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This is daily notes log
for attempt number three
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of my Neighbourhood experiment.
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Obviously, I hope and assume
this will be the final version.
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No, I know it will be.
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All the kinks have been worked out.
This is the one.
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And after I pull this off,
they're gonna hang my picture
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in the Bad Place Hall of Fame
right next to the guy
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who invented bees with teeth.
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You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
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Cool.
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I'm Chris Baker.
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I'm your soulmate.
- Bring it in, man.
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Sorry, I must ask,
why are you wearing a sash
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that says "best person" on it?
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Apparently,
I am the number one points-getter
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in the entire Neighbourhood.
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Is that so?
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I always have to have my sashes
custom-made
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due to my height and bosom size.
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Also, apparently,
sashes are out this season.
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The diagonal line really draws one's eye
to the chin bloat.
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Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.
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Run! Giraffes! Giraffes! Run!
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Oh! Mean giraffes are destroying
the Neighbourhood.
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Gah!
- Oh, boy.
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Hey, robot slave lady?
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Busty Alexa?
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Oh, Janet?
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- Hi, there.
- Gah!
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Still not used to it.
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Uh, hey, what if I,
an already amazing person
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who definitely belongs here,
wanted to learn even more
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about how to be a good person?
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Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher
or a life coach
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or an Instagram fitness model
or something?
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Eleanor, I'd like you to meet
Chidi Anagonye.
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Chidi, this is Eleanor.
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Janet tells me you were
a professor of some kind.
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Yes, I was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy
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focusing on deontology.
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Hang on one second, Chibi.
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This guy's too big of a nerd.
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Who else you got?
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Michael, what do we do here?
- I don't know.
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Apparently, the Bad Place knows
that one of you
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actually belongs down there with them,
and they want that person
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to get inside the obelisk,
or they're gonna take all of you.
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I can't go. I'm too young to die
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and too old to eat off the kids' menu.
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What a stupid age I am.
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I'd never survive down there.
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They should take Eleanor.
She's a pear shape.
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She'd fit right in.
- Oh, excuse me.
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You wish you could have a bite
of this pear.
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I'll go. I deserve to go.
You guys can stay.
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Holy forking shirt.
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You guys, don't you get it?
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Michael is torturing us.
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That's why our lives have been
so miserable
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since the moment we got here.
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This isn't the Good Place.
It's the Bad Place.
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Ah, farts.
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OK, attempt number 11.
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Let's focus on the positives.
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Eleanor always hates her house.
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Tahani always hates Eleanor.
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Jason hates being quiet.
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Chidi immediately gets a stomach ache.
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So there's a lot to work with here.
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Hang on one second, Cheeto.
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So it's gonna be a hard pass on
Superdork Jones over there.
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Anybody else you got to teach me?
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You guys ready for our lesson?
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We're talking David Hume today,
bundle theory of the self, baby.
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Sounds like a real banger,
but you guys gotta scram.
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My soulmate has some sort of surprise
planned for me
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and he seems very excited about it.
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Well, you two are certainly getting
along very well these days.
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Yeah, I'm actually kind of
into Sebastian lately.
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I mean, he's a little hokey,
but he's growing on me a little bit.
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My love, my sweet dewdrop
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I have written you a three-hour
spoken-word jazz opera.
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Cool!
- ♪ Eleanor, less and more ♪
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♪ Who's it for? ♪
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♪ For you, my dewdrop
cream of the crop ♪
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♪ Top to the bop to the bop to the top ♪
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OK, no, no.
- What?
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No version of heaven for anyone
would ever include three hours of...
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this.
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We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?
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Damn it.
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That was a real trip for biscuits,
and now we're all wet, Daddy-O.
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I never even got to play
my stupid triangle.
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No, no, no, no
Michael, please, please, please!
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Please don't kill me.
I have so much to live for.
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I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you
every time I start over.
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Oh, I know.
I'm not actually upset.
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It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism
that kicks in every time
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you approach the plunger.
Go ahead.
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Ah.
- Michael, you monster!
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Attempt 32.
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Attempt 57.
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Attempt 99.
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Attempt 108.
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I've analysed some recent data.
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Eleanor always seems to realise
that they're in the Bad Place
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- just at the moment that...
- Excuse me.
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Sorry, the door was open,
so I just came in.
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Did you just say I'm in the Bad Place?
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Attempt 109.
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I've closed and locked the door.
