1 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,240 SHE PANTS 2 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,197 Shouldn't drive with that - blind spot. 3 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,237 -Yeah, I know. -It's dangerous, Harold. 4 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,957 That's illegal. Oof. 5 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,200 SHE SIGHS 6 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,797 It's meant to commemorate Dad, but if we don't plant it soon, 7 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,957 it'll die, which would make it not a memorial of Dad, 8 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,957 -more of a re-enactment. -But today's not good, 9 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,717 because I've got Widow Club with Billie and Jean and Pamela. 10 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,757 -Pamela's not a widow. -I know, 11 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,597 but Jean worries that she's lonely. It's annoying. 12 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,277 -Sweet, though. -Yeah. 13 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,477 We have good fun, to be fair. 14 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,237 We have our own secret handshake, like the Masons. 15 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,157 -I'd like to see that. -Yeah, well, you can't. 16 00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,717 You're not a widow. 17 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,120 PHONE RINGS 18 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,837 -Pigfish has struck again. -Oh, no. Don't tell me. 19 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,477 I've got to buy him a chippy tea. 20 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,037 Neha, he's a criminal, not a stray cat. 21 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,477 I just want to keep him out of trouble. 22 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,357 He is the trouble. He puts petrol pumps up his arse. 23 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,717 It's a cry for help, Harry. If you did that, 24 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:19,397 would you want to be judged or cared for? 25 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,957 -I wouldn't do it. -You can't say that with any certainty. 26 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,917 I'd have to be at a pretty low ebb to start doing that. 27 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:24,997 And anyway, you know, 28 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,437 -petrol makes me sneeze. -Right, look, I'm going to be late. 29 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,597 Erm, can you pick the boys up tonight? 30 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,117 -Yeah. Of course. Yeah. -Good lad. Love you. 31 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,157 -I love you. Woof-woof. -Meow. 32 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,397 Woof-woof. 33 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,277 SHE SIGHS 34 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,717 -Tea, wasn't it? -Yes, please. -Well, we haven't got any bags, 35 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,037 so that's coffee. 36 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,477 Actually, we haven't got any milk, 37 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,960 so that's Yakult. 38 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,997 Do you mind if I stretch while we chat? 39 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,037 It's very important after jogging. 40 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,437 -Right, except you don't jog. -Of course I jog. 41 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,597 -You just saw me. -Are you joking? That was not jogging. 42 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,957 -What was it, then? -Walking. You were wearing furry slippers. 43 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,957 Harold, would you for once, for the love of God 44 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,397 and all that is holy, not find something to criticise? 45 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,677 Yeah, sorry. I mean, I did bring a list, 46 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,997 -but I guess that can wait. -But I'm very glad you're here. 47 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,717 Clearly. 48 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,557 I've got something for you. 49 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,518 Oh, no. You've not been to the charity shop again, have you? 50 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,957 Jesus Christ. 51 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:31,157 The money from your dad's life insurance 52 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,277 -finally came through. -In cash? 53 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,517 What did he do, take insurance out with a cartel? 54 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,517 No, that was my decision. 55 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:41,320 You know how I feel about the banks after what they did to Noel Edmonds. 56 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,520 There you are, £10,000. I'll get you a carrier bag. 57 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,120 My God. 58 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:56,080 Harold? What's wrong? Are you crying? 59 00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,917 Oh, sorry. I thought I was cheering you up. 60 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,677 What, by reducing my dad to a bag of cash? 61 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:05,600 Well, I was impressed by how much we got for him. 62 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,557 I didn't think I'd miss him like this. 63 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,917 It's just, you know, on TV shows, people say, 64 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,477 you know, "She's my mum, but she's also my best friend." 65 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,957 -Yeah. -Well, obviously we've never had that. 66 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,197 -Mm-hm. -And now he's not here, 67 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:26,437 I've realised Dad was my best friend. 68 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:31,037 Oh, Harold, you really should have friends your own age. 69 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,997 You're all right, though, aren't you? 70 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:37,837 Yeah. Sort of. I mean, the doctor's put me on anti-depressants. 71 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,437 -What? He hasn't. -It was a she, actually. 