1 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:15,740 This is... 2 00:00:16,380 --> 00:00:18,010 Help me! Aid! 3 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,620 Starring... 4 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,610 With his "Roast Master" Seth MacFarlane. 5 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,480 THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF DAVID HASSELHOFF 6 00:00:56,950 --> 00:01:00,120 And now please welcome to his "Roast Master": Seth MacFarlane! 7 00:01:10,730 --> 00:01:12,730 Thank you. 8 00:01:13,430 --> 00:01:16,100 Thank you so much. 9 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:17,540 Thank you. 10 00:01:18,410 --> 00:01:20,270 Hello. How are you all? 11 00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:22,740 I'm Seth MacFarlane, the creator of Family Guy. 12 00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:29,680 And I'm here to say hello 13 00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,580 the greatest cartoon character of all time... 14 00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:34,920 David Hasselhoff. 15 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:39,930 How do you make jokes of a joke? 16 00:01:41,630 --> 00:01:42,960 How to embarrass a man 17 00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:45,130 who is completely ashamed in addition? 18 00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:47,430 How do you look down on him? 19 00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:49,240 when it is already lying Shirtless on the floor? 20 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,740 Well this is what we will do tonight 21 00:01:53,810 --> 00:01:55,340 with the help of these famous third division 22 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:03,820 who join us tonight such as George Hamilton, 23 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,250 Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer... 24 00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:10,860 This looks like the waiting room for a liver transplant. 25 00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:16,300 And look at this, it's amazing... 26 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:17,630 Pamela Anderson and Lisa Lampanelli 27 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:19,570 in the same room. 28 00:02:19,630 --> 00:02:21,540 The woman more and less downloaded from the internet 29 00:02:22,340 --> 00:02:23,200 together in the same room. 30 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,100 Something is something, right? 31 00:02:30,210 --> 00:02:32,210 And of course, we have himself as the guest of honor. 32 00:02:33,650 --> 00:02:35,920 Can't deny the impact of this man in our society. 33 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:38,950 From The Fantastic Car to Baywatch, 34 00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:41,220 passing through America's Got Talent to his world famous song. 35 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,460 David's career has been, unfortunately, 36 00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:48,330 an unstoppable force that has gone around the planet. 37 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,730 And with so many different talents 38 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,430 it is not surprising that David has made a way, 39 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:56,540 a road that zigzags on the highway Pacific coast and on a pole. 40 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,210 Tonight David will be subjected to the most brutal, painful moments 41 00:03:04,710 --> 00:03:07,850 and humiliating aspects of his acting career. 42 00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:09,780 Take a look. 43 00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:19,230 Let's, as they say, go for them? 44 00:03:19,730 --> 00:03:20,590 Let's go. 45 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:21,230 Very good. Let's give them! 46 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,130 He doesn't seem like a bad guy, huh? 47 00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:29,000 I'm David Hasselhoff. 48 00:03:29,070 --> 00:03:30,140 Hurrah! 49 00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:34,910 I am a lifeguard. 50 00:03:35,610 --> 00:03:36,980 He's my boss, mom. 51 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,210 Mitch. Mitch buchannon. 52 00:03:38,850 --> 00:03:39,980 Come on, push! Push! 53 00:03:40,650 --> 00:03:41,380 It's a boy. 54 00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:43,650 He's a tiny baby! 55 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:44,890 What about Germany? I mean... 56 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,390 How do Germans feel about you? 57 00:03:48,690 --> 00:03:49,820 Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! 58 00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:51,790 Here's David Hasselhoff! 59 00:03:58,730 --> 00:03:59,900 Damn my beautiful face. 60 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,840 - You are my friend. - The feeling is mutual. 61 00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:07,640 How about some turbo? 62 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:09,680 Do you want an autograph? 63 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:10,780 What are you talking about, Fantastic car driver? 64 00:04:12,450 --> 00:04:14,250 Can you say "David Hasselhoff"? 65 00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:16,420 David Hasselhoff. 66 00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:22,420 This is a mess. 67 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,690 - You said... - No, I didn't say it. 68 00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:26,530 That? 69 00:04:26,530 --> 00:04:26,730 Tell me you're going to stop. That? 70 00:04:26,730 --> 00:04:27,760 Tell me you're going to stop. 71 00:04:28,460 --> 00:04:30,460 I'm going to stop. 72 00:04:30,530 --> 00:04:32,300 The great Hasselhoff himself... David Hasselhoff! 73 00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:35,040 Come on! This is talent! 74 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,370 Well this is what we call "America's got Hasselhoff." 75 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,310 He was in Fantastic Car and then in Baywatch 76 00:04:40,710 --> 00:04:43,640 and has more money than that you will never have. 77 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,380 David Hasselhoff. 78 00:04:46,350 --> 00:04:47,550 Hats off to Hasselhoff. 79 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:49,350 David Hasselhoff. 80 00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:51,220 David Hasselhoff! 81 00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:53,150 Some things never change. 82 00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,520 David Hasselhoff says screw you. 83 00:04:56,490 --> 00:04:57,860 You did well, Hasselhoff. 84 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,370 And now please give a round of applause 85 00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,840 for the man who is a success in Germany, 86 00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:10,440 a country known for taking rational decisions, 87 00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:14,910 Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend: David Hasselhoff! 88 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:17,980 ooga chakka ooga ooga 89 00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:19,780 ooga chakka ooga ooga 90 00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:20,910 ooga chakka ooga ooga 91 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,320 ooga chakka ooga 92 00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:29,520 I can't stop this feeling deep inside of me 93 00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:36,930 girl, you just do't realize what you do to me 94 00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:40,730 when you hold me in your arms so tight 95 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,410 you let me know everything's all right 96 00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:50,940 I'm hooked on a feeling 97 00:05:52,510 --> 00:05:59,420 and I'm high on believein' that you're in love with me 98 00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:00,890 yeah 99 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,290 hooked on a feeling 100 00:06:03,390 --> 00:06:05,260 hooked on a feeling 101 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,960 Hello! (in German) 102 00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:13,400 Thank you! (NdT: In German) 103 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,500 Thank you! 104 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:19,670 Hi, friend. 105 00:06:20,210 --> 00:06:21,210 Woohoo! 106 00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:24,280 What an entry. 107 00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:27,150 Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch. 108 00:06:27,210 --> 00:06:28,680 Pull your hair back that I can pass my hand to you. 109 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,220 You look great. 110 00:06:31,650 --> 00:06:33,290 David, here's the thing. 111 00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:35,490 Some people call you 112 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:36,760 pile of shit failed and talentless 113 00:06:37,860 --> 00:06:40,530 or just a terrible human. 114 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,730 I would like to thank you all to come tonight 115 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:44,930 and let's start 116 00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:48,800 with the roast. 117 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,400 David, your performances are like "Inception." 118 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,670 There is no sense of reality, 119 00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:56,480 it is impossible to understand what is happening, 120 00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:58,680 and in half 121 00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:00,580 we realize that you were unconscious all the time. 122 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,620 However, friend, I will tell you 123 00:07:06,690 --> 00:07:09,090 that to me you will always be Mitch Buchannon from Baywatch. 124 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,460 A series he did for first responders 125 00:07:16,530 --> 00:07:17,860 what skin cancer to the lifeguards. 