1 00:00:06,990 --> 00:00:08,350 By the time... 2 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,640 Dear John is filmed before a studio audience. 3 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,320 Okay. 4 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,860 So, I am like sweating bullets. 5 00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:04,819 I mean, it's pitch black. 6 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:09,200 I'm crawling along on my belly, inches from the front. 7 00:01:10,180 --> 00:01:13,120 But here is the part you've all been waiting for. 8 00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,580 So it is, nine o 'clock. Good night, everybody. 9 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:18,720 Okay, bye. 10 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:22,520 But that is the last time I try and teach you guys how to sneak into a 11 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:26,679 about tonight. 12 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,180 Oh, yeah, and then, what do you say we head over to Clancy's? 13 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:32,740 Oh, listen, everybody, I'm going to have to skip Clancy's tonight. I've got to 14 00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:36,540 wake up early and take my kids to a soccer game in Jersey tomorrow morning. 15 00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:37,399 game, huh? 16 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,620 Yeah, well, it is for me, Ralph. 17 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,360 He promised to score a goal for me because it's my birthday. 18 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:47,720 What are you... Why didn't you mention something about it being your birthday 19 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,620 earlier? We could have had a little celebration. 20 00:01:52,610 --> 00:01:55,650 Last year when I turned 45, I decided that was my last birthday. 21 00:01:55,870 --> 00:01:57,910 As far as I'm concerned, this is just another day. 22 00:01:58,190 --> 00:02:00,790 John, you can't ignore your birthday. 23 00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:04,470 Yeah, if you live to be 100, how are you going to prove it to Willard's son? 24 00:02:05,790 --> 00:02:09,830 Well, thank you for your concern, everybody, but don't worry about me. I'm 25 00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,850 to have a great day with Matt, get home just in time to watch the 6 o 'clock 26 00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:16,690 news, make myself some dinner, turn on a little Sinatra, and soak in a nice hot 27 00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:19,370 tub. Well, it reminded me of my 40th birthday. 28 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,440 I hopped into a hot tub. 29 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,320 Turned on Tommy Dorsey. 30 00:02:28,260 --> 00:02:31,980 I tried to turn on Jimmy, too, but he was such a prude. 31 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:39,740 John, look, I really hate the thought of you spending tomorrow night all alone. 32 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,460 Yeah, are you sure we can't take you out to dinner or something? 33 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:45,500 Or at least come over to my place for a drink. 34 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,000 I just said that... 35 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:51,860 Oh, now I get it. 36 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:56,040 Sure, I come over to your place for a drink, and all you pop out from behind 37 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,340 furniture yelling, Surprise! 38 00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:05,460 Really? John, believe me, a surprise party was the last thing on our minds. 39 00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:07,640 Oh, really? 40 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,180 Good, well, that's just the way I want it. 41 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:12,600 See you all next week. 42 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:21,800 John over to your place. 43 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,019 Oh, great. 44 00:03:23,020 --> 00:03:25,740 Now can I spend the last two weeks making confetti? 45 00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:30,820 Well, why don't we just have the party at John's? 46 00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:32,520 What are you talking about? 47 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,860 You heard him. He's not going to be back from the soccer game till six o 'clock. 48 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,120 We get over there by five. We put out the food. We throw up a couple of 49 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,520 balloons. We're there when he gets home. 50 00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:44,200 Yeah, and how do you propose we get in? 51 00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:46,720 We'll use my key. 52 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,700 John gave you the key to his apartment? Not exactly. 53 00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:56,640 He loaned me one, one time, so I could watch the Knicks game, and I made myself 54 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:57,640 a spare. 55 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,060 Why? Why? 56 00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,440 I didn't want to keep bothering him in case the Knicks made it to the playoffs. 57 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:11,400 Well, I hate to admit it, but I think Kirk's got a good idea. Oh, this is 58 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,160 to be a smashing party. 