1 00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:11,761 (VOCALIZING) 2 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,897 ♪ Rise and shine Rise and shine 3 00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:21,310 ♪ If I have to say it again 4 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,062 ♪ Gonna be a foot in your behind 5 00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,494 ♪ Rise and shine 6 00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:25,945 ♪ Come on, Junior, rise and... ♪ 7 00:00:25,946 --> 00:00:27,066 Hey. 8 00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:29,819 (SNIFFS) Oh! 9 00:00:31,492 --> 00:00:33,452 (EXCLAIMS) 10 00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:35,504 All right. Calisthenics. Two minutes. Downstairs. Let's go. 11 00:00:35,496 --> 00:00:39,156 Calisthenics? Mom never made us do calisthenics. 12 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,370 Yeah, well, your mom is out of town for six weeks, 13 00:00:41,372 --> 00:00:43,162 so I got time to whip your little butts into shape. 14 00:00:43,164 --> 00:00:45,264 Come on. Let's go. Come on. 15 00:00:45,256 --> 00:00:47,166 All right, don't make me dig these dirty drawers out of here. 16 00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:48,588 (EXCLAIMS) 17 00:00:48,589 --> 00:00:49,719 I'm up. 18 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,340 All right, let's go. Come on. 19 00:00:53,474 --> 00:00:55,854 All right, jumping jacks on three, 20 00:00:55,846 --> 00:00:57,386 (Y.M.C.A. PLAYING) two, one. 21 00:00:57,388 --> 00:01:00,598 ♪ Young man Throw your hands in the air 22 00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:04,531 ♪ I said, young man Who said life would be fair? 23 00:01:04,525 --> 00:01:06,355 ♪ I say, young man 24 00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:08,147 ♪ Come look at me I lost hair 25 00:01:08,149 --> 00:01:12,689 ♪ But you don't see me complaining 26 00:01:12,693 --> 00:01:15,703 ♪ Where's Claire? She's not coming down yet 27 00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:18,656 ♪ I said, there's Claire We got a straggler... 28 00:01:18,659 --> 00:01:20,499 (TURNS OFF MUSIC) Hey. 29 00:01:21,462 --> 00:01:23,002 This is stupid. 30 00:01:24,415 --> 00:01:25,705 Claire? 31 00:01:25,706 --> 00:01:27,466 Yeah? 32 00:01:27,468 --> 00:01:29,508 What's different about you? 33 00:01:29,510 --> 00:01:33,050 What are you talking about? I just pulled my hair back. That's all. 34 00:01:33,053 --> 00:01:36,483 Well, whatever it is, you look like a whole new person. 35 00:01:36,477 --> 00:01:38,807 Go on. Step in line. Let's go. 36 00:01:38,809 --> 00:01:40,599 Why do we have to do this? 37 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,931 Because your mom is away with Grandma until her leg heals, 38 00:01:43,934 --> 00:01:47,234 and while she's away, we're gonna do things by my rules. 39 00:01:47,228 --> 00:01:49,438 Because it takes a village. 40 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,730 And right now, this is my village, and you're my village people. 41 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,905 (TURNS ON MUSIC) 42 00:01:55,906 --> 00:01:57,406 Go on. 43 00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,158 ♪ ...M.C.A. 44 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,240 Come on. 45 00:02:00,241 --> 00:02:03,451 ♪ Y.M.C.A. 46 00:02:03,454 --> 00:02:07,344 ♪ You don't have to look mad But you all look sad 47 00:02:07,338 --> 00:02:12,838 ♪ But if you don't I'm going to be a hero 48 00:02:14,014 --> 00:02:15,354 ♪ You don't go... 49 00:02:18,519 --> 00:02:21,679 Come on. Come on. Get your hands up. Come on. 50 00:02:21,682 --> 00:02:23,352 Kick it. Shake it. 51 00:02:25,726 --> 00:02:28,146 ♪ YMCA... ♪ 52 00:02:40,991 --> 00:02:44,381 Daddy, my ponytail won't stay up. 53 00:02:44,375 --> 00:02:46,495 Oh, let me fix that for you. 54 00:02:47,288 --> 00:02:48,628 Let's see. 55 00:02:50,961 --> 00:02:52,961 Exactly what I'm gonna do. 56 00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:02,471 Perfect. 