1
00:00:53,090 --> 00:00:55,760
Bobby-boy,
stay while mommy picks up free cheese.

2
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,050
This will keep the sun out of your eyes

3
00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:01,930
Be good.

4
00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:10,400
Don't you fucking move,
you little shit machine.

5
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,150
Mama's gonna try to score.

6
00:01:17,190 --> 00:01:20,160
Excuse me, who's watching these babies?

7
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,620
The fat one's watching the little one?

8
00:01:22,660 --> 00:01:24,910
Nice parenting.

9
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,420
Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.

10
00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:29,710
Fuck you, you fucking square!

11
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,630
Yeah, keep on trucking.

12
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,260
Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
how to fucking raise you?

13
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:35,720
What a fucker man.

14
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,170
Who does he think he fucking is?

15
00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,220
What's the worst
that could fucking happen to you

16
00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,430
standing in front of a store?

17
00:01:40,590 --> 00:01:41,680
Fuck!

18
00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:46,140
Fuck.

19
00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:49,560
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

20
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,810
Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
mother-motherfuck-fuck.

21
00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:54,900
Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
no inch, no inch.

22
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:56,860
One, two, one-two-three-four.

23
00:01:57,030 --> 00:01:58,610
No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,

24
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:02,200
Smoking weed, smoking weed,
doing coke, drinking beers.

25
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,030
Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.

26
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,990
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.

27
00:02:10,870 --> 00:02:12,500
Let me have a nickel bag.

28
00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:16,420
Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.

29
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:20,300
If that money doesn't show,
then you owe me, owe me, owe.

30
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:24,090
My Jungle Love.
Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!

31
00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:26,760
I think I want to know you, know you.

32
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,310
What the hell are you singing?

33
00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:31,100
You don't know "Jungle Love"?

34
00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:32,600
That shit is the mad notes.

35
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:33,900
Written by God herself...

36
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:37,110
and handed down to
the greatest band in the world.

37
00:02:37,270 --> 00:02:39,150
The motherfucking Time.

38
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,900
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?

39
00:02:41,070 --> 00:02:41,940
Yeah, "Purple Rain."

40
00:02:42,110 --> 00:02:45,030
That shit was so gay.
Fucking 80's style.

41
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,580
Don't never say an unkind word
about "The Time".

42
00:02:50,660 --> 00:02:53,120
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives...

43
00:02:53,290 --> 00:02:54,460
around Morris Day and Jerome.

44
00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:57,580
I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...

45
00:02:57,630 --> 00:03:00,590
and tubby here is my black man-servant.

46
00:03:00,710 --> 00:03:01,460
What?

47
00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:03,800
What did tell you two about
dealing in front of the store?

48
00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:07,470
Drop the kid and pedal your
wares someplace else, burn-boy.

49
00:03:08,850 --> 00:03:11,760
And for the record,
"The Time" sucked ass.

50
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,810
Want to hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick-Stop boy?

51
00:03:20,230 --> 00:03:21,770
Are you supposed to be here today?

52
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,360
Don't get me started.

53
00:03:23,530 --> 00:03:25,530
Can't we do something
about those two stoners...

54
00:03:25,650 --> 00:03:27,360
hanging around outside
the store all the time?

55
00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:28,740
Why? What did they do now?

56
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:30,700
I'm trying to watch
"Clash Of The Titans"

57
00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:31,450
and all I can hear is...

58
00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,080
those two screaming about
Morris Day at the top of their lungs.

59
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,580
I thought the fat one
didn't talk that much.

60
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:38,920
What, am I producing
an A and E biography about them?

61
00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:42,790
Two packs of wraps.
How is the service?

62
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,630
What service?

63
00:03:44,710 --> 00:03:46,380
The one at the Unitarian Church
last week...

64
00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:48,470
where you two got married to each other

65
00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:50,050
What the hell are you talking about?

66
00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:52,010
Jay said you guys had a
"Star Wars" theme wedding...

67
00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:54,430
and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm Troopers.

68
00:03:54,510 --> 00:03:56,770
And he says you're the bitch
and you're butch.

69
00:03:56,890 --> 00:03:58,180
I'm the bitch?

70
00:03:58,310 --> 00:03:59,890
If we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.

71
00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:00,940
Will you shut up?

72
00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,440
Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.

73
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,110
That does it.

74
00:04:05,230 --> 00:04:07,570
I am gonna do something about
these two stoner fucks...

75
00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:09,530
I should've done a long time ago.

76
00:04:11,740 --> 00:04:13,490
What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?

77
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:17,120
We got a report of two guys hanging
around a store selling pot.

78
00:04:17,330 --> 00:04:18,910
We don't smoke pot.

79
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,830
No pot? What do you use this for?

80
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,000
I have a wiping problem,
I stick those little pieces of paper...

81
00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:28,010
over my brown eye and bam!
- No shit stains on my undies.

82
00:04:28,170 --> 00:04:29,800
You don't believe me? I'll show you.

83
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,010
Check this out.

84
00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:33,390
Just spread my cheeks and
you can see the stink nuggets.

85
00:04:33,470 --> 00:04:35,640
Pull up your fucking pants, sir.

86
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,760
Now!

87
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,270
Let's go.
We're going down to the station.

88
00:04:41,310 --> 00:04:44,060
What, is it a crime to fart?
Motherfucker

89
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,610
No fucking way!

90
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,570
Dante and Randal slapped you
with a restraining order?

91
00:04:49,730 --> 00:04:51,440
Ain't that about a bitch?

92
00:04:51,490 --> 00:04:53,200
Are you gonna abide by
the court's ruling...

93
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,450
or are you gonna go bandit,
Reynold's style?

94
00:04:55,610 --> 00:04:57,910
Judge said if we go within
a hundred feet of the store...

95
00:04:58,070 --> 00:04:59,620
we get thrown into County.

96
00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:01,450
You know what they make you do
in County?

97
00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,660
Toss the salad.

98
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,750
If you guys really wanted to hang out
in front of a convenience store...

99
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,670
you could buy your own with all that
money you guys made.

100
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,920
Hell, yeah, bitch.

101
00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,340
Wait a second-what money?

102
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,260
The money from the Bluntman
And Chronic movie.

103
00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,270
Oh my God,
don't tell me you have no idea...

104
00:05:21,390 --> 00:05:23,390
that there's a movie being made of
the comic...

105
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,600
you two were the basis for?

106
00:05:25,770 --> 00:05:28,020
What? Since when?

107
00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:31,980
Here's the pulse.
And this is your finger...

108
00:05:32,150 --> 00:05:35,240
far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.

109
00:05:36,450 --> 00:05:39,200
Would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?

110
00:05:40,410 --> 00:05:45,040
If you read Wizard, you'd know
that it's the top story this month.

111
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,660
Check it out.

112
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,460
When the fuck did this happen?

113
00:05:50,630 --> 00:05:52,500
After-X-Men hit at the box office...

114
00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:54,880
all the studios started buying
every comic property...

115
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,180
they could get their dirty
little hands on.

116
00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,840
Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.

117
00:05:59,970 --> 00:06:00,470
Miramax?

118
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,930
I thought
they only made classy pictures...

119
00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:05,140
like The Piano, or The Crying Game.

120
00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:08,270
Once they made She's All That,
everything went to hell.

121
00:06:08,390 --> 00:06:11,480
You're saying you haven't gotten
a monetary cut of the movie?

122
00:06:11,650 --> 00:06:13,480
Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...

123
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,280
used to pay you likeness rights
for the comic book?

124
00:06:15,490 --> 00:06:17,900
We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.

125
00:06:18,070 --> 00:06:21,070
I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...

126
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,030
owe you some of that proverbial
"fat cash".

127
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,250
If I was you guys,
I'd find Holden McNeil...

128
00:06:26,450 --> 00:06:28,080
and ask for my movie check.

129
00:06:28,290 --> 00:06:30,660
Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!

130
00:06:30,870 --> 00:06:33,340
And on that note, we cue the music.

131
00:06:50,180 --> 00:06:54,230
Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here.

132
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:59,320
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!

133
00:07:00,150 --> 00:07:01,820
Come on in.

134
00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:05,320
What brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?

135
00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:07,870
I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods.

136
00:07:07,950 --> 00:07:09,830
Where's our motherfucking movie check?

137
00:07:09,870 --> 00:07:11,750
You heard about that, huh?

138
00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:12,580
I got nothing to do with it.

139
00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:13,330
That's Banky's deal.

140
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,120
He owns the property now.

141
00:07:14,290 --> 00:07:17,040
I sold my half of the Bluntman and
Chronic rights to him years ago.

142
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,170
Why the fuck would you do
a thing like that?

143
00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:22,880
Why in Gods' name would I want to
keep writing about characters...

144
00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:26,470
whose central preoccupation is weed
and dick and fart jokes.

145
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,850
You gotta grow, man.

146
00:07:29,060 --> 00:07:31,430
Don't you want anything more
for yourself?

147
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,810
I know this poor hapless son of
a bitch does.

148
00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:38,650
I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
I see a man crying out.

149
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:40,320
He's crying out "When, Lord?"

150
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,820
When the fuck can your servant...

151
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,570
ditch this foul mouthed
little chucklehead...

152
00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:48,240
to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly.

153
00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:50,700
So much so that it prevents me
from ever getting a girl.

154
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,370
Fuck! When, Lord, when?

155
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,450
When's gonna be my time?

156
00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:58,920
He knows.

157
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,500
I'm the chucklehead?

158
00:08:00,710 --> 00:08:01,920
You're the fucking dumb ass...

159
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,040
who gave your comic away.

160
00:08:03,210 --> 00:08:05,510
Now you don't get no
fucking movie check neither.

161
00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,090
When you're right, you're right.

162
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,220
I wish I'd held on to a little piece
of that thing because...

163
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:12,600
if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
gonna make some huge bank.

164
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,180
What buzz?

165
00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:15,470
The internet buzz.

166
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,770
What the fuck is the internet?

167
00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:20,310
The internet is a communications
tool used the world over...

168
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,320
where people can come together
to bitch about movies...

169
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:23,400
and share pornography.

170
00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:26,780
Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.

171
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,570
Poop shoot, yeah.

172
00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:31,530
This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs.

173
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:35,160
Sad, pathetic little bastards living
in their parents' basement...

174
00:08:35,290 --> 00:08:38,620
downloading scripts and what
they think is inside information...

175
00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:41,420
about movies and actors that
they claim to despise yet...

176
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:42,670
can't stop discussing.

177
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,710
Okay, this is about Bluntman and Chronic.

178
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,300
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday..."

179
00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:51,680
"on their adaptation of underground
comic fav Bluntman and Chronic."

180
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:52,640
Friday? Shit.

181
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,510
Does it say who's playing us
in the movie?

182
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:55,600
No, but it's Miramax,

183
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,060
so I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

184
00:08:58,220 --> 00:08:59,560
They put them in a bunch of movies.

185
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:00,270
Who?

186
00:09:00,390 --> 00:09:02,390
Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".

187
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,650
You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?

188
00:09:04,690 --> 00:09:06,730
I wasn't a big fan either.

189
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:09,320
But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".

190
00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:12,200
Word, bitch.
"Phantoms" was a motherfucker!

191
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,370
Here we go.

192
00:09:16,450 --> 00:09:17,620
This is the shoot back section.

193
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:21,080
This is where the people get to
chime in with their two cents.

194
00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:24,790
Here's a guy with
the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...

195
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,630
opining on what he thinks about
Bluntman and Chronic.

196
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:28,460
He says...

197
00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:30,710
"Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay and Silent Bob...

198
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,880
"only work in small doses, if at all."

199
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:34,970
"They don't deserve their own movie."

200
00:09:35,130 --> 00:09:35,760
He's got a point.

201
00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:37,390
Fuck him. What's the next one say?

202
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,470
This is entitled
"Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".

203
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,350
"Bluntman and Chronic is the
worst comic I ever read."

204
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,640
"Jay and Silent Bob
are stupid characters."

205
00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:47,270
"A couple of stoners who spout
dumb ass catch phrases..."

206
00:09:47,310 --> 00:09:49,690
"like a third rate Cheech and Chong,
or Bill and Ted."

207
00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:54,990
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!"

208
00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:56,950
Who the fuck said that shit?

209
00:09:57,110 --> 00:10:00,070
He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
Check this one out.

210
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,040
"Jay and Silent Bob are one-note jokes
that only stoners laugh at."

211
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,170
"They are fucking clown shoes."

212
00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:10,090
"If they were real I'd beat the shit
out of them for being so stupid."

213
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,760
"I will be boycotting this movie.
Who is with me?"

214
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,220
Then there's fifty more posts
of people...

215
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,090
who are joining this guy's boycott.

216
00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:19,890
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.

217
00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:22,560
Let it go.
They're not talking about you guys.

218
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,430
They're talking about
Bluntman and Chronic.

219
00:10:26,730 --> 00:10:27,940
But they said Jay and Silent Bob.

220
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,100
They used our real names.

221
00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:31,270
It doesn't matter
if there's a comic version...

222
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,320
because no one knows we're real
in real life.

223
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,320
And all the people reading that
shit think the real Jay and Silent Bob...

224
00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:40,740
are a couple of jerk-offs
because of what these dick-heads...

225
00:10:40,910 --> 00:10:43,080
are writing about
the comic Jay and Silent Bob.

226
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,790
Maybe one night me and lunch-box
are making some chick and she says...

227
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:50,170
"Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.

228
00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:51,830
What're your names?"

229
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,960
And I say
"Jay and Silent Bob. Recognize."

230
00:10:55,090 --> 00:10:57,130
And she says
"I read on the internet that..."

231
00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:00,550
"you guys were a couple of
little fucking jerk-offs."

232
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,350
And then she goes and sucks
two other guys dicks off instead.

233
00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:05,260
Fuck that!

234
00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:07,140
We got to put a stop to
these fucking hateful...

235
00:11:07,350 --> 00:11:10,100
sons of bitches before they ruin
our good names.

236
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,060
First of all, I don't know
how good your names are...

237
00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:14,770
and second, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.

238
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:16,400
The internet has given everyone
in America a voice...

239
00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:18,980
and everyone in America
has chosen to use that voice...

240
00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:19,990
to bitch about movies.

241
00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,400
As long as
there's Bluntman and Chronic movie...

242
00:11:21,570 --> 00:11:24,780
the net nerds are gonna have
something negative to say.

