1
00:00:01,415 --> 00:00:03,275
[ Static ]

2
00:00:03,313 --> 00:00:09,013
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪

3
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♪ Sometimes I wish that sun
would just explode ♪

4
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♪ When God comes to carry me
to his Kingdom ♪

5
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♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪

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♪ Let it blow My turn.

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Hell no.Hey, man, let me drive

8
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that thing, come on!Do not touch the trim!

9
00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,377
What the hell
you doin'?

10
00:00:36,415 --> 00:00:38,725
Well, I'm -- I'm dumping
garbage in the garbage ditch.

11
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The garbage ditch?!
No!

12
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I done told you
you separate the glass

13
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and your plastics
and you dump those

14
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in the recycling ditch.Like this?

15
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Then you pour used
motor oil on these

16
00:00:50,912 --> 00:00:54,162
car batteries, and that's
how you set it on fire.

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Then the smoke rises
up to the sky

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where Jesus turns it into
white, fluffy clouds.

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So that's how
recycling works?

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Well, it takes
a few extra steps,

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but it's the right
thing to do.

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[ Groans ]

23
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What the hell is this?

24
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Ooh! It's one of
them jade eggs

25
00:01:09,724 --> 00:01:11,804
you put up
your vajayjay.

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It's for
a spiritual detox.

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Oh!
Give me that!

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This here is
an authentic cannonball

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from the war betweenst
the states.

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I guess Sherman
must have dropped it

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on his march
to burn up Atlanta.

32
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Atlanta didn't
never burn!

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Atlanta was a false flag
operation,

34
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and Abraham Lincoln
was a crisis actor.

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We stopped ol' Sherman
dead in his tracks right here!

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The Repulsion of the siege
of Cuyler Mountain.

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My great-grandaddy,
your step-brother,

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Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler,

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single-handedly defended
this mountain

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from a Union brigade
for two straight days

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using nothing but one single
solitary cannonball.

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Granny: Didn't even
have a cannon.

43
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Are you saying that this could
be that very cannonball?

44
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The one and the same!
Come on!

45
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This is a priceless relic
of the Confederacy!

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Oh, we gonna donate it
to the museum or somethin'?

47
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Nope.

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[ Groans ]

49
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Die, Yankee!
Whoo!

50
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The South's
gonna rise again!

51
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Hey!
Whoo!

52
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That's my car, Early.

53
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Hell, I know.
We staging a reenactment.

54
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Your car is the Yankees,

55
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and it ain't going
well for y'all.

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Rusty, get away
from that projectile.

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Aw, it ain't
gonna blow up.

58
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I been trying to explode
this damn thing all morning.

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Early! Hmm.

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Looks like a six-inch bore.

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Feels like, hmm...

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about 18 pounds.

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This ordinance
is worth some money.

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Well, we ain't
sellin' it.

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Daddy says this cannonball
is priceless.

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Hold on, shut up.

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What kind of price
you talkin' 'bout?

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My buddy Ollie buys
and sells relics like these.

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He's an expert on the Civil War
and a super-cool guy.

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Sharif! What are you
thinkin' bringin'

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a potentially
explosive ordinance

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to my Civil War
replica booth?

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You want to blow my priceless
inventory sky-high?

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[ Gunshot ]Oh, my Lord!

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Early!
Don't do that again.

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Talkin' about
it's just a dud.

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How much you
give me for it?

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Stand back, everyone.

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[ Gasps ]

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I see a dewy field.

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This is
my favorite part.

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Early morning, 1864,
a low fog hangs over the valley.

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The tension can be cut
with the blade of a bayonet,

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and it'll need to be,

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as gunpowder
is in dangerously short supply.

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The soldiers are merely boys
striving to become men,

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but many of them will greet the
sunset as corpses on this day.

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And I've lost it.
I can't see any more.

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Sharif, set up
the podcast equipment.

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All right.We need to get out

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the episode right now.

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I'm sorry, Ollie,

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I think I left the windscreen
back at the house.

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Fine. We'll just pop our P's
straight into the laptop

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like a couple
of amateurs!

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You're the most
pitiful producer!

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What do you
even provide?

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Damn, Sheriff, you gonna let him
talk to you like that?

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Just whose bitch are you,
his or mine?

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Uh, I brought you a guest.

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I mean, Early here found
this cannonball.

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We could have him on.

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Yep.
Oh!

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The bloodiest battle
of the Civil War

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was fought on my land
with this very ball.

106
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Oh, that's funny,
'cause I always thought

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Chickamauga
was the bloodiest.

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But what would I know?

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I'm only the author of three
self-published

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e-books on the subject.

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And three, two...