126 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:23,500 Yes, for all your achievements, 127 00:07:23,570 --> 00:07:25,110 for all the greats achievements of this man, 128 00:07:25,170 --> 00:07:27,610 That's why Baywatch They made David a world star. 129 00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:31,980 David had an important role in Baywatch. 130 00:07:32,810 --> 00:07:33,750 Their job was to ruin erections. 131 00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:42,990 But David is more than a terrible actor. 132 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,600 He's also a terrible singer. 133 00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:50,660 He is the only singer in history 134 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,270 whose auto-tune just says: Fuck it! 135 00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,770 As seen in his grand entrance, 136 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,540 David is hooked on a feeling... 137 00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:03,480 the feeling that six vicodin gives you. 138 00:08:06,010 --> 00:08:07,750 However, recently 139 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,320 has not had "time" to do another great musical show. 140 00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:13,150 Just like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, 141 00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:16,090 who haven't had "time" to write another script. 142 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:17,890 Or Anderson Cooper, 143 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,230 who has not had "time" to find that special woman. 144 00:08:25,910 --> 00:08:28,480 So The Hoff is multilingual. Many must not know this. 145 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,480 Can speak English, Spanish, German 146 00:08:31,650 --> 00:08:32,920 and whatever the hell that language was 147 00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:34,850 in the burger video. 148 00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:40,100 David, 149 00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:42,270 My friend, you have done everything. 150 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,010 Thank you. 151 00:08:44,070 --> 00:08:45,670 You have gone from being a security guard the beach to watch for death. 152 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,410 And I think... 153 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,780 I think I speak on behalf of all when I say 154 00:08:52,050 --> 00:08:53,820 that what we remember most about you... 155 00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:56,090 They are Pamela Anderson's tits. 156 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,490 There they are. (voice of Stewie Griffin) 157 00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:10,270 Pamela Anderson's tits are right there. 158 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:22,840 And now let's go with our first roaster. 159 00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:26,120 He is a person with whom Hollywood doesn't want to have anything to do with it... 160 00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:27,980 Lisa Lampanelli. 161 00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:34,790 It is what we could call a sexually progressive woman. 162 00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,190 Her vagina is like "Clorox 2". (Detergent for colored clothes) 163 00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:40,400 Safe for whites but made in reality made for people of color. 164 00:09:45,730 --> 00:09:47,400 I mean, it's okay that I made this joke 165 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,210 because some of my best friends are white. 166 00:09:52,070 --> 00:09:55,310 Please welcome the Mean "Dairy Queen": Lisa Lampanelli! 167 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,120 You were great. 168 00:10:03,190 --> 00:10:05,620 Come on, a big round of applause for Seth MacFarlane! 169 00:10:07,590 --> 00:10:08,360 Come on! 170 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,490 His head is as big as my pussy. 171 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,200 Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight 172 00:10:16,330 --> 00:10:17,630 to honor a man whose career has spanned 173 00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,300 almost four decades in the show. 174 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,440 Mr. David Hasselhoff. 175 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,740 As for the attendees, David, 176 00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:32,110 I can honestly say that you deserve better. 177 00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:34,150 Seth MacFarlane... 178 00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:36,180 Jeffrey Ross... 179 00:10:36,820 --> 00:10:38,250 Jerry Springer... 180 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:39,790 I haven't seen so many geeks 181 00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:41,490 since I did the "gang bang" (Orgy type) with the cast of Glee. 182 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:45,800 Tonight I feel lucky. 183 00:10:48,070 --> 00:10:50,040 David Hasselhoff is a legend! 184 00:10:50,980 --> 00:10:56,240 David Hasselhoff began his career young and restless. 185 00:10:57,050 --> 00:10:59,710 It is now known as "the old man and the super-drunk". 186 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,720 Damn, David, what a drunk you are! Damn!! 187 00:11:04,820 --> 00:11:06,090 I don't mean that David have drunk a lot 188 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:09,160 but his liver was so black and swollen 189 00:11:09,230 --> 00:11:10,890 what could there be starring "Precious." 190 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,770 David Hasselhoff's liver it's so black 191 00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:24,140 who is fucking two of the Kardashian sisters. 192 00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:34,350 Look at that old, wrinkled thing and brown from there. 193 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,590 Is it George Hamilton or the Oprah Winfrey's pussy? 194 00:11:44,890 --> 00:11:46,590 Well... 195 00:11:47,420 --> 00:11:50,090 It is not a coincidence that George Hamilton loved the sun, 196 00:11:51,130 --> 00:11:52,490 They were born in the same year. 197 00:11:56,530 --> 00:11:59,030 The difference is that the sun He is currently a star. 198 00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:09,910 In fact George, you are the closest 199 00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:12,950 to a black that we have on stage. 200 00:12:13,010 --> 00:12:15,180 It's not because of your skin color. 201 00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:16,750 It's because you're a terrible father. 202 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,080 and you haven't worked in twenty years. 203 00:12:23,930 --> 00:12:25,260 Well I have to say good nights and fuck it. 204 00:12:26,530 --> 00:12:29,000 Fuck it. I'm leaving here. Fuck it. Good night. 205 00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:30,700 First of all I'm going to hit you with a right hand in... 206 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,100 Don't forget your walker. 207 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:44,110 It's good to see my old lady Pam Anderson here tonight. 208 00:12:44,950 --> 00:12:45,810 I love you, Pam. 209 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,150 What's wrong with your tits? 210 00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,220 They are big, they are small, They are big. 211 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,320 You have more surgeries than Roger Ebert! 212 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,960 It's a roast, idiot... 213 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,300 It's called ovulation. 214 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,730 Speaking of despicable Americans, Hulk Hogan is here. 215 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:18,810 Hulk: You were the best! fighter of history. 216 00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:23,480 Hulk Hogan became the champion world for being the first man 217 00:13:24,650 --> 00:13:27,490 in escaping the "camel clutch" by Iron Sheik. 218 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,360 It was great. 219 00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:31,290 If only you had been smart enough 220 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,290 to escape camel toe of your wife... 221 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,460 you would be much richer. 222 00:13:38,630 --> 00:13:40,170 In fact Hulk... 223 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,170 Listen! 224 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,740 It's the sound of eggs of a 19 year old young man 225 00:13:47,580 --> 00:13:48,580 hitting your ex-wife's chin. 226 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:50,640 Oh! 227 00:14:05,330 --> 00:14:07,030 But that's enough from this group. 228 00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:08,700 of "we were really in Orange County" 229 00:14:09,730 --> 00:14:11,330 We are here tonight to roast a man 230 00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:16,270 whose career has collapsed worse than the center of Haiti... 231 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,970 Mr. David Hasselhoff. 232 00:14:19,410 --> 00:14:20,110 Yeah. 233 00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:27,210 David Hasselhoff's career It has turned into a big disaster, 234 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,850 I just saw an oily pelican fly out of his ass. 235 00:14:32,890 --> 00:14:36,190 You have left that comfortable job as a judge on "America's Got Talent." 236 00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:38,330 What's wrong with you, man? 237 00:14:38,390 --> 00:14:39,760 It was the worst move in a race 238 00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:42,060 since Mel Gibson bought him to his girlfriend that recorder. 239 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,770 In short, David Hasselhoff, you, 240 00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:51,240 you are an inspiration. 241 00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:52,740 Early in your career, when people said: 242 00:14:53,940 --> 00:14:55,840 David, you will never be a serious actor. 243 00:14:56,610 --> 00:14:58,340 You said: Yes, I can. 244 00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:00,010 When they said: David, 245 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,750 You will never be a great singer. 