1 00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,641 Okay, if Brooklyn can hold on 2 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,268 to any part of this lead, 3 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:01,978 they'll remain 4 1/2 games ahead 4 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,480 of the onrushing Giants. 5 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,774 New York has won 16 of the last 18 games, 6 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,485 while the slumping Dodgers have only seven wins 7 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,403 over the same period. 8 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,197 It's 7-4 here in Cincinnati 9 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,490 in the bottom of the eighth. 10 00:01:13,573 --> 00:01:14,657 Nobody on and one down, 11 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,326 and the Reds are up to bat. 12 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,827 The Reds are up to bat here, too. 13 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,954 They're hitting us pretty good, sir. 14 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,499 He who lives by the bat dies by the bat. 15 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:23,792 Oh, very good, Hawkeye. 16 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,335 You need another unit of whole blood. 17 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:26,669 You wanna get with it, Walsh? 18 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,171 Let her get her engine started, Margaret. 19 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,672 I'll handle the nurses. Thank you. 20 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,716 I'll be happy to help. Pickups. 21 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,927 Margaret, my brains are on fire. 22 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,637 Towel. Towel! 23 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,680 Fastball cut on and missed. 24 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,390 -Give me some suction. -The count is O and 2. 25 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:40,558 Newcombe has Bell in a hole 26 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,976 as he looks into Campy again. 27 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,186 Thank you. 28 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,938 The windup, the pitch... 29 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,981 and a swing and a miss for strike three... 30 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,274 good change-up. 31 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,943 Gus was way out in front of it. 32 00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,361 And down he goes. 33 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:53,363 Well, at least he went down swinging. 34 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:54,906 That's the way I want to go. 35 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:56,950 Colonel, permission to kill the radio. 36 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,868 -Granted. -Only four more outs 37 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,578 for his 16th victory of the sea-- 38 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,872 It melted. 39 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,374 You and your hot little hands. 40 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,625 Never mind her hands. 41 00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,335 Go change your gloves, Sweeney. 42 00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:08,419 You're contaminated. 43 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:09,754 I swear I never touched her. 44 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,131 Anybody got an ice cube hat? 45 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,298 Or a snowsuit? 46 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,800 I think I just had a hot flash. 47 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,510 Colonel, are you gonna let them discuss female diseases 48 00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:16,845 with ladies present? 49 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,763 It's not a disease, doctor. It's a symptom. 50 00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,765 That's one for her, Burns. 51 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:22,892 Preston, don't contradict the doctors. 52 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,687 -Or Frank. -Oh, can it, doggie breath. 53 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,272 I need more three-oh silk. 54 00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:28,439 We're out, doctor. 55 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,316 I told you to check Supply. 56 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,442 I did, Major. We're out. 57 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:32,652 You should have anticipated. 58 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,362 We have four-0 silk, doctor. 59 00:02:34,445 --> 00:02:36,156 -Will that do? -Well, it'll have to. 60 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:39,868 Colonel, we can't go on like this. No supplies. No water. 61 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,328 It's been a week since anybody's had a shower. 62 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,663 I know. It's beginning to smell 63 00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:46,124 like the inside of a whale around here. 64 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,293 Imagine what Jonah must have gone through. 65 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:50,670 Some people have the courtesy to sponge in their helmets. 66 00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,422 Do you go in the deep end? 67 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,507 Baker, you want to get that tray organized? It's a mess. 68 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:55,592 Just the way I like it. 69 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:56,801 It's the maid's day off. 70 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,344 Well, it's not procedure. 71 00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,554 And I'll thank both of you 72 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,097 to stop interfering with my staff. 73 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,017 I wouldn't touch your staff with a 10-foot nurse. 74 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,310 Hemostat. 75 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:06,603 Oh, not that, you ninny! The other thing! 76 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,396 But you asked for the hemostat. 77 00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:11,232 Don't give him what he asks for. Give him what he needs. 78 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:12,483 Give him fatter lips. 79 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,694 Major, this woman is impossible! 80 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:16,738 -I demand a nurse. -Listen, Mister, don't call me-- 81 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,615 - Mister? - Dr. Burns to you! 82 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,825 Seems like a lot of conflict in here. 83 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:21,993 Right, Padre. 