1 00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:52,220 Butler Art Restoration, this is Laurie. How may I help you? 2 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,920 Sally from... Yeah, hi. 3 00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,220 Hi. Yeah, long time. 4 00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:01,580 Yes. 5 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:03,880 What's up? 6 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,840 OK. What kind of work? 7 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:15,740 Yes, I can't do right now, but I could do this afternoon. 8 00:01:17,270 --> 00:01:20,250 Yeah, there's a pub near where I live. Shall I send you the address? 9 00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:22,890 Okay. All right. 10 00:01:32,890 --> 00:01:33,890 I'm so sorry. 11 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:35,250 That's all right. 12 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,330 How may I help you? 13 00:01:37,450 --> 00:01:40,950 Yes, can I have red lentils noodles, please? Yes, some noodles. 14 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,010 It's eight unfinished canvases. 15 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,230 Would have been nine. 16 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,040 Fuck off, Barnaby. Should have been nine. 17 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,520 I forget why there aren't nine. Seriously, Barney, fuck you. She tried 18 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:53,860 herself. Whatever. 19 00:01:54,060 --> 00:01:57,680 She nicked one. Hang on. It's actually why we're not allowed round there. I 20 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:58,658 a photo. Barnaby. 21 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:02,360 Whatever. It's only a three million pound dump she took. Yet they weren't 22 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,179 fuck all. 23 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:04,119 Yet. 24 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,900 Look, there are theories of barely finished canvases with Polaroid stuck on 25 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:13,300 them. There were nothing. Of which nothings, we have eight from Dad's only 26 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,140 remaining good period which he abandoned. 27 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,960 And these are the third series of Christmas? 28 00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:21,820 The point is, he's not going to be here much longer. And if, when he passes, 29 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,120 they go through his third floor storage, which he doesn't open and never will, 30 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:31,480 and they happen to find that he's finished a previously undiscovered 31 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:36,180 All the original brushes, all the original paint... ..on original canvases 32 00:02:36,180 --> 00:02:40,100 literally, if someone checked, contain molecular traces of his DNA. 33 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:41,660 They can actually do that? 34 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:43,100 I'm aware. 35 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:45,680 So? 36 00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:49,290 You said this was a restoration job. 37 00:02:49,710 --> 00:02:50,710 It is. 38 00:02:51,090 --> 00:02:52,230 It's a forgery job. 39 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:58,030 No, no, no, God, no, no. What we're trying to get you to do is merely 40 00:02:58,030 --> 00:03:02,710 them. By forging them? By forging through them until they're completed. 41 00:03:03,990 --> 00:03:05,670 Laurie, though, does it even matter? 42 00:03:06,930 --> 00:03:08,090 What are you talking about? 43 00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:09,930 Of course it matters. 44 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,390 Doesn't it, though, actually? 45 00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:17,630 My dad has his assistants complete his paintings all the time. Yes, but these 46 00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:18,750 he's hardly even started. 47 00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:21,350 How do you know he didn't already have them all mapped out in his head, Laurie? 48 00:03:21,730 --> 00:03:25,290 Two months ago, a piece from dad's first set of Christmas sold at a Russian 49 00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:26,690 auction for three million plus. 50 00:03:26,930 --> 00:03:29,530 A piece from the second set, 3 .5 in China. 51 00:03:29,970 --> 00:03:36,650 His style, as I'm sure you found out, is unique and quite hard to replicate. 52 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:38,550 You can, though. 53 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,310 I don't know about that. 54 00:03:41,130 --> 00:03:43,010 Central Saint Martins, week one. 55 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,630 Our very first assignment. 56 00:03:45,270 --> 00:03:49,370 Come up with a series of works in the style of the artist who inspired you the 57 00:03:49,370 --> 00:03:52,390 most. I saw it, Laurie, with my own eyes. 58 00:03:52,930 --> 00:03:55,070 Yes, that was a very long time ago. 59 00:03:55,970 --> 00:04:01,250 And since then, well, you know, you've seen what I've said about him. 60 00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:06,570 Didn't you guys meet once? Am I remembering that rightly, back when we 61 00:04:06,570 --> 00:04:09,690 college? We know why you hate him, is the point. 62 00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:15,360 Think of this as a way to get revenge. Do the numbers, Laurie. Everybody knows 63 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,399 what one original Julian Sklar from that period is worth. 64 00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:49,430 I love you. 65 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,280 I'm not. 66 00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:17,280 Antanas. Is that the name? 67 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:23,540 It doesn't even matter, as it's unpronounceable and there's violence to 68 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,740 So I shall call you Tony. 69 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:31,800 And for your birthday, Tony, imagine me drawing you a tiger, 70 00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:38,940 upon which you are gallantly perched in your sleeveless Tottenham Hotspur 71 00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:43,520 shirt, which is 48. You're far too old to be wearing that. 72 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:48,220 And I am Julian Scar, and here I am signing off. 73 00:07:49,660 --> 00:07:51,100 Tea? Coffee? 74 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,160 Water? 75 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,560 Oh, uh, thank you. 76 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,600 Water would be great, actually, yes. 77 00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:04,560 Well, be a dear, and grab me one as well, just by the front door. 78 00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:07,700 Jeremy. 79 00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:11,580 Jeremy, you can... 80 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,140 Elisa, Julian Sklar here. 81 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,940 Your mother would like me to tell you not to quit art school. 82 00:08:37,340 --> 00:08:38,679 Seriously, though, do. 83 00:08:39,799 --> 00:08:44,400 Those clowns at Camberwell will poison you with their Sainsbury's Isles of 84 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,400 ideas. 85 00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:47,740 Processed, packed in plastic. 86 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:51,160 The stay list up front so that you buy into those first. 87 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:54,860 Grow your own, I say. Go organic. 88 00:08:56,260 --> 00:08:58,480 Although, I hear that's all rubbish, too. 89 00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,460 Do you know how much plastic we eat in a week? 90 00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:06,780 A credit card's worth. It's in the water now. It's... Oh, Bruce. 91 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:08,940 So, happy birthday. 92 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,780 Stay in school, blah, blah. I'm Julian Scar. 93 00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:16,840 And here I am, as I always am, signing off. 94 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,080 £149. 95 00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,330 2 .49 if I sign. 96 00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:34,730 Thank you. 97 00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:37,110 Never get old. 98 00:09:38,270 --> 00:09:39,730 Oh, I'm sorry. 99 00:09:40,910 --> 00:09:43,950 Oh, um, Laurie Butler, I guess. 100 00:09:44,230 --> 00:09:46,270 Never get old, Laurie Butler. 101 00:09:47,130 --> 00:09:48,650 It's been 102 00:09:48,650 --> 00:09:55,250 a while since I 103 00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:56,410 interviewed an assistant. 104 00:09:58,319 --> 00:10:04,400 Sure. Tell me about yourself. However, if you are a painter, I don't want to 105 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:05,400 know about it. 106 00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:07,760 I do dispense with the big fan. 107 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:13,200 You were with me through whatever drudgery life's journey has taken you. 108 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,260 Heartbreak, blah, blah, grieving. 109 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:21,280 Because we both know that's a lie, as I've done nothing but shit in 30 years. 110 00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:23,220 Nothing at all, and 20? 111 00:10:24,780 --> 00:10:29,040 You made me want to be an artist. No, my dear, you're fucked up. Childhood made 112 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:33,480 you want to be an artist. I'm just what you tripped over as you scurried to 113 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:34,480 freedom. 