1 00:01:07,041 --> 00:01:13,082 People ask me, "Carole, how do you and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?" 2 00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:16,665 Well, I tell them it's really simple. 3 00:01:16,791 --> 00:01:19,749 I'm just the ultimate tease. 4 00:01:20,875 --> 00:01:23,582 Me and Bruce, we're not that different. 5 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:25,499 We know what we want. 6 00:01:25,583 --> 00:01:28,082 We know how to get it. 7 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:32,457 Like this promotion he's going for. We both know he'll win. 8 00:01:32,583 --> 00:01:34,582 And when he does, 9 00:01:34,750 --> 00:01:36,499 the Robertson household 10 00:01:36,583 --> 00:01:41,165 is gonna be one big happy family again. 11 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:43,290 I kid you not. 12 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:58,540 Jimmy! 13 00:02:01,583 --> 00:02:02,749 Whoo-hoo! 14 00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:10,165 What did you just fucking call me? 15 00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,540 Just give us your money, mate. 16 00:02:14,208 --> 00:02:16,040 Fucking hurry up! 17 00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:24,790 Fucking... 18 00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:34,665 Scatter. 19 00:02:58,500 --> 00:02:59,665 Scotland. 20 00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:03,665 This nation brought the world television, the steam engine, golf, 21 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:08,999 whisky, penicillin and, of course, the deep fried Mars bar. 22 00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:15,749 It is great being Scottish. We're such a uniquely successful race. 23 00:03:20,958 --> 00:03:23,582 And as my wife Carole always says, 24 00:03:26,166 --> 00:03:28,415 "There's no place like home. " 25 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,999 Nice one. All right, pal? 26 00:03:52,291 --> 00:03:56,207 The games are always, repeat, always, being played 27 00:03:56,291 --> 00:03:58,290 but nobody plays the games like me, 28 00:03:58,375 --> 00:04:00,499 Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson, 29 00:04:00,583 --> 00:04:03,582 soon to be Detective Inspector Bruce Robertson. 30 00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:07,665 You just have to be the best, and I usually am. 31 00:04:08,083 --> 00:04:09,999 Same rules apply. 32 00:04:23,791 --> 00:04:25,665 What the fuck? 33 00:04:28,666 --> 00:04:30,165 Morning. 34 00:04:33,916 --> 00:04:35,374 Right. 35 00:04:36,041 --> 00:04:40,207 Our victim is a Japanese male 36 00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:41,874 in his early 20s... Yes, Peter? 37 00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:44,624 Sorry, boss, just a wee point. 38 00:04:44,708 --> 00:04:48,332 Maybe we shouldn't stigmatise the guy by calling him a victim. 39 00:04:48,416 --> 00:04:51,499 Poor wee chinky bastard's dead. Doesnae matter what you call him now. 40 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,957 Care to share the joke with us, Dougie? 41 00:04:54,125 --> 00:04:56,957 Dougie Gillman is your average Scottish copper. 42 00:04:57,041 --> 00:05:03,665 Sixty years ago in the glorious fucking Reich, you'd be turned into handbags! 43 00:05:04,166 --> 00:05:08,707 At 5/1, Gillman poses a serious challenge to my promotion prospects. 44 00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:12,082 So he, like the others, will have to be eliminated, 45 00:05:12,791 --> 00:05:16,707 starting with my main rival for the inspector's job, Peter Inglis. 46 00:05:16,791 --> 00:05:19,624 Inglis is what they call metrosexual... 47 00:05:25,750 --> 00:05:29,665 ...but what I call a fucking bufty. 2/1. 48 00:05:29,791 --> 00:05:31,124 There was no positive ID, 49 00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:34,290 but DS Lennox has been down at the murder scene. 50 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:38,082 Ray Lennox, the department's rookie and resident junkie. 51 00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:40,124 I love the chang! 52 00:05:41,416 --> 00:05:44,457 Even though Lennox is more interested in trying to bang the office secretary 53 00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:48,999 than any kind of career advancement, he'll still have to be publicly humiliated. 54 00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,249 20/1. 55 00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,207 Official policy at the moment is... 56 00:05:53,708 --> 00:05:55,124 Yes, Gus? 57 00:05:55,375 --> 00:05:57,124 What is the party line, boss? 58 00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:00,999 Gus Bain, bit of a long shot because he's not the sharpest tool in the box. 59 00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:04,207 I've got a new toothbrush, miss! 60 00:06:04,333 --> 00:06:08,207 But then, when did a single-figure IQ hold anybody back in the police force? 61 00:06:08,291 --> 00:06:09,415 7/1. 62 00:06:09,583 --> 00:06:13,207 ...in accordance with the description which Detective Drummond 63 00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:14,499 will presently hand out to you. 64 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:17,457 - Thanks, Bob. "Thanks, Bob. " 65 00:06:17,541 --> 00:06:19,290 That arse-kissing Amanda Drummond 66 00:06:19,375 --> 00:06:21,540 would suck Toal off right now if he promoted her. 67 00:06:21,625 --> 00:06:23,415 Not that it would do her any good, of course, 68 00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,957 because some sad wanker from uniform is gonna impregnate the wee slag 69 00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:31,249 and that'll be her stint at playing Cagney and fucking Lacey well and truly over. 70 00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:32,790 10/1. 71 00:06:32,916 --> 00:06:36,707 The umbilical cord that connects the north and south... 72 00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:42,207 Umbilical cord? The last time I looked it was a tunnel, you fucking clown. 73 00:06:42,958 --> 00:06:46,124 Edinburgh's worst kept secret is that Chief Inspector Bob Toal here 74 00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,124 has ambitions as a screenwriter. 75 00:06:50,708 --> 00:06:53,999 If that lazy, fat fucker spent less time dreaming about Hollywood 76 00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:57,790 and more time promoting me, then the streets would be safer for everybody. 77 00:06:57,916 --> 00:07:00,915 And they left him there, lying like a pile of rubbish. 78 00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:03,415 - Maybe he was rubbish. - What? 79 00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:05,540 To the assailants, of course. 80 00:07:05,625 --> 00:07:08,332 Aye, that's it. Your docile chat might impress the boss, 81 00:07:08,416 --> 00:07:10,332 but it doesn't impress my fucking hangover. 82 00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:13,332 I have got news for this herd of donkeys. 83 00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:18,040 There is only one horse can win this race and that horse is Bruce the Stallion Robertson. 84 00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,124 Right, crack on with it. 85 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,332 - Quick word, Bruce. - Yes, boss? 86 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:29,499 Things are pretty stretched around here until we get the new Dl position filled. 87 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:34,207 I want you to head up the case. I'll be around, but I'll be tied up with other stuff. 88 00:07:34,291 --> 00:07:38,832 So, you'll effectively be acting inspector, without the remuneration of course. 89 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:41,165 All leave, unfortunately, will be cancelled, 90 00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:44,749 but it'll stand you in good stead for the promotion 91 00:07:44,833 --> 00:07:48,082 because you'll have the other contenders under you. 92 00:07:54,916 --> 00:07:58,707 There's really nothing more seductive to a woman than power. 93 00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:04,124 So, when Bruce gets his promotion, 94 00:08:04,208 --> 00:08:06,999 I won't be able to keep my hands off him. 95 00:08:08,208 --> 00:08:11,624 Detective Inspector Robertson. 96 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,790 Even the sound of it makes me want him right now. 97 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,665 Are you not worried if you bugger off to Hamburg 98 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,832 it'll go against you for the promotion then? 99 00:08:21,916 --> 00:08:23,290 - Promotion? - Aye. 100 00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:25,040 What's the alternative, Ray? 101 00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:29,832 I give up my holidays for some murdered Jap, kamikaze, sushi-eating, karaoke bastard? 102 00:08:29,916 --> 00:08:31,082 No chance. 103 00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,999 Well, you do have a very understanding wife in Carole, Robbo. 104 00:08:34,083 --> 00:08:35,624 Aye. Aye, that I do. 105 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:40,415 - I wish I had somebody like that. - I bet you do, Ray. I bet you do. 106 00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:43,457 Tell you what, we'll have to get you another threesome organised 107 00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:45,832 with that wee skanky dealer's bird, won't we? Do you remember that? 108 00:08:47,583 --> 00:08:52,624 Lennox hates to be reminded of the time we went tag team on that thing. 109 00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:55,290 Have you even started yet, baby cock? 110 00:08:57,125 --> 00:08:59,249 Everybody has got an Achilles' heel 111 00:08:59,333 --> 00:09:02,207 and I make a point in remembering my associates' ones. 112 00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,415 You were like an animal, Ray. 113 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:10,207 Oh, here we go. Here comes the schemie wee bastard now. 114 00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,374 Jesus Christ, look at the face on that wee lassie. 115 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:14,290 That's a stoat-the-baw situation if ever I saw one. 116 00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:16,207 That's a curvy little arse, though, mind. 117 00:09:16,291 --> 00:09:18,082 Never you mind the curvy little arse on it, Ray. 118 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:21,457 - It's a bit fucking young, no? - Ah, she's borderline, man. Come on. 119 00:09:21,583 --> 00:09:22,665 - Borderline? - Aye. 120 00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,082 Do you like wee lassies, Ray? Are you into baldy fanny? 121 00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:26,707 Borderline, is it? 122 00:09:26,791 --> 00:09:29,249 40 sheets at 5/1. Come on. 5/1? 123 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:30,999 Ah, no, maybe you're right. You're right enough, man. 124 00:09:31,083 --> 00:09:34,040 You have got absolutely no bottle, Ray. 125 00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:38,665 That is exactly why the Lennoxes of this world will never oust the Robertsons. 126 00:09:39,583 --> 00:09:43,165 I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend. Come on! 127 00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:50,082 - Right then, what's the script? - The Beast routine. 128 00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:52,957 - It's a bit full-on, Robbo, no? - You steam right in. 129 00:09:53,041 --> 00:09:56,290 It's the only language these schemies understand, OK? Come here. 130 00:09:56,375 --> 00:10:00,290 I want you to show this bastard who the hardest firm in this city really is, OK? 131 00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:03,165 Nobody... Nobody steams in like the Edinburgh polis. 132 00:10:03,291 --> 00:10:05,207 - Go. - Right. 