84 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,828 Everybody, calm down! 85 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,915 Lieutenant Preston, just for that, 86 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,917 you're in charge of cleaning up the O.R. 87 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,211 -after this session. -Yes, Major. 88 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:34,172 He may be a lot of things, but he's no mister. 89 00:03:34,255 --> 00:03:35,840 Thank you. 90 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,095 Fudge. You're kidding. 91 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,764 It's 110 degrees outside. 92 00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:44,849 Oh, this stuff will cool by October. 93 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,685 I'll wait. 94 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,562 We'll add the nuts in September. 95 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,277 Whoop. 96 00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,698 I have your assignments for tomorrow. 97 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,035 I hope that's not what I think it is. 98 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:06,120 We won't know what it is till September. 99 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,792 Why don't you guess? 100 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:13,002 And we'll tell you if you're right. 101 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:15,171 You're drunk. 102 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,257 You know you're not supposed to be cooking in here. 103 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,675 I can't help it. 104 00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,176 I always get cooking when I get drunk. 105 00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:23,513 Be careful, or you'll go on report. 106 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,265 Report? 107 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,849 Heavens to Betsy. 108 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,227 Next thing she'll make me stay after school. 109 00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:32,730 I will not tolerate drunkenness. 110 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,693 Major, I already did my duty, 111 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:39,737 with 17 hours overtime and three cardiac arrests. 112 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,823 You can't upset me. I'm numb. 113 00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:43,241 I don't even feel sad 114 00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:45,743 with burn patients that look like mummies. 115 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,288 That's why I'm drinking: to feel something. 116 00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,416 Lieutenant, when you sober up, 117 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:52,583 you report to my tent. 118 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,210 Major, why don't you leave her alone? 119 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,378 You're in enough trouble 120 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,754 with that peroxide on your hair. 121 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,172 In case you have forgotten, 122 00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,466 it's against regulations to steal from Supply. 123 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,802 Is that one natural blonde to another? 124 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:04,595 My hair has always been this color! 125 00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,347 You mean blonde with black roots? 126 00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:09,475 I don't have black roots! 127 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:10,935 All right, gray. 128 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:13,688 -You rotten little-- -Oh, come on! 129 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,484 Forget it, all right? All right? 130 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,946 I've had it with you, Baker. You're on report. 131 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,782 Your orders will be posted. 132 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,968 Fudge. 133 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:45,636 Fudge. 134 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:50,808 I'm fine, Mom. 135 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:54,354 I'm fine, Mom, uh, but boy, is it hot here. 136 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:57,398 Somebody even broke into the little snowflake paperweight 137 00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,691 you sent me for my birthday. 138 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,612 -Ooh. -Excuse me. 139 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,197 Yeah. 140 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,698 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. 141 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:06,908 Oh, no. That's okay. 142 00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:08,242 I-I'm just writing my mom a letter 143 00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:11,662 on how hot it gets here when it gets hot here. 144 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,081 -Okay. -Yeah? 145 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,624 You know where I can find Lieutenant Baker? 146 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,334 Uh, she's in her tent, 147 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,127 but I don't think she's allowed to see any people. 148 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,213 Oh, I'm not people. I'm her husband. 149 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,256 Oh, you must be the guy that married her. 150 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,509 Right. I'm Tony Baker. 151 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:27,595 Uh, Corporal O'Reilly. 152 00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:29,013 Well, uh, so what's the problem? 153 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,765 Uh, no problem. She just, uh-- 154 00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,100 She got into an argument with Major Houlihan, 155 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,643 and she's confined to her tent. 156 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:34,852 Oh, perfect. 157 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,062 We didn't have a honeymoon. 158 00:06:36,145 --> 00:06:37,647 I just got a 24-hour pass, 159 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,440 and I figured I'd surprise her. 160 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,150 Oh, wow. 161 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,236 Hey, listen, uh, wait a minute. 162 00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:45,029 Maybe I could, uh, sneak her out for a minute. 163 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,864 You know, you could wait in the Swamp. 