1 00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:03,916 [TV playing indistinctly] 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,832 Reese's had the remote for four hours. 3 00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:10,097 That's four hours of mindless crap in five-second increments. 4 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,186 You go to the bathroom, you lose the remote. 5 00:00:12,229 --> 00:00:13,230 Fine. 6 00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:15,928 I can wait. 7 00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:17,278 I don't know. 8 00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:19,236 You drank a lot of soda... it must really be pushing 9 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,064 up against the walls of your bladder. 10 00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,761 Not going to work. 11 00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:26,330 And then, I had four glasses of Dad's iced tea. 12 00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:28,985 He just kept pouring... and pouring... 13 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,639 Not going to work. 14 00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:33,555 The equivalent of three semi trailers of water 15 00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:36,079 pour over the falls every second. 16 00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,776 Not going to work. 17 00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:40,127 [slurping noisily, Reese groaning] 18 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:44,348 Not... going to.... work! 19 00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:47,351 Turns out this is way better than anything on TV. 20 00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:48,352 [Reese groans] 21 00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:52,139 ♪ Yes, no, maybe 22 00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:54,532 ♪ I don't know 23 00:00:54,576 --> 00:01:00,016 ♪ Can you repeat the question? 24 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,105 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 25 00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:03,976 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 26 00:01:04,019 --> 00:01:05,978 ♪ And you're not so big 27 00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:08,329 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 28 00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,331 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 29 00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:13,116 ♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪ 30 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,902 ♪ And you're not so big 31 00:01:16,946 --> 00:01:20,732 ♪ Life is unfair. 32 00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:22,952 HAL: All right. 33 00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:24,345 Turn it. 34 00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:25,781 Turn it. Turn it. 35 00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:27,217 No! Too far. Go back. 36 00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:28,392 Back, back, back, back back, back, back... 37 00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:29,785 Right there, there, there, there. There. 38 00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,526 Okay, just three more inches clockwise. 39 00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,005 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. 40 00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:35,138 Okay, back a couple degrees... couple degrees 41 00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:36,183 And keep 'er steady. 42 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,358 Steady... yeah! 43 00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,272 There. Perfect. 44 00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:40,404 [laughs] 45 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,971 Oh. 46 00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:44,191 These needles here are going against the grain. 47 00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:46,976 That's all I'm going to be able to look at. 48 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,500 Don't move. 49 00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:52,024 Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. 50 00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:54,418 You can leave right after Christmas. 51 00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,028 I am not visiting that woman. 52 00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:57,378 She's evil and she hates me. 53 00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:59,075 Francis, this is family. 54 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,556 This is Grandma's first Christmas since Grandpa died 55 00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:02,557 and you live the closest. 56 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,993 How can you be so selfish? 57 00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:06,126 Well, did you invite her to yourhouse? 58 00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:09,172 She knows she's always welcome. 59 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,043 Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus 60 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:12,175 and come down and surprise you. 61 00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,177 Don't you threaten me. 62 00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:16,962 I am ending this discussion. 63 00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,877 You are going to Whitehorse. 64 00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,401 You are going to the drugstore 65 00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,446 to buy her a gift, and you are both 66 00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:23,404 going to have a proper Christmas. 67 00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,666 [boys laughing in distance] 68 00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,450 REESE: Aw, look at the little baby! 69 00:02:26,494 --> 00:02:27,408 [crashing, clattering] 70 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,888 DEWEY: I hate you! 71 00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:31,673 [Malcolm and Reese laughing] 72 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,197 Get this off of me, you stupid son of a... 73 00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:35,285 Boys! 74 00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,374 Dewey asked us to do it. 75 00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,637 What is wrong with you? 76 00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:40,682 [Dewey grunting] 77 00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:42,074 The tree is barely 78 00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:44,468 in the door and already you're starting. 79 00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:49,517 [snipping] 80 00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:54,261 I can't leave you alone for even one second 81 00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,654 without you trying to kill each other. 82 00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:58,917 This is supposed to be a happy time! 83 00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,484 I don't know what it is 84 00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:03,270 but Mom freaks out about something every Christmas. 