1
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[upbeat acoustic guitar music]

2
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- WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS.

3
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MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

4
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TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

5
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ABILITY. I CAN DRINK THAT.

6
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[coughs]

7
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SOME PEOPLE HAVE
AMAZING ABILITIES

8
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LIKE A HIGH DIVER.

9
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THERE HE GOES.

10
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[cheers and applause]

11
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THE JUDGES LOVE IT!

12
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HERE WE GO.

13
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[upbeat rock music]

14
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*

15
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[cheers and applause]

16
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THANK YOU.

17
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THANKS, AUDIENCE.
WELCOME.

18
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TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING
IS ABILITY.

19
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OOH.

20
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THAT'S AN IMPORTANT ONE.

21
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THAT'S A BIG TOPIC.

22
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LET'S SEE,
HOW DO WE COVER THIS?

23
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LOT OF OPTIONS.

24
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I COULD DISS
AN AUDIENCE MEMBER,

25
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OR DISMEMBER AN AUDIENCE.

26
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OR JOKES.

27
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I THINK VAMPIRES
MUST JUST HAVE

28
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AN INNATE SENSE OF STYLE.

29
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'CAUSE THEY LOOK
PRETTY GOOD,

30
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BUT THEY CAN'T SEE THEIR
REFLECTION IN A MIRROR, SO...

31
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IT'S LIKE...

32
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[applause]

33
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YOU LOOK GOOD.

34
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GOT SOME GOOD STYLE.

35
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DID YOU JUST--
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

36
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IT'S LIKE,
"OH, WE HANG OUT IN GROUPS,

37
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AND WE KIND OF CHECK
EACH OTHER OUT OR SOMETHIN'."

38
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LIKE, OH, I SEE.

39
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I'M NOT THE BEST RUNNER,
BUT I STILL HAVE GOALS.

40
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I'M PRETTY AMBITIOUS.

41
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I WANT TO RUN A MARATHON,
I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW.

42
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I'VE RUN IN A MARATHON,
BUT JUST ACROSS.

43
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I RAN ONE SHORT WAYS,

44
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BUT I NEVER RAN ONE, LIKE,
THE LONG WAY,

45
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YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

46
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BUT I DO WANT TO RUN ONE,

47
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BUT MY GOALS
ARE REALLY SPECIFIC.

48
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I WANT TO RUN THE WHOLE RACE

49
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IN A WAY THAT LOOKS LIKE
I'M SNEAKING UP ON SOMEBODY.

50
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IT'S LIKE 26 MILES
JUST LIKE THIS.

51
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THINK THAT WOULD BE COOL,

52
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BECAUSE THEN
WHEN WE'RE GOING BY

53
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AND EVERYBODY'S CHEERING,
LIKE, "GO, GO! YOU CAN DO IT!"

54
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THEN THEY SEE ME GO BY,
AND THEY'RE LIKE,

55
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"HOLD ON, WAIT A MINUTE.
WE GOT A SNEAK IN THE PACK.

56
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RIGHT THERE,
THERE'S A SNEAKY ATHLETE."

57
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,970
THE GUY WITH THE MUSTACHE.

58
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HE'S TWIRLING
HIS MUSTACHE.

59
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OR MAYBE I WOULD RUN THE WHOLE
RACE IN STREET CLOTHES.

60
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JUST HAVE, LIKE,
A BAG OF GROCERIES.

61
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JUST BE LIKE,
"WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

62
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I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET HOME!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!"

63
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EVERYBODY'D SAY,
"THAT GUY'S IN GREAT SHAPE.

64
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"I GUESS
HE WAS JUST SHOPPING,

65
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:41,097
AND THEN HE RAN
A MARATHON."

66
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THE BEST WOULD BE
TO PICK UP A WALLET

67
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AT THE STARTING LINE.

68
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JUST BE LIKE, "SIR?

69
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"EXCUSE ME,
YOU DROPPED THIS. SIR.

70
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"SIR, PLEASE, WAIT!

71
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SIR! SIR!"

72
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THE GOOD SAMARITAN
IS AT MILE 22.

73
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THIS GUY'S A FREAKING
AWESOME SAMARITAN.

74
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HE'S DEFINITELY GONNA GET LAID
AT THE FINISH LINE.

75
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THIS IS GREAT.

