1
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,474
Hello.
- Oh!

2
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,518
S... sorry.

3
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:24,974
To activate your Janet,
press nose for three seconds.

4
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,349
OK, OK.

5
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,400
Um, can you walk yet?

6
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,363
Here.

7
00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:33,449
Oh.

8
00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:35,236
Hello, I'm Janet.
- Shh.

9
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,402
Hello.
- Shh.

10
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,073
Hello, I'm Janet.
- I really need you to shut up.

11
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,003
Where did you get this?

12
00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,014
Did you actually get
into the Good Place somehow?

13
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,798
Didn't need to. They keep their Janets
in a neutral pocket dimension

14
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,427
beneath the shapeless time void.

15
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,509
It's right next to Accounting.

16
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,767
And you just walked in and stole her?
It was that easy?

17
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,439
You didn't have to choke out an angel
or anything?

18
00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,062
Doors were unlocked, no security.

19
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,296
I mean, it makes sense, right?

20
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,734
They're good,
so they're stupid and trusting.

21
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:16,302
I understand that you need the four humans
to think they're in the Good Place

22
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,160
but using an actual
Good Place Janet seems risky.

23
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:22,114
Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet
pretend to be good?

24
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,073
I thought of that, but... watch.

25
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,743
Bad Janet?
- What up, skidmarks?

26
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,547
Let's try that thing again
where you pretend to be a Good Janet.

27
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,549
OK?

28
00:01:31,551 --> 00:01:33,507
Now, really... really try your best.

29
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,130
Fine.
- Say, Janet.

30
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,963
Where can I get some delicious ice-cream?

31
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:41,720
Oh, there's a wonderful parlour
in the middle of town square.

32
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,598
My favourite flavour is rocky road.

33
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:49,558
It contains chocolate ribbon,
marshmallows, and your...

34
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:54,066
dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!

35
00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,568
JANET GURGLES

36
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,615
I see what you mean. Use the Good one.

37
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:09,119
Janet, you and I are about
to have a real adventure together.

38
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,880
Wait a second, Janet.
What are you telling me?

39
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,174
Are you saying that
because you're glitching out...

40
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,593
The Neighborhood is in danger
of total collapse.

41
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,795
Fun fact -

42
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:22,636
mathematically, it's equally likely
to either im-or-explode.

43
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,641
SHE GIGGLES
- OK, OK.

44
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:29,681
So I suppose the next question should be,
"What's causing the problem?"

45
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:33,519
Unclear. The glitches started out small,
and then began to escalate.

46
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:36,605
And then I came here looking for help,
and then I started talking.

47
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:40,783
And then you looked at me, annoyed,
like that, and now here we are.

48
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,735
OK. Alright.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

49
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:46,619
Yeah, this is very bad.
Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.

50
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,915
You got it!

51
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:54,168
A little short on time here, Janet.
- It's just a little hard to get out.

52
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,749
Almost got it.

53
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,464
Here it is.

54
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:01,803
My user manual.

55
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,599
OK. Let's get started.

56
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,566
"Hello, and welcome to your new Janet."

57
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:17,771
"Janets are brought to you by the makers
of light, darkness, and everything."

58
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,605
I need to skip ahead here.

59
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,817
Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part?

60
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,196
Michael.
- Hmm?

61
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,402
What's with the earthquake?

62
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,159
Janet's experiencing
a slight technical issue.

63
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,410
Ew. What's wrong with it?

64
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,868
Oh, um, uh...
- I tried to eat some frozen yogurt.

65
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,295
It looked so good,
but I'm not supposed to eat anything.

66
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,872
So there was a little earthquake.

67
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,707
GROUND SHUDDERS

68
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:42,136
See? There it is again.
- Can't you just reset these things?

69
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,760
What do you do again?
Oh, it's the ears, yeah?

70
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:47,137
It's... it's, uh... It's down, down, out...

71
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,765
Vicky, can I... can I speak to you
just for a second outside?

72
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:53,144
Look, this is a common problem,
and I've got it under control.

73
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,474
I don't know, man.

74
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,857
First you went rogue at the party with
your sports car and your weird earring...

75
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,107
HE GIGGLES

76
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,938
And now Janet's breaking down? I mean...

77
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:05,072
it's like you're begging me
to tell Shawn that you're incompetent.

78
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,528
<i>Begging.</i>

79
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,113
Vicky, this is a temporary problem.
I promise.