72 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,757 Harold, why have they done that to you? 73 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,557 You're not depressed, are you? 74 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,077 You've got nothing to be depressed about. 75 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,397 -Why didn't you come and talk to me? -It's not a big deal. 76 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,077 It's not. I mean, lots of people take them. 77 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,397 Yeah, but they're people from broken homes, 78 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,677 tattooed wackits with proper problems 79 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,437 like, um, Pigfish, you know Pigfish in town? 80 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,557 -Oh, yeah, yeah. -Yeah. 81 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,357 -You know that he puts petrol pumps up his...? -Yeah, I know. 82 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,077 Right. Did you know that Pamela has to clean off the nozzles? 83 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,237 If anyone should be on anti-depressants, it's her. 84 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,877 Hm. 85 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,120 I didn't know you felt like this. 86 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,120 I didn't know you felt anything. 87 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,077 Is it my fault? 88 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,637 No. 89 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,597 Maybe a bit is, you know, 85%. 90 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,637 But I can't pin it all on you. 91 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,000 No, because your dad deserves his fair share. 92 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,800 -Oh, Harold. -I'm sorry. -So am I. 93 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,440 What? 94 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,520 Nothing. I just... 95 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,717 SHE SIGHS 96 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,320 -Erm... -Mum? 97 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,200 Look. 98 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,120 -Can you keep a secret? -What is it? 99 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,480 Wait there. 100 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:27,720 Oh, my God. 101 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,837 Dad! 102 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,600 I didn't want to do it. 103 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:11,397 Now, you're probably wondering what's been going on. 104 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,037 -No, not at all. -Oh. 105 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,277 I think he's being sarcastic. 106 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,517 -Are you being sarcastic? -Of course I'm being sarcastic! 107 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,157 -Why didn't you tell me? -Well, we thought it best 108 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,317 to lie low until the money came through. 109 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,837 They're very nosy, those insurance people. 110 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,717 Yeah, some might say for good reason. 111 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,717 -Mm. Fair point. -You let me think you were dead for two months! 112 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,037 Yeah, we've been meaning to tell you, 113 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,997 -but it's been, ooh, a bit... -It's complicated. -..complicated. 114 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,077 -Yeah. -Has it? 115 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,277 Because right now you're acting like you forgot to put the bins out. 116 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,717 Oh, OK. We'll take that as feedback. 117 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,397 -Yeah. Did you put the bins out? -It's not Tuesday, is it? 118 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,117 Oh, William, have you missed the bins? 119 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,677 Oh, no, sorry. I thought it was Thursday. 120 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,837 -It is Thursday. -No, the bins go out on a Tuesday. 121 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,757 I don't know about your bins, but today is Thursday. 122 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,517 Is it? So we have missed the bins, then. 123 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,597 Stop talking about the bins. Please, stop! 124 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,117 -How are you alive? -Well, it's actually... 125 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,597 It's quite a funny story, really. 126 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,157 Tonight, on Border Force Australia... 127 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,317 It was a normal Wednesday evening. We'd been watching TV. 128 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,597 -Border Force Australia. -Have you seen it? 129 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,477 -It's very, very good. -So good. 130 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:19,317 Some of the stuff they try and smuggle in is extraordinary. 131 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,437 Especially, dare I say it, the Chinese. 132 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,877 -Oh, don't be racist. -I'm not being racist. -A bit. 133 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,957 Just fascinated by their ingenuity. 134 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:30,077 There's one couple who travelled all the way from Shanghai to Sydney 135 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:34,357 with 700 boiled eggs hidden in cuckoo clocks. 136 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,837 -What's all that about? -I don't care. 137 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:40,397 Oh. All right. Anyway, your mother went to make a cup of tea. 138 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:43,748 -I'll be the one who makes it, then, shall I? -Thank you very much. 139 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,317 -And? -And we didn't have any teabags. -You never have any bloody teabags. 140 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,997 -Don't swear. -Oh, please, just get on with it. 141 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,040 So I nip to the shops. 142 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,317 Should have checked your blind spot. 143 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,077 Oh, shut up, Harold. 