1
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,227
- HEY.

2
00:00:11,267 --> 00:00:13,527
WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS.
MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.

3
00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:16,927
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...

4
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,727
ATTENTION!
YOU GOT A SURPRISE, PEOPLE.

5
00:00:20,767 --> 00:00:21,897
DOWN HERE.

6
00:00:21,933 --> 00:00:24,103
TA-DA.

7
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:26,233
PEOPLE DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS
FOR ATTENTION,

8
00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:27,467
LIKE THEY'LL GET
A CRAZY HAIRCUT.

9
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,800
"OH, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT MY HAIR."

10
00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:31,033
"OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT HIS HAIR.

11
00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:32,297
OH, HE PLAYS GUITAR TOO!"

12
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:34,303
THEY SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION
TO OTHER THINGS,

13
00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:35,873
LIKE A METEOR.

14
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700
"AAH! WE'RE ON FIRE!

15
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:39,473
WHY WERE WE LOOKING
AT HIS HAIR?"

16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,700
ME, I GOT A TV SHOW
'CAUSE I NEED ATTENTION.

17
00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,033
[sighs]
GO.

18
00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:47,027
[upbeat rock music]

19
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:55,067
*

20
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,197
[cheers and applause]

21
00:01:02,233 --> 00:01:04,973
THANK YOU.

22
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:07,767
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
THANKS.

23
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:08,800
WELCOME.

24
00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:11,533
THANK YOU.

25
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:14,627
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING
IS ATTENTION.

26
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,427
OKAY, THAT'S
A VERY IMPORTANT THING--

27
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,167
A LOT OF WAYS
TO COME AT THIS THING.

28
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LET'S SEE.
WE COULD...

29
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DO FIREWORKS,

30
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THE OPPOSITE
OF FIREWORKS...

31
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[laughter]

32
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,967
I GUESS THAT WOULD BE
JUST UNEXPLODING THEM.

33
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,097
THAT'S GONNA BE HARD.

34
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,603
I'M NOT SURE
HOW TO DO THAT.

35
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OR JOKES.

36
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HMM.

37
00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:38,573
ALL RIGHT.
UH, JOKES.

38
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IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE GETTING
PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU

39
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,400
IN A CONVERSATION,
JUST COUNT DOWN

40
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,903
BEFORE THE THING
YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

41
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"FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE,
WE SHOULD GET ITALIAN FOOD."

42
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[laughter and applause]

43
00:01:53,733 --> 00:01:57,233
"WOW.

44
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,897
"WOW, MARK,
THAT IDEA REALLY TOOK OFF.

45
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,267
"I GUESS WE'RE GONNA...

46
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,430
GET ITALIAN FOOD, OKAY."

47
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:06,827
SOMETIMES
I'LL BE READING A BOOK,

48
00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:10,627
AND THE FIRST LETTER
OF THE CHAPTER IS REALLY BIG.

49
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,567
AND THEN THEY GET SMALL
RIGHT AWAY.

50
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,400
IT'S LIKE THERE WAS A GUY
PRINTING THE BOOK,

51
00:02:15,433 --> 00:02:17,833
AND HE WAS LIKE,
"AH, I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK.

52
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:18,927
I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK."

53
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,827
AND THEN A GUY RAN IN
AND WAS LIKE,

54
00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,667
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

55
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,100
"THAT FONT SIZE
IS WAY TOO BIG.

56
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:26,303
"WE CAN'T MAKE A BOOK THIS BIG.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

57
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:29,103
TAKE IT DOWN, MAN.
TAKE IT DOWN."

58
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,403
HE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

59
00:02:30,433 --> 00:02:32,673
AND THEN IT'S JUST,
LIKE, SMALL WORDS.

60
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THEN HE GETS
TO THE NEXT CHAPTER,

61
00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:37,073
AND HE'S LIKE...

62
00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:39,527
"I'M GONNA MAKE
A BIG BOOK."

63
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:40,797
AND THE GUY'S LIKE--COMES IN,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

64
00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:43,233
I TOLD YOU."

65
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:45,267
AND THE GUY KEEPS COMING IN,
LIKE, ONE LETTER TOO LATE.

