1 00:00:02,140 --> 00:00:04,840 [gentle music] 2 00:00:04,917 --> 00:00:09,400 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 3 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:28,295 Hey, they're ready for you Max. 4 00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:29,500 Oh, good. 5 00:00:29,535 --> 00:00:31,465 - It is black. Extra strong. - Thank you. 6 00:00:31,501 --> 00:00:33,770 Okay. We're on our way. 7 00:00:45,748 --> 00:00:47,185 Okay, one minute till we shoot. 8 00:00:47,220 --> 00:00:48,917 Thank you guys. Let's be ready. 9 00:00:51,024 --> 00:00:51,887 There we go. 10 00:00:55,395 --> 00:00:57,629 - Final check- - Is this my chair? 11 00:00:58,497 --> 00:01:00,734 Let's have a red light bell, please. 12 00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:01,395 [bell ringing] 13 00:01:01,431 --> 00:01:03,100 Where's my phone? 14 00:01:03,168 --> 00:01:04,735 Who has my phone? 15 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,473 Sound. 16 00:01:08,072 --> 00:01:08,970 Camera. 17 00:01:10,342 --> 00:01:11,107 All right. How's my hair? 18 00:01:11,176 --> 00:01:12,245 How's my hair? 19 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,177 It's looking good. Looking good. 20 00:01:13,213 --> 00:01:14,980 Nice and quiet, please. 21 00:01:15,048 --> 00:01:15,977 Ready for a take. 22 00:01:19,581 --> 00:01:20,620 Cameras are rolling. 23 00:01:20,656 --> 00:01:21,554 Set. 24 00:01:22,321 --> 00:01:23,988 - One take one. - Mark it. 25 00:01:24,057 --> 00:01:26,220 [slate clacks] 26 00:01:26,255 --> 00:01:27,120 Quiet. 27 00:01:28,930 --> 00:01:30,123 Stand by and... 28 00:01:32,668 --> 00:01:33,566 Action. 29 00:01:34,468 --> 00:01:38,236 When I was an atheist, if you had asked me, 30 00:01:38,271 --> 00:01:40,134 why do you not believe in God? 31 00:01:41,104 --> 00:01:45,608 I would've answered, look at the universe we live in. 32 00:01:45,643 --> 00:01:48,948 Mostly empty space, completely dark. 33 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,416 Unimaginably cold. 34 00:01:51,451 --> 00:01:53,013 Most scientists think it improbable 35 00:01:53,049 --> 00:01:56,282 that any planet in our solar system sustains life 36 00:01:56,351 --> 00:02:01,226 and Earth herself existed without life for millions of years 37 00:02:01,261 --> 00:02:02,822 and may exist millions more 38 00:02:02,891 --> 00:02:06,229 after life has once again left her. 39 00:02:06,264 --> 00:02:08,767 And what is life? 40 00:02:08,802 --> 00:02:13,167 So arranged that creatures live only by preying on another. 41 00:02:13,903 --> 00:02:16,906 In the lower forms, this means only death. 42 00:02:16,941 --> 00:02:19,576 In the higher forms something called consciousness 43 00:02:19,611 --> 00:02:23,578 enables the living to experience pain. 44 00:02:23,613 --> 00:02:25,517 Creatures are born in pain, 45 00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:30,616 live by inflicting pain and mostly die in pain. 46 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,688 In the most complex of all creatures, man, 47 00:02:34,723 --> 00:02:37,496 another quality appears, reason. 48 00:02:37,531 --> 00:02:41,568 And by reason we can foresee our own pain. 49 00:02:42,433 --> 00:02:43,867 This we call suffering. 50 00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:46,603 We can foresee our own death 51 00:02:46,638 --> 00:02:49,174 while keenly desiring to go on living. 52 00:02:49,843 --> 00:02:54,347 Reason enables humans to invent hundreds of ingenious ways 53 00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:56,548 of inflicting a great deal more pain 54 00:02:56,584 --> 00:03:00,112 than we could have done as irrational creatures. 55 00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:03,150 This power we have exploited to the full. 56 00:03:03,185 --> 00:03:07,690 History's our record of crime, war, disease, terror, 57 00:03:07,725 --> 00:03:09,624 with just enough happiness to give us 58 00:03:09,659 --> 00:03:12,225 an agonized fear of losing it. 59 00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:16,367 And when lost, the poignant misery 60 00:03:16,402 --> 00:03:19,232 of remembering how good it felt. 61 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:26,410 Every now and then our condition is improved 62 00:03:26,445 --> 00:03:29,248 by what we call civilization. 63 00:03:29,283 --> 00:03:32,048 But all civilizations pass away. 64 00:03:32,084 --> 00:03:36,015 That our own civilization will pass away is surely probable, 65 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:38,590 and even if it should not pass away, 66 00:03:38,658 --> 00:03:41,694 we're all doomed, the universe is doomed. 67 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,596 The astronomers hold out no hope 68 00:03:44,664 --> 00:03:47,127 that this planet is permanently inhabitable. 69 00:03:47,163 --> 00:03:49,831 The physicists hold out no hope that organic life 70 00:03:49,867 --> 00:03:52,138 is a permanent possibility in any part 71 00:03:52,174 --> 00:03:53,539 of the material universe. 72 00:03:53,574 --> 00:03:56,574 Not only this earth, but the whole show. 73 00:03:56,609 --> 00:03:59,409 All the suns of space are to run down. 74 00:03:59,445 --> 00:04:02,880 Nature is a sinking ship. 75 00:04:04,346 --> 00:04:08,247 So if you asked me to believe all this I've just described 76 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:11,158 as the work of an omnipotent, benevolent God, 77 00:04:11,226 --> 00:04:12,756 I would have laughed and said 78 00:04:12,792 --> 00:04:15,055 the evidence points in the opposite direction. 79 00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:17,364 Either there's no God behind the universe, 80 00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:20,166 a God indifferent to good and evil, 81 00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:22,735 or worse, an evil God, 82 00:04:23,801 --> 00:04:25,330 Never dreamed of raising the question 83 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,805 if the universe is so bad, or even half so bad, 84 00:04:28,874 --> 00:04:30,807 how on Earth did humans ever come to attribute 85 00:04:30,842 --> 00:04:34,179 it to the work of a wise and good creator? 86 00:04:34,247 --> 00:04:35,644 Oh men are fools! 87 00:04:35,679 --> 00:04:37,109 But not so foolish as that, 88 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,387 to direct inference from black to white, 89 00:04:40,422 --> 00:04:42,753 from evil flower to virtuous root, 90 00:04:42,789 --> 00:04:47,290 from senseless work to a workman infinitely wise. 91 00:04:47,326 --> 00:04:48,959 Staggers belief. 92 00:04:50,696 --> 00:04:54,060 No, I did not believe God existed. 93 00:04:54,095 --> 00:04:56,295 I was angry at God for not existing. 94 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,966 Why should creatures have the burden of existence 95 00:04:59,001 --> 00:05:01,305 forced upon them without their consent? 96 00:05:01,341 --> 00:05:04,645 [soft pensive music] 97 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:22,793 I lost my mother to cancer. 98 00:05:22,828 --> 00:05:25,363 Had an estranged relationship with my father 99 00:05:25,398 --> 00:05:27,229 that I regret even now. 100 00:05:27,965 --> 00:05:29,964 Was in the trenches during the Great War, 101 00:05:29,999 --> 00:05:32,965 the hell where youth and laughter go 102 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,168 only to see horribly smashed men 103 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:39,945 still moving about like crushed beetles. 104 00:05:39,980 --> 00:05:42,710 A mortar shell that wounded me, killed the man next to me, 105 00:05:42,745 --> 00:05:43,979 splattering shrapnel, 106 00:05:44,014 --> 00:05:47,383 some of which I carry my body to this day. 107 00:05:47,418 --> 00:05:49,683 [car hoots] 108 00:05:49,719 --> 00:05:53,023 [bicycle bell rings] 109 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:58,162 [church bell tolls] 110 00:05:58,965 --> 00:06:02,868 When I returned to Oxford after the war in 1919, 111 00:06:02,903 --> 00:06:06,737 I read the minutes to my college's last meeting in 1914, 112 00:06:06,805 --> 00:06:09,739 nothing made me realize more thoroughly 113 00:06:09,808 --> 00:06:12,305 the absolute waste of those years. 114 00:06:12,341 --> 00:06:15,710 I was asked "Were you much frightened in France?" 115 00:06:15,745 --> 00:06:17,417 "All the time," I said, 116 00:06:17,486 --> 00:06:20,215 "but I never sank so low as to pray." 117 00:06:21,657 --> 00:06:23,383 Some people have got the impression from my books 118 00:06:23,418 --> 00:06:26,818 that I was raised in a strict and vivid puritanism. 119 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,058 This is untrue. 120 00:06:30,494 --> 00:06:31,296 Mr. Lewis. 121 00:06:31,365 --> 00:06:33,265 Roger, usual please. 122 00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:36,201 You? Make that two. 123 00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:36,896 I'll get these. 124 00:06:36,932 --> 00:06:38,503 Edel will find us a table. 125 00:06:38,538 --> 00:06:40,235 [Edel] You can have this one. 126 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,369 There you go. All done. 127 00:06:44,176 --> 00:06:47,814 No, religious experience did not occur in my family. 128 00:06:50,016 --> 00:06:53,012 Was taught the usual things, made to say my prayers, 129 00:06:53,047 --> 00:06:54,987 in due time taken to church. 130 00:06:55,789 --> 00:06:58,121 Can't remember feeling much interest in it. 131 00:06:59,060 --> 00:06:59,958 Cheers! 132 00:07:03,995 --> 00:07:06,897 Father was a solicitor in Belfast, Ireland. 133 00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:11,096 He was Welsh by blood, passionate, rhetorical, 134 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,334 laughed and cried a great deal. 135 00:07:14,136 --> 00:07:16,172 Had almost no talent for happiness. 136 00:07:17,005 --> 00:07:18,642 Mother was of a cooler race. 137 00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:20,947 She was tranquil, affectionate. 138 00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:25,417 She had a talent for happiness. Went straight for it. 139 00:07:25,453 --> 00:07:27,113 As an experienced traveler 140 00:07:27,149 --> 00:07:29,119 goes for the best seat on a train. 141 00:07:30,489 --> 00:07:33,288 [pensive music] 142 00:07:34,729 --> 00:07:37,725 I lived in a large house that to a small boy 143 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,360 seemed like a city. 144 00:07:45,772 --> 00:07:48,434 I am a product of long corridors, 145 00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:53,674 empty sunlit rooms, attics explored in solitude, 146 00:07:54,310 --> 00:07:58,749 distant noises of gurgling cisterns and pipes. 147 00:07:58,785 --> 00:08:02,222 The noise of wind under the tiles 148 00:08:02,290 --> 00:08:04,187 and endless books. 149 00:08:07,088 --> 00:08:10,391 Books readable and unreadable, 150 00:08:10,427 --> 00:08:15,869 books suitable for a child and books emphatically not. 151 00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,770 Nothing was forbidden. 