246 00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:05,650 You said again: Yes, I can. 247 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,920 And when people said: 248 00:15:08,990 --> 00:15:12,060 David, you will never be respected in the show. 249 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,260 You said for the third time: Yes, I can. 250 00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,800 Anyway, David, in a few words... 251 00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:23,170 You couldn't, you didn't and you're an asshole. 252 00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:29,540 But don't worry David, always You can be my lifeguard, little bitch. 253 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,550 Thank you very much, David Hasselhoff. 254 00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:55,500 Our next speaker, George Hamilton, 255 00:15:56,860 --> 00:15:59,700 He is known for his slow interpretation and his permanent tan. 256 00:16:01,030 --> 00:16:03,240 It's incredible. He was in "Roots" like a white guy. 257 00:16:06,110 --> 00:16:08,210 I'm not making this up. 258 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,880 Here is the answer to the question: What can the brunette do for you? 259 00:16:12,010 --> 00:16:14,150 Ladies and gentlemen: George Hamilton. 260 00:16:30,630 --> 00:16:31,430 Oh yes! 261 00:16:33,370 --> 00:16:35,130 I know you're thinking... 262 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,670 George Hamilton does not paint nothing in this scenario. 263 00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:39,740 He's a movie star. 264 00:16:41,910 --> 00:16:43,240 To tell the truth, I'm not sure 265 00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:44,840 What am I doing here tonight? 266 00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:48,880 which is the only thing in common that I have with David Hasselhoff. 267 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,640 As you can see, I am a classically trained actor 268 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:59,280 but even I can't act like If I gave a shit about these people. 269 00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:04,650 However, we are here tonight to mock 270 00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:08,590 of this beloved icon, David Hasselhoff. 271 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,990 Except for Hulk Hogan, 272 00:17:11,060 --> 00:17:13,290 that is here to destroy the decoration after the show. 273 00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:19,430 As you know, every time I attend an event like this 274 00:17:20,570 --> 00:17:22,770 my first goal is to choose 275 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,670 who am I going to bring home to rape on my waterbed. 276 00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:30,880 Whitney Cummings... 277 00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:33,180 How I would like to make love to you. 278 00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:37,250 But unfortunately I'm just an old man with perfect vision. 279 00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:45,120 And I suspect that might be too much. 280 00:17:48,950 --> 00:17:50,050 It's obvious that this roast needs me. 281 00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:55,320 I'm the only man here who You can remove the scarf from your neck. 282 00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,420 Well Hulk Hogan can take off the scarf 283 00:17:59,550 --> 00:18:01,190 but let's face it, it's more likely 284 00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:04,860 let it be removed first the pants and the thong. 285 00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:09,930 Maybe I'm being a little subtle, Hulk. 286 00:18:10,670 --> 00:18:11,970 I'm calling you a faggot. 287 00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:21,380 Oh, God... Okay. 288 00:18:22,410 --> 00:18:24,450 David, I have followed your career 289 00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:27,280 since the beginning of the night. 290 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:31,550 And it really is incredible. 291 00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:34,490 Like all Hollywood greats, 292 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,260 David often talks about himself in the third person, 293 00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:38,830 as in "Don't fuck with Hoff" 294 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,460 or "Hoff needs his stomach pumped." 295 00:18:44,570 --> 00:18:45,830 Damn, Hoff, 296 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,770 Where are you going to hide the dead whore? 297 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,370 Why didn't you put her in your movies? 298 00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,270 Then she would never be seen again! 299 00:18:55,610 --> 00:18:57,450 Oh yes! 300 00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:01,620 This is really a night incredible, ladies and gentlemen. 301 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,650 You see a guy like this and you realize 302 00:19:04,890 --> 00:19:08,120 who has been in more of 5000 hours of television. 303 00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:12,960 double 304 00:19:13,030 --> 00:19:15,300 if you count the camera Liquor Barn security 305 00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:18,170 But it doesn't matter, 306 00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:20,230 because he has made so much money with Baywatch 307 00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:21,770 that you don't have to work again. 308 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,600 However, he doesn't take the hint. 309 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:27,980 David, I hope you enjoyed. 310 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,010 I can't tell from the botox. 311 00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:37,520 Could you blink three times if you had fun? 312 00:19:37,990 --> 00:19:39,020 Brilliant! 313 00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,020 Congratulations David. 314 00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:43,120 You are very understanding. 315 00:19:43,930 --> 00:19:45,760 Millions of people love you. 316 00:19:45,830 --> 00:19:48,960 And I just want to say this from the bottom of my heart: 317 00:19:49,670 --> 00:19:51,470 Hulk Hogan is a faggot. 318 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,070 You finished him. 319 00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:07,720 Our next guest, Jeffrey Ross, 320 00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:09,890 put the "fat Jew" back 321 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,160 in the phrase "damn fat Jew." 322 00:20:16,970 --> 00:20:18,210 Let's welcome a man 323 00:20:18,270 --> 00:20:20,070 which is as inappropriate as it is funny: 324 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:21,580 Jeffrey Ross. 325 00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:28,880 Yeah! 326 00:20:29,350 --> 00:20:30,450 Yeah! 327 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:33,490 Thanks love. 328 00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:39,830 Come on! 329 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,600 - Thanks buddy. - It's done. 330 00:20:45,330 --> 00:20:46,600 Thank you so much. 331 00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:50,940 Oh my God! 332 00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:53,840 Alright, here we go. 333 00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:56,810 Do you want to listen some dick jokes? 334 00:21:01,570 --> 00:21:02,740 But we must thank 335 00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:04,970 to the great roast master tonight: Seth. 336 00:21:05,740 --> 00:21:06,810 Great job man. 337 00:21:08,610 --> 00:21:10,210 Great job, seriously. 338 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,210 The man of a thousand voices, all of them Steview! 339 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,520 By the way Seth, South Park called. 340 00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:21,760 They want everything back. 341 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:28,930 Yeah! 342 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,600 As you know, 343 00:21:30,660 --> 00:21:32,270 just roasting those I love... 344 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,070 and David Hasselhoff. 345 00:21:35,870 --> 00:21:37,240 Finally a Jew does a "roast" to a German. 346 00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:39,340 Hey Hasselhoff! 347 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,140 The only difference between Hasselhoff and Hitler... 348 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:46,980 at least hitler knew when his career was over. 349 00:21:51,150 --> 00:21:52,490 Why do the Germans love you so much, huh? 350 00:21:53,820 --> 00:21:55,360 Maybe it's because you fill the void of spectacle 351 00:21:56,060 --> 00:21:57,020 left by Anne Frank. 352 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,200 Too soon? 353 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,480 I must admit that I loved you 354 00:22:08,690 --> 00:22:10,550 in that ad of hamburgers you made. 355 00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:12,460 Thank you. Thank you. 356 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,560 Seriously, Hoff. How's that for the chain 357 00:22:14,620 --> 00:22:16,890 of all-you-can-eat restaurants eat on the floor" that is yet to come? 358 00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,430 You know, it's a little ironic 359 00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,070 that you have made millions acting as a lifeguard 360 00:22:23,130 --> 00:22:25,370 when every night you drown your sorrows in alcohol. 361 00:22:30,770 --> 00:22:32,980 Hoff once blew into a breathalyzer 362 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,710 and the breathalyzer said: 363 00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:35,640 Wow, wow! One by one, gentlemen! 364 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,190 Where are my fans of The Car? fantastic? I know they are there. 365 00:22:43,650 --> 00:22:44,620 Yeah! 366 00:22:47,290 --> 00:22:48,620 What a stroke of luck. 367 00:22:48,690 --> 00:22:50,060 What is the probability that a alcoholic get a role in a series 368 00:22:51,090 --> 00:22:52,230 about a car that drives itself? 