243
00:11:24,990 --> 00:11:25,990
Wait a second.

244
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,700
If there wasn't
a Bluntman and Chronic movie...

245
00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:31,200
then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
shit about Jay and Silent Bob.

246
00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:33,960
They're not saying anything
about you now.

247
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,540
They're talking
about fictional characters.

248
00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:39,210
Fictional characters.

249
00:11:39,380 --> 00:11:42,420
Am I getting through to you at all?

250
00:11:42,460 --> 00:11:45,470
So all we gotta do is stop
the fucking movie from getting made.

251
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,890
And forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...

252
00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:51,140
that you two would be entitled to
in the process.

253
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,600
Are you fucking retarded?

254
00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:55,480
I don't think I'm alone in the world...

255
00:11:55,690 --> 00:11:58,480
Greedo shooting first.

256
00:11:58,650 --> 00:12:02,070
A Jay and Silent Bob movie?

257
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,030
Who'd pay to see that?

258
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,370
But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you...

259
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:15,000
go hunt Banky down and get
your mother fucking movie check...

260
00:12:15,210 --> 00:12:17,830
as you succinctly put it,
because that's what's important, right?

261
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,670
No, Holden McNeil.

262
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,300
The important thing here
is a bunch of mother fuckers...

263
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,220
we don't even know calling us
assholes on the internet...

264
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:29,010
to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.

265
00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:31,970
Putting a stop to that is the most
important thing we could ever do.

266
00:12:32,010 --> 00:12:34,640
When is this movie getting made?

267
00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:36,100
They start this Friday.

268
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:40,400
So, if today is Tuesday,
that gives us...

269
00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:43,820
eight days.

270
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,820
Three by my count, but close.

271
00:12:45,990 --> 00:12:47,650
My bad.

272
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:51,070
Three days to stop that fucking
stupid movie from getting made.

273
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,080
C'mon, Silent Bob-
we're going to Hollywood.

274
00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:16,810
Tickets?

275
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:19,180
Since when did they start charging
for the bus?

276
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:22,560
Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every morning for free?

277
00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:27,570
This sucks balls, man.

278
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,690
How come we ain't getting no rides?

279
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,910
Because you're doing it all wrong.

280
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,870
You gotta give
the driver a little incentive.

281
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,330
Like how?

282
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:40,660
Like this.

283
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,500
But what happens when they pick
you up and you don't...

284
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:45,920
make with the head?

285
00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:47,550
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?

286
00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:50,380
Sure, if you don't make with the head.

287
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:57,930
Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
hundred miles across the country...

288
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,430
I'll take a shot in the mouth.

289
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,100
But we ain't gay.

290
00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:04,650
Don't be so suburban.

291
00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:06,110
It's the new millennium.

292
00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:09,400
Gay, straight- it's all the same now.

293
00:14:09,570 --> 00:14:11,690
There are no more lines.

294
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,200
There's a line,
and on the side of it we ain't gay.

295
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,030
All the hitchers do this.

296
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,240
Why do you think people pick us up?

297
00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:22,450
If you get a ride, it's expected.

298
00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:24,870
I don't care who the driver is.

299
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,090
It's the first rule in the book.

300
00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:29,750
What book?

301
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,750
The unwritten book of the road.

302
00:14:48,770 --> 00:14:51,060
Follow the rules of the book...

303
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:53,360
and you'll get
where you're going in no time.

304
00:14:53,530 --> 00:14:55,230
Excuse me.

305
00:15:23,470 --> 00:15:24,930
You both don't have to sit back there.

306
00:15:25,060 --> 00:15:27,680
Why doesn't one of you come sit
next to me?

307
00:15:34,730 --> 00:15:36,020
Where are you boys from?

308
00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:37,530
New Jersey.

309
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,860
But we're on our way to Hollywood.

310
00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:41,910
Hollywood, huh? That's far away.

311
00:15:42,070 --> 00:15:44,200
Thank God you picked us up.

312
00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:47,870
Do unto others-
that's what the book says.

313
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,410
Wait a second- you follow the book too?

314
00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:52,620
I live my life by it.

315
00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:54,630
- You?
- Of course.

316
00:15:54,790 --> 00:15:57,880
So you live by the book, too?

317
00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:01,550
You picked us up, didn't you?
I have to.

318
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:03,340
That's good to hear...

319
00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:06,850
but it's a lot easier to say
you live by the book...

320
00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:09,350
than to actually do it.

321
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,520
Can you do it?
All right.

322
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:34,080
I can't believe this shit.

323
00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:35,500
Five hours and not a single ride.

324
00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:39,090
Every day people hitch to Hollywood...

325
00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:42,210
but when you and me try it's like
we're trapped in a fucking cartoon.

326
00:16:59,270 --> 00:17:00,980
Zoinks.

327
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,070
Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitchhiking ghouls.

328
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,530
Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are.

329
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,160
I don't think they are masks.

330
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,030
And I don't think
they're hitchhiking girls, either.

331
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,450
Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.

332
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:15,120
I wish they were hitchhiking girl.

333
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,660
Sexy, hitchhiking girls.

334
00:17:17,830 --> 00:17:18,630
Let's kick them out.

335
00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:20,130
We have a mystery to solve.

336
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,540
The only mystery here is
why we take our cues...

337
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,960
from a dick in a neckerchief.

338
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:25,880
Keep it up, beatnik.

339
00:17:26,010 --> 00:17:27,260
I'll feed you to the fucking dog.

340
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:30,140
I can't take all this fighting.

341
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,470
You guys need to turn those
frowns upside down.

342
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,720
And I got just the thing for that.

343
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,230
We call it...

344
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,360
doobie snacks.

345
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,960
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.

346
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,470
I think they passed out.

347
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,100
Great. What do we do with them now?

348
00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:18,600
Let's cut out their kidneys
and sell them on the black market...

349
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,730
and leave them in
a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.

350
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:31,440
You see something?

351
00:18:31,650 --> 00:18:33,070
Anything?

352
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,490
I had a horrible dream.

353
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,160
Man, I'm hungry.

354
00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:40,200
Where can we get some breakfast?

355
00:18:52,170 --> 00:18:53,340
Yeah.

356
00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:01,890
Check that shit out.

357
00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:02,980
The internet.

358
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,600
Let's see if those fucks wrote
something new about us...

359
00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,100
or that stupid-ass flick.

360
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,990
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
are gonna lick balls..."

361
00:19:13,150 --> 00:19:15,490
"because they both, in fact,
lick balls."

362
00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:16,990
Mother fucker.

363
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,820
It's time we wrote something back.

364
00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:19,950
Type this shit down.

365
00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:23,530
All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.

366
00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:27,000
You are the ones
who are the ball lickers.

367
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,710
We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry...

368
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,290
like little whiny bitches.

369
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:32,750
One we get to Hollywood...

370
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,170
and find those Miramax fucks
who are making the movie...

371
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,760
we're gonna make them eat our shit-
then shit out our shit...

372
00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:42,050
and eat their shit that's made up
of our shit that we make them eat.

373
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:45,180
And then all you mother fucks are next.

374
00:19:45,770 --> 00:19:48,190
Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

375
00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,150
That'll show those fucks.

376
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,520
Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin

377
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:54,400
then get back on the road,
go to Hollywood and stop those fucks...

378
00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:55,860
from making that movie.

379
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,690
No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.

380
00:19:57,860 --> 00:19:59,530
We keep our eye on the prize.

381
00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:01,280
And let nothing...

382
00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:03,620
and I mean nothing distract us.

383
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:16,170
Holy shit!

384
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:17,850
Oh, my God.

385
00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:19,860
Do you get free refills with that?

386
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,110
This? No, I use this for protection.

387
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,690
So that no guys try to grab my shit
or anything.

388
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:28,070
Hi, I'm Justice.

389
00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:30,450
And I am so fucking yours.

390
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,200
I mean- hi, I'm Jay.

391
00:21:33,790 --> 00:21:36,080
And this is my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob.

392
00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:37,290
It's nice to meet you.

393
00:21:37,460 --> 00:21:39,670
Justice, huh? That's a nice name.

394
00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:43,000
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...

395
00:21:43,170 --> 00:21:45,930
f-u-c-k-i-n-g.

396
00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:48,140
So you come around here often?

397
00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:50,350
I'm not from around here.

398
00:21:50,390 --> 00:21:52,390
My friends and I are on a road trip.

399
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:53,560
Friends, huh?

400
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:54,600
Where are they at?

401
00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:58,480
Out there by that van.

402
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:21,880
Hi.

403
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,750
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.

404
00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:32,140
Ladies, ladies, ladies -
Jay and Silent Bob are in the house.

405
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,850
Who the fuck are these guys?

406
00:22:35,050 --> 00:22:37,770
This is Jay and Silent Bob.

407
00:22:37,810 --> 00:22:40,430
Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.

408
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,810
Where the fuck did they come from?

409
00:22:42,980 --> 00:22:43,650
I met them inside.

410
00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:44,650
They're gonna hitch a ride.

411
00:22:45,070 --> 00:22:47,320
I don't know if that's such a good idea

412
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,240
Sure it is, Jugs.

413
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,990
Oh, my God!

414
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,700
He just called Sissy "Jugs".

415
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,570
- I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no!

416
00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:55,870
We're in the middle of suburbia.

417
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,240
Let's try and act like it.

418
00:22:57,410 --> 00:22:58,160
What's with the knife?

419
00:22:58,290 --> 00:22:59,330
We having cake or something?

420
00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:00,830
Shit.

421
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,160
He's retarded to boot.

422
00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:04,370
She called you retarded.

423
00:23:04,580 --> 00:23:05,920
What is wrong with you, Justice?

424
00:23:06,130 --> 00:23:07,670
You do remember where
we're going, don't you?

425
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,300
And we have a job to do.

426
00:23:09,340 --> 00:23:10,710
They're just gonna tag along for
a few miles.

427
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,210
They won't get in the way, I swear.

428
00:23:12,420 --> 00:23:14,930
I swear I don't know what's going on
in your fucking brain lately.

429
00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:16,550
Please?

430
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,350
Fine, they can ride with us.

431
00:23:18,470 --> 00:23:20,810
But they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.

432
00:23:20,970 --> 00:23:21,850
Honest injun.

433
00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:24,060
- Honest injun.
- Shut up.

434
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:26,060
I can't believe what a pushover you are

435
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,860
And I can't believe fine-ass
bitches like yourself eat that shit.

436
00:23:29,020 --> 00:23:31,110
Don't you know fast food
makes girls fart?

437
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,740
What's all this talk about farting?

438
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:37,070
Hi, Brent.

439
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,240
This is Brent. He's with us, too.

440
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,120
Brent, tell these sillies that
girls don't fart.

441
00:23:43,330 --> 00:23:45,620
Of course they don't.

442
00:23:45,830 --> 00:23:48,130
Only skeevy stoners fart.

443
00:23:48,420 --> 00:23:49,670
What up, homies?

444
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,090
Wow, three guys, four girls.

445
00:23:53,260 --> 00:23:55,170
What's the count, boys?

446
00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:56,510
Let's rock.

447
00:23:57,380 --> 00:23:59,890
Dear Mr. Science guy...

448
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,020
don't spray that aerosol in my eye.

449
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,850
I don't really want to die.

450
00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:12,190
I'm a noble rabbit.

451
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,360
What are you guys,
a cover band or something?

452
00:24:15,610 --> 00:24:18,030
We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-

453
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,110
Students Against Animal Cruelty.

454
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,740
We're on our way to Colorado to give
Provasik a piece of our minds.

455
00:24:25,870 --> 00:24:28,910
What the fuck
are you bitches babbling about?

456
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,580
Hey! Watch the language, little boy.

457
00:24:31,670 --> 00:24:34,130
There are females present.

458
00:24:34,290 --> 00:24:38,210
Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
a medical lab where they perform...

459
00:24:38,380 --> 00:24:40,050
gross experiments on animals.

460
00:24:40,220 --> 00:24:44,050
What kind of animals
are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos?

461
00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:45,640
No!

462
00:24:45,890 --> 00:24:49,690
More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
muskrats, beavers.

463
00:24:49,850 --> 00:24:51,560
Heck, even monkeys.

464
00:24:51,730 --> 00:24:54,020
If we don't speak up for them, who will?

465
00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:56,360
Right, Jussy?

466
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,070
Right, Brent.

467
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,950
Brent, can I talk to you over here
for a second?

468
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,670
Be honest, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?

469
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,470
I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.

470
00:25:22,430 --> 00:25:23,510
Even sheep?

471
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,590
Of course.

472
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,930
Sheep are beautiful creatures.

473
00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:28,810
They are beautiful, aren't they?

474
00:25:28,850 --> 00:25:30,520
Oh God, yes.

475
00:25:31,220 --> 00:25:32,930
So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?

476
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:35,020
What is your damage, little boy?

477
00:25:35,190 --> 00:25:37,400
You have a sick
and twisted world perspective.

478
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,940
You're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.

479
00:25:41,150 --> 00:25:43,280
I mean if you were another sheep.

480
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,200
Would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?

481
00:25:48,450 --> 00:25:51,040
Since you put it that way...

482
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:52,160
you bet your ass I would.

483
00:25:52,950 --> 00:25:55,080
I thought so.

484
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,250
This mother fucker ain't one of us.

485
00:25:57,420 --> 00:25:59,340
He said he'd fuck a sheep.

486
00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:05,260
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker?

487
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,400
- What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Shut up, I'm thinking.

488
00:26:20,230 --> 00:26:21,940
Is Hollywood near where we're going?

489
00:26:22,110 --> 00:26:23,860
Is that where you guys are from?

490
00:26:24,030 --> 00:26:24,730
Yeah, right.

491
00:26:24,990 --> 00:26:26,860
Jersey represent.

492
00:26:26,990 --> 00:26:28,820
Oh, a Jersey boy.

493
00:26:29,070 --> 00:26:31,070
What brings you all the way out here?

494
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,660
We couldn't hang around
the Quick-Stop no more...

495
00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,080
because of the restraining order.

496
00:26:34,290 --> 00:26:35,370
Which sucks ass...

497
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,080
because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
home since we were kinds.

498
00:26:38,250 --> 00:26:40,670
Silent Bob even busted his cherry there

499
00:26:40,710 --> 00:26:43,000
You did?

500
00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:46,630
I bet she was a lucky girl.

