1 00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:08,051 I've been thinking... 2 00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,922 Ugh. No. Again? No! 3 00:00:09,965 --> 00:00:12,403 Previously On "Kevin Can Himself"... 4 00:00:14,839 --> 00:00:16,233 No! 5 00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,408 If I could start over, and go somewhere else... 6 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,931 Sam. 7 00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,213 So, what did I miss the last 15 years? 8 00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:22,544 What's this? 9 00:00:22,586 --> 00:00:24,632 We're moving. 10 00:00:24,675 --> 00:00:26,765 Wake the hell up. The account's empty. 11 00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:29,071 We decided we're staying. 12 00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,333 We did? 13 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,087 So, this is, what? Seven days in a row? 14 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:47,046 You're sweet to notice. 15 00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,960 It's my new ritual. 16 00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:51,485 A scone, a book, and some peace. 17 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:52,921 Are you new to town? 18 00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,923 No. Lived here all my life, 19 00:00:54,966 --> 00:00:57,795 but I just never had any time for myself. 20 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,798 But since my husband passed... 21 00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:02,365 Oh, I didn't realize. 22 00:01:02,409 --> 00:01:04,150 I'm a widow. 23 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,108 How'd that happen? 24 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,153 Oh, I killed him. 25 00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,593 Oh. 26 00:01:11,635 --> 00:01:13,115 Good for you, honey. 27 00:01:13,159 --> 00:01:15,379 It's gotta be tough not getting caught. 28 00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:16,902 How'd you do it? 29 00:01:22,037 --> 00:01:25,475 I don't know how I did it. 30 00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:36,792 What the hell is happening?! 31 00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:39,141 It's Belichick Hoodie Day! 32 00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:42,014 What?! It's Belichick Hoodie Day! 33 00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,018 Oh, no. 34 00:01:46,061 --> 00:01:48,804 You okay, babe? 35 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,501 Definitely concussed. 36 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,807 And any other day, that'd bother me. 37 00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:55,027 But not today! 38 00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:58,204 Don't you wanna ask me why? 39 00:01:58,247 --> 00:02:01,033 Wh... Because my genuine Bill Belichick sweatshirt... 40 00:02:01,076 --> 00:02:03,165 Cut at the sleeves like a boss 41 00:02:03,209 --> 00:02:05,168 and worn to at least two Pats games... 42 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,388 Is arriving today! 43 00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:10,782 And, uh, how much you pay for a torn hoodie? 44 00:02:10,825 --> 00:02:12,871 I cannot and will not put a price 45 00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:16,004 on what the greatest coach of all time means to me. 46 00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:19,835 Okay, well, what price did the Internet put on it? 47 00:02:19,877 --> 00:02:23,752 More than our wedding, less than our car. 48 00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:27,015 Oh! I was having the nicest dream. 49 00:02:27,058 --> 00:02:28,973 Come on! You can sleep anytime! 50 00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:32,108 This is like Christmas morning! 51 00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:33,848 Okay, well, then, where's my present? 52 00:02:33,891 --> 00:02:35,415 Your present? 53 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:39,027 Well, I'm the gift that keeps on giving, baby! 54 00:02:39,070 --> 00:02:41,856 Belichick Hoodie Day! 55 00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:06,968 I killed him. 56 00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,489 Hey. 57 00:03:48,531 --> 00:03:50,317 Hey. 58 00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:57,324 It's, uh... It's Bill Belichick Hoodie Day. 59 00:03:57,366 --> 00:03:59,108 Oh, yes. 60 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,848 But I celebrate privately. 61 00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,420 Well, have a good one. 62 00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:20,651 Hey, where's our breakfast? 63 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,697 You're not supposed to have favorites. 64 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,175 Kevin's my husband. 65 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,569 Yeah, Neil, breakfast is for family. 66 00:04:26,613 --> 00:04:28,658 See, Kevin's the husband, I'm the father-in-law. 67 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,810 Yeah, and I'm like a brother. 68 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,314 No, you're more like a cousin 69 00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:34,317 who just got out of jail for stalking. 70 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,971 And everyone's secretly kind of hoping he goes back. 71 00:04:37,014 --> 00:04:39,191 How is Keith? Bad. 72 00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:40,715 Hey, babe? 73 00:04:40,757 --> 00:04:42,040 Can you go see if my package is here yet? 74 00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,238 Can't you do it? 75 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,372 I'm in the middle of something. 76 00:04:46,415 --> 00:04:49,593 Aw, man, I really need this hoodie. 77 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,682 The old self-esteem took a real hit this week 78 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,555 when the camera on my phone flipped to face me. 79 00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,207 So many chins. 80 00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:59,211 That's just baby fat, bro. 81 00:04:59,254 --> 00:05:01,475 Thanks, brother. 82 00:05:01,517 --> 00:05:05,216 Well, I checked, and no package yet. 83 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,654 Ugh! This is taking forever! 84 00:05:07,697 --> 00:05:10,788 What sins did I commit in a past life to deserve this? 85 00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:12,702 Past life? 86 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:17,012 Hon, you know what happens when you try to be funny. 87 00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,928 Kev, I think I hear a delivery truck coming down the street. 88 00:05:20,971 --> 00:05:22,713 Now he can get up. 89 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,932 Aw, man, it's just an ambulance! 90 00:05:24,975 --> 00:05:26,629 On our street? Please don't be for me. 91 00:05:26,673 --> 00:05:29,894 Please don't be for me. 92 00:05:29,937 --> 00:05:32,853 Hey, the new neighbors have packages on their stoop. 93 00:05:32,896 --> 00:05:34,377 What gives? 94 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,031 I saw her moving in, and I am not a fan. 95 00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,946 Bad vibes there, bro. 96 00:05:37,988 --> 00:05:39,250 Ooh, bad neighbors. 97 00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:42,254 What would that be like? 98 00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:43,908 You trying to be funny again? 