1 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,588 Holy forking shirtballs... 2 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,877 we're in the Good Place. 3 00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,797 Are we sure we're in the actual Good Place? 4 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,761 It's rather... carpeted. 5 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:17,345 Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys 6 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,384 wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts. 7 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,520 - What? - Don't. 8 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:22,679 No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. 9 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,184 Just take a deep breath. 10 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,108 Whoa. 11 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:30,020 That smells like Typhoon Falls, my favourite water park when I was a kid! 12 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:33,732 Mmm. Chlorine, sun tan lotion, Band-Aids 13 00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:36,447 and a thick cloud of teen hormones. 14 00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:39,218 When I was researching my fake Neighbourhood, I learned about this. 15 00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:42,119 The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest. 16 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,950 Warm pretzels. 17 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,580 Or, no, wait... 18 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,123 it's the smell of absolute moral truth? 19 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,652 Those two things have very similar smells. 20 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:54,511 I smell... Blake Bortles holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy 21 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,589 as Dan Patrick says, "This has to feel good, Blake" 22 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,424 and he says "It sure does, Dan. 23 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,053 And I owe it all to my best friend, Jason Mendoza." 24 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,230 Also weed. 25 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:09,526 Mmm, to me it smells like a curtain closing between first class and economy. 26 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,898 Oh! This truly is the Good Place! 27 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:15,406 I don't think we're in the main Good Place area. 28 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:18,906 This seems like this is some kind of a... mail depot. 29 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:22,288 So we're talkin' about mailmen now? From heaven? 30 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,457 Literally had that calendar, and I did not get past March. 31 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:26,544 - What? - Don't. 32 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,671 OK, there are two key things that we have to do. 33 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,749 - Make sure that no one can follow us. Janet? - On it. 34 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:37,340 What's the second thing we have to do? 35 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,472 Keep a low profile. 36 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:50,233 OK, if there's anyone in the building, here's our cover story. 37 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:53,236 I'm an accountant. Um, you are a Neutral Janet. 38 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,529 And you four... 39 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,114 won a contest. 40 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:58,525 - Really? - Really? 41 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,990 OK, not that. I-I'll come up with something better. 42 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:02,682 Well, why do we need a cover story at all? 43 00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:06,074 These are the good guys. Let's just come clean and request asylum. 44 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,409 Yeah, man, we're refugees. 45 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,085 What kind of messed-up place would turn away refugees? 46 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,463 The main thing I've learned about the Good Place 47 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,711 is that they never break the rules 48 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:18,712 no way to guarantee they wouldn't send you right down to the Bad Place. 49 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:20,551 What the heck is going on in there? 50 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,346 Oh! Hi, there! Um, I'm an accountant. 51 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:26,427 We're coming from Accounting, um... 52 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,976 and as we were, uh, climbing through the... 53 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:31,183 the mailbox, it... it blew up! 54 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,480 Uh... The explosion was caused by demons. 55 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,236 We were being chased by demons. 56 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,023 And a Dracula! There was a Dracula chasing us. 57 00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:40,700 Was there, though, Jason? 58 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:41,827 Yeah. 59 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,662 Maybe Drac blew up the mailbox! With his bazooka. 60 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,243 Well, geez Louise, I'm sure glad you're OK! 61 00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:53,747 My name's Gwendolyn. Welcome to the Good Place! 62 00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:57,008 I'm Michael, and, uh, this is my Neutral Janet. 63 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,168 Hello. Also, not hello. 64 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:02,214 It's nothing to meet you. End of statement. 65 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:05,137 OK. And these four here are humans. 66 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:06,560 If you can believe it! 67 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,722 "If" I can believe it! 68 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,805 Watch this - I believe it! 69 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,185 Why are they here? 70 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,226 Because they won a contest. 71 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,739 Congratulations, guys! 72 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,359 Come on in! 73 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:25,069 This is the correspondence centre. 74 00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:29,036 Make yourselves at home. There's a sofa, that's a bowl of fruit... 75 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:32,540 that's the door to the Good Place... ooh, there's a fun paperweight 76 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,169 shaped like a little hat! 77 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:38,834 I'm sorry, uh... this right here is... is the door to, um, the Good Place? 78 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:43,255 Well, it's a door to the Good Place, but it won't open for you guys, though. 79 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:46,641 The only door for humans is the Official Entrance 80 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:49,177 which is 500 trillion miles north-south-north of here. 81 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:51,228 So you're kinda just stuck inside. 82 00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,023 Wow. 83 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:57,189 It's really weird that you guys won a contest to be in this building... 84 00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:01,777 Um, you know, take that up with the folks at Weird Contest Magazine. 85 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,442 Hey, why don't we help you clean up the mess in the mailroom? 86 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,111 Wow, thanks! Did I win a contest? 87 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,540 Chidi and I will be right there! 88 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,549 - Chidi, help me! - She said it's not gonna open. 89 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:17,715 Fine. 90 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,095 Eleanor! 