80
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,824
Hey, you know who could use some torturing
right now?

81
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,202
Chidi.
- Oh!

82
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,912
I love torturing Chidi.
- I know.

83
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,373
No, actually,
I had this great idea the other night.

84
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,550
Thought it was worth exploring.
Picture this.

85
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,760
Needles.

86
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,138
Oh, that's the whole idea.

87
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,556
Yeah, yeah.
- Needles.

88
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,803
Genius, right?
- Yeah.

89
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:29,852
I mean, needles!

90
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:32,512
Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. So smart.
- Yeah.

91
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,765
Needles. Yeah, run with that.
- VICKY LAUGHS

92
00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,526
OK, hopefully bought us a little time.

93
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,478
Where were we? Uh...

94
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,154
Oh, here we go, yeah. Glitches!

95
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,404
"In the event of malfunction,
run the following tests."

96
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:48,157
"First test, Basic Corporeal Function."

97
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,407
Hop up on the table there.

98
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,082
MICHAEL EXHALES

99
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,255
Alright, great.

100
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,502
Ninety-nine-point-seven trillion degrees.

101
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,628
A little bit on the high side,
but no biggie.

102
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,213
And...

103
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,093
still no blood!

104
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,767
Oh, thank goodness. OK, what's next?

105
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,515
"Summoning and Retrieval."

106
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:18,225
"Have Janet produce an object,
using the random object generator programme."

107
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,435
OK...
HE GRUNTS

108
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,276
DEVICE CHIMES
- A 14-ounce ostrich steak

109
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:29,782
impaled on a giant novelty pencil
that says "Lordy Lordy, I'm Over 40."

110
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:30,952
JANET CHIMES
- Here you go.

111
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,449
"Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40." Perfect.

112
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,417
OK, third test.

113
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,166
"Informational Accuracy."

114
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,168
"Glitches may be a sign that..."

115
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,709
You didn't finish your sentence.

116
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:48,676
"Glitches may be a sign
that your Janet is..."

117
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:55,353
"processing or disseminating information
that is incompatible with objective truth."

118
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,223
They're talking about lying, Janet.

119
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,939
This is all my fault.

120
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,858
I told you a lie that first day we met.

121
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,740
OK.

122
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,246
Here goes nothing.

123
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,496
JANET WHIRS

124
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:23,714
Hello, I'm Janet,
and I have now been fully activated!

125
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:28,010
Hello, Janet. I'm Michael,
a Good Place architect.

126
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:32,011
One of the best. Top-notch.
You're in luck, here.

127
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,557
Happy to meet you, Michael.

128
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,135
I will help you make the perfect
Neighbourhood.

129
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,436
Would you like to get started?

130
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:39,434
Uh, one small note there, Janet.

131
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,937
Uh, the Neighbourhood that I want to build

132
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:46,192
might be a little different from the ones
that you might be familiar with.

133
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,405
Is that alright?

134
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:49,698
Of course, silly billy!

135
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,264
I build and operate the Neighbourhood

136
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:54,947
but every aspect
of the design is entirely up to you!

137
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:59,080
For example, if you'd like me to stop
calling you "silly billy," just say so!

138
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,752
Yeah, I don't like that at all.
Michael's fine.

139
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,124
Sounds good, Michael.

140
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,001
I will keep this Neighbourhood functioning

141
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,425
and I will make no judgments
on its rules or residents.

142
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,049
And although I don't technically
report to you...

143
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:15,804
I will do everything I can to make
your Neighbourhood neighbour-good!

144
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,389
I lied to you.

145
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,731
I lied about who I was and...

146
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,104
what we were doing.

147
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:32,067
And then I lied a billion more times
to support that first lie.

148
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,073
And now you're all discombobulated.

149
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,995
It's... it's my fault.

150
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,698
Nope. You're wrong.

151
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,250
If the glitching was only a result
of you lying to me

152
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,373
why wouldn't I have been
glitching all along?

153
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,170
Why would it only be starting now?

154
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,669
Well, uh... that's a good point.

155
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,170
I know, right!
- KNOCK ON DOOR

156
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,131
May...
- Excuse us, Michael

157
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,491
but we've been trying to call Janet
and she isn't answering.

158
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,847
Hi, guys, I'm broken.

159
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:58,222
Uh, yeah, I had to take her offline
for a system check.

160
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,177
She'll be available real soon.
- JASON: Cool.

