1 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,080 ♪ In the white room ♪ 2 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,120 ♪ With black curtains ♪ 3 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,080 ♪ Near the station ♪ 4 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,320 ♪ Black roof country ♪ 5 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,640 ♪ No gold pavements ♪ 6 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,360 ♪ Tired starlings ♪ 7 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,880 ♪ Silver horses ran down moonbeams ♪ 8 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,520 ♪ In your dark eyes ♪ 9 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,080 Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm. 10 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,960 It's the middle of August in 2022. 11 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,360 You're welcome. Thanks. Where have you come from? 12 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,160 And everything seems to be familiar... 13 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,800 It's dry. 14 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,240 And bucolic, 15 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,360 and wonderful. 16 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,440 But I'm afraid that 17 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:18,040 behind the scenes, it isn't wonderful at all, because 18 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:23,800 everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. 19 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,920 Let's start with the weather. 20 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,040 After the driest summer for 87 years, 21 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,240 the ground is parched and as hard as concrete. 22 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,840 And as a result, the crops are taking a battering. 23 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,760 So trying to grow potatoes where there's no moisture... 24 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,240 Look, the skin's set. So it's not gonna grow anymore. 25 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,200 What do you mean? 26 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,880 You know, new potatoes, if you did that you'd rub the skin off. 27 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,880 - Like a Jersey Royal? - Like a Jersey Royal. 28 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,000 But these have now set their skin to stop them losing moisture. 29 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,320 - So that's as big as it's gonna get? - Yeah. 30 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,360 Shit. 31 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,600 Kaleb had a go at harvesting these potato pebbles, 32 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,000 but it was hopeless. 33 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,080 No, I'm just dropping them all, look. 34 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,880 The potatoes are that small, they're falling between the rollers. 35 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,880 It's just dropping them on the top. 36 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,800 In the next field along, the sunflowers were suffering too. 37 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,280 Look. It's coming to the end of August. 38 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:47,120 These flowers have gotta mature, ripen, in time for us to harvest them. 39 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,200 - Well, is this seed ready? - No. 40 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,576 - That's useless. - We won't be able to harvest these? 41 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,920 It's pointless. No. 42 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,120 For fuck's sake. 43 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,480 Next, there was the echium, 44 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,120 a sort of plant-based fish oil 45 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,360 which I'd been told would net me a fortune if it grew well. 46 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,360 Is that it? 47 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,840 Not a lot, is there? 48 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,400 That's just the... That's... 49 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,880 One field of spelt wheat produced that much. 50 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,400 One field of echium has produced... that. 51 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:29,840 Bloody hell. 52 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,120 The dryness of the soil also meant 53 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,000 that planting next year's oilseed rape was a non-starter. 54 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,480 Look. Oh God, that's... 55 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:44,096 I went down a foot the other day. There's nothing. 56 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,320 So if we try and drill rape into that, it's not gonna grow. 57 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,120 On top of all this, there was the pretty little restaurant, 58 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,040 which we'd opened earlier in the summer 59 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,840 to sell the food we'd grown and reared on the farm. 60 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,200 - Cheers, guys. - Cheers. 61 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,720 But after just six weeks... 62 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,680 The council served us with an enforcement notice, 63 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,720 telling us it had to close. 64 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,520 Welcome, everybody. How are you? 65 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,000 I'm particularly proud of the durum wheat, 66 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,536 'cause it normally grows in Italy. 67 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,576 - Everyone looks very full. - More brisket? 68 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:23,800 Thank you for coming. 69 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,720 Enforcement notice. 70 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,880 "What you are required to do within six weeks of the date 71 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,616 on which this notice comes into effect." 72 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:39,200 "Cease use of any part of the land for sale or provision 73 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,120 of food or drinks to members of the public 74 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,760 or for consumption on the land. 75 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,880 Cease use of any part of the land as a restaurant or a café." 76 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,800 Even though we're allowed to. 77 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,800 "Cease use of any part of the land for parking." 78 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,040 What? 79 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,920 "Reinstate the land round the restaurant to a condition 80 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,920 similar to that of the agricultural land immediately surrounding it, 81 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,800 removing all hardcore and other surfacing materials, 82 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,120 including gravel and stone chippings." 83 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,080 Why you can't have gravel on a farm, I don't know. But anyway. 84 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,320 "Removing all other landscaping materials, including wooden sleepers, 85 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,360 wooden plank edging and wood chippings." 86 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,216 - The wood chip's just gonna rot. - I know... 87 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,040 They've gone completely mad. 88 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,360 "Removing all plants and planting containers." 89 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,160 - You can't have plant pots on a farm? - Ridiculous. 90 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,440 We're going round and round in circles, wasting a lot of fucking good money... 91 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,440 - Your money. Permanently. - Yes, and the tax payers'. 92 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,856 Well, everybody's money is just being... 