1
00:00:02,685 --> 00:00:04,085
[ Static ]

2
00:00:04,087 --> 00:00:11,027
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪

3
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♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪

4
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♪ When God calls and takes me
to his Kingdom ♪

5
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♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪

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Early: Do not touch the trim!

7
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Rusty: Hey, Daddy,
we doing anything special

8
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for Thanksgiving
this year?

9
00:00:39,088 --> 00:00:39,948
Oh, hell yeah.

10
00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:42,286
I'm gonna drink this here, pass
out, then drink this over here.

11
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And I'll be watching him drink
this here and pass out...

12
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Wake up, watch football. ...then
drink this, then watch football...

13
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Then drink more,
watch football, pass out,

14
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and drink some more, then pass out.
...drink this and pass out.

15
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We celebrate together
as a family.

16
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So we're not celebrating
Thanksgiving.

17
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Thanksgiving?!

18
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There ain't nothing to be
thankful for!

19
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More like
No-Thanksgiving.

20
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Thanks-Taking!
Thanks for nothing!

21
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♪♪

22
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Used to be this whole country
was squid land --

23
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as far as the eye could see.

24
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Then them Indians showed up
and set their goddamn tepees up.

25
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We said, "Get off our land!"

26
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And then they said some weird
Indian word that means "no."

27
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So began what the historicals
called the Cephalo-Indian War.

28
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Also known as
the 27-Minute War.

29
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Damn. We kicked their ass
that fast?

30
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Yeah, not so much.

31
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You ever see one of these?

32
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Of course, Daddy.
That's a squid arrowhead.

33
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Everybody knows that.
That's right.

34
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But we hadn't invented
the arrow part yet.

35
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We was chucking these at them
as hard as we could.

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And they come back a-shootin'
real arrows at us.

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We kept hollering
"time-out!"

38
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But, apparently, they don't
teach English at the casinos.

39
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Them Indians
out-scienced us.

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It was our land
that the Indians took from us

41
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that the white man took
from the Indians.

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We couldn't do anything about it
because, darn it,

43
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they control the weather!
That's right.

44
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They told us to leave,
or they'd hit us with lightnin'.

45
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But let it be known,
we left because we wanted to.

46
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But between you and me,
it's because of the lightnin'.

47
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They won't teach you that
in government public schools.

48
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That's one of the many, many
reasons I stopped going.

49
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I didn't descend from
no monkey.

50
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You see any eight-legged monkeys
a-walkin' about?

51
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I think Rusty left.

52
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Rusty, did you leave?

53
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I think he left.

54
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Rusty: Hold up, now.

55
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Thursday's Thanksgiving.

56
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Why's it say
I gotta work all day?

57
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[ Scoffs ] All day.

58
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We close at 10:00 p.m.

59
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That gives you two hours

60
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'fore you got to be back here
for Black Friday.

61
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Whoa! I gotta work
on Black Friday, too?

62
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When am I supposed to
spend time with my boy?

63
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Why the hell you want to spend
time with your offspring?

64
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You one of them
helicopter parents --

65
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always hovering, feeding,
and raising

66
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and talking to their kids?

67
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I'm well-aware of your parenting
philosophy, Mama.

68
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Mama?

69
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Oh.

70
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I keep forgettin'
you one of my whoopsies.

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Whoopsies!

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[ Chuckles ]

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If anyone asks, I'll be
in the outdoor section...

74
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catching some Z's.

75
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Rusty, we are not having
Thanksgiving dinner

76
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at 10:30 at night.

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I'll be in bed, and I ain't
keeping Randy up that late.

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But y'all are the closest thing
to family I got.

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What about your daddy?
You know he'll be up.

80
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He's up all night,
every night.

81
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My daddy ain't no druggy.

82
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You're insulting
a veteran...

83
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narian.

84
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He's a veterinarian,
that's what he is.

85
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Just because you steal
a prescription pad,

86
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that does not make you
a veterinarian.

87
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Uh, maybe he said vegetarian.
I don't know.

88
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Look, Rusty,
I'm sorry,

89
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but Thanksgiving just ain't
happenin' this year.

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♪♪

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[ Dog whimpering ]

92
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Hey, there, buddy.
What you doing in there?

93
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Come here.
Come over here.

94
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You all by yourself
out here?

95
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Ain't got no family
that loves you?

96
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Yeah,
I know how that is.

97
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Well, I guess you do have
somebody who cares about you.

98
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But not as much as I do.

99
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:09,303
Hey, y'all!
Meet my new dog, Billie.

