1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,440 As spring continued to be gloriously warm 2 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,200 and with everything on the farm still going well, 3 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:33,320 it was time for one of my favourite jobs of the year. 4 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,720 Oh, I love doing this. I just love this day. 5 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,520 G-dog! 6 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,000 Releasing the cows back into the fields 7 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,760 after their winter confinement. 8 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:48,160 - Come on, out you come. - Hup. 9 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:52,400 You're free! 10 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,960 And this year's release promised to be more joyous than ever. 11 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,920 It'll be fun letting the calves out. We've never done that before. 12 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:04,320 No, not when they're that small. 13 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,800 No, we've never let a calf into a field. They're gonna be so happy. 14 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,800 Lisa, if you stand… Literally, hold the gate here like that, yeah? 15 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,560 And then you can hold between like this and you'll become a fence. 16 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,440 - Fine. - All you've gotta do is swing out. 17 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,560 My big worry is Endgame. 18 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,320 Last we had a conversation about him, 19 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,200 both Charlie and Kaleb were saying, 20 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,920 "Oh, well, he's done his work now, we'll sell him or eat him." 21 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,320 Not a chance. 22 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,840 Go on, go on, go on! 23 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,680 We are not gonna eat you, Endgame, don't you worry about that, 24 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:39,840 or sell you. 25 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,440 Go on, go on. Up you go. 26 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,960 Go on. Go on! Here we go! 27 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,960 Here we go! Out you come. 28 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,280 They're all out! 29 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,760 This is just heaven. 30 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,040 "What, this is all our playground?" 31 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,560 Look at them go! 32 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,160 Well, I thought the trees were put along… 33 00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,040 If it blows up, we should go to the moon. 34 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,880 Yeah, exactly. 35 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,840 Elsewhere, the EasyCare sheeps were, for once, 36 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,560 living up to their name, 37 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,960 shooting out lambs with no fuss at all. 38 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,360 I mean, how many lambs have we got now? Sixty… 39 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,240 Ogh, 60,000 by the looks of it. 40 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,120 I think we've got sixty-six lambs so far. 41 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,400 We have many lambs. 42 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,960 But we've lost only two, which is astounding. 43 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,920 They are the self-cleaning oven of sheeps, these. 44 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,080 Yeah. 45 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,360 They're amazing. 46 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,640 The whole point is this, you know, triangular head 47 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,400 so that the lamb can slither out of its… 48 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:01,600 vagina… 49 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:02,960 more easily. 50 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:04,800 "Birth passage". 51 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,160 Ooh, hello, something's coming out. 52 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,840 Yeah, something is now coming out. There we go. 53 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,520 - There's something glistening. - It is, yeah. It should be a lamb. 54 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,480 Well, it's not gonna be a piglet, is it? 55 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,360 - Come on, push. - Yeah. 56 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:23,120 You've got a head like a Toblerone, it should come out very smoothly. 57 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,400 Oh no, it's out! It's out! It's out! 58 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,360 It's actually out! 59 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,120 Oh no, another one's coming, look. 60 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,480 - There's the second one. - Oh, yes, I can see. 61 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,440 - Aw. - Wiggling around. 62 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,600 Yeah. 63 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,040 OK, she's popped two out now. 64 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,520 All right, she's gonna have to get up now 65 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,600 to offer her bosoms to her new-born infants. 66 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:44,840 - All right? - Two have come out. 67 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,600 OK. 68 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,400 I think she's stuck, isn't she? 69 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,120 No, she wants, look, she's trying to get… 70 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,200 Yeah, she's stuck. Are you gonna go and help her? 71 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,400 Just go and push her up, mate. 72 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,840 Right, so all the lambs that have been born 73 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,920 we haven't had to get involved in any of them. 74 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,920 The first one I decide to have a look at and she needs a hand. 75 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,640 But she definitely does 'cause she's not… 76 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,440 Yeah, she's not getting up. 77 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,800 Oh no, there she is, and… 78 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,560 - Ooh! No, she's up. That did it. - That yellow one. 79 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,240 That looks a bit stressed. 80 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,760 - Isn't yellow a sign of stress? - Yeah, stress. It's adrenalin. 81 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,040 The first one comes flying out and the second one was a bit behind. 82 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,040 Ooh, only about three minutes. 83 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,185 - Really? - Yeah. 84 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,400 Well. Look how easy that is though, see? 85 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:25,720 - See? - You do like these sheep, don't you? 86 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,960 This is my type of lambing, lambing at a distance. 87 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,400 But the lamb births were nothing 88 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,520 compared to what was going on in the snail shed. 89 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,720 Which had literally turned 90 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:42,240 into the set of a 1970s' porn film. 91 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,600 The rumpy-pumpy had been so prolific 92 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,280 that Lisa now had thousands of new-born snails 93 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,680 living in the garden she'd created in one of the polytunnels. 94 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,320 They are incredible. 95 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:21,440 Just that, like, white egg and suddenly you got antennae, you've got shells. 96 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,720 You guys are amazing. 97 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,240 You have grown well. You've grown beautifully. 98 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:31,680 Meanwhile, out in the fields, 99 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,200 Kaleb was doing some variable-rate fertilising 100 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,120 and positively swooning 101 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:43,200 about our new hi-tech crop management systems. 102 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:46,880 It tells me I'm putting 140 kg on a hectare. 103 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,720 It fluctuates the whole thing for me, 104 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,720 opening and shuts the thing as when needed. 105 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:52,640 This is awesome. 106 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,960 And thanks to the wonders of my Mission Control centre, 107 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,880 I could boss him about from the comfort of my office chair. 108 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:04,560 I'm farming, 109 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:09,320 in the same way those guys in Houston, in Apollo 13, were astronauts 110 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,560 when they were sitting watching the astronauts at work. 111 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:13,800 So here he is. 112 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:18,040 This is essentially the dashboard of his tractor 113 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,800 appearing on one of my screens. 114 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,760 This is where he is, 115 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,480 as he applies the nitrogen fertiliser. 116 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:27,905 Er… 117 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,920 Flight Apollo Kaleb, this is Houston Control. 118 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,480 Hello, mate. 119 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,720 That's not how astronauts talk. 120 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:41,080 Right, I have you at 140 kg per hectare 121 00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,400 on my readout here. 122 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:45,440 What, are you logged into my tractor? 123 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,240 Certainly am. 124 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,240 I see you at 12 kilometres an hour. 125 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,760 Yeah, I'm going 12K 'cause this field is the one that you ploughed. 126 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,560 The one that you fucked up, can you remember? 127 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,320 That's not how you address the head of Mission Control. 