93 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,480 Pissing it up against the wall. 94 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,600 It's a joke. All the effort we put in and we're back on square one. 95 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,400 With the restaurant shut down, 96 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,360 we could no longer afford to keep all the cows. 97 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,360 We could hang onto the calves to fatten them up 98 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,040 but their mums... would have to go. 99 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,160 We bought 19. They had 8, so that's 27. 100 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,680 Killed 2, 25. 101 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,400 - Correct. - We're keeping... 102 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:06,800 Twelve. 103 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,120 So 13 are going... 104 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,280 Thirteen passports I have here. 105 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,440 Dropping off. 106 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,120 I'm finding today really quite sad. 107 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,040 It's 'cause for the last year, I've been opening the windows, 108 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,400 opening the curtains in the morning, and there are the cows. And I love that. 109 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,560 Making cow noises. 110 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,600 It just cheers my heart every morning to see them. 111 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,880 Are the calves going to be a bit upset tonight? 112 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,936 - You're not gonna sleep tonight. - No. 113 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,096 - They won't? - No. 114 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,680 No, you won't sleep. They'll be calling all night long. 115 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,640 - Can I ask? Peppa's going, obviously. - Yeah. 116 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,840 What do you think will become of her? 117 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,160 I wouldn't ask too many questions about Pepper. 118 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,880 Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. 119 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,560 Oh, Christ. 120 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,000 All we had left of the departed 121 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,720 {\an8}was some touching phone-camera memories. 122 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,120 {\an8}Oh, look! 123 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,280 {\an8}No! No! No! No! 124 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,120 {\an8}Out of there. No, you too. Out. 125 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,480 {\an8}Out! No, not my flowers! 126 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:33,960 {\an8}Get out! 127 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,600 {\an8}Go on, shoo. Shoo. 128 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,320 {\an8}You too, shoo. Shoo. 129 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,160 {\an8}Jeremy? 130 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,360 - Cup of tea? - Yeah. 131 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,040 Okay. 132 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,416 It's not like we're not keeping a few. 133 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,640 - No, we've got quite a few. - Yeah. 134 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,760 It could be all the ones we gave birth to. 135 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,680 With more than half the herd gone, 136 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:25,920 my eco-friendly plan to get the cows and hens working in tandem 137 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,240 to fertilise the soil was in tatters. 138 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,880 Soil, look, Charlie. 139 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,896 - All good for the soil. - New soil. 140 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,400 Yeah, but thanks to West Oxfordshire District Council, 141 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,240 we have to use chemicals from now on. 142 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,320 - We've got nitrogen. - I know. 143 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,640 And, as Cheerful Charlie then explained, 144 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,600 this was not the year to be buying chemical fertiliser. 145 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,200 We've gotta be realistic about the projections for harvest '23. 146 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,416 - This is the wheat price. - Yeah. 147 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,856 And if you look at the blue line, 148 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,960 where it peaked at over 350 pounds a ton... 149 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,720 - Is it falling? - It's falling. 150 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,240 - How's that happening? - The war's still going on. 151 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,760 - It's now down to 200... - It's now just under 250. 152 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,880 So it's dropped a hundred pounds a ton. 153 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,120 You know we've got fertiliser prices that have gone up? 154 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,720 How much did we pay for the fertiliser? 155 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,400 Just over 800 pounds a ton. 156 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,400 Three times more than normal. 157 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,520 Three times. So that's gone up by three times. 158 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,880 And wheat price has come... Oh fuck. 159 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,480 So last year, we had low growing costs. 160 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,240 This year, if we buy the same amount of fertiliser, 161 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:40,320 it'll be 100,000 pounds you need to spend on fertiliser alone. 162 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,400 - It's terrible. - Its... 163 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,640 It could be bad if the yields are poor. 164 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,200 And also take gas price, fuel price. 165 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,760 Energy in terms of drying the grain. Every way you turn... 166 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,640 Farming's exposed to energy price. 167 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,520 Yeah. 168 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,520 Not knowing what to do about Charlie's grim forecast, 169 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,480 I went off to see Viktor, our Ukrainian bee man... 170 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,720 All right, Viktor? 171 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:12,760 Hello, Jeremy. 172 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,640 ...who was loading up the hives 173 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:18,320 so we could extract the latest batch of honey. 174 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,720 A lot of dead bees in here. 175 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,640 Ah, well, unfortunate, isn't it? 176 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,240 It's like battle of Donbas. 177 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,600 How many pounds of honey in there? 178 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,880 I would say roughly box ten kilos. 179 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,640 - Ten kilos? - A box. About a 100 pounds. 180 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,960 - That is... Oh! That is all honey! - Yeah. 181 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,640 You can see the bulging on either side if you... 182 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,600 - Yeah. - That is just rammed full of honey. 183 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,880 - We've got a lot of honey! - Yeah. 184 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,640 It's the only thing on the farm that's working. 185 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,600 Literally the only thing that makes money. 186 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,360 After my Viktor chat, I had a thought. 187 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,120 Diddly Squat is mainly an arable farm, 188 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:12,200 but there must be other ways of making money beside the crops. 