152 00:08:18,805 --> 00:08:23,040 In the seemingly endless rainy afternoons 153 00:08:23,109 --> 00:08:26,913 I almost literally read my way through the house. 154 00:08:31,482 --> 00:08:32,210 Jack. 155 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,217 You'll never guess what I found! 156 00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:35,981 Quick! 157 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,187 Hey wait for me! 158 00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:39,192 Hey wait! 159 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,190 Catch up. 160 00:08:41,193 --> 00:08:43,930 Hey Jack, now stop! Don't disturb your father! 161 00:08:44,627 --> 00:08:45,525 Boys! 162 00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:48,165 Boys! 163 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:52,939 Boys. 164 00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:03,279 Happy days. 165 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,218 My brother Warnie and I enjoyed them to the full. 166 00:09:11,419 --> 00:09:14,356 Until the great loss that befell our family. 167 00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:17,159 [somber music] 168 00:09:17,195 --> 00:09:20,764 One night, my father in tears came into my room 169 00:09:20,799 --> 00:09:23,899 to convey to my terrified mind 170 00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:26,302 things I'd never conceived of. 171 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,005 My mother had cancer. 172 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,271 [Father] The doctor said, we can't- 173 00:09:30,307 --> 00:09:31,569 - [C.S. Lewis] I don't think children suffer 174 00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,942 less than their elders, they suffer differently. 175 00:09:34,978 --> 00:09:36,477 So we have to be strong. 176 00:09:37,513 --> 00:09:40,247 [C.S. Lewis] And as our whole existence changed 177 00:09:40,282 --> 00:09:43,690 into something alien and menacing. 178 00:09:43,725 --> 00:09:45,486 Your mother loves you very much. 179 00:09:45,521 --> 00:09:49,127 [C.S. Lewis] The house became full of strange smells, 180 00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:54,396 midnight noises and sinister whispered conversations. 181 00:09:59,374 --> 00:10:01,907 [Mother coughing] 182 00:10:01,943 --> 00:10:03,138 [Nurse] We need some fresh bandages quickly. 183 00:10:03,207 --> 00:10:04,604 [C.S. Lewis] My brother Warnie and I 184 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,307 lost our mother gradually as she was slowly withdrawn 185 00:10:07,375 --> 00:10:10,647 from our life into the hands of nurses, 186 00:10:10,716 --> 00:10:13,316 delirium and morphea. 187 00:10:16,954 --> 00:10:18,087 Oh Doctor. Thank goodness. 188 00:10:18,156 --> 00:10:20,554 The disease followed the usual course, 189 00:10:20,589 --> 00:10:23,323 an operation, they operated in the patient's house 190 00:10:23,391 --> 00:10:26,933 in those days, an apparent recovery, 191 00:10:26,969 --> 00:10:32,038 the return at the disease, increasing pain, death. 192 00:10:34,607 --> 00:10:35,533 [door closing] 193 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:39,073 When mother died, all settled happiness 194 00:10:39,108 --> 00:10:42,015 disappeared from our lives. 195 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:45,150 A great continent had sunk. 196 00:10:46,214 --> 00:10:49,082 It was only sea and islands now. 197 00:10:49,117 --> 00:10:52,685 [somber music continues] 198 00:11:03,636 --> 00:11:06,468 [father sobbing] 199 00:11:11,206 --> 00:11:13,013 My father never recovered. 200 00:11:15,347 --> 00:11:19,250 Under the pressure he spoke wildly, acted unjustly, 201 00:11:20,284 --> 00:11:22,818 as this unfortunate man was losing his sons 202 00:11:22,854 --> 00:11:24,156 as well as his wife. 203 00:11:25,556 --> 00:11:28,721 My brother Warnie and I had already begun to lie to him. 204 00:11:29,796 --> 00:11:31,193 We were two frightened urchins, 205 00:11:31,228 --> 00:11:33,594 huddled for warmth in a bleak world. 206 00:11:36,699 --> 00:11:40,167 Mother's death occasioned, what some might say at the time, 207 00:11:40,202 --> 00:11:43,305 my first religious experience. 208 00:11:43,341 --> 00:11:45,745 When my mother's case was pronounced hopeless 209 00:11:45,814 --> 00:11:47,672 I remembered what I had been taught, 210 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:51,512 that prayers offered in faith would be granted. 211 00:11:51,547 --> 00:11:55,688 Accordingly, I set myself to produce in prayer 212 00:11:55,723 --> 00:11:58,251 a firm belief for her recovery. 213 00:11:58,286 --> 00:12:00,556 When she died, I shifted ground. 214 00:12:00,624 --> 00:12:06,066 I worked myself into belief that there was to be a miracle. 215 00:12:07,096 --> 00:12:09,331 Oh, I approached God. 216 00:12:09,366 --> 00:12:12,631 Not as savior or as judge, but as magician. 217 00:12:12,667 --> 00:12:16,702 I simply wanted him to restore the status quo. 218 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:20,206 And when he had done what was required of him, 219 00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:23,215 he would simply go away. 220 00:12:26,215 --> 00:12:28,117 The prayer hadn't worked. 221 00:12:28,186 --> 00:12:30,722 Oh, I was used to things not working, 222 00:12:30,758 --> 00:12:32,158 thought no more about it. 223 00:12:34,793 --> 00:12:37,559 [pensive music] 224 00:12:41,529 --> 00:12:44,036 Mother's death among other things, 225 00:12:44,071 --> 00:12:48,433 produced in me a deeply ingrained pessimism. 226 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,574 Oh, I was by no means unhappy, 227 00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:55,047 but I had definitely formed the opinion that the universe 228 00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:59,185 in the main was a rather regrettable institution. 229 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:12,331 Father's melancholy was a contributing factor. 230 00:13:12,366 --> 00:13:16,266 A prosperous man who by our present tax-ridden standards 231 00:13:16,301 --> 00:13:18,932 would be described as incredibly secure. 232 00:13:19,702 --> 00:13:25,145 Expressed adult life as one unremitting struggle. 233 00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:31,849 Best one could hope for, according to him, 234 00:13:31,918 --> 00:13:35,348 was to avoid the workhouse. 235 00:13:35,416 --> 00:13:38,224 This only by extreme exertion. 236 00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:42,354 Never thought to check his highly colored comments 237 00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,656 against the obvious fact 238 00:13:43,724 --> 00:13:47,025 that we were living very uncomfortable lives. 239 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,537 Temperamental widower still grieving the loss of his wife 240 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:55,537 must be very wise to raise two noisy school boys 241 00:13:55,606 --> 00:13:58,739 who reserve their confidence only for each other. 242 00:14:00,180 --> 00:14:04,415 The same scene, reenacted time after time. 243 00:14:08,621 --> 00:14:09,520 Well? 244 00:14:10,489 --> 00:14:12,784 [C.S. Lewis] When he opened his mouth to reprove us 245 00:14:12,820 --> 00:14:16,860 he no doubt intended a short well-chosen appeal 246 00:14:16,896 --> 00:14:18,691 to our common sense. 247 00:14:18,759 --> 00:14:21,232 Have you nothing to say in your defense? 248 00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:24,464 But alas, he had been a public prosecutor, 249 00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,833 long before he had become a father. 250 00:14:26,868 --> 00:14:32,071 Words came to him and intoxicated him as they came. 251 00:14:32,473 --> 00:14:35,642 Never in all my born days 252 00:14:35,678 --> 00:14:39,912 have I come across such recalcitrant behavior. 253 00:14:42,085 --> 00:14:44,422 Disobedience. 254 00:14:45,686 --> 00:14:49,725 Deliberate disobedience and willfulness, 255 00:14:49,794 --> 00:14:54,564 such as would dismay the very founders of our civilization. 256 00:14:56,338 --> 00:14:58,834 What happened was a small boy who left the bathroom 257 00:14:58,869 --> 00:15:04,103 in a pickle, found himself attacked like Cicero on Catiline. 258 00:15:04,939 --> 00:15:09,181 Simile on simile, rhetorical question on rhetorical 259 00:15:09,216 --> 00:15:11,543 question, the flash of an orator's eye, 260 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:15,013 the gestures, the cadences... 261 00:15:16,052 --> 00:15:17,653 The pauses. 262 00:15:19,489 --> 00:15:21,725 The pauses were the chief danger. 263 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,227 Well? 264 00:15:25,262 --> 00:15:27,631 [C.S. Lewis] One was so long 265 00:15:27,699 --> 00:15:31,567 that my brother, assuming the denunciation to have ended, 266 00:15:31,602 --> 00:15:34,767 humbly picked up his book and resumed reading, 267 00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:37,937 a gesture which my father, who had only made 268 00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:41,680 a rhetorical miscalculation of about a second and a half 269 00:15:41,716 --> 00:15:42,981 described as- 270 00:15:43,049 --> 00:15:46,452 - Cool, premeditated, insolent! 271 00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:49,781 The disproportion between the tirades 272 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:53,123 and what prompted them was ludicrous. 273 00:15:53,158 --> 00:15:54,993 From the wilderness of words, 274 00:15:55,061 --> 00:15:58,064 emerged ideas I took literally. 275 00:15:58,099 --> 00:16:00,696 Perhaps I should board up the house. 276 00:16:03,104 --> 00:16:06,267 Keep you both in school all year round. 277 00:16:06,302 --> 00:16:07,436 And that we should be- 278 00:16:07,471 --> 00:16:12,510 - Sent to the colonies to end in misery 279 00:16:12,612 --> 00:16:17,779 the career of crime on which you have both already embarked. 280 00:16:23,258 --> 00:16:26,458 Such was the effect of my father's rhetoric, 281 00:16:27,493 --> 00:16:31,027 until I began to perceive him as ridiculous. 282 00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:34,026 [kettle whistling] 283 00:16:35,532 --> 00:16:38,404 At 14, I ceased to be a Christian. 284 00:16:39,138 --> 00:16:41,341 At that age one barely notices. 285 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:45,808 At school, all the teachers and book editors 286 00:16:45,843 --> 00:16:49,447 took it for granted that religion was some sort of endemic 287 00:16:49,483 --> 00:16:52,779 nonsense into which humanity tended to blunder. 288 00:16:52,815 --> 00:16:57,288 In the midst of a thousand false religions, 289 00:16:57,324 --> 00:17:00,354 stood our own, the thousand and first, 290 00:17:00,389 --> 00:17:03,363 labeled completely true. 291 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:10,466 On what grounds I asked, why was it treated so differently? 