1
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
take your seats.
2
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:41,667
Tom Dobbs will speak
to you before the show.
3
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:44,461
This story might fall
under the heading
4
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,421
of "One thing leads to another."
5
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:49,883
It started on August 20th.
6
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:54,388
At 7 p.m., Tom Dobbs, who
had a successful cable show
7
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:58,141
featuring political comedy,
was talking to the audience
8
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:01,645
during the warm-up routine
prior to the taping of the show.
9
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:04,314
Thanks for coming.
This isn't the actual show.
10
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:08,485
The cameras are pointing at nothing,
and some critics have said that, too.
11
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:12,447
But I'm just here to kind of talk
to you, warm up the audience.
12
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,533
A little bit of foreplay. Sorry.
13
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,245
I'll back up now just
for harassment reasons.
14
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:20,956
The government said...
Well, a lot of people said
15
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:25,502
we're cutting back spending, we're cutting
back spending, but NASA actually spent
16
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,714
$28 million to develop a fountain
pen that would write upside down
17
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:32,676
in space in zero gravity. The
Russians solved the same problem
18
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,970
with 5-cent pencil.
19
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,682
Very easy. Writes
upside down, zero gravity.
20
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,393
After two cases of
vodka, still writing.
21
00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:44,521
If you have GPS, be careful.
22
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,897
I bought a Mercedes recently,
23
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,983
had the talking GPS,
"Up ahead, take a right."
24
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,068
I open the door, the car
went, "Are you Jewish?"
25
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:55,866
But soon, all of your
appliances will talk to each other.
26
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,201
You'll get on the scale,
and the scale will go:
27
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,621
"Psst! I've talked
to the microwave."
28
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,583
I've noticed many of you
with your little cell phones.
29
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,585
Soon they'll get so
small, you won't see them.
30
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,838
They'll just be inside you.
"Hold on, I got a call. Hello?"
31
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:12,132
No, no, I'll make
it louder. Hold on.
32
00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,136
Wait, I'm taking a picture.
33
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,765
"Oh, wait, wait, I got mail."
34
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,395
It was during a QandA that a
woman made a statement.
35
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,648
- Yes, yes, ma'am.
- Hi.
36
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:30,317
I feel so frustrated
with the political system,
37
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,528
and my friends say the
same thing all the time.
38
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,739
Maybe you should
run for president.
39
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:46,667
The comment was quickly forgotten,
and minutes later, the show got underway.
40
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,710
Senator, I'm picking up
that the general public
41
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:51,380
is frustrated with the
polarization of the party,
42
00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,840
and lack of
accountability. It's crazy.
43
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:57,469
A woman said I
should run for president.
44
00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,102
- Maybe I should.
- Within three hours,
45
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:09,189
there were 4 million e-mails
endorsing Dobbs for president.
46
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:14,111
Over the course of the next week,
Dobbs mentioned this four more times.
47
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,696
The Internet was on fire.
48
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:19,658
Over 8 million e-mails. It
was a grass-roots movement
49
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:23,745
fueled by the power of the
Internet and the cult of personality.
50
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:27,290
Ladies and gentlemen, thank
you so much for your patience.
51
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,669
We have a great show for
you, so without any further ado...
52
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:35,132
On September 2nd, something
very, very unusual happens.
53
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,926
Tomorrow, I will officially
announce my candidacy
54
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:40,345
for President of
the United States.
55
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,433
Did you write that?
56
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,393
Where's the punchline?
57
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:50,605
Maybe it was sheer vanity,
maybe it was a political stunt,
58
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:55,110
or maybe it was because Tom believed
this audience demanded it, who knows.
59
00:03:56,486 --> 00:04:00,073
As Tom Dobbs' manager, I was
shocked as everyone around me
60
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,908
and I wasn't exactly pleased.
61
00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,952
Does this mean I'm out of a job?
62
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:08,582
Shortly thereafter, Tom was
on the ballot for 13 states.
63
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:12,961
That was part one of the
unusual progression of events.
64
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:17,007
On the West Coast, the
second domino toppled over.
65
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,759
Voter confusion.
66
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,470
Endless recounts.
67
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,972
Unreliable results.
68
00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:27,559
Democracy held hostage.
69
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:32,689
In today's America, technology empowers
the public in nearly everything they do.
70
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,734
And now, voting with confidence.
71
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:39,488
Introducing the
Delacroy voting system.
72
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:43,909
Congress decided that Delacroy
Systems would have the national franchise
73
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:47,537
for computerized voting in
the coming presidential election.
74
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,874
In hindsight, not one
of their better decisions.
75
00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,878
For ease of voting, speed
and accuracy of vote.
76
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:58,465
It eliminates long lines
and confusion at the polls.
77
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:02,177
It was, of course, a major coup for
this Silicon Valley-based company.
78
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,096
When the dubbed versions
come in I need to see the contracts.
79
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,224
Delacroy.
80
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:12,646
As CEO of Delacroy, James
Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.
81
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:17,067
In the bowels of the building,
something else was about to take place.
82
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:23,615
I just got the ballot from San Mateo so
I thought I'd run my own little election.
83
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,784
With the referendums,
propositions and amendments,
84
00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,994
- just add the candidates' names.
- Why?
85
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:32,624
We've never run a configuration like this,
so I thought I'd give it a test drive.
86
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,669
Oh, God. I think
I burned my lip.
87
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,630
It's like democracy on
the head of a microchip.
88
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,632
But no matter how you slice it,
89
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:43,885
it's what you're voting for
and not how easy it is to vote.
90
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,263
Whether she was
being diligent in her work,
91
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,265
or she was obsessive-compulsive,
92
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,893
or she really didn't have a
personal life, who knows.
93
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:55,897
But late that night, she found
something that seemed very wrong.
94
00:05:55,981 --> 00:06:01,403
Mills, I voted for you three times as
much as I voted for President Kellogg.
95
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,407
Why did the president win?
96
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:11,413
Like a good, dedicated employee, she
sent an e-mail to CEO James Hemmings.
97
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,832
She wrote that
something was wrong-
98
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:17,085
She used phrases like
"a glitch in the system,"
99
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,963
"compatibility
problem," things like that.
100
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:25,010
Hemmings read the e-mail,
and reacted as a CEO
101
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:27,971
whose stock fortune was
wrapped up in his newest enterprise.
102
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,558
If there really was a problem,
it was too late to correct it,
103
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,935
so he ignored the memo
104
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,438
and hoped the
problem would go away.
105
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,082
I've read a lot of op-ed
pieces and they've said
106
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,919
Tom Dobbs doesn't
talk about the issues.
107
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:04,132
All right. I will address the issue. The
issue revolves around representation.
108
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,676
The people of America
are not being represented.
109
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,970
Our political leaders
are too indebted
110
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,556
to special-interest
groups and party politics.
111
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,477
This country was founded on the
principle of government of the people,
112
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,897
by the people, for the people.
We are the wealthiest nation
113
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:22,233
in the history of the world,
we are the most powerful nation
114
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:25,862
on this planet, and yet we
can't educate our own children.
115
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:29,032
- Thought that went pretty well.
- Lincoln got more laughs
116
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,326
- at the Gettysburg Address.
- Don't start.
117
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:35,330
Everybody Loves Raymond is
doing is doing huge numbers in reruns.
118
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,999
Comedy, comedy sells.
Can we remember that?
119
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,710
- I don't wanna get into this.
- I don't care what you say,
120
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,338
but say it with humor.
These crowds expect it.
121
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,549
You keep giving speech
after speech, nothing's funny.
122
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,177
They'll get funny when I'm
back on the show after the hiatus.
123
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,137
- It's too dry.
- I came on the campaign
124
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:54,891
- to talk about issues.
- There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.
125
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,811
Remember the motto,
"It's no joke"? It's no joke.
126
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,313
Tom, can't you do
just two jokes of mine?
127
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,899
You're a comedian
who talks about politics.
128
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,236
So when you talk about
politics without the comedy,
129
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:10,824
it's like wanting to get laid and
forgetting to bring along the woman.
130
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,326
You'll quickly discover
something is missing.
131
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,745
We should have
politicians who represent us
132
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:19,457
and not special-interest groups.
Whenever they wanna distract you,
133
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:23,044
they use weapons of mass
distraction. They bring up an amendment
134
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:25,505
to ban burning of the flag.
135
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:28,216
By spending even one
moment talking about that,
136
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:31,636
you're denying other things.
Education, environmental issues.
137
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,181
So I'm here to talk tonight
about political commercials.
138
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,643
That's where most of the money
goes in any political campaign.
139
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:42,981
Politicians have to spend so
much money just to buy TV time.
140
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,567
This is where the
special-interest groups start.
141
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,404
When you have a campaign
that costs $200 million,
142
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:52,323
you owe someone something
somewhere down the line.
143
00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:55,910
That's why I refuse to
run television commercials.
144
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:59,247
Just be entertaining. Who
would you rather have dinner with:
145
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:03,418
Richard Pryor in his prime, or
Kofi Annan, the head of the U.N.?
146
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,962
Which dinner is gonna
be more interesting?
147
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:10,050
If there's no candles, Richard.
But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say,
148
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:13,553
"Coffee, Kofi? What?
Coffee? Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"
149
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,306
♪ We live in a political world ♪
150
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,725
♪ Love don't have any place ♪
151
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,519
♪ We're living in times
Where men commit crimes ♪
152
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,188
♪ And crime don't have a face ♪
153
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,941
He's in the debate?
154
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:29,069
He's in the debate.
155
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,738
Tom Dobbs is gonna
be in the debate.
156
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,908
They're gonna let him
participate in the debate.
157
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,993
- We struck gold or what?
- Oh, my God.
158
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,954
- We're gonna have to start writing.
- We can write it,
159
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:43,875
- but is he gonna do any of it?
- Praise the Internet.
160
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:46,669
Sixteen million e-mails
spoke loud and clear.
161
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,589
Ha, ha! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
162
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:52,634
♪ Is misguided as hell Leaving
no one to pick up a trail ♪♪
163
00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,850
The following is a quote from
our debate advisory standards:
164
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,853
"All candidates who demonstrate
seriousness of purpose"
165
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:08,274
and significant support going
into the final 30 days of an election
166
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,902
"should be included
in debates." Unquote.
167
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,445
Yes.
168
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:21,496
Well, I fully agree with the debate
committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.
169
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:25,750
He's, by far, the strongest
of the independents,
170
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,503
I'm very much looking
forward to the debate.
171
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,214
Now, I'm more than
confident of my decisions,
172
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,884
my positions, and my strong
relationship with the voting public.
173
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,511
Any my hair.
174
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:42,851
Well, the first thing you gotta do is
say you have unconfirmed information
175
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:46,896
the other candidates have
had sex with farm animals.
176
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,066
It goes back to the Johnson
thing. President Johnson
177
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,236
- Oh, President Johnson.
- Wanted to accuse his opponents
178
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:56,906
of having sex with animals,
okay? One of his staffers said,
179
00:10:56,990 --> 00:11:00,243
"How can you prove that?" He said,
"I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."
180
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,205
- Seriousness of purpose.
- The debate is gonna be
181
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,792
a night full of pomposity. The
air is gonna be full of bullshit.
182
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,378
They're gonna be
thanking everyone.
183
00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:14,132
They'll thank their wives,
children, all have been supportive.
184
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:18,761
This is our night to shine, Tom.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
185
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,598
It's like the comic who
gets to play Carnegie Hall
186
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:25,977
but shows up and plays the
violin. It's not what they go to see.
187
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:31,566
- How many analogies do you have left?
- How many does it take to make my point?
188
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,526
I didn't mean to yell.
189
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,880
You gotta cut loose. In this debate,
get your show attitude in there.
190
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,341
Yeah, but may I
reiterate? They got me in
191
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:59,260
because of my seriousness
of purpose. They saw that,
192
00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:02,430
- and that's why we're in this debate.
- Serious talk puts us to sleep.
193
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:05,642
You wanna talk about a
serious issue, people tune out.
194
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:09,562
Wait a second. Do you think
anybody remembers the issues?
195
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:13,858
When there's a debate, do you...?
When was the last time any human being,
196
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:18,029
any American watched the debate and
went, "God, did you hear what he said?"
197
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,864
"He talked about fiscal policy."
198
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:22,158
"My eyes are open
and I can hear again."
199
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:25,495
All they remember is Nixon
sweating like Elizabeth Taylor
200
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,207
- after a Mexican meal.
- I'm begging you, please.
201
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:33,378
I'm like a man without water. Please,
an acerbic comment, would it kill you?
202
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,379
Just for me.
203
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:38,049
More people are watching your
show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher.
204
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,927
News from comedians.
How crazy is that?
205
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:44,180
Let's move on, okay?
Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.
206
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,557
Well, I hope this
doesn't sound silly,
207
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,477
but the other two
candidates are family men.
208
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:53,314
Okay? And, Tom, with all due
respect, how are you gonna come off
209
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:57,944
- as family-friendly?
- Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.
210
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,490
We'd lose a certain
amount of people there.
211
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,450
But Chicago, the
dead vote there.
212
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,119
As soon as the program starts
213
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:09,539
and we see the candidates'
wives with their little red suits.
214
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,958
I have to get married
before the debate?
215
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,836
Campaign during
the day, date at night.
216
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:18,715
It's like some weird reality
show. Actually, it's not a bad idea.
217
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,801
Part West Wing, part
Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.
218
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,971
"And here's our first
contestant. Your name, please?"
219
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:28,266
"Yes, my name is Rachel
Tensions." "Yes, indeed, dear."
220
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:31,269
"Contestant Number Two,
your name?" "Miss Sogeny."
221
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,730
"Yes, I thought
he was really hot.
222
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,650
But when I found out about his radical
environmental policy, I went "Uh-uh."
223
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,611
I like a dirty environment,
if you know what I mean.
224
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:43,406
I want a man who's not afraid
to go in the wetlands and drill.
225
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:45,867
Deep drill, you know?
226
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:49,078
"Get down in the mud and
take it home, Daddy. That's all."
227
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,873
It's a piece of shit
idea that could work.
228
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,001
Yeah, but you're running.
229
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:58,212
You're running because
the people wanted you to run.
230
00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,506
Why did they want you to run?
231
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:03,634
To listen to you talk about
issues? Are you kidding me?
232
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:06,679
I can barely listen to you
talk about issues, okay?
233
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,891
- Have I not said this 100 times?
- We're going to Chicago,
234
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,643
I'm doing the same thing I've
been doing. That's how I got here.
235
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:15,188
I wanna keep doing
it. I sense that'll work.
236
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:27,492
♪ Thrown like a star in my vast sleep
I opened my eyes to take a peek ♪
237
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:32,914
♪ To find that I was by the
sea Gazing with tranquility ♪
238
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,832
You gotta go to Makeup, Tom.
239
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,209
Makeup.
240
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:40,129
♪ Hurdy Gurdy Man Came
singing songs of love ♪
241
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:47,720
♪ Then when the Hurdy Gurdy
Man Came singing songs of love ♪
242
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:55,311
♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy
Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪
243
00:14:55,978 --> 00:15:01,275
♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy
Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪
244
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:05,029
♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy ♪♪
245
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,198
Look at this. It's
like the circus.
246
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,616
This is nuts.
247
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:11,744
When I was a kid,
I was in the circus.
248
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,330
- No.
- Yes. I used to shave elephants.
249
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,291
You started in the tent,
you're back in the tent.
250
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:20,920
I'm not kidding. They grow
these big beards. In the wild,
251
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,339
- they rub it on trees.
- Come on.
252
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,134
In the circus, you shave
them with a blowtorch.
253
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:30,930
One of those pump things with
gasoline. You throw it all over their face.
254
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:33,099
You gonna have coffee?
255
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:36,436
- Because I need it to stay awake.
- Do you have green tea?
256
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,355
Ow long have you been smoking?
257
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,024
Since I was 7.
258
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,902
Since you were 7?
259
00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:47,196
My father was a big smoker.
260
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:53,202
While President Kellogg and Senator
Mills have spent approximately $195 million
261
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,372
apiece on the campaign
for media advertising,
262
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,000
Tom Dobbs has
not spent one cent.
263
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:03,421
He refuses to spend money on media
saying, "Candidates are not products."
264
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:07,633
All right, here's the very latest now.
Dobbs is running at about 17 percent
265
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:10,470
in the 13 states where
he's on the ballot.
266
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,723
- You want a beer or soda?
- Soda, please.
267
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,808
Compared to a network show,
268
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:19,979
he certainly has been extremely
influential in some smaller circles.
269
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,856
We got some clips.
Are they ready in there?
270
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:25,193
- I TiVo all his shows.
- Here's some excerpts from his show.
271
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:29,113
Swedish carmaker Volvo has
announced that they are replacing air bags
272
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,449
in their new sedans
with breast implants.
273
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:36,787
The number of rear-end collisions
has increased 95 percent in Sweden.
274
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,749
And a lot of guys just like to bump
their car and see what happens.