133 00:10:05,291 --> 00:10:09,374 Wait two seconds. He'll be firing into her and we'll catch the stoat in action. 134 00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,374 - Another toot for good luck? - I'm on duty. 135 00:10:11,458 --> 00:10:13,290 Aye. 136 00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:22,249 For God's sake, I'm coming! 137 00:10:24,375 --> 00:10:27,374 - Who the fuck are you two? - Jehovah's fucking Witnesses. 138 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,165 Keep your fucking mouth shut. You hear me? 139 00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:31,499 You speak when you're fucking spoken to. You get it? 140 00:10:31,583 --> 00:10:34,082 - I said, do you fucking get it? - Aye, aye, aye! 141 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,665 - Get the fuck out! - Oh, a lady. 142 00:10:37,541 --> 00:10:38,582 How old are you then, madam? 143 00:10:38,708 --> 00:10:40,874 My father's a very well respected lawyer, you know. 144 00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:43,415 What does that make me then? 145 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,999 Very good. How old are we? 146 00:10:46,083 --> 00:10:47,874 - Sixteen. - ID? 147 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:51,874 No, you don't. 148 00:10:53,583 --> 00:10:57,040 Please note, female is below the legal age of consent. 149 00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:03,165 Stephanie Donaldson. 150 00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:06,874 No relation to Conrad Donaldson QC by any chance, are we? 151 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,540 Bingo. 152 00:11:12,291 --> 00:11:14,290 Imagine what your daddy would say. 153 00:11:14,791 --> 00:11:16,040 Please don't say anything. 154 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,124 What's it worth, Stephanie? A gam? 155 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:25,207 Can you imagine what his posh pals would say 156 00:11:25,291 --> 00:11:29,915 if they found out that his wee princess was riding all the low-life scum 157 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,665 he gets paid fortunes for to keep out the nick? 158 00:11:33,791 --> 00:11:35,582 Do you want to do that to him? 159 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,624 Fucking hell! Jesus Christ! 160 00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:53,415 Who taught you that technique? A fucking cheesegrater? 161 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,790 I've got a good mind to tell your daddy now anyway after that poor excuse of an attempt. 162 00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,374 Please, don't. That's not fucking fair! 163 00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:11,040 - She told me she was 18. - Oh, dearie, dearie me. 164 00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:13,749 It's not the best time to be inside for riding kids, is it? 165 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,874 I make you right. Still, he's only gonna do six months. 166 00:12:15,958 --> 00:12:18,415 - Ah, posh fanny, though. - Fair enough. Two years then. 167 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,415 Problem is, if some law-abiding officers were to tell a strict 168 00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,540 - Freemason screw like Ronnie McArthur... - Ronnie McArthur. 169 00:12:23,625 --> 00:12:27,415 - ... that the girl in question was 11 or 10... - Or even eight. 170 00:12:27,541 --> 00:12:29,665 - Hey, come on, now, boys, eh? - Aye, eight would do it. 171 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,832 Then the poor cunt's life wouldn't be worth living, would it? 172 00:12:31,958 --> 00:12:34,874 - Straight to the Beast's wing in Saughton nick. - Aye, but hang on a minute. 173 00:12:34,958 --> 00:12:37,124 Suppose this stoat-the-baw had certain information 174 00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:38,665 that could help the law-abiding officers. 175 00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:41,207 - With a murder enquiry. - Ah, fuck sake. 176 00:12:42,750 --> 00:12:44,457 Nah, I'm not a grasser. 177 00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:49,249 Right, see, Ocky, there's this one guy in the Beast's wing that they call The Beast. 178 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:53,040 - The Beast? - No, no, no, no, not the Beast. 179 00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:55,249 - The... - ... Beast. 180 00:12:55,416 --> 00:12:57,457 Shouldn't really be inside a normal prison, to be fair. 181 00:12:57,625 --> 00:13:00,040 No, but the last time he escaped from a mental institution 182 00:13:00,166 --> 00:13:02,665 the local livestock bore the brunt of his frustrations. 183 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:07,040 - Fucked a Highland cow to death, so they say. - Tore the horns clean off the poor bastard. 184 00:13:07,208 --> 00:13:09,749 Ronnie says the only way they can keep The Beast quiet 185 00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:11,957 is by putting a new model in his cell every few weeks. 186 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:13,124 - A model? - Aye. 187 00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:16,249 That's what Ronnie and all the boys call the fresh-faced laddies they send him. 188 00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,457 - Supposed to be a big fucker as well. - Fuck off. 189 00:13:18,541 --> 00:13:20,832 You get your fucking hands off him and you stand up straight. 190 00:13:20,958 --> 00:13:24,415 6'4", full of muscle and deaf as a post. 191 00:13:24,541 --> 00:13:25,999 What's deaf got to do with it? 192 00:13:26,083 --> 00:13:28,749 Cos he can't hear you when you're screaming "no". 193 00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:31,832 - Hung like a Derby winner, so Ronnie says. - Aye. 194 00:13:31,958 --> 00:13:34,540 Splits them all first time without fail. 195 00:13:34,625 --> 00:13:37,249 One thing's certain, you'd come out of there with five new arseholes, pal. 196 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,457 That's if you ever do come out after an experience like that. 197 00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:42,082 So what's it gonna be, Ocky? 198 00:13:42,166 --> 00:13:44,832 - Grass up? - Or lock up? 199 00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:49,832 There you go, pal. 200 00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:53,124 You stop smoking, OK? 201 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:55,957 Yes! That's it. 202 00:13:57,708 --> 00:13:59,332 - That's it. - Oh, yes! 203 00:13:59,416 --> 00:14:01,832 That's it. Turn off my gas, Carole. Go. 204 00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:05,040 Go. Go! Go! 205 00:14:05,125 --> 00:14:07,624 Oh, yes! 206 00:14:24,625 --> 00:14:26,874 Did you really mean what you said about falling in love with me? 207 00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:31,040 You're a fucking cow, do you know that? 208 00:14:31,166 --> 00:14:36,749 We have been turning off the gas for each other and you are a work mate's missus. 209 00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:39,207 So, do you know what that makes you in my book? 210 00:14:39,291 --> 00:14:41,707 Do ya? It makes you a fucking cow. 211 00:14:41,833 --> 00:14:44,415 - Why are you being like this? - Because... Because, darlin', 212 00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:47,832 you let me in here and you let me in there. 213 00:14:48,708 --> 00:14:52,124 You don't let me in here. And that's what love is. 214 00:14:53,666 --> 00:14:56,665 What was all that? What was all that? What was all that fucking good stuff, eh? 215 00:14:56,750 --> 00:14:58,832 That was all just games, weren't it? Sad, silly wee games. 216 00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:03,165 A test if you will. A test which you have sadly and miserably failed. 217 00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:07,040 Why are you saying all this? And why did you call me by your wife's name? 218 00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:08,665 You said you loved me, not Carole. 219 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:11,665 I need you to take a good, long, hard think about what feelings actually are, OK? 220 00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:14,665 Because, if you want me to fix your head, easy-peasy Japanesey, 221 00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:17,540 but only you... only you can get in touch with your heart. 222 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,999 - But, Bruce... - If you want a fucking, 223 00:15:19,083 --> 00:15:21,957 if you want a shagging and a riding, I'm your man. 224 00:15:22,041 --> 00:15:25,832 However, I've got to inform you, I find all this just a little bit sordid. 225 00:15:25,916 --> 00:15:28,540 And I can only imagine how much this would hurt poor old Dougie 226 00:15:28,625 --> 00:15:31,624 if he found out. In his own fucking bed, Christ! 227 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,624 Bruce, please stay. We need to talk. 228 00:15:33,708 --> 00:15:36,165 No! I am on a murder case here. 229 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:38,624 That's M-U-R-D-E-R, 230 00:15:38,708 --> 00:15:41,457 which spells S-E-R-I-O-U-S. 231 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:47,540 So, if I don't get my A-R-S-E in G-E-A-R, I am in serious S-H-I-T, OK? 232 00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,374 You're being so cruel. 233 00:15:51,041 --> 00:15:53,957 Love is cruel, Chrissie. 234 00:15:55,583 --> 00:15:56,582 Love is cruel. 235 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,249 I think she's fucking somebody else as well, Robbo. 236 00:16:00,333 --> 00:16:01,499 No, no, no, no. 237 00:16:01,583 --> 00:16:06,540 It's killing me because I can't even prove it. Some detective me, eh? 238 00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:07,749 Listen, listen, listen. 239 00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,124 Your Chrissie is about as loyal as they come. 240 00:16:10,250 --> 00:16:12,832 - Ah, fuck off. - Come on, now. Come on. 241 00:16:12,916 --> 00:16:14,582 And cheer the fuck up. 242 00:16:14,666 --> 00:16:16,832 You know you're the favourite for the Chief Inspector position? 243 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:18,665 You reckon? 244 00:16:22,541 --> 00:16:24,957 Hey, you're lucky. Carole's great. 245 00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:28,374 She's a real beauty as well. 246 00:16:28,458 --> 00:16:31,415 Aye. I'd say you're right on that. 247 00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:35,832 - You two still as happy as ever? - Couldn't be happier. 248 00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:40,332 - How old's... - Seven. Stacey's seven. 249 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,457 Stacey, aye. 250 00:16:42,625 --> 00:16:44,540 - Here are the lads. - Gus. 251 00:16:44,708 --> 00:16:47,165 Thank Christ. Come on, sheriff's in town. Give us two. 252 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:50,332 Just the stuff, huh. That'll do nicely. 253 00:16:51,958 --> 00:16:56,749 - And how's that wife of yours keeping then? - Every day is Valentine's Day. 254 00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:59,457 - And you'd be Cupid, aye? - I'm the very boy, Robbo. 255 00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:02,332 - Some man, some man. - I'm the very boy. 256 00:17:06,666 --> 00:17:08,499 Well, I'd better be going home then, boys. 257 00:17:08,583 --> 00:17:11,040 Right enough. Take care of yourself then, pal. 258 00:17:17,958 --> 00:17:19,124 What's up with him? 259 00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:21,374 Never got a good word to say about anybody, that guy. 260 00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,332 Who, Dougie Gillman? 