91 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,679 What? This is how I always got out of escape rooms. 92 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,258 If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out! 93 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:29,875 Is everything OK in there? 94 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,189 Yep! 95 00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,352 OK! No follow-up questions! 96 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,807 Hey there, Smashy. 97 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:38,101 Before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps 98 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:41,438 - you have anything you need to talk about? - I can't take this anymore, man. 99 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,648 All the running, and hiding, and fighting 100 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:46,780 and this whole insane journey, and now all that stands between us 101 00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,911 and the actual Good Place is one door! 102 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,655 What is that, two inches thick? 103 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:55,042 That's like four Oreos! We're four Oreos from heaven! 104 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,869 I know, I know, I know. 105 00:04:57,214 --> 00:05:01,675 It's an insane situation, but I am right here with you. 106 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,051 So, let's take a deep breath. 107 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,139 - Mm... - Hm. 108 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,098 OK. 109 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,137 The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping. 110 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,645 How? 111 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,187 - Mm... - Why? 112 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,557 - Say, Gwendolyn. - Hm? 113 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,815 I need to speak with the Committee, regarding an urgent matter. 114 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:23,521 Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly 115 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,447 and that's definitely against the rules. 116 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,492 I see. 117 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:30,244 How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules? 118 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,904 Well, by calling them on that phone! 119 00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:33,951 - But I can't let ya use it. - Right. 120 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,959 And even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number 121 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,252 and you wouldn't tell me. 122 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,704 I couldn't! 123 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,130 There are no numbers. 124 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,833 You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want! 125 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:46,044 But, you can't use it. 126 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,253 Of course not! 127 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,342 - Just as a hypothetical... - Mm-hm? 128 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:53,309 Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone? 129 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,052 Any kind of alarm? 130 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,311 Golly, no! 131 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,439 So it's entirely untraceable? 132 00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,441 Sure is! 133 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,149 What a fun thought experiment! 134 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,060 - You said it, Gwendolyn. - Uh-huh. 135 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:07,068 Oh, sorry, is that a dog barking in another room? 136 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,325 I doubt it, because I don't have a dog. 137 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:13,572 But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check! 138 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,491 Hello? Doggie? 139 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,539 My name is Michael. I'm an Accountant. 140 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,955 I need to speak with the Committee, immediately 141 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,711 on the top floor of the Correspondence Centre. 142 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,093 Thank you. 143 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,340 Jason, you seem thoughtful 144 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,392 and that concerns me. 145 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,225 Do you remember that one time, when we were in Janet's void 146 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,889 and we all looked like Janet? 147 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,191 I do, yes. 148 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,652 You know how I saw that thing about how Janet loves me? 149 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:49,107 I don't know how I feel about her, and also I feel bad that I sort of, like 150 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,404 read her diary, and she doesn't know. 151 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,825 - What should I do? - Well, perhaps you should tell Janet 152 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,534 what you saw, and start a dialogue about your feelings. 153 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:02,962 Who knows if a relationship will take hold, but you must begin from a place of honesty. 154 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,334 Thanks, Tahani. 155 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,546 It's nice to know I can talk about girls with my wife. 156 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,095 Hey, Janet! 157 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,889 Uh, so, do you remember how you killed us and brought us into your void? 158 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:14,975 I do, yes. 159 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:20,184 When we were in there, I was wandering around because you have the ability to make anything 160 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,356 and I wanted to see where you keep the rollerblades 161 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:26,485 and I accidently saw that video thing about how you love me. 162 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,276 You saw that? That's so embarrassing. 163 00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:32,943 I mean, it kinda freaked me out at first. But, hey, let's talk about it. 164 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,274 I don't want to talk about this. 165 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:38,498 You guys were in my void and it was exhausting and I almost blew up 166 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:42,034 and I have to be neutral, and Neutral Janets don't have feelings... 167 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,244 How's it going in here? 168 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,168 It is going neutrally. End of conversation. 169 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,294 - Can we... - End of conversation. 170 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:51,377 You got one shot, buddy. 171 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:56,637 Be clear, be confident, and don't let them intimidate you. 172 00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,885 Oh, wow! 173 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,519 - Wow, this place is very cool! - Have you guys ever been here before? 174 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,450 - I have never been here before! - No, no, no. 175 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,235 I love it! So charming! 176 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:12,073 Hello, everyone, I'm Michael. Thank you for coming. 177 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,616 No, thank you for asking us to come! 178 00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:19,622 It is one of the great honours of my eternal life to be invited here 179 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,158 by you, today, for this momentous occasion. 