128 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,800 I am Ed Harris. 129 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,080 You will have some respect. 130 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,720 Apologies, sir. Over. 131 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,160 You don't have to say "apologies, sir." 132 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,080 Call me "Flight". 133 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,000 That's what you call 134 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,880 the man who sits in the white waistcoat in Apollo 13. 135 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,000 Apologies, "Flight". Over. 136 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:19,760 And you don't say "over". 137 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,640 Course correction coming up in approximately 20, 138 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,720 that's two zero, seconds. 139 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,120 Course correction in approximately… 140 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,120 I fucking love this machine. 141 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,265 Jim Lovell never said that. 142 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,400 Actually, you know what I've just realised? 143 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,160 I actually love farming this way: you sat in that office, 144 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:36,840 I'm out here doing stuff, 145 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,360 you're nowhere to be seen. 146 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:39,920 This is bliss! 147 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,440 He's forgotten to turn this side of his fert spreader on, look. 148 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,800 Please tell me he continues to forget. 149 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:50,080 Look, he's got 150 going out one side; nothing going out the other. 150 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,640 You might wanna turn the left side of your fert spreader on. 151 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,080 No, my left side's on. I'm about to put it on any second now. 152 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,480 The right side you mean. 153 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,880 Good job I reminded you. 154 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,520 Mate, you're driving over a line you've already driven on. 155 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,320 I know, you fucking idiot. 156 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,040 Jesus! 157 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,520 Thank you, "Flight", over. 158 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,720 There you go, you see, he's getting the hang of it now. 159 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,240 Sadly, on our new hi-tech farm, 160 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,360 one machine had been left behind. 161 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,640 Thanks to its never-ending list of technical faults 162 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,720 coupled to the arrival of the AgBot, 163 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:40,560 the green Lambo hadn't turned a wheel in weeks. 164 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,560 So, I decided to sell it. 165 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,200 We have about 260 tractors there, machinery… 166 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,400 - 260? - Yeah, 260. 167 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:51,680 Which meant getting it valued by an agricultural auctioneer. 168 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,600 It's a magnificent beast, as you can see. 169 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:57,120 How many hours has it done? 170 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,280 Well, I bought it at 3,150. 171 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,080 And I think it's now up to 3,300. 172 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,520 So, you know, it's a very low-mileage example. 173 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,000 - Yes. - Erm… 174 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,240 - Sat nav. - Sat nav. 175 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:11,480 Trelleborg tyres. 176 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,360 Air con obviously. 177 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,680 And if you wanna step in and have a look to see if there's anything… 178 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,400 Er, what can you tell me about it? 179 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:20,720 I'll tell you anything you want. 180 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,040 - Can I start it up? - Yeah, yeah. 181 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,680 Smooth. Powerful. 182 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,360 There's a… Erm. 183 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,680 - There's a couple of lights on there. - Yeah, but they're minor. 184 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,880 Service alarm. 185 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,560 Yeah, it's a small alarm that sometimes happens. 186 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:42,720 "Distributors not available". 187 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,880 What distributors? 188 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,680 OK, that's a new one. Engine alarm coolant level. 189 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,440 It's beeping a lot now. 190 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,720 It could just be a loose wire and cost 15p. 191 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:03,080 So, I'd be quite keen to hear what you think 192 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,280 we'd get for it. 193 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,720 Not the easiest thing to sell in the world, I'll be honest. 194 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:12,000 Er, but I would look somewhere in the region between 50 and 60 thousand. 195 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,720 Quite a lot less than I paid for it. 196 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,160 Why is it quite a lot less than I paid for it? 197 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,040 Erm, what did you pay for it? 198 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,680 - Eighty. - OK. 199 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,480 And I thought that was a bargain. 200 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,200 - Did you? - Yes. 201 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,800 Erm… we could achieve a bit more 202 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,360 but I think we wanna set it at a reasonable level. 203 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:37,360 What would you set it at? Between 50 and 60… 204 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,520 - Yeah. - It's quite a big gap. 205 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,640 Yeah, I would set it somewhere around 50 to be as competitive as possible. 206 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,000 - So not 60. 50? - Yes. 207 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,400 Having done a pretty poor selling job on the auctioneer, 208 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,400 I went to the pub to meet Nick the chef. 209 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,920 I mean, I'm hoping it's… 210 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,600 Because I wanted to host a dare night 211 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,800 where we'd serve food that people wouldn't normally want to eat. 212 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:09,520 And initially, I did a pretty poor job of selling that too. 213 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,440 There are issues with it. 214 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,800 The main issue is that, like, the pub is busy, 215 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:19,000 it serves 6 to 700 people a day, and it serves them with food that they like, 216 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:23,080 and what you're proposing is that we'll serve fewer people 217 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,160 with food that they don't like. 218 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,440 - That's one way of looking at it. - Mmm. 219 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,920 It's the way of looking at it. It's specifically what you want to do. 220 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:33,920 - Well, okay… - It can be done. 221 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,120 It can be done. 222 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,160 - I really want to do it. - Yeah. 223 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,080 I really want to do it, 'cause I just think 224 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,160 there's a lot of food going to waste in this country… 225 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,320 And you are right, you are right. 226 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,720 That needn't, that needn't go to waste. 227 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,600 And also, I think it's important 228 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,400 particularly in light of the fact 229 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,600 that meat prices are going through the roof. 230 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:53,560 Yeah, a lot of money. 231 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,120 There are cuts of meat that are way cheaper than that. 232 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,240 And a lot of people are being forced into vegetarianism, 233 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:04,840 erm, that don't need to be forced into something that awful. 234 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,000 It's definitely doable. Erm, I mean, we're gonna serve… 235 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,800 Erm, if it's a special event like Goose Night, 236 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,440 then we'll probably have 120 seats max. 237 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,920 But can we just discuss the menu? 238 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,320 Just tell me, what can we have? 239 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,840 So, realistically, can you do tripe in milk and onions? 240 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,360 We can do tripe. 241 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,360 Can you do sheep's heart? 242 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,520 We can do sheep's heart. 243 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,360 Have you ever cooked pig's ears? 244 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:28,505 Yeah. 245 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,320 Snails, we've gotta do snails by the way, 246 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,440 'cause we've now got quite a few of them at the farm. 247 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,800 We've just had 2,000 born. 248 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,400 How is a snail born? 249 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,840 They lay eggs. And the egg, it's quite extraordinary to watch, 250 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,960 this little white egg, like caviar… 251 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,600 Hey, I tell you what, you can actually eat the eggs. 252 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,680 We could call it "snail caviar". 