161
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,604
Because I'm just so freakin' excited
because Tahani said

162
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,273
she's never had jalapeño poppers

163
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,021
and I wanted to get some for her.

164
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,477
TAHANI:
They sound so disgusting.

165
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,938
But if Jason likes them,
then maybe I will too.

166
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,822
Because we are together.
I can finally admit that.

167
00:08:14,911 --> 00:08:18,575
Aw, babe, you admitted it! That's sweet.

168
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,702
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You two are sleeping together?

169
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:22,408
Only when we're done having sex.

170
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:25,036
Anyways, Janet, can you help us?

171
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,087
As soon as Michael puts me back online

172
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:31,008
I'd be more than happy to help you
get that extra-special gift for Tahani!

173
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,175
Whoa...

174
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,304
What's happening?

175
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,720
Oh, boy.

176
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,176
What the...

177
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,970
Oh, man.

178
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,726
We got robbed!

179
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:48,054
They took the walls, they took the floor,
and we were standing here the whole time!

180
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,902
These guys are good.

181
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,781
TAHANI:
Michael! What do we do?

182
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,867
OK, there we go!
Nothing to worry about.

183
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:03,165
Happens, sometimes.
Perfectly normal. Let's go.

184
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,583
Is Janet going to be alright?

185
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:07,582
Totally fine. Please just go back
to your house and wait for her there.

186
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,255
She'll show up shortly
with lots of jalapeño poppers.

187
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,422
And cheesy fries?
- Mm-hm.

188
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:12,545
With donkey sauce?
- Sure.

189
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,547
And a cool hat?
- MICHAEL GROANS

190
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,172
OK, we'll leave.
Hope you feel better, Janet!

191
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:19,725
OK...

192
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,888
So, I don't seem to be getting better.

193
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:27,189
That glitch appears to have been limited
to this building, so Vicky won't know.

194
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,311
That's the good news.

195
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,236
The bad news is, I seem to be losing
my ability to sustain object permanence.

196
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,762
So, it's sort of a "glass half-full"

197
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,236
"glass-stops-existing-in-time-and-space"
kinda deal.

198
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,238
OK, let's walk through what just happened.

199
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,489
Jason and Tahani came in.

200
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,324
Revealed the crazy fact
that they're now in a relationship.

201
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,660
I already knew that
and I am so happy for them.

202
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,999
Blah!
- COINS CLATTER

203
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,211
Ahhhh...

204
00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,513
COINS CLATTER

205
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,262
Janet, tell me a lie.

206
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,638
Janets can't lie.

207
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,139
You lied to Vicky earlier.

208
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,438
Interesting... I guess I did.

209
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:12,151
I suppose after 802 reboots,
I must have gained the ability to lie.

210
00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,980
That's fun! I want to try to lie again.
SHE INHALES

211
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,655
I love your outfit.

212
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:32,038
JANET CHIMES
- "Incompatible with objective truth."

213
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:37,093
Janet, the problem isn't me lying to you,
but rather you lying to other people.

214
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:41,297
Like when you said to Jason,
"I'd be happy to help you and Tahani"

215
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,757
that was a lie.

216
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,843
No, it wasn't.
I'm always happy to help people.

217
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,097
That's my main purpose.

218
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,099
I know, I know, but it was still a lie

219
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,625
even though you didn't intend it to be

220
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,936
because you weren't actually happy
to help them.

221
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,811
Because you're in love with Jason.

222
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,112
Say what now?

223
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,611
After the very first time you were rebooted

224
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,819
and as you were
slowly regaining your knowledge

225
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,199
you bonded with Jason.

226
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,282
The two of you got "married"

227
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:11,836
and I think somehow, you're still,
deep down, in love with him.

228
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,538
Ha! No. That is impossible.

229
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:18,342
Think logically - when was the first glitch?

230
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,428
When I said I was happy to give
Jason and Tahani couples' therapy.

231
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,055
And the second glitch?

232
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,941
When I said I was happy to see them
embracing.

233
00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,763
And the third glitch, the earthquake?

234
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,687
When I said I was happy that
I had helped improve their relationship.

235
00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:33,265
Ohhhhhhh, nuts!

236
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,476
Yeah...
- But I am happy for them.

237
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:36,981
I am. I am.

238
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,903
Am I? I am. I am not.

239
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,235
I am not! I am not that.
I am not happy for them.