59 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:16,040 John's going to be totally surprised. 60 00:04:17,230 --> 00:04:21,089 Yeah, especially after he sees how he had his antique watch fixed up. Oh, 61 00:04:21,230 --> 00:04:25,190 speaking of which, now that John's gone, let's have a look at it. Can I look? 62 00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:28,550 Oh, um, well, about the watch. 63 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:32,990 Oh. You didn't remember to pick it up at the jeweler, did you? Hey, I've got a 64 00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:36,990 life, you know. I had a couple things to do, but by the time I got to the jewel 65 00:04:36,990 --> 00:04:37,990 list, they were closed. 66 00:04:38,230 --> 00:04:41,170 Oh, splendid, coach. Just splendid. 67 00:04:41,410 --> 00:04:45,410 God, it is fascinating the way you can screw up even the simplest task. 68 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:49,320 Not nearly as fascinating as the way your skirt rides up when you're shitting 69 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:50,320 around in your chair. 70 00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:55,160 Just nuts. Made you look. Made you look. 71 00:04:58,420 --> 00:05:00,860 Oh, good. You're still here. Hi, everybody. 72 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:05,140 Listen, I was wondering if you people had some paper plates I could borrow 73 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:06,140 my overeaters group. 74 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:09,520 You'll find what you need in the store and help yourself, dear. 75 00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:12,980 Now, listen up, you chowderhead. 76 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:17,420 First thing tomorrow morning, you'll be down at that... We can't turn up at 77 00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:19,740 John's tomorrow night and not give him his watch. 78 00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:21,700 Yeah. Why are you giving John a watch? 79 00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:25,120 Oh, shoot. 80 00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:26,800 There I go again. 81 00:05:27,380 --> 00:05:30,140 Knows an entire other people's business. I'm sorry. 82 00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:33,000 Now that I've apologized, why are you giving John a watch? 83 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,940 Well, tomorrow's John's birthday, so we snuck this antique watch out of his 84 00:05:37,940 --> 00:05:42,480 apartment and we're having it repaired as a surprise gift. You should see this 85 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,480 watch, Denise. 86 00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:45,580 We should all see it. this watch. 87 00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:49,200 It's been in John's family for ages. 88 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,500 It belonged to his great -grandfather, and it's been handed down to the men in 89 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:55,440 the family from generation to generation. 90 00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,600 So there's my cousin Wilma. 91 00:06:02,980 --> 00:06:04,480 Oh, God love her. 92 00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:06,840 Everybody else did. 93 00:06:15,630 --> 00:06:18,890 Exactly a bash, dear. You know, just a little surprise party. 94 00:06:20,010 --> 00:06:22,130 You know, a group thing. 95 00:06:23,530 --> 00:06:25,310 Oh, I see. 96 00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:26,750 A group thing. 97 00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:32,890 As in, uh, Denise's not invited thing. Well, Denise. That's just fine. I mean, 98 00:06:32,910 --> 00:06:36,630 you just go off and have your little group thing. Denise. I actually got 99 00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:40,650 things to do with my time. Denise, shut up and be at John's place tomorrow at 100 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:41,589 five. 101 00:06:41,590 --> 00:06:42,590 How thoughtful. 102 00:06:42,850 --> 00:06:44,850 I'll bring the dip. Oh, don't bother. 103 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:46,980 Kirk already has a ride. 104 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,500 Here we are. 105 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:01,440 Anyway, I just moved out here from Red Willow, Nebraska. 106 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,000 Nebraska? 107 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,480 What a coincidence. 108 00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:08,560 I just got back from Omaha. 109 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:14,060 Really? Yeah. Have you got family back there? Well, sort of. The Strategic Air 110 00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:15,060 Command. 111 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:23,180 CIA. No, no, I just had those business cards printed up so I could lure 112 00:07:23,180 --> 00:07:24,780 young girls up to my apartment. 113 00:07:28,940 --> 00:07:35,240 Okay, speaking of which, welcome to my humble abode. 114 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:41,020 Oh, it's not much. It's just a kitchen, a bedroom. 115 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:42,640 John! 116 00:07:47,340 --> 00:07:49,320 You really think you might be able to help me find a job? 117 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:54,280 Positive. But first, I have to give you a little aptitude test just to see what 118 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,100 areas you excel in. 119 00:07:57,620 --> 00:08:02,780 And I kind of got a hurry because I need to have you out here by five. By five? 120 00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:09,860 Hey, if I can't place you in a really exciting position by then, I'll consider 121 00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:10,880 myself a failure. 