144 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,317 When I got back, 145 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,917 your dad was completely zonked. 146 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,477 Out for the count. 147 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,157 It's my own silly fault, really, because sometimes I struggle 148 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,517 to remember when I've taken my Parky pills. 149 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,837 And that night, I was meant to take them at eight o'clock, wasn't I? 150 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:22,237 But then I remembered 151 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:25,440 that I'd forgotten to take them earlier in the day. 152 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:30,317 So I thought, "Aha, I'll take a double dose now and catch up." 153 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,397 Unfortunately, because of the Parkinson's, 154 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,077 what I'd forgotten to remember is that I'd actually not forgotten 155 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,157 to remember to take them earlier in the day. 156 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:40,797 In fact, I remembered earlier that I would 157 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,157 more than likely forget to take them later. 158 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,797 So I took a double dose earlier 159 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,517 in order to get ahead for when I forgot later, 160 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:53,797 which, all in all, long story short, I took 16 pills, 161 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,277 which, frankly, is enough to tranquillise a hippopotamus. 162 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,517 And that's a full-size one, not one of the pygmy ones. 163 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,997 Although they are lovely, aren't they? 164 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,077 You know, the little snouts and everything. 165 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,957 You know, the little snuffly noises. 166 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,720 HE SNUFFLES 167 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,557 Anyway, yes. He completely stopped breathing. 168 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:13,720 William... 169 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,117 William! Wake up. Don't be silly now. Stop it! 170 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,677 William. Erm... 171 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,077 Oh, look who's here. The girls are here. 172 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,280 Look, there's your favourites. Nyom, nyom, nyom. 173 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,397 No? 174 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,717 William, stop mucking about. 175 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,240 Susanna Reid's got a skirt on. 176 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:39,917 No? 177 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,600 William... 178 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:43,757 Oh, God. Oh, God. 179 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,477 So I called for an ambulance, but they were all busy. 180 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:49,317 We can't wait two hours! So then I called the GP. 181 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:53,437 Now, unfortunately, the GP around here is Dr Harper. 182 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,037 -Why unfortunately? -Because, since Covid, 183 00:09:56,120 --> 00:10:01,680 Dr Harper has developed very, very, very bad health anxiety. 184 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,917 -She's a doctor with health anxiety? -Yep. 185 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,677 Poor woman. Every working day her own personal Vietnam. 186 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,397 -I don't really want to touch him. -But he's... 187 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,037 -He's not breathing. -I really don't like doing these. 188 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,197 -What do you mean, these? -Dead bodies. 189 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,237 -He's dead?! -He looks it, doesn't he? -Well, I don't know! 190 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,957 -I'm not a doctor. -I'll double-check. What's he called again? 191 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,120 William. 192 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,480 William? Can you hear me? 193 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,000 William. 194 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,080 - SING-SONG: - William! 195 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,640 Yeah. No. 196 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,637 -Do you have the time? -What for? 197 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,400 For the form, time of... You know. 198 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,520 She's just crap. 199 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,677 WILLIAM YAWNS 200 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,837 Oh, did you manage to record the rest of Border Force? 201 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:24,517 I really want to know 202 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,080 why that man's cricket bag was full of live crabs. 203 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:29,837 What? 204 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,117 You massive twat! 205 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,597 It turns out I hadn't died. 206 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,237 No shit. 207 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,157 Why didn't you tell someone it was a mistake? 208 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,757 We tried. I was on hold with the GP 209 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,397 all bloody morning. 210 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,677 It's broken Britain, Harold. 211 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:48,157 Anyway, then I went over to see the, erm... Oh, what do you call it? 212 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,557 The house of death. The coffin shop. 213 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,797 -Funeral director. -Yes, yes. -Wait, why? 214 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:53,997 There was no body. 215 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,480 Well, you'd have thought that, wouldn't you? 216 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,277 He's dead. He can't speak. 