275
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:44,337
Pope Benedict has finally
mechanized the Swiss Guard and said:
276
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:49,383
"It's my choice. I do it for the
Church and for the Fatherland."
277
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:52,678
I didn't mention this at the
time when he was chosen pope.
278
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:57,058
I was always hoping in my own
heart for a Brazilian pope. Pope Raul.
279
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,977
Just so you could have the
nuns in the thong and the feathers.
280
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:06,359
That would bring a lot of
people back to the Church.
281
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:16,369
- You've got really great skin.
- Thank you.
282
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,164
- A little bit of a tan.
- Heh. Thanks.
283
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,874
I went to a tanning salon.
284
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:24,877
I wanted to look like a Kennedy,
but they set it on George Hamilton.
285
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,798
- Doesn't he have a grill?
- No, that's George Foreman.
286
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,134
Wanna get married?
287
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,512
I need a wife before the debate.
288
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,138
Interested?
289
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,598
I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.
290
00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:41,310
A nice house on Pennsylvania
Avenue, nothing ostentatious.
291
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:45,481
Helicopter pad in the back, couple
thousand phone lines, staff of 60.
292
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,733
- Come on.
- Are you nervous?
293
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,861
Why else would I propose to
a woman I never met before?
294
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:54,323
- You have your own TV show.
- Yeah, but I ask the questions.
295
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:57,451
You got two minutes.
296
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,782
Here we go.
297
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:40,369
Good evening, and welcome
to this last presidential debate
298
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:44,165
between the major candidates
for president of the United States.
299
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:48,377
The candidates are the Democratic
nominee, President Kellogg,
300
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,130
the Republican
nominee, Senator Mills,
301
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:55,009
and for the first time
included in tonight's debate,
302
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:58,971
the independent, Tom Dobbs.
My name is Faith Daniels
303
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:02,475
and I'll be the moderator for
tonight's debate, which is coming
304
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,143
-to you from the
campus -Cleavage?
305
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,038
- Of the University of Chicago.
- Is that legal?
306
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:09,273
- Very cute.
- Now, the format has been agreed to
307
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:12,735
by representatives of both the
Republican and Democratic campaigns.
308
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:16,405
There is no subject
matter that's restricted.
309
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:21,077
As always, each candidate will have up to
two minutes to make a closing statement.
310
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,038
The order of those as well
as the formal questioning
311
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:27,124
were decided in
advance by drawing.
312
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:30,878
Gentlemen, again, good
evening and welcome. Let's begin.
313
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:34,840
Mr. Dobbs, how would
you explain your decision
314
00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:37,885
to run for President
of the United States?
315
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:41,847
I decided to run because
I'm fed up with party politics.
316
00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:45,101
I'm tired of the Republican Party-
I'm tired of the Democratic Party.
317
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:50,314
- Ooh, edgy.
- No difference. Mr. Potato candidate.
318
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:54,652
You have a thing here where,
here's the operative word: Party.
319
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:58,072
Behind closed doors, whew! I
think they just have a good time.
320
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:01,992
When you read transcripts, the
things your Secretary of Defense says,
321
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,829
there must be an
open bar somewhere.
322
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:10,167
The bottom line is, they've lost
track of what they're responsible for.
323
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:13,087
They're responsible to the
people. Not party loyalties.
324
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,339
Definitely not lobbyists.
325
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,135
- That's why I wanna run.
- Not punchy enough.
326
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:23,931
I never thought I'd be saying this,
but you have one minute remaining.
327
00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:25,349
Can I get a refund?
328
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,186
We will continue- TOM: Okay.
329
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:32,106
Senator, I'd like to ask
you the same question.
330
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:37,278
Thank you, Faith-Thank all of
you responsible for having us here.
331
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:41,449
I'd like to thank my wife and children,
who have been very supportive
332
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,826
of my candidacy,
and very helpful.
333
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,328
This guy smiles so
much, it upsets me.
334
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:50,583
I would like to thank all of those
of you who made this possible.
335
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:54,211
And if I may reiterate some of
the comments of Senator Mills,
336
00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:58,924
with respect to family, children,
wives, and immediate family,
337
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:04,430
and the enormously important role
that they play in our failure or success,
338
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,974
and in my case, success.
339
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:09,101
My love to them.
My love to all...
340
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:13,189
- What? Why is he running on?
- He's talking about his wife and children.
341
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,648
- You know?
- Who cares?
342
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,192
Thank you so much.
343
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:18,861
And that's why I have been
344
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:22,615
a very rigorous advocate
of tough security measures.
345
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,409
President Kellogg and
I think alike in this area.
346
00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:29,079
I am in total agreement,
without equivocation,
347
00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:32,833
that security measures
have got to remain tough.
348
00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:35,878
Thank you.
349
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:40,424
Mr. Dobbs, what would your
position be on national security?
350
00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,760
- Come on. Do it.
- Tom, go for it.
351
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:45,179
Some of these measures
are already tough.
352
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:47,890
If you've ever been
through Passport Control,
353
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,351
you stand in line with
thousands of people,
354
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:53,646
get to an Immigration officer
behind bulletproof glass.
355
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,899
He takes your passport.
Looks at your picture, at you.
356
00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,569
Says, "Why do you have your
hair cut?" "I felt good about myself."
357
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:03,614
They have a video camera
that takes a picture of you,
358
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,076
compares it to a previous
picture. They're tough. Skeptical.
359
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,453
- He's got to make his move.
- More oomph.
360
00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:13,791
Meanwhile, the southern borders
of our country, 4 million illegal aliens
361
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:17,086
are crossing the border with
bedroom sets, night tables.
362
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,421
- Hit them again.
- We're trying to reenter
363
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:24,051
the country legally. And they're
asking, "Where have you been? Why?"
364
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:27,555
You start to doubt yourself.
"I forgot why I was there."
365
00:22:27,638 --> 00:22:31,684
I guess it was pleasure. I
felt it was a vacation. I'm sorry.
366
00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,936
I took a vacation.
I don't know why.
367
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,438
And then...
368
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,443
Next thing, they're patting
down an 85-year-old lady
369
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:46,615
in a walker. If there's an 85-year-old
lady in a walker, and she's a terrorist,
370
00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:49,201
basically, game's over, folks-
371
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:53,122
When they put on that rubber
glove and look at me, I'm going:
372
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:57,084
"Okay. Maybe we should have
dinner first before we do this."
373
00:22:57,167 --> 00:23:01,338
I'm saying, let's have real security
and not just the illusion of security.
374
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:02,464
Oh! Yeah.
375
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:04,925
And be distracted by it.
That's what I'm saying.
376
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:09,763
I fully support hydrogen cars-
377
00:23:09,847 --> 00:23:12,016
Weird, because you're
backed by oil companies.
378
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:14,268
You'll have your
turn- TOM: Sorry.
379
00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:20,816
Some of my colleagues and I in the
senate have come up with a strategy.
380
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,486
If you're in bed with oil, how
could you talk fuel efficiencies?
381
00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:27,448
- That's like a kosher pig farmer.
- He's getting angry.
382
00:23:27,531 --> 00:23:29,658
This is not your talk
show, Mr. Dobbs.
383
00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:33,120
You're not on your private
plane, flying to the golf vacation
384
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:35,289
with the three heads of
the major oil corporations.
385
00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:36,248
Wow.
386
00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:40,794
- Like something I've never saw before.
- Mr. Dobbs, return to your podium.
387
00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:45,257
As a blimp. No smoking in the
hydrogen... Boom! Hindenburg.
388
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:48,844
- Mr. Dobbs, please...
- Of course, he's for hydrogen.
389
00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:51,847
It'll take 30 years to develop.
Meanwhile, we haven't got
390
00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:56,185
any more fuel efficiency. We're not
exploring alternative fuels like methane.
391
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:59,229
Hard to do, holding that
chicken over the gas tank.
392
00:23:59,313 --> 00:24:03,317
Or ethanol, which is basically
fuel alcohol. It's grain alcohol.
393
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,696
If you get stopped by the police,
"My car's been drinking. Not me, baby."
394
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:10,407
Or maybe helium, because
if you have a helium car...
395
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:15,537
If you have a helium
car, you get rear-ended.
396
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:18,332
"Hey, something's wrong."
397
00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:22,127
- Mr. Dobbs, return to your podium.
- Miss Daniels, some order.
398
00:24:22,211 --> 00:24:23,879
- We have...
- Some order, yes.
399
00:24:23,963 --> 00:24:25,965
You talk about responsibility.
What about you?
400
00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:29,127
Your Treasury
Department lost $28 billion.
401
00:24:29,139 --> 00:24:31,387
Please, return to your podium.
402
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:37,184
Tell me you're not receiving major
finance contributions from oil companies.
403
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:41,188
I don't take kindly to the fact
that you're calling me a liar.
404
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:44,858
If this is a debate, you should
answer questions honestly.
405
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:46,944
You should be accountable.
406
00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:49,863
The voters should
know what you represent.
407
00:24:49,947 --> 00:24:53,325
If you're representing special interest
groups, we should be like NASCAR.
408
00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:58,706
We'd be in the senate with our suits
on. There should be little patches.
409
00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:04,044
Like they wear in NASCAR. Vioxx:
backaches end, heart attacks begin.
410
00:25:04,128 --> 00:25:07,297
Put the big one in the back:
Enron. We take your money and run.
411
00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:08,841
Smackdown.
412
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,260
It's all about accountability.
413
00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:14,930
We have a format
that we agreed upon.
414
00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:19,101
We got some trouble here.
Stand by on three. Take three.
415
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:20,310
The airlines...
416
00:25:20,394 --> 00:25:24,898
Faith, can you hear me? Can
you get control of this please?
417
00:25:24,982 --> 00:25:27,526
- Get control of this.
- Don't you see?
418
00:25:27,609 --> 00:25:31,071
We deal in weapons of
destruction. They push your buttons.
419
00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:33,365
That's how they
do it. Hydrogen fuel.
420
00:25:33,449 --> 00:25:36,118
He wants an amendment
on flag burning-
421
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:39,913
It's an emotional issue. Talking
about the desecration of the flag,
422
00:25:39,997 --> 00:25:43,208
but if you go online now,
you can buy flag underwear.
423
00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:44,793
Wow!
424
00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:47,296
You can see an old
lady wearing a flag thong.
425
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,381
"Grandma, don't tell
me where Old Glory is."
426
00:25:52,301 --> 00:25:54,845
- It's all about distractions.
- Mr. Dobbs.
427
00:25:54,928 --> 00:26:00,726
Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an
amendment against same-sex marriage.
428
00:26:00,809 --> 00:26:04,021
Anybody who's been married
knows it's always the same sex.
429
00:26:04,104 --> 00:26:06,231
- Dobbs.
- They don't know what to do.
430
00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:08,275
- What's up with that?
- Mr. Dobbs.
431
00:26:08,358 --> 00:26:11,695
It's a distraction. They point
over here. Point over there.
432
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:15,074
They want you not to know.
You don't need an amendment.
433
00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:18,535
Make it out of asbestos- No
one will want to touch the thing.
434
00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:20,871
Do not make a
mockery of this process.
435
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:22,331
Return to your podium.
436
00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:25,000
It was a mockery long
before I came here.
437
00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:30,672
Now we got applause.
This is wonderful.
438
00:26:30,756 --> 00:26:33,175
We're absolutely out of control.
439
00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:35,469
$200 billion, you
could buy a few books.
440
00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:37,971
Mr. Dobbs.
441
00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:47,106
Hard to say how voters
are gonna react to Dobbs.
442
00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:49,733
Either he's a hot dog,
or the genuine article.
443
00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:53,862
He did make some issues come home,
and if he can actually follow through,
444
00:26:53,946 --> 00:26:56,323
- he may have scored points.
- Good point.
445
00:26:56,406 --> 00:27:01,620
But you know what? This wasn't just
funny and abstract, it was very pointed.
446
00:27:01,703 --> 00:27:07,042
He was making political points in comedy.
I thought it was incredible entertainment.
447
00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,586
How good the politics
is, we'll wait and see.
448
00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:13,048
It's gonna be difficult to assess
how the public will respond
449
00:27:13,132 --> 00:27:16,260
to the undisciplined behavior
Tom Dobbs exhibited.
450
00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:20,055
- I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.
- Jack. Excuse me.
451
00:27:20,139 --> 00:27:23,225
Can you go see Tom right
away? He thinks he screwed up.
452
00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:28,147
Yeah, I'm euphoric. He
thinks he screwed up.
453
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,735
Who gives a shit what talking
heads think? Different is good.
454
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:38,198
When I first saw you, I liked you
because you were different. New.
455
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:39,282
Talked too fast.
456
00:27:39,324 --> 00:27:42,619
Couldn't understand you half
the time, but you were fresh.
457
00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:47,040
These politicians today look like
they're borrowed from the wax museum.
458
00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:50,294
They're already in their
suits, waiting to be buried.
459
00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:53,589
Wanna be like them? Waste
of time. You wanna be different.
460
00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:55,465
All bets are off.
461
00:27:55,549 --> 00:27:59,803
You're a good candidate, Tom.
As loony as that seems. But...
462
00:28:01,430 --> 00:28:02,472
What?
463
00:28:06,643 --> 00:28:09,855
You could be an even better one.
464
00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:11,648
Are you all right?
465
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:14,985
What's wrong?
466
00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:17,529
I'm just a little
short of breath.
467
00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:24,536
Let's get you to the hospital.
468
00:28:47,643 --> 00:28:50,437
It's his emphysema.
Doctors say he has a problem
469
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,273
with the enlargement of
his heart, but he's stable.
470
00:28:53,357 --> 00:28:58,195
There seems to be a link between smoking
and heart disease. Or am I making that up?
471
00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:02,699
First time I'll be in front of
an audience without him.
472
00:29:02,783 --> 00:29:06,203
Do what you did tonight, and
things could get interesting.
473
00:29:17,214 --> 00:29:19,675
The old bastard's
right. Look at that.
474
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:22,803
You got to be different
to make an impression.
475
00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:26,265
Forget trying to
be presidential.
476
00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:28,976
You end up looking
like another stiff in a suit.
477
00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:32,229
I got to play my game.
478
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:35,857
They thought I was
wild in the debate?
479
00:29:37,317 --> 00:29:39,361
Watch me the next two weeks.
480
00:29:40,362 --> 00:29:41,697
I'm back.
481
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:46,326
How do you answer allegations you
were arrested for smoking marijuana?
482
00:29:46,410 --> 00:29:51,123
Definitely. I did inhale-I thought,
"What the hell? I'll inhale it."
483
00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:54,126
- You're not denying these charges.
- I was 25. Stoned.
484
00:29:54,209 --> 00:29:57,879
- I was on everything but skates.
- You think it'll affect the campaign?
485
00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:01,758
You want my history? When I was a
boy, I looked at pictures of naked ladies.
486
00:30:01,842 --> 00:30:03,385
My right hand's very strong.
487
00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:05,971
I touched myself more
than a third-base coach.
488
00:30:06,054 --> 00:30:07,848
Seventeen, I beat up a guy.
489
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:12,060
When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.
I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
490
00:30:12,144 --> 00:30:15,814
I had a blind date I left in the
theater. I felt so bad, I married her.
491
00:30:15,897 --> 00:30:18,025
That's my ex-wife, who I
am not on good terms with.
492
00:30:18,108 --> 00:30:20,652
I just farted a little
while back there.
493
00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:24,114
Any other nonsense you'd like to
talk about, I'll be glad to discuss.
494
00:30:24,197 --> 00:30:28,327
Full disclosure. Ladies and
gentlemen, it's time for the campaign.
495
00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:31,580
It's gonna be a whole new
ballgame. Brace yourselves.
496
00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:35,667
Are you tired of the
Democratic party?
497
00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:39,755
Are you tired of the
Republican party?
498
00:30:39,838 --> 00:30:43,008
Tired of a Congress
that does nothing?
499
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:49,306
Tired of having twice as many
lobbyists as they've ever had before?
500
00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:51,516
Then I... I have an idea.
501
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,769
Don't vote for the
congressmen or senators.
502
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:57,314
- You know how we're gonna pick them?
- No!
503
00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:59,107
The same way we pick a jury.
504
00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:03,570
You'll get a more interesting
cross-section than the folks now.
505
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:04,821
I guarantee you.
506
00:31:04,905 --> 00:31:07,074
Want a better healthcare system?
507
00:31:08,825 --> 00:31:11,495
You have an HMO saying,
"We'll give you Viagra.
508
00:31:11,578 --> 00:31:12,996
We won't pay for glasses."
509
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,582
You can have a hard-on, but
you can't see where to put it.
510
00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,584
We're gonna
change it, aren't we?
511
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:18,668
Yeah!
512
00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:22,381
We're not talking liberal or
conservative. Bigtime change.
513
00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:28,553
Recently, past administrations said it's
unpatriotic to question the government.
514
00:31:28,637 --> 00:31:32,474
If it was unpatriotic,
we'd still be English.
515
00:31:34,059 --> 00:31:37,646
The Boston Tea Party wasn't
people going, "Oh, hello."