57 00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:06,403 This looks stupid. Mommy wouldn't do it like that. 58 00:03:06,397 --> 00:03:07,567 Well, baby, Mommy's not here, 59 00:03:07,568 --> 00:03:09,268 so we're gonna have to make do. 60 00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:10,980 I already did that. 61 00:03:12,813 --> 00:03:15,913 I know. You probably really miss your mommy, huh? 62 00:03:15,906 --> 00:03:19,236 More and more every day. 63 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,200 Well, is there anything I can do to help out and make things better? 64 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,542 Take this stupid tape off my head and go get her. 65 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,998 Well, I can take the stupid tape off your head. 66 00:03:31,001 --> 00:03:33,711 (MIMICS KADY) But I can't go get her. 67 00:03:35,175 --> 00:03:37,465 There. 68 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:41,798 Can you make those peanut butter marshmallow cookies that Mommy makes? 69 00:03:41,802 --> 00:03:43,182 I can try. 70 00:03:43,183 --> 00:03:45,853 Okay, but they better be good. 71 00:03:45,846 --> 00:03:47,476 That's pressure. 72 00:03:50,691 --> 00:03:52,351 Hey, morning, Son. 73 00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:56,244 Look at my clothes. 74 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,116 What's the matter? You look great. 75 00:03:58,118 --> 00:03:59,858 What did you do? 76 00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,700 I put starch in your clothes, 77 00:04:01,702 --> 00:04:04,462 and I put enough to last until your mother came home. 78 00:04:04,455 --> 00:04:06,165 I look ridiculous. 79 00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:09,206 No, you don't. You look...sharp. 80 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,330 (SCOFFS) 81 00:04:11,332 --> 00:04:12,582 So what are you up to? 82 00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:13,713 Yeah. 83 00:04:15,175 --> 00:04:17,045 I'm trying out for the basketball team today. 84 00:04:17,047 --> 00:04:20,877 Really? Well, listen, don't put too much pressure on yourself about doing that 85 00:04:20,881 --> 00:04:24,391 because, for one, you're not that good. 86 00:04:24,385 --> 00:04:26,935 And two, you're not that good. 87 00:04:27,848 --> 00:04:29,268 Very funny, Dad. 88 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,439 Now, all I'm saying, Son, is art is your strength. Okay? 89 00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:36,243 These kids that get bussed in from the city, basketball is their dream. 90 00:04:36,236 --> 00:04:38,446 And in some cases, it's their only option. 91 00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:40,949 Well, I'm gonna make the team even if it kills me. 92 00:04:40,951 --> 00:04:42,611 That's the right attitude. 93 00:04:42,613 --> 00:04:45,373 And I'm gonna miss you. 94 00:04:45,366 --> 00:04:47,616 Dad, Coach said I set a great pick. 95 00:04:47,618 --> 00:04:49,788 And nobody can take a charge like me. 96 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,460 Well, if basketball don't work out, 97 00:04:51,462 --> 00:04:54,002 you'll make a great crash test dummy. 98 00:04:55,716 --> 00:04:58,676 (STAMMERS) And... Whoa. 99 00:04:58,679 --> 00:05:00,919 What is all of this? 100 00:05:00,921 --> 00:05:03,051 Oh, isn't it cool? And look here. 101 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:06,313 No, it is not cool. Go wash that junk off of you. 102 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,886 Why? It's just glitter. 103 00:05:07,888 --> 00:05:11,768 No, it's just subliminal advertising to little horny boys. 104 00:05:11,772 --> 00:05:13,192 What? Yeah. 105 00:05:13,193 --> 00:05:15,283 This right here, that goes, "Oh, look, right here. 106 00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:18,395 "Now, right here is where you wanna be focused." 107 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,240 And the back says, "Hey, I got a little sparkly thing. 108 00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:26,123 "But it don't shine like my behind." 109 00:05:27,538 --> 00:05:28,948 Everybody's doing it. 110 00:05:28,949 --> 00:05:30,449 Everybody? 