261 00:17:23,916 --> 00:17:27,165 Stab you in the back without even thinking about it. 262 00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:29,332 Catholic, you see. 263 00:17:29,541 --> 00:17:34,790 Saying that, look at young Ray Lennox there. He's as Protestant as you and I, and yet... 264 00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:37,665 Better no' say anything, actually. He's... Nah. 265 00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:39,749 - Oh, no, go on, Robbo. - No, he's a good boy, he's a good boy. 266 00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:41,957 Oh, go on. Go on. 267 00:17:42,041 --> 00:17:43,332 Do you see him in here? 268 00:17:46,041 --> 00:17:49,207 I don't even have to look around and I know that the answer is no. 269 00:17:50,416 --> 00:17:52,457 It's 3/1, he's in that deviant wine bar 270 00:17:52,541 --> 00:17:55,749 with the lesbian Amanda Drummond, cooking up all sorts of shenanigans. 271 00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:57,832 Oh, you're an awful man, Robbo. 272 00:17:57,958 --> 00:18:00,957 What do you think the main topic of conversation between them is gonna be? 273 00:18:02,208 --> 00:18:03,207 You. 274 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,749 Maybe me. 275 00:18:06,458 --> 00:18:09,457 Promotion. That's what, my friend. 276 00:18:09,541 --> 00:18:12,540 You think young Lennox is running with the hounds and hunting with the hares? 277 00:18:12,708 --> 00:18:14,124 You said it, Gus. 278 00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:16,915 I better keep a beady eye on that wee bastard. 279 00:18:17,083 --> 00:18:19,582 Don't want him spoiling the old promotion chances. 280 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:20,915 Christ, no. 281 00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:58,165 - Come on, come on, come on the Hearts. Are you a big fan then, mate? 282 00:18:59,041 --> 00:19:00,457 - I am indeed, pal. - So am I. 283 00:19:00,625 --> 00:19:02,832 Let me guess, here comes the bit about you being one as well. 284 00:19:02,916 --> 00:19:06,749 Ever since your granddaddy took you as a wee laddie. Blah, blah, pish and shite. 285 00:19:09,250 --> 00:19:12,915 - Job Centre's that way, Santa sweetheart. - Merry Christmas anyway, pal. 286 00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:15,832 I heard it's gonna be a cold one, mind you. 287 00:19:20,666 --> 00:19:22,457 Have a nice day. 288 00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:26,207 Oh, 2-1. You fucking beauty! Come on. 289 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:28,749 - Colin! Colin, come on! - Oh, for fuck's sake! 290 00:19:30,041 --> 00:19:32,832 - Please help. Somebody, please. - Out my way, out my way. I'm police. 291 00:19:32,958 --> 00:19:34,832 Hey, what's happening? Has anybody called an ambulance yet? 292 00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:36,665 - Colin, look at me. - Has he stopped breathing? 293 00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,749 Do something, please. Do something. 294 00:19:39,916 --> 00:19:41,749 Come on, Colin. 295 00:19:41,833 --> 00:19:43,540 Colin. Colin. 296 00:19:43,666 --> 00:19:45,124 Look at me. Come on. 297 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,165 Colin! Colin, come on! 298 00:19:47,250 --> 00:19:48,457 Come on! 299 00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:50,499 Oh, God. 300 00:19:52,666 --> 00:19:54,165 Oh, God. 301 00:19:55,166 --> 00:19:56,249 Oh, God. 302 00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:59,957 What's happened to that fucking ambulance then, eh? 303 00:20:00,041 --> 00:20:02,207 - Oh, God! - Somebody phone an ambulance! 304 00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:14,207 How have you been since our last consultation, Bruce? 305 00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:15,832 No problems, I presume, eh? 306 00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:19,749 None. 307 00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:22,832 I trust you're still taking your medication regularly, yes? 308 00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:25,624 Oh, aye. 309 00:20:25,750 --> 00:20:29,957 Well, this should see you through to your next appointment, yes? 310 00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:33,415 I'll see you in the new year. 311 00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:35,457 Right? 312 00:20:35,541 --> 00:20:38,915 - Merry Christmas to you, Bruce. - Thank you, Dr Rossi. Thank you. 313 00:20:41,916 --> 00:20:45,874 And Merry Christmas to you, too, eh? 314 00:20:46,291 --> 00:20:48,624 Well, thank you for that, Bruce. 315 00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,040 Oh, yes... 316 00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:12,332 Fuck off! 317 00:21:19,041 --> 00:21:20,332 Hello. 318 00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:24,707 Welcome to the Fantastic Shed Show. 319 00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:29,957 My mum's in. If she hears that I'm doing a TV show out in the garden, she'll go mad. 320 00:21:30,041 --> 00:21:33,249 Cunty Bunty, Cunty Bunty, how does your big minge grow? 321 00:21:36,458 --> 00:21:38,457 - Hello? - Hello, Bunty. 322 00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:41,165 It's Frank Sidebottom here. 323 00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:43,749 I've had just about enough of you. 324 00:21:43,833 --> 00:21:48,832 He told us, right, that you have got a big hairy fanny, though, Bunty. 325 00:21:48,958 --> 00:21:50,957 - You're pathetic! - That you... 326 00:21:51,125 --> 00:21:53,540 like to take it up the bum, Bunty. 327 00:21:53,666 --> 00:21:55,415 - Who told you that nonsense? - Eh... 328 00:21:55,541 --> 00:21:57,249 - Are you ready, Little Frank? - Little Frank. 329 00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:59,749 - Who's Little Frank? - I'm not talking any more, Bunty, I've got... 330 00:21:59,833 --> 00:22:01,707 - Is that you, Mum? - Oh, it's my mum. 331 00:22:01,833 --> 00:22:06,624 No, I'm not talking to dirty prostitutes again, Mum. You can't have the phone... 332 00:22:11,750 --> 00:22:13,249 Thank you, brothers. 333 00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:18,707 That concludes the formal part of this evening's proceedings and our meeting. 334 00:22:18,833 --> 00:22:22,040 Let us now retire for a moment of harmony. 335 00:22:31,291 --> 00:22:34,457 - What made you join the force, Bruce? - Police oppression, brother. 336 00:22:34,541 --> 00:22:37,457 I'd witnessed far too many cases of it in the mining community I grew up in. 337 00:22:37,625 --> 00:22:39,332 And you wanted to stamp it out from the inside? 338 00:22:39,416 --> 00:22:42,624 - No, I wanted to be a part of it. - You're a terror, Bruce. 339 00:22:43,125 --> 00:22:46,957 Clifford Blades, a chartered accountant and therefore a sad wanker. 340 00:22:47,041 --> 00:22:50,082 Bladesey's not only the newest and most gullible member of this Lodge, 341 00:22:50,166 --> 00:22:51,749 he's also the wealthiest. 342 00:22:51,833 --> 00:22:55,124 Ideal target practice for the games. Same rules apply. 343 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:58,457 And that's why the Craft's been so good for me, Bruce. Everyone's accepted. 344 00:22:58,541 --> 00:23:00,832 Enough of that shite. Are you getting any at home, Bladesey? 345 00:23:01,708 --> 00:23:04,124 Well, that side of things hasn't improved. 346 00:23:04,208 --> 00:23:06,249 This crank caller just won't stop phoning Bunty. 347 00:23:06,333 --> 00:23:08,124 It's affecting her, you know... 348 00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,165 Thing about women, you have to shag them regularly. 349 00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:14,165 You keep them fucked, man, they will do absolutely anything for you. 350 00:23:14,250 --> 00:23:16,540 Actually, two things. Well shod, well shagged. 351 00:23:16,666 --> 00:23:19,457 - And that's what you do with your wife, Bruce? - Course it fucking is. 352 00:23:19,541 --> 00:23:23,624 See, these marriage counselling fucking spastics, they will tell you a load of shite. 353 00:23:23,708 --> 00:23:27,749 The root of any marital problem is always, always sexual. 354 00:23:27,916 --> 00:23:30,832 If you're no' fucking the woman you're with, it opens this... 355 00:23:30,958 --> 00:23:32,957 - Vacuum. - ... vacuum, which sure as fuck 356 00:23:33,041 --> 00:23:34,749 some other cunt is gonna come and fill, 357 00:23:34,833 --> 00:23:38,832 and fill with several inches of prime Scottish beef, Brother Blades. 358 00:23:38,958 --> 00:23:40,832 And, you see, if she's no' doing the same for you, 359 00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:44,915 you go and get it somewhere else, just like that. 360 00:23:46,083 --> 00:23:48,249 I must say, I'm looking forward to our little trip to Hamburg. 361 00:23:48,333 --> 00:23:49,624 - Me too, pal. - Some nice museums. 362 00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:51,040 Prostitutes. 363 00:23:52,041 --> 00:23:53,749 Of all colours, shapes and sizes. 364 00:23:55,041 --> 00:23:57,457 - Sl�inte. - Sl�inte. 365 00:23:59,708 --> 00:24:03,332 - Excuse me, Bruce. I have to spend a penny. - Go for your life, pal. Don't fall in. 366 00:24:24,541 --> 00:24:27,749 - Will it be the usual, Brother Robertson? - Oh, yes, please, Hector. 367 00:24:32,333 --> 00:24:36,040 - I'll see you at my place on the weekend then. - Okey-dokey. 368 00:24:36,625 --> 00:24:38,457 Fucking pervert. 369 00:24:39,750 --> 00:24:42,457 Ah, on your own tonight then, Brother Robertson? 370 00:24:42,541 --> 00:24:44,540 No, thankfully not, Brother Toal. 371 00:24:44,625 --> 00:24:47,624 I just popped in to see Clifford Blades. You've just missed him. 372 00:24:47,750 --> 00:24:51,332 Well, aren't you and Brother Blades becoming quite the bosom buddies? 373 00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:54,332 - Oh, birds of a feather and all that. - Talking of Brother Blades, 374 00:24:54,416 --> 00:24:58,624 have those useless clowns from uniform found this pervert who keeps phoning his wife? 375 00:24:58,708 --> 00:25:01,207 - Regrettably not, sir, no. - Spastics! 376 00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:02,540 Aye. 377 00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:04,290 Look, would you mind overseeing it, Bruce? 378 00:25:04,375 --> 00:25:06,749 I wouldn't normally ask with something so trivial, 379 00:25:06,833 --> 00:25:09,457 but we just can't afford to be seen to be not taking care 380 00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:14,124 of such a potentially important benefactor to the lodge as Clifford Blades. 381 00:25:15,708 --> 00:25:18,332 And what's good for the lodge is good for the polis, eh? 382 00:25:18,458 --> 00:25:22,457 And another little brownie point for the promotion, Brother Robertson. 383 00:25:22,541 --> 00:25:24,249 Hush-hush, Toal. Hush-hush. 384 00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:29,540 Just you leave Mr and Mrs Blades in my safe hands, OK, Brother Toal? 385 00:25:35,833 --> 00:25:39,124 How can you just misplace �200? 386 00:25:40,458 --> 00:25:43,332 If I find out there's another woman involved, Clifford... 387 00:25:53,833 --> 00:25:57,374 This is Bruce, the detective friend I was telling you about, dear. 388 00:25:59,041 --> 00:26:01,624 Well, well, Clifford! 389 00:26:01,708 --> 00:26:05,540 You never told me you were hiding such a beautiful specimen. 390 00:26:05,625 --> 00:26:07,124 You are punching above your weight, champ. 391 00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:11,624 You're the one who's taking Clifford on this Masons' weekend to Scarborough, right? 392 00:26:12,125 --> 00:26:13,624 Sc... 393 00:26:16,541 --> 00:26:19,457 Aye, I am taking him to Scarborough. 394 00:26:20,958 --> 00:26:22,457 It's a pleasure to meet you, Bunty. 395 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:27,249 Please, to business. 396 00:26:29,458 --> 00:26:33,124 I understand how unsettling these prank calls must be to you, 397 00:26:33,208 --> 00:26:34,665 but I would ask you to be brave. 398 00:26:34,750 --> 00:26:36,249 I've dealt with this kind of scum in the past 399 00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:38,624 and I can tell you, they're all mouth and no trousers. 