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00:00:04,203 --> 00:00:07,673
There comes a time
in everyone's life
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00:00:07,706 --> 00:00:10,576
when he or she
must ask themselves
3
00:00:10,609 --> 00:00:14,247
some very important
questions:
4
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:15,481
Who am I?
5
00:00:15,514 --> 00:00:16,682
What am I?
6
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Where did I come from?
7
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As I remember it,
I started life
8
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down the road most traveled.
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00:00:24,490 --> 00:00:25,657
[pop]
10
00:00:25,691 --> 00:00:28,593
Ha ha! Here we are.
11
00:00:28,627 --> 00:00:29,829
- Whoops!
- Baby: Ooh!
12
00:00:29,862 --> 00:00:33,199
Whoa-ho.
Sorry there, little tyke.
13
00:00:33,232 --> 00:00:35,301
Mrs. Riley, congratulations.
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You are the proud mother
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of a beautiful
7 1/2-pound baby--
16
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Doctor, come quick.
There's an emergency
in Ward G.
17
00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:44,143
Well, is it a boy
or a girl?
18
00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:46,145
No time.
Look for yourself.
19
00:00:46,178 --> 00:00:47,413
Whoop.
20
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:50,315
It's Pat.
21
00:00:50,349 --> 00:00:51,550
Uhh.
22
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,252
♪ [piano]
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00:00:53,285 --> 00:00:55,620
♪ A lot of people
say andquot;What's that?
24
00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:57,256
♪ It's Pat ♪
25
00:00:57,289 --> 00:00:59,092
♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪
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00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,560
♪ Accept him or her ♪
27
00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:03,229
♪ For whatever it might be ♪
28
00:01:03,262 --> 00:01:05,631
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
29
00:01:05,664 --> 00:01:07,567
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
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00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,601
♪ [scatting]
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00:02:07,893 --> 00:02:09,596
♪ [continues]
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♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
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00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:24,144
♪ Here comes Pat ♪
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♪ Here comes Pat ♪
35
00:02:29,615 --> 00:02:31,251
♪ Pow ♪
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00:02:33,419 --> 00:02:36,222
Pat, narrating:
Hi. That's me in
the fourth grade.
37
00:02:36,255 --> 00:02:38,191
Oh, on the right.
38
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:41,260
Will you be
my valentine, Pat?
39
00:02:41,293 --> 00:02:42,962
What?
40
00:02:42,995 --> 00:02:46,833
Are you
kind of confused today?
41
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:50,469
I was always very popular.
42
00:02:50,502 --> 00:02:53,806
Pat, will you
be my valentine?
43
00:02:53,839 --> 00:02:55,641
Oh, I'm sure.
44
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:59,279
Why don't you take
a reality pill?
45
00:03:00,546 --> 00:03:03,583
Terry is my valentine.
46
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:06,619
[giggling]
47
00:03:06,652 --> 00:03:08,821
By the time I reached
high school,
48
00:03:08,854 --> 00:03:10,823
I was confident,
and I thought
49
00:03:10,856 --> 00:03:13,559
I'd figured out all
of life's big questions.
50
00:03:13,592 --> 00:03:17,597
To me it was the adults
who seemed confused
51
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,802
Have a nice day.
52
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,606
Then I reached maturity.
53
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:28,674
I finally found a job
that allowed me
54
00:03:28,707 --> 00:03:31,644
to take full advantage
of my special people skills.
55
00:03:31,677 --> 00:03:33,412
Here comes the mail.
56
00:03:33,445 --> 00:03:36,215
Boy, this is
the career for me.
57
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,287
Oh.
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00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,555
Eileen.
59
00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:44,323
Prepare yourself.
60
00:03:44,356 --> 00:03:46,025
That battle-axe
mother-in-law of yours
61
00:03:46,058 --> 00:03:47,692
is gonna come
for a whole month.
62
00:03:47,726 --> 00:03:50,563
And, uh,
you're being audited.
63
00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:52,332
Hope you get to keep
your home.
64
00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:05,878
The world was my oyster.
65
00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:08,481
But then I turned 33,
66
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:11,817
and, like many great figures
in history before me,
67
00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:14,287
it was a year
that changed my life
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00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,723
as I knew it forever.
69
00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:20,926
How long have we known
each other, Pat?
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00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:23,062
Four and a half days.
71
00:04:23,095 --> 00:04:24,864
Let's make it five.
72
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:27,466
Got a complaint
from Mr. and Mrs. Kogan.
73
00:04:27,499 --> 00:04:29,702
Seems you opened a letter
from their son
74
00:04:29,735 --> 00:04:31,470
and you told them he was gay.
75
00:04:31,503 --> 00:04:33,673
That's right.
I say that's life.
76
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,641
Move on, accept.
77
00:04:35,674 --> 00:04:37,743
That's a federal offense,
Pat.
78
00:04:37,776 --> 00:04:39,879
Being gay?
79
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:42,614
Opening someone else's mail.
80
00:04:42,648 --> 00:04:45,751
Oh.
81
00:04:45,784 --> 00:04:46,986
Well, I'm looking forward
82
00:04:47,019 --> 00:04:48,387
to the sorting seminar
this weekend.
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00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:49,588
You're fired.
84
00:04:49,621 --> 00:04:51,291
What?
85
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:55,027
What I mean to say is
86
00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,697
there's nothing wrong
with your work per se.
87
00:04:57,730 --> 00:05:01,901
It's just that I kind of
have to let you go.
88
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:04,036
But I don't
want to be fired.
89
00:05:04,069 --> 00:05:05,471
I didn't think you would.
90
00:05:05,504 --> 00:05:09,442
You're not, uh,
disgruntled, are you?
91
00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:10,743
No.
92
00:05:10,776 --> 00:05:13,546
You're fired.
93
00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,014
Madness!
94
00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:18,484
Whenever I lose a job,
95
00:05:18,517 --> 00:05:20,686
I like to forget
about my problems
96
00:05:20,719 --> 00:05:23,522
and help others--
say a neighbor in need.
97
00:05:23,555 --> 00:05:25,057
Pat, can I help you?
98
00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:27,493
Oh. Hi, Kathy.
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00:05:27,526 --> 00:05:29,528
Every time I look
in your front window,
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00:05:29,561 --> 00:05:32,364
I notice the clock
on your VCR is blinking.
101
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,767
I could fix that
for you in a jiffy.
102
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,002
Oh, uh, okay,
if you want to.
103
00:05:37,035 --> 00:05:38,771
Well, I can't do it
right now.