253 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,600 - Yeah, a hundred percent. - So, snail caviar we're good on. 254 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,880 We're looking at sheep's brains, is that a step too far for you or not? 255 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,640 I've never had sheep's brains. 256 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:01,400 I wonder if you can take a sheep's brain out and it's still alive? 257 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,200 - The laws of animal welfare… - But you know what I mean, technically, 258 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,480 I don't think a sheep would notice that its brain's come out 259 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,120 for a good month. 260 00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,760 - So, brains… - Yeah. 261 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,920 Tripe and onions, snail caviar. 262 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,120 Yeah, fantastic. 263 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:15,520 Could we do bat? 264 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,440 Eating bats didn't see us well a few years ago, did they? 265 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,920 True. That got bad PR… 266 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,280 As the spring days ticked by, 267 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,040 our crops began to fill out nicely. 268 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,040 But over in the onion and beetroot field… 269 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,160 Still the smartest field in the Cotswolds, this. 270 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,305 Yeah. 271 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,480 The growth was a little harder to spot. 272 00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:54,680 Yeah, look, there. 273 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,480 - Oh, that little green thing? - Yeah, that's a weed. 274 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:57,680 - Oh. - OK. 275 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,080 There's the red beet, look, there it is. Can you see how small it is? 276 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,800 - Oh, yeah! - It's red. 277 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,360 - There it is. - It's coming. 278 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,920 That's germinating. So it's coming out like that. It's unwrapping itself. 279 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,080 But it's coming. 280 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,520 Yeah. So that's good news. 281 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,720 What about the onions? 282 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,240 Er, we have to go quite a long way for the onions. 283 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,200 Yeah, I'm keen for that. I wanna see if the onions are taking. 284 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,240 I really want these to grow. 285 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,320 I want to be the onion king of Chipping Norton. 286 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,360 Look, the AgBot missed this bit of rolling here, look. 287 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:26,840 No, no, no, that's the divide! 288 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,440 Oh, that's the next one. 289 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,960 So he didn't miss it. Take it back. 290 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,320 No, I'm not doing that. 291 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,560 That's how we know when the red onions start and the beetroots finish. 292 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,120 Er… this is good news. I've found the onions. 293 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,120 There it is, just there, look. 294 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,040 - That? - That is an onion. 295 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:47,080 - I'm pleased with their start. - OK, well, that's good news. 296 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,040 The only cloud on the horizon was that 297 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,480 there weren't any clouds on the horizon. 298 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:59,000 Weeks had passed since it had last rained. 299 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,720 But Charlie wasn't overly worried. 300 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,400 Erm, it cools down next week a bit 301 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,600 and then we hopefully get some rain in the next couple of weeks 302 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:08,840 - and it will just keep growing. - So you reckon, 303 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,600 just give me a time. You know I like a date and a time. 304 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,760 When do we have to have some rain by? 305 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,280 This will be all right for two or three weeks. 306 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,760 - Oh will it? - I think so. 307 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,560 Because it's gonna cool down next week. 308 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,520 There was obviously a bit of moisture in the soil 309 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,880 because a few days later, some weeds began to appear. 310 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,120 But these were quickly dealt with by the Droid. 311 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:43,040 A process that Kaleb found absolutely fascinating. 312 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,080 Me, though… 313 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,720 I was looking for something to do. 314 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:57,880 Hey! 315 00:15:58,280 --> 00:15:59,640 Come and have a look at this. 316 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,520 So I've just been on the government's website, the government's, 317 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,600 and it said… there's a whole thing here on large, leaky, wooden dams. 318 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,000 Woody dams, OK? 319 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,840 So it says it slows the movement of water, 320 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,120 stores water, stops flooding downstream. 321 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,800 - Yeah. - Blah, blah, blah. 322 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,400 And they're prepared to pay for us to do it. 323 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:25,160 - They pay us to do it? - They pay us 324 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,360 to slow the water down. 325 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,040 How much? 326 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,040 Well, that's why I've called you over. 327 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:35,200 £764.42 for each dam? 328 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:38,520 Yeah. They're thinking we'll be like human beavers. 329 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:43,160 Beavers don't make completely watertight Hoover dams, do they? 330 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,040 - No, they just slow the water down. - They just slow the water down. 331 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,360 All we need to do: go down there, just lob a few of those logs in the stream. 332 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,400 - Lob them in in a sort of arrangement. - Yeah. 333 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,120 It helps delay the passage of floodwater downstream, 334 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,680 allows sediment to settle out 335 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,080 and reduces downstream flood risk. 336 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,600 - Let's go and do it. - We'll go and do it! It's 700. 337 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,520 I can send Starmer a bill this afternoon for 750… 338 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,960 No, no, no, 7,000, 'cause we'll build ten. 339 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,065 Well, we'll build ten. 340 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,880 As I've been saying for a long time, 341 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,800 this Labour government, bloody good. 342 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,000 Bloody good. Well done, Starmer. 343 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,680 The next morning, Kaleb and I headed off 344 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,680 to one of the streams in what was the first proper outing 345 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,520 for my snazzy new UTV. 346 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,120 "Hill Descent" on. 347 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,640 I must admit, it's very comfortable in here. 348 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,760 At the stream, we found the makings of a dam 349 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,480 that nature had already started 350 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,880 and identified some branches and shrubbery 351 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,080 that we could use to improve it. 352 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,520 Right, so my plan is, 353 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,120 if we clear away that stuff up there, 354 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,160 the flotsam and jetsam will come down here, 355 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,640 wedge against what's already here, 356 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,640 but nature builds it. 357 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,160 - Yeah. - A leaky woody dam. 358 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:14,240 There was, however, one serious sticking point. 359 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,320 I'm just loathe to do this, unless Amazon have sent 360 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:20,200 some trained divers to rescue us in case we drown. 361 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,440 Yeah, that's a big puddle. 362 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,760 Oh, thank God, we've got them. 363 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,760 Did you hear that Amazon Health and Safety… 364 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,840 "Are you by a stream?" Yeah. 365 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,360 "You have to have trained divers." 366 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,080 To be fair, it's probably a good idea 'cause if you fell over in there, 367 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,480 - I couldn't save you. it's too deep. - I know. 368 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,760 Knowing we were now safe, 369 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,280 we could get cracking, 370 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,560 hacking into all the shrubbery and foliage upstream, 371 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,920 which meant bringing back 372 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,720 the Diddly Squat machine of devastation. 373 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:57,680 Engaging rotors. 374 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,080 Yeah! 375 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,400 Observe the path being created. 