369 00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:57,930 That's a good one, huh. That's a good one. 370 00:22:58,740 --> 00:22:59,670 I like it. Roast. 371 00:23:00,370 --> 00:23:02,240 Oh! 372 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:04,510 I heard that Hoff a maybe I was so drunk 373 00:23:05,540 --> 00:23:07,180 who fucked Kitt through the tube exhaust (NdT: "Gashole", invented) 374 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:12,080 No means no, Michael. 375 00:23:15,350 --> 00:23:16,690 But Baywatch It was always my favorite. 376 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,650 It was always my favorite. 377 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,720 I think you should have won a special Emmy 378 00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:22,630 just to put in a belly for 12 seasons. 379 00:23:24,930 --> 00:23:27,160 In the end you had tits largest in the series. 380 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:31,930 And you were actually running in slow motion. 381 00:23:35,410 --> 00:23:37,240 And here is my other childhood hero, 382 00:23:38,380 --> 00:23:39,580 the great Hulk Hogan, what a cool guy. 383 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,510 You look great, brother! 384 00:23:44,580 --> 00:23:46,520 He's been fighting for so long 385 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:47,720 that the first time he knocked down a guy 386 00:23:47,780 --> 00:23:49,850 They told him in Roman numerals. 387 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:51,820 YO, 388 00:23:51,890 --> 00:23:53,190 I-I, 389 00:23:53,690 --> 00:23:54,860 I-I-I, 390 00:23:56,860 --> 00:23:57,430 Oh God! 391 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,430 Look at you. You look like "Dog the Bounty Hunter" pastrami version. 392 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,070 Oh, God. It's killing me. 393 00:24:08,810 --> 00:24:10,240 Many people don't know this but... 394 00:24:11,740 --> 00:24:12,880 Hulk Hogan's real name is... 395 00:24:12,940 --> 00:24:14,410 Terry. 396 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,210 Terry. Even the minority knows this. 397 00:24:16,210 --> 00:24:16,410 Lisa Lampanelli's real name? Terry. Even the minority knows this. 398 00:24:16,410 --> 00:24:18,010 Lisa Lampanelli's real name? 399 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,180 Hulk. 400 00:24:22,790 --> 00:24:24,620 There she is, as beautiful as ever. 401 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,030 And of course, there is my friend Jerry Springer. 402 00:24:32,100 --> 00:24:34,060 A man who bathes in the tears of the poor. 403 00:24:39,170 --> 00:24:40,570 What a life. What a life this guy had! 404 00:24:41,940 --> 00:24:43,840 He was mayor of, erm... Was it Cincinnati, Jerry? 405 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,470 Yeah. 406 00:24:45,540 --> 00:24:46,840 Then they caught him with a whore. 407 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:48,780 I mean, really, 408 00:24:48,850 --> 00:24:52,050 Who the hell pays a whore with a personal check? 409 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,080 It's like... it's like... 410 00:24:55,150 --> 00:24:57,990 how to pay a whore with a personal check. 411 00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:06,800 Of course Pam is here, 412 00:25:06,860 --> 00:25:08,460 because Pam and Hoff have so much in common... 413 00:25:09,530 --> 00:25:11,430 They both made embarrassing videos 414 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:12,970 with meat filling his mouth. 415 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,880 Wha! Wha! Wha! 416 00:25:26,250 --> 00:25:28,150 Hoff, I know what you think that you are so smart, 417 00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,290 how do you manage put the word "hoff" in everything... 418 00:25:31,190 --> 00:25:32,420 except in the sentence: 419 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:33,820 They have "offered" me a job. 420 00:25:38,730 --> 00:25:39,760 Oh! 421 00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:43,170 Whoo! Whoo! 422 00:25:44,050 --> 00:25:45,750 What a pleasure. 423 00:25:45,820 --> 00:25:47,650 The beautiful ones are here Hoff's daughters, Hayley and Taylor Ann. 424 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:48,820 Give them some love. 425 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,490 How nice that you came for your father. 426 00:25:54,660 --> 00:25:56,090 Apparently they aspire to be singers. 427 00:25:57,330 --> 00:25:59,430 You know, they say that talent skips a generation, 428 00:26:00,270 --> 00:26:01,800 so you're probably wonderful. 429 00:26:04,970 --> 00:26:07,070 And Hoff, the truth is that everyone loves you, 430 00:26:08,110 --> 00:26:09,580 And we're all going to campaign for you 431 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,040 so that you can give the next one great leap in your career... 432 00:26:12,110 --> 00:26:14,350 which is probably after falling on stage. 433 00:26:16,550 --> 00:26:18,120 Thank you for being so understanding tonight, 434 00:26:18,180 --> 00:26:19,280 and I hope you find work soon. 435 00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:21,020 Hey Hasselhoff! 436 00:26:25,860 --> 00:26:27,230 Thanks buddy. It was very fun. 437 00:26:28,460 --> 00:26:30,560 Very, very, very fun. 438 00:26:31,730 --> 00:26:33,700 Thanks buddy. How fun it was. 439 00:26:37,130 --> 00:26:39,130 Hi David. I'm Sharon. 440 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,530 Do you remember me? We used to work together. 441 00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:43,830 David, we are so sorry that we cannot be there with you, 442 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:45,830 but we still have a job. 443 00:26:47,570 --> 00:26:49,470 David, it's important, 444 00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:51,670 really important that you understand, 445 00:26:51,740 --> 00:26:53,540 that we were not the ones who we kicked out of the program. 446 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,980 It was more of a group decision, David. 447 00:26:57,050 --> 00:26:59,010 Including the producers, the chain... 448 00:26:59,850 --> 00:27:00,950 Millions of SMS... 449 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:02,720 Ah! and the octopus 450 00:27:02,790 --> 00:27:04,120 that chose the winners of the world cup. 451 00:27:04,190 --> 00:27:05,620 Yes, exactly. 452 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,900 Oh, and one more thing, David. 453 00:27:07,970 --> 00:27:09,930 Do you still pee on the plane? 454 00:27:11,670 --> 00:27:13,340 Do you remember that 455 00:27:13,410 --> 00:27:14,840 Did you piss on all those planes? 456 00:27:15,910 --> 00:27:18,010 You don't have to do it again. 457 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,150 Because you have nothing What to be ashamed of, David. 458 00:27:20,210 --> 00:27:22,310 Nothing. And when you think about it, 459 00:27:22,380 --> 00:27:24,420 You will have completed the circle. 460 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,520 Well yes, you started with The fantastic car 461 00:27:26,590 --> 00:27:28,650 and now you live in one. 462 00:27:30,420 --> 00:27:32,520 Congratulations, David. We love you. 463 00:27:33,030 --> 00:27:33,990 We love you. 464 00:27:38,020 --> 00:27:40,560 Our next roaster He is an athlete, actor 465 00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:42,390 and father. 466 00:27:42,460 --> 00:27:44,600 And Hulk, I have to say that your daughter, Brooke Hogan 467 00:27:44,660 --> 00:27:48,000 has become a very, very, young and beautiful uncle. 468 00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:51,600 That's not true. 469 00:27:54,010 --> 00:27:56,170 Hulk, when then explain all these jokes 470 00:27:56,980 --> 00:27:58,480 You're going to be so angry. 471 00:28:01,750 --> 00:28:03,820 Please welcome the next sports star to die: 472 00:28:04,380 --> 00:28:05,480 Hulk Hogan! 473 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:21,590 Time for war. 474 00:28:23,390 --> 00:28:26,430 Hi Lisa! How are you doing, brother? 475 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:32,940 Hello uncle! 476 00:28:33,900 --> 00:28:35,470 You know, I haven't seen you 477 00:28:35,540 --> 00:28:38,210 since you gave me one beating at "Wrestlemania IV." 478 00:28:41,310 --> 00:28:42,850 Of course at that time, 479 00:28:42,910 --> 00:28:46,150 Lisa fought under the name from "André the va-gigante". 480 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,090 You know, I'm not going to lose time with Jeff Ross. 481 00:28:55,230 --> 00:28:57,230 How do your people know? It's twice as strong. 482 00:28:57,290 --> 00:28:59,530 The only time I messed with a Jew, 483 00:29:00,500 --> 00:29:01,860 my ex-wife stayed half of my stuff. 484 00:29:06,740 --> 00:29:08,540 Of course I recognized Jeff. behind the scenes. 485 00:29:09,670 --> 00:29:11,910 His face swollen, red and unshaven. 486 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,040 It seems like Pamela Anderson... 487 00:29:16,810 --> 00:29:19,350 I'm sorry, do I have to say this? 488 00:29:32,730 --> 00:29:33,800 You can say it. 489 00:29:34,370 --> 00:29:35,330 OK. 490 00:29:36,930 --> 00:29:38,300 It seems like 491 00:29:38,370 --> 00:29:40,670 Pamela Anderson took away pussy lips. 492 00:29:41,740 --> 00:29:44,840 Oh! Oh! 493 00:29:45,940 --> 00:29:47,610 You know guys, I'm just kidding. 494 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,550 This woman is a legend... the sex symbol of his time. 495 00:29:55,090 --> 00:29:56,620 Now... 496 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:00,160 Pamela Anderson has been in the pages of Playboy 497 00:30:00,220 --> 00:30:02,660 more times than Greg Giraldo's semen. 498 00:30:06,830 --> 00:30:08,800 The great Jerry Springer is here. 499 00:30:12,700 --> 00:30:14,670 You know, your show always starts 500 00:30:14,740 --> 00:30:18,770 with the crowd shouting: Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry! 501 00:30:19,610 --> 00:30:21,510 Je-rry! Je-rry! 502 00:30:21,580 --> 00:30:23,780 What they don't show is presenter asking: 503 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:25,280 Who is the biggest scoundrel 504 00:30:26,350 --> 00:30:28,120 bastard and Penis Face from television? 505 00:30:29,090 --> 00:30:31,450 Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry! 506 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,820 Well, speaking of something 507 00:30:33,890 --> 00:30:35,690 that you don't want to see on a daily basis, 508 00:30:35,750 --> 00:30:36,990 Here's Whitney Cummings. 509 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,160 You know, this roast is a big step for Whitney. 510 00:30:42,430 --> 00:30:44,260 She had her first experience with fame 511 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,730 when George Hamilton He came in her mouth. 