1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,980 On the Buses, number 4, part 1, production number 0756, date recorded 2 00:00:04,980 --> 00:00:06,700 of the 7th, 1971, take 1. 3 00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:13,930 Come on then, Stan. Let's go and see Blakey about this, too. 4 00:01:14,330 --> 00:01:16,730 You tell the inspector I want a decent cabaret this year. 5 00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,970 None of that rubbish we had last year, mate. Don't you worry, mate. We're going 6 00:01:19,970 --> 00:01:21,710 to have a decent cabaret. I've got the photos here. 7 00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:25,630 Yeah, let's see them. Don't worry, chalky boy. Be right to handle Blakey. 8 00:01:25,630 --> 00:01:26,169 on, mate. 9 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,170 Just a minute, fellas. 10 00:01:29,050 --> 00:01:30,050 Come in. 11 00:01:32,150 --> 00:01:33,330 Oh, it's you two. 12 00:01:33,890 --> 00:01:34,890 Now, what do you want? 13 00:01:35,090 --> 00:01:36,730 We've come to see you about the boozer. 14 00:01:37,290 --> 00:01:38,730 You mean the dinner dogs. 15 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,760 I wouldn't allow you to call it a booze -up. Booze -up? Blimey, most of the 16 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:43,760 fellas aren't so polite. 17 00:01:43,940 --> 00:01:45,240 They call it a right -hold. 18 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:49,180 All right, all right, we know all about that. But I will not have a repetition 19 00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:51,620 of the drunken brawl we had on the premises last year. 20 00:01:51,860 --> 00:01:54,860 What are you talking about, drunken brawl? That was only a bit of fun. A bit 21 00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:58,320 fun? Look at all the damage you've only just got cleared up now from last year. 22 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,140 Broken windows, broken glasses and chairs and tables. All right, all right, 23 00:02:01,140 --> 00:02:02,140 Blakey, all right, Blakey. 24 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,340 All right, Blakey, we've got the message. I tell you what, we promise 25 00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:08,180 good boys this year. Now, listen, the fellas wanted us to have a word with you 26 00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:09,098 about the cabaret. 27 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:10,100 Yeah. Deborah? 28 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,840 Yeah. Well, we always have a conjurer, don't we? 29 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,820 Yeah. Well, this year the lads thought we ought to have a change. 30 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,660 Oh. Oh, did they? 31 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,620 Yes. We want you to book Sandra. 32 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:22,300 Who? 33 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,100 Sandra. We saw her at the Cosmo Club. 34 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,320 That's Sandra. 35 00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:33,020 Is she a conjurer? 36 00:02:36,130 --> 00:02:41,170 Well, not exactly, no. I mean, she hasn't got anything up her sleeve, but 37 00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:43,610 she starts, things pop out from all over the place. 38 00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:47,530 Are you suggesting I book a female stripper? 39 00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:51,010 Well, look, that's the whole idea, mate. I mean, while they're looking at her, 40 00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:53,370 the fellas won't be getting drunk and smashing the place up. 41 00:02:53,830 --> 00:02:56,610 Exactly, he's right, you know, he's right. I mean, this is it, this is it. 42 00:02:56,670 --> 00:03:00,430 Here's Sandra, the Scandinavian stripper. And I tell you something, a 43 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,430 only £10. 44 00:03:02,030 --> 00:03:03,250 Is she stripped down of this? 45 00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:05,480 No, no, no. 46 00:03:06,260 --> 00:03:07,560 She strips down to this. 47 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:15,700 She's completely, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, but let's face it, only ten pounds. 48 00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:17,060 It's disgusting. 49 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,720 Oh, no. If you want it disgusting, that's another fiver. 50 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:24,340 Well, they can forget about her because they're not having her. Listen, Blackie, 51 00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:27,160 unless you agree to her, the lads will boycott the dance. 52 00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:28,420 Yeah, yeah. 53 00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:31,560 Now, don't try blackmailing me, mate, I tell you. 54 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,000 Come in. 55 00:03:33,450 --> 00:03:34,450 Oh, Inspector. 56 00:03:34,870 --> 00:03:37,410 I'm sorry to trouble you, but have you seen my wave bill anywhere? 57 00:03:37,730 --> 00:03:40,510 Yes, I've got it here. Oh, it's OK. Here it is. Oh, no. 58 00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:42,370 Oh, Inspector. 59 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:44,810 Oh, dear, one of those. 