122 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:14,980 Can I ask you a question? Sure. 123 00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:16,460 Why is... 124 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,250 to John Lacey. 125 00:08:18,510 --> 00:08:20,330 Oh, oh, well, that's just the cover. 126 00:08:20,590 --> 00:08:24,530 You know, sometimes I'm John Lacey, sometimes I'm Kirk Morris, sometimes I'm 127 00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:25,810 just plain Agent 42. 128 00:08:27,390 --> 00:08:30,510 It makes buying stationery a living hell. 129 00:08:32,070 --> 00:08:37,789 I was so lucky to run into you outside that jewelry store. I know, I know. It 130 00:08:37,789 --> 00:08:41,750 was so lucky that I was having my antique watch repaired. 131 00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:44,790 Oh, isn't it beautiful? Yeah. 132 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:48,310 Isn't it? 133 00:08:51,070 --> 00:08:52,070 Bedroom. 134 00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:56,130 It's been in my family for years. 135 00:08:56,790 --> 00:08:57,790 Naked? 136 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:04,030 Oh, it must be worth a fortune. Oh, it's priceless. 137 00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:05,630 Bedroom. 138 00:09:07,050 --> 00:09:08,050 It's a gift. 139 00:09:08,310 --> 00:09:09,510 Oh, curtsy. 140 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:10,750 Oh, no, no, no, no. 141 00:09:11,410 --> 00:09:13,610 Betsy, sweetheart, it's not for you. 142 00:09:13,910 --> 00:09:15,730 That's what you think, creep. 143 00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:17,150 What? 144 00:09:24,490 --> 00:09:25,710 Oh, hello, Mrs. Spencer. 145 00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:27,490 Oh, hello, John. How are you? 146 00:09:27,810 --> 00:09:29,090 Believe me, you don't want to know. 147 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:37,320 I get up at 5 o 'clock this morning and rent a car to drive my son 65 miles to a 148 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:41,200 soccer game in Jersey. On the way over, we have a flat. So now we show up late, 149 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,580 but it doesn't matter because it starts raining so hard they call the game off. 150 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:48,740 So now my son and I run back to the car, which is locked with the keys inside. 151 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,840 The only way my son can stay dry is to hold this little box over his head. 152 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,700 on, I find out that's the chocolates he bought me for my birthday. 153 00:09:56,540 --> 00:10:00,200 Look at this. It's only 2 .15, and already it's the worst day of my life. 154 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:01,760 You're right. 155 00:10:01,870 --> 00:10:02,870 I didn't want to know. 156 00:10:16,830 --> 00:10:18,030 Oh, no! 157 00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:20,010 No! 158 00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:22,670 Why me? 159 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,900 This sketch looked like your attacker, Mr. Morris. 160 00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,100 No, no. 161 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:54,340 Besides, I told you. The guy who attacked me was huge. 162 00:10:55,100 --> 00:11:02,040 Look, it's 6 '4", 6 '5". 6 '11". And he had more of a killer look. 163 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,400 Oh, my God, Kirk. He could have really hurt you. 164 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:06,900 I know. I'm very lucky. 165 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,880 No, no, no. The forehead's wrong. 166 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:16,320 This is it right here. Right here. This is the big guy's forehead. 167 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,560 Officer, please. My poor friend's been through hell today. 168 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,600 Are you sure you're really up to all these questions? 169 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,020 No, but I want to help. 170 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,500 You need anything, Kurt? 171 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:31,340 No. Well, could you maybe just fluff up my pillows again, John? 172 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,520 Say, Mr. 173 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,200 Morris, how'd you get into Mr. Lacey's apartment? 174 00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:38,460 You got a key? 175 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:44,660 Of course not. He just told you. He came over here to drop off the $100 that I 176 00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:48,500 had loaned him. Then this ghoul opened the door and attacked him. Excuse me, 177 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,160 John. The ghoul got your $100, too. 178 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,580 Now, don't you worry about that. 179 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,360 I'm just glad that you're still alive. 180 00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:58,360 I better check my bedroom to see if anything's missing. 181 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,560 Does this look any closer? 