180 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:23,293 Now... 181 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,620 Who are you, and why are we here? 182 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:31,422 Well, in a nutshell, I believe that the Bad Place has somehow infiltrated 183 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:35,175 the Accounting Department, and is tampering with the points system. 184 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:38,140 My goodness. That would be a disaster. 185 00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,976 Everyone, focus up. Meg, you take notes. 186 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,850 Daisuke? Open a secure channel to headquarters. 187 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:47,149 Kellen? Head to the farmer's market and grab us fresh peaches. 188 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:48,775 I think pluots are in season. 189 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,152 Well, then get pluots, Kellen. 190 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,901 Get as many pluots as can fit in your tote bag. 191 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:54,573 We are gonna be here a while. 192 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,740 Brought you some water. Well, I mean there's not a kitchen 193 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:02,619 but I found this kind of glowing bowl, with liquid in it? 194 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,631 Maybe it was a toilet. I'm gonna throw this out. 195 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,711 What are you doing? 196 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:09,672 Trying to jimmy the lock, but everything I stick in here just turns to glitter. 197 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,750 - Ugh! - Alright, forget about the door, look at me. 198 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,673 Right now, we're together 199 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:18,131 in heaven, basically, and we're in love. 200 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:21,759 Compared to some of the other stuff that's happened to us, it could be worse. 201 00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:26,146 I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats". 202 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,683 Oh, check it out, straight through my sweatshirt. 203 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,024 Cool. Hey! I have an idea to take your mind off the door. 204 00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:33,612 - Let's go on a date. - What? 205 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:39,031 No, I'm serious. Why not have our first date four Oreos away from paradise? 206 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:42,042 You still wanna go out with me after I just showed you my anxiety sweats? 207 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,119 Man, you must really be into me. 208 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:49,253 You have to admit, it's very odd that no one has gotten into the Good Place 209 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,754 for 500 years. 210 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,672 Mm, well, there've been dips before. 211 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:55,801 Remember, like, 200,000 years ago when they invented stabbing 212 00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,837 and they were all just, like, stabbing each other? 213 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,048 Again, I urge you to look at Doug Forcett. 214 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:05,345 The man has lived a selfless life, and he's not even close to getting in. 215 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:10,896 The only explanation is that the Bad Place has somehow rigged the system. 216 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:15,776 I wouldn't put it past them. Every single Bad Place employee is a disgusting monster. 217 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,824 Well... some of them are probably cool 218 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,864 handsome, "man-about-town" types. 219 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:25,827 Committee! Michael the Accountant has brought us evidence of a problem 220 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,576 and now it is up to us to find a solution. 221 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:32,004 While you wait, Kellen will stand by you, showering you with compliments. 222 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:35,590 Great job, Michael. You are such a good speaker. 223 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,628 This suit is very flattering. You have a lot of gravitas. 224 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:42,640 I thought I was going to be annoyed by this, but it... it's wonderful. 225 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:45,643 Your jawline is extraordinary. You're a nice height. 226 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,640 Your energy is electric. 227 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,808 I gotta say, it's been really nice having a little company. 228 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,313 It's nice to be here. 229 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:57,609 And it's not nice, to not be there. 230 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,443 So, how'd you two meet? Was it through the contest? 231 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,326 Tahani and I met in brain school 232 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,826 and then we got married, because nothing mattered. 233 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:09,413 And you're both so attractive! Are all humans as attractive as you two? 234 00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,037 - No. - Oh! Fantastic. 235 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:16,590 Say, Jason, can you help me get more wicker baskets from the other room? 236 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:17,712 Sure thing. 237 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,406 I'm so sorry, darling, this is all my fault. 238 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,343 I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw. 239 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,516 You saw that too? 240 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,975 No. 241 00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:30,520 Jason knows that I love him, it stinks to hear about how the two of you are married 242 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,975 this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin 243 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,394 and if I don't remain "neutral" in front of Gwendolyn 244 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,673 she's gonna know we've been lying! 245 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,297 All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me 246 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,032 which might be super embarrassing! 247 00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,614 What if they come out my butt? 248 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:51,582 Whoa! Champagne! 249 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,522 Found it in the cupboard. I think it was a gift. 250 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,900 I feel kinda bad. What if it was for something really important? 251 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,541 "Gwendolyn, here's some champagne for you for thanking me 252 00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:01,381 for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me 253 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,795 for the champagne you sent me." 254 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,505 Pop that bench. 255 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,016 This is my kind of scrappy fun. 256 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:11,387 Sneaking around with a boy, trying not to get caught... 257 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:15,437 I know, it's like when my parents would go to a symposium 258 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:19,403 and I would sneak into their office and read the unabridged dictionary. 259 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,398 I can't believe I'm attracted to you. 260 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:23,492 You are, though. 