164 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:47,949 -In the Swamp? -Yeah. 165 00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:49,367 Oh, come on. I'll show you. 166 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,494 Okay, but listen, I want this to be a surprise now. 167 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:52,995 She hasn't seen me in two months. 168 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,997 Boy, you think the army would try to fix it 169 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,624 so guys that are married with each other 170 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,876 could be in the same outfit. 171 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,839 -Here she comes. -Let's act crazy 172 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,340 so she doesn't suspect anything. 173 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,591 -Surprise! -Here she is! 174 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:06,843 Right this way, please. 175 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,553 -Right down there. -What's this all about? 176 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:09,929 Listen, I'm in enough trouble as it is. 177 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:13,307 Mickey Baker, this is your life! 178 00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:16,185 Hawkeye... 179 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,146 Out of minutes of exhaustive research 180 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:20,064 comes a remarkably dull story, 181 00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:22,650 starting with your birth somewhere in the U.S. of A. 182 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,193 -Radar-- -Shortly thereafter, 183 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,070 because of a keen mind and body to match, 184 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,738 you were allowed to skip infancy 185 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,073 and go directly to the third grade, 186 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,741 where you were heard to say... 187 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:32,076 Oh, uh, "When I grow up, 188 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,704 "I want to be in the Korean War." 189 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:35,830 Are you all drunk? 190 00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:37,498 And then there was high school. 191 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:38,749 I'm getting out of here. 192 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,626 Remember those years? 193 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,670 Sad, mad, glad, crazy, funny. 194 00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:45,006 Then... a restaurant in Seoul. 195 00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:49,051 You were sitting alone, when you heard a voice say... 196 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:52,555 When you heard a voice say... 197 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:53,890 Hi! Is this seat taken? 198 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,892 Tony. 199 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,894 Tony, where are you? 200 00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,062 Oh! 201 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,647 Tony, I don't believe it! 202 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,483 Where did you come from? 203 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,193 From under the bed. 204 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,656 Boy, this is even better than the real program. 205 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,908 What program? 206 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,826 You mean there's a show like this? 207 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:14,994 I hear you're in trouble. 208 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,537 Does that mean I can't see you tonight? 209 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,122 -I'm confined to quarters. -Great. 210 00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,832 I've got to be back tomorrow. 211 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,501 And I'm due in post-op in 10 minutes. 212 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,295 Don't worry about tonight. B.J. and I'll fix it. 213 00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:25,379 We will? 214 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,340 For being on our show, this lovely young couple 215 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,050 will be flown at great expense to a tent 216 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:30,676 30 feet from where we're standing, 217 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,595 where they will spend a glorious evening 218 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:33,638 in the Olive Drab Room 219 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:35,097 of the Continental Korean Plaza, 220 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,684 overlooking the fabulous latrine. 221 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,520 Compliments of the wonderful people 222 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,688 -who brought you this war. -Yay! 223 00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,857 How can we be together? I'm restricted. 224 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,026 Let's not talk medicine. Let's talk romance. 225 00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:49,028 The night belongs to lovers. 226 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:51,447 Oh, boy. He got me with that one. 227 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,413 Uh-oh... 228 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,958 Captain, I know this may sound like a frivolous question, 229 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,626 but what the hell are you doing? 230 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:04,919 Quarantining your tent. 231 00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,922 Quarantining my tent? What for? 232 00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,382 There's a very sick soldier in there. 233 00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:10,633 Looks like the plague. 234 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:13,010 The plague. What plague? 235 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,179 Looks like bubonic. We can't be sure yet. 236 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,848 Uh, it-it's gonna take about 24 hours to isolate. 237 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,100 Corporal. 238 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,434 Yes, ma'am? 239 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:21,602 Yes, ma'am? 240 00:09:21,686 --> 00:09:23,688 Is there really a sick man in there? 241 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,356 Oh, uh... 242 00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:28,568 uh, if I were you, I wouldn't suck in any air, Major. 243 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:30,987 Uh-- uh-uh. 244 00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,780 Do you mind? I'd like to see for myself. 245 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:35,449 You want to look in there? Inside there? 