376 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,960 Once the RoboMulcher had daintily made its way 377 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,520 down to the water… 378 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:23,720 He's in! 379 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,480 It got straight to work. 380 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,080 Ohoo-yeah! 381 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,160 Mince! 382 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,440 Mince on toast! 383 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,120 Yes! 384 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,080 I was very rude about this in the last series 385 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,280 and said it was my second favourite machine on earth. 386 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,680 I was wrong. It's back at number one. 387 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,720 - Hey, K. - Hello, Lisa. 388 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,560 Right, let's just have a quick look at what we've achieved here. 389 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,600 So all this flotsam is gonna wash away 390 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,120 and jam up in that beavery type dam there, 391 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,160 and that's creating a slow-moving bit 392 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,480 which is what you want to try and achieve. 393 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,160 While the said flotsam made its way downstream, 394 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,440 I set about clearing some branches 395 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,360 with yet another tool of wonderment. 396 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,520 Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! 397 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,200 Did you see that? 398 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:41,520 Ogh. 399 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,640 With the pesky branches cleared away, 400 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,000 we then had to remove a fallen tree, 401 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:55,000 which meant I could try out my new UTV's winch. 402 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:56,960 Keep going, keep going. 403 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,600 OK? Tree removal unit… 404 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:06,920 Bleeding Ada, 405 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,760 look at the size of this, a big old tree coming out! 406 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,080 Keep coming a little bit more, keep coming, keep coming. 407 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,440 Whoa! That'll do perfect there. 408 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,320 That machine is amazing. 409 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,480 The last job was to chop the tree up 410 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,960 to make some bigger logs for the dam. 411 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,800 And by the close of play, we were better off 412 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,440 to the tune of 764 pounds and 42 pence. 413 00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,880 OK, all right, let's go back for tea and medals. 414 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,800 Do you know what we're actually making accidentally? 415 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,680 A really good pooh-sticks river. 416 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:54,800 What's that? 417 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,160 Oh, for fuck's sake. 418 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:09,040 The next morning, as we set off to build a second dam, 419 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,080 we had two passengers 420 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,720 who loved the UTV even more than I did. 421 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,240 Hello, dog. 422 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:17,920 Arya? 423 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,320 They'd had it… You know I told you at the weekend, 424 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,200 I took them out in this. 425 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,880 I got them out and they jumped straight back in 426 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,240 - and refused to get out of it. - Why? 427 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:33,560 - They liked it so much. - They just love going along in it. 428 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,000 First of all, we had to load up with some logs 429 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,480 which we'd use to make dam number two. 430 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,400 Best day ever. Come on, out you come. 431 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,840 Out you come. Come on. Good dogs. 432 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,040 You wanna put this one in? It's quite a nice one to lay in, innit? 433 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,200 - Look. - Oh… 434 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,680 Out. Get out. 435 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,520 Arya. No, no. 436 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,200 Arya, come here. 437 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,200 Come here, come here. 438 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,040 Fungus, that is. 439 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,560 Oh, fuck… 440 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,680 What are we going to do about this? 441 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,640 Sansa, Arya, come here. 442 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,360 Come here. 443 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:22,880 Now stay. 444 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:28,400 Having loaded up the logs, we headed off to our next dam site. 445 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:33,920 This is fun! 446 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,240 £764 is what it is. 447 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,680 - Hello. - Charlie Ireland! 448 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:43,680 All right? 449 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,040 Erm, you're building a dam? 450 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:50,280 Well, we're building specifically a leaky woody dam. Excuse me. 451 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,320 - Large leaky woody. - Large leaky woody dam, 452 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,480 because… 453 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,880 You wouldn't be able to argue with this. 454 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,360 "Gov UK". 455 00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,000 - RP33? - Yeah. 456 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,320 You found a grant. 457 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:02,320 "How much you'll be paid." 458 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:03,600 700 odd quid. 459 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,920 £764.42 for each dam. 460 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:09,760 - Yeah. - So we're gonna build one here. 461 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,280 - And one there. - One there. 462 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,425 Yeah. 463 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,400 - One across there. - Five metres apart? 464 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:15,640 About that. 465 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,840 So we reckon, even in the bit of stream I cleared out the other day, 466 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,200 what, a hundred yards? 467 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:21,960 You could probably get about seven grand. 468 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,960 That's great. That's really good. 469 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,480 And what did the Catchment Sensitive Farming officer say? 470 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:29,665 What? 471 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,000 - You need approval. - What do you mean "you need approval"? 472 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,280 It says that if it's between three and five metres wide… 473 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,480 - Yes, yeah, that's how you must do it. - Hello. 474 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:39,680 Yeah? 475 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,120 It says what you must do. 476 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,360 Yes, it's gotta be between three and five metres wide. 477 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:45,920 "What you must do." 478 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,600 "Speak to Catchment Sensitive Farming 479 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,000 about holding the water 'struction action plan." 480 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,800 - So you need to speak to them. - I didn't read that. 481 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:54,720 Oh, for fuck's sake. 482 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,800 And before they come, we'll have to remove that 483 00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,880 because you don't get paid for something you've done. 484 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,560 You have to get approval and then they give you the grant 485 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:04,760 and then you do the work. 486 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,880 Well, I'm not going to. We'll take them where we haven't done anything. 487 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,520 And then bring 'em back down here after. 488 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:12,400 They won't know the difference. They won't know the difference. 489 00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:14,760 - But I find this actually quite… - No, no, no. 490 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,480 We need to follow the rules. 491 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,480 We can do it, you know, do it properly. 492 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,080 - I like your idea. - OK, let's do it… No. 493 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,600 But, OK, then, I will stop the environmental work, 494 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,040 important environmental work, that we've been doing. 495 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,480 Am I getting all these out then or what? 496 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:29,680 No. 497 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,000 We don't have to show them this bit. 498 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,920 We'll just say there was a storm and they got blown here. 499 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,440 The lovely chopped wood fell into the stream. 500 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,760 Well, yeah, we chopped them down and then they rolled down the bank… 501 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:46,680 After Charlie had temporarily kiboshed the dam project, 502 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,920 Kaleb and I headed east… 503 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,680 to see how much the green Lambo would make at the auction. 504 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,040 Do you just get giddy at these kinds of events? 