261 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,971 I'm not worried about that anymore. You blew it when you admitted it to me. 262 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,934 You still thinking about what's on the other side of that door? 263 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,324 Not really, no. 264 00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:34,209 Because you're here with me, on this side. 265 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:40,629 I have... one more little surprise for you. 266 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,296 OK, open 'em. 267 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,347 Holy forking fork. 268 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:48,883 What do you think? 269 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,138 Oh, no, you're crying! 270 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:55,981 I assume it's because you're happy? 271 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,641 Or horny? Is this a horny-cry? 272 00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:00,903 No! I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault. 273 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,314 - Why! Do you not like the outfit? - I love the outfit! 274 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:06,572 You look amazing! And this sucks, and I'm furious! 275 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:09,870 And I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you! 276 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:17,378 In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action. 277 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,630 Wow. 278 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,919 Can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that. 279 00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:25,632 We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this. 280 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:27,509 And we are fast-tracking the process. 281 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,675 It'll take no more than 400 years. 282 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,602 - Sorry? - It's aggressive, but you heard right. 283 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:38,395 We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team. 284 00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:41,311 Wait, 400 years just to form the team? 285 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,688 I was thinking that we could do something... now-ish. 286 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:47,484 - Like, right now. - Michael, we have rules, procedures. 287 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:51,202 - We're the Good Guys. We can't just do stuff! - No. 288 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,955 Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organising 289 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,209 a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate... 290 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,795 Themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest. 291 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,631 And that will take 1,000 years. 292 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,675 OK. 293 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,632 Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this 294 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:13,972 the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place. 295 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,179 Which is everyone! 296 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,104 And that deeply concerns us. 297 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,275 Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are? 298 00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:24,061 - We're taking this very seriously. - Hear, hear. 299 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:27,114 Ooh, Kellen. Did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum? 300 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,324 No. Sincerest apologies. 301 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,737 I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately. 302 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,252 Hey, you two. I think I may have solved one part of our little problem. 303 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,543 I made up a "Death Did Us Part" certificate 304 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:48,298 explaining that since Jason and I are dead, we are officially no longer fake-married. 305 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:52,006 I know it's not your main concern, but whatever part of you was vexed 306 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,347 by our silly arrangement, you can now both relax. 307 00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:59,772 I can tell by your silence and inability to make eye contact with me 308 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,728 that I've knocked it out the park. 309 00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:02,892 It's a nice gesture. 310 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:06,236 I feel both pitied and put on the spot, so... 311 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:07,989 that's fun. 312 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,901 And it's a cool reminder of how I'm... dead. 313 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,615 Well, forget it! Never mind. 314 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,282 Misfire. Watch this! 315 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,581 There. Cancelled. 316 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,709 - So, you and I are married again? - No, we're not. 317 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:21,837 Um... 318 00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,959 Eugh! 319 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,590 It's OK. 320 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,585 Cry as long as you want. 321 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,340 I'm going to. 322 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:36,134 Cos my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favourite movie theatre. 323 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,886 It's a really weird incentive to keep crying. 324 00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,521 Ugh. Relationships are stupid. 325 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:44,066 You're scared you're never gonna have a real one 326 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,020 and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away. 327 00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:50,940 Here's an idea, what if we don't worry about whatever comes next? 328 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:54,573 There's a quote I like by Tolstoy. 329 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:58,113 "There is only one time that is important. 330 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,995 Now. It is the only time..." 331 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,709 "...when we have any power." 332 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,120 I know that quote. 333 00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:07,461 An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram. 334 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,505 Well, now I hate it. 335 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:15,806 There is another quote, first spoken by a very wise 336 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:21,437 very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher 337 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,222 "You gotta try." 338 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,150 Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but... 339 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,653 I think it applies to relationships too. 340 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,109 I've got an idea of something we could try. 341 00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:33,652 Great! What? 342 00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,119 Oh! 343 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,862 Wait, I-I think I know... 344 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:39,739 Well, I don't wanna assume. 345 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:43,876 What if we both write down what we think you mean... 346 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,536 - What if we didn't? - OK, ooh, ah... 347 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,673 Michael? 