400 00:26:38,708 --> 00:26:44,207 However, slamming the phone down on him is only going to encourage him, OK? 401 00:26:44,333 --> 00:26:47,957 And if I know this guy like I think I know this guy, he's gonna like that. 402 00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:50,915 So I need you to indulge him a little bit. 403 00:26:51,333 --> 00:26:52,749 He'll soon come unstuck. 404 00:26:53,333 --> 00:26:56,124 But your uniformed colleague said not to encourage him. 405 00:26:56,208 --> 00:27:00,165 Oh, aye. No, we tell the younger, less experienced officers that, aye. 406 00:27:00,250 --> 00:27:01,957 And it usually makes the depravate stop. 407 00:27:02,041 --> 00:27:04,415 However, if you're wanting the man caught... 408 00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:07,915 I want him caught all right. I want that bastard to suffer! 409 00:27:09,041 --> 00:27:10,540 Excellent. 410 00:27:12,250 --> 00:27:14,832 Well, in that case, I suggest you play along. 411 00:27:14,916 --> 00:27:18,957 Tell him something about yourself. What you like. 412 00:27:20,833 --> 00:27:25,165 Up the stakes. Let hunter become hunted. 413 00:27:26,833 --> 00:27:29,749 We'll nail this slimy bastard for you, Clifford, no danger. 414 00:27:29,833 --> 00:27:32,249 Bunty, we're gonna get him. I can promise you that. 415 00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:34,540 Now, I want you to look after that brave, brave woman. 416 00:27:34,708 --> 00:27:36,124 Oh, I will, Bruce, I will. 417 00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:40,457 - I can't tell you how grateful I am, Bruce. - Oh, you just thank your hubby here. 418 00:27:40,625 --> 00:27:42,624 Low friends in high places, eh, Bladesey boy? 419 00:28:03,458 --> 00:28:05,249 A quick word, sir? 420 00:28:11,541 --> 00:28:13,999 Bruce. How goes the case? 421 00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:17,415 - Aye, fairly cut and dried actually, Bob. - Aye. 422 00:28:17,791 --> 00:28:23,457 A well-known, nasty little mob have been fingered by a willing informant, so it's... 423 00:28:23,541 --> 00:28:24,624 New poster. 424 00:28:24,708 --> 00:28:27,415 ...just a case of gathering the necessary evidence. 425 00:28:27,541 --> 00:28:29,665 - Me and Gus are on surveillance. - Good. 426 00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:34,540 The political thing has died a death now and the papers have got bored with it. 427 00:28:34,708 --> 00:28:37,749 A wog's a wog for all that, eh, Brother Robertson? 428 00:28:38,958 --> 00:28:42,915 You said it, Brother Toal. Your words, not mine. 429 00:28:44,250 --> 00:28:47,332 Right, about my cycling trip to Germany, sir. 430 00:28:47,458 --> 00:28:51,040 Oh, I can't say I'm pulling handkerchiefs out of my arse at the prospect 431 00:28:51,166 --> 00:28:53,915 but I suppose a few days won't put us too far behind. 432 00:28:54,041 --> 00:28:57,124 What does Carole have to say about you going away so close to Christmas? 433 00:28:57,208 --> 00:29:00,124 Oh, her and Stacey are just looking forward to their big presents. 434 00:29:00,208 --> 00:29:03,124 I always bring them back something nice, so there's never any problem. 435 00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:07,124 - You're the boss at home, then, Robbo? - Man of the fucking house and all that. 436 00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:13,540 Quite. OK... 437 00:29:15,250 --> 00:29:20,040 Just make sure you brief Amanda Drummond before you go. 438 00:29:24,833 --> 00:29:28,124 Do you really think she's got the balls to take over the reins in my absence? 439 00:29:28,208 --> 00:29:30,790 Think I'd rather hand temporary control over to Gus Bain if you don't mind. 440 00:29:30,875 --> 00:29:34,874 It's only for a short while and she needs the experience anyway. 441 00:29:35,958 --> 00:29:38,124 - Mmm-hmm. - Uh-huh. 442 00:29:40,958 --> 00:29:44,749 How the fuck did she ever get out of uniform? By shagging Toal, that's how. 443 00:29:44,833 --> 00:29:46,624 No! 444 00:29:46,750 --> 00:29:48,874 See, every time a woman drops her trousers, promotion. 445 00:29:49,166 --> 00:29:51,749 Every time a man drops theirs, disciplinary action. 446 00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,165 Where's the equality in that? 447 00:29:55,416 --> 00:29:58,040 Bingo! There's the fucker we're after. 448 00:29:59,208 --> 00:30:02,832 No, no, just you wait there, Gus, OK? No point going in mob-handed. 449 00:30:02,958 --> 00:30:04,040 OK. 450 00:30:11,250 --> 00:30:13,082 Wanna buy some flowers. 451 00:30:23,458 --> 00:30:25,249 Can I help you, sir? 452 00:30:26,375 --> 00:30:28,290 How's business? 453 00:30:28,375 --> 00:30:29,790 All right, I suppose. 454 00:30:29,916 --> 00:30:31,540 Really? I just seen a man leave empty-handed. 455 00:30:31,666 --> 00:30:33,999 - No' have anything in his line, no? - No. 456 00:30:34,083 --> 00:30:36,249 - Who was he? - Just some guy after roses. 457 00:30:36,375 --> 00:30:38,499 - I guess he changed his mind. - Mmm-hmm. 458 00:30:40,291 --> 00:30:43,374 - Do I know you from somewhere? - No. 459 00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:47,290 No, you don't. No, you fucking don't. 460 00:30:47,375 --> 00:30:49,249 - What have I done wrong? - Wasting police time, 461 00:30:49,333 --> 00:30:52,207 withholding information and possibly harbouring a murder suspect. 462 00:30:52,291 --> 00:30:54,374 - That's shite. - You will fucking cough up 463 00:30:54,458 --> 00:30:58,124 or I swear to God you will be stuffing cuddly toys in Corton Vale Prison 464 00:30:58,250 --> 00:31:00,957 faster than you can tie a bunch of fucking daffodils. 465 00:31:01,083 --> 00:31:02,749 Or maybe... 466 00:31:02,833 --> 00:31:07,249 maybe you would rather get your tulips around my bulbs. 467 00:31:08,875 --> 00:31:10,999 Would you like that? 468 00:31:11,083 --> 00:31:12,790 I think you would. 469 00:31:13,166 --> 00:31:15,999 Look, he's just a guy I know from the clubs. 470 00:31:16,083 --> 00:31:18,707 He comes in to talk about music and that is all. 471 00:31:18,791 --> 00:31:22,374 So, are you and your wee boyfriend just a two-man musical appreciation society then? 472 00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:25,290 - Is that what you're fucking telling me? - He's not my boyfriend, honest. 473 00:31:29,875 --> 00:31:31,374 I hope not. 474 00:31:32,458 --> 00:31:35,290 For his sake, you fat bastard. 475 00:31:39,250 --> 00:31:40,749 - Watch where you're... - Sorry. 476 00:31:42,291 --> 00:31:43,790 Hello. Eh... 477 00:31:44,875 --> 00:31:46,207 How are you? 478 00:31:47,208 --> 00:31:50,207 Yeah, I'm just going to pick the flowers up. 479 00:31:51,375 --> 00:31:54,082 - Oh, what, is the funeral today, aye? - Yeah. 480 00:31:54,208 --> 00:31:57,874 Right. Was that your wreath? The one that says "Dad"? 481 00:31:58,791 --> 00:32:00,999 - Yeah. - Um... 482 00:32:03,500 --> 00:32:05,999 How many kids have you got? 483 00:32:06,166 --> 00:32:08,707 Just one, a wee boy. 484 00:32:12,791 --> 00:32:14,665 You ever lost anyone close? 485 00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:17,374 Mmm-hmm. 486 00:32:19,083 --> 00:32:21,374 Hurts like hell, eh? 487 00:32:22,375 --> 00:32:23,999 Mmm-hmm. 488 00:32:27,291 --> 00:32:29,707 Um... 489 00:32:29,791 --> 00:32:33,082 Listen, I've got to go. I'm really sorry, I've got to go. 490 00:32:52,541 --> 00:32:54,415 Davie? 491 00:32:59,375 --> 00:33:00,874 Davie? 492 00:33:05,375 --> 00:33:06,874 Fuck! 493 00:33:41,500 --> 00:33:45,790 Ah, Bruce, I hear you have a pain, yes? 494 00:33:45,958 --> 00:33:47,582 Oh, a pain indeed, Doctor. 495 00:33:47,750 --> 00:33:51,165 And would this pain be one of your physical pains, yes? 496 00:33:51,291 --> 00:33:53,207 No, Doctor, my other kind. 497 00:33:53,291 --> 00:33:57,249 Well, the final destination of the pain recovery train 498 00:33:57,375 --> 00:34:00,165 is self-help via abstinence, Bruce, eh? 499 00:34:00,291 --> 00:34:03,957 I've already booked my seat in advance. Super-saver all the same. 500 00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:07,290 No more cocaine and chip suppers for Bruce, eh? 501 00:34:07,375 --> 00:34:10,124 Oh, those items were previously favourites of the Detective Sergeant, 502 00:34:10,208 --> 00:34:11,415 of course they were. 503 00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:14,790 And what of this promotion, eh? 504 00:34:14,958 --> 00:34:17,207 A mere formality, I'm sure. 505 00:34:17,291 --> 00:34:20,999 Only champions can rewrite history, yes? 506 00:34:21,166 --> 00:34:24,790 Yes, I've always believed that it's the winning that's important, not the taking part. 507 00:34:24,875 --> 00:34:29,374 Only winners are more attractive to the opposite sex, Bruce, eh? 508 00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:34,082 Like our successful friend here, the tapeworm. 509 00:34:34,208 --> 00:34:36,707 Yes? 510 00:34:36,791 --> 00:34:38,207 Who do we trust, Bruce? 511 00:34:39,166 --> 00:34:40,582 Why, no one, of course. 512 00:34:41,208 --> 00:34:45,957 Not your friends, not your family, not even yourself, Bruce. 513 00:34:46,083 --> 00:34:49,790 Especially not yourself, eh? 514 00:34:49,875 --> 00:34:52,290 Now, about that pain... 515 00:34:52,375 --> 00:34:54,957 Yes! 516 00:34:55,083 --> 00:34:56,874 Come on, big man, you stiffen up. 517 00:34:56,958 --> 00:35:00,790 Come on, big man, you fucking stiffen. Come on, big man, you fucking stiffen... 518 00:35:02,250 --> 00:35:03,874 Fucking, fucking! 519 00:35:05,291 --> 00:35:07,790 Ugly little fucking slag. 520 00:35:13,291 --> 00:35:16,999 Dirty poofy bastard. 521 00:35:33,166 --> 00:35:36,874 Peter. Peter, have you seen the graffiti in the men's toilets? 522 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:38,207 What? No. 523 00:35:38,291 --> 00:35:41,999 Some nasty little bastard has written something which, 524 00:35:42,166 --> 00:35:44,582 well, let's just say, questions your sexuality. 525 00:35:47,875 --> 00:35:51,749 Well, there's always something or other. I don't let it bother me any more, Bruce. 526 00:35:51,875 --> 00:35:53,874 It's silly. 527 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,499 Oh, come on, man. You elected me your union representative 528 00:35:56,666 --> 00:35:58,249 so I have to let it bother me 529 00:35:58,375 --> 00:36:01,749 and I can't have your character defamed in this outrageous manner any longer. 530 00:36:01,833 --> 00:36:02,832 I'm going straight to Toal. 531 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,665 No, no, you're all right, Bruce. I'll just go and clean it off. 532 00:36:05,750 --> 00:36:09,165 Somebody is playing silly billies here. 533 00:36:09,291 --> 00:36:11,499 - Such a load of bloody nonsense. - And I just hope... 534 00:36:11,666 --> 00:36:13,707 I just hope 535 00:36:13,791 --> 00:36:16,790 I don't find out who. 536 00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:20,207 Gaffer? Gaffer, I want you to come and see some more of this disgusting graffiti 537 00:36:20,291 --> 00:36:22,290 that's been written about poor Peter Inglis. 538 00:36:22,375 --> 00:36:23,499 I don't have time for every... 539 00:36:23,583 --> 00:36:27,290 As fed rep I don't have time to see a fellow officer humiliated. 540 00:36:27,375 --> 00:36:30,374 Of course. Listen, Robbo... 541 00:36:30,500 --> 00:36:32,582 - Peter isn't... - What, sir? 542 00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:35,999 You're gonna have to be careful what you say here, sir. 543 00:36:36,166 --> 00:36:39,665 He isn't like the graffiti says... 544 00:36:42,166 --> 00:36:43,165 Is he? 545 00:36:43,291 --> 00:36:45,207 Whether he is or isn't is entirely his own business, 546 00:36:45,291 --> 00:36:48,707 but he's being harassed and we operate a non-discriminatory policy 547 00:36:48,791 --> 00:36:50,290 on the grounds of sexual orientation. 548 00:36:50,750 --> 00:36:54,374 But he can't be sexually harassed if he's not really, well... 549 00:36:54,458 --> 00:36:56,499 What, sir? 550 00:36:56,666 --> 00:37:00,790 ...gay, I think the fashionable term for it is these days. 551 00:37:00,958 --> 00:37:03,249 What he gets up to privately is his own business. 552 00:37:03,375 --> 00:37:07,790 To be honest with you, I don't even know that much about the chap, but... Oh. 553 00:37:07,875 --> 00:37:11,082 This bullying... This bullying has to stop. 554 00:37:16,208 --> 00:37:18,499 Did you do her up the arse? 555 00:37:18,666 --> 00:37:22,082 Where else is there? Pussy's for faggots. 