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I've come to sell my wares and it's
guaranteed to cure hardcore softcore and

2
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pimples on the tongue. Now look here,
look at it. That's beautiful, isn't it,

3
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eh? Isn't that beautiful? That is raise
the chassé, as they say in theatre.

4
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Now be honest, have you ever seen a
Christmas tree like that before? No, of

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course you haven't, and I'll tell you
the reason why. Because this is no

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ordinary Christmas tree. This is the new
advanced microchip Christmas tree as

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advertised on Tomorrow's World.

8
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Now, I would just...

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Excuse me, madam. Excuse me.

10
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Don't you know it's rude to walk away
when someone's talking to you?

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Well, go on then, if you must, but hurry
back.

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Now listen, this Christmas tree contains
all the traditional Yuletide values

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plus 21st century technology.

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Let me give you just two of its manifold
advantages.

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One, you do not have to buy electric
lights, porpoise, bangles and beads

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this tree comes complete. Two, you do
not have to struggle with it like you do

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the old forest -type Christmas tree
because this tree folds down.

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Fits neatly.

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Well, it fits neatly.

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Very, very neatly.

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Neatly.

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Into the suitcase.

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Now, if you went up there and you paid
27 quid for one of these, you'd think

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that you were getting a right result.

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Well, I'm not going to ask you for 27
quid. I'm not even going to ask you for

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score. Now, who said 15?

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Who said... Put your money away, love.
Put your money... I don't want 15.

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I don't want 12. I'm not even asking for
10.

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Right, come on, girls.

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Fastest first wins. It's six quid, and
I'm having bread and cheese for my

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Christmas dinner. Right, six quid. Come
on, anybody.

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The lot's got to go.

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Six. Six.

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All right, as you're the first, you can
have it for a fiver, darling.

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All right.

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Cheers.

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There you go.

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That's it.

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Mind you, don't fall off your bike.

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Just got those out of the back of the
van. Well, you can just take them back

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again, can't you? These are going down
about as well as Union Jacks do in

42
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Aires. How many we sold?

43
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Well, including us, um, one.

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One down, 149 it goes.

45
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Here you are, dear boy.

46
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You left your flask of coffee on the
sideboard this morning.

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Thanks very much, Grandad. Could just go
a nice hot cup of coffee.

48
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Here, you didn't forget more suckerings,
did you? I got them this morning. Oh,

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good man.

50
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This is stone cold.

51
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Well, it would be, wouldn't it? It's
been standing on the sidewalk for hours.

52
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Couldn't you have made some fresh?

53
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I didn't have time to make coffee. I had
to get your flask down, too.

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Silly old... Here, Rodney, chuck that
away, will you?

55
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Look, you could have quite easily have
made some fresh, couldn't you?

56
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I meant to copy you, clonker.

57
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Spoon me only, Nick. That's last last
week.

58
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Get in there and fish it out. I'm not
getting in there with all that rubbish.

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What are you talking about? It's tidier
than your bedroom.

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I'm not getting in there. That's final.

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How am I ever going to become a
millionaire when I am surrounded by

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Go on, pick up that stuff and we're
going to get a cup of tea at six.

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Give us three teas, will you, Sid? How's
your luck?

64
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Oh, don't ask. Just don't ask.

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I'll have three amrolls and all.

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Do you two want anything to eat?

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I have a wagon wheel, dear old boy.

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Wagon wheel? Yeah, I'd have one of them
non -sodium glutamate pies of yours,

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please. State pie.

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So what happens if we don't get rid of
them trees, eh?

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We've done our money, I suppose.

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It's the world recession, isn't it?

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It's affecting everyone.

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Here, Rodney, come here a minute.

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Come here, I want to show you something.

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Every year, for as long as I can
remember, the market traders have always

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a Christmas tree to that church over
there.

78
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But this year, they just can't afford
it.

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It's the little orphans that I feel
sorry for.

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I mean, every Christmas Eve, they'd come
down from the orphanage.

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They'd hold an open -air carol service
round the tree.

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It looked really lovely, it did.

83
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I thought about crying once.

84
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Still, times change, don't they now?

85
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It's all Sam Ferry Ann, isn't it?

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Oi, Sid.

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Put them emeralds in a paper bag for us,
will you? Come on, Granny, I'll give

88
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you a little fun.

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Oh, Rodney, see if you can do something
with them Christmas trees, will you?

90
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Come on, then.

91
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:05,930
Right,

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00:05:10,350 --> 00:05:11,350
ready when you are ready.

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Here goes, then.

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They flash?

95
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,190
Yeah.

96
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They're not supposed to.

97
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I mean, well, it's not much of a tree,
but it's the only one I could... No, no,

98
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no, no, you're wrong, Rodney.

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This is the finest Christmas tree our
church has ever had.

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You see, for a growing number of years,
I have become dismayed, even shocked by

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the attitude of modern youth.

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But today, you walked into this church
and offered us this tree.

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Simply because you care.

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You have rekindled my faith in the human
race.

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It's not nicked, is it?

106
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No, of course it's not nicked. I mean,
who'd nick that?

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Well, God bless you, my son.

108
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There will be a place waiting for you in
heaven.

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00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,240
Oh, good.

110
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Look, tell him I'm in no hurry, won't
you?

111
00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:10,840
Merry Christmas to you.

112
00:06:19,099 --> 00:06:23,520
Because this is no ordinary Christmas
tree. As I was saying, this is the only

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Christmas tree as used and recommended
by the Church of England itself.

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If you'd just like to come right over
there, you'll see what I mean.

115
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Well done, Rodney. I knew you wouldn't
let me down.

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00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,580
Now, as I was saying, ladies and
gentlemen, the Archbishop of Canterbury

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himself... actually has one of these
Christmas trees in his front room. Now,

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two can have one in your front room for
the ridiculously low price of just seven

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pounds. That's all I want. Seven pounds.
You got seven there, lady. Thanks very

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00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:54,880
much. That's the right money. Take that
one there. You dirty little mercenaries.

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We needed someone to promote our
product.

122
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:02,200
But God... You knew I'd give that treat
to the vicar, didn't you?

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All that rubbish about them little
orphans.

124
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You've got no ethics.

125
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You don't even know what ethics are, do
you?

126
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Yeah. Huh?

127
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If it's, they can make model aeroplanes,
can't they?

128
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:19,300
It's certainly, that's it, just the
right money. Thank you very much. You

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00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,440
that one. Very nice. Thanks.

130
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,760
I can't believe you sometimes.

131
00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:25,720
Now, listen. Listen, Rodney. Just a
minute. Now, listen.

132
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Listen to me. Look.

133
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The vicar's happy because he's got a
Christmas tree, right? The punters are

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00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,960
happy because they think they're getting
something special, right? And we're

135
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,400
happy because we're making £3 .50 on
every tree. So everyone's a winner.

136
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,180
Now, are you going to sell a tree?

137
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You can sell two if you like. No way, my
son.

138
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I've heard a commercialisation of
Christmas, but this is taking a... $3

139
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,880
All in lovely crisp reddies.

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00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,780
All right, girls, have your money ready.
Now, don't worry...