1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,520 With Spring upon us, 2 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,280 we had to prepare for a couple of important events 3 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,400 on the Diddly Squat social calendar. 4 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,520 Because both the cows 5 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:41,360 and the Easycare sheep would soon be giving birth. 6 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,960 Elsewhere, our new alarm clocks were settling in nicely. 7 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,240 And the AgBot's Presbyterian work ethic 8 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,960 meant farming was going on day and night. 9 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,240 Here's the important thing to remember. 10 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:05,400 Kaleb right now: tucked up in bed, not willing to work. 11 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,280 He is, though. 12 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:22,440 In fact, the AgBot had inspired me to upgrade my office. 13 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,400 So, that's your office. 14 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,600 - Yeah. - Still very much in the farming world. 15 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:34,480 But this is now a very advanced farm, technological farm, 16 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,160 and it needed an office to reflect that. 17 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,120 Here it is. Mission Control. 18 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,480 Holy moly. 19 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,160 The old barn, cleared out… Well, I've basically thrown Lisa out of it 20 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,760 'cause she was using it as a storage for the shop. 21 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,400 Cold winter's evenings, 22 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:57,440 we light a fire and we sit there, on the two-pound, 23 00:01:58,320 --> 00:01:59,440 three-piece suite. 24 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:00,640 OK? 25 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,080 This is for important business meetings, OK? 26 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,160 The filing cabinets are there. 27 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,360 Pig Award. 28 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,360 - But this is… - What are all these? 29 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,120 Pull up a chair, I'll talk you through it. 30 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,200 The crows are a bit weird, but… 31 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,440 The crows are great, that's the word you're looking for. 32 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,320 But, here we go. 33 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:25,160 What we've got here is a total map of the farm, yeah? 34 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,120 That just shows a picture of a rabbit. 35 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:28,640 Definitely a rabbit! 36 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,240 Look, it's even got two ears somehow. 37 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:36,400 So, this is 6,000 images from the drone. 38 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,480 - Look at the picture on that! - I know. 39 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,520 - Look at that bit you missed. - There's the farm shop. 40 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:41,960 Look at the bit you missed there, look. 41 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,160 - What are you on about? - The drilling. 42 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,960 - Who? - You! You did drill that. 43 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,240 - Oh, I did drill that, yeah. - Yeah. 44 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,440 - Did I miss all that? - Yeah! 45 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,800 - How have I done that? - You obviously run out of seed. 46 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,320 Oh my God, I have. I missed all that. 47 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,560 Fuck! 48 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,760 Shit! I wish I hadn't shown you this. 49 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,800 So that's all there, right? 50 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,520 That is our farm. 51 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,400 Now, we move onto the AgBot. 52 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,160 So this is the field it's currently doing, yeah? 53 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,760 Yeah, there it is there, look. 54 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,360 - And it's presently here. - It is. 55 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,040 And you can actually see the line it's on. 56 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,640 And putting the cultivator down. 57 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,080 Look at your face. 58 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,120 OK, can you just push the up and down arrows simultaneously? 59 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:26,640 Now. 60 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:28,920 Oh wow. 61 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,160 How far are we going with it? It's gonna hit the crow. 62 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:38,080 That'll do. So now we can operate… 63 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,680 - If you stand up. - When shit gets serious. 64 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,680 When shit gets serious! 65 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,240 We can just come and go: "I think this is a standing-up operation." 66 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,400 Lean over. 67 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:52,080 Now, look at this. I've got a dashboard for the AgBot here. 68 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,560 Oh, engine speed: 2,000. 69 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,800 Engine percent load at current speed: 67%. 70 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,920 AdBlue tank level: 95%. 71 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,080 Engine oil level. 72 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,640 - Yeah. - 82. 73 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,160 82 millimetres. Now, I don't know whether that's good or not. 74 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,160 And then just drop down here. So you just move… 75 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,600 Front camera, full screen. There we are. 76 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,680 That's live TV coming from the front of the AgBot. 77 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,560 - How cool is that! - Flip it to the back. 78 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,680 Look, there goes the red kites, dive-bombing it. 79 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,440 They're loving it 'cause there's no farmer in it. 80 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,880 I normally open the door, beep the horn to scare 'em off. 81 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,920 Now, the other thing is, each pixel is two centimetres. 82 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,680 So it's phenomenally detailed. 83 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,520 And while I was buggering about the other day, 84 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,200 something I've noticed. 85 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:35,680 There. 86 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,080 That we have had a visitation. 87 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,440 - From a fly-tipper. - From a fucking fly-tipper. 88 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,280 Who would chuck a f… What is it, a fridge? 89 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,400 Dunno. It's a white good. 90 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,360 Well, who would put that there? 91 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,240 Out of all the places where you… 92 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,800 Well, we've gotta go get that back. 93 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:51,960 - Do you wanna go now? - And since… 94 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:53,160 - Hello, you two. - Hello, mate! 95 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:54,360 Hey, Gerald! 96 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,960 - Welcome to Mission Control. - Oh! 97 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,840 Is it grand to coordinate? 98 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,320 - There it is going along. - Yeah. 99 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,080 Yeah, but these things will never take over man. 100 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,600 On the other hand, I'd jump straight out the bath 101 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,440 and go out with no clothes on. 102 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,080 So you're not sold on this, Gerald? 103 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:20,640 Well, nobody ever knows. 104 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:27,360 I can't remember what year it was, but the only story with that is… 105 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,280 …and not go out in my garden planting seeds with no pants on. 106 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,640 Mmm, well… 107 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,360 After Gerald had dispensed his wisdom, 108 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,240 we went off to do a bit of tidying up. 109 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:52,680 Because I've got the AgBot, which can cultivate all by itself, 110 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:56,280 I'm free to do this kind of job, 111 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,480 clearing up the mess 112 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,320 left by filthy, filthy riff-raff. 113 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,040 Fucking fly-tippers, honestly. 114 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,360 I'd love to be in the mind of the people who thought: 115 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,840 "We need to get rid of this fridge, we'll lob it through this hedge." 116 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,960 Do they not realise how much annoyance and effort and expense 117 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,440 is needed to clear the bloody thing up again? 