111 00:05:30,451 --> 00:05:33,581 It's fashion. This is something Mom would definitely let me do. 112 00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:37,054 Well, I must be an old fuddy-duddy, because I don't like it. 113 00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:38,507 You won't let me do anything. 114 00:05:38,509 --> 00:05:40,959 I can't get anything pierced. You won't let me get a tattoo. 115 00:05:40,961 --> 00:05:42,921 I know, I don't let you carry the gun. 116 00:05:42,923 --> 00:05:46,973 I don't let you shoot up heroin. I'm just a bad dad. 117 00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:49,307 You need to get with the times. 118 00:05:49,309 --> 00:05:53,269 Okay, look, if you wanna wear that stuff, go ahead. Fine. 119 00:05:53,273 --> 00:05:54,103 What do you mean? 120 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:57,194 (MOCK CRYING) I can't do nothing right for you guys. 121 00:05:58,779 --> 00:06:00,689 Is it okay if Charmaine spends the night? 122 00:06:00,691 --> 00:06:02,741 Again? That's the third night this week. 123 00:06:02,743 --> 00:06:05,993 Gee, let's see. Could it be 'cause she's my best friend? 124 00:06:05,986 --> 00:06:09,076 Okay, look, she can spend the night if it's okay with her parents, 125 00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:11,249 who, by the way, I have never met. 126 00:06:11,251 --> 00:06:14,671 Who I better meet the next time you ask if she can spend the night. 127 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,545 Then it's okay with me. Good. 128 00:06:16,547 --> 00:06:17,957 Now, how do y'all want these eggs? 129 00:06:17,958 --> 00:06:20,088 Sunny side up but just a little hard in the middle. 130 00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:22,500 Just a little hard in the middle. And you? 131 00:06:22,503 --> 00:06:25,313 Hmm. Western omelet. Swiss cheese and sausage. 132 00:06:25,305 --> 00:06:28,175 Swiss and... We only have turkey sausage. 133 00:06:28,178 --> 00:06:29,678 That would do. Okay, you'll do that. 134 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,220 Kady, what do you want? 135 00:06:31,221 --> 00:06:32,931 I want Egg McMuffin. 136 00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,693 Egg... A what? 137 00:06:35,776 --> 00:06:37,146 Egg McMuffin. 138 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:39,397 Egg with muffin? Okay. 139 00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:42,481 Got it all ready. 140 00:06:42,483 --> 00:06:44,153 (SIGHS) 141 00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:48,624 That's sunny side up. Little hard in the middle. 142 00:06:48,619 --> 00:06:51,329 Wait. Gotta make it hard. 143 00:06:51,331 --> 00:06:53,621 See, hard in the middle. 144 00:06:53,624 --> 00:06:55,044 Junior wanted a western omelet. 145 00:06:55,035 --> 00:06:57,125 We didn't have the turkey sausage, 146 00:06:57,127 --> 00:06:59,627 but that's the way to think about your cholesterol. 147 00:06:59,630 --> 00:07:04,130 There you go. Egg McMuffin without the muffin. 148 00:07:04,134 --> 00:07:06,764 For the muffin. Here you go. 149 00:07:06,757 --> 00:07:09,467 It's a toy you can play with. You won't choke on it. 150 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,310 Hey, anybody want some cappuccino, cafe latte? 151 00:07:12,312 --> 00:07:16,482 Help yourselves right here. And watch out for the steam, it get hot. 152 00:07:17,017 --> 00:07:19,437 I miss Mommy. 153 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,819 Baby, we all miss Mommy. 154 00:07:21,822 --> 00:07:25,872 But I'm gonna try and make this a pleasurable experience for us all. 155 00:07:25,866 --> 00:07:29,066 I'm even gonna try and bake them cookies today, okay? 156 00:07:29,069 --> 00:07:31,409 Let me see that smile. Where's that smile? 157 00:07:31,411 --> 00:07:33,201 (IN SILLY VOICE) Let me see the smile. 158 00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:35,754 Where's the smile? 159 00:07:37,878 --> 00:07:39,838 (CRYING) 160 00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:44,593 That wasn't the smile. 161 00:07:51,552 --> 00:07:53,012 (BEATBOXING) 162 00:07:55,686 --> 00:07:57,056 Hey, yo. Check me out. 163 00:07:57,057 --> 00:07:58,977 (RAPPING) ♪ My name is John Half-court ram 164 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,059 ♪ Drop illegal long bombs I'm a ball hog 165 00:08:01,061 --> 00:08:02,601 ♪ And I don't play nice 166 00:08:02,603 --> 00:08:04,363 ♪ I'll shake you and bake you Put your ankles in ice ♪ 167 00:08:04,364 --> 00:08:06,204 Yeah. BOY 1: Yeah, that was tight. 