99 00:05:43,951 --> 00:05:45,822 No. 100 00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,564 Good. 101 00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,391 And Neil's probably right. 102 00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,091 I went over there to be neighborly. 103 00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:54,417 Uh-huh. You know, make sure they know 104 00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,659 who's the alpha on the street. 105 00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:59,706 Hope you also told 'em who's the beta. 106 00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,031 And you know what they said when I asked them 107 00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,057 what their favorite football team was? 108 00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,276 Manchester United. 109 00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:05,755 Boo! Hiss! 110 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,454 Football is football. I mean, really, 111 00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:10,194 is nothing sacred? 112 00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,485 Hi. I was hoping to do s... 113 00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:24,007 Hey, there's no eating in here. 114 00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:26,141 This is a "liberry." 115 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,838 Of course. Sorry. 116 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,449 Um... 117 00:07:34,365 --> 00:07:37,151 Um, you want a napkin? 118 00:07:37,194 --> 00:07:38,805 Oh, no, I'm fine. 119 00:07:38,848 --> 00:07:42,418 Um, I was hoping to do some computer research. 120 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:45,202 I'm writing a book. Mm. 121 00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:47,988 It's a romance novel, actually. 122 00:07:48,031 --> 00:07:50,992 It's about a woman who's sad. 123 00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:54,560 She's very sad, and she just wasted the last 10 years 124 00:07:54,603 --> 00:07:57,564 of her life on this terrible marriage. 125 00:07:57,606 --> 00:07:59,521 Very pathetic. 126 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,915 It's very depressing in the beginning, but, um... 127 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,572 But then, one day, she realizes what she wants... 128 00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:07,747 Truly... and she has this brilliant plan. 129 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:10,446 She keeps playing perfect housewife, 130 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,579 - but in the meantime. - -Affair with her neighbor? 131 00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:13,579 What? 132 00:08:13,622 --> 00:08:15,798 No. 133 00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:19,019 She decides to kill her husband. 134 00:08:19,062 --> 00:08:21,718 Why wouldn't she just leave? 135 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,199 Leave? 136 00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,548 Like it's easy? 137 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,420 Like he'd just let her take the $194 she has 138 00:08:29,464 --> 00:08:31,031 and buy a bus ticket to Jersey? 139 00:08:31,074 --> 00:08:32,423 What... No. What would she do? 140 00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,383 Sleep on the street? 141 00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,775 No, he'd find her anyway. 142 00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:38,561 And maybe she doesn't want to leave. 143 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,972 Maybe this isn't about leaving at all. 144 00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:43,610 Maybe she wants him dead, and he deserves it. 145 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:46,700 How is that romantic? 146 00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,352 It's aspirational. 147 00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:54,316 Computers are in back. 148 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,926 Thank you. 149 00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,503 Hi. Excuse me? 150 00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:52,982 Sir? 151 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:57,030 Um, sir? 152 00:09:57,073 --> 00:10:02,384 Hey, sorry, um, how did you get past the, uh... 153 00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,602 The firewall? 154 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:08,912 Sorry, excuse me? 155 00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:09,870 Hey. 156 00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,740 Oh! 157 00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:16,441 Oh, shit. 158 00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:17,703 Uh... 159 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:29,323 You okay? 160 00:10:29,366 --> 00:10:31,760 Um... I don't know. 161 00:10:31,804 --> 00:10:34,328 I've never found a dead body before, 162 00:10:34,371 --> 00:10:36,287 so I don't really know if I did it right. 163 00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,941 "Did it right"? 164 00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,615 Well, I just didn't realize I'd be so rattled. 165 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,249 Better than being used to it. 166 00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:43,076 By now, an OD is welcome. 167 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,514 At least oxys aren't a mess. 168 00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:48,342 We got this call once... 300-pound dude, 169 00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:50,495 dead in his fourth floor walk-up for like five months. 170 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,259 Wait, this guy overdosed? 171 00:10:52,302 --> 00:10:53,696 Yeah. 172 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,177 But he was wearing a Patagonia vest. 173 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,527 Okay? Well, he could afford to shop at REI. 174 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,181 He wasn't living on the street. 175 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,096 Yeah, there's no type for this sort of thing anymore. 176 00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:05,360 All kinds of people OD. 177 00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,708 Really? 178 00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,363 Sure. 179 00:11:08,405 --> 00:11:09,581 So 180 00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,801 Like, anyone c... 181 00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:17,153 Garbage men, cable guys, could be on oxys? 182 00:11:17,197 --> 00:11:19,461 Yeah, grandmas, frat kids. 183 00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:22,376 Three of my cousins. 184 00:11:22,419 --> 00:11:25,119 I don't remember the last time I was shocked by an oxy OD. 185 00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,599 But that 300-pound dude leaking through the ceiling? 186 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,427 That was a surprise. 187 00:11:30,471 --> 00:11:32,168 Waitress: So, how'd you do it? 188 00:11:32,212 --> 00:11:35,129 I killed him with oxycodone and made it look like an OD. 189 00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,607 Brilliant. 190 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,312 Hello, Allison. 191 00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:46,749 Hi, Dr. Gaetz. 192 00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,056 Thank you for, uh, seeing me so quickly. 193 00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,754 Of course. Kev carried the bowling team on Thursday. 