1
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:07,548
Wow!
2
00:00:07,591 --> 00:00:09,423
Oh, Janet!
3
00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:11,380
You did it!
You brought us into your void!
4
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,795
- If I had a heart, it would be pounding!
- Michael...
5
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:17,428
You'd think there'd be side effects, but...
I feel great.
6
00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:19,012
How's the hair? Is it still amazing?
7
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:22,595
Michael, there may have been some
side effects for the humans.
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,858
Huh.
9
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:29,186
Dude. Why are there so many Janets?
10
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:33,023
- And why do I sound like Janet?
- You also look like Janet.
11
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,283
Do I?
12
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,447
Why? What?
13
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,371
What is happening?
14
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:41,785
Oh, no.
15
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:42,833
Am I...
16
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:44,868
wearing a vest?
17
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,246
Ooh! Michael, help me!
18
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,465
This is gonna be tricky.
How do we even tell them apart?
19
00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:53,213
Oh!
20
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,461
OK. That one's Jason.
21
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,179
I can't put the humans back
in their own bodies
22
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:07,520
so I've done the next best,
but still not that great, thing!
23
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,234
A high-neck sleeveless?
24
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,437
I suppose this outfit will do.
25
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:16,696
Are you sure? I mean, wearing
a floral print to an infinite void
26
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,614
at this time of the nothing?
27
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,037
So, where are we, exactly?
28
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:24,412
- We're not on Earth, right?
- That's correct, Chidi-Janet, you're not.
29
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,419
Your real bodies dematerialised
when you entered my void
30
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:31,376
and your essences reconstituted themselves
in this form.
31
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:32,752
Cool, cool.
32
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:34,835
And when you say "void"...?
33
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,420
Oh, I mean a sub-dimension
outside of space and time
34
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:41,056
at the nexus of consciousness and matter,
tethered to my essence.
35
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,144
Does that help?
36
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,431
It does not help.
37
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,977
Makes it way worse.
38
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,560
I just wanna lie down.
39
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,016
Where is down?
40
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,102
I found it! It's up here.
41
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,520
It's dope!
42
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:55,693
I have an idea.
43
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,485
Sweet! I call sofa!
44
00:01:57,576 --> 00:02:00,535
Janet's void has a back door
to the Janet Warehouse
45
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:03,822
in the Neutral Zone,
which is right near Accounting.
46
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:08,497
You four will stay here
while actual Janet and I sneak through it
47
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:12,088
- and find the Head Accountant.
- But Michael, why can't we go with you?
48
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:15,133
Well, you just "died," which means
you're the first humans in history
49
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:17,464
to not immediately
go to the Good or Bad Place
50
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:20,801
which in turn makes you
interdimensional fugitives.
51
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,139
So, that's neat.
52
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:25,559
Also the Judge is probably
still pissed at me for, you know
53
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,184
breaking all the rules,
and she might take it out on you.
54
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,140
Plus, the Bad Place
is probably hunting for us.
55
00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:34,311
So, literally the entire universe
is against you.
56
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:36,195
OK, but what's a fourth really good reason?
57
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:40,362
Jeez. Just trying to lighten the mood.
Tough void.
58
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,616
Now, Janet and I will pose
as Good Place employees
59
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,247
and sweet-talk the Accountant
into showing us his books.
60
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:51,586
If I'm right, we will find proof
that the Bad Place is tampering
61
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:52,874
with the points system.
62
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:55,753
The Accountant will tell us what to do,
and this will all be over.
63
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:57,667
We're almost at the end, guys.
64
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:01,300
Just stay here and keep Janets' heads
on straight.
65
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,507
Bye!
66
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:08,219
Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
67
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:09,474
That's a Neutral Janet.
68
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,601
She's sort of the black sheep
of the Janet world.
69
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,565
Or the blank sheep, I guess.
70
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:16,193
Ooh, I can throw shade now! That's cool!
71
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,446
You've arrived at the Accounting office.
72
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,734
All point calculations for actions
taken on Earth are made here.
73
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,286
- End of conversation.
- My name is Michael.
74
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,911
I need to speak with the Head Accountant,
on official Good Place business.
75
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,284
I will inform the Head Accountant
of your presence
76
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:34,374
and he either will or will not see you
in a certain amount of time.
77
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,000
End of conversation.
78
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:37,842
Wow.