189 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,440 So, I put my thinking cap on 190 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,680 and went for a walk, with the ever-obedient dogs. 191 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:20,480 Heel. 192 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:21,720 Oi! 193 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,840 Sansa! Arya! Heel... 194 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,560 Arya! Heel. 195 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,520 Oh, shit. 196 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,760 Sansa! Arya! 197 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,840 Sansa! Arya! Arya! Sansa! 198 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,680 There may be a small wait now while they get back, 199 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,960 having determined they can't catch the deer. 200 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,640 Bambi, in case you're worried, is completely safe. 201 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,760 This is what I call the Hedge of Plenty. 202 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,160 It's got so much stuff growing in it. 203 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,440 It runs for half a mile or so. 204 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,440 It's about 30 feet thick, as you can see here. 205 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,800 Full of berries. 206 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,080 Blackberries. 207 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,320 These are sloe berries. Sloes. 208 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,080 Elderflower. 209 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,680 So that's elderflower, sloe, 210 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,080 rose hips, blackberries, apples, damsons, plums. 211 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,920 After a little sit-down with my special thinking juice, 212 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,880 I started to form a plan. 213 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,480 I've just been thinking. This farm is a 1,000 acres, 214 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,720 but I only farm 215 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,160 about 500 acres. 216 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,200 The other 500 are 217 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,320 woods and wildflower meadows and just stuff. 218 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,600 But the 500 acres I don't farm are full of berries and, 219 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,720 and apples and watercress and wild garlic and deer. 220 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,880 So I wonder if you could farm 221 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,920 the unfarmed? I wonder if I could make money 222 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,640 out of the bit of the farm I'm not farming? 223 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,416 Council couldn't stop that, could they? 224 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,360 I mean, they could try but they wouldn't be able to. 225 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,320 In my head, this was a good idea. 226 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,640 But making money from the woods and the meadows and the hedges 227 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,680 would require a lot of work. 228 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,840 So I called a meeting with my number two. 229 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,960 I've got something serious to say to you. 230 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,040 I've made a big decision. 231 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:50,680 You are no longer the tractor driver on this farm. 232 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,240 What am I then? 233 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:57,400 I've decided I'm gonna make you farm manager. 234 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,640 - Really? - Yep. 235 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,640 I want you to run the farming side of it. 236 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:05,840 You're fired. 237 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,120 - What? - You're fired. 238 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,160 - No, you can't fire... I'm the boss! - I'm the farm manager. 239 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,720 - You're fired. - I'm not fired. 240 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:13,880 You are. 241 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,281 I'm not, because you haven't heard how this is gonna work. 242 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,560 Tell me that, then you're fired. 243 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,360 Here's how I want it to work. 244 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,680 I've got to concentrate this year on making money 245 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,160 out of that bit of the farm which isn't farmed. 246 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,080 - Yes? - You've never even been here. 247 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,280 No. 248 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,080 And then that means I'm not gonna have the time 249 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,800 to really concentrate on this bit of the farm. 250 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,000 On the arable. Yeah. 251 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,760 So, I'm gonna put you on the arable. 252 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,920 And I'm gonna concentrate on this. 253 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,200 - And I've just had a thought. - Mm-hmm? 254 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,880 Why don't we make it a competition? 255 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,160 Who in the next 12 months can make the most money: 256 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,040 Me out of unfarmed land 257 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:59,120 - or you out of farmed land? - Farmed land... I like it. 258 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,760 So we'll get a whiteboard, we'll put it on the wall, 259 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,240 and then it's Jeremy's profit and costs, 260 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,240 - Kaleb's profit and costs. - Yeah. 261 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,320 Okay? And then it'll run through the year. 262 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:12,720 Hmm? 263 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,800 I think that'll be quite good fun. 264 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,936 I think it'll be fun as well. And I'm gonna win, so it's fine. 265 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:17,960 You aren't gonna win. 266 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,760 I'm gonna win this competition. 267 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,760 Right. Get out and get back on your tractor and go manage the farm. 268 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,200 I don't need to now. I'm gonna go have a nice walk round, 269 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,360 anal... "analasyse" the soil. 270 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,280 - "Analasyse"? - Hmm. 271 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,080 That's a word, innit? "Analasyse"! 272 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,080 - No! - "Analasyse"! It is! 273 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,760 Analyse. 274 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,720 Analyse. 275 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,600 To get my "Farming the Unfarmed" project off the ground, 276 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,480 I did some research. 277 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:54,480 And discovered that my local supermarket was charging 6p a blackberry... 278 00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:00,560 Which meant my hedgerows were fruity gold mines. 279 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,320 Look. 6p, 12, 24... 280 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,680 There's 50p there. 281 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,920 Another 50p there, and there, and there. 282 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,080 A pound there. 283 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,880 There's 30 quid in this one bush alone, easy. 284 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,560 In order to maximise profits, though, 285 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,040 I'd need to harvest them as cheaply as possible. 286 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:27,640 So rather craftily I asked if I could borrow a blackberry-picking machine 287 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,040 to see if I liked it. 288 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,200 Shit... 289 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,536 It's a bit bigger than I was expecting, mate! 290 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:36,576 Just a bit bigger! 