118 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,400 The AgBot had also created time for us 119 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,720 to do some jobs in the woods. 120 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,360 And a big one was clearing up all the trees 121 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,880 that had been blown over by Storm Darragh. 122 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,560 And because the green Lambo was off games with yet another technical fault, 123 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,280 I had to fire up the GOAT. 124 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,200 Oh, the jerky gear changes, 125 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,760 the complete lack of braking, it's like being back at home. 126 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,600 God, there's more than I remember. 127 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:16,560 It's one, two, three, four, five, six… 128 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,000 seven, eight, nine. 129 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,360 So there's ten from just where I'm standing here. 130 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,360 To deal with the problem, I'd hired a meaty winch. 131 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,920 - So this is like a… this is the anchor. - Yeah. 132 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,120 Stop. Lower. 133 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,880 With the ground anchor lowered and the tree shackled… 134 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,280 This is gonna feel good! 135 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,480 - Ready? - Go for it. 136 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:44,040 …we winched and dragged the first tree out of the woods. 137 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:46,760 Yes! 138 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,360 Powerful Lambo. 139 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,920 Yeah! Onto the next. 140 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,880 The work was especially satisfying. 141 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:07,120 Because Kaleb and I were working as a team… 142 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,160 until we weren't. 143 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,120 There's one tree stuck between two, so it fell down between two. 144 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:17,160 If we pull it, it's gonna probably lock up. 145 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:18,720 Right, here's my plan. 146 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,600 Get the winch round that tree. 147 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:22,705 Yeah? 148 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,680 - And attach it to the top. - That won't work. 149 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,520 - Well, it will. - No, it will just pull the tree that way. 150 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,240 - Yes, that's what I want. - No, I don't wanna do that. 151 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,640 - No, I do because then it levels… - I don't. 152 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:31,880 No, please be quiet. 153 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,200 No, but, no, hear me out. 154 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,680 Come round this one, around like that, 155 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,360 back round right at the beginning of the trunk. 156 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:39,465 - Yeah? - Yeah. 157 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,440 As you pull, it should technically pull the tree like this. 158 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,640 And then we stop when we get to here, use that tree there. 159 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,520 - My way's easier. - No, it's not. 160 00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:51,000 As we were arguing, the voice of reason arrived. 161 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,200 - How are you? - How's it going? 162 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,440 Quickly, Charlie, do you think this is gonna work? 163 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,560 - What? - The logic of his thinking. 164 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,080 Well, I don't know what he's thinking. 165 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,280 - We're gonna pull this around to there. - The light end. 166 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,480 - Very close to it. - Right. 167 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,120 It won't work 'cause it's gonna get jammed on that tree and that tree… 168 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,640 Why don't you just cut it? 169 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,360 Nah, chainsaws are for the weak. 170 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,400 - What? - Well, we've got the power… 171 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,880 - Chainsaws are for the weak? - Yeah. 172 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,920 I'll just stand out the way. 173 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,880 - It won't work! - It will. 174 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:22,240 It won't! 175 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:26,000 OK, we're gonna do it and then if it doesn't work, I've failed. 176 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,080 Give me strength. 177 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,600 - Ready? - Yes. 178 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,280 That's going up. 179 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,200 I didn't do that. 180 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,360 What are you doing? 181 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,240 I'm not doing that. 182 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,560 What the fuck's it doing? 183 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,640 Kaleb, why is it doing that? 184 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,800 I dunno. Press the stop button. 185 00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,025 Kaleb! 186 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,760 Press "down" now. Just press "down" once. 187 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,160 - What? - Press "down" once. 188 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,360 Just press "down". 189 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:06,745 No. 190 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,440 Oh, for fuck's sake. 191 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,800 After Kaleb had manually lowered the anchor… 192 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:15,880 Useless. 193 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,480 …I initiated my tree-hauling plan. 194 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:20,640 Ready? 195 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,280 It's gonna pivot round exactly as I planned, 196 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,640 exactly as I planned. 197 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,560 Yes, look at that. 198 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,320 He's gonna be happy with that, isn't he? 199 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,560 He's got to turn up now and say: 200 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,000 "Well done, Jeremy, your plan worked." 201 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,160 Slack it off. 202 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,160 Nothing. So far, nothing. 203 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,800 Drive. 204 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,600 He's not going to admit that my plan worked. 205 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,280 But I know it did. 206 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,880 I know it did. 207 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,800 I'm going to go sleep tonight going: "My plan worked." 208 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:01,280 I'm not gonna live this down for a long time, am I? 209 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,080 Sadly, there was no time to enjoy being right 210 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,600 because Lisa summoned me back to the farmyard. 211 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,760 She said there was a problem. 212 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,400 It was too quiet. 213 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,880 Can you hear anything? 214 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:22,680 No. 215 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,280 You can't hear… They're not in here, are they? 216 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,200 I don't know. I'm gonna go back here. 217 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:37,920 Oh shit. 218 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,480 What? 219 00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:41,680 Guinea fowl feathers. 220 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,840 Oh no. 221 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,760 Oh flip. 222 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,080 Oh, and another one. Oh, for God's sake. 223 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,800 That's a fox, isn't it? Just killing for fun. 224 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:58,960 Yep. 225 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,040 How am I going to explain this? 226 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,320 Granddaughter coming for the weekend: "Can I go and see the guinea fowl?" 227 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,000 Do we have any neighbours? 228 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,800 We can indoctrinate her from an early age to not be trapped 229 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,000 into that London way of thinking that foxes are sweet. 230 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,880 "Oh, I saw a fox in Wandsworth and he was so sweet." 231 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,720 No, he wasn't. He's a murdering bastard. 232 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,560 - Jeremy! - Yeah? 233 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,280 Good news. There. 234 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,640 - Oh, one of them… - One of them survived. 235 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:27,840 Oh, thank fuck for that. 236 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:28,920 Well done. 237 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,040 You can stay up there, it's safe. 238 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,120 Poor thing, seeing its brothers and sisters being massacred. 