516
00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,649
There were guys in Boston
going, "Here's your tea. Right here."
517
00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:45,362
I'm tired of the Democratic party.
I'm tired of the Republican party.
518
00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:49,116
We're talking about freedom of
speech and freedom of religion.
519
00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:52,202
The idea of practicing any
religion you want, anytime.
520
00:31:52,285 --> 00:31:55,330
You could be anything. Be
Bewish. Jewish and Buddhist.
521
00:31:55,414 --> 00:31:58,208
Sit and wait for things to
go on sale. That's okay.
522
00:31:58,291 --> 00:32:01,670
The freedom of religion.
Occasionally, religion crosses over.
523
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:04,464
"You must teach
intelligent design."
524
00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:07,926
Look at the human body.
Intelligent? I find it more interesting.
525
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:11,012
You have a waste-processing
plant next to a recreation area.
526
00:32:12,806 --> 00:32:15,350
They always attack environmentalists.
"You're a tree hugger."
527
00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:18,103
"I've done more than hug a tree.
528
00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:20,856
Find the right naughty pine,
you'll have a good night."
529
00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:24,943
Oh, yeah, who's your
woodsman? Who's your woodsman?
530
00:32:25,026 --> 00:32:28,405
I'm not just a tree
hugger. I'm an air breather.
531
00:32:28,488 --> 00:32:31,575
It's bad enough for the
squirrels going, "Help me.
532
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,368
I can't breathe today."
533
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:38,165
If you put enough chemicals in
the water, you'll be fishing going:
534
00:32:38,248 --> 00:32:42,210
"I love catching
two-headed bass.
535
00:32:42,294 --> 00:32:45,464
They're good eating once
you get past the tumors."
536
00:32:45,547 --> 00:32:49,634
I'm tired of the Democratic Party.
Now, I'm tired of the Republican Party.
537
00:32:49,718 --> 00:32:52,471
That's why we're here.
You want change. Yeah!
538
00:32:52,554 --> 00:32:54,431
Yeah. You wanna shake it up.
539
00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:58,477
You have to be eyes wide
open. Ready to move on.
540
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,813
Arm in arm, hand in
hand. Everybody together.
541
00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:05,817
Moving forward,
because the future is now.
542
00:33:10,739 --> 00:33:11,739
Oh, yeah.
543
00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:14,910
Yeah. Whoo!
544
00:33:57,869 --> 00:34:00,205
- Tom, you're the greatest.
- Thank you.
545
00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:03,708
You don't want one of us to
drive? It's eight hours to Chicago.
546
00:34:03,792 --> 00:34:07,671
No, I just wanna be alone
with my Barry White tapes.
547
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:10,632
Tom, the doctors say that
Jack is still pretty weak.
548
00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:13,343
He could doze off before
all the results are in.
549
00:34:13,426 --> 00:34:16,054
He used to do
that during my act.
550
00:34:17,389 --> 00:34:20,308
Pick up a couple of cartons
of cigarettes for Menken.
551
00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:24,020
- They're cheaper on the road.
- You're so thoughtful.
552
00:34:25,021 --> 00:34:27,607
- It's my middle name.
- Compassion.
553
00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:35,991
The exit polls are very close.
554
00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:37,909
Kelloggs and Mills
are running about even
555
00:34:37,993 --> 00:34:41,496
with Dobbs at around
17 percent of the vote.
556
00:34:43,039 --> 00:34:49,504
♪ I believe in the senses sight and
sound I have always been too loud ♪
557
00:34:49,588 --> 00:34:52,966
♪ Won't you help
me drown it out? ♪
558
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:57,012
President Kellogg is
winning by a small margin
559
00:34:57,095 --> 00:35:01,224
over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,
Connecticut and Massachusetts.
560
00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:04,436
In all three states, the
numbers are very close.
561
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:08,315
See these numbers? The computer
glitch is happening the same way.
562
00:35:08,398 --> 00:35:12,402
Delaware is going to President
Kellogg by a very close margin.
563
00:35:12,485 --> 00:35:16,281
- It's not computing right?
- It's not. Something's wrong.
564
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,368
An unusual turn
of events in Virginia
565
00:35:20,452 --> 00:35:22,370
with now 87 percent
of the votes in,
566
00:35:22,454 --> 00:35:24,956
comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.
567
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:27,959
That's gonna surprise more
than a few of the experts.
568
00:35:28,043 --> 00:35:30,920
Dobbs' numbers have been
increasing since the debate.
569
00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:34,132
Most of the polls had
him with 10 to 11 percent.
570
00:35:34,215 --> 00:35:39,262
So if this vote holds true in Virginia,
Dobbs is going to surprise people.
571
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:40,346
Yeah.
572
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,071
Ding-dong.
573
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:59,199
- Ready for your piña colonic?
- What are you doing here?
574
00:35:59,282 --> 00:36:02,577
Thought I'd spend the evening
with someone who gets on my nerves.
575
00:36:02,661 --> 00:36:06,498
- How about Virginia?
- Virginia's okay, but Debbie, whoo!
576
00:36:06,581 --> 00:36:07,999
- Such a slut.
- Heh.
577
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:10,377
Intensive care package here.
578
00:36:11,378 --> 00:36:14,047
- Red wine. Yes.
- A good month.
579
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:18,718
Okay. A little cheese and pâté.
Always good after a heart attack.
580
00:36:18,802 --> 00:36:19,802
Sit.
581
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:25,100
Comedian Tom Dobbs has won
New Jersey, as well as Virginia.
582
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:29,104
A blue and a red state. His
message cuts across political lines.
583
00:36:30,105 --> 00:36:31,439
It's gonna be interesting.
584
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:38,238
You're not gonna win, but at least
you didn't go gently into the good night.
585
00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:42,909
From all the signs, that Delacroy
voting system has worked well.
586
00:36:42,992 --> 00:36:47,038
We're not hearing anything about
long lines at the booth or other snafus.
587
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:51,000
Seems this has probably straightened
out voting problems in the past.
588
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:56,381
♪ John the Revelator
Put him in an elevator ♪
589
00:36:56,464 --> 00:36:59,342
♪ Take him up to
the highest high ♪
590
00:36:59,968 --> 00:37:03,513
♪ Take him up to the top
Where the mountains stop ♪
591
00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:06,641
♪ Let him tell
his book of lies ♪
592
00:37:07,684 --> 00:37:11,229
♪ John the Revelator
He's a smooth operator ♪
593
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:13,314
♪ It's time we cut
him down to size ♪
594
00:37:13,398 --> 00:37:15,108
- Excuse me.
- Hey, Eleanor.
595
00:37:15,191 --> 00:37:18,653
- Have you looked at these numbers?
- Yeah, yeah.
596
00:37:18,737 --> 00:37:23,074
I e-mailed you. I told you I thought there
was something wrong with the system.
597
00:37:23,158 --> 00:37:25,869
I was told the glitch was
limited to my computer.
598
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:31,958
- Yeah. What? You calling me a liar?
- No. All I'm saying is that
599
00:37:32,041 --> 00:37:35,754
these numbers, these results,
this is what I mentioned in my e-mail.
600
00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:38,923
- Why did you decide to test the system?
- I don't know.
601
00:37:39,007 --> 00:37:42,594
- Why'd you need to test at a high count?
- I don't know.
602
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:45,764
If you found a system error,
how are we gonna fix it?
603
00:37:45,847 --> 00:37:46,848
I'm not sure.
604
00:37:46,931 --> 00:37:51,895
Look into your soul and ask yourself
this: Why test the computer at such limits,
605
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:54,647
with so few days left to fix
a problem if you found one?
606
00:37:54,731 --> 00:37:58,568
- I was just double-checking.
- Do you want to destroy this company?
607
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:02,322
Because that's what you
may do. The ramifications.
608
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:05,116
Do you wanna put over
1,000 employees out of work?
609
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:07,160
Do you?
610
00:38:07,243 --> 00:38:11,664
- But the election will be a fraud.
- Here. The people were voting.
611
00:38:11,748 --> 00:38:15,543
The democratic process has
worked. The only sour note:
612
00:38:15,627 --> 00:38:19,214
They won't end up with the
person they voted for to be president.
613
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:23,134
But we can celebrate the process,
the democratic process we hold so dear,
614
00:38:23,218 --> 00:38:26,888
will have worked efficiently. Effectively.
Everybody's gonna be satisfied,
615
00:38:26,971 --> 00:38:31,810
unless somebody discloses,
indiscriminately, willy-nilly.
616
00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,437
In which case, it'll appear that
democracy's in the shithouse,
617
00:38:34,521 --> 00:38:36,898
and by tomorrow,
Delacroy will be nonexistent.
618
00:38:36,981 --> 00:38:39,025
- Was that your motive?
- No.
619
00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:42,320
America votes. A
leader is chosen.
620
00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:45,698
But one thing can
disturb this beatific vision.
621
00:38:45,782 --> 00:38:47,867
I just wanna be truthful.
622
00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:50,870
Perception of legitimacy's more
important than legitimacy itself.
623
00:38:50,954 --> 00:38:54,457
That's the greater truth.
Don't fuck with our democracy.
624
00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:56,334
Don't undermine our way of life.
625
00:38:56,417 --> 00:38:58,461
What's at the heart and
soul of every American?
626
00:38:58,545 --> 00:39:01,506
They believe that their vote counts.
You want to tell them that's not true?
627
00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:04,676
But the results of the
election will be wrong.
628
00:39:04,759 --> 00:39:07,512
- One candidate will win because of error.
- He will?
629
00:39:07,595 --> 00:39:09,222
- How do we know that?
- I'm telling you.
630
00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:13,101
Based on what? Guessing.
This is your project, Eleanor.
631
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:17,605
If you wanna tinker with it, for
future elections, I encourage you.
632
00:39:17,689 --> 00:39:21,901
The Delacroy Voting System is your baby.
You're a perfectionist. I support you.
633
00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:26,281
You wanna make it more
perfect. But do it alone.
634
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:30,243
And with an eye to the future,
because it's the future that interests us.
635
00:39:30,326 --> 00:39:31,953
Now is the past.
636
00:39:34,330 --> 00:39:39,043
As I understand it,
there's no problem.
637
00:39:55,518 --> 00:39:57,312
And?
638
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:00,857
And...
639
00:40:17,707 --> 00:40:22,337
- They seem to like this guy Dobbs.
- Oh, Danny, please.
640
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:25,465
- This is all part of the same error?
- Yes.
641
00:40:26,549 --> 00:40:28,301
I'm going home.
642
00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:33,640
Well, I don't know if she's
enrolled in the program,
643
00:40:33,723 --> 00:40:36,517
- I'll tell you that.
- What does my legal counsel suggest then?
644
00:40:36,601 --> 00:40:38,436
I'm gonna make a phone call.
645
00:40:39,479 --> 00:40:41,522
There was research
done a year ago
646
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:45,276
saying more and more people are
getting their political news from Leno,
647
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:49,739
Letterman, Jon Stewart,
Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher
648
00:40:49,822 --> 00:40:52,700
more than from newspapers
and actual news programs.
649
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:55,453
There you go. My
thoughts exactly.
650
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:58,748
You're kidding me? Oh, come on!
651
00:40:58,831 --> 00:41:01,250
It should be on the
news any minute.
652
00:41:01,334 --> 00:41:04,379
It looks like we're gonna
take North Carolina.
653
00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:07,298
What? And Indiana?
654
00:41:07,382 --> 00:41:08,716
You're sure?
655
00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:12,303
Oh, this is so insane.
Insanity. It's sweet insanity!
656
00:41:12,387 --> 00:41:14,555
And Indiana goes to Dobbs.
657
00:41:17,225 --> 00:41:21,104
It's just been confirmed that
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.
658
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:26,067
If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won
every state where he's been on the ballot.
659
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:28,528
Comedian Tom Dobbs
wins the Sunshine State.
660
00:41:28,611 --> 00:41:31,447
So, New York wants a comedian
as president of the United States.
661
00:41:31,531 --> 00:41:34,259
Comedian Tom Dobbs declared
winner..- Another big win for Tom Dobbs...
662
00:41:34,283 --> 00:41:38,538
With 99 percent of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.
663
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:41,874
The funnyman has
conquered the Lone Star State.
664
00:41:41,958 --> 00:41:43,710
According to my calculations,
665
00:41:43,793 --> 00:41:47,630
comedian Tom Dobbs has got
146 electoral votes right now.
666
00:41:47,714 --> 00:41:48,631
He's got them.
667
00:41:48,715 --> 00:41:53,052
There are five states to be counted
where he's on the ballot, out of the 13.
668
00:41:53,136 --> 00:41:56,556
And it's possible, if
he takes all five states,
669
00:41:56,639 --> 00:42:00,435
that could put Dobbs over
the top of the 270 needed.
670
00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:03,438
I believe my figures are
correct, but it's a possibility.
671
00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:06,858
Not a likely possibility,
but it's a possibility.
672
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,781
This is the happiest
night of my life.
673
00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:17,118
And I can't stay awake.
674
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:23,249
Our exit polls have only, in
some cases, proven accurate.
675
00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:26,169
Perhaps voters are keeping their
voting choices close to the vest.
676
00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:31,340
Now, Senator Mills has
very strong numbers,
677
00:42:31,424 --> 00:42:34,635
but not strong enough
to beat President Kellogg.
678
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,764
In fact, the incumbent
has beaten Senator Mills
679
00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:41,392
in every state where they've
been going one-on-one.
680
00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:44,145
Legislative debates help
third-party candidates,
681
00:42:44,228 --> 00:42:46,731
and it really, really
helped Dobbs a lot.
682
00:42:46,814 --> 00:42:48,948
If you remember
in '92, we all thought
683
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:51,444
Perot going into the
debates would end up...
684
00:43:20,515 --> 00:43:23,559
They are still confident
of an election victory.
685
00:43:23,643 --> 00:43:26,729
Tom Dobbs has been gaining
momentum since the debate.
686
00:43:26,813 --> 00:43:30,316
Now, right after the debate,
there was a mixed reaction,
687
00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:36,280
but what we've seen since is the public
sees him as a candidate for change.
688
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:40,034
And he has been formidable, as
we've seen in these numbers tonight.
689
00:43:41,202 --> 00:43:44,372
We are now going to go
live back to Election Central,
690
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:46,582
where Chris Matthews
is standing by-
691
00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:49,669
- Chris?
- Hold on to your hats, folks.
692
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:54,423
Tom Dobbs has gotten
275 electoral votes.
693
00:43:56,175 --> 00:44:02,473
Comedian Tom Dobbs is the
next president of the United States.
694
00:44:13,234 --> 00:44:15,319
At 1:23 East Coast time,
695
00:44:15,403 --> 00:44:19,282
comedian Tom Dobbs has been
elected president of the United States.
696
00:44:19,991 --> 00:44:24,370
The free world will now
be led by a comedian.
697
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:50,938
Mr. President. Donald
Tilson, Secret Service.
698
00:44:51,022 --> 00:44:52,273
I'll be taking over.
699
00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,861
You don't find this
a little bit absurd?
700
00:45:02,325 --> 00:45:04,535
Thanks for your honesty.
701
00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:06,704
Always been a big
fan of your work, sir.
702
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:18,591
Jack, you're the manager of
the president of the United States.
703
00:45:20,927 --> 00:45:23,721
Comedy Store to the White House.
704
00:45:25,681 --> 00:45:28,184
We've got to look into the
issue of computer fraud.
705
00:45:28,267 --> 00:45:30,102
We've had problems
in other states.
706
00:45:30,186 --> 00:45:32,396
Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,
707
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:37,443
where it's not only questions of
malfunction but questions of legitimacy.
708
00:45:37,526 --> 00:45:39,570
Are these computers hackable?
709
00:45:39,654 --> 00:45:41,948
Everyone knows
there isn't a paper trail.
710
00:45:42,031 --> 00:45:44,575
It's not the way the
Delacroy system is set up.
711
00:45:44,659 --> 00:45:45,993
Congress knew that-
712
00:45:46,077 --> 00:45:50,957
Face it, the reality is a comedian was
elected president of the United States.
713
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:53,042
Case closed, end of discussion-
714
00:45:59,507 --> 00:46:02,051
Have you given any thought
to the make-up of your cabinet?
715
00:46:02,134 --> 00:46:04,929
I looked at the IKEA catalog
and didn't see anything I liked,
716
00:46:05,012 --> 00:46:08,641
but I'm hoping for, maybe, a
dark walnut with a nice veneer.
717
00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:10,893
What was your vice
president's response?
718
00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:12,353
Shocked as the rest of us.
719
00:46:12,436 --> 00:46:15,439
"Guess I'll clear my calendar
for the next four years."
720
00:46:15,523 --> 00:46:18,192
- Can we get back to the cabinet?
- Certainly.
721
00:46:18,276 --> 00:46:22,905
It will be diverse including Republicans,
Democrats and people of no affiliation.
722
00:46:22,989 --> 00:46:26,617
I want diversity. I believe
democracy is a collision of ideas.
