1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:05,641 --> 00:00:07,389 Here. This is for you. 2 00:00:10,115 --> 00:00:11,827 Thank you. 3 00:00:12,456 --> 00:00:14,870 And I didn't get you anything. 4 00:00:16,010 --> 00:00:17,389 It's your kid's toilet seat. 5 00:00:17,557 --> 00:00:20,233 It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it. 6 00:00:21,404 --> 00:00:22,866 Oh, come on, Berta. 7 00:00:23,035 --> 00:00:25,366 - He's 11. - He's a pig. 8 00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:27,084 I'll talk to him. 9 00:00:27,257 --> 00:00:29,339 While you're at it, you may wanna mention... 10 00:00:29,515 --> 00:00:31,846 ...the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest... 11 00:00:32,024 --> 00:00:33,772 ...the dead marine life at the back of the closet... 12 00:00:33,947 --> 00:00:36,242 ...and the booger collection under the bed. 13 00:00:36,414 --> 00:00:38,459 I'll do my best to address your concerns. 14 00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:41,758 Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean. 15 00:00:43,606 --> 00:00:45,520 Excuse me. Is one of you Alan? 16 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,634 I'm Alan. 17 00:00:54,059 --> 00:00:56,603 Oh, good. Charlie wants you to come upstairs. 18 00:00:57,069 --> 00:01:01,159 - Why? - Well, it's kind of hard to explain. 19 00:01:01,334 --> 00:01:04,092 - Try. - Oh, yeah, try. 20 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,427 Well, he's kind of stuck. 21 00:01:09,989 --> 00:01:11,320 - In what? - In what? 22 00:01:11,912 --> 00:01:14,873 Not in anything, just stuck. 23 00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:17,469 Would you hurry? 24 00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:23,861 - Where are you going? - Oh, like I'm gonna miss this? 25 00:01:28,804 --> 00:01:31,051 Charlie? Are you okay? 26 00:01:31,229 --> 00:01:34,523 Do I look okay? 27 00:01:34,699 --> 00:01:39,539 - What happened? - I pulled my back. 28 00:01:39,717 --> 00:01:42,844 I didn't do anything. I was lying there and he started screaming. 29 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,981 - I understand. - I mean, I wasn't just lying there. 30 00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:49,367 - I got it. - Damn, I wish I had a camera. 31 00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:52,504 That's okay. It's all on video. 32 00:02:04,678 --> 00:02:07,889 Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something. 33 00:02:08,399 --> 00:02:10,361 Really? You want my help? 34 00:02:10,532 --> 00:02:13,374 Even after you referred to my profession as, what was it... 35 00:02:13,542 --> 00:02:15,206 ..."urban voodoo"? 36 00:02:16,176 --> 00:02:18,423 I'm sorry. Now help me. 37 00:02:18,601 --> 00:02:20,599 Okay. Okay. We'll see what we can do. 38 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,915 Yeah, yeah, okay, very funny, very funny. 39 00:02:28,092 --> 00:02:30,768 Hold on. Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster. 40 00:02:31,437 --> 00:02:33,149 Check your kid's room. 41 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,829 Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're not feeling well, but I have an audition. 42 00:02:36,998 --> 00:02:40,340 - Go. - It's a Wheat Thins commercial. 43 00:02:40,845 --> 00:02:43,937 - I'm an actress. - Of course you are. 44 00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:46,065 I had a nice time, Charlie. 45 00:02:46,698 --> 00:02:48,327 - I'll call you. - Great. 46 00:02:48,496 --> 00:02:50,577 Oh, if you find my tongue stud, let me know. 47 00:02:53,305 --> 00:02:55,516 Okay, let's see what we've got here. 48 00:02:56,190 --> 00:02:58,687 - Is this tender? - A little. 49 00:02:58,865 --> 00:03:01,743 - On a scale of one to ten? - I don't know. Three? 50 00:03:01,918 --> 00:03:05,010 - Okay, what about this? - Four. 51 00:03:05,179 --> 00:03:07,510 And what about this? 52 00:03:09,527 --> 00:03:11,775 I'm gonna need a number, Charlie. 53 00:03:12,329 --> 00:03:14,576 No, no, I changed my mind. Leave me alone. 