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Yep, and we're ready to go.
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This is your soulmate, Greg.
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This is your soulmate, Glenn.
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This is your soulmate, Tahani.
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This is your soulmate, Lerf.
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This is your soulmate,
a golden retriever.
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Hang on.
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Wait a minute.
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You know what?
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Holy smokes.
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This is the Bad Place.
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This is the Bad Place!
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This is the Bad Place.
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This is the Bad Place.
- The pig's getting angry.
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This is the Bad Place!
- Bees, bees, bees, bees!
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Oh! Oh, this is the Bad Place.
- Shh!
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Michael, Michael, if I'm gone,
who will take care of my birds?
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Michael, no, no, no, no, no!
I... I'm pregnant.
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And it's your baby.
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I have tickets to "Hamilton" next week,
and there's a rumour
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that Daveed Diggs is coming back.
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Janet, we've been through this
hundreds of times.
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I mean, can you just chill out?
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Is that possible, Janet?
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Can you just chill out a little?
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Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.
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Yeah, yeah, I know.
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No, no, no! No, Michael!
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Please, please, calm down.
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Calm down. Alright...
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OK, calm down. Calm down.
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I mean, why even bother at this point?
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I'm obviously never gonna get it right.
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"I'm Eleanor. I'm so smart."
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"I'm actually in the Bad Place."
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Shawn still thinks I'm on version two.
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I just keep lying to him,
and it's really bad, but I...
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I mean, I have to keep trying.
I'm in too deep.
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And I'm really fat right now.
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I'm stress-eating,
and I'm gaining weight in my thighs.
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I mean, look at that...
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Ugh.
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So sorry. Who are you?
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And where am I?
- It doesn't matter.
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This one doesn't even count.
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Hang on one second, Chili.
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This guy sucks.
Who else you got?
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I can hear you.
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Michael, you simply cannot expect Chidi
to decide whether Eleanor goes to the...
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Yo, yo, homies, check it.
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There's something messed up
with this place.
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We keep fighting with each other.
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None of the TVs
get the NFL RedZone channel.
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My soulmate doesn't even know
who Blake Bortles is.
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I know this sounds crazy
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but I think we're in the Bad Place.
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Jason figured it out?
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Jason?
This is a real low point.
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Yeah, this one hurts.
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Ow.
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OK, this might be the one.
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We're a week in.
Chidi's teaching Eleanor, but she hates it.
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Tahani still thinks that Jason's a monk.
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Everyone's miserable.
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I'm so happy.
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Fingers crossed.
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Vicky, where is everyone?
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They're not coming, Michael.
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You have lost control of this experiment
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so we are on strike
until our demands are met.
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I speak for the entire crew, Michael.
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We're sick of it.
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We can barely remember what we're supposed
to be doing anymore, plus...
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I spent weeks
perfecting this excellent Australian accent
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I did. And then I never got a chance
to use it.
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You're still upset about the size
of your part?
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Yes, I want a more important role.
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But that's just my demand.
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All 318 of us have something
we want to do differently.
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Some people want bigger houses.
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Gayle wants a different backstory
where she was an MMA fighter?
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Gunnar wants to bite and/or nibble
on humans while they sleep.
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You do know, Vicky
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that if I were to do some of these
that it would be a dead giveaway?
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And I can help you explain that to them.
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But some of these are doable.
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And you're gonna do 'em.
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So Aristotle believes your character
is voluntary, because, uh...
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are you ignoring me right now?
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It's day two of our ethics lessons,
and you're already tuning out?
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00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,152
No, sorry, I just got distracted
for a second.
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The last thing I remember you saying is...
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nothing.
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Can you start from the beginning?
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OK, I need a little break.
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Can we take a walk or something,
maybe get some clam chowder?
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00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,626
Where is everyone?
- Who knows?
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Maybe they finally figured out
clam chowder is disgusting
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00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,844
cos it's basically a savoury latte
with bugs in it.
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Is someone smoking a cigar?
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00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,427
Michael really screwed this up.
213
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,395
The regular Bad Place was fine.
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00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,725
If the four-headed flying bears
ain't broke, don't fix 'em.
215
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,742
What was wrong with impaling?
I loved impaling.
216
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,937
Hey, Todd, got a light?
217
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,945
Uh, yeah, obviously I have a light.
218
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,038
You know, you guys aren't
supposed to be smoking.