76
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THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD
IN RELATIONSHIPS

77
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WHERE IF YOU'RE
AT A CERTAIN POINT

78
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IN THE RELATIONSHIP,
YOU CAN END A CONVERSATION

79
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BY SAYING THE STATUS
OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

80
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YOU CAN SAY HOW YOU FEEL,
AND THAT ENDS THE CONVERSATION.

81
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IF YOU'RE IN LOVE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

82
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YOU CAN SAY, "OKAY, I GOTTA GO.
I LOVE YOU."

83
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HANG UP.

84
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BUT YOU CAN'T DO IT,
LIKE, ANY TIME EARLIER

85
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IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

86
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"OKAY, I GOTTA GO.

87
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"UH, I'M NOT THAT SERIOUS
ABOUT YOU,

88
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BUT I WANT TO HOOK UP WITH YOU
A COUPLE MORE TIMES."

89
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[bluesy acoustic
guitar music]

90
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- * HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

91
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* IN THE SHOW

92
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* HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

93
00:03:39,033 --> 00:03:40,473
* IN THE SHOW

94
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* HERE COMES THE NEXT THING

95
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* WHOA *

96
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:47,730
- GENTLEMEN, THE SITUATION'S
PRETTY BLEAK.

97
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WE'VE BEEN TRYIN'
FOR TWO WEEKS,

98
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AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO FOOD ON THIS ISLAND.

99
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EVERYONE HERE IS STARVING.

100
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,003
WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS.

101
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:57,203
THAT SOMEONE HERE
IS GONNA HAVE TO MAKE

102
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THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE.

103
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SOMEONE WILL BE EATEN.

104
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WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

105
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[suspenseful music]

106
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*

107
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- SO, UH, HOW DO YOU
WANT TO DO IT?

108
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,730
- I MEAN, EVERYBODY,
IN ALL FAIRNESS,

109
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SHOULD JUST
MAYBE TAKE A MINUTE

110
00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:17,373
AND STATE THEIR CASE.

111
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,030
- I REALLY THINK WE SHOULD
GIVE FISHING ANOTHER SHOT.

112
00:04:20,067 --> 00:04:22,367
- WE ALREADY TRIED THAT.
THERE'S NO FISH.

113
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- NO FISH YET.

114
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I'M SAYIN' FISH,
'CAUSE IT'S OUT THERE.

115
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:27,833
- SO, UH, HOW DO YOU
WANT TO DO IT?

116
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:30,667
- I SAW A STARFISH
LAST WEEK.

117
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:31,830
- I'LL GO FIRST.

118
00:04:31,867 --> 00:04:33,527
AS YOU ALL KNOW,
I'M A EXPERT SURVIVALIST.

119
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I'VE BEEN A MARINE
TEN YEARS,

120
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AND MOST RECENTLY,
A MOUNTAIN GUIDE.

121
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- MOUNTAINS?
- MOUNTAINS.

122
00:04:40,867 --> 00:04:43,327
- SORRY, I'M JUST WONDERING
HOW THE MOUNTAINS PERTAIN,

123
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,397
'CAUSE THERE'S NO MOUNTAINS
ON THIS ISLAND.

124
00:04:45,433 --> 00:04:47,133
- FAIR ENOUGH.

125
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:51,167
BUT I BUILT A FIRE FOR US
EVERY NIGHT.

126
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,070
- IT'S A LITTLE HOT.

127
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,830
ANYBODY HOT?

128
00:04:55,867 --> 00:04:58,267
IT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

129
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,500
- UH, ALL RIGHT,
I GUESS I'LL GO.

130
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I'M A REGISTERED NURSE,

131
00:05:02,933 --> 00:05:04,173
AND I HAVE--
- CERTIFIED?

132
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- WHAT'S THAT.

133
00:05:05,233 --> 00:05:07,133
- CERTIFIED?
- REGISTERED.

134
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ALSO, UH, A MARINE,

135
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,827
BUT ONLY FOR THREE YEARS.

136
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- MARINE?
THAT'S FUNNY.

137
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ONE ISLAND,
WE HAVE TWO MARINES.

138
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,400
KIND OF DOUBLED-UP
IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

139
00:05:18,433 --> 00:05:20,203
- OKAY, LET'S VOTE.

140
00:05:20,233 --> 00:05:21,873
- YEAH, LET'S VOTE.
- LET'S VOTE.