292 00:17:10,735 --> 00:17:14,235 I was eager not to, if Adonis could be explained away, 293 00:17:14,271 --> 00:17:16,241 then why not Christ? 294 00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:19,805 So little by little, I became an apostate 295 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,015 dropping my faith with no sense of loss 296 00:17:23,050 --> 00:17:24,714 and with the greatest relief. 297 00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:27,953 Oh, there was no faith, hope or charity in my religion. 298 00:17:28,022 --> 00:17:29,884 I feared not God, but hell, 299 00:17:29,953 --> 00:17:33,853 and heaven was only the lesser of two intolerable evils. 300 00:17:33,888 --> 00:17:36,688 Oh, I became a vigorous debunker and argued 301 00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:39,265 there's no proof for any religion 302 00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:42,433 and that Christianity is not even the best. 303 00:17:42,468 --> 00:17:45,197 Religion was invented to explain things 304 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:50,438 that terrified primitive man, thunder, pestilence, snakes. 305 00:17:50,674 --> 00:17:52,171 What could be more natural than to suppose 306 00:17:52,206 --> 00:17:55,776 they were animated by spirits and that by singing songs 307 00:17:55,845 --> 00:17:58,881 and making sacrifices, one might appease them. 308 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:02,914 Great men such as Hercules and Odin were thought to be gods. 309 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,717 After their death, hence after the death 310 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,920 of a Hebrew philosopher, Yeshua, 311 00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:10,989 whose name we have corrupted into Jesus, 312 00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:13,792 a cult sprang up and Christianity began, 313 00:18:13,861 --> 00:18:16,798 just another mythology among many. 314 00:18:16,867 --> 00:18:21,901 Oh the superstitions always held by common people, 315 00:18:22,037 --> 00:18:25,707 but educated thinking was always stood outside it, 316 00:18:25,742 --> 00:18:30,713 conceding to it only out of convenience. 317 00:18:30,749 --> 00:18:33,150 And I was not prepared to believe in a bogey man 318 00:18:33,219 --> 00:18:35,114 who would torture me forever 319 00:18:35,183 --> 00:18:40,625 because I failed to live up to an impossible standard. 320 00:18:41,094 --> 00:18:44,464 [school bell ringing] 321 00:18:48,298 --> 00:18:50,668 [door closing] 322 00:18:50,736 --> 00:18:53,935 With my deliberate withdrawal from divine protection, 323 00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:58,508 I underwent a successful assault of sexual temptation. 324 00:18:58,543 --> 00:19:00,841 Part of it was the age I had reached. 325 00:19:00,909 --> 00:19:03,844 The electric effect was a dancing mistress. 326 00:19:03,879 --> 00:19:07,780 She was the first woman to speak to my blood 327 00:19:07,816 --> 00:19:10,957 whom I looked upon to lust after. 328 00:19:10,992 --> 00:19:12,586 Good morning, boys. 329 00:19:12,621 --> 00:19:14,523 [Boys] Good morning Miss. 330 00:19:14,592 --> 00:19:16,523 This was of no fault of her own. 331 00:19:16,558 --> 00:19:18,364 A gesture, tone of voice 332 00:19:18,433 --> 00:19:21,832 has unpredictable results in these matters. 333 00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:25,532 As it happened, the school room was decorated for dance. 334 00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:28,307 She came in and said. 335 00:19:28,343 --> 00:19:32,538 [sighs] I love the smell of bunting. 336 00:19:32,574 --> 00:19:33,744 And I was undone. 337 00:19:35,445 --> 00:19:36,681 Now, let us begin. 338 00:19:38,118 --> 00:19:39,915 Follow my every move. 339 00:19:40,581 --> 00:19:41,987 Thank you Elsie. 340 00:19:42,023 --> 00:19:43,920 [gentle piano music] 341 00:19:43,956 --> 00:19:44,854 Up. 342 00:19:46,124 --> 00:19:47,021 And down. 343 00:19:48,961 --> 00:19:49,859 And up. 344 00:19:52,593 --> 00:19:54,230 And dainty toes. 345 00:19:54,299 --> 00:19:55,494 Dainty toes, very good. 346 00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,166 Dainty toes. 347 00:19:57,202 --> 00:19:58,736 And around sway. 348 00:20:00,038 --> 00:20:00,936 Sway. 349 00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:06,742 This was not a knight devoting himself to a lady, 350 00:20:06,811 --> 00:20:09,476 more like a Turk looking at a Circassian woman 351 00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,115 he could not afford. 352 00:20:11,184 --> 00:20:13,113 I knew what I wanted. 353 00:20:18,854 --> 00:20:20,956 You might think this produced guilt. 354 00:20:21,855 --> 00:20:25,857 Guilt was not a thing I knew. 355 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,601 Well done boys. Well done. 356 00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,937 I had been a tender-hearted boy, 357 00:20:35,006 --> 00:20:40,212 but now I labored hard to become a fop, a cad, a snob. 358 00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:43,743 I was at that time as non-moral 359 00:20:43,778 --> 00:20:46,952 as a human creature could be. 360 00:20:46,987 --> 00:20:47,950 Oh Lewis. 361 00:20:49,883 --> 00:20:52,086 Do enjoy the holidays won't you? 362 00:20:54,390 --> 00:20:55,287 Yes, miss. 363 00:20:59,266 --> 00:21:00,433 [men speaking indistinctly] 364 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,632 Oh, there you are. Where have you been? 365 00:21:03,701 --> 00:21:05,304 - Sorry Father. - Come on, come on. 366 00:21:05,373 --> 00:21:08,172 It won't wait you know. Thank you. 367 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,010 [expectant music] 368 00:21:11,078 --> 00:21:13,941 [train whistling] 369 00:21:13,976 --> 00:21:15,476 [C.S. Lewis] I could not tell my father 370 00:21:15,512 --> 00:21:16,911 my change of belief. 371 00:21:16,947 --> 00:21:20,244 He was no fool. He even had a streak of genius. 372 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,916 But for a man who was formidable in court 373 00:21:22,951 --> 00:21:26,217 and I presume efficient in his office, 374 00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:29,822 he had more power for confusing an issue 375 00:21:29,857 --> 00:21:32,962 than any man I have ever known. 376 00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:45,640 Oh, the first barrier to communication 377 00:21:45,675 --> 00:21:48,578 was having asked the question, 378 00:21:48,614 --> 00:21:50,677 he would not stay for the answer. 379 00:21:51,346 --> 00:21:56,517 Tell him that a boy called Churchwood had caught a mouse 380 00:21:56,586 --> 00:21:59,057 and kept it as a pet. 381 00:21:59,126 --> 00:22:00,459 He would ask- 382 00:22:00,494 --> 00:22:02,788 - Whatever became of young Chickweed 383 00:22:02,824 --> 00:22:04,796 who was so afraid of rats? 384 00:22:05,461 --> 00:22:06,358 Who sir? 385 00:22:07,364 --> 00:22:08,360 Chickweed. 386 00:22:10,702 --> 00:22:13,766 Oh, I think you mean Churchwood. 387 00:22:13,802 --> 00:22:16,236 It was a mouse, not a rat. 388 00:22:16,972 --> 00:22:18,975 And he wasn't afraid of it, at all. 389 00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:25,651 Attempts to correct his version produced an incredulous. 390 00:22:25,687 --> 00:22:30,556 That's not the story you used to tell, my boy. 391 00:22:30,591 --> 00:22:33,451 All this explains, though does not excuse, 392 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:37,730 one of the worst acts of my life. 393 00:22:40,195 --> 00:22:43,261 I allowed myself to prepare for confirmation. 394 00:22:43,296 --> 00:22:47,403 To be confirmed, make my first communion, 395 00:22:47,472 --> 00:22:51,536 all in total disbelief, 396 00:22:51,571 --> 00:22:57,013 acting a part, eating and drinking my own condemnation. 397 00:22:57,813 --> 00:23:00,047 I knew I was acting a lie. 398 00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:04,719 I simply could not tell my father my real views. 399 00:23:04,754 --> 00:23:06,517 Not that he would have stopped. 400 00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:09,694 Let's talk the whole thing over, he would have said. 401 00:23:09,729 --> 00:23:12,295 But the thread would have been lost at once. 402 00:23:12,364 --> 00:23:14,366 His arguments. 403 00:23:14,401 --> 00:23:16,227 I would not have valued a straw, 404 00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:19,600 the beauty of the authorized version, 405 00:23:19,669 --> 00:23:22,307 the Christian tradition. 406 00:23:22,343 --> 00:23:24,610 Oh, it was all sentiment. 407 00:23:24,679 --> 00:23:29,709 And if I tried to make by exact points clear, 408 00:23:30,111 --> 00:23:32,583 there would have been thunder from him 409 00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,851 and a thin peevish rattle from me, 410 00:23:34,887 --> 00:23:38,318 Nor could the subject ever have been dropped. 411 00:23:40,427 --> 00:23:43,763 All this I ought to have dared 412 00:23:44,662 --> 00:23:47,928 rather than the thing I did. 413 00:23:47,964 --> 00:23:51,133 It seemed impossible at the time, 414 00:23:51,801 --> 00:23:55,902 cowardice drove me to hypocrisy 415 00:23:55,937 --> 00:23:59,306 and hypocrisy to blasphemy. 416 00:24:00,006 --> 00:24:03,310 [anticipatory music] 417 00:24:05,513 --> 00:24:10,148 The years passed, then the most fortunate thing happened. 418 00:24:10,217 --> 00:24:12,151 A bit more to the right, please. 419 00:24:12,186 --> 00:24:13,988 [C.S. Lewis] My father had declared 420 00:24:14,057 --> 00:24:16,494 that he would send my brother to a tutor 421 00:24:16,529 --> 00:24:18,594 in Surrey, south of London. 422 00:24:18,629 --> 00:24:19,830 That's it. Thank you. 423 00:24:19,865 --> 00:24:21,593 [C.S. Lewis] In a surprisingly short time, 424 00:24:21,628 --> 00:24:26,471 this tutor had so rebuilt the ruins of Warnie's education, 425 00:24:26,506 --> 00:24:28,233 that he passed into Sandhurst 426 00:24:28,268 --> 00:24:31,206 and received a prize army cadetship. 427 00:24:32,572 --> 00:24:36,374 For some time, my own schooling had been going nowhere. 428 00:24:36,410 --> 00:24:40,518 It had neither engaged my mind nor my heart, 429 00:24:40,586 --> 00:24:42,852 but seeing my brothers progress, 430 00:24:42,921 --> 00:24:45,490 I finally plucked up the courage to ask. 431 00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:47,992 Jack! Jack! Are you up there? 432 00:24:53,192 --> 00:24:56,127 Come on boy. Well get your coat. 433 00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:58,002 We're 10 minutes late already. 434 00:25:04,144 --> 00:25:08,547 [Jack] Papa, you know, when you send Warnie off to Surrey 435 00:25:08,583 --> 00:25:10,646 to your old tutor Mr. Kirkpatrick. 436 00:25:10,682 --> 00:25:12,310 [Father] [chuckles] Yes. 437 00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:14,216 The Great Knock we used to call him. 438 00:25:14,251 --> 00:25:16,948 [Jack] Warnie seemed to benefit from him greatly. 439 00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:17,885 [Father] He did. 440 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,386 He did. He's a fine teacher. 