114 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:39,920 Glory, is it? 115 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:48,340 If you claim to be a fan of that hideous reality show Art Fight, you may 116 00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:49,340 show yourself up. 117 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:53,280 Even the creators of that pandering pig slop. 118 00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:54,790 weren't fanned. 119 00:10:55,330 --> 00:11:00,930 And I realize this makes it challenging to find a compliment that doesn't read 120 00:11:00,930 --> 00:11:01,970 like your secrecy. 121 00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:03,910 Listen to that, you'll have my sympathies. 122 00:11:04,610 --> 00:11:08,570 Because don't get me wrong, I like my flattery, I just need to believe it. 123 00:11:09,290 --> 00:11:13,370 So, for now, I'll take I am a woman and I don't hate you, Julian. 124 00:11:14,050 --> 00:11:16,850 They hate me, the women, even more than the men. 125 00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:22,950 I was bisexual, Laurie, when it actually cost something, sir. 126 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:26,320 Are you any good with humidifiers? 127 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,360 I'm sorry? 128 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,720 Well, I'm told that I would benefit from the use of a humidifier. 129 00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:40,040 And the infographics, they burn a shadow on the retina, 130 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:45,520 arrows into screw holes into arrows into 131 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,980 whatever shapes those are. 132 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,180 Would you like some help in assembling your humidifier? 133 00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:55,030 Although I hesitate to take you up on your very kind offer. 134 00:11:57,210 --> 00:11:59,150 Begrudging. Thank you. 135 00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:07,570 So, we've established you are not an artist and you aren't a fan. 136 00:12:08,390 --> 00:12:10,870 And you may or may not be bisexual. 137 00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:13,190 Oh, which reminds me. 138 00:12:13,430 --> 00:12:16,250 There are recent editions on the Wikipedia. 139 00:12:17,710 --> 00:12:21,490 Quotes taken out of context. And one in context, but spoken. 140 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,710 while inebriated, and thus I can't be held accountable. 141 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,670 However, what I said was true. 142 00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:35,690 Over 75 % of enrollment in the art school is women. And my question was 143 00:12:35,690 --> 00:12:39,850 question, why then are women not in 75 % of museums? 144 00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:41,370 Laurie. 145 00:12:42,270 --> 00:12:44,290 You didn't say it was Laurie. 146 00:12:46,270 --> 00:12:52,310 On the subject of Laurie, what did the tell you about this job. 147 00:12:53,050 --> 00:12:54,050 They? 148 00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:59,570 My offspring, the Dud, Barnaby and the Harridan Sally. 149 00:13:00,090 --> 00:13:06,890 Yeah, they said you were hiring assistants to help catalogue some of 150 00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:10,730 things so they can be valued by the HMRC or something like that. 151 00:13:12,110 --> 00:13:17,370 And they recommended you Heidi, which is quite the work. I'm a bit suspicious. 152 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,920 I must be reminded not to carry things. 153 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,360 Oh. 154 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,060 That's according to my host, you know. 155 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:27,140 A smallish man named Cyril. 156 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:30,720 Interesting tidbit about Cyril. He smells of radishes. 157 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:33,260 Why? 158 00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:38,340 This isn't about the unfinished Christmas, is it? 159 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,920 So you must tell me. 160 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:46,500 Because I won't pick them. I can't pick them. And please don't ask. Please don't 161 00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:47,720 even speak of them. 162 00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:49,770 Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. 163 00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,750 Well, my children are obsessed with them, and I wouldn't have put it past 164 00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:55,150 if this had been somehow about that. 165 00:13:56,010 --> 00:13:59,150 Oh, they're not even clever, those two. They're reps. 166 00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:02,570 She, a train wreck, utterly off the rails. 167 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:09,390 And he, a shipwreck, sunken and waterlogged. Blame their mothers, not 168 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,390 nothing to do with them. 169 00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:17,570 I would not be surprised, Laurie, if this was not so that HMRC may quote... 170 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:23,840 assess the value of my state, but so that my children could get intel on 171 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,900 I was truly leaving them nothing. 172 00:14:26,420 --> 00:14:28,220 Ah, she is risen. 173 00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:32,880 My most dearest Esme, who is a gift from the heavens. 174 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:37,420 Well, I apparently have been mistaken for someone else. She is here at the 175 00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:41,600 insistence of Cyril the Ravish, who says I must be kinder to my joints. 176 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:44,960 It's all a faff, you know. 177 00:14:45,990 --> 00:14:51,150 HMRC adore me. I haven't paid taxes in a decade, but they've still got one of my 178 00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:54,030 garbage twelves in my lobby in Parliament Street. 179 00:14:55,030 --> 00:14:57,670 At last, here it is. 180 00:14:58,970 --> 00:15:03,250 A life to be summed up, itemised. 181 00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:05,650 Julian Scar, the spreadsheet. 182 00:15:05,890 --> 00:15:08,150 I don't even know what's up there in the room above us. 183 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:14,290 And the doors have been locked for decades and I shan't know even going 184 00:15:14,290 --> 00:15:15,830 should there be any forward left. 185 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:23,950 Yes, to the great displeasure of the buzzard Barnaby and the hyena 186 00:15:23,950 --> 00:15:30,590 Sally, I have outlived the actuarial prediction of even the direst of those 187 00:15:30,590 --> 00:15:32,170 foolish enough to ensure me. 188 00:15:34,050 --> 00:15:38,310 At one point that had been the goal to live forever and I should have liked to 189 00:15:38,310 --> 00:15:44,960 have... bequeathed that task in my art, but sadly my art, not unlike my talent, 190 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:50,840 departed this life long ago when apparently I was not paying attention. 191 00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:53,180 Excellent interview. 192 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:56,540 I'd like to worry about that. 193 00:15:56,860 --> 00:15:58,000 What about tomorrow? 194 00:15:58,220 --> 00:15:59,560 At the crack of noon. 195 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,320 Great. 196 00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:26,260 Well, 197 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,160 12 p .m. tomorrow. 198 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,480 Well, I have no idea. I don't know what it's like up there. I don't know if 199 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,480 they're open there. 200 00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,760 Well, I would need the keys for it first, wouldn't I? 201 00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:45,340 Well, I know. 202 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,800 Sally, I will call you when I know if he even has paintings. 203 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:59,960 Perhaps it's simply the reason my therapist chose early retirement number 204 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:00,960 seven. 205 00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:08,100 And next time I dare you to express yourself, why don't you nip down to 206 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:11,540 and get yourself a pencil and a notebook? 207 00:18:11,780 --> 00:18:12,960 It's a lot cheaper. 208 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:23,460 What I can't stand about painting is you paint from the heart, from the soul, 209 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:28,520 you give yourself to everything you can, you pour it onto the canvas, and then 210 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:33,240 some bloody agent comes along and takes 45%. Well, no more! 211 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,260 Well, they're quite a bargain. I do believe someone has walked away with a 212 00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,740 potentially £2 million painting for £1 ,100. 213 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,560 How do you feel about that? It would be a bargain of £2 million, but whatever 214 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,020 they pay, I'm happy with. Thank you. Well, they are all... 215 00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:49,370 Stunning. Thank you very much. Of course, the question on everyone's lips 216 00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:52,290 will the Christophers be making an appearance on the pavement today? 217 00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:55,190 The Christophers? 218 00:18:58,210 --> 00:19:02,470 No, they're indoors somewhere. They're private matters, private affairs. 