194 00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,755 I owe him one. Ah. 195 00:11:53,799 --> 00:11:55,995 So, uh, first up, we're gonna get your height and weight, 196 00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,977 and then we'll... Oh, do we have to? 197 00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:00,676 'Cause I'm just... I'm just here with some back trouble. 198 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,677 Yep. Still need your height and weight. 199 00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,941 Come on. Take off my shoes. 200 00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,551 It really doesn't matter. 201 00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,778 So, you're having some back pain. 202 00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:20,477 Yeah, um, lower back, mostly, on the right-hand side. 203 00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:24,264 I have to, uh, carry a lot of boxes at the package store, 204 00:12:24,307 --> 00:12:26,832 and it think I must have just kind of tweaked last week 205 00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:29,661 carrying a box of Olde E onto the hand truck. 206 00:12:32,054 --> 00:12:34,076 I know I should wear a brace, but I have a hard time 207 00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,190 admitting when I need help. 208 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,851 My, uh... My Uncle Chu... 209 00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:49,028 Well, you know Chuck. 210 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,466 Um, he has a slipped disc, 211 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,860 and said that there's some pills that, um, 212 00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,600 seem to be really helping him. 213 00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,304 Allison. Mm-hmm? 214 00:13:04,347 --> 00:13:07,743 You know, pain medication, 215 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,397 it's not given out lightly. 216 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,791 Yeah, no, I... Yeah, and I... 217 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,313 I wouldn't expect that you... 218 00:13:13,356 --> 00:13:15,490 They're only given out for people in real pain. 219 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:18,667 Of course. 220 00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:22,845 These types of pills get abused very often. 221 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,195 Yeah, I've heard. 222 00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:28,503 I've... I've heard that is... It's awful. 223 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,463 Yeah. Ugh, yeah, yeah, right. 224 00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,900 I am... I'm fine, and I don't 225 00:13:34,943 --> 00:13:36,859 want to get mixed up in all... All that. 226 00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:39,905 I haven't even tried acupuncture yet, so... 227 00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:42,559 You talk to Kevin about this? 228 00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:44,953 Uh, about my back? 229 00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,086 I'm sure he'd want to chat about it... 230 00:13:47,129 --> 00:13:50,133 Your..."pain." 231 00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,918 I could call him with you if you'd like... 232 00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,571 No, no, no. 233 00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,746 I... I don't want to bother him with all that. 234 00:13:55,790 --> 00:13:57,052 I am... I'm fine. 235 00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:58,750 Allison. 236 00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:01,666 I think what you really need is to talk to someone. 237 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,842 Maybe not Kevin, but a... 238 00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,235 A girlfriend or a... A book club. 239 00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,369 You got a book club where you sit around 240 00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,587 with wine and chat about things? 241 00:14:10,631 --> 00:14:12,547 Eh, not really. 242 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,549 Well, maybe a coworker. 243 00:14:15,592 --> 00:14:17,465 Before you try 244 00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,466 acupuncture, 245 00:14:19,509 --> 00:14:20,903 I think you need to talk. 246 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:28,868 That'll be $75 for today's visit. 247 00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:31,913 Yeah, sure. 248 00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,797 You know, if you're looking for a good person... 249 00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,886 Someone to talk to... I know someone. 250 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:49,125 Great with this sort of thing. 251 00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,585 A-A professional. No, thanks. 252 00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,673 I don't do therapy. 253 00:14:52,716 --> 00:14:55,197 It's worth considering. 254 00:14:55,241 --> 00:14:57,634 Yeah, well, just the thought of paying a stranger 255 00:14:57,678 --> 00:14:59,419 to listen to me complain... I... 256 00:14:59,462 --> 00:15:01,029 I-It's not like that. 257 00:15:01,073 --> 00:15:02,857 Well, it's just, it's not for me. 258 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,226 I swear, she helped my sister-in-law. 259 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,600 Same thing. Alright? 260 00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:06,969 Needed a little something for herself. 261 00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:07,775 Maybe not the greatest marriage... 262 00:15:07,818 --> 00:15:09,385 Oh. Thank you. 263 00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:36,717 Oh. Ugh. 264 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,677 No, no. I got it. 265 00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,028 Yeah, I'm... I'm not sure why I'm the one 266 00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,855 hauling all the boxes back and forth. 267 00:15:44,899 --> 00:15:46,815 Even though I got 15 years on you. 268 00:15:46,857 --> 00:15:49,164 It's fine. Allison: Sorry. 269 00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:52,298 Uh, my back's been hurting a little bit. 270 00:15:52,341 --> 00:15:54,865 How's Uncle Chuck's back been doing, by the way? 271 00:15:54,909 --> 00:15:57,043 Uh, well, you know. 272 00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,280 Waiting for the insurance company 273 00:15:58,304 --> 00:16:00,394 to approve the surgery on his bulging disc, 274 00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:03,484 and still saying the procedure's "experimental." 275 00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,006 I mean, they know he needs it. 276 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,008 I don't know what the big experiment is. 277 00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,488 So... Right. 278 00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,793 He's pretty much laid up asking for meatball subs 279 00:16:09,837 --> 00:16:11,666 and whiskey rocks from the couch. 280 00:16:11,708 --> 00:16:14,711 But it's fine. 281 00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,366 You still, uh, dole out his pain meds, or...? 282 00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,195 Ugh. 283 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,825 Chuck says it makes him feel like a child, 284 00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,633 having me be in charge of him, so... 285 00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:24,025 Yeah. 286 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,394 He insists he can handle it himself 287 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,159 and I don't wanna argue anymore. 