239 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,760 Fortunately, later that day, there was just the job to cheer us up. 240 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,280 Are any of them "bagging up"? 241 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:48,440 I think there's a couple. 242 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,080 With the cows about to give birth, 243 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:54,960 we needed to turn the barn into a maternity ward. 244 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,280 So Lizzie the goat farmer was coming along 245 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,160 to help us move these horned lawnmowers 246 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,120 out into the fields. 247 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:03,760 Afternoon, all. 248 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,640 - Lizzie! - Hi, Lizzie! 249 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,600 - How are you? - What's occurring? 250 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:08,760 Moving 'em. 251 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,160 The easiest way would be to use a trailer, 252 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,360 but as it was such a lovely Spring afternoon, 253 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,800 I decided to go old school. 254 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,040 So they're going into a field called Hollowback which is not very far away, 255 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,080 so we should be able to walk 'em down. Right… 256 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,120 Sorry, what did you just say there? 257 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,440 Walk them down. It's just there. 258 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,440 What could possibly go wrong? 259 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,080 Nothing! Honestly. 260 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,640 Now, here's what we're gonna do, all right? 261 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,360 We're gonna move you into a field called Hollowback, 262 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,200 which is full of lovely, tasty, juicy grass 263 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,360 and you'll be very happy in there. 264 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,480 So you are gonna be the leader, OK? 265 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,440 I wonder what the goat's thinking? 266 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,360 He's thinking: "What is that muppet saying to me?" 267 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,800 There you go. 268 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:55,600 Come on! 269 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,120 Who said we needed a trailer? 270 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,640 Oi! What are you doing? Go that way. 271 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,160 Come on! Come on! 272 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,000 Come on! Come on! 273 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,600 No, oi, none of you. 274 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,080 Goats, goats, goats! 275 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,360 Right, no, that way! Can we not climb up there, please? 276 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,160 All of you, stop this! Stop this nonsense! 277 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,560 - No, no, no. - Go on! 278 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:17,880 This is going well. 279 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,760 - Oh, for fuck's sake. - Go on! 280 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:20,960 Go on! 281 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,400 - Come on! - Get off! 282 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,120 This isn't working. 283 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,720 This is your fault. 284 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,920 Oi. Listen to this. Tasty snack. 285 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,480 I think what's happening here is they're dining on steak 286 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,000 and I'm offering them kale. 287 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,640 Once they'd finished their buffet, though… 288 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,440 Go on, off you get, go go go! 289 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,320 …we got them headed in the right direction. 290 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,640 Come on. Come on, you. 291 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,040 You're in charge. I put you in charge. 292 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,800 Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! 293 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,000 Come on! 294 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,360 Oh look, now the sheep want to run too. 295 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,240 Hello, sheeps! 296 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:58,800 That's quite a picture now, isn't it? 297 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,920 Isn't that gorgeous? 298 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,680 I love the fact that he's got his AgBot and then he's moving goats like this. 299 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:05,840 Yeah! 300 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,000 Come on, goats! 301 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,320 Come on. 302 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,400 Come on. Come on. 303 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:12,960 Oi, go on! 304 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,840 I mean, look at that sight, come on! 305 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,880 On a night like tonight, farming is the best job in the world. 306 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,240 Yes! Yes! 307 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,360 Why did I waste my life driving round corners shouting? 308 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,520 Oh no, I remember. 309 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,080 I wouldn't have been able to afford to do this, that's what it is. 310 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,440 Come on, boys! Come on! 311 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,080 After the most delightful journey, 312 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,280 we got the goats to their new field. 313 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,200 - That's done! - They all in then? 314 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,520 Yes, I think so. 315 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,720 Just like that! 316 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,080 Well… 317 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,280 A work of art that was! 318 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,160 That was heavenly. 319 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,120 The rural "Lord Sugar", however, 320 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,480 thought the whole thing was a bit of an indulgence. 321 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,480 I thought we were gonna cut down the animals on the farm. 322 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,840 - We are cutting the animals. - To try and streamline the farm. 323 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,320 - We are. - How are we? 324 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:08,640 - Pigs. - Yeah, OK, right. 325 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,040 - Sheeps, eventually. - Yes. 326 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,560 - And what about these? - No. 327 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,280 - Why? - Mainly the film crew! 328 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:15,640 Do you actually want 'em here? 329 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:16,785 Yeah! 330 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:20,160 We'll have a vote. Film crew, who wants the goats to stay? 331 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,040 They're part of the crew. 332 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,720 - "They're part of the crew"… - No, they absolutely 333 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,000 - love the goats. - Yeah? 334 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,400 Look at those two. 335 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,880 That's like a Cadbury's Flake advert. 336 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,720 Anyone remember that? 337 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,640 They just used to get 338 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,160 very, very good-looking girls 339 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,640 to wander through a poppy field or a wheat field 340 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,280 in lacy dresses eating a Cadbury's Flake. 341 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,680 One of whom, I think, married Roger Taylor, the drummer in Queen. 342 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,440 I have no idea what you're on about. 343 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,760 Did you not… 344 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,040 I don't know what he goes on about. 345 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,000 Sometimes I just… I just nod now. 346 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,120 The following morning, 347 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:12,440 I started the day by checking in on our one remaining guinea fowl. 348 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,160 Hello, guinea fowl? 349 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,160 Hello? 350 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:22,720 Oh, no. 351 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,840 Fuck's sake, this is just 352 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,440 beyond belief. 353 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,200 He's just bitten its head off. 354 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:34,840 It hasn't even eaten it. 355 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,240 He's had the lot. 356 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,600 There was, though, only time to seethe, not mourn. 357 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,040 Because today was a big day on the AgBot front. 358 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,360 It had finished cultivating all the fields 359 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,440 and would now be charged with the most important job of them all: 360 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,440 planting the seeds. 