441 00:25:23,562 --> 00:25:24,622 I've been thinking. 442 00:25:26,526 --> 00:25:29,869 Might it not be good to send me to Surrey too? 443 00:25:37,106 --> 00:25:39,076 Well, there'll be no other boys. 444 00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:42,340 You won't be able to play your games. 445 00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:46,813 I tried to look grave, no other boys. 446 00:25:46,849 --> 00:25:48,888 Never to play games. 447 00:25:49,818 --> 00:25:52,089 I was transported. 448 00:25:54,526 --> 00:25:57,424 [expectant music] 449 00:26:03,832 --> 00:26:06,598 [train chuffing] 450 00:26:10,609 --> 00:26:11,942 Ah yes, this is the day 451 00:26:12,010 --> 00:26:14,609 the rest of my life really began to happen. 452 00:26:14,678 --> 00:26:17,543 [train whistles] 453 00:26:21,451 --> 00:26:24,954 I was still in my teens when I made my way over to England 454 00:26:25,023 --> 00:26:28,158 and down to Surrey to meet my new tutor. 455 00:26:28,826 --> 00:26:30,789 I wasn't sure what to expect. 456 00:26:31,391 --> 00:26:34,329 At first sight he seemed decent enough. 457 00:26:38,572 --> 00:26:40,201 Hello, lovely to meet you. 458 00:26:40,236 --> 00:26:44,438 William T. Kirkpatrick. The Great Knock. 459 00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:49,314 His grip was like iron pincers. 460 00:26:49,349 --> 00:26:50,345 Follow me! 461 00:26:54,384 --> 00:26:56,982 I remember feeling the need to make conversation 462 00:26:57,051 --> 00:26:58,185 in the deplorable manner 463 00:26:58,254 --> 00:27:00,424 I felt necessary to use with my father. 464 00:27:01,227 --> 00:27:03,993 I was quite surprised by the scenery of Surrey, sir. 465 00:27:04,028 --> 00:27:05,456 It's really much wilder than I expected. 466 00:27:05,525 --> 00:27:08,367 Stop! What do you mean by wildness? 467 00:27:09,036 --> 00:27:12,000 And on what grounds have you based your expectations? 468 00:27:12,036 --> 00:27:15,640 On the flora and geology of Surrey? 469 00:27:15,675 --> 00:27:19,377 Was it maps, photographs, books? 470 00:27:19,413 --> 00:27:20,472 Sorry, sir. 471 00:27:20,507 --> 00:27:23,442 As answer after answer was torn to shreds 472 00:27:23,478 --> 00:27:26,849 Kirk concluded that my comment was meaningless 473 00:27:26,917 --> 00:27:28,248 and that I had no right to have 474 00:27:28,283 --> 00:27:31,318 any opinion whatsoever on the subject. 475 00:27:31,353 --> 00:27:32,954 It never occurred to me that my thoughts 476 00:27:32,989 --> 00:27:35,060 needed to be based on anything. 477 00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:41,031 That conversation lasted three minutes 478 00:27:41,099 --> 00:27:45,433 and set the tone for my two years in Surrey. 479 00:27:45,468 --> 00:27:50,636 Kirk's ruthless dialectic was the only way he spoke. 480 00:27:52,404 --> 00:27:55,011 It was an astonishment to Kirk 481 00:27:55,046 --> 00:27:58,380 that you should not want to be corrected. 482 00:27:59,413 --> 00:28:02,184 Kirk lived with his wife in a comfortable 483 00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:06,592 and secluded cottage on the edge of the village. 484 00:28:06,627 --> 00:28:09,791 It was all rather wonderful. 485 00:28:09,827 --> 00:28:11,525 Welcome! Welcome! 486 00:28:12,194 --> 00:28:14,232 Now you put your case down there. 487 00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:18,365 [C.S. Lewis] I felt welcomed as soon as I stepped inside, 488 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,066 the whole place was stuffed with books. 489 00:28:22,135 --> 00:28:24,742 I had come home. 490 00:28:24,777 --> 00:28:27,506 And this is my wife, Louisa. 491 00:28:27,541 --> 00:28:29,614 Pleased to meet you Mrs. Kirkpatrick. 492 00:28:29,683 --> 00:28:30,407 Pleasure's ours entirely. 493 00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,177 We'll show you up to your room. 494 00:28:32,213 --> 00:28:33,280 I have it all prepared. 495 00:28:33,315 --> 00:28:34,780 You come down when you're ready, 496 00:28:34,815 --> 00:28:38,222 and we'll start knocking that mind of yours into shape. 497 00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:45,460 There you are. I hope you like it. 498 00:28:48,663 --> 00:28:51,768 Oh, and by the way, don't worry about my husband. 499 00:28:51,837 --> 00:28:55,239 He likes to argue, a lot. 500 00:28:56,438 --> 00:28:58,903 Most boys would have cowered at all this. 501 00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:04,176 I loved the treat, but it was red beef and strong beer. 502 00:29:04,211 --> 00:29:05,412 After a few knockdowns, 503 00:29:05,447 --> 00:29:08,186 I began to put on some intellectual muscle 504 00:29:08,221 --> 00:29:12,487 and became a bit of a sparring partner to my new tutor. 505 00:29:16,956 --> 00:29:21,295 If I could please myself, I'd always live as I lived here. 506 00:29:21,331 --> 00:29:24,564 breakfast at eight, at my desk by nine 507 00:29:24,599 --> 00:29:28,800 to read and write to precisely one, then lunch. 508 00:29:30,205 --> 00:29:31,435 That was absolutely delicious. 509 00:29:31,470 --> 00:29:32,641 Thank you, Mrs. Kirkpatrick. 510 00:29:32,676 --> 00:29:33,871 Fine. 511 00:29:33,907 --> 00:29:37,644 Oh yes. I was encouraged to eat, as well as to think. 512 00:29:43,353 --> 00:29:46,453 Off for a walk by two, not with a friend. 513 00:29:46,488 --> 00:29:48,992 Walking and talking are two great pleasures, 514 00:29:49,061 --> 00:29:51,458 but it is a mistake to combine them. 515 00:29:51,493 --> 00:29:54,962 Our noise blocks out the sounds and silences 516 00:29:54,998 --> 00:29:56,300 of the outer world. 517 00:29:58,164 --> 00:29:59,270 Thank you. 518 00:30:01,370 --> 00:30:03,438 My return and the arrival of tea 519 00:30:03,474 --> 00:30:08,012 would coincide at exactly four, taken in solitude. 520 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:10,341 Eating and reading are two pleasures 521 00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:13,182 that combine admirably. 522 00:30:13,251 --> 00:30:16,116 Work till seven, deep into the classics, 523 00:30:16,151 --> 00:30:18,190 not sparing the horses. 524 00:30:25,966 --> 00:30:28,194 Good talk all evening, all challenging, 525 00:30:28,229 --> 00:30:30,168 brain-rattling stuff. 526 00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:32,364 In bed by 11, unless you're making a night of it 527 00:30:32,432 --> 00:30:34,734 at the pub with your cronies. 528 00:30:35,803 --> 00:30:39,537 Passable. You're still a little shaky on accuracy. 529 00:30:39,606 --> 00:30:41,879 And I fear you've missed my point 530 00:30:41,914 --> 00:30:44,546 about the classics entirely. 531 00:30:45,349 --> 00:30:49,183 He that neither knoweth nor will be taught 532 00:30:49,218 --> 00:30:51,883 by the instruction of the wise, 533 00:30:53,090 --> 00:30:55,953 this man is not Herodotus. 534 00:30:58,864 --> 00:31:00,397 He knew a thing or two. 535 00:31:02,329 --> 00:31:03,862 That's not Herodotus. 536 00:31:05,132 --> 00:31:06,967 It's Hesiod. 537 00:31:07,002 --> 00:31:08,236 Prove it. 538 00:31:08,305 --> 00:31:11,071 It's from his poem "Days in work." 539 00:31:11,107 --> 00:31:12,376 I have it somewhere. 540 00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:16,241 Here. 541 00:31:16,277 --> 00:31:18,778 Good lad! [laughs] 542 00:31:21,582 --> 00:31:24,214 My work was mostly Latin and Greek. 543 00:31:25,150 --> 00:31:30,388 Homer first. Oh still relish the brightness and music of it. 544 00:31:30,490 --> 00:31:33,463 Then the two great bores, 545 00:31:34,465 --> 00:31:38,333 Cicero and Demosthenes could not be avoided. 546 00:31:38,368 --> 00:31:42,599 Followed by Lucretius. Oh, the glory! 547 00:31:42,634 --> 00:31:45,607 Herodotus, Aeschylus, Euripides. 548 00:31:46,813 --> 00:31:48,107 Had no taste for Virgil. 549 00:31:48,876 --> 00:31:52,075 In the evening we mastered French, Italian and German 550 00:31:52,144 --> 00:31:55,551 plunging into the likes of Voltaire, Faust in the inferno. 551 00:31:57,486 --> 00:32:01,926 [sighs] Kirk was my great teacher. 552 00:32:01,961 --> 00:32:04,759 My debt remains to this day. 553 00:32:05,595 --> 00:32:08,627 As for religion, he was a Presbyterian atheist. 554 00:32:08,696 --> 00:32:11,435 On Sundays, he gardened in nicer clothes. 555 00:32:13,102 --> 00:32:15,734 [pensive music] 556 00:32:15,769 --> 00:32:19,840 Among the poets I was reading at the time, 557 00:32:20,509 --> 00:32:25,515 one stood apart, William Butler Yeats. 558 00:32:26,218 --> 00:32:28,314 He believed that there was a world 559 00:32:28,383 --> 00:32:29,715 beyond the material curtain 560 00:32:29,751 --> 00:32:33,457 and that contact with that world was possible. 561 00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:37,790 Oh, I regarded Yeats as a learned responsible writer. 562 00:32:37,859 --> 00:32:41,327 Later when I met him, I was awed by his personality 563 00:32:41,363 --> 00:32:43,068 and he rejected the whole 564 00:32:43,103 --> 00:32:46,471 materialist philosophy out of hand. 565 00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:50,406 If Yeats had been a Christian, I would have discounted him. 566 00:32:50,442 --> 00:32:54,874 I had Christians placed, disposed of for ever. 567 00:32:56,116 --> 00:33:00,115 Yeats offered something else, a perhaps. 568 00:33:00,151 --> 00:33:01,682 And through this perhaps, 569 00:33:01,751 --> 00:33:05,484 a drop of disturbing doubt fell into my materialism 570 00:33:05,519 --> 00:33:07,024 and introduced me to something 571 00:33:07,060 --> 00:33:08,886 I've had trouble with ever since, 572 00:33:08,921 --> 00:33:12,196 a ravenous desire for the supernatural. 573 00:33:12,231 --> 00:33:15,862 Or to put it bluntly, the occult. 574 00:33:16,803 --> 00:33:19,404 [eerie music] 575 00:33:26,410 --> 00:33:29,480 I once tried to describe it in a novel. 576 00:33:29,515 --> 00:33:34,285 It's a spiritual lust and like the lust of the flesh 577 00:33:34,321 --> 00:33:36,648 has the fatal power of making everything else 578 00:33:36,684 --> 00:33:38,984 seem uninteresting while it lasts. 579 00:33:40,257 --> 00:33:42,293 Oh I loved the vagueness of it. 580 00:33:42,328 --> 00:33:47,565 Circles, pentangles, Ouija boards, seances, 581 00:33:48,135 --> 00:33:51,736 all seemed able to raise a spirit. 582 00:33:51,772 --> 00:33:53,197 Oh, this magic! 583 00:33:53,265 --> 00:33:57,740 No connection of my atheism swayed me in different moods. 584 00:33:57,808 --> 00:34:02,079 And that it was scorned by both Christians and rationalists 585 00:34:02,114 --> 00:34:04,976 appealed to the rebel in me. 586 00:34:05,012 --> 00:34:10,455 My descent was from eccentricity to perversity. 587 00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:14,624 The world and the flesh had made their appearance. 588 00:34:15,258 --> 00:34:18,089 Now came the devil. 589 00:34:20,498 --> 00:34:22,229 Had there been an elder in the neighborhood 590 00:34:22,265 --> 00:34:24,599 who dabbled in dirt, 591 00:34:24,667 --> 00:34:28,602 oh they have a nose for potential disciples, 592 00:34:28,638 --> 00:34:33,478 I might now be a Satanist or a maniac. 