512 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:52,970 - Too soon! Too soon! - Too soon? 513 00:30:53,410 --> 00:30:54,610 Too soon. 514 00:30:54,670 --> 00:30:56,210 What do I know? I'm not a comic, brother. 515 00:30:59,580 --> 00:31:00,440 Seriously Hoff... 516 00:31:01,710 --> 00:31:03,650 Brother, don't you mind that your career 517 00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,190 be in the same toilet where does Lisa drink? 518 00:31:11,860 --> 00:31:13,790 But brother, I love you man. 519 00:31:13,860 --> 00:31:14,990 And I hope you continue Doing your thing, Hoff. 520 00:31:15,830 --> 00:31:17,190 Because when you go, 521 00:31:17,260 --> 00:31:18,700 There will be no one to take your place... 522 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,160 Except maybe that guy from "Airwolf." (NdT: Translated as "Wolf of the Air") 523 00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:26,240 Well, I guess to finish, 524 00:31:27,470 --> 00:31:30,170 There's only one question to ask you, Hoff. 525 00:31:31,610 --> 00:31:37,050 So what are you going to do, brother, When no one hires you? 526 00:31:39,150 --> 00:31:40,580 Yeah! 527 00:31:43,490 --> 00:31:48,390 Suck it, Hoff. 528 00:32:01,170 --> 00:32:03,340 Our next roaster It's Pamela Anderson... 529 00:32:09,940 --> 00:32:13,280 The sexiest woman in the world a long time ago. 530 00:32:15,180 --> 00:32:18,180 Please welcome to the crazy one to tie, 531 00:32:19,290 --> 00:32:21,720 shaded eyes and explosive girl from the prohibition era: 532 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:23,190 Pamela Anderson! 533 00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:29,430 Good. God bless you. 534 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:31,560 God bless you. 535 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,970 Well, well. 536 00:32:40,540 --> 00:32:41,710 This is funny. 537 00:32:41,780 --> 00:32:43,340 Anyway... 538 00:32:43,980 --> 00:32:44,980 Thanks, Seth. 539 00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:46,280 Isn't Seth adorable? 540 00:32:46,350 --> 00:32:49,050 He has the money of a tycoon of oil, the face of a child 541 00:32:49,750 --> 00:32:50,850 and a boy's penis. 542 00:32:54,260 --> 00:32:55,620 You know, I'm not very well known. for the monologues. 543 00:32:56,620 --> 00:32:58,060 I'm best known for getting laid. 544 00:33:00,090 --> 00:33:01,460 Oh David, I feel your pain, 545 00:33:02,630 --> 00:33:04,560 I know exactly what you're going through, 546 00:33:04,630 --> 00:33:06,830 except that when they "they roasted", I was important. 547 00:33:11,370 --> 00:33:13,710 It really is impressive be doing another roast. 548 00:33:13,770 --> 00:33:16,240 We have all grown so much, especially you, Lisa. 549 00:33:20,180 --> 00:33:21,850 You know, many people don't They are aware of this, 550 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:23,220 but Lisa almost had a role in Baywatch. 551 00:33:25,290 --> 00:33:28,020 Unfortunately it was impossible to find a ten piece bikini. 552 00:33:33,190 --> 00:33:34,830 I'm actually very excited, 553 00:33:34,900 --> 00:33:36,660 Hulk Hogan is here because, as you know, 554 00:33:36,730 --> 00:33:38,500 every roast needs a Dumb blonde with big tits. 555 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:49,840 You know Hulk, you've been through a lot. 556 00:33:49,910 --> 00:33:50,840 these last few years. 557 00:33:51,550 --> 00:33:52,550 You left your wife. 558 00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:54,110 You moved with your daughter, 559 00:33:54,180 --> 00:33:55,820 What does your girlfriend look like? which looks like you. 560 00:33:57,750 --> 00:34:00,950 Wow, I think Jerry Springer he just vomited in his mouth. 561 00:34:01,190 --> 00:34:02,120 Oh! 562 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:05,860 Oh, there's George Hamilton. 563 00:34:06,930 --> 00:34:09,060 I don't want to have anything What to do with that guy. 564 00:34:10,330 --> 00:34:12,470 As a proud member from PETA, I don't wear fur... 565 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,340 And I definitely don't talk to leather. 566 00:34:20,460 --> 00:34:23,860 How could one make a "roast" without Jeffrey Ross? 567 00:34:25,330 --> 00:34:28,030 No, seriously. How could it be done a roast without Jeffrey Ross? 568 00:34:30,130 --> 00:34:32,100 Because let's be honest, people put these "roasts" 569 00:34:32,740 --> 00:34:33,800 to see Jeff Ross 570 00:34:33,870 --> 00:34:35,710 in the same way they put Baywatch 571 00:34:35,770 --> 00:34:36,970 to see David Hasselhoff. 572 00:34:42,980 --> 00:34:45,010 I remember how nervous I was first day of Baywatch 573 00:34:45,750 --> 00:34:46,620 because I didn't know how to swim. 574 00:34:47,380 --> 00:34:48,720 But David was so kind. 575 00:34:48,790 --> 00:34:51,220 He took me aside and said: Don't worry, I don't know how to act. 576 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,400 But you know, that didn't stop him. keep giving me advice. 577 00:35:00,460 --> 00:35:02,160 When we were rehearsing a scene, He always told me: No, Pamela, 578 00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:05,270 say your lines with more passion, something like that. 579 00:35:07,540 --> 00:35:08,870 And he was right. It worked! 580 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,110 David took his role in Los Baywatch very seriously. 581 00:35:14,210 --> 00:35:15,650 You know, one time I actually saw him 582 00:35:15,710 --> 00:35:17,250 rescue a real person that he was drowning. 583 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:19,480 David brought the man to land, 584 00:35:19,550 --> 00:35:20,920 he gave him word of mouth and, of course, 585 00:35:20,980 --> 00:35:22,450 the man died immediately due to alcohol poisoning. 586 00:35:26,340 --> 00:35:28,240 David, I really want to work. with you again someday. 587 00:35:28,300 --> 00:35:29,770 But you know, it's just that there are no papers 588 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:31,140 for someone like me in gay porn. 589 00:35:36,050 --> 00:35:37,450 Yes there are. 590 00:35:37,510 --> 00:35:39,680 Yeah? Okay. 591 00:35:39,750 --> 00:35:42,320 Everyone here has been making fun of David's musical career, 592 00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,690 but I think there is nothing more romantic 593 00:35:44,750 --> 00:35:46,920 than opening a bottle of wine, light a good fire 594 00:35:47,990 --> 00:35:49,660 and listen to my Hasselhoff records 595 00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:51,130 sizzling in the flames. 596 00:35:55,370 --> 00:35:57,400 But you know what, David? Our friendship is real. 597 00:35:57,470 --> 00:35:59,800 That's why I feel honored to be here tonight for you. 598 00:35:59,870 --> 00:36:02,000 You have been an inspiration to me throughout my career. 599 00:36:02,070 --> 00:36:04,270 and I can't explain to you how exciting it has been 600 00:36:04,340 --> 00:36:06,680 eclipse you again in a television program. 601 00:36:08,810 --> 00:36:09,650 - I love you. - Yeah! 602 00:36:10,250 --> 00:36:10,980 Good night. 603 00:36:15,550 --> 00:36:17,690 It was to die for laughter. You are great. 604 00:36:18,990 --> 00:36:20,560 You are great. I love you, Hoff. 605 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:23,160 Our next roaster It's Gilbert Gottfried. 606 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:29,830 Just watching him act 607 00:36:29,900 --> 00:36:32,000 you can already say that It really has some... 608 00:36:32,970 --> 00:36:34,370 What is the word? Extra chromosomes. 609 00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:38,810 And it always seems 610 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:42,210 someone just sprayed me eyes with lemon juice! 611 00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:48,420 Let's welcome everyone to the disgusting uncle from America: 612 00:36:49,090 --> 00:36:49,890 Gilbert Gottfried. 613 00:37:03,670 --> 00:37:05,930 Seth MacFarlane! 614 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,170 Come on people, be patient with Seth. 615 00:37:11,340 --> 00:37:13,010 It has to be hard for him to make a roast, 616 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:18,410 especially because The Simpsons They haven't made one yet. 617 00:37:25,790 --> 00:37:28,720 If The Simpsons Wiped Their Asses 618 00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:31,060 in front of Seth MacFarlane... 619 00:37:31,890 --> 00:37:33,630 He could learn to do it too! 620 00:37:35,330 --> 00:37:39,330 But unfortunately the Seth MacFarlane's fat ass 621 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:41,500 is covered in layers 622 00:37:42,370 --> 00:37:44,540 of uncleaned excrement and shame, 623 00:37:45,770 --> 00:37:49,940 because The Simpsons they haven't done it yet. 624 00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:58,250 Lisa Lampanelli! 625 00:37:59,460 --> 00:38:02,060 I'm told that Lisa had little problems 626 00:38:03,130 --> 00:38:05,630 to choose what to wear tonight. 627 00:38:06,330 --> 00:38:07,900 couldn't decide 628 00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:11,870 between the honey glaze and the pineapple slices. 629 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,240 Lisa! I have a question. 630 00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:22,540 Where are all those black guys 631 00:38:23,580 --> 00:38:26,820 with whom you say you have sex? 632 00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:31,520 are you trying to tell me that in this time 633 00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,410 There's a single black man 634 00:38:40,180 --> 00:38:42,150 who wants to be caught 635 00:38:42,210 --> 00:38:46,420 inside a person who has the size of a slave ship? 636 00:38:57,630 --> 00:39:00,400 Currently, Lisa has an important role 637 00:39:01,230 --> 00:39:03,300 in "African Horror Story" 638 00:39:04,570 --> 00:39:07,900 It turns out that the black man who picked cotton 639 00:39:08,740 --> 00:39:10,470 she was ripping off her tampon! 640 00:39:26,420 --> 00:39:27,120 There's a joke. 641 00:39:28,190 --> 00:39:31,190 Pamela Anderson goes walking on the beach 642 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:34,260 and stumbles upon a magic lamp. 643 00:39:35,370 --> 00:39:37,070 Rub the lamp and the genie comes out. 644 00:39:38,470 --> 00:39:41,940 And the genie says: Here I am to grant you a wish. 645 00:39:43,070 --> 00:39:45,940 Pamela says: I love you to you to act as V.I.P. 646 00:39:47,010 --> 00:39:48,140 the hit series should have been. 647 00:39:49,580 --> 00:39:53,750 The genie says: Even with All my power, I can't do that. 648 00:39:54,890 --> 00:39:57,350 Can I grant you a different wish? 649 00:39:58,060 --> 00:39:59,620 So Pam says: Okay. 650 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,830 could you do my tight vagina again? 