361 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,160 There it is. Yes! 362 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,440 We have begun. We are drilling the lager 363 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,800 and we're drilling it into well-prepared, 364 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,160 well-fertilised fields on time. 365 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,840 Once we'd finished hooking up the drill… 366 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,080 That side… This side's lined up. Yeah? 367 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,080 …the AgBot eagerly set off, 368 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:37,120 with the Luddite, as ever, full of praise for it. 369 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,640 Look, it's not drilling now, look. 370 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,920 Not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling. 371 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,080 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 372 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,440 - That's all a miss. - No… Yes. 373 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,280 That is all a miss. Just there is missed. 374 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,120 It comes on when it's ready. 375 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,120 No, that's all missed. Just here will not grow anything. 376 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,960 Yes. It starts blowing it out 377 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,320 - when it's ready. - Yeah? 378 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,560 It will lower the thing, turn the fan on, 379 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,680 then start when it wants to. 380 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,080 - That is gonna be a miss. - Well, and it's not supposed to. 381 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,600 - It is! - It'll come back over it! 382 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,280 Despite Kaleb's relentless negativity, 383 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:17,800 my machine set about this new task with its usual precision. 384 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,360 And there he goes, inch perfect again. 385 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:25,280 There was one drawback with the AgBot, though: 386 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,320 it's not allowed on the public highway. 387 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:33,360 So when it needed to get from one field to another across a road, 388 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:37,240 I suspected life would be a massive faff. 389 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,960 Where are you going now? 390 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,400 I'm gonna do Arlo's. 391 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,200 How are you gonna get down there then? 392 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:44,120 Ah. Well… 393 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,240 I'm gonna take the drill off, 394 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,440 attach it to the Lambo, 395 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,200 drive the Lambo down there, 396 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,160 drop the drill off in the field, 397 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,240 bring the Lambo back to the yard, 398 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,040 attach it to the trailer, 399 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,080 put the AgBot on the trailer, 400 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,600 drive that down to Arlo's, 401 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,440 take the AgBot off the trailer 402 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,560 and reattach it to the drill. 403 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:08,760 That's… 404 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,120 By the time you've done all of that, 405 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,000 I could have completed the whole farm drilling. 406 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,120 - Yes, I know. - As well as another 30 other farms. 407 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,800 Kaleb had a point. 408 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,200 My plan would be incredibly time-consuming. 409 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,400 And as we're on TV, I couldn't just ignore the law. 410 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,960 So I came up with a rather clever solution. 411 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,920 Watch this. Ready? 412 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,360 With this simple black cloth… 413 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,040 Right. Now… 414 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,360 Ta-da! 415 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,280 So there we are, just this… 416 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,240 I don't know where these tyre marks have come from. It's a mystery. 417 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,480 But there we are. Onwards. 418 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,000 Back in the world of animal farming, 419 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:10,240 things were starting to happen in the cow barn. 420 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,120 With one of the Moocall alarms alerting me 421 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,520 that a calf was on its way. 422 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,320 Right. 423 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,400 It's out already? 424 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,520 Lisa? It's out! It's here! We have a calf! 425 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,120 No! That was quick. 426 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,040 I mean, I get a call from the Moocall saying: "Birth imminent." 427 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,600 It doesn't say: "Birth has happened." 428 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:41,800 Look! 429 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,640 Endgame's first child! 430 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,800 And she's eating the placenta and doing everything properly. 431 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,560 That is just so cool! 432 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,720 - That's a very handsome face. - Beautiful. 433 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,320 I love the way that it affects the others, look. They're all… 434 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,240 Yeah, they're all coming for a look! That's rather sweet. 435 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:09,080 The first calf had been born at a civilised hour. 436 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,160 The next one, however… 437 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,680 Moocall went off at 3:15. 438 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,000 And it's now… 439 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,080 ten to five. 440 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,105 Nothing. 441 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,680 Welcome to the world of the beef farmer. 442 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,320 I'm not sure there's a whole lot I can do. 443 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,240 You're gonna have to start the pushing at this stage. 444 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,680 Oh, she doesn't know where she wants to be, does she? 445 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,880 You don't know whether you want to be standing up or lying down. 446 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:48,920 Come on. 447 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,800 Come on. Push. 448 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,320 Push. 449 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,640 There's a foot. 450 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:02,280 Yeah, she has given birth so far to a balloon and a hoof. 451 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,160 Come on. 452 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,520 Definitely two feet. 453 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,160 And back in again. 454 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,120 And there's the dawn chorus. 455 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:29,880 Mm-mm. 456 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,920 Eventually, a mere two hours and forty-five minutes 457 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,400 after the Moocall had gone off… 458 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,440 The alien is coming. 459 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,200 Oh, come on, big push. 460 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,120 Big push. There's a nose. 461 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,640 Oh, an eye! 462 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,480 Oh, and a whole head! 463 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,440 A head! 464 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,160 An ear! 465 00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:58,320 A neck! 466 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,120 Come on! 467 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,080 And… 468 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:10,040 Come on, push, push, push. Back, just the hips. 469 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,200 Come on, push. 470 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,480 There we go! 471 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,920 Come on, you've gotta breathe. You've gotta breathe, my dear. 472 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,080 Come on. 473 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,920 Get some straw in there. 474 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,280 Come on, let's have some breathing. 475 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,720 There we go. Come on. 476 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,320 Yes! 477 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,800 That looks like a great little calf! 478 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,240 Already trying to walk, look. 479 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,160 Ah! It's a joy! 480 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,840 Missed a night's sleep, and yet, when you see that happen, 481 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:45,960 it's worth it. 482 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:58,560 After this completely perfect start to the day, 483 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:01,360 I went over to see the Swiss Army Knife 484 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,480 which now had a new attachment 485 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,720 and was using it to roll the field… 486 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:11,040 There he goes. 487 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,440 …where we would be growing onions and beetroots. 