79
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,845
Good thing your "void" plan worked out, huh?
80
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,626
♪... believe in life after love? ♪
81
00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:50,146
Oh...
82
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,764
having four humans in my void is weird.
83
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:53,983
Ah.
84
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,558
This is nuts.
85
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:58,774
We're in a void,
in the body of a white lady...
86
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,264
- Not a lady.
- Not a lady, darling.
87
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:01,323
But we are white!
88
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,070
Let's all say white people things!
89
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,160
"Billy Joel!"
90
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,530
"I found it on Etsy."
91
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,036
"There was nowhere to park!"
92
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,621
"Did you refill the Brita?"
93
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,622
I find this void quite calming, actually.
94
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:14,331
It's like, this time, the Xanax took me.
95
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,836
Oh, I have the worst stomach ache.
96
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,458
Dude, relax.
97
00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,292
Here, let me see if I can figure this out...
98
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,177
Oh!
99
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,759
Wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that?
100
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,306
I dunno. We're Janets now.
101
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,392
So, I thought we'd have some bitchin'
Janet powers.
102
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,723
What just happened? What did you do?
103
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,938
Sorry, I'm just trying to help Chidi calm...
104
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,599
The structural integrity of this void
is already at risk.
105
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,893
You can't start
randomly conjuring up objects.
106
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,861
Or it might shatter the void!
107
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,108
Yes, it might!
108
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,400
It might make everything blow up
and we'll all disappear forever!
109
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:46,494
Mwah!
110
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:47,952
So, stop it!
111
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:53,620
Everything OK?
112
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:54,835
Nope!
113
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,499
- Well...
- The Head Accountant has decided to see you.
114
00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,255
This will happen now. End of conversation.
115
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,426
Hi.
116
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,428
Hey-oh!
117
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,053
Ha, there they are. Good to see you.
118
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,597
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Neil, Head Accountant.
119
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,549
You must be Janet and Michael.
120
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,059
Yes.
121
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,387
Can I just say,
I really depreciate you coming.
122
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,807
Eh? Little bit of Accounting humour.
123
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:18,937
- Ha!
- Yeah.
124
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,729
- So, what can I do for you?
- Well, I'm concerned about certain...
125
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,693
anomalies, in the points system.
126
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:28,485
I'm worried that somehow,
the Bad Place has been tampering.
127
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,824
Tampering? No, no, no. Quite impossible.
128
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,081
Laughable, really.
129
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,161
Janet, can you remind me
to laugh at that later?
130
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:37,289
Your amusement has been scheduled.
End of conversation.
131
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:39,829
She's a lot of fun.
132
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,040
Could you just humour us though?
133
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:45,133
- Show us how the system works?
- Uh...
134
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,989
well, I suppose I could give you
a quick tour.
135
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,346
We don't get a lot of visitors. Follow me.
136
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:54,389
Eleanor! How'd you know I always
wanted a dog like this?
137
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:58,397
Funny story, it's one of the things I saw
in the alternate timeline
138
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:02,151
where we were soulmates on and off
for 300 years.
139
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:06,610
- Maybe we should talk about that?
- Well, I... suppose we can
140
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:09,025
but there's not that much to talk about.
141
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:13,329
The things you saw weren't part of my life,
so they didn't happen to me.
142
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,662
The hell are you talking about, man?
Of course it was you. I saw it.
143
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,999
Well, it was a Chidi, sure,
but it wasn't me Chidi.
144
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:23,422
This is a classic philosophical question,
the concept of "the self"
145
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,466
or "who we are"
146
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:28,006
philosophically speaking,
there's the Chidi I am
147
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,092
who lived a certain life,
and there's the Chidi you saw
148
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:36,018
your soulmate, or whatever,
who had some entirely different life.
149
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,207
Not the same Chidis.
150
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,268
I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, I get it.
151
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:43,017
Counterpoint, that's the dumbest thing
you've ever said
152
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,436
and you do not deserve a puppy!
I'm un-blooping your puppy!
153
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,859
Things are getting cuter
and I want them to get less cute!
154
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,583
So, this is the main feed.
155
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,995
Every action, by every human on Earth
156
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:05,540
is recorded and then sent here
to be assigned a point value
157
00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:08,172
based on the absolute moral worth
of that action.
158
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:12,760
For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan
just decided to have a destination wedding.
159
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,390
Negative 1,200 points.
160
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,718
Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding.