651 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:08,900 And the genie says: Uh, let me take another look at V.I.P. 652 00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:21,840 David Hasselhoff walks to a bar... every morning, 653 00:40:23,010 --> 00:40:24,880 and then it stays there until it closes. 654 00:40:29,890 --> 00:40:33,320 You know, I've always heard that David Hasselhoff 655 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:36,360 It has sold millions in Germany. 656 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:39,630 But like many stories in Germany, 657 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:43,270 Those numbers are probably inflated, 658 00:40:44,030 --> 00:40:45,900 if not a complete lie. 659 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:50,870 Oh, God. 660 00:40:50,940 --> 00:40:55,080 David Hasselhoff is running along the beach in slow motion. 661 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:57,750 He stumbles upon a magic lamp. 662 00:40:58,980 --> 00:41:02,550 Rub the lamp and the genie comes out and says: 663 00:41:03,590 --> 00:41:06,790 I'm here to grant you a wish. 664 00:41:07,990 --> 00:41:10,830 David says: Could you play The night watchmen 665 00:41:11,900 --> 00:41:13,430 the hit series should have been? 666 00:41:14,670 --> 00:41:17,800 The genie says: I have seen The night watchmen 667 00:41:18,770 --> 00:41:20,170 and even with all my power, 668 00:41:21,240 --> 00:41:23,310 I can't make that series good. 669 00:41:24,580 --> 00:41:26,480 You will have to choose a different wish. 670 00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:28,180 So David thinks about it and says: 671 00:41:29,550 --> 00:41:32,780 Could you make tight Pamela Anderson's vagina again? 672 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,960 - I don't understand. - It's just a joke. 673 00:41:42,530 --> 00:41:44,490 The genie says: No! No! 674 00:41:45,260 --> 00:41:48,960 And a thousand times not! 675 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,570 Nothing to be done 676 00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,940 with Pamela Anderson's pussy! 677 00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:00,810 And then David Hasselhoff says: 678 00:42:01,950 --> 00:42:04,880 Ok, could you make me a great singer? 679 00:42:06,150 --> 00:42:09,890 So the genius thinks and then: Abracadabra! 680 00:42:10,650 --> 00:42:13,090 You are a great singer. 681 00:42:13,820 --> 00:42:15,330 David Hasselhoff 682 00:42:15,390 --> 00:42:17,430 immediately embarks on a tour 683 00:42:18,460 --> 00:42:21,160 and the genius breaks his ass. 684 00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:23,800 He says: Oh my God! 685 00:42:24,870 --> 00:42:26,900 Look at the Hasselhoff there 686 00:42:27,640 --> 00:42:29,000 thinking he can sing! 687 00:42:29,670 --> 00:42:30,970 What an idiot! 688 00:42:33,210 --> 00:42:35,310 The genius says: It has never been done! 689 00:42:36,510 --> 00:42:39,820 such a good joke on a fool! 690 00:42:40,890 --> 00:42:43,590 They should call him "assholeHoff"! 691 00:42:46,660 --> 00:42:48,660 What a fucking joke 692 00:42:49,890 --> 00:42:54,530 he made him genius that day to that asshole! 693 00:42:55,100 --> 00:42:55,830 Good night! 694 00:43:00,240 --> 00:43:03,310 Very fun. 695 00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:16,050 Our next roaster It's Jerry Springer... 696 00:43:20,020 --> 00:43:22,590 The human being with less daily television class. 697 00:43:23,990 --> 00:43:26,760 And be the human with the least daily television class 698 00:43:27,570 --> 00:43:28,900 It's quite an achievement... 699 00:43:28,970 --> 00:43:30,470 when your guests are a ten year old pregnant woman 700 00:43:31,140 --> 00:43:32,000 and a fat lesbian. 701 00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:35,440 Here he is, Jerry Springer. 702 00:43:40,380 --> 00:43:41,480 Hello, champion. 703 00:43:47,420 --> 00:43:48,450 Hello everyone. 704 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,150 You are probably wondering because I'm in this "roast", 705 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,190 I'm here because I worked with David 706 00:43:53,260 --> 00:43:54,890 on "America's Got Talent." 707 00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,430 David is here because he didn't do it. 708 00:43:59,330 --> 00:44:00,530 Oh my god, this is embarrassing. 709 00:44:01,870 --> 00:44:04,230 I'm glad your career I'm not alive to see this. 710 00:44:07,970 --> 00:44:10,110 I mean, seriously, in your entire life, 711 00:44:10,170 --> 00:44:13,310 You've never been in anything good... 712 00:44:14,010 --> 00:44:16,310 Except for Pamela Anderson. 713 00:44:22,050 --> 00:44:23,690 You and Pamela... eh...? 714 00:44:24,190 --> 00:44:25,550 Hmm... 715 00:44:25,620 --> 00:44:27,120 I'll tell you what, if you did it, smile. 716 00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:34,630 Kitt, get me out of here. 717 00:44:38,240 --> 00:44:39,240 Wow! 718 00:44:44,310 --> 00:44:46,140 I guess it's natural May David and I be friends, 719 00:44:47,140 --> 00:44:49,010 because we are soul mates. 720 00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:51,380 In my program I have had to deal with prostitutes, 721 00:44:51,450 --> 00:44:53,750 drug addicts and mental instability. 722 00:44:53,820 --> 00:44:55,250 And you, David, you have done it with Pamela Anderson, 723 00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:58,450 Nicole Eggert and Gena Lee Nolin. 724 00:45:00,390 --> 00:45:02,220 Actually I love you very much. 725 00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:07,830 I'm not very handsome but I am rich as hell. 726 00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:12,700 I'm just saying it. 727 00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:23,680 David Hasselhoff and yours truly We've been on Broadway, 728 00:45:24,810 --> 00:45:26,120 which is true, playing Billy Flynn, 729 00:45:27,180 --> 00:45:29,050 the lawyer from the musical Chicago. 730 00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:31,290 Criticism today says, You know, I was fine. 731 00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:33,960 But David gave more singing than a real lawyer. 732 00:45:35,260 --> 00:45:36,590 Who knows? Maybe this night be able to resurrect 733 00:45:37,390 --> 00:45:39,030 that great career as a singer. 734 00:45:39,100 --> 00:45:40,530 Why don't you sing to us A few more notes, David? 735 00:45:41,930 --> 00:45:43,570 But before you do, Mr. Hogan, would you be so kind? 736 00:45:44,770 --> 00:45:47,570 to give it a tremendous hit my head? 737 00:45:51,270 --> 00:45:52,540 I'm joking, of course. 738 00:45:52,610 --> 00:45:54,540 you have to be careful when things are said 739 00:45:54,610 --> 00:45:56,280 as "head" and "hit" to a hulk like Hulk. 740 00:46:01,950 --> 00:46:03,090 Are you looking at me? 741 00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:07,690 And now my final reflection... 742 00:46:10,890 --> 00:46:13,130 You know, David Hasselhoff He's one of those guys. 743 00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:15,900 He is an incredibly man leaning forward, 744 00:46:15,970 --> 00:46:17,770 whose ambition and self-confidence 745 00:46:17,830 --> 00:46:19,070 has blessed him with phenomenal success. 746 00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:22,470 Despite his absolute lack of talent. 747 00:46:22,540 --> 00:46:24,810 Has been able to forge a brand indelible in our culture... 748 00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:26,940 No, rather, in world culture. 749 00:46:28,050 --> 00:46:29,380 That's why you can go to any country 750 00:46:30,150 --> 00:46:31,510 from anywhere on the planet 751 00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:34,820 and people will recognize you like a complete idiot. 752 00:46:35,590 --> 00:46:37,090 Congratulations, David. 753 00:46:40,860 --> 00:46:42,890 Thanks, Jerry. 754 00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:50,330 Whitney Cummings is ours next rising star... 755 00:46:51,530 --> 00:46:53,800 Because this business It's run by assholes. 756 00:46:55,610 --> 00:46:57,770 She is a feisty girl with a lot of sperm... 757 00:46:58,340 --> 00:46:59,240 On his neck. 758 00:47:01,850 --> 00:47:03,610 Please welcome to Whitney Cummings. 759 00:47:07,020 --> 00:47:09,180 Thank you. Thank you. 760 00:47:10,490 --> 00:47:12,590 Hello beautiful. Very excited. Thank you. 761 00:47:13,220 --> 00:47:15,220 Thank you. Wow. 762 00:47:16,630 --> 00:47:19,860 Keep watching the fake Trey Parker, people. (NdT: Creator of South Park) 763 00:47:23,530 --> 00:47:26,040 David Hasselhoff, George Hamilton, Hulk Hogan... 764 00:47:27,300 --> 00:47:28,840 I think that we have learned something tonight 765 00:47:28,910 --> 00:47:30,940 is that the self-tanner makes you disappointed 766 00:47:31,810 --> 00:47:33,980 in the entertainment business. 767 00:47:35,180 --> 00:47:36,750 look at all these idiots they attracted. 768 00:47:36,810 --> 00:47:38,280 Lisa Lampanelli, Pamela Anderson... 769 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:40,080 You two 770 00:47:40,150 --> 00:47:42,790 you are like the brotherhood of rubbed pussies! 771 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:48,260 Jeff Ross, what was that thing in the swimsuit? 772 00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:49,890 You are unpleasant. 773 00:47:50,630 --> 00:47:52,260 Your cock in a swimsuit 774 00:47:52,330 --> 00:47:54,060 It's like a trapped hamster in a ball of water. 775 00:47:55,010 --> 00:47:56,350 George Hamilton is here. Well, whatever. 776 00:47:57,650 --> 00:47:59,420 George, you are so dark I think you're Mexican. 777 00:48:00,620 --> 00:48:03,620 The only difference is that Mexicans work. 778 00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:10,960 Here's Lisa Lampanelli, so funny. 779 00:48:13,470 --> 00:48:17,510 Lisa, you look like Susan. Boyle fucking Snooki. 780 00:48:21,710 --> 00:48:24,450 Lisa, your vagina is like a bad movie. 781 00:48:25,090 --> 00:48:26,250 Fully open 782 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,190 and they have been in it all the "Wayans Brothers". 783 00:48:32,790 --> 00:48:34,260 Talking among ourselves, we know that you are bald, 784 00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:37,360 Take off your handkerchief now. 785 00:48:38,060 --> 00:48:39,330 Here's Hulk Hogan. 786 00:48:39,970 --> 00:48:41,730 You are a disaster. 787 00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,140 You always wear those spandex things covering your crotch. 