219 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:46,450 Coming in. 220 00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:50,230 Do you mind me in my dressing gown? 221 00:19:52,790 --> 00:19:53,990 Actually, yeah, I do. 222 00:19:54,950 --> 00:19:55,950 Oh. 223 00:19:58,090 --> 00:19:59,090 Okay. 224 00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:07,890 Weinstein has ruined the room for the rest of us. 225 00:20:10,830 --> 00:20:12,230 You needn't have worried. 226 00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:14,800 I can't bear the sight of it open myself. 227 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,100 Even when I'm alone. 228 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:20,920 Oh. 229 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:24,800 Studio. 230 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:26,320 This way. 231 00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:32,340 The locksmith. We shall take the scenic route. 232 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:37,940 Yep. If he can't find a key for what's up there, he'll have to change out the 233 00:20:37,940 --> 00:20:39,180 whole third floor door lock. 234 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:40,640 Uh -huh. 235 00:20:40,860 --> 00:20:42,580 I'll get him to make you a... 236 00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:43,940 Copy as well? 237 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,340 But no copies for the kids. 238 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:49,980 However hard they beg. 239 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:55,160 Oh, now that was once an entire dinosaur. 240 00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:58,120 Only had room inside for three, as it happened. 241 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,760 The fact that Ringo found out the hard way. 242 00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:08,180 And, oh, not the Ringo you're thinking about. 243 00:21:09,940 --> 00:21:10,940 No. 244 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,620 This one was French. 245 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:14,760 Right. 246 00:21:16,140 --> 00:21:17,140 Yes. 247 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:18,800 So what is other? 248 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:24,600 Laurie, am I allowed to ask if she has a boyfriend? 249 00:21:25,340 --> 00:21:27,540 I mean, no. 250 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,080 No, she doesn't. 251 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:31,700 No, you're not allowed. 252 00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:35,220 Noted. 253 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,260 Why not, though? 254 00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:42,720 Well, firstly, we're at work. 255 00:21:43,940 --> 00:21:44,940 Nonsense. 256 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:49,540 It's not like we cease to be ourselves, simply by crossing some conceptual 257 00:21:49,540 --> 00:21:53,220 boundary. Here I am at work, and here I am at home, ask away. 258 00:21:53,460 --> 00:21:55,020 At work, oh, don't you dare. 259 00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:56,900 All yours. 260 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:04,160 You can't ask me in either place, because you are my employer, which means 261 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:05,440 hold the power. 262 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,320 And I shall use it to ask. 263 00:22:07,850 --> 00:22:09,070 If you have a partner. 264 00:22:10,190 --> 00:22:12,110 If you'll explain its relevance? 265 00:22:12,810 --> 00:22:14,930 The relevance is that I'm curious. 266 00:22:16,870 --> 00:22:20,190 And who wouldn't want to bring their life into their work? 267 00:22:20,930 --> 00:22:23,750 Unless, well... Right. 268 00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:26,570 Well, never mind. You said that you weren't an artist. 269 00:22:27,090 --> 00:22:30,550 Actually, you said that. Well, I swear that we had that conversation yesterday. 270 00:22:31,070 --> 00:22:33,690 Well, you know, they were speaking, if that's what you mean. 271 00:22:33,890 --> 00:22:35,710 Did I not ask questions? 272 00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,210 My children say that I don't ask questions. 273 00:22:40,650 --> 00:22:45,150 And actually, by definition, did I not ask questions is a question my children 274 00:22:45,150 --> 00:22:46,089 are idiots. 275 00:22:46,090 --> 00:22:48,310 I've no problem with questions, Laurie. 276 00:22:49,050 --> 00:22:51,230 It's the answers that I can't be bothered with. 277 00:22:52,990 --> 00:22:58,490 Now, you remember that I told you that you were never to speak of the 278 00:22:58,490 --> 00:22:59,490 Christophers. 279 00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:04,630 Well, apparently I lied. You are to speak of them once when you tell me that 280 00:23:04,630 --> 00:23:05,630 they are no more. 281 00:23:07,340 --> 00:23:08,340 No more? 282 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:13,660 The canvases are buried deep in the back of the third floor and you are to bring 283 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:16,060 them down here and shred them to bits. 284 00:23:18,140 --> 00:23:20,460 I'm to shred the Christophers? 285 00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:22,820 What are they not, Christophers? 286 00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:27,320 They are musings and ideas that could have been Christophers and you are to 287 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:31,180 obliterate them and destroy the stretchers and then bring me the 288 00:23:31,180 --> 00:23:33,720 because I shan't go near them myself. 289 00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:35,100 OK. 290 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,860 Would you like me to leave them here when they're shredded? 291 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:39,640 Yes. 292 00:23:40,740 --> 00:23:42,560 It's not that I don't trust you, Laurie. 293 00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:45,480 No. The box cutter. 294 00:23:47,860 --> 00:23:49,480 It's just that I don't trust you. 295 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:56,920 Ah, that'll be the locksmith and the facialist, whom I find to be nothing 296 00:23:56,920 --> 00:24:01,980 than a 90 -minute endurance test. However, it has to be demands that I am 297 00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:04,500 to my skin, so I shall brace myself. 298 00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:26,020 lockbox is sorted, spare front door key and third floor set to go with 299 00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:27,020 a new door lock. 300 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:49,080 I've changed my mind. 301 00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:50,460 They shall not be shredded. 302 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:53,240 OK, OK. 303 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,200 They shall be burned. 304 00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:00,140 All right, yeah, sure. I will sort it. 305 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:01,720 It is sorted. 306 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:09,160 We shall do it together, which is to say, you shall do it and I shall watch. 307 00:31:11,700 --> 00:31:13,860 It's a bit early for you, though, isn't it? 308 00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:15,600 Well, I have been up all night. 309 00:31:16,910 --> 00:31:20,370 And I shan't sleep until there are smouldering ash. 310 00:31:26,250 --> 00:31:27,250 Ash. 311 00:31:28,090 --> 00:31:29,950 I'm curious what kept you awake. 312 00:31:31,130 --> 00:31:34,230 Cascading memories of wrongs done to me since my childhood. 313 00:31:34,770 --> 00:31:36,990 They came as from a kinetoscope. 314 00:31:38,330 --> 00:31:42,850 Look it up. It's with a K. Now to the fire pit. 315 00:31:43,050 --> 00:31:45,590 Follow me or I shall burn them myself. 316 00:31:46,670 --> 00:31:49,510 Have you ever been betrayed, Laurie? 317 00:31:49,810 --> 00:31:50,810 Oh. 318 00:31:51,190 --> 00:31:53,770 I mean, hasn't everybody? 319 00:31:55,210 --> 00:31:57,590 Could be quite painful, can't it not? 320 00:31:58,430 --> 00:32:01,430 No matter what the relationship with the betrayer. 321 00:32:03,190 --> 00:32:06,090 And how were you betrayed, Laurie? 322 00:32:07,810 --> 00:32:12,730 I, uh, I once had a partner who left me. 323 00:32:13,090 --> 00:32:14,090 Oh, my. 324 00:32:14,510 --> 00:32:18,050 God, your generation does whine about everything. 325 00:32:18,890 --> 00:32:22,410 Left me for my other partner. 326 00:32:22,930 --> 00:32:25,090 You're still my beating heart. 327 00:32:27,230 --> 00:32:28,670 Was this a struggle? 328 00:32:29,610 --> 00:32:35,730 It was a consensual relationship between three adults, yeah. Oh, my, oh, my, oh, 329 00:32:35,730 --> 00:32:36,730 my. 330 00:32:37,230 --> 00:32:43,730 You know, I was once in a struggle, back when it was merely called infidelity. 331 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,740 No, never mind. 332 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,300 Right, you toss them on. 333 00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,520 Oh, you seem hesitant. 334 00:33:00,340 --> 00:33:04,540 Uh, yeah, I mean, they're Julian's class. 335 00:33:04,980 --> 00:33:05,980 Oh, please. 336 00:33:08,180 --> 00:33:13,870 May I... Ask what's going on. Oh, the great what's going on. Yes, what's going 337 00:33:13,870 --> 00:33:18,470 on? That is the question of the day. In the fire pit. 338 00:33:19,270 --> 00:33:20,310 Now, please. 339 00:33:37,950 --> 00:33:42,590 Right. And now we need the turpentine and matches, so crack on, Laurie. 340 00:33:43,930 --> 00:33:45,750 First, we have a little chat. 341 00:33:47,850 --> 00:33:50,470 Sit, if you would. 342 00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:02,550 And on the subject of what is going on, 343 00:34:04,150 --> 00:34:07,490 perhaps you'd like to tell me something. 344 00:34:08,710 --> 00:34:09,710 Why are you here? 345 00:34:12,090 --> 00:34:15,750 I mean, to pay my rent. 346 00:34:16,630 --> 00:34:19,389 And why did you seek and then take this job? 347 00:34:23,889 --> 00:34:29,830 You did tell me not to mention if I was an artist or a fan. 348 00:34:30,790 --> 00:34:35,250 But I thought maybe I'd learn something by being in your vicinity. 349 00:34:36,270 --> 00:34:37,270 Really? 350 00:34:39,150 --> 00:34:40,710 Learn what, exactly? 351 00:34:43,909 --> 00:34:50,530 Perhaps how a man, once a paradigm of progressive politics, 352 00:34:50,850 --> 00:34:55,969 could morph into the apotheosis of everything that is currently wrong with 353 00:34:55,969 --> 00:34:59,510 everything artistically and economically. 