1
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:05,961
VICAR: Mel and Madge
have been lucky enough
2
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,970
to find each other
during life's closing number.
3
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,889
This must have cost him a fortune.
4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,321
Don't worry. There's plenty more
where that came from.
5
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:14,601
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
6
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,131
I'm pregnant.
7
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,481
But we were told
I couldn't give you a baby.
8
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,840
(KATE LAUGHS)
9
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,928
(MAN SCREAMING)
10
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:24,971
(MEL EXCLAIMS)
11
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:26,161
(MADGE EXCLAIMING)
12
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:27,441
Are you all right?
13
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:28,846
(MAN SCREAMING)
14
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,561
Oh, my God!
15
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,286
- Get that vicar here now.
-Who are you?
16
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,289
You remember Madge, don't you?
17
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:36,447
(MEL EXCLAIMS)
18
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:37,561
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
19
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:38,806
JANICE: Jesus!
20
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,081
- MICHAEL: Dad!
-I was trying to get his memory back!
21
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:46,366
Lock him up
and throw away the bloody key.
22
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,961
Get that little shit away from my wife!
23
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:51,930
I love you!
24
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,008
MADGE: I'll get you! I will!
25
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,281
(SIRENS WAILING)
26
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,085
How many times have I told you?
It was a mistake.
27
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:27,846
You're not even listening to me.
28
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,602
Is it far? I am bursting for the bog.
29
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,005
I'm serious,
I think I'm gonna wet meself.
30
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,604
Can you just pull your seat
forward a bit?
31
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,245
I can't feel me legs.
32
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,600
(POLICEMEN CONTINUE CHATTERING)
33
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,722
All right, ignore me, then,
34
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,844
but If I pee meself in your car,
on your head be it.
35
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,361
(MICK GASPS)
36
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,325
Shit!
37
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:57,971
SIGHS
38
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,083
(SIREN CONTINUES WAILING)
39
00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,569
(MADGE CRYING)
40
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,843
Mother. Come off the road. Come on.
41
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,969
Oh, dear, Madge looks pretty upset.
42
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,606
Yes, it might have something to do
with the happiest day of her life
43
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,121
ending with her husband-to-be
being drop kicked
44
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,049
by a flying Yorkshire pudding
45
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,845
potentially making her a widow
before she's even got married.
46
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,200
I think he's from Lancashire.
47
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,402
I remember our wedding day.
48
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,603
I was waiting outside the church
for over an hour,
49
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:36,770
and, then, eventually,
Donald turned up on a white horse
50
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,451
wearing a full suit of armour!
51
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,891
That must have been a strain.
52
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,049
Oh, no, I knew he'd turn up.
53
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,003
I meant for the horse.
54
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,451
KATE: Do you think
there's anything we can do?
55
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,166
Absolutely not. They created their
own mess, they can sort it out.
56
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,281
- Martin!
-Right now,
57
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:55,121
I've only got two priorities.
My wife and our child. Come on.
58
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,366
Pardon me. Coming through.
Excuse me. Thank you.
59
00:02:58,480 --> 00:02:59,481
(MADGE CONTINUES CRYING)
60
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,080
Mother, calm down.
Listen to me, calm down!
61
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,761
- Oh, my God!
-Is she all right?
62
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,848
Oh, yeah, she's fine, just look at her.
63
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,122
(MADGE CRYING)
64
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,805
You know what it is? She's hysterical.
65
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,285
She needs something to shock her,
like a slap in the face.
66
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,289
- I'll do it.
-You, stay where you are.
67
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,210
Mother, will you please listen to me?
68
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,606
What am I gonna do?
69
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:32,009
This is supposed to be
the happiest day of my life!
70
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,124
Well, look on the bright side,
it can't get any worse.
71
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,969
Do you need a lift anywhere?
72
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,844
Will you go away?
73
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,248
I didn't mean to interrupt your wedding.
Congratulations, by the way.
74
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,842
Congratulations?
Are you taking the piss?
75
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,487
- Janice, I've said I'm sorry.
-Will you just leave us alone?
76
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,890
(MADGE SOBBING)
77
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,082
Excuse me, love, we need to get a taxi.
78
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,682
- Of course, follow me.
-Yeah. Taxi.
79
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,850
Just a minute. Telle, take Coolio
and Michael back to the apartment.
80
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,371
I wanna go with you to get me dad.
81
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,006
- Well you can't!
-Shall we take them back with us?
82
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,884
Oh, yes, please, darling, thank you.
83
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,766
Oh, yes, that's it, send the kids off
with Fred West and his wife,
84
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,325
that's the last you'll see of them.
85
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,408
Mother, will you calm down. Come on.
86
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,727
- Go with Mr and Mrs...
-Stewart.
87
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,251
Go on!
88
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,164
Are you coming back to the apartments?
89
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,282
Well, I think I'd better
look for me son.
90
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,846
Oh, God, yeah! Is he still out there?
91
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,566
- GAVIN: I can't see him.
-Oh, he'll be fine.
92
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,889
I'll wait around for a bit,
he'll turn up.
93
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,207
You know what kids are like!
94
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,607
Okay. See you later.
95
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,688
Kids? He's about 46.