501
00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:50,390
Fuck that fat fuck!

502
00:26:50,550 --> 00:26:52,760
I'm trying to tell a story.

503
00:26:52,930 --> 00:26:54,260
Sorry.

504
00:26:54,430 --> 00:26:56,350
We were talking to Brodie...

505
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,350
and he told us about
the Bluntman and Chronic movie...

506
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,650
so we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the internet...

507
00:27:00,850 --> 00:27:03,020
and that's where we found all
those little fucking jerk-offs...

508
00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:04,060
talking shit about us.

509
00:27:04,230 --> 00:27:05,320
So we decided to go to Hollywood...

510
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,110
and stop the movie from getting made.

511
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,780
And now we're here.

512
00:27:08,900 --> 00:27:10,570
I have no idea what you just said.

513
00:27:10,650 --> 00:27:12,280
I get that a lot.

514
00:27:12,450 --> 00:27:13,820
So, you like animals, huh?

515
00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,080
Sure.

516
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,700
That's cool. Even snakes?

517
00:27:16,870 --> 00:27:19,410
You can't exclude an animal just
because they're not cuddly.

518
00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:20,950
Of course I like snakes.

519
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,080
How about trouser snakes?

520
00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:25,130
What's a trouser snake?

521
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:31,760
What the fuck are you waiting for.

522
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,840
She went for the set-up...

523
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,680
reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.

524
00:27:35,930 --> 00:27:38,140
Girls like that kind of shit.

525
00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:42,810
Right here is where the angel
is supposed to show up...

526
00:27:42,980 --> 00:27:44,310
and tell you not to pull your dick out,

527
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,150
but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
and sent him packing...

528
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,070
so it's smooth sailing.

529
00:27:49,230 --> 00:27:51,070
Let him rip, boy.

530
00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,530
"Jesus loves the little children".

531
00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:02,040
Sorry I'm late.

532
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:04,370
What's the deal?

533
00:28:05,170 --> 00:28:07,500
Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
of whipping your dick out...

534
00:28:07,710 --> 00:28:10,130
at this fine piece of woman, are you?

535
00:28:11,090 --> 00:28:14,970
Look over at Silent Bob and
see if he thinks it's a good idea...

536
00:28:15,130 --> 00:28:17,220
to whip your dick out.

537
00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:22,060
That's it. Put the dick down.

538
00:28:22,220 --> 00:28:23,480
You got to go from heart.

539
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,600
No little perv bullshit is gonna work
for this one.

540
00:28:27,770 --> 00:28:30,940
Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.

541
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,530
I gotta go beat the shit out of
two sucker punching little bitches.

542
00:28:34,690 --> 00:28:37,860
Remember- don't pull your dick out
until she asks.

543
00:28:38,410 --> 00:28:40,450
Or until she's sleeping.

544
00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:46,620
Don't ask.

545
00:28:46,830 --> 00:28:48,250
So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
like me...

546
00:28:48,330 --> 00:28:49,750
do to help the animals?

547
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:53,710
You really don't want to help us.

548
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:54,630
What are you talking about?

549
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,090
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.

550
00:28:59,050 --> 00:29:01,470
I mean youse guys-
I 'd do anything for youse guys.

551
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:03,180
Because of the lift and shit.

552
00:29:03,390 --> 00:29:08,100
Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
and get back to you.

553
00:29:08,270 --> 00:29:09,480
You do that.

554
00:29:09,690 --> 00:29:11,230
I'll be right here waiting.

555
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,120
Fuck you, fatty.

556
00:29:49,310 --> 00:29:50,850
You guys want anything from inside?

557
00:29:51,020 --> 00:29:52,100
No, we're cool.

558
00:30:18,210 --> 00:30:19,840
It just isn't the same, is it?

559
00:30:20,710 --> 00:30:23,670
This place licks balls compared to
the Quick-Stop.

560
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,380
Speaking of licking balls-
how about that Justice chick?

561
00:30:26,550 --> 00:30:27,930
She is too fine.

562
00:30:28,050 --> 00:30:30,470
And she smells so fucking pretty.

563
00:30:31,140 --> 00:30:34,270
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body!

564
00:30:34,390 --> 00:30:35,890
Fucking smoking.

565
00:30:36,060 --> 00:30:38,900
She didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talking to her...

566
00:30:39,060 --> 00:30:40,980
or pull out the pepper spray.

567
00:30:41,150 --> 00:30:44,990
You know,
lunch box-she could be the one.

568
00:30:46,740 --> 00:30:48,070
- Smooth move, Justice.

569
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:49,740
- Nice going, four eyes.

570
00:30:50,660 --> 00:30:53,080
Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
out of the van?

571
00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:55,540
If I had to listen to one more of
those stupid songs...

572
00:30:55,750 --> 00:30:57,370
I was gonna throw him out myself.

573
00:30:57,460 --> 00:30:59,040
We needed Brent.

574
00:30:59,250 --> 00:31:00,630
He was our patsy, remember?

575
00:31:00,830 --> 00:31:02,170
We'll just find someone else.

576
00:31:02,380 --> 00:31:04,550
Besides, I didn't see you try to
stop Jay from throwing him out.

577
00:31:04,710 --> 00:31:06,590
I didn't want to blow our cover.

578
00:31:06,630 --> 00:31:08,420
Cover? You all hated his songs, too.

579
00:31:08,630 --> 00:31:09,720
Not as much as I hate you.

580
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,800
We have a very simple gang.

581
00:31:11,930 --> 00:31:14,060
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl.

582
00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:17,180
But lately I'm can't figure out
what you're doing here.

583
00:31:17,350 --> 00:31:19,100
Your name doesn't even fit
the rhyme scheme.

584
00:31:19,230 --> 00:31:20,440
Since you let our patsy slip away...

585
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,230
you have to convince the little kid
and the fat guy to take his place.

586
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,360
They've gotta break into Provasik now.

587
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:29,240
You'll do it or you're out of the gang.

588
00:31:29,450 --> 00:31:31,450
Just use the little one's crush on you
to convince him...

589
00:31:31,610 --> 00:31:34,080
since he's so fucking in love with you.

590
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:35,780
Jay? No, he's not.

591
00:31:35,950 --> 00:31:36,990
Am I blind?

592
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:38,620
He wasn't kissing your hand
in the van...

593
00:31:38,830 --> 00:31:40,670
like he was Lord Byron?

594
00:31:40,870 --> 00:31:43,170
Maybe he has manners?

595
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:48,050
You ever had your asshole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?

596
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,390
We've got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.

597
00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:54,260
That'll give you plenty of time
to work on him.

598
00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:55,970
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?

599
00:31:56,140 --> 00:31:58,140
Because he's just so innocent.

600
00:31:58,310 --> 00:31:59,270
Look at him.

601
00:32:01,980 --> 00:32:02,310
Who's it gonna be?

602
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:03,940
Him or us?

603
00:32:07,150 --> 00:32:09,820
Steal a monkey? No problem.

604
00:32:10,030 --> 00:32:11,860
It's not stealing a monkey.

605
00:32:12,030 --> 00:32:14,450
It's liberating it. It's-

606
00:32:14,610 --> 00:32:15,950
Wait a second.

607
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:17,410
Did you say "no problem"?

608
00:32:17,530 --> 00:32:19,580
Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.

609
00:32:19,740 --> 00:32:21,700
Right, lunch-box?

610
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,870
It's not like it's a bad thing.

611
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,090
It's for a good cause.

612
00:32:27,250 --> 00:32:29,460
It's for the best cause, mon cheri.

613
00:32:29,550 --> 00:32:31,710
The cause of love.

614
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:34,300
Snoogens.

615
00:32:34,510 --> 00:32:35,720
What the heck is that?

616
00:32:35,930 --> 00:32:38,550
- What?
- Snoogens, I believe.

617
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,060
What the fuck do you think it means?

618
00:32:40,260 --> 00:32:42,180
It means I'm kidding.

619
00:32:42,390 --> 00:32:44,560
That's too bad.

620
00:32:51,610 --> 00:32:56,360
I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey.

621
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:00,490
If I'd known that earlier...

622
00:33:00,660 --> 00:33:03,540
I'd have been stealing monkeys
since I was seven.

623
00:33:03,580 --> 00:33:06,410
Don't, mother fucker-
don't you ruin this for me.

624
00:33:06,580 --> 00:33:08,670
Me and Justice
are gonna get married some day...

625
00:33:08,710 --> 00:33:10,750
so don't be giving me no look like
we ain't gonna steal the monkey.

626
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:12,630
I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!

627
00:33:12,670 --> 00:33:14,210
Don't forget that.

628
00:33:14,380 --> 00:33:17,590
That girl- that girl is in love with me

629
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,340
They're gonna do it.

630
00:33:19,510 --> 00:33:20,550
Good.

631
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,720
They do their part and we'll do ours.

632
00:33:38,990 --> 00:33:41,280
Remember- we meet back here
when you're done.

633
00:33:41,870 --> 00:33:42,830
Are you sure you're okay with this?

634
00:33:42,990 --> 00:33:45,790
Sure as I am that you're the hottest
bitch I've ever seen.

635
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,290
Easy...

636
00:33:47,450 --> 00:33:49,210
What's twisting this bitch's tit?

637
00:33:49,330 --> 00:33:52,670
Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.

638
00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:54,630
They don't?

639
00:33:54,790 --> 00:33:56,420
How about "fine piece of ass"?

640
00:33:56,540 --> 00:33:57,710
How about not.

641
00:33:57,880 --> 00:33:59,340
What the fuck am I supposed
to call you?

642
00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:01,300
Something sweet, you big goof.

643
00:34:01,470 --> 00:34:04,180
Something nice.

644
00:34:04,340 --> 00:34:06,390
Boo-boo kitty fuck?

645
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:10,350
Okay, that's a start.

646
00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:11,440
Jay, before you go...

647
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,150
could you say something into the camera
about the clitoris?

648
00:34:14,270 --> 00:34:16,610
- You are such a bitch!
- Shut up, Justice.

649
00:34:16,820 --> 00:34:19,440
She's a little embarrassed.

650
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,990
We're making a documentary for
a human sexuality class...

651
00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,070
and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.

652
00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:26,780
The female clitoris?

653
00:34:26,950 --> 00:34:28,200
Yeah.

654
00:34:28,370 --> 00:34:29,790
Jay, you don't have to do this.

655
00:34:29,830 --> 00:34:31,120
It's cool.

656
00:34:31,660 --> 00:34:33,410
There's a few things
I could say about the clit...

657
00:34:33,580 --> 00:34:36,090
that I'd like you to hear.

658
00:34:37,420 --> 00:34:39,800
I am the master of the clit.

659
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,840
Remember this fucking face.

660
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,720
Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.

661
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:45,430
I make that shit work.

662
00:34:45,590 --> 00:34:47,180
No one rules the clit like me.

663
00:34:47,390 --> 00:34:48,350
Not this little fuck.

664
00:34:48,550 --> 00:34:50,680
None of you little fucks out there.

665
00:34:50,850 --> 00:34:53,060
I am the clit commander.

666
00:34:53,230 --> 00:34:55,390
When it comes down
to business this is what I do.

667
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,860
I pinch it like this-
Oh, you little fuck.

668
00:34:59,610 --> 00:35:02,070
And then I rub my nose-

669
00:35:02,230 --> 00:35:04,910
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.

670
00:35:05,070 --> 00:35:05,950
I will.

671
00:35:06,110 --> 00:35:07,070
Girls.

672
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,290
Do you think I could get a little kiss
for good luck?

673
00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:21,170
Do you think I could get
a little blow job for good luck?

674
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,130
No. Go.

675
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:31,350
Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.

676
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,190
Jussy, come on.

677
00:36:23,190 --> 00:36:25,520
- Are they in?
- You could say that.

678
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,730
Time to shine. Let's go.

679
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:26,330
You are so gay.

680
00:37:33,590 --> 00:37:35,970
Once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.

681
00:37:36,470 --> 00:37:38,380
Missy whipped this up-
it counts our decibel level.

682
00:37:38,590 --> 00:37:40,350
If it goes into the red- alarm,
we're dead.

683
00:37:40,970 --> 00:37:42,720
So that means not even
the slightest noise, you got that?

684
00:37:42,850 --> 00:37:44,010
Got it.

685
00:37:54,030 --> 00:37:55,070
Justice, move your ass.

686
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,050
Check this shit out, lunch-box.

687
00:38:21,260 --> 00:38:22,300
Animal tranquilizers.

688
00:38:22,430 --> 00:38:25,260
This shit fucks you up- like percosets.

689
00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:32,480
Keep this, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it...

690
00:38:32,690 --> 00:38:35,020
and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.

691
00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,510
Suzanne.

692
00:39:01,090 --> 00:39:03,220
Boo-yah.

693
00:41:04,210 --> 00:41:06,750
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!

694
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:20,890
Boom-box.

695
00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:22,560
I can't believe it.

696
00:41:22,770 --> 00:41:23,270
Months of planning...

697
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:24,900
and it's all blown by a fart.

698
00:41:25,060 --> 00:41:26,020
We can't just leave them here.

699
00:41:26,190 --> 00:41:27,940
That alarm will bring the cops
any minute.

700
00:41:28,110 --> 00:41:29,690
That's always been the plan.

701
00:41:29,730 --> 00:41:31,280
They take the heat off us long enough
'til we can get out of town.

702
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:40,080
Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.

703
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,040
Let's go!

704
00:41:56,010 --> 00:41:57,300
What are you looking at?

705
00:41:57,340 --> 00:41:58,590
There ain't no snacks here.

706
00:41:59,140 --> 00:41:59,800
We got what we came for.

707
00:42:00,010 --> 00:42:01,560
Let's get outta here.

708
00:42:05,310 --> 00:42:06,140
I know it's sad.

709
00:42:06,310 --> 00:42:08,400
But what are we supposed
to do about it?

710
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,740
Justice, open the door!

711
00:42:22,910 --> 00:42:24,080
Oh, shit!

712
00:42:32,590 --> 00:42:34,250
Drop the bag-now!!!

713
00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,120
Justice!

714
00:43:36,270 --> 00:43:38,190
You mind if I lean that there?

715
00:43:41,780 --> 00:43:43,150
My, oh my, oh my.

716
00:43:44,990 --> 00:43:47,200
Who let the cats out?

717
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:49,450
Wait-is that-??

