1 00:00:00,170 --> 00:00:01,510 I'm not interested in you. 2 00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:03,330 What makes you say that? 3 00:00:03,810 --> 00:00:05,370 The woman spit on your shoes. 4 00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:09,390 In Kirk's crowd, that's foreplay. 5 00:01:08,490 --> 00:01:10,130 It's their last night in business. 6 00:01:10,330 --> 00:01:11,330 They're closing. 7 00:01:11,550 --> 00:01:14,590 Oh, no. I adore that restaurant. 8 00:01:15,210 --> 00:01:16,068 Me, too. 9 00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:18,090 The place is a neighborhood institution. 10 00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:22,910 And a trendsetter, too. It was the first restaurant in Queens to use bug 11 00:01:22,910 --> 00:01:23,910 zappers. 12 00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:28,130 I was there opening night, 1943. 13 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:31,530 That's when I had my first Navy grog. 14 00:01:32,130 --> 00:01:35,270 Two hours later, I had my first groggy Navy man. 15 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,259 Ernest is closing. 16 00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:43,780 I feel like I'm losing an old friend. 17 00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:47,060 Yeah, well, you know what they say. Lose a friend, make a friend. Shall we begin 18 00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:48,060 the meeting, please? 19 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:52,380 John, Ernest happens to hold a lot of special memories. 20 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:57,300 I can still remember the first time I went in there. 21 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:59,960 I'll wager Kate does, too. 22 00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,060 I sure do. 23 00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:18,520 I beg your pardon? I couldn't help noticing you printing in the mirror. 24 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:21,980 suggest you relax and stop being so nervous? You look absolutely smashing. 25 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,720 Thank you very much. 26 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,500 I'm waiting for someone. 27 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:34,900 This is my first date since my divorce. Oh, I remember the first date I had 28 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,020 after my divorce. 29 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,520 I sank all the way down to answering an ad in the personal. 30 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:51,600 You dated him? 31 00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:57,840 The ads all say that. But if you want to picture them accurately, a good rule of 32 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:58,759 thumb is this. 33 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,380 You subtract 100 from their IQ and add it to their weight. 34 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:11,800 I'm Kate McCarran. Louise Manson. You know, Kate, I've just started a little 35 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,680 support group for those of us who suddenly find ourselves back in the 36 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:19,160 world. Here's a card if you're interested in joining us. 37 00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:21,510 It's called the One -Two -One Club. 38 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:28,130 Well, thanks, Louise. But, you know, I've never been a joiner. And besides, 39 00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:32,310 know, I'd really like to give this dating scene a real chance before I do 40 00:03:32,310 --> 00:03:33,310 anything this drastic. 41 00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:59,060 I'll just run into the little fellow's room, and then we'll get a table. 42 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,380 Take your time. 43 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:02,020 Okay, Applecake. 44 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,160 You're having dinner with him? 45 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:13,320 I know what you're thinking. 46 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,839 But he's a kind, thoughtful, generous man. 47 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:20,660 He'd give you the hair off his head. 48 00:04:31,690 --> 00:04:33,710 Now there's what I've been hoping for. 49 00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,270 Do you think that's it? 50 00:04:35,770 --> 00:04:41,450 No, no such luck. His letter said that he'd be carrying a single long stem 51 00:04:42,290 --> 00:04:43,290 Come, 52 00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:47,270 come, I must run. 53 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:47,700 opens out onto the alley. 54 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,060 Run for your life. 55 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:54,840 Bless you. 56 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,280 Kate, that's a nice story. 57 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:07,740 I can't believe we're wasting valuable group time discussing that dumb 58 00:06:07,740 --> 00:06:11,240 restaurant. John, what have you got against Ernie? 59 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,320 Well, let's just say I don't have very fond memories of the place, all right? 60 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:17,600 Besides... We should be discussing something a lot more important. 61 00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:20,560 Something that enriches our lives. Okay, John. 62 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:24,700 Um, did I ever tell you about the time I was on a parole board at a woman's 63 00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:25,700 prison? 64 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:31,320 Please, come on, turn. Well, John, I've got a story about overcoming anger and 65 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:32,320 learning to survive. 