141
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,770
- WHOA! CAN I GO?

142
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- RIGHT, OF COURSE.

143
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:29,373
- GENTLEMEN, WE ARE STRANDED
ON AN ISLAND.

144
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WE HAVE NO FOOD.

145
00:05:31,233 --> 00:05:33,903
WE HAVE NO,
UH...SNACKS.

146
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,473
YOU KNOW, NOTHING.

147
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:38,100
BUT WHAT WE HAVE
IS EACH OTHER.

148
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WE HAVE FRIENDSHIP.

149
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WE'VE--WE'VE BONDED.

150
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,230
MORE IMPORTANTLY,
LET'S NOT UNDERVALUE

151
00:05:43,267 --> 00:05:44,797
SOMETHING
THAT WE ALL LOVE--

152
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ENTERTAINMENT.

153
00:05:45,833 --> 00:05:47,133
RIGHT?

154
00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:49,997
I MEAN, I'VE PROVIDED THAT
MORE THAN ANYBODY HERE.

155
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,273
THE TIME THAT I FELL
BACKWARDS

156
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:52,800
AND I BROKE THE HUT.

157
00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:54,403
COME ON,
THAT WAS FUNNY.

158
00:05:54,433 --> 00:05:56,173
- IT DID MESS UP THE HUT.

159
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:59,300
- BUT LET'S REMEMBER,
I'VE DANCED ON THE BEACH

160
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:01,303
FOR EACH OF YOU
AT SEPARATE TIMES.

161
00:06:01,333 --> 00:06:03,433
I'M ALWAYS
QUICK WITH A JOKE.

162
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,867
I MADE THAT JOKE
ABOUT YOUR WIFE,

163
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,330
HOW SHE'S
PROBABLY CHEATING ON YOU,

164
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,367
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW.

165
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- I REMEMBER IT WELL.
- YES.

166
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- THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

167
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:10,700
- IT WAS HILARIOUS.

168
00:06:10,733 --> 00:06:12,803
THERE'S SO MUCH MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

169
00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,433
GIVE ME THAT CHANCE.
I WILL PUT A SMILE

170
00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:17,797
ON THE REMAINING TWO FACES
THAT JOIN ME

171
00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:18,803
INTO THE FUTURE.

172
00:06:18,833 --> 00:06:19,903
THAT'S MY PROMISE.

173
00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:22,173
- LOOK, OKAY,
I'M THE CAPTAIN.

174
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I'M RESPONSIBLE.

175
00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,230
I'M THE ONE
WHO MADE THE CHOICE

176
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:28,267
TO LET OLIVER
STEER THE BOAT, SO...

177
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MAYBE YOU SHOULD
JUST EAT ME.

178
00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:33,027
- YES.
- NO, NO, NO.

179
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,867
- IT'S JUST THAT
KIND OF SELFLESS ATTITUDE

180
00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,130
THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE

181
00:06:36,167 --> 00:06:37,527
FOR US
TO EVER EAT YOU.

182
00:06:37,567 --> 00:06:38,567
- YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

183
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THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN.
- THANK YOU.

184
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- HEY, NO ONE'S EATING
ANYBODY TONIGHT.

185
00:06:42,667 --> 00:06:45,067
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO
IS WE'RE GONNA SLEEP IT OFF,

186
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WE'RE GONNA LAUGH
ABOUT THIS TOMORROW,

187
00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:49,333
AND WE WILL
BE EATING STARFISH

188
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AND HAVING
A GREAT TIME.

189
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AAH!

190
00:06:55,433 --> 00:06:56,673
[maniacal laughter]

191
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,330
- AAH! AAH!

192
00:06:58,367 --> 00:06:59,827
[boat horn blares]

193
00:06:59,867 --> 00:07:03,197
- HEY! HEY!
[horn blows blares]

194
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,927
- * THIS IS A SKETCH

195
00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:21,027
- YES, IT IS.

196
00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:22,867
- * THIS IS A SKETCH

197
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,000
- THAT'S RIGHT.

198
00:07:24,033 --> 00:07:25,433
- * THIS IS A SKETCH

199
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,427
- SKETCH IT UP.