217 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:03,917 -He can't tell you, can he? -I didn't lose it. 218 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,877 Well, somebody lost it. 219 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,997 -Good afternoon, madam. -Hello. I hope you can help me. 220 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,717 -It's about my husband. -Of course. Name? 221 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,277 -William Fendon. -William Fendon? 222 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,997 You see, the thing is, he's been declared dead and, erm... 223 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,877 I'm so sorry for your loss. 224 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,357 Would you excuse me for one very quick moment, please? 225 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,680 Thank you. 226 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,877 -Good news. -What? -I've found him. 227 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,997 -Who? -The bloke in there whose paperwork you lost. 228 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,117 -I didn't lose it. -You bloody did. Anyway... 229 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,397 INDISTINCT WHISPERING 230 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,437 Sorry about that. Would you like to see him? 231 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,037 -Who? -William. He's just through here. 232 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,597 No, no, that's the thing. See, William isn't dead. 233 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,797 No, of course. 234 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,757 Is that the death certificate? 235 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,637 Yes. See, that's what I was trying to tell you. 236 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,917 Bit of professional advice, get lots of copies. 237 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,797 You'll need them for the banks, savings, 238 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,760 and, of course, any life insurance policies. 239 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,640 So... 240 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,157 Erm... 241 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,640 Well, I suppose a quick peek wouldn't hurt. 242 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,320 I'll admit that was a bit naughty. 243 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,917 I hope you're happy with what we've done. 244 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,357 It's... 245 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,040 Well, yes, he looks lovely. 246 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,520 My darling William. 247 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,280 If you want to have a final moment with him, please go ahead. 248 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:53,877 No, that's all right. Thank you. 249 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,960 Please. I'm not here. 250 00:13:58,480 --> 00:13:59,960 OK. 251 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,037 There, there. 252 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,520 SHE EXHALES 253 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,637 Thank you, erm... 254 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,197 -Marcus. -..for this. 255 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,280 -It's an honour, Mrs Fendon. -Thank you. 256 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,760 Some people like to have a final kiss. 257 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:24,560 -Do they? -Yes. 258 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,320 Do they? 259 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,917 -Do they? -Oh, yes. 260 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,400 I'm not here. 261 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:35,960 Right. 262 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,840 Thank you for that. 263 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,957 They definitely do this, do they? 264 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,640 Mm-hm. Oh, yes. 265 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,080 OK. 266 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,077 -On the lips? -Exactly! 267 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,237 The things I do for this family. 268 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,520 Shubh Diwali. 269 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,757 Beautiful. 270 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,437 That's our special thing that we say. 271 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:12,717 We had a funeral! 272 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,357 Are you telling me we just cremated some old bloke we'd never met? 273 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,157 Yes, which actually isn't 274 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,317 much different from a lot of blokes' funerals, 275 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,320 not least my own father's. 276 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:23,557 This is too much. 277 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,277 Yeah, it's too much. 278 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,400 But, you know, when life gives you lemonade... 279 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,557 You don't go out anyway. 280 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,397 I know, but at least I've got the choice. 281 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,437 Well, you've had the choice for 68 years. 282 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,637 What are you going to start missing now? 283 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:42,877 Laser Quest? 284 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,557 -Popping round Geoff's for a coffee and a crumpet. -Who's Geoff? 285 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:51,037 Exactly! Geoff has lived in this village ever since we moved in. 286 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,997 And do you know what he'd say if I told him, 287 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,477 "Oh, William's died"? 288 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,237 Erm, "Oh, dear"? 289 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,837 No, he'd say, "Who's William?" 290 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,197 Because, my darling, 291 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,997 the wonderful thing about you is that you might as well have been dead 292 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,397 for the last 30 years. 293 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,877 In fact, the only person on this planet who's going 294 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,557 -to miss you is me. -Yeah. 295 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,797 -And Harry. -Well, yeah. 296 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,397 And the grandchildren. 