1 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,960 I always think how well you look, hatless amid the broccoli. 2 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,440 It's mainly cabbage. 3 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,920 I don't think that seriously modifies my observation. 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:18,640 Is he attending to you, Mrs Hussein? 5 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,200 Not as well as I'd like. 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,360 Well, she comes right out with it. 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:27,040 Could I point out that this is only a starter sample 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,120 of the options available? 9 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,840 LEROY YAWNS 10 00:00:55,760 --> 00:01:01,600 I'm not giving the till any money this morning, so if it's listening, 11 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:06,280 it should understand that I'm merely walking past, 12 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,840 on my way to another errand entirely. 13 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,920 Ah! 14 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,200 GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Gotcha! In you go. 15 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,800 Right, I... 16 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,400 I said, "In you go". 17 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,600 In you... 18 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:35,960 In! 19 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,520 This till has got to be retired. 20 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,120 Ow! 21 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,160 Serves you right. You should get a new one. 22 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:55,440 Your Great Uncle Arkwright is living in there somewhere. 23 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:56,720 It's just a till! 24 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,280 GRANVILLE COUGHS 25 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,440 And to think you only used to believe in money. 26 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:08,560 The spirit of the till will not reveal itself to you because... 27 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,080 GRANVILLE COUGHS 28 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,000 ..you're young, and you think you know it all. 29 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:17,520 Right, what am I having for me breakfast? 30 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,040 Gastric, YOU are supposed to tell US. 31 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,840 Not round here. He sells you stuff he wants to get rid of. 32 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,200 Good morning, Gastric. 33 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,240 - Morning. - Look at this. 34 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,680 Fresh kippers, there, look. A gentleman's breakfast. 35 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,120 - And that is fresh from the smokery. - You see? 36 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,760 I'll take a pair. 37 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,160 I can pick the bones out me teeth while I'm pondering. 38 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,200 Deep thoughts? 39 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,120 Why not? Did you think I were thick? 40 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,560 Never. Not once. 41 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,120 Even when you thought Colchester were a lung infection. 42 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,120 Colchester. I'm told me Uncle Willie had it. 43 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,880 - Did he get better? - No. 44 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,480 Well, he probably DID have it, then. 45 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,040 I'll tell you what I've got - problems with that Madge. 46 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,760 I'm at a crossroads. 47 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:11,800 - I'm in the dark. - Well, I think we can help you with that. 48 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,560 Well, why would you bother? I've already bought two kippers. 49 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,280 Gastric, everything's not about money. 50 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,800 You bring your problems in here, you know, and I like that. 51 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,080 You feel you're in the dark? Right. 52 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,560 - We have the answer. - I'm listening. - Here it is. 53 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:38,520 One solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap 54 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:43,680 with flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included. 55 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,560 Thank you. Right. 56 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,560 Are you sure this butter's fresh? 57 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,240 Mm? 58 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,600 GRANVILLE SIGHS 59 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,840 Yes, it's perfectly fresh. 60 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,120 Oh. 61 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,120 There was poor Gastric, 62 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,240 looking for a bit of sympathy, and what does he get? 63 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,920 A flashlight. 64 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,640 The man said he were in a dark place. 65 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:15,120 Mentally! It's Madge. He's worried she might be leaving. 66 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,440 I'm worried she might be leaving if she's taking Mavis with her. 67 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,960 He's concerned that he's getting nowhere with Madge. 68 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,880 Well, he should take her out more often, shouldn't he, eh? 69 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:31,800 Can you name one single night when he's ever taken her out? 70 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,760 Eh? No! 71 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,280 Well, he's got no excuse now, because he got a torch! 72 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,640 And do you know what you said to me? 73 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,600 "The bathroom needs new tiles." 74 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,800 Is that so terrible? 75 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,720 I was trying to kiss you at the time! 76 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:54,560 I had both hands full with your dinner. You pick a hell of a time. 77 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,240 In days gone by, you would have put down the plates. 78 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,680 Today, I'm just part of the furniture. 79 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:01,680 If you're sulking because of how long it is since 80 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,600 you've had a polish, then you can forget it! 81 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,600 You used to look at me, and it was like... 82 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,920 ..a light bulb going on. 83 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,800 I'm talking 200 watts. 