354 00:34:59,990 --> 00:35:06,370 Or how a bloated ego in yesterday's barrier could... 355 00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:12,420 squat on property unaffordable and hence uninhabitable for generations to come, 356 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:17,380 whose only outrage at so -called cancelled culture came once he had been 357 00:35:17,380 --> 00:35:18,940 justifiably cancelled himself. 358 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,620 Justifiably, says his future assistant. 359 00:35:25,580 --> 00:35:28,080 On January the 3rd, 2022. 360 00:35:31,660 --> 00:35:34,840 And she goes on, obloviating. 361 00:35:35,630 --> 00:35:39,750 She says, in the voice of the very thing, not just his work, but his entire 362 00:35:39,750 --> 00:35:46,330 being so vociferously railed against during his once impressive ascension 363 00:35:46,330 --> 00:35:51,310 preceded the artistic immolation and subsequent crash and burn into the 364 00:35:51,310 --> 00:35:58,030 junk heap of irrelevance reserved for those who have exploded our culture 365 00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,910 and imploded their legacy. 366 00:36:02,650 --> 00:36:04,810 And will his work even? 367 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:11,520 Last or will it go the way of the lava lamp and the letters shoot and if it 368 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,880 doesn't shouldn't it 369 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:23,520 Never 370 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:33,760 underestimate 371 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:40,460 internet prowess of a man who spent decades googling himself. 372 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,320 So why are you here? 373 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:56,300 I was hired by Barnaby and Sally to complete the unfinished Christopher's. 374 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:02,540 Really? Yeah. 375 00:37:06,020 --> 00:37:07,020 Why? 376 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,980 So they could have something from you, I guess. 377 00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:12,640 When you die. 378 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:16,980 You mean to sell? 379 00:37:17,340 --> 00:37:19,580 Yeah. Just to sell? 380 00:37:21,420 --> 00:37:28,200 So the idea would be... I would 381 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:32,400 return them to the third floor, where they would sit. 382 00:37:33,740 --> 00:37:34,900 Until I died. 383 00:37:39,740 --> 00:37:41,480 Yeah. And you know them, huh? 384 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:47,080 Sally and I met in art school. 385 00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:51,180 She went by a different last name, but we all knew. 386 00:37:52,620 --> 00:37:55,620 Well, the school knew. She would never have got in on her talent. 387 00:37:56,740 --> 00:38:00,560 She said that she and her brother had a job for me. 388 00:38:02,670 --> 00:38:08,050 Well, it's the smartest thing they've thought of in decades. I'll give them 389 00:38:08,050 --> 00:38:09,130 that. And you're cut. 390 00:38:12,510 --> 00:38:13,510 A third. 391 00:38:15,030 --> 00:38:18,070 And what makes you think that you could do it? 392 00:38:19,670 --> 00:38:22,190 Well, they said that you were never up there. 393 00:38:23,730 --> 00:38:24,730 No. 394 00:38:25,430 --> 00:38:28,050 What makes you think you could actually do it? Do it! 395 00:38:30,290 --> 00:38:32,350 Well, the original brushes are... 396 00:38:32,570 --> 00:38:33,570 All up there. 397 00:38:34,050 --> 00:38:39,190 The paints, the palette knives, the linseed, the rags. 398 00:38:40,070 --> 00:38:44,430 Those Kendall plushes have been dead stock for decades. The microfibres alone 399 00:38:44,430 --> 00:38:45,650 would fit huge. 400 00:38:46,070 --> 00:38:49,830 Well, you must know that your very premise that it is the correct equipment 401 00:38:49,830 --> 00:38:51,870 which makes the work the work is. 402 00:38:52,430 --> 00:38:53,430 Bollocks. 403 00:38:55,390 --> 00:38:57,890 I guess that's where the art of it comes in. 404 00:39:03,150 --> 00:39:07,630 That's the part I am most interested in, I guess. 405 00:39:07,950 --> 00:39:09,470 The art of what? 406 00:39:11,710 --> 00:39:13,270 Becoming someone else. 407 00:39:14,010 --> 00:39:15,430 Oh, poor. 408 00:39:17,810 --> 00:39:20,970 Get yourself your own mindset, Laurie Butler. 409 00:39:21,210 --> 00:39:23,990 You inhabit that. You don't squat in mine. 410 00:39:24,810 --> 00:39:26,190 It takes guts. 411 00:39:27,210 --> 00:39:32,270 It takes blood. It took my blood, and don't you think you can bleed for me? 412 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:38,020 Oh, and it seems that you're not the only person in this room who wishes that 413 00:39:38,020 --> 00:39:40,200 you were someone else. 414 00:39:40,420 --> 00:39:41,178 I understand. 415 00:39:41,180 --> 00:39:42,138 I'm going to go. 416 00:39:42,140 --> 00:39:46,640 You are in my home. You have lied to me. You have betrayed me. 417 00:39:48,240 --> 00:39:52,340 And you are, at least for the time being, still in my employment. So do an 418 00:39:52,340 --> 00:39:59,000 obloviating, bloated ego a kindness and grab a stretched blank 419 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:00,040 canvas from upstairs. 420 00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:02,500 Any size. 421 00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:04,700 You've seen yourself through a dozen. 422 00:40:06,580 --> 00:40:07,580 Why? 423 00:40:08,340 --> 00:40:12,520 Because I want a question for you, and believe me, I should pay particular 424 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:16,820 attention to your answer, and after that, by all means, you are free to 425 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,600 I'm there. 426 00:40:50,340 --> 00:40:51,520 My question. 427 00:40:54,140 --> 00:40:56,900 You say you can paint in my style. 428 00:41:00,620 --> 00:41:01,620 Do it. 429 00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:06,480 That's not a question. 430 00:41:08,500 --> 00:41:11,340 Will you paint what you believe I would paint? 431 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:19,340 Were I whoever you think I was, whenever you think I was, whatever you think I 432 00:41:19,340 --> 00:41:20,340 was? 433 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:26,580 No. No, because you can't! 434 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:35,420 Case closed. I'm not going to do this. 435 00:41:35,820 --> 00:41:37,540 Thank you for the joke, and I'm sorry. 436 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:44,740 How would you know how I would have painted them when even I 437 00:41:44,740 --> 00:41:49,160 don't know how I would have painted them? 438 00:41:51,240 --> 00:41:53,520 Ashley, I'm truly sorry. 439 00:42:06,830 --> 00:42:12,250 The first Christopher series, 1994 and 95, have a very distinct trajectory, in 440 00:42:12,250 --> 00:42:12,948 my mind. 441 00:42:12,950 --> 00:42:15,610 The marks on number one are tentative. 442 00:42:15,970 --> 00:42:21,110 There's a delicacy verging on a kind of inadvertent pointillism, at least in the 443 00:42:21,110 --> 00:42:24,010 undercoat. The colours warm with each successive layer. 444 00:42:24,490 --> 00:42:29,230 The bottoms are all Prussian blues, cherry reds, but as the layers rise, the 445 00:42:29,230 --> 00:42:30,230 reds get rustier. 446 00:42:30,630 --> 00:42:35,590 You even used ochre, a shade you told David Sylvester was sentimental slop. 447 00:42:36,490 --> 00:42:39,970 In the third and fourth, the light got denser and the oil thickened. 448 00:42:40,370 --> 00:42:43,470 There was a liftedness, almost like you were dancing. 449 00:42:44,230 --> 00:42:48,350 The paint was literally coming off the canvas and there was more light around 450 00:42:48,350 --> 00:42:52,850 his face as his look moved more and more to the centre, towards his creator. 451 00:42:54,890 --> 00:42:55,970 What are you saying? 452 00:42:57,350 --> 00:43:00,710 You were falling in love and for the first time you were free. 453 00:43:01,490 --> 00:43:04,470 I believe you came out then, at least publicly. 454 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:09,960 But in the second series, 1997 -98, it shifted. 455 00:43:10,500 --> 00:43:13,960 By the fifth in series two, you can see the hesitation in the line. 456 00:43:14,420 --> 00:43:16,220 The pressure becomes uneven. 457 00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:20,380 Heavy darks start to appear up top, patches of blank. 458 00:43:20,820 --> 00:43:25,220 And Christopher's gaze drifts further and further off the canvas again. 459 00:43:25,580 --> 00:43:27,140 And you started retouching. 460 00:43:27,540 --> 00:43:28,640 Sometimes eight layers. 461 00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:32,620 Ten. Like you were trying to grasp an image that wasn't there. 462 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:37,560 Number six looks like it was restarted 12, 13 times and by eight there's a 463 00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:38,560 wooden quality. 464 00:43:38,940 --> 00:43:41,740 Almost as if you were painting by rote. 465 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:45,920 And the blanks spread like they were metastasising. 466 00:43:46,340 --> 00:43:51,880 Thomas McEverly said they had a joyful, lightness -spirited lyricism. 467 00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:53,180 McEverly was wrong. 468 00:43:53,500 --> 00:43:56,700 Graham Dixon was wrong. Maria Vesey was wrong. 469 00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:00,440 The lightness was forced and the joy was a lie. 470 00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:04,460 It was obvious in the seventh, and by the eighth, it was glaring. 471 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:06,000 It was over. 472 00:44:07,820 --> 00:44:09,660 It wasn't very good, that last one. 473 00:44:09,940 --> 00:44:16,680 No, it isn't. Some sap in Chicago paid two mil for it during COVID, I heard. 474 00:44:16,980 --> 00:44:17,980 Yeah. 475 00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:19,520 Well. 476 00:44:20,680 --> 00:44:22,940 Hence... Here we are. 477 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:25,940 Here we are, then. 478 00:44:28,220 --> 00:44:29,220 Grade robbers. 479 00:44:29,930 --> 00:44:34,870 crawling through the mud to exhume the trinket from some already rotted coffin. 