

349
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,376
You are not from
an award committee,

350
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,936
you are desperate groupies,

351
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,896
and if you waste another second
of my time, I will destroy you!

352
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,176
Now, get back on the train to...

353
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,736
Gloucester. Of
course, Gloucester!

354
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,640
A rock which, when lifted,
is teeming with roaches.

355
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,320
That was your fault.

356
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,496
How dare they!

357
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,016
How dare they use my
longing for recognition

358
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,696
to their own foul ends!

359
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,536
They know I crave the Booker,

360
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,056
they know the Sunday
Times are blind to me.

361
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,736
Every week, they come,

362
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,496
the zombie army of
lonely housewives.

363
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,336
Well, damn you, wretched sows.

364
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,776
You've just made the female
protagonist get lost at sea,

365
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,656
never to return.

366
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,360
Hairy nose, as well?

367
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,696
Well, you didn't push your
feelings down very well

368
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,936
with them, did you?

369
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,216
Because they took advantage
of a writer's greatest fear.

370
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:19,896
It's about leaving a mark,

371
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,216
leaving evidence
that you existed.

372
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,856
Well, the books do
that, don't they?

373
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,216
An award will bring
more people to my books.

374
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,336
I'll cast a longer shadow.

375
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:31,016
Don't you understand?

376
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,256
No, not really.

377
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,376
Mind you, I suppose if
I do my job properly,

378
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,656
then I don't leave
a trace behind me.

379
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,296
It's like I never existed.

380
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,736
And that doesn't bother you?

381
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,576
No. What do I care what
people think when I'm gone?

382
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,936
I'll be dead.

383
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,856
But you could live
on in people's minds.

384
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,576
Well, that's like someone
buying a pint for me

385
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,296
just before I have
a heart attack.

386
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,376
I don't get to enjoy the pint.

387
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,696
And if there is a Heaven,

388
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,016
I'll be looking down, watching
someone drink my pint,

389
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,056
and I won't like
that, I'll be jealous,

390
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,816
because I love a pint.

391
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,896
If you had one hour left
to live, what would you do?

392
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,896
Look, we do this stuff down
at the pub all the time,

393
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,096
and I'm not particularly
proud of my answer,

394
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,536
but I tell the truth

395
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,216
I would enjoy going round
the ladies' changing room,

396
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,336
and I would enjoy watching
them try their bras on.

397
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,656
What?

398
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,016
No, that's not "hour to live",

399
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,376
that's "invisible for
the day", isn't it?

400
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,536
No, come on, you've
got one hour left.

401
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,280
I don't know.

402
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,936
I suppose I'd write to my ex.

403
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,416
What does it matter
what your ex thinks?

404
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,856
You'll be dead.

405
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,976
Not while I'm writing
that letter, I won't be,

406
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,696
and there's a few things I'll
enjoy getting off my chest.

407
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,816
"Oh, didn't like the way I
used to load the dishwasher?"

408
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,336
"Well, your sister's racist."

409
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,680
Jesus!

410
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,096
You writing about me?

411
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:30,456
What do you care?

412
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,416
Well, I don't know
what you're saying!

413
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,416
You're happy to disappear
once you've died,

414
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,680
so don't worry about it.

415
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,696
"I observed the gargantuan
pot-bellied man"

416
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,200
"going about his business."

417
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:45,520
And that's me, is it?

418
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,656
Well... Well, it's not going to
be a best-seller, is it, mate?

419
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,456
The most mundane of activities
can be made interesting

420
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,096
in the right context.

421
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,016
Mundane? Yes.

422
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,496
Tedious, inconsequential, dull.

423
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,896
Let me tell you some
interesting stories.

424
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,256
No, you just carry on.
Act like I'm not here.

425
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,200
I will capture the truth.

426
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,336
How many books did
you sell last time?

427
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:09,840
Just shy of 100,000.

428
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,200
I'll get some
interesting things.

429
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,256
There's some good stuff
here, straight away.

430
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,416
Straight away. Ooh...
Now, this is daptrozone.

431
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,456
That's for separating
blood and plasma.

432
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,856
You could...

433
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,176
And this, the bad bin.

434
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,976
It's for severed body parts.

435
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,456
Come on, mate,
it's a finger bin!

436
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:38,896
Not my genre.

437
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:40,416
I've got good stories.

438
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,536
Last year, I got called out to
a job, I had to take away a man

439
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,656
a chimp had had his legs away.

440
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,096
I thought you weren't bothered
about being remembered.

441
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,936
Well, I'm not, but I'm not having
those arseholes down the pub

442
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,216
read a book with a boring
character and know it's me.

443
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,480
What's that?

444
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,136
That's my lunch.

445
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,000
May I? Yeah.

446
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,696
What is it?

447
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,216
It's a sausage sarnie.

448
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,200
Well, half of one.

449
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,920
And then, this?

450
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,240
Brown sauce.

451
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,056
No salad?

452
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:27,960
Who puts salad on
a sausage sandwich?

453
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,056
What, you're writing
about my sandwich?

454
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,336
Mm-hm.

455
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,736
So, I've spent all day
listening to your madness,

456
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,456
and cleaning up
your grandmother,

457
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,576
and you're writing
about my sandwich?

458
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,136
It's the perfect metaphor.

459
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,856
It is both dead and
alive simultaneously.

460
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,136
But have you put it's
Wicky's sandwich?

461
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,896
No, it is a sausage
sandwich lost in time.

462
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:51,336
It's MY sandwich!

463
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,456
You don't care if
anyone remembers you.

464
00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,016
You don't seek meaning.

465
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,936
It is the universe's sandwich.

466
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,360
Oh, yeah?

467
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,656
It's my sandwich.

468
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,120
Please!

469
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,896
The fog will have gone in
about two hours, and so will I.

470
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,376
Well, thank you.

471
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,736
You're not welcome.

472
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:30,240
I don't want you to accuse
me of using cliches, do I?

473
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,296
Well, goodbye.

474
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,360
My publisher awaits. Terence?

475
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,696
I haven't read anything
by Dylan Thomas.

476
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:43,016
I wouldn't bother.

477
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,440
He's very pecky.

478
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,616
I know you must
think me strange,

479
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,176
but I want you to know,

480
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,176
one cannot always
control one's grief.

481
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,296
Recently, I cried for a week.

482
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:56,816
Why?

483
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,256
It sounds silly, but

484
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,800
my cat ran away.

485
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:07,296
I grieve for my cat, but
for my grandmother...

486
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,840
You'll find a way.

487
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:25,736
"My grandmother was

488
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,976
"the most beautiful
woman in the world.

489
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,656
"She stood in the small,
wood-panelled kitchen"

490
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,560
"of her farmhouse, cooking
sausages for my sandwich."

491
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,296
"'What is a sausage,
Gran?' I asked."

492
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,736
"She smiled and
ruffled my hair."

493
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,640
"'Just eat, my love. Just eat.'"