505 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,200 I love it. 506 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,040 There's gotta be at least 5 million pounds' worth of kit here. 507 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,200 More. 508 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,880 Kaleb was probably right, 509 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,640 because up for sale was everything 510 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,160 from high-end tracked tractors 511 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,440 to characters from Pixar. 512 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:23,520 They actually drive all the tractors through? 513 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:24,680 It looks like it. 514 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,040 But we'll hope they don't drive mine through with all that beeping. 515 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,200 Imagine. 516 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:30,960 Right. Morning, ladies and gentlemen. 517 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,160 Welcome to Cambridge Machinery Sale. 518 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,040 So we'll start here. We start on Lot 3000. We're running up and down… 519 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,720 We took our seats and I prepared myself 520 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:43,640 for the usual bout of undecipherable auctioneer noises. 521 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:47,040 At £1,500 I'm bid. Standing bid then at 26. 522 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,320 At £26,000 I'm bid, 26. 523 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,560 5,000 I'm bid then. It's back in the room now. 524 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,640 This is like being in a cinema listening to a German film without subtitles. 525 00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,360 - Do you not understand them? - No. 526 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,560 Oh, I can. 527 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,320 Happily, there was a screen 528 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,840 which I could use as a sort of rural Google Translate. 529 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,960 At 74,000, sold, thank you. 530 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:13,840 Not long now. 531 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,680 No. We'll know when it's coming along 532 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,480 'cause we'll hear it beeping. 533 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:22,120 - Arm rest alert. Service alert. - And jolting, jolting. 534 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,920 And it goes this time and away then at 46,000. 535 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:29,040 Ladies and gentlemen, Lot 12-46, the TTV Agrotron 50 K machine. 536 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:30,480 There it is! 537 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,040 Fucking hell! 538 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,160 You are buying this tractor as it stands purely. There we go. 539 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,440 - There's gonna be a frenzy of bidding. - Here we go! 540 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:52,760 A good spec machine. How do you value it? 541 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,800 Put me on 60,000 for it surely? 60,000? 542 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,800 Thank you, sir. £30,000, it's a start at 30,000. 543 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,640 30,000? Fuck off. 544 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,440 32, 33. 545 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:11,680 33, 34. 546 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:13,360 35, 35. 547 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,280 36, 37. 548 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:16,425 At 37, 38. 549 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,000 I can't even see who's bidding. 550 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,760 I have at 41, 42. 551 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,800 Now a bid at 41, 43. 552 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,640 Just think every time they go up a thousand pound, 553 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:25,920 it's less money you lost. 554 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:27,440 I have 50,000 a bid then, and 51. 555 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,520 - 51. - That's good. Keep going. 556 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:30,920 52. I have 52. 557 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,320 It made more than I thought it would. 558 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,400 54, 55 a bid, at 55. 559 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:36,640 You've got a new bidder now. 560 00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,120 At 56,000. At 56,500. 561 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,480 They obviously haven't seen the programme. 562 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:41,625 Hush. 563 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:43,360 Now a bid at 75. 564 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,560 The poor fellow in there having the beeping! 565 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,080 He's going, "Will you please sell this fucking thing before I go deaf?" 566 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:54,040 65,000 a bid, at 65. 567 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,040 65 is back. 568 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,360 We were actually getting closer to the 80,000 that I'd paid for it. 569 00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:01,640 That's 70,500. 570 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:03,320 At 70,500. We're not done yet. 571 00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,760 A bid at 70,500. 572 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,320 The hammer's up, fair warning and all then. 573 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:12,320 And it sells this time and away then at £70,500. 574 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:14,920 Quite up. 575 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:17,480 Well, it's… it was a financial hit 576 00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,640 but it wasn't a financial kick in the nuts. 577 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,800 Yeah. 578 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:22,160 Corr. 579 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,760 That's the best that tractor's ever looked. 580 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:27,720 Yeah, going away. 581 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:39,480 Back at Diddly Squat, there was still no sign of any rain. 582 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,880 Thank you very much. Good morning to you. 583 00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:45,720 The dry spell of weather is set to continue, 584 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:47,760 certainly through today, certainly through the weekend 585 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,000 and for the first part of next week. 586 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,640 Lots of dry weather, lots of sunshine… 587 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:57,800 But Charlie wasn't panicking yet, so I got on with some matchmaking. 588 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:02,000 Put the lighting on red, gives it a nice romantic flavour. 589 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:05,880 Arya was on heat and therefore ready to… 590 00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:08,960 spend some time with her boyfriend Rodeo 591 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:12,040 so they could make some puppies. 592 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:13,440 Here comes Rodeo. 593 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:14,640 Oh, Rodeo. 594 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,400 Look, we need a church for the wedding, darling. Where shall we do it? 595 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,160 Do we take them off the lead or keep them on? 596 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:21,520 - No, I think no. - Come on, Rodeo. 597 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:23,240 - Shhh, give them some time. - Oh, here we go. Wrong… 598 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:24,840 That's her face, that's her face. 599 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:26,960 - That's in the eye. - That's her face, Rodeo. 600 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,800 Can we all not laugh please, it's not funny. It's still her face. 601 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:33,225 No. 602 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:34,800 She's lifting her tail, that's a good sign. 603 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,080 - Mmm… - See, there we go. 604 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,240 Welcome to Clarkson's Dog Porn. 605 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,000 It's a new three-part series. 606 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:44,560 It's called Only Dogging. 607 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,920 Ah, finally. That's the right way round, yes. 608 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,080 Is he in? 609 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:51,000 No, you're not in. He's not in. 610 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:52,840 No, it's just nowhere near in. 611 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,880 It's… Oh, he's come all over her back. Oh God. 612 00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:57,040 Shhh. 613 00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,080 - Arya really likes it though. - Shhh. She really does, yes. 614 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,040 He's licking her ear. 615 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:04,200 I like that bit. 616 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:05,960 - Yeah, that's nice. - Yeah, that's very sweet. 617 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,720 Come on, Rodeo. There we go. 618 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:09,120 There we go, there we go. 619 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:13,160 Ah, that's a bit more promising. 620 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,200 So, what are your plans for this evening? 621 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,600 Well, I don't do Pilates. And I thought for tonight we'd have… 622 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:29,800 I've got some prawns and I'll probably get that mascarpone sauce. 623 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:31,640 That's a really good idea actually 'cause they need to be used up. 624 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,000 Eventually, nature did take its course… 625 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,880 And later that day, I was able to get to the pub to see Nick, 626 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:47,760 because it was now just over 24 hours before Dare Night. 627 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:51,920 So, are you across the Dare Night menu? 628 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:53,160 Yeah, a hundred percent. 629 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:56,280 And you don't foresee any…? 630 00:31:56,720 --> 00:31:58,640 Erm, do you have snail caviar? 631 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:00,425 Yes. 632 00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:04,480 But, there is one tiny weeny hurdle… 633 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:07,680 which is called "Lisa", 634 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,360 who believes that the snail eggs, which is the caviar, 635 00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:15,800 she believes that they are going to be used to breed more snails 636 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:18,680 to create her face and hand cream. 