60 00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:46,470 Fancy. 61 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:48,570 No, no, that's nothing to do with me. 62 00:03:48,970 --> 00:03:52,710 Oh, no? Well, who is she, then? It's a new clippy who's been interviewing. 63 00:03:52,930 --> 00:03:56,710 Yeah, he's stripped her off like that so he can measure her for a new uniform. 64 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:01,000 How dare you? Yeah, he took that photo of himself, you know. Yeah, yeah. 65 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,060 Watch it, watch it. Anyway, stripping you. 66 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,400 It's nothing to do with me. They brought that in here. Yeah, well, we know what 67 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,740 he likes. Go on, take it out. 68 00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:10,580 Here, just you wait, so I tell the other girls about you. 69 00:04:12,580 --> 00:04:15,640 I've just had a butt enough of you two bringing this filthy picture in here. Go 70 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,500 on, take it out of here. No, no, temper, temper. 71 00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:21,019 Go on, get out. You're not having that woman, and that's that. I'm keeping that 72 00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:22,019 dance respectable. 73 00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:24,880 Yeah, well, we'll see about that. We'll take it up with the dance committee and 74 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:25,880 put it to the vote. 75 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:27,280 Yes, you do that, mate. 76 00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:29,540 I happen to be the chairman of the dance committee. 77 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,660 Oh, are you? Yeah. Oh, well, in that case, here, you'd better give him that 78 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:37,100 just to show him what we're having. Don't take it out on him. Well, don't 79 00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:39,540 about, mate. I'll give you the best bit. Go get out of here! 80 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,399 What's that one? 81 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,560 Oh, look at this. 82 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:50,100 And it is creepy. Have a look at that. 83 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,360 Oh, blimey, yeah. 84 00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:53,440 I told you, we always have a good do. 85 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:54,680 Yeah. 86 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,240 Oh, there's Arthur, our gay thing. 87 00:04:59,430 --> 00:05:00,430 Hello, love. 88 00:05:00,630 --> 00:05:02,310 Hello, Arthur, love. Have a good day. 89 00:05:04,990 --> 00:05:07,030 What are you so pleased about? 90 00:05:07,830 --> 00:05:10,030 Dan's brought home the tickets for the busman's ball. 91 00:05:10,330 --> 00:05:11,530 Oh. Thank you, Mark. 92 00:05:11,990 --> 00:05:14,350 Yeah, I've got one of the old ladies here. I'm treating her. 93 00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:15,810 And there's your one. 94 00:05:15,970 --> 00:05:17,990 You and Olive. That's four quid you owe me. 95 00:05:18,850 --> 00:05:20,570 Yes, well, I don't think we should be going. 96 00:05:21,050 --> 00:05:22,050 Oh, Arthur. 97 00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:24,930 Why not? You went last year. Exactly. 98 00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:26,910 That's probably why we're not going this year. 99 00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:30,460 But we had a lovely time. 100 00:05:31,140 --> 00:05:32,920 Lovely time? What are you talking about? 101 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,200 A busman's brawl, it should be called. 102 00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:39,220 Look, if I want to be pushed around and insulted by a lot of scruffy busmen, 103 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,920 mate, I can always get a Fortney bus right up the high street. 104 00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:48,020 Look, mate, I don't mind you getting at me, but surely you can take her out once 105 00:05:48,020 --> 00:05:48,739 a year. 106 00:05:48,740 --> 00:05:52,860 Oh, yes, Arthur, we did enjoy ourselves last year. When Stan bought all the 107 00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:55,960 tickets, Mum got out the photos they took last year. Look. 108 00:05:56,820 --> 00:05:57,960 Oh, look at this. 109 00:05:58,430 --> 00:06:00,170 This is me doing a knees up. 110 00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:02,010 Do you remember? 111 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,170 I'm hardly likely to forget. 112 00:06:06,470 --> 00:06:07,570 It was rather embarrassing. 113 00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:11,110 Well, it's a good job we didn't take it a couple of minutes later. 114 00:06:11,630 --> 00:06:12,630 Why's that? 115 00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:14,310 That's when me elastic broke. 116 00:06:16,830 --> 00:06:18,130 Here's one of us. Look. 117 00:06:18,550 --> 00:06:21,490 I was trying to get Arthur to dance the tango. Oh, yeah. 118 00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:24,110 And did you remember that? Oh, no, you've got to go. Look. 119 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,359 Look at that, you there. 