96
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,290
(SIREN WAILING)
97
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,161
All right.
Get your dirty Spanish hands off me.
98
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:01,842
I can walk by meself!
99
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:03,921
(MICK EXCLAIMS)
100
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:11,287
It's people like you that give
the British a bad name in Benidorm.
101
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,449
I'm not drunk,
I've just got a cramp in me legs!
102
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,611
They wouldn't let me go to the toilet.
103
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,889
(MICK EXCLAIMING)
104
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:30,685
(MATEO WHISTLES)
105
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,724
- Oh, no, no, no...
-Oh, no! No!
106
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,650
Excuse me, we need this taxi.
107
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:41,841
- I think not.
-MADGE: Come on.
108
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,167
Shift yourselves out of there,
we've got to get to the hospital.
109
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,362
I'm sorry, this is our taxi,
you'll have to find another one.
110
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,720
Martin, let them have it.
111
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,490
I said I can walk back
to the apartments.
112
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,443
- Oh, thank you, love.
-Absolutely not.
113
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,641
You're not walking anywhere.
114
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,171
Besides, we're not going
to the apartments.
115
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:55,327
Where are we going?
116
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,489
- My husband's dying.
-My wife is pregnant!
117
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,326
Don't look at me.
118
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:06,726
Oh, brilliant!
119
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,728
Here we are, there's a car there.
120
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,205
JANICE: That's not a taxi.
121
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,561
Doesn't matter,
we'll tell him it's an emergency
122
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,091
and we need the use of his vehicle.
123
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,407
Mother, who do you think we are?
Cagney and Lacey?
124
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:18,681
Come on.
125
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,126
Excuse me, love,
we need you to give us a lift.
126
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,765
We were wondering if you could help us.
127
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,089
My mother's husband has just been
knocked out by a man on a parachute,
128
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,850
and my husband's been arrested.
129
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,691
We need to get to the hospital
and the police station.
130
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,006
(AIR HISSING)
131
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,690
Can you help us?
132
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,169
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
133
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,161
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
134
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,244
- Oh, thank you.
-Hospital first.
135
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,567
Let's get a move on.
136
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,928
(MADGE GRUNTING)
137
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,724
Hey, listen, I am not sure
this is such a good idea.
138
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,604
I think I can see a taxi.
139
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,609
Frig off, this is free.
140
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,685
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
141
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,607
(FRENCH SONG PLAYING)
142
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,404
(VENTILATOR OPERATING)
143
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,291
(MACHINE BEEPING)
144
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,686
(MEL GASPING)
145
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,649
(MACHINE BEEPING CONTINUOUSLY)
146
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,569
(MEL GASPING)
147
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,643
You can't do this to me.
I've done nothing wrong!
148
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,082
You can't keep me here
without charging me with summat.
149
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,443
I know me rights,
I've watched every episode of Columbo.
150
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:48,971
(LOCK CLICKING)
151
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,326
Well, as soon as I get out of here,
I'm going straight to the papers.
152
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,726
Oh, yeah, don't you worry,
153
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,411
this is an International incident now.
154
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,601
"Free the Benidorm One!"
155
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,811
Come on, Janice, love, where are you?
156
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,406
(POLICEMEN CHATTERING)
157
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,249
I can't believe me dad's been
put in prison for punching Mel.
158
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,204
I can't believe somebody doesn't
punch him every day. He's a right dick.
159
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,529
Well, we know he was trying to
help him but it is technically assault.
160
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,120
No, I'm with you. I've wanted to
give him a good slap all week
161
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,241
just for wearing that thong.
162
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:51,521
Gavin!
163
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,848
They won't put him in prison,
they'll just have to question him
164
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,611
and then they'll probably let him off
with a caution, maybe a small fine.
165
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:57,767
Thank you Judge Judy!-
166
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:01,407
Here we go, cocktails for us,
167
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,602
squash for the kiddies.
168
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:04,881
(INAUDIBLE)
169
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,331
What's a caution?
170
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,091
It's where the police say to your dad,
"Okay, you shouldn't have done that,
171
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,247
"but we know you didn't really mean it,
172
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,089
"so we're just gonna
tell you off this time."
173
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,124
Oh, I don't think he'll
get away that easily.
174
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,403
He really knocked his block off,
didn't he?
175
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,251
I mean, if he's actually killed him,
176
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,966
they'll lock him up
and throw away the key.
177
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,801
MICHAEL: Granddad's dead,
178
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:28,921
(JACQUELINE EXCLAIMS)
179
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,247
and now me dad's gonna die in prison!
180
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:32,486
(MICHAEL SOBBING)
181
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,568
Was it something I said?
182
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:47,770
Come on. Put your foot down.
We haven't got all day.
183
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,884
Put your seat belt on, mother.
We've had enough accidents today.
184
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,728
Hey, I've been meaning to ask you.
185
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,604
Who was that young lad on the beach?
186
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,722
- What young lad?
-Good looking lad in white
187
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,365
who was shouting after you.
188
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,084
Couldn't quite hear what he was saying.
189
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,409
I don't know.
Must have got the wrong wedding.
190
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,888
You must think I come down
with the last shower.