104
00:05:38,804 --> 00:05:41,039
I have to come back
when it's convenient for me.
105
00:05:41,073 --> 00:05:42,407
[chuckling]
106
00:05:45,944 --> 00:05:47,080
[humming]
107
00:05:50,549 --> 00:05:52,150
Hi, Tippy.
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00:05:52,184 --> 00:05:54,687
Oh. Oh, Pat.
What do you want?
109
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:55,921
I just thought
I'd stop by
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00:05:55,954 --> 00:05:57,690
and pick up a few
personal items.
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00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,458
Oh, no, no, no.
Please, remember?
112
00:05:59,491 --> 00:06:02,027
No, I don't want to know
about your sex life, okay?
113
00:06:02,060 --> 00:06:03,896
I just want to get
a few toiletries.
114
00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:06,899
Uh, first of all,
I need some protection.
115
00:06:06,932 --> 00:06:08,634
Oh, dear God. Okay.
All right.
116
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:09,869
From underarm wetness.
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I'm never one to offend.
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00:06:12,671 --> 00:06:14,540
2.50, then, all right?
And you're out.
119
00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:16,075
What am I, in a race?
Whoa.
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Well, kind of. It's late.
121
00:06:17,709 --> 00:06:18,878
And I need a lubricant.
122
00:06:18,911 --> 00:06:20,646
What?
123
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,181
For my eyes.
They're drying up,
124
00:06:22,214 --> 00:06:24,450
due to the pollen
and dust in the air.
125
00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:25,918
Oh. Oh, great.
126
00:06:25,951 --> 00:06:27,820
Help me, someone.
Just help me.
127
00:06:27,853 --> 00:06:30,723
And I need
some feminine napkins.
128
00:06:30,756 --> 00:06:33,025
Oh, I'm in hell.
I am in hell now.
129
00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:34,460
You never
know when Aunt Wilma's
130
00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,728
going to stop by
for lunch.
131
00:06:35,761 --> 00:06:37,630
Thank you.
That's it, all right?
132
00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:39,064
- Guess so.
- Okay.
133
00:06:39,097 --> 00:06:40,633
There you go. It's yours.
134
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:42,001
Okay. Don't you want me--
135
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Go now. Just go on--
136
00:06:43,235 --> 00:06:44,637
...pay or anything?
137
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:46,539
No, it's on me.
Go ahead and go now.
138
00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:47,973
Okay? You're gone.
Bye-bye now.
139
00:06:48,006 --> 00:06:49,142
Bye.
140
00:06:52,644 --> 00:06:55,714
Tippy was clearly
unhappy in her job.
141
00:06:55,747 --> 00:06:57,483
Well, so are most people.
142
00:06:57,516 --> 00:06:59,952
Not me. I was
free as a bird.
143
00:06:59,985 --> 00:07:01,721
Girl:
...a very busy day.
144
00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:13,566
Man: I saw the guy.
They built right on him.
145
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,001
[laughter, chatter]
146
00:07:16,568 --> 00:07:18,738
Hey. How you doing?
147
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:24,109
Houston, we're proceeding
onto Silver Lake Drive...
148
00:07:24,142 --> 00:07:27,046
past the magazine stand.
You copy?
149
00:07:40,225 --> 00:07:41,761
Ah-choo!
150
00:07:46,231 --> 00:07:49,068
[speaking Japanese]
151
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:50,603
...fella.
152
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,972
[speaking Japanese]
153
00:07:59,978 --> 00:08:01,881
[speaking Japanese]
154
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,127
[blender starts]
155
00:08:24,736 --> 00:08:27,673
Hey, sprechen-sie
Americano, por favor.
156
00:08:27,706 --> 00:08:28,841
[chuckling]
157
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:37,216
Let me give you
a piece of advice, Kathy.
158
00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:38,751
Hello.
159
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:40,218
Don't ever work
in the restaurant business.
160
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,221
They just expect you
to serve people.
161
00:08:42,254 --> 00:08:44,056
[chuckling] I quit.
162
00:08:44,089 --> 00:08:45,724
Pat, I'm in a towel.
163
00:08:45,757 --> 00:08:47,693
Should I be embarrassed?
164
00:08:47,726 --> 00:08:49,562
Uh...
165
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:51,230
What the hell
is in your nose?
166
00:08:51,263 --> 00:08:52,831
Oh, tissues.
167
00:08:52,864 --> 00:08:55,234
I have allergies
and sniffles.
168
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:58,304
You know, there are
millions and millions
of microscopic dust mites
169
00:08:58,337 --> 00:08:59,805
that live all over your body,
170
00:08:59,838 --> 00:09:01,839
and conceivably
they can crawl up your nose
171
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:04,310
and lay eggs in your brain.
172
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,277
Yeah, I've heard that, Pat.
173
00:09:06,311 --> 00:09:07,846
Why don't you
just leave them in?
174
00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,114
No, it's all right.
175
00:09:09,147 --> 00:09:11,016
Pat, we have to have
a little chat, okay?
176
00:09:11,049 --> 00:09:13,651
You can't just barge in here
whenever you want to, okay?
177
00:09:13,685 --> 00:09:15,654
I'm trying to get ready
for a date, all right?
178
00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:17,189
And we really barely
know each other.
179
00:09:17,222 --> 00:09:18,757
Oh. Well, you said
180
00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:21,193
you wanted me to set
the clock on your VCR.
181
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:23,862
Once, Pat. I said it
once in passing.
182
00:09:23,895 --> 00:09:25,031
Uh...
183
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,033
Well,
it's really very simple.
184
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:30,035
Any moron could do it.
185
00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:32,137
So you finally
got a date, huh?
186
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,339
Ha ha. Yeah. Lucky me.
187
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:34,806
[beep]
188
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,343
So what's his name
anyway?
189
00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,911
That's none of your business,
Pat, okay?
190
00:09:39,945 --> 00:09:41,747
I'm going to draw
a little boundary.
191
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:44,617
I understand. You're a little
sensitive on that topic.
192
00:09:47,319 --> 00:09:50,255
So did I tell you
I'm unemployed?
193
00:09:50,288 --> 00:09:52,958
Yeah, about, uh, 400 times.
194
00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:55,194
Say, do you think you could
make an announcement about it
195
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,630
at the radio station?
196
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,131
Absolutely not.
197
00:09:59,164 --> 00:10:01,199
All right,
well, think it over.
198
00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:03,102
But when you do
make the announcement,
199
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:06,038
let me know. I want
to tell my friends
to tune in.