480 00:44:38,370 --> 00:44:45,090 And this third series, am I, sorry, I, to have painted 481 00:44:45,090 --> 00:44:46,250 them recently, or? 482 00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:48,790 Back then was the thought. 483 00:44:49,710 --> 00:44:51,990 Of course, when they were actually worth something. 484 00:44:52,650 --> 00:44:56,230 And then I'm to have buried them up there. 485 00:44:57,570 --> 00:45:00,230 Didn't want him seen would be the story, I guess. 486 00:45:02,290 --> 00:45:03,290 Painful. 487 00:45:03,990 --> 00:45:04,990 Something like that. 488 00:45:05,270 --> 00:45:06,910 Yes, the breakup was hard. 489 00:45:08,190 --> 00:45:11,470 It wasn't. I'd done with him. 490 00:45:11,670 --> 00:45:12,670 Sure. 491 00:45:13,330 --> 00:45:14,330 I had. 492 00:45:14,510 --> 00:45:15,510 Fine. 493 00:45:19,850 --> 00:45:22,770 I must say, I found your prep impressive. 494 00:45:23,290 --> 00:45:24,370 I've got to give you that. 495 00:45:24,690 --> 00:45:25,690 There was no prep. 496 00:45:32,270 --> 00:45:35,310 That could be some bloody package I've forgotten I've ordered. 497 00:45:35,870 --> 00:45:37,750 Oh, they're so impressive, Thomas. 498 00:45:38,670 --> 00:45:41,030 Oh, Wallace. 499 00:45:41,990 --> 00:45:43,170 It's part of it. 500 00:45:43,950 --> 00:45:46,670 Unless... Oh, Christ. 501 00:45:47,570 --> 00:45:48,830 It's Sally, too. 502 00:45:49,390 --> 00:45:52,530 Oh. Oh, fuck me, it's both of them. 503 00:45:53,530 --> 00:45:54,530 Hello! 504 00:45:56,570 --> 00:45:57,570 Hello! 505 00:45:59,210 --> 00:46:00,990 Buster, don't look. Buster. 506 00:46:03,690 --> 00:46:04,689 Hi, Dad. 507 00:46:04,690 --> 00:46:07,210 I know what you said, but may we come in, please? 508 00:46:08,490 --> 00:46:10,990 Why? We need to speak to your assistant. 509 00:46:11,410 --> 00:46:13,390 Oh, I forgot what her name is. 510 00:46:13,590 --> 00:46:15,770 Do you know? I can't recall either. 511 00:46:18,730 --> 00:46:19,730 Barney, any ideas? 512 00:46:21,310 --> 00:46:22,410 Lisa, maybe? 513 00:46:22,990 --> 00:46:24,630 Yes, Lisa, maybe. 514 00:46:26,270 --> 00:46:27,270 Why? 515 00:46:27,610 --> 00:46:31,030 We just got a form that she urgently needs to fill out. 516 00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:32,330 Tax -related? 517 00:46:32,370 --> 00:46:33,370 Very. 518 00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:34,860 They're very tax -related. 519 00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:40,820 Yeah, we've been trying to call her, but she's not been picking up, so... So, is 520 00:46:40,820 --> 00:46:41,820 she here? 521 00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:45,680 Yes, this baby is here, so do come in. 522 00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:50,100 As there's something I need to speak with you about as well. 523 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:53,360 The cryptopoops. 524 00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:59,120 The... Sorry, Dad, which are those? 525 00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:01,940 Oh, have I got the name wrong? 526 00:47:02,220 --> 00:47:05,540 Oh, my gosh. I mean, you've painted so many. Christopher? 527 00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:10,160 Christopher? Why am I so fixated on that name, then? 528 00:47:11,420 --> 00:47:15,520 Which was the one... Perhaps you can recall this. Which was the one that you 529 00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:20,780 took a whack at at some point last year, accidentally thinking that it was not, 530 00:47:20,820 --> 00:47:24,300 in fact, an egregious act of dishonesty and betrayal? 531 00:47:24,940 --> 00:47:26,280 Oh, right, yes, those. 532 00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:30,980 Dad, what about them? Well, I have asked Lisa, maybe, to destroy them. 533 00:47:33,420 --> 00:47:34,420 Wait, why? 534 00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:35,600 She can't, Dad. 535 00:47:35,900 --> 00:47:36,960 Oh, I already have. 536 00:47:37,540 --> 00:47:38,640 What the fuck, Laurie? 537 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:40,280 Yes, that's her name, Laurie. 538 00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:42,500 And she has been... Shredded. 539 00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:47,480 She's shredded them. Fuck off. Bullshit. Even he knows you're bullshitting. 540 00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:48,640 Yeah, where are they, then? 541 00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:49,680 Hang on. 542 00:47:56,940 --> 00:47:58,400 Dad, you can't. 543 00:47:59,820 --> 00:48:01,700 Well, apparently I did. 544 00:48:02,100 --> 00:48:03,100 But they're not yours. 545 00:48:05,170 --> 00:48:09,530 Meaning that they are the world. The world of art. 546 00:48:10,010 --> 00:48:11,110 But not, of course, yours. 547 00:48:11,570 --> 00:48:13,830 No, no. Further things from our mind. 548 00:48:14,750 --> 00:48:19,310 Well, you should get out and give them to the world. 549 00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:21,690 And to do that, you should get out now. 550 00:48:22,210 --> 00:48:23,710 And get started. 551 00:48:24,070 --> 00:48:27,630 You stupid, stupid man. Get out of my house now. 552 00:48:30,350 --> 00:48:34,840 Great. Now, you've shredded each other, so I hope you feel very good about it. 553 00:48:35,620 --> 00:48:36,620 Shredded each other? 554 00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:40,640 What does that mean? 555 00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:42,440 Nothing. 556 00:48:43,980 --> 00:48:44,980 Nothing? 557 00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:46,680 Nothing. 558 00:48:48,420 --> 00:48:49,420 And these? 559 00:48:50,540 --> 00:48:51,540 What are these? 560 00:48:52,820 --> 00:48:56,900 These are fakes, which I shredded. 561 00:48:58,160 --> 00:48:59,200 The real ones. 562 00:48:59,950 --> 00:49:04,430 The ones you were about to incinerate are outside in the fire pit. 563 00:49:07,170 --> 00:49:08,170 Right. 564 00:49:09,930 --> 00:49:10,930 So? 565 00:49:12,010 --> 00:49:13,810 So, let's go. 566 00:49:18,750 --> 00:49:24,750 As you are still, for the moment, my employee, I'm ordering you to come out 567 00:49:24,750 --> 00:49:27,190 the fire pit and burn them. 568 00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:31,700 Well, as your employees now quit, I wish you good luck with that. 569 00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:34,760 I'll go and do it myself then. 570 00:49:36,540 --> 00:49:37,880 Really? Really. 571 00:49:40,520 --> 00:49:41,520 Crack on then. 572 00:49:57,450 --> 00:49:58,490 How's the bonfire going? 573 00:50:02,090 --> 00:50:03,350 What did you mean? 574 00:50:04,470 --> 00:50:06,630 I'd imploded my legacy. 575 00:50:10,290 --> 00:50:16,350 If you was to ask my cousin who Julian Squire is, he would say the guy that 576 00:50:16,350 --> 00:50:19,690 yelled at kids and housewives on Art Fight. 577 00:50:21,510 --> 00:50:25,770 Well, they got off easy. 578 00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:28,920 I was the one being tortured. 579 00:50:29,180 --> 00:50:31,840 I was waterboarded by a deluge of kittens. 580 00:50:32,100 --> 00:50:39,080 I eat one more hideously adorable than the next, all popping at yarn in 581 00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:42,400 a criddly watercolour, watercolour line. 582 00:50:42,940 --> 00:50:43,940 What? 583 00:50:47,380 --> 00:50:48,700 No, I did them a favour. 584 00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:51,640 Did you? 585 00:50:53,020 --> 00:50:54,020 Yes. 586 00:50:54,740 --> 00:50:55,960 I saved them. 587 00:50:56,490 --> 00:51:02,910 From a lifetime of heartache and rejection and grasping at something that 588 00:51:02,910 --> 00:51:08,410 would never achieve and, worse, clawing back at something that they would never 589 00:51:08,410 --> 00:51:13,990 recapture because success, Laurie, is worse. 590 00:51:16,310 --> 00:51:17,310 OK. 591 00:51:17,970 --> 00:51:22,610 OK. Let's... Let's stop this, sir. 592 00:51:24,750 --> 00:51:25,729 What are you doing? 593 00:51:25,730 --> 00:51:26,730 You're not going to burn these. 594 00:51:27,050 --> 00:51:29,390 What? I most certainly am. 595 00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:35,610 There is a reason you've kept them for 25 years. 596 00:51:36,570 --> 00:51:39,830 If you really didn't want them, you would have sold them for shit at your 597 00:51:39,830 --> 00:51:40,830 jumble sale. 598 00:51:41,010 --> 00:51:42,950 Oh, my sidewalk seller. 599 00:51:43,170 --> 00:51:48,850 That was a bugger off to an industry who needed someone to say it to them. It 600 00:51:48,850 --> 00:51:53,230 was a move that gave you cover to pretend it was you who was in control of 601 00:51:53,230 --> 00:51:54,230 downfall. 602 00:51:58,860 --> 00:52:03,040 No, I'd done with them, Laurie. Because they were done with you. It was a 603 00:52:03,040 --> 00:52:07,040 corrupt industry in a corrupt world. 604 00:52:08,620 --> 00:52:15,520 Investments and tax shelters and trophies for the billionaire boys' club. 605 00:52:15,700 --> 00:52:17,820 So, I left. 606 00:52:18,780 --> 00:52:19,980 No, you mean you quit. 607 00:52:20,260 --> 00:52:23,680 No, I left. You gave in. I left on my own terms. 608 00:52:24,520 --> 00:52:28,060 And how do you know if it's even art now, any time? 609 00:52:28,620 --> 00:52:29,620 It's all online. 610 00:52:31,060 --> 00:52:35,460 Oh, you get nothing when you stare at something through a screen. 611 00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:43,300 You know, I get yelled at now from passing cars. 612 00:52:44,220 --> 00:52:45,680 They call me a hack. 613 00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:46,940 A pity. 614 00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:48,860 Offended, somehow. 615 00:52:50,140 --> 00:52:52,560 We've got some sort of personal relationship. 616 00:52:53,100 --> 00:52:55,060 You don't think it's a personal relationship? 617 00:52:58,980 --> 00:52:59,980 Art? No. 618 00:53:01,280 --> 00:53:03,580 It's a man, alone in his room. 619 00:53:04,660 --> 00:53:05,680 Me in this room. 620 00:53:08,080 --> 00:53:11,760 I have a relationship with the canvas. 621 00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:16,360 And when I've said what I've got to say to it, then it goes. 622 00:53:16,660 --> 00:53:17,940 Where do you think it goes? 623 00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:21,920 Do what you want. 624 00:53:22,020 --> 00:53:23,820 You can take them out, you can burn them again. 625 00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:25,080 Don't leave me. 626 00:53:32,040 --> 00:53:37,980 Why did you even care? And you were so limited with me 627 00:53:37,980 --> 00:53:40,340 and those writings. 