288 00:16:30,379 --> 00:16:31,686 Allison. 289 00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,600 Huh? 290 00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:35,690 Are you giving up? 291 00:16:35,732 --> 00:16:39,302 Uh, how do you mean? 292 00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,302 B... 293 00:16:40,346 --> 00:16:44,264 What's going on here? 294 00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:45,743 Oh, uh... 295 00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:48,398 You like like 10 miles of bad highway. 296 00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:51,445 It's, uh, actually my new favorite. 297 00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,707 Oh, it... it's got stains. 298 00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:55,317 I know. 299 00:16:55,361 --> 00:16:57,581 I like 'em. 300 00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,539 Okay. 301 00:16:59,582 --> 00:17:02,673 Thing is... this sweatshirt is actually a... 302 00:17:02,716 --> 00:17:05,588 I mean, you've got a good shape going on under all of that. 303 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,678 Don't just let yourself go. 304 00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:10,681 It's not fair to Kev to just give up. 305 00:17:10,724 --> 00:17:14,336 Not fair to Kev? 306 00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:17,210 Look, I should be wearing orthopedic shoes 307 00:17:17,252 --> 00:17:19,080 from Hawley Lane for my plantars, 308 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,170 but Chuck says they make me look like a night nurse 309 00:17:21,213 --> 00:17:22,779 coming in to change his diaper. 310 00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,173 Mm. So what do I do? 311 00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,306 I go over to Target, I get myself nice flats. 312 00:17:26,348 --> 00:17:29,526 I deal with my arches on my own time. 313 00:17:29,569 --> 00:17:31,788 Okay, well, you know you don't have to do that, right? 314 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,314 'Cause that's... that's crazy. 315 00:17:34,356 --> 00:17:35,489 No, honey. 316 00:17:35,531 --> 00:17:38,665 That's marriage. 317 00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:43,365 Uh, h-h-has Kev seen this new look? 318 00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,673 No.Oh, good. 319 00:17:45,715 --> 00:17:47,108 No, I just wear this here. 320 00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,588 Oh.'Cause I... I get cold. 321 00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,547 Yeah, yeah. 322 00:17:50,590 --> 00:17:52,767 Well, okay. 323 00:17:52,809 --> 00:17:55,161 I'll pick up a space heater from Lowe's. 324 00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:56,901 Warm you right up. 325 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,550 Ugh. 326 00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:38,855 The minute I saw them! 327 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,294 They took it! I know they did! 328 00:18:41,336 --> 00:18:43,730 What's going on here? Oh! 329 00:18:43,773 --> 00:18:45,993 I've got a terrible feeling about something. 330 00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:48,170 Let's check it out, shall we? 331 00:18:48,213 --> 00:18:50,519 Alexer? Where's my stuff? 332 00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:55,438 What the hell? It works for you! 333 00:18:55,481 --> 00:18:56,613 Well, it's not "Alexer." 334 00:18:56,656 --> 00:18:58,441 It's "Alexa." 335 00:18:58,484 --> 00:18:59,747 That's what I'm saying. 336 00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,356 Alexer. 337 00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:04,011 Alexer, where's my stuff? 338 00:19:05,491 --> 00:19:07,580 What am I doing wrong?! 339 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,757 Speaking English. 340 00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:12,977 Okay, try this. Say "Alexer." 341 00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:14,631 Alexa. 342 00:19:14,674 --> 00:19:16,198 There ya go. 343 00:19:16,241 --> 00:19:18,982 Alexa, where's my stuff? 344 00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:22,464 One shipment was delivered for Kevin today. 345 00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,250 Foul play! 346 00:19:24,292 --> 00:19:26,251 My Belichick hoodie... The closest thing 347 00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,644 I have to a child... was stolen! 348 00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,125 Ugh. You don't want children. 349 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,039 Remember? You said it pulls focus 350 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,443 from what really matters in life... 351 00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,086 Your needs. 352 00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,698 That sweatshirt was gonna be my test case... 353 00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:39,655 My pride and joy. 354 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,920 Instead, it's probably stuffed in the neighbor's closet. 355 00:19:42,963 --> 00:19:46,271 All cold and alone. 356 00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:49,710 Not even knowing I'm trying to find it. 357 00:19:49,752 --> 00:19:51,451 It knows, Kev. 358 00:19:51,493 --> 00:19:54,279 Damn foreigners are tearing my boy apart! 359 00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,717 Pete, you blame hurricanes on foreigners. 360 00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:58,284 Are you sure it's them? 361 00:19:58,326 --> 00:20:00,938 Maybe it was just a mistake with the mailman. 362 00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:03,593 Allison, whose side are you on? 363 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,726 Sanity's. 364 00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:09,250 Well, it's obvious what has to be done. 365 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,252 Set UPS on fire. 366 00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:14,473 No.Set the neighbors on fire. 367 00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,345 No! 368 00:20:16,388 --> 00:20:19,695 Neil, we don't let you do fire anymore, remember? 369 00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:21,132 I know. 370 00:20:21,175 --> 00:20:23,003 But still 371 00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:24,832 the flame 372 00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:28,530 she calls to me. 373 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,534 We have to have a Revolutionary War reboot! 374 00:20:31,577 --> 00:20:33,144 I love a reboot. 375 00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:35,451 This is almost as good as the new "CHiPs"! 376 00:20:35,494 --> 00:20:37,365 Rebels versus Redcoats. 377 00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:41,108 Stealing that sweatshirt was as bad as the Boston Massacre. 378 00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,980 Worse! 379 00:20:43,023 --> 00:20:45,721 You guys said the same thing about cinnamon gum. 380 00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:48,421 It's too hot. 381 00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:51,771 Gum is meant to be minty and refreshing. 382 00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:52,772 It's on! 383 00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,383 Pat, go to the salon. 384 00:20:54,426 --> 00:20:55,578 Get those leftover Roman candles. 385 00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:57,211 We're gonna need ammo. Roger that. 386 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,213 You left the fireworks at the salon? 