66
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,600
HE'S LIKE, "DAMN IT."

67
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,603
SOMETIMES IF I NEED
TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION,

68
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I'LL START A SENTENCE
WITH, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

69
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:53,797
I'LL SAY,
"LOOK, I CAN'T GO."

70
00:02:53,833 --> 00:02:55,333
YOU KNOW?

71
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:56,967
IF I REALLY NEED
THEIR ATTENTION, I'LL SAY,

72
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"LISTEN,

73
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:01,203
I'M BEING SERIOUS."

74
00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:03,673
AND IF I REALLY, REALLY NEED
THEIR ATTENTION,

75
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I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"SMELL...

76
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,467
[laughter]

77
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,730
"I HAVE TO GO HOME.

78
00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:17,227
THAT SMELL IS ME.
I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT."

79
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:21,297
[mellow guitar music]

80
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* THIS IS A SEGUE

81
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,767
* THIS IS A SEGUE

82
00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:32,067
- DETECTIVE STONE,

83
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,367
I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING
OUT OF YOUR JURISDICTION.

84
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,630
- I GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE STASHED
TO PUT YOU AWAY

85
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:37,667
FOR A LIFETIME.

86
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:40,070
- I DON'T THINK SO.

87
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:43,567
YOU'VE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE
FOR FAR TOO LONG.

88
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,070
- AND THE HEDGES
ARE ABOUT TO GET TRIMMED, BABY.

89
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,227
SNIP, SNIP.

90
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:57,567
- YOUR HEROICS COST ME
$20 MILLION--

91
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,270
THE PRICE OF A ONE-WAY TICKET
TO HELL.

92
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,270
- YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT
A ROUND-TRIP TICKET.

93
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,500
BUT THAT WOULD COST
ANOTHER $20 MILLION--

94
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,073
TOO EXPENSIVE.

95
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,567
- EXCUSE ME.
- WHAT?

96
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:21,767
- WHAT'S UP?

97
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,300
- YOU'RE A HENCHMAN.

98
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:24,903
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO STAND AROUND THE PLACE

99
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,273
AND LOOK...

100
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,670
THREATENING!

101
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,270
AND NOT TALK.

102
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,070
- YOU DON'T LIKE MY ONE-LINERS?
- NO, I DON'T.

103
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,827
I'M THE ONE THAT TALKS.
YOU SHUT UP.

104
00:04:32,867 --> 00:04:34,067
THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS.

105
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,100
- OKAY,
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

106
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:36,573
- WELL,
I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP.

107
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,070
SO KNOCK IT OFF, OR I'LL SHOVE
A RIFLE DOWN YOUR THROAT.

108
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:42,067
- GOT IT.

109
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,570
NO ONE-LINERS.

110
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,700
- I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU,
DETECTIVE STONE.

111
00:04:46,733 --> 00:04:48,773
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THIS.

112
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,270
- THOUGHT YOU COULD BE
THE HERO,

113
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:54,130
BUT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAVE
YOURSELF.

114
00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,733
- IT'S TIME
FOR THIS GAME TO END.

115
00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,497
IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO DIE.

116
00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:05,433
- 11:30--
THAT'S DYING TIME.

117
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,533
- WHAT?

118
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,797
I DIDN'T DO ANY ONE-LINERS.
I WAS STATING THE OBVIOUS.

119
00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:13,073
- LET ME MAKE THIS SIMPLE
FOR YOU.

120
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,070
YOU TALK, I KILL YOU.

121
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,297
- OKAY.

122
00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:19,633
UNDERSTOOD.

123
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,627
- SO IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT
TO SAY BEFORE I KILL YOU?

124
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,127
- ONLY THIS.

125
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:31,067
- DON'T TALK. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT
WHEN PEOPLE TALK.

126
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,127
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

127
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:33,597
- SEE.

128
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,770
- [sighs]

129
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,270
- I KNOW YOUR UNCLE WAS
A FRIEND OF MINE,

130
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,130
BUT IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
TRUST ME,

131
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,327
I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF
WITH AN AX.

132
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:45,067
- OKAY, HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS--
MESSAGE RECEIVED.

133
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,970
- VINCENT, I CAN EXPLAIN.