200
00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:08,173
They don't listen
to your show normally.
201
00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:09,375
Oh.
202
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,647
Oh, I'm sorry. I got to go.
203
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:15,814
Do you?
204
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,151
You're my best friend,
Kathy.
205
00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:22,887
Oh, Am I?
206
00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:24,123
Uh...
207
00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:24,123
Okay.
208
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:25,357
Bye-bye now.
209
00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:26,726
Okay.
210
00:10:29,861 --> 00:10:32,297
Unfortunately, I was
forced to take a job
211
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:34,333
that was totally humiliating.
212
00:10:34,366 --> 00:10:36,802
I was beginning
to doubt my identity,
213
00:10:36,835 --> 00:10:38,671
my true purpose
in this world,
214
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:42,141
when suddenly the most
wonderful thing happened.
215
00:10:51,049 --> 00:10:54,752
Whoa. Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
216
00:10:54,786 --> 00:10:55,954
[chuckling]
217
00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:58,122
This thing
is set at 82 degrees.
218
00:10:58,156 --> 00:11:00,191
Haven't you people ever
heard of sweaters?
219
00:11:02,394 --> 00:11:04,196
Can I help you?
220
00:11:06,131 --> 00:11:09,300
Pat Riley,
Southland Gas Company.
221
00:11:09,334 --> 00:11:10,803
Uhh.
222
00:11:16,141 --> 00:11:17,309
[glass shatters]
223
00:11:17,342 --> 00:11:18,711
This is a disgrace.
224
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,145
Hasn't anybody checked this?
225
00:11:20,178 --> 00:11:22,314
[grunting]
226
00:11:22,347 --> 00:11:23,915
[glass shatters]
227
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:25,918
Excuse me. Um...
228
00:11:28,286 --> 00:11:29,988
Hello.
229
00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:32,056
Hi.
230
00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:33,358
Hi. I'm Chris.
231
00:11:33,391 --> 00:11:35,861
I'm--
I'm the bartender here.
232
00:11:35,894 --> 00:11:37,730
Hi. I'm Pat. I'm--
233
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:40,833
I'm your gas management
specialist and advisor.
234
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,134
Oh.
235
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,336
Well, pleased
to meet you...
236
00:11:44,369 --> 00:11:45,938
gorgeous.
237
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:48,874
The pleasure's all mine...
238
00:11:48,907 --> 00:11:50,176
you.
239
00:11:52,277 --> 00:11:53,412
Ahh!
240
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:16,769
What's a person like you
doing in a place like this?
241
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:19,238
You know, I ask myself
that all the time.
242
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:22,174
I mean, I've got a PhD
in cultural anthropology,
243
00:12:22,207 --> 00:12:24,910
but I just love bartending.
244
00:12:24,943 --> 00:12:27,045
I've been here
for ten years now,
245
00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:29,281
and I've
just heard so many
incredible stories
246
00:12:29,314 --> 00:12:31,349
and met so many
fascinating...
247
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:33,252
people.
248
00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:36,188
I wish I could find a job
I liked that much.
249
00:12:36,221 --> 00:12:38,457
Uh-huh.
250
00:12:36,221 --> 00:12:38,457
I'm overqualified
for Southland Gas.
251
00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:40,192
I'm already looking
for something else.
252
00:12:40,225 --> 00:12:42,928
I guess you could say
I'm a restless spirit,
253
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:44,830
a lover, a liver of life.
254
00:12:44,863 --> 00:12:48,434
I'm eternally searching
for something more.
255
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,335
Wow.
256
00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:55,574
I think you and I have
so much in common, Pat.
257
00:12:55,607 --> 00:12:58,177
Pat:
Do you like movies?
258
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,946
Yes. Yes, I do.
I love movies.
259
00:13:00,979 --> 00:13:02,815
Oh, do you know
what I specially love
260
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:04,282
are good movies.
261
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,518
You're kidding.
I love good movies, too.
262
00:13:06,551 --> 00:13:08,587
Really? Oh.
You know what I hate
263
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,022
are bad boring movies.
264
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,958
Me, too.
We're so alike.
265
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:14,126
[chuckle]
266
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,130
I think that dinner
is probably one
267
00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:20,465
of my favorite meals
of the day.
268
00:13:20,498 --> 00:13:22,234
Mine, too.
269
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:24,937
This is downright eerie.
270
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,272
Oh, you want to know
another thing I hate?
271
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:29,340
Senseless evil.
272
00:13:29,374 --> 00:13:31,076
I'm not even gonna tell you
273
00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:32,945
because
you won't believe it.
274
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,146
[whispering]
Me, too.
275
00:13:37,215 --> 00:13:38,884
Once I got it home,
276
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:40,619
I realized
I didn't like it.
277
00:13:40,652 --> 00:13:43,522
I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?
278
00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,024
So I took it back
and exchanged it
279
00:13:46,057 --> 00:13:48,093
for a delicious tan one.
280
00:13:48,126 --> 00:13:51,896
Uh, or brown, really.
[chuckling]
281
00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:53,131
Ohh.
282
00:13:53,164 --> 00:13:56,034
Pat, you've led such
an amazing life.
283
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:57,970
I find you-- I--
284
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,505
I find everything
about you
285
00:14:00,538 --> 00:14:02,541
endlessly fascinating.
286
00:14:02,574 --> 00:14:04,410
Join the club.
287
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:08,079
[Pat giggling]
288
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,919
Hey, is that
a big fan of yours?
289
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:16,055
That's my little joke.
290
00:14:17,589 --> 00:14:19,091
Oh!
291
00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:27,366
Take it easy, hon.
Take it easy.
292
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:29,434
- Ohh!
- Okay. All right.
293
00:14:29,467 --> 00:14:31,136
Are you all right,
294
00:14:31,169 --> 00:14:33,538
um, uh, you there?
295
00:14:33,571 --> 00:14:34,973
yeah, hon,
did you break anything?
296
00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:37,074
I crushed my nuts.
297
00:14:37,108 --> 00:14:38,443
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
298
00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:39,945
That's got to hurt.
299
00:14:39,978 --> 00:14:42,046
Oh, shoot.
300
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,950
There goes my afternoon snack.
301
00:14:44,983 --> 00:14:46,952
Chris: I know.
302
00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:48,320
[clatter]
303
00:14:48,353 --> 00:14:49,988
Who are you?
304
00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:52,991
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Kyle Jacobs,
305
00:14:53,024 --> 00:14:56,261
and this is my beautiful
wife Stacy.