168 00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:07,776 That was tight. I like that... 169 00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,488 That was tight. MIKE: That was cool. Hold up. Hold up. 170 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,989 ♪ My name's Mike And I got flows 171 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,872 ♪ I'm known to set a pick like a thumb in your nose 172 00:08:13,874 --> 00:08:16,004 ♪ If I ever graduate I'll probably go to the pros 173 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,496 ♪ But if I don't I'll sign with Ludacris 174 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,077 ♪ And throw them 'bows ♪ 175 00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:20,419 Man, that was great. 176 00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:21,540 That was good. 177 00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,752 Okay, okay. What you got? 178 00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:27,224 Hold up. Let me think. 179 00:08:27,217 --> 00:08:29,127 ♪ My name is Jamaal and I love to ball 180 00:08:29,129 --> 00:08:31,389 ♪ I've been playing basketball ever since you could crawl 181 00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:33,221 ♪ Who else could drop step and dunk it from the wall? 182 00:08:33,223 --> 00:08:35,063 ♪ Man, I could do it Not 'cause I'm good 183 00:08:35,055 --> 00:08:37,055 ♪ Why? ♪ Just 'cause I'm tall ♪ 184 00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:38,397 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 185 00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:41,808 Yo, yo. Hold up. Hold up. Yo. 186 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:45,032 ♪ My name is Junior but I'm a senior 187 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,855 ♪ Well, I got two more years 188 00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:49,908 ♪ I got my father ears 189 00:08:49,910 --> 00:08:52,030 ♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo We got the fridge from Sears 190 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,952 ♪ You know, yo... ♪ 191 00:08:54,995 --> 00:08:56,415 Yo, yo, yo, yo. 192 00:08:56,416 --> 00:08:58,616 ♪ I'm big Mike and I'm his dad 193 00:08:58,619 --> 00:09:01,249 ♪ Y'all better put this house back the way it had 194 00:09:01,251 --> 00:09:03,541 ♪ Otherwise, I'm gonna be a real mad dad 195 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,673 ♪ I'm gonna give you all wedgies 196 00:09:04,665 --> 00:09:07,795 ♪ Throwing you out my pad ♪ 197 00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:10,168 What's up, Dad? Me and the fellas, we was just... 198 00:09:10,170 --> 00:09:12,170 Whatever it was, stop it. 199 00:09:12,973 --> 00:09:14,853 I made the team. 200 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,015 Really? Yeah. 201 00:09:16,016 --> 00:09:17,436 Congratulations. Thanks. 202 00:09:17,437 --> 00:09:21,477 I'm proud of you. Shocked. Very shocked. 203 00:09:21,481 --> 00:09:23,681 Very, very shocked, but proud. 204 00:09:24,945 --> 00:09:26,605 Why don't you introduce me to your friends? 205 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,607 Oh, oh, that's Mike right here. 206 00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,109 How you doing? 207 00:09:33,283 --> 00:09:34,623 That's Jimmy. 208 00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:37,785 How you doing, Jimmy? What's up, Mr. Kyle? 209 00:09:37,788 --> 00:09:39,538 Right there behind you, that's John. 210 00:09:39,539 --> 00:09:42,119 What's up, John? What's up? What's cracking? 211 00:09:44,204 --> 00:09:45,884 And that's Jamaal. 212 00:09:51,171 --> 00:09:52,801 (LAUGHS) And that's Craig. 213 00:09:52,803 --> 00:09:55,813 Craig, I wanna try one myself. Hold up. Look at this. 214 00:09:55,806 --> 00:09:56,886 Huh? 215 00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,427 (LAUGHING) 216 00:09:58,428 --> 00:10:01,018 This is called the I-have-a-job shake. 