182 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:06,040 No. No, the eyes were bigger. And they looked like they'd spent a lot of time 183 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,040 prison. 184 00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:09,470 Here, these are the eyes. Right here. 185 00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,350 I'm telling you, I was fighting for my life with this guy. 186 00:12:14,390 --> 00:12:17,370 The chin was broader. 187 00:12:17,890 --> 00:12:20,090 More like the grill on a 68 Buick. 188 00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:23,130 Here. This is it. Right here. 189 00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:28,410 I mean, if the guy had fought fair, I would have cleaned his clock, right? 190 00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:30,630 But... That's him. 191 00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,050 This is him. 192 00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:33,390 Exactly. 193 00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:35,350 Congratulations. 194 00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:39,670 You're the first guy on the block to be mugged by Arnold Schwarzenegger. 195 00:12:42,870 --> 00:12:44,810 Oh, well, that's kind of hard to tell. 196 00:12:45,050 --> 00:12:46,370 He was wearing a mask. 197 00:12:48,610 --> 00:12:50,350 Oh, damn, look at this. 198 00:12:50,630 --> 00:12:54,030 Got my college ring, the cufflinks that my kid gave me for Christmas. 199 00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:55,950 Oh, no. 200 00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:58,410 He got my antique watch. 201 00:12:58,750 --> 00:13:00,330 Oh, no, not the watch. 202 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,900 Hey, was the watch valuable? 203 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,620 Yes, it was to me. It's been in my family for generations. 204 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:10,100 I promised it to my son when he turned 21. Well, there goes that plan. 205 00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:14,500 Well, Mr. Lacey, I think we've got all the information we can get here tonight. 206 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:19,180 You know, it might be a good idea if you had some bars put on that window. 207 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,000 Bars? 208 00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:22,260 Bars? Is that what we've come to? 209 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,040 No, no, no. I'm not going to be a prisoner in my own home. 210 00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:29,220 I'm not the criminal here. I will not put bars on my windows. 211 00:13:30,530 --> 00:13:35,350 Okay, it's just that 70 % of the burglars return to the scene of the 212 00:13:35,730 --> 00:13:37,930 Well, then again, a few ferns in front of the bars. 213 00:13:39,670 --> 00:13:41,370 Yeah, that'd be quite attractive. 214 00:13:42,630 --> 00:13:43,770 I'll leave you my card. 215 00:13:44,310 --> 00:13:48,870 We'll be in touch. Thank you. Hey, guys, let's be careful out there. 216 00:13:53,390 --> 00:13:57,130 Kirk, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your risking your life. 217 00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,300 I just wish I could have done more. 218 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,820 Nah, forget it. Listen, can I get you anything? 219 00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,500 Yeah. Okay. 220 00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:06,720 Oh, maybe just a club soda. 221 00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:10,380 Okay. The kind with the little bubbles, not the big ones. 222 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,860 And, John, maybe some crushed ice. 223 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:16,220 Oh. 224 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,400 in a big glass. 225 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:42,740 I don't know what it is, but every time some big guy hits me over the head with 226 00:14:42,740 --> 00:14:44,200 a lamp, I get really thirsty. 227 00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:48,100 There you go, pal. Oh, thanks, John. 228 00:14:49,740 --> 00:14:56,340 So this guy that attacked you was really big, huh? Oh, humongous. Like a redwood 229 00:14:56,340 --> 00:14:57,340 on steroids. 230 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:58,599 Yes. 231 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:02,760 Good thing. Otherwise, people might tease him for having such a high voice 232 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,800 name like Betsy. 233 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:09,700 Betsy? Yeah, the woman who beat you up and got my watch. 234 00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:15,140 Oh, that Betsy. Yeah, she just called. She thought I was you. 235 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,080 You lied to me, Kirk. 236 00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:19,000 It was a woman who did all this. 237 00:15:19,220 --> 00:15:21,100 Okay, so I left out a few details. 238 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:22,460 A few details? 239 00:15:22,940 --> 00:15:26,660 A few details? Knowing you, you probably brought her up here to seduce her. How 240 00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:27,660 could I be so stupid? 241 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:32,840 Oh, puff up my pillows. Get me a little club soda. I'd like to crush more than 242 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:33,840 just your ice. 243 00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,140 Okay, I lied. 244 00:15:35,790 --> 00:15:36,930 But I did it for you. 245 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,130 I didn't want to spoil the surprise. 246 00:15:41,470 --> 00:15:42,470 What surprise? 