85 00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:06,360 ♪ Buon natale, a Merry Christmas to you... ♪ 86 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,318 Ho-ho-ho! 87 00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:12,235 ♪ Buon nataleto everyone ♪ 88 00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,368 ♪ Happy New Year and lots of fun ♪ 89 00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:18,328 ♪ Buon natale♪ 90 00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:21,113 ♪ May all your wishes come true ♪ 91 00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,681 ♪ Buon nataleto Italy ♪ 92 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:27,294 ♪ Means a Merry Christmas 93 00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:30,166 ♪ To you! LOIS: Who did this?! Who did this?! 94 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,298 HAL: Drop and roll, honey. 95 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,125 Who did this? 96 00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:35,389 For God's sakes, drop and roll! 97 00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,391 Maybe it's lack of sunlight in the winter. 98 00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,306 I heard that messes up some people's brains. 99 00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:40,959 [knocking on door] 100 00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,138 Hi, Grandma. 101 00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,227 [grunts] 102 00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,927 For God's sakes, it's colder in here. 103 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:53,494 Don't you turn the heat on? 104 00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:55,626 I'm not going to pay those pirates. 105 00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,889 Of course not. 106 00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,456 Well, in the spirit of the season, 107 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,197 let's begin this pathetic charade. 108 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,939 I never know what you're talking about. 109 00:04:03,982 --> 00:04:05,897 You talk like a jackass. 110 00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:09,510 [plastic crunching] 111 00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:13,905 [card playing "Jingle Bells"] 112 00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,690 You do this to torture me? 113 00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:16,952 To hurt me? 114 00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:18,387 You don't like Christmas music? 115 00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:19,998 It sounds like a song they sang 116 00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:22,523 when they would ride through the villages 117 00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,568 and throw the babies into the fire. 118 00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:26,353 They sang "Jingle Bells"? 119 00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:29,138 They sang something. 120 00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:35,144 Well, look at that-- 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. 121 00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:36,363 Where do I sleep? 122 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,364 You're sitting on it. 123 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:38,452 Does it turn into a bed? 124 00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,715 Yes, it becomes a bed. 125 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,544 It's a special, magic sofa. 126 00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:46,590 It opens up for magic, lazy boy 127 00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:49,550 and angels come and feed you grapes 128 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,813 and sing to you while you sleep 129 00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:55,033 and it flies around the room granting wishes 130 00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:57,035 for boys what are stupid. 131 00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,255 All right! It doesn't fold out. 132 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,604 Can I look yet? 133 00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,824 Just a minute. 134 00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:05,348 Hey, this is supposed to be to Dewey from both of us. 135 00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,349 I picked it out. 136 00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:07,394 I stepped in it. 137 00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:15,010 Hey! 138 00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,490 Hey... 139 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,926 ♪ 140 00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:21,408 [kids roughhousing] 141 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,452 REESE: Gotcha! 142 00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:30,547 [gasps] 143 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:31,722 [gasps] 144 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:32,941 Uh, Mom. 145 00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:34,464 How nice to see you home. 146 00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:37,989 I have had it! 147 00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:40,644 What are you doing? 148 00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:42,385 I am taking everything. 149 00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,082 Every present, 150 00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,780 every decoration, every treat. 151 00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,521 I am locking it in the garage. 152 00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:50,262 Every single Christmas you scream or burn 153 00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:53,483 or break or destroy, and I am putting a stop to it! 154 00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:54,528 She's stealing Christmas! 155 00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:55,790 Mom, you can't do this! 156 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,226 Yeah, this is the last year 157 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,097 Dewey will believe in Santa Claus. 158 00:05:59,141 --> 00:05:59,881 What?! 159 00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,186 If you boys behave 160 00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:02,405 until Christmas morning 161 00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:05,016 there will be a Christmas morning. 162 00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:08,106 Otherwise, these are going back to the store 163 00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:10,326 and Christmas will be canceled! 164 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,633 You wouldn't cancel Christmas. 165 00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,417 You're bluffing. 166 00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,158 [sobbing] 167 00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:28,910 You canceled Christmas?! 168 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:30,564 I'm not canceling Christmas. 169 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,608 I'm holding it hostage. 