100
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I mean --
I mean Biscuit.

101
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Let me have
a look at him.

102
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As y'all know,
I am a licensed ventriloquist.

103
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Now, Daddy,
he's a perfectly healthy dog.

104
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Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

105
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Let me go ahead
and write me a script

106
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for some of them
horse tranquilizers.

107
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I think I'll really notice a
difference once I'm on these.

108
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Listen, y'all, I want to
celebrate Thanksgiving this year

109
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like a real family, and I want
Biscuit to be a part of that.

110
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Well,
if you supply the food

111
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and cook the food
and serve the food,

112
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I guess I could agree
to eat the food with you.

113
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What about conversations?

114
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We ain't gotta do that,
do we?

115
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My views on third-trimester
abortion are very divisive.

116
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I'm for them.

117
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I prefer to play on
my smartphone the whole time.

118
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That's what the holidays
mean to me.

119
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Look,
I gotta go back to work.

120
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Here's Biscuit's bed
and his food and stuff.

121
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He needs to take
his heartworm medicine.

122
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Don't chop that up.
Why are you choppin' it up?

123
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Just making some rails
so he can snort it

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and get right
into the bloodstream.

125
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Don't you question me!

126
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I'm a licensed
ventriloquist.

127
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Can't you see this pad?

128
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Well, you're supposed to
put it in some bread.

129
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Oh, bread.

130
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If I knew we were gonna have
bread, I would have dressed up.

131
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Y'all, I'm gonna be late
for my shift.

132
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Don't worry, son.
We'll take good care of him.

133
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We'll see you tonight.

134
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[ Snorts ]

135
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This is gonna be
the best Thanksgiving ever!

136
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I promise you that!

137
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[ Muzak plays ]

138
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[ Grunts ]

139
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That the biggest bird you can
fit up your butt?

140
00:05:28,511 --> 00:05:29,981
Oh, hey.
Hey, Mama.

141
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I was just stocking up
the turkeys.

142
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Let's see what else
you been stockin'.

143
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[ Grunting ]

144
00:05:39,055 --> 00:05:40,215
Please don't turn me in,
Mama.

145
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We're having
Thanksgiving dinner tonight,

146
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and this damn food's
expensive.

147
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When I steal from this place,
I hide it in my rolls.

148
00:05:48,664 --> 00:05:52,374
That's probably why
they call these rolls.

149
00:05:52,368 --> 00:05:55,868
So you can put rolls
in them.

150
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,840
You want some rolls?

151
00:05:58,841 --> 00:06:01,541
[ Indistinct shouting ]

152
00:06:01,544 --> 00:06:03,444
Okay, now, back up!

153
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,446
Now, let these people go home
for their Thanksgiving.

154
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:10,549
We'll open up in two hours
for Black Friday.

155
00:06:10,553 --> 00:06:12,123
[ Shouting continues ]

156
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,151
All right, now,
y'all stay tight.

157
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:16,856
Remember how we lost Gail
last year.

158
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[ Alarm blares ]

159
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Let's go!
Strip search! Right now!

160
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Oh, Krystal.
[ Chuckles ]

161
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That ain't necessary.
I-I trust you.

162
00:06:25,401 --> 00:06:28,141
Oh, 'cause you ain't got
what it takes

163
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:30,937
to tangle
in the "under dome."

164
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:33,410
The under dome is what
I call the...

165
00:06:33,409 --> 00:06:36,009
Curved area of your front there
above your genitals.

166
00:06:36,012 --> 00:06:39,782
I know, I know.
Have a good night now, honey.

167
00:06:40,383 --> 00:06:42,183
[ Grunts ]
Gets hot in there,

168
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:45,254
so sweet potato casserole
is probably done.

169
00:06:45,254 --> 00:06:47,154
I really appreciate this,
Mama.

170
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:49,486
Hey,
what's Thanksgiving for?

171
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:50,392
That's the spirit.

172
00:06:50,393 --> 00:06:52,533
No, seriously,
what is it for?

173
00:06:52,528 --> 00:06:57,258
I seen a picture of a man
with a belt buckle on his hat.

174
00:06:57,266 --> 00:07:00,566
Is that what it's about,
belt hats?

175
00:07:00,570 --> 00:07:01,900
[ Door closes ]
All right, y'all.

176
00:07:01,904 --> 00:07:04,574
I gotta be back in an hour,
so get that microwave going.

177
00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:06,074
We gotta get this turkey
cookin'!