593 00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:40,419 Then, in the super abundance of mercy, 594 00:34:41,716 --> 00:34:44,220 came that event which I have attempted 595 00:34:44,255 --> 00:34:46,986 to describe in many of my books. 596 00:34:52,629 --> 00:34:54,929 I was in the habit of walking a few miles 597 00:34:54,964 --> 00:34:59,438 to Leatherhead Station and taking the train back to Kirk's. 598 00:35:04,740 --> 00:35:07,279 While waiting for the train I rummaged in 599 00:35:07,314 --> 00:35:10,108 the second hand bookstore and picked out 600 00:35:10,143 --> 00:35:15,586 an unusual title, "Phantastes" by George MacDonald. 601 00:35:17,420 --> 00:35:19,789 It looked a little unusual. 602 00:35:20,792 --> 00:35:25,827 I hadn't the faintest notion of what I'd let myself in for. 603 00:35:27,197 --> 00:35:28,098 This one please. 604 00:35:28,134 --> 00:35:30,469 A tuppence, please sir. 605 00:35:31,868 --> 00:35:35,603 Thank you very much sir. [conductors whistle blows] 606 00:35:35,638 --> 00:35:40,875 Sorry. [man grumbles indistinctly] 607 00:35:55,793 --> 00:35:59,462 As I began to read my new book, I was electrified. 608 00:35:59,497 --> 00:36:02,532 I felt like a miner who had struck gold. 609 00:36:02,567 --> 00:36:05,530 In those pages I met all that had charmed me 610 00:36:05,599 --> 00:36:07,831 in Yeats and others. 611 00:36:07,866 --> 00:36:09,770 Yet, everything was changed. 612 00:36:09,805 --> 00:36:12,340 The bright shadow coming out of this book, 613 00:36:12,375 --> 00:36:14,137 transformed everything 614 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:17,681 and it would affect my own writing forever. 615 00:36:19,419 --> 00:36:21,778 It was as if I had died in the old country 616 00:36:21,814 --> 00:36:23,654 and come alive in the new, 617 00:36:23,689 --> 00:36:28,659 all my occult and erotic fantasies began to feel sordid. 618 00:36:28,694 --> 00:36:33,727 Disarmed, what I really wanted was just out of reach. 619 00:36:33,795 --> 00:36:36,500 Not because of something I could not do, 620 00:36:36,536 --> 00:36:40,372 but because of something I could not stop doing. 621 00:36:40,407 --> 00:36:45,170 Oh, if I could only let go, unmake myself. 622 00:36:46,875 --> 00:36:50,076 I did not know the name of this new quality. 623 00:36:51,348 --> 00:36:54,553 Oh I do now. Holiness. 624 00:36:55,685 --> 00:36:58,519 That night as I read "Phantastes" 625 00:36:58,554 --> 00:37:02,121 my imagination was baptized. 626 00:37:05,431 --> 00:37:07,698 The rest of me took a little longer. 627 00:37:10,630 --> 00:37:13,869 [gentle music] 628 00:37:13,904 --> 00:37:16,235 I first met it as a memory that would arise suddenly 629 00:37:16,303 --> 00:37:21,140 without warning from the depth of not years, but centuries. 630 00:37:23,645 --> 00:37:26,451 The memory was from childhood 631 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,918 when my brother brought the lid of a biscuit tin 632 00:37:29,953 --> 00:37:34,525 garnished with twigs and flowers to make a toy garden. 633 00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:38,630 It was the first beauty I had ever known, 634 00:37:39,330 --> 00:37:41,899 a sensation of desire. 635 00:37:42,702 --> 00:37:46,196 But before I knew what I desired, the desire was gone, 636 00:37:46,231 --> 00:37:49,674 withdrawn, the world turned common again. 637 00:37:51,942 --> 00:37:56,646 Since then my constant endeavor was to get it again, 638 00:37:56,714 --> 00:38:00,146 in reading every book, going on every walk, 639 00:38:00,816 --> 00:38:04,618 listening to every piece of music. 640 00:38:04,653 --> 00:38:08,122 Occasionally the sky would turn. 641 00:38:08,190 --> 00:38:13,632 Far more often, I frightened it away by my greed to have it. 642 00:38:20,272 --> 00:38:22,300 I call this desire, joy, 643 00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:25,408 which must be distinguished very sharply 644 00:38:25,443 --> 00:38:26,841 from happiness or pleasure, 645 00:38:26,910 --> 00:38:30,675 except that anyone who has ever experienced joy 646 00:38:30,744 --> 00:38:32,813 will want it again. 647 00:38:32,848 --> 00:38:34,680 Apart from that, it might be called 648 00:38:34,749 --> 00:38:38,217 a particular kind of grief, 649 00:38:39,754 --> 00:38:41,252 but then it's the kind we want. 650 00:38:41,287 --> 00:38:45,730 It is the scent of a flower we have not found, 651 00:38:46,862 --> 00:38:50,735 the echo of a tune we've not heard. 652 00:38:52,034 --> 00:38:56,708 News from a country we have not yet visited. 653 00:38:57,710 --> 00:39:01,174 Oh, I doubt that anyone who has ever tasted joy 654 00:39:02,343 --> 00:39:06,311 would exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. 655 00:39:08,149 --> 00:39:13,087 But joy is never in our path. And pleasure is. 656 00:39:20,795 --> 00:39:23,866 At 18, I arrived at Oxford, 657 00:39:23,902 --> 00:39:27,635 the fabled cluster of towers and dreaming spires 658 00:39:27,670 --> 00:39:30,336 had never looked more beautiful. 659 00:39:31,272 --> 00:39:35,274 Less than a term later, like most of my generation, 660 00:39:35,974 --> 00:39:37,548 I enlisted in the army, 661 00:39:37,583 --> 00:39:39,850 was sent to the front lines in France, 662 00:39:40,584 --> 00:39:43,414 on my 19th birthday to be exact. 663 00:39:46,021 --> 00:39:50,295 First bullet I heard brought not fear, 664 00:39:50,363 --> 00:39:54,563 but the thought, this is war. 665 00:39:54,598 --> 00:39:56,966 This is what Homer wrote about. 666 00:39:57,935 --> 00:40:01,938 Five months later, I was wounded and sent home. 667 00:40:02,672 --> 00:40:04,375 In between, I had the good luck 668 00:40:04,410 --> 00:40:06,272 to fall sick with trench fever. 669 00:40:07,708 --> 00:40:09,940 [gentle music] 670 00:40:10,009 --> 00:40:11,781 Compared to the trenches, 671 00:40:11,849 --> 00:40:15,380 a hospital bed and a book were heaven itself. 672 00:40:17,988 --> 00:40:19,949 And how are you tonight Lieutenant Lewis? 673 00:40:20,018 --> 00:40:21,893 Fine. Thank you nurse. 674 00:40:22,763 --> 00:40:26,064 Well Stanley. Time for your inspection, I think. 675 00:40:26,099 --> 00:40:26,826 Yes nurse. 676 00:40:26,861 --> 00:40:28,259 Except that the night nurse 677 00:40:28,295 --> 00:40:32,096 was conducting a furious affair with my roommate. 678 00:40:32,132 --> 00:40:34,873 I was too sick to be embarrassed, 679 00:40:34,908 --> 00:40:39,272 but the sound of two lovers whispering in the nighttime 680 00:40:40,247 --> 00:40:42,473 is a tedious noise. 681 00:40:45,281 --> 00:40:49,354 It was here I first read G.K Chesterton. Never heard of him. 682 00:40:49,422 --> 00:40:51,120 Had no idea what he stood for, 683 00:40:51,155 --> 00:40:54,491 nor could I understand why it made such a conquest of me. 684 00:40:54,526 --> 00:40:56,255 His humor was the kind I like. 685 00:40:56,290 --> 00:41:00,298 No, not jokes, still less a tone of flippancy. 686 00:41:00,333 --> 00:41:02,494 Oh that I cannot endure. 687 00:41:03,330 --> 00:41:08,300 Rather his humor was the bloom of his argument. 688 00:41:08,369 --> 00:41:11,305 Strange as it seems I liked him for his goodness. 689 00:41:11,340 --> 00:41:15,540 Oh not that it had anything to do with being good myself. 690 00:41:15,575 --> 00:41:19,845 I did not have the cynics nose for hypocrisy and smugness 691 00:41:19,881 --> 00:41:22,516 so common among my peers. 692 00:41:22,585 --> 00:41:25,450 [nurse giggling] 693 00:41:29,796 --> 00:41:32,662 In Chesterton, as in MacDonald, I did not know 694 00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:34,627 what I was letting myself in for. 695 00:41:35,297 --> 00:41:38,636 A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist 696 00:41:38,671 --> 00:41:40,872 cannot be too careful of his reading. 697 00:41:44,076 --> 00:41:48,407 After my convalescence, I returned to the front lines. 698 00:42:07,661 --> 00:42:08,559 Wait. 699 00:42:17,073 --> 00:42:18,275 Turn off the light! [gunshots blasting] 700 00:42:18,311 --> 00:42:20,912 [men yelling] 701 00:42:23,350 --> 00:42:26,445 [explosions booming] 702 00:42:32,090 --> 00:42:36,757 The moment I was hit and found that I was not breathing 703 00:42:36,793 --> 00:42:39,227 I concluded this is death. 704 00:42:40,295 --> 00:42:44,595 I felt no fear, no courage, just the thought, 705 00:42:45,637 --> 00:42:48,973 here lies a man who died. 706 00:42:49,938 --> 00:42:52,070 It wasn't even interesting. 707 00:42:52,105 --> 00:42:53,469 The fruit of this experience 708 00:42:53,505 --> 00:42:56,506 is there appeared a fully conscious I, 709 00:42:56,542 --> 00:43:00,347 whose connection with me was coming to an end. 710 00:43:00,382 --> 00:43:05,253 And I, whoever that may be, cared not two farthings. 711 00:43:06,022 --> 00:43:08,322 Oh, it was more than an abstraction. 712 00:43:09,823 --> 00:43:10,756 I tasted it. 713 00:43:10,792 --> 00:43:13,492 [somber music] 714 00:43:17,862 --> 00:43:22,435 As for the rest of the war, the cold, the fear, the fright. 715 00:43:24,376 --> 00:43:25,636 The corpses. 716 00:43:27,607 --> 00:43:31,477 It was a ghastly interruption to rational life. 717 00:43:33,447 --> 00:43:36,955 Now it feels like it happened to someone else. 718 00:43:39,418 --> 00:43:42,026 Except for the recurring nightmares. 719 00:43:49,094 --> 00:43:52,001 [expectant music] 720 00:43:52,070 --> 00:43:56,401 When I returned to Oxford, I put on a new look, 721 00:43:56,437 --> 00:43:59,538 which meant to act with the greatest good sense, 722 00:43:59,573 --> 00:44:04,147 and to have no more flirtations with the supernatural. 723 00:44:07,381 --> 00:44:10,482 Directly after the war, I spent a fortnight 724 00:44:10,551 --> 00:44:14,187 with a man I'd dearly loved, who was going mad. 725 00:44:14,256 --> 00:44:17,257 I held him as he wallowed on the floor 726 00:44:17,292 --> 00:44:21,532 and screamed "Devils are tearing me apart. 727 00:44:21,567 --> 00:44:24,568 I'm falling into hell." 728 00:44:24,637 --> 00:44:26,199 I knew this man had flirted 729 00:44:26,234 --> 00:44:29,367 with all sorts of occult ideas as I had. 730 00:44:29,435 --> 00:44:32,142 Oh, perhaps there was no connection, 731 00:44:32,178 --> 00:44:36,180 but I took it as a warning to stay on the beaten track, 732 00:44:36,215 --> 00:44:41,415 the approved material center of the road with the lights on. 733 00:44:45,519 --> 00:44:48,289 The early days of my new look were quite happy, 734 00:44:48,325 --> 00:44:52,358 busy engaged in my studies of classics, philosophy. 735 00:44:52,393 --> 00:44:54,597 At that time we were all swept up by Freud 736 00:44:54,666 --> 00:44:57,201 and his new psychology. 737 00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:02,170 By my mid 20s, I was elected a fellow at Magdalen College, 738 00:45:02,205 --> 00:45:04,735 hence my career as a scholar and tutor began. 739 00:45:06,073 --> 00:45:07,307 After you dear boy. 740 00:45:07,343 --> 00:45:09,176 The answer of course, is that [indistinct]. 741 00:45:09,212 --> 00:45:11,409 They even provided rooms for me here, 742 00:45:11,477 --> 00:45:14,679 to read, to write for my tutorials. 743 00:45:16,181 --> 00:45:17,517 I had arrived. 