246 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:36,951 Of course. 247 00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:39,078 It's gonna be a very rough night. 248 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:43,791 Oh, this is ridiculous. 249 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,334 Why do you always have to inconvenience me? 250 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,836 Well, where are we gonna put him? 251 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:49,046 Why not put him in Father Mulcahy's tent? 252 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,673 No, no, no, we thought about that, 253 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,091 but if the good father got the plague, 254 00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,676 who would give him the last rites? 255 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,344 I need my things. 256 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,887 -Yeah, we thought about that. -Uh, yeah. 257 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,514 I packed your toothbrush, your jammies, 258 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,016 and one of your slingshots. 259 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,813 You jerkface! That's my garter belt. 260 00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:07,440 I'm sorry, ma'am. 261 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:09,108 I try not to look at your unmentionables. 262 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:10,901 I told you not to mention that. 263 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:14,155 Colonel Potter's gonna hear about this. 264 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,157 Pierce, I want the facts on this fella 265 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,325 in Major Houlihan's tent. 266 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,076 Colonel, he had to be quarantined. 267 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,911 The only reason I borrowed Major Houlihan's bed 268 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,246 is that she lives alone... 269 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,497 with good reason, may I add. 270 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,166 -You may not add! -Subtract that. 271 00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:26,542 What's he quarantined for? 272 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,585 About 24 hours. 273 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:28,919 The disease! 274 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,047 Oh, the disease. I'm glad you asked that. 275 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:34,759 Because there's a very simple explanation. 276 00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:36,177 My partner. 277 00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:40,181 At first we thought it was, um, the plague, 278 00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:41,932 uh, but then we've narrowed it down 279 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:45,770 to either typhoid or schistosomiasis. 280 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,272 Schistosomiasis? 281 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,274 What kind of nonsense is that? 282 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,234 No, no, I've heard of that. It's very common. 283 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,487 -Really? -Millions of people contract it 284 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:57,156 by wading waist-high in the river Nile. 285 00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,909 Exactly. Now if you'll excuse us, Colonel. 286 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,118 Not so fast. 287 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,037 How do you suppose a foot soldier in Korea, 288 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,290 a fair distance from Egypt, caught this disease? 289 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:10,670 Um, maybe he went home to see his mummy? 290 00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,088 Doctors, cut the comedy. 291 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,423 What, if anything, is wrong with this boy? 292 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,760 Colonel, he shows all the symptoms of-of typhoid. 293 00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,470 Now, we-we-we can't be sure. 294 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,889 We just have to quarantine him for a while to find out. 295 00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:23,182 Twenty-four hours ought to do it. 296 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,059 Colonel, are you gonna let them get away 297 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:26,686 with whatever it is they're trying to get away with? 298 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,187 It's only for a day. 299 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:30,398 The boy's quarantined for 24 hours. 300 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,400 Where am I supposed to sleep? 301 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,401 With the nurses. 302 00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:35,027 With the nurses? 303 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,696 Have them set up an extra cot. 304 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,573 Isn't there some other way? 305 00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:40,950 Why? Is that a problem? 306 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:43,953 No, of course not, Colonel. 307 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,413 If it is, I can sleep with the nurses 308 00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:46,914 and Major Houlihan can sleep in the Swamp, 309 00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,082 if she doesn't mind snoring. 310 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,250 Won't bother me if she snores. 311 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,585 I'll take the nurses, thank you. 312 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:52,545 Save a couple for me. 313 00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:55,506 Dismissed! I'm getting a headache. 314 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:02,972 You know, I always dreamed 315 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,099 I'd honeymoon in Niagara Falls. 316 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,518 Ah, Richard and I had the bridal suite there. 317 00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,478 - Really? -Yeah. 318 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,022 If we ever get married, I'd like to go back. 319 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,692 -I'm so nervous. -Why? 320 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:17,445 You sneak over to see Tony. You get back before dawn. 321 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,321 Nobody's gonna be the wiser. 322 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,991 It's not that. I'm worried about getting a bath. 323 00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:23,367 Well, it just so happens 324 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,327 we took up a little water collection around camp. 325 00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,079 Oh, really? That's sweet. 