170 00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:32,827 I know, it seems harsh, 171 00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:34,568 but nothing else has ever worked. 172 00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:35,699 Every year, we yell 173 00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:38,354 we threaten, we bargain, we beg. 174 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,921 Maybe this time they'll behave. 175 00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:41,139 We're in this together. 176 00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,576 I'm playing the unity card. 177 00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:44,621 But...The unity card, Hal. 178 00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,057 But... 179 00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,103 I love Christmas. 180 00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:50,453 I know you do, dear. 181 00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:54,762 Isn't there anything that trumps the unity card? 182 00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,462 Hal... 183 00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,904 [switch clicks] 184 00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:13,476 I really think we can win this 'Nam thing. 185 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:18,133 [coughing] 186 00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:22,572 Hey, that's not for you. 187 00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,835 That's for the carolers. 188 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,533 [coughing] 189 00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,624 [hacking] 190 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,713 You're ruining smoking for me. 191 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,411 You sound like you're dying. 192 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,934 You'd like that, wouldn't you? 193 00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:39,633 You can't wait to get your hands on my things. 194 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,765 Oh, yeah, Grandma, I got big plans for these doilies 195 00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:43,114 and I really want that can of peaches 196 00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,768 that's been on your shelf for 30 years. 197 00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,553 Don't touch my peaches. 198 00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,555 Oh, like I'm really going to touch... 199 00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:51,079 [distant singing] 200 00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:53,516 [coughing] 201 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,301 [carolers singing "Carol of the Bells"] 202 00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:57,781 Stop your racket! 203 00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,654 Decent people are trying to sleep! 204 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,177 You stupid music! 205 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:05,572 There is no figgy pudding for you here! 206 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,711 Please pass the syrup, please. 207 00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:16,670 Thank you. 208 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,193 You are very welcome. 209 00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:19,629 More coffee?Please. 210 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,457 I'll get it for you, Mom.That's okay. 211 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,112 Well, then, I hope you'll let us wash the dishes. 212 00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,548 We'd love to!Absolutely! 213 00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,942 Now, that, I'll take you up on. 214 00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:30,640 I think we can do this. 215 00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:32,990 It's Christmas Eve, and we've behaved for ten hours. 216 00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,775 Okay, eight were sleep, but still. 217 00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,732 We can make it through another 24, right? 218 00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:37,821 Who wants the last waffle? 219 00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:39,301 DEWEY AND REESE: I do! 220 00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:41,738 Oh, no! 221 00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:45,002 You know, I would really 222 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,961 like that waffle. 223 00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,572 Yes, but I am a growing boy. 224 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,619 Perhaps it would be best if I had the waffle. 225 00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,718 Thanks for offering it to me, boys. 226 00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,200 They are such good boys. 227 00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:14,118 [accordion music playing over TV] 228 00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:21,735 ["Jingle Bells" playing] 229 00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,780 [song stops] 230 00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,655 [song plays and stops] 231 00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:32,659 [song plays] 232 00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:34,182 Ow! 233 00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,749 God, what the hell is wrong with you? 234 00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,402 You like pushing me? 235 00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,709 That's what happens when you push, big, tough guy. 236 00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:43,104 Can't you do the entire family a favor and just die?! 237 00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:46,455 All you have ever done is treat us like dirt! 238 00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:48,849 You shouldn't even be allowed to be a grandma. 239 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,111 Are you finished? 240 00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:51,416 Yes, I am... 241 00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:53,723 [screams, groans] 242 00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,117 Oh, I am so sorry. 243 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,814 Oh... 244 00:09:57,858 --> 00:10:01,557 I should have kissed your boo-boos and made them better. 245 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,776 I was supposed to tell 246 00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,647 the bad little boy stories 247 00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,257 and bake you giant sugar cookies 248 00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:09,260 and knit you nice, fluffy sweaters. 249 00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,045 I should have carried you and held you 250 00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:14,439 and told you how much I loved your diapers. 