84 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,960 Are we going into town or aren't we? 85 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,640 Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 40. 86 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,120 I mean, how much excitement can you get from 40 watts? 87 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,720 Stop bragging. You peak at 30. 88 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,080 Go for it. Up your game, now. 89 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,720 Invite her out. 90 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,200 Tonight. 91 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,120 To be honest, I have trouble getting past, "Hello, Madge". 92 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,880 I'm OK as far as, "Hello, Madge". 93 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,840 - Do you want me to come with you? - Yes. 94 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:46,120 No. He's got to do this. 95 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,560 Tell her you want to take her somewhere nice. 96 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,880 A little token of appreciation for all of the... 97 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,640 - Ferocious rollickings she gives him. - Mm. 98 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,040 It gets so you nearly enjoy it. 99 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,080 It's like being wrapped in warm nettles. 100 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,400 Tell her we're all going out posh tonight, 101 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,000 and you want to take her with us. 102 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,960 Does that come straight after "Hello, Madge," or do I have to...? 103 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,600 Just...will you go?! 104 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,600 And how is Mrs Roper? 105 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,480 Oh, it's our 40th next month. 106 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,360 Oh, you must be getting used to each other by now, then. 107 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,160 People ask me, "What's the secret?" And I say, "It's simple. 108 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,080 "The man has to be in charge." 109 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,320 Oh! 110 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,920 Is Mrs Roper aware of that? 111 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,760 Oh, you don't tell her. You go about it crafty. 112 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,520 And you might, if you're really cunning, 113 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,440 go as far as letting her think that SHE'S in charge. 114 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,840 Well, you seem to have pulled that one off, Mr Roper. 115 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,600 Well, is there anything else? 116 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,320 No, no, you're fine. 117 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,840 You don't get to 40 years without learning a few tricks. 118 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,400 No, that's true. 119 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,760 Oh, that'll be £5 for the kippers then, please. 120 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:59,000 Oh, thank you. Right. 121 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,320 Did Mrs Roper get her torch? 122 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:05,480 - Torch? - Yes, last time she was in, she said she wanted a torch 123 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:09,280 for emergencies, and, well, I hadn't got one in at the time. 124 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,920 Emergencies? I handle the emergencies. 125 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,720 She probably thinks that you've noticed that she needs a torch 126 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,280 for emergencies. I mean, you being, you know, in charge. 127 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,160 Yeah, that's true. She relies on me. 128 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,600 Of course. 129 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,360 Well, after 40 years, I expect you get like that, don't you? 130 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,080 You know, practically knowing each other's thoughts. 131 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,200 Yes, you do. 132 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,280 Have you got a torch in now? 133 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,880 Funnily enough, I got some in specially, yes. 134 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,040 There you are. That's a solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap 135 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,720 and flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included. 136 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,240 - I'd better take one. - Decisions - I like that. 137 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,560 I like that - shows that you're in charge. 138 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,560 Right, so that's £15 for the torch, £5 for the kippers - 139 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,240 that's exactly £20. 140 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,600 Well done. You just owe me for the batteries. 141 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,000 GRANVILLE HUMS 142 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,440 You two really are twitchy. 143 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,080 Have you thought about Doctor Proctor's nerve tonic? 144 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,960 No! 145 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,520 Hey, this is too serious. We're not buying any rubbish. 146 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,640 Oh, that IS serious. 147 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,840 Be gentle with us. Go easy for once. 148 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,720 You sold us an ice cream, we only came in for advice. 149 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,680 It's no good appealing to his better nature. 150 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,160 He's never known the perils of matrimony. 151 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,920 GRANVILLE CHUCKLES What? 152 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,720 You two only have to deal with one housewife. 153 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:41,160 Me, I have to deal with at least 20 housewives a day. 154 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:45,880 If you want any advice about how to handle wives, 155 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,920 you have come to the right place. 156 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,120 - We're listening. - But, hey... 157 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,560 ..no Doctor Proctor's, eh? 158 00:08:54,560 --> 00:09:00,000 The trouble is, with you two, your wives are taking you for granted. 159 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,360 Now, they wouldn't do if they thought that 160 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,200 you were seeing another woman. 