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♪♪

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Dan Halen: Welcome, everyone,
to the recently renamed

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Winter Solstice Festival.

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In an effort to celebrate

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the diversity
that seems to be inevitable,

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regardless of what
immigration law we pass,

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our annual Christmas tree
will now be called

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The Evergreen
of Seasonal Inclusiveness!

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[ Light applause, whistling ]

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We added one of these
candleholders here

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to celebrate the Jews
or something.

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I think it's called
a menorah.

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I think it's called
"Who told you to speak"?

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Kwanzites, we give you
a half-hearted nod

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for your recently adopted
weird thing

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with a different-colored
menorah.

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Actually, sir,
they call that a kinara.

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I will have
your lungs removed.

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[ Microphone feedback ]
Say another word. Say it!

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[ Crowd murmuring ]

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And for you atheists
and agnostics,

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we have a portrait
of Neil deGrasse Tyson

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staring at aliens
and black holes, whatever.

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And finally,
to top the tree,

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the traditional,
non-denominational

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glitter-sphere
of ambiguity.

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Have a very merry,
gender-neutral,

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winter-based
period of time.

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[ Electricity buzzes ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

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There!
Have I given everyone

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the ridiculous little ritual
you need

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to grease the hinges
on your wallets?

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What about the Muslims?
What about them?

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Stores are open.
We have numbers to hit!

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Get consuming!

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[ Door chimes ]

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Yeah, I think we got
everybody covered.

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He included every dumb
son of a bitch under the sun.

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What's next?

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Santa Claus coming down
your chimney

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to perform
abortions on demand?

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This sickens me.

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Come on, God damn it.
Let's go shopping.

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Aw, they run out of them
little, tiny critters

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that sit up on your bookshelf
and get off on watching you pee.

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Yeah, that ain't
what they for, Granny.

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Listen, what I do in my bedroom
is my own business.

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Why don't you try
one of these knock offs?

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The Jew in the Loo?
Kwanzaa Keith?

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What happened to all the good
Jesus-Loving Elves?

51
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Or are they banned now?

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No, they're sold out,
daddy.

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Hey, brown sugar.
You into water sports?

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That's it!

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I'm declaring a war
on the War on Christmas!

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We're taking
our holiday back!

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Early: If you take "Christ"
out of Christmas...

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[ Screams ]

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...all you got is "mas."

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[ Screams ]
And I say "No mas" to that.

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Ohh!
It hurts!

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You do know
at Christmas,

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Jesus was only
a little, tiny baby?

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What the hell
are you saying?

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You already got
that baby-diaper,

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you just shoulda stayed
a baby.

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Shut that damn face-anus
of yours and nail my other arm.

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Oh, it's heavy.

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Take it off safety, now.
But it's so heavy.

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No, no, no!
Don't set it right there!

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[ Screams ]

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Oh, that's heavy.
Ahh!

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You nailed me
through the forehead.

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That ain't
biblically accurate!

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[ Grunts ]
Pry me off this floor.

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I-I need to spread
some Gospel.

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[ Liquid pours,
doorbell chimes ]

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Thank you.
Happy holidays.

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Season's greetings.
What can I get going for you?

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One venti
triple cappuccino.

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[ Grunts ]
Room for cream.

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Should I put your name
as "Jesus Christ"?

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No, my name is not
"Jesus Christ,"

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but I speak for him.

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And I say stop shitting
all over his birthday.

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Just tell me
what name to put.

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My name
is "Merry Christmas."

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And I'm gonna sit
way over here,

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so that you got to call it out
nice and loud.

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Your corporate overlords
don't like it,

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but I'm gonna
make you say it.

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Daddy, please don't
make a scene.

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The hell
are you doing here?

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Slinging hot-bean water
for a bunch of sodomites?

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I'm just picking up extra shifts
during the holid--

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Don't you say that word.

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Christmas, Daddy. Okay?
Christmas.

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"Merry Christmas,"
your drink is ready.

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Say it louder, now.
Say my name.

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"Merry Christmas,"
your drink is ready.

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That's right.

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[ Grunts ]

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Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

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Oh. Ooh. Mmm.
Mmm. Mmm.

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[ Smacks lips ]
Pretty good beverage, there.

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Fitting you'd have a big ol'
snowflake on your cups,

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'cause that's what
y'all are in here --

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a bunch of damn
snowflakes!

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Now ring me up another.
And bring a straw this time!

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♪♪

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Where's my coffee?

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Where's my sumbitchin' coffee,
God damn it?

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I can feel my hair
growing inside my head!

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"Jesus Christ
is the one true Lord,

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the virgin Mary brought
forth her first-born son

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and wrapped him
in swaddling clothes

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and laid him in a manger because
there was no room at the inn,"

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your caramel macchiato
is ready.