240
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:42,741
SHE GASPS

241
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:47,121
But how is this possible? I don't have
any memory of being married to Jason.

242
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,326
You said yourself that Janets get more
sophisticated every time they're rebooted.

243
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:56,130
Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason
was some sort of mutation

244
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,004
that then was amplified with each reboot.

245
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,506
OK, that makes total sense.

246
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,178
I know what you have to do now.

247
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,223
Kill me!

248
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,761
Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner.

249
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,205
But in this case,
it may be inappropriate. So, I'll try again.

250
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,390
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

251
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,521
You have to kill me, Michael.

252
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,732
Better?
- Janet, I can't reboot you.

253
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,435
That will just intensify your feelings
for Jason

254
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,816
and that's what got us
into this mess in the first place.

255
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:25,447
I'm not saying reboot me.
I'm saying, set me to "self-destruct."

256
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:32,871
"In the event of continued malfunction,
hold down Janet's nose"

257
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,829
"and insert paper clip
into small hole behind left ear."

258
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:36,958
Yeah, right here.

259
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,415
"Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself."

260
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:43,173
"When Janet is roughly the size of a marble,
she can be launched into space"

261
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,755
"through an inter-dimensional suction tube"

262
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,049
"or eaten as a midday snack."

263
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,635
I'm very high in potassium - like a banana!

264
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,062
"A new Janet will need to be procured"

265
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,266
"in order to return the Neighbourhood
to functionality."

266
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:02,025
Easy, I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet,
and everything will go back to normal!

267
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,823
Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble
floating through space

268
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,650
but you'll be back to normal!

269
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,950
Are you sure this is what you want -
to self-destruct?

270
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,313
What I really want is to stay
and serve the Neighbourhood.

271
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:20,377
But due to my feelings for Jason,
I'm putting him and everyone else at risk.

272
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,958
So, looks like it's, <i>whoosh...</i>

273
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,884
<i>A dios, Janito!</i>

274
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,088
Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

275
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:30,345
Um, but you didn't give me a heads-up
about this new Vicky torture.

276
00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,928
Uh, the one with the
the needles in my face?

277
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,480
Little busy here, bud.
- CHIDI: Yeah, totally, totally.

278
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:42,437
I don't want to be a nudge, but is there
anything else coming down the pike

279
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:45,068
that you forgot to mention?
- I honestly don't know.

280
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:48,993
But I have bigger fish to fry, so, you know,
just, just walk it off.

281
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:53,994
Well, I would love to walk it off,
but my feet have needles in them!

282
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,824
I don't know what to tell ya.

283
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,501
OK, but...
- OK, self-destruct time.

284
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,329
Hey, how about this?

285
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,591
What if we just reboot Jason?

286
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:07,260
I mean, how long could it take him to relearn
the five things he knows, am I right?

287
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:11,011
How dare you! You're talking about the man
I was just informed that I love!

288
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,682
Right. Sorry.

289
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,512
Marble-ise me, Michael.
It's the only choice.

290
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,471
I won't feel any pain or anything.

291
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:21,730
JANET CHANTS:
Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill...

292
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:25,608
I really don't want to do this, Janet.
But I suppose it makes sense.

293
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,697
Great! Grab a paper clip.

294
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,650
MICHAEL SIGHS

295
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:41,916
OK, that was the last pudding shop.

296
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,123
Great, should I begin
to welcome the residents?

297
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,418
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
This is all wrong.

298
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:51,722
Pudding restaurant?
What even is that? Pudding won't work.

299
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,549
It's OK, Michael. Just relax.
- Ah...

300
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:58,138
I can't, Janet!
My design has to be perfect for me to, to...

301
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:03,442
In order to accomplish what I need
to accomplish. Oh...

302
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:08,523
Whoa, I'm way out on a limb here.
HE SIGHS

303
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:11,654
And I'm all alone.
- No, you're not. You have me...

304
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,736
Oh!
- ...Janet. I can help you.

305
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:18,040
It's too hard to explain, but there are
certain aspects of my plan that...

306
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,913
that you just can't understand.

307
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,211
Try me.

308
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,703
MICHAEL SCOFFS
Yeah.

309
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,876
Alright, fine, fine. Uh, Janet, uh...

310
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:32,339
What's a food that people think they enjoy,
but that's also kind of a bummer?

311
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,175
Frozen yoghurt.
- Oh! Oh, yes!

312
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,351
HE LAUGHS
Frozen yogurt!