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[ Music plays ]

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Whoo, a rebel yell
and a hi-howdy-do, guys!

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Welcome to the Podcast
of Northern Aggression.

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I'm your host,
Oliver Peppercorn,

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I'm poppin' my P's
all over the place, Sharif.

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Who do I have with me today?Um...

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-Closer to the mic.
-Uh...

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My name's
Earlan Jubal Stonewall Cuyler,

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and this here is
my world-famous cannonball --

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the Sherman Slayer.

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Yeah, yeah.Closer, Early.

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My great-grandaddy held off
all of Sherman's army

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for two whole months
in the dead of winter.

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He killed 150 mans with this
single cannonball,

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and he'd climb up
in the tree

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and drop it on their heads
like a big ol' coconut!

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Even old Bill Sherman hisself
couldn't stop it.

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Hey, you get down
from there. Oh!

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Well, that sounds
like a blatant lie.

131
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But your ordinance
appears to be authentic.

132
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But some pockmarks
and the aging,

133
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I suppose I could tender...

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$10 for it.

135
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Why, that's
a $50 ball, Oliver.

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And there we go!

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Watch as my profit margin sinks
like the Merrimack.

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Every time you speak, Sharif,
it costs me money.

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Wha-hoo!
Hell yeah!

140
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We gonna find us
some more money balls

141
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right where that
one come from.

142
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Man, you told me there's
just -- just one ball.

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You think my great-grandaddy
took out a whole army

144
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with just
one damn ball?

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Hell no!

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He had a whole sumbitchin'
arsenal of balls.

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Well, he had one
magic ball

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that would hit people
in the head...

149
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...and return back to him
just like a boomerang.

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[ Thunder crashes ]

151
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He could shake that thing,
and it had a little window

152
00:05:43,032 --> 00:05:44,862
in it that would pop up
and tell him

153
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where the opposing
troops was.

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Our land is chock full
of them $50 balls,

155
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and we gonna find
every last one of 'em!

156
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All right, Granny!

157
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Aah!

158
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Sift through this dirt and try
to find some more cannonballs.

159
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[ Muffled ]
I don't see none.

160
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Well, keep looking!

161
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Hell, I know they're here,
'cause I said so!

162
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[ Siren wails ]

163
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Good news, y'all!

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Ollie investigated
the Repulsion

165
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of the Siege
of Cuyler Mountain,

166
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and he feels like
there's something to it.

167
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Yes, there was
a certain incident

168
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that merits re-enactment.

169
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I told you, didn't I?

170
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This here is where ol'
Sherman met his maker.

171
00:06:21,622 --> 00:06:23,002
Lincoln, too --
probably.

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00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:26,657
And we'll cover the whole
enchilada live on the podcast.

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We also done and found
some more priceless relics,

174
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so we can sell 'em
for the right prices.

175
00:06:31,494 --> 00:06:33,154
This here is
an authentic plastic

176
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,905
Mountain Dew bottle
from 1865.

177
00:06:35,947 --> 00:06:39,737
And this here is
Robert E. Lee's personal...

178
00:06:39,778 --> 00:06:41,638
[ Grunts ]

179
00:06:41,677 --> 00:06:42,847
...tree root.

180
00:06:42,885 --> 00:06:45,845
I appraise all of it
at say...

181
00:06:45,888 --> 00:06:47,988
$50, like you done
for the ball.

182
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No, thank you.
I'm just here

183
00:06:49,478 --> 00:06:52,758
to stage a historically
accurate version of

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"your little battle."

185
00:06:54,966 --> 00:06:57,516
Why you do that with
your fingers like that?

186
00:06:57,555 --> 00:07:00,485
Whoo-hoo! A rebel yell
and a hi-howdy-do, guys.

187
00:07:00,523 --> 00:07:03,153
Welcome to the Podcast
of Northern Aggression's

188
00:07:03,181 --> 00:07:06,771
live re-enactment of
the "Siege of Cuyler Mountain."

189
00:07:06,805 --> 00:07:08,045
Gimme that!

190
00:07:08,082 --> 00:07:09,742
And be sure to come by
my munitions depot

191
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afterwards to purchase some
authentic Civil War cannonballs!

192
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They come in historically
accurate weights,

193
00:07:15,642 --> 00:07:16,782
sizes, and colors.

194
00:07:16,815 --> 00:07:18,155
[ Sniffs ]

195
00:07:18,196 --> 00:07:20,026
Damn, that's good.
[ Exhales deeply ]

196
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:21,890
That explains the
smash-and-grab

197
00:07:21,924 --> 00:07:22,994
at the bowling alley
last night.

198
00:07:23,028 --> 00:07:24,718
Keep your
face down, Denny!