134
00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:48,797
- THERE'S NO NEED.

135
00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:50,933
IT'S GONNA BE A SHAME
TO DESTROY

136
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:53,227
A FACE AS BEAUTIFUL
AS YOURS.

137
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:56,327
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW.

138
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,067
BUT I COULD DRAW A MUSTACHE
ON HER FACE,

139
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,497
IT WON'T BE AS BEAUTIFUL, WON'T
BE AS MUCH OF A SHAME MAYBE.

140
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:01,933
OKAY.

141
00:06:01,967 --> 00:06:04,297
I'VE GOT A SHARPIE.

142
00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:07,567
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO RUIN A PRETTY FACE,

143
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,930
SO I JUST THOUGHT
IF I PUT A MUSTACHE ON IT,

144
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,067
IT'S LESS PRETTY.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

145
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:11,127
I WAS JUST PITCHING
AN IDEA.

146
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,397
I DID NOT MEAN
TO RUIN THE MOMENT

147
00:06:12,433 --> 00:06:14,833
OR THE MOMENTUM
OR ANYTHING, SO I'M SORRY,

148
00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:16,627
AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

149
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:19,067
WE OKAY?

150
00:06:21,333 --> 00:06:23,773
- SO I GUESS NOW THE FUN
IS REALLY OVER.

151
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,330
THE THREE OF YOU HAVE SCREWED ME
OVER FOR THE LAST TIME,

152
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:28,327
AND I'M NOT A MAN
WHO LIKES TO BE SCREWED WITH.

153
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:32,927
AND SO, MY FRIENDS,
I BID YOU A FOND ADIEU.

154
00:06:32,967 --> 00:06:36,867
- WAIT.
COULD WE HAVE AN A-DON'T?

155
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:40,270
[all chuckling]

156
00:06:45,933 --> 00:06:48,903
[mellow acoustic guitar music]

157
00:06:48,933 --> 00:06:50,973
*

158
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:55,070
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT SOME DATA.

159
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,300
THERE WE GO.

160
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,373
NOW I THINK SIGNS
WOULD BE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE

161
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,670
AT GETTING PEOPLE'S ATTENTION

162
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,200
IF THEY ADDED
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THEM.

163
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:05,273
LIKE, SAY, STOP,
IF IT WAS LIKE, "PSSST...STOP."

164
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,570
[laughter]

165
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,070
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

166
00:07:08,067 --> 00:07:09,067
"YOU'RE, LIKE,
WHISPERING THIS TO ME.

167
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:10,300
"IT'S VERY INTIMATE.

168
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:11,573
I SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
I SHOULD STOP RIGHT HERE."

169
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,100
OR YIELD.

170
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,973
IF IT WAS LIKE,
"FREE BEER!!! YIELD."

171
00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,703
KEEP OFF GRASS.

172
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:21,503
"BOOBS.
KEEP OFF GRASS."

173
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,403
[laughter]

174
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,873
THAT ONE'S REALLY GOOD,
'CAUSE IT ALSO MEANS,

175
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:26,730
LIKE, DON'T RUB YOUR BOOBS
IN THE GRASS.

176
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,067
[laughter]

177
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,800
YOU DON'T WANT BOOB MARKS
ON THE GRASS.

178
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,673
YOU'RE GONNA RIP UP
THE TURF,

179
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:34,300
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE COLD.

180
00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:37,673
[laughter]

181
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:40,900
OKAY, THIS IS HOW INTERESTED
YOU ARE IN YOUR KIDS.

182
00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:44,073
AND THIS IS HOW INTERESTED
I AM IN YOUR KIDS.

183
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:48,167
[laughter]

184
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,300
THANKS.

185
00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:52,273
ALL RIGHT, NEXT.

186
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:53,600
GRILLED CHEESE.

187
00:07:53,633 --> 00:07:55,503
NOW, I NOTICED
THAT NOBODY EVER REALLY TALKS

188
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:57,603
ABOUT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
UNLESS THEY WANT ONE.

189
00:07:57,633 --> 00:07:59,133
[laughter]

190
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,567
THIS IS PEOPLE WHO WANT
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES,

191
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,900
AND THIS IS TALK ABOUT.