723
00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:29,954
I'm not of the school that if
you're not for us, you're against us.
724
00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:33,958
That being said, if I had my
druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.
725
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:37,336
May not accomplish more, but fun to think
about what they do behind closed doors.
726
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:40,840
Thank you, everyone. We're on
our way to Washington. Wish us luck.
727
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:43,301
It'll be an adventure
and you're all part of it.
728
00:46:59,442 --> 00:47:02,278
- Hello?
- Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
729
00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:05,114
If you paid more attention
instead of daydreaming.
730
00:47:06,365 --> 00:47:08,492
Sorry. Give me a
cappuccino, please.
731
00:47:08,576 --> 00:47:09,576
Sure.
732
00:47:12,246 --> 00:47:13,289
Angus. Cappuccino.
733
00:47:13,372 --> 00:47:17,335
- Can't you see he's busy getting mine?
- I was giving him my order.
734
00:47:17,418 --> 00:47:19,670
- It's not a big deal.
- It's really not.
735
00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:22,673
Apparently it is, because
this is taking forever.
736
00:47:22,757 --> 00:47:25,468
- It's forever.
- Hold your horses.
737
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:30,848
- Angus, do you have those cookies I like?
- Can you just let me get my cappuccino?
738
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,685
Okay.
739
00:47:34,769 --> 00:47:37,480
Didn't realize you
were such a bitch.
740
00:47:41,067 --> 00:47:43,402
Anytime this millennium
would be terrific.
741
00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:46,322
Thanks.
742
00:47:46,405 --> 00:47:48,574
- Cappuccino?
- Yes. Thanks.
743
00:48:22,775 --> 00:48:24,318
Oh... ow...
744
00:48:27,196 --> 00:48:28,531
Shit.
745
00:48:28,614 --> 00:48:30,408
Shit. Shit.
746
00:48:30,491 --> 00:48:32,368
- Let me give you a hand.
- I got it.
747
00:48:32,451 --> 00:48:35,287
- Let me take care of it.
- I got it. I got it!
748
00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:38,332
- It's no...
- I got it!
749
00:48:39,417 --> 00:48:42,795
- I got it.
- Okay.
750
00:48:42,878 --> 00:48:45,423
I got it. I got it. I got it.
751
00:48:45,506 --> 00:48:47,466
- Who stole my purse?
- Ellie.
752
00:48:47,550 --> 00:48:49,051
Ellie, it's right here.
753
00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,846
Did you empty out my purse?
754
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:57,435
Did you touch my things?
755
00:48:57,518 --> 00:48:59,854
- No.
- You touched my things.
756
00:49:04,108 --> 00:49:06,277
I can't believe you
touched my things.
757
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:08,529
- Ellie, I didn't...
- You touched my things.
758
00:49:08,612 --> 00:49:11,574
What's wrong with you?
759
00:49:11,657 --> 00:49:13,367
He went through my things!
760
00:49:18,831 --> 00:49:20,291
Damn it.
761
00:49:23,210 --> 00:49:24,879
I made a mess.
762
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:26,922
I've made a mess.
763
00:49:27,006 --> 00:49:28,841
I've made such a mess.
764
00:49:28,924 --> 00:49:31,302
I've made such a
mess, but it's my mess.
765
00:49:31,385 --> 00:49:33,262
- And I'm gonna clean it up.
- Okay.
766
00:49:33,345 --> 00:49:35,764
I'm gonna clean up my mess.
767
00:49:35,848 --> 00:49:38,642
Mess. And I'll clean it up.
768
00:49:38,726 --> 00:49:42,146
It's my mess... my mess...
769
00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,523
Ellie, do you want
me to get some help?
770
00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:48,319
- My mess.
- Can someone call 911?
771
00:49:59,914 --> 00:50:02,458
We have a deadline in
terms of appointments.
772
00:50:02,541 --> 00:50:07,421
There are 8,000 slots to be filled,
1,500 require Senate confirmation.
773
00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:11,884
- Do we know that many incompetent people?
- Well, in L.A., maybe.
774
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:14,637
Oh, and over 400 just
for core White House staff.
775
00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:20,226
We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary
positions, or float some possible choices.
776
00:50:20,309 --> 00:50:23,812
Off the top of my head, Bruce
Springsteen as Secretary of State.
777
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:29,485
- Joke.
- Little one. Little joke.
778
00:50:29,568 --> 00:50:33,197
Sorry. I'm just a little
nervous, guys. I do care.
779
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:35,950
- Hope this works.
- Oh, it'll work.
780
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:37,826
I think.
781
00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:53,425
Thank you. Sorry I'm late.
My horse pulled up lame.
782
00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:00,683
Thank you. Nice tie.
783
00:51:00,766 --> 00:51:04,603
President-elect Tom Dobbs paid
an impromptu visit to Congress
784
00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:07,565
and brought down the
House with laughter.
785
00:51:07,648 --> 00:51:12,403
As word spread quickly, more and more
members of Congress left their offices
786
00:51:12,486 --> 00:51:15,406
to see Dobbs'
costumed visit firsthand-
787
00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:17,992
That reception
was extraordinary.
788
00:51:18,075 --> 00:51:21,787
I will try and be brief. I know
Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.
789
00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:25,249
It should be duly
noted, chairman,
790
00:51:25,332 --> 00:51:29,878
that this is not a scheduled visit.
It's not on the docket. It's not official.
791
00:51:29,962 --> 00:51:33,215
So, no rules have been
violated, it's just our little secret
792
00:51:33,299 --> 00:51:36,051
between you, me
and the world media.
793
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:39,471
I also have some
disturbing news.
794
00:51:39,555 --> 00:51:46,353
I took a poll, and one-third of Congress
thought this was the present fashion.
795
00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:49,690
Other third thought I
looked like Barbara Bush...
796
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:52,860
I'm looking at the toxicology
report. It's overwhelming.
797
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:58,407
She's got Benzedrine, morphine,
codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.
798
00:51:58,490 --> 00:52:01,201
Historians have written
that our founding fathers
799
00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:03,746
were brilliant and
courageous men,
800
00:52:03,829 --> 00:52:06,373
but they sometimes
made difficult decisions,
801
00:52:06,457 --> 00:52:09,460
sometimes had to pass
unpopular legislation.
802
00:52:09,543 --> 00:52:14,548
What will they think about us 200
years from now? About this Congress?
803
00:52:14,632 --> 00:52:20,012
Will they say that you're brave
and brilliant? Courageous?
804
00:52:20,095 --> 00:52:22,890
Will your legacy be as
extraordinary as theirs?
805
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,018
We have a lot to live up to.
806
00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:27,645
I think we can do it.
807
00:52:27,728 --> 00:52:29,938
I know we can do it.
808
00:52:31,940 --> 00:52:33,942
You can't just say
it didn't happen.
809
00:52:34,026 --> 00:52:36,070
I want to deal
with the problems.
810
00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:39,782
When have you ever known
me to ever take any kind of drugs?
811
00:52:39,865 --> 00:52:41,367
I'm even afraid of Nyquil.
812
00:52:44,787 --> 00:52:46,705
I got a promotion.
813
00:52:46,789 --> 00:52:50,668
- They're sending me to Ireland.
- Oh, Danny.
814
00:52:50,751 --> 00:52:53,671
- What?
- They're just trying to pay you off.
815
00:52:53,754 --> 00:52:57,132
They don't want you talking
about the computer problems.
816
00:53:00,636 --> 00:53:03,347
Got to let people know
the election's a fraud.
817
00:53:04,348 --> 00:53:07,351
- Do you think anybody will believe you?
- Sure. Why not?
818
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:11,230
Because you flipped out and you're
in a hospital and you're on drugs?
819
00:53:11,313 --> 00:53:12,815
- I don't do drugs.
- Cocaine?
820
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:16,235
I don't do drugs. I
don't do drugs. I don't.
821
00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:18,316
Who believes you?
Who's gonna believe you?
822
00:53:18,328 --> 00:53:19,196
There's problems.
823
00:53:19,279 --> 00:53:21,448
Education, healthcare,
824
00:53:21,532 --> 00:53:25,244
inner cities, infrastructure,
environmental issues.
825
00:53:25,327 --> 00:53:26,662
That's what's before us.
826
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:28,497
- He will.
- Our legacy will be...
827
00:53:42,052 --> 00:53:43,887
Turn left.
828
00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:45,597
Okay.
829
00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:56,817
- Talk to me, baby, talk to me.
- Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.
830
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:58,444
Okay.
831
00:53:59,445 --> 00:54:01,822
FBI. FBI.
832
00:54:02,865 --> 00:54:04,116
FBI.
833
00:54:05,117 --> 00:54:06,702
FBI.
834
00:54:08,454 --> 00:54:09,580
FBI.
835
00:54:10,456 --> 00:54:14,626
I am now the manager of the
president-elect of the United States.
836
00:54:14,710 --> 00:54:20,716
Fifteen percent of the president's salary
is nothing to what Dobbs normally makes.
837
00:54:20,799 --> 00:54:24,511
This is a monetary sacrifice
I am willing to make since
838
00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:28,557
I am now the first show-business
manager ever to handle a president.
839
00:54:30,392 --> 00:54:33,061
♪ The way you wear your hat ♪
840
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:37,691
♪ The way you sip your tea ♪
841
00:54:37,775 --> 00:54:39,318
♪ The memory of all that... ♪
842
00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:48,869
Oh, I wish I could walk.
843
00:54:53,832 --> 00:54:55,626
Oh, man.
844
00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:02,174
Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.
845
00:55:03,175 --> 00:55:05,260
Eleanor Green, FBI.
846
00:55:05,344 --> 00:55:07,971
Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.
847
00:55:08,055 --> 00:55:11,391
- Everything all right?
- Oh, just fine.
848
00:55:11,475 --> 00:55:12,476
Just fine.
849
00:55:13,519 --> 00:55:17,439
I'm just here just making
sure everything's secured.
850
00:55:22,653 --> 00:55:25,781
I probably shouldn't have
introduced myself. I'm sorry.
851
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,074
No, you have to.
852
00:55:28,450 --> 00:55:32,871
- Anyway, happy birthday again.
- Again? Did another year just pass?
853
00:55:32,955 --> 00:55:35,749
I taught Tom everything
he knows about comedy.
854
00:55:35,833 --> 00:55:38,460
- Except how to be funny.
- I can see that.
855
00:55:38,544 --> 00:55:40,712
A put-down from the FBI.
856
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:44,091
- No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
- Come on now, please.
857
00:55:44,174 --> 00:55:47,386
He's annoying when he's
happy. It's an old Irish tradition.
858
00:55:48,846 --> 00:55:50,722
- You wanna dance?
- I don't dance.
859
00:55:50,806 --> 00:55:52,850
They didn't teach you
to dance at the FBI?
860
00:55:52,933 --> 00:55:56,186
J. Edgar Hoover was
a wonderful dancer.
861
00:55:56,270 --> 00:55:59,231
Fat, but light on his feet.
862
00:56:03,151 --> 00:56:06,238
Could we just talk and not move?
863
00:56:07,865 --> 00:56:09,116
Sure.
864
00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:29,636
What do you do when you're
not pretending to be an FBI agent?
865
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:35,601
- It's that apparent?
- Yeah.
866
00:56:37,019 --> 00:56:39,605
You're not concerned?
Me crashing the party?
867
00:56:39,688 --> 00:56:42,065
Please. I've played
in clubs for years.
868
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:45,027
Had to deal with drunks,
hecklers, and angry waitresses,
869
00:56:45,110 --> 00:56:47,112
one of which is my ex-wife.
870
00:56:47,195 --> 00:56:50,741
I have an eye for that and you
wouldn't be on my dangerous list.
871
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:52,117
Good.
872
00:56:53,118 --> 00:56:54,453
- That's good.
- Yeah.
873
00:56:54,536 --> 00:56:59,750
Besides, Secret Service already
flagged you and I said you were okay.
874
00:57:13,639 --> 00:57:16,266
- Too fast?
- No, I'm fine.
875
00:57:16,350 --> 00:57:20,020
- No...
- So, what do you really do?
876
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:21,897
Um...
877
00:57:21,980 --> 00:57:26,860
Well, I did work for
Delacroy Voting Systems.
878
00:57:26,944 --> 00:57:30,072
But they had... cutbacks.
879
00:57:30,155 --> 00:57:32,574
I... Laid off.
880
00:57:32,658 --> 00:57:36,036
Laid off? I thought they were
making big bucks. That's weird.
881
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:39,122
Well, it was a small
cutback, actually.
882
00:57:39,206 --> 00:57:42,542
It was a very small
cutback, actually. Just me.
883
00:57:42,626 --> 00:57:46,171
Oh, so would "fired" be more
appropriate than "cutback"?
884
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,757
Well, if you wanna be picky.
885
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:52,260
- Oh, picky.
- With words, then yes.
886
00:57:52,344 --> 00:57:55,138
Then I guess "fired."
887
00:57:55,222 --> 00:57:58,725
"Fired" would be it.
888
00:57:58,809 --> 00:58:00,644
May I ask why?
889
00:58:03,772 --> 00:58:06,316
- Oh, none of my business.
- It is.
890
00:58:10,112 --> 00:58:14,157
You're having such a good
time. I don't wanna spoil it.
891
00:58:14,241 --> 00:58:17,911
- You have to do the birthday toast now.
- I'll be right there. Yeah.
892
00:58:18,912 --> 00:58:22,791
Listen. We're staffing
up right now and...
893
00:58:22,874 --> 00:58:24,751
- Staffing up?
- Yeah.
894
00:58:24,835 --> 00:58:27,504
Tom, 60 seconds, okay?
895
00:58:27,587 --> 00:58:30,382
- Staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.
- Okay.
896
00:58:30,465 --> 00:58:32,884
- That's not why I'm here.
- That's all right.
897
00:58:32,968 --> 00:58:34,678
This is my personal cell.
898
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:38,682
And, you know, if you need
anything, you call. Okay?
899
00:58:50,318 --> 00:58:53,405
Yeah! Yes, indeed!
900
00:58:53,488 --> 00:58:55,866
To Jack Menken, a
man who once said:
901
00:58:55,949 --> 00:59:00,912
"If Mama Cass shared a sandwich
with Karen Carpenter, they'd be alive."
902
00:59:00,996 --> 00:59:03,290
I... I'm sorry.
903
00:59:04,416 --> 00:59:08,503
He's so sensitive, someone once asked,
"What do you think of gay marriage?"
904
00:59:08,587 --> 00:59:12,257
He said, "Gays have a right to
be as miserable as the rest of us."
905
00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:16,136
To Jack Menken, an
incredible human being.
906
00:59:16,219 --> 00:59:18,305
- A great manager.
- A great manager.
907
00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:20,223
- Made you a star.
- Mm-hm.
908
00:59:20,307 --> 00:59:24,394
Made you the president, and by
doing so has put me out of work.
909
00:59:24,478 --> 00:59:26,938
- God love him.
- God bless Jack Menken!
910
00:59:31,234 --> 00:59:33,612
♪ Well, my heart knows me
better Than I know myself ♪
911
00:59:33,695 --> 00:59:36,198
♪ So I'm gonna let
it do all the talking ♪
912
00:59:36,281 --> 00:59:40,452
♪ Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ♪
913
00:59:40,535 --> 00:59:42,996
♪ I came across a place
In the middle of nowhere ♪
914
00:59:43,080 --> 00:59:45,290
♪ With a big black
horse and a cherry tree ♪
915
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:49,336
♪ Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ♪
916
00:59:49,419 --> 00:59:54,549
♪ But I said Big black
horse and a cherry tree ♪
917
00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:59,638
♪ I can't quite get there
'Cause my heart forsaken me ♪
918
00:59:59,721 --> 01:00:04,142
♪ Big black horse
and a cherry tree ♪
919
01:00:04,226 --> 01:00:07,938
♪ I can't quite get there
'Cause my heart forsaken me ♪
920
01:00:10,232 --> 01:00:13,276
- Danny, hi.
- Hey. Where the hell are you?
921
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,779
Are you alone? This
is your cell phone?
922
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:19,533
- Yeah, why? What's going on?
- Paranoid, I guess.
923
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:22,202
I got a chance to
meet him. Dobbs.
924
01:00:23,787 --> 01:00:26,373
You didn't tell him,
did you? I mean...
925
01:00:26,456 --> 01:00:29,167
No, but he should
know, don't you think?
926
01:00:29,251 --> 01:00:30,919
Let it go. Just
put it behind you.
927
01:00:31,002 --> 01:00:33,356
Nothing good can possibly come
from revealing what happened.
928
01:00:33,380 --> 01:00:36,675
Is anyone figuring out what
happened with the system?
929
01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:40,554
I don't know. It's not the sort
of thing that I'd hear about.
930
01:00:40,637 --> 01:00:44,266
They'd go through the private
channels for that sort of thing.
931
01:00:45,267 --> 01:00:46,810
Ellie?
932
01:00:46,893 --> 01:00:48,770
Good night, Danny.