66 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:37,740 Good. Now, that's what the one -to -one club is about. Go ahead, Ralph. Well, it 67 00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:40,140 was my first Christmas Eve in New York City. 68 00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:44,260 And if it hadn't been for Ernie's lamplight, it might have been my last. 69 00:07:53,130 --> 00:07:54,290 No, no, Joey. 70 00:07:54,610 --> 00:07:56,210 Santa just had a bad day. 71 00:07:58,050 --> 00:08:03,830 You know, I spent all day collecting money for the mission. I had over $12. 72 00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:07,330 now look at me. I don't have any money. I don't have a clapper. 73 00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:10,230 I don't even have a pot to collect in. 74 00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:16,050 Hey, what are you trying to do? 75 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,630 Excuse me? Because of you, my kid thinks he's not going to get any presents for 76 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:21,750 Christmas. Well... 77 00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:26,050 I'm sorry, but I think there's something you should know. The whole restaurant 78 00:08:26,050 --> 00:08:28,530 knows. You hate kids, you hate New York. 79 00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:30,550 No, no, no, it's not that. 80 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,250 I'm not really Santa Claus. 81 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:48,370 Yeah, but my kid doesn't know that. Now go over there and tell Joey he's going 82 00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:50,470 to have a great Christmas and get a lot of presents. 83 00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:52,890 Oh, all right. 84 00:08:57,510 --> 00:08:58,510 Ho, 85 00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:05,510 ho, ho, little Joey. 86 00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:11,370 I've been a good boy all year, and now you hate me, don't you? 87 00:09:11,870 --> 00:09:13,670 Santa's just tired, that's all. 88 00:09:13,870 --> 00:09:14,870 Don't mind me. 89 00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:33,450 You know, if you're looking for something with real power, try the Mega 90 00:09:33,450 --> 00:09:34,450 500. 91 00:09:36,570 --> 00:09:39,170 Yeah, it's got dual injected speed drive. 92 00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:43,290 Really? Yeah. I guess you already have Robotron, huh? 93 00:09:46,650 --> 00:09:48,770 My father says it's too expensive. 94 00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:50,870 Not for Santa Claus. 95 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:09,520 to put together. 96 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,440 Santa has to get back to work now. 97 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:14,980 Ho, ho, ho. 98 00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:22,480 Look, before you force me into bankruptcy, here, here's a 20. Go hail 99 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,480 reindeer. 100 00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:26,620 $20? 101 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,200 Whoa. 102 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,920 What a great city. 103 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,680 The people are so generous and the kids are... 104 00:11:09,290 --> 00:11:11,190 and have them take me there for a wonderful evening. 105 00:11:11,870 --> 00:11:13,430 Have you forgotten, dear? 106 00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:15,150 It's closing tonight. 107 00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,350 So we'll go someplace else. 108 00:11:20,790 --> 00:11:24,350 Mary Beth, it's just as well you never set foot in that place. 109 00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:27,010 You wouldn't feel that way if you'd gone there with me. 110 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:31,050 You would have gotten the royal treatment. I gave those people at 111 00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:32,230 night they'll never forget. 112 00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:34,510 Oh, come on, Kirk. 113 00:11:35,050 --> 00:11:38,650 Hey, if they can reminisce, I can reminisce. 114 00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:45,400 Oh, that table's reserved exclusively for our most important customer. 115 00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:47,320 Oh? And who's that? 116 00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:48,980 Here he is now. 117 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,440 champagne for the twins. 118 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,880 Oh, Kurt. 119 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:23,900 Ladies, please, what did I say about touching in public? 120 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,320 That's much better. 121 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,580 For the orphan. 122 00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:38,780 Oh, dear sister, a little something. 123 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,360 One hundred dollars. 124 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:46,520 Oh, Mr. Morris, you are so kind. I... Orphans are people, too. 125 00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:17,560 I think I hear a piano player crying. 126 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,040 Sweetheart, what is wrong? 127 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,960 I don't know what I'm going to do, Mr. Morris. 128 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,520 My husband can't find a job. 129 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,980 Last week, just to feed the children, he sold all of the furniture. 130 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:42,180 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why don't you dry those pretty little eyes while yours 131 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:44,040 makes everything right again? 132 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,020 Hugo. 133 00:13:56,620 --> 00:14:00,620 Ladies and gentlemen, there's a little lady here tonight. 134 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,480 She's kind of down on her luck. 135 00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:05,620 So, hey. 136 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:10,800 If you feel moved by my song and you'd like to help out, feel free to pitch in. 137 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:12,520 Anything. 138 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:14,160 Anything at all. 139 00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:16,660 Tommy. 140 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:28,400 It had to be you. 141 00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:37,900 I wandered around and finally found 142 00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:43,700 the somebody who could make me be true. 143 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:53,020 be blue and even be blessed just to be said 144 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:58,560 some others I've seen 145 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:05,460 might never be new might never be 146 00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:12,440 forced or try to be boss but they wouldn't do for nobody 147 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,860 else gave me a thrill with for your... 148 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,600 compassionate man I am. 149 00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:56,500 Kirk, if you have any compassion, you'll stick your tongue in the door and slam 150 00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:57,500 it until it bleeds. 151 00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:05,660 John, where are you going? 152 00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:09,380 Home. I've had enough of Ernie's lamplight. 153 00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:10,860 You're lazy. 154 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,680 What? Sit down. Wait a minute. Now, now, just a minute. 155 00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:18,720 I've had just about enough of your childish petulance. 156 00:16:24,590 --> 00:16:26,470 All right, you want to know what happened in Ernie's? I'll tell you. 157 00:16:27,850 --> 00:16:29,350 It was the worst day of my life. 158 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,490 Oh, my. 159 00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:37,010 Not the day you got your, uh, Dear John letter. 160 00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:41,530 The ink was hardly dry when I wandered into that joint. 161 00:16:47,570 --> 00:16:52,830 Good evening, sir. 162 00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,040 And what is the name? 163 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,700 Oh, I don't have a reservation. 164 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,600 I don't even know what I'm doing here. 165 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,420 I think I'm losing my mind. 166 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:07,319 I just split up with my wife today. I found out she's been having an affair 167 00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:08,319 my best friend. 168 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,500 Do you mind, sir, if you're bluffing the after -dinner man? 169 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,240 I'll just have a drink over here at the bar. 170 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,440 Excuse me. 171 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,140 Is this your wife? 172 00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:23,460 Yes. That's your friend? 173 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,020 Yes. Don't ever let that snake out of your sight. 174 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,020 What can I do for you? 175 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,660 I'll just have a beer. 176 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,360 What am I supposed to do? 177 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,680 Start over? 178 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:42,600 Start dating again? Start hanging out in bars and talking to strangers? I can't 179 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,600 do that. 180 00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:46,340 Why me? 181 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:49,700 Why me? 182 00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,730 12 years, 12 long years. 183 00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:56,210 Out the window, down the drain. 184 00:17:57,390 --> 00:18:00,110 Was it me? I mean, was it my fault? 185 00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:03,070 I guess you'll be running a tab, huh? 186 00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:11,270 They think they're going to get away with this. 187 00:18:11,930 --> 00:18:15,030 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to put a bomb in the car. That's what I'm 188 00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:15,789 going to do. 189 00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,310 Blow up all the dispilleries. 190 00:18:17,510 --> 00:18:20,680 No, no, no, no. What? Crazy? I just put new tires on that car. 191 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:30,880 Wendy didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face. I mean, could you 192 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:31,880 believe that? 193 00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:36,280 The woman was supposed to love me for the rest of her life. 194 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,540 Okay. No, Wendy. 195 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,660 Yeah, nice talking to you. 196 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,160 That's the way you feel? 197 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:45,600 Forget about it. 198 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:47,940 Try to understand. 199 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,460 Excuse me. My fiancé just tossed our engagement ring over here someplace. 200 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:53,799 I think she's leaving. 201 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,800 Oh, no. Nancy. 202 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,200 Nancy. 203 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,380 Are you being unreasonable? No, I'm not. 204 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,500 Excuse me. I just found your engagement ring. Wow. This must have slipped off 205 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:04,800 your finger. I don't want it. 206 00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:06,420 She's mad at me. 207 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:10,920 He wants to postpone the wedding. No, no, no. I didn't say definitely. I just 208 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,160 said maybe. You got cold feet. 209 00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:15,620 So? I bet everybody gets cold feet. 210 00:19:16,419 --> 00:19:17,419 Excuse me. 211 00:19:17,660 --> 00:19:18,660 Be married. 212 00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:23,720 Wasn't over married. 213 00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:26,260 Separated. 214 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,480 What are you asking him for? He probably thinks that marriage is a waste of 215 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:31,480 time. You bet I do. 216 00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:34,420 Fifty percent of the men that get married get divorced. You know why? 217 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:35,640 Because they married women. 218 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:38,680 I'll give you another statistic. 219 00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:41,320 Eighty percent of the men on death row are married. 220 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,340 They're the lucky ones. They took the easy way out. 221 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:47,560 Maybe he's right. 222 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,680 Maybe we shouldn't rush into this after all. 223 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:51,920 Shouldn't rush into what? 224 00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:55,020 Marriage. No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you 225 00:19:55,020 --> 00:19:58,600 listening to me for? Don't listen to me. Look, I didn't come here to screw up 226 00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,600 your lives tonight. 227 00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:06,620 Look, I'm just a little crazed because my wife ran out on me a couple of hours 228 00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:07,620 ago. 229 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,720 I had 12 years of really great memories, you know. 230 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,240 Not to mention a wonderful son. 231 00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:16,630 Matthew. 232 00:20:17,810 --> 00:20:18,830 Hey, look, look. 233 00:20:19,030 --> 00:20:22,750 I took a chance and it didn't work out for me, but that doesn't mean it won't 234 00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:23,750 work out for you. 235 00:20:25,670 --> 00:20:26,670 Do you love him? 236 00:20:28,630 --> 00:20:29,630 Yes, I do. 237 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,290 Hey, do you love her? 238 00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:34,849 Very much. 239 00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:36,110 Then take the chance. 240 00:20:36,950 --> 00:20:39,990 Well, years from now, you'll kick yourself for what you might have missed. 241 00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:41,350 know, for what you could have had. 242 00:20:42,730 --> 00:20:49,320 Look. If you keep loving each other, then it all might just fall into place. 243 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,520 So how about we get married next weekend? 244 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,020 I'd love to. 245 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,360 This one's on me. 246 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,500 That was nice, what you did for those two kids. 247 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,640 I give them six months, honestly. 248 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:27,300 Funny, now that I've talked about it, I think I might have done some good that 249 00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:28,300 night. 250 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,020 Hopefully, those two kids are still together. 251 00:21:33,820 --> 00:21:36,720 I say we get out of here before he starts taking up a collection for a 252 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:37,740 cappuccino maker. 253 00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:40,380 What? 254 00:21:40,650 --> 00:21:44,970 we all go down and have a final drink at the Lamplight and give it a proper fend 255 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:49,110 off. Sounds like a great idea, but do you think we can all get out? Oh, yeah, 256 00:21:49,170 --> 00:21:50,170 probably, Mom. 257 00:21:50,230 --> 00:21:53,830 Oh, that's no problem. Kirk can get us in, right, Kirk? Oh, yeah, right. 258 00:21:54,050 --> 00:21:55,050 They owe me. 259 00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,890 By the way, where is this joint? 260 00:22:01,810 --> 00:22:02,810 What? 261 00:22:02,990 --> 00:22:04,190 The twins were driving. 262 00:22:07,820 --> 00:22:11,960 The outrageous fun of Night of a Thousand Laughs continues with an all 263 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,260 episode of Empty Nest. 264 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,400 Then tomorrow night, the critically acclaimed miniseries Blind Faith. 265 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:22,240 Robert Urich stars as the perfect family man accused of murdering his wife. 266 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:23,920 Following Matlock tomorrow. 267 00:22:51,150 --> 00:22:53,790 You made the All -Star? I can take it. You're an All -Star. 268 00:22:54,270 --> 00:22:55,530 Top of the heap. Take it later. 269 00:22:55,750 --> 00:22:56,750 Cream of the crop. 270 00:22:57,050 --> 00:22:58,410 My son here made the All -Star team. 271 00:22:59,270 --> 00:23:02,410 Yeah. They only picked 1 ,500 of the 1 ,000 kids, and Matthew here was one of 272 00:23:02,410 --> 00:23:05,290 them. As a reward, he gets to play in the international tournament. 273 00:23:05,590 --> 00:23:08,870 And we get jackets with our name on it. And he gets a jacket with his name on 274 00:23:08,870 --> 00:23:10,270 it. And we're going to Belgium. 275 00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:11,309 He's going to Belgium? 276 00:23:11,310 --> 00:23:13,130 And it only costs $1 ,800. 277 00:23:13,610 --> 00:23:15,110 And he gets a jacket with his name on it.