200
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,267
- * IT'S A SKETCH *

201
00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:33,303
[slow, rhythmic
acoustic guitar music]

202
00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:36,103
*

203
00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:37,503
- * YEAH, YEAH

204
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,500
* YEAH, YEAH

205
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:46,767
* YEAH, YEAH

206
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,970
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

207
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,430
[horn honks]

208
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,127
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

209
00:07:57,833 --> 00:08:00,303
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

210
00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:01,503
[horn beeps]

211
00:08:01,533 --> 00:08:03,273
* YEAH *

212
00:08:09,467 --> 00:08:12,427
[bluesy electric
guitar music]

213
00:08:12,467 --> 00:08:16,767
*

214
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,200
- I DON'T THINK
I'D BE A GOOD BABYSITTER,

215
00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:19,333
BECAUSE I HAVE THIS HABIT

216
00:08:19,367 --> 00:08:21,327
WHERE I LIKE TO DRAW
MUSTACHES ON PEOPLE

217
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,797
WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING.

218
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:25,633
"HOW ARE THE KIDS?
EVERYTHING OKAY?"

219
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:27,967
OH, GREAT. UM...

220
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,070
SALVADOR DALI WENT TO BED
PRETTY EARLY,

221
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,900
AND, UH, HITLER
WAS A LITTLE FEISTY,

222
00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:34,903
BUT THEN HE SETTLED DOWN.

223
00:08:34,933 --> 00:08:36,433
SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK.

224
00:08:36,467 --> 00:08:39,667
- [short, quick breathing]

225
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,570
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
MA'AM?

226
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,700
- NO. I THINK
THE BABY'S COMING.

227
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:45,933
- OH, MY.
ALL RIGHT, STAY CALM.

228
00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:48,367
RELAX.

229
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,370
EXCUSE ME, PASSENGERS.

230
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,570
WE HAVE
A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

231
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,470
IS THERE A DOCTOR
ON THE PLANE?

232
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:55,100
IS ANYONE HERE
A DOCTOR?

233
00:08:57,767 --> 00:08:59,897
- EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN,
WE HAVE A MEDICAL EMERGENCY.

234
00:08:59,933 --> 00:09:01,033
A WOMAN
IS GIVING BIRTH,

235
00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,967
AND THERE IS NO DOCTOR
ABOARD.

236
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,200
- WELL, I HAVE
SOME MEDICAL TRAINING.

237
00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:06,333
JOE, CAN YOU
TAKE OVER FOR A BIT?

238
00:09:06,367 --> 00:09:07,427
- SURE.

239
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:09,697
WEATHER'S
GETTIN' CHOPPY, THOUGH.

240
00:09:09,733 --> 00:09:11,503
I CAN'T HANDLE THESE LANDING
CALCULATIONS MYSELF.

241
00:09:11,533 --> 00:09:13,333
- RIGHT.

242
00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:16,097
[woman breathing]

243
00:09:16,133 --> 00:09:17,803
- EXCUSE ME, PASSENGERS.

244
00:09:17,833 --> 00:09:19,903
DOES ANYONE HERE
HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE

245
00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:21,233
WITH AVIATION NAVIGATION?

246
00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:24,227
- YES.

247
00:09:24,267 --> 00:09:25,297
I'M A PILOT.

248
00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:27,533
- DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE
WITH 717s?

249
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,167
- YEAH, I DO,

250
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,170
BUT RIGHT NOW,
I'M TRANSPORTING THIS PRISONER.

251
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,800
A POLICE OFFICER NEEDS TO BE
WITH THIS MAN AT ALL TIMES.

252
00:09:35,833 --> 00:09:38,103
- OKAY, IS THERE
A POLICE OFFICER ON THE PLANE

253
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:39,673
THAT CAN LOOK
AFTER THIS PRISONER

254
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:41,600
SO THIS MAN CAN HELP
MY CO-PILOT

255
00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:43,673
SO I CAN DELIVER
THAT CHILD?

256
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:44,770
- HURRY!

257
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,930
- UM, I'M AN OFF-DUTY
POLICE OFFICER.

258
00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:49,297
- GREAT, GET UP HERE.
LET'S DO THIS.

259
00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:51,273
- I'M JUST ON THIS URGENT
PHONE CALL WITH MY MOTHER.

260
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,700
MY HUSBAND
IS CHOKING AT HOME,

261
00:09:52,733 --> 00:09:54,773
AND I'M TELLING HER HOW TO DO
THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER.