488 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:19,960 And to plant those, we'd need another new machine. 489 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,960 And now, I'm gonna blow your mind 490 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,280 with the FarmDroid. 491 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:27,440 Kaleb? 492 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,200 This was the other bit of kit 493 00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:37,880 that had caught my eye at the LAMMA exhibition back in January. 494 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,880 A solar-powered onion planter. 495 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,680 - What, it's another robot? - Oh yeah! 496 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,360 I thought it actually goes on the back of the AgBot. 497 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,960 No! This now trundles along. 498 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:54,240 We fill it with seed and he plants all the onions for us. 499 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,880 This is completely electric and that's a solar panel. 500 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,160 What happens if the sun went in? 501 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,440 Well, it's got batteries so it stores some of the electrical power. 502 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:02,545 It's an electric… 503 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,720 - That's how solar panels work. - Is that electric? 504 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,640 I don't know why I thought that was an electric fence! 505 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,120 It does look it, doesn't it? No, if you touch that it'll stop him. 506 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,600 Razmus, the man who'd first shown me the FarmDroid, 507 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,560 then came over to explain how it works. 508 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,120 It's all by GPS, yeah? So it remembers exactly where it plants each onion. 509 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,480 - So this is the field, let's just say. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 510 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,080 - And it puts an onion in here. - Yeah. 511 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:26,520 And then how long? 512 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:27,880 We put it in to 15 centimetres. 513 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,240 OK, 15 centimetres. 514 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,840 - And then it remembers? - Yeah, yeah. 515 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,280 - And then places it every 15 centimetres? - Yeah. 516 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,880 - So it's extremely precise? - Yeah. 517 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,160 So how many onions is it going to plant in here? 518 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:39,320 600,000. 519 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,000 - 600,000 onions. - Wow. 520 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,280 - How fast does it go? - Maximum 1K. 521 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,680 - Well, yeah. - About the same speed as me. 522 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,520 Hold on. If it only does one kilometre an hour, 523 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,320 - and you've got a hare and a tortoise… - But that's only… 524 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,760 Is the one kilometre the hare or the tortoise? 525 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:55,920 That's the hare! 526 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:00,360 It is a slow-driving machine so it would drive into the night tonight. 527 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,920 And then after we done the seeding, we convert this machine into weeding, 528 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,040 which means that this machine is also doing the weeding part of it. 529 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,320 Oh, so it just digs up the weeds? 530 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:11,720 - Yeah, just killing the smaller weeds. - And leaves the onions. 531 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,520 - Does it have cameras on it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 532 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,920 I'll just give you access to the app to this one, 533 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:17,080 then you can just sit home. 534 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,920 Oh man! I've got the AgBot cameras and this cameras. 535 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,025 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 536 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:22,280 This is what Lisa said the other day! 537 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,440 I was sitting looking at the cameras from it and she went: 538 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,400 "Why can't you watch Pornhub like a normal man 539 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,720 instead of sitting watching your AgBot going up and down!" 540 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,080 Oh Christ, I'm gonna have both of them! I can't wait. 541 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:34,600 - Can we get it going? - Yeah, we can. 542 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,840 Once we'd filled the hoppers with onion seeds… 543 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,480 Who knew that onion seeds looked like that? 544 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,960 They're like miniature song thrush eggs. 545 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:47,760 I drove the FarmDroid into the field. 546 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,200 It's a weird-looking thing actually when you get it in the field. 547 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,360 Honestly, when you've got the AgBot and this 548 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,280 working the same field… 549 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,280 I think actually it's the first time in the world 550 00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,680 that we have both an AgBot drilling and a FarmDroid in the same field! 551 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,080 That's incredible. 552 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,560 - Right, we're certainly in the field now. - Yeah. Press "Auto". 553 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:09,320 - That one? - Yeah. 554 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,320 - Calculating routes, yeah. - Yeah. 555 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:12,840 And just press the green one. 556 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,320 And now it's just probably calibrating itself. 557 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,880 So it's just hunting now for its start point? 558 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:22,160 - Yeah. - Same as the AgBot does. 559 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,720 Yeah. So now it's had the start point. 560 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,600 - Oh look, he's putting it down. - Yeah. 561 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:31,720 - And we're off. - Yeah. 562 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,160 And you can hear the small clicks. That's the seed belt. 563 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:38,680 - Each one of those clicks is…? - Yeah, yeah. 564 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,800 - So that's a seed going in? - Yeah. 565 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,840 - Fucking hell! Honestly! - That is unbelievable. 566 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,000 That is! 567 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,320 You can actually hear it working. 568 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,840 - Each click is an onion. - I know, it's like… 569 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,240 Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money! 570 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:56,720 It's really quite cool! 571 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,280 Where are the onions at? 572 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:00,640 So do we check on the…? 573 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:02,680 You see, now we would like to go and check. 574 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:04,480 What seed depth do we need? 575 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,320 Charlie mentioned around three centimetres. 576 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:08,480 Three? 577 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:11,360 Oh, there's one! Look! Look! 578 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,440 - You got one? - Yes, look. 579 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:17,480 There's an onion in the field! It's put an onion in my field! 580 00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,960 - And then, we should have 15 centimetres. - No, no, wait, wait, no, no. 581 00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:23,360 If that's true, that's incredible. 582 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,560 So 15 centimetres… 583 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,560 Where's 15? There. 584 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,440 - Holy shit! - That's unbelievable. 585 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:32,440 And away it goes. 586 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:35,520 You're actually impressed with that. 587 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,080 Yeah, I am impressed with that. 588 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,840 It had been a long night and day, 589 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,040 but before knocking it on the head, 590 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:54,520 I had to meet Lisa and George, her snail supplier. 591 00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,080 - You know, they're already inside. - Yeah. 592 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,160 Because the snails had started laying eggs. 593 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:02,120 See? 594 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,560 - Yeah. - Bingo. 