788 00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:45,940 You have less sperm in your eggs 789 00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:48,740 the one Pamela has in your mouth right now. 790 00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,080 Pamela, your vagina is like a M. Night Shyamalan film. 791 00:48:57,250 --> 00:48:58,620 Everything was ten years ago the world wanted to see it. 792 00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:02,320 Now when they see her, they come out and say: 793 00:49:03,090 --> 00:49:04,390 What the hell was that? 794 00:49:05,060 --> 00:49:06,930 Was it an alien? 795 00:49:09,730 --> 00:49:10,660 Was he dead? 796 00:49:11,870 --> 00:49:14,670 What was Mark Wahlberg doing there? 797 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,460 All the jokes I told about Pamela, 798 00:49:20,530 --> 00:49:22,130 They also apply to your daughter. 799 00:49:24,930 --> 00:49:26,730 Okay, do you want to go get her? 800 00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:27,930 It's not worth it. 801 00:49:28,570 --> 00:49:29,840 You're right. 802 00:49:30,910 --> 00:49:32,440 And now for the man of the moment, 803 00:49:33,210 --> 00:49:34,270 ladies and gentlemen... 804 00:49:36,710 --> 00:49:38,910 David Hasselhoff's cock It's like a polaroid photo. 805 00:49:39,680 --> 00:49:40,610 Nobody uses it anymore 806 00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:44,480 and shaking it doesn't appear faster. 807 00:49:50,620 --> 00:49:52,020 And your music is obviously horrible. 808 00:49:53,460 --> 00:49:55,260 I actually tried to buy one of your songs on amazon.com 809 00:49:56,360 --> 00:49:57,500 and said: The clients who bought this product 810 00:49:58,270 --> 00:50:00,670 They also bought a shotgun. 811 00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:06,610 No, you're so understanding. 812 00:50:06,610 --> 00:50:08,310 Pam, you are so understanding. 813 00:50:08,380 --> 00:50:09,780 And thank you for allowing me to be here. 814 00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:11,880 It's been so much fun. And thank you very much. 815 00:50:13,610 --> 00:50:14,950 Very fun. Very fun. 816 00:50:18,220 --> 00:50:19,590 Thank you, thank you. 817 00:50:25,060 --> 00:50:28,890 They will not know our latest roaster: Greg Giraldo. 818 00:50:29,490 --> 00:50:30,830 Me neither. 819 00:50:32,030 --> 00:50:33,730 He is a renowned judge from "Last Comic Standing"... 820 00:50:35,070 --> 00:50:38,940 A program that in seven seasons It hasn't launched anyone's career. 821 00:50:40,810 --> 00:50:42,670 Please give a warm welcome 822 00:50:43,370 --> 00:50:45,280 to a very funny man, 823 00:50:46,610 --> 00:50:48,550 that without these "roast" I would die of hunger: 824 00:50:49,210 --> 00:50:50,380 Mr. Greg Giraldo. 825 00:50:53,020 --> 00:50:55,220 Thanks, buddy. Thank you. 826 00:50:55,950 --> 00:50:57,290 Thank you all. 827 00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,260 Donny Osmond, gentlemen! Wasn't that funny? 828 00:51:00,260 --> 00:51:02,360 What a fucking bore. Holy bitch! 829 00:51:06,140 --> 00:51:07,340 I love that character of Stewie from your show. 830 00:51:07,410 --> 00:51:08,640 It's fabulous. 831 00:51:08,710 --> 00:51:10,410 You've made all your money by creating 832 00:51:10,480 --> 00:51:11,850 a fucking criminal baby. 833 00:51:11,910 --> 00:51:12,980 You're like Michael Lohan. 834 00:51:13,620 --> 00:51:14,320 How... how... 835 00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:20,560 How is this scenario so cheesy? 836 00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,830 How is this scenario so cheesy? This is not a roast, it's a melt. 837 00:51:24,890 --> 00:51:26,560 Jerry Springer, George Hamilton... 838 00:51:26,630 --> 00:51:28,330 Look at these successful ones talentless jokes. 839 00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:30,600 The devil has signed so many pacts with you gentlemen, 840 00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:31,770 who has carpal tunnel syndrome. 841 00:51:34,270 --> 00:51:35,540 Pamela Anderson is here, people. 842 00:51:36,610 --> 00:51:37,970 I hope this is not Too direct, Pam. 843 00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:40,410 But God, I jerked off with you a lot. 844 00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:41,810 You have made me spill more seeds 845 00:51:42,910 --> 00:51:44,080 that Muhammad Ali in a bird feeder. 846 00:51:46,050 --> 00:51:49,080 Pam, you have... 847 00:51:50,820 --> 00:51:52,820 It's kind of a compliment, right? 848 00:51:52,890 --> 00:51:54,660 Bigmouth Jeff Ross is here. 849 00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:56,860 But what the fuck, Jeff? 850 00:51:56,930 --> 00:51:58,860 you were adorable with those underwear and everything. 851 00:51:58,930 --> 00:52:00,660 You looked like Andrew Says Gay. 852 00:52:01,700 --> 00:52:03,500 How much do you plan to gain? 853 00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:06,870 You are gaining weight faster of what you're getting older from. 854 00:52:06,940 --> 00:52:09,370 You're like The Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton. 855 00:52:10,040 --> 00:52:11,240 Bloated little writer... 856 00:52:12,410 --> 00:52:15,140 Your jokes are so old who know who George Hamilton is. 857 00:52:15,780 --> 00:52:17,010 George Hamilton! 858 00:52:17,010 --> 00:52:17,210 You look like a Tang. George Hamilton! 859 00:52:17,210 --> 00:52:18,650 You look like a Tang. 860 00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:20,220 You are dry and orange, 861 00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:22,280 and he doesn't give a shit about you no one since 1968. 862 00:52:25,420 --> 00:52:28,120 Hamilton, you look like a walking tumor. 863 00:52:29,460 --> 00:52:31,490 Not exactly... it's a problem when you detect a tumor. 864 00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:36,600 And of course it wouldn't be a roast. 865 00:52:36,670 --> 00:52:38,500 without "Pizza" Lampanelli, gentlemen. 866 00:52:38,570 --> 00:52:40,870 Lisa... Lampanelli. Me Good to see you, Lisa. 867 00:52:40,940 --> 00:52:43,840 I have never seen a before circus bear in pants 868 00:52:44,510 --> 00:52:45,310 And you know what? 869 00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:47,410 Lisa seems... 870 00:52:47,480 --> 00:52:48,910 It seems very safe but actually it is not. 871 00:52:49,580 --> 00:52:50,810 It's very sweet. 872 00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:52,480 He was telling me between racks that had a knot 873 00:52:52,550 --> 00:52:53,920 in their four stomachs. 874 00:52:53,980 --> 00:52:57,390 But you're... you're a fat girl. 875 00:52:58,190 --> 00:52:59,390 Have... 876 00:53:00,790 --> 00:53:02,290 You have more chin 877 00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:04,030 than a Chinese girl with a lot of chin. 878 00:53:05,130 --> 00:53:07,430 But how fat... 879 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:09,900 And her Shell Too! 880 00:53:09,970 --> 00:53:13,640 And speaking of fat pussies, Here is Hulk Hogan, gentlemen! 881 00:53:14,270 --> 00:53:15,400 What do you think? 882 00:53:15,470 --> 00:53:16,740 Hulk, people say you you are going bald. Bald? 883 00:53:18,210 --> 00:53:19,770 You are going bald from it so Jeff Ross is "getting fat." 884 00:53:21,040 --> 00:53:23,910 Hulk, I can't imagine because your wife left you. 885 00:53:25,050 --> 00:53:27,380 You are an old man who saw Like a Hooters waitress. 886 00:53:29,450 --> 00:53:32,450 Leave your shirt on, busty. 887 00:53:32,990 --> 00:53:34,390 You are 80 years old! 888 00:53:34,460 --> 00:53:36,860 You had a reality show called "Hogan Knows Best." 889 00:53:36,860 --> 00:53:36,890 should have been called "Hogan throws tits." You had a reality show called "Hogan Knows Best." 890 00:53:36,890 --> 00:53:38,390 should have been called "Hogan throws tits." 891 00:53:41,030 --> 00:53:43,400 Jerry Springer, good to see. that you crawled here today. 892 00:53:43,470 --> 00:53:45,200 Springer, cultural sodomite. 893 00:53:46,440 --> 00:53:48,200 You have done a "fist-fuck" to our civilization. (NdT: Sexual practice) 894 00:53:48,270 --> 00:53:49,970 like Gilbert's uncle on Valentine's Day. 895 00:53:51,910 --> 00:53:53,740 You were Bobby Kennedy's assistant, 896 00:53:53,810 --> 00:53:56,080 which probably explains your connection with Hasselhoff. 897 00:53:56,150 --> 00:53:57,750 I guess you like it be surrounded by people 898 00:53:57,810 --> 00:53:59,210 whose career ends on the floor of a hotel. 899 00:54:00,580 --> 00:54:01,880 You did it... it's a great joke, gentlemen. 900 00:54:02,720 --> 00:54:03,990 That's why we call it "roasting." 901 00:54:04,050 --> 00:54:06,220 Anyway I feel If evil has accumulated, 902 00:54:07,060 --> 00:54:08,520 but this is what we do here. 903 00:54:08,630 --> 00:54:10,100 And now 904 00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:11,460 with the happy hour man. 905 00:54:12,700 --> 00:54:14,300 One more round of applause for the Hoff, people. 906 00:54:14,930 --> 00:54:15,600 It's about time! 907 00:54:18,510 --> 00:54:20,410 David Hasselhoff, what a legend 908 00:54:20,470 --> 00:54:22,710 Hasselhoff sitting in a lifeguard chair 909 00:54:22,780 --> 00:54:24,040 because it is what characterizes you most. 910 00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:26,180 I guess when we roasted Pam 911 00:54:26,250 --> 00:54:27,710 should have been sitting on a cock. 912 00:54:31,320 --> 00:54:32,420 I'm sorry. 913 00:54:32,490 --> 00:54:34,020 That's a tuxedo. 914 00:54:34,090 --> 00:54:35,720 You look like Adam Lambert's partner for the prom. 915 00:54:35,790 --> 00:54:37,860 You are huge in Europe. 916 00:54:39,130 --> 00:54:40,790 You were even knighted by the queen of England. 917 00:54:40,860 --> 00:54:42,460 He named you, "liver knight." 918 00:54:43,930 --> 00:54:47,270 Hasselhoff, Have you ever Aren't you drunk? 919 00:54:48,740 --> 00:54:50,800 You used to have a car that It started when you talked to it. 920 00:54:50,870 --> 00:54:53,410 Now you have a car that doesn't It wants to start when you blow on it. 921 00:54:55,140 --> 00:54:56,680 You are so drunk, that when alcohol makes the statement 922 00:54:57,510 --> 00:54:58,640 It makes you dependent. 923 00:55:01,150 --> 00:55:02,880 You are... you are... 924 00:55:03,820 --> 00:55:05,620 Yeah! 925 00:55:07,020 --> 00:55:08,590 You have starred in Jekyll and Hyde on Broadway. 926 00:55:09,720 --> 00:55:10,990 Give him a round of applause for that. 927 00:55:11,060 --> 00:55:12,560 An excellent performance. 928 00:55:12,630 --> 00:55:13,890 You played a normal guy 929 00:55:14,590 --> 00:55:15,900 that when you drink something 930 00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,930 becomes a furious and abusive asshole. 931 00:55:19,670 --> 00:55:21,300 Impressive record. 932 00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:25,270 Maybe for your next big leap, you can take 933 00:55:25,340 --> 00:55:27,240 the furious part drunk hamburger eater. 934 00:55:29,140 --> 00:55:30,710 Hasselhoff, fuck you, drunk. 935 00:55:33,380 --> 00:55:34,250 You drink a lot, right? 936 00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:38,880 Your liver is so shriveled, black and dead, 937 00:55:40,190 --> 00:55:42,290 that if you close your ear you can hear: 938 00:55:42,360 --> 00:55:43,490 "What are you talking about, Willis?" (NdT: Gary Coleman's phrase in "Arnold") 939 00:55:44,820 --> 00:55:46,690 Your liver... 940 00:55:48,160 --> 00:55:50,360 Oh my god. 941 00:55:51,700 --> 00:55:53,230 Hasselhoff, you are a good guy, a good father. 942 00:55:54,500 --> 00:55:56,100 Congratulations for being digging here tonight. 943 00:55:56,170 --> 00:55:57,670 I know you've swallowed a lot of shit 944 00:55:57,740 --> 00:55:59,000 but you're not going to remember any of this. 945 00:55:59,070 --> 00:56:00,210 Let's face it, you probably won't. 946 00:56:00,710 --> 00:56:01,540 Thank you. 947 00:56:04,310 --> 00:56:06,480 Wow! 948 00:56:15,730 --> 00:56:17,230 He is one of the most controversial figures 949 00:56:17,300 --> 00:56:18,870 and vilified history of humanity. 950 00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,900 His road to infamy began storming the beaches 951 00:56:23,370 --> 00:56:26,080 with an army of followers blonde, blue-eyed and brainless. 952 00:56:27,340 --> 00:56:29,880 At the height of his powers, thousands of germans 953 00:56:29,950 --> 00:56:31,550 They gathered to listen to him standing behind a microphone. 954 00:56:32,720 --> 00:56:35,450 utter their hateful and crazy squawks. 955 00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:39,050 But soon it was like a vat, failed and dejected. 956 00:56:40,260 --> 00:56:41,590 And as I lay in the floor of his bunker, 957 00:56:42,330 --> 00:56:43,490 eating his last supper, 958 00:56:44,730 --> 00:56:47,100 promised that one day would rise again... 959 00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:49,330 And then he fell again... 960 00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:50,730 And then he vomited and got up again... 961 00:56:52,940 --> 00:56:54,600 Tonight he returns to stand up to his accusers, 962 00:56:55,770 --> 00:56:58,040 take out your dick at the after party 963 00:56:58,110 --> 00:57:00,740 and finally complete his master plan... 964 00:57:01,510 --> 00:57:02,380 invade Pamela Anderson. 965 00:57:03,510 --> 00:57:04,810 Ladies and gentlemen, rise and salute 966 00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:08,920 to the next world dominator... David Hasselhoff! 967 00:57:29,910 --> 00:57:30,570 Wow! 968 00:57:33,810 --> 00:57:34,310 Wow! 969 00:57:37,850 --> 00:57:39,050 I'm exhausted! 970 00:57:41,120 --> 00:57:42,620 What a night! 971 00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:45,220 It's really amazing. 972 00:57:45,660 --> 00:57:47,090 I... 973 00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:49,190 I sincerely want to thank you everyone to come 974 00:57:49,930 --> 00:57:51,260 and waste a little time 975 00:57:51,330 --> 00:57:53,060 with a loner, failed and pathetic drunk... 976 00:57:53,660 --> 00:57:54,760 Greg Giraldo. 977 00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:00,700 But look what we have here. 978 00:58:00,770 --> 00:58:03,470 Jerry Springer, Hulk Hogan, George Hamilton... 979 00:58:04,670 --> 00:58:06,340 and Gilbert Gottfried. 980 00:58:06,410 --> 00:58:08,310 If a shock were to hit the stage tonight, 981 00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:09,980 the world would lose... 982 00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:11,080 a bomb 983 00:58:17,720 --> 00:58:21,390 First of all, thank you not to sing, Seth MacFarlane. 984 00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:26,430 And thanks for not making any jokes. 985 00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:30,970 I've heard rumors that you like to drink, 986 00:58:32,030 --> 00:58:33,670 sometimes maybe too much. 987 00:58:34,400 --> 00:58:35,170 Be careful, Seth, 988 00:58:36,210 --> 00:58:37,740 You don't want to end up like me... 989 00:58:37,810 --> 00:58:40,110 Tall, handsome, rich and famous all over the world. 990 00:58:48,820 --> 00:58:50,050 The people always He asks me if I had sex 991 00:58:50,120 --> 00:58:51,620 with some of the women from Baywatch. 992 00:58:51,690 --> 00:58:55,620 Let's say Germany is not in the only thing that I am great. 993 00:58:57,930 --> 00:58:59,090 Because I am The Hoff, 994 00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:02,160 international star cinema and theater... 995 00:59:02,500 --> 00:59:03,200 and youtube. 996 00:59:06,470 --> 00:59:08,440 And Pamela Anderson, my great friend... 997 00:59:08,500 --> 00:59:10,070 - Pammy, you look beautiful. - Thank you. 998 00:59:11,640 --> 00:59:13,940 I know that since The Watchers the beach, we take different directions. 999 00:59:14,010 --> 00:59:15,240 - Yeah. - Something like your nipples. 1000 00:59:18,750 --> 00:59:19,380 Oh God. 1001 00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:21,480 But it looks great. 1002 00:59:21,550 --> 00:59:23,390 You can still see her running on the beach every day... 1003 00:59:23,450 --> 00:59:24,220 of bill collectors. 1004 00:59:26,060 --> 00:59:27,390 And I have to say that It is an honor for me 1005 00:59:28,530 --> 00:59:30,190 May the great George Hamilton be here. 1006 00:59:30,260 --> 00:59:31,360 He is an inspiration! 1007 00:59:32,130 --> 00:59:33,260 When I see him I think: 1008 00:59:33,330 --> 00:59:35,960 Man, I hope I look this good in 200 years. 1009 00:59:38,800 --> 00:59:39,600 And Jerry Springer... 1010 00:59:40,670 --> 00:59:41,840 Although we have worked together, 1011 00:59:41,910 --> 00:59:44,370 I've only seen your show once. 1012 00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:46,940 There was nothing more than Disgusting white trash. 1013 00:59:48,140 --> 00:59:49,480 Oh no, wait a minute, That was Pamela's porn video. 1014 00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,750 Hulk Hogan, thank you. Thank you for doing this, sir. 1015 00:59:57,420 --> 00:59:59,120 You are a legend. 1016 00:59:59,190 --> 01:00:01,390 Hulk has been fighting for more than three decades... 1017 01:00:02,090 --> 01:00:03,090 with his sexuality. 1018 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,030 And he will tell you, 1019 01:00:10,100 --> 01:00:11,600 that the most difficult thing win the championship belt 1020 01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:13,570 is to find matching shoes. 1021 01:00:21,780 --> 01:00:23,880 And Gilbert Gottfried! 1022 01:00:23,950 --> 01:00:25,850 Oh God, you could be my twin brother, 1023 01:00:26,650 --> 01:00:27,580 If I had a twin brother... 1024 01:00:28,350 --> 01:00:29,280 and would have died in the womb. 1025 01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:37,160 Miss Lampanelli, I'm going to tell you something 1026 01:00:37,990 --> 01:00:40,030 that no one has ever said... 1027 01:00:40,830 --> 01:00:41,960 Have you been exercising? 1028 01:00:46,940 --> 01:00:48,070 Enough of you and let's go more with me. 1029 01:00:49,140 --> 01:00:50,440 Now, thanks to me... 1030 01:00:50,510 --> 01:00:52,140 Sorry, David. 1031 01:00:52,210 --> 01:00:54,240 Oh my god. 1032 01:00:54,310 --> 01:00:56,240 - Is that Kitt? - No, I'm OnStar. 1033 01:00:57,310 --> 01:00:58,480 Do you need your ambulance again? 1034 01:00:59,780 --> 01:01:01,880 Of course it's me, idiot liqueur in blister. 1035 01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:04,850 Oh my god. It's you, Kitt! 1036 01:01:04,920 --> 01:01:06,290 I thought you were just a prop. 1037 01:01:06,360 --> 01:01:08,390 I haven't seen you since last bachelor party. 1038 01:01:09,330 --> 01:01:11,330 Yes, the bachelor party. 1039 01:01:11,390 --> 01:01:13,460 I finally managed to remove the foul smell of your vomit 1040 01:01:14,230 --> 01:01:15,500 from my front seat... 1041 01:01:16,500 --> 01:01:18,230 and rear... 1042 01:01:18,300 --> 01:01:19,600 and from my glove compartment... 1043 01:01:20,240 --> 01:01:21,640 tape player... 1044 01:01:21,870 --> 01:01:22,770 garage. 1045 01:01:23,540 --> 01:01:25,040 What a night that was. 1046 01:01:25,110 --> 01:01:26,840 Don't worry, the vomit dried up, 1047 01:01:27,580 --> 01:01:28,480 just like your career. 1048 01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:31,350 Geez, Kitt, I'd love to talk 1049 01:01:31,410 --> 01:01:33,210 but I'm with the "roast" right now. 1050 01:01:33,280 --> 01:01:34,620 David, oh, David... 1051 01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:37,050 How can you allow Do these people make fun of you? 1052 01:01:37,120 --> 01:01:39,090 - What are you talking about? - You are so talented. 1053 01:01:39,150 --> 01:01:40,790 You have so much to give. 1054 01:01:40,860 --> 01:01:42,820 Are you ever going to straighten out your life? 1055 01:01:42,890 --> 01:01:44,190 Will there ever be a time 1056 01:01:44,260 --> 01:01:46,660 where I don't feel ashamed of you? 1057 01:01:47,030 --> 01:01:48,130 Yeah. 1058 01:01:48,200 --> 01:01:49,800 When, David? When? 1059 01:01:50,630 --> 01:01:52,470 Well, this is the time. 1060 01:01:52,540 --> 01:01:54,300 That? 1061 01:01:56,670 --> 01:01:58,110 This is the moment 1062 01:01:58,170 --> 01:01:59,470 Oh God, David, not now. 1063 01:02:00,310 --> 01:02:01,810 this is the day 1064 01:02:01,880 --> 01:02:03,710 ¡Por favor, Hoff, no cantes! 1065 01:02:04,550 --> 01:02:05,750 I send my demons 1066 01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:09,220 and cheeseburgers on their way 1067 01:02:09,990 --> 01:02:10,890 Voy a vomitar. 1068 01:02:11,690 --> 01:02:13,290 every endeavor 1069 01:02:14,090 --> 01:02:16,990 have made ever 1070 01:02:17,860 --> 01:02:20,830 is coming into play 1071 01:02:21,760 --> 01:02:25,600 it's here and now today 1072 01:02:28,140 --> 01:02:30,210 this is the moment 1073 01:02:31,040 --> 01:02:33,440 damn all the odds 1074 01:02:34,280 --> 01:02:35,380 this day or never 1075 01:02:36,550 --> 01:02:40,920 I'll sit together with the gods 1076 01:02:41,720 --> 01:02:44,420 when I look back 1077 01:02:45,290 --> 01:02:47,990 I will always recall 1078 01:02:48,830 --> 01:02:51,230 moment for moment 1079 01:02:52,100 --> 01:02:54,800 this was the moment 1080 01:02:55,660 --> 01:02:57,500 the greatest moment 1081 01:02:58,170 --> 01:03:00,170 of them 1082 01:03:00,770 --> 01:03:07,910 all 1083 01:03:18,190 --> 01:03:22,060 Remember, sometimes life It gives you a touch of attention. 1084 01:03:23,360 --> 01:03:26,160 It is the speed with which you get up, don't take as long as you fall. 1085 01:03:27,330 --> 01:03:29,830 Now... Do you want to eat partying with The Hoff? 1086 01:03:32,500 --> 01:03:33,900 Let's go party! 1087 01:03:33,970 --> 01:03:35,340 Thank you all for coming. 1088 01:03:35,410 --> 01:03:37,040 Thanks to everyone!