556 00:37:24,500 --> 00:37:28,957 Right, come on, let's go and see what Gorman and his wee boyfriend are made of. 557 00:37:34,291 --> 00:37:37,207 Everything you need to know about those guys are in the jars, darling. 558 00:37:40,291 --> 00:37:44,540 - DN-fucking-A, man. Really? - Jesus Christ. 559 00:37:45,250 --> 00:37:47,249 Maisie, gratitude. 560 00:37:54,791 --> 00:37:57,290 See, this is the wonderful thing about being polis, Ray. 561 00:37:57,375 --> 00:37:59,332 Doesnae really matter if everybody hates your guts 562 00:37:59,416 --> 00:38:02,207 as long as they're civil to your fucking face. 563 00:38:02,291 --> 00:38:03,499 Is that no' right, Maisie? 564 00:38:03,583 --> 00:38:06,999 Same rules apply, darling. Same rules apply. 565 00:38:07,791 --> 00:38:12,290 See, Maisie here would teach you things your mother wouldn't. 566 00:38:12,458 --> 00:38:14,290 I only do it for love now, son. 567 00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:15,915 If you change your mind, this is the boy for the job. 568 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,707 Getting quite the reputation as a young stallion, aren't you, pal, eh? 569 00:38:19,791 --> 00:38:23,749 Right, we'd better be off-ski. We've got the Christmas party. 570 00:38:23,875 --> 00:38:26,165 Christ, I never thought I'd see the day when I left a knocking shop 571 00:38:26,291 --> 00:38:28,790 with more spunk than I came in with. 572 00:38:30,375 --> 00:38:32,790 - Thank you. - Thanks very much, son. 573 00:38:34,458 --> 00:38:36,707 I tell you, Gus, this is the only kind of networking 574 00:38:36,791 --> 00:38:38,915 I don't mind doing with the Indian community. 575 00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,457 I do love a good curry all the same. 576 00:38:41,583 --> 00:38:45,374 Edith and I, we're actually thinking of going to Sri Lanka next year for our holidays. 577 00:38:45,500 --> 00:38:48,665 - I don't know. Show us your tits. - Show me yours, I'll show you mine. 578 00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:56,082 Party games. Gather round. 579 00:38:56,500 --> 00:39:01,999 I remember when I used to work in Sydney, we played this party game at the crimbo party. 580 00:39:02,083 --> 00:39:03,207 What was that, then? 581 00:39:03,291 --> 00:39:06,665 Oh, no. Listen, there's ladies present, Karen, so I better not say. 582 00:39:06,791 --> 00:39:09,457 Come on, Robbo, don't start something you cannae fucking finish, man. 583 00:39:10,958 --> 00:39:13,207 - Come on, Brucie. Come on, Brucie. - All right. 584 00:39:13,291 --> 00:39:16,749 - Well, come on, pal. Let's go, man. - OK, then, Raymondo. 585 00:39:16,875 --> 00:39:20,499 What we would do is, all the men would go to the photocopying room. 586 00:39:20,666 --> 00:39:23,290 One by one, of course. No offence if that's your thing. 587 00:39:23,458 --> 00:39:27,499 And what we'd do is we would photocopy an image of our wedding tackle. 588 00:39:29,083 --> 00:39:31,957 Oh, I just knew what was going on here! 589 00:39:33,500 --> 00:39:36,999 And then one of the sheilas would pin it to a notice board. 590 00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:41,082 It'd then be up to the lassies to match the male member with the corresponding owner. 591 00:39:41,208 --> 00:39:43,249 - What a load of bollocks, man. - Let's do it. 592 00:39:43,375 --> 00:39:45,082 Come on! 593 00:40:45,958 --> 00:40:48,957 Fuck me with that horse's cock. 594 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,790 What? 595 00:41:23,291 --> 00:41:25,790 Here we go, lads, another round. 596 00:41:28,166 --> 00:41:29,374 Who the fuck is that? 597 00:41:31,666 --> 00:41:33,707 Peter. Peter! 598 00:41:33,791 --> 00:41:38,082 I haven't seen you in such a long time, sweetie. Where have you been hiding? 599 00:41:38,750 --> 00:41:40,499 Brought some friends along, I see. 600 00:41:40,583 --> 00:41:43,832 Who the fuck are you? Here, I don't know this guy. 601 00:41:44,333 --> 00:41:48,374 Sorry, I didn't realise it was that kind of scene. 602 00:41:48,458 --> 00:41:51,082 Huh! Peter can be so sensitive. 603 00:41:51,208 --> 00:41:54,540 Ho! I don't fucking know you! OK? 604 00:41:54,666 --> 00:41:56,874 - Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man. - But I don't know the guy, Ray. 605 00:41:57,333 --> 00:41:58,707 Well, he seems to know you. 606 00:41:58,791 --> 00:42:01,790 You wrote that fucking shite on the toilet wall, didn't you? 607 00:42:01,958 --> 00:42:05,499 Did I fuck! Probably one of your fucking boyfriends. 608 00:42:08,666 --> 00:42:12,999 You disgust me. Get your face off my cock! 609 00:42:13,083 --> 00:42:17,499 Get off me, you fucking cocksucker! 610 00:42:18,041 --> 00:42:19,665 Don't even think about defending Gillman. 611 00:42:19,750 --> 00:42:21,999 Well, I'm gonna have to consider my position on that one, Bob. 612 00:42:22,083 --> 00:42:25,374 Bruce, things are bloody difficult for me at the moment with this murder case nuisance. 613 00:42:25,458 --> 00:42:28,999 On top of that, not only is there a latent Nazi racist homophobe 614 00:42:29,166 --> 00:42:31,582 but a bloody jessie boy in the hat for the inspector's post. 615 00:42:31,708 --> 00:42:34,749 Now, listen, are you referring to Brother Inglis here? Cos if you are... 616 00:42:34,875 --> 00:42:38,082 How can we have someone of his disposition leading fellow officers? 617 00:42:38,250 --> 00:42:39,874 Policy or no bloody policy, 618 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:44,499 I won't pretend I don't find the idea of two men doing it to each other... 619 00:42:46,708 --> 00:42:48,207 ...totally disgusting. 620 00:42:49,416 --> 00:42:50,874 But that's by the way. 621 00:42:50,958 --> 00:42:54,082 - I still don't see what that's got to do... - Oh, come on, Bruce. 622 00:42:54,250 --> 00:42:57,707 How can you have confidence in a man who is constantly undressing you with his eyes, 623 00:42:57,791 --> 00:43:00,124 masturbating over images of you? 624 00:43:00,208 --> 00:43:01,707 It'd just be a compromise. 625 00:43:01,791 --> 00:43:04,290 Surely that's a bit caveman, Bob. 626 00:43:04,375 --> 00:43:07,290 In some parts of the country the force even advertise in the gay press now. 627 00:43:07,375 --> 00:43:09,957 This isn't some parts of the country. 628 00:43:10,083 --> 00:43:13,290 This is Scotland, by Christ! 629 00:43:31,958 --> 00:43:34,915 Me and Bruce play these break-up/make-up games, 630 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,832 but it only makes our hearts grow fonder. 631 00:43:38,250 --> 00:43:42,707 In a sense we're always together, because nothing... 632 00:43:42,791 --> 00:43:48,165 Space, time, or distance, can break our delicious communion. 633 00:43:53,666 --> 00:43:57,624 - Here are your drinks, sir. - Merci, Fr�ulein, merci. 634 00:43:58,500 --> 00:44:02,207 But heterosexual anal sex need not imply an attitude of misogyny. 635 00:44:02,291 --> 00:44:07,749 I read in one of Bunty's magazines that 20% of heterosexual couples enjoy anal sex 636 00:44:07,875 --> 00:44:10,999 - while only 50% of homosexual couples do. - Whoa, ho, ho. 637 00:44:11,083 --> 00:44:13,999 What, are you saying that half the fucking poofs walking about down there 638 00:44:14,083 --> 00:44:16,124 don't actually do each other up the fucking arsehole? 639 00:44:16,208 --> 00:44:18,082 Bruce, I was only telling you what the article said. 640 00:44:18,166 --> 00:44:21,499 Aye, and I'll tell you something else about all that fucking rap music, man. 641 00:44:21,583 --> 00:44:24,874 It's all fucking bullshit cos I read this article, proper, medical. 642 00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,790 It says that white women, right, are 10 times more likely 643 00:44:27,875 --> 00:44:29,582 to give blow jobs than black women. 644 00:44:29,666 --> 00:44:30,874 So where does that leave them? 645 00:44:30,958 --> 00:44:34,124 Up the fucking spout without a blow job, that's where, pal. 646 00:44:34,208 --> 00:44:36,415 Well, unless it's the white women who they're referring to 647 00:44:36,500 --> 00:44:38,582 who are actually performing the fellatio. 648 00:44:38,666 --> 00:44:41,207 Let me tell you something, Bladesey. 649 00:44:41,291 --> 00:44:44,915 Only a white bird who was not right in the fucking head 650 00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:48,040 would even think about going with one of them. 651 00:44:54,291 --> 00:44:58,207 It wasn't even a country until 1865. 652 00:45:00,875 --> 00:45:06,790 Fish market, the actor Hans Albers and FC St Pauli football club. 653 00:45:06,958 --> 00:45:10,082 Get into the fucking index and look up fucking "fanny". 654 00:45:10,250 --> 00:45:13,082 The Reeperbahn, the red light district. 655 00:45:13,250 --> 00:45:14,790 Need to take a picture of what a cunt looks like. 656 00:45:37,791 --> 00:45:39,082 Can you put that in a bottle? 657 00:45:39,166 --> 00:45:40,540 No. Don't touch it, Bruce. You're not allowed to. 658 00:45:40,625 --> 00:45:43,124 - You've got to be able to touch fucking history. - No, you can't, Bruce. 659 00:45:43,208 --> 00:45:45,082 Bruce! 660 00:45:45,166 --> 00:45:48,082 Bruce! Bruce! 661 00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:50,499 Bruce! 662 00:46:07,458 --> 00:46:08,957 Is this a real prostitute? 663 00:46:10,208 --> 00:46:12,499 Arschficken, me and her. 50? 664 00:46:12,583 --> 00:46:15,207 - Arschficken. 50. - Thanks very much. 665 00:46:15,291 --> 00:46:16,374 Right, Brunhilde. 666 00:46:16,458 --> 00:46:20,207 - My name's Clifford. Bladesey, don't go bareback. 667 00:46:20,291 --> 00:46:21,790 I'm a Gemini. 668 00:46:23,500 --> 00:46:24,749 Can I just have a glass of water? 669 00:46:24,833 --> 00:46:28,165 Not at all. I've got something else in mind for you. 670 00:46:29,208 --> 00:46:32,749 Here, here, here, here, here. Look at these two. Look at these two. 671 00:46:32,875 --> 00:46:34,957 Fucking bufties. Disgusting. 672 00:46:35,083 --> 00:46:37,249 Absolutely fucking... 673 00:46:38,166 --> 00:46:39,707 ...disgusting. 674 00:46:41,958 --> 00:46:44,915 I've never seen the attraction of it myself. 675 00:46:45,291 --> 00:46:46,790 Cheers, pal. 676 00:46:46,875 --> 00:46:48,165 Cheers. 677 00:47:10,125 --> 00:47:14,332 Bladesey, just take your coat off. You're overheating, man. Just fucking... 678 00:47:18,125 --> 00:47:19,540 Bladesey, I... 679 00:47:19,625 --> 00:47:23,415 I need you to fucking calm yourself. You're really messing with my fucking trip. 680 00:47:23,541 --> 00:47:24,707 Calm your... 681 00:47:24,833 --> 00:47:28,624 Fucking calm yourself, man. Calm yourself. Fuck off... 682 00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:31,915 You're on your fucking own, Bladesey. 683 00:48:09,333 --> 00:48:10,332 Fuck off! 684 00:48:11,750 --> 00:48:14,332 Get your fucking hands off me! 685 00:48:14,416 --> 00:48:15,415 Piss off! 686 00:48:27,750 --> 00:48:29,707 Carole. 687 00:48:31,291 --> 00:48:33,207 Carole. 688 00:48:33,291 --> 00:48:36,124 Carole. 689 00:48:36,250 --> 00:48:39,124 No. Where's Stacey? Where's Stacey? Where's Stacey? 690 00:49:12,125 --> 00:49:13,624 Hello? 691 00:49:13,791 --> 00:49:16,832 Do you know what time it is, Bruce? Get into work right now. 692 00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:20,665 Right... Right, I'll be in in, say, 25 minutes. 693 00:49:46,708 --> 00:49:47,832 You wanted to... 694 00:49:49,291 --> 00:49:50,540 ...see me? 695 00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:52,540 Take a seat. 696 00:49:52,625 --> 00:49:53,915 As you obviously know, Bruce, 697 00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:58,207 Amanda took a lead role in the murder investigation in your absence. 698 00:49:58,375 --> 00:50:02,957 I have decided after some deliberation that this should remain the case. 699 00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:05,124 You have got to be fucking joking me! 700 00:50:05,208 --> 00:50:06,832 - I beg your pardon? - Are you deaf? 701 00:50:06,916 --> 00:50:09,624 I expect you to give her your full co-operation. 702 00:50:09,708 --> 00:50:13,582 Since you've been away the media have taken an interest again. 703 00:50:14,041 --> 00:50:17,874 Press relations is exactly the kind of area that Amanda here is strong in. 704 00:50:18,541 --> 00:50:23,124 Amanda, can you please brief Bruce on the latest developments? 