291 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,040 - How are you? Erm... - I'm well, thank you. 292 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,960 - We've got the grain wagon. - Yes? 293 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,720 I'll just back him up. If you could pull over to the right, is that all right? 294 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,920 Sorry, mate? Do you mind backing up? 295 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,960 So that that wagon can get through and go over there? Is that all right? 296 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,000 Cheers, mate. Thanks. 297 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,560 I'm a car-park attendant, that's what I've become now. 298 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,800 What are you doing? 299 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,080 I'm loading the lorry. 300 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,120 Yeah, well, it was in the way. 301 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,200 Your farming is in the way of my farming. 302 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,296 No, your farming's getting in the way of my farming. 303 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,520 It isn't. I just need to get this in. 304 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:16,680 Look at that! 305 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,176 - You don't even know what it is, do you? - No... What are you doing? 306 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,216 Blackberry picking. 307 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,200 Load the wagon up and then come and see real farming happening. 308 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,400 "Real" farming my arse. 309 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,760 Right. Let my blackberry farming begin. 310 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:44,960 Okay, the first thing I've realised is that my trailer is 25 yards wide. 311 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,960 If I meet a bus coming the other way, 312 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,000 the bus driver is going to be going home 313 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:57,080 with a blackberry-picking machine fastened to his face like a moustache. 314 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,960 As you can probably see, 315 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:09,040 the blackberry-picking machine is like an arch. 316 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,760 So I'm gonna try and harvest that hedge to start with. 317 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,000 So I've gotta get my blackberry-picking machine 318 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,560 to straddle this wall first of all. 319 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,160 This, inevitably, was easier said than done. 320 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,040 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 321 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,960 No, no, no. Shit! 322 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,560 How on earth am I going to do this? 323 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,560 Ah. 324 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,320 No. Erm... 325 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,320 Well, it's just not possible, is it? 326 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:56,160 There was nothing for it. I had to ask my business rival for help. 327 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,296 - Right, you see that? - Yeah. 328 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,080 - It's an arch. - Yeah. 329 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,560 And you have to get that arch to straddle this wall... 330 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,400 Because we've gotta go all the way down this wall 331 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,440 - to get to where the blackberries are. - Okay. 332 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,800 I can do it. 333 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,080 I bet he can't. 334 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,400 Come on, Kaleb! 335 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,640 Right, we're on. We're hooked on. 336 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,520 I'm gonna go as straight as I can. 337 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,320 Oh, there's a lot of fence... We're knocking all these fence posts off. 338 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,480 The whole wall is moving. 339 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,960 We're gonna be harvesting a wall if you're not careful here. 340 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,800 These blackberries better be profitable. 341 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,880 Oh! That's blown the whole wall right out! 342 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,400 - Oh, sheee. - Shit! 343 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,280 How much further until we get to what could be called... 344 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,800 Wait. This wall doesn't fucking stop! 345 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:13,960 What? 346 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,080 This wall does not stop. 347 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,040 Oh shit. Shit. 348 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,640 - You're gonna have to back up. - I can't. 349 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,800 Well, you can't go forwards 'cause we now can't see it. 350 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,320 We're fucked, aren't we? 351 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,600 Christ. Look what we've done. 352 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,240 What we'd done was harvest no blackberries at all 353 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,440 and create a week's work for Gerald, who wouldn't be able to do it 354 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,800 because he'd phoned that morning to say he wasn't feeling very well. 355 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,736 Stay where you are. That's it, stay straight. 356 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,280 And rather embarrassingly, when the people came 357 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,800 to collect the precious demonstrator they'd lent me, 358 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,800 we had to lift it off the wall using two telehandlers. 359 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:13,800 Oh. 360 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:18,000 That's... that's the fence now broken again. 361 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,520 Oh, look at the concrete. No, whoa, whoa, whoa. 362 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,160 Jesus. 363 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,600 Here you are. Here's your machine. 364 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,000 Clearly, I now needed to think of a new way 365 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,000 to harvest my blackberries. 366 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,320 But first, it was my turn to help Kaleb. 367 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,960 Whoa. That's Kaleb's new muck spreader. 368 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,120 Because it was time to scoop up the muck 369 00:21:55,280 --> 00:22:00,280 our recently departed cows had produced over the last 11 months. 370 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,520 Oh yes! 371 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,640 - That is pungent. - That's good stuff! 372 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,376 So how much do you reckon is here? 373 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,800 I reckon we've got about 200 tonnes here. 374 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,600 - 200 tonnes of faeces. - Yeah. 375 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,840 Feel that. 376 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,440 - Feel how hot it is. - No. 377 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,160 Feel the heat. 378 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,640 - Can you feel it? - Oooh! 379 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,200 Why is it so hot? 380 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,960 - When it ferments... - Oh. 381 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,696 It just gets hot in the middle and comes out. 382 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,096 - That's really hot in the middle. - Yeah. 383 00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,720 When you start bucketing that, it's gonna be boiling. 384 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,920 Start loading up, yeah? 385 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,200 One bucket weighs one tonne. 