192
00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:06,233
YOU DON'T REALLY HEAR PEOPLE
BEING LIKE,

193
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,397
"OH, MAN, YOU REMEMBER
THAT GRILLED CHEESE

194
00:08:08,433 --> 00:08:11,173
"IN THE SUMMER OF 2004?

195
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,730
OH, YEAH, THE SUMMER
OF GRILLED CHEESE."

196
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,527
THAT'S THE INTERESTING AREA
RIGHT HERE.

197
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,367
THIS IS THAT PART BLOWN UP.

198
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,500
THAT'S PEOPLE WHO TALK
ABOUT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES

199
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,103
BUT DON'T WANT ONE.

200
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:25,303
IT'S VERY RARE.

201
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:28,733
WHAT'S REALLY INTERESTING
IS RIGHT NOW,

202
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,197
I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

203
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,470
[funky jazz music]

204
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:45,500
*

205
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,773
- HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO
FOR ATTENTION.

206
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,070
OUCH, OUCH.
OH, OW, OW.

207
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,870
- * SOMETIMES
YOU NEED A SMILE *

208
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,570
* A CANINE FRIEND
CAN MAKE YOU SMILE *

209
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:16,933
* BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

210
00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:22,403
- YES.

211
00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:25,603
I UNDERSTAND.

212
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:28,103
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING.

213
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:31,233
- WHAT HAPPENED?

214
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:34,067
- [sighs]
THAT WAS AUNT SUE.

215
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:35,600
NANA JUST PASSED.

216
00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:36,973
- I'M SO SORRY.

217
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,367
[Bruce barks]

218
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:45,067
NOT NOW, BRUCE.

219
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,527
- HE'S DRESSED
JUST LIKE HER.

220
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,470
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

221
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:05,427
- YOU'RE DRINKING AGAIN?

222
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:09,427
- WE'RE GONNA LOSE THE HOUSE.

223
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:11,627
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO, TAKE ANOTHER JOB?

224
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,297
- NO.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

225
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,173
I-I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

226
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,770
WE DON'T HAVE
ANY OTHER OPTIONS.

227
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,870
- MAYBE WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO HAVE THIS BABY.

228
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:25,100
[Bruce barks]

229
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,303
NOT NOW, BRUCE.
- GOD DAMN IT, BRUCE!

230
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:32,803
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

231
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,903
- BRUCE.

232
00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:37,873
HEY.

233
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,030
CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?

234
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,370
BRUCE...

235
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,400
I KNOW I WAS
A LITTLE HARD ON YOU BEFORE.

236
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,433
I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

237
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,367
BUT LISTEN.

238
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,900
THERE'S A RIGHT TIME
TO JOKE AROUND

239
00:10:54,933 --> 00:10:56,273
AND A WRONG TIME
TO JOKE AROUND.

240
00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:00,270
AM I MAKING ANY SENSE?

241
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,600
BRUCE, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

242
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:05,603
COME ON.

243
00:11:05,633 --> 00:11:06,873
YOU GOTTA TURN IT OFF.

244
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,470
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

245
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,130
YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT NOW.

246
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:13,067
BRUCE, LET ME EXPLAIN IT
THIS WAY.

247
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:16,067
COME ON!
ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?

248
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:17,697
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

249
00:11:17,733 --> 00:11:20,103
YOU'RE GONNA DEADPAN ME?

250
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,973
I'M NOT YOUR AUDIENCE.

251
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,867
HA HA HA HA.

252
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,930
BRUCE IS A CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

253
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:28,097
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

254
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,433
I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE VERY THING

255
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:33,397
THAT'S THE PROBLEM,
AND YOU'RE DOING IT.

256
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:34,533
JESUS, BRUCE.

257
00:11:34,567 --> 00:11:36,567
I MEAN,
THAT'S JUST OFFENSIVE.

258
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,870
DO YOU SEE ANYBODY LAUGHING?

259
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,430
I DON'T HEAR
ANY LAUGHTER.

260
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,227
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THIS JOKE IS.

261
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,927
WHAT'S YOUR CONCEPT?

262
00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:44,967
SOCCER CLOWN KING?

263
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,167
YOU'RE THE SOCCER CLOWN KING?