297 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:15,557 Ooh. Oh-oh! 298 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,517 Let's not push it. 299 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,997 But that's the point, isn't it? 300 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,360 Imagine what that money could do for them. 301 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,637 -We've been model citizens, haven't we? -Yeah. 302 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,437 You know, we've paid our taxes. We've paid our bills. 303 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,960 We haven't been arrested... much. 304 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,837 And that ghastly insurance company. 305 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,637 Paid all that money all those years 306 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,357 and what did they say when you got your Parkinson's? 307 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,160 -It wasn't covered. -Yeah, exactly. 308 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,117 The game is rigged and we're... we're the goodies. 309 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,957 We followed all the rules and what have we got to show for it? 310 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,880 Sweet Fanny Adams's empty fanny, that's what. 311 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,037 In the middle of nowhere in this dingy house, 312 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,760 with a dodgy boiler and a garden full of fox shit. 313 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:07,477 SHE SIGHS 314 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,720 Is Geoff the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksie? 315 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,520 -No, that's Pigfish. -Oh. 316 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,997 HE SNIFFS 317 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,797 -It's insane. -Yes. 318 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,997 And I can understand why you might feel a bit put out. 319 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,037 -Put out? -I'm not emotionally switched on, am I? 320 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,077 And we did want that money for you 321 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,157 and Neha and the boys, so... 322 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,037 There's more where that came from. 323 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,920 Yeah, I know, I've seen the bag. 324 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,517 How much did you get? 325 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,317 250,000. 326 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,077 Jesus Christ, you've stolen a quarter of a million quid?! 327 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,717 We haven't stolen anything. 328 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,317 We have simply taken back what we paid in. 329 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,157 Yeah, well, plus a little bit more. 330 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,797 Well, don't be pedantic. Those were expenses. 331 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:54,197 You two are weapons-grade bonkers. 332 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,238 KNOCK ON DOOR 333 00:17:55,321 --> 00:17:56,277 Balls. 334 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,277 -That's Billie and Jean. -Shamone. 335 00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,837 Must you do that every time? 336 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,560 Better get upstairs, then. 337 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,477 -Oh, shit. -Cooee? 338 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,757 Don't swear, Mother. 339 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,277 Shut up, Harold, you patronising chode. 340 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,797 Chode? I don't think you know what that means. 341 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,757 We let ourselves in. Hope you don't mind. 342 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,717 No, no... Come on in. 343 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,877 -How are you? -Why am I in here? I'm alive. 344 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,557 Did you hear about Geoff at the Londis? 345 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,477 -No? -He fell head first into the croissant display cabinet. 346 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:28,877 And they don't know 347 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,797 whether it's the plastic of the case or a stale croissant, 348 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,237 but something sliced his face right up. 349 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,157 -Oh, Lord. -Yeah, he'll have a big scar now. 350 00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,717 He'll be unrecognisable. 351 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:42,677 Wouldn't a big scar on your face make you more recognisable? 352 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,877 "Which one's Geoff?" "The one with the big scar." 353 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,797 Oh, this is interminable. 354 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,877 No, it's not so bad. It's best when Pamela's not here. 355 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,397 -Why? -Because Billie's a narcoleptic and Jean's completely blind. 356 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,677 So when it's just the two of them and your mum, 357 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,117 I can be in there with them, eating the posh biscuits, 358 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,797 without any requirement to make conversations. 359 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,517 It's pretty good, really. 360 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,277 Well, surely they hear you munching. 361 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:11,157 No, because I suck all the chocolate off first, 362 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,920 and then I let the biscuit melt in my mouth. 363 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,917 Right. 364 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,680 BILLIE SNORES 365 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,597 I told Geoff he needs stitches, 366 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,237 but he can't go to the hospital now 367 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,237 cos they've ditched the Durston route. 