386 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,080 If that was artificial chemical fertiliser, 387 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,680 that would have cost me a thousand pounds. 388 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,320 The weigh scales is 1.6 tonne, actually. 389 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,240 You've got weigh scales in your new muck spreader? 390 00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,640 It's the way forward. 391 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,896 You can actually tell how much muck's going on your fields. 392 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,400 That's what we need to know. The fertiliser price is so high. 393 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,400 You're pretty much full now. 394 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,120 Yeah. 395 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,280 And then that just flings it out over the field, does it? 396 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:20,640 I et's put it this way. I had a stone the other day go out 48 metres. 397 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,080 48 metres out of the back? 398 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,240 48 metres out the back of this spreader, 399 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:29,880 through a window, through a blind, 400 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,680 hit a chair and hit a fridge. 401 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,120 Where? In Chadlington? 402 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,160 Yeah, on Simon's field, in the middle of Chadlington. 403 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,000 It hit the top of the chair and ripped all the leather off it. 404 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,000 So don't go behind your muck spreader then. 405 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,360 I then got a first-hand demonstration 406 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,680 of the muck spreader's Gatling-gun power 407 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,600 as Kaleb's brother fertilised the field. 408 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,600 Jesus. Why don't they use that... The Army should use that. 409 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,176 Win a lot of wars with that, wouldn't you? 410 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,040 If you loaded that up with gravel and then drove through a war zone... 411 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:08,200 - You would literally... - You'd properly get people to duck! 412 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,400 I was extremely happy to be using free fertiliser, 413 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:17,680 but we only had enough to cover 25 acres. 414 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,640 So it was up to farm manager Kaleb to decide 415 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,960 how many chemicals he'd need to fill in the gaps. 416 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,000 He therefore invited Charlie over to his new office. 417 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,416 So I've just been working this out. 418 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:37,640 What's "this"? 419 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,760 - The cropping. - I've done that. 420 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,040 Yeah, but I'm doing it. 'Cause I'm farm manager. 421 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,680 Well, what? Okay. Well, what's "your" plan? 422 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,760 So, I think wheat down the right-hand side of the farm, 423 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,880 which I call the right-hand side, which is Big Ground Banks Airfield. 424 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,280 - The eastern side. - Yeah. Or that side, yeah. 425 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,960 - The eastern side. - Yeah. Okay. Right-hand side. 426 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,280 And then spring wheat in basically the middle end of the farm. 427 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,600 - Okay. - Yeah? 428 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,880 And you said... Did you say about 100,000 pounds' worth of fertiliser? 429 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,040 Roughly. 430 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,960 I think I can get it down to about 78,000 pounds. 431 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,280 We've got the chicken muck, we've got the cow muck. 432 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,320 Okay. So you're hoping that that cuts the amount of artificial nitrogen? 433 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,960 - Yeah. - Don't be short on nitrogen. 434 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,080 And don't cut corners unnecessarily. 435 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,440 - The risk's gone through the roof. - Yeah. 436 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,320 'Cause you've got higher growing costs, you've got higher pricing. 437 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,520 You know, we need the output to maximise our income, 438 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,720 because that'll give you your profit at the end of the day. 439 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,680 I think we can save 22,000 pounds. 440 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,480 Well, let's hope it works. 441 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,920 - This farm competition... - Oh, yeah. 442 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,080 Are you okay with it? 443 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:50,680 I mean, the man can hardly farm the farmed, let alone farm the unfarmed. 444 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,600 God knows what he's gonna... God knows his ideas. 445 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,720 As they discussed this, I was busy in the barn, 446 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,920 working on another blackberry-harvesting solution. 447 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:10,440 And I must say, I was rather pleased with it. 448 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,400 And now, we move to the other side of the vehicle, 449 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,800 where we find the vacuum cleaner. 450 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,800 Simply apply the vacuum cleaner to the blackberry. 451 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:34,560 Yes! 452 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,880 Who knew! 453 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,280 I've done a thing that works! 454 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,800 I'm harvesting a bush. 455 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,680 And it's only pulling off the black ones, 456 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,880 it's not pulling off the unripe red ones. 457 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,160 We're not using CGI here. This is real. 458 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,240 Ah-ha. 459 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,640 I don't know what sort of vacuum cleaner this is, I'm not an expert, 460 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,120 but they're marketing it all wrong. 461 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,040 Look at that. Five minutes. 462 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,240 And they're red ones. I'm staggered! 463 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,160 Once I'd harvested the hedge... 464 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,120 I headed to the farm kitchen, 465 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,360 leafed through Mrs Beeton's old cookery book... 466 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,920 Blackberries, lemon juice, sugar. 467 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:25,920 And then started to make some Diddly Squat blackberry jam. 468 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,280 Woah. Bloody hell. 469 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,640 So all I have to do is add the jam sugar, 470 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,000 add the lemon juice, 471 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,600 bubble them away for half an hour or so, 472 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,920 cool it, sell it. 473 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,360 One hour's work. 474 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,560 An hour to harvest them. Two hour's work. 475 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,840 This is pure profit. 476 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,640 Hello. 