54 00:03:14,754 --> 00:03:16,882 Oh, don't be a baby. 55 00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:19,051 - Stay away. - I have to examine you. 56 00:03:19,228 --> 00:03:21,522 - It's okay. I'm better. - No, you're not. 57 00:03:21,694 --> 00:03:24,703 - Now, stop moving. - Really, I'm fine. Just don't... 58 00:03:27,632 --> 00:03:31,473 Ten. Ten. That's a ten. 59 00:03:31,896 --> 00:03:34,905 - Are you happy? - Do I look happy? 60 00:03:35,492 --> 00:03:38,168 Let's get you back on the bed so I can give you an adjustment. 61 00:03:38,335 --> 00:03:39,667 No, no, no, no. New plan. 62 00:03:39,841 --> 00:03:41,803 I need someone who can give me drugs. 63 00:03:41,973 --> 00:03:44,981 I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls. 64 00:03:45,151 --> 00:03:46,863 Drugs just mask the problem. 65 00:03:47,032 --> 00:03:50,374 Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. 66 00:03:50,544 --> 00:03:52,458 I just want it to go away. 67 00:03:52,635 --> 00:03:56,309 Good news. I think I know where Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud. 68 00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:03,421 For the love of God. 69 00:04:04,593 --> 00:04:07,720 Oh, mommy. 70 00:04:11,199 --> 00:04:12,863 Feeling better? 71 00:04:13,081 --> 00:04:16,042 No, I just passed out for a second. 72 00:04:18,014 --> 00:04:20,096 Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie to the doctor. 73 00:04:20,272 --> 00:04:22,603 - You keep an eye on Jake. - Fine. 74 00:04:22,781 --> 00:04:24,493 Whoa, hey. 75 00:04:24,662 --> 00:04:26,874 And please put his toilet seat back on. 76 00:04:31,561 --> 00:04:33,892 I really think you should put on your seat belt. 77 00:04:34,237 --> 00:04:36,365 Do you now? 78 00:04:36,704 --> 00:04:40,581 Did you forget it took three of us just to put on my shorts? 79 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,434 Suit yourself. I should call your doctor and tell him we're coming. 80 00:04:44,606 --> 00:04:46,937 - What's his number? - I don't know. 81 00:04:47,115 --> 00:04:51,919 All right, I'll call directory assistance. What's his name? Where's he located? 82 00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:54,670 Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills. 83 00:04:55,645 --> 00:04:59,652 - You're kidding, right? - Do I look like I'm kidding? 84 00:05:00,453 --> 00:05:02,081 Well, I need a first name. 85 00:05:04,550 --> 00:05:08,427 I remember his receptionist's name. Julie. 86 00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:11,282 Cute redhead with a slight speech impediment. 87 00:05:11,449 --> 00:05:13,363 She called me "Charlie." 88 00:05:16,007 --> 00:05:17,671 I almost asked her out once... 89 00:05:17,846 --> 00:05:20,224 ...but I couldn't face the inevitable phone calls. 90 00:05:20,397 --> 00:05:24,356 "I love you, Charlie. Don't leave me." 91 00:05:24,913 --> 00:05:28,754 Yeah, yeah, and your doctor's first name is? 92 00:05:30,223 --> 00:05:31,637 Oh, I have no idea. 93 00:05:32,857 --> 00:05:34,653 Idiot. 94 00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:38,532 Yes, Beverly Hills, California. 95 00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:40,838 Dr. Schwartz. 96 00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:43,257 Yeah, I don't know the first name. 97 00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:45,897 No, I'm not kidding. 98 00:05:47,365 --> 00:05:50,493 There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes in Beverly Hills. 99 00:05:50,668 --> 00:05:52,214 What street is he on? 100 00:05:52,383 --> 00:05:54,214 Wilshire Boulevard, I think. 101 00:05:54,390 --> 00:05:57,184 Wilshire Boulevard, we think. 102 00:05:57,944 --> 00:06:00,488 Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes. 103 00:06:01,121 --> 00:06:04,879 Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire. I'll know the building when I see it. 104 00:06:05,051 --> 00:06:06,597 Never mind, we're gonna play... 105 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:08,847 ...Find the Jewish Doctor in Beverly Hills. 106 00:06:09,651 --> 00:06:11,029 Wait, wait. There it is. 107 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,631 Now, you see, that wouldn't have happened... 