161
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,144
Negative 4,300.
162
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:23,437
The theme's Lord of the Rings.
They're basically doomed.
163
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:25,025
Ah! Here's fun.
164
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:28,650
This means that someone has just done
something which has never been done before.
165
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:33,284
Richard Moore of Sugarland Texas,
hollowed out an eggplant
166
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:36,238
and filled it with hot sauce and nickels.
167
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,740
And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing!
168
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:42,001
99% percent of all new human behaviours
are weird sex things
169
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,207
but not in this...
oh, no it is a weird sex thing.
170
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,039
Well, then we zip that over
to the relevant departments.
171
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,591
In this case, Anastasia
in the Stuffed Vegetable Department
172
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,094
we've got Hector over in American Coins
173
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,513
and my dear buddy Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
174
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,425
I'm still waiting on a response
to the request I filed
175
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:58,885
for immediate suicide?
176
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,269
Request denied.
177
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,555
I love Matty! He's hilarious.
178
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:07,068
So, they now examine the action,
its use of resources
179
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,894
the intentions behind it
180
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,399
- its effects on others...
- Correct, and you end up with this.
181
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,277
And here is why tampering is impossible.
182
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:20,448
Because this score is then double-checked
by three billion other accountants
183
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:21,744
all chosen at random
184
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:25,753
and if they all come to the same conclusion,
which they always do
185
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:26,913
it makes this official.
186
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,169
Anyone who does this same action
in the exact same way
187
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,708
loses this many points.
188
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:34,462
When people die, their biographical history
and final point totals
189
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,176
are sent to the relevant destination.
190
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,098
This batch is going to the Bad Place.
191
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,058
Thank you, Doris.
192
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,810
The system is flawless
and tampering is quite impossible.
193
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:49,860
I see. Could we look at one specific file,
though, just to make sure?
194
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,689
Oh... Who do you wanna see? Genghis Khan?
195
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:53,657
Marie Antoinette?
196
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,820
Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff
in his file.
197
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,327
Doug Forcett.
198
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,371
I don't get this, man.
199
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,582
Why wouldn't you want to know
what our life was like?
200
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,831
You're not even a little bit curious
what it was like to hit this?
201
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,670
I don't mean this this.
202
00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:11,670
Although, frankly,
I would also hit this this.
203
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,836
I don't want to see those memories
because, philosophically speaking
204
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,629
they're none of my business.
205
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:20,265
They happened to someone else.
Let me explain.
206
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,301
Take a seat.
207
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,345
Conceptions of the self!
208
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:28,812
Let's start with John Locke, who believed
that personal identity was based on
209
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:32,854
having a continued consciousness:
essentially, memory.
210
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:37,734
Memories are links in a chain that together
form a single self.
211
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,735
If I can't remember what happened
212
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:42,784
because it happened to a Chidi
from another timeline
213
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,866
it's not a unified "me."
214
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,855
Just because you don't remember doing
something doesn't mean you didn't do it.
215
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,666
I have no idea how it happened
216
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:53,674
but there is definitely a tattoo on my butt
that says "Jasom."
217
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:56,593
- That brings us to Derek Parfit.
- It does?
218
00:09:56,721 --> 00:10:00,089
Parfit said, even if I have memories
from an earlier time
219
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,891
that doesn't necessarily mean it was "me".
220
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:07,431
After all, if my brain was split in two
and each half was put in a different person
221
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,352
which one is "me"?
222
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,685
All I know is that other Chidi
doesn't exist anymore
223
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:16,773
and this one does,
so this must be the real Chidi.
224
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:20,322
And all I know is that you're just barfing
Wikipedia all over everyone
225
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,737
to avoid talking about your feelings.
226
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,619
Let's talk about David Hume!
227
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,540
Here we go. The Book of Dougs.
228
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,005
Let's have a look...
229
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,419
Doug Forbush... Forcap...
230
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:38,920
Doug L. Forcett!
231
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,264
Hey-hey, no peeking. Accountants only.
232
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,763
Can you just tell me his total so far?
233
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:48,520
Looks like he's at... 520,000 points.
234
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:51,148
- Well done, Doug.
- So that's... that's good?
235
00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,437
Oh, it's excellent.
236
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,985
Wait, he's 68 years old?
237
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,771
Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed.
238
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,234
I knew it!
239
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:02,443
Doug has spent his entire life
being nothing but good.
