1 00:02:09,535 --> 00:02:11,628 It has definitely nothing to do with jealousy. 2 00:02:11,748 --> 00:02:13,848 It is more dreadful than that. 3 00:02:14,171 --> 00:02:17,604 It was just a kind of hatred and no events took part in it. 4 00:02:18,524 --> 00:02:19,355 I killed her… 5 00:02:19,615 --> 00:02:23,175 …because her life was the blatant denial of everything I loved… 6 00:02:23,587 --> 00:02:25,502 …of all that mattered to me. 7 00:02:25,622 --> 00:02:27,460 She was for me a living denial: 8 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:30,334 …she was constantly denouncing my slightest desire… 9 00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,022 …my most trivial thought. 10 00:02:32,339 --> 00:02:33,722 Why did we meet? 11 00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:38,539 Why didn’t we stop looking at each other immediately? 12 00:02:40,017 --> 00:02:43,088 I first saw her in a "cellar"… 13 00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:46,235 …and I immediately got the feeling she would be out of my league. 14 00:02:47,238 --> 00:02:49,965 Is it the reason why I started to long for her… 15 00:02:50,085 --> 00:02:52,332 …as it had never happened before with another girl? 16 00:02:53,165 --> 00:02:55,625 Why did I pay attention to her? 17 00:02:55,745 --> 00:03:00,088 It was because of a mere nothing - the way her cheekbones were slightly bulging… 18 00:03:00,208 --> 00:03:03,329 …and maybe also this constant look of sadness… 19 00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:05,735 …that one could find even in her smile. 20 00:03:08,330 --> 00:03:12,340 Almost one year ago, everything was fine. 21 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:17,398 I loved being an architect and I had the brightest future. 22 00:03:18,316 --> 00:03:20,126 I had set up my own company… 23 00:03:20,506 --> 00:03:22,765 …and I was in charge of major contracts. 24 00:03:23,408 --> 00:03:25,273 After going through difficult times… 25 00:03:25,641 --> 00:03:27,633 …I was finally successful. 26 00:03:52,378 --> 00:03:53,748 Was I happier? 27 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,022 What kind of stress did I really experience in this late winter? 28 00:03:58,012 --> 00:04:01,908 I feared to have sacrificed my best years to my ambition. 29 00:04:02,665 --> 00:04:05,798 I was frantically in search of lost time… 30 00:04:05,918 --> 00:04:09,923 …and yet I didn’t dare to leave the neighborhood of my twenties. 31 00:04:10,896 --> 00:04:15,389 I had started thinking about getting married: 32 00:04:15,668 --> 00:04:19,043 my loneliness was more humiliating than painful 33 00:04:19,328 --> 00:04:22,708 and I thought my ego was also entitled to be satisfied. 34 00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:46,696 I was bored and didn’t try anything to get out of my boredom. 35 00:04:47,076 --> 00:04:51,118 I had stopped seeing in this world anything picturesque. 36 00:04:51,385 --> 00:04:53,783 At the most, the dreary apathy of theses faces… 37 00:04:54,074 --> 00:04:55,965 …could have been able to give me… 38 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,085 …a little comfort. 39 00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:02,590 I liked thinking these kids were older than me… 40 00:05:02,907 --> 00:05:04,531 …that their ways, their enthusiasms… 41 00:05:04,651 --> 00:05:07,335 …were comparable to those I had experienced ten years earlier. 42 00:05:08,289 --> 00:05:10,421 I needed a breath of fresh air. 43 00:05:10,974 --> 00:05:13,157 Yet I was living in a wax museum. 44 00:05:43,568 --> 00:05:45,242 The times of "good old fellowship" were gone. 45 00:05:45,362 --> 00:05:47,590 I was going to become a mere "bourgeois"… 46 00:05:47,831 --> 00:05:50,509 …someone being used, a "tourist" as we used to call them. 47 00:05:51,131 --> 00:05:53,495 Because I was known in the neighborhood… 48 00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:56,261 …I was still experiencing a kind of privilege. 49 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:59,210 But there was already a gap between me and the new generation. 50 00:06:03,899 --> 00:06:06,411 What was she looking for in this place? 51 00:06:06,970 --> 00:06:09,225 Just like me, she didn’t seem ready to live as a bohemian. 