705 00:50:23,291 --> 00:50:24,290 Yes, Bob. 706 00:50:24,416 --> 00:50:26,915 Gus has already filled me in, so there's really no need. 707 00:50:27,041 --> 00:50:28,415 Gus isn't on the ball, Bruce! 708 00:50:28,541 --> 00:50:31,040 OK, then, Mandy, fire away. 709 00:50:31,125 --> 00:50:33,124 We're going to have to bring in Gorman for questioning. 710 00:50:33,875 --> 00:50:35,957 Not so sure that's a good idea there, Mandy. 711 00:50:36,041 --> 00:50:40,249 You see, he's a hardened criminal and with a lawyer like Conrad Donaldson behind him 712 00:50:40,333 --> 00:50:42,124 could go either way. 713 00:50:43,375 --> 00:50:45,124 Nice cycling trip, Bruce? 714 00:50:45,208 --> 00:50:48,415 Enough with the idle banter. Shall we crack on with the case? 715 00:50:48,750 --> 00:50:52,249 Maybe start by finding this blonde witness you forgot to tell us about. 716 00:50:52,333 --> 00:50:56,332 These are crafty bastards we're dealing with. We need hard evidence. 717 00:50:57,416 --> 00:50:58,915 I'll just go and get some, eh? 718 00:51:02,416 --> 00:51:04,624 - Bruce, can I have a word? - Course you can, sweetheart. 719 00:51:04,708 --> 00:51:07,832 Do you have to refer to me in that condescending way? 720 00:51:07,916 --> 00:51:11,207 - Mandy, you're taking this far too seriously. - My name is Amanda. 721 00:51:11,333 --> 00:51:14,624 You think you've got a chance of getting this fucking promotion, don't you? 722 00:51:16,416 --> 00:51:17,415 Bruce. 723 00:51:17,541 --> 00:51:19,124 - Someone here to see you. - Maybe in a wee min... 724 00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:27,040 We'll continue this later. 725 00:51:33,500 --> 00:51:35,040 Maybe a wee bit of privacy, eh, Peter? 726 00:51:39,416 --> 00:51:43,290 I came last week, but they told me you were on holiday. 727 00:51:44,791 --> 00:51:48,124 I wanted to thank you personally for everything you did for Colin. 728 00:51:48,250 --> 00:51:50,999 Aye. Aye, well, I just wish I could have done more to help him. 729 00:51:55,541 --> 00:51:57,624 This is the man who tried to save your daddy. 730 00:51:58,500 --> 00:52:02,249 He helped when the others just stood back and watched. 731 00:52:02,333 --> 00:52:03,915 He's a fine man, son. 732 00:52:05,541 --> 00:52:08,540 I'd like you to be like him when you grow up. 733 00:52:13,750 --> 00:52:17,124 They said it was your favourite team's colours so... 734 00:52:18,416 --> 00:52:20,124 I knitted it especially. 735 00:52:21,541 --> 00:52:23,999 I just wanted to say... 736 00:52:26,125 --> 00:52:27,665 ...Merry Christmas. 737 00:52:32,916 --> 00:52:34,624 Say bye to the detective, Euan. 738 00:52:34,750 --> 00:52:36,624 - Bye-bye. - Bye-bye, pal. 739 00:52:38,208 --> 00:52:41,707 Here, here, here... Don't... Don't go. Um... Just... 740 00:52:42,541 --> 00:52:44,207 This is... 741 00:52:44,333 --> 00:52:46,749 This is just my... 742 00:52:46,833 --> 00:52:49,415 It's my home telephone number. 743 00:52:49,541 --> 00:52:51,124 And my home address. 744 00:52:53,125 --> 00:52:55,457 In case you ever need any help. 745 00:52:58,041 --> 00:52:59,707 For anything. 746 00:53:01,416 --> 00:53:02,999 Thanks. 747 00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:15,415 Do you know what Drummond says to me? 748 00:53:15,541 --> 00:53:19,499 She tells me that we've got to bring in Gorman for questioning. 749 00:53:21,541 --> 00:53:24,915 I just laughed in her face and then I fucked off. 750 00:53:25,041 --> 00:53:26,915 - What do you think of that? - Aye, nice job, mate. 751 00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:28,040 - Aye. - Yeah. 752 00:53:28,125 --> 00:53:31,749 These young ones, Ray. These fucking young ones! 753 00:53:34,666 --> 00:53:36,207 I'll get the drinks in. 754 00:53:51,208 --> 00:53:52,957 Listen, Robbo, I've got something to tell you. 755 00:53:53,833 --> 00:53:56,999 I don't want you getting the wrong idea and this is why I'm letting you know first. 756 00:53:59,541 --> 00:54:02,415 Listen, I really want to get on in the department, right, 757 00:54:02,500 --> 00:54:05,915 but I've not got enough experience, though, eh? 758 00:54:07,541 --> 00:54:09,207 I don't know, Ray. 759 00:54:10,291 --> 00:54:11,999 All depends on how good you are, doesn't it? 760 00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:15,207 I mean, I even thought about applying for the inspector's job. 761 00:54:16,250 --> 00:54:20,624 You know, but I just thought it was a good idea to get some practice with the... 762 00:54:21,541 --> 00:54:24,457 ...you know, with the selection procedures. 763 00:54:26,708 --> 00:54:29,874 - What do you think? - Cannae do you any harm, pal. 764 00:54:31,041 --> 00:54:33,749 You're right. It can't do any harm, you know, flying up a kite, 765 00:54:33,833 --> 00:54:35,915 just so they know who Ray fucking Lennox is, eh? 766 00:54:42,416 --> 00:54:44,915 You need to watch some sly bastards. 767 00:54:45,916 --> 00:54:47,790 - What do you mean? - I'm just saying 768 00:54:47,916 --> 00:54:51,290 that you need to watch some sly bastards. 769 00:54:52,125 --> 00:54:53,624 Like who? Who? 770 00:54:54,333 --> 00:54:55,415 Gus. 771 00:54:56,291 --> 00:54:57,707 - Gus Bain? - Aye. 772 00:54:59,125 --> 00:55:01,124 I mean, he's always been all right with me, man, you know. 773 00:55:01,250 --> 00:55:04,374 He's been taking quite an interest in the extracurricular activities 774 00:55:04,458 --> 00:55:06,832 of a certain Ray Lennox. 775 00:55:06,916 --> 00:55:10,040 Just watch what you say about Bonnie Prince Charlie here 776 00:55:10,125 --> 00:55:12,415 when Gus Bain is around. Do you understand me? 777 00:55:12,541 --> 00:55:15,832 You know, I would never say anything about the chang to anybody, you know? 778 00:55:16,958 --> 00:55:22,374 But I will definitely watch what I fucking say around that sly old fucking grasser now, eh? 779 00:55:22,625 --> 00:55:24,624 You cannae fucking trust anybody any more, can you? 780 00:55:35,625 --> 00:55:39,749 I must look divine, especially in the middle of this bunch of freaks. 781 00:55:44,541 --> 00:55:47,124 They all fancy Carole Robertson, see? 782 00:55:47,250 --> 00:55:51,415 Well, you can look, but you can't touch. 783 00:55:56,125 --> 00:55:58,415 There's only one person that can have me. 784 00:55:58,541 --> 00:56:03,707 Although, if he really wants me, he'll have to get that promotion. 785 00:56:04,625 --> 00:56:06,457 Time waits for no man. 786 00:56:12,416 --> 00:56:16,249 Yeah? What have you got, darling? 787 00:56:19,916 --> 00:56:23,499 What do you think? Is it nice? Oh, it's quite nice. 788 00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:29,415 That's it. 789 00:56:35,500 --> 00:56:37,332 Hello, darling. Wave to the camera, darling. 790 00:56:48,541 --> 00:56:50,624 I'm not too sure about this one, Bruce. 791 00:56:53,750 --> 00:56:56,540 Hello? - I bet... 792 00:56:58,125 --> 00:57:01,915 You've been thinking about me a lot, haven't you, Bunty? 793 00:57:03,541 --> 00:57:06,249 I haven't stopped thinking about you. 794 00:57:07,500 --> 00:57:11,415 I bet they told you to ignore me, though. 795 00:57:11,541 --> 00:57:14,832 - Didn't they? - Oh yes, they fucking did. 796 00:57:15,541 --> 00:57:17,124 But... 797 00:57:17,833 --> 00:57:20,165 This is... 798 00:57:21,750 --> 00:57:24,082 ...so much more fun, Frank. 799 00:57:24,916 --> 00:57:26,790 Would you... 800 00:57:28,333 --> 00:57:30,707 What? 801 00:57:33,416 --> 00:57:35,582 Would you 802 00:57:35,666 --> 00:57:38,665 like to see my cock, 803 00:57:39,791 --> 00:57:41,332 Bunty? 804 00:57:41,500 --> 00:57:44,624 I'd like to do more than that, Frank. 805 00:57:46,041 --> 00:57:48,999 I'd like to 806 00:57:49,083 --> 00:57:52,332 put your cock in my fucking mouth. 807 00:57:53,625 --> 00:57:56,624 That's what I would like to do. 808 00:57:58,333 --> 00:58:01,832 And then I would like you 809 00:58:01,916 --> 00:58:04,165 to put your cock 810 00:58:04,250 --> 00:58:07,999 inside of my fucking beautiful body. 811 00:58:10,541 --> 00:58:14,915 That's what I would like, Frank, and for you to go as fast as you can. 812 00:58:15,041 --> 00:58:17,874 Fucking go as fast 813 00:58:17,958 --> 00:58:19,999 as you can, Frank! 814 00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:25,624 Fuck me. Fuck me! 815 00:58:28,791 --> 00:58:31,415 - Yeah! - That's what I'd like, Frank. 816 00:58:38,125 --> 00:58:42,249 How's the lovely Carole at Christmas? 817 00:58:42,333 --> 00:58:45,124 A lovely Christmas carol. 818 00:58:45,250 --> 00:58:46,832 Yes? 819 00:59:09,541 --> 00:59:11,165 Eh? Eh? 820 00:59:11,458 --> 00:59:13,165 Eh? 821 00:59:13,250 --> 00:59:15,749 Bigger pain, bigger jar. 822 00:59:15,833 --> 00:59:18,915 Bigger pills, Bruce, yes? 823 00:59:19,041 --> 00:59:20,207 Yeah! 824 00:59:20,291 --> 00:59:24,124 Fuck you, Carole Robertson! Fuck you, Carole Robertson! 825 00:59:26,041 --> 00:59:27,999 Turn off my gas, Bruce! 826 00:59:31,083 --> 00:59:34,624 Fuck you, Dougie Gillman! 827 00:59:40,833 --> 00:59:42,915 Repressed people. 828 00:59:43,041 --> 00:59:46,040 You have to pity them more than anything else. 829 00:59:47,041 --> 00:59:49,582 I was like that before I met Bruce. 830 00:59:50,791 --> 00:59:53,165 But he brought me out of myself. 831 00:59:56,041 --> 00:59:59,124 That's what our sex club was about. 832 01:00:00,041 --> 01:00:02,832 Bruce knows that our wee games and flirtations 833 01:00:02,916 --> 01:00:07,624 only serve to strengthen our love by making it confront its true nature. 834 01:00:08,583 --> 01:00:11,915 I'm a better person now. 835 01:00:12,833 --> 01:00:14,832 A different person. 836 01:01:49,125 --> 01:01:51,540 The fucking bitch has left me. 837 01:01:51,625 --> 01:01:56,457 Christmas fucking Day and the bitch leaves me. 838 01:02:04,125 --> 01:02:08,624 - Merry Christmas, Robbo! - Aye, same to you, Gus. Same to you. 839 01:02:08,750 --> 01:02:10,332 So what's your plans, then? 840 01:02:10,416 --> 01:02:13,499 Ah, just the usual family shite and all that. 841 01:02:13,625 --> 01:02:15,207 Me, too. 842 01:02:16,333 --> 01:02:17,415 Fuck! 843 01:02:20,208 --> 01:02:22,790 Are you all right, Bruce? 844 01:02:23,625 --> 01:02:25,124 Oh, aye. 845 01:02:25,250 --> 01:02:27,915 - Are you all right, Robbo? - Aye. 846 01:02:30,833 --> 01:02:32,915 - Happy Christmas, sir. - Don't you "Happy Christmas" me. 847 01:02:33,041 --> 01:02:34,915 - Come again? - Look at the state you're in, Bruce. 848 01:02:35,041 --> 01:02:38,249 You're a disgrace to the force. This murder case is still hanging over us 849 01:02:38,333 --> 01:02:40,832 and you haven't even managed to find the Blades' phantom phone-caller. 850 01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:43,499 I am quickly becoming the laughing-stock of the Lodge. 851 01:02:43,625 --> 01:02:46,790 And you are about to lose any chance you ever had of this promotion. 852 01:02:46,916 --> 01:02:49,124 No, no, no, no, no, no. I know who the pervert is, sir. 853 01:02:49,250 --> 01:02:50,415 Aye... 854 01:02:51,666 --> 01:02:52,999 It's Clifford Blades. 855 01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:56,332 It's Clifford Blades himself, sir. 856 01:03:00,041 --> 01:03:01,832 I'll get you proof. 857 01:03:02,541 --> 01:03:05,040 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 858 01:03:19,541 --> 01:03:20,999 Davie. 859 01:03:26,625 --> 01:03:28,624 Davie, it wasn't my fault. 860 01:03:32,625 --> 01:03:33,707 It wasn't my... 861 01:03:44,041 --> 01:03:47,249 Your message sounded urgent, so I came straight over. 862 01:03:47,833 --> 01:03:49,874 I wanted to drop your present off anyway 863 01:03:49,958 --> 01:03:52,124 because I'm going to England to see my parents. 864 01:03:52,208 --> 01:03:54,165 Mother's not very well. 865 01:03:55,125 --> 01:03:57,749 Bunty's not best pleased about me going. 866 01:03:57,833 --> 01:03:59,415 This creep just won't stop phoning her. 867 01:03:59,500 --> 01:04:03,707 I... I never got you anything. 868 01:04:03,791 --> 01:04:05,624 Doesn't matter. 869 01:04:08,250 --> 01:04:10,332 It's good to see you, pal. 870 01:04:10,916 --> 01:04:12,124 Good to see somebody. 871 01:04:13,208 --> 01:04:15,040 Good to see you. 872 01:04:17,333 --> 01:04:18,832 You want a wee whisky? Cheer you up. 873 01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:21,707 - No, best not. I'm driving. - You'll fucking sit down, man! 874 01:04:22,583 --> 01:04:25,415 You'll stay over here tonight and you'll go tomorrow, OK? 875 01:04:25,500 --> 01:04:26,749 OK. 876 01:04:26,833 --> 01:04:30,624 - Won't your wife mind? - She's at her mum's. Her mum's in Aviemore. 