120 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,400 I can see that mad, passionate look on your face. 121 00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:32,700 I still think that rose in the mouth looks a bit stupid. 122 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:33,960 It was lovely. 123 00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:38,480 Oh, look at this one. Here, this is when Stan borrowed all his glasses and 124 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:39,720 pretended he was a girl. 125 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,180 That one. Oh, good, yeah. 126 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:45,820 All right, would you remember? 127 00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:51,860 In the ladies' excuse me... In the ladies' excuse me, I went up and asked 128 00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:52,860 Charlotte for a dance. 129 00:06:54,250 --> 00:06:57,150 Oh, goodness, you must have been sloshed to make you a fool of yourself like 130 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,250 that. I wasn't as sloshed as Charlie. 131 00:06:59,950 --> 00:07:01,430 He tried to get me in the car park. 132 00:07:02,930 --> 00:07:06,370 No, you've got to admit, it was a good do. And this year, a bit of the same. 133 00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:08,550 No, I'm sorry, mate. I'm more convinced than ever. 134 00:07:08,890 --> 00:07:10,750 You've wasted your four pounds. We're not going. 135 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:14,090 I think you're mean. I was so looking forward to it. 136 00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:19,150 Now, see what you've done? 137 00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:20,370 You're much better. 138 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,520 and she's gone off without finishing her tea. 139 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,160 Blimey, she must be upset. 140 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,320 I'd better go and get her back. 141 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,040 Olive! 142 00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:33,860 Olive, love, come down. 143 00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:35,980 Hello, Mr. B. 144 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,440 Oh, hello, love. Here, have a cup of tea. I'll toss one in the pot. Here, I'd 145 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:44,460 better go and get her down. Well, if she can't finish her food, she'll waste 146 00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:45,460 away. 147 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,100 Here, mate, have I got some good news. 148 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,319 What? What? 149 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,980 We've beaten Blakey. The dance committee put it to the vote and he lost. We're 150 00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:55,980 having Sandra. 151 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,179 Oh, we are? 152 00:07:57,180 --> 00:08:00,040 Great, Sandra. I've been up to her agent. He sent some more photos. Look. 153 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,120 There you are. Look at that, mate. 154 00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:02,860 Yeah, 155 00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:06,040 I can't wait to see old Blakey's face when she comes on. 156 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,540 I'll tell you something, mate. When she comes on, I won't be looking at Blakey's 157 00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:10,540 face. 158 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,680 What's all that, then? Oh, that's the stripper we're having for our booze out. 159 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,040 Look at that, mate. Not a stitch on, eh? 160 00:08:20,410 --> 00:08:22,050 I must say, that's very nice. 161 00:08:22,590 --> 00:08:25,930 She gets like that halfway through her act, then she starts doing her 162 00:08:25,930 --> 00:08:27,170 contortions. My goodness. 163 00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:32,669 What about that bit when she comes off the floor, jumps on your table and does 164 00:08:32,669 --> 00:08:33,669 the splits on it? 165 00:08:34,809 --> 00:08:37,770 You're going to get an eyeful of that, mate. Oh, you're going to enjoy that. 166 00:08:38,610 --> 00:08:39,669 He won't. Why? 167 00:08:40,370 --> 00:08:41,370 He ain't going. 168 00:08:42,090 --> 00:08:43,090 You what? 169 00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:46,190 Well, I have been thinking about that. 170 00:08:47,950 --> 00:08:51,210 And, uh... Well, Olive does seem rather upset. 171 00:08:51,510 --> 00:08:53,870 I... I don't want to hurt her feelings. 172 00:08:56,750 --> 00:08:57,750 Her feelings? 173 00:08:58,110 --> 00:08:59,870 Blimey, it's your feelings you're worried about. 174 00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:04,090 Not at all. Not at all. No, I just think Olive deserves a treat. That's all. 175 00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:06,450 Come on, now. Here you are. Here you are. 176 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,810 I'll hot all this up for you. 177 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,790 Uh, look here, Olive. Um, I have been thinking. 178 00:09:13,410 --> 00:09:14,850 And you seem rather keen. 179 00:09:15,070 --> 00:09:19,950 Uh... Perhaps we will be going to the busman's do after all. Oh, Arthur, thank 180 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,670 you. You are a darling. 