933
01:00:53,608 --> 01:00:56,194
James Hemmings'
office. Is Mr. Hemmings in?
934
01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:58,947
- This is Tom Dobbs.
- Just a minute.
935
01:00:59,030 --> 01:01:00,282
Mm-hm?
936
01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:02,826
It's a Tom Dobbs.
937
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,662
Is that the Tom Dobbs,
president-elect Dobbs?
938
01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:08,165
- Well, did you ask?
- No.
939
01:01:08,248 --> 01:01:09,749
I was too embarrassed to.
940
01:01:09,833 --> 01:01:11,251
All right.
941
01:01:13,420 --> 01:01:14,629
James Hemmings.
942
01:01:14,713 --> 01:01:16,715
James. Tom Dobbs,
president-elect.
943
01:01:17,549 --> 01:01:19,968
Ah, yes, sir. Yeah, of course.
944
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:22,762
I know this is a little
out of the ordinary,
945
01:01:22,846 --> 01:01:25,932
but did you have an employee
named Eleanor Green?
946
01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:29,186
Uh, yeah. Um, is
something wrong?
947
01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:31,188
I need some information.
948
01:01:31,271 --> 01:01:33,773
Strictly confidential.
Just between you and me.
949
01:01:34,900 --> 01:01:37,819
I mean, well, where do I begin?
950
01:01:37,903 --> 01:01:40,155
I know that she was
fired by Delacroy.
951
01:01:41,907 --> 01:01:44,326
Look, I'm a little
confused. Is she, uh...?
952
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:47,162
- Is she applying for a job with you?
- No.
953
01:01:47,245 --> 01:01:49,247
Did you meet with
her personally?
954
01:01:49,331 --> 01:01:53,376
That's how I knew that she was a
Delacroy employee and she was fired.
955
01:01:53,460 --> 01:01:56,755
Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?
956
01:01:56,838 --> 01:01:57,756
Add what?
957
01:01:57,839 --> 01:02:00,634
Did she mention that she
had a bad drug problem?
958
01:02:00,717 --> 01:02:05,388
- She had a breakdown and was hospitalized.
- No, she didn't mention that.
959
01:02:05,472 --> 01:02:09,142
Yeah, I'm surprised she's there.
She should be in drug rehab.
960
01:02:09,226 --> 01:02:11,853
Weird. She doesn't
seem like the type.
961
01:02:11,937 --> 01:02:13,897
Do you know how
I might reach her?
962
01:02:14,898 --> 01:02:18,902
- I guess we both have a problem.
- Yeah, yeah.
963
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:21,321
If I hear anything,
I'll contact you.
964
01:02:21,404 --> 01:02:25,242
Delacroy completed a deal with
the European Common Market
965
01:02:25,325 --> 01:02:28,078
which will invest in their
computer voting system.
966
01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:33,333
With this announcement, Delacroy stock
has jumped 37 percent on the big board.
967
01:02:33,416 --> 01:02:36,044
Whoo! Come on!
968
01:02:37,545 --> 01:02:38,880
S.
969
01:02:38,964 --> 01:02:41,174
- Yeah, there are two of them.
- All right.
970
01:02:43,134 --> 01:02:45,178
- Nine-hundred.
- N.
971
01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:48,431
Yeah, two N's- That'll get
you on the board with $1,800.
972
01:02:55,522 --> 01:02:57,857
- Eight-hundred.
- I?
973
01:02:57,941 --> 01:03:01,319
Yeah, there are two of them.
You have almost $3,000-
974
01:03:01,403 --> 01:03:04,447
I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'd like to buy an I.
975
01:03:04,531 --> 01:03:06,116
Well, there are two I's.
976
01:03:10,453 --> 01:03:13,665
- It's a good time to find a letter or two.
- M.
977
01:03:13,748 --> 01:03:16,042
Or three. Yes.
978
01:03:21,381 --> 01:03:23,842
Double G's before double I's.
979
01:03:27,053 --> 01:03:29,723
Double B's before double G's.
980
01:03:35,562 --> 01:03:37,814
Yes! Yes!
981
01:03:41,443 --> 01:03:43,194
Double G's before double I's.
982
01:03:44,612 --> 01:03:47,949
Double B's before double G's.
983
01:03:50,702 --> 01:03:52,537
It's alphabetical.
984
01:03:55,665 --> 01:03:57,459
It's alphabetical.
985
01:03:59,127 --> 01:04:02,213
You mean to tell me we
didn't shut down her access
986
01:04:02,297 --> 01:04:04,299
- when we let her go?
- Evidently not.
987
01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:07,802
- That's smart.
- Her ID's showing up in the log.
988
01:04:07,886 --> 01:04:10,972
She's been in the mainframe,
around the code depository.
989
01:04:11,056 --> 01:04:15,101
- Do we know where she is?
- Not yet, but we will.
990
01:04:15,185 --> 01:04:17,729
- What's the matter?
- You know. I'm unhappy.
991
01:04:17,812 --> 01:04:19,898
You're unhappy about what?
992
01:04:19,981 --> 01:04:23,943
- What do you think I'm unhappy about?
- You agreed to play the turkey.
993
01:04:24,027 --> 01:04:25,027
I never agreed.
994
01:04:25,070 --> 01:04:27,322
It's not a big deal.
All you do is cluck.
995
01:04:27,405 --> 01:04:30,408
First of all, we don't
cluck, we gobble, okay?
996
01:04:30,492 --> 01:04:33,161
If it's not a big deal,
you be the turkey.
997
01:04:33,244 --> 01:04:35,747
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Come on.
998
01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:37,957
- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah.
999
01:04:39,459 --> 01:04:40,335
Tom here.
1000
01:04:40,418 --> 01:04:42,754
Hi- TOM: Eleanor, is that you?
1001
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:44,397
- Yes.
- How do you turn the music down?
1002
01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:49,552
We're having a post-Thanksgiving
outing. Can I pick you up?
1003
01:04:49,636 --> 01:04:53,890
An outing? No, I had
something I had to tell you.
1004
01:04:53,973 --> 01:04:56,476
Good, good. Give me an address-
1005
01:05:12,075 --> 01:05:14,911
Eleanor, we're
going paintballing.
1006
01:05:14,994 --> 01:05:18,915
I brought you camouflage
and thermals, it's gonna be cold.
1007
01:05:18,998 --> 01:05:20,500
Follow me, men.
1008
01:05:20,583 --> 01:05:22,961
- What?
- Cold.
1009
01:05:42,188 --> 01:05:43,440
I can't believe it.
1010
01:05:45,942 --> 01:05:48,570
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
1011
01:05:48,653 --> 01:05:50,029
- Are you all right?
- No!
1012
01:06:05,003 --> 01:06:08,214
- I'm out.
- Well, thank God.
1013
01:06:09,215 --> 01:06:10,675
I'm out of ammo!
1014
01:06:15,597 --> 01:06:17,974
The president-elect's
just been shot.
1015
01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:20,226
He's dead. Let's
go round them up.
1016
01:06:20,310 --> 01:06:22,729
What a pleasant way
to spend the day, huh?
1017
01:06:22,812 --> 01:06:24,647
Killing your friends?
1018
01:06:24,731 --> 01:06:27,734
That's all the exercise
I'm ever gonna need.
1019
01:06:28,776 --> 01:06:31,321
- Did that hurt?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1020
01:06:31,404 --> 01:06:33,198
I'm sorry.
1021
01:06:34,657 --> 01:06:36,242
Hey.
1022
01:06:36,326 --> 01:06:40,413
- Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure.
1023
01:06:41,623 --> 01:06:44,667
We have to walk away from
those who have listening devices.
1024
01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:49,964
- Do they have listening devices?
- They can't hear.
1025
01:06:50,048 --> 01:06:52,342
They hear each
other, but not us.
1026
01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:54,302
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1027
01:06:56,387 --> 01:06:58,765
Because I haven't been...
1028
01:07:03,811 --> 01:07:07,106
I haven't been forthright
with you about certain things.
1029
01:07:07,190 --> 01:07:10,109
Maybe "forthright"... God.
1030
01:07:10,193 --> 01:07:15,031
"Forthright" isn't the
word I'm looking for.
1031
01:07:15,114 --> 01:07:18,618
Maybe I haven't disclosed enough,
and that really isn't easy for me
1032
01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:21,329
especially now that I know you.
1033
01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:24,832
I mean, okay, I don't know
you. I mean, I know you...
1034
01:07:24,916 --> 01:07:28,836
I know you because you're Tom
Dobbs, but I don't really know you...
1035
01:07:28,920 --> 01:07:31,923
You got a lot of setup here.
You don't need that much.
1036
01:07:32,006 --> 01:07:35,260
It's too much of a lead-in.
Just the punch line.
1037
01:07:36,344 --> 01:07:39,806
- You're gonna be president.
- Yeah.
1038
01:07:44,978 --> 01:07:47,814
- Maybe that's not so bad.
- I hope.
1039
01:07:50,275 --> 01:07:53,236
Oh, God. I worked at
Delacroy and I worked so hard.
1040
01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:55,530
- Yeah.
- And I cared. I cared so much.
1041
01:07:55,613 --> 01:07:59,742
- I am so full of guilt.
- I can make this a lot easier for you.
1042
01:07:59,826 --> 01:08:01,744
What do you mean? How?
1043
01:08:01,828 --> 01:08:04,747
- Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy.
- What?
1044
01:08:04,831 --> 01:08:09,877
Well, I wanted to find you. I remember
you said you worked at Delacroy.
1045
01:08:09,961 --> 01:08:11,754
I wanted to see you.
1046
01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:15,550
- You did?
- Mm-hm.
1047
01:08:17,802 --> 01:08:20,013
- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.
1048
01:08:21,848 --> 01:08:22,848
Wow.
1049
01:08:26,144 --> 01:08:27,604
God. That's good.
1050
01:08:27,687 --> 01:08:29,939
- Well, good, not so good.
- No, it's good.
1051
01:08:30,023 --> 01:08:32,734
He told me about your
drug problem and...
1052
01:08:34,444 --> 01:08:37,363
Oh, no. No, no, no. I
don't have a drug problem.
1053
01:08:37,447 --> 01:08:40,325
- It's all right.
- Tom, I do not have a drug problem.
1054
01:08:40,408 --> 01:08:45,330
Hey, Tom, I hate to interrupt, but the
Secret Service wants you out by dark.
1055
01:08:45,413 --> 01:08:51,044
By the way, drug dealers have
this place booked until dawn.
1056
01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:54,005
I didn't tell him.
He's making a joke.
1057
01:08:54,088 --> 01:08:56,674
We'll talk about it
later. Honestly, it's okay.
1058
01:08:56,758 --> 01:08:59,719
- There's no drug problem.
- That's all I need to know.
1059
01:08:59,802 --> 01:09:03,056
- There's a lot to discuss here.
- Yeah. I think...
1060
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:08,394
That doesn't look clear to
me. Another 30 minutes?
1061
01:09:08,478 --> 01:09:10,605
- Yeah, maybe.
- The wing is...
1062
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:13,274
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
1063
01:09:13,358 --> 01:09:14,942
We may have a problem here.
1064
01:09:15,026 --> 01:09:17,236
I like it crispy.
1065
01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:20,406
- I like a nice crunchy skin.
- I know, Menken.
1066
01:09:20,490 --> 01:09:22,617
- I just wanna be heard.
- You've been heard.
1067
01:09:22,700 --> 01:09:27,205
- I've produced a lot of turkeys.
- Yes, you have.
1068
01:09:27,288 --> 01:09:31,584
Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress
is in session and no one's there.
1069
01:09:31,668 --> 01:09:35,630
Harkin's speaking about an
amendment to a bill. Place is empty.
1070
01:09:35,713 --> 01:09:37,965
How do you get
people in their seats?
1071
01:09:38,049 --> 01:09:39,926
- They have things to do.
- Like?
1072
01:09:40,009 --> 01:09:44,972
Like, they've got lobbyists to deal with.
Trips the lobbyists have sent them on.
1073
01:09:45,056 --> 01:09:49,310
They've got to go do TV shows to
explain to people what they're not doing
1074
01:09:49,394 --> 01:09:50,937
while they're not there.
1075
01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:55,066
This makes golf look like porn.
1076
01:10:02,490 --> 01:10:04,617
Shouldn't you be giving that up?
1077
01:10:06,661 --> 01:10:09,414
Did you know there were once ads
1078
01:10:09,497 --> 01:10:13,334
that said four out of five doctors
recommend this brand or that brand?
1079
01:10:13,418 --> 01:10:15,503
Come on. You're kidding me.
1080
01:10:15,586 --> 01:10:19,632
- Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
- Said they were good for you.
1081
01:10:19,716 --> 01:10:22,844
There was one
slogan before my time:
1082
01:10:22,927 --> 01:10:25,471
"Not a cough in the carload."
1083
01:10:26,806 --> 01:10:28,725
It's a little too late now.
1084
01:10:30,226 --> 01:10:31,728
I'm sorry.
1085
01:10:44,574 --> 01:10:46,701
You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
1086
01:10:49,162 --> 01:10:51,164
Unfortunately, I do.
1087
01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:53,124
I see that.
1088
01:11:19,150 --> 01:11:20,777
Pass the cranberry sauce please.
1089
01:11:21,944 --> 01:11:23,446
Thank you.
1090
01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:38,336
I have to talk
to you in private.
1091
01:11:38,419 --> 01:11:40,129
- Now?
- Yeah.
1092
01:11:40,213 --> 01:11:41,881
Okay.
1093
01:11:58,231 --> 01:11:59,732
Thanks.
1094
01:12:05,655 --> 01:12:07,907
You've got a great group.
1095
01:12:07,990 --> 01:12:13,246
- Ellie, whatever your problem is...
- What? You can fix my problem?
1096
01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:18,668
Is this the president-elect speaking
or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?
1097
01:12:18,751 --> 01:12:21,170
- Just Tom Dobbs.
- Good.
1098
01:12:21,254 --> 01:12:24,215
Because Tom Dobbs is
not the elected president.
1099
01:12:24,298 --> 01:12:26,300
There. I've said it. Kill me.
1100
01:12:35,309 --> 01:12:36,686
It's true.
1101
01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:41,858
There was a problem with
the computer voting system.
1102
01:12:41,941 --> 01:12:46,821
It's that error that's made you the
next president of the United States.
1103
01:12:46,904 --> 01:12:49,448
- I didn't win?
- Not even close.
1104
01:12:49,532 --> 01:12:51,909
- What do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
1105
01:12:51,993 --> 01:12:55,246
I've been living with
this. I just had to tell you.
1106
01:12:55,329 --> 01:12:57,790
- Do you want to go public?
- I can't.
1107
01:12:57,874 --> 01:13:00,751
I could, but nobody would
believe me. Not anymore.
1108
01:13:00,835 --> 01:13:04,338
But somebody has to know.
Somebody. At least you.
1109
01:13:04,422 --> 01:13:06,757
I mean, I don't know.
Look, I don't know.
1110
01:13:06,841 --> 01:13:10,344
Maybe it is best that
you're the next president
1111
01:13:10,428 --> 01:13:13,222
even if they
didn't vote for you.
1112
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:15,600
Out of curiosity...
1113
01:13:18,102 --> 01:13:20,271
- did you vote for me?
- No.
1114
01:13:20,354 --> 01:13:23,024
I don't vote. To be honest
with you, I don't vote.
1115
01:13:23,107 --> 01:13:26,485
Politicians will say anything
to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded.
1116
01:13:26,569 --> 01:13:28,362
I didn't think you had a chance.
1117
01:13:30,072 --> 01:13:32,909
I'm talking like I'm
concerned. I don't even vote.
1118
01:13:34,744 --> 01:13:38,205
I've gotta talk this over with
Menken. Come on, I want you with me.
1119
01:13:38,289 --> 01:13:39,874
- No, I can't.
- Why not?
1120
01:13:39,957 --> 01:13:42,501
- Tom, I can't!
- Why?
1121
01:13:43,669 --> 01:13:46,255
I had to tell you. You
do with it what you want.
1122
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:55,222
Happy Thanksgiving.
1123
01:13:59,769 --> 01:14:01,646
Happy Thanksgiving.
1124
01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:20,081
Is something wrong?
1125
01:14:23,042 --> 01:14:25,002
You guys have a fight?
1126
01:14:26,837 --> 01:14:31,092
She knows a lot about computers.
More than you ever wanna know, really.
1127
01:14:31,175 --> 01:14:33,302
Should I be impressed?
1128
01:14:35,221 --> 01:14:38,140
It's improbable, me
winning the election.
1129
01:14:38,224 --> 01:14:42,269
Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The
only difference between reality and fiction
1130
01:14:42,353 --> 01:14:45,398
is that fiction needs
to be credible."
1131
01:14:45,481 --> 01:14:48,192
We are, my friend,
in uncharted waters.
1132
01:14:48,275 --> 01:14:50,736
She just told me I
didn't win the election.
1133
01:14:50,820 --> 01:14:52,321
Whoops.