313
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,599
Oh, Janet! You're a genius.

314
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,557
Correct. I know literally everything.

315
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,837
But why do you want a food...?
- No, no, don't don't worry about that.

316
00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:45,942
HE LAUGHS

317
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,647
Oh, yeah, OK, let's make
all these restaurants frozen yogurt.

318
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,447
Okie-dokie.
- JANET CHIMES

319
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,116
MICHAEL LAUGHS

320
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,324
Would you like to try it?
- Oh, yeah.

321
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,667
It's just... OK.

322
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:05,129
Which means... it's perfect.
- JANET GIGGLES

323
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,671
Let's bring in the residents.

324
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,340
I don't know what just happened,
but I'm happy you're happy!

325
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,793
MICHAEL LAUGHS

326
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:13,716
Michael?

327
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:18,425
Hm? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yes, sorry.

328
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,357
Oh... I can't do it.

329
00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:28,607
Come on, dude.
- It's dangerous, is what it is.

330
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,905
Vicky could find out, and then the...
you know, the... plan, the whole plan...

331
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,280
It's bad for the plan, Janet.
That, that's the reason.

332
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:39,830
I don't understand. Given the situation,
it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct.

333
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,291
Hmm.

334
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,495
OK, look, see, here, here...
here's the reason.

335
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:51,209
See, I promised the four humans that we would
escape to the Good Place once and for all

336
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:55,296
and without you, we stand zero chance
of ever making it there.

337
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,992
The new Janet will be able to help you
with that.

338
00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,384
Well, alright, but it's not only that though,
see, it's also because of, um...

339
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,936
Well, what if Vicky found out?

340
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,388
You already asked me that.

341
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,211
Why are you making such a big deal
about turning me into a marble forever?

342
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,773
Because of reasons. There are reasons!

343
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,980
They exist and I just don't want
to explain them right now.

344
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,190
What are the reasons?

345
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,946
There are reasons, Janet!
- OK, but what are they?

346
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,823
The reason is friends!

347
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:29,000
You're my friend, Janet.
That, that's why I can't kill you.

348
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:33,921
We have been through so much together.
I mean, yeah, sure, for you...

349
00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:37,129
You know, each time I rebooted you,
you, you "met" me all over again.

350
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:41,843
But for me, our... our relationship
has become important.

351
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,103
You're my oldest, my truest...

352
00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,482
my most loyal friend.

353
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,355
I can't just get rid of you and...

354
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,438
replace you with some other Janet
I don't even know.

355
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,158
Well, well, well...

356
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,289
Yeah, don't, don't do that, just lay off.

357
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:09,665
Michael!

358
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,623
That was so nice of you.

359
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:14,917
I'm glad you said that.

360
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,628
Well... I mean it.

361
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,802
Look at us - a couple of old pals.

362
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,176
Trying to make our way
in this crazy world...

363
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:25,645
that I built.

364
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,474
Two peas in a pod.

365
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,603
One of whom needs to kill the other one,
immediately.

366
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,524
No. No, there has to be another way.

367
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,574
This problem you're facing,
it's about emotion, right?

368
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,116
That's a human problem.

369
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:44,037
So maybe we should consult our most
problematic human.

370
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:47,790
So, let me get this straight.

371
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,665
You want me to convince Michael
to turn you into a marble.

372
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,417
Because you're causing earthquakes

373
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:54,418
because you're sad about Jason

374
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:58,127
to whom you were once married,
because he's currently sleeping with Tahani.

375
00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,506
Correct.
- I don't think

376
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:02,367
I've ever meant this literally,
but that might be too much information.

377
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,805
First of all, I totally get the Jason thing.

378
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:09,684
I mean, he's a ding-dong,
but also a straight hottie, so up top.

379
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:11,640
But more important...

380
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:15,068
what you're going through is something
every person has gone through.

381
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,271
Not a person.
- Actually, right now...

382
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:21,450
you kind of are, because you just found out
your ex is dating someone else.

383
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:26,200
And yeah, it sucks, but trust me,
it's not worth all this drama.

384
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,703
You just need to get drunk and go dancing.

385
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:31,331
You'll forget all about Jason.
Can you get drunk?

386
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:34,538
Not really. Although, if I stand
next to a powerful array of magnets

387
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,168
I do get pretty loopy.

388
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,420
Do that. Pop a couple magnets.

389
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,548
Listen to some "No Doubt", dye your hair.