877 01:04:33,041 --> 01:04:36,582 - Old bird's on her last legs with heart disease. - I'm sorry to hear that. 878 01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:41,540 No, don't fucking worry about it. Stupid slag brought it on herself. 879 01:04:42,083 --> 01:04:46,832 See, the amount of chocolate, booze and fags she consumes, it is fucking criminal. 880 01:04:46,916 --> 01:04:49,790 - What about your daughter? - Christ, that's enough of the family pish! 881 01:05:03,625 --> 01:05:05,040 Now... 882 01:05:05,916 --> 01:05:09,374 I've got a cheeky wee single malt here for you. 883 01:05:10,916 --> 01:05:13,749 Only for the developed palate, 49 years aged. 884 01:05:13,833 --> 01:05:17,124 Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas and all that shite. 885 01:05:24,416 --> 01:05:26,332 Well, I suppose one between friends couldn't hurt. 886 01:05:26,500 --> 01:05:27,624 Aye. 887 01:05:27,708 --> 01:05:29,707 - Happy Christmas. - Is it? 888 01:05:30,916 --> 01:05:32,749 How are you getting on with that whisky then, Bladesey? 889 01:05:32,833 --> 01:05:34,749 Feel a bit tipsy, Bruce. 890 01:05:39,791 --> 01:05:43,707 Hello and welcome to the Fantastic... 891 01:05:43,833 --> 01:05:46,415 Manchester! Manchester! 892 01:05:48,416 --> 01:05:49,957 - You do it, man. - No. 893 01:05:50,041 --> 01:05:51,249 - Come on, give it a try. - No, really, Bruce. 894 01:05:51,333 --> 01:05:52,707 - Come on, it's Christmas. - It's not in my nature. 895 01:05:52,791 --> 01:05:54,624 Come on, don't be such a fucking spoilsport. 896 01:05:54,750 --> 01:05:59,249 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Frank Sidebottom. 897 01:05:59,333 --> 01:06:00,499 I'm Frank Sidebottom. 898 01:06:01,708 --> 01:06:03,790 My name is Frank Sidebottom. 899 01:06:24,041 --> 01:06:26,374 This is a lovely surprise. 900 01:06:26,500 --> 01:06:30,415 I was just checking up on my best mate's missus while he was away, 901 01:06:30,500 --> 01:06:32,499 seeing she was safe and secure and all that, you know? 902 01:06:32,583 --> 01:06:36,165 I don't know why you bother with him. He's weak. 903 01:06:36,583 --> 01:06:37,790 Not like you. 904 01:06:37,875 --> 01:06:39,499 No, no, no, he's... He's one of the best, I say. 905 01:06:39,583 --> 01:06:41,999 That's what I say. He's one of the best. 906 01:06:42,250 --> 01:06:44,790 Oh, I wish I had a friend who was as loyal as you. 907 01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:49,457 You must see some terrible things in your line of work. 908 01:06:49,625 --> 01:06:53,665 Aye, I do. I really do, you know? 909 01:06:53,875 --> 01:06:55,290 But you just... You just deal with it. 910 01:06:55,541 --> 01:06:58,124 Like you do, Bunty, with this prank phone-caller. 911 01:06:59,208 --> 01:07:01,374 You don't seem to let it get to you, do you? 912 01:07:01,583 --> 01:07:07,707 Well, that's what I try to make him think. But, you know, it hurts terribly. 913 01:07:07,791 --> 01:07:09,415 Uh-huh. 914 01:07:09,500 --> 01:07:12,540 I just wish Clifford could be as strong as you. 915 01:07:16,416 --> 01:07:17,790 Fuck. 916 01:07:21,875 --> 01:07:24,207 Fuck! Wait a minute. 917 01:07:24,291 --> 01:07:27,915 This is wrong. Cliff's all right. This is... This is really wrong. 918 01:07:28,166 --> 01:07:30,374 No, no, no! 919 01:07:30,458 --> 01:07:33,832 No, it's... It's... It's OK. This is so right. 920 01:07:48,166 --> 01:07:49,165 No, no! 921 01:07:49,291 --> 01:07:50,457 - What's wrong? - It's just the... 922 01:07:50,541 --> 01:07:51,874 - Just what? - It's just... 923 01:07:52,000 --> 01:07:53,749 I think Cliff might be your phantom phone-caller. 924 01:07:55,958 --> 01:07:58,374 Oh, don't be ridiculous. Come on. 925 01:08:00,916 --> 01:08:03,999 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Frank Sidebottom. 926 01:08:04,291 --> 01:08:06,624 It's Frank Sidebottom. 927 01:08:06,708 --> 01:08:10,207 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Frank Sidebottom. 928 01:08:10,291 --> 01:08:11,874 It's Frank Sidebottom. 929 01:08:11,958 --> 01:08:13,957 Oh, my God! 930 01:08:14,208 --> 01:08:16,165 Ah, Bruce eh? 931 01:08:16,291 --> 01:08:17,332 Fuck. 932 01:08:17,416 --> 01:08:21,790 Or would you like me to call you by your little brother's name, Davie, yes? 933 01:08:21,958 --> 01:08:24,582 - What? - Baby brothers, Bruce. 934 01:08:24,666 --> 01:08:26,624 Such a nuisance. 935 01:08:26,708 --> 01:08:29,499 But you were supposed to look out for little brother Davie, yes? 936 01:08:29,666 --> 01:08:31,082 No, no, I wasn't. 937 01:08:31,208 --> 01:08:33,957 It was your idea to steal the coal, though, yes? 938 01:08:34,083 --> 01:08:35,915 No, that was Davie's idea. 939 01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:38,582 The added incentive of trying to please your father. 940 01:08:38,666 --> 01:08:40,832 "Let's climb the coal mountain," you said. 941 01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:43,374 That's it. Just little boys playing games, Doctor. 942 01:08:43,458 --> 01:08:47,790 The games, Bruce. The games. The same rules apply, though. 943 01:08:47,875 --> 01:08:51,624 "I'm the king of the castle! Get down you, dirty rascal!" 944 01:08:51,708 --> 01:08:53,082 Then you pushed him off. 945 01:08:53,208 --> 01:08:54,415 No, I never. No, I fucking never! 946 01:08:54,500 --> 01:08:56,582 - Not an angry push... - No, I didn't. 947 01:08:56,708 --> 01:09:01,207 ...just a brotherly shove. Brotherly love, a brotherly shove. 948 01:09:02,416 --> 01:09:07,499 Because wee Davie was better at everything than his big brother, "the other laddie". 949 01:09:07,583 --> 01:09:09,415 That's what they used to say in the village. 950 01:09:09,500 --> 01:09:12,082 "Davie Robertson and the other laddie. " 951 01:09:12,208 --> 01:09:14,082 You're still just "the other laddie", aren't you? 952 01:09:14,208 --> 01:09:15,457 You fuck off! 953 01:09:15,583 --> 01:09:19,624 "Fuck off", you shout, as you push him down the slag pile. 954 01:09:19,708 --> 01:09:22,499 He's at the bottom, screaming for help 955 01:09:22,583 --> 01:09:27,082 as the black stuff rushes down, smothering your brother underneath. 956 01:09:27,208 --> 01:09:28,665 No, I tried to save him. 957 01:09:28,791 --> 01:09:33,499 Then the man you call father, crouching beside the body of his real son, 958 01:09:33,583 --> 01:09:39,582 "This thing killed him. This bastard spawn of the devil killed my laddie. 959 01:09:40,041 --> 01:09:42,499 "You are filth!" 960 01:09:42,583 --> 01:09:45,082 No! No! 961 01:09:45,208 --> 01:09:46,790 No, no... 962 01:09:46,958 --> 01:09:50,582 What are you doing in the women's toilets, Bruce? 963 01:09:51,166 --> 01:09:52,915 Fuck off, Drummond. 964 01:09:53,000 --> 01:09:55,582 - You can say it's none of my business. - It's none of your fucking business! 965 01:09:55,666 --> 01:09:56,915 What were you doing in the women's toilets, Bruce? 966 01:09:57,000 --> 01:09:57,999 Look, I'm sorry. 967 01:09:58,083 --> 01:10:01,332 I'm just feeling a bit wrong at the moment. OK? 968 01:10:01,416 --> 01:10:03,290 OK, well, if you want to talk about it, then I'm here. 969 01:10:03,375 --> 01:10:07,332 Spare me your airy-fairy, namby-pamby, care-in-the-community, 970 01:10:07,416 --> 01:10:09,415 human-resources, left-wing bullshit. 971 01:10:09,500 --> 01:10:12,290 Well, I'm just worried about you, Bruce. 972 01:10:12,416 --> 01:10:15,915 - What did you say? - I said, I'm worried about you, Bruce. 973 01:10:16,000 --> 01:10:17,999 Oh, right, I see. You're worried about me. 974 01:10:18,166 --> 01:10:20,707 What? Oh, don't flatter yourself. 975 01:10:20,875 --> 01:10:24,374 - I think you're a silly, silly, little, little man. - You fancy me. 976 01:10:24,458 --> 01:10:27,999 I have no interest in you, apart from us having to work together. 977 01:10:28,083 --> 01:10:30,915 - Just give in to your instincts, darling. - Oh, God, you're pathetic. 978 01:10:31,000 --> 01:10:32,999 - You're pathetic. You're an alcoholic. - Fuck off. 979 01:10:33,083 --> 01:10:35,665 You stink. Do you know what, Bruce? 980 01:10:35,750 --> 01:10:39,999 You're the kind of sad case that preys on weak, stupid women 981 01:10:40,083 --> 01:10:42,582 in order to boost your own shattered ego! 982 01:10:42,666 --> 01:10:44,499 What about Karen the other night at the Christmas party? 983 01:10:44,958 --> 01:10:46,707 She was wasted, Bruce. 984 01:10:46,791 --> 01:10:49,207 Well, she shouldnae have fucking drunk then, should she? 985 01:10:49,333 --> 01:10:50,915 She wanted a drink, so she had one. 986 01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,915 She wanted a ride, so she had one of them as well. 987 01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:55,290 So, don't treat me like a fucking rapist! 988 01:10:55,375 --> 01:10:58,124 Jesus Christ, what are you so interested in her for anyway? 989 01:10:58,208 --> 01:11:01,540 - Are you a lesbian? - I'm not a bloody lesbian, Bruce. 990 01:11:01,625 --> 01:11:04,707 I have a boyfriend and he's far younger than you 991 01:11:04,791 --> 01:11:06,707 and he's far more intelligent than you 992 01:11:06,791 --> 01:11:10,624 and he's far better endowed than you, Mr Photocopier Enlargement. 993 01:11:10,708 --> 01:11:12,124 What did you fucking say? 994 01:11:12,208 --> 01:11:15,874 Go on, fucking hit me, Bruce! Are you gonna hit me, Bruce? Yeah? 995 01:11:20,666 --> 01:11:21,707 No. 996 01:11:26,500 --> 01:11:28,582 Oh, my darling, I'm sorry. 997 01:11:28,708 --> 01:11:30,957 You sicken me. 998 01:11:31,208 --> 01:11:35,082 You repulse me. Can I make that any fucking plainer? 999 01:11:42,291 --> 01:11:44,749 I wasn't gonna hurt you, you know? 1000 01:11:46,583 --> 01:11:48,415 I didn't mean it. 1001 01:12:01,416 --> 01:12:03,207 As your colleague... 1002 01:12:04,375 --> 01:12:08,582 ...and as a human being, I'm telling you, Bruce, you've got some stuff to sort out. 1003 01:12:09,708 --> 01:12:14,082 OK? Then you might become the sort of person 1004 01:12:14,166 --> 01:12:16,540 that you seem to imagine yourself to be, 1005 01:12:16,708 --> 01:12:18,665 although Christ only knows what that is. 1006 01:12:19,583 --> 01:12:22,207 I used to be good at this job, Amanda. 1007 01:12:25,916 --> 01:12:27,499 I used to be a good person. 1008 01:12:28,416 --> 01:12:30,332 Yeah. I heard that. 1009 01:12:33,791 --> 01:12:36,707 - Have you got a wife, Bruce? - Yeah. 1010 01:12:39,291 --> 01:12:40,874 Have you got any kids? 1011 01:12:41,000 --> 01:12:42,582 Stacey. 1012 01:12:47,166 --> 01:12:49,165 I think they've left me. 1013 01:12:52,583 --> 01:12:54,915 I think my family have left me. 1014 01:13:00,583 --> 01:13:02,249 I don't know how. 1015 01:13:04,791 --> 01:13:06,874 I can't remember why. 1016 01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:09,665 OK. 1017 01:13:12,000 --> 01:13:14,832 You see, there's something wrong with me. 1018 01:13:16,958 --> 01:13:20,082 There's something seriously wrong with me. 1019 01:13:21,708 --> 01:13:26,082 Have you spoken to anyone? Have you been to see a doctor? 1020 01:13:26,208 --> 01:13:27,999 - Yeah. - Yeah? 1021 01:13:28,791 --> 01:13:29,790 No. 1022 01:13:31,500 --> 01:13:34,124 I don't know. I don't know. 1023 01:13:37,583 --> 01:13:39,749 No, I'm in charge. 1024 01:13:41,166 --> 01:13:42,957 I'm in charge of me. 1025 01:13:43,583 --> 01:13:45,249 I'm in charge of me. 1026 01:13:45,375 --> 01:13:48,290 I'm in charge of this investigation and don't you ever fucking forget that. 1027 01:13:48,458 --> 01:13:51,707 OK, Bruce. You need to listen to me. Can you hear me? 1028 01:13:52,791 --> 01:13:56,582 I'm really worried about you. I don't think you're fit for work at the moment. 1029 01:13:56,708 --> 01:14:00,499 Just you go up there and suck someone's cock 1030 01:14:00,666 --> 01:14:06,165 and stop playing the amateur fucking psychologist, you evil witch! 1031 01:14:12,625 --> 01:14:13,707 Hey, Robbo. 1032 01:14:13,791 --> 01:14:15,957 Are you holding a guy by the name of Clifford Blades? 1033 01:14:16,083 --> 01:14:18,499 Do you ever get the impression he was a pervert? 1034 01:14:18,833 --> 01:14:21,749 Just give me the fucking keys! 1035 01:14:24,958 --> 01:14:28,207 - You piss-taking little fart! - What's wrong, Bruce? 