326 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:29,582 -Can you fit into a coffee cup? -Oh. 327 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:32,251 I got a little honeymoon present for you. 328 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,211 I was saving it for an emergency, 329 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,131 but, uh, it's just a few drops of perfume. 330 00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,008 Thank you. What's it called? 331 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:41,385 I don't remember. The first time I used it, 332 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:44,764 my boyfriend chewed off the label. 333 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,018 What's the matter? 334 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,562 Private Parker just died. 335 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:56,108 Who's that? 336 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,778 One of the kids in the burn section. 337 00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:02,364 You remember? He was always flirting with Gaynor. 338 00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,162 Hey, I'm sorry. 339 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,208 Try not to take it so hard. 340 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,960 I'm not. That's just it. 341 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,588 We were friends, and I don't feel anything. 342 00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:21,175 I don't feel death anymore. It's just death. 343 00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,100 Oh, now. 344 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,144 Well, I don't have any candy. 345 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:34,063 You never know what you might find. 346 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,317 Oh, uh, you children get out of here. 347 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,736 I don't understand what those kids-- 348 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,282 It isn't necessary to make them feel afraid of me. 349 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,409 I happen to love children. 350 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,120 We thought you might confine them to their huts. 351 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,540 Very funny. 352 00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,625 All right. I want this place to sparkle. 353 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,877 Everything sterile, all instrument packs complete. 354 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,672 Check all trays and inventory all supplies. 355 00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,590 Also, due to a shortage of beds, 356 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,592 I'll be forced to sleep in the Nurses' Tent tonight. 357 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,594 That's right. Mine's been quarantined. 358 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,596 I'm sure you're no more pleased about it than I, 359 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,683 so I suggest we all try to make the best of it. 360 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,979 Hot Lips in our tent. 361 00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:17,398 That'll be like sneaking past a watchdog. 362 00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,108 We'll chloroform her kibble. 363 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:20,734 We'll rock her to sleep. 364 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,153 With a real rock. 365 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:26,073 I don't care if Margaret has to sleep with the nurses tonight. 366 00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:27,992 -What's that to me? -She hates the idea. 367 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:30,953 She'd rather spend time with anyone else, even you. 368 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,454 Frank, this is your big chance. 369 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,164 Hawk and I will clear out of the Swamp, 370 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,458 and you can invite Margaret over for a little Apache dance. 371 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,210 I'm not chasing Margaret. 372 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,920 I'm waiting for her to come to me. 373 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,255 How's that? 374 00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:44,258 You guys don't know a thing about women. 375 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:45,801 Then how come he has a baby? 376 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,178 I'm playing hard to get. I'm making her suffer. 377 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,805 There's sweat on her upper lip. 378 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,265 Frank, it's 110 degrees. 379 00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:53,767 When I see her crawling across the compound 380 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,020 on her hands and knees... 381 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,104 You know what that'll mean? 382 00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,481 -She ate in the Mess Tent? -No! 383 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,734 It'll mean that she's almost ready. 384 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,612 Till then, no dice. 385 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,784 I think we crapped out. 386 00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:13,495 Well, how do I look? 387 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,497 -Sensational. -Oh, gorgeous. 388 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,291 Is that what we're supposed to look like? 389 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:19,543 -I think so. -Mary Jo got it in Tokyo. 390 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,004 And I think it's a little big through here. 391 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:23,172 Look, I loaned you my nightgown. 392 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,174 I can't loan you everything. 393 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:26,842 You don't think it's too much, do ya? 394 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,177 I mean, I don't want to look overanxious. 395 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,220 Well, he might like that. 396 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:32,556 Here comes Houlihan. Quick, under the covers. 397 00:15:36,685 --> 00:15:39,647 -The light. -Oh, I forgot. 398 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,026 Now, are we supposed to be asleep 399 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,235 or just dozing off? 400 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:46,654 Mary Jo, shut up. 401 00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,119 Well, what's this? 402 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,330 Everybody in bed on time for a change? 