718
00:43:49,660 --> 00:43:51,410
Excuse me, who the hell are you?

719
00:43:52,290 --> 00:43:53,460
Federal Wildlife Marshall.

720
00:43:53,620 --> 00:43:55,750
This investigation is now
under my jurisdiction.

721
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:56,630
Really? Why is that?

722
00:43:56,790 --> 00:43:59,670
Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.

723
00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:01,500
We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic used...

724
00:44:01,670 --> 00:44:04,550
to call attention away from
the real heist at the Diamond Exchange.

725
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:07,090
Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.

726
00:44:07,140 --> 00:44:09,560
Sounds more like something out of
a bad movie.

727
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:15,980
The Provasik people say
they've rounded up all their animals...

728
00:44:16,140 --> 00:44:19,150
except for one-an orangutan.

729
00:44:20,060 --> 00:44:22,150
The most dangerous animal known to man.

730
00:44:23,190 --> 00:44:24,740
Sir,
this was just delivered to the station.

731
00:44:24,820 --> 00:44:26,320
What is it?

732
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,410
It's a tape from the terrorists who
claim responsibility for the break-in.

733
00:44:29,530 --> 00:44:31,450
Do you have a VCR?

734
00:44:31,490 --> 00:44:33,240
I am the clit commander.

735
00:44:33,450 --> 00:44:34,910
Oh, my God!

736
00:44:36,580 --> 00:44:38,080
Blafsky, it's Willenholly.

737
00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:41,170
I need you to get me on
the national news, pronto.

738
00:44:41,340 --> 00:44:43,050
Why?

739
00:44:43,210 --> 00:44:44,920
Because we may be dealing with...

740
00:44:45,090 --> 00:44:47,220
the two most dangerous men on
the planet.

741
00:44:55,930 --> 00:44:57,480
This is Jussy's monkey.

742
00:45:00,900 --> 00:45:03,020
Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!

743
00:45:05,900 --> 00:45:07,240
Do something, tons of fun.

744
00:45:10,990 --> 00:45:13,280
Is that thing waving at us?

745
00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:17,580
It understood us.

746
00:45:18,450 --> 00:45:19,620
Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?

747
00:45:26,420 --> 00:45:27,840
You're my bitch!

748
00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:28,960
You get my back.

749
00:45:29,130 --> 00:45:31,420
Don't go taking
this fucking chimp's side.

750
00:45:45,980 --> 00:45:48,400
What if there are more
super monkeys up at that lab?

751
00:45:48,610 --> 00:45:50,820
Maybe they're making an army of
them up there?

752
00:45:51,240 --> 00:45:52,780
Holy shit!

753
00:45:52,950 --> 00:45:55,240
Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...

754
00:45:55,910 --> 00:45:57,200
Roswell style?

755
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,920
This little monkey can be
the fucking damn dirty apes

756
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,330
responsible for fall of
the human race

757
00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:10,760
and this world got mad
we won't spank the monkey

758
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,220
The monkey will spank us.

759
00:46:14,180 --> 00:46:18,050
I'm not even supposed to be here today.

760
00:46:18,220 --> 00:46:20,560
Eaten alive.

761
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,980
Then these monkey fucks
will start wearing our clothes...

762
00:46:23,100 --> 00:46:25,850
and rebuilding the world in their image

763
00:46:27,310 --> 00:46:28,610
And only those...

764
00:46:28,810 --> 00:46:34,150
as super smart will be left a live...

765
00:46:34,490 --> 00:46:35,610
You maniacs!

766
00:46:35,780 --> 00:46:37,110
Damn youse!

767
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:41,700
God damn youse all to hell!

768
00:46:43,580 --> 00:46:45,660
Not on my watch, mother fucker.

769
00:46:45,870 --> 00:46:48,170
Die, you super-monkey fuck!

770
00:46:57,050 --> 00:46:59,680
Alright, you can live. For now.

771
00:47:02,140 --> 00:47:04,270
You see that shit. Bitches love me.

772
00:47:04,970 --> 00:47:05,850
Let's get something to eat.

773
00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:10,060
We ain't hiding in the woods no more.

774
00:47:10,100 --> 00:47:11,480
We gotta get to Hollywood.

775
00:47:12,110 --> 00:47:13,900
Besides, we're in the clear.

776
00:47:13,940 --> 00:47:15,690
It's not like anyone knows
we stole the monkey.

777
00:47:18,990 --> 00:47:21,490
I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
News Now bulletin.

778
00:47:21,660 --> 00:47:26,040
A Provasik animal testing facility
in Boulder was the focus of an attack

779
00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,960
by a terroristic primate rescue
syndicate calling themselves...

780
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:32,880
The Coalition for Liberation of
Itinerant Tree Dwellers...

781
00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:35,380
or simply C.L.I.T.

782
00:47:35,590 --> 00:47:37,760
In a videotape sent to
authorities this morning...

783
00:47:38,010 --> 00:47:40,180
credit for the liberation of
an orangutan from the lab last night...

784
00:47:40,300 --> 00:47:44,430
is taken by these men, identified
in literature that accompanied the tape

785
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:47,850
as Jay and Silent Bob.

786
00:47:48,020 --> 00:47:50,060
In this chilling clip, they make it
very clear that they...

787
00:47:50,230 --> 00:47:53,230
are in control... of the C.L.I.T.

788
00:47:53,810 --> 00:47:55,270
We are the C.L.I.T.
None of you are safe.

789
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:57,730
Now tremble before
my remorseless leader.

790
00:47:57,940 --> 00:48:00,280
I am the clit commander.

791
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:01,450
Terrifying.

792
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:03,110
Here to help us explain this footage...

793
00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:05,700
is Federal Wildlife
Marshall Willenholly.

794
00:48:05,910 --> 00:48:07,370
Marshall, thanks for joining us.

795
00:48:07,540 --> 00:48:10,500
At this point, what can you tell us
about the C.L.I.T?

796
00:48:10,540 --> 00:48:13,500
From the intelligence we've been
gathering, we've discovered...

797
00:48:13,620 --> 00:48:17,420
that the C.L.I.T. Is actually
a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.

798
00:48:17,630 --> 00:48:19,250
The Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement.

799
00:48:19,300 --> 00:48:20,920
Exactly.

800
00:48:21,050 --> 00:48:22,670
The two men that you saw in the video

801
00:48:22,880 --> 00:48:26,720
go by the obvious code names
of Jay and Silent Bob.

802
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:30,560
If anyone out there should come
across them or any other Clitties...

803
00:48:30,720 --> 00:48:33,100
please exercise extreme caution.

804
00:48:33,310 --> 00:48:35,520
I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.

805
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:37,730
What response do you hope to elicit...

806
00:48:37,900 --> 00:48:40,360
by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I. T?

807
00:48:40,610 --> 00:48:41,780
It's a difficult situation.

808
00:48:41,980 --> 00:48:43,240
You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
The wrong way.

809
00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:47,160
Nights like this,
I miss dating a lesbian.

810
00:48:48,070 --> 00:48:49,240
Is that your cell phone, sir?

811
00:48:49,410 --> 00:48:53,080
Blavsky, give me a frigging break.

812
00:48:53,240 --> 00:48:54,000
I'm on my way.

813
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:55,420
We've got them. They're in Utah.

814
00:48:55,580 --> 00:49:00,210
Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended.

815
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,050
Your plan worked.

816
00:49:02,210 --> 00:49:05,420
The news is all about Jay
and Bob's Provasik break-in.

817
00:49:05,630 --> 00:49:07,220
With almost no mention of
the diamond heist.

818
00:49:07,260 --> 00:49:08,840
I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.

819
00:49:08,970 --> 00:49:10,050
Don't you have any regret?

820
00:49:10,260 --> 00:49:11,760
Jay and Bob don't deserve this.

821
00:49:11,970 --> 00:49:14,020
They were really sweet.

822
00:49:14,060 --> 00:49:16,020
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that trout-mouthed prick...

823
00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:18,940
like a fish and playing twister
with his vitals.

824
00:49:20,060 --> 00:49:21,060
I don't get you, Justice.

825
00:49:21,310 --> 00:49:23,480
You used to be all about
this girl stuff.

826
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:25,570
Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.

827
00:49:25,740 --> 00:49:27,610
Now you're this little priss
with a conscience.

828
00:49:27,740 --> 00:49:29,150
It's really a drag.

829
00:49:29,200 --> 00:49:30,620
We all have to grow up sometime.

830
00:49:30,780 --> 00:49:33,490
If moping around over some boy
you've got a crush on is growing up...

831
00:49:33,660 --> 00:49:36,330
then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.

832
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:38,580
Marvelous Pizza coming through.

833
00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:40,710
You the guys who ordered the pizza?

834
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:42,380
This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,

835
00:49:42,540 --> 00:49:46,300
but I could go for some ht,
thick Sicilian.

836
00:49:47,460 --> 00:49:48,840
No charge, lady.

837
00:49:49,010 --> 00:49:50,050
Hurry.

838
00:49:56,810 --> 00:49:58,100
I'm sorry, Jay.

839
00:50:02,060 --> 00:50:04,150
Justice died trying to save this monkey

840
00:50:04,310 --> 00:50:05,770
so maybe we should keep it around.

841
00:50:05,940 --> 00:50:06,900
They way...

842
00:50:07,110 --> 00:50:09,240
we could honor her memory.

843
00:50:11,900 --> 00:50:13,950
Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?

844
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:17,160
And you were all scared we'd get busted
by the cops or something.

845
00:50:17,700 --> 00:50:18,910
You know what I say?

846
00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:20,080
Fuck the Police.

847
00:50:20,290 --> 00:50:22,910
Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!

848
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,170
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!

849
00:50:25,210 --> 00:50:26,710
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!

850
00:50:26,790 --> 00:50:28,250
Yo, fuck me!

851
00:50:28,420 --> 00:50:30,800
This is the Utah State Police.

852
00:50:31,460 --> 00:50:33,590
Boys, we know you're in there.

853
00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:36,140
Come on out with your hands in the air

854
00:50:36,350 --> 00:50:39,220
and surrender the orangutan.

855
00:50:39,430 --> 00:50:41,390
Think they're talking about us?

856
00:50:47,860 --> 00:50:50,020
Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.

857
00:50:50,730 --> 00:50:51,780
Who the hell are you?

858
00:50:52,030 --> 00:50:53,610
Federal Wildlife Marshall.

859
00:50:53,820 --> 00:50:54,860
Is the monkey in there?

860
00:50:55,110 --> 00:50:55,570
The ape.

861
00:50:55,780 --> 00:50:56,280
What?

862
00:50:56,450 --> 00:50:58,030
Orangutan is a member of
the great ape family.

863
00:50:58,240 --> 00:50:58,950
It's not a monkey.

864
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:01,040
Who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshall here?

865
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:02,370
Me or you?

866
00:51:02,540 --> 00:51:03,580
That's what thought.

867
00:51:03,620 --> 00:51:04,620
Can I use your-

868
00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:11,840
Jay and Silent Bob-
Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance.

869
00:51:11,880 --> 00:51:15,920
Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
in there should hit the deck.

870
00:51:16,090 --> 00:51:17,260
We are going to open fire.

871
00:51:19,850 --> 00:51:20,890
What are you waiting for?

872
00:51:21,060 --> 00:51:22,640
Get out there and give them the monkey.

873
00:51:25,100 --> 00:51:26,850
Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?

874
00:51:26,890 --> 00:51:28,600
Maybe they experiment on them...

875
00:51:28,770 --> 00:51:30,730
by making them fuck a bunch of
different good-looking monkeys?

876
00:51:30,940 --> 00:51:32,110
We don't know.

877
00:51:32,860 --> 00:51:34,070
You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.

878
00:51:34,230 --> 00:51:37,700
Fuck, you're the guy
who makes the blueprints.

879
00:51:37,900 --> 00:51:40,280
I don't have the fucking smarts of
a little...

880
00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:45,660
kid.

881
00:51:45,830 --> 00:51:47,080
Do not shoot!

882
00:51:50,210 --> 00:51:53,500
We're just trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.

883
00:51:53,630 --> 00:51:55,000
Their son?

884
00:51:55,170 --> 00:51:56,670
Maybe they're one of those gay couples?

885
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:58,720
Yeah, we're gay.

886
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:00,550
And this is our adopted love child.

887
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:02,180
We're not from around here.

888
00:52:02,760 --> 00:52:04,760
Don't makes us go back to
our liberal city home...

889
00:52:05,010 --> 00:52:08,520
with tales of prejudice
and bigotry from the heart of Utah.

890
00:52:08,680 --> 00:52:11,230
This is the last thing I need.

891
00:52:11,270 --> 00:52:13,690
Uppity homosexuals shooting
their mouths off to the...

892
00:52:13,860 --> 00:52:17,690
liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
Office persecutes gays.

893
00:52:17,860 --> 00:52:19,940
Are you fucking crazy?
They may be gay...

894
00:52:20,030 --> 00:52:22,070
but that's not their son-
that's the ape!

895
00:52:22,240 --> 00:52:24,660
I think I would recognize an ape
if I saw one.

896
00:52:24,870 --> 00:52:26,990
And the only thing
I do recognize right now...

897
00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:30,410
is a political fiasco that
I'm about to avoid...

898
00:52:30,580 --> 00:52:33,000
by letting
this butt-fucking Brady bunch go.

899
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,130
You are free to leave, sirs.

900
00:52:41,590 --> 00:52:43,010
Yes, you, sirs.

901
00:52:43,050 --> 00:52:44,430
So we can just go?

902
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:45,260
Yes, sir.

903
00:52:45,430 --> 00:52:47,970
Please accept my apology for
detaining you and your...

904
00:52:48,140 --> 00:52:51,680
unorthodox but constitutionally
protected family unit.

905
00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:54,190
Un-fucking-believable.

906
00:52:54,350 --> 00:52:58,230
I might add, that is one fine
looking young boy you're raising.

907
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:00,030
That's because he's from my sperm.

908
00:53:00,740 --> 00:53:02,570
K knocked up this hot,
woman friend of ours...

909
00:53:02,740 --> 00:53:05,200
who fuck on the side so as not to be
all-the-way gay.

910
00:53:05,450 --> 00:53:08,570
But my tubby husband-
He's one hundred percent queer.

911
00:53:08,740 --> 00:53:10,120
He loves the cock.

912
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:13,080
He certainly looks insatiable.