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[ Gulping ]

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I done told you,
"More whipped cream"!

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How many sumbitchin' times
I gotta say it?!

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D-Daddy, it's closing time,
and we need to settle up.

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$70,000?!
For hot-bean wash?

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What would Jesus pay?

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He would pay the whole bill,
Daddy.

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But the spirit
was ordering through me.

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I-I-I ain't got
nothing to do with it.

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This here deal is off.

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I was merely His vessel.

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I'm boycotting this.

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[ Doorbell dings ]
Ugh. thank God.

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Happy holidays.

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Shut up!

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♪♪

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Car, everybody! Car!
Phones down! Phones down!

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[ Rock music plays, fades ]

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I think they ain't slowing down

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'cause Baby Jesus
got him a mustache.

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I ain't shaving.

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It took me five years
to grow this.

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[ High-pitched ]
I think we're all gonna have

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a very
Myrrh-y Christmas.

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[ Normal voice ]
Good one, Myrrh.

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[ Low-pitched ] And to all
a good...uh...Frankincense.

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[ High-pitched ] More like
"not-making-sense."

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[ Normal voice ] Myrrh!
[ Laughs ]

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You're on fire.
Call the burn ward.

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[ Chuckling ] These guys
are a couple cutups.

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[ Chuckles ]

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Look at this shit show.

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-Oh, hey, Early.
-Hi, Early!

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With a Mary that size,
hell, I can see why

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there wasn't no room
in the damn inn.

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Oh, I'm gonna fuck
you up.

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Whoa, whoa!
Hold on, biggin'.

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Hands off, now.

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I thought your time was
"too valuable

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to be standing on the shoulder
of the road

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with a thumb up your ass."

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Well, that sounds like
the words of a wise man.

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[ Low-pitched ]
There's already three of us.

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[ High-pitched ]
Yeah, who's this asshole?

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[ Normal voice ]
Chill out, bros.

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Nobody's after your job,

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especially the way
we're crushing this.

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Well, if you want
to volunteer, Early,

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we're still light on animals.

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We still need a jackass.

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Oh, I think Glenn's already
got that well covered.

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I'm a camel, dick-weed.

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Whatever gets you through
the night, Glenn.

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Yeah, you got a real fine
petting zoo, here.

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But if y'all really want
to save Christmas,

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we need to fight
this here war

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house-to-house
and block-to-block.

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[ Doorbell chimes ]

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All: [ Off-key ] ♪ We wish
you a Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ And a Merry Christmas

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♪ Merry Christmas,
Christmas, Christmas ♪

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♪ Christmas, Christmas

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♪ Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas ♪

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♪ As intended by God

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I just didn't want
the message to get muddled

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with all them other
secular words.

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♪ Silent night, holy night

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♪ It's "Merry Christmas"

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♪ You better say it right

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♪ Not "season's greetings"
or "happy holidays" ♪

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♪ For you, the hottest fires
of Hell will blaze ♪

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♪ Not generic tidings
and wishes of well ♪

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♪ You're all gonna die
like fat pigs in Hell ♪

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Hey!
Where's my backup, here?

195
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I'm sorry, but I'm done
threatening people in song.

196
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Well, I sure as hell ain't.
Happy holidays.

197
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I got me another
Christmas carol to sing!

198
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[ Doorbell ringing ] ♪ Make your
mouth say "Merry Christmas" ♪

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♪ Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, Christmas ♪

200
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Open that goddamn door!

201
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Early:
Merry Christmas Eve, y'all.

202
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Oh, Early, a gift?
You shouldn't have.

203
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I know.
I only did it to prove a point.

204
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I got everybody gifts
from companies

205
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that only wish strictly
"Merry Christmas."

206
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Ain't no companies that do that,
so I had to make me some stuff.

207
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Ooh, goody!
It's a whistle!

208
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:39,927
I can finally achieve my dream
of becoming an NBA referee.

209
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,360
Fffffft! Foul!

210
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:46,704
Ffffffffft!
Technical -- [ Mumbles ]

211
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,874
Here.
Open yours, Tammi.

212
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Well, uh,
as much as we'd love to stay,

213
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,041
we're taking Randy down to
the Winter Solstice Festival.

214
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,644
[ Door opens ]
The what festival?!

215
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P.C. pablum run amok!

216
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,211
I refuse to attend.

217
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Great.
See ya later.

218
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,048
[ Sleigh bells jingling ]

219
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,893
[ Cheering,
train whistle blares ]

220
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:08,058
The Evergreen
of Seasonal Inclusiveness?

221
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:12,488
I've opened the yuletide tent
to every Scientologist,

222
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:15,956
goat-worshipping Wiccan,
and for what?!

223
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,996
No net increase
in fourth-quarter earnings

224
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,971
after adjustment
for inflation -- zero!