240
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:06,451
He once found a dollar on the ground
and he sent it to the Canadian government
241
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:11,203
to help pay down their national debt,
and he isn't even close to getting in?
242
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:14,334
- How can that be?
- Look, mate, the points are indisputable.
243
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,211
They have been since the beginning.
244
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,842
"Og gives his rock to Grog."
245
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:22,176
First ever act of human altruism.
Og earned 10,000 points that day.
246
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:25,133
Of course, then Grog used that
rock to beat Og's brains in
247
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,467
and lost a million points.
248
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:30,100
Point is the math is cold, objective,
and airtight
249
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:33,186
and unless you can prove otherwise,
I don't know how I can help you.
250
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:37,145
I just got 700 new "Weird Sex Thing" files
in the last one second.
251
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,405
Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started.
252
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,567
- Buckle up, Matty! It's gonna be a long week.
- No...
253
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:47,701
So, in essence, Hume thought that
we don't truly have a "self"
254
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:51,249
we're just a bundle of our ever-changing
impressions.
255
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:55,038
Just admit it, man. You're embarrassed
you fell in love with an Arizona trash-bag.
256
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,955
Eleanor, it's not personal.
257
00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,422
Someone fell in love with you,
it's just not "me".
258
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,382
I told you not to conjure anything!
259
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:05,927
Sorry, I... I... I just swapped
the living room for a classroom.
260
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,091
Not you, him.
261
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:10,185
- Jason, what is wrong with you?
- Sorry, Janet!
262
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,892
I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi.
263
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,894
I was just thinking about how much fun
we used to have hanging out
264
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:18,061
in his broken hot tub and then he showed up!
265
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:21,564
Yeah, I was just chillin, ' being nothing,
and then all of a sudden
266
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,115
- I "was"!
- Oh!
267
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,487
Goodbye, Pillboi.
268
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,495
Aw, dip!
269
00:12:25,496 --> 00:12:27,828
I'm "not" again!
270
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,909
Oh...
271
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,834
You need to hurry.
My molecular essence is fragmenting
272
00:12:34,045 --> 00:12:36,412
and it's giving me the worst headache.
273
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,716
OK, here's a question.
If Doug Forcett's not getting in, who is?
274
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:45,046
Let's look at one more file, someone who's
gotten into the Good Place this year.
275
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,556
Alright. Why don't we look at...
276
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,054
No one. No one got in.
277
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,594
No one's gotten in for a year?
278
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,393
- Correct.
- How about the last three years?
279
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:56,933
Alright, uh...
280
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,434
Beep, boop...
281
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,280
Uh, no one.
282
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,404
When was the last time someone got in?
283
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,903
The last time someone got enough points
284
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,912
to get into the Good Place was...
285
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:12,998
521 years ago.
286
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,244
Michael... um...
287
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,331
Yo, homie.
288
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:25,131
You and Eleanor were fighting before
and I couldn't help but overhear.
289
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:26,596
Hey.
290
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:31,096
If we hear with our ears,
why's it called "butt overhearing?"
291
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:35,562
Bro, if you don't like her,
you should just tell her.
292
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:39,312
It's not about whether I "like" Eleanor.
293
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:43,984
I got into philosophy to try to make sense
of a world that almost never makes sense
294
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:47,525
and that was before I learned that I died
295
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:51,328
and then un-died and then re-died...
296
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:55,162
I just can't take one more thing.
It's too much.
297
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:57,288
I'm gonna tell you a story.
298
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,501
Back in Jacksonville, there was this guy
in my 80-person dance crew
299
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,002
named Stank Toby.
300
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:06,590
Hang on. It was a 60-person dance crew.
301
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:07,802
Um...
302
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,473
Oh, dip!
303
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,632
What are numbers?
304
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,059
You're not Jason-Janet!
305
00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:17,559
You're Eleanor-Janet
pretending to be Jason-Janet!
306
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:21,483
That is so wrong and so confusing!
307
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,903
What was I supposed to do, man?
You wouldn't talk to me!
308
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,216
This seemed like the only option.
309
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,197
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor!
310
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:31,910
- I'm Arizona shrimp horny!
- That's not what I sound like, Jason.
311
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,737
- Get out of here.
- Oh, dip.
312
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,369
Look, you know what?
313
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:37,459
Just forget it.