913
00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:15,370
Bye-bye.

914
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,340
It's not my way, but I'll be damned
if that isn't one happy family.

915
00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:29,220
Alright, gang-let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...

916
00:53:29,430 --> 00:53:31,930
and when the guys come out
with the monkey-

917
00:53:32,100 --> 00:53:33,470
Fuck beans!

918
00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:34,850
That was them, wasn't it?

919
00:53:35,020 --> 00:53:36,980
I said you love the cock.

920
00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:40,190
I have to be the craftiest
mother fucker alive.

921
00:53:43,650 --> 00:53:44,900
Flee, fat-ass, flee!

922
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:55,870
Head for the sewer!

923
00:54:11,390 --> 00:54:12,510
You fat fuck!

924
00:54:13,430 --> 00:54:15,770
Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.

925
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:19,850
Suck it in. Think thin!

926
00:54:20,730 --> 00:54:22,110
One rectal breach coming up.

927
00:54:22,770 --> 00:54:24,440
Suck it in!

928
00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:26,110
Incoming!

929
00:54:35,740 --> 00:54:37,040
Just like Winnie the Pooh.

930
00:54:41,500 --> 00:54:45,250
That was an incredibly daring escape.

931
00:54:46,210 --> 00:54:47,590
Here's the deal.

932
00:54:47,750 --> 00:54:49,090
You and your men stay up here.

933
00:54:49,300 --> 00:54:51,970
When I corner him, I'll call for backup.

934
00:54:53,180 --> 00:54:55,220
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.

935
00:54:56,970 --> 00:54:58,140
You've taught me so much.

936
00:55:09,860 --> 00:55:11,990
Fuck this asshole.

937
00:55:12,150 --> 00:55:14,860
Let's go back to the station and
cornhole us a drunk.

938
00:55:20,450 --> 00:55:23,290
Don't fuck your word...
I swear to God.

939
00:55:25,250 --> 00:55:27,380
Put the monkey down and your hands up!

940
00:55:30,130 --> 00:55:31,760
Let's go, misters.

941
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:33,380
You want to get shot?

942
00:55:33,590 --> 00:55:35,260
I didn't think so.

943
00:55:35,430 --> 00:55:38,260
She doesn't want to go back to the lab.

944
00:55:38,430 --> 00:55:40,970
And for the record...
I ain't gay.

945
00:55:41,140 --> 00:55:43,480
And for the record,
while we're on the subject...

946
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:46,140
I knew that wasn't a real little boy.

947
00:55:46,940 --> 00:55:49,730
For one more record- he loves the cock.

948
00:55:50,570 --> 00:55:52,520
On your knees, Texas Pete.

949
00:55:52,730 --> 00:55:53,490
Let's go.

950
00:55:53,990 --> 00:55:56,240
You see- he's lining us up like
fucking circus seals.

951
00:55:57,150 --> 00:55:57,990
I'm going first.

952
00:55:58,160 --> 00:56:00,280
I don't want a mouth full of
monkey spit...

953
00:56:00,450 --> 00:56:01,790
if I gotta blow this G-man.

954
00:56:01,910 --> 00:56:03,040
What are you talking about?

955
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,410
No one's gonna get blown here-

956
00:56:07,710 --> 00:56:10,250
Shit!

957
00:56:12,090 --> 00:56:14,920
These guys are good. Very good.

958
00:56:22,390 --> 00:56:24,220
Hey, law-dog.

959
00:56:26,850 --> 00:56:29,100
See you in Hell, cock-smoker.

960
00:56:30,190 --> 00:56:32,980
Oh, Fuck me.

961
00:56:57,670 --> 00:57:00,220
Get the fuck off her-
that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.

962
00:57:03,430 --> 00:57:06,430
Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.

963
00:57:13,980 --> 00:57:15,770
Who the fuck just steals a monkey?

964
00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:19,480
Oh, yeah.

965
00:57:19,650 --> 00:57:20,610
This blows.

966
00:57:20,780 --> 00:57:23,570
We have one more day to stop
these fucks from shooting this movie.

967
00:57:23,740 --> 00:57:27,200
They took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough...

968
00:57:27,330 --> 00:57:29,580
not to stick my hand down her pants.

969
00:57:31,950 --> 00:57:32,960
Go after the monkey?

970
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:34,620
How do we know where that car is going?

971
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,210
Don't just point.

972
00:57:42,590 --> 00:57:43,510
What, you gotta take a shit?

973
00:57:45,090 --> 00:57:46,220
No, you gotta take a salad.

974
00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:49,140
What the fuck are you trying to say?

975
00:57:49,510 --> 00:57:50,430
Say it!

976
00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:51,350
Don't make me ask twenty questions.

977
00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:54,520
You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...

978
00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:57,520
but you can't spit out
"Jay, I disagree," or...

979
00:57:57,650 --> 00:57:59,770
"those are some good cheese fries".

980
00:58:01,900 --> 00:58:03,610
Just fucking say it!

981
00:58:05,320 --> 00:58:07,990
The sign on the back of the car...

982
00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:10,830
said "Critters of Hollywood"...

983
00:58:11,330 --> 00:58:12,910
you dumb fuck!

984
00:58:18,670 --> 00:58:19,960
Say it, don't spray it.

985
00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:26,590
And might I add, that is
one fine-looking boy you are raising.

986
00:58:33,430 --> 00:58:35,970
If it isn't the wildlife expert.

987
00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:38,440
Your office faxed this over.

988
00:58:39,100 --> 00:58:41,400
The guy said it was a post from
an internet chat board...

989
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:43,730
signed by a Jay and Silent Bob.

990
00:58:46,740 --> 00:58:49,110
"All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."

991
00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:51,950
"You are the ones who are ball lickers"

992
00:58:52,120 --> 00:58:53,870
"We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry..."

993
00:58:54,030 --> 00:58:58,450
"like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we're-"

994
00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:00,460
They're going to Hollywood.

995
00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:25,440
It's not like cheating.

996
00:59:25,610 --> 00:59:27,150
Justice blew up.

997
00:59:28,150 --> 00:59:29,230
Here's the plan.

998
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:31,570
First we find out
where they're shooting this movie.

999
00:59:31,740 --> 00:59:35,240
And after we bust that shit up,
we can start looking for the monkey.

1000
00:59:35,450 --> 00:59:36,620
But before we do any of that,

1001
00:59:36,780 --> 00:59:38,700
we gotta find a mother fucker
in the know.

1002
00:59:38,870 --> 00:59:40,160
Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.

1003
00:59:40,330 --> 00:59:41,710
Crack. Want some crack.

1004
00:59:42,830 --> 00:59:43,920
Get you high.

1005
00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:45,830
No, but do you want some weed?

1006
00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:48,250
Are you on the job?

1007
00:59:48,420 --> 00:59:51,130
Yeah. Jersey local 404.

1008
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:55,510
Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.

1009
00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:58,100
- What up?

1010
00:59:59,140 --> 01:00:00,680
- Man, it's a small world.

1011
01:00:00,850 --> 01:00:02,020
Let me ask you a question.

1012
01:00:02,180 --> 01:00:04,350
You dudes getting medical out
there in Jersey?

1013
01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:07,100
No.
We might have to strike in September.

1014
01:00:07,270 --> 01:00:10,190
Norma Rae like a mother fucker.

1015
01:00:10,360 --> 01:00:11,230
Maybe you can help us out?

1016
01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:13,230
You know where they're shooting
a movie around here?

1017
01:00:13,400 --> 01:00:15,280
You ask me a question like that
in Holly-weird?

1018
01:00:15,450 --> 01:00:18,280
You got to come a little
more specific than that.

1019
01:00:18,450 --> 01:00:19,320
It's a Miramax flick.

1020
01:00:19,490 --> 01:00:20,490
We gotta bust it up...

1021
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:22,450
so people stop calling us names
on the internet...

1022
01:00:22,660 --> 01:00:24,040
even though they're not really
talking about us...

1023
01:00:24,250 --> 01:00:27,000
but characters based on us,
and at the same time...

1024
01:00:27,170 --> 01:00:30,420
find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
in a car explosion, monkey.

1025
01:00:31,500 --> 01:00:34,970
Man, I don't know what the fuck
you just said, little kid...

1026
01:00:35,130 --> 01:00:37,220
but you're special.

1027
01:00:37,380 --> 01:00:38,590
You reached out...

1028
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:41,220
and you touched a brother's gear.

1029
01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:43,140
I'm gonna give you some directions.

1030
01:00:43,310 --> 01:00:44,220
Give me the map, Scott.

1031
01:00:44,850 --> 01:00:45,980
Give me the map, Scott!

1032
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:47,690
You know where Miramax is?

1033
01:00:48,390 --> 01:00:52,520
Miramax accounts for 78%
of my business out here.

1034
01:00:55,940 --> 01:00:58,070
Is Hollywood ready for
Jay and Silent Bob?

1035
01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:00,990
A source at a Federal Wildlife
Marshall's office tells us...

1036
01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:04,120
that a posting was pulled off
an internet movie chat board...

1037
01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:07,790
allegedly written by
the two domestic terrorists themselves.

1038
01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:10,370
It's sending a shock-wave
through Hollywood.

1039
01:01:10,420 --> 01:01:12,710
Jules Asner is on the scene at
Miramax Studios. Jules-

1040
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:16,590
Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
one of terror today...

1041
01:01:16,710 --> 01:01:19,380
after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
Office has learned that...

1042
01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:23,090
hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Miramax studios...

1043
01:01:23,260 --> 01:01:27,100
for their next campaign of blood,
violence and monkey theft.

1044
01:01:27,310 --> 01:01:30,310
In a posting pulled off of Movie
Poop-Shoot. Com...

1045
01:01:31,180 --> 01:01:33,020
the gruesome two-some threatened,
and I quote...

1046
01:01:33,230 --> 01:01:37,280
"Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax expletive deleted..."

1047
01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:39,490
"who are making the Bluntman and
Chronic movie..."

1048
01:01:39,610 --> 01:01:42,240
"we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted..."

1049
01:01:45,030 --> 01:01:48,120
"then eat their expletive deleted
which is made up of..."

1050
01:01:48,290 --> 01:01:51,870
"our expletive deleted that
we made them eat." Unquote.

1051
01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:54,080
So far we've been unable to
get a statement...

1052
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:55,750
from anyone here at the Studio.

1053
01:01:55,920 --> 01:01:58,710
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?

1054
01:01:58,920 --> 01:01:59,960
None whatsoever.

1055
01:02:00,170 --> 01:02:02,430
But to be fair, no one is a
hundred percent sure...

1056
01:02:02,470 --> 01:02:04,630
what Jay and Silent Bob
exactly look like...

1057
01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:07,050
so for all we know they could
already be on the lot.

1058
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:32,000
OK, he's got a pass.
Let him in.

1059
01:02:33,540 --> 01:02:36,500
We gotta play this just right.

1060
01:02:47,220 --> 01:02:49,140
You don't have a pass!

1061
01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:12,030
I hate how fake Hollywood is.

1062
01:03:12,700 --> 01:03:14,990
Where do you think you're going?

1063
01:03:18,750 --> 01:03:22,000
Echo base, I've got a 1007-
Two unauthorized on the lot.

1064
01:03:22,170 --> 01:03:23,420
Requesting back-up.

1065
01:03:23,590 --> 01:03:25,090
I thought that was a 1082.

1066
01:03:25,250 --> 01:03:27,340
No, sir,
a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker...

1067
01:03:27,510 --> 01:03:29,090
from Ben Affleck's trailer.

1068
01:03:29,220 --> 01:03:30,220
Oh, that Affleck.

1069
01:03:30,390 --> 01:03:31,590
Back-up on the way.

1070
01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:32,850
I'll make you a deal.

1071
01:03:33,010 --> 01:03:35,520
This guy will suck your
dick off if you let us go.

1072
01:03:35,680 --> 01:03:37,020
Contrary to what you believe...

1073
01:03:37,180 --> 01:03:40,060
not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.

1074
01:03:40,270 --> 01:03:42,690
How about this deal?

1075
01:03:42,730 --> 01:03:45,110
He'll suck my dick while you
watch and jerk-off?

1076
01:03:47,190 --> 01:03:47,980
Alright.

1077
01:03:50,030 --> 01:03:52,200
Make it fast-and sexy.

1078
01:03:53,070 --> 01:03:54,120
It's either this or jail.

1079
01:03:54,780 --> 01:03:56,370
And you know
what they do to you in jail.

1080
01:03:57,160 --> 01:03:58,160
I was a guard.

1081
01:04:02,460 --> 01:04:06,130
And after it's all over you say,
"Ooh, what a lovely tea party."

1082
01:04:17,350 --> 01:04:18,890
What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?

1083
01:04:19,100 --> 01:04:20,470
Start sucking.

1084
01:04:32,030 --> 01:04:32,820
Worth a shot.

1085
01:04:34,030 --> 01:04:35,990
Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
you gay bitch.

1086
01:04:37,110 --> 01:04:39,450
Dude,
you were gonna really suck my dick.

1087
01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:46,460
Remember what I said.

1088
01:04:46,670 --> 01:04:51,550
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
in the eyes or you will be fired.

1089
01:04:51,710 --> 01:04:53,590
Does everybody understand that?

1090
01:04:53,760 --> 01:04:55,050
Thank you.

1091
01:04:58,390 --> 01:05:00,300
You frosted your hair.

1092
01:05:01,890 --> 01:05:04,100
Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.

1093
01:05:05,020 --> 01:05:07,600
This has got to be the Bluntman flick.

1094
01:05:07,650 --> 01:05:09,860
There are those two fucks
from the Mork movie.

1095
01:05:09,900 --> 01:05:12,020
Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?

1096
01:05:12,230 --> 01:05:17,030
Lion face! Lemon face!

1097
01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:18,240
Break it down.

1098
01:05:18,450 --> 01:05:20,160
Where we taking it from, Gus?

1099
01:05:23,200 --> 01:05:24,160
I'm busy.

1100
01:05:24,370 --> 01:05:25,750
You're a true artist, Gus.

1101
01:05:25,870 --> 01:05:26,960
Let's just take it from
"it's a good course".

1102
01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:28,040
You're the director now?

1103
01:05:28,210 --> 01:05:29,080
Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.

1104
01:05:29,250 --> 01:05:30,040
Let's remember who talked who...