219
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,865
You're supposed to keep
your human suit on.
220
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,700
Those suits are really itchy for us.
221
00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,239
Who even cares if they see us?
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00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,283
They're just gonna get rebooted anyway.
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00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:30,202
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
225
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,252
This is the Bad Place! I forking knew it!
226
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:36,505
And clam chowder is disgusting.
227
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,887
It's just hot ocean milk
with dead animal croutons.
228
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,450
OK, but what do we do, panic, freak?
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I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.
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00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,885
We have to stay cool.
As my mum always used to say
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if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack
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there's always something
you can gnaw through.
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Your mum always said that?
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Come on, brain.
235
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- Janet!
- Hi, there.
236
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,676
How can I help you?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:03,035
How do we know she's not a part of it?
- We don't, but we gotta risk it.
238
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:06,156
Janet, can we, like, leave
the Neighbourhood
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get as far away as possible?
Is there anywhere we can go?
240
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:15,919
So, we're in the Bad Place, and I know why.
Almond milk.
241
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,045
I knew it was bad for the environment
242
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,591
but I loved the way
it coated my tongue with a weird film.
243
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,006
Who else is being tortured?
Are we the only two?
244
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,975
I got to assume Jason is as well, Jianyu.
245
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,431
You know him as Jianyu,
but his real name is Jason
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and he's a dirt bag from Florida.
247
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,431
What?
- Also, Tahani is a candidate
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00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,567
as far as I'm concerned.
249
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,439
Yesterday, she told me
that she was Taylor Swift's best friend
250
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,520
but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend.
251
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:40,113
She sucks.
252
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,617
No offense, but I can't believe
you and I ended up in the same place.
253
00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,465
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either, bud.
254
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,371
I always assumed the afterlife was
full of cool people
255
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:49,785
not talking sweater vests.
256
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,326
- You...
- We're here.
257
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,749
Aren't trains neat? Choo-choo!
258
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:03,886
Hi. You gotta help us.
259
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:05,384
I'm Eleanor. This is Chidi.
260
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,369
And see, we thought we were
in the Good Place
261
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:08,884
but as it turns out...
- Yeah, guys.
262
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,896
I know. You've been here 15 times already.
263
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,065
What?
264
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,932
Did you bring the cocaine I asked for?
265
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:17,438
Please tell me you somehow
remembered this time.
266
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,611
Mama needs her medicine.
267
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:20,864
We've met before?
268
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,737
I'm Janet.
- I know.
269
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,743
Vicky, let's look at the big picture here.
270
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,739
Now, if you all can just stick with my plan
271
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,537
and we pull it off, we'll be heroes.
272
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,451
You could write your own ticket.
273
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,789
You might even land
the "Jared from Subway" account.
274
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:41,091
Yeah, but I don't think you can pull it off.
275
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:44,006
You can't even pull off those bow ties.
276
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,348
That was very mean,
but I'm gonna move past that
277
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:49,925
in the name of unit cohesion.
278
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:52,932
You're gonna reboot
those four dum-dums one more time
279
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:54,646
and then I'm taking over.
280
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,437
I'm going to execute my version
of this Neighbourhood.
281
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,228
You see, I've been working on it
while all of your versions fell apart.
282
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,738
This is insubordination.
283
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:06,484
And if you do not do
what I tell you immediately
284
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,028
you are going down.
285
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:15,914
That's a complete report of every mistake
you've made, every screw-up
286
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:20,294
every reboot all laid out
in excruciating detail.
287
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,884
Now, I'm sure your boss would love
to hear all about how
288
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,969
"attempt number 2" is really going.
289
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,975
So actually, if you don't do what I say
290
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,680
you're going down.
291
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:34,678
Down under.
292
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,433
Is it always the three of us?
293
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,234
It's always at least Eleanor and Janet.
294
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,020
Usually Chidi's in the mix.
295
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,067
Sometimes Jason is here.
296
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,486
One time, Jason and Tahani were here.
297
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,651
But you know what?
No matter what the combo is
298
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,913
I always ask you guys to bring me
cocaine next time, and you never do.
299
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,869
Do you have anything I can snort?
300
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,368
Like a crushed-up aspirin
or some eye-shadow or...
301
00:13:58,254 --> 00:13:59,790
cocaine?
- Still no.
302
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,818
There's only one question
we need to answer right now
303
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,378
and that is, what do we do next?