744 00:45:20,022 --> 00:45:21,356 I felt like I'd found a home 745 00:45:21,391 --> 00:45:24,192 with some of the finest scholars I would ever meet. 746 00:45:24,227 --> 00:45:28,232 We were young, clear-headed, invincible. 747 00:45:29,102 --> 00:45:32,731 Then one day, my very dear friend, Owen Barfield, 748 00:45:32,799 --> 00:45:36,501 who satisfied my hunger for debate and rational opposition 749 00:45:36,536 --> 00:45:40,111 announced that he had changed his views. 750 00:45:41,279 --> 00:45:46,280 He was no longer a materialist and had become a theist. 751 00:45:46,315 --> 00:45:48,919 I was shocked. I thought Barfield was safe. 752 00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:51,218 He came from such a free-thinkig family. 753 00:45:51,253 --> 00:45:53,958 He'd barely even heard of Christianity. 754 00:45:53,993 --> 00:45:56,627 Barfield bought up all the abominations: 755 00:45:56,662 --> 00:45:59,358 God, spirit, afterlife. 756 00:45:59,393 --> 00:46:03,065 I said, "Dammit Owen, it's medieval." 757 00:46:03,100 --> 00:46:05,730 [Jack] Dammit Owen, it's medieval. 758 00:46:07,504 --> 00:46:09,574 [Owen] You may say that Jack, but the medieval world 759 00:46:09,609 --> 00:46:10,736 has a lot to teach us. 760 00:46:11,439 --> 00:46:14,077 [Jack] You mean that the world is flat. 761 00:46:14,113 --> 00:46:17,247 Oh come on Jack, be serious. Open your mind. 762 00:46:18,617 --> 00:46:19,877 [Jack] I have. 763 00:46:19,912 --> 00:46:23,787 And as a wise man once said to me, he that neither knoweth- 764 00:46:23,822 --> 00:46:25,849 - This started our great war, 765 00:46:25,884 --> 00:46:29,259 our philosophic disputation that lasted for years. 766 00:46:30,290 --> 00:46:32,425 I remember Barfield asking: 767 00:46:32,461 --> 00:46:35,997 Jack, do you believe that logic and reason 768 00:46:36,065 --> 00:46:37,765 bring forth indisputable truth? 769 00:46:37,801 --> 00:46:39,003 [Jack] I do. 770 00:46:39,071 --> 00:46:40,297 And are your moral and aesthetic judgments 771 00:46:40,332 --> 00:46:41,703 valid and meaningful? 772 00:46:41,738 --> 00:46:43,006 They are. 773 00:46:43,075 --> 00:46:45,605 Well then materialism must be abandoned. 774 00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:47,638 There is a hopeless discord between what our minds 775 00:46:47,673 --> 00:46:50,241 claim to be and what they really must be 776 00:46:50,276 --> 00:46:51,976 if materialism is true. 777 00:46:52,645 --> 00:46:56,317 We claim our minds to be reason-perceiving 778 00:46:56,353 --> 00:46:58,414 universal intellectual principles, moral laws, 779 00:46:58,450 --> 00:47:00,290 and possessing free will. 780 00:47:00,326 --> 00:47:03,523 But if materialism is true, our minds must in reality, 781 00:47:03,592 --> 00:47:06,863 be merely chance arrangements of atoms in skulls. 782 00:47:06,898 --> 00:47:08,264 I of course, argued back. 783 00:47:08,300 --> 00:47:10,828 We are to accept reality as it is revealed to us 784 00:47:10,897 --> 00:47:15,039 by our senses and the findings of science have concluded 785 00:47:15,074 --> 00:47:17,303 that human reason is merely cognitive maps 786 00:47:17,339 --> 00:47:18,669 resulting from natural selection, 787 00:47:18,738 --> 00:47:22,376 with random mutations over millions of years 788 00:47:22,412 --> 00:47:24,747 to confer on humans a reproductive advantage 789 00:47:24,816 --> 00:47:26,250 over other species. 790 00:47:27,413 --> 00:47:29,185 I had to say something. 791 00:47:29,220 --> 00:47:32,687 I'd been defending materialism for years. 792 00:47:32,722 --> 00:47:33,587 Look. 793 00:47:34,927 --> 00:47:36,755 If my clearest reasoning tells me 794 00:47:36,791 --> 00:47:39,693 that my mind is nothing more than the accidental result 795 00:47:39,728 --> 00:47:44,167 of atoms colliding in skulls, there must be some mistake. 796 00:47:44,203 --> 00:47:46,667 How should I trust my mind when it tells me 797 00:47:46,702 --> 00:47:50,072 that my most profound thoughts are merely mental patterns 798 00:47:50,141 --> 00:47:52,375 resulting from heredity and physics? 799 00:47:55,346 --> 00:47:59,048 Barfield's notion that if materialism is true 800 00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:01,511 my conscious mind is nothing more 801 00:48:01,546 --> 00:48:04,453 than atoms colliding in skulls. 802 00:48:06,652 --> 00:48:08,818 This was simply unbelievable to me. 803 00:48:08,853 --> 00:48:11,889 I could not force my thought into that shape 804 00:48:11,924 --> 00:48:15,429 any more than I could scratch my ear with my big toe. 805 00:48:15,464 --> 00:48:19,169 It was as final as a physical impossibility. 806 00:48:19,204 --> 00:48:23,073 Mind, reason, imagination, consciousness 807 00:48:23,108 --> 00:48:25,436 must be more than mere biochemistry. 808 00:48:25,504 --> 00:48:28,671 It must be a real participation. 809 00:48:28,707 --> 00:48:32,647 Something further up, further in. 810 00:48:33,416 --> 00:48:38,619 Rock-bottom reality had to be intelligent. 811 00:48:40,759 --> 00:48:41,785 [pensive music] 812 00:48:41,821 --> 00:48:44,389 It's astonishing I've not seen this before. 813 00:48:44,424 --> 00:48:46,595 Willful blindness, I suppose. 814 00:48:46,630 --> 00:48:50,629 And I was careful not to attach rock-bottom reality to God, 815 00:48:50,698 --> 00:48:54,468 my skepticism would not allow me to go that far. 816 00:48:54,503 --> 00:48:57,737 Rather I attached it to the universe itself. 817 00:49:00,077 --> 00:49:02,477 Still it had immense potency. 818 00:49:02,546 --> 00:49:06,483 Behind the material curtain lay the hidden glory. 819 00:49:06,518 --> 00:49:10,453 Barfield and I began to talk religiously about an absolute. 820 00:49:11,555 --> 00:49:13,790 Of course, this was a religion that cost nothing. 821 00:49:13,826 --> 00:49:15,858 It wasn't personal. 822 00:49:15,927 --> 00:49:16,952 It wouldn't do anything. 823 00:49:16,988 --> 00:49:19,963 It wouldn't lead to dark places where men scream 824 00:49:19,998 --> 00:49:21,794 they're being dragged into hell. 825 00:49:22,735 --> 00:49:23,959 It was there. 826 00:49:23,995 --> 00:49:27,998 Never come here. Make a nuisance of itself. 827 00:49:31,904 --> 00:49:35,805 Within the faculty, I befriended Hugo Dyson 828 00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:40,384 and J.R.R. Tolkien, both Christians. 829 00:49:41,552 --> 00:49:44,647 Oh these queer people were popping up on every side. 830 00:49:44,682 --> 00:49:46,651 There was a wider disturbance. 831 00:49:46,687 --> 00:49:48,784 All my books were turning against me. 832 00:49:48,820 --> 00:49:50,653 I must've been as blind as a bat, 833 00:49:50,688 --> 00:49:52,155 not to have seen this before. 834 00:49:52,190 --> 00:49:55,466 George McDonald had done more to me than any other writer. 835 00:49:55,501 --> 00:49:59,034 Of course he had that bee in his bonnet about Christianity. 836 00:49:59,103 --> 00:50:01,171 He was good in spite of it. 837 00:50:01,206 --> 00:50:04,307 Spenser, Dante, Milton had it too. 838 00:50:04,343 --> 00:50:07,109 I thought Chesterton the most sensible man alive, 839 00:50:07,144 --> 00:50:09,378 apart from his Christianity. 840 00:50:09,413 --> 00:50:11,215 I was beginning to think that Christianity 841 00:50:11,284 --> 00:50:14,716 was quite sensible apart from its Christianity. 842 00:50:14,751 --> 00:50:18,456 On the other hand, those writers who did not suffer religion 843 00:50:18,491 --> 00:50:21,392 and with whom my sympathies ought to have been complete: 844 00:50:21,427 --> 00:50:26,396 Shaw, Wells, Gibbon, Voltaire, seemed thin, tinny. 845 00:50:26,432 --> 00:50:29,293 Oh, they were all entertaining, especially Gibbon, 846 00:50:29,329 --> 00:50:30,496 but hardly more. 847 00:50:30,532 --> 00:50:32,497 The roughness and density of life 848 00:50:32,532 --> 00:50:35,002 did not appear in their books. 849 00:50:35,805 --> 00:50:38,869 I concluded that those with untrained philosophic minds 850 00:50:38,938 --> 00:50:41,307 could come near the notion of an absolute being 851 00:50:41,342 --> 00:50:43,313 by believing in a God. 852 00:50:43,348 --> 00:50:45,544 And I distinguished my belief very sharply 853 00:50:45,580 --> 00:50:47,382 from the God of popular religion. 854 00:50:47,417 --> 00:50:49,415 Oh there was no possibility of being 855 00:50:49,483 --> 00:50:51,148 in a personal relation with him. 856 00:50:51,184 --> 00:50:55,356 I could no more meet him than Hamlet could meet Shakespeare. 857 00:50:55,392 --> 00:50:57,421 And I did not call him God, either. 858 00:50:57,457 --> 00:50:59,263 I called him Spirit. 859 00:50:59,298 --> 00:51:02,158 One must fight for one's remaining comforts. 860 00:51:04,369 --> 00:51:06,732 About this time one of my fellow tutors, 861 00:51:06,767 --> 00:51:08,901 the hardest boiled atheist I'd ever known, 862 00:51:08,970 --> 00:51:12,410 sat in my rooms other side of the fireplace and remarked 863 00:51:12,445 --> 00:51:16,341 "The evidence for the historicity of the gospels, 864 00:51:16,376 --> 00:51:17,777 surprisingly good. 865 00:51:17,846 --> 00:51:21,385 Rum thing, all that mythology about the dying god. 866 00:51:21,421 --> 00:51:25,115 Rum thing, looks as if it really happened once." 867 00:51:26,056 --> 00:51:26,954 I was shattered. 868 00:51:27,657 --> 00:51:29,720 If he the cynic of cynics, who's never since 869 00:51:29,756 --> 00:51:31,626 shown any interest in Christianity 870 00:51:31,695 --> 00:51:34,832 were not as I still would have thought him, safe, 871 00:51:34,867 --> 00:51:36,731 where can I turn? 872 00:51:41,304 --> 00:51:43,001 Before God closed in on me 873 00:51:43,871 --> 00:51:46,773 I was in fact offered a moment of free choice. 874 00:51:46,809 --> 00:51:49,378 I was sitting on a bus going up Headington Hills 875 00:51:49,413 --> 00:51:51,147 thinking I was wearing a suit of armor, 876 00:51:51,182 --> 00:51:53,317 trying to keep something out. 877 00:51:53,352 --> 00:51:56,751 I could unbuckle the armor or, keep it on. 878 00:51:57,452 --> 00:51:59,083 The choice felt momentous. 879 00:52:01,059 --> 00:52:02,086 I chose to unbuckle. 880 00:52:03,428 --> 00:52:05,822 Did not seem impossible to do the opposite. 881 00:52:05,891 --> 00:52:08,158 The initiative did not lie with me. 882 00:52:11,029 --> 00:52:12,929 If Hamlet and Shakespeare could ever meet, 883 00:52:12,965 --> 00:52:14,931 it would have to be Shakespeares doing, 884 00:52:14,966 --> 00:52:17,871 he could write himself into the play. 885 00:52:21,841 --> 00:52:24,744 What I called Spirit began to show 886 00:52:24,779 --> 00:52:27,680 an alarming tendency to become personal. 887 00:52:27,749 --> 00:52:30,747 Into my mind, crept a horrible novelty. 888 00:52:30,782 --> 00:52:32,454 I really believed something. 889 00:52:32,490 --> 00:52:34,523 And now that I had blundered into that 890 00:52:34,592 --> 00:52:37,360 I knew I could play at philosophy no longer. 891 00:52:37,428 --> 00:52:40,030 It was time something should be done. 892 00:52:40,066 --> 00:52:42,664 The absolute had arrived. 893 00:52:42,699 --> 00:52:45,535 Making a nuisance of itself, issuing a command. 894 00:52:45,571 --> 00:52:48,505 All my acts and desires were to be brought in line 895 00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:51,674 with this absolute spirit that I now believed. 