1105
01:05:30,210 --> 01:05:32,000
into doing this shit in the first place

1106
01:05:32,130 --> 01:05:33,670
Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
but-.

1107
01:05:33,840 --> 01:05:37,590
I'm sorry I dragged you away from
whatever gay serial killers...

1108
01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:39,760
who ride horses and like to play golf

1109
01:05:39,970 --> 01:05:41,640
touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.

1110
01:05:41,760 --> 01:05:43,810
I take it you haven't seen
"Forces Of Nature".

1111
01:05:43,970 --> 01:05:44,640
You're like a child.

1112
01:05:44,810 --> 01:05:45,680
What do I keep telling you?

1113
01:05:45,850 --> 01:05:48,390
You gotta do the safe picture-
then you do the art picture.

1114
01:05:48,560 --> 01:05:50,190
And then sometimes you have to
do the payback picture...

1115
01:05:50,350 --> 01:05:52,350
because your friend says you owe him.

1116
01:05:54,480 --> 01:05:56,150
Then sometimes you have to
go back to the well.

1117
01:05:56,190 --> 01:05:57,820
And then sometimes you do
"Reindeer Games."

1118
01:05:58,070 --> 01:05:58,990
That's just mean.

1119
01:05:59,240 --> 01:06:03,110
All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to them.

1120
01:06:04,950 --> 01:06:07,040
Get over here.

1121
01:06:07,120 --> 01:06:09,160
You stand here,
your buddy's right here.

1122
01:06:09,330 --> 01:06:10,830
Just stand here and react.

1123
01:06:11,000 --> 01:06:13,460
Don't say anything. Especially you.

1124
01:06:15,000 --> 01:06:16,960
That's pretty funny.

1125
01:06:17,090 --> 01:06:19,300
Lock it up, people,
we're going for picture.

1126
01:06:20,090 --> 01:06:21,300
Make it happen, guys.

1127
01:06:21,470 --> 01:06:22,670
- Get you fucking hands off me.

1128
01:06:22,840 --> 01:06:24,010
- Fuck off!

1129
01:06:25,100 --> 01:06:27,060
On the count of three,
we rush these fucks and...

1130
01:06:27,100 --> 01:06:28,640
beat the shit out of them,
because if they're all fucked up...

1131
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:30,180
they can't make that movie.

1132
01:06:31,560 --> 01:06:35,810
Ready? One... two... three!

1133
01:06:35,980 --> 01:06:39,480
"Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
Scene 16 Take 5.

1134
01:06:43,280 --> 01:06:45,200
Think about the paycheck.
OK.

1135
01:06:52,160 --> 01:06:53,370
Action, Gus?

1136
01:06:53,500 --> 01:06:55,000
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.

1137
01:06:59,090 --> 01:07:01,550
I do remember the class.

1138
01:07:01,630 --> 01:07:04,010
But elementary.

1139
01:07:04,170 --> 01:07:05,800
I remember that class.

1140
01:07:05,970 --> 01:07:08,600
It was just between recess and lunch.

1141
01:07:08,760 --> 01:07:11,100
Are we gonna have a problem- again?

1142
01:07:11,220 --> 01:07:14,940
I was still just hoping you might
be able to give me a little insight...

1143
01:07:15,100 --> 01:07:17,270
into the Southern Colonies.

1144
01:07:18,100 --> 01:07:19,650
Wood says...

1145
01:07:19,810 --> 01:07:21,320
What did I say?

1146
01:07:21,520 --> 01:07:23,690
You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.

1147
01:07:23,860 --> 01:07:25,780
But you forget about Vickers.

1148
01:07:25,820 --> 01:07:27,610
No, I just read Vickers.

1149
01:07:27,820 --> 01:07:29,200
So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".

1150
01:07:29,370 --> 01:07:33,540
But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant, young mind you once were...

1151
01:07:33,740 --> 01:07:37,580
just itching to vent your frustrations.

1152
01:07:37,750 --> 01:07:40,040
You stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance...

1153
01:07:40,250 --> 01:07:45,420
and now I've read shit you haven't
even heard about yet.

1154
01:07:45,590 --> 01:07:46,840
Face facts, my friend.

1155
01:07:47,010 --> 01:07:49,180
You're just no longer that good...

1156
01:07:49,340 --> 01:07:50,430
Will Hunting.

1157
01:07:55,180 --> 01:07:59,390
Now how do you like them apples?

1158
01:08:01,730 --> 01:08:04,020
I don't like the sound of them apples,
Will.

1159
01:08:04,230 --> 01:08:05,690
What're we gonna do?

1160
01:08:05,860 --> 01:08:06,480
- Chuckie-

1161
01:08:06,690 --> 01:08:07,860
- Yeah?

1162
01:08:08,070 --> 01:08:09,950
Chuckie- it's hunting season.

1163
01:08:14,990 --> 01:08:16,370
Apple sauce, bitch.

1164
01:08:19,290 --> 01:08:22,420
Sorry to interrupt, but we've
got a 1007 on our hands.

1165
01:08:22,580 --> 01:08:24,130
Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?

1166
01:08:24,250 --> 01:08:25,460
Bullshit!

1167
01:08:25,630 --> 01:08:27,630
Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.

1168
01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:29,630
There they are!

1169
01:08:30,420 --> 01:08:32,590
Affleck,
you were the bomb in "Phantoms".

1170
01:09:15,090 --> 01:09:17,180
Alright, you bastard,
let's see who you really are.

1171
01:09:21,970 --> 01:09:24,060
Fucking Miramax! Cut!

1172
01:09:27,020 --> 01:09:28,310
Shannen, usually I say "Cut".

1173
01:09:28,480 --> 01:09:29,900
A monkey, Wes?

1174
01:09:30,070 --> 01:09:32,190
You guys aren't even trying anymore.

1175
01:09:34,030 --> 01:09:36,030
The market research
says people love monkeys.

1176
01:09:39,410 --> 01:09:40,830
We love this monkey.

1177
01:09:42,990 --> 01:09:44,370
See.

1178
01:09:44,500 --> 01:09:46,000
Here they are.

1179
01:10:04,680 --> 01:10:06,350
Punch it!

1180
01:10:10,060 --> 01:10:11,190
Fuck!

1181
01:10:18,320 --> 01:10:20,200
Those are some magical guys.

1182
01:10:34,920 --> 01:10:37,920
Dude, I fucking knew it.

1183
01:10:38,590 --> 01:10:40,930
You love that shit, don't you?

1184
01:10:44,140 --> 01:10:46,010
Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.

1185
01:10:46,180 --> 01:10:48,100
Are you guys alright?

1186
01:10:49,020 --> 01:10:50,600
Let's get you guys on your feet.

1187
01:11:01,990 --> 01:11:04,860
Wait a second- aren't you the guy
that fucked the pie?

1188
01:11:05,740 --> 01:11:07,740
You see, man - you see!

1189
01:11:07,870 --> 01:11:11,000
It's never, "Hey, you were in
Loser, weren't you?"

1190
01:11:11,120 --> 01:11:13,960
Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"

1191
01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:16,670
It always comes back to
that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it.

1192
01:11:16,830 --> 01:11:18,590
- You put your dick in a pie.
- Enough!

1193
01:11:19,710 --> 01:11:20,760
I'm Jason Biggs.

1194
01:11:20,920 --> 01:11:24,220
Did you really get to 3rd base with
that Russian chick like in the movie?

1195
01:11:24,430 --> 01:11:26,890
You mean Shannon?

1196
01:11:27,100 --> 01:11:27,890
No.

1197
01:11:28,100 --> 01:11:29,430
She is fucking fine.

1198
01:11:29,640 --> 01:11:31,720
If I was you, I would've been like-

1199
01:11:37,020 --> 01:11:39,150
You like that?

1200
01:11:39,320 --> 01:11:41,650
What, you never did one of these?

1201
01:11:47,240 --> 01:11:49,200
I've done plenty of that, my friend.

1202
01:11:49,410 --> 01:11:51,660
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.

1203
01:11:51,830 --> 01:11:53,500
James- James Van Der Beek.

1204
01:11:53,700 --> 01:11:55,830
What's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you?

1205
01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:58,080
If I was you, I would have
drowned his ass in the creek.

1206
01:11:58,250 --> 01:12:02,420
Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.

1207
01:12:02,630 --> 01:12:04,630
Ever get to 3rd base with her?

1208
01:12:04,840 --> 01:12:07,970
There was this one time- Wait a minute,
who are you guys?

1209
01:12:09,050 --> 01:12:11,470
They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.

1210
01:12:11,970 --> 01:12:13,020
- Right?

1211
01:12:13,180 --> 01:12:14,980
- Of course.

1212
01:12:15,810 --> 01:12:17,310
Stunt doubles for what?

1213
01:12:17,480 --> 01:12:19,560
For the move that we're shooting
in about fifteen minutes.

1214
01:12:19,770 --> 01:12:21,480
Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back.

1215
01:12:21,650 --> 01:12:23,980
You're doubling me, obviously,

1216
01:12:24,150 --> 01:12:27,030
I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill

1217
01:12:27,150 --> 01:12:28,570
- Bob.
- Right.

1218
01:12:28,740 --> 01:12:30,990
And he's playing Chronic.

1219
01:12:31,200 --> 01:12:32,740
A.K.A. Ray.

1220
01:12:32,910 --> 01:12:33,990
Jay. Fuck!

1221
01:12:34,240 --> 01:12:35,830
Biggs, did you even read the script?

1222
01:12:36,040 --> 01:12:36,700
There's a script?

1223
01:12:36,910 --> 01:12:38,250
Hey, pie-fucker,

1224
01:12:38,460 --> 01:12:41,370
you would only last a day on
"The Creek".

1225
01:12:41,580 --> 01:12:43,460
Wait second, we'll be right back.

1226
01:12:43,670 --> 01:12:45,000
Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".

1227
01:12:45,170 --> 01:12:46,880
Go to hell, Pacey.

1228
01:12:49,470 --> 01:12:50,630
These are the fucks that are playing us

1229
01:12:50,800 --> 01:12:53,930
You take 'em out, bam!, no movie.

1230
01:12:55,180 --> 01:12:57,430
Useless little ape.

1231
01:12:57,600 --> 01:13:00,680
What's with the weird,
gay huddle going on over there?

1232
01:13:00,850 --> 01:13:02,060
Let me put my arm over yours.

1233
01:13:02,230 --> 01:13:03,270
What's gay about it?

1234
01:13:03,480 --> 01:13:04,560
It's two guys talking in a corner.

1235
01:13:04,690 --> 01:13:07,860
Why are you such a homophobe?

1236
01:13:08,070 --> 01:13:10,530
You're always like "That's gay,"
or "Look at that gay huddle..."

1237
01:13:10,780 --> 01:13:11,910
"look at that gay dog."

1238
01:13:12,070 --> 01:13:12,950
Dude, that is so gay-

1239
01:13:13,070 --> 01:13:14,370
Yeah, see.

1240
01:13:14,620 --> 01:13:17,240
- I love gay people.

1241
01:13:17,410 --> 01:13:18,080
- I'm sure you do.

1242
01:13:18,200 --> 01:13:20,290
Look at the monkey.

1243
01:13:20,450 --> 01:13:22,290
Now you're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.

1244
01:13:22,410 --> 01:13:24,750
How do you know
he doesn't smoke monkey pole?

1245
01:13:24,790 --> 01:13:27,090
He's so cute.

1246
01:13:29,300 --> 01:13:32,130
You go in there and start swinging,
don't stop until these young...

1247
01:13:32,300 --> 01:13:33,720
Hollywood fucks are out of commission.

1248
01:13:33,760 --> 01:13:35,050
Ready? Break!

1249
01:13:42,390 --> 01:13:44,270
That's one funky monkey.

1250
01:13:46,900 --> 01:13:49,230
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.

1251
01:13:49,320 --> 01:13:51,570
There are two intruders on the lot.

1252
01:13:51,730 --> 01:13:53,820
They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.

1253
01:13:55,150 --> 01:13:57,110
Yeah, they're in here.

1254
01:13:57,740 --> 01:13:59,160
Do they have you held hostage?

1255
01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:00,620
Should we call your publicist?

1256
01:14:00,830 --> 01:14:01,410
No.

1257
01:14:01,580 --> 01:14:04,200
We kicked those guys assess bad.

1258
01:14:04,370 --> 01:14:06,410
Real bad.

1259
01:14:06,580 --> 01:14:08,210
Great job, sirs.

1260
01:14:08,330 --> 01:14:10,210
If you'll let us in,
we'll take over from here.

1261
01:14:10,340 --> 01:14:13,670
No,
me and Jason Biggs are naked in here.

1262
01:14:13,880 --> 01:14:15,550
Butt-naked. Together.

1263
01:14:16,050 --> 01:14:21,930
Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
until you clean up.

1264
01:14:32,440 --> 01:14:34,980
How are we gonna get out
without them seeing us?

1265
01:14:40,990 --> 01:14:41,870
You've got the wrong guys.

1266
01:14:42,030 --> 01:14:43,910
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?

1267
01:14:44,080 --> 01:14:45,700
I'm a teen idol, dammit!

1268
01:14:45,830 --> 01:14:46,950
Don't you recognize me?

1269
01:14:47,160 --> 01:14:48,620
Look at me.

1270
01:14:48,660 --> 01:14:50,080
I'm the pie-fucker!

1271
01:14:52,000 --> 01:14:55,000
In prison, he'll be the pie.

1272
01:14:57,670 --> 01:14:58,970
This was a good idea, lunch-box.

1273
01:14:59,170 --> 01:15:00,550
In these outfits...

1274
01:15:00,590 --> 01:15:01,930
we're totally incognito.

1275
01:15:02,090 --> 01:15:03,640
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-

1276
01:15:04,970 --> 01:15:06,600
Great, you've changed costumes already.

1277
01:15:06,720 --> 01:15:07,730
Let's get you to the set.

1278
01:15:07,890 --> 01:15:09,270
The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting.

1279
01:15:12,810 --> 01:15:14,060
Look at all these crackers.

1280
01:15:14,230 --> 01:15:17,070
70 million dollars
and I can't even get a black grip.

1281
01:15:17,190 --> 01:15:19,110
It's a shame. It's a damn shame!

1282
01:15:19,320 --> 01:15:20,860
Here's your coffee, sir.

1283
01:15:21,450 --> 01:15:23,200
- You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it.