217 00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,654 All right, you know what? 218 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,317 I have a sweater just like this. 219 00:10:09,319 --> 00:10:13,439 And a sweater just like that. And I got underwear just like this. 220 00:10:13,443 --> 00:10:15,833 Yeah, well, when we came in, we were sweaty, 221 00:10:15,826 --> 00:10:17,826 and the guys wanted to borrow some of your stuff. 222 00:10:17,828 --> 00:10:20,328 You don't mind, do you? 223 00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:23,000 It's just drawers, Mr. Kyle. You want them back? 224 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,045 No. You know what, keep them. 225 00:10:27,047 --> 00:10:30,007 I want this house cleaned up. Clean it up. 226 00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:32,170 All right, fellas, let's get started. 227 00:10:32,172 --> 00:10:33,342 I got piano lessons. 228 00:10:33,343 --> 00:10:34,683 I'm going with Craig. 229 00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,175 I got gymnastics. 230 00:10:36,176 --> 00:10:37,716 Man, I got the hand thing, 231 00:10:37,718 --> 00:10:39,178 so I'm out. Ballet's at 7:00. 232 00:10:39,179 --> 00:10:40,389 Later. 233 00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:43,812 (SIGHS) 234 00:10:51,862 --> 00:10:54,482 Jay, I want these cookies to be perfect for Kady. 235 00:10:54,484 --> 00:10:58,494 Yeah, I had them in the oven eight minutes. 350 degrees. 236 00:10:58,488 --> 00:11:01,368 Okay, so when do I know they're ready? 237 00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:03,281 Okay, let me try that. 238 00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:04,543 (SCREAMING IN PAIN) 239 00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:11,378 No, no, no, no. Yeah, of course I used a potholder. 240 00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:13,671 What, do you think I'm an idiot? 241 00:11:15,385 --> 00:11:18,215 Uh... So how's your mom? 242 00:11:19,139 --> 00:11:20,889 Still in pain, huh? 243 00:11:22,062 --> 00:11:24,562 No, I'm not smiling. 244 00:11:24,564 --> 00:11:26,574 You can hear me smile? 245 00:11:26,566 --> 00:11:29,516 Okay, I'm sorry. I love you. Okay, bye-bye. 246 00:11:29,519 --> 00:11:31,689 (KISSES) 247 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,401 Hey, look who's here. Hey, Daddy. 248 00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,913 "Hey, Daddy." Come here and give me my kiss. 249 00:11:37,818 --> 00:11:39,948 Where you guys going? Hang out. I made cookies. 250 00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:42,740 We gotta go study, Dad. 251 00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:46,673 See, now, it'd be irresponsible of me to say no to that, huh? 252 00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:48,586 Hey, Charmaine, when am I gonna meet your parents? 253 00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:51,918 I wanna invite them over for some of my famous fried chicken. 254 00:11:51,922 --> 00:11:53,592 Oh, they're vegetarians. 255 00:11:53,593 --> 00:11:55,433 So were the chickens. 256 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,598 Get it? It's a joke. 257 00:11:59,599 --> 00:12:01,679 It is? 258 00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,471 Well, who makes you laugh? Carrot Top. 259 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,773 Go study. 260 00:12:19,359 --> 00:12:21,359 Hey, you still missing her, huh? 261 00:12:21,361 --> 00:12:22,951 Uh-huh. 262 00:12:22,953 --> 00:12:25,543 Yeah, well, I miss your mother, too. 263 00:12:25,535 --> 00:12:26,955 But I'm glad I got you here. 264 00:12:26,957 --> 00:12:29,457 Otherwise, I'd be crying in my eyes. 265 00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:32,580 Hey, you want a cookie? 266 00:12:40,971 --> 00:12:43,011 Mommy's cookies are better. 267 00:12:44,935 --> 00:12:47,145 Yeah, well, I could see how you would come to that conclusion 268 00:12:47,147 --> 00:12:49,147 without even tasting them. 269 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:55,402 You know, this isn't the first time I had to take over for your mother. 270 00:12:55,395 --> 00:12:57,105 Really? 