637 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,560 So I'm going to have to steal 638 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:24,440 her eggs without her noticing. 639 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,200 If I ask her, she'll just say no. 640 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:30,120 How much do you need do you think? 641 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,840 We're gonna need about 22 ounces, we reckon, 642 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:35,480 which is quite a lot. 643 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:37,440 All right. 644 00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:43,400 Given how small the eggs were, that did indeed sound like a lot, 645 00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:46,800 so back in Lisa's snail garden, 646 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:51,280 I helped myself to pretty much everything I could find. 647 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,400 Removing the mud. 648 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:56,560 Now then: tweezers. 649 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,040 On a scale of how delicate you need to be: 650 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:01,880 you've got defusing a nuclear weapon, 651 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,520 then eye surgery on a child, 652 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,200 and then at the very top, 653 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,200 creating snail caviar. 654 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:10,240 Right, 655 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:13,040 I can't afford to break a single one of these eggs, 656 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:14,520 not a single one. 657 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,120 Jesus Christ, this is… 658 00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,560 Decanting the eggs proved to be such a fiddly job 659 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,760 that I had to ramp up my eyewear. 660 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,680 I literally can't see anything! 661 00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:41,920 Where's the teaspoon gone? 662 00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:44,800 Where was it? Oh, there it is. 663 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,840 I thought, oh, that's a soup spoon! 664 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:51,800 Where's the… Oh, there it is. 665 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,120 Let's just see how much we've got now. 666 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:00,360 Oh, come on! 667 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:04,760 That is exactly an ounce of snail eggs in there, 668 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:06,160 one ounce. 669 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,280 I need 20 times more than that. 670 00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,880 The following day, Dare Night day, 671 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,360 I delivered my contraband to Nick and our new head chef Max. 672 00:34:28,720 --> 00:34:30,880 Bad news is I wasn't able to get 673 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,400 as many bits of caviar as you wanted. 674 00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:35,840 I've only got 15. 675 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,720 Kinda need a little teaspoon or something, don't we, to taste this. 676 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:43,360 Well, we can't really afford to taste it, can we? 677 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,800 - We haven't got… - Yeah, we haven't got enough! 678 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,040 Erm, do take care of these. 679 00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:50,360 No, we will. That's why they were… 680 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,320 'Cause my testes are gonna be ripped off 681 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:54,520 when Lisa finds out where we got them from. 682 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,960 I then went inside to say hello to an old friend… 683 00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:01,800 - Hey! - Hello! 684 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:03,145 Thomas. 685 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:05,640 Who'd agreed to supply a palate cleanser 686 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:09,880 for customers who weren't enjoying the dishes on offer. 687 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,880 - Are you okay? Everything good? - Yeah, no, I'm very good. 688 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:18,000 Thomas had originally appeared in the second series of Clarkson's Farm 689 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,760 when he'd cooked up some chilli jam for the farm shop. 690 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:24,280 Fucking hell… 691 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,520 Back then, his fiery concoction measured four million 692 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,040 on the Scoville heat scale. 693 00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:34,240 Oh my giddy aunt. 694 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,800 But for Dare Night, he'd gone a bit further than that. 695 00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:41,600 This is very hot. 696 00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:44,080 This is like nine million. 697 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,360 And this is 15 million Scoville unit. 698 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,400 - Fifteen? - Fifteen, one, five. 699 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:51,880 - Fifteen million? - Yeah. 700 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:53,040 Jesus. 701 00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,040 This is the best hot in the world now. 702 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:56,800 - In the world? - Yeah. 703 00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,520 Yeah. It makes you crazy in the mouth. 704 00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:02,000 But if you drank all that, it would kill you? 705 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,160 Er, maybe not kill you, 706 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,800 but you have little trouble in the stomach, everywhere. 707 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:09,840 So your bottom would be broken. 708 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,880 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd be broke. 709 00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:16,720 On the basis I couldn't serve something that I hadn't tried myself, 710 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:21,480 I decided to sample the fifteen million version. 711 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:24,560 You ready or no? 712 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:27,680 - We try! - Well, no, the smallest… 713 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:29,960 - Tiny. Very small. - The tiniest amount. 714 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:31,160 Oh, man… 715 00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:34,040 I'm scared now. 716 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:37,640 - You made it! - I know! 717 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:41,400 Not since Oppenheimer has anyone been as scared by their own creation 718 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,040 as you are by that. 719 00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:45,080 OK, Jeremy, come on, we do it. 720 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:46,680 OK, hit it. 721 00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:47,880 Tiny, tiny bit. 722 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,600 - Oh, no, wait! Stop! - No, no, it's not too much. 723 00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:55,600 Oh, it is too much! No, stop it. Stop it. That's far too much! 724 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:57,720 - Here we go. - OK, cheers. 725 00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:10,440 What do you think? Maybe it's not too much. 726 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:13,320 Yes, it is. 727 00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:15,000 Oagh. 728 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,400 Agh. 729 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,560 Aagh. 730 00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:24,680 It be building up. 731 00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:27,280 Holy fucking hell! 732 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:29,240 Whoa. 733 00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:32,240 Ooh… 734 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:37,880 I'm in pain here. 735 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:41,080 Holy shit. 736 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,000 Oh God. 737 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,240 Oh, my ears just popped. 738 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:51,880 It's actually burnt my… 739 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:53,120 Oh God, my ear. 740 00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:56,400 Oh, my fucking ear. 741 00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:59,040 Aye, aye, aye. 742 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,160 It's fucking hot! 743 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:14,920 I apologise. 744 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:19,680 Oh, OK… 745 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:21,480 - Not OK. - Now better. 746 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,120 Having worked out that the chilli sauce was survivable… 747 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,280 Oh, man. 748 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,080 And could therefore be served, I went to the kitchen… 749 00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:37,600 which was now a hive of Dare Night activity. 750 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,240 All right, how are we looking? Have we got a line of plates good to go? 751 00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,360 The chefs were prepping sheep's hearts, 752 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:47,200 brains and pig's ears, 753 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:52,560 and Nick himself was attending to one of the menu's star turns. 754 00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:54,960 "Sqvuirrel". 755 00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,240 Yeah, "ze" squirrel. 756 00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:57,880 And how are we cooking it? 757 00:38:58,480 --> 00:38:59,880 We're gonna flour it and deep-fry it. 758 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,040 Wild garlic, loads of salt and pepper, 759 00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:04,440 a little bit of a marinade on it, seasonal flour, crispy. 760 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:05,800 - Yeah. - Crispy s… 761 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:07,000 Crispy squirrel. 762 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:11,640 I'm guessing people will be finding this particular scene 763 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:13,480 not to their taste, but… 764 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:15,320 But this is, I mean, the… 765 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:16,800 Those are wild, free-range animals. 