251 00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,704 Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off? 252 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:20,576 After my Magnum, P.I. 253 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,057 Lois! I'm home! 254 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,018 Now, honey, 255 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,541 I know I'm not supposed to do this 256 00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,108 but I saw something in the store today 257 00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:32,283 and I had to get it for you. 258 00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545 It's a little more than 259 00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:35,069 we agreed we would spend on each other 260 00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,897 but I figured hey, it's Christmas. 261 00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:39,116 We have the whole rest of the year to follow the rules. 262 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,249 It's beautiful. 263 00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:43,817 I mean, isn't that what this season is all about? 264 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:47,081 You know, relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy? 265 00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:50,258 Hal, that's so sweet and thoughtful. 266 00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,390 I hope I get to open it. 267 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,874 Rats! 268 00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,964 You're doing it all wrong. 269 00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,531 You have seven ornaments. 270 00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:03,706 I'm putting them on your tree. 271 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,707 How could I do it wrong? 272 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,536 Go get the angel off mantel. 273 00:11:12,236 --> 00:11:14,412 Who's this? 274 00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:18,460 That is your grandfather, when he was young man. 275 00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:23,291 Ugh! Tell me that eyebrow thing isn't genetic. 276 00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:26,163 You and him-- both the same. 277 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,818 Always had to have your own way; 278 00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:30,167 nothing ever good enough. 279 00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:32,996 Always have to fight everything. 280 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,913 Victor always had to be so independent. 281 00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:41,135 Left home when he was 11, lived on his own. 282 00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:43,006 Got work on a farm 283 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,792 plowing the fields, like a man. 284 00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:47,924 Worked 18 hours a day. 285 00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,752 Had to sleep with the pigs 286 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:53,538 but he never complained. 287 00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:55,018 He was strong. 288 00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,020 [grunting] 289 00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,848 He made something of himself. 290 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:02,156 Nobody's like that anymore. 291 00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:06,160 Everybody's too soft. 292 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,902 Hey, Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that? 293 00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,427 Your grandfather was tough. 294 00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:16,692 He didn't take anything from anybody. 295 00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,392 [slurring]: He was... proud. 296 00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:24,395 A man of... honor. 297 00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:27,834 He was a wonderful... 298 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:32,055 wonderful man. 299 00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:36,320 Victor... 300 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:40,847 du kaya mischna... 301 00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,982 Grandma? 302 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:48,855 Grandma? 303 00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,508 Oh! 304 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,164 Oh, God! 305 00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:55,426 [snoring quietly] 306 00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:59,256 Ugh! 307 00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,262 [groans] 308 00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:06,916 Just one more night. 309 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,918 We can get through one night. [laughs nervously] 310 00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,485 We should be proud of ourselves. 311 00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:11,747 Everything's put away. 312 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,227 We haven't had a single fight. 313 00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,837 We did it. 314 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,273 We're going to get presents? 315 00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,535 We're going to get presents. 316 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,494 What do we do now? 317 00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,235 I guess we could take a nap. 318 00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:22,497 Or maybe play quietly-- 319 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,717 very quietly. 320 00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:26,893 [squeaking] 321 00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:28,198 [gasps] 322 00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:31,811 Shut up, Petey, shut up! 323 00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,991 God, I'll be so glad when Christmas is over. 324 00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,557 Yeah, we'll be safe for another year. 325 00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:41,472 Mom's doing this next Christmas? 326 00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,473 Why wouldn't she? 327 00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,779 It worked, didn't it? 328 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,476 And what if it's not just Christmas? 329 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:46,738 What do you mean? 330 00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,131 What if she does it for other things 331 00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:49,916 like Halloween or Fourth of July? 332 00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:50,917 Or our birthdays? 333 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,222 She can't do this! 334 00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:53,789 I can't take it anymore. 335 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,312 We have to do something to stop her. 336 00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:56,444 Something drastic. 337 00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:57,271 I'm in. 338 00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:58,707 Mom needs to know 339 00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,752 she can't take special occasions hostage. 340 00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,972 She needs to know we don't negotiate. 