896 00:52:55,446 --> 00:52:58,214 For the first time I examined myself 897 00:52:58,250 --> 00:53:00,749 with a serious practical purpose. 898 00:53:01,747 --> 00:53:04,918 What I found appalled me. 899 00:53:06,117 --> 00:53:09,887 Depth after depth of pride, self admiration, 900 00:53:09,955 --> 00:53:13,089 a zoo of lusts, a bedlam of ambitions, 901 00:53:13,125 --> 00:53:17,562 a nursery of fears, a harem of fondled hatred. 902 00:53:17,597 --> 00:53:19,669 Oh, my name is legion. 903 00:53:21,036 --> 00:53:24,905 Amiable agnostics talk cheerfully of man's search for God, 904 00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:27,807 may as well talk of the mouse's search for the cat. 905 00:53:27,843 --> 00:53:30,179 All I ever wanted was not be interfered with, 906 00:53:30,214 --> 00:53:32,514 to call my soul my own. 907 00:53:32,549 --> 00:53:35,883 Keep out, private. This is my business. 908 00:53:35,919 --> 00:53:39,381 But no one talked glibly of the comforts of religion. 909 00:53:39,450 --> 00:53:42,986 Is it a small thing to give yourself blindly to a guide 910 00:53:43,021 --> 00:53:44,692 when his own showing may very well 911 00:53:44,728 --> 00:53:47,495 be leading you to poverty, ridicule, death? 912 00:53:47,531 --> 00:53:49,761 Oh, I knew I would not allow myself 913 00:53:49,830 --> 00:53:52,267 to do anything intolerably painful. 914 00:53:52,302 --> 00:53:53,598 I would be reasonable. 915 00:53:53,633 --> 00:53:55,969 Would it be reasonable? 916 00:53:58,177 --> 00:53:59,742 No assurance was offered. 917 00:54:00,574 --> 00:54:01,975 It was all or nothing. 918 00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:07,585 As the dry bones shook in Ezekiel's dreadful valley, 919 00:54:08,619 --> 00:54:11,947 the absolute spirit began to stir and heave 920 00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:14,218 and throw off its grave clothes. 921 00:54:15,292 --> 00:54:19,993 He said, "I am the Lord. 922 00:54:21,660 --> 00:54:23,095 I am that I am. 923 00:54:25,299 --> 00:54:26,230 I am." 924 00:54:29,437 --> 00:54:32,236 [pensive music] 925 00:54:35,208 --> 00:54:38,077 You must picture me alone in my room at Magdalen, 926 00:54:40,081 --> 00:54:43,451 night after night, feeling whenever my mind lifted, 927 00:54:43,486 --> 00:54:45,653 even for a second, from my work, 928 00:54:45,688 --> 00:54:49,657 the steady unrelenting approach of him 929 00:54:49,726 --> 00:54:53,191 whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. 930 00:54:56,967 --> 00:55:01,034 That which I greatly feared had at last come found me. 931 00:55:04,608 --> 00:55:09,845 In the Trinity term, 1929, I gave in. 932 00:55:12,647 --> 00:55:15,078 And admitted that God is God. 933 00:55:15,113 --> 00:55:17,919 Knelt and prayed perhaps that night, 934 00:55:17,954 --> 00:55:22,891 the most dejected, reluctant convert in all England. 935 00:55:32,702 --> 00:55:34,538 I did not then see the divine love 936 00:55:34,573 --> 00:55:37,169 that would accept a prodigal on such terms. 937 00:55:38,035 --> 00:55:39,872 Kicking, struggling, resentful, 938 00:55:39,907 --> 00:55:41,773 darting his eyes in every direction, 939 00:55:41,808 --> 00:55:44,077 looking for a chance to escape. 940 00:55:45,411 --> 00:55:48,752 The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of man. 941 00:55:50,949 --> 00:55:54,318 His compulsion is my liberation. 942 00:55:59,494 --> 00:56:02,260 [bells tolling] 943 00:56:12,141 --> 00:56:14,910 You must understand that the conversion I just described 944 00:56:14,946 --> 00:56:18,514 was only to theism, pure and simple, not Christianity. 945 00:56:18,550 --> 00:56:20,309 I knew nothing of the incarnation, 946 00:56:20,345 --> 00:56:23,046 the God to whom I surrendered was not human. 947 00:56:23,082 --> 00:56:25,421 I had no belief in an after life. 948 00:56:25,489 --> 00:56:27,120 That to me, felt like a bribe. 949 00:56:28,991 --> 00:56:30,887 My argument against God was that the universe 950 00:56:30,922 --> 00:56:32,455 was so cruel and unjust, 951 00:56:32,490 --> 00:56:35,892 but where had I got this notion of cruel and unjust? 952 00:56:35,927 --> 00:56:37,095 I call a line crooked 953 00:56:37,163 --> 00:56:39,162 because I have some idea of a straight line. 954 00:56:39,198 --> 00:56:41,164 What was I comparing the universe with, 955 00:56:41,199 --> 00:56:43,771 when I called it cruel and unjust. 956 00:56:43,806 --> 00:56:46,104 If the whole universe has no meaning, 957 00:56:46,172 --> 00:56:49,304 I should never have known it has no meaning. 958 00:56:49,340 --> 00:56:51,779 All of my reasonable mind was convinced 959 00:56:51,814 --> 00:56:53,944 that the universe cannot explain itself, 960 00:56:54,012 --> 00:56:55,615 that God is behind the universe, 961 00:56:55,650 --> 00:56:56,918 that he has purposes. 962 00:56:56,953 --> 00:57:00,119 And is to be obeyed simply because he is God. 963 00:57:00,188 --> 00:57:02,958 I suppose my religion was like that of the Jews. 964 00:57:07,597 --> 00:57:09,765 As soon as I became a theist, 965 00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:12,468 I started attending my parish church on Sunday. 966 00:57:12,503 --> 00:57:14,032 College chapel during the week. 967 00:57:14,067 --> 00:57:16,135 Not because I believed in Christianity, 968 00:57:16,204 --> 00:57:19,970 but because I thought one should fly one's flag. 969 00:57:20,038 --> 00:57:24,276 [congregation singing drearily] 970 00:57:27,652 --> 00:57:29,853 Church was an unattractive affair. 971 00:57:32,220 --> 00:57:35,250 I like clergy as I like bears, but I have no more wish 972 00:57:35,286 --> 00:57:37,421 to be in church as to be in a zoo. 973 00:57:41,229 --> 00:57:45,836 Church to me meant ugly architecture, bleed music, 974 00:57:45,904 --> 00:57:50,874 bad poetry, hymns are extremely disagreeable to me. 975 00:57:54,243 --> 00:57:59,008 And the botheration of it all, the crowds, the notices, 976 00:57:59,077 --> 00:58:01,819 the perpetual organizing. 977 00:58:04,252 --> 00:58:06,549 Before our final prayer, a quick announcement, 978 00:58:06,584 --> 00:58:10,152 if you would like to join Edith on the flower rota, 979 00:58:10,187 --> 00:58:12,028 she's desperate for volunteers, 980 00:58:12,063 --> 00:58:15,660 do please speak to her at the back by the font afterwards. 981 00:58:15,695 --> 00:58:16,966 Let us pray. 982 00:58:17,935 --> 00:58:21,035 Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee oh Lord 983 00:58:21,071 --> 00:58:25,034 and by thy great mercy defend us from all perils 984 00:58:25,070 --> 00:58:27,141 and dangers of this night, 985 00:58:27,176 --> 00:58:32,080 for the love of Thy only son, our savior Jesus Christ. 986 00:58:33,349 --> 00:58:34,214 Amen. 987 00:58:40,325 --> 00:58:43,190 [expectant music] 988 00:58:44,928 --> 00:58:47,797 My new conviction in a higher being 989 00:58:47,832 --> 00:58:50,697 did not exactly make me a paid-up member 990 00:58:50,733 --> 00:58:52,199 in the Church of England. 991 00:58:53,736 --> 00:58:56,671 But now that I believed in God, 992 00:58:56,706 --> 00:58:58,906 I wanted to know more of him, 993 00:58:58,941 --> 00:59:02,045 from any source, pagan or Christian. 994 00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:05,309 The question was no longer to find the one true religion 995 00:59:05,345 --> 00:59:09,579 among many, but where had the thing grown up. 996 00:59:10,723 --> 00:59:13,919 Paganism was the childhood of religion. 997 00:59:13,954 --> 00:59:16,190 Where had it reached maturity? 998 00:59:17,292 --> 00:59:21,524 As for the materialists, their view was out of court. 999 00:59:21,560 --> 00:59:25,263 If reason is only the accidental result of atoms 1000 00:59:25,331 --> 00:59:29,231 colliding in skulls, I could see no reason 1001 00:59:29,266 --> 00:59:31,106 to believe that one accident 1002 00:59:31,141 --> 00:59:34,307 should give the correct account for all other accidents. 1003 00:59:38,115 --> 00:59:40,475 My allegiance was now with the mass of humanity 1004 00:59:40,511 --> 00:59:44,482 who danced, sang and prayed, worshiped. 1005 00:59:46,890 --> 00:59:48,953 There isn't really an infinite variety 1006 00:59:48,988 --> 00:59:50,419 of religions you know. 1007 00:59:50,488 --> 00:59:53,123 To me, the only ones worth considering 1008 00:59:53,158 --> 00:59:55,493 are Christianity and Hinduism. 1009 00:59:55,528 --> 00:59:58,562 Islam is only the greatest of the Christian heresies. 1010 00:59:58,597 --> 01:00:01,936 Buddhism's only the greatest of the Hindu heresies. 1011 01:00:01,972 --> 01:00:04,408 All that is best in Judaism and Plato 1012 01:00:04,443 --> 01:00:06,303 survives in Christianity 1013 01:00:06,372 --> 01:00:09,673 and Hinduism bears no historical claim. 1014 01:00:09,708 --> 01:00:12,542 That had been put into my head by that hard-boiled atheist, 1015 01:00:12,578 --> 01:00:16,951 who said, "All that mythology about a dying God 1016 01:00:16,986 --> 01:00:20,254 looks as if it really happened once." 1017 01:00:21,555 --> 01:00:26,595 One day Tolkien and I took a stroll on Addison's walk. 1018 01:00:26,630 --> 01:00:27,996 As we talked, I said. 1019 01:00:28,065 --> 01:00:32,165 Tollers, I have, with considerable resistance, 1020 01:00:32,201 --> 01:00:37,436 come to believe in God, but not Christianity. 1021 01:00:37,870 --> 01:00:39,173 Oh Jack. 1022 01:00:39,209 --> 01:00:41,273 I cannot believe something I do not understand. 1023 01:00:41,308 --> 01:00:42,772 How can the life and death of someone else, 1024 01:00:42,807 --> 01:00:46,644 whoever he was, 2000 years ago, help us in the here and now. 1025 01:00:46,679 --> 01:00:50,020 When you meet a God sacrificing himself in a pagan story 1026 01:00:50,055 --> 01:00:53,585 like Dionysus, Balder, Osiris or even in a fairy tale, 1027 01:00:53,620 --> 01:00:57,192 you like it very much and are mysteriously moved by it. 1028 01:00:57,227 --> 01:01:00,192 Provided you meet it anywhere except in the gospels. 1029 01:01:00,227 --> 01:01:01,865 Well the story of Christ is a myth, 1030 01:01:01,933 --> 01:01:03,628 working on us in the same way as other myths, 1031 01:01:03,663 --> 01:01:07,070 with one tremendous difference in that it really happened. 1032 01:01:10,439 --> 01:01:15,442 Suddenly a rush of wind interrupted us, startling me. 1033 01:01:15,477 --> 01:01:19,845 So many leaves fell to the ground I thought it was raining. 1034 01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:20,776 I held my breath. 1035 01:01:21,779 --> 01:01:24,118 Come on, Jack. You're too slow to catch a cold. 1036 01:01:24,153 --> 01:01:25,884 You know Dyson hates sitting on those steps 1037 01:01:25,953 --> 01:01:27,354 waiting to be let in. 1038 01:01:34,660 --> 01:01:37,600 I don't know if Tollers remembered that moment. 1039 01:01:37,636 --> 01:01:40,497 I did. His words hit home. 1040 01:01:40,533 --> 01:01:44,173 No matter how unwilling, I was beginning to move. 1041 01:01:58,253 --> 01:02:01,223 Tollers and I talked deep into the night. 1042 01:02:02,022 --> 01:02:04,726 Hugo Dyson joined us. 1043 01:02:04,761 --> 01:02:07,763 Beef. Sensational pie. 1044 01:02:07,798 --> 01:02:09,463 You make a mess with that. 1045 01:02:10,199 --> 01:02:12,630 Now this stuff will put hairs on your chest. 