1
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,200
You ready now?

2
00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:22,340
Yeah, lovely.

3
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,040
Oh. OK.

4
00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:26,700
Come up and show me a video.

5
00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:30,060
Yeah. Come up and show me a video, will
you? Yeah.

6
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:31,600
Been on your holidays?

7
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:32,759
I have.

8
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:36,840
Been on your holidays and you come up
and show me a video, innit? Yeah.

9
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,560
Oh, you are a good boy.

10
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:43,060
How much longer this shit go on for?

11
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,520
No, it's my travel diary from India.

12
00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:50,540
Isn't that looks like you?

13
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:52,919
It is.

14
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,280
Oh, don't it look like you?

15
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:55,980
It is me.

16
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:58,200
Oh, look at that, you're on the telly.

17
00:01:05,379 --> 00:01:06,500
Don't you look short.

18
00:01:10,060 --> 00:01:11,880
Who's that stood next to you?

19
00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:14,240
That's Tom. I met him at the youth
hostel.

20
00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:15,840
Oh, God help us.

21
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:20,720
Look, Nan, that's Varanasi in the
Ganges.

22
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,000
Oh, yeah.

23
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:24,760
It's a holy bathing place for Hindus.

24
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,200
Your mate Tom looks like he's having a
good time.

25
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,900
It's a very spiritual place.

26
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,240
Yeah, we used to have Indian women live
near us years ago.

27
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,340
Bombay Mary, we used to call her.

28
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:44,600
Oh, she was a handsome woman. Couldn't
do enough for you. We loved her.

29
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:51,140
She'd make big pots of curry and rice
and lay it all up on a trestle table and

30
00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:52,880
sell it out the front of her house.

31
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,500
People would queue for miles.

32
00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:59,060
And she'd make these great big crisps
and all.

33
00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:02,140
Poppadoms?

34
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:03,840
That's it.

35
00:02:06,090 --> 00:02:07,870
It was everything you could think of.

36
00:02:09,289 --> 00:02:10,530
Oh, it was rotten.

37
00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:15,710
You'd be spewing your guts up for days.

38
00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:21,330
Of course, you couldn't say anything,
though, in case she put a fucking spell

39
00:02:21,330 --> 00:02:22,330
you.

40
00:02:27,330 --> 00:02:28,330
Who's that, then?

41
00:02:28,970 --> 00:02:30,330
I don't know. I'll go and find out.

42
00:02:33,530 --> 00:02:34,530
I'll have a look.

43
00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:37,170
Little fat Buddha.

44
00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:45,990
Nan, this is Pam. She's just moved in
upstairs.

45
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,570
Hi. Oh, hello, sweetheart.

46
00:02:48,810 --> 00:02:52,750
Oh, how lovely you're to drop in. Yeah,
cos I've heard the doorbell go and I

47
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:56,230
said to him, I wonder who that could be.
But you moved upstairs, have you,

48
00:02:56,290 --> 00:02:59,330
darling? Yeah, old Lena used to live
there. God rest her soul.

49
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:00,929
Never mind.

50
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:03,330
You'll like it up there, darling. It's a
beautiful flat.

51
00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:05,690
It's my grandson, Jamie.

52
00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:07,130
He's not gay.

53
00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:12,770
Apparently Tom's just a friend.

54
00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:17,710
I've just been backpacking. Yes, you
don't need to know that.

55
00:03:26,359 --> 00:03:29,280
Backpacking, what a laugh. I went
everywhere, I just didn't want to come

56
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,560
Well, there's nothing like travelling
the world, making friends. Anyway, I

57
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,120
popped down to say hello, show my face,
seen as we're going to be neighbours.

58
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:43,800
What's that lady saying?

59
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,720
I just thought I should introduce
myself, seeing as how I'm living

60
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,820
I can't make it, I am.

61
00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:59,210
I suppose you're one of them illegal
immigrants, you see.

62
00:04:00,530 --> 00:04:04,090
Nan. Oh, you come over on a lorry, love.

63
00:04:05,610 --> 00:04:07,810
You and your old street. Oh.

64
00:04:08,510 --> 00:04:11,210
Oh, I do feel for you, sweetheart. Never
mind.

65
00:04:11,510 --> 00:04:12,670
You're better off here.