52 00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:13,045 People in this place seemed to belong to the same family… 53 00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:14,948 …but both of us were very different from them… 54 00:06:15,068 --> 00:06:16,446 …and this fact made us suspect to the others. 55 00:06:17,012 --> 00:06:19,664 I had the feeling she was as bored as me… 56 00:06:19,918 --> 00:06:21,643 …that we’ve got the same defect… 57 00:06:21,763 --> 00:06:24,146 …and owing to this I found her more attractive. 58 00:07:20,346 --> 00:07:23,900 I was more and more suffering from being an outcast. 59 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:29,138 All the tricks were good… 60 00:07:29,646 --> 00:07:32,480 …to try to maintain my unsteady prestige. 61 00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:38,314 I came with a friend of mine, a journalist. 62 00:07:39,103 --> 00:07:42,119 We pretended to study the youth 63 00:07:43,053 --> 00:07:45,418 ..so that our presence was less strange. 64 00:07:46,977 --> 00:07:50,428 These tests were like a board game. 65 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,614 Our explanations were of course fanciful. 66 00:08:16,212 --> 00:08:18,841 But we tried our best to be respectful of egos. 67 00:08:19,136 --> 00:08:21,592 And everybody accepted to submit to our exam. 68 00:08:23,042 --> 00:08:25,814 It was fun and it made me feel comfortable. 69 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,168 But it was also widening the gap… 70 00:08:28,545 --> 00:08:30,626 …between them and I. 71 00:08:39,323 --> 00:08:41,953 I felt like saying a last goodbye to the people of the neighborhood. 72 00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:44,700 What was I waiting for? 73 00:08:45,604 --> 00:08:48,028 Was it because of her presence? 74 00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:54,263 I had discovered a few clues showing her relationship was coming to an end. 75 00:08:54,873 --> 00:08:56,904 Our eyes met once or twice… 76 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,416 …and I had perceived in her look an obvious curiosity. 77 00:09:01,292 --> 00:09:03,292 I started… 78 00:09:03,983 --> 00:09:05,454 …to be hopeful. 79 00:09:06,244 --> 00:09:09,127 It was strange that our meeting 80 00:09:09,543 --> 00:09:10,964 - in a so small place - 81 00:09:11,522 --> 00:09:13,583 …did not happen before. 82 00:09:44,974 --> 00:09:47,208 Our first meeting was disappointing: 83 00:09:47,512 --> 00:09:49,309 It took place, by coincidence… 84 00:09:49,594 --> 00:09:51,096 …in psychological circumstances. 85 00:09:51,908 --> 00:09:54,179 I thought she had something mysterious. 86 00:09:54,819 --> 00:09:55,946 But maybe I was wrong. 87 00:09:57,112 --> 00:09:58,940 I was surprised by her trivial… 88 00:09:59,863 --> 00:10:01,671 …and prosaic answers. 89 00:10:03,163 --> 00:10:05,031 What I had called anxiety, deep torment… 90 00:10:05,465 --> 00:10:08,591 was maybe just a kind of indifference… 91 00:10:09,119 --> 00:10:10,734 …a kind of weakness of nature. 92 00:10:11,391 --> 00:10:13,544 But it was difficult to admit I had made a mistake… 93 00:10:14,257 --> 00:10:16,349 …and I couldn’t resist the temptation to seduce her. 94 00:10:17,394 --> 00:10:19,090 Because of her lack of will… 95 00:10:19,589 --> 00:10:22,026 …I expected to conquer her easily… 96 00:10:22,691 --> 00:10:25,706 …and, hypocritically, I was satisfied. 97 00:10:30,842 --> 00:10:33,379 Indeed, I despised her to be so easily bluffed… 98 00:10:34,006 --> 00:10:35,732 …as she should have despised me… 99 00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,260 …to be so cautious to seduce her. 100 00:10:39,011 --> 00:10:40,808 She had no confidence in herself. 101 00:10:41,294 --> 00:10:44,177 She was looking for someone who would be able to bully her… 102 00:10:44,389 --> 00:10:46,263 …or at least be able to give her a goal 103 00:10:46,383 --> 00:10:50,151 - something she was unable to discover by herself. 104 00:10:51,405 --> 00:10:54,938 On my side, I was just thinking to adapt myself to her… 105 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:58,795 …and to study her. 106 00:10:59,591 --> 00:11:01,032 I was planning to do it in this way… 107 00:11:01,256 --> 00:11:03,550 …but I was the victim of my own imagination. 108 00:11:04,432 --> 00:11:07,569 The girl in front of me, was she really the same person? 109 00:11:08,108 --> 00:11:10,046 How could I be so blind? 