368 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,917 Yeah, it's broken Britain, Jean. 369 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,717 And he can't afford a cab, so... 370 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,437 SNORING CONTINUES 371 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,280 Oh, hello. 372 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,037 -Can I use your bog, Deb? -Yeah, make yourself at home. 373 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,200 Thank you. 374 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,840 You'll regret saying that. 375 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,557 -Oh, that set me off. -What do you mean? 376 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,477 Well, once the idea of a pee's put in my head, 377 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,677 -I can't think about anything else. -Are you serious? 378 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,837 Once the wee-wee wolf is at the door, 379 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,477 he doesn't take no for an answer. 380 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,560 It's like a Jehovah's Wolf. 381 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,960 Mm. Poor old Geoff, eh? 382 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,080 Will you excuse me a minute? 383 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,040 SHE MOUTHS 384 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,280 TOILET FLUSHES 385 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,637 Where has she learnt that word? 386 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,305 She knows I'm sensitive about being of stocky stature. 387 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,120 -Dad? -Just a moment. 388 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,597 Ohhh. 389 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,040 TRICKLING 390 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,600 HE EXHALES 391 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,837 SQUEAKY FART 392 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:12,680 HE EXHALES 393 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,240 Oh, Dad. This is a low. 394 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:20,960 Mm. 395 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:31,677 Girls, would you mind dropping this in to Geoff on your way home? 396 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,117 Just a little contribution towards his taxi from me. 397 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,317 Oh, you're a good soul. 398 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,237 Well, no act of kindness is ever wasted. 399 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:41,437 It is on Geoff! 400 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,520 That'll all go on OnlyFans. 401 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:45,800 Hm. Yeah. 402 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,597 You're still there? What have you been doing all day? 403 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,117 -I can't even begin to explain. -Hang on. 404 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,717 -Two cod meals, please. -And a saveloy, battered. 405 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:00,957 And a pickled egg. 406 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,157 And a curry sauce. 407 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,437 And a can of pop. 408 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,357 And one of them choc brownies for afters. 409 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,637 Listen, please make sure you're back for bath, OK? 410 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,477 I can't face that alone. I'm feeling very touched out. 411 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,757 Why do you keep using that in the wrong context? 412 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,437 -I really feel it. -Harry, touched out is when you've spent 413 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,037 all day being terrorised by toddlers. 414 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,237 Yeah, I know. Believe me, I feel it. 415 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:21,360 Bye. 416 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:25,917 Right, I've got to go. 417 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,277 Oh, shame, cos we haven't had a chance to catch up, 418 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,477 -you know, as a family. -Oh, yeah. You want to catch up? 419 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,237 OK, cool. What's new? Well, let's see. 420 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,917 Well, in between mourning you, Dad, 421 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,797 and worrying about you, Mum, and being diagnosed with depression, 422 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,477 I did finally sign up for a Nectar card. 423 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,477 -So that's great, isn't it? -Oh, don't, 424 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,637 because your dad didn't get a chance to spend his points. 425 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:45,957 -Had enough for some wireless headphones. -Oh, what a shame. 426 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,077 Any other regrets? Like the lying? Faking your own death? 427 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,437 Spending no time with your grandchildren? 428 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,437 Well, you're always telling your mum what a nightmare they are. 429 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,917 Well, yeah, they are a nightmare, but they're our nightmare 430 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,437 and I'd be grateful to palm them off on you 431 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,557 from time to time. 432 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,597 Look, don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you're alive. 433 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,037 -Thank you. -I really, really am. 434 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,077 But I'm a bit concerned about your decision-making. 435 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,477 -Do you mean the Nectar points? -No, Mum, I mean him, 436 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,277 hiding in the loft like a geriatric Anne Frank. 437 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,717 And when he does come downstairs, 438 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,717 he pisses himself in the kitchen cupboard, 439 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,837 and then you just reward him with a pack of biscuits 440 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,757 like you're potty training a delinquent cockapoo. 