108 00:06:18,807 --> 00:06:21,055 ...if you'd been wearing your seat belt. 109 00:06:21,525 --> 00:06:23,856 Alan, if I can ever use my legs again... 110 00:06:24,034 --> 00:06:28,457 ...the first thing I'm gonna do is kick your ass into your throat. 111 00:06:36,535 --> 00:06:38,783 That's not Julie. 112 00:06:40,424 --> 00:06:44,383 - So? - It's just important to me that you know. 113 00:06:45,065 --> 00:06:47,823 - Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper. 114 00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:50,620 - I need to see my doctor. - Do you have an appointment? 115 00:06:50,793 --> 00:06:52,207 No, but this is an emergency. 116 00:06:52,382 --> 00:06:55,058 He has to get back to Notre Dame and ring the bell. 117 00:06:56,647 --> 00:07:00,524 Oh, I get it. He's hunched over. That's funny. 118 00:07:02,249 --> 00:07:04,378 Yeah, can I see my doctor, please? 119 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,261 - Who's your doctor? - Dr. Schwartz. 120 00:07:06,431 --> 00:07:08,309 - Stanley Schwartz? - Yes, Stanley. 121 00:07:08,479 --> 00:07:10,893 - It's Stanley. - Thank you. 122 00:07:11,072 --> 00:07:13,069 When was the last time you were here? 123 00:07:13,288 --> 00:07:15,964 I don't know. A couple of years ago. Why? 124 00:07:16,382 --> 00:07:20,936 - Dr. Schwartz passed away. - Oh, no. 125 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,652 So where's Julie? 126 00:07:23,531 --> 00:07:25,077 Julie we had to let go. 127 00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:29,669 She was playing a little fast and loose with the old prescription pad. 128 00:07:31,308 --> 00:07:34,186 I'm guessing Valium. 129 00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,654 Is there somebody else who can see him? 130 00:07:37,831 --> 00:07:40,043 Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor, okay? 131 00:07:40,214 --> 00:07:42,545 Dr. Talmadge took over Dr. Schwartz's practice. 132 00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:45,481 It's a little tight right now, but I could squeeze you in. 133 00:07:46,110 --> 00:07:48,273 That's kind of how this happened. 134 00:07:48,953 --> 00:07:52,246 Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury. 135 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,562 Well, thank goodness you're okay. 136 00:08:08,562 --> 00:08:11,356 This is really gross. Why do I have to do it? 137 00:08:11,531 --> 00:08:13,528 - You want your toilet seat back? - Yes. 138 00:08:13,705 --> 00:08:15,833 Then keep scrubbing. 139 00:08:16,883 --> 00:08:20,557 You know, taking it wasn't funny. I could have broke my butt. 140 00:08:20,729 --> 00:08:22,858 Oh, come on. How could that not be funny? 141 00:08:25,370 --> 00:08:28,962 Don't forget to clean on the outside. That's all you. 142 00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:32,809 - And the floor, and the wall. - Okay, okay. 143 00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:35,227 How in the hell did you hit the wall anyway? 144 00:08:35,405 --> 00:08:38,747 I don't know, it just gets away from me sometimes. 145 00:08:40,213 --> 00:08:41,795 After a day scrubbing toilets... 146 00:08:41,969 --> 00:08:46,060 ...I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces. 147 00:08:47,196 --> 00:08:49,110 Oh, God. 148 00:08:49,286 --> 00:08:51,498 Oh, jeez. 149 00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:53,001 Hey, guess what. 150 00:08:53,175 --> 00:08:56,267 The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics. 151 00:09:02,290 --> 00:09:04,621 My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it? 152 00:09:04,798 --> 00:09:07,641 I offered to help you, Charlie, and you refused, so... 153 00:09:07,809 --> 00:09:08,891 ...yeah. 154 00:09:10,485 --> 00:09:13,659 I'll tell you, if you came to me as a patient in this much pain... 155 00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:16,327 ...I wouldn't make you wait. I'd see you right away. 156 00:09:16,506 --> 00:09:19,966 So would my dry cleaner, but I don't let him touch me either. 157 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,641 I could help you, Charlie. 158 00:09:21,816 --> 00:09:24,313 I've already isolated the source of your discomfort. 