306
00:14:56,294 --> 00:14:57,462
Hi.
307
00:14:57,495 --> 00:14:59,231
We just moved
into apartment 2F.
308
00:15:01,466 --> 00:15:03,302
I'm Chris. Hi.
309
00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:06,338
And this is Pat. Pat lives
across the way from you in 2B.
310
00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:09,074
2B or not 2B,
that is my apartment.
311
00:15:09,107 --> 00:15:11,076
Oh, boy.
312
00:15:11,109 --> 00:15:12,978
Oh, wow.
Come on, let's go.
313
00:15:13,011 --> 00:15:14,179
Okay.
314
00:15:14,212 --> 00:15:15,948
Stacy: Bye-bye.
315
00:15:17,282 --> 00:15:18,650
Strange couple.
316
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:21,586
You know,
you can't really tell.
317
00:15:21,619 --> 00:15:23,088
It's peculiar.
318
00:15:23,121 --> 00:15:24,389
Yeah, it's peculiar,
319
00:15:24,422 --> 00:15:27,592
yet wondrously provocative.
320
00:15:27,625 --> 00:15:29,194
[scoff]
321
00:15:29,227 --> 00:15:30,495
Kyle!
322
00:15:30,528 --> 00:15:31,730
What?
323
00:15:31,763 --> 00:15:33,565
Guy.
324
00:15:33,598 --> 00:15:36,068
Save that filth
for the bedroom.
325
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:40,205
[Pat, Chris moaning]
326
00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:43,742
Both: Will you marry me?
327
00:15:43,775 --> 00:15:45,477
Both: Yes.
328
00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:46,712
[laughing]
329
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:48,113
- Ahh.
- Uhh.
330
00:15:48,146 --> 00:15:49,548
You know something?
331
00:15:51,316 --> 00:15:53,652
I love to stroke
your pussy, Pat.
332
00:15:53,685 --> 00:15:55,087
I know.
333
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,089
Muffy likes it, too.
334
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,257
[meow]
335
00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:09,334
Hi, sunshine boy.
336
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:10,736
I am going
to the grocery store.
337
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,170
Can I get you anything?
338
00:16:12,203 --> 00:16:13,405
No. Thanks.
339
00:16:13,438 --> 00:16:14,606
Okay.
340
00:16:14,639 --> 00:16:16,375
- Nuts.
- Hmm?
341
00:16:16,408 --> 00:16:18,543
Uh, maybe some nuts.
342
00:16:18,576 --> 00:16:21,213
I've been having this weird
craving for nuts lately, okay?
343
00:16:21,246 --> 00:16:24,116
Okay. Nuts it is.
344
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,518
Oh. By the way, I was just
down in the laundry room,
345
00:16:26,551 --> 00:16:29,054
and I saw our weird
new neighbor Pat.
346
00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:31,156
What's Pat's laundry like?
347
00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,324
I don't know what Pat's
laundry is like.
348
00:16:33,358 --> 00:16:34,626
It's not like I go around
349
00:16:34,659 --> 00:16:36,194
looking at people's
dirty laundry.
350
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:40,699
What? There was, you know,
bras, panties,
351
00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:42,401
boxer shorts, jock straps.
352
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:44,603
Well, Pat was doing
laundry with Chris.
353
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,271
They're engaged.
354
00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:49,108
And we're invited
to the engagement party.
355
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,677
Great.
356
00:16:52,710 --> 00:16:55,280
Okay. Well, listen,
I got to go.
357
00:16:55,313 --> 00:16:57,182
Mmm.
358
00:16:57,215 --> 00:16:58,450
Bye.
359
00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:09,694
Kyle:
Pat, Pat, Pat.
360
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:11,063
- Ooh!
- [glass breaks]
361
00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:16,201
What's in a name like Pat?
362
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:18,736
One afternoon,
Chris surprised me
363
00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:20,271
by putting a new spin
on our relationship.
364
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:22,074
[snoring]
365
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:24,475
I thought we were so
clearly defined as a couple.
366
00:17:24,509 --> 00:17:27,312
Had we fallen into a certain
kind of role playing
367
00:17:27,345 --> 00:17:29,281
from which we could
never recover?
368
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:30,482
[snoring]
369
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:31,683
[chuckling]
370
00:17:31,716 --> 00:17:34,619
What an exquisitely lazy day.
371
00:17:34,652 --> 00:17:35,821
Yeah.
372
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,322
Well, you know,
it's Thursday.
373
00:17:37,355 --> 00:17:38,590
You know, my day off.
374
00:17:38,623 --> 00:17:40,125
Uh-huh.
375
00:17:40,158 --> 00:17:43,395
So I guess you've got
the day off, too, huh?
376
00:17:43,428 --> 00:17:45,297
Yeah. I got fired
377
00:17:45,330 --> 00:17:48,567
from that security guard job
down at the La Brea Tar Pits.
378
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,468
Those woolly mammoths
aren't kidding.
379
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:52,736
Once you get stuck in the tar,
you never get out.
380
00:17:52,770 --> 00:17:54,206
Uh-huh. Yeah.
381
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,440
Uh...
382
00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:57,476
gee, Pat, you know, I--
383
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,244
I can't believe
you lost another job.
384
00:17:59,277 --> 00:18:00,445
I just--
385
00:18:00,478 --> 00:18:02,180
Oh, come on.
386
00:18:02,213 --> 00:18:03,748
I work like a dog.
387
00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:05,716
I had 23 jobs
last year.
388
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:07,385
How many did you have?
389
00:18:07,418 --> 00:18:08,786
Just the one.
390
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:12,691
Then I'd hardly call you
a big job expert.
391
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:15,461
Pat, I think there's
something you should read.
392
00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:19,231
Uh, in this magazine,
393
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,399
uh, they have a new study,
394
00:18:21,432 --> 00:18:24,202
and they found that if you
don't have a satisfying career
395
00:18:24,235 --> 00:18:25,837
by the time you're
in your early thirties,
396
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:28,173
which you are, Pat,
397
00:18:28,206 --> 00:18:29,875
then you'll probably
never achieve
398
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:32,343
any sort of real happiness,
your marriage will fail,
399
00:18:32,377 --> 00:18:34,279
and your chances
of finding a good job
400
00:18:34,312 --> 00:18:35,813
are, uh, about as likely
as your chances
401
00:18:35,847 --> 00:18:37,482
of being
struck by lightning.
402
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,484
Well, actually,
being struck by lightning
403
00:18:39,517 --> 00:18:41,153
is more common than you think.