247 00:15:44,390 --> 00:15:49,150 The group chipped in to have your antique watch fixed as a birthday 248 00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:53,410 you. And when I went by the jewelry store to pick it up, I saw Betsy waiting 249 00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:58,310 outside. So I thought I'd pick up a little something for myself. 250 00:16:00,530 --> 00:16:04,730 So now, thanks to you, I have to buy back my own watch from a thief. 251 00:16:05,329 --> 00:16:09,350 What? She obviously knew it had some sentimental value, so now she's willing 252 00:16:09,350 --> 00:16:10,930 give it up for $500. 253 00:16:11,510 --> 00:16:13,050 All right, John! 254 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:15,290 Are you a lucky guy or what? 255 00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:16,710 What? 256 00:16:17,130 --> 00:16:19,870 She says I better get the money quick. She's calling back in a half an hour. In 257 00:16:19,870 --> 00:16:22,190 a half... Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. 258 00:16:23,070 --> 00:16:24,510 Your bank is nearby, right? 259 00:16:24,810 --> 00:16:28,490 Yeah. Why? It's two blocks away, so? Good. You got us into this. I'm going to 260 00:16:28,490 --> 00:16:31,470 give you a chance to buy your way out. I want you to go to that bank, and I want 261 00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:32,490 you to get me the $500. 262 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,540 Okay. You got it, John. Least I can do. 263 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,480 Oh, there's just one thing. What? I need a check for $500. 264 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:54,900 Uh, 265 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,500 uh, who is it? The red dog barks at midnight. 266 00:17:05,579 --> 00:17:08,359 Well, did you get the money? Yeah. Did Betsy call back yet? No, and I'm worried 267 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:11,099 about that. Well, maybe she lost track of time. How could she? She's got my 268 00:17:11,099 --> 00:17:12,099 watch. 269 00:17:16,579 --> 00:17:17,579 It's Betsy. 270 00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:21,680 What? She said she would call first. Well, so she lacks breeding. What are we 271 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,119 going to do? No, no, no. Relax, relax. 272 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,279 I got a plan. 273 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,599 Okay. I hope it works out for you. No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 274 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,920 You just let her in. 275 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,340 I will hide in the closet. Will you get the watch back? 276 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,600 I'll jump out. We got a trap. You understand? 277 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:35,840 Okay. Good plan. 278 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:45,560 Are you sure the watch is that important? 279 00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:47,780 Open the door! 280 00:17:48,740 --> 00:17:49,140 All 281 00:17:49,140 --> 00:17:55,800 right. 282 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:56,880 You got the money? 283 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,740 Yeah. I got the money. 284 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,600 You got the watch? 285 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,060 Right here. 286 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,320 Huh? 287 00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:15,400 Okay. I got the watch. You got the money. Now what? 288 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:16,680 Okay. 289 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:17,880 Hold it right there. 290 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,260 Who's the old man? 291 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:26,420 I am the old man whose watch you stole. Now you sit right here, sister. You tell 292 00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:27,420 her, John. 293 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,200 What are you doing? 294 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,460 I'm calling the police. 295 00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,890 You should have thought of that before you pulled this little spunk. 296 00:18:38,030 --> 00:18:41,050 Hello, this is an emergency. I want to report... I want to... I want to... All 297 00:18:41,050 --> 00:18:42,050 right, I'll hold on. 298 00:18:42,810 --> 00:18:45,270 You're going to have to go down there and tell them what happened here. And 299 00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:46,830 it was this girl who beat you up. 300 00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:50,050 You... I got to tell them that? 301 00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:54,230 You bet you do. Come on. Well... John. 302 00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:56,950 Maybe we ought to think this over a little bit. 303 00:18:58,090 --> 00:19:01,630 Hello, this is John Lacey. I'd like to speak to Officer... Officer... Oh, yes. 304 00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:02,429 I'll hold on. 305 00:19:02,430 --> 00:19:03,430 John. 306 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,000 It's your birthday. 307 00:19:05,460 --> 00:19:07,220 Why don't you let this poor girl go? 308 00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:11,720 You'll feel better. You'll sleep better. It'll be better. Oh, come on. You don't 309 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,400 care about this poor kid. The only one you're worried about is yourself. 