161 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,200 - BOTH: - She'd kill him! 162 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,480 I don't mean a real other woman. 163 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,720 What I mean is, you get a friend of yours to put on a wig, 164 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,680 and just dress up a bit. 165 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,880 - That's a big bit! - Where do we find somebody as loopy as that? 166 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,960 Uh-uh! 167 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,640 Then, I'm sorry, gentlemen, we do not carry one in stock. 168 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:43,520 You're just going to have to look up your long list of acquaintances. 169 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,840 Thank you. 170 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,040 - BOTH: - Newbold! 171 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,320 Oh, is he not in? 172 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,440 Duty calls him elsewhere at the moment, Mrs Featherstone. 173 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,160 Can I be of assistance? 174 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,680 Are you qualified for the mature person? 175 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,680 You always make me feel as if I'm involved with a toy boy. 176 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,040 I didn't mean, "Can I be of that much assistance?" 177 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,600 I've never been happy disclosing my needs to persons of your generation. 178 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,880 You're always very polite, 179 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,120 but God knows what you get up to on the internet. 180 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,800 Is there any specific reason you don't like me attending to you? 181 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,440 I have seen you covered in trollop, 182 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,440 up to your eyebrows in trainee hussies. 183 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,680 Not recently, Mrs Featherstone. 184 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,640 I'm chasing a vegan. 185 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,280 Are there any left? 186 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,040 You could do worse than model yourself on Mr Newbold. 187 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:52,040 He is a man of impeccable self-restraint. 188 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,520 Damn near soporific. 189 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,520 Don't be shy of asking me. 190 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,880 What are friends for? What can I do for you? 191 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,400 - Tell him. - I'm telling him! 192 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,200 I'm choosing the words. 193 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,880 What if... 194 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,440 our wives got the idea that we were showing an interest 195 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,600 in another woman? 196 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,720 But of course, on account of the mortal danger it would involve... 197 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,440 ..we can't afford to get mixed up with a REAL other woman. 198 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,360 So, we need to be seen, if only at a distance, 199 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,360 ..in the company of, shall we say... 200 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,080 ..a strange woman. 201 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,360 In which case, your help would prove invaluable. 202 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,960 I already have a strange woman. 203 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,000 And I doubt whether you'd want one as strange as that. 204 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,160 We need an illusion of a woman. 205 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,040 Oh, she's no illusion. 206 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,920 - Woman enough to get the rumours circulating. - Mm. 207 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,280 But, hang on... 208 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,000 ..I'm getting an idea here. 209 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,080 What you need... 210 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:17,760 ..is some chap. 211 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,680 Go on. 212 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:25,640 It's a lot to ask. He'd have to be very well disposed towards you. 213 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,320 - An absolute jewel. - Top of the heap. 214 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,280 Someone willing to play the part... 215 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,480 ..of a lady. 216 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,840 Now, don't dismiss it out of hand. 217 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,080 Oh, no. 218 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,800 I realise it's a big step. 219 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,120 And where are you likely to find an idiot like that? 220 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,520 No! 221 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,240 Absolutely not! 222 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,640 I don't really need a torch. 223 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,360 You need a proper restaurant. 224 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,720 You can't take Madge and Mavis to some greasy spoon. 225 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,040 I know it's not that you lack the nerve, but really. 226 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,640 Thank you. 227 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,040 Ah! Oh! Ah! 228 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,080 Yes, but if I'm paying, 229 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:35,480 you know that my digestive system can't handle expensive. 230 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,200 I'm told this restaurant's reasonable. 231 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,040 Huh. I shan't enjoy it. 232 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,520 I'll be wondering about how you're getting on minding the shop. 233 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,280 But I'm not minding the shop. 234 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,120 I'm going with you. I've invited a young lady. 235 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,880 Well, who's minding the shop? 236 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,200 Take a deep breath, listen to me... 237 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,320 ..can't we close early, for once? 238 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,640 You see what he thinks? 239 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:07,920 Well, what do YOU think? 