404
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,888
I've been struck three times.
405
00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:47,859
Pat, I think you might
be missing the point.
406
00:18:47,892 --> 00:18:49,427
Uh...
407
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:52,397
the point is, Pat,
408
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:54,699
that, um, if you can't
commit to a job,
409
00:18:54,732 --> 00:18:56,468
then how can I
possibly expect you
410
00:18:56,501 --> 00:18:58,370
to commit to, you know,
say, a marriage?
411
00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:01,240
Ouch. Point taken.
412
00:19:06,377 --> 00:19:08,947
You're right, I should
try even harder.
413
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:11,183
No, no. I, uh,
414
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,417
I shouldn't
have said anything.
415
00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:13,652
I shouldn't meddle.
416
00:19:13,685 --> 00:19:14,953
No, that's good, come on.
417
00:19:14,986 --> 00:19:16,354
No, no, I should--
418
00:19:16,387 --> 00:19:17,589
This is a relationship.
419
00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:19,391
You should talk.
420
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,293
Oh, Pat.
421
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,662
Come on. It's
a beautiful sunny day.
422
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,730
What do you say
we get up off our butts
423
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,599
and go do something?
424
00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:29,501
Oh, do you want to go
for a hike?
425
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:32,237
No. I know. Let's go
to the Burger Bag
426
00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:33,705
and get some fries.
427
00:19:33,738 --> 00:19:35,373
Okay, that's good. Yeah.
428
00:19:35,406 --> 00:19:36,774
- Come on.
- Let's do that. Okay.
429
00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:40,546
[giggling]
430
00:19:46,517 --> 00:19:53,692
Wednesday, August 2,
11:05 p.m.
431
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,360
Pat reads People magazine,
432
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:59,397
watches andquot;America's
Most Wanted,andquot;
433
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:02,935
writes in the computer.
434
00:20:09,407 --> 00:20:14,012
What a strange combination
of attraction and repulsion
435
00:20:14,045 --> 00:20:16,481
that I feel
for my neighbor Pat.
436
00:20:16,514 --> 00:20:19,016
I don't even know if Pat
is a man or a woman.
437
00:20:19,050 --> 00:20:21,853
Such a Sphinx-like riddle
438
00:20:21,886 --> 00:20:24,623
posed by the very
existence of Pat.
439
00:20:25,957 --> 00:20:28,827
Stacy:
Kyle? What are you
doing in there?
440
00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:30,861
Uh, nothing, honey.
441
00:20:30,895 --> 00:20:32,397
I'll be out in a minute.
442
00:20:32,430 --> 00:20:33,966
Okay.
443
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,401
[water running]
444
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:41,773
Uh-huh.
445
00:20:41,806 --> 00:20:44,509
[humming]
446
00:20:44,542 --> 00:20:46,410
Oh, my God,
this is it.
447
00:20:44,542 --> 00:20:46,410
Ahh!
448
00:20:47,712 --> 00:20:49,581
11:07.
449
00:20:49,614 --> 00:20:50,749
Urination.
450
00:21:06,097 --> 00:21:08,066
You never get through
a carton of O.J.
451
00:21:08,099 --> 00:21:09,501
before it expires.
452
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,336
Yeah. Me, either.
453
00:21:11,369 --> 00:21:13,038
What's up, Kyle?
454
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:16,573
Oh, I just wanted to show you
my new video camera here.
455
00:21:16,607 --> 00:21:17,976
Here-- Here's my new
video camera.
456
00:21:18,009 --> 00:21:19,444
- Uh-huh.
- I just got it.
457
00:21:19,477 --> 00:21:22,580
I could videotape
your honeymoon.
458
00:21:22,613 --> 00:21:25,583
I mean your
engagement party.
459
00:21:25,616 --> 00:21:27,386
Oh That'd be great.
460
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,620
[chatter]
461
00:21:29,654 --> 00:21:30,855
♪ [dance]
462
00:21:30,888 --> 00:21:32,024
It's good to go.
463
00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:37,361
Hey, I've lived in the same
building with Pat
464
00:21:37,395 --> 00:21:38,997
for seven years.
I still have no idea.
465
00:21:39,030 --> 00:21:40,498
Yeah. That's why I came.
466
00:21:40,531 --> 00:21:41,866
I thought maybe
this Chris person
467
00:21:41,899 --> 00:21:43,735
would give us
some kind of a clue.
468
00:21:43,768 --> 00:21:45,837
I thought I'd find out
about Chris when I met Pat.
469
00:21:45,870 --> 00:21:47,339
Look at it this way,
honey:
470
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:48,740
they're lucky to have
found each other.
471
00:21:48,773 --> 00:21:50,408
I guess there's
someone for everybody.
472
00:21:54,712 --> 00:21:56,014
Hi!
473
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:01,687
[giggling]
474
00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:06,725
Hey, you two.
475
00:22:06,758 --> 00:22:08,760
Here's a present
we got for you.
476
00:22:08,793 --> 00:22:11,062
Oh, looky what we got.
Attention, everybody!
477
00:22:11,095 --> 00:22:12,597
We got as present!
478
00:22:12,630 --> 00:22:13,798
[chuckling]
479
00:22:13,831 --> 00:22:14,966
Let's open it.
480
00:22:18,536 --> 00:22:20,105
- Oh!
- Oh!
481
00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:23,507
both:
This is something
we'll both enjoy.
482
00:22:23,541 --> 00:22:24,810
[laughing]
483
00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:28,513
Here, open mine.
484
00:22:28,546 --> 00:22:29,748
Ohh!
485
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,483
I should get married
more often!
486
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:32,884
Not if I can help it.
487
00:22:35,853 --> 00:22:37,522
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
488
00:22:37,555 --> 00:22:40,759
Now Chris will leave
my towels alone.
489
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:42,526
Oh, you,
you're incorrigible.
490
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,162
That's what you love
about me.
491
00:22:44,195 --> 00:22:45,562
It's true.
492
00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:46,998
You know
what I always say:
493
00:22:47,031 --> 00:22:49,400
we're made for each other.
[sputter]
494
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:50,668
Eww.
495
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:53,038
Oh, Pat.
496
00:22:55,573 --> 00:22:57,876
So, um, are you going
to change your name?
497
00:22:57,909 --> 00:22:59,844
- Which one are you asking?
- Either.
498
00:22:59,877 --> 00:23:01,446
No, no, no.
Pat and I don't believe
499
00:23:01,479 --> 00:23:02,647
in that kind of
sexist tradition.