191
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,401
- You what?
-I know exactly who he is.
192
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,251
He's that lad that served us
in that bar the other day,
193
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:17,524
then he came to see you in Neptune's
on the pretence we'd lost some money.
194
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:22,009
Then you followed him outside.
Gone for quite a while weren't you?
195
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,408
Don't be ridiculous,
I just gave him his money back.
196
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,522
(EXCLAIMING)
You gave him more than that.
197
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,563
Have you completely lost the plot?
198
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:34,083
"Just one more kiss. I've got me car,
we can go anywhere you want!"
199
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,441
- So much for your bad hearing.
-So you admit it?
200
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,164
- I don't admit anything.
-You don't have to,
201
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,805
It's written all over your face.
202
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,083
Yes, I'm embarrassed that
that young lad fancies me,
203
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,009
but do you honestly think that I...
204
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,250
What's wrong?
205
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,444
Where are we?
206
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,050
Oh, my God!
207
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,683
Excuse me, love,
we wanted to go to the hospital.
208
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:22,968
Oh! He's coming round.
Will the doctor be here soon?
209
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,564
Oh, son! Can you hear me?
210
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,604
It's your mother, can you hear me?
211
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,649
'Course I can hear you, you daft cow,
212
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,127
you're shouting about
an inch away from me ear.
213
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,811
Oh, I have been worried about you.
214
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,163
The people at the parachute ride
said you'd crash-landed
215
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,682
and nearly wiped out
a family of Germans.
216
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,287
Son, you have to rest.
217
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,131
It's taken the wind out of you.
218
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,131
- Is that Mel?
-Yeah.
219
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:02,450
- You nearly killed him as well.
-Oh, my God!
220
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,766
Yeah.
221
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,850
It's been a funny kind of a day.
222
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,008
(GEOFF GROANING)
223
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,210
Geoff, what you doing?
You can't get out of bed.
224
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,689
Wait until you've seen a doctor,
you might be paralysed.
225
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:29,001
Mel, I don't know
if you can hear me, but...
226
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,090
It's Geoff. I'm really sorry.
227
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,407
(STUTTERING)
I didn't mean to land on you.
228
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,444
Me parachute just got out of control
229
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,289
which is unusual, 'cause, actually,
230
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:43,485
I'm East Lancashire's Indoor Paragliding Champion,
three years unbeaten.
231
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,443
Anyway, listen, mate,
232
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,561
you're gonna pull through, all right?
233
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:53,683
Just hang on in there
234
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:58,168
and, believe me,
you're gonna pull through.
235
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,801
Oh, baby Jesus, don't let him die!
236
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,810
A young man in his prime,
his whole life ahead of him.
237
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,170
It's not fair, it's just not fair.
238
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,244
Why didn't you take me?
239
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,603
Dear God in Heaven,
why didn't you take me?
240
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,408
Don't upset yourself, son.
241
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,047
(MEL CHOKING)
242
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:31,847
Yes! Yes! That's it!
243
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,280
Give him life!
Oh, sweet Lord, give him life!
244
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,526
(GEOFF EXCLAIMING)
245
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,205
- I think he's choking.
-Shit!
246
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,881
Come, on mate, you're all right.
247
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,084
Big breaths,
248
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,568
big, deep breaths.
249
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,205
(MEL GASPING)
250
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,765
That's it.
251
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,403
You!
252
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,000
- There's no need to thank me.
-Thank you?
253
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,043
Bloody thank you? Come here.
254
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,286
(GEOFF CHOKING)
255
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,802
Mel, what are you doing?
256
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,129
Mel! Mel, I can't breathe!
257
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,321
(ALARM SOUNDING)
258
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,205
I know you can't breath,
that's 'cause I'm gonna kill you.
259
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,448
I'm gonna bloody kill you!
260
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,130
(MEL GRUNTING)
261
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,970
(DOCTOR SIGHS)
262
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,771
- So, Mr Widdle.
-Uh, Weedon.
263
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:44,409
As requested, I have given your wife
a full physical examination
264
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:49,082
and I can assure you she is
100% fit and healthy to fly.
265
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,929
- I am in the room, you know.
-Shh.
266
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,646
MARTIN: Right,
and it won't affect the baby?
267
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:54,841
What baby is this?
268
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,246
My wife is pregnant.
269
00:15:56,360 --> 00:16:00,809
If there is one thing I am certain of
it's that your wife is not pregnant.
270
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,606
No, I'm sorry,
there must be some mistake.
271
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,210
You mean this is not your wife?
272
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,051
No, this is my wife and
we already know she's pregnant.
273
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:13,484
I just wanted to make absolutely certain
that she is fit and healthy to fly.
274
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,887
Pregnant women fly all the time,
275
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,765
however, your wife
will not be one of them.
276
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,321
But the other doctor said that you were.
277
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,126
Well...
278
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:29,485
Mrs Widdle, did you supply this
other doctor with a urine sample?
279
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,008
- No.
-DOCTOR: I see.
280
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:37,842
So, on what medical facts
did he confirm this pregnancy?
281
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,567
Well, I said I'd been feeling
sick and tired,
282
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,251
and he said...
283
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:47,765
He said what?