271 00:12:57,107 --> 00:13:01,487 Yeah, you probably wouldn't remember, because you weren't born yet, 272 00:13:01,491 --> 00:13:05,001 but she was having a really hard time with her pregnancy. 273 00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:09,496 Michael, Michael, I'm huge. 274 00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:12,959 I think I'm bigger than Oprah in '89. 275 00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:15,343 I don't know how much longer I can take this. 276 00:13:15,335 --> 00:13:18,915 I know. If that baby gets any bigger, it's gonna walk out. 277 00:13:21,341 --> 00:13:23,341 (CHUCKLES) And get a job. 278 00:13:24,724 --> 00:13:26,144 So what did you do? 279 00:13:26,136 --> 00:13:29,766 I did what any red-blooded American would do. 280 00:13:29,769 --> 00:13:30,929 I took over. 281 00:13:30,931 --> 00:13:32,561 What do you mean? 282 00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,565 I don't know what women complain about. 283 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,817 Yeah, so what? My boobs are a little bigger. 284 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,609 It gives me something to do in the shower. 285 00:13:45,155 --> 00:13:47,035 What was that? 286 00:13:47,037 --> 00:13:48,207 (SCREAMING) 287 00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:49,408 Help me! 288 00:13:49,409 --> 00:13:50,579 (SCREAMS) 289 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,660 Oh, God! Oh, God! 290 00:13:53,663 --> 00:13:55,053 I hope that was a heart attack, 291 00:13:55,045 --> 00:13:57,715 'cause I can't take more of this! 292 00:13:57,717 --> 00:13:59,717 Junior... Oh, Lord. 293 00:13:59,719 --> 00:14:03,339 This is it, I think this is the big one. Get in here, quick. 294 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,063 What's up, Dad? 295 00:14:05,055 --> 00:14:06,725 I need you to go get the truck. 296 00:14:06,726 --> 00:14:08,466 I'm about to have this baby. 297 00:14:08,468 --> 00:14:11,558 But, Dad, I'm 10 years old. I don't know how to drive. 298 00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:14,731 Yeah, well, if I can have a baby, you can drive. 299 00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:16,404 Now, go get the red truck. 300 00:14:16,396 --> 00:14:19,146 And get my galoshes out. My water just broke. 301 00:14:21,241 --> 00:14:25,541 Hurry, dummy. Hurry! Oh, boy, that kid. 302 00:14:25,535 --> 00:14:28,245 I said, "Turn right. No, no, turn left. 303 00:14:28,248 --> 00:14:31,328 "Wait. Look out, dummy. You gonna hit that man." 304 00:14:33,203 --> 00:14:34,583 What happened? 305 00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:36,424 Well, your brother swerved right, 306 00:14:36,416 --> 00:14:40,416 and he missed Stephen King and hit Ben Vereen. 307 00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:43,500 But eventually, we got to the hospital. 308 00:14:43,503 --> 00:14:47,223 Come on. This is funny stuff. Give me a smile or something. 309 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,010 Okay, you know what? 310 00:14:52,012 --> 00:14:55,282 You get ready for your bath, and then I'll tell you the rest of the story later. 311 00:14:55,275 --> 00:14:58,105 I'm not taking a bath until Mommy gets home. 312 00:14:58,108 --> 00:15:00,318 Your butt's gonna be humming. 313 00:15:01,571 --> 00:15:03,281 Why not? 314 00:15:03,283 --> 00:15:06,623 You can't see me take a bath. You're a boy. 315 00:15:06,616 --> 00:15:08,866 I like the way you're thinking. 316 00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,368 You keep saying that till you're 30. 317 00:15:11,871 --> 00:15:12,951 Okay? 318 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,543 Hummina, hummina. 319 00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:16,835 (HUMMING) 320 00:15:18,338 --> 00:15:20,498 Hey, you need some help? 321 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,340 Yeah. Thanks. 322 00:15:24,044 --> 00:15:27,354 Must feel real good having all your new friends come by your house, huh? 323 00:15:27,347 --> 00:15:30,007 Yeah, it's cool. They're gonna come again tomorrow. 