766 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,480 You are 100% better off to eat this than a battery farm chicken. 767 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:22,720 Like, this had a great life. And then somebody, as you can see, 768 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:24,560 who was a fucking great shot… 769 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,360 - They shot the back of the head. - Yeah. Head shot. 770 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:30,080 I mean, yeah… Where's its penis? 771 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,040 Oh, those are it's test… Oh, that's its penis. 772 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:33,840 Yeah. So, I mean, it might have massive bollocks, but it's… 773 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:37,880 Why has it got such enormous testes with such a small pipe? 774 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:41,480 Classical chef training doesn't cover the full squirrel anatomy 775 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:43,120 to be honest with you, so I can't answer you that question. 776 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,720 I think that's gonna have to be Googled. 777 00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:48,720 I left the chefs to it… 778 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,200 And come early evening after the guests had arrived, 779 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:00,920 I talked everyone through the point of the event. 780 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,040 Evening, everybody. 781 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,000 Good evening, and thank you all very much for coming to the first 782 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:12,840 of what we hope will be many Dare Food Nights at The Farmer's Dog. 783 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:14,280 It's a fun night, of course, 784 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:17,600 but there's actually a serious, er, bit of thinking behind this 785 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:21,080 because, as I'm sure you've noticed, if you've been to a… 786 00:40:21,240 --> 00:40:23,360 even a supermarket or a butcher's shop recently, 787 00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:25,000 meat is getting expensive. 788 00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:28,800 42 quid for a leg of lamb, in my own butcher's shop. 789 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:32,640 That's a huge amount of money. 790 00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:33,920 Steak is expensive. 791 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:37,280 Beef prices are riding incredibly high right now. 792 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:40,880 It's getting to the point where meat is becoming a luxury good, 793 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:42,800 which is why we're all here tonight. 794 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:46,600 We're gonna be trying animals that you probably have never eaten before 795 00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:51,000 and we're gonna be trying cuts of meat that you probably don't ordinarily eat. 796 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,840 Just what I would give you is one word of advice, 797 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:58,280 is sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels odd 798 00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:01,880 'cause you're used to eating steak and chicken and pork and lamb and so on, 799 00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:03,960 but get past that, 800 00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:06,800 think, "OK, I'm not eating phlegm, 801 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,800 it feels like I am…" 802 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,160 But actually the taste is delicious. 803 00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:12,920 And once you start doing that, 804 00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,960 I hope you'll go away 805 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:17,280 and the next time you're in a butcher's shop go, 806 00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,240 "Actually, you know what, I will have tripe, I will have this, 807 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:21,720 I will try something." 808 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:23,400 And it is a damn sight cheaper. 809 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,960 Thank you for listening, everybody. And, erm, let's have some fun. 810 00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:29,480 Thank you. 811 00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,400 I'll have that caviar up here now, Louis. 812 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:45,240 "Crispy fried squirrel." 813 00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:52,280 Lisa and I were hosting on our table David the butcher, 814 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,800 Charlotte, Kaleb, Charlie… 815 00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:56,905 Would anyone like a drink? 816 00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:57,920 And Annie, 817 00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:02,000 who wasn't looking forward to the evening one little bit. 818 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:05,600 Are we good to start sending? 819 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:08,400 So this… in each tin, 820 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,320 we have snail caviar with the blinis. 821 00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:13,960 Is that sour cream, guys? 822 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:15,760 - No. Crème fraîche. - Creme fraîche? OK. 823 00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,120 All right then, boys, coming through. 824 00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:21,120 So exciting! 825 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,120 So what we have here, ladies and gentlemen, 826 00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,040 are your snails with garlic butter 827 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:34,160 and then snail caviar. 828 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:37,680 Get five down there, get them in, and then we can just hold them if, erm… 829 00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:43,800 Can I just say, raise our glass to Lisa for growing these snails and the caviar. 830 00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:44,960 Yes, Lisa, well done. 831 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:46,800 Well done. Thank you, Lisa. 832 00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,040 So how do I do… how do I eat this? 833 00:42:49,240 --> 00:42:50,240 Like, you sort of… 834 00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:53,840 You've gotta pop them between your teeth. 835 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:57,640 Well, that is genius, that is. I'm a big fan. 836 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:03,440 The diners gamely tucked into the snails and snail caviar… 837 00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:07,400 - Was that all right? - It was delicious. Thank you. 838 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:08,545 Happy with the snail? 839 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,200 Which was a bit of a relief 840 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:14,080 because the next course took things up a gear. 841 00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:17,080 It looks like KFC. 842 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:19,440 We changed it, though, to Cotswold Fried Squirrel. 843 00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:20,840 Look, it's CFS! 844 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:22,200 There is a… 845 00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:24,160 Lisa, you look convinced. 846 00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:26,560 - That's… - That's not bad. 847 00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:28,040 What part of the squirrel is that? 848 00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:31,640 I'm not loving that. 849 00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:34,560 - Urgh, it's like rat. - They're so bad. 850 00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:38,440 The taste, though, wasn't the biggest problem. 851 00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:40,840 This fucking smell. 852 00:43:41,280 --> 00:43:43,280 The smell is horrible. Urgh. 853 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,280 - It stinks. - It stinks. 854 00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:46,800 It smells like a pet shop. 855 00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:49,120 No… 856 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:53,720 I have washed my hands twice and still all I can smell is squirrel. 857 00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:56,720 Who liked the squirrel? One, two… 858 00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:58,880 Oh, a few people liked the squirrel! 859 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:00,600 - OK. - There was this smell. 860 00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:02,200 Yeah, the smell. 861 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,520 But listen, it's the uterus next, everybody, so… 862 00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,640 All right then, next course. 863 00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:12,600 Are we good to start sending? 864 00:44:12,960 --> 00:44:15,960 You have your pig's ears and your uterus. 865 00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:21,760 Oh, they're nice. 866 00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:23,640 - What, the uterus? - No. 867 00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:25,320 - The pig's ears. - Oh, pig's ears are lovely, yeah. 868 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,160 Mmm, I'm with you on the pig's ear. 869 00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:30,520 So we've got a lamb's brain here, stuffed heart. 870 00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:32,440 Oh, I love heart. 871 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,120 The lamb's brain is absolutely delicious. 872 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:36,840 It is really good. 873 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:41,160 Do you remember when, erm, Anthony Hopkins ate Ray Liotta? 874 00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:42,320 Yes! 875 00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:44,720 Yeah, at the end of, erm, Hannibal, 876 00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:48,200 he ate Ray Liotta's brains while he was still alive! 877 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,440 It spreads quite well. Are you going lamb's brain, Annie? 878 00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:53,960 - I'm gonna think about it. - Are you? 879 00:44:54,120 --> 00:44:56,640 Annie, you are the champion of farm shops, 880 00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:58,280 you are literally the queen of it, 881 00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:02,560 and so far your plate is entirely untouched by food. 882 00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:04,920 Is there anything you like? 883 00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:07,880 - Have you tried the heart? - Have you smelt it? 884 00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:10,920 You're gonna have to eat something, Annie. 885 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:13,480 Are you… is this your first bit? 886 00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:22,280 But no, lamb's brains, it's not a big meal. 887 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,440 That explains everything, how thick they are. 888 00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:30,640 As Annie decided she didn't like brains either, 889 00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,120 I went off to prep our palate cleansers. 