225
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,701
Aw, Mr. Halen.

226
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,366
It don't matter
whether I say

227
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:28,084
"Happy holidays" to a atheist
or "merry Christmas" to a Jew.

228
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:31,578
No matter what your skin color
or what God you worship,

229
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,722
we're all in this
together.

230
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,648
Was that it?
That's your message?

231
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,424
"Stuff happens,
no one cares"?

232
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,321
That's the big takeaway?

233
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,723
I-I guess so.

234
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,085
You want a hug?
No.

235
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,663
I want you to take
a cold shower.

236
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Your erection
is highly inappropriate.

237
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[ Chuckling ]
This suit's just so soft.

238
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,199
[ Crowd gasping ]
No!

239
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,270
The non-denominational sphere
of ambiguity!

240
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And, lo, the angel of the Lord
came upon them.

241
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,443
-Ah! Early!
-Early!

242
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:58,710
-Daddy!
-Hi, Early!

243
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,109
Jump.
[ Laughs ]

244
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,610
"I bring you tidings
of great joy.

245
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:05,683
For unto you is born
this day a Savior.

246
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,953
Lo!
What child is this?"

247
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,551
Tammi: Randy! Oh, my God!
He's got my baby up there!

248
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,623
Daddy, put him down!
That's my boy!

249
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,091
-Oh, my God!
-Hi, Randy!

250
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,289
It's me, Granny!
I'm down here, too.

251
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:18,591
Now that I have your attention,
merry Christmas, everybody.

252
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,256
Now say it back to me!
I said it to you!

253
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,363
All right, everybody,
do as he says.

254
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,125
All: Merry Christmas.

255
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,974
And from now on,
that's how we gonna

256
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,639
greet each other
in this town.

257
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:28,968
No "hello,"
no "goodbye,"

258
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,442
no "I'm sorry,"
no "gesundheit."

259
00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:33,611
Only "merry Christmas"!
Are we clear on this?

260
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,911
[ Indistinct murmuring ]

261
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,712
No! You say
"Merry Christmas" to that!

262
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,314
All: Merry Christmas!

263
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:41,375
We said it, now bring my son
down here, you son of a bitch.

264
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,654
Also, the living nativity
will now be year 'round

265
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,485
so nobody forgets the reason
for the season.

266
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,819
Can I get me
a "Merry Christmas"?

267
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,385
All: Merry Christmas.

268
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,792
I can't hear you.

269
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,494
All: Merry Christmas!

270
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,385
[ Sighs ] Finally.

271
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,897
That's all I ever wanted,
y'all.

272
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,929
A little yuletide cheer
never killed nobody.

273
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,795
Boom! I got him!
Whoa! Whoa!

274
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:00,933
Aah!

275
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,338
-Oh, my God. Randy!
-That's my boy up there!

276
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:03,939
I'm gonna die!
Ahh! Ahh!

277
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:07,071
Everybody, grab the Evergreen
of Seasonal Inclusive--

278
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,737
Ah.

279
00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,906
Grab the Christmas tree!

280
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,154
-Grab the tree, y'all.
-You keep that tree steady now.

281
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,680
-Oh, my God.
-Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, Lord.

282
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:18,186
Thank you, Jesus.

283
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,918
Aah! Aah!
-The tree-top! It's brittle.

284
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,623
We forgot to water it!
I'm gonna die! Aah! Aah!

285
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,087
[ Crowd screaming ]

286
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:28,355
♪♪

287
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:29,755
-Whoo!
-Randy! Thank God.

288
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,527
All right, you're alive!
Oh, my God.

289
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,034
It's a Christmas miracle.

290
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,796
Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ.

291
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,665
Thank you for keeping us safe
and unharmed.

292
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,005
[ People groaning ]

293
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:41,339
For Christ's sake,
call the doctor.

294
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:45,014
[ Patriotic music plays ]

295
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:49,515
♪♪

296
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:50,549
Merry Christmas,

297
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,453
and happy
4th of July, dick.

298
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,685
Merry Christmas,

299
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,021
and get your fat ass
back here, Glenn.

300
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,455
You signed up
to be the camel.

301
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,389
I did that back in December,
so, uh, not happening.

302
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,126
It's July, Early.

303
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,701
[ Low-pitched ] Can we call it
a day on this nativity thing?

304
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,301
[ High-pitched ]
We only agreed to all this

305
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,002
to save the boy's life.

306
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,404
Early: And now they won't even
let me within 2,000 feet of him.

307
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,066
I still say he'd make
a better baby Jesus than me.

308
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,905
I mean, these swaddling clothes
is hot as hell.

309
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,181
Merry Christmas, Early.
See my cup?

310
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:17,339
Enough already!

311
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:24,891
Ho ho ho!
Made in Georgia.