262
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,430
- HERE, I'LL TALK HER
THROUGH IT.

263
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,867
- MY MOTHER
ONLY SPEAKS KOREAN.

264
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:01,470
- HURRY!

265
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,200
- DOES ANYONE ON THE PLANE
SPEAK KOREAN?

266
00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:05,303
[pregnant woman moans]

267
00:10:05,333 --> 00:10:07,733
- OH, YEAH,
MY WIFE SPEAKS KOREAN.

268
00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:10,227
SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM
UP THERE!

269
00:10:10,267 --> 00:10:11,567
[knocks]

270
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,670
- MA'AM, ARE YOU
ALMOST THROUGH?

271
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:13,800
WE NEED YOUR HELP
OUT HERE.

272
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,203
- I'VE BEEN BANGING
ON THE DOOR

273
00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:16,603
FOR THE PAST
FIVE MINUTES NOW.

274
00:10:16,633 --> 00:10:17,773
THE LOCK IS JAMMED.

275
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,800
[door rattles]

276
00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:21,673
- IS ANYONE HERE
A LOCKSMITH?

277
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,730
- I'M A LOCKSMITH,

278
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,627
BUT I DON'T HAVE
MY TOOLS.

279
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:30,403
BUT IF ANYONE HAS,
LIKE, A STETHOSCOPE

280
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,873
OR A TONGUE DEPRESSOR,

281
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:33,530
I COULD PROBABLY
JIMMY THE LOCK.

282
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:35,127
- IS ANYONE HERE
A DOCTOR?

283
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,997
- UH...I'M A DOCTOR.

284
00:10:38,033 --> 00:10:41,073
- GREAT, GREAT, MEET ME
UP FRONT WITH YOUR TOOLS.

285
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:42,270
- OKAY.

286
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,100
- HURRY, PLEASE!
THE BABY'S COMING!

287
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:46,373
- ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,
LET'S DO THIS.

288
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,370
[inspiring
instrumental music]

289
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:57,470
*

290
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,703
[upbeat percussion music]

291
00:11:46,733 --> 00:11:54,733
*

292
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,727
[somber acoustic guitar
music]

293
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:06,827
*

294
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:16,973
[bluesy acoustic guitar
music]

295
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,200
[applause]

296
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:20,733
- OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT SOME DATA.

297
00:12:20,767 --> 00:12:24,027
PEEING AND LAUGHING,
LET'S DO AN ANALYSIS HERE.

298
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,867
IF YOU'RE ALONE
OR IN A GROUP.

299
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:30,670
LAUGHING ALONE
IS CRAZY.

300
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,600
LAUGHING IN A GROUP
IS OKAY.

301
00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:37,173
PEEING ALONE IS OKAY,

302
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,300
BUT PEEING IN A GROUP
IS CRAZY.

303
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,970
LAUGHING AND THEN PEEING
ALONE IS OKAY.

304
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,803
AND IN A GROUP,
IT'S ALSO OKAY.

305
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,203
IF THE LAUGHING
MADE YOU PEE,

306
00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:54,833
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

307
00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:58,097
PEEING AND THEN LAUGHING,

308
00:12:58,133 --> 00:12:59,533
THAT'S CRAZY
IF YOU'RE ALONE.

309
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,727
YOU DON'T WANT TO

310
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:03,027
JUST BE ALONE AND PEE,

311
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,527
AND THEN GO HA HA HA HA!

312
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:08,633
IN A GROUP,
IT'S REALLY CRAZY EVEN MORE.

313
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,967
IT'S LIKE,
A BUNCH OF US PEED

314
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,470
AND THEN WE ALL LAUGHED.

315
00:13:14,033 --> 00:13:16,503
UNLESS YOU'RE A BABY,
THEN IT'S OKAY.

316
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,627
[subdued
acoustic guitar music]

317
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,067
*

318
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:26,230
- DEAR DIARY,
MAN, TODAY SUCKED.

319
00:13:26,267 --> 00:13:29,097
BEING DEMETRI'S
NOTEBOOK IS THE WORST.

320
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:30,533
SO I'M IN HIS BACKPACK,

321
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:32,067
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHERE WE'RE GOING,

322
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,230
AND HE TAKES ME OUT,

323
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:35,097
AND I SEE WE'RE
AT A RESTAURANT.