890 00:45:36,240 --> 00:45:39,280 First though, some precautions. 891 00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:42,520 Pass it down, everybody. 892 00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:45,880 We've got fire extinguishers in case your mouth catches fire. 893 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,840 That's your fire extinguisher full of milk. 894 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,520 Guys, guys, guys, please, this does matter. 895 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,760 The one with the cocktail stick in 896 00:45:56,640 --> 00:46:00,000 is the 15 million on the Scoville scale. 897 00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:02,480 The yellowy one is 7 million. 898 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:05,200 The sort of reddy one in the middle is 9. 899 00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:09,200 Seven million, as I say, is very very very hot, 900 00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,640 hotter than anything you will have ever tasted. 901 00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:14,240 way hotter than that. 902 00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:17,680 a speck. 903 00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:19,000 Thank you kindly. 904 00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:22,320 The diners took the plunge. 905 00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:28,640 And then… 906 00:46:33,720 --> 00:46:35,280 I'm in pain. 907 00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:40,400 I'll tell you what, that… 908 00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:46,400 Are you OK? 909 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:51,680 There was the tiniest, the tiniest bit. 910 00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:57,440 Oh, that's pain. 911 00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:05,360 As one of the guests deposited his cleansed palate 912 00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:09,080 along with quite a lot of squirrel into our flowerbeds… 913 00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:15,520 We had a chat on our table about what we'd learned. 914 00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:20,040 I'm just thinking, is there one thing from tonight we could put on the menu? 915 00:47:20,240 --> 00:47:21,280 - No. - Pig's ears. 916 00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:22,720 The feedback from people was… 917 00:47:22,880 --> 00:47:24,080 The pig's ears? The feedback… 918 00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:25,840 I prefer them over pork scratchings. 919 00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:28,720 - Snails. Snails are a winner. - Charlie, no! 920 00:47:28,880 --> 00:47:31,400 Snails were really popular. So we just need more snails. 921 00:47:31,560 --> 00:47:33,200 Stay away from the snails. 922 00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:35,520 No, forget your hand cream, let's just eat them. 923 00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:39,440 Well, listen, it was a fun night and it was good for the pub. 924 00:47:40,720 --> 00:47:44,120 We only killed six people so that's not bad at all. 925 00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:51,840 Dare Night was one of those wonderful, carefree moments 926 00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:55,560 that had peppered our lives over the last few weeks. 927 00:47:58,120 --> 00:48:00,920 We'd welcomed some new additions… 928 00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,080 - Ah… - Ah! Hey! 929 00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:07,680 Taken our farm into the next century… 930 00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:11,520 The Starship Enterprise has just landed at Diddly Squat. 931 00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:15,960 And generally revelled in being on the land. 932 00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:21,240 Look at that sight. Come on! 933 00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:27,240 But at the beginning of May, it started to become clear… 934 00:48:29,720 --> 00:48:31,920 that trouble was brewing. 935 00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,720 So, dry start to spring, 936 00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:38,560 the driest since 1956, and concerns there could be a drought this summer. 937 00:48:38,720 --> 00:48:41,000 Farmers are reporting their crops are struggling 938 00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:44,360 after March and April saw only half the usual rainfall. 939 00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:46,960 Let's go to Harry Metcalfe first, a farmer… 940 00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:55,760 Three weeks ago, Charlie had said we needed some rain 941 00:48:56,240 --> 00:48:58,000 in the next three weeks. 942 00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:04,600 That time had now passed without so much as a drop. 943 00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:10,240 If we go 30 yards this way… 944 00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:13,000 And the crops were starting to struggle. 945 00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:18,120 Look, you see what the weather's doing? You see how that flag leaf is closed? 946 00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:20,200 - The flag leaf is this one? - Yes, correct. 947 00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:23,800 That's curling round because the moisture it's got, it protects it 948 00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:25,000 - from the wind and the sunshine? - Exactly. 949 00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:28,400 You can actually see that the leaf is curling round. 950 00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:29,505 Yeah. 951 00:49:29,520 --> 00:49:33,520 And then the yellow at the top is telling me it's under stress. 952 00:49:33,680 --> 00:49:36,400 Yeah. Other ones down here, like that one, 953 00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:38,280 they're shrivelled, so they've given up. 954 00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:40,600 - Hold on, I've got this one. - That's a brilliant example. 955 00:49:41,040 --> 00:49:42,600 - You've got one. - That's just died. 956 00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,640 So, OK, we put one seed in the ground… 957 00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:46,785 Yeah. 958 00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,360 And it was going to produce three of these. 959 00:49:49,560 --> 00:49:53,400 But because it didn't rain, that one and that one have died. 960 00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:54,545 Yeah. 961 00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:56,600 You know Harry Metcalfe, Harry's Farm? 962 00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:58,160 He does a YouTube channel. 963 00:49:58,320 --> 00:49:59,680 - He's brilliant. - Yeah. 964 00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:01,920 He was saying because of this, 965 00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:05,080 we're losing as a country, the UK, 966 00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:10,080 100,000 tonnes of just wheat, not barley, just wheat, a day, 967 00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:13,200 and have been for a month. 968 00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:16,760 And the other thing about it, it's so short. 969 00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:17,920 I know. 970 00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:20,320 - There's gonna be no straw. - That's true. 971 00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:22,920 There'll be no bread or straw. 972 00:50:23,320 --> 00:50:25,640 No. Nothing for the cattle to sit on. 973 00:50:27,280 --> 00:50:28,280 We do need for it to rain. 974 00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:34,400 The days rolled on 975 00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:38,240 but the skies remained resolutely cloudless. 976 00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:43,880 - It looks like a fucking desert. - I know. 977 00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:47,160 I came up here the other day, I thought we were growing stones. 978 00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:48,305 Yes! 979 00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:50,760 But all that effort we went to with that field and then God went, 980 00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:52,960 "And you're having, er, no rain." 981 00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,520 And with no sign of any coming, 982 00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,840 Charlie had called a meeting in the onion and beetroot field, 983 00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:04,040 which by now should have been showing an emerging crop. 984 00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:09,040 When did we put them in? A month ago? 985 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:11,240 Er, six and a half weeks ago. 986 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:15,120 Is it six and a half weeks? And this is all we've got so far, which is nothing. 987 00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:16,720 Look, there it is. 988 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:19,040 They've now just frazzled. 989 00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:21,480 Bollocks. 990 00:51:22,120 --> 00:51:23,680 What are we going to do? 991 00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:27,600 I think, you know, particularly in these areas here, 992 00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,600 and we can band it off, I would re-drill those bits. 993 00:51:31,240 --> 00:51:32,760 Re-drill this. What about the onions? 994 00:51:32,960 --> 00:51:35,000 - Yeah, over the far side. - So… 995 00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:37,720 Re-plant most of this field. 996 00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:39,200 - Yes. - Even though… 997 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:40,400 Even though there's no moisture. 998 00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:43,400 Right, so… 999 00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:45,840 Beetroots and onions: disaster. 1000 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:48,160 Up the Swanny, lost, 'cause of the weather. 1001 00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:49,960 Ogh. 1002 00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,680 Last year it was too wet. This year it's too dry. 1003 00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:03,240 Jesus Christ… 1004 00:52:14,200 --> 00:52:15,560 Look, there's the dog! The dog's doing it! 1005 00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:17,960 - Woah… - That'll do. 1006 00:52:18,160 --> 00:52:20,000 No no no! Oh my God! 1007 00:52:20,200 --> 00:52:23,160 Ey ey ey ey! Jesus! 1008 00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,560 - This guy has travelled 8,000 miles. - What is he? 1009 00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:27,880 A garden warbler. 1010 00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:30,080 So you were gonna do the combining this year. 1011 00:52:30,720 --> 00:52:32,160 We can't afford spillages. 1012 00:52:32,680 --> 00:52:33,840 For God's sake, Kaleb! 1013 00:52:34,280 --> 00:52:35,360 Look, that's rain innit? 1014 00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:36,560 Shit. 1015 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:37,680 Go! Go! Go! 1016 00:52:42,080 --> 00:52:43,720 Well, things can't get worse. 1017 00:52:43,920 --> 00:52:45,440 I know. 1018 00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:47,680 I've got bad news.