181 00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,190 Don't need to go raving mad. 182 00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:30,910 I shall have to see about my dress. Hey, wait a minute. I didn't say anything 183 00:09:30,910 --> 00:09:31,970 about buying a new dress. 184 00:09:32,290 --> 00:09:36,350 Oh, no, don't worry. I can alter last year's. Oh, I'm glad you're going to the 185 00:09:36,350 --> 00:09:37,350 ball, dear. 186 00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:41,270 Oh, I always said there's nothing wrong with Arthur's heart. 187 00:09:41,490 --> 00:09:42,490 No. 188 00:09:43,820 --> 00:09:45,420 There's nothing wrong with his eyes, either. 189 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,240 Oh, clever boy. That's all it was. 190 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,810 Just needed adjusting, that's all. 191 00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:15,970 Oh, never mind. I'll put the tools a while after I've had some tea. Oh, now 192 00:10:15,970 --> 00:10:19,610 machine's going, I can put my dress on and then I can mark the hem where I want 193 00:10:19,610 --> 00:10:21,670 it. I must get it ready in time for the ball. 194 00:10:22,630 --> 00:10:26,790 Oh, I think I'd better just draw the curtains, love. It's not very nice for 195 00:10:26,790 --> 00:10:28,310 anybody passing by outside. 196 00:10:29,310 --> 00:10:31,510 Well, it's not exactly a treat for anybody in here. 197 00:10:39,530 --> 00:10:43,010 Now then, put your little hands in. There you are. That's a good girl. 198 00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:44,530 Now then. Whoops. 199 00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:46,890 That's it. Now, can you mark the hem for me? 200 00:10:47,490 --> 00:10:50,770 Oh, no, love. I can't bend down. Me back's playing me up a bit, love. 201 00:10:51,070 --> 00:10:55,790 Here, Arthur, you give her a hand. I... I'm doing me pose, aren't I? Oh, well, 202 00:10:55,930 --> 00:10:57,390 uh... Stan. 203 00:10:57,950 --> 00:11:00,290 What? You give her. Oh, you're all right then, ma 'am. 204 00:11:01,390 --> 00:11:02,870 All right, darling, I'll do it for you. 205 00:11:03,890 --> 00:11:04,829 What do you want to do? 206 00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:07,750 Well, you put a pin in the hem just two inches below my knee. 207 00:11:08,819 --> 00:11:09,819 Yeah, all right. 208 00:11:12,820 --> 00:11:14,260 No, can't you get up a bit higher? 209 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,980 It's awkward there. Well, stand on something. That'll do. 210 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:18,840 Get your feet off. Get your feet off. 211 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,160 You stand up there, darling. Right. 212 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,900 Now, let me see. Make sure it's just two inches below my knee. Two inches below 213 00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:27,900 your knee. 214 00:11:33,420 --> 00:11:34,720 Blimey, I can't find your knee! 215 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,420 Well, don't be stupid. It's me. 216 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,840 Well, I know it's there, but I can't see where it stops and where the leg 217 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:41,840 starts, that's all. 218 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,220 Oh, I can find a lump here. I've got it, yes. One minute. Now, 219 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,100 take those two out there for a start, and I know what I'm doing, right? 220 00:11:50,780 --> 00:11:52,820 Two inches below the knee, right? 221 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:55,340 That's better. 222 00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:56,700 I'll get that. 223 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,480 Two inches below the knee. I think that's about it there, lovey. 224 00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:01,060 That's that one. 225 00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:03,140 Now, two inches below the knee here. 226 00:12:11,850 --> 00:12:12,850 That's funny. 227 00:12:13,290 --> 00:12:15,150 Well, it's right there, and it's wrong there. 228 00:12:15,450 --> 00:12:16,450 But what do you mean? 229 00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:18,790 Well, you must have one kneecap higher than the other. 230 00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:23,450 I'll tell you what I'll do, love. I'll split the difference and put it in the 231 00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:24,670 middle. How's that? Will that suit you? All right. 232 00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:27,930 Yeah, that looks about even to me. Right, I'll put it there then. OK. 233 00:12:28,350 --> 00:12:29,350 Right. OK? 234 00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:31,490 Yeah. Now you must put one in the back. 235 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,330 Well, Arthur can do that, because he's round that bit. 236 00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:35,830 Arthur, it's your job. One minute, this one's coming up. 237 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:37,149 Arthur, here. 238 00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:40,290 Arthur. Arthur, come on, help out, will you? All right, all right, all right, 239 00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:41,290 all right. All right. 