477 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,080 - What are you doing? - Making jam, dear boy. Making jam. 478 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,320 This is new farming, this is. 479 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,720 Given that we weren't dealing with cows or crops, 480 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,880 I assumed there'd be no opportunity for finger-wagging. 481 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:11,280 Erm, so, clearly blackberries. 482 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,600 - Yeah. - How much is in there? 483 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,320 Well, that many. 484 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,040 - No, but how many? - Oh, I don't know. 485 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,760 You've gotta measure it. You can't just chuck it all in. 486 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,160 - You're gonna sell the jam. - Yeah. 487 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,000 Have you done your food hygiene test? 488 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,560 No. 489 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,040 What pH is it? Does it contain any allergens? You'll have to put... 490 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,000 Well, what if someone's allergic to blackberries? 491 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:35,600 Well, you'll have to put on there. 492 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,400 "May contain blackberries" in this blackberry... You're... 493 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,120 - Is it just blackberries? - No. Lemon juice. 494 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:46,480 But you'll have to list what's on here. It's got potassium metabisulfites in it. 495 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,200 - So you've gotta list... - So on my jam, I've got to write. 496 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:53,080 "May contain traces of potassium metabisulfite"? 497 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,280 - Yes. Because... - That's not very good marketing. 498 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,320 Okay, are you're making jam, or preserve, or conserve? 499 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:01,440 What's the difference? 500 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:06,560 So, okay, there is a difference, and it's all to do with sugar content. 501 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,440 You know on the side of a jam thing, it says: 502 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,360 "This was made with X amount of fruit"? 503 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,160 So, like, 50 grams of fruit made 100 grams of jam? 504 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,920 I don't know what you're talking about. 505 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,760 What does Mrs Beeton... She'll say that 506 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,840 you've gotta have a specific amount of sugar to make it jam. 507 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,560 No, she doesn't. 508 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,800 Three pounds to three pounds! 509 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,880 Well, I'll put the three pounds of sugar in then. 510 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,280 - How many blackberries have you got? - I don't know! 511 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,120 So basically, you can't use that. 512 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,840 - What? - You haven't weighed it. 513 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,520 - You need to know... - I can't use it? 514 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:45,880 You'll need to start again. 515 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,600 I wasn't the only one being bashed on the rocks 516 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:53,720 by Charlie's waves of negativity, 517 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,800 because on the other side of the farm, 518 00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:02,000 Kaleb was also getting a drubbing over his plans to plant oilseed rape. 519 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,960 - I have... your new cropping plan. - All right. Brilliant. 520 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,160 - You've still got rape? - Yeah. 521 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:12,800 Why? 522 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,120 - I think it's a risk. - It is a risk. 523 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:18,000 - When did it last rain? - I can't remember. 524 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,520 Like, April. There's no moisture. The ground's hard. 525 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,360 We're gonna have flea-beetle pressure. 526 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,880 I dunno when it's gonna rain. 527 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,520 But I think it's a risk we've gotta take. 528 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,560 How many farmers this year have not grown rape because of the weather? 529 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,040 - Okay. Quite a lot. - A lot. Yes. 530 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,960 So therefore the price, if it's 5.75 at the moment, 531 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,400 in a year's time, when they say there's a shortage of rape, 532 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,840 because of the reason of no farmers are growing it 'cause of the weather, yeah? 533 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,080 That price could increase. 534 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,080 - If this pulls off... - If. 535 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,120 Or, it fails? 536 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:56,560 I am willing to risk planting oilseed rape this year 537 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,920 - as farm manager. - Are you chasing 538 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,440 the bottom line of the farm 539 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:06,600 or are you just trying to chase Jeremy 'cause he's got a good head start? 540 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:08,400 The farm. 541 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:09,560 And Jeremy. 542 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,200 - Focus on the farm. - I am! I am! 543 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:14,720 Okay. 544 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,920 I am. It'll be fine. 545 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,520 I agreed with Charlie that rape was a bad idea, 546 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:25,200 but there was no time to discuss this 547 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,400 because I needed to hoover up more blackberries for my jam. 548 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,880 If we weigh this, we'll know how much fruit goes in each jar. 549 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,416 How do you know you're gonna fill them the same level each time? 550 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:40,000 We're not buying cocaine. It's not like you say 2 grams or 20. 551 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:41,240 There's a big difference. 552 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,560 I'll go with your logic. 553 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:45,720 Right. 554 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:51,360 - That jar with the lid weighs 228 grams. - Yeah. 555 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:58,360 With the fruit in it's 443 grams. 556 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,000 So 215. 557 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:01,576 - Is that the difference? - Yeah. 558 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:06,640 So we know that in each jar, there will be 215 grams of fruit. 559 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:08,440 - Yes? - Yeah. 560 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,056 If I wash this, it'll be all right to use again, won't it? 561 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:14,480 Yeah, that's the whole point of glass jars, Jeremy, you can reuse them. 562 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:16,040 - Exactly. - There you go. 563 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,880 - Do I have to sterilise it? - Yes, you do have to sterilise it. 564 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:23,280 We've been through that. Put it in a warm oven for ten minutes. 565 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,440 Lid and jar sterilising. 566 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,080 No. No. 567 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,720 - No, there's just nothing there. - No. 568 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,160 - The oven's here. - Oh, right. What's this then? 569 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,480 Despite these minor setbacks, 570 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:56,920 a couple of days later, my jam was ready to go on sale. 571 00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,400 There's all those. 