403 00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:59,458 Well, Major, early to bed, early to rise. 404 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:02,002 No bull session? No coffee tonight? 405 00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:04,964 No, Major, we threw it out. 406 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:06,674 Good night, Major. 407 00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:13,013 Good night. 408 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,910 Halt! Who goes there? 409 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,370 Baker. Uh... 410 00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:38,205 I was going to the latrine. 411 00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:40,290 It's the other way. 412 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,419 Uh, Klinger, I, uh... 413 00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:46,130 don't really have to go to the latrine. 414 00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:48,924 -You don't? -No. 415 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,300 I see. 416 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,761 Um, listen. 417 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,725 Don't, uh, ask any questions, 418 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:00,352 and, um... 419 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,980 my lavender peasant blouse is yours. 420 00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:04,773 With the matching scarf? 421 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,233 Mm-hmm. 422 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,027 Pass. 423 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,595 I... 424 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,805 Shh. 425 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:48,275 Who is it? 426 00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:49,651 Um, it's Corporal O'Reilly. 427 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,403 I was just wondering if I'm bothering you. 428 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:54,073 Uh, come on in, Radar. 429 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,533 Oh, no, listen, I don't want to see your honeymoon. 430 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:57,951 It's all right. Come on in. 431 00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,244 -Come on. -Oh. 432 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,537 I was just leaving. 433 00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,247 Tony has to get back to his outfit. 434 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,540 Oh, gee. 435 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:04,625 Uh, I just thought 436 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,668 maybe you'd like some breakfast. 437 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,338 Um, if you scrape the black off of, uh, it, 438 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,506 it's toast under it. 439 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,966 Thanks, but, uh, I have to shove off. 440 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,264 Take care of yourself, sweetheart, okay? 441 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,141 Okay. 442 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:23,644 Write me. 443 00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:26,396 -I will. -We will. 444 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,649 Oh, gee. Pardon me. I'm sorry. 445 00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,109 I-I guess I'd just better be going. 446 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:33,278 Would you-- Would you tell Hawkeye and B.J. thanks? 447 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,364 Oh, sure. I will. 448 00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:37,199 Gee, love is swell. 449 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,650 Good morning, Major. 450 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,026 Good morning, Lieutenant. 451 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,737 This time I'm gonna throw the book at you. 452 00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:31,670 What have we got? 453 00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:32,838 Got a pregnant one here. 454 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,590 She's in labor, and it's a breech. 455 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,676 -Get her prepped. -Right. 456 00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:40,596 -Chopper's on the pad. -Looks like a sellout. 457 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:48,729 Attention! Incoming casualties. 458 00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:52,024 All personnel report to pre-op immediately. 459 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,902 -Uh, Major, can we talk to you? -About what? 460 00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,570 About what you're gonna do to Lieutenant Baker. 461 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,280 And what does that have to do with you? 462 00:19:58,363 --> 00:19:59,656 She's our friend. 463 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,408 And we don't want to see her in any more trouble. 464 00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,243 Then you should've stopped her. Let's go. 465 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,412 What'd she do that was so wrong? 466 00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,289 She spent the night in my tent 467 00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,416 with a quarantined soldier. 468 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:10,834 That soldier was my husband, 469 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,461 and it's the first time we've been together 470 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,046 since our marriage. 471 00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,423 It was a violation of rules. 472 00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,050 Oh, come on, Major. 473 00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,386 You've ruled, regulated, and reported us to death. 474 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,638 You're in the army, 475 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,765 and the army means discipline. 476 00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:26,808 We know that. But once, just once, 477 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,228 can't you show a little compassion? 478 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,604 And once, just once, 479 00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:32,689 couldn't you be honest with me? 480 00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,775 Last night was just another joke, 481 00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,026 just another lie to Major Houlihan. 482 00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:37,653 How can we be honest with you? 483 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:38,862 You're like a cat waiting for the mice 484 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,989 to make a mistake so you can pounce. 485 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,659 Let's face it, Major. You don't trust us. 486 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,328 And do you trust me? You act like I'm the enemy. 