159 00:09:24,492 --> 00:09:26,989 All that's left would be to realign your vertebrae... 160 00:09:27,168 --> 00:09:29,379 ...through a gentle series of manipulations and stretches... 161 00:09:29,551 --> 00:09:31,132 ...thereby alleviating your pain. 162 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:36,617 Well, you didn't explain it like that. That's different. 163 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,543 - So you'll let me work on you? - Not in a million years. 164 00:09:41,174 --> 00:09:44,552 Fine. Worship at the altar of the American Medical Association. 165 00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:47,356 Swallow the pharmaceutical companies' propaganda. 166 00:09:47,530 --> 00:09:51,121 I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it, I'll insert it rectally. 167 00:09:52,923 --> 00:09:55,551 Anything to kill the pain. I'm dying here. 168 00:09:56,352 --> 00:09:58,230 Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge. 169 00:09:58,401 --> 00:10:00,898 Hello, doctor. 170 00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:05,671 Hallelujah. It's a miracle. 171 00:10:10,024 --> 00:10:11,856 So I see you're having some back pain. 172 00:10:12,324 --> 00:10:14,952 That will be $ 100, please. 173 00:10:16,798 --> 00:10:18,712 Yeah, it started in my back... 174 00:10:18,888 --> 00:10:23,146 ...but now it's kind of radiating out into a body-wide unbearable agony. 175 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,245 You have a really cute little nose, you know that? 176 00:10:27,041 --> 00:10:29,884 - Did the pain start in your lower back? - Best I can tell... 177 00:10:30,052 --> 00:10:31,848 ...it's a spasm between L4 and L5. 178 00:10:32,017 --> 00:10:34,311 - Oh, are you a doctor? - Yes, I'm a chiropractor. 179 00:10:34,484 --> 00:10:36,446 So no. 180 00:10:38,916 --> 00:10:40,295 How did this happen? 181 00:10:40,463 --> 00:10:42,960 Well, I slipped. 182 00:10:43,181 --> 00:10:45,262 On an actress. 183 00:10:46,233 --> 00:10:48,195 I can handle this, Alan. 184 00:10:48,365 --> 00:10:50,696 Okay, see, the thing is, I was in the middle of... 185 00:10:50,874 --> 00:10:52,502 An actress. 186 00:10:53,299 --> 00:10:54,761 I'm warning you. 187 00:10:54,930 --> 00:10:58,188 - Do the details really matter? - No, no, I think I got the picture. 188 00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,772 There's video if you need it. 189 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:02,951 Keep it up. 190 00:11:03,501 --> 00:11:05,998 Okay, I see here your last visit was four years ago. 191 00:11:06,177 --> 00:11:08,174 A mild hernia brought about by... 192 00:11:08,351 --> 00:11:10,349 Okay. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. 193 00:11:11,612 --> 00:11:14,537 He's a sexual compulsive with narcissistic tendencies. 194 00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:17,001 Oh, so you're a pretend psychiatrist too. 195 00:11:20,811 --> 00:11:22,808 So, what's the course of treatment here? 196 00:11:22,985 --> 00:11:25,696 A pill, a shot? Maybe one of those epidurals? 197 00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:28,712 First I'm going to get your blood pressure and take x-rays. 198 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,722 - I take blood pressure and x-rays. - Your mother must be very proud. 199 00:11:33,354 --> 00:11:35,352 Actually, no. 200 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,741 Someone will be in to take you to x-ray. 201 00:11:37,912 --> 00:11:39,826 Wait. I'm still in pain. 202 00:11:40,169 --> 00:11:42,131 Try and hang in there. In the meantime... 203 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,680 ...maybe your little buddy can give you a massage. 204 00:11:47,779 --> 00:11:51,656 - Can you believe her? - Yeah, she is something else. 205 00:11:51,835 --> 00:11:54,677 Please don't tell me you're interested in that condescending... 206 00:11:54,845 --> 00:11:56,427 ...arrogant excuse for a woman. 207 00:11:56,601 --> 00:11:59,015 Pardon me, Alan, but that is a condescending... 208 00:11:59,194 --> 00:12:01,870 ...arrogant, hot excuse for a woman. 