572 00:32:58,480 --> 00:32:59,480 All these. 573 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:04,160 It cost nothing to plant the blackberries. 574 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,760 I didn't have to fertilise them. I didn't have to do anything. 575 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,360 Eat your heart out, Kaleb. 576 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,600 Look what I have got for you. 577 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,120 - No way! - Yes way! 578 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,800 - How much can we sell it for? - What would you like to charge? 579 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:25,960 Well, it cost 1.49 pounds to make. 580 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,960 60p for the jar, 47p for the label, 581 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,600 and 42p for the sugar in each one. 582 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,800 I think 3.60 pounds is a reasonable amount. 583 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,560 - I mean, I can sell it for 4.80. - It's 3.60. 584 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:38,920 I'm not having any of your... 585 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,176 "Well, hoo, we can get away with charging more." 586 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,280 3.60. 587 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,920 As good as it was to see my jam on the shelves, 588 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,040 I knew that my current sources of income from farming the unfarmed 589 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,200 would soon dry up. 590 00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:59,600 Autumn was now upon us, 591 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,120 which meant the bees would knock off for the year 592 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:06,360 and the hedges would become bereft of fruit. 593 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,600 However, I'd had another money-making brainwave 594 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:14,640 and I couldn't wait to tell Charlie all about it. 595 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,000 I've got a new thing. 596 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:20,520 Pigs. 597 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:22,200 Pigs? 598 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,760 Pigs. And there's method in my madness. 599 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,560 This is the Prime Minister speaking. Ready? 600 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,080 {\an8}In a fortnight I'm going to Paris 601 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,640 {\an8}for the world's largest food trade fair 602 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,000 {\an8}and I will be bigging-up British products. 603 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:45,960 In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets. 604 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,960 And she paused there for applause that didn't come. 605 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:52,560 But I was paying attention. 606 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,960 So she's opening up new pork markets. 607 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,800 And this is a woman who's... She's the Prime Minister, now. 608 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:01,000 Thousands and thousands of Conservative Party members have looked at her 609 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,800 and said "She's wise, she's on it, she's bright, she's the right choice." 610 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:10,360 So she thinks there's going to be a burgeoning pork market in China. Hmm? 611 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,640 So do you want to breed pigs? 612 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,680 Yes! 'Cause then you get piglets. 613 00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,560 It'd be fun to have little piglets running around... Won't it? 614 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:22,440 It would be much easier from a management point of view... 615 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,160 - Yeah? - to just buy piglets in, 616 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:28,040 fatten those up, and then kill them to sell in the farm shop. 617 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,736 But then you'd have to buy more. Why don't you just get them breeding? 618 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,680 As soon as you've got a breeding pig, it's a 365 thing. 619 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,920 Somebody's gotta be here every single day, 620 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,920 watering, feeding, moving, checking the welfare. 621 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,480 I cannot believe pigs are complicated. 622 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:47,120 So you have the babies, chop them up, sell them in the shop, sausages. 623 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,080 You get so much from a pig. 624 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,520 But I just... you've... 625 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:55,000 You've jumped from pigs to the farm shop without, 626 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,360 I think, full consideration of the production bit. 627 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,656 Liz Truss says I can sell them in Beijing. She's opening up... 628 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,400 I don't want you to sell them in Beijing. Sell them at the farm shop. 629 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:06,080 - I'm gonna sell them in there. - Who's gonna look after them? 630 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,160 - Me. - Every day? 631 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,320 Yes. I'm here every day. 632 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,000 - When you're not here? - Kaleb. 633 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,680 - Has he got enough time? - Yes. 634 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:17,480 - Where are they gonna live? - Well... 635 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,360 Because Kaleb can't get the potatoes up, they go up into the 636 00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:22,520 where the potatoes are. 637 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:23,560 Fine. 638 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,360 We fence that bit off. 639 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:27,440 - Yep. - They go in there. 640 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:31,160 And they'll eat all the potatoes, so we get value from the potatoes. 641 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:32,776 Yeah, but they won't be there forever. 642 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:35,600 No. Woods. They're gonna be woodland pigs. 643 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:36,960 I can put them in the woods. 644 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,760 'Cause you know I've got that competition going with Kaleb? 645 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,680 I told him I could generate money from the woods, 646 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:43,640 - yes? - Yeah. 647 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,360 If I put pigs, once they've eaten all the potatoes out of there 648 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:47,920 - that he's failed to get up. - Yeah. 649 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,960 - They live in the woods, snouting around. - Yeah. 650 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:54,160 And I'm making money from my side of the enterprise 651 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:56,080 because they can truffle about, 652 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,360 and they just turn over the soil looking for acorns and things, don't they? 653 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,800 In an idyllic sort of Winnie the Pooh world. 654 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,640 They're foragers, but they're more like a JCB, they're earth movers. 655 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:12,960 So you will regenerate the woods into a sort of stock-car track. 656 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,400 You'll have the local kids in there with their BMXs 657 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,840 cycling around these massive earthworks that they've created. 658 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,040 Your ne... This is your most negative yet. 659 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,560 I am just concerned about the production of piglets. 