240 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,080 I'm with him. 241 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,000 GRANVILLE HUMS 242 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:24,320 Oh! By the look of you two, this is not happy hour. 243 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,320 Old Newbold won't do it. 244 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,840 He refuses flatly to go girlie. 245 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,840 No problem. You do it yourselves. 246 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,960 You become your own other woman. 247 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,880 One of you goes female, 248 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:44,400 and then you take turns so that you can both be seen out 249 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,760 with another woman. 250 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,560 Would I want to be seen out with him? 251 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,440 Hey! I don't fancy you that much, either. 252 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,840 Listen, you're not going to get married, 253 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,360 you're just doing it to start a rumour, aren't you? 254 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,080 All right, I'll tell you what - 255 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,800 we'll toss a coin for who goes female first. 256 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,560 Right. 257 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,640 Arkwright, can I borrow a coin? 258 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,800 Thank you. I shall return it. 259 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,040 Right, I'm going to toss the coin, you call. 260 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,480 Loser goes first. 261 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,160 - Tails. - Heads. 262 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,360 Oh! 263 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,280 GRANVILLE CHUCKLES 264 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,800 Hello, sweetie. 265 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,280 CYRIL LAUGHS 266 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,360 Come away. It's locked and bolted. 267 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,680 Not to mention locked and bolted. 268 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:42,680 GRANVILLE GRUNTS 269 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,280 Oh, you've overloaded the money belt. 270 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,240 I'm not leaving my innocent money to get into the clutches 271 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,960 of evil toerags. 272 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,360 - Who parked that thing there? - I've no idea. 273 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,040 What's he doing now? 274 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,600 He's telling Arkwright to keep an eye on the shop. 275 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,200 Don't ask. Right, I'll see you at the restaurant. 276 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,240 - Hang on a minute. - Oh, now what? - It's all right. 277 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,840 - No, I'll be back in a flash. - Oh! 278 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,280 Oh, my first customer. 279 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,240 What a pity he's badly bent. 280 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,560 Ah! Oh! 281 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,240 Only a temporary... 282 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,200 Listen, if you see anybody going to the shop, give them a whistle 283 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,280 and get them back over here, cos I've stocked you well up. 284 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,400 I'm on a power trip. 285 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,360 And if they look half kettled, sell them a torch. 286 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:54,080 - I'll torch them to death. - Yes! - Trust me, I'm on a roll. - Good. 287 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,240 Now, any problems, give me a call, all right? 288 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,880 Or I could call Leroy, save you the trouble. 289 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,280 Straighten up. You're walking like your elastic's gone! 290 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,360 This is as straight as it gets without doing some serious damage. 291 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,560 - Get in! - Oh! 292 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:30,960 Can we get the old gentleman a chair? 293 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,360 Well, what's anybody having? 294 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,600 A coronary. 295 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,760 Every time I see these prices, my money belt gives a twinge. 296 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,640 You're out of touch. How long is it since you last went out for a meal? 297 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,120 I'll tell you how long it's going to be before I go out for the next one. 298 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,000 Well, you only live once. 299 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,320 You can't afford twice! 300 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,400 MONEY BELT CREAKS Oh! 301 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,760 Do you live in town, Beth? 302 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,640 Just on the outskirts. 303 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,240 She's a vegan. 304 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,640 Still, I don't see why they can't let her into town! 305 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,400 I only mention it to explain why we'll be having our own table. 306 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,640 You wouldn't want to be sat next to a couple of people 307 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,800 crunching through salad, would you? 308 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,480 So, what will you be having? 309 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,640 Oh... My favourite salad. 310 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,360 Oh, isn't love grand? 311 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,560 How long have you been on salad? 312 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,440 Since I showed him the benefits. 313 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,400 I can see where he sees the benefits. 314 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,800 And what can we get you people? 315 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:50,920 A mortgage! 316 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,560 Could you give us a couple more minutes? 317 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,320 - Certainly. - Give me a hand, will you? 318 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,880 I've got to release this thing. 319 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,760 Oh, yes, thank you. 320 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,080 Excuse me. 321 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,960 MONEY JINGLES 322 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,560 CREAKING 323 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:12,920 That's better. Thank you. 324 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,320 Thank you. 325 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,440 They'll all be at the restaurant. 