500
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:03,948
Do we, hon?
501
00:23:03,981 --> 00:23:05,150
Ohh.
502
00:23:05,183 --> 00:23:06,584
But wouldn't it
be so romantic
503
00:23:06,617 --> 00:23:07,786
to have the same last name?
504
00:23:07,819 --> 00:23:09,988
Oh, gee, I don't know.
505
00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:11,589
What do you think?
Think we should?
506
00:23:11,622 --> 00:23:13,591
- I don't know. Do you?
- It's up to you.
507
00:23:13,624 --> 00:23:14,959
It's kind of your
decision.
508
00:23:14,992 --> 00:23:16,995
I really think
you should decide.
509
00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,764
Okay. I think this
is a conversation
510
00:23:19,797 --> 00:23:22,567
we should be having
at home.
511
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,101
Do it now.
512
00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:25,504
[chatter]
513
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,710
Okay, everybody,
we've got a little show.
514
00:23:33,177 --> 00:23:34,579
Uh, attention, everybody!
515
00:23:34,612 --> 00:23:36,748
This is my engagement party!
516
00:23:36,781 --> 00:23:38,183
[slurp]
517
00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:42,053
And now Chris and I
would like
518
00:23:42,086 --> 00:23:44,789
to sing a song for you.
[chuckling]
519
00:23:44,822 --> 00:23:45,989
We would?
520
00:23:46,023 --> 00:23:48,459
Yes, sir, the magic
of karaoke.
521
00:23:48,493 --> 00:23:49,660
Hit it!
522
00:23:49,694 --> 00:23:51,029
Pat--
523
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:52,563
[whispering]
I'll lead and you follow.
524
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,499
[music starts]
525
00:23:54,532 --> 00:24:01,606
♪ Everybody
loves somebody sometime ♪
526
00:24:01,639 --> 00:24:07,044
♪ Everybody
falls in love somehow ♪
527
00:24:07,078 --> 00:24:12,484
♪ Something in your kiss
just told me ♪
528
00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:14,919
♪ My sometime ♪
529
00:24:14,952 --> 00:24:16,120
Kyle?
530
00:24:16,153 --> 00:24:18,990
♪ Is now ♪
531
00:24:19,023 --> 00:24:22,494
People, you're talking again!
532
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:24,028
♪ [rock beat]
533
00:24:24,061 --> 00:24:26,630
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
534
00:24:26,664 --> 00:24:27,899
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
535
00:24:27,932 --> 00:24:30,201
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
536
00:24:30,234 --> 00:24:31,936
♪ Uhh ♪
537
00:24:31,969 --> 00:24:34,072
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
538
00:24:34,105 --> 00:24:35,573
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
539
00:24:35,606 --> 00:24:38,142
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
540
00:24:38,175 --> 00:24:39,844
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
541
00:24:39,877 --> 00:24:42,614
♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪
542
00:24:43,848 --> 00:24:45,683
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
543
00:24:45,716 --> 00:24:47,252
- Honey?
- What?
544
00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:49,020
Don't you think
you've had enough?
545
00:24:49,053 --> 00:24:51,189
No, I don't. I don't
think I'll ever have enough.
546
00:24:51,222 --> 00:24:55,827
Kyle, you have been
so strangely lately,
547
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:58,062
ever since we moved
into this building.
548
00:24:58,095 --> 00:25:00,932
Ever since we moved
here with Pat.
549
00:25:02,166 --> 00:25:03,768
What are you talking about?
550
00:25:03,801 --> 00:25:06,638
Stacy, that is a neighbor,
551
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,974
a person that lives
in the building, that's all.
552
00:25:10,007 --> 00:25:12,710
Yeah, well, why are you
so obsessed with him?
553
00:25:12,743 --> 00:25:15,280
Her? It?
554
00:25:15,313 --> 00:25:16,714
Obsessed?
555
00:25:16,747 --> 00:25:18,116
Yes.
556
00:25:18,149 --> 00:25:19,918
I think it's ruining
our life together.
557
00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:21,119
Mmm.
558
00:25:21,152 --> 00:25:23,121
Wouldn't that be wonderful
559
00:25:23,154 --> 00:25:24,956
if all the problems
of our relationship
560
00:25:24,989 --> 00:25:27,792
could be boiled down
to one pat answer.
561
00:25:29,827 --> 00:25:31,263
There you go again.
562
00:25:32,763 --> 00:25:35,198
An androgyne
has come between us.
563
00:25:35,232 --> 00:25:37,668
You know, it's weird.
564
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:38,837
It's almost as if--
565
00:25:40,838 --> 00:25:42,307
as if--
566
00:25:43,941 --> 00:25:45,877
Oh, God.
567
00:25:45,910 --> 00:25:48,079
You're in love with Pat,
aren't you?
568
00:25:48,112 --> 00:25:51,616
Whoa.
What are you, insane?
569
00:25:51,649 --> 00:25:53,717
Stacy, that's the most
ridiculous thing
570
00:25:53,751 --> 00:25:55,286
- I've ever heard.
- God!
571
00:25:55,319 --> 00:25:57,355
[sobbing]
572
00:25:57,388 --> 00:25:58,755
[door closes]
573
00:25:58,789 --> 00:25:59,958
Ohh...
574
00:25:59,991 --> 00:26:01,158
[sobbing]
575
00:26:01,192 --> 00:26:02,594
Love.
576
00:26:02,627 --> 00:26:04,596
What's love
got to do with this
577
00:26:04,629 --> 00:26:08,099
when you love something
you don't understand?
578
00:26:08,132 --> 00:26:11,169
Dear Diary: My performance
at the engagement party
579
00:26:11,202 --> 00:26:14,138
was a triumph. I know that
I've found my true calling.
580
00:26:14,171 --> 00:26:15,340
I'm an artist.
581
00:26:15,373 --> 00:26:16,741
Kyle: Ding-dong.
582
00:26:16,774 --> 00:26:17,941
Am I interrupting anything?
583
00:26:17,975 --> 00:26:19,944
Oh, no,
just keeping a record
584
00:26:19,977 --> 00:26:21,646
of my innermost
thoughts and feelings
585
00:26:21,679 --> 00:26:23,348
right here
in my laptop diary.
586
00:26:23,381 --> 00:26:25,617
Really? What kind of stuff
do you put in here?
587
00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:29,721
Oh, just anything
anyone could conceivably
want to know about me.
588
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:33,123
Wow. I know people who would
give anything to read this.
589
00:26:33,157 --> 00:26:35,659
No way, José.