264
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,600
HEY, EVERYBODY,
THE SOCCER CLOWN KING'S HERE.

265
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:51,933
WE'RE GONNA TALK
ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

266
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,067
TAKE IT OFF.

267
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:55,867
THANK YOU. NOW...
GOD DAMN IT!

268
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,630
OKAY, FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

269
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,767
ALIENATE EVERYBODY, BRUCE.

270
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,470
GOOD LUCK.
BYE!

271
00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:06,597
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG

272
00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:09,503
[cheers and applause]

273
00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:11,373
- * THIS IS A SKETCH

274
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,370
- * YES, IT IS

275
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,270
- * THIS IS A SKETCH

276
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,500
- * THAT'S RIGHT

277
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:16,803
- * THIS IS A SKETCH

278
00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:18,073
- * SKETCH IT UP

279
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,300
- * IT'S A SKETCH
- * SKETCH

280
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:20,673
[cheers and applause]

281
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,470
- I'M VERY EXCITED
ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT.

282
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,570
UM, HE IS A MAN WHO--

283
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,300
YOU LIKE TO GET WOMEN'S
ATTENTION, I UNDERSTAND.

284
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:29,973
- YEAH.
- AND HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

285
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,567
- I USUALLY JUST YELL AT THEM
OUT OF MY CAR WINDOW.

286
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,500
[laughter]

287
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:35,833
- WHAT KINDS OF THINGS
DO YOU YELL?

288
00:12:35,867 --> 00:12:38,197
- UH, USUALLY, LIKE,
"NICE ASS"

289
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:40,073
OR "WHERE ARE YOU HEADING?"

290
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,167
OR, LIKE...

291
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,100
[whistles and smooches]

292
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,833
- AND WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?

293
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,427
- I'M LOOKING
FOR A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP--

294
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:51,127
[laughter]

295
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:52,327
THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.

296
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,827
- DOES YOUR CAR
HAVE TINTED WINDOWS?

297
00:12:53,867 --> 00:12:56,427
- YEAH. YEAH.

298
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:59,067
REALLY DARK TINT.

299
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:01,367
BUT I ROLL--I ROLL DOWN.

300
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,070
- YOU ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN.
- YEAH, I'M NOT A CREEP.

301
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,227
[laughter]

302
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:08,297
- WHY IS ATTENTION IMPORTANT?

303
00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:09,673
- ATTENTION?

304
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,670
ATTENTION--IF YOU GIVE
A LOT OF ATTENTION,

305
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,070
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
LOT OF THINGS,

306
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:19,867
YOU CAN FIGURE OUT
LOT OF THINGS,

307
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:23,330
AND IT HELPS YOU
TO GET AHEAD AGAIN.

308
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,170
[quirky piano music]

309
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:40,200
*

310
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,433
- HOW YOU DOING?

311
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,800
[balloon pops]

312
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,870
[balloons popping]

313
00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:16,533
SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN APPLE.

314
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:17,897
[cheers and applause]

315
00:14:17,933 --> 00:14:20,073
THERE ARE A LOT
OF WAYS TO GET ATTENTION THAT,

316
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,927
DEPENDING ON HOW
AND WHEN YOU USE THEM,

317
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:23,967
CAN BE GOOD, BAD,
OR INTERESTING.

318
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,227
I'LL SHOW YOU
IN A SEGMENT CALLED

319
00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:27,627
"GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING."

320
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:28,797
HERE WE GO.

321
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:31,103
PROPOSING A TOAST.

322
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:33,073
GOOD--
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN.

323
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,400
BAD--YOU'RE THE BARTENDER
AT A WEDDING.

324
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:38,403
[laughter]

325
00:14:38,433 --> 00:14:40,633
INTERESTING--
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE A DOCTOR

326
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,967
YOUR URINE SAMPLE.

327
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:46,567
[laughter and applause]

328
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,067
OKAY, PULLING A FIRE ALARM.

329
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:55,267
GOOD--IN A FIRE.

330
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,100
BAD--WHEN YOU'RE BORED.

331
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,373
[laughter]

332
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,600
INTERESTING--
TO WAKE UP YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

333
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:04,333
[laughter]

334
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,167
BEING NAKED.