341 00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:05,322 She turned a beautiful family holiday 342 00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,977 into a nightmare. 343 00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:11,154 It's time we show her the true spirit of Christmas. 344 00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,695 Now, before you say anything, I don't want you 345 00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,175 to think of this as Christmas cider. 346 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,612 This is nondenominational "winter" cider. 347 00:14:34,656 --> 00:14:36,701 Though the boys are doing so well, I... 348 00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,573 [crying] 349 00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:40,053 Lois? 350 00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:41,924 I'm a terrible mother. 351 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:45,362 I shouldn't be allowed to have children. 352 00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:46,363 Oh, sweetie... 353 00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:48,148 I ruined Christmas. 354 00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:49,758 What do you mean? 355 00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,978 The boys are behaving like I never knew they could behave. 356 00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,066 I thought that's what you wanted. 357 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,590 Yeah, but I didn't want it like this. 358 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,201 I wanted to take it back five minutes 359 00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,811 after I starting grabbing those presents, 360 00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,988 but I didn't know how. 361 00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:04,294 I'm a monster. 362 00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:05,861 No, no, you're not monster. 363 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,168 I am. I really am. 364 00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:09,169 No, you're not a monster. 365 00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,867 Why don't you just admit I'm a monster! 366 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,174 All right, in this particular case, 367 00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,523 you're a monster. 368 00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:16,611 I know. 369 00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:17,612 [crying] 370 00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:18,961 [phone rings] 371 00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,355 Just let the machine get it. 372 00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:25,750 Come on, you know how when you cry it makes me cry. 373 00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,623 You are a wonderful mother. 374 00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:31,234 And you're a wonderful person. 375 00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:32,888 [over answering machine]: Hey, Mom, it's Francis. 376 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,194 I just want you to know that I am disgusted 377 00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:35,760 with the way you treat Grandma. 378 00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:38,198 Abandoning a helpless old woman at Christmas. 379 00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,200 I hope you're ashamed of yourself. 380 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,203 I am. I am. 381 00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,466 Hal, the boys don't deserve this. 382 00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:48,077 I mean, they're a little high-spirited 383 00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:50,079 but they're good, good boys. 384 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,821 God, this feels so right. 385 00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:55,911 This is way better than real Christmas. 386 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,653 Remember, mess them up just enough 387 00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,916 so mom can't return them. 388 00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,005 Wait a minute. 389 00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,790 Mom got me the exact video game I asked for. 390 00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:10,056 These are better than what I asked for. 391 00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,146 You know what? 392 00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:16,236 Mom got me everything I wanted. 393 00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:18,238 Me, too. 394 00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,283 She listened to us. 395 00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:23,243 Okay, so she got lucky a few times. 396 00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:26,246 I never asked for a stupid globe. 397 00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:27,073 That's mine. 398 00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,075 The cleats are yours. 399 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:30,467 Oh. 400 00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,731 Mom really tried this year. 401 00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:36,430 All she wanted was a nice Christmas 402 00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:37,822 and we ruined it. 403 00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:41,304 In all fairness, we ruin everything. 404 00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:45,091 Remember how happy we were a minute ago? 405 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,875 How do we go back? 406 00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,094 I don't know. 407 00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,097 Do we have any paint left? 408 00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:53,229 No. 409 00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:57,016 Oh, well. 410 00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:01,629 What are you doing? 411 00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,065 I'm doing you a favor, 412 00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:05,546 so why don't you shut up and enjoy it. 413 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,163 What is this? 414 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,557 Oh, you don't want to look in there. 415 00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:17,688 It's too sad. 416 00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:18,689 No, Grandma, 417 00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:19,733 what are all these things? 418 00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,474 I mean, look at this. 419 00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,520 There must be, like, a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here. 420 00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:26,871 $2,735. 421 00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,570 $4,500 Canadian. 422 00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,137 What are they doing in your closet? 423 00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,660 They're gifts. 424 00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:36,142 For the family, for relatives, for friends. 