66
00:04:12,950 --> 00:04:13,950
That's it.

67
00:04:14,530 --> 00:04:16,630
I'll bet there's fucking mobs of them up
there.

68
00:04:18,310 --> 00:04:19,930
Nan, Pam's from Scotland.

69
00:04:20,450 --> 00:04:21,870
Oh, Scotch, is it?

70
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:23,910
They like a shant.

71
00:04:24,870 --> 00:04:26,690
Can I get you anything, darling?

72
00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:30,190
No, thank you. I'm not stopping. I've
got the removal men downstairs.

73
00:04:31,110 --> 00:04:32,110
Shots followed porridge.

74
00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:37,670
Another time, maybe. I've really got to
dash.

75
00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:39,870
Summit back, kilts.

76
00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:43,790
Right. OK, bye.

77
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,570
Are you going, darling?

78
00:04:45,790 --> 00:04:47,690
All right, then. You know, bring her
down.

79
00:05:07,260 --> 00:05:08,260
Fucking libertine!

80
00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:13,620
She was blind drunk, the woman!

81
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:16,660
No, she wasn't drunk.

82
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:19,220
She was going to turn violent, I know,
weren't she?

83
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,180
You could see it in her eyes.

84
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:22,520
No, she wasn't.

85
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,780
She was frothing at the fucking mouth!

86
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:30,600
You'd have had it on your toes, wouldn't
you, eh? A bit lively. You'd have been

87
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,940
down them stairs and out of it while I'm
up here on my own being wrestled to the

88
00:05:34,940 --> 00:05:35,940
ground.

89
00:05:43,470 --> 00:05:45,530
God blimey, this saint's still on, is
it?

90
00:05:46,530 --> 00:05:48,190
Well, you don't have to watch it.

91
00:05:48,610 --> 00:05:49,690
What's he doing there?

92
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:53,090
That's me and Tom practising Ashtanga
yoga.

93
00:05:54,470 --> 00:05:57,690
You dirty fucking pucker!

94
00:06:04,270 --> 00:06:08,750
After her husband of nine days was
electrocuted on death row in his Texan

95
00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:14,210
penitentiary, Elaine Figgis was conned
out of £5 ,500 over the internet by a

96
00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:15,870
spice seller from Luxor Temple.

97
00:06:17,350 --> 00:06:21,130
Unlucky in love, Elaine has now decided
she wants to have a baby.

98
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:28,870
I think it's a drive with women,
inbuilt, the desire to nurture, to give

99
00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:32,530
love. And let's face it, Tanya, I'm not
getting any younger.

100
00:06:33,930 --> 00:06:38,010
Some days I can hear my biological clock
ticking so loud it scares me.

101
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:44,970
Oh,

102
00:06:46,050 --> 00:06:48,290
that's not me.

103
00:06:54,050 --> 00:06:56,190
So who are you going to have a baby
with?

104
00:06:56,790 --> 00:07:00,710
Well, I was hoping it would be my last
boyfriend, Donald.

105
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:03,460
It was great, Donald.

106
00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:04,780
It was a tad violent.

107
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,360
A man of very few words, and most of
those are swears.

108
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:15,160
But sadly, he felt his time on Earth was
better spent with Linda from the pine

109
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,160
shop.

110
00:07:17,740 --> 00:07:18,740
Ooh.

111
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,940
That's a nice one.

112
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,060
Ooh, I wouldn't mind one like that.

113
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,840
So you're looking for a black pot, then?

114
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:32,590
Unlike a lot of people on this...
Street, Tanya, I'm not a racist.

115
00:07:33,430 --> 00:07:34,430
I'll have anyone.

116
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:40,430
But remember, it's 2006.

117
00:07:41,270 --> 00:07:43,270
Who needs a man to have a baby?

118
00:07:44,190 --> 00:07:47,670
Well, presumably you're not capable of
producing your own sperm.

119
00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:50,870
Do you mind not saying that word? It
goes right through me.

120
00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:56,390
No, admittedly, I will have to have a
donation of some description.

121
00:07:57,390 --> 00:08:03,250
I did ask my great pals, Michael and
Gordon, or the boys, as I like to call

122
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:07,870
them, if they'd ever fancied a baby, but
apparently they're getting a shih tzu

123
00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:09,410
from a trolley dolly in Tring.