335
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,870
GOOD--YOU'RE A BABY.

336
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,800
BAD--
YOU'RE DELIVERING A BABY.

337
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:14,533
[laughter]

338
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:15,697
INTERESTING--

339
00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:19,873
YOU'RE DELIVERING
A BABY RUTH.

340
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:23,070
"HERE'S YOUR CANDY BAR.

341
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:26,367
OOPS."

342
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,970
PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING
AT YOU.

343
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,627
GOOD--
YOU TOLD A JOKE.

344
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:35,067
BAD--
YOU READ A POEM.

345
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,367
[laughter]

346
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,200
INTERESTING--
YOU WOKE UP FROM A COMA.

347
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,903
[laughter and applause]

348
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,330
FLIRTING.

349
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:55,197
GOOD--
TRYING TO GET A DATE.

350
00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:59,173
BAD--TRYING TO GET OUT
OF SEXUAL-HARASSMENT CHARGES.

351
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,570
[laughter]

352
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,430
[laughs]

353
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:08,467
"COME ON, BABY.
IT WAS NOTHING."

354
00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:12,803
INTERESTING--
YOU'RE IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

355
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,633
[laughter]

356
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,327
NOTHING TO LOSE.

357
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:22,527
[slow acoustic guitar music]

358
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:27,827
*

359
00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:30,427
- * I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO THIS GUY *

360
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:31,927
* FOR A WHILE

361
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:36,797
* AND I DON'T KNOW
HIS NAME *

362
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:40,573
* I'VE MET HIM
SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE *

363
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,430
* AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT
HIS NAME *

364
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,067
* AGAIN

365
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,267
* HE KNOWS MINE

366
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,730
* HE KEEPS SAYING IT
IN THE CONVERSATION *

367
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:51,867
* NO PROBLEM

368
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:55,770
* JUST AVOID THE TOPIC

369
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,970
* UH-OH

370
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,897
* HERE COMES SOMEONE ELSE
I KNOW *

371
00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:00,303
* UH-OH

372
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:04,073
* HEADED STRAIGHT
FOR THE CONVERSATION *

373
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:06,927
* I'LL BE FORCED
TO INTRODUCE THESE TWO *

374
00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:08,467
* AND WHAT'S THIS GUY'S NAME?

375
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,530
* I DON'T KNOW
HIS NAME EITHER *

376
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,397
* OH, NO

377
00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:14,273
* WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

378
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:21,570
*

379
00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:42,733
- HI, I'M DAN.
- HI. NATHAN.

380
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,567
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- GOOD TO MEET YOU.

381
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,500
- IT'S A FLAG ENHANCER.

382
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,073
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A FLAG,

383
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,067
BUT YOU WANT TO DRAW
MORE ATTENTION TO IT.

384
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,927
JUST PUT THIS
ON THE END OF IT.

385
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:28,697
OR YOU COULD PUT YOUR NAME
ON IT.

386
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,703
THEN IT'S, LIKE,
AMERICA AND GARY.

387
00:18:30,733 --> 00:18:33,073
YOU JUST KIND OF PIGGYBACK
THE ATTENTION AMERICA'S GETTING.

388
00:18:33,067 --> 00:18:35,297
OR YOU COULD PUT
A BUNCH OF THEM TOGETHER.

389
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:37,403
AMERICA AND GARY RULES, YEAH!

390
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,073
THESE ARE NEAR-HEAD FIREWORKS.

391
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,667
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE BALD,

392
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,670
AND YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION
AWAY FROM THAT.

393
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,170
INSTEAD OF PUTTING
ON A TOUPEE,

394
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,370
BECAUSE THAT LOOKS LAME,
YOU JUST USE THESE.

395
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,300
IT'S A LITTLE JET
THAT'S IN YOUR SHIRT

396
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:51,503
THAT SHOOTS TINY FIREWORKS OUT
THAT EXPLODE NEAR YOUR HEAD.

397
00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,073
NOW PEOPLE ARE LOOKING
AT THE FIREWORKS,

398
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,667
NOT AT YOUR HEAD.

399
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,670
YOU COULD ALSO GO WITH ANOTHER
OPTION, BUT THAT INVOLVES BEES.