314
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,373
What am I even doing? I-I'm chasing a dude
who isn't into me
315
00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,959
I'm making myself vulnerable for no reason.
316
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,169
I don't even know who I am anymore.
317
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:47,719
Uh-oh.
318
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:50,929
- This is new.
- I'm so annoyed at myself!
319
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,881
God... Stupid Eleanor!
320
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,258
Stupid!
321
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,686
This whole thing sucks, you know?
322
00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:58,957
Eleanor... you... you're not...
323
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,894
The one thing I never wanted to do, ever,
for any reason
324
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,481
was to follow some guy around
like a lame puppy dog.
325
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,632
I mean, look at me, I don't need to do that!
326
00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,272
I can get any guy I want!
327
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,940
Eleanor, just... hang on...
328
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,428
What, dude? What?
329
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,763
What do you want?
330
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:13,787
What is going on?
331
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:15,324
OK.
332
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:16,540
Well...
333
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,748
- This is bad.
- Why are you staring at me?
334
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,035
Do I have a zit on my nose or something?
335
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:24,463
Your sense of self is crumbling,
and it's taking the void down with it.
336
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:25,793
Great, so...
337
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,755
I don't feel like myself for two seconds
and it breaks the universe?
338
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,088
How come nothing went wrong when
Chidi freaked out about his identity
339
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,176
for three hours?
340
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,679
Because freaking out about everything
is my identity.
341
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:36,977
Not to brag.
342
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,893
I need you to hold it together.
343
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,645
Try to do something Eleanor-y.
344
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,808
Laugh at someone who falls down,
or show up to an event underdressed
345
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,603
and get mad at everyone else somehow.
I'll be right back.
346
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,234
I know I asked you this before, but...
347
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,324
No, darling, this is not where
the Mac and PC guys live.
348
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,701
Whoa! Check out this dope flat screen.
349
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,041
It's air-mounted!
350
00:16:01,544 --> 00:16:02,660
Do you see this, Tahani?
351
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,913
This must be where Janet
stores all her information.
352
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:10,718
This screen can literally show us anything
that has ever happened!
353
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,677
Cartoons! Cartoons!
354
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,547
I think it's broken.
355
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,924
TV, play cartoons for Jason!
356
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:20,097
Oh, my.
357
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,933
Janet has a crush on you.
358
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:25,391
I'm sorry. It's not just a crush.
359
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:30,734
I think in one of the reboots,
you and Janet were... married.
360
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,359
Whoa! Married?
361
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,865
Oh...
362
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,240
this flat screen
must have been a wedding present.
363
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,364
It's all starting to make sense now.
364
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,743
Well, I've gotta run. We're having a little
"thing" in the breakroom
365
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,205
for Marisol's birthday.
366
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,666
She's turning 39 million, again.
367
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,540
So, if there's nothing else...
368
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:53,173
"If there's nothing else?" Neil, be logical.
369
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:57,135
Not one Good Place resident
in over 500 years?
370
00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,350
Not Jonas Salk, not Harriet Tubman?
371
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:03,182
Not one single Golden Girl?
372
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:06,349
The Bad Place has hacked your system!
373
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:08,813
No, it hasn't. How dare you!
374
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,589
Frankly,
I'm beginning to resent your tone, sir.
375
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,466
If you've got a problem,
then go to the Good Place
376
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,551
take it up with the Committee.
Now, if you'll excuse me
377
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,283
I have to get to the breakroom
because there's cake over there
378
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:20,036
and if I don't move quickly,
Erika will get the last corner piece!
379
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,122
Good day, sir.
380
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,502
Oh, no, no, no. This can't be happening.
381
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:28,246
No, he was supposed to tell us what to do!
If he's not gonna fix this, who is?
382
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:30,674
You, Michael.
383
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,129
It has to be you.
384
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,215
We keep wandering around these
different realms, expecting someone else
385
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,301
to have the answer, but no one ever does.
386
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,049
You're the guy, Michael.
387
00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:43,352
You're the only one who can fix
whatever's wrong with the afterlife.
388
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,472
But before we get into that,
Eleanor's identity is shattering
389
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,390
inside of my void, and I might blow up
390
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:51,810
so I'm gonna need you to grab a paperclip
and marbleise me, like, yesterday.
391
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,590
- What's gonna happen to the humans?
- No idea
392
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,842
but I can't take them out of my void
in the middle of this office
393
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,153
and if we do nothing, everyone's gone-zo!