628 00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:43,440 Why? 629 00:53:49,140 --> 00:53:50,320 I was 12. 630 00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:52,880 It was pissing down rain. 631 00:53:53,260 --> 00:53:58,560 I ditched school and snuck into what happened to be a museum. 632 00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:00,800 Yes? 633 00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:02,340 Yes, what show? 634 00:54:03,520 --> 00:54:07,820 It was the one with the famous artist's work from when they were kids. 635 00:54:08,740 --> 00:54:10,660 You saw Enfant Terrible? 636 00:54:11,620 --> 00:54:15,000 There was one you'd done my age that was the easiest to copy. 637 00:54:15,860 --> 00:54:20,320 By which you mean it was the one that hit you most profoundly in your soul? 638 00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:25,020 By which I mean it was literally called Anyone Can Do This and Call It Art. 639 00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:28,040 Mrs Hanley. 640 00:54:30,400 --> 00:54:31,860 She failed me for that. 641 00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:35,640 Oh, this is nothing but a spiral of words, Julian. 642 00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:41,960 You have desecrated the canvas with everything that the assignment is not, 643 00:54:41,960 --> 00:54:46,640 said, yes, because it's more interesting. 644 00:54:49,560 --> 00:54:56,420 You know, the second piece of yours was a drawing from when you were six. 645 00:54:58,200 --> 00:55:00,380 Boy and a Cloud? Boy and a Cloud. 646 00:55:00,980 --> 00:55:05,440 And using the excretion of Maudlin Cheek for that title. 647 00:55:06,420 --> 00:55:07,440 You were six. 648 00:55:09,180 --> 00:55:12,560 And did you find that easy to copy as well? 649 00:55:14,920 --> 00:55:15,920 Not at 12. 650 00:55:16,380 --> 00:55:17,380 Mm -mm. 651 00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:22,540 You were... lookable. 652 00:55:24,500 --> 00:55:25,500 But... 653 00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:30,560 I quit, is that what you're saying? 654 00:55:33,540 --> 00:55:36,560 Please, God, don't feel sorry for me. 655 00:55:37,580 --> 00:55:42,700 To be honest, I'd rather have your rage than your pity, and I should excuse me. 656 00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:48,960 I need to pay for tonight's meal. 657 00:55:51,660 --> 00:55:54,800 You're a quitter yourself, you know, Laurie. 658 00:55:56,540 --> 00:55:59,720 No one goes to art school to become a restorer or a critic. 659 00:56:02,260 --> 00:56:04,100 I came in early this morning. 660 00:56:04,540 --> 00:56:06,160 Yeah. Really? 661 00:56:06,900 --> 00:56:07,900 Yeah. 662 00:56:08,860 --> 00:56:10,760 4, 5am? 663 00:56:12,340 --> 00:56:13,340 Mm -hm. 664 00:56:13,700 --> 00:56:18,600 Well, I'm sorry if such industrious assistantism was wasted on what turned 665 00:56:18,600 --> 00:56:22,120 to be an errant, if dramatic, misfire. 666 00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:25,380 Well, it told me... Excuse me! 667 00:56:39,630 --> 00:56:40,630 Good morning, Mario. 668 00:56:42,010 --> 00:56:48,550 Now, you told me that you want me to paint something appropriately romantic 669 00:56:48,550 --> 00:56:55,170 for your fiancée, and I presume I appropriately 670 00:56:55,170 --> 00:56:58,690 that you want me to paint it in vanishing ink. 671 00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:59,080 Laurie! Oh, my God, what? 672 00:57:59,620 --> 00:58:02,200 I am not going back there. 673 00:58:02,440 --> 00:58:03,439 But you have to. 674 00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:06,640 Because? Because you need to start them from scratch. 675 00:58:06,900 --> 00:58:10,700 You've still got old canvases and paints and brushes up there. 676 00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,880 Yeah, that's not going to happen. 677 00:58:14,540 --> 00:58:16,660 Well, we think it is. 678 00:58:21,880 --> 00:58:22,980 Here's the door, Clannan. 679 00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:24,840 1927. 680 00:58:25,900 --> 00:58:29,940 Sold for £25 ,000 in that Kent art house in 2017. 681 00:58:30,380 --> 00:58:33,940 Split between that corrupt gallerist and the person opposite me. 682 00:58:34,980 --> 00:58:37,480 Maybe you shouldn't write angry notes to exes. 683 00:58:38,140 --> 00:58:41,420 Especially those who still speak to other old college friends of yours. 684 00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:43,980 Sometimes people say things. 685 00:58:44,300 --> 00:58:48,280 I'm curious if the person who paid the £25 ,000 might be interested in knowing 686 00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:49,280 it's a fake. 687 00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,060 Well, when you find out, let me know. 688 00:58:54,920 --> 00:58:56,260 I don't think you want to challenge this. 689 00:58:56,540 --> 00:58:57,780 Yeah, but you may need to. 690 00:58:58,540 --> 00:59:02,620 Because you know, and I know, that no one benefits from that being exposed. 691 00:59:02,840 --> 00:59:06,580 Not the gallery, not the artist, and certainly not the person that bought it. 692 00:59:07,720 --> 00:59:10,040 Was that a confession we just heard? No. 693 00:59:11,260 --> 00:59:12,260 But this is. 694 00:59:13,660 --> 00:59:15,480 I forged that painting. 695 00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:18,540 And I forged Attlee's in between. 696 00:59:19,180 --> 00:59:21,900 And I forged Panagatanga's six shapes in red. 697 00:59:23,020 --> 00:59:25,820 All of that was a long time ago. 698 00:59:27,300 --> 00:59:29,260 So you'll do what we say, then? 699 00:59:29,580 --> 00:59:30,580 No. 700 00:59:31,080 --> 00:59:34,640 Well, then perhaps we'll see you in court. 701 00:59:34,900 --> 00:59:38,940 Yeah, because perhaps, Laurie, we've been recording this. 702 00:59:42,020 --> 00:59:48,100 And does that include your fraud bit before my confession and your blackmail 703 00:59:48,100 --> 00:59:50,780 after? Because you'd need both for context. 704 00:59:51,160 --> 00:59:52,320 We'll give you £10 ,000. 705 00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:53,859 In advance. 706 00:59:53,860 --> 00:59:55,260 Wow. But no. 707 00:59:55,540 --> 00:59:57,000 15. No. 708 00:59:57,240 --> 00:59:58,240 Oh, come on, mate. 709 00:59:58,360 --> 00:59:59,720 20. 20 grand, OK? 710 01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,680 But that's it. We can't go higher than that. 711 01:00:02,540 --> 01:00:03,840 Do you even have this money? 712 01:00:04,460 --> 01:00:05,460 Yeah. 713 01:00:06,500 --> 01:00:07,540 Really? Yeah. 714 01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:11,140 How? Because. 715 01:00:12,520 --> 01:00:13,560 It doesn't matter. 716 01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:17,000 200 ,000. 717 01:00:18,420 --> 01:00:19,420 Pounds! 718 01:00:20,930 --> 01:00:23,930 We haven't got that sort of money. The number's 200. 719 01:00:24,470 --> 01:00:26,730 I love you, Laurie, but this is piggish. 720 01:00:27,270 --> 01:00:30,750 200 ,000. You are being a cunty pig cunt. 721 01:00:31,390 --> 01:00:35,510 200 ,000. £21 ,400, right? Please accept this. 722 01:00:35,830 --> 01:00:39,430 That's all the money we have. Please, please, Laurie, please. It's really, 723 01:00:39,530 --> 01:00:40,530 really important. 724 01:00:43,730 --> 01:00:44,810 Oh, my God. 725 01:00:46,490 --> 01:00:47,890 You've sold them already. 726 01:00:50,600 --> 01:00:51,720 What? No. 727 01:00:53,560 --> 01:00:56,660 This is, um... Fabulous. 728 01:00:57,440 --> 01:01:03,280 The answer is no, and definitely not for 21 ,000 quid. He's dying, Laurie. 729 01:01:04,380 --> 01:01:05,960 It's called a plastic anemia. 730 01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:09,160 Katie's been refusing treatment for years. 731 01:01:09,700 --> 01:01:11,080 Our time is running out. 732 01:01:12,240 --> 01:01:13,240 Everyone's is. 733 01:01:14,360 --> 01:01:18,220 The answer is even more no. 734 01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:25,460 You forget something? 735 01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:30,560 Can you close the door? I believe your dignity is along there and you'll find 736 01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:31,960 your pride upstairs somewhere. 737 01:01:32,300 --> 01:01:33,300 Close the door. 738 01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:42,460 I've just googled a rare blood disease called a plastic anemia. 739 01:01:42,980 --> 01:01:44,820 Ah, yes. 740 01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:51,540 Well, much to the impending dismay of the heirs abhorrent. 741 01:01:51,980 --> 01:01:55,660 A genius instructor that has re -ionized my stem cells. 742 01:01:56,520 --> 01:01:59,420 And that's like everything else that used to be inside me. 743 01:02:00,560 --> 01:02:01,800 It's amounted to nothing. 744 01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:09,280 The only thing dying, I'm afraid, is the dream of Lord and Lady Boucher. 745 01:02:10,140 --> 01:02:11,540 Well, they've sold them already. 746 01:02:14,200 --> 01:02:16,040 Sold? The Christophers. 747 01:02:16,640 --> 01:02:19,560 They took a down payment of a million quid last year. 748 01:02:23,340 --> 01:02:26,660 That's why Sally tried to do it herself. 749 01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:31,100 Oh, how glorious it is. 750 01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:34,400 Well, 751 01:02:34,740 --> 01:02:40,380 for what it's worth, of that, they only have 21 ,000 quid left. 752 01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:42,300 I'm surprised they've got anything. 753 01:02:43,360 --> 01:02:44,500 How many paintings? 754 01:02:45,060 --> 01:02:46,060 All nine. 755 01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:48,340 Even Sally's. Oh, yes. 756 01:02:49,220 --> 01:02:50,220 To a fan. 757 01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:56,580 To a 28 -year -old tech bro who's going to donate them for the tax credit. 758 01:02:56,860 --> 01:02:58,400 Oh, to the Royal Academy. 759 01:02:58,820 --> 01:02:59,940 Well, at least. 760 01:03:01,580 --> 01:03:02,580 Maybe. 761 01:03:03,220 --> 01:03:08,680 To a place called Museum of the Desert, just outside of Las Vegas. 762 01:03:08,940 --> 01:03:09,940 Oh. 763 01:03:10,500 --> 01:03:14,460 And this tech bro doesn't even know who I am or what. 764 01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:17,220 I'm told after some Googling. 765 01:03:18,170 --> 01:03:25,170 And I assume my children want you to resume your task of seeking 766 01:03:25,170 --> 01:03:26,370 these somehow. 