387 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,930 There's so many times I wanted to use them! 388 00:21:00,954 --> 00:21:04,523 We don't let you do fire anymore! 389 00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:05,786 Let's go, men! 390 00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:07,308 We got a war to win! 391 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:08,528 Yes! Ow! 392 00:21:08,570 --> 00:21:09,571 Oh! Hernia! 393 00:21:09,615 --> 00:21:10,964 Alright, I'm good! 394 00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:12,923 You alright? I'm good! 395 00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:14,969 We're men! 396 00:21:15,011 --> 00:21:16,665 U.S.A.! Ow! 397 00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:19,756 U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 398 00:21:19,799 --> 00:21:21,540 U.S.A.! 399 00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:22,715 Hi. 400 00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:23,717 Hey. 401 00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:26,588 Hey. Oh. 402 00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:28,982 What's up? Nothin'. 403 00:21:29,026 --> 00:21:30,984 'Cause I've been dying to show you, uh... 404 00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,614 Just, like, show someone. Can it wait? 405 00:21:32,638 --> 00:21:34,051 I gotta get to the salon and start looking 406 00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:35,729 for those Roman candles. They're buried 407 00:21:35,771 --> 00:21:37,010 in the crawl space somewhere and I'm gonna hit my head 408 00:21:37,034 --> 00:21:39,776 at least three times trying to get 'em. 409 00:21:39,819 --> 00:21:43,737 You're actually gonna help them with that? 410 00:21:43,779 --> 00:21:45,346 Yeah. 411 00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:46,782 Oh. 412 00:21:46,826 --> 00:21:49,263 What? No, nothing. 413 00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:50,502 I just thought that we were, uh... 414 00:21:50,526 --> 00:21:53,442 "We"? 415 00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:55,530 I never really thought of us as a "we." 416 00:21:58,838 --> 00:22:01,493 Yeah. Right. 417 00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:03,146 My mistake. 418 00:22:05,888 --> 00:22:08,195 So why the hell you tell me about the money, then? 419 00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,980 About Kevin? 420 00:22:10,023 --> 00:22:11,262 I called the bank, and you were right. 421 00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:14,288 The money's gone. 422 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,377 You blew up my life. Was that just for fun? 423 00:22:18,945 --> 00:22:20,643 No. 424 00:22:24,255 --> 00:22:27,476 I felt sorry for you. 425 00:22:27,519 --> 00:22:30,435 Convincing yourself all your dreams are gonna come true. 426 00:22:30,479 --> 00:22:32,196 That you were destined for something bigger than this. 427 00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:34,788 That you were gonna be happy. 428 00:22:34,830 --> 00:22:37,094 It was hard to watch. 429 00:22:37,137 --> 00:22:39,880 I'm bad with cringe comedy. 430 00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:43,884 Okay. So, I'm an idiot for wanting something, 431 00:22:43,926 --> 00:22:46,016 and you're fine with hitting your head 432 00:22:46,059 --> 00:22:48,584 looking for the Roman candles for the rest of your life? 433 00:22:50,759 --> 00:22:54,373 Yes. 434 00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:56,375 You felt sorry for me. 435 00:23:29,058 --> 00:23:30,059 They're oatmeal raisin! 436 00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:31,887 Oh! Ugh! 437 00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:33,628 Why would you put fruit in a cookie? 438 00:23:33,673 --> 00:23:35,848 Mixed messaging! 439 00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,720 Like a dessert with homework. 440 00:23:37,763 --> 00:23:40,896 Yeah, it's like putting a vegetable in a... a cookie. 441 00:23:43,943 --> 00:23:45,945 Oh, dear God. 442 00:23:45,989 --> 00:23:48,035 No need to invoke the Lord. 443 00:23:48,077 --> 00:23:49,471 The neighbors stole my jersey, 444 00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:52,909 so I rightfully stole one of theirs. 445 00:23:52,952 --> 00:23:55,172 Pretty sure we got the Big Man's blessing on this. 446 00:23:55,215 --> 00:23:58,087 After all... eye for an eye, tit for tit. 447 00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:02,135 Look, does it always have to be "tit for tit"? 448 00:24:02,179 --> 00:24:03,876 Can't just you let some things go? 449 00:24:05,355 --> 00:24:07,576 This is a Revolutionary War, Allison. 450 00:24:07,619 --> 00:24:09,099 Could you imagine if George Washington 451 00:24:09,143 --> 00:24:11,492 just "let things go"? 452 00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:14,104 Yeah, I can. We'd be Communists. 453 00:24:14,147 --> 00:24:16,977 Oh, honey. Not even close. 454 00:24:17,019 --> 00:24:18,847 Well, look at me. I had a tiff with a friend, 455 00:24:18,892 --> 00:24:21,154 so I baked some cookies to make peace. 456 00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:23,505 What friend? They're made up. 457 00:24:23,548 --> 00:24:26,160 Just like leprechauns. 458 00:24:26,202 --> 00:24:27,377 You taught me that. 459 00:24:27,422 --> 00:24:30,381 Ouugh! 460 00:24:30,424 --> 00:24:32,557 It was on the doorstep. 461 00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,559 It's a message. 462 00:24:34,603 --> 00:24:37,692 You want to let it go now, Allison?! 463 00:24:37,737 --> 00:24:39,302 So, what is the message, exactly? 464 00:24:39,346 --> 00:24:41,261 That they're not playing around. 465 00:24:41,305 --> 00:24:43,351 Look at this! 466 00:24:43,394 --> 00:24:47,007 It's clearly a Deflategate dig, and it is not taken well. 467 00:24:47,049 --> 00:24:49,009 Again, not even close. 468 00:24:49,051 --> 00:24:51,271 Grrrgh! 469 00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:52,534 Wait up! 470 00:24:52,577 --> 00:24:54,013 Drgh! 471 00:24:59,019 --> 00:25:01,238 Really. 472 00:25:01,281 --> 00:25:03,326 What friend are these for? 473 00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,241 Uh, someone who doesn't pretend to hate things 474 00:25:05,286 --> 00:25:07,722 they like just to be one of the guys. 475 00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:10,596 Jesus, are you an after-school special? 476 00:25:11,857 --> 00:25:13,555 Come on. 477 00:25:13,598 --> 00:25:16,426 It's someone I can actually talk to. 478 00:25:16,471 --> 00:25:19,256 Hi.Oh, what the hell? 479 00:25:19,299 --> 00:25:20,953 No, I know. I just came to apologize. 480 00:25:20,997 --> 00:25:22,346 Careful, Marcus. 481 00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:23,628 Barbie might break your nose this time. 482 00:25:23,652 --> 00:25:25,740 Okay. Come here. Come here. Come here. 483 00:25:25,785 --> 00:25:27,351 Come here. What are you... 484 00:25:27,394 --> 00:25:29,005 Look, I was in a terrible place that day, 485 00:25:29,048 --> 00:25:30,615 and I made a huge mistake. 486 00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:32,158 I've never actually slapped anyone before... 487 00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,291 Whoa, no, no, no. Hold on. You didn't slap me, tough guy. 488 00:25:34,315 --> 00:25:36,403 I was fine. Okay. 489 00:25:36,447 --> 00:25:38,624 Uh, of course. 490 00:25:38,666 --> 00:25:42,584 Either way, I was very rude, and, um, 491 00:25:42,627 --> 00:25:45,544 so I wanted to make it up to you. 492 00:25:45,586 --> 00:25:47,371 Are you serious? 493 00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:48,634 I dunno. 494 00:25:48,676 --> 00:25:50,243 Everyone likes cookies. 