400
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,500
IT'S A LITTLE MORE DANGEROUS.

401
00:18:59,533 --> 00:19:01,233
EITHER WAY,
YOU LOOK INTERESTING.

402
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:04,367
THIS NEXT THING IS GOOD
FOR A PARTY.

403
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,900
SOMETIMES YOU'RE
IN A CONVERSATION,

404
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,803
BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO SEND
A TEXT MESSAGE TO SOMEONE.

405
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:10,103
THEN THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING
TO GETS ALL MAD,

406
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:12,733
BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM.

407
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,127
THAT SUCKS.

408
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:15,897
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION.

409
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:18,433
IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS
FOREHEAD TEXTER.

410
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:21,567
IT PROJECTS YOUR TEXT
ONTO THE PERSON'S FACE.

411
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,070
SO NOW YOU CAN KEEP UP
WITH YOUR TEXT MESSAGE

412
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,070
AND THE CONVERSATION
YOU'RE IN AT THE SAME TIME.

413
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,897
YOU LOOK REALLY ATTENTIVE,

414
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,473
WHILE ALSO SENDING
A TEXT MESSAGE.

415
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,100
BUT BE CAREFUL.

416
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:32,273
IF IT GOES TOO LOW,
IT COULD GET IN THE PERSON'S EYE

417
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,800
AND THEN BURN THEIR EYE
OR SOMETHING.

418
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:35,973
THE FOREHEAD TEXTER,

419
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,897
ONLY FROM
IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS.

420
00:19:37,933 --> 00:19:39,903
YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.

421
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,333
AND NOW A SELECTION

422
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,497
FROM THE SHORT
ATTENTION SPAN LIBRARY.

423
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:44,833
[cheers and applause]

424
00:19:44,867 --> 00:19:46,227
I'D LIKE TO READ YOU
SOME STORIES

425
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:48,827
FROM THE LITTLE BOOK
OF LITTLE STORIES.

426
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:51,297
[laughter]

427
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:57,403
"ONE AFTERNOON,
A POWERFUL WIZARD SAT DOWN

428
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,733
"AFTER MIXING
HIS MOST POWERFUL POTION,

429
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,967
AND HE REALIZED
THAT WIZARDS NEVER GET LAID."

430
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,730
[laughter]

431
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,327
"SO HE STARTED A BAND."

432
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:10,567
[laughter]

433
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,130
"ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A MAGICAL GOOSE

434
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,967
"WHO COULD LAY GOLDEN EGGS.

435
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,370
"NOT KNOWING
THAT GOLDEN EGGS WERE VALUABLE,

436
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,570
SHE WENT
AND HAD HER TUBES TIED."

437
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,100
[laughter]

438
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:25,173
"WHEN SHE FOUND OUT
THAT THE EGGS WERE VALUABLE,

439
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,670
SHE WAS PISSED."

440
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,300
[laughter]

441
00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:32,003
"THREE BEARS
WENT TO A MARKET.

442
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:33,303
"WHILE THEY WERE GONE,

443
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,333
"A LITTLE GIRL
WENT INTO THEIR HOUSE.

444
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:38,567
"MEANWHILE, AT THE MARKET,
PEOPLE WERE FREAKING OUT

445
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,430
BECAUSE THERE WERE
THREE BEARS THERE."

446
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:43,467
[laughter]

447
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:47,330
"THE BEARS
WERE SHOT AND KILLED."

448
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:51,927
[laughter]

449
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:53,627
"AFTER GOING THROUGH YEARS
OF LITIGATION

450
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,067
"TO GET ROYALTIES DUE TO HIM,

451
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:58,370
"THE GUY WHO COINED THE TERM
'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

452
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,930
LIVED REASONABLY WELL
FOR A WHILE."

453
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:02,527
[laughter]

454
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:05,127
THE END.

455
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:06,897
[cheers and applause]

456
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:15,133
- SEAT BELT.

457
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:20,427
[groans]
COME ON. COME ON.

458
00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:22,267
GOTTA GET HOME.

459
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,300
COME ON.

460
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:35,103
SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.

461
00:21:35,133 --> 00:21:39,603
I SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.

462
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,573
[horn honks]