1046 01:02:13,703 --> 01:02:15,099 Here she is. 1047 01:02:15,134 --> 01:02:16,568 Make space would you. 1048 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:18,636 There we go. 1049 01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:22,711 Look, I may be prepared to accept Jesus 1050 01:02:22,747 --> 01:02:24,739 as a great moral teacher, 1051 01:02:24,808 --> 01:02:26,945 but I simply cannot accept his claim to be God. 1052 01:02:26,981 --> 01:02:28,447 Oh, come on Jack. 1053 01:02:28,516 --> 01:02:31,118 How could a mere man be called a great moral teacher 1054 01:02:31,187 --> 01:02:33,015 and say the sort of things Jesus said? 1055 01:02:33,051 --> 01:02:34,657 Such as? 1056 01:02:34,726 --> 01:02:36,257 That he always existed. 1057 01:02:36,292 --> 01:02:38,027 That he was coming again to judge the world. 1058 01:02:38,062 --> 01:02:41,230 Such men are judged frauds, lunatics. 1059 01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:44,563 In spite of my resistance, 1060 01:02:44,598 --> 01:02:47,769 they convinced me that nothing else in all literature 1061 01:02:47,805 --> 01:02:49,636 is just like the gospels. 1062 01:02:50,305 --> 01:02:52,537 Myths are like it in one way with its stories 1063 01:02:52,572 --> 01:02:55,241 of the miraculous, histories like it in another 1064 01:02:55,276 --> 01:02:58,077 with its attention to minute details, 1065 01:02:58,112 --> 01:03:01,380 but nothing is simply like it. 1066 01:03:01,415 --> 01:03:05,518 And no person is like the person depicted. 1067 01:03:06,285 --> 01:03:07,318 I'm sure there are many people 1068 01:03:07,387 --> 01:03:09,253 who believe themselves to be God. 1069 01:03:09,288 --> 01:03:11,827 Our hospitals are full of them. 1070 01:03:11,895 --> 01:03:14,096 Oh, come on Jack be serious. 1071 01:03:14,132 --> 01:03:16,161 No great moral teacher has ever made that claim 1072 01:03:16,229 --> 01:03:17,701 except Jesus, and you know it. 1073 01:03:17,769 --> 01:03:20,295 And he went on and on and on. 1074 01:03:20,331 --> 01:03:21,501 What do you mean? 1075 01:03:22,774 --> 01:03:24,436 Well, claiming to forgive sins 1076 01:03:24,471 --> 01:03:26,137 and that he himself is the injured party 1077 01:03:26,172 --> 01:03:27,473 in every transgression. 1078 01:03:27,509 --> 01:03:30,608 Look, in anyone else this would be thought silly. 1079 01:03:30,644 --> 01:03:32,947 Suppose you told me that two of your colleagues 1080 01:03:32,982 --> 01:03:34,082 had lost you a top professorship 1081 01:03:34,117 --> 01:03:36,613 by telling lies about your character. 1082 01:03:36,648 --> 01:03:41,452 And I replied "Freely forgive them both." 1083 01:03:41,488 --> 01:03:43,022 Would you not think this sheer lunacy? 1084 01:03:43,091 --> 01:03:44,191 It would be sheer lunacy. 1085 01:03:44,259 --> 01:03:46,428 Yet, even those who opposed Jesus 1086 01:03:46,463 --> 01:03:50,195 admitted that he expressed moral truth of depth and purity 1087 01:03:50,263 --> 01:03:53,196 full of wisdom and shrewdness. 1088 01:03:53,265 --> 01:03:55,599 Wisdom and shrewdness. 1089 01:03:55,634 --> 01:03:57,805 You make him sound like Solomon the great. 1090 01:03:57,840 --> 01:03:59,042 On the contrary, 1091 01:03:59,077 --> 01:04:00,474 history repeatedly calls him humble and meek. 1092 01:04:00,509 --> 01:04:03,005 Not that you want to notice that of course Jack. 1093 01:04:03,041 --> 01:04:04,941 Humility and meekness are the last things one would ascribe 1094 01:04:04,976 --> 01:04:08,383 to someone who makes claims worthy of being a megalomaniac. 1095 01:04:12,488 --> 01:04:16,122 The Great Knock taught me to shame inconsistency. 1096 01:04:16,157 --> 01:04:17,960 If Jesus' statements are false. 1097 01:04:17,996 --> 01:04:19,996 Christianity is of no importance. 1098 01:04:20,032 --> 01:04:23,793 If true, it is of infinite importance, 1099 01:04:23,829 --> 01:04:28,271 but one thing it cannot be is moderately important. 1100 01:04:30,105 --> 01:04:32,608 So what are you saying? 1101 01:04:33,444 --> 01:04:38,477 Simply that either this man was, and is, the son of God 1102 01:04:38,546 --> 01:04:42,285 or else he is a liar, a lunatic or a fraud, 1103 01:04:43,284 --> 01:04:44,581 but all this patronizing nonsense 1104 01:04:44,650 --> 01:04:46,487 about him being some great moral teacher, 1105 01:04:46,522 --> 01:04:50,392 it's not an option to us, nor was it intended to be. 1106 01:04:52,358 --> 01:04:54,229 I felt a resistance to this 1107 01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:57,893 almost as strong as my resistance to theism. 1108 01:04:57,928 --> 01:05:01,169 Every step from the absolute to spirit to God 1109 01:05:01,204 --> 01:05:04,274 was a step toward the more concrete. 1110 01:05:04,342 --> 01:05:08,870 And now to accept the incarnation that God became man 1111 01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,807 was a further step in the same direction. 1112 01:05:11,843 --> 01:05:15,285 Oh, this too was something I had not wanted. 1113 01:05:19,421 --> 01:05:22,286 I remember very well when, but hardly how, 1114 01:05:22,355 --> 01:05:24,888 the final step was taken. 1115 01:05:24,923 --> 01:05:27,858 I was being driven by my brother Warnie to Whipsnade Zoo 1116 01:05:27,893 --> 01:05:30,932 in the sidecar of a motorcycle one Sunday morning 1117 01:05:30,967 --> 01:05:32,896 in the autumn of 1931. 1118 01:05:33,731 --> 01:05:36,138 When we set out, I did not believe 1119 01:05:36,173 --> 01:05:39,139 that Jesus Christ is the son of God. 1120 01:05:39,174 --> 01:05:41,809 When we reached the zoo, I did, 1121 01:05:42,645 --> 01:05:46,844 I had not spent the journey in thought, or great emotion. 1122 01:05:47,747 --> 01:05:50,480 It was more like a man who, after a long sleep, 1123 01:05:50,516 --> 01:05:55,754 has become aware he is now awake. 1124 01:06:01,993 --> 01:06:06,702 My conversion shed new light on my search for joy. 1125 01:06:07,505 --> 01:06:11,340 The overwhelming longings that emerged from "Phantastes" 1126 01:06:11,409 --> 01:06:15,405 and my brother's toy garden were merely signposts 1127 01:06:15,440 --> 01:06:17,639 to what I truly desired. 1128 01:06:17,674 --> 01:06:20,282 They were not the thing itself. 1129 01:06:20,318 --> 01:06:23,682 I concluded that if I find in myself a desire 1130 01:06:23,718 --> 01:06:27,754 that no experience in this world could satisfy, 1131 01:06:27,790 --> 01:06:32,857 the most probable explanation, I was made for another world. 1132 01:06:34,926 --> 01:06:37,961 At present we're on the outside of that world, 1133 01:06:39,201 --> 01:06:41,030 the wrong side of the door. 1134 01:06:42,307 --> 01:06:45,740 We cannot mingle with the splendors we see, 1135 01:06:46,609 --> 01:06:49,839 but all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling 1136 01:06:49,875 --> 01:06:54,150 with the rumor that it will not always be so. 1137 01:06:54,185 --> 01:06:58,421 One day, God willing, we shall get in. 1138 01:07:02,425 --> 01:07:06,055 Meanwhile, the cross comes before the crown 1139 01:07:07,361 --> 01:07:09,993 and tomorrow is another morning. 1140 01:07:11,569 --> 01:07:15,064 A cleft has opened in the pitiless walls of this world, 1141 01:07:16,266 --> 01:07:21,037 and we have been invited to follow our great captain inside. 1142 01:07:23,612 --> 01:07:28,451 Following him is of course the essential point. 1143 01:07:30,450 --> 01:07:34,386 ♪ In the bleak midwinter ♪ 1144 01:07:34,421 --> 01:07:37,955 ♪ Frosty wind made moan ♪ 1145 01:07:39,828 --> 01:07:44,600 That Christmas, I took the short walk to my parish church. 1146 01:07:45,270 --> 01:07:48,735 That walk marked the end of one journey 1147 01:07:49,436 --> 01:07:51,705 and the beginning of another. 1148 01:07:53,912 --> 01:07:55,373 ♪ Snow had fallen ♪ 1149 01:07:55,408 --> 01:08:00,082 ♪ Snow on snow on snow ♪ 1150 01:08:00,117 --> 01:08:03,285 ♪ In the bleak midwinter ♪ 1151 01:08:03,354 --> 01:08:06,222 As I looked around, I thought not only 1152 01:08:06,257 --> 01:08:08,888 of my own potential glory hereafter, 1153 01:08:09,591 --> 01:08:12,660 but also that of my neighbor's glory. 1154 01:08:14,259 --> 01:08:18,059 It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods 1155 01:08:18,095 --> 01:08:20,601 and goddesses, to remember that the dullest, 1156 01:08:20,636 --> 01:08:24,570 most uninteresting person you meet may one day 1157 01:08:24,605 --> 01:08:27,202 be a creature that if you saw it now, 1158 01:08:27,237 --> 01:08:30,942 you would be strongly tempted to fall down and worship 1159 01:08:30,977 --> 01:08:35,414 or else a horror or a corruption such as you now meet, 1160 01:08:35,449 --> 01:08:38,686 if at all, only in a nightmare. 1161 01:08:40,787 --> 01:08:43,018 All day long, we are helping each other 1162 01:08:43,054 --> 01:08:47,662 to one or the other of these two destinations. 1163 01:08:48,831 --> 01:08:51,664 It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities 1164 01:08:51,699 --> 01:08:55,098 that I should now conduct all my dealings. 1165 01:08:58,868 --> 01:09:01,236 There are no ordinary people. 1166 01:09:02,674 --> 01:09:05,107 I've never met a mere mortal. 1167 01:09:05,143 --> 01:09:10,348 Nations, cultures, civilizations, these are mortal. 1168 01:09:10,850 --> 01:09:14,184 Their life is to ours as that of a gnat. 1169 01:09:14,954 --> 01:09:18,456 It is immortals whom we joke with, work with, 1170 01:09:18,491 --> 01:09:23,530 marry, snub, exploit. 1171 01:09:23,632 --> 01:09:28,203 The weight or burden of my neighbors glory 1172 01:09:28,238 --> 01:09:30,806 should be laid daily on my back. 1173 01:09:31,476 --> 01:09:36,711 A load so heavy, only humility can carry it. 1174 01:09:38,449 --> 01:09:42,145 And the backs of the proud will be broken. 1175 01:09:48,092 --> 01:09:52,390 ♪ What can I give him ♪ 1176 01:09:52,425 --> 01:09:57,099 ♪ Poor as I am ♪ 1177 01:09:57,134 --> 01:10:02,038 ♪ If I were a shepherd ♪ 1178 01:10:02,073 --> 01:10:06,702 ♪ I would give a lamb ♪ 1179 01:10:06,737 --> 01:10:11,509 ♪ If I were a wise man ♪ 1180 01:10:11,544 --> 01:10:16,251 ♪ I would do my part ♪ 1181 01:10:16,287 --> 01:10:21,320 ♪ Yet what I can I give him ♪ 1182 01:10:21,488 --> 01:10:24,726 ♪ Give him my heart ♪ 1183 01:10:36,541 --> 01:10:40,209 Christ our Passover is sacrificed for us. 1184 01:10:40,244 --> 01:10:43,041 Therefore let us keep the feast. 1185 01:10:44,983 --> 01:10:47,650 [solemn music] 1186 01:10:57,428 --> 01:11:00,289 The body of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1187 01:11:02,864 --> 01:11:06,229 Unlike my first communion, 17 years earlier. 1188 01:11:07,401 --> 01:11:08,935 I now believed. 1189 01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:22,916 [uplifting music] 1190 01:11:24,618 --> 01:11:26,387 Okay. Thanks very much. 1191 01:11:26,422 --> 01:11:28,188 That's a cut there. Thank you. 1192 01:11:28,257 --> 01:11:29,485 Thank you Max. 1193 01:11:29,554 --> 01:11:30,719 Thank you. 1194 01:11:30,755 --> 01:11:33,993 [people chattering] 1195 01:12:26,480 --> 01:12:29,180 [gentle music] 1196 01:12:34,213 --> 01:12:39,213 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull