1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:01,040 Thank you. 2 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,340 Dear John is filmed before a live studio audience. 3 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:50,960 Okay. 4 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,800 Now, make sure you tell my brother the place looks cheerful. 5 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,520 But it doesn't. 6 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,220 Well, it's better than that gloomy hotel room he's been living in. 7 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:00,460 No, it's not. 8 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:07,960 So, John, how do you like your new bachelor pad? 9 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:09,700 Not very cheerful. 10 00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:12,020 What did I tell you, Gloria? 11 00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:14,420 I'll help you fix it up. 12 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,560 It will be very, very nice. 13 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,260 I give you credit, John, the way you've come through this divorce. 14 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,200 Divorce? 15 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:22,960 Oh, right, yeah. 16 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:27,120 I almost forgot about it. I mean, it must have really thrown you for a loop. 17 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:29,200 Your best friend and your wife. 18 00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:31,360 I've had better starts to a week. 19 00:01:32,580 --> 00:01:35,720 I bet every time you think of her, you can't help picturing the two of them 20 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,620 together. Actually, Harry, I don't mean... Must really stay with you. 21 00:01:39,980 --> 00:01:43,080 You know what they say, time heals everything. Those stolen looks. 22 00:01:43,690 --> 00:01:47,870 The secret smiles, the soulful sighs, a little winks. 23 00:01:48,990 --> 00:01:49,990 See what I mean? 24 00:01:50,550 --> 00:01:51,550 Okay. 25 00:01:51,970 --> 00:01:53,770 That should get you started. 26 00:01:54,270 --> 00:01:59,170 Huh? Oh, thanks, thanks. Now, John, I hope it goes without saying, the last 27 00:01:59,170 --> 00:02:01,530 thing I want to do is interfere in your life. 28 00:02:01,810 --> 00:02:04,570 Well, I appreciate it. But I saw this ad in the paper. 29 00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:08,229 See, it's for divorced and single people. 30 00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:10,630 The one -to -one club. 31 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:11,369 Mm -hmm. 32 00:02:11,370 --> 00:02:15,290 meeting tonight at the community center what do you say honey john's not 33 00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:19,450 interested in a place like that i mean why would he want to go hang around with 34 00:02:19,450 --> 00:02:20,810 a bunch of other pathetic losers 35 00:02:54,890 --> 00:02:55,869 Excuse me. 36 00:02:55,870 --> 00:02:56,930 Yes, can I help you? 37 00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:58,290 John. John Lacey. 38 00:02:58,690 --> 00:02:59,690 I phoned earlier. 39 00:02:59,870 --> 00:03:01,290 Oh, you must be one of the new members. 40 00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,149 Oh, gosh. 41 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:06,110 I don't seem to have you on my list. 42 00:03:06,650 --> 00:03:10,410 Oh, well, no problem. My name is Faye. I'm the organizer of the group. Oh, nice 43 00:03:10,410 --> 00:03:11,410 to meet you. Thanks. 44 00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:12,870 Come on over and meet another new member. 45 00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:15,060 Frank? Say hello to John. 46 00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:18,240 Hi. It's his first night as well. 47 00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,400 We'll get the meeting started in a moment. 48 00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:32,440 She seems very nice. 49 00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,880 Yes. Helps make you relax. Yeah. 50 00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:38,100 Hello, everyone. 51 00:03:38,420 --> 00:03:41,060 There's supposed to be some other new members joining us this evening. 52 00:03:41,550 --> 00:03:44,530 They're probably still wandering around in that maze of corridors out there. 53 00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,970 So, while we're waiting for them to join us, why don't we meet the two that did 54 00:03:47,970 --> 00:03:48,970 manage to get here? 55 00:03:49,390 --> 00:03:50,710 I'd like you to introduce yourselves. 56 00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:53,690 Frank, why don't we start with you? Oh, good. 57 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,380 Elimination. Some of these friends are almost dead. 58 00:04:26,660 --> 00:04:29,340 Yes, John, please. This is John. Oh, hi. 59 00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:32,920 Good evening. My name is John, and I'm in the wrong room. 60 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,120 Come on, John. 61 00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:40,440 We know it's tough, but if Frank can do it, so can you. No, no, no, no, no, 62 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,720 really. No, no, I'm in the wrong room. 63 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,320 No, John, I know you have a drinking problem. I can tell. 64 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,700 Tell? What are you talking about? I noticed your breath before. 65 00:04:50,180 --> 00:04:54,080 Oh, that? No, I was early, so I stopped in the bar and had a... Very small 66 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,760 white. We've all been in that bar before, John. 67 00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:03,740 No, no, no, really, really. Look, I came here tonight to join something called 68 00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:06,800 the one -to -one club. It's for divorced people. 69 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,320 I looked through the window and you all looked, well, divorced. 70 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,440 Well, most of us are divorced. 71 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:15,700 Well, of course. 