This is raw, uncensored,
590
00:26:35,693 --> 00:26:37,662
and completely personal data.
591
00:26:37,695 --> 00:26:39,630
Do tell.
592
00:26:39,664 --> 00:26:40,831
So...
593
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,370
Oh, whoa, Pat.
594
00:26:45,403 --> 00:26:47,872
Is that a banana
in your pocket,
595
00:26:47,905 --> 00:26:50,708
or are you just happy
to see me?
596
00:26:50,741 --> 00:26:52,777
No, it's a banana.
597
00:26:52,810 --> 00:26:54,012
If you're hungry,
get your own.
598
00:26:54,045 --> 00:26:55,213
This is my snack.
599
00:26:55,246 --> 00:26:57,015
Fine, fine.
600
00:26:57,048 --> 00:26:59,183
Oh, Pat, listen,
I've got great news.
601
00:26:59,216 --> 00:27:02,219
You were so incredible
602
00:27:02,253 --> 00:27:03,721
the other night
at the karaoke bar
603
00:27:03,754 --> 00:27:06,057
that I sent my videotape
of your performance
604
00:27:06,090 --> 00:27:07,792
to one of those
home video TV shows,
605
00:27:07,825 --> 00:27:10,261
and they want to put you
on the air.
606
00:27:10,294 --> 00:27:12,196
Oh, that's great!
607
00:27:12,229 --> 00:27:14,098
All you have to do is
sign this release form.
608
00:27:14,131 --> 00:27:15,366
- Okay?
- Ohh!
609
00:27:15,399 --> 00:27:17,401
All right.
610
00:27:17,435 --> 00:27:18,870
Name.
611
00:27:18,903 --> 00:27:20,171
Okay.
612
00:27:20,204 --> 00:27:22,340
And this-- right there,
the andquot;Sex
613
00:27:22,373 --> 00:27:24,008
No, no problem.
614
00:27:24,041 --> 00:27:25,743
That's my joke.
615
00:27:25,776 --> 00:27:28,112
That's very funny, Pat.
Very funny.
616
00:27:28,145 --> 00:27:31,382
Uh, do you have
a driver's license?
617
00:27:31,415 --> 00:27:33,317
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
618
00:27:33,350 --> 00:27:35,086
Good.
619
00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:38,121
A dog got at it, but you can
still read the number.
620
00:27:38,155 --> 00:27:39,824
That's all they need.
621
00:27:39,857 --> 00:27:42,460
Yeah. Uh, do you have
a birth certificate?
622
00:27:42,493 --> 00:27:44,861
Uh, yes, I do, sir.
623
00:27:44,895 --> 00:27:46,264
Good,
good, good, good.
624
00:27:49,233 --> 00:27:51,168
Middlesex, New Jersey.
625
00:27:51,202 --> 00:27:53,838
The rest I can't make out.
626
00:27:53,871 --> 00:27:56,007
I know. Um...
627
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,209
do you have a photo
of you in the nude?
628
00:27:58,242 --> 00:27:59,476
What?
629
00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:01,045
I don't know why.
630
00:28:01,078 --> 00:28:02,413
But apparently
it's something to do
631
00:28:02,446 --> 00:28:05,416
with, like, uh,
requirements to be on TV.
632
00:28:05,449 --> 00:28:07,752
They needed a photo
of you in the nude,
633
00:28:07,785 --> 00:28:09,253
kind of, you know,
totally...
634
00:28:09,286 --> 00:28:10,988
I haven't had one
taken of me recently.
635
00:28:11,021 --> 00:28:12,790
Well,
I think any photo--
636
00:28:12,823 --> 00:28:14,892
They said any photo
in the nude would do.
637
00:28:14,925 --> 00:28:16,293
- I remember that now.
- I do have one.
638
00:28:16,327 --> 00:28:17,462
Good.
639
00:28:19,163 --> 00:28:21,132
I have to get this back.
It's kind of an heirloom.
640
00:28:21,165 --> 00:28:22,367
Just give it to me, Pat.
641
00:28:25,836 --> 00:28:27,839
That's...useless.
642
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:29,440
When am I going to be on TV?
643
00:28:29,473 --> 00:28:33,043
[phone rings]
644
00:28:33,077 --> 00:28:36,247
Hey, I'm gonna be on TV!
645
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,916
Hi. Did I tell you
I was going to be on TV?
646
00:28:38,949 --> 00:28:40,351
Oh, I did, huh?
647
00:28:40,384 --> 00:28:41,720
Okay, bye.
648
00:28:47,324 --> 00:28:48,893
Howdy, Tippy.
649
00:28:48,926 --> 00:28:50,428
Boy, do I have
something to tell you.
650
00:28:50,461 --> 00:28:51,896
What, Pat?
What do you want?
651
00:28:51,929 --> 00:28:54,332
I'm going to be on TV.
652
00:28:54,365 --> 00:28:56,167
Oh, dear God.
653
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:57,368
Well...
654
00:28:57,401 --> 00:29:00,004
[gurgling]
655
00:29:01,939 --> 00:29:03,441
Thursday night at 9.
656
00:29:05,176 --> 00:29:07,311
Thursday night at 9,
Channel 12--
657
00:29:07,344 --> 00:29:08,780
[gurgling]
658
00:29:10,114 --> 00:29:12,416
Guess what, Kathy.
I'm gonna be on TV.
659
00:29:12,449 --> 00:29:14,018
Who's there?
660
00:29:14,051 --> 00:29:15,820
Who do you think?
661
00:29:17,121 --> 00:29:18,289
Hey, you know what?
662
00:29:18,322 --> 00:29:20,123
My key works
in your door, too.
663
00:29:20,157 --> 00:29:21,793
Isn't that great?
664
00:29:21,826 --> 00:29:24,228
Tonight's the night
of my big broadcast.
665
00:29:24,261 --> 00:29:26,330
I'm on the verge
of superstardom.
666
00:29:26,363 --> 00:29:30,935
Should I buy a house in Malibu
or the Hollywood Hills?
667
00:29:30,968 --> 00:29:33,571
I don't know, but I sure
wish you'd buy a new car.
668
00:29:33,604 --> 00:29:36,073
I mean, this driver's ed
car is ridiculous.
669
00:29:36,106 --> 00:29:39,043
Was it ridiculous
to spend only $500
670
00:29:39,076 --> 00:29:40,912
at the Pine Cone High
Rummage Sale?
671
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:42,847
I don't think so.
672
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:45,249
What's eating you?