209 00:12:02,037 --> 00:12:05,331 She's just your typical obnoxious MD. 210 00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,588 I'm a doctor. I have special license plates. 211 00:12:07,765 --> 00:12:10,309 I can park wherever I want. 212 00:12:11,403 --> 00:12:13,816 I know where I wanna park. 213 00:12:14,413 --> 00:12:17,089 You're unbelievable. Does your penis have an off switch? 214 00:12:18,134 --> 00:12:19,597 A pause button? 215 00:12:19,765 --> 00:12:22,309 No, just a little freckle. 216 00:12:23,444 --> 00:12:26,156 You're always telling me I should date a better class of woman. 217 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:27,792 What's classier than a doctor? 218 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,670 Oh, please. Four years of med school, two years of internship... 219 00:12:31,848 --> 00:12:35,772 ...a year of residency, and everybody thinks they're so special. 220 00:12:35,946 --> 00:12:38,324 But I'll tell you something. A new day is dawning. 221 00:12:38,496 --> 00:12:42,171 A day of reckoning. And it is spelled HMO. 222 00:12:44,350 --> 00:12:47,477 No more country clubs. No more Cadillacs. 223 00:12:47,653 --> 00:12:52,291 Just sky-high insurance premiums and low, slow, copay reimbursements. 224 00:12:52,461 --> 00:12:55,553 Just like the rest of us. 225 00:12:56,141 --> 00:12:59,018 I'll bet she knows a lot of secret anatomy stuff. 226 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:04,038 You know, places you touch and the top of your head flies off. 227 00:13:05,757 --> 00:13:08,801 If you have sex with a doctor, there's a chance they'll split... 228 00:13:08,977 --> 00:13:11,271 ...in the middle of the night for an emergency. 229 00:13:11,444 --> 00:13:13,572 Well, that's just a price you'll have to pay. 230 00:13:13,743 --> 00:13:16,371 No, no. That works for me. 231 00:13:18,761 --> 00:13:21,222 Okay, I finished the toilet, the shower... 232 00:13:21,395 --> 00:13:24,487 ...and the sink. - What took you so long? 233 00:13:24,656 --> 00:13:27,784 I went to the bathroom, and I had to start over. 234 00:13:29,088 --> 00:13:31,419 Take these, and get started on the kitchen floor. 235 00:13:31,597 --> 00:13:33,641 Why? I didn't pee in here. 236 00:13:35,736 --> 00:13:37,400 Okay, once, but it was in the sink. 237 00:13:38,997 --> 00:13:41,161 The sink? How'd you manage that? 238 00:13:41,339 --> 00:13:44,847 It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back... 239 00:13:45,018 --> 00:13:46,814 ...and figure the angle. 240 00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:53,460 So tell me about Dr. Talmadge. 241 00:13:53,631 --> 00:13:56,593 - Is she seeing anybody? - Yes. 242 00:13:56,767 --> 00:14:00,025 - Is it serious? - Dog bite. 243 00:14:00,781 --> 00:14:02,945 - No, I mean... - Charlie, give it a rest. 244 00:14:03,123 --> 00:14:04,537 What? 245 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:07,970 You're sitting here in pain because of a casual sexual encounter... 246 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:10,434 ...and now you're trying to drum up another one. 247 00:14:11,568 --> 00:14:14,910 - Yeah, so? - Don't you get it? 248 00:14:15,081 --> 00:14:16,876 Your entire life is about jumping... 249 00:14:17,046 --> 00:14:19,970 ...from one shallow, meaningless relationship to the next. 250 00:14:20,809 --> 00:14:22,307 And? 251 00:14:22,941 --> 00:14:25,403 You're a grown man. You can't go through life... 252 00:14:25,575 --> 00:14:29,083 ...drinking and partying and humping anything that doesn't shake you off. 253 00:14:29,631 --> 00:14:31,878 Yes, I can. 254 00:14:32,056 --> 00:14:34,303 But sooner or later, it's gonna catch up to you. 255 00:14:34,481 --> 00:14:36,526 Eventually, you will have to pay the piper. 256 00:14:36,697 --> 00:14:38,742 - Who says? - Everybody says. 257 00:14:38,913 --> 00:14:41,041 Really? Because I'm just hearing you. 258 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,883 If 2000 years of human history has taught us anything... 259 00:14:45,059 --> 00:14:47,557 ...it's that there is karmic justice in the world... 260 00:14:47,735 --> 00:14:50,113 ...and that when people live the way you do... 261 00:14:50,286 --> 00:14:52,664 ...bad things happen to them to even things out. 262 00:14:52,836 --> 00:14:54,798 Well, I don't agree. 