495 00:25:50,287 --> 00:25:52,811 It's a good gift. 496 00:25:52,855 --> 00:25:54,050 You're not gonna be a pain in the ass 497 00:25:54,074 --> 00:25:55,354 asking me for coke now, are you? 498 00:25:55,378 --> 00:25:58,469 No, no, no, no, no. No. 499 00:25:58,512 --> 00:26:01,080 Gave me some interesting ideas, but, uh, 500 00:26:01,124 --> 00:26:03,386 I feel like my body's still recovering. 501 00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:05,825 No, uh... 502 00:26:05,867 --> 00:26:07,042 I want oxys. 503 00:26:07,086 --> 00:26:08,522 Jesus Christ. 504 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,480 Just like 10 to 15 pills. 505 00:26:10,525 --> 00:26:12,720 I've already tried to get a doctor to give them to me... 506 00:26:12,744 --> 00:26:14,702 Of course your first thought was to ask nicely. 507 00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:16,202 He just sent me to a therapist, and I... 508 00:26:16,226 --> 00:26:17,663 I need these. 509 00:26:17,705 --> 00:26:20,186 I'm in very real pain. 510 00:26:20,230 --> 00:26:22,405 Marcus, use your rape whistle. 511 00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:24,973 Okay. Private conversation. 512 00:26:29,761 --> 00:26:33,068 Look, I don't have that shit on me, okay? 513 00:26:33,113 --> 00:26:34,635 I... I'm not that guy. 514 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:39,205 But, uh, I can hook you up with one. 515 00:26:39,249 --> 00:26:41,686 Really? 516 00:26:41,730 --> 00:26:43,165 Oh, my God, okay. 517 00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:45,907 Thank you. 518 00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:49,390 Be on the 14th Street overpass at midnight. 519 00:26:49,432 --> 00:26:51,086 Tonight. Okay. 520 00:26:51,131 --> 00:26:52,237 Don't try to pay in cookies. 521 00:26:52,261 --> 00:26:55,090 N-No. 522 00:26:55,134 --> 00:26:56,875 No, okay. 523 00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:58,486 Uh, thank you. 524 00:26:58,528 --> 00:27:00,053 Mm-hmm. 525 00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:06,058 Uh, hey, I know it's not cash, but, uh, do you think 526 00:27:06,102 --> 00:27:08,496 that he'd think that this hoodie was worth something? 527 00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:13,369 Oh, it looks awful. 528 00:27:13,413 --> 00:27:16,547 Uh, t-this was... This was worn by Belichick. 529 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,116 Bill Belichick? 530 00:27:21,161 --> 00:27:23,729 My, uh... my husband paid Lord knows how much for it, 531 00:27:23,771 --> 00:27:25,164 but God forbid I ask. 532 00:27:25,208 --> 00:27:26,949 Lady. Um, Allison. 533 00:27:26,992 --> 00:27:29,169 I don't want to know your name or your story. 534 00:27:29,211 --> 00:27:31,692 I don't care. Right. 535 00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:33,739 Now get the hell out of here. 536 00:27:33,781 --> 00:27:35,522 Okay. Bye-bye, now. 537 00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:36,567 Yes. Goodbye. 538 00:27:36,611 --> 00:27:38,700 Okay. Okay. 539 00:27:38,743 --> 00:27:42,182 Thank you. Thanks for the raisin cookies. 540 00:27:42,224 --> 00:27:43,923 Don't worry about washing the bowl. 541 00:27:50,364 --> 00:27:51,582 - Gah! 542 00:27:52,974 --> 00:27:54,759 What are you doing?! Gotta protect my lady. 543 00:27:54,802 --> 00:27:55,760 Can't be too cautious. 544 00:27:55,804 --> 00:27:57,632 Well, can't you?! 545 00:27:57,675 --> 00:28:00,068 Not when the neighbors lit our garbage cans on fire. 546 00:28:00,113 --> 00:28:01,941 They what?! Why would they do that? 547 00:28:01,983 --> 00:28:04,421 Well, after Knife-In-Football-Gate, 548 00:28:04,464 --> 00:28:06,945 I had one of those strokes of genius. 549 00:28:06,989 --> 00:28:09,730 I shoved a cherry bomb inside a soccer... 550 00:28:09,775 --> 00:28:12,820 Soccer! 551 00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:15,301 Ball, and I put it on their front lawn. 552 00:28:15,345 --> 00:28:16,781 A true message. 553 00:28:16,825 --> 00:28:19,609 What, that soccer blows? 554 00:28:19,653 --> 00:28:20,873 Solid. 555 00:28:22,178 --> 00:28:24,746 What? N-No. 556 00:28:24,789 --> 00:28:26,616 That they cannot mess with me! 557 00:28:26,661 --> 00:28:29,490 And that message was received. 558 00:28:29,532 --> 00:28:31,012 You should have seen it. 559 00:28:31,057 --> 00:28:33,015 The sparks! The colors! 560 00:28:33,058 --> 00:28:34,799 Little flaming hexagons flying everywhere. 561 00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:38,586 It was... It was... It was spectacular! 562 00:28:38,628 --> 00:28:40,980 But I also burned their lawn. 563 00:28:41,022 --> 00:28:42,459 Youlit their lawn on fire? 564 00:28:42,502 --> 00:28:44,156 I heard about that. It's fine. 565 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,028 A little singe will just make the grass 566 00:28:46,072 --> 00:28:47,769 grow back twice as lush... 567 00:28:47,813 --> 00:28:50,945 If it's anything like my foot hair. 568 00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:52,532 So, that's when they torched our garbage cans? 569 00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:53,601 Yeah. Can you believe it? 570 00:28:53,644 --> 00:28:55,603 It's practically arson. 571 00:28:55,645 --> 00:28:56,925 Well, you lit their lawn on fire! 572 00:28:56,951 --> 00:28:58,387 They stole my sweatshirt! 573 00:28:58,432 --> 00:29:00,215 You burned down their pergola! 574 00:29:00,259 --> 00:29:04,263 Irregardless, this is all just ramping up so fast, 575 00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:05,830 we had to beef up security. 576 00:29:05,874 --> 00:29:06,832 And that's our security? 577 00:29:06,875 --> 00:29:08,355 Well, the bat is step one. 578 00:29:08,397 --> 00:29:09,790 Step two is... 579 00:29:09,835 --> 00:29:12,228 Ah, Neil returns with step three. 580 00:29:12,271 --> 00:29:13,534 I sent him to my guy. 581 00:29:13,576 --> 00:29:15,665 He's former SWAT. 582 00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:17,058 Neil, what are you doing? 583 00:29:17,103 --> 00:29:19,365 Well, this is what your guy gave me. 584 00:29:19,409 --> 00:29:20,976 Kev! You caved! 585 00:29:21,019 --> 00:29:23,152 Wha? 586 00:29:23,195 --> 00:29:25,023 You got me a dog?'Course not. 587 00:29:25,067 --> 00:29:26,807 My "No Pets" rule stands. 588 00:29:26,852 --> 00:29:30,028 I refuse not to be the cutest thing in this house. 589 00:29:30,071 --> 00:29:31,638 Impossible, babe. 590 00:29:31,682 --> 00:29:33,989 Besides, that's not a dog. 591 00:29:34,032 --> 00:29:35,295 That's a mistake. 592 00:29:35,337 --> 00:29:36,991 Neil, I-I sent you to my guy to get, 593 00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:39,994 like, a rifle or a crossbow or something. 594 00:29:40,038 --> 00:29:41,712 Yeah, well, your guy said this was the most weapon 595 00:29:41,736 --> 00:29:43,519 I could handle. 596 00:29:43,564 --> 00:29:45,695 It's something. Is it? 597 00:29:45,740 --> 00:29:48,699 I don't know. He looks tired. 598 00:29:48,742 --> 00:29:50,179 Maybe a little slow. 599 00:29:50,222 --> 00:29:51,833 Yeah. 600 00:29:51,876 --> 00:29:54,836 And lazy. 601 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,317 Doesn't seem like McRoberts material. 602 00:29:58,971 --> 00:30:02,104 Dog, you're here on a trial basis. 603 00:30:02,147 --> 00:30:04,498 No name till you're off probation. 604 00:30:04,540 --> 00:30:06,239 And no cavortin' with my wife. 605 00:30:07,674 --> 00:30:09,111 Okay, so, what's step two? 606 00:30:09,154 --> 00:30:10,329 Huh? 607 00:30:10,373 --> 00:30:11,679 Well, step one's the bat. 608 00:30:11,721 --> 00:30:12,897 Step three is the dog. 609 00:30:12,941 --> 00:30:14,769 So what's step two? 610 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:17,903 Oh, I installed a full DING security system outside. 611 00:30:17,945 --> 00:30:20,470 Cameras at every door, motion-sensored. 612 00:30:20,513 --> 00:30:21,731 I've got it wired, babe. 613 00:30:21,776 --> 00:30:23,604 I'm feeling diligent, 614 00:30:23,646 --> 00:30:24,605 focused. 615 00:30:26,172 --> 00:30:28,782 You got chips there? 