178
00:07:06,075 --> 00:07:07,205
I'll handle the turkey!

179
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,609
There you go!
What the hell, Daddy?!

180
00:07:08,611 --> 00:07:10,111
That turkey's supposed
to feed everybody!

181
00:07:10,112 --> 00:07:13,452
And it will, son, 'cause we
gonna have us some turk-dog-et.

182
00:07:13,449 --> 00:07:16,449
Turkey inside a dog
inside a bucket.

183
00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:20,122
What? Y'all think you gonna eat
my dog for Thanksgiving?

184
00:07:20,122 --> 00:07:21,192
Aw, hell.
Here we go.

185
00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:24,120
You can have sex with a dog
and nobody bats a damn eye.

186
00:07:24,126 --> 00:07:28,126
But you try to<i> eat</i> a dog,
and everybody's up in arms.

187
00:07:28,130 --> 00:07:30,230
You had sex with a dog?
Not this dog!

188
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:32,632
I don't want to get emotionally
connected to this dog.

189
00:07:32,635 --> 00:07:34,765
This here is
a valuable source of protein,

190
00:07:34,770 --> 00:07:37,000
not just some casual roll
in the hay.

191
00:07:37,006 --> 00:07:38,106
You know what?
We're done here.

192
00:07:38,107 --> 00:07:41,677
Come on, Biscuit. I ain't
letting them anywhere near you.

193
00:07:41,677 --> 00:07:43,437
Thanksgiving is off!

194
00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:44,976
[ Engine starts ]
Son, come back!

195
00:07:44,981 --> 00:07:48,821
Let's not fight!
It's the holidays!

196
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:51,621
Lord, we thank you
for this bounty

197
00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,691
of frozen food here
before us.

198
00:07:53,689 --> 00:07:55,219
With the only
living creature

199
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:56,824
who seems to give a damn
about me.

200
00:07:56,826 --> 00:07:58,126
Biscuit,
what are you -- No!

201
00:07:58,127 --> 00:08:00,457
No pumpkin pie till we finish
the prayer!

202
00:08:00,463 --> 00:08:01,463
[ Tap on glass ]

203
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:04,064
What's up, Sheriff?
Oh, not much, Rusty.

204
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,726
But I am getting
some complaints

205
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,365
from these Black Friday
shoppers

206
00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:10,200
that you're keeping a dog
in the vehicle here

207
00:08:10,206 --> 00:08:11,536
with the windows
rolled up.

208
00:08:11,540 --> 00:08:13,040
Well, hell, Sheriff,
I'm in here, too.

209
00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:14,172
Don't that count
for somethin'?

210
00:08:14,176 --> 00:08:17,336
Rusty, these folks are camped
out in a BallMart parking lot

211
00:08:17,346 --> 00:08:20,076
on a national holiday
to save 20 bucks

212
00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,652
on a hoverboard
doorbuster.

213
00:08:21,651 --> 00:08:24,051
Hell, they're cheaper
than that online.

214
00:08:24,053 --> 00:08:25,453
That's where I got mine.

215
00:08:25,454 --> 00:08:27,094
Well, Sheriff,
my shift's about to start,

216
00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:28,419
and Biscuit ain't got
nowhere else to go.

217
00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:30,764
You think maybe you could watch
him for a couple hours?

218
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,430
Oh, sorry. I-I'm running
security on this deal.

219
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,499
Did you have one of them tracking
chips put under his skin?

220
00:08:36,499 --> 00:08:39,399
I could track him down
after I get off my shift here.

221
00:08:39,402 --> 00:08:40,802
[ Sighs ]
That's all right, Sheriff.

222
00:08:40,803 --> 00:08:43,803
Ain't no point in having
a damn rescue dog if you --

223
00:08:43,806 --> 00:08:46,806
if you ain't even equipped
to rescue him.

224
00:08:46,809 --> 00:08:48,379
♪♪

225
00:08:48,377 --> 00:08:51,377
Climb out, Biscuit.
I'm setting you free.

226
00:08:51,380 --> 00:08:52,250
[ Whimpers ]

227
00:08:52,248 --> 00:08:54,578
You're better off without me
in your life.

228
00:08:54,583 --> 00:08:57,383
[ Whimpering ]
Go on, git!

229
00:08:57,386 --> 00:08:59,446
Git, I said!

230
00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:00,545
Get out of here!

231
00:09:00,556 --> 00:09:01,316
[ Whines ]

232
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:04,323
And take my hoverboard
with you!