348 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,213 How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us? 349 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:56,217 The Committee is a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. 350 00:16:56,307 --> 00:17:01,302 The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. 351 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,187 How much more evidence do they need? 352 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,066 The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system! 353 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,101 There's no other explanation. 354 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,940 Can I ask you an unrelated question? 355 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,650 Absolutely not! The fate of all of humanity is at stake 356 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,158 and time is running out! 357 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:20,789 Go ahead. 358 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:24,120 I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings 359 00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,909 but everything I do makes it worse. 360 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:29,122 You know them better than anyone else, how do I just make them happy? 361 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,877 How do you make Jason happy? 362 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,176 You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer. 363 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,010 You'd think it'd be that simple 364 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:39,841 but every time I do something nice, it backfires. 365 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:44,136 There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions. 366 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,181 It feels like a game you can't win! 367 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:48,817 That's it. 368 00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:52,023 There is another explanation. 369 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,735 Unintended consequences. Oh, Tahani... you did it! 370 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,277 Well, of course I did, darling! 371 00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,287 Did what? 372 00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,496 All along, I've only been looking at one Doug 373 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:05,328 but there's... millions of Dougs in here. 374 00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:11,584 In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England 375 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:14,249 gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. 376 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,835 He picked them himself, walked them over to her 377 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,592 she was happy, boom, 145 points. 378 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,637 Now... Yeah, here we go. 379 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:28,062 In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland 380 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,480 also gave his grandmother a dozen roses 381 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:34,482 but he lost four points! 382 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:39,821 Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell-phone that was made in a sweatshop 383 00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:45,785 the flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers 384 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:50,707 delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint 385 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:53,873 and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO 386 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:58,131 who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! 387 00:18:58,262 --> 00:18:59,378 Woo! 388 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,805 That is a very odd thing to cheer. 389 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:04,759 Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points. 390 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:08,929 They don't have to! Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated 391 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,099 and being a good person gets a little harder. 392 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,052 - Gather the others. We have a lot to do. - But we really didn't deal with my thing... 393 00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:17,906 OK. 394 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,365 I'll just... figure it out. 395 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:25,822 Janet, I owe you an apology. I'm very sorry I meddled. 396 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:28,999 Truly, I was only trying to help, because I want you two to be happy 397 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,911 and because, well, I love you. 398 00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,834 I really do. I love you both. 399 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:39,001 Oh no! I'm sorry, did I say something wrong again? 400 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:42,008 No, I'm just crying because you're such a nice and thoughtful friend 401 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,106 and the emotions aren't coming out of my butt 402 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,861 they're coming out of my eyes, which is somehow just as embarrassing. 403 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,602 Why are you crying? 404 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:51,767 I don't know. I'm British, I... I... I never cry. 405 00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:55,525 But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry! 406 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,477 And also, this is less important 407 00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,984 but the carpeting is really disgusting. 408 00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:01,990 Oh! 409 00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,529 Why are you crying? 410 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,115 I just like being a part of things! 411 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,038 Oh... 412 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:16,375 Two humans and a Neutral Janet crying? In the Good Place? 413 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:20,672 I've never been suspicious of anyone, but I think that's about to change... 414 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,555 Oh, no reason to be suspicious! I-I promise you, we've done nothing untoward. 415 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,553 What's up, fartfaces? Chidi and I just had sex in a closet. 416 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:32,062 Michael, have you all been lying to me this whole time? 417 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:35,645 That upsets me! I'm gonna try to shake my fist at you! 418 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,276 D'oh, gosh darn it! 419 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:41,359 I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge. 420 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:43,736 Don't bother. I already did. 421 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:46,986 Hey, Frogman. 422 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,992 The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP. 423 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,950 So this is the Good Place, huh? Hm. 424 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,586 Smells like frogs. 425 00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,543 Cool. Let's go. 426 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:01,758 Sorry, did he just say we're going to IHOP? 427 00:21:02,136 --> 00:21:03,217 - Yes. - Tight! 428 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,636 No, not tight. 429 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:08,762 The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe. 430 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:09,934 Then why are we going? 431 00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:11,726 To save humanity. 432 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,929 Great, any chance I could change real quick? 433 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,806 - Nope. - Cool. 434 00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:22,729 Bye, guys! Nice to meet you!