124
00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:11,630
Plan B.

125
00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:15,790
Whether you're a mother or whether
you're a brother, you're staying alive,

126
00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:19,430
staying alive. Feel the city breaking
and everybody shaking and we're staying

127
00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:20,430
alive.

128
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,700
Oh, it was lovely, thank you. We took
Michaela to see the new Disney film.

129
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,280
Did her asthma make it a dismal night
for all concerned?

130
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,480
No, that's cleared up now.

131
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,520
Oh, I'm delighted for you. That's
champion news.

132
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,240
Cos there's nothing worse than trying to
concentrate on a film and having the

133
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,080
person next to you selfishly gasping for
air.

134
00:08:56,900 --> 00:09:00,160
Can I borrow your nice stainless steel
pencil shortener?

135
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,300
Um, sure, yeah.

136
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,300
I'll tell you what it is.

137
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:10,360
Me and some of the other girls down at
the Tyne and Way Choral Society are

138
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:11,940
a sponsored sing -a -thon.

139
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,240
Oh, right.

140
00:09:13,580 --> 00:09:18,520
Another fundraiser. We're singing the
hits of Andrew Lloyd Webber, past and

141
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,860
present, 24 hours a day, for the next
fortnight.

142
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:30,540
For all the little folk in the North
East area who... but with obsessive

143
00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:31,740
-compulsive disorder.

144
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,820
I've never met anyone with obsessive
-compulsive disorder.

145
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:42,160
That's because they're locked in the
bathroom 14 hours a day, washing the

146
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,160
off their hands.

147
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:44,880
Really?

148
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,000
If you don't believe me, log on to the
website.

149
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:51,780
W -W -W, just Christ, I've left the iron
on.

150
00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:58,810
dot UK forward slash. No, I haven't.
Forward slash.

151
00:09:59,650 --> 00:10:06,550
What shall I put you down

152
00:10:06,550 --> 00:10:07,550
for?

153
00:10:07,830 --> 00:10:09,750
Well, three pounds a week.

154
00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:12,910
Six pounds?

155
00:10:14,550 --> 00:10:15,750
Six pounds?

156
00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:17,610
To sing...

157
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,500
All right, £3 .50 a week.

158
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:33,540
£7? I don't think you've quite grossed
the gravity of the situation, Martha.

159
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:40,420
Did you know that every 38 minutes, one
of those poor little halfwits who's

160
00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:46,080
flown off on the holiday of a lifetime
touches down and then has to fly

161
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:51,000
home again because he's got a niggling
feeling he's left the top of the shaken

162
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,000
vat?

163
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,760
£7 is all I can afford.

164
00:10:58,890 --> 00:11:00,530
I've had an expensive month, Georgie.

165
00:11:00,810 --> 00:11:04,070
Let's say no more about it, cos I
wouldn't want it to come between us.

166
00:11:04,410 --> 00:11:05,970
Best of luck with the thing -a -thon.

167
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,550
Don't cry for me, old Argentina.

168
00:11:22,170 --> 00:11:24,370
The giant's gone! The giant!

169
00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:33,700
We're in Pudsey cos our Jackie's married
a Spaniard.

170
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:35,220
Don't ask.

171
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,440
She's only known him three months, but
she's pushing 42 and beggars can't be

172
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,120
chosen. Especially your Jackie.

173
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,160
Any road, we're at the reception.

174
00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:45,560
What do they call that place?

175
00:11:45,980 --> 00:11:49,880
La Ventana. This is in Pudsey. La
Ventana.

176
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,720
So we shake hands with Jackie and then
Rika.

177
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:58,600
Not a dicky bird about the sombrero, we
said to. And we sat down on a table next

178
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,600
to the scone shop lot. Again?

179
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,660
Right next to the water feature, so I'm
nipping to the ladies every five minutes

180
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:06,880
because my blood is not what it was.
They don't need to know that.

181
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:08,620
Any road.

182
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,920
You get a choice for your first course.

183
00:12:12,220 --> 00:12:13,360
Listen to this.

184
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,460
Parma ham with melon balls.

185
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,500
Calamari.