1134
01:14:52,405 --> 01:14:53,698
Computer malfunction.
1135
01:14:55,449 --> 01:14:59,203
- She knows this for sure?
- Yeah.
1136
01:14:59,286 --> 01:15:03,416
She tried to warn the Delacroy
Company and they hid it. Bad for business.
1137
01:15:03,499 --> 01:15:07,920
- You don't believe her, do you?
- I do. It's true.
1138
01:15:08,004 --> 01:15:11,507
I always thought the Nielsen
ratings were full of shit, but this?
1139
01:15:11,590 --> 01:15:13,968
It's hard to believe that
many people watched JAG.
1140
01:15:14,051 --> 01:15:17,596
I never met anybody who'd
say, "Did you see JAG last night?"
1141
01:15:17,680 --> 01:15:20,641
Don't believe her
so quickly, Tom.
1142
01:15:20,725 --> 01:15:24,645
- She knows what she's talking about.
- That's debatable.
1143
01:15:24,729 --> 01:15:28,357
So, what's she gonna do?
1144
01:15:28,441 --> 01:15:31,110
Nothing. She left it up to me.
1145
01:15:31,193 --> 01:15:34,113
Leaving it to you. Delacroy's
not gonna say anything.
1146
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,657
She's not gonna
say anything, so...
1147
01:15:37,783 --> 01:15:40,870
- um, there's no problem.
- No problem?
1148
01:15:40,953 --> 01:15:43,914
- We move on.
- Oh, like nothing happened?
1149
01:15:43,998 --> 01:15:46,375
- Something like that.
- If you tell a joke
1150
01:15:46,459 --> 01:15:50,379
and it stinks but you put a
laugh track, the joke still stinks.
1151
01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:53,841
I'm president, but not really.
1152
01:15:53,924 --> 01:15:55,259
This is where we are.
1153
01:15:55,342 --> 01:15:59,388
You wanna throw
it away or go for it?
1154
01:15:59,472 --> 01:16:03,642
I never told you which gigs to
take, I only advised, but to me
1155
01:16:03,726 --> 01:16:07,605
this decision is a slam dunk.
1156
01:16:09,148 --> 01:16:11,108
Yeah.
1157
01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:26,332
Tom?
1158
01:16:26,415 --> 01:16:30,544
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00, I'm
gonna have a press conference
1159
01:16:30,628 --> 01:16:35,216
and tell the people I'm not the
legitimate president of the United States.
1160
01:16:36,592 --> 01:16:37,885
I'm so sorry.
1161
01:16:39,220 --> 01:16:41,305
I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
1162
01:16:57,738 --> 01:17:01,492
- Danny, I told him.
- Why did you tell him?
1163
01:17:01,575 --> 01:17:05,788
Gah... I had to. And
now I hate myself.
1164
01:17:05,871 --> 01:17:07,123
Does he believe you?
1165
01:17:07,206 --> 01:17:10,084
He's calling a press
conference tomorrow at 11.
1166
01:17:10,167 --> 01:17:14,130
- He's gonna make the whole thing known.
- Oh, shit. Look what you did.
1167
01:17:14,213 --> 01:17:16,465
I wish I hadn't told him.
1168
01:17:16,549 --> 01:17:20,845
I mean, I know I did the right
thing. It was the right thing to do.
1169
01:17:20,928 --> 01:17:23,264
And yet... And yet...
1170
01:17:23,347 --> 01:17:27,977
Maybe I've done the wrong thing,
and how can that possibly be?
1171
01:17:28,978 --> 01:17:31,814
I mean, did I do the right
thing or the wrong thing?
1172
01:17:31,897 --> 01:17:35,442
I know it's the right thing,
and then why do I feel like this?
1173
01:17:40,656 --> 01:17:44,285
We've got to preempt
his press conference.
1174
01:17:47,788 --> 01:17:50,749
And very early tomorrow morning.
1175
01:18:24,033 --> 01:18:27,953
- Press conference set up?
- Yeah. What the hell's going on?
1176
01:18:33,209 --> 01:18:35,461
Jack? Jack?
1177
01:18:35,544 --> 01:18:38,672
A reporter says Delacroy's
going to make an announcement.
1178
01:18:38,756 --> 01:18:41,508
Some story to do
with Eleanor Green.
1179
01:18:41,592 --> 01:18:43,677
This is what we
got going on today.
1180
01:18:43,761 --> 01:18:47,223
The Witches of November. A
winter storm from the Great Lakes.
1181
01:18:47,306 --> 01:18:50,851
That's going to spread one to
three inches of snow across D. C.
1182
01:18:50,935 --> 01:18:54,188
I don't think there's more
than that, not a lot of moisture.
1183
01:18:54,271 --> 01:18:57,608
It's a pretty closed-up system,
and it's gonna move up quickly...
1184
01:18:59,109 --> 01:19:03,197
We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you breaking news.
1185
01:19:03,280 --> 01:19:07,159
We have some dirty laundry
that needs to be addressed.
1186
01:19:07,243 --> 01:19:12,665
Uh, recently, Delacroy had to
dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,
1187
01:19:13,666 --> 01:19:16,502
who was suffering severe
psychological problems.
1188
01:19:16,585 --> 01:19:19,296
We made an effort
to get her medical help
1189
01:19:19,380 --> 01:19:24,551
and discovered she was involved in
the use of barbiturates and cocaine.
1190
01:19:24,635 --> 01:19:28,973
We would have kept this private,
but additional facts have come to light.
1191
01:19:29,056 --> 01:19:33,936
We have evidence Miss Green manipulated the
prototype of our computer voting system.
1192
01:19:36,605 --> 01:19:38,857
- Tom here.
- Turn on the television.
1193
01:19:38,941 --> 01:19:41,068
- What channel?
- Any channel.
1194
01:19:45,072 --> 01:19:47,908
Her motives aren't
quite clear to us.
1195
01:19:47,992 --> 01:19:51,912
Apart from the fact that she
seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs
1196
01:19:51,996 --> 01:19:55,499
to the degree that she tried to
corrupt the system to get him elected.
1197
01:19:59,336 --> 01:20:02,715
We also know the president-elect
has been seen in her presence recently.
1198
01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:05,259
But let me make this very
clear, we're not suggesting
1199
01:20:05,342 --> 01:20:07,803
there was any impropriety
on behalf of the president-elect,
1200
01:20:07,886 --> 01:20:09,888
other than the fact that
he knows this woman.
1201
01:20:09,972 --> 01:20:10,806
Pull over.
1202
01:20:10,889 --> 01:20:12,725
We are a family at Delacroy.
1203
01:20:12,808 --> 01:20:15,477
We have an extensive
health care program
1204
01:20:15,561 --> 01:20:17,521
and lots of people have
1205
01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:20,441
psychological problems, mental
problems, health problems.
1206
01:20:20,524 --> 01:20:22,901
It's not something you
should sweep under the rug,
1207
01:20:22,985 --> 01:20:24,278
you gotta talk about it.
1208
01:20:24,361 --> 01:20:25,738
We believe that strongly
1209
01:20:25,821 --> 01:20:29,616
and we make our best effort to
find out about it as soon as possible
1210
01:20:29,700 --> 01:20:30,784
and to give help.
1211
01:20:30,868 --> 01:20:34,371
The good news is all the computer voting
systems installed in polling stations
1212
01:20:34,455 --> 01:20:36,665
throughout the United
States remain secure.
1213
01:20:36,749 --> 01:20:39,752
Therefore, there were no
irregularities in the election
1214
01:20:39,835 --> 01:20:43,088
and our safeguards
prove to be impenetrable.
1215
01:20:43,172 --> 01:20:45,591
That's all the information
we have at this time.
1216
01:20:45,674 --> 01:20:48,802
Uh, I'll take any questions
now, if you got them. Yes?
1217
01:20:48,886 --> 01:20:51,305
Take a look at this.
Take a look at this.
1218
01:20:51,388 --> 01:20:53,474
Perfect, just perfect.
1219
01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:55,100
She's a piece of work, huh?
1220
01:20:55,184 --> 01:20:58,395
Flipped out in the company
cafeteria on all sorts of drugs,
1221
01:20:58,479 --> 01:20:59,688
clearly a mental case.
1222
01:20:59,772 --> 01:21:03,567
Hospital said she had more
pills in her than a pharmacy.
1223
01:21:03,650 --> 01:21:04,902
I believe her.
1224
01:21:06,487 --> 01:21:08,989
- She didn't seem that crazy to me.
- You're in love with her.
1225
01:21:09,073 --> 01:21:11,825
She could tell you Gandhi ate
hot dogs and you'd believe her.
1226
01:21:11,909 --> 01:21:13,952
Take a look at
this. Take a look.
1227
01:21:14,953 --> 01:21:18,082
If what she says is true,
I'm not the president-elect.
1228
01:21:18,165 --> 01:21:20,834
"If" is becoming
a very large word.
1229
01:21:20,918 --> 01:21:24,838
The first time we met her she
said she was working for the FBI.
1230
01:21:24,922 --> 01:21:28,634
She knew about the computer
fraud but takes three weeks to tell you?
1231
01:21:28,717 --> 01:21:31,762
"By the way, you're not the
president and Happy Thanksgiving."
1232
01:21:31,845 --> 01:21:36,225
If she's not psychotic, she's a
stalker. If she's not a stalker, she's CIA.
1233
01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,977
- Or maybe she's a succubus.
- What's that?
1234
01:21:39,061 --> 01:21:43,315
A succubus is a demon that
sucks the life out of healthy men.
1235
01:21:43,399 --> 01:21:45,401
I was once a healthy man.
1236
01:21:45,484 --> 01:21:48,278
What are you talking
about? Please, stop.
1237
01:21:49,279 --> 01:21:50,948
Don't get off track.
1238
01:22:17,391 --> 01:22:20,602
Can I get change? My dollar
won't work in your machine.
1239
01:22:21,603 --> 01:22:24,440
You're that Ms. Green
from the television.
1240
01:22:24,523 --> 01:22:27,943
I wasn't sure because
you always pay cash.
1241
01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:31,280
- Did your uncle get a hold of you?
- What?
1242
01:22:31,363 --> 01:22:34,741
He was trying to call your
room. He couldn't get through.
1243
01:22:35,742 --> 01:22:38,162
Either way, that
machine doesn't work.
1244
01:23:12,696 --> 01:23:14,448
Yes, sir.
1245
01:23:14,531 --> 01:23:15,574
Yes, sir.
1246
01:23:15,657 --> 01:23:17,284
I'm in her hotel now.
1247
01:23:19,286 --> 01:23:21,121
I think she may have
figured out the glitch.
1248
01:23:33,592 --> 01:23:35,385
Bring it back, bring her back.
1249
01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:36,887
I want constant updates.
1250
01:23:36,970 --> 01:23:39,431
Yes, sir. When I find
her, I know what to do.
1251
01:23:41,808 --> 01:23:44,478
If she's figured out
this computer glitch...
1252
01:23:44,561 --> 01:23:46,647
and goes with that to
the press, we're screwed.
1253
01:23:46,730 --> 01:23:49,691
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
1254
01:23:50,275 --> 01:23:52,611
Mr. President, we have
that luncheon speech
1255
01:23:52,694 --> 01:23:53,946
followed by a meet-and-greet.
1256
01:23:55,989 --> 01:23:58,784
- What do I do?
- Go be presidential.
1257
01:24:15,133 --> 01:24:19,555
Speech today give us any insight
into the Eleanor Green situation?
1258
01:24:21,223 --> 01:24:24,017
Jack, I've been trying to
call her, I can't reach her.
1259
01:24:24,101 --> 01:24:26,812
You have a busy schedule-
Keep your head in that.
1260
01:24:26,895 --> 01:24:29,356
Oh, that's terrific. Hey,
Saturday Night Live
1261
01:24:29,439 --> 01:24:30,899
wants a "Weekend Update."
1262
01:24:30,983 --> 01:24:33,151
- Did I head Saturday Night Live?
- Yeah.
1263
01:24:33,235 --> 01:24:34,653
- Do it.
- Why?
1264
01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:37,614
It's a great opportunity.
You were blinded by love,
1265
01:24:37,698 --> 01:24:39,783
you didn't know she
was popping pills.
1266
01:24:39,866 --> 01:24:44,246
It isn't like you were on some side street
getting head like Hugh what's-his-name.
1267
01:24:44,329 --> 01:24:45,956
You're so sensitive.
1268
01:24:46,039 --> 01:24:48,125
Okay, I'll do it.
1269
01:24:48,208 --> 01:24:49,376
- He'll do it.
- Yeah.
1270
01:24:49,459 --> 01:24:51,878
I'll call you later for details.
1271
01:24:51,962 --> 01:24:55,173
It's hard to believe it's been
a year since we've gathered,
1272
01:24:55,257 --> 01:24:58,885
we are very pleased to have
a most honored guest with us...
1273
01:24:58,969 --> 01:25:03,098
I wrote down some lines for
you. They're fantastic, if I must say.
1274
01:25:03,181 --> 01:25:06,101
- I even threw in a Hitler joke.
- How's that supposed to work?
1275
01:25:06,184 --> 01:25:07,311
You'll see.
1276
01:25:07,394 --> 01:25:08,895
Tom Dobbs.
1277
01:25:10,606 --> 01:25:12,190
Knock them dead.
1278
01:25:21,366 --> 01:25:23,076
Thank you very much.
1279
01:25:23,869 --> 01:25:25,245
I guess...
1280
01:25:25,329 --> 01:25:28,415
we should get this over with
at the beginning because, uh...
1281
01:25:28,498 --> 01:25:32,336
we've all heard there's a
bit of a rumor going around.
1282
01:25:32,419 --> 01:25:36,381
So I'll share the big scoop with
you because, uh, Oprah was booked.
1283
01:25:38,050 --> 01:25:40,302
I'm not even president yet
1284
01:25:40,385 --> 01:25:43,305
and I'm involved in a
scandal with a woman.
1285
01:25:45,974 --> 01:25:47,809
I did not have sex
with that woman.
1286
01:25:49,227 --> 01:25:50,227
I wanted to.
1287
01:25:51,772 --> 01:25:52,772
I'm single.
1288
01:25:53,899 --> 01:25:58,070
And, uh, you've elected a man
as president who is probably...
1289
01:25:58,153 --> 01:26:01,239
the unluckiest man in
the world in that area.
1290
01:26:01,323 --> 01:26:04,785
In high school, most of
my dates were with myself.
1291
01:26:06,662 --> 01:26:09,289
I would take myself out for
dinner, bring myself home,
1292
01:26:09,373 --> 01:26:11,249
put on music that I liked...
1293
01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:14,628
have my way with
myself and then go...
1294
01:26:15,629 --> 01:26:18,048
"Should I drive
myself home now?"
1295
01:26:20,092 --> 01:26:23,136
The bottom line, if I was
in Italy I might get lucky.
1296
01:26:23,220 --> 01:26:26,973
They elected an Italian
porn star to their senate.
1297
01:26:27,057 --> 01:26:30,352
Which is wonderful. There's no
sex scandal there, just great posters.
1298
01:26:31,436 --> 01:26:32,604
And incredible downloads.
1299
01:26:34,523 --> 01:26:37,526
I think that's the bottom
line. In a democracy...
1300
01:26:37,609 --> 01:26:40,320
we can have a certain sense of
humor about ourselves. We have to.
1301
01:26:40,404 --> 01:26:42,948
You're allowed to make
fun of those in power.
1302
01:26:43,907 --> 01:26:45,787
But even in the face of
tyranny there is comedy.
1303
01:26:45,867 --> 01:26:48,078
These two old Jews
were sent to kill Hitler,
1304
01:26:48,161 --> 01:26:50,961
they waited in an alleyway. They
were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30.
1305
01:26:50,997 --> 01:26:55,502
They're there with guns, bombs,
knives. Twelve-thirty, no Hitler.
1306
01:26:55,585 --> 01:26:57,671
Twelve forty-five, no Hitler.
1307
01:26:57,754 --> 01:26:59,423
One o'clock, no Hitler.
1308
01:27:00,424 --> 01:27:04,386
Finally, one turns to the other and
goes, "I hope nothing happened to him."
1309
01:27:06,972 --> 01:27:10,058
It's good to see us back again. The
fact that we could laugh is wonderful.
1310
01:27:10,142 --> 01:27:11,942
The last few years we've
been divided, though.
1311
01:27:12,018 --> 01:27:14,604
Red states, blue states.
1312
01:27:14,688 --> 01:27:18,191
There are no red states and
blue states. Only the United States.
1313
01:27:18,275 --> 01:27:20,026
That's what we're about.
1314
01:27:20,110 --> 01:27:23,697
That's why I say you can't
spend $200 million on a campaign
1315
01:27:23,780 --> 01:27:26,032
and not be owing
people something.
1316
01:27:26,116 --> 01:27:28,827
Next, they have to deal
with the special interest,
1317
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:30,454
they're doing special favors
1318
01:27:30,537 --> 01:27:33,874
for special people, not
dealing with what you need.