595 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:06,705 Here you are. 596 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:08,240 Oh wow! 597 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,760 These are your first snail children. 598 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:13,720 Oh! Wow! 599 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,640 - They're all snail eggs, are they then? - Yes. 600 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,160 OK. What do you do with this? What's this? Just compost? 601 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:21,040 This is just compost we've put water on. 602 00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:24,040 I'm gonna put the lid on and put them by the heater. 603 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:26,400 And how long before they become snails? 604 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:28,480 - Do they hatch? What do they do? - Yes. 605 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:31,920 George was also extremely keen to show us 606 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,680 how the baby snails got made in the first place. 607 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:37,160 Ah! Here you are! 608 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:40,320 Now you see the courtship. Can you see? 609 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:41,600 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yes! 610 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,120 The left one already, he has his penis out there. Can you see? 611 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,400 - Yes. - There, that's it. 612 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,680 And this one has her vagina over it. 613 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:48,785 Yeah. 614 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:50,120 So is that the man? 615 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:51,560 No, no, no, they are both. 616 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,920 He has, you know, the penis and the vagina on his body. 617 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:56,240 That's so cool! 618 00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,720 So these are in tune with the times. 619 00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:01,600 We've got trans farm animals. 620 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:02,760 Oh yes! 621 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,000 Or are they hermaphrodites? 622 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:06,480 They're hermaphrodites but they are sex machines. 623 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:08,360 - Sex machines? - Oh yeah. 624 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,760 - How many penises has it got? - Two. 625 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:13,640 - Two penises? - Like here, 626 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,600 - like testosterone sacs. - Oh, I see, you've got stereo penis-ery. 627 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,720 - So depending on which side, you know… - Where's its vagina then? 628 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,080 Exactly next to it. The same thing. 629 00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:23,160 So you've got a penis and a vagina? 630 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:26,680 No, the same thing. Where the penis is is also its vagina. 631 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,680 Clever, right? 632 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:31,400 And they shit out of their face as well? 633 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:33,160 Yeah, on the side, yes. They… 634 00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:36,040 So their face is like a Ferrari's steering wheel: 635 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,640 - everything's now on it. - Yeah. 636 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:41,120 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! 637 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,240 And once they've bred, you take the eggs 638 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:46,400 and then you eat the ones that have bred. So they're no good now. 639 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,480 Ah, so once we've got the babies, 640 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,240 these adults can go off to the pub. 641 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:54,120 - Yes! - Correct. Beautiful chain. 642 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,640 'Cause, I mean, I adore snails. I think they're fantastic. 643 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,920 - You like the garlic butter. - Oh, I love them in garlic butter. 644 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,640 And the shells you crush up and you can give it to the chickens as grist. 645 00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,000 Lisa and George claimed, however, 646 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:09,640 that the money to be made from serving them in the pub was nothing 647 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,680 compared to what could be earned from the slime. 648 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:16,400 There are beauty parlours, in Essex especially… 649 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:17,505 - Essex? - Essex. 650 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,640 £120 for 10 minutes' snail… 651 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:22,720 Or 15 minutes' snail course. 652 00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,360 - So they put the snails on your faces. - Yeah. 653 00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,760 And the snail goes around and excretes the juice. 654 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:29,865 That's it. 655 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,960 And that's, like, £120, ten minutes. 656 00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:33,120 Yeah. 657 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:37,200 I wasn't completely convinced, 658 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:40,240 but put my concerns to one side. 659 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,160 Because the next day, 660 00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:49,440 Lisa and I were awaiting cow birth number three. 661 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:53,840 - There's… - Here we go. 662 00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,400 Which seemed to be going as smoothly as the previous two. 663 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:01,560 - Oh, here we go. - Let me start again. 664 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:02,720 Foot. 665 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:05,880 Push! 666 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:07,680 Push. 667 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,305 Oh. 668 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,240 - Look, you can see the calf's tongue. - Oh, there's the tongue. 669 00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:15,680 That's a worry. 670 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,880 Shit, should we call Dilwyn or are we just panicking? 671 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:21,240 Oh, it's head first, that's good. 672 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,760 No, everything's right, but we can see the tongue, look. 673 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:29,360 The tongue is moving, suggesting that the calf is sort of needing to be out. 674 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:33,600 Do we grab hold of those and pull? 675 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,520 That is a worry for me that the tongue is out and moving. 676 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,000 I'm gonna call Kaleb. 677 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:45,200 - Hold on. - Hello, mate. 678 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,160 All right, mate. I know it's Oscar's birthday. 679 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,160 - Yeah, can you hear me? - Yeah. 680 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,120 We got a calf coming. 681 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:54,360 Half an hour probably. 682 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,360 The last contraction 683 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,520 we got really most of the front legs 684 00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,960 and then what looked like a tongue coming out. 685 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,520 Just grab the two legs, yeah? 686 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,240 And just gently have a little bit of pressure on it. 687 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:05,385 Yeah. 688 00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:06,440 And then you'll feel her push. 689 00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,760 And as she pushes, just gently pull a bit harder. 690 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:09,920 - Yeah. - And when she's stopped pushing, 691 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,440 take the pressure off, if that makes sense? 692 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:12,920 I know exactly what you mean. 693 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,760 OK, well, we'll get in there. 694 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,280 - All right, bye, bye, bye. - Yeah. 695 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,440 Here we go, I'm gonna head on in. 696 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,760 The tongue is licking my glove. 697 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:37,440 Oh, come on. 698 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,600 I don't wanna hurt the calf's legs. 699 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:44,960 And I'm being licked. 700 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,280 Can I have some ropes? 701 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:57,240 Yep, that's both of them on. 702 00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:00,360 I'd dearly love to get this one out… 703 00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:03,200 just because I've not done it before. 704 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,400 Nearly. 705 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:18,560 Agh. 706 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:20,400 Oh God. 707 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,760 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 708 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:36,440 Oh God. 709 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,600 Kaleb. All right, dude. 710 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,720 All right? Has it calved or not? 711 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:43,000 - No. - No. 712 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:45,200 Come on, that's it. Got it? 713 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,440 - Shall I pull this up? - Pull, yeah. Nice! 714 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,600 - That's it, pull, pull, pull. - Yeah, I am doing, I am doing. 