186
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:23,650
What do they call it?

187
00:12:24,830 --> 00:12:27,030
Gazpacho. Give him his strength.

188
00:12:27,670 --> 00:12:31,910
So I said I'd have the parma ham with
melon balls because they take out the

189
00:12:31,910 --> 00:12:34,230
parma ham because it makes the melon
taste salty.

190
00:12:34,970 --> 00:12:37,530
And Ray said he'd have the gazpacho.

191
00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:38,990
Famous last words.

192
00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:41,710
So anyway, first course arrived.

193
00:12:42,310 --> 00:12:45,410
Bear in mind, all we've had is a sausage
roll and a sticky bun on the M6 toll

194
00:12:45,410 --> 00:12:47,510
road. And you'll never guess what it
was.

195
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:49,350
This.

196
00:12:49,730 --> 00:12:50,950
Gazpacho business.

197
00:12:51,330 --> 00:12:52,370
You couldn't make it up.

198
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:57,070
Cold tomato soup.

199
00:12:58,170 --> 00:12:59,670
Tomato soup.

200
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,530
Cold.

201
00:13:02,050 --> 00:13:03,050
Soup.

202
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:04,870
Tomato.

203
00:13:06,210 --> 00:13:10,090
Cold. They couldn't even be asked to
warm it up.

204
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,630
Well, rare when ape.

205
00:13:12,970 --> 00:13:14,550
The dirty bastards.

206
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,520
That's not all. Tell them what we're
floating on top.

207
00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:25,160
Croutons. Stale bread, basically.

208
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,320
Just when you think you've seen it all.

209
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,280
Tiny bits of stale bread.

210
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,520
On cold tomatoes.

211
00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:35,660
This has been pudsy.

212
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:41,420
The dirty, evil, lazy bastardos.

213
00:13:46,949 --> 00:13:51,270
Continuing her quest to have a baby,
Elaine is visiting a sperm bank.

214
00:13:51,830 --> 00:13:53,290
Oh, he sounds interesting.

215
00:13:54,490 --> 00:13:56,450
Oh, he's a jockey. They're tiny.

216
00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:58,510
He's a disc jockey.

217
00:13:59,250 --> 00:14:00,950
Remember Diddy David Hamilton?

218
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:04,230
Oh, look, he's six foot one.

219
00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:06,090
Oh, glasses.

220
00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:07,950
I don't think so.

221
00:14:09,730 --> 00:14:12,270
Have you got any nice coffee -coloured
ones?

222
00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:14,670
We have black donors, yes.

223
00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:16,410
Oh, AX.

224
00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:18,130
3902. Oh.

225
00:14:18,330 --> 00:14:19,610
Oh, now you sound perfect.

226
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,990
BSC from Doncaster.

227
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:27,130
I've been to Doncaster. The accent
greats on me.

228
00:14:28,590 --> 00:14:31,890
Your baby wouldn't necessarily have a
Doncaster accent.

229
00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:34,590
But can I take that risk, Amelia?

230
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,490
Don't blame it on sunshine.

231
00:14:46,890 --> 00:14:47,890
Blame it on the good time.

232
00:14:48,690 --> 00:14:49,850
Blame it on the brigade.

233
00:14:51,430 --> 00:14:53,390
Do you know what time I'm going up to
physio?

234
00:14:53,670 --> 00:14:59,090
I just can't. I just can't. I just can't
control my face. Oh, it's a grand day

235
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:00,290
today, Mr Anderson.

236
00:15:00,850 --> 00:15:01,850
Well, why's that, then?

237
00:15:01,870 --> 00:15:04,010
My sisters are coming over from Ireland.

238
00:15:04,430 --> 00:15:06,090
Brenda and Bridie.

239
00:15:06,410 --> 00:15:08,690
They are the bollocks.

240
00:15:10,130 --> 00:15:12,370
You've got sisters, have you? Are they
like you?

241
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:15,410
Oh, God, no, no. Our Brenda's the right
person.

242
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,140
I'm the quiet one.

243
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,820
Is there any chance of checking what
time I'm going up to physio? I'm in the

244
00:15:24,820 --> 00:15:25,820
mood.

245
00:16:04,010 --> 00:16:06,850
Have you any idea what time I'm going up
to physio?