284
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,084
He said, "Don't go any further,
285
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,965
"I can tell just by looking at you
that you're pregnant."
286
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,562
You met a doctor
who could tell you were pregnant
287
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,967
just by looking at you?
288
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:05,324
My goodness, now I feel such a fool
for investing in all this equipment.
289
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,681
I said it was impossible what with
my husband's low sperm count,
290
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,370
but he said he had a gift,
291
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,768
and in 20 years of being a doctor,
he'd never been wrong.
292
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,809
Tell me just how low
is your sperm count?
293
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,730
Anything under 20 million per millilitre
294
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:26,768
and it is highly unlikely that you
would be, how you say, up to the job.
295
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:29,726
Um...
296
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,683
(SOFTLY) It's three million.
297
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,245
I'm sorry?
298
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,401
Three million.
299
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,050
(LAUGHING)
300
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,605
Three million!
301
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,769
My goodness!
As far as a baby is concerned,
302
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,611
as Les Dennis used to say in
Family Fortunes;
303
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,041
"If it's up there,
I'll give you the money myself!"
304
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,322
(DOCTOR LAUGHING)
305
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,405
You are okay?
306
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,804
I've been handcuffed,
locked-up, interrogated,
307
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:13,970
and intimately strip-searched for drugs
by a short man with big hands.
308
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,286
Would you be okay?
309
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,368
Your wife, she is not here?
310
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,086
No, Madge has probably
dragged her to the hospital.
311
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,646
No, I just called the hospital,
they are not there.
312
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,888
(SIGHS) Well, where are they, then?
313
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,129
Let us go back to the Solana.
They are most probably there.
314
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,242
- Jump on.
-Aye, all right.
315
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,886
Put your arms around me.
316
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,048
-(SCOFFS) No chance.
-Okay. Suit yourself.
317
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,480
(MICK EXCLAIMS)
318
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:50,727
(ENGINE STOPS)
319
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:12,481
(AIR HISSING)
320
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,728
Oh, my God, what's he gonna do now!
321
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,524
I have a bit of a slow puncture
in the rear off-side tyre,
322
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,608
I just have to top it up.
323
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,562
(AIR HISSING)
324
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:06,407
Hiya, love, we just wanted
to say thanks for the lift,
325
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:08,204
we can make our own way from here.
326
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,367
Get back in the car.
327
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,845
What do you think you're playing at?
328
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,928
What are we doing up here?
329
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:19,087
Oh, here we are, here's our lift,
thanks for everything.
330
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,487
- Get back in the car.
-Jesus Christ.
331
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,443
Inside the car, mother, get in the car!
332
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,721
(MADGE MUMBLING)
333
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,127
- Get in the car.
-All right. All right.
334
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,601
(MADGE EXCLAIMS)
335
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,129
- I need to speak to Janice.
-Go home, little boy.
336
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,403
Janice, it's not too late,
you can still come with me.
337
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,846
- Who are you?
-Who I am is not your concern.
338
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,930
Yeah? You think
you're a big man, don't you?
339
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,328
Well, I'll tell you something,
that's the woman I love in there,
340
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,688
and there's nothing you can say
or do that will...
341
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:52,847
Fucking hell!
342
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,087
(CAR HORN CONTINUOUSLY HONKING )
343
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:53,049
Look, we haven't got any money,
so can you just let us go, please?
344
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,124
You are here on holiday?
345
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,608
Oh, no. We come here to do a bloody
paper round, what do you think?
346
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,927
For Christ's sake, mother,
he's got a gun.
347
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,929
Oh, he's just some sort of simpleton.
348
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:08,170
Look at him, you can tell
by his hair cut and his clothes.
349
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,930
You are one to talk.
350
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,441
I won't tell you again, mother, shut up.
351
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,483
Listen to your daughter, old woman.
352
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,523
You never know,
353
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:22,090
her advice just might save your life.
So, now you can help me.
354
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,404
Where are you staying?
355
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:28,206
I need to add a little something
to your excess baggage.
356
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:42,244
Okay, we are getting out
of the car very slowly.
357
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,761
Stay close to me
and you will not get hurt.
358
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,370
And what if we don't?
359
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,881
- Then you will die.
-Is that the best you can do?
360
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,685
Mother, please,
let's just do what he says.
361
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,131
You think because you've got a gun,
362
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,607
you've got the upper hand with us,
don't you?
363
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,887
- Yes.
-Well, I'll tell you, now,
364
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,684
you don't scare me.
365
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,610
We used to have a saying
about your type during the war,
366
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,530
"Them that thinks they're summat,
will always amount to nowt,
367
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,211
"come Spring Bank Holiday."
368
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,971
- What is she talking about?
-I have no idea.
369
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,050
You may have no respect
for your own life, old woman,
370
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,801
what about your children, huh?
Your grandchildren?
371
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,247
So, now we understand each other.
372
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,210
Oh, hello!
373
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,122
How did you get on at the hospital?
374
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,527
Oh, okay, thanks, everything's okay.
375
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,563
Oh, lovely.
376
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,407
And your fella sorted it all out
with the police?
377
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,728
Yeah, all sorted.
378
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:06,807
Lovely!