110 00:11:10,599 --> 00:11:12,500 As a substitute to her I fancied a creature of fiction 111 00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:15,218 - a sort of ideal woman one could dream about at sixteen - 112 00:11:15,623 --> 00:11:18,913 I tried to speak when she was silent, abusing myself on my own "construct". 113 00:11:19,329 --> 00:11:20,980 I was just expecting one thing from her: 114 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,637 Not to demolish, by being suddenly frank… 115 00:11:23,932 --> 00:11:25,444 …my laborious "construct". 116 00:11:47,834 --> 00:11:51,255 My only goal was to get married. 117 00:11:52,084 --> 00:11:53,881 I did not really care about her. 118 00:11:54,439 --> 00:11:56,459 I just wanted her to be here when needed… 119 00:11:56,802 --> 00:11:59,289 …in the place I had assigned to her in the plan I had drawn up. 120 00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:03,685 I thought that at my age I have a right to what I stupidly called "love" or "happiness". 121 00:12:04,310 --> 00:12:05,914 My only concern was my success: 122 00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,127 a match between the event and my views. 123 00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:10,887 I was not really surprised by the easiness of my victory. 124 00:12:11,394 --> 00:12:14,561 I only wanted to see at work the sign of a benevolent destiny. 125 00:12:18,201 --> 00:12:20,102 I only had to collect the ripe fruit. 126 00:12:20,457 --> 00:12:21,889 All was in my favor: 127 00:12:22,098 --> 00:12:23,570 She had given up her studies halfway. 128 00:12:23,793 --> 00:12:25,802 She didn’t wish to go back to her parent’s. 129 00:12:26,010 --> 00:12:28,548 And she had just put an end to her relationship. 130 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,772 I was confident: 131 00:12:31,065 --> 00:12:33,857 she was impressed by the people I frequented 132 00:12:34,466 --> 00:12:36,192 - people I personally found boring. 133 00:12:36,495 --> 00:12:38,961 Her life was dull and my friends were wonderful to her opinion. 134 00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,099 She arrived from her countryside. 135 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,596 She had only met kids of her age who bullied her. 136 00:12:43,809 --> 00:12:47,099 My concern for her made her accept the idea of getting married… 137 00:12:47,456 --> 00:12:50,095 …in less time than I would have thought. 138 00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:28,113 Why did she accept so quickly? 139 00:13:29,129 --> 00:13:31,159 Was she ambitious or venal? 140 00:13:31,902 --> 00:13:33,963 She could have found someone richer. 141 00:13:35,476 --> 00:13:37,821 Was it out of spite or out of boredom? 142 00:13:39,096 --> 00:13:41,227 Was it because she could not stand my insistence? 143 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,110 Because I knew, at least at that time… 144 00:13:44,474 --> 00:13:46,200 …how to get to her vanity. 145 00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:50,443 Did she stop believing in love and was ready to experience the worst? 146 00:13:51,002 --> 00:13:54,372 Did she estimate that her decision was not so absurd? 147 00:13:55,265 --> 00:13:57,245 Did she plan to take advantage of the weakness… 148 00:13:58,017 --> 00:13:59,467 …she perceived in me? 149 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:15,393 When I was at the top of my anger I accused her of having yielded to despair… 150 00:14:15,513 --> 00:14:17,058 …and to the most sordid plan. 151 00:14:17,363 --> 00:14:19,901 I know for sure she never loved me. 152 00:14:20,689 --> 00:14:23,379 Her face was always expressionless; she always expressed the same hostile passivity 153 00:14:23,846 --> 00:14:25,468 …and the same resigned laziness. 154 00:14:26,270 --> 00:14:28,524 She obviously loathed this marriage. 155 00:14:47,290 --> 00:14:51,777 And yet, no union had ever been made so freely. 156 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:54,602 I always respectfully asked for her opinion. 157 00:14:55,030 --> 00:14:57,335 I respected her freedom just as mine. 158 00:14:57,827 --> 00:14:59,370 Her agreement was boosting my pride. 159 00:14:59,604 --> 00:15:01,015 It was for me the most important thing. 160 00:15:01,431 --> 00:15:03,021 What would be the next step? 161 00:15:03,648 --> 00:15:05,627 I was a little bit worried about our future 162 00:15:06,145 --> 00:15:07,606 …but I didn’t really want to think about it. 163 00:15:39,086 --> 00:15:41,005 How could I be so wrong? 