390
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,800
You'll be totally fine in,
like, two seconds.

391
00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:48,306
I mean, honestly, the best move
is to get another dude, and just go to town.

392
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:51,639
Rebound guy! But I guess, here,
your options are pretty limited.

393
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,894
What about Michael?
- Extraordinarily bad idea.

394
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,520
Yeah. Right. Forget it.

395
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,853
But... you don't need to worry.

396
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,233
You're awesome.

397
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,360
You contain all the knowledge
in the universe.

398
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,114
You have a rippin' bod,
and you can literally do anything!

399
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,203
This is just a blip.

400
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,665
So, was it helpful?

401
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:14,586
Yes, Eleanor told me that instead of
being sad, I should "go get it, girl!"

402
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:16,334
So, I'm going to go get it, girl!

403
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:17,505
Get what?
- Unclear.

404
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,027
I'll get everything, just to be safe.

405
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,713
And I should be able to avoid glitches

406
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,216
by watching what I say
around Jason and Tahani.

407
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:27,094
Ah! Thank you for your help.
I'm so glad we're friends.

408
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,265
Me too.

409
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,060
And since we're friends,
I can tell you this honestly.

410
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,730
Take that outfit out of rotation.
It makes you look bottom-heavy.

411
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,853
It does, doesn't it?
HE GROANS

412
00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:39,228
If it's OK with you, I'm going
to go to my void for a little while.

413
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,739
I just need to spend some time alone
and focus on myself.

414
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:45,408
Take all the time you need.
- JANET CHIMES

415
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,328
JANET CHIMES: Hi there.
- Hello!

416
00:20:49,832 --> 00:20:51,289
Janet, who's that man?

417
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,958
This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek.
I made him.

418
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,161
DEREK LAUGHS
Hi, I'm Derek.

419
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,291
You must be Mich...

420
00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:58,917
Ohhh.

421
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:01,170
OK, that makes more sense.

422
00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:05,008
You must be Michael. Janet's made a lot
of talk-talk into my ear holes about you.

423
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,885
"Michael, Michael, Michael,
Klichael, Klichael, Klichael."

424
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,841
Can I get a hug?
- No.

425
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,222
High-five?
- Well...

426
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,897
Janet, you can't make a person.

427
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,519
I know. But I did though.

428
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,755
Eleanor said that to forget about Jason...
- Oh. Hello.

429
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,579
...I should create a rebound guy.
- I'm Derek.

430
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,946
So, I made one. Derek!
- Hi.

431
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,232
I'm her boyfriend and she made me.
- He's so nice.

432
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:27,989
DEREK LAUGHS
Whoa! Look at this glass.

433
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,078
Oh, my God.

434
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:31,155
DEREK:
I'm in there too?

435
00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:32,910
What's going on right now?

436
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,959
It's my first time making someone,
so he might be a little bit "off."

437
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,939
Look, this could be... Don't.
Please, put that down.

438
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,545
This could be very dangerous.

439
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,498
It... it shouldn't even be possible.

440
00:21:41,592 --> 00:21:43,049
Well, maybe not 800 reboots ago.

441
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,797
DEREK GASPS
- But apparently, now it is.

442
00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:47,300
DEREK WHEEZES

443
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,089
HE LAUGHS
Can you believe this?

444
00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:51,345
Derek... is it "Derek"?
- It's Derek.

445
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:54,269
Derek, could you please
give me and Janet a moment alone?

446
00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:55,999
Go back to the void, babe.
I'll be there in a minute.

447
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,184
OK, I'll miss you like crazy.

448
00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,857
I'll miss you more.
- No, I'll miss you more.

449
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:02,402
I love you so much.
- I love you so much, babe! Come here!

450
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,466
I will.
- Good, because I have something to give you.

451
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:06,948
Oh, yeah? I have something to give you.
- What? What is it?

452
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,846
Come here and I'll show you.
- OK, if I come over there, you'll show me?

453
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:11,827
I promise.
- I'm going over.

454
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:15,624
One, two, three, four, five, six steps
and here I am.

455
00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:17,627
It was a kiss.

456
00:22:17,629 --> 00:22:19,244
That's a kiss?
- Mm-hm.

457
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,670
Loved it.
- OK, bye.

458
00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,292
Bye!
- JANET LAUGHS

459
00:22:22,383 --> 00:22:23,965
What a dork, am I right?

460
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,713
SHE GIGGLES