379
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,409
'Cause I'm not being racist,
380
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:14,570
but the Spanish can be
a bunch of nutters, can't they?
381
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,002
Oh, I'm sorry,
your friend's not Spanish, is he?
382
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,043
- Yeah.
-No, he's, uh...
383
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,723
He's me cousin, Derek.
384
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,731
Hiya.
385
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,286
Oh! You came out for the wedding!
386
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,811
(EXCLAIMS)
387
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,730
Hasn't he got big hands?
388
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,606
Are you coming out
to the pool for a drink?
389
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,722
I shouldn't have had champagne,
390
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:43,526
It's gone straight to my head,
that's your fault!
391
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:47,565
- No, we're, um, going upstairs.
-Oh, right.
392
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,891
What? All of you?
393
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:52,727
Yeah.
394
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,284
Oh, I see,
395
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,563
you're all "going upstairs",
396
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,842
all of you, together.
397
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,001
Yeah.
398
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:05,090
I must say I do admire you.
399
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:10,001
Donald's got a cousin
I wouldn't mind having a go with,
400
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:13,249
but he's very old-fashioned
like that, you know.
401
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:16,648
Draws the line at blood relatives.
402
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,923
Which is a real shame,
because, apparently,
403
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:23,681
he's got a nob like a draught excluder.
404
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,168
- All right, see you later.
-Yeah, don't let me stop you.
405
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:39,571
Hey, don't do anything I wouldn't do!
406
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,409
That doesn't leave much!
407
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,644
What are you doing?
408
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,649
You can't go.
They haven't discharged you.
409
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:54,047
Do I look like the kind of man who sits
around waiting to be told what to do?
410
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,128
The dinners are supposed
to be dead good here.
411
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,651
It'll take a lot more
than a bang on me head
412
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,809
to keep me in hospital
on the last day of me holiday.
413
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,408
Enjoy your dinner.
414
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,689
What are you doing? You can't leave.
415
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,406
The doctor thinks
you might have percussion.
416
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,488
I'm not staying here on me own.
417
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,002
You won't be on your own, son.
You've got me.
418
00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:21,566
Do us a favour,
have a look at that menu.
419
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,604
If it's jelly today,
ask them for a doggy bag.
420
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,202
Do you know, I could sup these
all day and not get drunk.
421
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:37,367
(DONALD CHUCKLES)
422
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,131
They're mainly fruit, aren't they?
423
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:41,480
Are you going home tomorrow?
424
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,204
Well, we're supposed to be.
425
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,971
Yeah, I'm sure
everything will be all right.
426
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,445
When do you go home, Donald?
427
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,324
Oh, we've got another three days.
428
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,603
There's a new cinema
opened just outside Benidorm.
429
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:58,124
It shows, well, films
for the broad-minded, shall we say.
430
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,811
Jacqueline and I thought
we'd check it out.
431
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:05,604
Forrest Hump, on Golden Blonde.
432
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,446
Sleeping with the Enema
433
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,450
or Jurassic Pork!
434
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,130
Up to you.
435
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,728
CHANTELLE: Dad!
MICHAEL: Dad! Dad!
436
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:18,490
Hey!
437
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,122
Where the bleeding hell have you been?
Get behind this bar now.
438
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,004
Dad, are you all right?
We've been worried about you.
439
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,531
What happened? Are you okay?
440
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:27,130
Dad! Don't go away again!
441
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,401
I want to go home!
442
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:30,602
That woman
with the funny face is scaring me.
443
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,371
Hey, calm down.
You're all right, I'm here now.
444
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,562
- Where's me mam?
-I don't know. I've not seen her.
445
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:37,682
She wasn't at
the police station with you?
446
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,040
No.
447
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,323
He went with me mam and me
nana to get them a taxi.
448
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,728
Hey, where did they get this taxi from?
449
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,650
- It wasn't exactly a taxi.
-What do you mean?
450
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,842
- It was a man.
-What man? A mate of yours?
451
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,328
Just a man with a car.
452
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:59,250
You let my wife get into a car
with someone you don't know!
453
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:04,890
In Benidorm, there are no strangers,
just friends you haven't met yet.
454
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:08,243
What bloody Christmas cracker
did you get that out of?
455
00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:12,160
Are you talking about your wife, Jenny?
456
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,681
- Janice.
-That's it.
457
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:19,727
Oh, she's all right,
I saw her earlier with her cousin Derek.
458
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,842
She hasn't got a cousin called Derek.
459
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,247
I think you'll find she has!
460
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,963
JANICE: Help! Help me!
461
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,161
(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)
462
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,169
Please help! Help! Help!
463
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:31,566
(MADGE YELLING)
464
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:33,364
Jesus!
465
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:37,488
- Mam!
-Go with 'em, soft lad!
466
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,921
Uh, can you keep an eye on me kids?
467
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:42,725
Jacqueline, keep an eye on the kiddies.
468
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:43,966
Come on, boys.
469
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:45,241
MICHAEL: Dad!
470
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:47,164
(MADGE SCREAMING)
471
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,762
(EXCLAIMS) Gang bang!
472
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:56,890
(MICK PANTING)
473
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:00,124
MICK: Come on, come on!