263 00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:57,099 It's not up for debate. 264 00:14:57,268 --> 00:14:59,980 It's a law, like gravity. 265 00:15:00,153 --> 00:15:02,151 Oh, I agree with gravity. 266 00:15:02,327 --> 00:15:04,741 Good, we wouldn't want you flying off the planet... 267 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,751 ...with nothing to hump but satellites. 268 00:15:06,927 --> 00:15:09,471 If it makes you feel better, something bad happened. 269 00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:11,939 - I'm in excruciating pain. - That's not enough. 270 00:15:12,697 --> 00:15:14,991 Trust me, Charlie. The piper has yet to be paid. 271 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,671 The only question is how high a tab you want before the bill comes due. 272 00:15:20,432 --> 00:15:22,644 Okay. I get it. 273 00:15:23,149 --> 00:15:24,981 Well, good. 274 00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:28,665 So you think I have a shot with that doctor, or what? 275 00:15:31,219 --> 00:15:34,561 It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar. 276 00:15:39,289 --> 00:15:41,251 Who's Piper? 277 00:15:45,059 --> 00:15:49,779 Oh, you poor, clueless bitch. Never trust a drifter with an eye patch. 278 00:15:50,954 --> 00:15:52,785 - Berta. - What? 279 00:15:52,961 --> 00:15:55,173 I'm tired, and my hands are all red and pruney. 280 00:15:55,344 --> 00:15:57,306 I've seen your grades. Get used to it. 281 00:15:59,609 --> 00:16:00,941 How do I know when I'm done? 282 00:16:01,114 --> 00:16:03,242 Don't worry about that, honey, I'll tell you. 283 00:16:03,414 --> 00:16:07,291 Oh, for God's sakes, don't kiss him. He's your brother. 284 00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:11,180 - I have x-rays. - Oh, good. Let me see them. 285 00:16:11,358 --> 00:16:13,189 Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor. 286 00:16:13,908 --> 00:16:16,120 Hey, I'm a doctor. 287 00:16:16,292 --> 00:16:18,336 Oh, yeah? Where you parked? 288 00:16:22,605 --> 00:16:24,401 Alan, you gotta relax. 289 00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:28,078 You're harboring the kind of resentment that eats away at your insides... 290 00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:31,758 ...until you wake up one day peeing blood and crapping into a bag. 291 00:16:31,929 --> 00:16:33,475 Thanks for the advice. 292 00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,772 You know the difference between you and me? 293 00:16:35,943 --> 00:16:37,322 I have a functioning liver... 294 00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:39,654 ...and somehow, you're gonna get laid tonight. 295 00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:43,967 That's ridiculous, Alan. She's an educated professional. 296 00:16:44,138 --> 00:16:47,016 Probably gonna have to throw a few fancy meals at her first. 297 00:16:47,190 --> 00:16:49,402 Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait a couple of weeks. 298 00:16:49,574 --> 00:16:51,238 Couple of weeks? 299 00:16:53,128 --> 00:16:55,209 Anyway, the difference between you and me... 300 00:16:55,385 --> 00:16:58,179 ...is that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade. 301 00:16:58,354 --> 00:17:00,934 When you get lemons, you just bite into them... 302 00:17:01,113 --> 00:17:03,325 ...and suck them inside out. 303 00:17:04,793 --> 00:17:08,217 Okay. Let's see what we've got. 304 00:17:10,521 --> 00:17:12,352 No fractures, no dislocations. 305 00:17:12,528 --> 00:17:16,369 - Looks like just a simple muscle spasm. - Between L4 and L5? 306 00:17:16,542 --> 00:17:19,039 Oh, good for you. 307 00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:22,519 Okay, I am gonna give you a shot, which should ease the pain... 308 00:17:22,688 --> 00:17:25,066 ...and also allow your muscles to relax. 309 00:17:25,239 --> 00:17:26,867 Have you had Demerol before? 310 00:17:27,037 --> 00:17:28,618 No, but I've heard nice things about it. 311 00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,917 Okay, I'm just gonna pull your shorts down a little. 