246
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:09,550
Brenda, Bridie, this is Jack.

247
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:11,490
How's it going?

248
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:14,750
I've got suspected DVT.

249
00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:19,630
Dad, you must put it about a bit.

250
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:23,850
Actually, it's deep vein thrombosis.

251
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,090
I got it on a long -haul flight from
Australia.

252
00:16:26,490 --> 00:16:29,590
I got it on a short -haul flight to
Cork, but then again, I'm a very fast

253
00:16:36,050 --> 00:16:37,050
Down under.

254
00:16:38,450 --> 00:16:40,390
Yeah, it was a great experience.

255
00:16:41,030 --> 00:16:42,870
I spent a lot of time in the bush.

256
00:16:46,190 --> 00:16:47,290
Jack, you're outrageous.

257
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:49,270
I can't believe you just said that.

258
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,970
I really think it might be time for me
to go up to my physio. Oh, will you calm

259
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,270
yourselves down? It's not for ages yet.

260
00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:58,430
Oh, well, in that case, I'll just get my
head down.

261
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,760
time to do the dinner round. Oh, can we
tag along?

262
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:21,599
Oh, God, yeah, it's a great crack,
especially when you do the anorexics,

263
00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:25,119
they have, like, just one pee, and then
you can take the rest for yourselves.

264
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:27,880
That's brilliant!

265
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,620
Have you got enough for...

266
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:39,060
It's been six months since we last saw
Elaine, and there's been some good news.

267
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,000
It was the happiest day of my life.

268
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,800
The morning I woke up and realised I'd
missed my monthlies.

269
00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:47,520
So who's the father?

270
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,300
A strawberry blonde web designer.

271
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,000
Whatever that is.

272
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:53,420
Called Marcus.

273
00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:54,860
Very posh.

274
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,840
His tour is for Sagittarius Rising.

275
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,760
Appreciates sculpture and can't get
enough of Desperate Housewives.

276
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,400
I've not actually seen a photo of him,
but I like to think he looks something

277
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,400
like this.

278
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:17,140
How far along are you? About six months,
thereabouts.

279
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,160
You're not showing.

280
00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:23,440
Not on the outside, no. On the inside,
I'm huge.

281
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,000
My mum was the same with me, you know,
flattered a pancake right through the

282
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,160
pregnancy, and then I popped out, I was
over a foot long.

283
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,520
and the footlong's picky.

284
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:40,020
My auntie Pearl still calls me fussy,
which can be a little bit confusing, you

285
00:19:40,020 --> 00:19:41,940
know, if I'm stood next to a football.

286
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:44,880
Do you like my mobile?

287
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,920
And the check -ups and scans, they're
all going OK, are they?

288
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,680
Don't really bother with all that, to be
honest with you.

289
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:56,500
You know, but baby's fine, you know, I
can feel it in my waters.

290
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,320
I can feel it in my uterus, really.

291
00:20:00,970 --> 00:20:02,890
Have you thought of any names yet,
Elaine?

292
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:08,570
I was thinking about Mandy for a girl,
you know, after Barry Manilow.

293
00:20:08,870 --> 00:20:14,110
And if it's a boy, maybe something
royal, you know, possibly Fergus.

294
00:20:15,950 --> 00:20:17,790
I see you've bought a pram already.

295
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:19,150
Got it off eBay.

296
00:20:20,130 --> 00:20:23,490
Bit of a nightmare, actually, because,
you know, it's got a tendency to be a

297
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:26,130
left, you know. It just won't go right,
so...

298
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:30,700
If I want to go right, I have to come
full circle, face the direction I want

299
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:31,700
go.

300
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:42,600
I'm not sure if that was a contraption.

301
00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:48,200
Really? So soon?

302
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,560
No, you're right. It was last night's
because...

303
00:20:56,270 --> 00:20:57,029
See you tomorrow.

304
00:20:57,030 --> 00:21:03,890
Bye. Bye. Miss Langford, Miss Langford,
if you could just sign it to Derek and

305
00:21:03,890 --> 00:21:07,510
Leonard with a great big showbiz kiss,
love, Bonnie, that would be great.

306
00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:11,510
We thought the show tonight was out of
this world.