TROY: It's stuck on 13.
474
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,005
- What number are you on?
-13!
475
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,009
The stairs!
476
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:09,128
Where are the stairs to the apartments?
477
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,605
Hey, I'm asking you,
where are the stairs?
478
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,522
Oh, you've got to be taking the piss,
you bloody work here!
479
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,484
I think "work" might be something
of an overstatement.
480
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,001
There is a man with a gun
up there with my wife!
481
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:23,202
- And your mother-in-law.
-Yeah, whatever.
482
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,450
Ah, this way.
483
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,730
I don't really do stairs.
484
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:29,361
Why did you have to make trouble?
485
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,166
Oh, frig off back to where you came
from, you big long streak of piss.
486
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,806
Mother, he's pointing a gun at us!
487
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,730
This time, old woman, you go too far.
488
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:43,562
I have been very reasonable, but,
now, things are going to turn very ugly.
489
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,162
Going to? You look like you've been hit
in the face with a shovel as it is.
490
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:48,327
She didn't mean that.
491
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,568
She's not had a cigarette all day.
492
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,684
Not ugly, like a face.
493
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:57,441
I mean, ugly, like a bad thing, like...
494
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:00,529
Is she always like this?
495
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:01,971
Yeah.
496
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,523
- How many more flights?
-Just keep going.
497
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:10,727
I asked you to do something very simple.
498
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,844
Just one small bag,
499
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,167
but you make trouble.
500
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:19,523
We've told you we can't look after
your bag, we're going home tomorrow.
501
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:23,122
So now you must take
care of my merchandise
502
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,764
another way.
503
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,281
- What do you mean?
-Internally.
504
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,688
- It is perfectly safe.
-Oh, she'll never swallow that.
505
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,371
You think I fell off
the last trolley bus!
506
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:38,005
"Perfectly safe"?
507
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:40,646
I know exactly what that is. It's drugs.
508
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:42,925
Well, we're having
nothing to do with it.
509
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:44,804
You can stick 'em up your arse.
510
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:49,720
Now we are beginning to
understand each other.
511
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:51,171
Huh?
512
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:56,881
(HANGING ON DOOR)
513
00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:00,641
MICK: Janice. Janice, are you all right?
514
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,206
Can you open the door?
515
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:07,525
All right, stand back.
516
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:12,086
(MICK EXCLAIMS)
517
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,124
- Fucking hell.
- Are you okay?
518
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,489
- Yeah.
-Here, let me have a go.
519
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:21,605
No. No, it's my wife in there.
520
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,281
Come on. You can do it.
521
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:28,920
(MICK SCREAMS)
522
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:30,767
(EXCLAIMS)
523
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,443
- Hey, maybe we should use this?
-What's that?
524
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:38,847
It is my pass key.
525
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:41,685
You dickhead!
526
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:42,881
(MICK GROANS)
527
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,606
Come here, give us it here.
528
00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:08,641
- Oh, my God!
-It's all right.
529
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:11,449
It's all right.
530
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,887
Look, mate, we don't want any trouble.
531
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:17,331
It's a bit bloody late for that.
532
00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:18,487
(DONALD PANTING)
533
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:21,126
Sorry about that.
These stairs are a killer...
534
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:23,208
Oh, my goodness!
535
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,721
(SIGHING) I'm sweating moisturiser.
536
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:32,122
Hey, fat man, do yourself a favour
and tell your wife to shut up.
537
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:35,566
Wife? How dare you?
538
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:37,404
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
539
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:43,281
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
there has been a change of plan.
540
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,281
It's definitely him.
He was on that balcony up there.
541
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:56,050
What's happening? Where's Madge?
What's going on?
542
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:57,844
Look, they're going onto the roof.
543
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:01,248
Who's going on the roof?
What's going on?
544
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:10,923
Mel. Where you going?
545
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,002
I'm going to get my wife.
546
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:32,362
I can't see them any more, can you?
547
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:33,527
KATE: No.
548
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:37,361
I hope they haven't
jumped off the other side.
549
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:39,170
Why on earth would they do that?
550
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:40,964
I don't know.
551
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:44,766
Nobody seems to know
anything about this fella,
552
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,884
this Spaniard who's got them up there.
553
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,571
I've not seen him at breakfast.
554
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:54,446
Well, I thought it was a cousin,
but, apparently,
555
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:59,009
Madge and her daughter couldn't
get a cab back from the beach,
556
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,521
so they ended up having to get a lift
557
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,210
from this bloke,
558
00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,529
who turned out
to be a nutter with a gun.
559
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:08,881
Oh, my God.
560
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,924
I think they've shut the bar.
561
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,442
(SOBBING) Oh, my goodness!
562
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,006
Hey, come on, don't get upset.
563
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:21,806
I'm pretty sure
the bar inside is still open.
564
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,126
Mel, do you need a hand?
565
00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:39,969
Get down, you fool.
566
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:42,887
How you gonna get on the roof?
567
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:44,206
They're not letting
anybody use the lifts.
568
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,722
I can see that.
Right, this is what we're gonna do.
569
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,041
The lifts are at 12 o'clock,
the stairs are at 10 o'clock.