767 01:03:27,170 --> 01:03:29,650 Same plan. New old canvases. 768 01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:37,130 I think I should do it. 769 01:03:39,630 --> 01:03:41,450 You paint them. 770 01:03:43,630 --> 01:03:44,630 Yeah. 771 01:03:45,850 --> 01:03:47,150 Paint them? 772 01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:49,560 But very, very badly. 773 01:03:51,620 --> 01:03:52,220 Imagine 774 01:03:52,220 --> 01:04:00,140 the 775 01:04:00,140 --> 01:04:02,880 look on the tech bro's face when he sees what he's bought. 776 01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:07,460 Oh, it's almost worth staying alive for. 777 01:04:09,040 --> 01:04:14,420 And I shall be alongside you for the entire time as your assistant. 778 01:04:15,740 --> 01:04:16,740 You going to... 779 01:04:16,910 --> 01:04:17,910 Be my assistant. 780 01:04:17,970 --> 01:04:19,470 Yes, and I'll be a very good one too. 781 01:04:19,770 --> 01:04:23,250 Now, my first task is to assist you in getting paid. 782 01:04:23,570 --> 01:04:30,310 And there's an art shop on Bronson Street, which is quite dreadful. 783 01:04:30,310 --> 01:04:35,610 on this particular occasion, I shall be able to help you in person, as I'm not 784 01:04:35,610 --> 01:04:41,370 allowed in, due to a thin -skinned proprietor and an overreaction to a 785 01:04:41,370 --> 01:04:42,590 statement of fact. 786 01:04:43,230 --> 01:04:44,230 Okay. 787 01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:49,820 I'll get this one then. All right, and while you're out, shall I rustle us up 788 01:04:49,820 --> 01:04:52,060 something? A little omelette? 789 01:04:53,960 --> 01:04:56,540 You're going to make me an omelette? 790 01:04:57,540 --> 01:04:59,040 Don't sound so surprised. 791 01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:01,820 All right, then I'll have a cheese omelette. Cheese omelette? 792 01:05:03,420 --> 01:05:04,740 That's an omelette with cheese? 793 01:05:05,780 --> 01:05:06,780 Yeah. 794 01:05:08,040 --> 01:05:11,580 Actually, how do you introduce the cheese into the omelette? 795 01:05:12,870 --> 01:05:14,650 I'm just going to pick something up for us, yeah? 796 01:05:16,090 --> 01:05:17,150 Excellent tea, Mark. 797 01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:53,780 I thought you might enjoy this as a kind of inspiration piece. 798 01:05:55,160 --> 01:06:01,960 Is that Sally? Yes, I keep it in her old room to ward off future visits. It's 799 01:06:01,960 --> 01:06:05,620 affixed to the wall along with garlic and a wooden cross. 800 01:06:06,300 --> 01:06:09,400 That's crazy. She's actually improved since art school. 801 01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:16,720 Yes. Well, that's another first. An instance of where a child of 802 01:06:16,720 --> 01:06:18,140 mine has actually 803 01:06:19,040 --> 01:06:20,040 Inspired me. 804 01:06:21,380 --> 01:06:24,540 Right, and this shall be your metric. 805 01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,160 Can you top it? 806 01:06:26,560 --> 01:06:30,640 By which, of course, I mean, can you go under it? This is fun. 807 01:06:31,380 --> 01:06:34,600 It's this thing. Oh, this is delicious, Roy. 808 01:06:37,640 --> 01:06:42,340 Consider me poor but happy. 809 01:06:42,740 --> 01:06:43,740 Okay. 810 01:06:50,000 --> 01:06:51,040 This was to be his. 811 01:06:53,840 --> 01:06:55,060 Well, it ought to be his. 812 01:06:55,880 --> 01:06:56,980 As a matter of fact. 813 01:06:58,140 --> 01:06:59,140 His? 814 01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:00,480 Christopher's? 815 01:07:01,260 --> 01:07:04,340 Oh, was I a blustering fool? 816 01:07:06,340 --> 01:07:08,180 Messages on the answer, Miss Juno. 817 01:07:09,200 --> 01:07:10,660 Gifts, gifts, gifts. 818 01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:16,300 Let me paint you one more time, Telfer, and all this shall be yours. 819 01:07:16,900 --> 01:07:17,900 Nothing. 820 01:07:23,020 --> 01:07:24,940 Actually, let's start with a different one. 821 01:07:25,560 --> 01:07:28,740 I made him. I literally created him. 822 01:07:30,120 --> 01:07:32,120 It was the boy who did my stretches. 823 01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:37,480 I gave him his life, his fame. Everyone knew who Christopher was. He was invited 824 01:07:37,480 --> 01:07:39,500 everywhere, and then one day... 825 01:07:39,500 --> 01:07:46,340 He 826 01:07:46,340 --> 01:07:47,340 never came back. 827 01:07:50,350 --> 01:07:54,190 I actually did want him to have them, even after all of the mess. I should 828 01:07:54,190 --> 01:07:56,670 liked to have lasted in his mind. 829 01:07:57,910 --> 01:07:59,250 That's the thing, isn't it? 830 01:08:00,530 --> 01:08:03,250 To last in the mind of others. 831 01:08:12,030 --> 01:08:13,210 First instincts, Laurie. 832 01:08:15,110 --> 01:08:17,490 I never joined the Royal Academy, you know. 833 01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:21,800 I refuse to play that game. 834 01:08:22,700 --> 01:08:26,580 The others were rabid about it. Every last one of them more competitive than 835 01:08:26,580 --> 01:08:31,740 next, but not me, Laurie. I was the least competitive of them all by far. 836 01:08:31,740 --> 01:08:32,740 are you staring at me? 837 01:08:33,380 --> 01:08:35,520 I don't think you want to do this. 838 01:08:38,260 --> 01:08:39,840 I am ordering you. 839 01:08:40,410 --> 01:08:46,210 logic buffer to desecrate that painting with that brush. Well, as my assistant, 840 01:08:46,529 --> 01:08:48,470 you don't get to call the shots. 841 01:08:48,729 --> 01:08:49,729 Very well, then. 842 01:08:49,910 --> 01:08:54,529 I resign as your assistant. Okay, okay, okay. You win. You win. You win. You 843 01:08:54,529 --> 01:08:56,529 win. Look, I will do it. I'll do it. 844 01:08:57,330 --> 01:08:58,630 But let's pick a different one. 845 01:08:58,930 --> 01:09:00,910 That's right. Pick a different one. 846 01:09:44,109 --> 01:09:45,270 It's already dreadful. 847 01:09:47,330 --> 01:09:53,810 Oh, now this is a monumentally hideous salve. 848 01:09:54,970 --> 01:09:55,970 Glue. 849 01:09:57,650 --> 01:09:58,650 Yes, 850 01:10:04,690 --> 01:10:05,950 glue and then feathers. 851 01:10:07,330 --> 01:10:10,050 No, no, no, we'll have glitter first. 852 01:10:10,850 --> 01:10:12,090 And then feathers. 853 01:10:14,750 --> 01:10:15,750 That! 854 01:10:17,250 --> 01:10:18,570 Take that! 855 01:10:20,910 --> 01:10:21,910 Feathers. 856 01:10:29,590 --> 01:10:33,210 You were thinking 85. 857 01:10:34,070 --> 01:10:36,710 I would know you can't throw feathers. 858 01:10:37,130 --> 01:10:38,610 Have you called my children? 859 01:10:39,190 --> 01:10:40,750 Not yet. 860 01:10:40,970 --> 01:10:43,070 Oh, well, you must. You must, because these... 861 01:10:43,370 --> 01:10:50,350 Christopher Three's will hang in the pantheon of the worst art of all time, 862 01:10:50,390 --> 01:10:56,010 along with dogs playing poker, Velvet Elvis, and all of Warhol. 863 01:10:57,590 --> 01:11:00,570 Yes. I shall have masking tape. 864 01:11:12,520 --> 01:11:16,800 You see, there should be a through line of awfulness, each one worse than the 865 01:11:16,800 --> 01:11:22,960 rest. As if the... As if the 866 01:11:22,960 --> 01:11:25,860 destruct was the construct. 867 01:11:55,760 --> 01:11:58,700 I can't... Oh, no, no. 868 01:12:02,220 --> 01:12:09,220 I... Something's 869 01:12:09,220 --> 01:12:10,220 happened. 870 01:12:10,620 --> 01:12:12,100 Are you OK? 871 01:12:13,740 --> 01:12:16,500 I'm struggling. I'm struggling to make this dreadful. 872 01:12:19,340 --> 01:12:23,460 It's physically impossible to make it back. 873 01:12:39,820 --> 01:12:42,180 Yeah, you're right. 874 01:12:43,880 --> 01:12:47,280 It is not uninteresting. 875 01:12:57,740 --> 01:12:58,740 Keep going. 876 01:13:01,180 --> 01:13:02,740 So who, though? 877 01:13:04,340 --> 01:13:09,080 Well, you seem like you're having a good time, so why not just keep having a 878 01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:10,039 good time? 879 01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:11,040 Because why? 880 01:13:11,980 --> 01:13:16,220 Because it's fun for you, isn't it? 881 01:13:18,180 --> 01:13:20,600 Because I'm fun for you. 882 01:13:21,160 --> 01:13:24,940 Julian? So here I am. Yes, I am the entertainment again, am I? 883 01:13:25,530 --> 01:13:27,470 It's just what you wanted all along, isn't it? 884 01:13:29,130 --> 01:13:33,590 To wind up the old fool and have him clatter about and bang his cymbals. 885 01:13:34,130 --> 01:13:39,430 Oh, was it interesting being Jane Goodall to the old dancing monkey in his 886 01:13:39,430 --> 01:13:40,430 natural habitat? 887 01:13:40,610 --> 01:13:45,830 And how am I faring as the anecdote you tell all your laughing friends about 888 01:13:45,830 --> 01:13:46,830 later? 889 01:13:47,710 --> 01:13:52,650 This isn't what I meant when I talked about living in... 890 01:13:54,160 --> 01:13:55,520 The minds of others. 891 01:13:57,040 --> 01:13:59,440 Julian, where is this coming from? 892 01:13:59,640 --> 01:14:04,960 Well, where are you coming from? Oh, it's not uninteresting. How would you 893 01:14:04,960 --> 01:14:05,960 that? 894 01:14:06,840 --> 01:14:13,700 To judge art, you must possess the very skills it takes to make said art. 895 01:14:13,800 --> 01:14:15,320 Do you really think you possess those skills? 896 01:14:16,580 --> 01:14:17,680 Well, I don't. 897 01:14:18,000 --> 01:14:19,360 And why not? 898 01:14:20,860 --> 01:14:22,200 Because of three words. 899 01:14:23,419 --> 01:14:26,140 Untitled, number seven. I saw it on your website. 900 01:14:27,380 --> 01:14:31,380 And I didn't need to see it because I'd already seen it. And when I say I'd 901 01:14:31,380 --> 01:14:37,960 already seen it, I might as well have because it rang with the familiarity 902 01:14:37,960 --> 01:14:42,020 of all those other faux existential 903 01:14:42,020 --> 01:14:48,380 impressionistic dance skits by all the other wannabe 904 01:14:48,380 --> 01:14:49,380 artists. 905 01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:51,380 I think... 906 01:14:53,390 --> 01:14:58,710 I think maybe, Laurie, it was a healthy thing that you quit. 907 01:16:48,590 --> 01:16:53,990 I will take £21 ,000. You can keep the £400, but I get 50 % of the final sale, 908 01:16:54,110 --> 01:16:55,110 including the down payment. 909 01:16:58,530 --> 01:16:59,530 £50. 910 01:17:00,890 --> 01:17:02,010 £50. £50. 911 01:17:04,570 --> 01:17:05,570 Good. 912 01:17:10,230 --> 01:17:11,370 I'll call you with a plan. 913 01:17:42,320 --> 01:17:43,320 I was right. 914 01:17:44,620 --> 01:17:48,520 You can't judge art by looking at it online. 915 01:17:50,560 --> 01:17:52,460 This is good. 916 01:17:55,480 --> 01:17:57,000 Untitled number seven. 