307
00:21:11,930 --> 00:21:16,810
And what with you doing all that skating
week in, week out. Thank you. We voted

308
00:21:16,810 --> 00:21:17,950
for you 38 times.

309
00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:22,030
Oh. Sorry, to Derek and... Leonard,
dear.

310
00:21:22,890 --> 00:21:24,290
I've got a lot of gay fans.

311
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:28,360
I beg pardon?

312
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:30,900
I said I've got a lot of gay fans.

313
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,360
Have you?

314
00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:35,720
Actually, has that got to do with the
price of Moe Veggs, dear?

315
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,500
Well, you and Leonard, say.

316
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:42,900
What on earth are you insinuating?

317
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,620
Gay fans?

318
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:47,880
Me and Leonard?

319
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,560
How very dear.

320
00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,920
I'm... I'm sorry, I...

321
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:55,440
Didn't mean to offend you.

322
00:21:55,620 --> 00:21:57,300
I'll just sign the book, Ginger.

323
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,960
I just assumed that you were... Gay,
dear, who's him? He's him, who's him?

324
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:09,640
Just because a man is partial to an
evening musical theatre and doesn't shy

325
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:15,000
from a chest wax, you assume he likes
his shopping dropped off round the back?

326
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,220
There's nothing wrong with being gay,
you know.

327
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:25,160
25 years my mother and I have been
following your career and you come out

328
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:29,240
this. Well, I find you and your splits
impertinent.

329
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,960
Come on, Leonard, we're off.

330
00:22:33,140 --> 00:22:34,220
Gay fans?

331
00:22:35,420 --> 00:22:37,800
How very dare you!

332
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:40,300
I'm so sorry.

333
00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:43,120
Who shall I put this to?

334
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,320
Neil.

335
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:50,260
Excuse me, dear. If you see Scylla,
would you get a scribble on that? Thank

336
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,280
dear.

337
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:59,140
Elaine is ten days overdue and there's
still no sign of baby Figgis.

338
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,120
How are you feeling, Elaine?

339
00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:06,480
If it doesn't come soon, I think I'll
drag it out myself.

340
00:23:09,260 --> 00:23:10,420
No, I mean I wouldn't.

341
00:23:11,950 --> 00:23:15,410
I have to say, Elaine, you're still
remarkably small for nine months. Is

342
00:23:15,410 --> 00:23:16,410
everything OK?

343
00:23:17,090 --> 00:23:18,750
Is that the new haircut, Tanya?

344
00:23:20,150 --> 00:23:24,410
Elaine, this is a difficult question.
Oh, it's not long division, is it?

345
00:23:24,410 --> 00:23:25,410
I'm hopeless.

346
00:23:26,950 --> 00:23:28,970
Are you really pregnant?

347
00:23:31,270 --> 00:23:33,090
Pregnant in what sense, Tanya?

348
00:23:34,230 --> 00:23:36,250
Well, the biological sense.

349
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:43,360
No.

350
00:23:44,180 --> 00:23:45,740
Do you want to talk about it, Elaine?

351
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,480
I don't think so, thank you.

352
00:24:18,709 --> 00:24:22,730
Can you believe it? I asked him for a
chilli chimichanga burger, extra

353
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:23,750
extra cheese, extra burger.

354
00:24:23,930 --> 00:24:24,930
What did he give you, mate?

355
00:24:25,050 --> 00:24:28,590
Chilli chimichanga burger, extra
gherkin, extra cheese, extra burger and

356
00:24:31,050 --> 00:24:32,050
Muppet.

357
00:24:32,890 --> 00:24:33,890
All right?

358
00:24:34,190 --> 00:24:35,190
All right.

359
00:24:36,550 --> 00:24:39,370
Lauren, there's something I need to ask
you.

360
00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:43,390
You know that, like, we've been, like,
you know, for about a year now?

361
00:24:43,710 --> 00:24:44,439
What, mate?

362
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:45,440
We're, like, going out.

363
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,040
Oh, my God.

364
00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:48,060
In you do.

365
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,680
Well, the thing is, I've been thinking,
and, like, you ain't all that, but the

366
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:57,340
thing is that I've been thinking, like,
maybe we could, like, get... Oh, my God.