570
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,687
I need you to create a diversion
at approximately 8 o'clock.
571
00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,724
Nice one, so we meet
back here at about what?
572
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,891
-7:50?
-Not 8:00 tonight, you idiot,
573
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:02,286
8 o'clock on the clock face.
574
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,971
- Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Right, after three.
575
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:07,128
- One...
-Hang on...
576
00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,607
- So the lifts are at 12 o'clock.
-Yeah.
577
00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:12,083
The door to the stairs is at 10 o'clock.
578
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:13,361
That's right.
579
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:17,883
So, wouldn't the diversion be
better at about quarter past five?
580
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,446
Where do you get the "quarter past"
bit from? Look, it's easy.
581
00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:22,642
The lifts are at 12 o'clock,
stairs are at 10 o'clock,
582
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,250
we need the diversion at 8 o'clock.
583
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,250
Right, got it. Hang on a minute.
584
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,287
Where's the middle of the clock?
585
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:35,811
What the hell's that
got to do with anything?
586
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,685
What are you doing?
This area has been evacuated.
587
00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:41,485
You cannot stay here.
Make your way outside.
588
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,090
Yeah, all right.
589
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,567
Come on, let's go, move, move!
590
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:49,685
All right, we're going.
"Where's the middle of the clock?"
591
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:52,606
Dickhead.
592
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:57,202
ENRIQUE: Oh, no, no, no.
593
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:13,685
This is all your fault.
594
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:16,804
I don't think there's much point
apportioning blame at this stage.
595
00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:18,490
- Who asked you?
-It wasn't his fault.
596
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,762
It was me mother's,
she got in the fella's car.
597
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:22,769
MADGE: Oh, yes, that's right, blame me.
598
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:24,803
I suppose it's my fault
he's got a gun and all.
599
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,570
- Be quiet.
-Piss off.
600
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:28,364
Oh, my God,
she's going to get us all kllled!
601
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:29,766
I will not tell you again.
602
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,247
Any more trouble and I will start
to throw bodies off the roof.
603
00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:35,284
Don't make me laugh,
you couldn't throw your voice.
604
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:37,448
ALL: Shut up!
605
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,247
Oh! How did you get on?
606
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,208
They wouldn't let us in.
607
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:50,767
Really? Don't they know who you are?
608
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:52,370
Did you see me mam and dad?
609
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,280
I didn't darling, but don't you worry,
I'm gonna sort everything out.
610
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,410
Can I borrow your bat?
611
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,249
Yeah, if you want.
612
00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:04,922
Mel, why is everyone on the roof?
613
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:06,405
Oh, they're just up there sunbathing.
614
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,090
You know how your nana likes the sun.
615
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,089
Is that man with the gun
sunbathing as well?
616
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,611
He's not stupid.
617
00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:16,123
If anything happens to me mam, me dad
and me nana, will you look after us?
618
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:21,802
Nothing's gonna happen to your mam
and dad or your nana.
619
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:25,563
- Mel?
-Yes, Michael.
620
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:28,965
My dad said I'm not allowed
to call you granddad,
621
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,128
but I miss not having a granddad.
622
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:34,044
Well, I tell you what,
when all this is finished,
623
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:37,289
we'll have a chat to your dad and
ask him if you can call me granddad.
624
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,209
And if he still says no,
625
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:43,530
well, every time you call me Mel,
626
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,281
we'll know you really mean granddad.
It'll be our secret.
627
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,483
- How cool is that?
-Yeah, that's real cool.
628
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:51,761
Cool.
629
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:55,441
(MEL CLICKING TONGUE)
630
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:56,966
Back in a bit.
631
00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,600
He is such a wanker.
632
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:19,564
I can't just sit here.
633
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:22,524
- What time is it now!
-We've been here for two hours.
634
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:25,246
My throat feels like a nun's crotch.
635
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:27,089
What's he waiting for?
636
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,168
I think he is waiting for
the police to call him back.
637
00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:31,169
(EXCLAIMS) We're gonna be here for days.
638
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:33,601
DONALD: Listen, I've got a plan.
639
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,563
Anybody got a mobile phone with them?
640
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,045
Yeah, mine's in my pocket.
641
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,891
What say we call him
and pretend to be the police?
642
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:42,128
We tell him we will agree
to all his demands
643
00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:45,403
and there is a car downstairs
waiting to take him to the airport.
644
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,211
As he leaves, the real police grab him,
645
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,290
and we all get down off the roof safely.
646
00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:52,970
Yeah, that's brilliant.
647
00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,162
Although, do you think when
we ask for his mobile number,
648
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,726
he might start to smell a rat?
649
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:01,526
Or we casually ask him
for his name and address
650
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,608
and secretly ring directory enquiries?
651
00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:05,245
Oh, shut up.
652
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:08,640
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
653
00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:11,411
(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
654
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:14,603
What's he saying? Who's he talking to?
655
00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,165
He is talking to the police.
656
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,282
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
657
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,607
He is asking, "Where is my helicopter?"
658
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:23,326
- Is like aeroplane, but...
-Helicopter.
659
00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:25,010
Yeah, we worked that one out, thank you.
660
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,407
(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
661
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,124
"I will wait no longer."