1319
01:27:33,957 --> 01:27:36,293
Education, healthcare,
environmental issues.
1320
01:27:36,376 --> 01:27:39,921
They have to deal with oil
companies, chemical companies.
1321
01:27:40,005 --> 01:27:41,631
Drug companies.
1322
01:27:41,715 --> 01:27:43,175
And they owe them.
1323
01:27:43,258 --> 01:27:46,511
And in the process,
people get neglected.
1324
01:27:46,595 --> 01:27:50,682
The poor have no advocate
because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.
1325
01:27:51,683 --> 01:27:54,436
The Statue of Liberty says,
"Give me your tired, your poor."
1326
01:27:54,519 --> 01:27:57,105
Not, "your wealthy, your
gifted and your endowed."
1327
01:28:00,734 --> 01:28:03,737
I worked out your bit with
SNL, they really liked it.
1328
01:28:03,820 --> 01:28:06,323
- Has Eleanor called yet?
- No.
1329
01:28:06,406 --> 01:28:09,743
- She hasn't called me, either.
- You never know with females.
1330
01:28:09,826 --> 01:28:12,370
I had an ex who used to
do enough tranquilizers
1331
01:28:12,454 --> 01:28:14,414
- to put a flock of sheep to sleep.
- Why?
1332
01:28:14,498 --> 01:28:17,626
So she said it made the
sex with me more bearable.
1333
01:28:17,709 --> 01:28:19,836
- Eleanor didn't do drugs.
- Oh, no.
1334
01:28:19,920 --> 01:28:22,464
And ball players don't do
steroids, they just wake up one day
1335
01:28:22,547 --> 01:28:23,548
looking like Mack trucks.
1336
01:28:23,632 --> 01:28:25,432
Pump a little iron, you'll
look like a HUMVEE.
1337
01:28:25,467 --> 01:28:26,927
With little tiny balls.
1338
01:28:27,010 --> 01:28:29,679
Remember, this is a
meet-and-greet and nothing more.
1339
01:28:29,763 --> 01:28:32,808
The house is so
close to the street.
1340
01:28:34,267 --> 01:28:37,646
Whoa! Boy, that's a desk.
1341
01:28:37,729 --> 01:28:39,606
I mean, wow.
1342
01:28:39,689 --> 01:28:42,192
I've never really sat
behind a desk before.
1343
01:28:42,275 --> 01:28:45,612
I mean, the one on the
show is just a prop, but this...
1344
01:28:45,695 --> 01:28:46,947
Where do you do your writing?
1345
01:28:47,030 --> 01:28:49,533
Usually on the back of
a napkin sitting in a bar.
1346
01:28:51,952 --> 01:28:54,329
Well, there's a lot of
history to this desk.
1347
01:28:54,412 --> 01:28:58,458
The first time I sat behind it
I had a sort of nervous chill.
1348
01:28:58,542 --> 01:29:01,503
Some of the greats and
not-so-greats have sat here.
1349
01:29:02,504 --> 01:29:04,130
Please.
1350
01:29:04,214 --> 01:29:05,549
Thank you.
1351
01:29:13,723 --> 01:29:15,809
Excuse me, Mr. President.
1352
01:29:15,892 --> 01:29:17,936
- Hello?
- Tom. Tom.
1353
01:29:18,019 --> 01:29:20,021
Eleanor, uh, hold on.
1354
01:29:20,105 --> 01:29:22,274
Mr. President, I'll
just be a minute.
1355
01:29:22,357 --> 01:29:23,775
Thank you.
1356
01:29:23,859 --> 01:29:26,486
Tom. Two guys broke
into my hotel room.
1357
01:29:26,570 --> 01:29:28,738
- I don't know what to do.
- Who are they?
1358
01:29:28,822 --> 01:29:32,075
They're connected with Delacroy.
They know I broke the code.
1359
01:29:32,158 --> 01:29:33,577
Code? What code?
1360
01:29:33,660 --> 01:29:35,370
I figured out what
caused the glitch.
1361
01:29:35,453 --> 01:29:38,123
- Where are you now?
- I'm in a shopping mall.
1362
01:29:38,206 --> 01:29:39,207
Shopping?
1363
01:29:39,291 --> 01:29:40,709
No, I'm not shopping.
1364
01:29:40,792 --> 01:29:43,336
- Why are you there?
- I didn't know what to do.
1365
01:29:43,420 --> 01:29:44,337
This was safer.
1366
01:29:44,421 --> 01:29:48,091
Mr. President-elect, I'm
on a bit of a tight schedule.
1367
01:29:48,174 --> 01:29:50,427
Listen, Eleanor, I'm
with the president.
1368
01:29:50,510 --> 01:29:51,428
What?
1369
01:29:51,511 --> 01:29:52,846
Uh, I'm with the president
1370
01:29:52,929 --> 01:29:55,348
- in the Oval Office.
- With the president?
1371
01:29:56,349 --> 01:29:57,976
You're in the Oval Office?
1372
01:29:58,977 --> 01:30:01,813
Well, look, Tom, I just
don't know what to do. I'm...
1373
01:30:01,897 --> 01:30:03,690
Hello?
1374
01:30:03,773 --> 01:30:05,567
Hello? Tom? Hello? Hello?
1375
01:30:05,901 --> 01:30:06,901
He...
1376
01:30:09,988 --> 01:30:11,865
Sorry, sir.
1377
01:30:18,371 --> 01:30:19,371
Wow!
1378
01:30:20,874 --> 01:30:22,876
It's been a pleasure. Thank you.
1379
01:30:22,959 --> 01:30:26,338
By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I
never thought you had a chance.
1380
01:30:26,421 --> 01:30:28,632
I underestimated you.
1381
01:30:29,382 --> 01:30:33,803
Just between you and me, Mr. President,
you didn't underestimate me at all.
1382
01:30:41,895 --> 01:30:43,480
Really? Why?
1383
01:30:43,563 --> 01:30:45,482
Oh, but that's so weird.
1384
01:30:45,565 --> 01:30:47,275
I never said anything to him.
1385
01:30:47,359 --> 01:30:49,069
No, he said stuff to me.
1386
01:30:49,152 --> 01:30:52,614
Oh, like, what am I gonna
say back? But... Hold on a sec.
1387
01:30:53,782 --> 01:30:57,327
Hi, sorry to interrupt. I need
a charger for this cell phone.
1388
01:30:57,410 --> 01:30:59,120
For my cigarette lighter.
1389
01:30:59,204 --> 01:31:01,373
We don't stock that anymore.
1390
01:31:01,456 --> 01:31:04,376
- How long have you had that phone?
- Well, it's...
1391
01:31:04,459 --> 01:31:06,544
It's not a relic.
It's a year old.
1392
01:31:06,628 --> 01:31:08,838
There's a problem,
it's a year old.
1393
01:31:15,887 --> 01:31:18,890
Mr. Stewart would like
to see you at Delacroy.
1394
01:31:18,974 --> 01:31:22,227
- Why does he want to see me?
- He just wants to talk to you.
1395
01:31:22,310 --> 01:31:24,521
Reasonable people can
come to reasonable solutions.
1396
01:31:24,604 --> 01:31:27,399
You figured out the glitch, you
should be paid for your work.
1397
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:30,735
The Delacroy jet is waiting at
the private air terminal. I got her.
1398
01:31:41,579 --> 01:31:42,706
Get in.
1399
01:31:43,707 --> 01:31:45,291
Get in.
1400
01:31:59,014 --> 01:32:00,014
Shit!
1401
01:32:06,563 --> 01:32:07,563
Yeah.
1402
01:32:08,523 --> 01:32:11,192
I'm tracking her on her GPS.
1403
01:32:11,860 --> 01:32:12,861
Uh-huh.
1404
01:32:13,570 --> 01:32:14,446
Yes.
1405
01:32:14,529 --> 01:32:17,907
I'll pick her up, bring
her to the airport.
1406
01:32:22,495 --> 01:32:24,039
I just got off with the FBI.
1407
01:32:24,122 --> 01:32:27,584
They'll confirm you had no contact
with Eleanor prior to the election.
1408
01:32:27,667 --> 01:32:31,463
That gets you off the hook in
any attempt to fix the election.
1409
01:32:31,546 --> 01:32:33,798
Gotta get you to
the airport earlier.
1410
01:32:33,882 --> 01:32:35,967
There's a storm moving in.
1411
01:32:49,856 --> 01:32:52,400
Oh, for God's sake.
1412
01:33:14,589 --> 01:33:17,133
Well, after your Saturday
Night Live tonight...
1413
01:33:17,217 --> 01:33:19,511
then I'm gonna be,
uh... heading on.
1414
01:33:19,594 --> 01:33:21,137
Why so soon?
1415
01:33:21,221 --> 01:33:25,183
Menken thinks it's for the best.
No sense postponing the inevitable.
1416
01:33:25,266 --> 01:33:27,519
Will you be disappointed
to go back to TV?
1417
01:33:27,602 --> 01:33:31,022
God, no. I have a glorious
love/hate relationship with TV.
1418
01:33:31,106 --> 01:33:33,108
- How so?
- TV scares me.
1419
01:33:33,191 --> 01:33:36,402
- It makes everything seem credible.
- Why's that so bad?
1420
01:33:36,486 --> 01:33:39,864
If everything seems credible,
then nothing seems credible.
1421
01:33:39,948 --> 01:33:43,451
You know, TV puts everybody
in those boxes, side by side.
1422
01:33:43,535 --> 01:33:46,746
On one side, there's the
certifiable lunatic who says
1423
01:33:46,830 --> 01:33:48,414
the Holocaust never happened.
1424
01:33:48,498 --> 01:33:51,918
And next to him is this
noted honored historian
1425
01:33:52,001 --> 01:33:54,212
who knows all
about the Holocaust.
1426
01:33:54,295 --> 01:33:56,172
And now, there they sit.
1427
01:33:56,256 --> 01:34:00,677
Side by side. They look like equals.
Everything they say seems to be credible.
1428
01:34:00,760 --> 01:34:04,430
And so, as it goes on, nothing
seems credible anymore.
1429
01:34:04,514 --> 01:34:06,266
We just stop listening.
1430
01:34:06,349 --> 01:34:09,561
In the Times, 60 percent of
voters would've voted for Dobbs
1431
01:34:09,644 --> 01:34:12,689
- if they could have.
- Yeah. He sounds different.
1432
01:34:12,772 --> 01:34:14,482
That's why they can hear him.
1433
01:34:42,093 --> 01:34:45,138
- Hello?
- My phone died and some guy's after me.
1434
01:34:45,221 --> 01:34:49,058
- I thought two guys were after you.
- No, this is someone else.
1435
01:34:49,142 --> 01:34:51,561
- Who?
- I assume that he's from Delacroy.
1436
01:34:51,644 --> 01:34:53,271
He has a pick-up truck.
1437
01:34:53,354 --> 01:34:55,523
Eleanor I... I think
you need help.
1438
01:34:55,607 --> 01:34:57,859
He... He tried to
abduct me from the mall.
1439
01:34:57,942 --> 01:34:59,777
From the mall?
1440
01:34:59,861 --> 01:35:01,863
- Okay.
- Look, I... I think it has to do
1441
01:35:01,946 --> 01:35:04,199
with the fact that I
figured everything out.
1442
01:35:06,034 --> 01:35:08,953
She's in a phone
booth of route 173.
1443
01:35:09,037 --> 01:35:12,290
You see, Mills and
Kellogg both have double I's.
1444
01:35:12,373 --> 01:35:14,459
But Kellogg trumps
him with double G's
1445
01:35:14,542 --> 01:35:18,713
- and you trump him with double B's.
- I don't know what that means.
1446
01:35:18,796 --> 01:35:20,423
Listen... where are you?
1447
01:35:20,506 --> 01:35:22,842
I don't know. I don't
know where I am.
1448
01:35:22,926 --> 01:35:26,638
It's dark, there's a factory.
I see a Christmas tree.
1449
01:35:26,721 --> 01:35:28,431
I don't know where I am.
1450
01:35:28,514 --> 01:35:32,769
- What do you want me to do, sir?
- I'm willing to offer big money...
1451
01:35:32,852 --> 01:35:35,063
and she's running away now?
1452
01:35:35,146 --> 01:35:37,106
Why is she running away?
1453
01:35:37,190 --> 01:35:40,026
She's impossible- I don't
know who she's talking to,
1454
01:35:40,109 --> 01:35:43,404
- I don't know what she's saying.
- Go to the airport...
1455
01:35:43,488 --> 01:35:46,032
and go to BWI private terminal.
1456
01:35:46,115 --> 01:35:47,700
There's a plane there.
1457
01:35:47,784 --> 01:35:49,244
I'll take you to New York,
1458
01:35:49,327 --> 01:35:52,830
- and we'll solve your problem.
- Private terminal at the airport?
1459
01:35:52,914 --> 01:35:55,416
I don't know how
to get to the airport.
1460
01:35:55,500 --> 01:35:58,711
All right, I'll try. I'll try and
get there. I'll look at my GPS.
1461
01:36:03,967 --> 01:36:05,260
Hello?
1462
01:36:05,343 --> 01:36:06,803
Eleanor?
1463
01:36:10,390 --> 01:36:14,394
Breaking news. We do know there
has been a very serious traffic accident.
1464
01:36:14,477 --> 01:36:17,855
It is tying up traffic out on the
Baltimore Washington parkway
1465
01:36:17,939 --> 01:36:21,776
where it meets route 495.
And that is the Capital Beltway.
1466
01:36:21,859 --> 01:36:23,778
There has been
one serious injury.
1467
01:36:23,861 --> 01:36:27,699
We have been talking to police,
they have identified the injured woman
1468
01:36:27,782 --> 01:36:29,325
as an Eleanor Green.
1469
01:36:29,409 --> 01:36:31,995
- Oh, my God.
- Yes, if that name sounds familiar,
1470
01:36:32,078 --> 01:36:35,581
- it is the same Eleanor Green...
- Menken. You have to see this.
1471
01:36:38,751 --> 01:36:41,838
We just got a report of an
accident. It's Eleanor Green.
1472
01:36:59,439 --> 01:37:01,190
Not now, please.
1473
01:37:01,274 --> 01:37:02,442
Excuse me.
1474
01:37:04,569 --> 01:37:06,195
- Are you with the ambulance?
- Yes, sir.
1475
01:37:06,279 --> 01:37:07,697
- Eleanor Green?
- She's stable.
1476
01:37:07,780 --> 01:37:08,780
Thank you.
1477
01:37:10,033 --> 01:37:11,033
Not now.
1478
01:37:12,994 --> 01:37:14,162
Mr. President.
1479
01:37:14,245 --> 01:37:15,788
Oh, shit.
1480
01:37:15,872 --> 01:37:18,624
Why does he have to
get himself into this mess?
1481
01:37:30,970 --> 01:37:33,181
Kid driving the truck
is from Pittsburg.
1482
01:37:33,264 --> 01:37:37,060
Apparently lost control on
the ice, went right off the road.
1483
01:37:43,107 --> 01:37:46,361
- We've gotta get to Saturday Night Live.
- There's time.
1484
01:37:57,705 --> 01:38:00,750
Double B... double L...
1485
01:38:00,833 --> 01:38:05,046
double G. Double
B... double L...
1486
01:38:05,129 --> 01:38:06,129
double G.
1487
01:38:06,172 --> 01:38:07,715
Double B...
1488
01:38:09,133 --> 01:38:11,677
double L... double G.
1489
01:38:15,890 --> 01:38:17,016
Double L...
1490
01:38:18,267 --> 01:38:20,311
double G.
1491
01:38:27,485 --> 01:38:29,695
Trying to discredit her.
1492
01:38:29,779 --> 01:38:31,697
She's not psychotic, okay?
1493
01:38:32,990 --> 01:38:34,867
I believe her.
Look what they did.
1494
01:38:34,951 --> 01:38:38,287
Last night you were willing to give
it up. Now you wanna do it again.
1495
01:38:38,371 --> 01:38:39,205
Listen.
1496
01:38:39,288 --> 01:38:41,124
Police said a truck
went out of control.
1497
01:38:41,207 --> 01:38:44,293
- She was trying to tell me.
- It was snowing.
1498
01:38:44,377 --> 01:38:46,796
She said she knew what
the computer glitch was.
1499
01:38:46,879 --> 01:38:49,632
The way she is now, it'll be a
couple days before we can find out.
1500
01:38:49,715 --> 01:38:51,342
Where's the proof? Some proof.
1501
01:38:51,426 --> 01:38:54,929
Give me something. Something
to justify what she's saying.
1502
01:38:55,012 --> 01:38:56,889
We don't have time to
keep playing this game.
1503
01:38:56,973 --> 01:38:59,183
She was trying
to explain it to me.
1504
01:38:59,267 --> 01:39:02,311
She kept saying, "Double
B, double G, double L."
1505
01:39:02,395 --> 01:39:03,938
I don't know what it means.
1506
01:39:04,021 --> 01:39:06,482
Whatever happened,
we're never gonna know.