1036 01:14:28,875 --> 01:14:31,499 You strung me along from the fucking start! Didn't you? 1037 01:14:31,583 --> 01:14:33,707 It wasn't me. You have to believe it wasn't me. 1038 01:14:33,791 --> 01:14:36,249 Don't make me punch your face through your shoulders 1039 01:14:36,333 --> 01:14:39,124 and out through your fucking arse, you speccy wee fanny! 1040 01:14:39,208 --> 01:14:41,707 Why? Why did you drag me into this, Cliff? 1041 01:14:41,791 --> 01:14:45,290 Why did you drag me into this with you? You're supposed to be my mate. 1042 01:14:45,375 --> 01:14:47,374 I didn't. We are mates, Bruce. 1043 01:14:47,458 --> 01:14:50,082 You're my best friend, Bruce. You're my best friend. 1044 01:14:56,708 --> 01:14:58,790 Why do you bully me, Bruce? 1045 01:15:00,208 --> 01:15:02,707 - What? - Why do you do it? 1046 01:15:04,083 --> 01:15:05,582 Because... 1047 01:15:07,916 --> 01:15:10,999 Because I can't fucking help myself. 1048 01:15:12,375 --> 01:15:15,999 Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! 1049 01:15:16,083 --> 01:15:17,832 Bruce! Bruce! 1050 01:15:17,916 --> 01:15:22,165 Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! 1051 01:15:29,416 --> 01:15:30,415 Fuck! 1052 01:15:31,166 --> 01:15:34,332 I tried to call you at work. Where have you been? 1053 01:15:35,375 --> 01:15:37,957 - Bruce, Dougie's in hospital. - And? 1054 01:15:38,083 --> 01:15:40,124 He tried to kill himself. 1055 01:15:40,250 --> 01:15:41,790 Slashed his wrists. 1056 01:15:44,500 --> 01:15:45,915 He found out about us, Bruce. 1057 01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:48,290 Couldn't take the humiliation of that and getting suspended. 1058 01:15:48,458 --> 01:15:50,082 How's that my fault? That's all your fault! 1059 01:15:50,166 --> 01:15:54,165 My God, this place fucking stinks. 1060 01:15:54,291 --> 01:15:55,790 I just need you to fucking leave! 1061 01:15:55,916 --> 01:15:57,082 - Come on. - No, no, no. 1062 01:15:57,208 --> 01:15:59,290 - I wanna turn off the gas for you. - Chrissie, don't. Chrissie. 1063 01:15:59,416 --> 01:16:02,582 - I wanna turn off the gas for you. - Chrissie, I need you to leave! 1064 01:16:06,791 --> 01:16:09,999 Come on! I wanna turn off the fucking gas for you! 1065 01:16:10,083 --> 01:16:11,790 Fucking... 1066 01:16:12,708 --> 01:16:17,415 Come on, get fucking hard, you silly wee poof! Come on, get it in! 1067 01:16:17,666 --> 01:16:19,790 Fuck me with that mouse's cock. 1068 01:16:30,708 --> 01:16:34,290 What's wrong? You're crying like a wee laddie. 1069 01:16:36,375 --> 01:16:39,457 You're no fun any more, Bruce. You know that? 1070 01:16:40,666 --> 01:16:42,290 I'm not well. 1071 01:16:42,375 --> 01:16:44,499 What's wrong with you, man? 1072 01:16:46,916 --> 01:16:48,915 I hear voices, Chrissie. 1073 01:16:51,000 --> 01:16:54,499 I see things, all the time. 1074 01:16:56,791 --> 01:16:58,915 Do you ever hear them? 1075 01:16:59,000 --> 01:17:01,415 What are you on about? 1076 01:17:01,500 --> 01:17:04,790 Whatever it is you're taking, you wanna lay off it. 1077 01:17:05,791 --> 01:17:09,290 Life's cruel, Bruce. Life's cruel. 1078 01:17:20,208 --> 01:17:26,207 People ask me, "Carole, how do you and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?" 1079 01:17:26,291 --> 01:17:29,915 Well, I tell them it's really simple. 1080 01:17:30,000 --> 01:17:32,999 - I'm just the ultimate tease. "I'm just the ultimate tease. 1081 01:17:33,708 --> 01:17:36,790 "Me and Bruce, we're not that different. 1082 01:17:36,875 --> 01:17:38,499 "We know what we want. 1083 01:17:38,583 --> 01:17:40,415 "We know how to get it. 1084 01:17:40,500 --> 01:17:44,249 "Like this promotion he's going for. We both know he'll win. 1085 01:17:44,583 --> 01:17:46,332 "And when he does, 1086 01:17:46,416 --> 01:17:51,332 "the Robertson household is going to be one big happy family again. 1087 01:17:52,500 --> 01:17:54,290 "I kid you not. " 1088 01:18:10,000 --> 01:18:11,832 You coming for a wee ride, sweetheart? 1089 01:18:24,458 --> 01:18:29,540 I knew I'd seen you before. The fucking freak from the tunnel. 1090 01:18:50,291 --> 01:18:52,332 You are a sick fairy. 1091 01:18:52,416 --> 01:18:55,415 My husband is Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson. 1092 01:19:36,291 --> 01:19:38,790 We have to go all the way with this pig. 1093 01:19:38,916 --> 01:19:40,707 You know what that means, Ocky? 1094 01:19:40,875 --> 01:19:44,374 Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on, right. Wait a minute. 1095 01:19:45,125 --> 01:19:46,999 You can't waste a cop, man. 1096 01:19:49,791 --> 01:19:52,374 You never said you were gonnae... 1097 01:19:53,375 --> 01:19:55,874 - Fuck. - He saw us do the gook, for fuck's sake! 1098 01:19:58,708 --> 01:20:00,915 But dead cunts tell no tales. 1099 01:20:03,208 --> 01:20:07,082 We can torch the place with the pig in it. Or what's left of him. 1100 01:20:07,208 --> 01:20:09,624 Smokey bacon, man. 1101 01:20:12,916 --> 01:20:14,915 Get your fucking hands off her stuff! 1102 01:20:16,416 --> 01:20:17,582 You fucking die. 1103 01:20:19,625 --> 01:20:23,165 I want to hear you squeal, like the fucking pig you are. 1104 01:20:26,125 --> 01:20:27,124 Get fucking out. 1105 01:20:27,291 --> 01:20:30,207 Don't you leave! Don't you fucking leave! 1106 01:20:30,708 --> 01:20:32,457 Don't you leave this fucking room! 1107 01:20:33,416 --> 01:20:35,332 Don't you fucking close that door! Fuck! 1108 01:20:36,000 --> 01:20:38,124 Why didn't you arrest us when you had the chance? 1109 01:20:39,375 --> 01:20:42,415 Scared they'd find out you're a fucking queer? 1110 01:20:42,625 --> 01:20:44,624 - Just you and me, Detective. - No! 1111 01:20:44,791 --> 01:20:45,957 No! 1112 01:21:13,333 --> 01:21:17,332 You see, I've always hated you fucking pigs. 1113 01:21:19,625 --> 01:21:23,999 But not in the normal way your average low-life scum like me hates them. 1114 01:21:25,708 --> 01:21:28,582 You see, I've always hated them in a special way. 1115 01:21:31,416 --> 01:21:34,915 But you... You're different, sweetheart. 1116 01:21:36,708 --> 01:21:39,707 I'll make an honest woman of you yet. 1117 01:21:50,916 --> 01:21:52,415 You thought you could take me, eh? 1118 01:21:53,583 --> 01:21:55,415 You sick, 1119 01:21:55,500 --> 01:21:57,915 sexy, wee pansy. 1120 01:23:03,916 --> 01:23:07,332 You really fucked up this time, didn't you, Bruce? 1121 01:23:15,708 --> 01:23:17,624 Ambulance is on the way, Bruce. 1122 01:23:18,833 --> 01:23:20,332 Don't go. 1123 01:23:21,708 --> 01:23:23,582 Don't go, brother. 1124 01:23:30,583 --> 01:23:34,207 I just wanted to keep her close to me, you know? 1125 01:23:58,750 --> 01:24:01,374 Might not seem appropriate, but... 1126 01:24:02,833 --> 01:24:05,165 Happy New Year, Robbo. 1127 01:24:05,333 --> 01:24:06,832 Aye, happy New Year. 1128 01:24:09,875 --> 01:24:11,665 Listen, Bruce, um... 1129 01:24:12,916 --> 01:24:16,874 We obviously had to withdraw your application for the promotion. 1130 01:24:19,041 --> 01:24:21,457 Now is not the right time for you to meet the board. 1131 01:24:23,166 --> 01:24:24,749 You see that, right? 1132 01:24:25,750 --> 01:24:27,374 Aye. 1133 01:24:27,458 --> 01:24:29,915 And you're back in uniform, Bruce. 1134 01:24:30,041 --> 01:24:31,707 It is a demotion. 1135 01:24:34,250 --> 01:24:37,582 Of course, Bruce, I don't need to tell you that obviously I was chuffed 1136 01:24:37,666 --> 01:24:39,040 about the promotion. 1137 01:24:39,791 --> 01:24:42,332 But it has been a bittersweet experience for me. 1138 01:24:43,166 --> 01:24:47,249 If you hadn't had the... the issues you've been having, 1139 01:24:48,541 --> 01:24:50,040 I'm sure you would have walked it. 1140 01:24:50,166 --> 01:24:52,165 - Aye. - Aye. 1141 01:24:52,708 --> 01:24:56,415 I suppose everybody feels like this when they actually get a promotion. 1142 01:24:57,416 --> 01:25:00,874 You know, how best to work with old mates and all that. 1143 01:25:01,625 --> 01:25:04,207 Your methods and mine are very different. 1144 01:25:04,750 --> 01:25:06,665 And I know we've pulled some stuff in the past, 1145 01:25:06,750 --> 01:25:10,415 but all the coke and the hookers and stuff... 1146 01:25:11,750 --> 01:25:14,415 - That's finito now. - Aye. 1147 01:25:15,166 --> 01:25:17,415 You understand, little piggy? 1148 01:25:20,166 --> 01:25:21,665 No hard feelings, eh? 1149 01:25:21,833 --> 01:25:24,832 No hard feelings, pal. Same rules apply. 1150 01:25:28,041 --> 01:25:29,749 Oh, by the way... 1151 01:25:32,458 --> 01:25:34,874 I saw your wee speccy mate Bladesey down the Lodge. 1152 01:25:34,958 --> 01:25:37,374 The old phantom phone-caller, eh? 1153 01:25:38,166 --> 01:25:41,249 We told the sick bastard he's not welcome at the Craft if he keeps that shite up. 1154 01:25:43,166 --> 01:25:44,749 See you later, then... 1155 01:25:45,541 --> 01:25:46,582 Frank. 1156 01:26:27,333 --> 01:26:28,832 No, don't... 1157 01:26:32,541 --> 01:26:35,957 OK, let's go... Let's get out of here. 1158 01:26:36,250 --> 01:26:37,540 Stacey! 1159 01:26:39,958 --> 01:26:41,165 St... 1160 01:26:44,250 --> 01:26:45,790 Hey. 1161 01:26:46,208 --> 01:26:47,707 Oh, shit. 1162 01:26:50,625 --> 01:26:52,582 I'm really sorry for startling you... 1163 01:26:54,958 --> 01:26:56,665 No, it's... 1164 01:26:56,833 --> 01:26:58,749 It's OK. It's... 1165 01:26:58,875 --> 01:27:00,457 It's OK. 1166 01:27:00,958 --> 01:27:03,415 - Are you all right? - Uh-huh. 1167 01:27:03,541 --> 01:27:06,624 - You look a bit... - Hmm? 1168 01:27:07,750 --> 01:27:09,749 Ah, I'm just, um... 1169 01:27:13,958 --> 01:27:15,249 I'm just undercover. 1170 01:27:15,416 --> 01:27:17,540 I'm on, um, stakeout and... 1171 01:27:18,541 --> 01:27:20,915 You see, there's some really shifty-looking characters in here tonight 1172 01:27:21,041 --> 01:27:22,957 and I'm just trying to blend in. 1173 01:27:24,041 --> 01:27:28,332 - Come on, Mummy, I'm hungry. - I better get him home for his dinner. 1174 01:27:28,458 --> 01:27:30,165 Aye, right, of course. 1175 01:27:31,458 --> 01:27:33,415 - I'll see you around, then. - Don't leave. 1176 01:28:01,458 --> 01:28:06,040 Hi, Detective Robertson, it's Mary here. 1177 01:28:06,166 --> 01:28:09,624 Sorry, I know it's probably none of my business, but... 1178 01:28:13,333 --> 01:28:16,415 Look, um, I was just thinking that maybe 1179 01:28:16,541 --> 01:28:18,957 me and Euan could pop round on our way to the park. 1180 01:29:13,625 --> 01:29:15,165 Right. Bladesey. 1181 01:29:16,375 --> 01:29:19,457 Uh, first things first. 1182 01:29:24,625 --> 01:29:27,124 You've really got to get rid of the double glazing, pal. 1183 01:29:27,250 --> 01:29:31,457 Get yourself contact lenses or something, laser eye treatment 1184 01:29:31,541 --> 01:29:34,915 cos nobody's ever gonna take you seriously staring through those thick milk bottles. 1185 01:29:38,041 --> 01:29:41,915 Second thing is, you've really got to try and toughen up. 1186 01:29:42,041 --> 01:29:44,124 Right, you're a nice guy. 1187 01:29:44,916 --> 01:29:47,165 But you're very soft. 1188 01:29:48,750 --> 01:29:52,749 Truth is, people are just as scared of the world as you are. 1189 01:29:52,875 --> 01:29:55,040 I'm scared of the world. 1190 01:29:56,250 --> 01:29:59,249 I just don't let people see it, that's all. 1191 01:30:00,666 --> 01:30:03,040 And that's what the games are. 1192 01:30:03,166 --> 01:30:05,790 I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend. 1193 01:30:07,750 --> 01:30:09,749 You're my best friend. 1194 01:30:11,625 --> 01:30:13,540 My only friend. 1195 01:30:18,166 --> 01:30:20,124 Most important thing is this, though. 1196 01:30:20,250 --> 01:30:23,249 You've got to make Bunty want you again. 1197 01:30:23,375 --> 01:30:25,874 You'll probably find that she does actually like you 1198 01:30:25,958 --> 01:30:29,499 if you just asserted yourself a wee bit more. 1199 01:30:30,166 --> 01:30:33,665 You know, you show her passion and she will run to you. 1200 01:30:33,750 --> 01:30:36,624 She will love you until the day you die. 1201 01:30:38,916 --> 01:30:43,332 I may not be the one to be giving marriage counselling, 1202 01:30:43,458 --> 01:30:47,415 but sometimes it takes a wrongdoer to show you when you're doing wrong. 1203 01:30:48,750 --> 01:30:50,457 I'm sorry, Bladesey. 1204 01:30:52,625 --> 01:30:54,165 Really sorry, pal. 1205 01:31:01,958 --> 01:31:03,457 Bunty! 1206 01:31:49,333 --> 01:31:51,165 Same rules apply.