310 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,040 You're just afraid that everybody's going to find out that it was a little 311 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,500 like this that beat you up, right? Yeah. Well, can you blame me? 312 00:19:20,820 --> 00:19:23,500 This is the kind of thing that the newspapers have a field day with. 313 00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,640 Yes, I know. I can just see the headlines. 314 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,020 Woman whips wimp. 315 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,560 Come on. Will you give me a break? 316 00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:34,790 This is all your fault anyway. None of this would have happened if it weren't 317 00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:35,910 for your stupid birthday. 318 00:19:36,630 --> 00:19:40,530 You are some piece of work. You bring this girl up to my apartment and then 319 00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:41,509 blame me? 320 00:19:41,510 --> 00:19:43,450 Please don't be too hard on Kirk. 321 00:20:02,730 --> 00:20:04,530 little Vanessa till I get out of prison. 322 00:20:06,150 --> 00:20:10,970 Do you think I could use the phone so I could hear a little voice just one more 323 00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:12,050 time? No, no, no. 324 00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,350 It's okay. It's okay. 325 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:18,830 I don't know why I'm doing this, but I won't turn you in. 326 00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:36,350 Wait to see John's face when I take his picture and we, uh, surprise him. Yeah, 327 00:20:36,350 --> 00:20:37,810 I bet we really get him this year. 328 00:20:38,050 --> 00:20:40,250 No, no, Kirk must already be here. 329 00:20:40,830 --> 00:20:42,510 Oh, yeah, I wonder what's going on. 330 00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,070 Oh, my God! 331 00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:46,810 Well, 332 00:20:54,290 --> 00:20:57,430 I called the police, gave them a total description of Betsy. 333 00:20:57,930 --> 00:21:01,170 We put your birthday cake in the freezer so that all you have to do... 334 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:06,840 sorry your birthday turned out like this, John. 335 00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:11,020 Yeah, well, you know, it wasn't so much losing the money, but the watch. 336 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,680 That really kills me. 337 00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:14,700 Hopefully the police will get it back. 338 00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:15,900 Oh, I know. 339 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,700 But us taking you out to dinner will help you keep your mind off of things. 340 00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:20,260 Yeah. Yeah. Right, right. 341 00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:21,780 I'll just get my coat. Okay. 342 00:21:39,660 --> 00:21:41,000 Sure. Oh, good night, Kurt. 343 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,440 Don't wait up. 344 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:47,320 Hi, 345 00:21:55,420 --> 00:21:56,379 I'm Kevin Bacon. 346 00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:59,200 Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so cuddle up with your loved one 347 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:02,940 someone else's loved one and watch me host Saturday Night Live with In Excess. 348 00:22:03,380 --> 00:22:06,080 How do some Brazilian merchants deal with street kids? 349 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,600 They have them killed. 350 00:22:08,220 --> 00:22:12,380 I'm Tom Brokaw. We'll go inside Brazil's ring of death squads on expose Sunday. 351 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:53,440 In the still of the night 352 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:59,880 I held you, held you tight 353 00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:09,760 You guys need a lot of work. 354 00:23:11,420 --> 00:23:15,920 Us? Well, no, it's getting there. But you've got to give me more soul. 355 00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:20,520 We're never going to win that contest if your shooby -doos lack conviction. 356 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,480 I thought our shooby -doos were quite cool. 357 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:24,899 Well, they were. 358 00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:30,080 They were. But, unfortunately, Clancy's isn't handing out any $500 prizes for 359 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,900 quite good. We have to be great. 360 00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:34,500 And we can be. Come on. 361 00:23:38,820 --> 00:23:42,120 Surprise! Remember, you're Kirkettes. 362 00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:47,780 Kirkettes! I hate that! Since when do you get to pick the name? Well, whose 363 00:23:47,780 --> 00:23:51,660 was it that did us get this in the first place? Yours. And I thought it might be 364 00:23:51,660 --> 00:23:54,580 fun, so I let you be lead singer and act important. 365 00:23:54,860 --> 00:23:56,960 But I am not a Kirkette. 366 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:02,360 I will never be a Kirkette. And if you ever again refer to me as a Kirkette, I 367 00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:05,260 will personally ensure that you are the last of your illustrious line. 368 00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:10,150 Meaning? A swift kick that'll make you a Kirkette. 369 00:24:11,670 --> 00:24:14,170 Now, now, Kate, I don't think that will be necessary. 370 00:24:14,790 --> 00:24:17,090 No, but it might help him with his high notes.