324 00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:31,510 Wow. And the next day. 325 00:15:31,511 --> 00:15:33,601 They must really like you, huh? Yeah. 326 00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,693 Oh, and I got a list of stuff for you. 327 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:36,975 We're gonna need some soy milk 328 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,477 'cause John is lactose intolerant. 329 00:15:39,479 --> 00:15:42,769 And Jamaal needs turkey hot dogs. He's a Muslim. 330 00:15:42,772 --> 00:15:45,702 And I got a list of PlayStation games they want me to get. 331 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,695 Sounds like they're taking advantage of you, Son. 332 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,118 No, they're not. 333 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,410 Yes, they are. And you're too blind to even see it. 334 00:15:52,412 --> 00:15:56,542 This is you. "Hey, fellas. Take my skateboard and some self-respect. 335 00:15:56,536 --> 00:16:01,996 "What about my dignity? Hey, anybody want a kidney? I got two. 336 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:04,382 "As a matter of fact, why don't you take one of my testicles? 337 00:16:04,384 --> 00:16:07,144 "You could use it as a marble." 338 00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:08,637 It's not that bad. 339 00:16:08,638 --> 00:16:11,678 It is that bad. Where's the quid pro quo? 340 00:16:11,681 --> 00:16:14,221 I think Jamaal ate it. He thought it was chicken. 341 00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:16,774 Okay, Harvard is definitely out of the question. 342 00:16:16,766 --> 00:16:18,726 It means reciprocation. 343 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,018 These kids are not treating you like a friend, Junior. 344 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:24,151 They're treating you like you're some rich kid. And you're not. 345 00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:28,164 You're a poor kid with a well-off dad. 346 00:16:28,158 --> 00:16:30,738 You're wrong about this. They like me 'cause I can ball. 347 00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,240 Oh, I've seen you ball. You play like Jordan. 348 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,044 Really? Vernon Jordan. 349 00:16:37,617 --> 00:16:39,077 You know, you got a lot in common 350 00:16:39,079 --> 00:16:41,289 with some of the greatest players who ever played the game. 351 00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:43,461 Come on, Dad. You know what, it's a little-known fact 352 00:16:43,463 --> 00:16:47,303 that Allen Iverson used to run and get soy milk for his team. You know? 353 00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:50,007 And George Gervin, they called him the Iceman 354 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,759 'cause he used to run around and make sure everybody's drinks was cold. 355 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:57,102 They used to say, "Hey, get us some more ice, man." 356 00:16:57,097 --> 00:16:59,767 Magic Johnson still brings donuts to the Lakers. 357 00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:04,399 He said, (IMITATING) "Man, I can't start my day without Krispy Kremes." 358 00:17:07,107 --> 00:17:08,447 It's blue. 359 00:17:08,448 --> 00:17:10,608 Okay, what does that mean? 360 00:17:10,610 --> 00:17:13,450 "If the stick is blue, the results are positive." 361 00:17:13,453 --> 00:17:15,503 Oh, well, that's good news, right? 362 00:17:15,495 --> 00:17:17,615 No, positive means pregnant. 363 00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:19,288 Uh-oh. 364 00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,210 Hey, ladies. 365 00:17:21,211 --> 00:17:22,711 Daddy, don't you knock? 366 00:17:22,712 --> 00:17:25,262 Only on doors I don't own. 367 00:17:25,255 --> 00:17:28,085 But I couldn't contain myself. Look at this. 368 00:17:29,509 --> 00:17:31,669 Foxy dad. 369 00:17:33,012 --> 00:17:35,012 Everyone's doing it, huh? 370 00:17:35,635 --> 00:17:37,055 Oh, my God. 371 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,056 Hey, wait till you see me in my thong. 372 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,232 We gotta... We gotta go. 373 00:17:47,647 --> 00:17:49,487 The fellas call them a he-string. 374 00:17:49,489 --> 00:17:51,109 Bye, Dad. 375 00:17:56,826 --> 00:18:00,576 (STAMMERING) Whoa, wait a minute. 