660 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,120 The idyllic nature of it in your mind... 661 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,160 I want to get hundreds of them in the woods, 662 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,520 rootling around, clearing away the thorns. 663 00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:35,280 I, I, I... Look... 664 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:37,320 Actually, I'm gonna get on it now. I'm on it. 665 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,616 I'm going to find a pig farmer. I'm gonna get some pigs. 666 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,600 Piggly Squat Pork. 667 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:43,520 Come on! 668 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,480 Yes! 669 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:54,400 As I set to work, with no help from Charlie, 670 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,280 Kaleb took the Lambo in for a much-needed service... 671 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,760 And then used his own toy tractor to work the fields, 672 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:10,560 whose walls were now looking a bit tired as Gerald was still feeling poorly. 673 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:15,800 Then it was time for Kaleb and I to have a serious chat 674 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,960 about how our competition was going. 675 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:21,320 Hmm. 676 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:22,920 It looks horrible. 677 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,120 Damsons in vodka. 678 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,360 Leave it for a couple of months. And then, sell that. 679 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,336 And we can make our own vodka, according to Lisa... 680 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:32,536 - So how mu... - With our potatoes. 681 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,040 - How much money's... - There? 682 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,520 How much money worth is that? 683 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,160 Three, four hundred quid. 684 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:39,160 This is the future of farming. 685 00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:41,080 - It's not a future. - Well, it is... 686 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,120 That's gonna get someone drunk for one night. 687 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,920 You think one person could drink all that? 688 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:47,560 I think you could drink all of that. 689 00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,800 We then discussed the bill for servicing the Lambo. 690 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,600 - What is it? - Well, there's a lot of stuff. 691 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,320 - Yeah, I mean, it's buggered. - Also... It's not buggered! 692 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,176 - It is. It's time to get a new... - The brakes weren't working. 693 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,480 Just get a new one. What's the total? 694 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:04,960 Could you add these up? 695 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,560 3,259, 696 00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,080 1,543, 697 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,840 99 plus 410. 698 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:15,640 How much is that? 699 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,160 - 5,300 pounds. - That's a lot of money. 700 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:21,616 It's a lot. But, I mean, I'll get three or four years of... 701 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,080 I mean, take that off your margins. Because, I mean, that's... 702 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,160 It's not my margins. It's your farm. 703 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,256 - You're doing the agricultural bit. - All right, then. 704 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,080 - This is coming off yours. - I wanna sell it. 705 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:32,760 You're not gonna sell it. It's my tractor. 706 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,000 Anyway, listen, we're gonna have a chart of who's doing best. 707 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:37,640 Pen. 708 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,640 - So this is "Spent" and "Made". - Hmm. 709 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:45,640 - Jam: 230 pounds. Yes? - Yeah. 710 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:47,800 230 pounds' profit, 711 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,600 once I'd taken the cost of the jars off and everything else, right? 712 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,560 Hmm-hmm. 713 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:56,080 You spent 78,000 pounds on fertiliser. 714 00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:58,560 Made nothing. 715 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,080 So that's where we are at the moment. I'm 230 pounds up. 716 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,880 You're minus 78,000 pounds. 717 00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:07,960 And how much have you spent on seed? 718 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:09,920 2,500 on the rape. 719 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,480 So rape, which I told you not to drill, which you did: 720 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,640 2,500. Wheat? 721 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,560 - Six grand. - 6,000 pounds. 722 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,120 - Chemicals? - 1,500. 723 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:24,480 - Diesel? - 2,000 pounds. 724 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,080 2,000 in diesel. 725 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,920 I don't like this game. 726 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:31,160 - Just... Tractor service? - You broke that though. 727 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,160 So you are now at 78, 728 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:37,160 80, 86, 87, 89, 94 729 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:43,080 minus 95,400 pounds. 730 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,640 And I'm plus 230 pounds. 731 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:53,160 So I'm 95,630 pounds ahead of you. 732 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,000 I haven't... Oh, my honey! 733 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,520 - 8,000 pounds. - What? 734 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,600 A profitable item. 735 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,920 So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up, 736 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:12,080 which proves my idea of farming unfarmed land... is working well. 737 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:21,520 Given that Kaleb's side of the board 738 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,000 looked like Boris Becker's bank statement, 739 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:28,160 I decided to fire up my newly serviced tractor, 740 00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:33,440 and help him out with some topping work in the fields. 741 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,440 Kaleb's out in his old Lamborghini today. 742 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,440 So we've got a brace of Lamborghinis on the job. 743 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,880 A job for Gerald there, look. A broken wall. 744 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,160 Probably badgers. 745 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,640 What's it like to have your tractor back then? 746 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,080 It's so nice. And it stops when I want it to. 747 00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,600 Brakes are good. Power's good. 748 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,840 Comfort's good. Air conditioning's working. 749 00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:09,520 Hello? 750 00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,320 Yeah. 751 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,080 Hi. How's things? 752 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,200 Oh no. 753 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,080 Right. Yeah. 754 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:40,280 Is there anything you want? 755 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,760 Right. Okay. Look, I'll see you later on, okay? 756 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:47,040 All right. Take care. 757 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,680 Gerald's got cancer. 758 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,280 Oh shit.