72 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:16,940 No, 73 00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:18,340 I'm sorry. 74 00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:21,120 Please, please. The one -to -one club is across the hall. 75 00:05:21,340 --> 00:05:22,340 Yeah, thanks. 76 00:05:23,050 --> 00:05:24,790 There were no signs, no arrows. 77 00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:26,030 Well, what did you expect? 78 00:05:26,870 --> 00:05:29,990 Emotionally shattered this way, luscious to your left? Yeah, I know what you 79 00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:31,710 mean. Look, I'm very sorry. Good luck, Frank. 80 00:05:56,140 --> 00:05:57,140 Just browsing. 81 00:05:57,660 --> 00:05:59,280 I've got to go. 82 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:02,860 Did you by any chance phone me this afternoon? 83 00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:05,540 Me? No. I haven't phoned anyone for years. 84 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,060 It's John, isn't it? 85 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:09,139 Uh, no. 86 00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:10,720 John? Yes? Your paper. Thank you. 87 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,150 Stick with me. You're going to make it like a bandit. 88 00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:50,049 Excuse me? 89 00:06:50,050 --> 00:06:51,050 With the femmes. 90 00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:53,170 Femmes? Femmes. Females. Ladies. 91 00:06:53,390 --> 00:06:54,390 Broadskies. Oh, yeah. 92 00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:56,550 I mean, look around. 93 00:06:56,610 --> 00:07:01,110 What do you see? John. Huh? You see divorced, separated, even widowed 94 00:07:01,510 --> 00:07:04,210 Yeah. They look around. What do they see? They see you. 95 00:07:04,670 --> 00:07:06,170 And they see me, my friend. 96 00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:12,130 Yeah. We could really get our turkeys tetrazzini'd in a... 97 00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:29,660 Check out these other zombies. I mean, I've seen lively faces with tags on 98 00:07:29,660 --> 00:07:30,660 toes. 99 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,380 See the redhead over there? 100 00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:37,500 Don't look. 101 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,720 Oh, boy, John, relax. 102 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:41,020 You're dense, Hank. 103 00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:53,930 She has been coming out to me all night. 104 00:07:54,550 --> 00:07:56,990 I'm afraid to smile over here. Next thing you know, she's going to be 105 00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:57,990 tie me up. 106 00:07:59,070 --> 00:08:00,490 Which reminds me, you like typhoon? 107 00:08:02,370 --> 00:08:05,070 Yeah, I guess I do. All right, we'll finish up here. We'll grab a couple of 108 00:08:05,070 --> 00:08:08,590 these babes, zip down at a Cafe Siam, shake and bake a little. No, no, no, no, 109 00:08:08,590 --> 00:08:09,569 no, no, no, no, no. 110 00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:10,790 It's cool, John. It's cool. 111 00:08:11,150 --> 00:08:12,830 You got a car, right? Well, actually, no. 112 00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:14,750 All right, nice talking to you, John. 113 00:08:18,190 --> 00:08:19,190 Kirk, your name is Kirk. 114 00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:21,510 Stay with me. You're going to make out like a... 115 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:29,880 Hi. 116 00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:34,820 Hi. First time here? Yeah. 117 00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:36,340 Yeah, mine too. 118 00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:40,200 I've been meaning to give this a try for a couple of weeks. I just couldn't work 119 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:40,879 up the nerve. 120 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:41,880 Yeah, I know what you mean. 121 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,040 I've got a feeling we're all going to get along just great. 122 00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:11,040 Now let's get some introductions going shall we? 123 00:10:02,990 --> 00:10:04,690 Anonymous meaning is in the room across the hall. 124 00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:06,670 What? Yes. Oh, God. 125 00:10:07,350 --> 00:10:08,350 I'm sorry. 126 00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:26,550 for cosmetic reasons. 127 00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:32,310 I'm sorry. 128 00:11:32,550 --> 00:11:36,390 So I phrased the question badly. Now, that's no reason to attack me. I wasn't 129 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:39,070 attacking you. I'll rephrase the question, all right? It's not necessary. 130 00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:42,110 bothers you that much, I'll rephrase the question. Fine, rephrase the question. 131 00:11:42,110 --> 00:11:43,110 All right, I will. 132 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:48,070 Ralph, what was wrong with his eye? 133 00:11:48,350 --> 00:11:49,350 You didn't say. 134 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,700 No, Kirk, what did you do once? 135 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,700 I once gave a girlfriend of mine a kidney. 136 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:07,860 Wouldn't she have preferred a bunch of flowers? 137 00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:11,380 Found one! 138 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,740 Is it over there, dear? 139 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,960 Kirk. The name's Kirk. 140 00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:20,440 All right, everyone, with all the confusion, I'm afraid we've lost some 141 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,860 time, so let's get started right away. 142 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,480 The purpose of the one -to -one... 143 00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:32,690 is to offer the many divorced and separated people in this area a chance 144 00:12:32,690 --> 00:12:35,490 company, counselling and support. 145 00:12:35,990 --> 00:12:36,990 All right, dear? 146 00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:44,190 Now, at first, you may feel a little shy or, um, stupid about 147 00:12:44,190 --> 00:12:50,450 discussing your private lives in public, so to show you how easy it is, I'll get 148 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,450 the ball rolling myself. 149 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:14,560 which involved a Polaroid camera, spike -heeled boots, and a bullwhip. And 150 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,400 during the day, I'm a beauty consultant. 151 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,440 So there you are, you see? Easy. Now then, any questions? 152 00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:24,760 Uh, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, um, what broke up your marriage? 153 00:13:26,660 --> 00:13:29,480 I just explained that. 154 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,140 Well, I missed something. 155 00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:38,780 Her husband had these very odd desires. 156 00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:41,330 He told me that. 157 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,620 I was divorced six months ago. 158 00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:17,400 I was... We were married for ten years. 159 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,120 What made you leave her? 160 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,400 Well, actually, she left me, Kirk. 161 00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:25,260 She left me for a man that I considered to be my best friend. 162 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,260 Why? Well, we used to go to basketball games together and hang out and have a 163 00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:30,260 few beers. 164 00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:35,720 Oh, of course. Oh, you mean, why did she leave me? Did I phrase that right? No, 165 00:14:35,740 --> 00:14:36,740 no, it was perfect. 166 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,730 Well, actually, I... I really don't know why. 167 00:14:42,110 --> 00:14:46,790 See, I teach at this private school in Manhattan, and this old college friend 168 00:14:46,790 --> 00:14:49,550 mine, Mike Roberts, was transferred there. 169 00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:56,310 Well, I figured he was a stranger in town, so I invited him home for dinner, 170 00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,670 he started having an affair with my wife. 171 00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:02,110 And you didn't know anything about it? I thought we were very happy. 172 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:07,370 Until her lawyer had me thrown out of my own house. 173 00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,310 Mike moved right in. 174 00:15:09,690 --> 00:15:11,150 They're living there right now, together. 175 00:15:12,150 --> 00:15:15,230 Any, um, sexual problems? 176 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,010 I don't know. I never asked them. 177 00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:23,090 What do you mean? Between me and my wife? 178 00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:24,550 Oh, no, no, no. 179 00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:26,710 No, no. 180 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:33,350 No, well, I mean, I'm over all that now. I mean, that's in the past. I mean, 181 00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:37,050 that's history. Good, good. That's what I like to hear. Anyone else? Can you 182 00:15:37,050 --> 00:15:39,560 imagine? how deceitful that guy was, huh? 183 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:44,220 A man who considered himself to be my best friend eats at my own table and 184 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:45,660 shacks up with my wife. 185 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,480 There's a tribe in New Guinea thinks it's polite to allow their dinner guests 186 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,600 sleep with their wives. 187 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,040 Well, that must be a tribe of complete idiots. 188 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,700 Besides, we lived in New Rochelle. 189 00:15:58,820 --> 00:16:00,960 Are you still in touch with your wife? 190 00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:02,220 Only by check. 191 00:16:18,949 --> 00:16:20,590 into your personal life. 192 00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:27,130 Were there any sexual... 193 00:16:27,130 --> 00:16:34,110 We'll just as soon not talk about that. Oh, come 194 00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:35,110 on, Red. 195 00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,890 We could all use a good laugh here. Come on, tell us about your sex life. 196 00:16:39,590 --> 00:16:42,270 I would, Kirk, but then I'm afraid you'd tell us about yours. 197 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:47,650 What is it with this babe? She's so anti -me. You call me babe? again, and I 198 00:16:47,650 --> 00:16:49,210 will personally remove your other kidney. 199 00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:56,110 Ooh, I would like that. You just gotta promise you're gonna do it slow. 200 00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:57,670 All right. 201 00:16:58,430 --> 00:16:59,430 All right. 202 00:17:00,710 --> 00:17:03,910 Remember, we're here to support and encourage. 203 00:17:04,530 --> 00:17:05,530 Ralph! 204 00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:07,569 Are you divorced? 205 00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:10,030 I'm separated. 206 00:17:10,569 --> 00:17:13,069 How long were you two together before the breakup? 207 00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:15,829 Oh, let me see. It was, uh, four... 208 00:17:16,329 --> 00:17:18,170 No, no, more like five hours. 209 00:17:19,030 --> 00:17:20,069 Five hours? 210 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,230 Yeah, she left me during the wedding reception. 211 00:17:26,109 --> 00:17:28,349 Something that you said, Ruffy? 212 00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:32,350 No, I doubt it, Kirk. She doesn't understand a word of English. 213 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,350 She's Bulgarian. 214 00:17:34,650 --> 00:17:36,570 She was about to be deported. 215 00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:40,830 And then she met me and fell in love. 216 00:17:41,590 --> 00:17:42,930 And we got married. 217 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,000 It was kismet. 218 00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:50,780 You know what I think, Ralphie? 219 00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:57,240 I think this broad married you so she could stay in the country. 220 00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,920 That's a rotten thing to say. 221 00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:02,680 Yeah, well, it's the kind of guy I am. 222 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,100 Anyway, why put yourself in a dumper over some ugly commie chick? 223 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,380 No, I said she was plain. 224 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,120 Yeah, plain ugly. 225 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,380 I... I... I love her. 226 00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:29,820 We could have been happy. 227 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,860 Were there any... sex? 228 00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,240 There wasn't any time to find out. 229 00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,920 You mean the marriage was never consummated? No. 230 00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:44,590 wedding reception in the hall just off the chapel. 231 00:18:44,810 --> 00:18:48,050 Ralphie, Ralphie, couldn't you find somewhere private? You know, like a 232 00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:50,230 A closet? 233 00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:53,290 Yeah. Chances are, all his wife wanted was a good man. 234 00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,210 She had a good man. 235 00:18:55,410 --> 00:18:56,410 Oh. You. 236 00:18:56,450 --> 00:18:57,450 Oh. 237 00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:00,710 A good man would have found a closet. 238 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:12,919 All right, Mr. 239 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,220 Macho. If you're such a good man, why did your wife leave you? 240 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,200 She was probably claustrophobic. 241 00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:23,340 All right, I'll tell you. 242 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,860 It was because of insane jealousy. 243 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,760 What were you jealous about? 244 00:19:32,140 --> 00:19:33,720 Put a zipper on it, okay, Ralph? 245 00:19:43,050 --> 00:19:49,950 wife left me uh no ralph ralph are you saying that that before you were married 246 00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:56,790 that you and uh bloom like bloom like that you and bloom like her never 247 00:19:56,790 --> 00:20:01,970 made love do you mind if we talk this way no of course not 248 00:20:01,970 --> 00:20:06,310 what are you getting this broad's been around the block more times in the ice 249 00:20:06,310 --> 00:20:07,310 cream truck 250 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,720 to resolve this with Ralph. 251 00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:28,940 No, we can pick it up next week. Ralph, do you feel better for having talked 252 00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:29,940 about it? 253 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,199 No. Good. 254 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,320 Well, let's get our things together, shall we? 255 00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:39,300 My husband used to dress like a gladiator and make me pull his chariot. 256 00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:14,340 So, um, you coming back next week? 257 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,480 Uh, I'm not sure, really. 258 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:18,680 Oh, yeah, me neither. 259 00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:21,700 If I've got nothing else to do. 260 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,480 Yeah, I don't mean to kill us a few hours. 261 00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:26,180 Good night, Kate. Good night, John. Good night. 262 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,300 Um, are you coming back next week? Oh, yes, definitely. 263 00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,400 I thought you didn't like it. I didn't. 264 00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:36,020 Be good. 265 00:21:36,060 --> 00:21:40,440 All right. Oh, I meant to ask you guys. Did you guys read about me yesterday? 266 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,220 I plunged you into a burning building and saved an old lady's life? 267 00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:48,220 No. Oh, good, because I used those press boys to keep my name out of it. 268 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,340 Are you coming back next week, Kirk? 269 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:52,760 Next week? Next week? 270 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,780 I'm in the Caribbean next week, I think. But if I'm not, I'll be here. 271 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,140 See you next week, then. You bet. 272 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:03,600 Ruff, you got a car? 273 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:04,920 No, motorcycle. 274 00:22:05,540 --> 00:22:06,519 Hey, that's cool. 275 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,519 All right. 276 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,520 See you, Ray. 277 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:10,640 Bye. 278 00:22:19,980 --> 00:22:21,060 I guess I'll see you next week. 279 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,740 Uh, maybe. 280 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:24,640 Yeah. 281 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:26,640 Maybe. 282 00:22:42,510 --> 00:22:46,850 The deal when he faces a midget lawyer. And Monday night in a special hour, Al's 283 00:22:46,850 --> 00:22:49,630 adventures in a hospital teach him the true meaning of Christmas. 284 00:22:50,010 --> 00:22:54,330 Then, a doctor who didn't just make a difference, he made a miracle. A world 285 00:22:54,330 --> 00:22:57,010 premiere movie, Miracle at Beekman's Place, Monday.