376 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,370 When did you start taking out trash? 377 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,473 I'm just trying to help out while Mom's away. 378 00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:07,915 Aw, that's so sweet, but I'll do that. 379 00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:10,007 Here, give it to me. 380 00:18:10,009 --> 00:18:11,669 Oh. Okay. 381 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,213 See you later. Bye. 382 00:18:14,214 --> 00:18:15,354 (IMITATING CLAIRE) Okay. 383 00:18:16,176 --> 00:18:17,806 Be back at 8:00. 384 00:18:25,985 --> 00:18:30,485 Mommy, I can't pretend to like the cookies. The cookies are yucky. 385 00:18:33,533 --> 00:18:35,703 Oops. I gotta go. 386 00:18:35,695 --> 00:18:38,195 You-know-who just walked in. Bye. 387 00:18:39,949 --> 00:18:41,949 Who was that on the phone? 388 00:18:43,082 --> 00:18:46,092 Santa. 389 00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:49,545 And what does he got to say in the middle of the summer? 390 00:18:54,053 --> 00:18:55,603 (PHONE RINGING) 391 00:18:59,058 --> 00:19:00,388 Hello? 392 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,720 Oh, hey, baby. 393 00:19:02,722 --> 00:19:06,072 Oh, no, no, she just misses you. That's all. 394 00:19:06,065 --> 00:19:08,645 No, everything is fine. 395 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,858 Yes, I'm positive. 396 00:19:12,732 --> 00:19:14,032 Positive. 397 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,240 Hi, Daddy. Hi, baby. Get over here. 398 00:19:26,546 --> 00:19:28,126 What's that? 399 00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:31,747 It's a whole lot of trouble in a little white stick. 400 00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:36,431 So I guess I was wrong. Charmaine hasn't been spending all her nights over here. 401 00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,256 Please don't tell her parents. 402 00:19:38,258 --> 00:19:39,968 I have to. 403 00:19:39,969 --> 00:19:44,099 Of course, I won't tell until she has the chance to tell them first. 404 00:19:44,103 --> 00:19:46,573 Dad, I really don't think it's any of your business. 405 00:19:46,566 --> 00:19:49,266 I can't sit back and pretend I don't know. 406 00:19:49,269 --> 00:19:51,939 I mean, how did Charmaine get herself into this mess, anyway? 407 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,981 She had sex. 408 00:19:53,983 --> 00:19:56,123 Right. The old-fashioned way. 409 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,116 Do me a favor, Dad. 410 00:19:59,118 --> 00:20:02,198 Let me talk to her first before you call her parents. 411 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,701 Okay, that's fair. 412 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,923 Thanks. You're the best. 413 00:20:09,589 --> 00:20:11,249 How did you know it was Charmaine? 414 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,921 What do you mean? 415 00:20:12,922 --> 00:20:16,302 The pregnancy test. How did you know it wasn't mine? 416 00:20:16,296 --> 00:20:20,386 Because I know my daughter, and I believe in her, and I trust her. 417 00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:22,470 Thanks, Dad. 418 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,732 Plus, you said you weren't gonna have sex until you were married to Will Smith. 419 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,145 That was before the Wild Wild West. 420 00:20:36,446 --> 00:20:39,116 MICHAEL: Next time on My Wife and Kids... 421 00:20:39,118 --> 00:20:42,618 I wanna finish telling you the story about the day you were born. 422 00:20:42,622 --> 00:20:45,332 MICHAEL: Actually, your birth was really quick and really easy. 423 00:20:45,325 --> 00:20:46,665 (SNEEZING) 424 00:20:48,328 --> 00:20:50,168 Here's what I think you should do. What? 425 00:20:50,169 --> 00:20:51,289 Talk to my father. 426 00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:52,961 Claire, your father? 427 00:20:52,962 --> 00:20:54,582 My dad's a pretty cool guy. 428 00:20:54,584 --> 00:20:57,144 Are you Shaquille O'Neal? 429 00:20:57,136 --> 00:20:58,426 Nobody's ever asked me that before.