164 00:15:41,125 --> 00:15:43,472 I believed a new era would come… 165 00:15:43,827 --> 00:15:46,496 …an era totally different to what I experienced before. 166 00:15:47,316 --> 00:15:51,042 I was eager to leave the neighborhood of my youth - 167 00:15:51,499 --> 00:15:54,088 a youth I was estimating dull and congealed. 168 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:57,255 I despised people for getting stuck in their habit… 169 00:15:57,651 --> 00:15:59,692 …for always experiencing the same dull pleasures 170 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,047 - pleasures I had been myself experiencing for too long. 171 00:16:02,886 --> 00:16:06,098 I felt sorry for them… 172 00:16:06,576 --> 00:16:10,240 …totally devoted to what I pretentiously called love. 173 00:16:46,390 --> 00:16:47,689 Was I really in love? 174 00:16:48,034 --> 00:16:49,190 Today I don’t believe it anymore. 175 00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:52,247 Only my pride was at stake. 176 00:16:52,713 --> 00:16:54,592 I was proud to see on their face… 177 00:16:54,941 --> 00:16:58,565 …this benevolent irony that boosted my vanity. 178 00:16:59,784 --> 00:17:01,672 Their poorly disguised jealousy… 179 00:17:03,351 --> 00:17:05,105 …was my best support… 180 00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,107 …my purest pleasure… 181 00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,299 …and maybe the whole reason of my happiness. 182 00:17:09,776 --> 00:17:12,228 Their jealousy was a sufficient judgment for me. 183 00:17:12,583 --> 00:17:14,365 Nothing was sincere inside me… 184 00:17:14,485 --> 00:17:16,223 …except the pleasure I got from their judgment. 185 00:17:17,543 --> 00:17:19,675 I gave to myself the right to despise my past life. 186 00:17:20,104 --> 00:17:21,739 I was not seeing on what a precarious basis… 187 00:17:21,859 --> 00:17:24,114 …I was going to build my future life. 188 00:17:24,488 --> 00:17:27,563 I was not aware of the boredom which already leaked out under our forced cheerfulness… 189 00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:30,790 and of the grin our smiles could hardly hide. 190 00:17:35,427 --> 00:17:39,203 A few months had passed since our wedding… 191 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:41,852 …and I had to recognize the obvious truth: 192 00:17:42,705 --> 00:17:44,218 I had been wrong about her… 193 00:17:44,704 --> 00:17:47,279 …in the same way she must have been wrong, I guess, about me. 194 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:51,562 We were the least compatible couple in the world. 195 00:17:52,849 --> 00:17:55,022 We were still smiling at each other by courtesy… 196 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,812 …by habit… by pride. 197 00:17:58,554 --> 00:18:01,701 It was difficult for both of us to admit our mistake. 198 00:18:02,598 --> 00:18:03,999 By fear of destroying everything… 199 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,964 …I always postponed having with her a straightforward discussion. 200 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,674 I had hoped that our common life, our household problems and our work… 201 00:18:10,794 --> 00:18:12,170 …would smooth out our dissimilarities. 202 00:18:12,870 --> 00:18:16,628 I wished that she would say or do something - in vain. 203 00:18:17,902 --> 00:18:20,227 I vainly tried to remember… 204 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,095 …any sign of affection from her. 205 00:18:22,755 --> 00:18:24,501 She was behaving… 206 00:18:24,765 --> 00:18:27,183 …as if being married with her should be sufficient for my happiness. 207 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,873 But she made clear there was no love between us… 208 00:18:30,303 --> 00:18:31,627 …and that there would not be ever. 209 00:18:33,163 --> 00:18:35,072 Other couples experienced difficult starts. 210 00:18:35,475 --> 00:18:39,197 My sin, my crime was to refuse to bow to common law… 211 00:18:39,506 --> 00:18:42,703 and to believe that nothing else was possible… 212 00:18:42,927 --> 00:18:44,154 …outside of this crumbling fairy tale. 213 00:18:44,489 --> 00:18:47,900 To be friends or to appreciate each other seemed to me not enough. 