304
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,253
I mean, this place doesn't seem terrible.
305
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,867
Maybe we should just stay here forever.
- "Maybe we should just stay here forever."
306
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,634
You always say that.
And you always end up going back.
307
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,021
I mean, sometimes you go back
because you feel bad
308
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:16,666
your friends don't know what you know.
309
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,654
Sometimes you go back
because you walk in on me
310
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,816
while I'm masturbating
and sometimes you go back
311
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:23,311
because I walk in on you
while I'm masturbating.
312
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,238
But no matter what, you always go back.
313
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,616
You formulate a plan to defeat Michael,
and you head back.
314
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,113
OK, a plan.
315
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,987
We need a plan, but...
316
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,725
What if we come up with a plan
- "What if we come up with a plan"
317
00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,185
we've already tried before?
- "we've already tried before?"
318
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,449
Will you please stop that?
- "Will you please stop that?"
319
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:42,921
Yeah, just to help you out a little,
I've written down every plan
320
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:46,250
you've ever come up with,
which obviously never worked
321
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,254
because you're here,
and you're back, so good luck.
322
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:52,218
"Physically attack Michael.
Seduce Michael."
323
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,509
"Make Michael think he's the one
in the Bad Place."
324
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,811
"Catch that magic panda.
Use her powers."
325
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,139
Oh, I'm guessing that was Jason.
326
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,440
That guy has no idea what's going on.
327
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:09,107
Hello? Hello.
Where is everyone?
328
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,109
Janet?
- Hey, there, Jason.
329
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:13,744
Oh, hey, homie.
330
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,994
Uh, I mean... Jason?
331
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,868
Who is Jason? I am a monk.
332
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,920
You know what?
333
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:25,463
Can I talk to you for a second?
334
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,050
I'm in a tight spot,
and I could use someone
335
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,378
to bounce some ideas off of, OK?
336
00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,758
Oh, yeah, real quick,
you're really in the Bad Place
337
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:35,932
and you're being tortured.
338
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:39,975
What?
- I know it says here that we already tried
339
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,725
throwing Tahani under the bus,
but maybe we should revisit that.
340
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:46,735
Throw her a little bit harder.
Maybe under a bigger bus.
341
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:50,773
What do you think?
- I think this is pointless.
342
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:54,534
We're trapped in a warped version
of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
343
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,203
Oh, cool, more philosophy.
That'll help us!
344
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,350
Well, don't you see the problem?
345
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,208
We are experiencing karma,
but we can't learn from our mistakes
346
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,042
because our memories keep getting erased.
347
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,874
It's an epistemological nightmare.
348
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,422
Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.
349
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,841
You... you are so mean, Eleanor.
350
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:12,971
You're just like those childhood bullies
who said I would never get tenure.
351
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,926
And you are so irritating!
352
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,428
In one of these reboots,
I probably strangled you
353
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:22,104
and then went to the Even Worse Place,
but you know what? I bet it was worth it.
354
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,523
Oh, nice.
355
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:29,028
Ugh! Sorry, can I just vent to you
for a second? Chidi is so annoying.
356
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,648
I just... I cannot believe that
he is the one I'm stuck here with.
357
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,524
Uh-huh, wow, crazy.
358
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:38,537
Oh, sorry, Jeez, man, I thought you could
be human for, like, two seconds
359
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,202
and listen to me.
- I have, Eleanor.
360
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:45,711
I have listened to you talk about Chidi
15 times in 15 different ways.
361
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,204
Let me just cut to the chase.
362
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,790
You two, you got it bad for each other.
363
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:53,301
No, we don't. Chidi's just a friend.
364
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,740
What am I saying? He's not even a friend.
365
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,097
He's just a weird teacher that I hate.
366
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,970
Dude, I do not want to watch
"Cannonball Run 2" right now.
367
00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,564
Alright, what happened in the first one,
so I'm all caught up?
368
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:12,320
I don't know what's gonna happen to us,
but I need to tell you something.
369
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,700
I love you.
370
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:20,488
And you don't need to respond
cos I know you have trouble saying
371
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:21,867
how you feel.
- I love you too.
372
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,373
Very funny
373
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,576
but that... that's obviously not real.
374
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,873
Oh, that's real, baby.
375
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,629
That's real nasty.
376
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:33,751
Yeah, this was, like, the sixth time
you guys were here.