394
00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:01,453
Marbleise me, get us somewhere safe,
and bring me back.
395
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,909
Right. Paperclip! I need a papercli...
Hey, Matt!
396
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:05,699
Do you have a paperclip?
397
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,914
What are you gonna use it for?
398
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,374
- Chidi? I'm scared.
- I know.
399
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,961
What am I supposed to be doing right now?
I don't remember.
400
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,417
I'm having a hard time... remembering...
401
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,512
Right.
402
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,719
Memories. You need to remember who you are.
403
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:24,306
You're Eleanor Shellstrop,
from Phoenix, Arizona.
404
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:26,478
Your favourite meal is shrimp scampi.
405
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,855
You listed your emergency contact
as Britney Spears
406
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,731
as a longshot way of meeting her
407
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:34,565
and your favourite movie is that clip
of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem".
408
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:39,317
You flew halfway around the world
because you wanted to be a better person
409
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,779
and it was very brave.
410
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,324
You're sharp and you're strong.
411
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:47,658
You make fun of me a lot, you once called me
a "human snooze button"
412
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:51,249
but you also showed up in my classroom
when I was drowning in despair
413
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:55,086
and canned chili,
and you basically saved my life.
414
00:18:55,217 --> 00:19:00,804
You have very high self-esteem and
a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals
415
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:05,889
and your worst nightmare is someone
saying something nice about you
416
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:08,599
to your face, but too bad,
because I need to say it
417
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,723
because you deserve it.
418
00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:12,442
Because...
419
00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:13,735
- Because...
- Chidi!
420
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:34,792
Nice work, bud.
421
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,587
Did you mean everything you said, or...
422
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,754
did you just say it because the world
was ending?
423
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:48,511
I really wanna play this cool,
but I'm afraid that I'm gonna ruin it
424
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,345
if I try to be sexy.
425
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:54,307
I already ruined it, um...
426
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:57,318
saying the word "sexy" is not sexy...
427
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:02,566
- Wait!
- Oh, Jesus!
428
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:03,785
I'm OK.
429
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:06,111
- You're sure?
- Yes. I'm OK.
430
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:07,821
Wait... uh-oh... ooh.
431
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,370
- What?
- They're not Janets anymore, they're...
432
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,618
them, and they're not sitting well.
433
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,212
Incoming.
434
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,960
They're all here, and they're safe!
435
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,887
From the old scary thing.
436
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,299
Now there's a new scary thing.
437
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,186
Hi, guys! I'm Neil. Welcome to Accounting.
438
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:34,606
Now, uh... it does seem that four of you
are interdimensional fugitives
439
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:37,150
so I did go ahead and hit the alarm.
Sorry about that.
440
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,776
But, uh, there is some good news.
441
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,395
- There's some cake left.
- Yes!
442
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:43,941
- Michael, what are we going to do?
- Guys, I'm so sorry.
443
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,693
- The Accountant was no help.
- Rude.
444
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,663
No one's gotten into the Good Place
in 500 years.
445
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:53,413
We have no plan. No one's coming to save us.
446
00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:58,214
So...
447
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,293
I'm gonna do it.
448
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:08,264
Follow me!
449
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:11,552
The corner piece! No!
450
00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,104
You can't take the Book of Dougs.
Accountants only!
451
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:22,317
I need one of you to volunteer
to do something outrageously insane
452
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:25,737
that will either make you cease to exist
or be really fun.
453
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,305
- That's most of the things I've tried!
- That's my guy! Come on, come here.
454
00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:29,287
Get in the tube!
455
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,120
Oh, hell yeah! I love gettin' in stuff!
456
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:41,651
No way to know what happened to him,
so come on, let's go.
457
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:42,711
Everyone else, come up.
458
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:45,053
There you go.
459
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:53,186
Ow!
460
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:57,938
That was awesome!
461
00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,561
Awesome! I want to go again!
462
00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:03,941
Where are we?
463
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:06,735
We're in the Good Place.
464
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:10,527
No offense, dude, but you have told us
a lot of lies in the last 300 years
465
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,946
so seriously, where the fork are we?
466
00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:15,625
Fork.
467
00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:17,544
Shirt.
468
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:18,545
Ash-hole.
469
00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:22,960
Holy forking shirtballs...
470
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:25,588
we're in the Good Place!