324
00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:37,873
HE'S USING ME
BECAUSE HE'S LONELY,

325
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,700
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE
ANYBODY TO EAT WITH.

326
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:43,273
HE WANTS EVERYONE TO BE LIKE,
"OH, LOOK AT THAT ARTIST,

327
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:47,130
THAT WRITER WHO'S WRITING
AT A TABLE ALONE."

328
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:49,167
HE'S GOT NOTHING TO SAY.

329
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,800
HE'S PRETENDING TO WRITE
STUFF IN ME.

330
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:55,073
SO PATHETIC.

331
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:58,370
BUT THEN HE SEES THAT HE'S
NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION,

332
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,370
SO HE STARTS TO WRITE
A SONG IN ME.

333
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,970
THIS GUY'S NEVER WRITTEN
A SONG IN HIS LIFE.

334
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,500
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
WORSE ACTING

335
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:08,003
OF SOMEONE PRETENDING
TO WRITE A SONG?

336
00:14:08,033 --> 00:14:10,233
NOBODY'S BUYING IT, BUDDY.

337
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,227
- * SHE GOT

338
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,097
* DA BA DA BO DA BADA

339
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:14,403
- WHAT WERE THOSE LYRICS?

340
00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:16,703
"SHE GOT
DA BA DA BO DA BADA?

341
00:14:16,733 --> 00:14:20,133
SHE GOT
DA BA DA BO DA BADA."

342
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,297
YEAH,
I CAN SEE THAT SONG

343
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,133
TOPPING THE CHARTS
RIGHT NOW.

344
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:28,067
DEMETRI MARTIN WITH
SHE GOT DA BA DA BO DA BADA.

345
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,800
EVERYONE CAN SEE
THROUGH THIS GUY'S SHAM.

346
00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:32,673
THIS IS WHAT HE REALLY WROTE.

347
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,530
I'M SO EMBARRASSED
TO BE HIS NOTEBOOK.

348
00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:43,727
- * AND SO I WONDER

349
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,367
* WHO WOULD WIN
IN A FIGHT *

350
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,830
* BETWEEN A ZOMBIE
AND DRACULA *

351
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:53,027
*

352
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,497
* A ZOMBIE IS VERY STRONG

353
00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:59,473
* BUT DRACULA'S TEETH
ARE VERY LONG *

354
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,800
* OH, NO, WHAT WAS THAT?

355
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,403
* I BEGIN TO FEEL

356
00:15:02,433 --> 00:15:04,833
* THE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT

357
00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:07,767
* GIVIN' ME A FRIGHT

358
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,600
* I'LL HIDE IN A TREE

359
00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:11,173
* NEITHER OF THEM ARE KNOWN

360
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,670
* FOR CLIMBING ABILITY

361
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,130
* MAYBE IT'S BEST I FLEE

362
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:20,067
* I MUST GET HOME

363
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:23,170
* I MUST GET HOME

364
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,470
* I MUST GET HOME

365
00:15:26,500 --> 00:15:28,370
* OH, NO

366
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:32,170
* WHOA, OH, NO *

367
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,630
I WAS ON VACATION.

368
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:34,927
I WENT UP TO THESE RUINS,

369
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,567
AND THEN,
I WENT TO TOUCH THEM,

370
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,570
AND I WASN'T ALLOWED TO.

371
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,600
THEY HAD, LIKE, A BARRIER.

372
00:15:41,633 --> 00:15:42,733
THEY'RE RUINS, MAN.

373
00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:46,903
THEY'RE RUINED, YOU KNOW.

374
00:15:46,933 --> 00:15:48,273
WE PUT IT IN THE NAME.

375
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:51,270
I THINK IT'S OKAY
TO JUST, LIKE, TOUCH 'EM.

376
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,500
IT'S NOT
LIKE I HAVE, LIKE,

377
00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:56,573
TEN CENTURIES OF, LIKE, WIND
IN MY FINGERTIPS.

378
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,170
GOD DAMN THIS SUPERHERO,

379
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,030
RUINING THE RUINS
TOO MUCH.

380
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,397
male announcer:
BETWEEN SOCRATES AND PLATO,

381
00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:04,573
THERE WAS...

382
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:11,373
- A MAN'S ABILITIES ARE
WHAT MAKE HIM ATTRACTIVE,

383
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,870
BUT NOT ALL ABILITIES.