199
00:07:24,754 --> 00:07:26,144
Ollie will tear
you a new one

200
00:07:26,169 --> 00:07:28,999
if he sees his corpses out here
chit-chatting like this.

201
00:07:29,034 --> 00:07:32,004
[ Clear throat ] Dead soldier,
shut your yap hole.

202
00:07:32,037 --> 00:07:34,277
Give me some smoke.
Need to set the mood.

203
00:07:34,315 --> 00:07:37,655
Oh, okay, I got it.

204
00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:39,008
A Yankee rout has scattered

205
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:41,224
the Confederate battalion
to the winds.

206
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:44,743
Dead bodies of brave men
litter the grounds.

207
00:07:44,774 --> 00:07:46,744
A lone, eight-legged
figure emerges

208
00:07:46,776 --> 00:07:48,186
from a rotted tree trunk.

209
00:07:48,226 --> 00:07:51,016
This is
Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler.

210
00:07:51,056 --> 00:07:53,816
-Whoo!
-To the north, the enemy waits,

211
00:07:53,852 --> 00:07:56,682
which is why
Jefferson Beauxregard Cuyler

212
00:07:56,717 --> 00:07:58,507
turns tail to head south,

213
00:07:58,547 --> 00:08:02,517
halting only to abscond with
a cannonball for personal gain.

214
00:08:02,551 --> 00:08:05,311
This cast-iron ball
should fetch a pretty penny.

215
00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:07,996
And I'll sell in town
and spend my two bits

216
00:08:08,039 --> 00:08:09,899
on a lady of ill repute,

217
00:08:09,937 --> 00:08:11,867
filling her with my
crippling gonorrhea.

218
00:08:11,905 --> 00:08:13,765
Oh, I call bullshit!

219
00:08:13,803 --> 00:08:15,743
Ain't no Cuyler gonna
disclose that he had

220
00:08:15,771 --> 00:08:16,771
the damn gonorrhea.

221
00:08:16,806 --> 00:08:17,946
It's true.

222
00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:19,150
They don't tell you
till afterwards.

223
00:08:19,188 --> 00:08:21,158
Please don't
interrupt the flow.

224
00:08:21,190 --> 00:08:22,360
Thank you.

225
00:08:22,398 --> 00:08:25,748
Young Jefferson rolled the ball
for two days straight,

226
00:08:25,781 --> 00:08:27,161
all the way
from Lexington.

227
00:08:27,196 --> 00:08:29,086
Pshaw.
I sure have built up

228
00:08:29,129 --> 00:08:30,889
a mighty hankering
for food now.

229
00:08:30,924 --> 00:08:32,174
He opened his rucksack

230
00:08:32,201 --> 00:08:33,891
and looked through
his meager rations,

231
00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:36,757
but there was no salted
pork, no hardtack.

232
00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:39,972
Perhaps this coat will make
for a mighty lean broth.

233
00:08:40,002 --> 00:08:42,632
And so, being
an uneducated rube,

234
00:08:42,660 --> 00:08:45,040
he boiled the coat
in muddy creek water,

235
00:08:45,076 --> 00:08:47,146
making for a thin
nutritionalist gruel

236
00:08:47,181 --> 00:08:49,221
which he called
rebel broth.

237
00:08:49,252 --> 00:08:51,882
That's a secret family recipe
you're giving out!

238
00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:53,950
He needed his strength
to kill ol' Sherman with

239
00:08:53,981 --> 00:08:56,331
the one cannonball,
like I done and told ya!

240
00:08:56,363 --> 00:08:57,883
Get on to that part!

241
00:08:57,916 --> 00:09:00,156
Unfortunately, the lead
from the coat buttons

242
00:09:00,194 --> 00:09:02,304
leeched into Jefferson's mind
and his body.

243
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,544
[ Coughing ]

244
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:07,027
And his final hours were spent
hallucinating that he was

245
00:09:07,063 --> 00:09:09,033
Rififi,
Queen of the Birds,

246
00:09:09,065 --> 00:09:10,895
trying to hatch
and eggling.

247
00:09:10,929 --> 00:09:12,209
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

248
00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:15,041
I am Rififi,
queen of all birds!

249
00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:17,351
Hatch forth, my prince!That didn't happen!

250
00:09:17,384 --> 00:09:19,184
I have the diaries!

251
00:09:19,213 --> 00:09:22,913
Jefferson expired from
a combination of lead poisoning

252
00:09:22,941 --> 00:09:24,631
and an easily-curable infection

253
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:27,387
gotten from self-pleasuring
with a poison sumac leaf.