214 00:18:48,306 --> 00:18:51,982 I could not admit that fighting for years to find happiness… 215 00:18:52,274 --> 00:18:53,249 …was better than experiencing the most wonderful myth. 216 00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:55,706 After experiencing the top of my happiness… 217 00:18:56,041 --> 00:18:58,244 …totally focused on getting the best of it… 218 00:18:58,518 --> 00:19:00,467 …I started to perceive the slope that led to misfortune… 219 00:19:00,677 --> 00:19:03,225 …and I was fascinated by its vertiginous curve. 220 00:19:04,771 --> 00:19:07,137 It seemed already impossible to backtrack. 221 00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:09,979 We realized that we had nothing left to say. 222 00:19:10,273 --> 00:19:11,684 All our projects were stuck. 223 00:19:11,908 --> 00:19:15,269 Our apartment had the same cold appearance since the first day I moved in. 224 00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:18,416 We were both living in a world apart… 225 00:19:19,086 --> 00:19:21,299 …in an incommunicable dream. 226 00:19:22,922 --> 00:19:25,410 What was her dream, what was she thinking about? 227 00:19:25,633 --> 00:19:27,816 To her bad luck, to her mistake? 228 00:19:28,555 --> 00:19:31,200 Why didn’t she even try to accuse me? 229 00:19:31,407 --> 00:19:34,473 Why did she remain silent, why was she so disdainful? 230 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,447 I started to loathe her… 231 00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:42,803 …and I thought she started to loathe me. 232 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:47,423 These barriers every couple has to overcome at least once 233 00:19:47,829 --> 00:19:49,410 …blocked my horizon… 234 00:19:49,530 --> 00:19:52,182 …forever. 235 00:19:53,014 --> 00:19:55,179 When the first quarrels broke… 236 00:19:55,544 --> 00:19:58,346 …I felt like a relief, a kind of pleasure: 237 00:19:58,848 --> 00:20:02,452 these feelings were replacing my desire to love and to be loved. 238 00:20:37,292 --> 00:20:40,155 If other people were quarreling and hypocritically reconciling as we did… 239 00:20:40,684 --> 00:20:43,994 …I would have found that kind of behavior vulgar and squalid. 240 00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:46,597 I found something virtuous and noble in our quarrels… 241 00:20:46,717 --> 00:20:48,544 …when they were not. 242 00:20:48,906 --> 00:20:50,808 I had the feeling to live at last. 243 00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:52,958 Everything seemed to me better than the boredom… 244 00:20:53,232 --> 00:20:55,293 …we were usually experiencing. 245 00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,857 I hoped that these petty arguments… 246 00:20:59,276 --> 00:21:01,233 …would clear the air. 247 00:21:02,187 --> 00:21:05,175 But I had the feeling that my fits of anger were just momentarily suspended… 248 00:21:05,926 --> 00:21:09,611 …that I was going to be the plaything of another unknown power… 249 00:21:10,242 --> 00:21:12,297 …and I was already anticipating the thrill of it. 250 00:21:13,247 --> 00:21:16,668 I was in this state of mind when I met this guy in the early winter. 251 00:21:16,892 --> 00:21:20,462 This young and highly rated critic had asked me to write an article. 252 00:21:21,256 --> 00:21:22,392 I estimated his gift. 253 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,728 We had the same tastes but totally opposed characters. 254 00:21:26,561 --> 00:21:29,444 This contrast, far from dividing us, helped us to become closer. 255 00:21:29,848 --> 00:21:31,544 I was eager to stop thinking about my own problems. 256 00:21:31,980 --> 00:21:35,746 I always liked to be with friends different from me. 257 00:21:54,377 --> 00:21:57,087 Of course my wife did not welcome him… 258 00:21:57,372 --> 00:21:59,354 …just like all the people I introduced to her. 259 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,540 Everything I was linked with… 260 00:22:02,744 --> 00:22:05,383 - my friends, my tastes, my cravings - 261 00:22:05,503 --> 00:22:07,190 …never found her approval. 262 00:22:07,489 --> 00:22:10,335 I was irritated but also flattered… 263 00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:12,707 …that she ignored others just like she was doing with me. 264 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,692 I knew that women used to like him and I stood on guard. 