715 00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:55,640 You see, that's as far as you ever get. 716 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,680 Hold. Hold that pressure there. Now pull. 717 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:01,600 Hold. 718 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:03,840 Pull now, and then pull down a little bit. 719 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:05,400 That's it, go on. 720 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,640 Oh God! 721 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,480 - It's ripping my hands to shreds. - Yeah, will do. 722 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:21,280 Agh! 723 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:22,840 Let's give this a go, let me. 724 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:25,040 Try and get this on there. 725 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,480 You've got to go and get a birthday cake later. 726 00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:30,840 I know. 727 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,880 Right, there you go. Give that a go now. I'll just help out. 728 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:38,120 - That will… - Yeah? 729 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,280 That's much easier. 730 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,360 - You can control either side if you want. - Yeah, exactly. 731 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:42,520 You got it. 732 00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:47,280 Come on, girl, big push. There. 733 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,160 It's gonna go, it's gonna go. 734 00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:51,960 Can you just feel that? That's it there. Big pull now. 735 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,200 You got it. Just feel that contraction, yeah? 736 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:55,360 Yeah. 737 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:57,560 Oh, there's a head. 738 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,560 - There's a head. - Now, it's all yours now, yeah? 739 00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:04,080 Come on. 740 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,040 - If you pull down it's much easier. - Yeah, I'm trying to. 741 00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:09,280 Go on, go on. That's good, man. Good lad, good lad. 742 00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:12,040 That's it, well done. Let me help you, let me help you. 743 00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:13,400 Please be OK. 744 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,520 - Come on, breathe. - Come on, breathe, breathe. 745 00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:19,680 It's blinking. 746 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,040 Come on. Come on. 747 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,120 What I'm doing now is opening that airway. 748 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,680 Let's get that mother out so she can start licking her. 749 00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:32,720 Here you go. 750 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:35,560 - I'd say that was OK. - Yeah. 751 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:37,320 It's a long calf. 752 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,400 That's it, go on. Lick, girl. Lick, girl. Come on, please lick. 753 00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:44,480 That's it, there you go. That's it, good mum. 754 00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:46,600 Is she licking? Yes, she's licking. 755 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:52,600 Well done, mate. 756 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,160 My first one. 757 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,600 How did it go? 758 00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:56,920 - That is… - It's fucking good, innit? 759 00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:58,600 - Oh, fuck me that's good! - It's so good! 760 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:00,600 That is so good! 761 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:04,360 - Hey? - Ah. 762 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,560 - Ah! - Huh? 763 00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:09,800 - Hey? - I know, that is just the best. 764 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:11,080 That was all you! 765 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:14,080 That is proper… It's hard, isn't it, pulling it out? 766 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:19,600 Look at that! 767 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,760 What a fantastic day. 768 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:26,040 What a great, great, great day. 769 00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:35,120 Later on, Lisa and I went down to the wood 770 00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,200 where we used to keep the pigs. 771 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:40,520 It's hard work! 772 00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:43,320 To clear up some more storm damage. 773 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:01,080 I know. 774 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,560 - It's so silent. - It's been years and years, 775 00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:07,040 every time you come down here, they all come 776 00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,280 - running along to see you and now look. - I know! 777 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:14,240 Mind you, that being said, 778 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:17,880 it's not completely empty now, is it? 779 00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:20,800 Because look who's here. 780 00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:22,880 Ladies and gentlemen… 781 00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:25,120 Richard Ham. 782 00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:28,280 Look how he has grown! 783 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:30,440 - He has become a mighty pig! - Yes! 784 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:31,960 A huge pig! 785 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,880 Richard Ham! Come and say hello! 786 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:36,680 I should just explain what's going on here. Erm… 787 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:37,840 Hello! 788 00:39:38,240 --> 00:39:41,040 - We've kept him. We had to. - Hello! 789 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,480 The problem we've got, though, is he can't be a fluffer anymore 790 00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:47,280 'cause there's no more pigs to fluff. 791 00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:50,120 Erm, you can't eat him. 792 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:52,160 'Cause we just can't. 793 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:54,680 And we can't breed from him 794 00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,680 because there's something genetically wrong with him. 795 00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:58,840 Erm… 796 00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,080 So we've just got him. 797 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:03,600 And you can't keep a pig on its own. 798 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,600 So, over there we've got another pig, 799 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,720 another boy pig, and then he can have a friend. 800 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:10,960 What'll you call him? 801 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:12,440 - What, the friend? - Yeah. 802 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:15,040 Well, who is Richard Hammond's best friend? 803 00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:19,880 I'm not calling it James May. I'm not having a pig called James May. 804 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:24,840 Boar. Let's call him James Boar. 805 00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:28,360 - He is a boar! - He is a boar. 806 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,280 He is literally a boar. 807 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:33,120 Richard Ham and James Boar! 808 00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:39,560 What had been an extremely pleasant day ended well too. 809 00:40:41,240 --> 00:40:43,280 Because as the sun set, 810 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,320 Lisa and I made a thermos of Bovril, 811 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:47,960 drove out to the fields 812 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:52,720 and settled down for our new favourite date night. 813 00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:04,400 Look, look, he's stopped. 814 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,640 He's having a think about how to turn round. 815 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,480 He's turning round. 816 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:11,840 Oh my God, look at that. 817 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:17,000 I do feel like I'm from the 18th century 818 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:18,145 looking at tractors. 819 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:21,480 Yeah, the Starship Enterprise has just landed at Diddly Squat. 820 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:24,960 It's very soporific, isn't it? 821 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:27,640 It's incredible. 822 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:31,400 I'm sure there is something good on television. 823 00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:34,920 But nothing is as good as watching 824 00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:37,600 farming being revolutionised 825 00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:41,240 and just know that when you get up in the morning, 826 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:43,400 these two will be sitting drumming their fingers. 827 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:44,545 I know. 828 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:46,240 "OK, we've done that job." 829 00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:49,280 And I do feel like we need to give them jobs. They're happy. 830 00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:52,760 Do you think they talk to each other? 