1507
01:39:06,566 --> 01:39:09,193
One thing remains
true, you're the president.
1508
01:39:12,738 --> 01:39:15,908
You're either getting
on that plane or not.
1509
01:39:15,992 --> 01:39:21,080
Tom, come January 20th,
the White House is yours.
1510
01:39:21,164 --> 01:39:22,790
Nothing can change that.
1511
01:39:22,874 --> 01:39:24,959
No one can.
1512
01:39:25,042 --> 01:39:26,043
Except you.
1513
01:39:35,052 --> 01:39:36,637
You coming?
1514
01:40:09,086 --> 01:40:11,589
From Studio 8H in
Rockefeller Center,
1515
01:40:11,672 --> 01:40:16,385
it's Weekend Update with
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
1516
01:40:16,469 --> 01:40:17,595
Hi, I'm Amy Poehler.
1517
01:40:17,678 --> 01:40:20,806
I'm Tina Fey and here
are tonight's top stories.
1518
01:40:20,890 --> 01:40:24,143
A Malaysian man famous
for pulling planes and buses
1519
01:40:24,227 --> 01:40:27,104
with his hair died this
week of heart complications.
1520
01:40:27,188 --> 01:40:28,898
Tragically, he
would still be alive,
1521
01:40:28,981 --> 01:40:31,484
but he insisted on pulling
his own ambulance.
1522
01:40:33,236 --> 01:40:36,572
A German filmmaker is planning
to make a comedy about Hitler.
1523
01:40:36,656 --> 01:40:40,785
Hey, I went through the cue cards
and I'm telling you, you're gonna kill.
1524
01:40:40,868 --> 01:40:44,413
It's gonna work like a charm.
Don't worry about a thing.
1525
01:40:44,497 --> 01:40:46,457
You do a couple
Eleanor Green jokes
1526
01:40:46,541 --> 01:40:48,793
and we get this
stuff way behind you.
1527
01:40:48,876 --> 01:40:52,129
- All right.
- You can go on and be, uh, president.
1528
01:40:55,925 --> 01:40:59,303
Forensic scientists say they
have recreated George Washington
1529
01:40:59,387 --> 01:41:01,180
as he looked at age 19,
1530
01:41:01,264 --> 01:41:04,183
while Tom Dobbs has
recreated how Thomas Jefferson
1531
01:41:04,267 --> 01:41:05,768
would've looked
if he were crazy.
1532
01:41:17,071 --> 01:41:21,534
When the source is identified,
Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.
1533
01:41:23,661 --> 01:41:27,206
A report suggests that more
species of birds mate for life
1534
01:41:27,290 --> 01:41:31,752
than previously believed, while
other species only mate for votes.
1535
01:41:33,379 --> 01:41:36,549
This week, Tom Dobbs met with
his presidential transition team,
1536
01:41:36,632 --> 01:41:39,385
who briefed him on the day-to-day
activities of the Oval Office.
1537
01:41:39,468 --> 01:41:42,179
However, Dobbs became upset
when he learned that Monday
1538
01:41:42,263 --> 01:41:43,723
would no longer be reruns.
1539
01:41:43,806 --> 01:41:46,267
- I heard that.
- Uh-oh, who said that?
1540
01:41:47,810 --> 01:41:50,062
- Do we have a special guest?
- What?
1541
01:41:58,529 --> 01:42:01,866
- Welcome. You know my wife.
- Hello.
1542
01:42:01,949 --> 01:42:04,493
President-elect, Tom Dobbs.
1543
01:42:09,081 --> 01:42:11,842
In the neighborhood, thought I'd
drop by. I always wanted to say that.
1544
01:42:11,876 --> 01:42:14,420
Sounds like Bob Hope.
"Thought I'd drop by."
1545
01:42:14,503 --> 01:42:17,089
Thank you for coming.
Make yourself comfortable.
1546
01:42:17,173 --> 01:42:18,173
Lovely. Thank you.
1547
01:42:18,215 --> 01:42:20,593
Wow, listen, we all
saw you in Congress
1548
01:42:20,676 --> 01:42:23,763
in that outfit the other day.
That was quite flattering.
1549
01:42:23,846 --> 01:42:26,849
Those wigs, it's kind
of nice. I love the...
1550
01:42:26,932 --> 01:42:31,020
The buckled shoe, though.
It's part pimp, part pilgrim.
1551
01:42:31,103 --> 01:42:34,398
You can either get off the Mayflower
or have four girls in a Cadillac.
1552
01:42:34,482 --> 01:42:36,067
- They love him.
- Yeah.
1553
01:42:36,150 --> 01:42:40,488
- It's working like a charm.
- I'm thinking... This is just out loud...
1554
01:42:41,489 --> 01:42:45,451
I should go with some Manolo
Blanco, to give you that little:
1555
01:42:45,534 --> 01:42:48,704
- To lift the ass.
- Lift the ass.
1556
01:42:48,788 --> 01:42:51,332
Next time, I want to go
stilettoes, something crazy.
1557
01:42:51,415 --> 01:42:53,000
Manolo.
1558
01:42:53,084 --> 01:42:55,961
Now, I'm pleased the
FBI cleared any suspicion
1559
01:42:56,045 --> 01:42:58,214
that you knew Eleanor
Green before the election.
1560
01:42:58,297 --> 01:42:59,507
- Not at all, no.
- Good.
1561
01:42:59,590 --> 01:43:02,259
So, that absolves you
of any conspiratorial thing
1562
01:43:02,343 --> 01:43:03,969
- that you fixed the election.
- Right.
1563
01:43:04,053 --> 01:43:06,389
What do you make of
her obsession with you?
1564
01:43:06,472 --> 01:43:09,225
Well, Tina, I have just
one question for you:
1565
01:43:09,308 --> 01:43:11,769
Is this a face a woman
would be obsessed with?
1566
01:43:11,852 --> 01:43:15,815
- Well...
- Well, by your pause, I understand.
1567
01:43:15,898 --> 01:43:18,192
Because I think a
woman can be obsessed
1568
01:43:18,275 --> 01:43:20,653
with a movie star
like Brad Pitt. Hello.
1569
01:43:20,736 --> 01:43:24,115
And, uh, you could say Angelina.
I could be obsessed with Angelina.
1570
01:43:24,198 --> 01:43:27,118
I just wanna wet her lips
and just stick her to something.
1571
01:43:28,452 --> 01:43:30,913
Also, you could say
obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars.
1572
01:43:30,996 --> 01:43:34,917
Women rushing the stage,
fainting for Elvis, for The Beatles,
1573
01:43:35,000 --> 01:43:38,129
for Mick Jagger, to
say, "This is your baby."
1574
01:43:38,212 --> 01:43:40,673
But women don't rush
the stage for comedians.
1575
01:43:40,756 --> 01:43:43,676
They basically, if they
throw their panties on stage
1576
01:43:43,759 --> 01:43:47,722
it's because they want them
fluffed, folded and back by Friday.
1577
01:43:50,516 --> 01:43:54,270
I... I threw my underpants
at Britney Spears once, but...
1578
01:43:54,353 --> 01:43:56,731
Because I thought
she needed a pair.
1579
01:43:57,773 --> 01:43:58,773
God bless.
1580
01:44:00,901 --> 01:44:04,613
I thought you were gonna say you
threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.
1581
01:44:04,697 --> 01:44:08,159
- That's a good re-write. Whoa!
- Whoa! Good night, good luck.
1582
01:44:08,242 --> 01:44:11,370
That's from our new
book, One Night in Paris.
1583
01:44:11,454 --> 01:44:13,539
But for me, here's
the basic thing.
1584
01:44:13,622 --> 01:44:17,543
I mean, how plausible is it that
a woman would fix an election
1585
01:44:17,626 --> 01:44:21,130
because she's obsessed with
me? Where's the hanging chad?
1586
01:44:21,213 --> 01:44:23,257
Where's the governor
being your brother?
1587
01:44:23,340 --> 01:44:24,925
Where's the ruling
against the voter?
1588
01:44:25,009 --> 01:44:28,554
Come on, where's the
conspiracy in that? None, really.
1589
01:44:28,637 --> 01:44:30,389
Here's the real question:
1590
01:44:30,473 --> 01:44:33,934
It's like, if that's not why,
what is the real answer?
1591
01:44:39,398 --> 01:44:41,859
What is the real answer?
1592
01:44:41,942 --> 01:44:45,196
- Thank you for picking that one up.
- Where's he going with this?
1593
01:44:46,655 --> 01:44:50,534
The bottom line is Eleanor
Green came to me and told me
1594
01:44:50,618 --> 01:44:55,206
that there was a computer glitch in
the Delacroy computer voting system.
1595
01:44:55,289 --> 01:44:58,542
She warned the chief executive
of Delacroy, James Hemmings,
1596
01:44:58,626 --> 01:45:02,129
but they decided to cover
it up for economic reasons.
1597
01:45:02,213 --> 01:45:05,007
It's not good for the
stock offering, really.
1598
01:45:06,300 --> 01:45:10,387
The truth is... I'm not the elected
president of the United States.
1599
01:45:11,889 --> 01:45:15,434
Bottom line is, it was a
computer error. Not fraud...
1600
01:45:15,518 --> 01:45:17,561
but a faulty program.
1601
01:45:17,645 --> 01:45:19,522
HAL decided it liked me.
1602
01:45:22,775 --> 01:45:26,111
Today I was in the Oval
Office on a preparatory meeting
1603
01:45:26,195 --> 01:45:27,738
and I sat behind
the president's desk
1604
01:45:27,822 --> 01:45:30,783
and I had a reality
check. It overwhelmed me.
1605
01:45:30,866 --> 01:45:33,661
I sat there and went,
"Wait a minute. I'm a jester.
1606
01:45:33,744 --> 01:45:37,915
A jester doesn't rule the
kingdom, he makes fun of the king."
1607
01:45:37,998 --> 01:45:40,751
And for a brief moment,
I thought, you know,
1608
01:45:40,835 --> 01:45:43,295
"I could be the president."
1609
01:45:43,379 --> 01:45:47,508
I thought I was president
till Eleanor talked to me.
1610
01:45:51,220 --> 01:45:54,598
It's, uh... I know. We're
not on book anymore
1611
01:45:54,682 --> 01:45:56,809
and the cue-card guy is going:
1612
01:45:56,892 --> 01:46:00,229
We just usually do
fake news and jokes.
1613
01:46:00,312 --> 01:46:04,149
We don't usually
have real news and...
1614
01:46:04,233 --> 01:46:05,233
non-jokes.
1615
01:46:06,694 --> 01:46:08,737
So, watch out, Oprah.
1616
01:46:09,780 --> 01:46:12,283
Because we're
gonna go real, girl.
1617
01:46:13,284 --> 01:46:17,037
Here's the deal. A lot of you voted
for me, or at least some of you.
1618
01:46:17,121 --> 01:46:18,497
Yeah, thank you.
1619
01:46:21,166 --> 01:46:23,586
And I know you voted for
me because you were fed up
1620
01:46:23,669 --> 01:46:24,753
with the status quo.
1621
01:46:24,837 --> 01:46:27,882
But you were voting for
change for the sake of change.
1622
01:46:27,965 --> 01:46:29,091
You know, listen...
1623
01:46:29,174 --> 01:46:32,094
you could vote for someone
better. You can do better.
1624
01:46:32,177 --> 01:46:35,639
You can do better than the
politicians you've elected recently,
1625
01:46:35,723 --> 01:46:40,019
and definitely... don't put your faith
in a machine that has less controls
1626
01:46:40,102 --> 01:46:42,146
than a Vegas slot machine.
1627
01:46:42,229 --> 01:46:44,398
You don't want to be
a part of the reelection?
1628
01:46:44,481 --> 01:46:48,360
Oh, no, no. Please. No, no.
That's not a stage I belong on.
1629
01:46:48,444 --> 01:46:50,487
This is where I belong,
with folks like you,
1630
01:46:50,571 --> 01:46:52,781
finding the "funk"
in dysfunctional.
1631
01:46:52,865 --> 01:46:55,993
Mark Twain said irreverence
is the champion of liberty,
1632
01:46:56,076 --> 01:46:58,096
if not its only defender.
That's what we're there...
1633
01:46:58,120 --> 01:47:01,624
We're there to kind of shake it
up, and that's what we've gotta do.
1634
01:47:01,707 --> 01:47:05,377
How many of you think the
educational system is working?
1635
01:47:05,461 --> 01:47:06,503
Whoo-hoo!
1636
01:47:06,587 --> 01:47:07,671
One girl. Thank you.
1637
01:47:09,089 --> 01:47:10,257
"I learn to read."
1638
01:47:12,468 --> 01:47:16,305
You realize 40 percent of
American high-school graduates think
1639
01:47:16,388 --> 01:47:18,557
Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?
1640
01:47:18,641 --> 01:47:23,395
So, Tom Dobbs walked away from
being the president of the United States.
1641
01:47:23,479 --> 01:47:25,814
Okay, so, he wasn't
really elected, but...
1642
01:47:26,857 --> 01:47:28,901
if he hadn't told anyone...
1643
01:47:28,984 --> 01:47:30,819
We gonna send some
shout-out right now.
1644
01:47:30,903 --> 01:47:34,698
Shortly thereafter, Tom went
back to his political comedy show.
1645
01:47:34,782 --> 01:47:37,660
I'm gonna get on the desk like
Tom Cruise going, "I love her!"
1646
01:47:37,743 --> 01:47:38,911
He was bigger than ever.
1647
01:47:50,255 --> 01:47:52,967
Everyone's gonna be writing
about how honest you are,
1648
01:47:53,050 --> 01:47:54,593
how straightforward.
1649
01:47:54,677 --> 01:47:58,514
I just hope your honesty
doesn't undercut your irreverence.
1650
01:47:58,597 --> 01:48:02,226
I wanna do a show about gay
farmers, call it Cropsuckers. Offensive?
1651
01:48:02,309 --> 01:48:04,144
Not for me.
1652
01:48:04,228 --> 01:48:06,522
♪ The night was
long and lonely ♪
1653
01:48:06,605 --> 01:48:09,108
♪ It was dark and cold ♪
1654
01:48:09,191 --> 01:48:10,442
Nothing but the best.
1655
01:48:10,526 --> 01:48:15,489
♪ The season's
chill sure took hold ♪
1656
01:48:16,031 --> 01:48:21,245
♪ When the planet turns
Then a change will come... ♪♪
1657
01:48:23,789 --> 01:48:24,789
Yeah?
1658
01:48:30,713 --> 01:48:31,755
Hey.
1659
01:48:31,839 --> 01:48:32,965
Hi.
1660
01:48:34,341 --> 01:48:35,384
Like some company?
1661
01:48:37,386 --> 01:48:38,887
I left the night light on.
1662
01:48:40,514 --> 01:48:42,975
Eleanor became his producer...
1663
01:48:43,559 --> 01:48:45,227
and close companion.
1664
01:48:45,811 --> 01:48:48,188
Lover. Later his wife.
1665
01:48:48,272 --> 01:48:52,026
The two Delacroy executives
were arrested and later convicted
1666
01:48:52,109 --> 01:48:55,446
because Eleanor's theories
on the computer glitch
1667
01:48:55,529 --> 01:48:56,822
proved to be correct.
1668
01:48:56,905 --> 01:48:59,116
For those of you thinking
of getting breast implants,
1669
01:48:59,199 --> 01:49:00,951
there's something
new I want you to try.
1670
01:49:01,035 --> 01:49:04,038
A lot of people get
the large ones. Lovely.
1671
01:49:04,121 --> 01:49:07,332
Do something new for your
boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.
1672
01:49:08,751 --> 01:49:11,253
I think that's about the same.
We're easily amused. We'll be:
1673
01:49:13,589 --> 01:49:16,300
That's what it is for
us. We're like cats.
1674
01:49:18,677 --> 01:49:20,888
Remember the best
birth control, ladies.
1675
01:49:20,971 --> 01:49:23,849
The best birth control and
the cheapest is simply this:
1676
01:49:26,185 --> 01:49:30,647
As for President Kellogg, he
won against Mills in the reelection...
1677
01:49:30,731 --> 01:49:33,901
and in his second term was
better than any of us expected.
1678
01:49:33,984 --> 01:49:35,903
Not great, but better.
1679
01:49:35,986 --> 01:49:39,615
Maybe Tom Dobbs had
something to do with it. Who knows?
1680
01:49:39,698 --> 01:49:41,241
But I like to think that...
1681
01:49:42,659 --> 01:49:44,244
one thing does lead to another.
1682
01:49:44,828 --> 01:49:48,165
I'll remember this, ladies and
gentlemen. It's an old phrase,
1683
01:49:48,248 --> 01:49:52,127
basically anonymous, but
politicians are a lot like diapers.
1684
01:49:52,211 --> 01:49:54,755
They should be changed
frequently and for the same reason.
1685
01:49:54,838 --> 01:49:57,174
Keep that in mind next
time you vote. Good night.