265 00:22:16,139 --> 00:22:18,098 I was so utterly dismayed at that time… 266 00:22:18,342 --> 00:22:21,032 …that I was the plaything of the most opposite thoughts. 267 00:22:21,499 --> 00:22:23,998 Sometimes I wished he would manage to entertain her… 268 00:22:24,118 --> 00:22:25,873 …and to make appear on her face… 269 00:22:25,993 --> 00:22:28,531 …a smile I haven’t been seeing for months. 270 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,714 Sometimes I rather hoped… 271 00:22:30,834 --> 00:22:32,858 …that she would loathe him… 272 00:22:32,978 --> 00:22:37,416 …that she would blame me for liking him and do everything to break our new friendship. 273 00:22:38,510 --> 00:22:40,759 The latter wish was the one I had deep in my heart. 274 00:22:40,998 --> 00:22:44,631 Unfortunately I got the feeling reality would be the opposite of my desire. 275 00:22:44,997 --> 00:22:47,636 It was like testing her. 276 00:22:47,959 --> 00:22:50,569 If she cannot bear being with him, I thought, 277 00:22:50,689 --> 00:22:52,740 …maybe nothing is lost. 278 00:22:53,227 --> 00:22:56,080 But if he has any hold on her… 279 00:22:56,332 --> 00:22:58,047 …it will definitely prove that our union… 280 00:22:58,382 --> 00:23:01,266 …was the saddest misunderstanding ever. 281 00:23:16,820 --> 00:23:18,769 I bet and I lost. 282 00:23:19,591 --> 00:23:23,003 My last hopes flew away with my first suspicions. 283 00:23:24,173 --> 00:23:27,878 I was definitely full of hatred. 284 00:23:28,639 --> 00:23:31,891 Nothing could change it. 285 00:24:14,344 --> 00:24:18,183 That night, I realized for the first time 286 00:24:18,721 --> 00:24:22,106 …what was the exact nature of my anger. 287 00:24:22,822 --> 00:24:26,599 While everybody was worrying or plotting… 288 00:24:27,097 --> 00:24:29,904 I was focused on my jealousy and my despair. 289 00:24:30,348 --> 00:24:34,157 Because of her, because of him, I started focusing on their complicity. 290 00:24:34,277 --> 00:24:38,348 Meanwhile, I could also easily hear the impact of each bow stroke… 291 00:24:38,468 --> 00:24:39,816 …of each piano key. 292 00:25:34,543 --> 00:25:36,411 Music is a terrible thing: 293 00:25:36,670 --> 00:25:39,777 One said it calms, it ennobles: it’s not true. 294 00:25:39,897 --> 00:25:43,229 Music can only give some excitement… 295 00:25:43,482 --> 00:25:46,553 …a pure and hopeless excitement. 296 00:25:47,242 --> 00:25:49,485 It strengthens your internal agony… 297 00:25:49,871 --> 00:25:52,521 …without giving you any help to end it. 298 00:25:53,352 --> 00:25:55,098 The impetuosity of this first presto… 299 00:25:55,423 --> 00:25:57,493 …was so close to my evening thoughts… 300 00:25:57,709 --> 00:26:00,632 …that it didn’t appease them… 301 00:26:00,752 --> 00:26:03,088 …but rather excited them. 302 00:26:03,616 --> 00:26:06,469 I knew I was waiting for something to happen… 303 00:26:06,589 --> 00:26:10,065 …something extremely violent and dreadful. 304 00:26:10,446 --> 00:26:12,009 Definitely, music does not appease. 305 00:26:12,573 --> 00:26:14,431 Like alcohol or a drug… 306 00:26:14,848 --> 00:26:18,167 …it makes believe our meanest feelings are great. 307 00:26:18,622 --> 00:26:20,642 Music can cope with our moods. 308 00:26:20,762 --> 00:26:22,794 It can lead them to insanity, to climax. 309 00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:26,408 But it can also make us slaves of them. 310 00:26:27,165 --> 00:26:29,206 Nothing was important for me but my anger. 311 00:26:29,542 --> 00:26:31,694 I pampered it, I enjoyed it… 312 00:26:31,814 --> 00:26:33,268 …just like a first love. 313 00:26:33,684 --> 00:26:37,439 It was my only friend, my only support, my only refuge. 314 00:27:15,235 --> 00:27:16,768 Between the triviality… 315 00:27:17,072 --> 00:27:19,430 …of the world where the others were rotting… 316 00:27:19,843 --> 00:27:23,183 …and the fascinating beauty of the world my anger made me perceive 317 00:27:23,604 --> 00:27:25,146 …there was no debate. 318 00:27:25,918 --> 00:27:29,400 I had to give way to my anger… 319 00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:33,125 …and I had to follow its every whim, its lower requirements. 320 00:27:34,169 --> 00:27:37,052 I had to obey my anger 321 00:27:37,607 --> 00:27:40,586 …wherever and whatever it would require… 322 00:27:41,127 --> 00:27:45,249 …until madness… disaster… and even murder. 323 00:28:35,355 --> 00:28:36,425 She loved him. 324 00:28:36,763 --> 00:28:39,464 It was obvious even for someone blind. 325 00:28:39,993 --> 00:28:42,571 He was the only one she was smiling at, looking at… 326 00:28:43,038 --> 00:28:46,155 …speaking to - with endearing words she never used with me. 327 00:28:47,278 --> 00:28:52,032 He was the only one who can witness her devotion, her joy. 328 00:28:53,051 --> 00:28:56,757 This could not happen. 329 00:28:57,854 --> 00:29:02,981 Yet it was taking place nearby me, almost under my eyes. 330 00:29:29,055 --> 00:29:32,993 I stopped feeling remorse about my crisis. 331 00:29:33,883 --> 00:29:37,995 The only thing I knew was they would burst out with more violence… 332 00:29:38,676 --> 00:29:39,823 …and would have no limit. 333 00:29:40,514 --> 00:29:44,929 Everything was a pretext for my anger, like the slightest absence or phone call. 334 00:30:17,322 --> 00:30:21,196 I would have liked to destroy her, to crush her, to dissolve her… 335 00:30:21,656 --> 00:30:24,103 …until nothing would remain of her. 336 00:30:24,646 --> 00:30:27,763 But I knew it was not possible, not yet possible. 337 00:30:28,496 --> 00:30:31,714 My anger was still not strong enough to force me to do this. 338 00:30:32,122 --> 00:30:35,470 It was still circumscribed… 339 00:30:35,590 --> 00:30:38,416 …by a residue of will even when I was going mad. 340 00:30:39,897 --> 00:30:42,346 She believed that I was acting… 341 00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:45,825 …that I wanted to frighten her - whereas I was just ridiculous. 342 00:30:46,209 --> 00:30:47,965 I didn’t pay attention to the way she reacted. 343 00:30:48,275 --> 00:30:51,646 It was like the rehearsal of the final act… 344 00:30:52,052 --> 00:30:53,402 …that would happen sooner or later. 345 00:30:53,676 --> 00:30:56,357 It was something too important, too dreadful… 346 00:30:56,751 --> 00:30:58,841 …to burst out suddenly… 347 00:30:59,145 --> 00:31:02,821 …without any trial, any previous mistakes, any remorse. 348 00:31:50,949 --> 00:31:52,360 Why didn’t she leave? 349 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:54,076 I think I would have let her go. 350 00:31:54,431 --> 00:31:56,435 Did she refuse to take my anger seriously? 351 00:31:56,831 --> 00:31:59,156 Or was he manipulating her? 352 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,871 Was she trying to be sure of his sincerity before breaking with me? 353 00:32:03,559 --> 00:32:05,986 I got the idea she tried to play for time… 354 00:32:06,606 --> 00:32:08,484 …and that she was pretending. 355 00:32:09,570 --> 00:32:11,083 Her way to pretend deceived me… 356 00:32:11,418 --> 00:32:14,158 …but reassured my rational side at the same time. 357 00:32:14,527 --> 00:32:16,092 As matters stood… 358 00:32:16,212 --> 00:32:18,931 …the slightest spark could have all ignited. 359 00:32:19,337 --> 00:32:20,744 When I was quiet… 360 00:32:20,977 --> 00:32:22,673 I tried thinking about everything… 361 00:32:22,793 --> 00:32:25,524 (as both of us were apparently coping with the circumstances) 362 00:32:25,859 --> 00:32:28,996 …that delayed the upcoming final burning. 363 00:32:41,309 --> 00:32:43,322 She promised me to stop seeing him. 364 00:32:43,681 --> 00:32:46,564 I was so naive I did not doubt her word. 365 00:32:46,684 --> 00:32:49,689 I believed she was not able to deeply love someone… 366 00:32:50,095 --> 00:32:52,185 …or to be faithful to a whim. 367 00:32:52,709 --> 00:32:54,079 Thus I took her at her words… 368 00:32:54,313 --> 00:32:58,313 …and a visible peace prevailed during a couple of weeks. 369 00:33:00,541 --> 00:33:02,887 Then I worked a lot… 370 00:33:03,251 --> 00:33:05,463 …and I often had to leave home. 371 00:33:12,597 --> 00:33:15,084 One evening I came back home unexpectedly. 372 00:33:16,058 --> 00:33:19,156 I smelt a familiar odor of Turkish cigarettes… 373 00:33:19,972 --> 00:33:21,677 …and I realized the ashtray was perfectly clean: 374 00:33:23,180 --> 00:33:26,835 I had no doubt she was acting. 375 00:33:30,699 --> 00:33:32,455 For me it was like taking a cold shower. 376 00:33:33,075 --> 00:33:36,496 But instead of getting angry I remained perfectly quiet. 377 00:33:39,127 --> 00:33:40,710 As she was seeing him in our place… 378 00:33:40,984 --> 00:33:43,040 …it would not be difficult to catch them in the act. 379 00:33:43,447 --> 00:33:45,221 I decided to pretend being joyful… 380 00:33:45,444 --> 00:33:48,226 …and she behaved likewise, not to be outdone. 381 00:33:49,191 --> 00:33:50,915 She was acting so well… 382 00:33:51,403 --> 00:33:53,402 …it strengthened my previous decision. 383 00:33:55,635 --> 00:33:57,414 As soon as I got the opportunity… 384 00:33:57,534 --> 00:34:00,571 …I pretended to have a business trip. 385 00:34:19,822 --> 00:34:21,172 This was this very morning. 386 00:34:21,803 --> 00:34:23,487 The imminent outcome 387 00:34:23,741 --> 00:34:25,862 …brought back my former moods. 388 00:34:27,175 --> 00:34:29,982 I just feared my trick was useless. 389 00:34:30,708 --> 00:34:33,175 I could stand anything but the failure of my plot. 390 00:34:34,081 --> 00:34:36,485 If I caught them in the act it would be harrowing: 391 00:34:37,073 --> 00:34:38,639 But it would be the abrupt end of my doubts… 392 00:34:39,117 --> 00:34:41,746 …which had still survived against all reason. 393 00:34:42,670 --> 00:34:45,180 But nothing was more painful than these doubts. 394 00:34:45,931 --> 00:34:47,749 And what can put an end to my doubts 395 00:34:48,266 --> 00:34:49,637 …except something irreparable? 396 00:34:50,752 --> 00:34:52,143 My pain was so strong… 397 00:34:52,681 --> 00:34:55,604 …I wanted to go far away and never return. 398 00:34:56,457 --> 00:35:01,092 Then I thought walking in fresh air would make me good. 399 00:35:04,294 --> 00:35:07,907 For a minute I had the idea to jump in front of a truck… 400 00:35:08,324 --> 00:35:09,664 …to quickly put an end to the whole story. 401 00:35:10,100 --> 00:35:11,808 But it would have been too easy for her. 402 00:35:12,724 --> 00:35:15,028 I didn’t care about happiness or sadness anymore. 403 00:35:15,423 --> 00:35:17,545 All that mattered to me was to get revenge. 404 00:35:18,713 --> 00:35:20,327 What would happen next - precisely? 405 00:35:21,006 --> 00:35:22,114 I could not say. 406 00:35:22,642 --> 00:35:26,154 It would depend on them, on me and especially on my anger. 407 00:35:26,530 --> 00:35:28,124 I knew that I would give way to my anger… 408 00:35:28,244 --> 00:35:29,921 …let it guide me… 409 00:35:30,041 --> 00:35:33,105 …and let it take all the necessary initiatives. 410 00:35:33,866 --> 00:35:36,729 I had the feeling he was a little bit stronger than me: 411 00:35:37,188 --> 00:35:39,521 It would prevent me from fighting in cold blood… 412 00:35:39,919 --> 00:35:41,573 …and thus I could use any means. 413 00:35:42,003 --> 00:35:44,228 I would seize whatever I found… 414 00:35:44,348 --> 00:35:46,256 …a press book, a lamp, a chair… 415 00:35:46,479 --> 00:35:49,358 …or this dagger placed on the shelf of the antechamber… 416 00:35:49,642 --> 00:35:52,434 …where the fight should take place. 417 00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:56,470 I would fight foolishly, like a madman… 418 00:35:57,034 --> 00:35:58,881 …without trying to hurt him personally… 419 00:35:59,001 --> 00:36:01,051 - I could never really hate him - 420 00:36:01,529 --> 00:36:04,402 …but because it would be the natural consequence of my wrath… 421 00:36:04,770 --> 00:36:07,744 …because the dream I forged… 422 00:36:08,152 --> 00:36:11,511 …had to find in the real world its answer. 423 00:38:44,094 --> 00:38:46,066 He tried to avoid the fight. 424 00:38:46,540 --> 00:38:49,078 Everything was happening in an ordinary way. 425 00:38:50,648 --> 00:38:55,806 She kept on looking at me contemptuously… 426 00:38:55,926 --> 00:38:57,804 …not more scared than usual. 427 00:38:59,506 --> 00:39:02,346 My weakening anger had to quickly rise again. 428 00:39:02,696 --> 00:39:05,214 Soon it would be too late. 429 00:39:12,390 --> 00:39:14,628 It finally happened what I had thought… 430 00:39:14,748 --> 00:39:16,908 …but not in the way I had thought it would. 431 00:39:17,334 --> 00:39:19,427 What I dreamt to do… 432 00:39:19,772 --> 00:39:21,541 …being totally blind… 433 00:39:21,661 --> 00:39:23,854 …I accomplished it being fully aware of my deed. 434 00:39:24,357 --> 00:39:27,261 These gestures that I imagined in my crisis… 435 00:39:27,514 --> 00:39:30,185 …I accomplished them driven by my will. 436 00:39:30,305 --> 00:39:32,513 At every moment I knew what I was doing. 437 00:39:32,720 --> 00:39:36,819 Everything was going in a necessary and inevitable way. 438 00:39:36,939 --> 00:39:39,769 Nothing could stop me. 439 00:39:40,105 --> 00:39:41,797 As if this dreadful end… 440 00:39:41,917 --> 00:39:44,156 …justified, magnified… 441 00:39:44,276 --> 00:39:47,098 …all the doubts I had experienced… 442 00:39:47,647 --> 00:39:50,947 …during the whole process.