367
00:24:57,380 --> 00:24:58,380
Oh, my God, though.

368
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,740
Oh, my God, is he going down on one
knee, though? Oh, my God, is he going

369
00:25:01,740 --> 00:25:03,460
on one knee, though? Going down on one
knee, though.

370
00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:04,940
Lauren. Is it?

371
00:25:05,780 --> 00:25:06,920
You want to get hitched up, mate?

372
00:25:39,660 --> 00:25:40,840
that you want to get hitched up.

373
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,460
That is well bad.

374
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,440
Are you saying that you didn't mean it,
though? Of course I didn't mean it.

375
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,660
But she thought you were... I can't get
married.

376
00:25:48,980 --> 00:25:50,520
That is so dry, mate.

377
00:25:50,780 --> 00:25:51,940
I did it for a bet, though.

378
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,740
Getting married. I can't get married.
I've got to concentrate on my...

379
00:25:55,740 --> 00:26:00,060
Beatboxing and stuff.

380
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:02,280
Getting married.

381
00:26:03,580 --> 00:26:04,580
Well bad.

382
00:26:10,670 --> 00:26:13,750
Are you alright, though? Yeah, I'm sweet
as, mate. But you thought he wanted to

383
00:26:13,750 --> 00:26:14,750
marry you.

384
00:26:14,770 --> 00:26:16,570
No, I didn't. But he was having a bet,
mate.

385
00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:17,990
Yeah, well, so was I, mate.

386
00:26:18,190 --> 00:26:19,129
Who with me?

387
00:26:19,130 --> 00:26:20,430
Right, are you saying I'll never get
married?

388
00:26:20,770 --> 00:26:22,590
No, I'm joking. Are you saying I'll
never get married, though?

389
00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:24,130
What? Are you saying I'm going to die
alone?

390
00:26:24,450 --> 00:26:27,530
No. Are you saying I'm going to be
miserable my whole life? No. Are you

391
00:26:27,530 --> 00:26:28,329
me ugly?

392
00:26:28,330 --> 00:26:30,950
What? Are you saying that I'm a ugly
sister?

393
00:26:31,210 --> 00:26:33,270
No. Are you saying that I'm a ugly
sister, though?

394
00:26:33,490 --> 00:26:34,790
No. Oh, no, but I don't even care.

395
00:26:35,090 --> 00:26:38,270
Yeah, but you... No, but I don't even
care, mate. But he proposed to you as a

396
00:26:38,270 --> 00:26:39,270
joke...

397
00:26:54,730 --> 00:26:56,950
I ain't even bothered, though. You... I
ain't even bothered. But you were

398
00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:57,950
excited.

399
00:26:57,970 --> 00:26:58,729
No, I wasn't, though.

400
00:26:58,730 --> 00:27:00,950
Yeah, but you got up and did a dance,
though. Yeah, I was going to do that

401
00:27:00,950 --> 00:27:02,430
anyway. No, you weren't.

402
00:27:02,890 --> 00:27:04,970
No, I was just busting some moves.

403
00:27:05,170 --> 00:27:07,850
Me. No, because I was just busting some
moves, though. Take the shade. No,

404
00:27:07,850 --> 00:27:09,850
because I ain't even bothered. Yes, you
are, though. No, I ain't even bothered.

405
00:27:09,970 --> 00:27:12,470
Do I look bothered? Sorry, do I look
bothered? Look at my face, right? Look

406
00:27:12,470 --> 00:27:14,850
my face. No, you ain't looking at my
face. No, look at my face. Look at my

407
00:27:14,910 --> 00:27:17,650
right? No, just look at my face. Look at
my face. Does any part of my face

408
00:27:17,650 --> 00:27:19,170
bother? Does my face look bothered? Yep.

409
00:27:19,650 --> 00:27:20,650
Right, are you blind?

410
00:27:20,790 --> 00:27:23,940
Me. Right, are you a blind person? No.
Right, is it that you can't... Can't

411
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,580
Right, do you read with your fingers?

412
00:27:26,380 --> 00:27:27,720
Do you read with your fingers up?

413
00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:31,460
Me, come on. Right, do you listen to
books? Me. Is David Blunkett your dad?

414
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:34,940
You think that can take your dog into
Marks and Spencer?