425 00:17:36,185 --> 00:17:38,187 But you never give presents. You... 426 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,929 Oh, my God, Donatello with pizza-throwing action. 427 00:17:40,972 --> 00:17:42,974 I wanted one of these when I was six. 428 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,455 I know you did. I bought that for you. 429 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:46,674 No, you didn't. 430 00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:47,805 Yes, I did. 431 00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:50,243 And then, right before Christmas, 432 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,462 your Mommy put you on the phone 433 00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,595 you called me "poopie" and hung up. 434 00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:58,251 Is that the bread maker Mom was asking for last year? 435 00:17:58,294 --> 00:17:59,295 If she wants bread so much 436 00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:00,470 she should write back 437 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,821 when her mother writes to her. 438 00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,476 Oh, this was for Cousin Nikola. 439 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,349 I spent a day shopping for it. 440 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,960 Then she marries a Protestant. 441 00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,310 That camera, for your father, 442 00:18:14,354 --> 00:18:18,140 right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store-- ugh! 443 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:23,145 All the nice things I do for people. 444 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:26,366 Oh, my God, you're crazy! 445 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,412 I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts! 446 00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,284 What are you talking about? 447 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:33,416 Gifts aren't conditional-- they're gifts! 448 00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,592 You give them to people because you love them. 449 00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:37,420 They're not something you can take away 450 00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:38,943 because of some petty slight. 451 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,380 You're not teaching people anything. 452 00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,251 You haven't gotten back at them. 453 00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:43,861 They don't even know they've upset you. 454 00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,211 All you have done here is-is... 455 00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:48,344 constructed a monument to your own insanity! 456 00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,607 What kind of a person does that?! 457 00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:53,958 A lonely... 458 00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,787 bitter... old woman. 459 00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:57,788 What?! 460 00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:59,834 Look what I've done. 461 00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:04,273 What use is all these things to me now? 462 00:19:05,405 --> 00:19:07,450 They could have brought someone some happiness; 463 00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:09,278 instead, they rot here. 464 00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,584 [gasps] 465 00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:15,241 Grandma?My hea... heart. 466 00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:20,202 I... I think it's melting. 467 00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:25,207 Yes... it's melting. 468 00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:28,254 Oh... you showed me the way... 469 00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:31,300 Francis, by yelling at me. 470 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,389 Quick, go get my magic sled 471 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:37,088 and me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas 472 00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,482 to all the mean, stupid, rude people. 473 00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:42,355 We'll all join hands and sing songs. 474 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:43,443 And we'll sprinkle 475 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:44,922 the ingrates with fairy dust 476 00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,141 and my... 477 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,708 Are you sure you want to do this? 478 00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:49,623 Yes. I don't know what I was thinking; 479 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,407 taking presents away from children? 480 00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:54,062 What kind of a sick person does that? 481 00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:56,499 Look, I just want to get everything out of the garage 482 00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:59,067 set it up in the house, and have a nice Christmas. 483 00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,808 You know what? 484 00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:02,897 Why don't we wake up the boys and have Christmas tonight? 485 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:06,901 I can't wait to see the look on their sweet little faces. 486 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:22,525 Well, Hal, that was... 487 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:25,876 smart of you to wake up the boys 488 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:31,099 so they could help us carry in the presents. 489 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,537 Yes... yes... uh... 490 00:20:34,581 --> 00:20:37,192 well, come on, come on, hurry up, boys. 491 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,413 Yeah. Sure. Okay. 492 00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:52,599 [card playing "Jingle Bells"] 493 00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:57,778 I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakooshnyik. 494 00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:03,131 [grunting and groaning] 495 00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:09,355 [music stops] 496 00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:14,534 [another musical card starts playing in distance] 497 00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:17,537 Yoric greblech! 498 00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:18,799 [gasps] 499 00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,148 Roller skates! 500 00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:21,932 Oh, I hope you like them, sweetie. 501 00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:25,371 Ooh, I think we have another present here for Reese. 502 00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:27,111 I wonder what it is. 503 00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:29,375 This really is the best Christmas we've ever had. 504 00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:31,159 I don't know why we didn't try 505 00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:32,552 this whole denial thing a long time ago. 506 00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,510 ♪ Merry Christmas to you! ♪