616 00:30:28,826 --> 00:30:30,740 I brought them from home. Did you, now? 617 00:30:30,785 --> 00:30:31,849 You know what they say about sharing. 618 00:30:31,873 --> 00:30:33,527 No. Gimme. 619 00:30:47,540 --> 00:30:48,933 God damn it. 620 00:31:05,732 --> 00:31:07,299 Hi. 621 00:31:07,343 --> 00:31:09,258 Good boy. 622 00:31:09,301 --> 00:31:10,519 Hmm? 623 00:31:10,564 --> 00:31:12,347 That's a good boy. 624 00:31:12,392 --> 00:31:13,609 What's this? 625 00:31:13,653 --> 00:31:15,047 Yeah, you're a good boy. 626 00:31:18,310 --> 00:31:20,355 Well, actually, no. 627 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:21,464 That's not a nice thing to say. 628 00:31:21,488 --> 00:31:24,056 I'm sorry. 629 00:31:24,098 --> 00:31:27,102 Good boys don't get to do anything fun. 630 00:31:27,145 --> 00:31:28,711 Trust me, I get it. 631 00:31:31,801 --> 00:31:34,108 This is my first time sneaking out of a house. 632 00:31:36,676 --> 00:31:39,809 Why'd I wait so long to do something like this, huh? 633 00:31:39,854 --> 00:31:42,813 It's exciting. 634 00:31:42,856 --> 00:31:44,380 It'll be a good story. 635 00:31:49,211 --> 00:31:51,125 Oh. 636 00:31:53,214 --> 00:31:55,957 Hey. 637 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,827 You wanna know another good story? 638 00:32:01,048 --> 00:32:02,921 I stole the goddamn hoodie. 639 00:32:05,792 --> 00:32:07,576 Don't rat me out, okay, pal? 640 00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:14,410 Thank you. 641 00:32:14,453 --> 00:32:16,238 You stay there. 642 00:33:05,287 --> 00:33:06,593 Uh... 643 00:33:06,635 --> 00:33:08,073 You Marcus' girl? 644 00:33:08,115 --> 00:33:10,117 Yeah. Well, no. 645 00:33:10,162 --> 00:33:13,817 I'm not his girl, but... I got ya. 646 00:33:13,861 --> 00:33:16,429 Uh, how do you wanna do this? 647 00:33:16,471 --> 00:33:18,692 Uh... 648 00:33:18,734 --> 00:33:21,694 However you'd normally do it is good, I guess. 649 00:33:21,738 --> 00:33:24,306 Money first? 650 00:33:24,349 --> 00:33:26,090 Sounds good. 651 00:33:26,134 --> 00:33:28,396 W-What do you want to pay... So, what? Oh. 652 00:33:28,441 --> 00:33:30,529 You g... Uh, y-you go first. Sorry. 653 00:33:30,573 --> 00:33:33,923 Uh, $200? No way. 654 00:33:33,968 --> 00:33:35,772 Most girls in your position would be kissing the ground 655 00:33:35,796 --> 00:33:37,015 I walk on for that price. 656 00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:40,757 Well, I'm not most girls, so 657 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:42,237 $120, final offer. 658 00:33:46,849 --> 00:33:48,677 Get in. 659 00:33:58,688 --> 00:34:00,559 Uh, where we going? 660 00:34:00,603 --> 00:34:02,170 We can't do this right here. 661 00:34:15,009 --> 00:34:16,576 Oh. 662 00:34:20,710 --> 00:34:22,972 S... Uh... So, you got the stuff? 663 00:34:23,016 --> 00:34:25,541 Oh... Oh, I got your stuff right here. 664 00:34:25,585 --> 00:34:27,847 No, what? What the hell are you doing? 665 00:34:27,891 --> 00:34:29,371 Oh, right. 666 00:34:29,414 --> 00:34:32,070 Marcus said you were into that sort of thing. 667 00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:33,809 "Oh, no, Mister. I'm not that kind of guy." 668 00:34:33,853 --> 00:34:36,335 What?! No! No! I'm not gonna have sex with you! 669 00:34:36,378 --> 00:34:38,728 Marcus said I... I would have sex with you?! 670 00:34:38,771 --> 00:34:40,947 E... That's usually what the money's for, yeah. 671 00:34:40,990 --> 00:34:43,907 Oh, my... No, I'm not a prostitu... 672 00:34:43,951 --> 00:34:46,300 Marcus said that you'd sell me pills. 673 00:34:46,344 --> 00:34:48,172 Like, drugs? 674 00:34:48,215 --> 00:34:51,306 La... Lady, I sell life insurance. 675 00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,746 Marcus was trying to get back at me, so it... 676 00:34:57,791 --> 00:35:00,141 I'm sorry, I have to go. 677 00:35:00,184 --> 00:35:01,489 Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ah! 678 00:35:01,534 --> 00:35:02,751 God damn! Oh! 679 00:35:02,795 --> 00:35:04,362 What the hell?! 680 00:35:04,405 --> 00:35:06,626 I-I... I... I was just trying to tell you 681 00:35:06,668 --> 00:35:07,988 there's a child lock on that door. 682 00:35:08,018 --> 00:35:09,324 Oh, my God. 683 00:35:09,367 --> 00:35:11,413 You... You broke my frickin' nose! 684 00:35:11,456 --> 00:35:12,806 I'm so sorry. 685 00:35:12,849 --> 00:35:15,155 Here, here, here. 686 00:35:15,199 --> 00:35:16,983 Ow! God! Oh! 687 00:35:17,027 --> 00:35:19,813 Gah! Jesus Christ, lady! 688 00:35:23,860 --> 00:35:26,210 The least you could do is give me a handjob. 689 00:35:26,253 --> 00:35:27,951 Oh. 690 00:35:27,994 --> 00:35:29,518 No, thank you. 691 00:36:18,088 --> 00:36:19,264 - Allie. - Hey. 692 00:36:19,306 --> 00:36:21,353 - Uh, it's late. - Yeah, sorry. 693 00:36:22,918 --> 00:36:25,226 Um, how are you? 694 00:36:25,269 --> 00:36:27,489 Uh... 695 00:36:27,532 --> 00:36:30,579 Uh, I don't really know how to answer that question. 696 00:36:30,623 --> 00:36:33,233 I know that I am supposed to say, "I'm good. 697 00:36:33,277 --> 00:36:34,713 How are you?" 698 00:36:34,757 --> 00:36:36,932 Anything more than that is just rude. 699 00:36:36,976 --> 00:36:38,519 No one actually wants to know how you are. 700 00:36:38,543 --> 00:36:39,825 It's just a way of saying, "Hello. 701 00:36:39,849 --> 00:36:42,242 I'm good, how are you?" 702 00:36:42,286 --> 00:36:45,463 Uh, but I actually wanted to 703 00:36:45,507 --> 00:36:48,117 talk. 704 00:36:48,161 --> 00:36:49,597 To me? 705 00:36:49,641 --> 00:36:51,251 Yeah. 706 00:36:51,295 --> 00:36:54,123 Thought maybe you were mad or something. 707 00:36:54,168 --> 00:36:57,302 Why would I be mad? 708 00:36:57,344 --> 00:36:58,650 Right. 709 00:36:58,693 --> 00:37:00,869 Sure. 710 00:37:00,914 --> 00:37:01,871 You want a coffee or something? 711 00:37:01,914 --> 00:37:03,742 Uh... 712 00:37:03,786 --> 00:37:05,744 After the night I had, I'd say an Irish coffee, 713 00:37:05,788 --> 00:37:08,094 but I don't want to make you do that. 714 00:37:08,137 --> 00:37:09,617 I can muscle through. 715 00:37:09,661 --> 00:37:12,273 Well... No, I was being... I was being rude. 716 00:37:12,317 --> 00:37:14,101 Impossible. 717 00:37:14,143 --> 00:37:17,409 This is really for me. 718 00:37:17,452 --> 00:37:20,976 I used to love mixing drinks for you. 719 00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:24,153 Remember our, uh, white trash margarita? 720 00:37:24,197 --> 00:37:25,981 Yeah. 721 00:37:26,025 --> 00:37:28,157 Yellow Gatorade and tequila. 722 00:37:28,202 --> 00:37:30,596 With a maraschino cherry.Ugh. 723 00:37:30,639 --> 00:37:33,641 Of all the drinks I miss, that one's pretty high up there. 724 00:37:38,385 --> 00:37:39,865 Thank you. 725 00:37:41,911 --> 00:37:42,956 Mmm. 726 00:37:42,998 --> 00:37:45,306 Mm. 727 00:37:45,349 --> 00:37:49,483 So, you wanted to talk? 728 00:37:49,527 --> 00:37:52,094 Yeah. 729 00:37:52,139 --> 00:37:55,054 About? 730 00:37:55,097 --> 00:37:58,014 Uh... 731 00:37:58,057 --> 00:37:59,842 Something that isn't the weather, 732 00:37:59,885 --> 00:38:04,324 or my aunt's foot ailments, or the feud with the neighbors. 733 00:38:06,632 --> 00:38:08,197 I've had the worst 734 00:38:10,375 --> 00:38:11,985 decade, really. 735 00:38:12,027 --> 00:38:13,354 Like, I can't believe how much time 736 00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:15,422 I've spent talking about nothing. 737 00:38:15,467 --> 00:38:18,599 And now that I feel like I actually have something to say, 738 00:38:18,643 --> 00:38:21,168 um, the closest thing that I have 739 00:38:21,210 --> 00:38:24,693 to someone who cares is a dog. 740 00:38:27,608 --> 00:38:30,307 I care. 741 00:38:30,351 --> 00:38:33,614 Just that you knew me before... 742 00:38:33,659 --> 00:38:34,963 W-When we were younger. 743 00:38:37,532 --> 00:38:39,882 I had friends, right? 744 00:38:39,925 --> 00:38:42,449 Yeah. 745 00:38:42,494 --> 00:38:44,800 Yeah, I feel like they all had names 746 00:38:44,844 --> 00:38:49,152 that started with J, K, and I. 747 00:38:49,195 --> 00:38:52,155 Katie, Kelly, Lauren, Lindsay... 