1284
01:15:23,360 --> 01:15:24,660
Any boogers in it?

1285
01:15:24,870 --> 01:15:26,080
There's no boogers in it, sir.

1286
01:15:26,160 --> 01:15:27,370
You went to film school, didn't you?

1287
01:15:27,490 --> 01:15:30,750
Must piss you off to see a black man
run a big production like this.

1288
01:15:31,660 --> 01:15:33,460
Go to the school.

1289
01:15:33,670 --> 01:15:36,960
Does your daddy know that
you give a nigger his coffee?

1290
01:15:37,130 --> 01:15:38,670
It would kill him, wouldn't it?

1291
01:15:39,510 --> 01:15:41,170
- There's no boogers in it, sir.
- Ten taste it!

1292
01:15:42,010 --> 01:15:44,340
Taste the booger flavor.

1293
01:15:44,510 --> 01:15:45,760
I know it's in there.

1294
01:15:46,970 --> 01:15:47,680
It's all good, sir.

1295
01:15:47,850 --> 01:15:48,930
No it ain't all good.

1296
01:15:49,010 --> 01:15:50,060
Clean that shit up.

1297
01:15:50,260 --> 01:15:51,520
Get me a white boy.

1298
01:15:51,680 --> 01:15:55,310
Get me a blond haired,
white boy so I can enjoy that shit.

1299
01:15:55,560 --> 01:15:55,980
- You're the man, sir.

1300
01:15:56,190 --> 01:15:58,190
- No, you're the man
and that's the problem.

1301
01:15:59,110 --> 01:16:01,530
Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
the creator of Bluntman and Chronic.

1302
01:16:01,610 --> 01:16:03,990
We met a few weeks back.

1303
01:16:04,190 --> 01:16:05,530
I'm the executive Producer.

1304
01:16:05,700 --> 01:16:07,990
Oh, you're the Executive Producer.

1305
01:16:08,160 --> 01:16:11,040
Why don't you executive produce me
a latte- de-crackernated.

1306
01:16:11,240 --> 01:16:12,330
Okay, Fuck it?

1307
01:16:12,450 --> 01:16:13,000
- It's Banky.

1308
01:16:13,200 --> 01:16:14,620
No, its' Fuck it!

1309
01:16:14,790 --> 01:16:17,000
I just want you to know that
I respect your work as an artist.

1310
01:16:17,170 --> 01:16:18,670
I 'm something of an artist myself.

1311
01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:20,420
I was the inker on the comic book.

1312
01:16:20,630 --> 01:16:22,210
You're a tracer, okay?

1313
01:16:22,380 --> 01:16:23,880
Nobody got the heart to tell you.

1314
01:16:24,050 --> 01:16:24,380
You trace.

1315
01:16:24,550 --> 01:16:25,130
You go around the lines.

1316
01:16:25,300 --> 01:16:26,880
You are a tracer!

1317
01:16:26,930 --> 01:16:28,390
You think Fat Alber had a tracer?

1318
01:16:28,590 --> 01:16:29,050
No.

1319
01:16:29,260 --> 01:16:30,850
Bill Cosby did the whole thing
with a roller.

1320
01:16:31,060 --> 01:16:32,180
And it was excellent.

1321
01:16:34,600 --> 01:16:37,020
Crack, crack, cracker?

1322
01:16:37,230 --> 01:16:38,730
Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
Chaka.

1323
01:16:38,770 --> 01:16:40,230
I don't see them!

1324
01:16:40,440 --> 01:16:42,520
Where are the stars of
this piece of shit?

1325
01:16:59,080 --> 01:17:01,830
Damn, this must've set them back
a couple hundred bucks.

1326
01:17:05,710 --> 01:17:06,130
Look at this.

1327
01:17:06,380 --> 01:17:09,220
A gay hood ornament
and the color purple.

1328
01:17:09,380 --> 01:17:10,260
Who the fuck are you?

1329
01:17:10,430 --> 01:17:11,050
Who the fuck am I?

1330
01:17:11,220 --> 01:17:12,800
I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.

1331
01:17:12,930 --> 01:17:13,930
That's who the fuck I am.

1332
01:17:13,970 --> 01:17:14,930
Wait a second.

1333
01:17:15,100 --> 01:17:16,640
I though Banky and Holden
created this shit.

1334
01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:18,180
And I 'm stealing it.

1335
01:17:18,350 --> 01:17:20,100
I'm taking it back for the black man...

1336
01:17:20,230 --> 01:17:23,600
to make up for all the shit you
mother fuckers have taken from us.

1337
01:17:23,770 --> 01:17:26,110
Do you know that I came up for
the idea for "Sesame Street"?

1338
01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:27,940
I came up with it before PBS.

1339
01:17:28,110 --> 01:17:29,240
The white man stole it.

1340
01:17:29,440 --> 01:17:32,530
I was gonna call it
NWP- Niggers With Puppets.

1341
01:17:32,570 --> 01:17:35,580
Catchy, ain't it?

1342
01:17:35,740 --> 01:17:36,990
Enough of this small talk.

1343
01:17:37,160 --> 01:17:38,040
Let's shoot.

1344
01:17:38,870 --> 01:17:39,950
Aren't you gonna direct us?

1345
01:17:40,120 --> 01:17:42,160
I will start directing you to the
unemployment line...

1346
01:17:42,210 --> 01:17:44,170
if you don't stop back-talking me,
cracker.

1347
01:17:44,880 --> 01:17:45,830
We don't know what we're doing.

1348
01:17:46,040 --> 01:17:46,840
We didn't read the script.

1349
01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:47,670
It ain't hard.

1350
01:17:47,840 --> 01:17:49,630
I film the mother fucker.

1351
01:17:49,800 --> 01:17:50,920
Then I yell "Cut!"

1352
01:17:51,090 --> 01:17:53,470
And run the fuck out of here
and go to my trailer...

1353
01:17:53,630 --> 01:17:57,510
cause I got more white girls there than
the first lifeboat on the Titanic.

1354
01:17:57,640 --> 01:17:59,260
And they all want a party in my movie,

1355
01:17:59,430 --> 01:18:01,180
and I got just the part for me.

1356
01:18:01,350 --> 01:18:02,310
So are you ready to do this?

1357
01:18:02,480 --> 01:18:04,100
Let's roll with the new.

1358
01:18:05,810 --> 01:18:07,980
Quiet on the set, everyone.

1359
01:18:09,030 --> 01:18:10,940
I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.

1360
01:18:13,700 --> 01:18:15,450
You guys look pretty bad-ass.

1361
01:18:16,320 --> 01:18:18,950
"Bluntman and Chronic Strike Back",
scene 37, take 1.

1362
01:18:25,080 --> 01:18:25,920
What're you waiting for?

1363
01:18:26,080 --> 01:18:27,330
Action!

1364
01:18:32,010 --> 01:18:35,550
Um... snoochy-boochies.

1365
01:18:39,300 --> 01:18:41,180
What the fuck?

1366
01:18:50,150 --> 01:18:53,570
You thought I'd never find
your precious Bluntcave...

1367
01:18:53,770 --> 01:18:55,900
did you, Hemp Knight?

1368
01:18:56,030 --> 01:19:00,410
But now, you and your sidekick...

1369
01:19:00,450 --> 01:19:04,790
are finally
in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!

1370
01:19:08,580 --> 01:19:11,000
Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?

1371
01:19:11,170 --> 01:19:13,000
Actually,
there's a funny story behind that.

1372
01:19:14,050 --> 01:19:14,500
You're gonna love it.

1373
01:19:14,750 --> 01:19:15,880
True story.

1374
01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:21,970
Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.

1375
01:19:28,100 --> 01:19:30,600
I think George Lucas
is gonna sue somebody.

1376
01:19:32,020 --> 01:19:36,690
Any last words before I bust
your balls, Bluntman?

1377
01:20:23,150 --> 01:20:24,320
Duck, pie-fucker.

1378
01:20:26,740 --> 01:20:28,120
Damn, these white boys can't fight.

1379
01:20:30,240 --> 01:20:32,160
Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.

1380
01:20:37,750 --> 01:20:39,130
Yo! Bitch-fists!

1381
01:20:42,840 --> 01:20:46,220
Call me Darth-balls.

1382
01:20:47,260 --> 01:20:48,550
Good Lord.

1383
01:20:53,100 --> 01:20:54,350
That wasn't in the script.

1384
01:21:23,170 --> 01:21:24,170
So this is Hollywood?

1385
01:21:25,380 --> 01:21:29,340
Then lights, camera, action,
Jay and Silent Bob.

1386
01:21:32,680 --> 01:21:34,770
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!

1387
01:21:36,100 --> 01:21:39,650
...My God...

1388
01:21:45,030 --> 01:21:46,320
Sorry, everyone.

1389
01:21:46,480 --> 01:21:47,820
That was supposed to be a warning shot.

1390
01:21:48,030 --> 01:21:50,070
I'm obviously on the wrong set.

1391
01:21:51,030 --> 01:21:52,610
Is he gonna be okay?

1392
01:21:54,490 --> 01:21:55,240
Not good.

1393
01:22:01,670 --> 01:22:04,170
You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.

1394
01:22:12,720 --> 01:22:14,930
This movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".

1395
01:22:15,010 --> 01:22:17,180
- Or "House Party 3".

1396
01:22:17,310 --> 01:22:18,350
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.

1397
01:22:19,810 --> 01:22:22,690
Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?

1398
01:22:27,440 --> 01:22:29,360
Can I get a "cut!" here?

1399
01:22:35,030 --> 01:22:36,160
Not again.

1400
01:22:38,160 --> 01:22:40,290
Now who's balls have been busted, bitch

1401
01:22:41,160 --> 01:22:42,200
That's it! I'm out of here.

1402
01:22:42,330 --> 01:22:43,750
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.

1403
01:22:45,620 --> 01:22:46,540
What the fuck?

1404
01:22:46,710 --> 01:22:48,840
The C.L.I.T. Stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob.

1405
01:22:48,880 --> 01:22:50,960
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!

1406
01:22:52,130 --> 01:22:53,680
Federal Wildlife Marshall.

1407
01:22:53,720 --> 01:22:55,340
Everyone stay cool.

1408
01:22:55,430 --> 01:22:57,260
Go back to making your adult movie.

1409
01:22:57,300 --> 01:22:59,100
These men are the leaders of
a terrorist organization...

1410
01:22:59,260 --> 01:23:01,310
wanted for the abduction of
a little monkey.

1411
01:23:01,470 --> 01:23:03,100
They didn't really steal that monkey.

1412
01:23:03,230 --> 01:23:06,350
It was just a diversion so
that we could steal these.

1413
01:23:06,520 --> 01:23:07,810
And they're not the leaders of
the C.L.I.T.

1414
01:23:08,020 --> 01:23:09,400
The C.L.I.T. Is not real.

1415
01:23:09,560 --> 01:23:11,610
Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real.

1416
01:23:11,820 --> 01:23:12,860
It's real.

1417
01:23:13,070 --> 01:23:15,570
It's the female orgasm- that's the myth

1418
01:23:15,740 --> 01:23:17,070
You know what I 'm talking about?

1419
01:23:17,740 --> 01:23:18,780
Are you guys alright?

1420
01:23:18,910 --> 01:23:21,160
I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck.

1421
01:23:21,330 --> 01:23:24,000
You remembered.

1422
01:23:24,120 --> 01:23:26,500
It was a frame-up, Jay.

1423
01:23:26,660 --> 01:23:30,960
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
are international jewel thieves.

1424
01:23:31,170 --> 01:23:32,380
We were setting you up to be a patsy...

1425
01:23:32,540 --> 01:23:35,800
but I couldn't go through with it
because I...

1426
01:23:35,970 --> 01:23:36,970
because I love you.

1427
01:23:37,760 --> 01:23:39,640
Yeah?
That means you're gonna fuck me, right?

1428
01:23:39,760 --> 01:23:40,380
Of course.

1429
01:23:41,140 --> 01:23:43,180
If she does
it'll be considered necrophilia.

1430
01:23:43,260 --> 01:23:45,260
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.

1431
01:23:47,140 --> 01:23:49,190
Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?

1432
01:23:49,390 --> 01:23:51,810
You should've just let these guys
go down.

1433
01:23:52,020 --> 01:23:53,520
I wanted to go down,
but this angel popped on my shoulder...

1434
01:23:53,570 --> 01:23:55,110
and said "Listen" and I was like
"What's up?"

1435
01:23:55,270 --> 01:23:57,360
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand...

1436
01:23:57,530 --> 01:23:59,070
in you pansy red booties.

1437
01:23:59,900 --> 01:24:01,610
Holy shit,
I am wearing pansy red booties.

1438
01:24:01,780 --> 01:24:03,620
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

1439
01:24:04,120 --> 01:24:05,410
Let's have those diamonds, Justice.

1440
01:24:05,620 --> 01:24:06,950
I can't do that, Sissy.

1441
01:24:07,120 --> 01:24:09,540
Then lover-boy gets one
in the fucking brain.

1442
01:24:10,540 --> 01:24:12,830
Yo! Lovely ladies!

1443
01:24:12,920 --> 01:24:14,750
Would any of you like
a private audition to be in my movie.

1444
01:24:14,800 --> 01:24:16,630
Bring that ass over. C'mon!

1445
01:24:36,980 --> 01:24:38,020
Cray crackers with guns.

1446
01:24:38,190 --> 01:24:39,690
Time to get my black ass outta here.

1447
01:24:45,620 --> 01:24:46,950
You really let me down, Justice.

1448
01:24:47,160 --> 01:24:49,750
Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.

1449
01:24:49,950 --> 01:24:51,120
What's it gonna be, Sissy?

1450
01:24:51,290 --> 01:24:53,670
Which fighting style do you want me
to kick your ass in?

1451
01:24:53,790 --> 01:24:55,170
Are you kidding me?

1452
01:24:55,380 --> 01:24:56,710
I taught you all your moves myself.

1453
01:24:56,840 --> 01:24:59,090
There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.

1454
01:24:59,250 --> 01:25:01,050
You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.

1455
01:25:01,210 --> 01:25:02,970
But I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.

1456
01:25:03,090 --> 01:25:04,380
A little Venus Fly-trap?

1457
01:25:04,550 --> 01:25:07,220
I'll counter with Dragon Queen.

1458
01:25:07,260 --> 01:25:09,890
How about a little "Bitch, my man
ain't your baby's daddy"?