917 01:17:57,580 --> 01:18:02,500 There's a power to it that I missed on your website. 918 01:18:03,200 --> 01:18:05,400 So you came in to tell me you were right. 919 01:18:07,700 --> 01:18:10,440 Yes. About many things. 920 01:18:11,800 --> 01:18:17,740 including having seen that before, which explains, Laurie, why 921 01:18:17,740 --> 01:18:20,580 I thought that I'd seen it before. 922 01:18:22,060 --> 01:18:28,260 I got a hunch when I looked at you, just as you were leaving, that 923 01:18:28,260 --> 01:18:35,240 I'd seen that specific look before on your specific face, and I remembered 924 01:18:35,240 --> 01:18:36,240 you. 925 01:18:37,760 --> 01:18:40,700 Artifact. So I looked up. 926 01:18:41,640 --> 01:18:43,380 Season 3, episode 5. 927 01:18:44,160 --> 01:18:45,160 And I was right. 928 01:18:45,860 --> 01:18:47,240 You must have been what? 929 01:18:48,200 --> 01:18:49,580 21? I was 19. 930 01:18:50,020 --> 01:18:56,560 And the truth is, at the time, I'd really only glanced at the painting. 931 01:18:57,920 --> 01:19:04,600 I was merely thinking up my next joke while I was telling the last 932 01:19:04,600 --> 01:19:05,600 joke. 933 01:19:09,160 --> 01:19:11,220 Did I cause you... 934 01:19:11,530 --> 01:19:12,530 To quit. 935 01:19:16,690 --> 01:19:17,690 I haven't quit. 936 01:19:18,590 --> 01:19:19,790 I just quit showing. 937 01:19:24,350 --> 01:19:26,030 I'm a broken man, aren't I? 938 01:19:28,030 --> 01:19:34,910 I believe I always have been. 939 01:19:39,630 --> 01:19:42,250 I didn't know it wasn't you that I was mad at earlier. 940 01:19:42,730 --> 01:19:43,730 I know. 941 01:19:44,130 --> 01:19:47,690 It was... What do you mean? 942 01:19:48,450 --> 01:19:49,470 You know. 943 01:19:53,850 --> 01:19:54,850 Seriously. 944 01:19:59,010 --> 01:20:00,770 Who am I kidding? 945 01:20:03,490 --> 01:20:08,210 All the lies that I've been telling myself my whole life. 946 01:20:12,690 --> 01:20:13,770 It's exhausting. 947 01:20:17,510 --> 01:20:23,530 I didn't give Christopher his life. I gave him mine. 948 01:20:25,490 --> 01:20:29,070 I suspect I ruined his. I know I ruined his. 949 01:20:31,890 --> 01:20:36,990 When you think of me, Laurie, I should like that you remember me as the person 950 01:20:36,990 --> 01:20:39,710 you thought I was who did that very first drawing. 951 01:20:40,220 --> 01:20:42,200 Who gave you the courage to start. 952 01:20:44,280 --> 01:20:47,700 Not the man who you actually know me to be. 953 01:20:48,180 --> 01:20:50,020 Why are you here, Julian? 954 01:20:54,540 --> 01:20:59,400 Because I want to have an exhibition. 955 01:21:02,960 --> 01:21:07,360 And if I do actually get a show... 956 01:21:11,500 --> 01:21:13,380 It could be called... 957 01:21:13,380 --> 01:21:22,900 Julian 958 01:21:22,900 --> 01:21:28,440 Squire. I can't tell whether this is revived or reviled. 959 01:21:29,240 --> 01:21:30,240 Exactly. 960 01:21:31,920 --> 01:21:33,820 Is this a retrospective? 961 01:21:35,060 --> 01:21:36,380 Oh, no, they've been new. 962 01:21:38,160 --> 01:21:40,820 And people can judge them however they judge them. 963 01:21:43,080 --> 01:21:49,700 And I would be grateful, Ronnie, if you'd be so kind as to perhaps just 964 01:21:49,700 --> 01:21:52,280 be there while I try. 965 01:21:56,920 --> 01:21:58,640 Yeah, it is. 966 01:21:59,760 --> 01:22:02,280 Yes, of course. Yes. 967 01:22:03,220 --> 01:22:05,060 Okay. Crack of noon. 968 01:22:06,940 --> 01:22:09,880 Precisely. Oh, except... 969 01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:18,220 No, I've got Esme, and she's been insistent that I do council last minute. 970 01:22:18,480 --> 01:22:22,020 Oh, we could do 2pm. What if we did Monday? 971 01:22:22,740 --> 01:22:23,740 Julian. 972 01:22:24,160 --> 01:22:29,920 I'd like... I think I should like, actually, to just dream about these, 973 01:22:30,140 --> 01:22:31,140 actually. 974 01:22:32,800 --> 01:22:34,040 For a week, tops. 975 01:22:36,260 --> 01:22:37,260 Yeah, all right. 976 01:22:37,560 --> 01:22:38,620 Fine. Yes. 977 01:22:40,120 --> 01:22:41,120 Yes. 978 01:22:42,740 --> 01:22:43,740 Okay. 979 01:22:47,960 --> 01:22:48,960 Thank you. 980 01:22:52,000 --> 01:22:58,800 This is where you live? 981 01:23:24,810 --> 01:23:25,810 Whose is this? 982 01:23:25,990 --> 01:23:27,150 It's mine, sir. 983 01:23:27,550 --> 01:23:28,850 It's absolute shit. 984 01:24:09,860 --> 01:24:10,860 Julia? 985 01:24:28,300 --> 01:24:32,100 Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed. 986 01:24:32,680 --> 01:24:36,580 Welcome back to Art Fight, the show where everyone's a critic. 987 01:24:37,210 --> 01:24:38,210 Particularly Julian. 988 01:24:38,270 --> 01:24:44,530 We've got Laurie Butler, and she studies at Central Saint Martins. A 989 01:24:44,530 --> 01:24:51,230 lot to go. And she is showing us today her painting, Untitled 990 01:24:51,230 --> 01:24:53,690 No. 7. Julian, what do you think? 991 01:24:57,950 --> 01:24:59,050 Untitled No. 992 01:24:59,330 --> 01:25:00,330 7. 993 01:25:00,560 --> 01:25:04,840 Well, it's a fitting name, given there are no actual words to describe what 994 01:25:04,840 --> 01:25:07,200 exactly it is I'm looking at. 995 01:25:07,880 --> 01:25:12,400 And, oh, please, oh, oh, God, don't tell me. I'm going to have to look at the 996 01:25:12,400 --> 01:25:15,840 previous thick in order to understand this one. 997 01:25:18,040 --> 01:25:19,740 It's not a painting, Laurie. 998 01:25:20,320 --> 01:25:24,720 It's a cry for help from the paint itself. Why am I here? 999 01:25:25,680 --> 01:25:27,880 Perhaps there's a title. 1000 01:25:28,780 --> 01:25:33,880 Laurie, and perhaps it's simply the reason my therapist chose early 1001 01:25:34,700 --> 01:25:35,740 I understand. 1002 01:26:54,280 --> 01:26:56,880 Hello, I'm calling for Owen Appleton, please. 1003 01:27:00,020 --> 01:27:01,020 Personal. 1004 01:27:03,820 --> 01:27:08,280 Okay, can you please tell him that I have something he may be very interested 1005 01:27:08,280 --> 01:27:09,280 in? 1006 01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:11,000 Thank you. 1007 01:28:01,659 --> 01:28:05,200 Hi, I'm looking for Mr Appleton. 1008 01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:08,240 I'm Owen. 1009 01:28:08,560 --> 01:28:09,580 How can I help you? 1010 01:28:12,700 --> 01:28:14,200 I'm Laurie Butler. 1011 01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:22,680 I told you on the telephone I don't want to talk about any of that. 1012 01:28:24,540 --> 01:28:25,640 I understand that. 1013 01:28:26,740 --> 01:28:28,060 And I respect that. 1014 01:28:28,910 --> 01:28:33,170 But I wouldn't have come all the way here if there weren't some things that I 1015 01:28:33,170 --> 01:28:34,890 think you might want to hear me out on. 1016 01:28:47,230 --> 01:28:48,230 All right. 1017 01:28:51,290 --> 01:28:52,350 First I have a question. 1018 01:28:53,610 --> 01:28:55,030 Why did he call you Christopher? 1019 01:29:06,220 --> 01:29:08,800 I mean, these are technically ours now. 1020 01:29:09,020 --> 01:29:10,840 Well, they're literally yours. 1021 01:29:11,700 --> 01:29:13,720 Everything in there, all yours. 1022 01:29:16,840 --> 01:29:21,580 Sort of weirdly feels like a Julian Squire museum. 1023 01:29:23,620 --> 01:29:24,700 Such a good idea. 1024 01:29:29,540 --> 01:29:32,060 This whole floor could be the gift shop. 1025 01:29:45,400 --> 01:29:47,560 This stays exactly as it is. 1026 01:29:48,620 --> 01:29:49,620 Even this? 1027 01:29:50,420 --> 01:29:51,860 Exactly as it is? You want to keep this? 1028 01:29:52,320 --> 01:29:53,620 Yeah? Just keep this here? 1029 01:29:54,740 --> 01:29:57,040 Maybe that could be the poster for the museum? 1030 01:29:57,760 --> 01:29:59,660 Blow it up on the side of the... no? 1031 01:30:12,680 --> 01:30:14,380 It's the bathroom at the back. 1032 01:30:24,040 --> 01:30:25,040 Oh, my God. 1033 01:30:26,200 --> 01:30:27,200 Did you do these? 1034 01:30:27,320 --> 01:30:30,440 Barney. Tell me, tell me now, honestly. Laurie, if you did these, we will 1035 01:30:30,440 --> 01:30:32,660 fucking fry you. Barnaby, does it even matter? 1036 01:30:33,040 --> 01:30:36,320 Of course it matters. If she did them, they're worth fuck all again. 1037 01:30:36,740 --> 01:30:41,280 And if I didn't, what would they be worth then? 1038 01:30:54,380 --> 01:30:59,760 Schedule C1. I, Julian Sklar, hereby confirm that the eight artworks 1039 01:30:59,760 --> 01:31:04,640 below, herein referred to as the Christopher Series 3, consisting of 1040 01:31:04,820 --> 01:31:11,240 watercolour, glitter, feathers, axle grease, masking tape, are all 1041 01:31:11,240 --> 01:31:18,020 authentic artworks that I have created and gifted to... ..recipient Owen 1042 01:31:18,020 --> 01:31:19,300 Christopher Appleton. 1043 01:31:21,880 --> 01:31:23,360 Christopher was his middle name. 1044 01:31:25,360 --> 01:31:30,580 Julian told him that Owen sounded like the pained bleat of a mooing cow. 1045 01:31:34,820 --> 01:31:36,600 You've forged this, haven't you? 1046 01:31:37,360 --> 01:31:38,680 Why would I do that? 1047 01:31:38,940 --> 01:31:43,120 Well, let's think, you know, to maybe, I don't know, stop us from having them. 1048 01:31:43,540 --> 01:31:47,200 Plus, you called me before Dad died and said that you would forge the eight 1049 01:31:47,200 --> 01:31:50,120 Christophers as long as we shared 50 % of the profits with you. 1050 01:31:52,460 --> 01:31:58,460 Okay, sorry, let me just get this straight. You are accusing me of forging 1051 01:31:58,460 --> 01:32:04,360 legal note from him which would give me 50 % 1052 01:32:04,360 --> 01:32:06,080 of nothing. 1053 01:32:08,660 --> 01:32:10,700 Now, why on earth would I do that? 1054 01:33:37,710 --> 01:33:38,710 Bonnie. Hi. 1055 01:33:38,950 --> 01:33:40,250 Sally. Barney. 1056 01:33:41,330 --> 01:33:42,590 Fine, you won. 1057 01:33:43,030 --> 01:33:44,030 Congratulations. 1058 01:33:44,370 --> 01:33:45,930 Dad is famous again. 1059 01:33:46,250 --> 01:33:48,770 Yay. Evelyn, you've got to tell us. 1060 01:33:49,670 --> 01:33:51,030 Who painted this? 1061 01:33:51,250 --> 01:33:52,910 Really? The truth? 1062 01:33:54,450 --> 01:33:56,630 Really? Does it even matter? 1063 01:34:37,390 --> 01:34:40,830 Not in the romantic 1064 01:34:47,930 --> 01:34:48,930 Good. 1065 01:34:50,050 --> 01:34:51,070 Really captured the weapon. 1066 01:34:53,550 --> 01:34:54,750 Esme? Hi. 1067 01:34:56,230 --> 01:34:58,790 I tried to get this to you at the memorial, but you left so quickly. 1068 01:35:00,390 --> 01:35:01,850 When I found him, I also found this. 1069 01:35:02,170 --> 01:35:04,070 It belongs to you. No, no, this isn't mine. 1070 01:35:04,270 --> 01:35:08,750 I took it because I didn't want you to know who to see it. 1071 01:35:10,970 --> 01:35:11,970 Okay. 1072 01:35:12,110 --> 01:35:13,250 Thank you. 1073 01:35:14,570 --> 01:35:15,570 Good luck, Laurie.