748 00:38:52,199 --> 00:38:53,418 Julie. Both: Jess. 749 00:38:53,460 --> 00:38:54,635 They liked church. 750 00:38:54,679 --> 00:38:56,376 They loved church. Mm. 751 00:38:56,420 --> 00:38:57,769 And your friends in the swim team. 752 00:38:57,813 --> 00:38:59,293 Well, no. 753 00:38:59,336 --> 00:39:00,206 Those girls didn't really like me. 754 00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:02,034 I was a bit... 755 00:39:02,077 --> 00:39:04,385 Bit competitive. 756 00:39:04,429 --> 00:39:05,777 "Was"? 757 00:39:05,820 --> 00:39:08,432 Okay. 758 00:39:08,476 --> 00:39:09,845 And I had the people at the restaurant, 759 00:39:09,869 --> 00:39:12,871 and I had you. 760 00:39:12,914 --> 00:39:16,876 I just don't know when I got so isolated from everyone. 761 00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:20,661 Wish you'd been here for the last 10 years. 762 00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:23,621 I mean, I'm not sure that would've actually helped. 763 00:39:26,798 --> 00:39:30,324 Why? 764 00:39:30,367 --> 00:39:32,804 People who think they're cut off from everyone 765 00:39:32,847 --> 00:39:36,112 are actually often walling themselves off from the world. 766 00:39:36,155 --> 00:39:37,595 Okay, can we not? 'Cause I've already 767 00:39:37,635 --> 00:39:39,768 turned down therapy once this week, so... 768 00:39:39,811 --> 00:39:41,378 No, yeah. Sure. 769 00:39:46,166 --> 00:39:48,123 I'm just saying, 770 00:39:48,168 --> 00:39:52,085 when you talk about wishing I'd been here 771 00:39:52,128 --> 00:39:53,478 you're the one who pulled away. 772 00:39:56,916 --> 00:39:58,699 I pulled away? 773 00:39:58,744 --> 00:40:01,355 Okay, I mean, you were gone 774 00:40:01,398 --> 00:40:02,704 way before I got married, okay? 775 00:40:02,748 --> 00:40:04,115 Uh... How are we talking about this? 776 00:40:04,139 --> 00:40:05,706 I just wanted someone to talk with. 777 00:40:05,751 --> 00:40:07,708 Did you, though? 778 00:40:07,753 --> 00:40:09,512 'Cause from where I'm sitting, you wanted someone 779 00:40:09,536 --> 00:40:12,670 to listen and nod and agree with you. 780 00:40:14,934 --> 00:40:16,849 You know what? 781 00:40:16,891 --> 00:40:19,634 I take it back. 782 00:40:19,677 --> 00:40:21,505 I'm good. How are you? 783 00:40:30,427 --> 00:40:32,472 Wha... Have we been robbed? 784 00:40:32,516 --> 00:40:35,650 That is absolutely correct. 785 00:40:35,693 --> 00:40:37,172 Shouldn't we be calling the police? 786 00:40:37,217 --> 00:40:39,827 Oh, simple Allison. 787 00:40:39,871 --> 00:40:42,264 This is all a part of my master plan. 788 00:40:42,309 --> 00:40:43,876 Okay, well, the last time you said that, 789 00:40:43,918 --> 00:40:46,661 we had to cut down the oak tree to get you out of it. 790 00:40:46,704 --> 00:40:50,360 That tree was an eyesore for 300 years. 791 00:40:50,403 --> 00:40:52,362 Paul Revere planted it. 792 00:40:52,405 --> 00:40:54,364 Just listen. 793 00:40:54,407 --> 00:40:56,604 The security system picked up some of those damn neighbors 794 00:40:56,628 --> 00:40:58,068 lurking outside the house last night. 795 00:40:58,106 --> 00:40:59,369 Really? 796 00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:00,893 Wh... How do you know it was them? 797 00:41:00,936 --> 00:41:03,851 Uh, he was wearing the hoodie. 798 00:41:06,724 --> 00:41:09,030 That's tough, babe. 799 00:41:09,074 --> 00:41:10,902 Thank you. 800 00:41:10,945 --> 00:41:14,210 But as I was trying to lure an entire family of skunks 801 00:41:14,253 --> 00:41:15,994 under the neighbor's house, 802 00:41:16,038 --> 00:41:19,215 I realized that that security footage gives me all the ammo 803 00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:20,913 I need to go to the insurance company. 804 00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:23,742 So, ta-dah! 805 00:41:23,784 --> 00:41:25,744 Kevin, we agreed you'd give up magic 806 00:41:25,786 --> 00:41:28,702 when that playing card punctured your eardrum. 807 00:41:28,746 --> 00:41:31,750 Allison, I can't even hear you to agree with you. 808 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,536 This is the magic of insurance. 809 00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:38,626 I talked to the guy about my stolen hoodie 810 00:41:38,670 --> 00:41:42,195 and all the, eh... wink... Other stuff missin' here. 811 00:41:42,237 --> 00:41:44,719 Guy's coming down later today to take claims on everything. 812 00:41:44,762 --> 00:41:48,027 TV, Wade Boggs rookie card, your father's ashes. 813 00:41:48,070 --> 00:41:49,550 Kevin. I'm just kidding. 814 00:41:49,594 --> 00:41:51,596 He's not worth anything. 815 00:41:51,639 --> 00:41:54,599 No, I mean, isn't this fraud? 816 00:41:54,641 --> 00:41:55,990 No way. 817 00:41:56,034 --> 00:41:58,603 Our stuff isactually missing. 818 00:41:58,646 --> 00:42:01,648 I mean, maybe if you went over to Neil's garage... 819 00:42:01,693 --> 00:42:03,695 Ugh... it might all be in there, but who knows? 820 00:42:03,737 --> 00:42:05,130 Not I! 821 00:42:05,173 --> 00:42:06,480 Y... No, no, no! And not you! 822 00:42:06,523 --> 00:42:08,047 I am not going in Neil's garage. 823 00:42:08,090 --> 00:42:10,005 I am taking Bill out. Whoa, whoa. 824 00:42:10,048 --> 00:42:12,965 Who's Bill, and where are you taking him? 825 00:42:13,007 --> 00:42:16,010 Bill is what I named our dog. Where is he? 826 00:42:16,054 --> 00:42:18,753 Oh, uh, that whole security system wasn't working. 827 00:42:18,797 --> 00:42:21,364 The cameras were blurry, the dog was a bum, 828 00:42:21,407 --> 00:42:24,280 and the bat broke when Neil and I were smashing watermelons. 829 00:42:24,324 --> 00:42:25,543 I scrapped all of it. 830 00:42:25,585 --> 00:42:27,021 All of it? 831 00:42:27,065 --> 00:42:28,762 Even the dog? I took him back to my guy. 832 00:42:28,806 --> 00:42:31,025 I expect I'll get some sort of store credit 833 00:42:31,070 --> 00:42:33,855 once he finds "Bill" tied to his porch. 834 00:42:33,898 --> 00:42:35,813 You abandoned the dog? 835 00:42:35,856 --> 00:42:38,773 When I left, I gave him half my bacon, egg, and cheese. 836 00:42:38,817 --> 00:42:41,253 If that's abandonment, abandon me every morning. 837 00:42:42,820 --> 00:42:45,083 With that insurance money, I can get the hoodie 838 00:42:45,126 --> 00:42:47,956 that Belichick wore in the 2017 playoffs. 839 00:42:49,740 --> 00:42:53,047 - So, that other hoodie. - -Keep it, foreigners! 840 00:42:53,092 --> 00:42:55,311 Put another win on the board! 841 00:42:55,355 --> 00:43:00,360 In the game of life, it's Kevin 632, 842 00:43:00,402 --> 00:43:03,231 Life 3. 843 00:43:03,275 --> 00:43:05,059 New Belichick Hoodie Day, baby! 844 00:43:05,103 --> 00:43:08,324 Yay-uh! 845 00:43:56,197 --> 00:43:58,592 Oh, um, excuse me. 846 00:43:58,635 --> 00:44:00,942 Is there a therapist office in here? 847 00:44:00,985 --> 00:44:03,945 Woman: Therapist? 848 00:44:03,989 --> 00:44:05,380 Ah, yeah. 849 00:44:05,425 --> 00:44:07,862 Just, uh, ask for a wash like Barb gets. 850 00:44:07,905 --> 00:44:09,951 She'll hook you up. 851 00:44:09,994 --> 00:44:11,605 She'll "hook me"... 852 00:44:14,085 --> 00:44:15,652 Oh, it's drugs. 853 00:44:33,887 --> 00:44:35,367 One sec. 854 00:44:48,076 --> 00:44:50,775 Shit. 855 00:44:50,818 --> 00:44:52,601 Shit. 856 00:45:02,786 --> 00:45:05,572 On the next "Kevin Can Himself". 857 00:45:05,614 --> 00:45:06,896 Kevin and Alison together forever. 858 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,880 Seeing you again makes me feel a little guilty. 859 00:45:09,923 --> 00:45:11,751 Oh, yeah? 860 00:45:11,795 --> 00:45:13,773 You got a special occasion you want to look nice for? 861 00:45:13,797 --> 00:45:16,148 Jenn, this is Alison. Alison, my wife, Jenn. 862 00:45:16,190 --> 00:45:18,063 We've actually met before. 863 00:45:18,106 --> 00:45:20,500 We're in that mutually assured destruction territory now. 864 00:45:21,936 --> 00:45:23,260 What the hell's been going on with you? 865 00:45:23,284 --> 00:45:24,590 Something in me just snapped.