441 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:20,237 I've wet myself in every supermarket in town, 442 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,797 including both Tescos - Metro and Express - 443 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,637 -and I'm actually rather proud of it. -Mm. 444 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,517 You could probably get a blue plaque for that. 445 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,957 Mum, Dad, please. Please, this is fraud. 446 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,037 You can go to prison. 447 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,677 That canoe couple, they went down for years! 448 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,397 Listen, we didn't start this. 449 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,877 I mean, granted, we didn't stop it either, 450 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,077 but, you know, who are we to argue with the NHS? 451 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,117 They're the ones who declared your dad dead. 452 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:46,997 And spare a thought for poor Dr Harper. 453 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,437 -She'd be mortified if she found out! -I've got to go. 454 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,997 Hey, hey, hey. You mustn't tell Neha. 455 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,717 You could put her career at risk. 456 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,440 Well, it's not me who's done that, is it? 457 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,400 FOOTSTEPS APPROACH 458 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,160 Oh, God. 459 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:17,200 Oh, I just wanted to say before you go... 460 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,800 ...do you think Nectar points are transferable post-mortem? 461 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,477 I'm just trying to lighten the mood. 462 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,357 It's not the time. Understood. 463 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,597 At least there's one positive from the secret being out - 464 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,557 I get to talk to you again. 465 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,277 I know we've put you in a tiny bit of an impossible situation, 466 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:40,757 but we'll respect whatever you decide. 467 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,557 Although, if your mother heard me say that, 468 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:43,797 she'd kill me. 469 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,437 -Again. -Yeah. 470 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,440 Yeah. Oh, and, er, sorry. 471 00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,117 Do take this. 472 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,197 Your mum told me your rent's gone up. 473 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,440 I mean, these landlords are bloody crooks, aren't they? 474 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,080 ENGINE STARTS 475 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,880 SIREN WAILS 476 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,037 There we go. 477 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:51,077 It's very shiny. Hope you didn't spend too much. 478 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,038 Well, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing properly. 479 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:57,357 Ah. 480 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:00,437 -Is that a magnolia? -Yeah. -Thought so. 481 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,237 That won't make it through winter. 482 00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,477 Catastrophic wood rot round here. 483 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,920 -Right. Thanks, Clive. -Yeah, you're welcome. 484 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,117 TV: - Remember that the very next bag might contain 485 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,800 highly illegal contraband. 486 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:21,517 At Brisbane Airport, one of the longest-serving X-ray operators 487 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,797 is Clarence McTier, 488 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:28,117 who has been scanning passengers' luggage since 1987. 489 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,160 And we're glad to say that he is back in remission. 490 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,077 -I can't believe he's actually gone. -I know. 491 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:36,760 Oh, I know. 492 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,480 Neither can we. 493 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,917 TV: - And so ends another eventful day on Australia's front line, 494 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,080 despite the best efforts of the devious and dishonest... 495 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:57,957 -Mrs, Fendon... -Yep. 496 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,637 -I want my money. -Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed. 497 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,237 Bloody hell, that's annoying. 498 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,837 Found that in my pocket at the bowls club last night. 499 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:07,877 -Who sent it? -I don't know! 500 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,437 What sort of friend blackmails her own mates? 501 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,557 We're not criminals, we're... We're Wallace and Gromit. 502 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:15,597 - NEHA: - You two might be, 503 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,797 but your mum's a penguin with a rubber glove on her head. 504 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:20,277 You and your parents need to stop being lunatics. 505 00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:23,757 I am your Great-Uncle Otto from Bavaria. 506 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,677 Promise me that you'll find this bastard 507 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,877 and nail his bollocks to his backside. 508 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:29,837 -Who are you? -Debbie Fendon. 509 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:31,397 We're a crime family. 510 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:34,397 Oh, don't be silly. Crime families kill people. 511 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:36,037 We're just a bit complicated, 512 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,720 like the Beckhams. Come on.