240 00:12:41,530 --> 00:12:42,790 Two inches below my knee. 241 00:12:43,650 --> 00:12:45,990 What are you talking about? You haven't got knees at the back? 242 00:12:47,930 --> 00:12:49,690 Her knees go all the way round. 243 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,330 Oh, don't be so rude. 244 00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,170 Oh, I was only joking. Don't be silly. 245 00:12:53,450 --> 00:12:57,210 Look, look. Look, bend your knee up like that so that he can see the fold. 246 00:12:57,530 --> 00:12:58,530 Oh, all right. 247 00:13:02,150 --> 00:13:03,910 You stupid great love! 248 00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:06,250 Sorry, Arthur. 249 00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:08,410 It's worse than trying to shoe an horse. 250 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,700 the one in the front. What are you talking about? I can't see through 251 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,280 Come on, the material's too thick. 252 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:20,640 Hey, Arthur. 253 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,880 I've been thinking. We must be mad, mate. 254 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,840 We must be mad. I mean, it's easy, really. It's just like putting a line 255 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:27,719 wall, isn't it? 256 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,820 I've got just the thing for it. Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. 257 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,320 It's the spirit level here, eh? 258 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,500 Is it level? 259 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,180 How do I know? I can't even see the little bubble. 260 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,200 Oh, Mum, they're mucking about. 261 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,700 I'll never get a job. Stop it. Stop it, the pair of you. 262 00:14:02,060 --> 00:14:06,440 Never mind, love. We'll go over to Mrs. Allen's and get her dressmaker's dummy. 263 00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:09,000 We can go in the morning. Then you can do it yourself. 264 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,260 Oh, yes, that's a good idea. 265 00:14:15,719 --> 00:14:17,100 Ollie, cover it up. 266 00:14:52,810 --> 00:14:54,050 Pull up, Dougie, pull up. 267 00:14:54,550 --> 00:14:57,870 Come on, step aside, I'm coming to board. You ain't got six standing 268 00:14:57,870 --> 00:14:58,870 in there. 269 00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:06,990 Oh, that's a passenger. 270 00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:13,270 What's he said? Come up as you got on, did he? 271 00:15:13,810 --> 00:15:15,970 I shut the doors a bit too quick. 272 00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:19,390 Come on, get out of here. Get it off. 273 00:15:19,810 --> 00:15:21,150 Get it off. Come on, who's this? 274 00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:22,770 It's a... Yes, Inspector. 275 00:15:23,580 --> 00:15:26,440 I might have known it was all that. 276 00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:30,480 Now, come on, Mrs Butler, I'm not having that on there. That's occupying the 277 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,120 space of a fair -paying passenger. 278 00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:33,420 All right, I'll give it a ticket. 279 00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:35,220 Yeah, Jack, I'll pay for it. 280 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,280 Now, don't be ridiculous. That ticket's not valid. 281 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:39,319 Now, get it off. 282 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,320 Oh, all right, Mum. 283 00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:42,040 Take the coat off. All right, old love. 284 00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:43,720 This way, Jack. All right. 285 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,120 Look out. 286 00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:46,180 Give that to Olive. 287 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,240 She can put that on her lap. 288 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,240 Right, is that all right now? 289 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,220 Well, I suppose it must be all right, seeing as how you've paid a ticket for 290 00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:55,940 Oh, that reminds me. Jack, get back my fare. 291 00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:58,140 What? 292 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,920 Well, babes, you know I'm travel -free, don't I? 293 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,560 Get that cab, go on. Get that cab! Get that bus out! 294 00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:12,260 Oh, Mum, this dummy's no good. My dress won't hang right on it. I'll never get 295 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:15,680 it right like this. We love it because the dummy's too small. 296 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,000 It wants padding out a bit. 297 00:16:18,699 --> 00:16:21,220 Here, boys, go on. Give her a hand, love. 298 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,400 Look, I've got all this ironing to do. 299 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:27,140 Oh, God, I think we're a bit of a piece, honey. Can't even read a paper here. 300 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,320 All right, Ollie, take it off. Take it off, love. 301 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:33,280 Well, that's ridiculous for a start, isn't it? 302 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:34,920 Doesn't look anything like you. 303 00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:36,960 That brownie's padding out. 304 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,260 Yeah, you're right, Arthur. Yeah. Mum, kiss Anki. 305 00:16:40,540 --> 00:16:41,239 Yeah, love. 306 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,240 What are you talking about? 307 00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:43,260 Give him a tea towel. 308 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,300 Hey. 309 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:45,920 Here. 310 00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:47,060 All right, hon. 311 00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:48,180 All right. 312 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:50,580 All right, how's that then? 313 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:53,280 That's all lopsided. 314 00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:55,140 Yeah. 315 00:16:56,620 --> 00:16:58,100 Well, I'm not lopsided. 316 00:16:59,420 --> 00:17:01,200 No. Well, we ain't finished yet, have we? 317 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,580 Here's another tea towel, Mum. 318 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,000 Here you are, love. 319 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:09,440 Right, now measure that up. All right. 320 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:11,759 Hold it. 321 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:12,760 Yeah, hold it. 322 00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:15,720 Well, that's still two inches less than me. 323 00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:18,680 Yeah, well, that's because the dummy's narrower than you, isn't it? 324 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,500 You know, you're wide like that and like that. 325 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,960 I'll show you what to do. Give us another towel, Mum. Give us a towel. You 326 00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,440 all right, love. There you are. This will do. 327 00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:28,160 Now, fold it like that. 328 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,040 Stuff that down the back like that. 329 00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:33,300 Now. Right, now, measure that there at all. 330 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:36,880 There. 331 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:37,920 Yes, that's right. 332 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:40,260 There. See? Simple. Just like that, right? 333 00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,960 Wait a minute. Wait a minute, mate. What? 334 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,800 Well, that's the top half done. 335 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,140 Now you've come to the difficult bit. What's that? 336 00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:49,340 The hips, mate. They need padding out, don't they? 337 00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:53,040 How can we pad them out, stupid? There's nothing there to pad out. Look at this. 338 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,039 There you are. 339 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,340 Oh. Here, Ma. 340 00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:57,460 Have you got one of Ollie's girdles there? 341 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,760 Eh? You can put that on, mate, and then stuff stuff into there, can't you? Great 342 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,920 idea. Here, I love it. There you are. Great idea, that. Great idea. Great 343 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,019 mate. 344 00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:07,220 Don't put it on like that. 345 00:18:07,780 --> 00:18:08,780 Why not? 346 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,300 Because you don't. You put it on like this. 347 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:15,160 And you get into that? 348 00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:17,380 It must be a bit of a struggle. 349 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:19,400 Let's have a go then. 350 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,020 This is ridiculous, isn't it? 351 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:27,540 This has got three legs, she's only got two. 352 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,440 Here, show a bit of common, mate. 353 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,460 That thing comes apart, doesn't it? 354 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,080 Don't sit there on your... Just give us a hand. 355 00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:38,480 I'll show you how to do it. Murder. 356 00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:39,820 Come here, then. 357 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,920 It comes off like that, mate. Right, now shove it in there. 358 00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:44,400 Shove it in. Wait a minute. 359 00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,200 Mind that peg thing. 360 00:18:47,740 --> 00:18:49,000 Get it on the back first. 361 00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:55,360 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 362 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:03,940 How did she get this thing on? 363 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,440 Well, when she puts it on, that bit usually moves up. 364 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:13,520 What happens to it? 365 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,040 It's an honourable sight, mate. 366 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,080 It stays in the middle there and wobbles about. 367 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:24,540 Well, you're not exactly pretty when you're standing on one leg trying to get 368 00:19:24,540 --> 00:19:25,540 into your Y front. 369 00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:27,340 Ollie, that's not nice. 370 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,880 You're darn right it's not. Come on. Come on. That it. 371 00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:35,180 Look, I'll tell you... Look, I'll tell you what my half does. Push down and you 372 00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:38,220 pull up. All right, OK, right. One, two, feet down. Down, down, down. Go on, go 373 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:38,739 on, down. 374 00:19:38,740 --> 00:19:39,740 Go on. No, no. 375 00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:41,120 Stop, stop it. What's the matter? 376 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,580 and you've got to peg down me trousers. 377 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:48,920 Here. 378 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,700 You hold it. It's all right. You, you. You. 379 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,240 I'll tell you. 380 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,640 I'll put it up. Right. 381 00:19:56,980 --> 00:19:57,859 Right. Put it. 382 00:19:57,860 --> 00:19:58,579 Right now. 383 00:19:58,580 --> 00:19:59,980 Ready? One, two, three. 384 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,900 Hop. One, two, three. Put it in. 385 00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:06,160 Blimey, my chin's under there. Get it out of the way then. Wait a minute. Come 386 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,200 on. Hop. Right. 387 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,400 Hop. 388 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,680 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Put it up there. 389 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,520 I've got to get this side up. Right. 390 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:13,740 Lovely. 391 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,159 That's it. 392 00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,160 Lovely. 393 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,500 It's just charming, isn't it? 394 00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:24,060 Lovely. I've got my hand down there. 395 00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:28,180 Oh! 396 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:31,240 God. I've got a splinter in my finger now for that. 397 00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:34,100 Well, that'll teach you to be more careful where you put your hand. 398 00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,540 Right then. There it is. Right. To you, mate. 399 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,460 I'll put it in nice and neat. 400 00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:41,700 Right, there we go. 401 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:43,680 Right. 402 00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:44,999 There we are. 403 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:45,839 Wait a minute. 404 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:46,799 There we are. 405 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:47,840 Get it up. Nice. 406 00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:49,620 Wait a minute. 407 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,440 That's it. 408 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,760 There we are. 409 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,480 That looks more like Olive. 410 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,600 Measure it. Measure it. Hold it. 411 00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:00,540 Right. 412 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,480 41. Will that be all right? 413 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,140 Yeah. Yes, that looks like you. 414 00:21:10,629 --> 00:21:12,190 I said it looks like you. 415 00:21:13,770 --> 00:21:15,950 You're not exactly Tom Jones, are you? 416 00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:18,030 Oh, don't be joking, you silly thing. 417 00:21:18,230 --> 00:21:21,670 Dabby daft. Look, you fit your dress on there, darling, you'll be the belle of 418 00:21:21,670 --> 00:21:22,670 the ball. 419 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:31,710 Thank you. Thank you very much. 420 00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:33,190 Up the stairs here. 421 00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:35,570 Special ladies cloakroom on the right. 422 00:21:35,830 --> 00:21:36,830 Hello, Blakney. 423 00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:40,390 I bet she won't be leaving anything in the ladies' clag room. 424 00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:44,170 I still think we should have had the conjurer. 425 00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:46,710 Hello. Here comes Stanley's mob. 426 00:21:48,370 --> 00:21:49,710 Hi, everyone. Hi, Jack. 427 00:21:49,910 --> 00:21:50,629 Hello to me. 428 00:21:50,630 --> 00:21:51,630 How's that? 429 00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:55,810 Cool. Blimey, Olive, that's a bit of a dress you got yourself squeezed into. 430 00:21:56,210 --> 00:21:57,850 Do you like it? I made it myself. 431 00:21:58,610 --> 00:21:59,610 I'd never have guessed. 432 00:22:00,790 --> 00:22:01,790 Good evening, Mrs. Butler. 433 00:22:02,010 --> 00:22:03,350 Hello. Up the stairs here. 434 00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:05,370 Ladies' courtroom on the right. Oh, yes. 435 00:22:05,850 --> 00:22:09,250 Have you got the tickets? Yes. Oh, thanks very much. Come on, love. 436 00:22:09,910 --> 00:22:11,170 Hey, Harper, mate. 437 00:22:11,790 --> 00:22:12,830 What do you think of that, eh? 438 00:22:14,010 --> 00:22:15,270 Worth two quid of your money. 439 00:22:15,950 --> 00:22:17,030 Very nice, I must say. 440 00:22:17,490 --> 00:22:18,490 I'll tell you something else. 441 00:22:19,110 --> 00:22:20,630 We've got a table right in the front. 442 00:22:20,890 --> 00:22:21,709 Yes, Sam. 443 00:22:21,710 --> 00:22:24,470 I'll tell you something you don't know. What's that? Look, when she takes off 444 00:22:24,470 --> 00:22:27,990 the last bit, she chucks it to the lad in the audience, see? Now, the bloke who 445 00:22:27,990 --> 00:22:30,330 gets it can go round the back afterwards and give it back to her. 446 00:22:31,710 --> 00:22:32,710 Isn't that right? 447 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:34,880 That's a bit saucy, I must say. 448 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:36,740 Harper, come along. 449 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:39,640 If you'll excuse me. 450 00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:40,820 Yeah. 451 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,500 Poor old Harper. 452 00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:45,820 Oh, never mind. 453 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,440 Well, Blaggy, you've got to admit, she's a bit of all right, ain't she, eh? 454 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:50,760 Disgusting. 455 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,080 Well, I certainly shan't state to watch her performance, I tell you. 456 00:22:54,660 --> 00:22:57,900 That photo's obscene. I'd stick two labels across to her. 457 00:22:58,500 --> 00:22:59,500 Yeah, well... 458 00:22:59,860 --> 00:23:03,220 Everyone's seen them now, so we might as well take them off. You leave them 459 00:23:03,220 --> 00:23:04,220 alone. 460 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:11,180 Oh, my God! 461 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:14,400 Blimey, it wasn't as bad as all that. 462 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,380 Oh, take me home. 463 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:17,820 Oh, my God, what's happened? 464 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,100 Oh, it was that terrible stripper girl. 465 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:25,220 Didn't you see it? No, I left the room as soon as she started her... She didn't 466 00:23:25,220 --> 00:23:26,280 attack your daughter, did she? 467 00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:28,360 No, no, it wasn't Sandra, it was the lads. 468 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,740 Eh? Well, you see what happened, Blake. You see, when she took the panties off 469 00:23:32,740 --> 00:23:34,920 and chucked them up in the air, they landed in Olive's lap. 470 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,340 Oh, it was terrible. 471 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,640 All those men came rushing at me. 472 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,280 Yes. Well, I did warn you about those hooligans, didn't I? 473 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,200 I mean, the table was upset. 474 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,900 Drinks spilled all over my wife's rather expensive dress. Oh, yes. 475 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,840 Oh, it was ten of the boys went mad grabbing that woman's panties. Yeah. And 476 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,180 they nearly grabbed Olive's up and all. 477 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,040 I'll take you home now, sunshine. 478 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,840 Come on, mother -in -law. I did warn you. I did warn you. 479 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:08,000 What a terrible thing to happen to her. 480 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,020 Terrible? Of course. I mean, she's had her money's worth. I bet she never gets 481 00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:13,500 40 blokes grabbing her again. 482 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,560 Oh, well, come on. I've got to go back inside now. 483 00:24:18,020 --> 00:24:20,840 You're not going back in there after what's happened to your own sister, are 484 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,480 you? Well, you see what happened, Blakey? When they was fighting over 485 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,820 got the lucky drawers, you see. 486 00:24:32,460 --> 00:24:33,460 Stuff does fit in.