233
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:06,286
[ Sniffles ]

234
00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:11,465
Girl: Daddy!
Boy: Look, Daddy, it's Billie!

235
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:12,397
We found him!

236
00:09:12,401 --> 00:09:13,601
Hey, it's Billie!

237
00:09:13,602 --> 00:09:15,142
Welcome back.

238
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:18,737
Oh, man,
this is someone else's dog.

239
00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:19,471
Hell, yeah!

240
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:23,275
Oh, I've been worried sick about
you, little...

241
00:09:23,279 --> 00:09:24,139
dog.

242
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:27,246
Come on inside.
Let's make you some food.

243
00:09:27,249 --> 00:09:30,149
No reward was advertised.

244
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,792
[ Sobbing ]
It's okay, kids.

245
00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:34,287
Don't cry.
Billie will turn up soon.

246
00:09:34,290 --> 00:09:36,460
He's a --
He's a good dog.

247
00:09:36,459 --> 00:09:38,189
He was a good dog.

248
00:09:38,194 --> 00:09:39,564
Yep.
Still is!

249
00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:42,232
Fallin' off the bone!
Good dog!

250
00:09:42,231 --> 00:09:44,331
Damn good dog.

251
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:45,103
Bless him.

252
00:09:45,101 --> 00:09:48,241
I don't think we ought to tell
Rusty we ate his dog.

253
00:09:48,237 --> 00:09:51,367
I mean,
I ain't no damn monster.

254
00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:53,613
[ Yawns ] I'm getting ready
to pack it in.

255
00:09:53,609 --> 00:09:54,609
Yeah, me too.

256
00:09:54,610 --> 00:09:57,140
What's that chemical in dog,
you know,

257
00:09:57,146 --> 00:09:59,206
the one
that makes you sleepy?

258
00:09:59,215 --> 00:10:00,545
Intelligence?
Loyalty?

259
00:10:00,549 --> 00:10:04,179
That don't matter. Just put them
meat scraps in the icebox.

260
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,186
We gonna have us some
dog sandwiches

261
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:09,458
for the next two weeks,
brotha! Mmm!

262
00:10:11,427 --> 00:10:13,087
[ Toy squeaks ]

263
00:10:13,095 --> 00:10:14,125
Oh, Rusty, you're home.

264
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,860
Early, wake up,
Rusty's here.

265
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,355
Huh?
Yeah, shift's over.

266
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,566
And not that y'all care,
but I gave Biscuit away.

267
00:10:19,568 --> 00:10:22,238
I didn't want to raise him
in an unloving environment

268
00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:24,338
with people that want to
eat him for dinner.

269
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,840
Well, he's not in danger
from us no more.

270
00:10:26,842 --> 00:10:28,712
[ Burps ]
I can vouch for that, son.

271
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:32,251
Oh, so y'all had Thanksgiving
without me, huh?

272
00:10:32,248 --> 00:10:35,148
It's -- It's good, though.
What is it?

273
00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:36,451
It's muttloaf.
Meatloaf!

274
00:10:36,452 --> 00:10:38,722
Meatloaf!
Just some plain old meatloaf.

275
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:39,951
What now?
[ Knock on door ]

276
00:10:39,955 --> 00:10:41,315
[ Beeping ]
Great news, Rusty.

277
00:10:41,323 --> 00:10:45,263
Got my tracker here, and I think
I'm zeroing in on Biscuit.

278
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,861
Boy, it's really going off now,
ain't it?

279
00:10:46,862 --> 00:10:49,662
I tell you, I think he might be
right here in the house.

280
00:10:49,665 --> 00:10:52,665
[ Rapid beeping ] No,
Sheriff, that's impossible.

281
00:10:52,668 --> 00:10:53,768
Unless...

282
00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:55,539
[ Steady beep ]

283
00:10:57,273 --> 00:10:58,673
[ Toy squeaks ]

284
00:10:59,775 --> 00:11:01,975
I think that thing's broke.
Goddamn it!

285
00:11:01,977 --> 00:11:04,777
It ain't supposed to be going
off. No, no.

286
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:07,650
That ain't even how
the microchip technology works.

287
00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:08,580
Man, I ought to know.

288
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:12,324
Hell, I'm a licensed venereal
confectionarist.

289
00:11:12,321 --> 00:11:13,491
See, read this here pad.

290
00:11:13,489 --> 00:11:16,759
Benjamin Swartsmon,
licensed vegetarian.

291
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,389
That's it, that's me.

292
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:26,271
♪ Made in Georgia ♪