662
00:39:29,240 --> 00:39:32,369
(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
663
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,244
"You think I will not kill my hostages?"
664
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:36,328
(ENRIQUE SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
665
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:38,169
"You are wrong."
666
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,682
(SOBBING) Oh, my God,
we're all gonna die!
667
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:44,610
-We're all gonna die!
-Mother, calm down.
668
00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:46,449
(MADGE CRYING)
669
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:49,689
(JANICE SHUSHING)
670
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:54,322
- What are you doing?
-Somebody has to do something.
671
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,728
GAVIN: Oh, no, you don't!
TROY: Gavin, what you doing?
672
00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:59,524
- Sit down.
-You come up here
673
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,450
In your charity shop clothes
and your feathered bob,
674
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:05,291
waving a gun around like
Annie Oakley with a shaving rash.
675
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,721
And you expect us to just
sit here and do nothing?
676
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,046
- Sit down.
-Oh, my God!
677
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,401
- He's gonna get himself killed.
-He's gonna get us all killed.
678
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:12,726
I, for one, say no.
679
00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,969
Oh, no. I am far too young to die at...
680
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:18,447
Let's say late thirties, early forties.
681
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,803
I've not even started living.
I've not learned to drive yet.
682
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:23,285
I've never been to Venice.
683
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:26,324
Jesus Christ,
I've not even seen Liza in concert!
684
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:27,646
I think he's got heat stroke.
685
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:29,410
Gavin, please sit down!
686
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,171
Do you think you have the right
to hold these people hostage?
687
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:34,806
Good, honest people,
who have worked hard all year
688
00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:36,888
to have a week in the sun?
689
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:39,482
Tell your wife to sit down.
690
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:45,162
How many times do I have to tell you?
I am not a woman.
691
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:47,123
(GUN FIRING)
692
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:48,480
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
693
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,128
(CRYING)
694
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,321
He's all right, he's just fainted.
695
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,165
My God, they have sent him a helicopter!
696
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,763
Enjoy the rest of your hollday!
697
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:58,321
Don't worry, we will.
698
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:08,689
Bloody hell, it's Bruce Willis!
699
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:36,011
- Oh, Mel!
-You didn't think I'd leave you here, did you?
700
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:41,650
It's all right, Princess, I'm here.
701
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:44,963
You took your time, didn't you?
702
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,005
- Oh, they're not bad, these burgers.
-Very good.
703
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:05,805
Anything'd taste nice
after having nothing to eat all day.
704
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,800
Me stomach thinks me throat's been cut.
705
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:10,771
Talk about wishful thinking.
706
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:14,891
Any chance of getting that helicopter
again to take us home, Mel?
707
00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:17,844
You've gotta be joking. D'you know how much it
costs to hire that thing for 20 minutes?
708
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:18,927
No, go on.
709
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:27,762
Very little, when you compare it to what
I might have lost if I hadn't.
710
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:31,521
I couldn't believe it.
It was like something out of a film.
711
00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:34,769
- I wish I could go on a helicopter.
-Leave it to me.
712
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,483
- Really?
-Absolutely.
713
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,523
Oh. cool. Thanks. Gra...
714
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,685
Thanks, Mel.
715
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:49,806
Shame they haven't opened Neptunes.
716
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:54,489
- I'd picked out me karaoke song.
-What were you gonna sing?
717
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,729
Young, Gifted and Black.
718
00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,161
I've always loved that song.
719
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:02,248
It reminds me of your father.
720
00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:07,603
So, home tomorrow.
721
00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:11,081
Thank God this has all come to an end.
722
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:13,851
The holiday, you mean?
723
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,640
How are you doing, my hero?
724
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:27,526
I think I was more Blunderwoman
than Superman.
725
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:29,768
That was a nasty bump
on the head you got.
726
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:32,406
I think we should go back
to the hospital for a second opinion.
727
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:34,363
That doctor didn't even examine you.
728
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:38,246
I think he recognised a man at the
very peak of his physical fitness.
729
00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:42,524
Yeah. He did say In 20 years as a doctor
he'd never been wrong.
730
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:49,481
Ladies and gentlemen, the police
have given the all clear
731
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:52,888
- for you to go back to your rooms.
- (ALL EXCLAIM)
732
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:55,970
- About time!
-What, is that it?
733
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:58,208
- What do you mean?
-After the day we've had today!
734
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,049
That's it? Say no more about it?
735
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,370
Look, I'm not supposed to mention
this yet, but I've been on the phone
736
00:45:04,480 --> 00:45:07,245
to the powers that be
and there has been talk of offering
737
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:10,489
everyone who was involved
in today's unfortunate event
738
00:45:10,600 --> 00:45:13,763
a free week's holiday
at the Solana next year.
739
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:18,442
Ha! If you think any of us would come
back on holiday here, free or not,
740
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:21,530
- you must be joking!
- Hear, hear.
741
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,722
- You can count us in on that.
-Absolutely!
742
00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:26,923
You can stick your holiday
where the monkey keeps it's nuts.
743
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:29,281
- Quite right.
- Fair enough.
744
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:32,289
Whoa, hang on a minute!
745
00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:36,168
What time next year?