254
00:09:27,428 --> 00:09:28,878
[ Groans ]

255
00:09:28,913 --> 00:09:32,093
A less dignified death
could not be imagined.

256
00:09:32,123 --> 00:09:33,063
The end.

257
00:09:33,089 --> 00:09:35,019
[ Applause ]Thank y'all.

258
00:09:35,057 --> 00:09:36,607
Yeah, thank y'all.Oh, no!

259
00:09:36,645 --> 00:09:37,885
Whoa, whoa, hold it!
Hold it!

260
00:09:37,922 --> 00:09:39,032
You skipped the scene
where he fights off

261
00:09:39,061 --> 00:09:40,301
an entire Union battalion

262
00:09:40,338 --> 00:09:42,308
for two damn months
in the dead of winter.

263
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:43,480
Oh, I'm sorry.

264
00:09:43,513 --> 00:09:46,033
We didn't do that scene
because that didn't happen!

265
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:47,968
What the hell?!Sheriff: Wait a minute!

266
00:09:48,001 --> 00:09:49,691
You -- you had us
get all dressed up

267
00:09:49,727 --> 00:09:51,247
in period-specific
costumes

268
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,900
just to lay face-down
in a damn mud puddle?

269
00:09:53,938 --> 00:09:55,768
Stop flapping
your gums, Sharif,

270
00:09:55,802 --> 00:09:57,182
you're still
a corpse, remember?

271
00:09:57,217 --> 00:09:59,907
Boom! That there
is how it went down!

272
00:09:59,944 --> 00:10:01,194
Boom! Boom!

273
00:10:01,221 --> 00:10:02,911
Hey, Sheriff, people need
to see the truth!

274
00:10:02,947 --> 00:10:05,047
Yeah, that sounds
like more fun.

275
00:10:05,087 --> 00:10:07,117
-Yeah, let's do this one.
-Hell yeah!

276
00:10:07,158 --> 00:10:08,778
-I'm down with that.
-Bam!

277
00:10:08,815 --> 00:10:10,055
Ping, pow!
Yeah.

278
00:10:10,092 --> 00:10:11,782
All right,
help me down on this.

279
00:10:11,818 --> 00:10:14,788
This is not
how it happened, y'all!

280
00:10:14,821 --> 00:10:16,201
Ow, Sharif!

281
00:10:16,236 --> 00:10:17,786
Stand down, soldier.

282
00:10:17,824 --> 00:10:19,244
Yeah, the truth hurts,
don't it, Ollie?

283
00:10:19,273 --> 00:10:21,313
You're off
the podcast, Sharif.

284
00:10:21,344 --> 00:10:24,694
And give me back my ball.
I paid $50 for that.

285
00:10:24,727 --> 00:10:26,347
Oh, I'll give you
your ball back.

286
00:10:26,384 --> 00:10:27,774
Fire!

287
00:10:27,799 --> 00:10:28,899
[ Laughter ]Oh, my Lord!

288
00:10:28,938 --> 00:10:30,458
You're lucky
this ball is--

289
00:10:30,491 --> 00:10:33,011
[ Explosion, glass shatters ]

290
00:10:34,288 --> 00:10:35,458
Wow.

291
00:10:35,496 --> 00:10:36,946
Whoa.

292
00:10:36,981 --> 00:10:39,361
We just saw
a dude die.

293
00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,230
Here, taste this.

294
00:10:43,263 --> 00:10:45,093
[ Slurps ]

295
00:10:45,127 --> 00:10:46,057
Um...

296
00:10:46,093 --> 00:10:47,373
It needs
a little more coat.

297
00:10:47,405 --> 00:10:50,925
Yeah, rebel broth ain't
no good without wool coat.

298
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,130
Well, you can take
my coat,

299
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:53,888
'cause I'm done
with the Civil War.

300
00:10:53,929 --> 00:10:55,449
And I'm done
with Ollie.

301
00:10:55,482 --> 00:10:57,902
The podcast is over.

302
00:10:57,933 --> 00:10:59,763
[ Slurps ]

303
00:10:59,797 --> 00:11:01,067
When is this supposed
to kick in?

304
00:11:01,108 --> 00:11:03,838
Yeah, I think
I'm feelin' somethin'.

305
00:11:03,870 --> 00:11:05,460
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

306
00:11:05,492 --> 00:11:07,252
[ Laughs ]
She's tweaking!

307
00:11:07,287 --> 00:11:08,317
Ca-caw!
Ca-caw!

308
00:11:08,357 --> 00:11:09,457
Caw, caw!

309
00:11:09,496 --> 00:11:11,946
I feel it, too!

310
00:11:13,362 --> 00:11:16,992
♪ Made in Georgia