377
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:36,178
I saw you getting sexy
the previous three times
378
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,424
so I cut a little hole in the wall
so I could tape you.
379
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,257
Call it my lookin' hole.
380
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,057
- Is that a camera?
- Mindy, you pervert!
381
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,523
How many times have Chidi
and I slept together?
382
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:51,610
Eight different days, but, like,
20 different sessions.
383
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:55,356
And how many times did we say... that stuff?
384
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,778
Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it.
385
00:17:57,952 --> 00:17:59,784
It, like, really killed the vibe for me.
386
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,571
See, after I watch the porno
I made starring you
387
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,119
I watch you talk about your feelings
to cool down.
388
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:06,742
It's, like, anti-porn.
389
00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,838
I've only ever said "I love you"
to two men my entire life -
390
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,916
Stone Cold Steve Austin
391
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,134
and a guy in a dark club
392
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,929
who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
393
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,970
I mean, why would you show me that?
- I don't know.
394
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:25,261
You guys are, like, trapped here together.
I feel bad.
395
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:27,296
You know, I'm rooting for you guys.
396
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:29,894
No, there is no "us guys."
We basically just met each other.
397
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,274
No, Eleanor.
398
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,064
You guys have known each other
a really long time.
399
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,481
Also, it doesn't matter if I told you
that or not
400
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,526
because when Michael finds out
he's failed again, he'll just reboot you.
401
00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,243
Chidi, Janet, we're leaving.
402
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,625
I am taking this with me.
403
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,667
"Oh, no, it's my only copy." Don't...
404
00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,260
How did it come to this?
405
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,678
I was just trying to do something
innovative and different
406
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,050
that would improve the way
407
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,145
we make humans' lives miserable
for eternity.
408
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:10,055
Mm, well...
- Shut up.
409
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,641
What are my options?
Do I have any?
410
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:17,487
I mean, I can't go along with her plan.
It'll be a spectacular failure.
411
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:21,234
But I can't ignore her
or she'll rat me out to Shawn.
412
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,903
I'm trapped.
- You're saying a lot of words right now
413
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:29,457
and I only know some of them,
like "rat" and "Jason"
414
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,794
but I know a little wisdom I can give you.
415
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,501
I know everything that happened in your life
416
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,546
and it was all stupid,
so I highly doubt that.
417
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,921
I was a member of a 60-person dance crew
in Jacksonville.
418
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:46,638
We were called "Dance Dance Resolution:
We Resolve To Dance."
419
00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,894
One day, Donkey Doug and I got into a fight
420
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,814
because I'd framed his girlfriend
for boogie board theft
421
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:56,852
so he started a new dance crew
called "Hashtag DougLife"
422
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,984
and immediately challenged us
to a dance-off.
423
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:04,239
He said, "Meet us inside the abandoned
orange juice factory at midnight."
424
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:09,623
That night, as the clock struck 12:00,
me and my crew came together
425
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,752
with a determination we had
never shown before
426
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:16,796
and slashed all their tyres.
427
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:19,426
It was dope.
428
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,338
The end.
429
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,799
By Jason Mendoza.
430
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:28,804
You know, that inane story
actually contains a bit of good advice.
431
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,474
Thank you, Jason.
- You got it, homie.
432
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:36,771
I give good advice!
Guess that's why I'm in the Good Place.
433
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,109
Oh, there you guys are.
- No.
434
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,857
Stop, no more lies.
435
00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:45,696
Jason, get over here.
436
00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:48,904
That's right. We know his name is Jason,
not Jianyu.
437
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:50,155
We know everything.
438
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,743
I don't understand much of it,
but, yeah, I know it.
439
00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:57,462
Your sick torture plan is not working, OK?
440
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,456
Cos we keep figuring out your little puzzle.
441
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,255
We're winning, which means you're losing.
442
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,127
So you have two choices here, buddy.
443
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:07,885
Keep failing over and over
or realise we're actually
444
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,307
the ones with all the power here.
445
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,055
Yeah, no, uh...
446
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,181
We're on the same page.
- What?
447
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:14,635
I want to team up with you guys.
448
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,016
What? Why? You do? What?
449
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,939
I'm in a bit of a bind,
and I could use some back-up
450
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,442
or as Jason put it, um...
451
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:23,817
I need a new dance crew.
452
00:21:23,991 --> 00:21:26,199
So, what do you say?
New best friends?
453
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,120
Stop it...