487 00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:48,497 All right. If I had asked your permission last night, 488 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:49,831 what would you have done? 489 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,376 -I would have said no. -See? 490 00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,002 Not because it's against regulations, 491 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,129 but because of the rotten way you've treated me. 492 00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:59,508 The way we've treated you? What are you talking about? 493 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:03,637 Did you ever show me any kind of friendship? 494 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,598 Ask my help with a personal problem? 495 00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:10,811 Include me in one of your little bull sessions? 496 00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:14,022 Can you imagine what it feels like to-- 497 00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:19,319 To walk by this tent and hear you laughing and-- 498 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,197 and know I-I'm not welcome? 499 00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:24,908 Did you ever once 500 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:28,120 ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee? 501 00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:32,416 We didn't think you'd accept. 502 00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:36,378 Well, you were wrong. 503 00:21:43,593 --> 00:21:44,886 Radar, I want to see it. 504 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,513 I want to see that culture report. 505 00:21:46,596 --> 00:21:48,056 The-- The culture report. 506 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,683 On the fella who was quarantined. 507 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:50,809 You remember him. 508 00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:52,436 Oh, yeah, yeah. That fella. 509 00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:53,729 He was a real nice guy. 510 00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,564 Uh, but, uh, I think he got better 511 00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:56,773 because we released him. 512 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,567 -Released him? -Yeah. 513 00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,652 I thought he had typhoid! 514 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:01,862 Oh, that's right. 515 00:22:01,945 --> 00:22:03,488 But it was just the 24-hour kind. 516 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:05,032 -Ooh! -What? 517 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:06,283 I forgot. 518 00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:13,123 Doctors, tell me about this miracle cure 519 00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:14,958 you've discovered for typhoid. 520 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:16,543 Oh, it wasn't, uh, typhoid. 521 00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:17,961 Our diagnosis was all wrong. 522 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:19,546 Yeah, it was just a cold trying to fool us. 523 00:22:19,629 --> 00:22:20,839 You wanna stick with that story? 524 00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:22,382 No, I'm working on a better one. 525 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,718 Keep working, and follow me. 526 00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:28,138 Major Houlihan, we've been had, 527 00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:29,139 you and me. 528 00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:31,016 Your tent was used last night 529 00:22:31,099 --> 00:22:33,018 for some devious shenanigans. 530 00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:34,728 If you'd like to level charges, 531 00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:36,980 I'll understand. 532 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:42,152 I know all about last night, Colonel. 533 00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:45,072 It's a private matter between me and my nurses. 534 00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:47,157 That's the end of it? 535 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,867 Yes, sir. 536 00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:50,786 Whatever you say, Major. 537 00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:52,329 Let's get ready. 538 00:22:53,288 --> 00:22:55,290 Look at that. Anybody got a cigar? 539 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:56,792 I didn't even know we were pregnant. 540 00:22:56,875 --> 00:22:57,959 You delivered it? 541 00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:01,380 Not it. It's Miss Su Ling Sun. 542 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,173 She was a breech. 543 00:23:06,843 --> 00:23:09,471 She may have come into the world backward, 544 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,473 but she landed on her feet. 545 00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:14,601 Oh, isn't she beautiful? 546 00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:16,311 Just like her doctor. 547 00:23:21,691 --> 00:23:22,943 I'm sorry, I-- 548 00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:24,778 I don't know why I'm crying. 549 00:23:24,861 --> 00:23:28,115 It's just life. 550 00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:30,200 You're getting the baby all wet. 551 00:23:30,283 --> 00:23:31,410 Yeah. 552 00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:32,661 Not to mention wasting water. 553 00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:43,505 Why are we making fudge again in this heat? 554 00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:44,923 Well, the last time we made it, 555 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:46,842 Baker threw it all over the front of the tent. 556 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,218 Now I'm gonna throw it against the back 557 00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:50,971 so it'll match. Try some. It's good. 558 00:23:52,222 --> 00:23:53,515 Mmm. What we don't eat, we could always use 559 00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:55,308 to waterproof our boots. 560 00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:59,271 Evening, nurses. 561 00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:00,814 -Good evening, Major. -Good evening, Major. 562 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:04,067 I have your assignments for tomorrow. 563 00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:06,653 I hope that's not what I think it is. 564 00:24:06,736 --> 00:24:09,239 No, Major. It's fudge. 565 00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:12,409 Cooking in the tents is against regulations. 566 00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:14,202 Yes, Major. 567 00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:15,454 Have some? 568 00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:29,092 Oh, that's really bad. 569 00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:31,761 How about a lousy cup of coffee? 570 00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:33,472 I'd love it.