326 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,880 It'll give you a chance to show them how close we're becoming. 327 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,800 They should know already. You keep telling them. 328 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,800 There's nothing like them witnessing your show of affection. 329 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,680 "Show"? How much of a show? 330 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,160 Well, just the usual courtesies. I don't want you mauling me. 331 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,480 Much can be achieved by the right expression. 332 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,960 Just not the one you're wearing now. 333 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,280 I know him from some place. 334 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,200 Stop staring, it's rude. 335 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,640 There you go again. You hate me, don't you? 336 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,440 Not always. 337 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,120 Go on. Tell her. 338 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,120 What, already? We haven't even eaten. 339 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,040 I was saving it for later. 340 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,000 Tell me what? 341 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,960 Gastric doesn't want you to leave the area. 342 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:17,240 Nobody wants her to leave the area. I keep telling her. 343 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,400 Mrs Duckett says the omens are wrong. 344 00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,520 I keep reminding her what happened when she went to Bridlington. 345 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,200 I only went for a day. 346 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,440 Exactly. If you can't get a day right, 347 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,880 where do you get the nerve to try forever? 348 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:34,120 Oh, go on, girl! I love it when you're roused. 349 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,000 Thank you. I'll have the squid. 350 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,880 Hey, you do know that a squid has eight arms? 351 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,360 Given the right circumstances, I can do a very good impression. 352 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:47,560 I know! 353 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,240 Who's that with Cyril? 354 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,720 And why did he bother? 355 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,560 Oh, he'll look a bit sick when he sees us here. 356 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:05,240 Don't you start gossiping, 357 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,200 otherwise you'll get him into trouble with his wife. 358 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,960 He's looking for trouble, bringing her here. 359 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,000 She must be some brazen slapper. 360 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,080 Who was that? 361 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,080 Just a neighbour. Probably his auntie. 362 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,520 Take your glasses off. 363 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,600 What, and be recog... 364 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,880 ..recognised? 365 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,560 "Oh, look, there's Eric dressed as an old bag." 366 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,400 Stop right there. Forget that notion. 367 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,640 I wouldn't be caught dead with an old bag. 368 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,920 You're my escort for the evening, and therefore, you are... 369 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,520 ..beautiful. 370 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,440 Give over, will you? You're creeping me out. 371 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,120 Ooh, well! 372 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,400 What a coincidence, seeing you people here. 373 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,760 Mr Newbold's always whisking me off for a little dolce vita. 374 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,840 Softening me up, I fear. 375 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,520 It makes you wonder what they have in mind. 376 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,400 Ooh, ooh... GRANVILLE STRAINS 377 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,360 Your father's weird. 378 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:34,440 Yeah. 379 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,880 I've noticed that. 380 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,200 I can see where you get yours from. 381 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,720 What? You think I'm weird? 382 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,040 You came to the library dressed as a banana. 383 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,800 Only because my gherkin suit were at the dry cleaners. 384 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,480 We'll get the word out now. She'll spread it. 385 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,800 What if people come over here? 386 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,840 How are you going to introduce me? 387 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,600 What am I called? 388 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,680 - Vera. - Bog off! 389 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,640 That's a wife's name. 390 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,800 We're having an affair here, a hot fling. 391 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,920 I ought to be something more... 392 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,680 exotic. 393 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,840 You're getting carried away, hey? 394 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,200 You're going over the top again. 395 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,160 I'm seeking authenticity. 396 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,480 It's not just the dress, you know. 397 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,360 I need to... 398 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,760 feel the person. 399 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,920 OK. It's... 400 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,560 Dolores. 401 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:34,880 Feel that? 402 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,800 Will you be able to spell it? 403 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,560 Why would I want to spell it? 404 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,920 Dolores likes to cover all the angles. 405 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,880 Maybe she's a perfectionist. 406 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,360 More like obsessive. 407 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,560 Oh, well, forgive me if Dolores is becoming too much of a bother! 408 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,920 Crab apple jelly. 