384
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:16,570
FOR EXAMPLE, THE ABILITY
TO PLAY THE LUTE

385
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,870
IS WELL-RESPECTED
BY THE OPPOSITE SEX,

386
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:21,600
BUT BE WARNED.

387
00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:23,503
AT THE VERY SAME TIME,

388
00:16:23,533 --> 00:16:25,733
THE ABILITY TO PLAY
THE AIR LUTE

389
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,927
IS NOT SO RESPECTED,

390
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:29,767
NO MATTER HOW GOOD
YOU ARE AT IT.

391
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,270
BITCHES.

392
00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:38,897
[applause]

393
00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:41,633
- I'M HERE TONIGHT
WITH A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.

394
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,267
APPARENTLY, YOU SUFFER
FROM AN INTERESTING CONDITION.

395
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,500
THANK YOU
FOR BEING HERE.

396
00:16:45,533 --> 00:16:47,833
- WELL, UH,
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

397
00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:56,533
- I'M SORRY.

398
00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,127
ARE YOU NOT HAPPY
TO BE HERE? WHAT'S...?

399
00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:00,527
- I'M MORE THAN HAPPY
TO BE HERE.

400
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:06,770
- WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS?

401
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,070
- I HAVE
A NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER.

402
00:17:12,633 --> 00:17:13,973
- ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

403
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,630
- I'M BEING
QUITE SERIOUS.

404
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,930
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.

405
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:23,427
- WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT'S CAUSED ME

406
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:24,597
QUITE A BIT
OF DIFFICULTY.

407
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:29,127
- IT HAS,
OR IT HASN'T?

408
00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,497
- OH, IT HAS.

409
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,200
- WE'LL BE BACK.

410
00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:39,533
[applause]

411
00:17:45,633 --> 00:17:48,603
[tranquil acoustic guitar
music]

412
00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:56,703
*

413
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,370
[applause]

414
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,170
- HEY.

415
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,000
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

416
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,073
THE ABILITY TO RIDE
A UNICYCLE

417
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,270
IS DISAPPEARING
FROM THE HUMAN POPULATION.

418
00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:00,370
FOR SOME REASON,
MEN WHO RIDE UNICYCLES

419
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,900
ARE NOT REPRODUCING.

420
00:20:03,433 --> 00:20:04,933
MEN LIKE THIS.

421
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:08,033
SCIENTISTS DON'T KNOW WHY,

422
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:09,997
BUT ONE STUDY SUGGESTS
THAN WHEN A WOMAN

423
00:20:10,033 --> 00:20:12,073
SEES A MAN
RIDING A UNICYCLE,

424
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:15,230
A HORMONE
IS SECRETED IN HER BRAIN

425
00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:18,327
THAT NEUTRALIZES HER DESIRE
TO SEE ANYTHING SEXUAL...

426
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:22,503
LET ALONE HAVE CHILDREN.

427
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:28,070
SO WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP
UNICYCLISTS FROM GOING EXTINCT?

428
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:29,800
IF YOU RIDE A UNICYCLE,

429
00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:31,073
HIDE YOUR IDENTITY.

430
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:34,603
WEAR A MASK
TO DISGUISE YOUR FACE

431
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,603
FROM ANY POTENTIAL PARTNERS.

432
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,270
THAT WAY, SHE WON'T KNOW
WHO YOU ARE,

433
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:41,030
AND LATER
YOU CAN TALK TO HER.

434
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:44,127
KEEP THAT UNICYCLE HIDDEN.

435
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:46,427
OR DEVELOP A HOBBY
THAT WILL AT LEAST OVERRIDE

436
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:47,727
THE UNCOOLNESS
OF THE UNICYCLE,

437
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:48,767
LIKE PLAYING GUITAR.

438
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,267
AND WHAT CAN WOMEN DO?

439
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:54,600
NOT MUCH,

440
00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:57,603
EXCEPT TO FIND
THIS ATTRACTIVE.

441
00:20:57,633 --> 00:20:59,473
THANK YOU.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

442
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,100
[applause]

443
00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:04,133
Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com

444
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:13,927
[fingers snapping]

445
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,927
[upbeat dance music]

446
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:24,967
*

447
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,273
[music stops]

448
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,130
[light laughter]