312 00:17:32,096 --> 00:17:34,890 But Dr. Talmadge, I don't even know your first name. 313 00:17:35,064 --> 00:17:37,526 - Michelle. - Michelle. 314 00:17:37,698 --> 00:17:39,113 That's prettier than Stanley. 315 00:17:42,925 --> 00:17:44,803 - Sorry. - That's okay. 316 00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:49,112 It's all part of the little meet-cute thing we got going here. 317 00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:54,123 So how long does it take before I start feeling... 318 00:17:58,353 --> 00:18:00,232 ...happy. 319 00:18:02,451 --> 00:18:06,708 Happy, happy, happy. Happy. 320 00:18:06,883 --> 00:18:09,296 Michelle, did you know I have a house on the beach? 321 00:18:09,893 --> 00:18:13,401 - Really? I love the beach. - Oh, good, because I have a house there. 322 00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:18,539 Wait outside, I need to give your brother a hernia exam to make sure... 323 00:18:18,715 --> 00:18:21,509 ...he hasn't reinjured the area. - A hernia exam. 324 00:18:23,607 --> 00:18:26,616 - And your boxers. - Bye-bye, boxers. 325 00:18:31,593 --> 00:18:33,591 I was wrong. There's no justice. 326 00:18:33,767 --> 00:18:36,015 I thought there was justice, but there's not. 327 00:18:36,193 --> 00:18:37,821 What, you think there's justice? 328 00:18:37,990 --> 00:18:40,119 Because there's not. 329 00:18:40,708 --> 00:18:42,040 Turn your head and cough. 330 00:18:45,098 --> 00:18:47,643 - You have very warm hands. - Again. 331 00:18:47,816 --> 00:18:50,230 You have very warm hands. 332 00:18:54,297 --> 00:18:56,841 So any chance I could take you out for dinner tonight? 333 00:18:57,015 --> 00:19:00,189 - You're hitting on me? - You started it. 334 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:03,202 - You're amazing. - Well, statistically... 335 00:19:03,370 --> 00:19:06,331 ...I'm only slightly above average. 336 00:19:06,757 --> 00:19:10,098 But I make up for it with enthusiasm and perseverance. 337 00:19:10,269 --> 00:19:12,849 No, what's amazing is that you don't remember me. 338 00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:14,657 Well, sure I remember you. 339 00:19:14,826 --> 00:19:18,037 You're the pretty woman cupping my testicles from earlier. 340 00:19:18,213 --> 00:19:21,887 Back when I was in medical school, you and I went out for a couple months. 341 00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:27,277 You wanna loosen your grip there? 342 00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:29,661 Then for reasons I never understood... 343 00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:32,595 ...you stopped calling me, and started seeing my roommate. 344 00:19:34,018 --> 00:19:36,062 The grip. 345 00:19:37,321 --> 00:19:39,484 I always hoped I'd run into you again. 346 00:19:39,871 --> 00:19:43,713 Please. Just leave me one. 347 00:19:44,638 --> 00:19:47,266 Oh, dear God. 348 00:19:47,941 --> 00:19:50,521 My brother's making lemonade. 349 00:19:56,387 --> 00:19:58,051 I need to go to the bathroom. 350 00:19:58,226 --> 00:20:00,022 So go. 351 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,956 Oh, yeah. 352 00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:15,863 Good night. I'll see you tomorrow. 353 00:20:16,038 --> 00:20:17,667 - Night. - Night. 354 00:20:17,836 --> 00:20:20,880 So, are you gonna tell me what happened with you and the doctor? 355 00:20:21,055 --> 00:20:22,387 What do you think happened? 356 00:20:23,731 --> 00:20:25,693 I think she shot you full of drugs... 357 00:20:25,864 --> 00:20:27,992 ...you dropped trou, she jumped your bones... 358 00:20:28,163 --> 00:20:30,661 ...and you're the luckiest bastard to walk the earth. 359 00:20:31,383 --> 00:20:34,177 Well, for your information... 360 00:20:34,351 --> 00:20:36,813 ...that's exactly what happened. 361 00:20:38,742 --> 00:20:41,036 Not even a little justice. 362 00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:44,966 This is a justice-free zone. 363 00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:48,858 Looking for justice? Sorry, fresh out. 364 00:20:50,282 --> 00:20:52,826 Enjoy sucking on that lemon. 365 00:20:54,839 --> 00:20:57,419 Nope, not yet.