409 00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:00,960 - Sorry? - You sold me crab apple, a boat-load of crab apple jelly. 410 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,480 Oh, yes. That's right. Well, tell your friends, 411 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,760 and tell them to hurry, because stocks are limited. 412 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,000 "The old witch's recipe", you said. 413 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,680 Oh, yes. Excuse me, won't you? Just a moment. 414 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,680 Yes, that'll be Mrs Duckett. 415 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,920 She pulled it off the old psychic internet. 416 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,800 "Guaranteed to revitalise your romance", you said. 417 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,040 Mm-hm? 418 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,960 Does that look revitalised? 419 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,760 I feed her bucketsful, and for what? Nothing. 420 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,280 I'll tell you what I do get, malice. 421 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,640 Did you get the additive? 422 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,040 Oh, yes, yes. You sold me Doctor Proctor's additive. 423 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,440 I've been lobbing drops in her every mouthful. 424 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,440 I see. And did you wait for the trigger? 425 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,680 Nobody mentioned a trigger. 426 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,960 Oh, well, that's it, isn't it? 427 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,880 You forgot the trigger. 428 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:57,760 Now, I tell you what, you go back to her, with my blessing, 429 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,600 take her home. 430 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,680 She will be more than you can handle 431 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:07,400 when she hears any Frank Sinatra album. 432 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,000 - So, Frank Sinatra's the trigger? - Yes. 433 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,160 Take her home, put the music on, 434 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,360 but make sure you're holding on to something firm. Right? 435 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,000 THEY LAUGH 436 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,960 What are you doing under the table? 437 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,680 Is this you staring at my legs? 438 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,320 You dropped a napkin. 439 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,760 Well, there's no point in showing your affection under there. 440 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,160 Let them see it in your eyes. 441 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,240 Now, start with a bit of yearning. 442 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,840 Up your game, man. Go for passionate. 443 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:52,720 And madam would like? 444 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:58,880 I think I'll start with a ballotine of free-range chicken, 445 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,600 with a maple-infused duck. 446 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:03,960 How much?! 447 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,760 Oh! Ooh... 448 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,000 CREAKING AND GRANVILLE STRAINS 449 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,520 What's your father doing? 450 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,080 My head in. 451 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,200 CREAKING 452 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,720 GRANVILLE SIGHS 453 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,640 I suppose it's worth it if Madge is staying, hey? 454 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,800 - Who said I would stay? - Shut up! 455 00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,600 Hello, Mavis! 456 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,640 Hello, Granville. 457 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,120 - Well, I must say, I thought that was delicious. - ROMANTIC MUSIC 458 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,960 459 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,040 Oh, hey! This is him. 460 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,280 Mr Cupid with his wonder jelly. 461 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,880 Oh... Mm... 462 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,080 Oh, hey up! 463 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,800 - This is a one-way jelly, you know. - Oh, sorry. No, I... 464 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,360 Tart! 465 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,320 I... Hey! 466 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,600 DOOR CREAKS 467 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,760 Kath. 468 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,320 I know who I am. 469 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,520 Who the hell are you? 470 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,200 You're usually in bed. 471 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,680 Go on, explain yourself. 472 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,920 I'm not giving you time to think. 473 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,760 I want you to lie to me spontaneously. 474 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,640 But you should be in bed! 475 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,680 Any other time, you'd have been in bed. 476 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,200 With your back to me. 477 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,240 I don't know you any more. 478 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,840 Who are you? 479 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,200 Dolores. 480 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:52,760 Dolores? 481 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,520 Couldn't you have picked something a bit more...? 482 00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,640 Oh, all right, then! Vera. 483 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,680 Vera. Yeah, better. 484 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,080 Although... 485 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,960 ..I do feel more of a Susan. 486 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:07,960 Susan. 487 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,600 I tell you what, Susan, 488 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,320 Next time, let me do your face, eh? 489 00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,200 'I'm going to have to review some prices round here 490 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,960 'to pay for that bill. 491 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:35,360 'I must say, that Mavis goes well with squid. 492 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:42,200 'I don't think our Leroy's going far with that vegan. 493 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,080 'I'd better get him some supper ready. 494 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,400 'He'll be starving after that salad.'