831 00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:53,960 No! 832 00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:55,240 Well, they must do. 833 00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:01,360 A few days later, 834 00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,960 all of the calves had been born 835 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:07,880 and the maternity ward was a joy to behold. 836 00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:10,440 Oh, look, he's off! 837 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:11,720 Oh, look at him! 838 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:13,280 Look how happy he is! 839 00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:14,720 Your turn! 840 00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:16,280 There you go. 841 00:42:16,720 --> 00:42:18,600 Look at this little calf! 842 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:21,720 I love watching that! 843 00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:23,400 Look at them bounce around. 844 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:24,560 They are adorable. 845 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:26,320 They've got space! 846 00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:30,920 And I've decided now… 847 00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:32,640 You know I'm gonna be 65 in a couple of weeks? 848 00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,440 - Yeah. - Retirement age. 849 00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:36,640 Well, historically always retirement age. 850 00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:37,960 I'm gonna be a cow midwife. 851 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:40,920 No golf, no watercolour painting. Midwifery for cows. 852 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:43,600 Bear in mind, you have seen, like, the good versions of it happening. 853 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,080 You pulled that one out on Saturday night. 854 00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:46,225 Yeah. 855 00:42:46,240 --> 00:42:49,640 - You haven't actually yet cut one out. - What do you mean, "cut one out"? 856 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,680 When the calf dies inside the mum and instead of doing a C-section, 857 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:54,960 you actually get the knife, go in, and cut the head off, 858 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:57,400 pull the head out and then take it limb by limb. 859 00:42:57,560 --> 00:42:58,760 It's disgusting. 860 00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:00,280 You haven't done that yet. 861 00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:02,185 What? 862 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,760 My fifth delivery when I was about fifteen. 863 00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:06,640 So everything was going smooth, yeah? 864 00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:08,200 And then all of a sudden, this cow… 865 00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:10,840 Unfortunately, the calf died inside the cow, yes? 866 00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,720 So instead of doing a C-section to take it out, what we had to do: 867 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:15,200 go in from the back, get a knife, 868 00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:17,160 cut round the head like this, cut the head off, 869 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,720 - pull the head out, get the legs… - What, up the vagina? 870 00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:21,080 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 871 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,600 - Cut the calf's head off? - Yeah. 872 00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:25,480 Take the head out. The calf's dead. 873 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,240 - Well, it would be. - The cow has been… 874 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,200 The cow was calving for about ten hours. 875 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,760 So, you know, it was time to come out or we'd have lost the mum as well. 876 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:35,280 - But you haven't done that yet. - Well, why didn't you do a C-section? 877 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,880 I don't know. The farmer didn't want to spend that much money 878 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:40,000 - and it was, you know, you could… - What? 879 00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:42,440 So he invited a fifteen-year-old boy 880 00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:45,360 to put a knife inside a cow's vagina 881 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,680 and butcher a calf while it was in there? 882 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:48,840 Yeah. 883 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:52,000 I'm rethinking my cow-midwifery retirement plan. 884 00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:54,920 You've seen the good side of it. This is the good side of it! 885 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,520 On a slightly less gruesome note, 886 00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:01,880 Kaleb then told me it was time to castrate the new boy calf, 887 00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:04,160 using a rubber band. 888 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,640 So what we've gotta do: open it up like this, 889 00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:08,200 pull the testicles out through here, 890 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,760 make sure both the testicles are in the sack, 891 00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,280 and then band, off, done. 892 00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:15,520 - So we've got to go… - Oh, look at his face! 893 00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:17,240 Look at his face! 894 00:44:17,440 --> 00:44:19,080 "Please don't cut my bollocks off!" 895 00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:20,400 Well, he doesn't know he's got bollocks, does he? 896 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:22,640 No, he wouldn't know yet, would he? 897 00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:24,720 Hello, calf! 898 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,360 Look, it literally upholstered in velvet, this one. 899 00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,200 - It's lovely, isn't it? - It's absolutely beautiful. 900 00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:32,960 Beautiful, beautiful. 901 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:34,160 Right, then. 902 00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:39,160 So you can't catch it. I'll find some autonomous machine that can. 903 00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:43,560 - So we come in from the back or? - Yeah, come in from the back. 904 00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:48,880 Oh, but Christ, they're quite big. 905 00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:51,000 Yeah, grab the testicles. 906 00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:54,400 He's gonna have a shit on you. 907 00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:57,360 Is that it? 908 00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:58,760 Well, have you got 'em? 909 00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:01,480 I don't know. I think so. Is…? 910 00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:03,720 Yeah, there you go, they're on. 911 00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:05,480 Now make sure that band comes off. 912 00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:08,080 - Well, how do I do that? - Push it off. It's quite hard. 913 00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:13,080 We're holding hands while fondling an animal's bollocks. 914 00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:14,440 Right, now off you come. 915 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,360 Oh, you just put your hand in the shit! 916 00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:20,640 It shat all over me. 917 00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:24,640 Oh, the smell. 918 00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:26,760 No! Now you got it on your nose and everything! 919 00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:29,080 What? Oh fucking hell! 920 00:45:29,240 --> 00:45:32,240 It's all over every… I'm covered in diarrhoea! 921 00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:35,120 Is it on my face? 922 00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:36,320 Yes! 923 00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:42,800 Urgh! A cow shat in my mouth! 924 00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:46,920 Fuck you! 925 00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,840 I'm… That's it, fuck it, I'm going to London. 926 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,160 - I'm going to London, Kaleb. That's it. - Hey? 927 00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,560 I'm done. 928 00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:01,280 I'm going to London in a Bentley. 929 00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:06,600 I'm gonna see my friends who work in advertising and law and the theatre. 930 00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:09,360 Urgh. 931 00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:13,040 Fucking hell. 932 00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:20,280 Oh God! 933 00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:26,560 In the end, I decided not to move back to London. 934 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,680 Because the crops were in on time, 935 00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,440 the calves were in good health, 936 00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:42,440 and the weather was perfect. 937 00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:48,720 So, for the first time since I'd started farming all those years ago, 938 00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:51,520 life at Diddly Squat 939 00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:56,240 was an absolute dream. 940 00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:02,880 Sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels odd 941 00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:04,840 but actually the taste is delicious. 942 00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:06,040 I'm not loving that. 943 00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:08,240 We're building a leaky, woody dam. 944 00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:10,360 We're like human beavers. 945 00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:12,960 It's a magnificent beast, as you can see. 946 00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:14,560 Not the easiest thing to sell in the world. 947 00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:17,000 Lot 12-46. £60,000.