1459
01:25:10,060 --> 01:25:11,060
Bring it on.

1460
01:25:16,810 --> 01:25:18,520
I hope one of them rips off
the other one's shirt...

1461
01:25:18,690 --> 01:25:21,820
and we see some titties flopping
around in the air.

1462
01:25:23,400 --> 01:25:26,780
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
I just wanted to say hi. I'm-

1463
01:25:26,990 --> 01:25:28,280
Banky-fucking Edwards!

1464
01:25:28,450 --> 01:25:30,530
Just the mother fucker we came to see.

1465
01:25:30,700 --> 01:25:33,290
What the fuck are you guys doing here?

1466
01:25:39,080 --> 01:25:40,580
Why the hell are you shooting at me?

1467
01:25:40,750 --> 01:25:41,630
Two reasons.

1468
01:25:41,750 --> 01:25:45,050
One- we're walking-taking
bad girl clichés.

1469
01:25:45,210 --> 01:25:47,050
And two- because you're a man!

1470
01:25:48,680 --> 01:25:50,390
Only on the outside.

1471
01:25:51,100 --> 01:25:52,970
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

1472
01:25:53,140 --> 01:25:54,930
All these assholes on the internet
are calling us names...

1473
01:25:55,180 --> 01:25:57,020
because of this fucking stupid movie.

1474
01:25:57,230 --> 01:25:59,690
That's what the internet is for-
slandering others anonymously.

1475
01:25:59,850 --> 01:26:03,110
Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.

1476
01:26:07,780 --> 01:26:08,820
This isn't fair.

1477
01:26:08,990 --> 01:26:10,860
We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.

1478
01:26:11,030 --> 01:26:13,580
We stole a monkey, we got shot at...

1479
01:26:13,780 --> 01:26:16,160
and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts...

1480
01:26:16,330 --> 01:26:18,460
by a guy named Cock-knocker.

1481
01:26:18,620 --> 01:26:20,790
I feel for you boys, I really do.

1482
01:26:20,960 --> 01:26:23,000
But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...

1483
01:26:23,210 --> 01:26:25,750
paid me a shitload of money for
Bluntman and Chronic.

1484
01:26:25,920 --> 01:26:29,050
So it occurs to me that people
bad-mouthing you on a website...

1485
01:26:29,130 --> 01:26:32,220
is none of my fucking concern!

1486
01:26:32,430 --> 01:26:34,390
Oh, but I think it is.

1487
01:26:37,560 --> 01:26:40,810
We had a deal with you on the comics-
for likeness rights?

1488
01:26:41,020 --> 01:26:42,980
And as we're not only
the artistic basis

1489
01:26:43,140 --> 01:26:44,690
but also the character basis...

1490
01:26:44,850 --> 01:26:47,230
for your intellectual property,
Bluntman and Chronic...

1491
01:26:47,360 --> 01:26:50,280
when said property was optioned
by Miramax films...

1492
01:26:50,360 --> 01:26:53,150
you were legally obliged to
secure our permission...

1493
01:26:53,320 --> 01:26:55,700
to transfer the concept
to another medium.

1494
01:26:55,870 --> 01:26:58,160
As you failed to do that, Banky...

1495
01:26:58,200 --> 01:27:00,410
you are in breach of
the original contract.

1496
01:27:00,620 --> 01:27:01,960
Ergo, you find yourself...

1497
01:27:02,160 --> 01:27:05,960
in a very actionable position.

1498
01:27:10,130 --> 01:27:11,420
You guys are gonna ruin my movie career

1499
01:27:11,630 --> 01:27:13,800
We want something
for our mental anguish.

1500
01:27:13,840 --> 01:27:15,930
Tell you what-
we'll settle this monetarily.

1501
01:27:16,100 --> 01:27:17,680
I'll give you half of what I make.

1502
01:27:17,850 --> 01:27:18,720
Half?

1503
01:27:18,890 --> 01:27:19,510
Half's not good enough?

1504
01:27:19,640 --> 01:27:21,470
Fine. I'll give you two thirds.

1505
01:27:21,680 --> 01:27:23,020
Fuck you, you already said half.

1506
01:27:23,180 --> 01:27:25,100
You can't take it back.

1507
01:27:25,270 --> 01:27:26,310
Done.

1508
01:27:32,320 --> 01:27:34,530
Your shit is so tired, Justice.

1509
01:27:34,940 --> 01:27:38,990
Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!

1510
01:27:48,710 --> 01:27:51,300
Hello? Truce?

1511
01:27:55,130 --> 01:27:56,920
I think I killed both of them.

1512
01:27:57,640 --> 01:27:58,930
I am an excellent marksman.

1513
01:27:59,010 --> 01:27:59,970
I've always-

1514
01:28:04,390 --> 01:28:05,520
C'mon, you guys, it's over.

1515
01:28:10,360 --> 01:28:11,770
Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?

1516
01:28:11,900 --> 01:28:14,110
I was just about to jump in
and get your back.

1517
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:16,990
The cops!

1518
01:28:17,110 --> 01:28:18,780
We gotta get out of here.

1519
01:28:18,820 --> 01:28:20,450
I'm tired of running.

1520
01:28:21,820 --> 01:28:24,490
Marshall... are you awake?

1521
01:28:25,290 --> 01:28:26,960
Wake up.

1522
01:28:27,120 --> 01:28:31,120
My God! I'm paralyzed.

1523
01:28:31,290 --> 01:28:33,960
That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me.

1524
01:28:34,880 --> 01:28:37,340
Oh, sweet irony!

1525
01:28:37,510 --> 01:28:38,130
You're not paralyzed.

1526
01:28:38,300 --> 01:28:41,380
It was just a tranquilizer.

1527
01:28:41,590 --> 01:28:43,260
Jesus.

1528
01:28:44,100 --> 01:28:46,220
Tranqued by a little monkey.

1529
01:28:46,390 --> 01:28:49,180
My friends in the Bureau will
never let me hear the end of this.

1530
01:28:50,020 --> 01:28:51,810
You have friends in the FBI?

1531
01:28:51,980 --> 01:28:54,150
They all made it in
but I failed the exam.

1532
01:28:54,360 --> 01:28:57,070
Why else do you think I became a
Federal Wildlife Marshall?

1533
01:28:58,190 --> 01:28:59,650
I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!

1534
01:29:00,700 --> 01:29:02,200
Maybe not.

1535
01:29:03,120 --> 01:29:04,870
I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the FBI...

1536
01:29:04,990 --> 01:29:06,490
regardless of test scores.

1537
01:29:07,160 --> 01:29:08,950
What kind of deal?

1538
01:29:09,120 --> 01:29:11,160
You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...

1539
01:29:11,290 --> 01:29:12,710
and say you never found the ape.

1540
01:29:12,870 --> 01:29:15,000
In exchange I will give you
the diamonds we stole...

1541
01:29:15,250 --> 01:29:17,210
and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy and myself.

1542
01:29:17,460 --> 01:29:18,960
But I want a reduced sentence.

1543
01:29:19,130 --> 01:29:20,960
You'd be willing to do that?

1544
01:29:24,970 --> 01:29:27,930
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.

1545
01:29:34,270 --> 01:29:37,650
I'm a international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.

1546
01:29:37,980 --> 01:29:39,980
That's alright.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.

1547
01:29:40,150 --> 01:29:42,150
If I go to prison will you wait for me?

1548
01:29:42,360 --> 01:29:43,610
I don't know.

1549
01:29:43,780 --> 01:29:45,860
Will you fuck me when you get out?

1550
01:29:52,870 --> 01:29:53,500
Don't change the subject.

1551
01:29:53,660 --> 01:29:55,290
Will we fuck when you get out?

1552
01:29:55,460 --> 01:29:57,040
Snoogens.

1553
01:30:04,130 --> 01:30:07,840
There's a lot of love in the room.

1554
01:30:08,300 --> 01:30:11,930
Regardless of what you may here heard,
I do not kiss guys.

1555
01:30:12,560 --> 01:30:13,640
Okay.

1556
01:30:14,640 --> 01:30:16,940
Play it cool, hotshot.

1557
01:30:21,060 --> 01:30:23,650
Sorry, Justice. We have to go.

1558
01:30:25,150 --> 01:30:26,400
And stop stealing monkeys.

1559
01:30:26,610 --> 01:30:27,360
- Fuck you!

1560
01:30:27,530 --> 01:30:29,110
- Fair enough.

1561
01:30:34,330 --> 01:30:35,790
Wait for me.

1562
01:30:35,950 --> 01:30:37,370
What? Here?

1563
01:30:51,180 --> 01:30:53,510
Well, boys- you're rich, in love-

1564
01:30:54,640 --> 01:30:55,680
You're in love-

1565
01:30:55,890 --> 01:30:57,600
And to top it off
you've got your own monkey.

1566
01:30:57,810 --> 01:30:59,770
What more could two guys from
Jersey possibly want?

1567
01:31:00,560 --> 01:31:02,770
To have these fucks stop talking
shit about us on the internet.

1568
01:31:02,810 --> 01:31:04,900
What've I been telling you?

1569
01:31:05,070 --> 01:31:06,690
There's not much you can do
to stop that.

1570
01:31:06,900 --> 01:31:09,990
Short of showing up at their house
and beating the shit out of them.

1571
01:31:18,000 --> 01:31:21,960
All the money we're making could
buy a lot of plane tickets.

1572
01:31:28,130 --> 01:31:28,710
Yeah?

1573
01:31:28,880 --> 01:31:31,970
Do you post as Magnolia Fan
on Movie Poop Shoot. Com?

1574
01:31:32,010 --> 01:31:34,970
Yeah!

1575
01:31:35,090 --> 01:31:38,930
Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."

1576
01:31:39,140 --> 01:31:41,640
"Fuck them in their stupid asses"?

1577
01:31:41,810 --> 01:31:43,560
Yeah, a while ago. So?

1578
01:31:53,200 --> 01:31:57,570
On Movie Poop Shoot.com did
you say Jay and Silent Bob are...

1579
01:31:57,740 --> 01:32:00,370
quote, "fucking clown shoes
and if they were real...

1580
01:32:00,580 --> 01:32:02,660
"I'd kick the shit out of them for
being so stupid"?

1581
01:32:02,870 --> 01:32:04,210
- Yeah.
- Really?

1582
01:32:26,020 --> 01:32:28,600
That's right. That's it.

1583
01:32:32,520 --> 01:32:38,910
Right. That's right.

1584
01:33:02,180 --> 01:33:03,850
That's beautiful, man.

1585
01:33:04,010 --> 01:33:06,270
That was worse than Clash Of The Titans

1586
01:33:06,430 --> 01:33:08,520
I can't believe Judy Dench played me.

1587
01:33:08,770 --> 01:33:11,810
Remind me to renew
that Restraining Order.

1588
01:33:12,060 --> 01:33:12,520
Why?

1589
01:33:12,730 --> 01:33:14,820
I am gonna blast that
flick on the internet tonight.

1590
01:33:15,070 --> 01:33:17,740
Why can't Hollywood ever makes
a decent comic book movie?

1591
01:33:17,900 --> 01:33:19,320
Tell me, Steve-Dave.

1592
01:33:19,360 --> 01:33:20,740
Would you stop saying that?

1593
01:33:20,900 --> 01:33:23,780
That was just another paean
to male adolescence...

1594
01:33:23,950 --> 01:33:25,620
and its refusal to grow up.

1595
01:33:25,780 --> 01:33:28,290
Yeah, sis,
but it was better than Mall Rats.

1596
01:33:28,450 --> 01:33:31,370
At least Holden had the good
sense to keep his name off of it.

1597
01:33:31,540 --> 01:33:34,920
Why wouldn't Miramax option his
other comic instead?

1598
01:33:35,040 --> 01:33:38,670
The one with you and him
and your relationship.

1599
01:33:38,840 --> 01:33:40,880
Chasing Amy?

1600
01:33:41,170 --> 01:33:42,880
That would never work as a movie.

1601
01:33:43,050 --> 01:33:45,340
I'm so fucking embarrassed.

1602
01:33:45,470 --> 01:33:46,720
Honey, you should be.

1603
01:33:46,930 --> 01:33:47,890
They took your characters...

1604
01:33:48,060 --> 01:33:50,640
and turned them into one
90-minute long gay joke.

1605
01:33:50,810 --> 01:33:52,440
It was like watching Batman
and Robin again.

1606
01:33:52,650 --> 01:33:55,860
Thank, that means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends be "Shaft"...

1607
01:33:55,940 --> 01:33:58,480
as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.

1608
01:33:58,520 --> 01:34:00,780
I don't hear you complaining nightly.

1609
01:34:00,820 --> 01:34:03,070
I don't get out to the movies much,
but I have to say...

1610
01:34:03,200 --> 01:34:05,820
Bluntman and Chronic was blut-tastic.

1611
01:34:05,860 --> 01:34:08,410
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?

1612
01:34:08,580 --> 01:34:11,040
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.

1613
01:34:12,790 --> 01:34:15,500
The party's across the street featuring
the greatest band in the world...

1614
01:34:15,540 --> 01:34:18,130
Morris Day and the Time.

1615
01:34:37,600 --> 01:34:39,360
I...

1616
01:34:39,560 --> 01:34:41,480
I... I been watching you.

1617
01:34:41,690 --> 01:34:44,110
I think I want to know you.

1618
01:34:45,200 --> 01:34:47,990
I said... I’m a little dangerous.

1619
01:34:49,200 --> 01:34:52,620
Girl I'd love to show you...

1620
01:34:52,790 --> 01:34:55,870
my jungle love.

1621
01:36:05,650 --> 01:36:09,030
I'd be like, "What, you don't know
fucking Jay and Silent Bob...

1622
01:36:09,230 --> 01:36:11,900
the fucking mack-daddies of
fucking Jersey"?

1623
01:36:12,070 --> 01:36:14,200
And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
the internet that you guys..."

1624
01:36:14,410 --> 01:36:16,660
"are a couple of little fuck-holes!"

1625
01:36:57,160 --> 01:36:59,120
I got a bear skinned rug.
Y'all sing it.

1626
01:37:00,870 --> 01:37:03,040
I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.

1627
01:37:04,660 --> 01:37:06,750
We're all the way live in L.A.

1628
01:37:08,370 --> 01:37:10,960
Oh, the things I could do to you.