673
00:29:45,282 --> 00:29:47,585
I'm just worried
you're getting
a little carried away,
674
00:29:47,618 --> 00:29:49,854
that's all. I want you
to try and remember
675
00:29:49,887 --> 00:29:51,289
this is
just a short segment
676
00:29:51,322 --> 00:29:53,858
on one of those silly
home video shows, okay?
677
00:29:53,891 --> 00:29:56,928
You're jealous that I found
such a fulfilling career.
678
00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:58,396
I am not jealous.
679
00:29:58,429 --> 00:30:00,998
I'm sorry I put
a positive spin on things.
680
00:30:01,031 --> 00:30:03,234
Maybe I should be
gloomier, like you.
681
00:30:03,267 --> 00:30:06,137
I happen to be very proud
that you're going to be on TV.
682
00:30:06,170 --> 00:30:08,005
I just want you
to be realistic.
683
00:30:08,038 --> 00:30:09,507
I mean,
this isn't necessarily
going to pan out
684
00:30:09,540 --> 00:30:10,908
into a career, you know.
685
00:30:10,941 --> 00:30:12,109
That's
exactly what you said
686
00:30:12,142 --> 00:30:13,578
when I wanted to be
a brain surgeon.
687
00:30:13,611 --> 00:30:14,979
Oh. And?
688
00:30:15,012 --> 00:30:16,214
How was I supposed to know
689
00:30:16,247 --> 00:30:17,882
you needed 12 years
of medical school?
690
00:30:17,915 --> 00:30:19,149
What a scam.
691
00:30:20,584 --> 00:30:22,119
I'm going the back way.
692
00:30:22,152 --> 00:30:23,855
Pat, we should
go straight.
693
00:30:23,888 --> 00:30:25,590
[arguing]
694
00:30:28,459 --> 00:30:30,161
For once, would you
not argue with me?
695
00:30:30,194 --> 00:30:33,197
Pat, you are impossible
to deal with
696
00:30:33,230 --> 00:30:34,465
when you're like this.
697
00:30:34,498 --> 00:30:36,568
You're like a child.
698
00:30:41,472 --> 00:30:44,341
Tonight at 9, Channel 12!
699
00:30:47,311 --> 00:30:49,513
Announcer on TV:
Now here she is,
your hostess,
700
00:30:49,546 --> 00:30:52,550
- Arleen Sorkin
- [applause]
701
00:30:52,583 --> 00:30:55,453
Welcome back to America's
Creepiest People,
702
00:30:55,486 --> 00:30:57,021
the show that allows us
703
00:30:57,054 --> 00:30:58,656
to feel a little bit
better about ourselves
704
00:30:58,689 --> 00:31:01,225
by giving us
the opportunity to laugh
705
00:31:01,258 --> 00:31:03,060
at those who are
less fortunate.
706
00:31:03,093 --> 00:31:05,463
What you are about
to know is...
707
00:31:05,496 --> 00:31:07,431
Now the whole world will know
708
00:31:07,464 --> 00:31:10,033
the splendor that is Pat.
709
00:31:10,067 --> 00:31:12,303
For this next segment,
we recommend
710
00:31:12,336 --> 00:31:13,938
viewer discretion.
711
00:31:13,971 --> 00:31:15,406
If you have small children,
712
00:31:15,439 --> 00:31:18,476
you may want them
to leave the room.
713
00:31:18,509 --> 00:31:20,544
♪ Uh, freak out ♪
714
00:31:20,577 --> 00:31:23,014
♪ Le freak, le chic ♪
715
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:24,415
♪ Freak out ♪
716
00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,217
Mmm.
717
00:31:26,250 --> 00:31:28,019
♪ Aw, freak out ♪
718
00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:30,454
Kyle, are you all right?
719
00:31:30,487 --> 00:31:32,023
♪ Freak out ♪
720
00:31:32,056 --> 00:31:34,459
I'm fine. Uh, no problem.
721
00:31:36,026 --> 00:31:37,395
It's just that you've
been in there
722
00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:39,030
for three days.
723
00:31:39,063 --> 00:31:41,032
I need time to think.
724
00:31:42,299 --> 00:31:45,102
Fine. I'm going out.
725
00:31:45,135 --> 00:31:47,438
♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪
726
00:31:47,471 --> 00:31:48,907
Ohh.
727
00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:54,612
Where's that stupid remote?
728
00:31:54,645 --> 00:31:56,047
Ohh!
729
00:32:01,018 --> 00:32:02,153
Oh!
730
00:32:04,054 --> 00:32:06,590
♪ It surely can be done ♪
731
00:32:06,623 --> 00:32:11,062
♪ Young and old
are doin' it, I'm told ♪
732
00:32:11,095 --> 00:32:14,665
♪Just one try,
and you too will be sold ♪
733
00:32:14,698 --> 00:32:16,334
♪ It's called The Freak ♪
734
00:32:16,367 --> 00:32:18,002
♪ And they're doing it
night and day ♪
735
00:32:18,035 --> 00:32:19,470
[laughter]
736
00:32:19,503 --> 00:32:21,205
♪ Allow me,
I'll show you the way ♪
737
00:32:21,238 --> 00:32:25,042
♪ Aww, freak out ♪
738
00:32:25,075 --> 00:32:26,644
♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪
739
00:32:26,677 --> 00:32:28,111
Freak out!
740
00:32:30,047 --> 00:32:31,549
♪ Aw, freak out ♪
741
00:32:33,183 --> 00:32:35,019
♪ Le freak,
c'est chic ♪
742
00:32:35,052 --> 00:32:36,286
♪ Freak out ♪
743
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:37,655
See what I mean?
744
00:32:37,688 --> 00:32:39,457
Pretty creepy, huh?
745
00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:41,025
Creepy?
746
00:32:41,058 --> 00:32:43,260
Well, I think that was
sort of magnificent...
747
00:32:43,293 --> 00:32:48,198
in that uniquely
Pat-like way of Pat's.
748
00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:51,769
Oh, who can unravel
the enigma of Pat?
749
00:32:51,802 --> 00:32:54,472
To answer that question,
we have with us today
750
00:32:54,505 --> 00:32:57,675
Camille Paglia, author
of the bestselling book
751
00:32:57,708 --> 00:32:59,243
Sexual Persona.
752
00:32:59,276 --> 00:33:00,745
[applause]
753
00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:03,414
So what do you make
of this Pat person
754
00:33:03,447 --> 00:33:05,116
we've just seen?
755
00:33:05,149 --> 00:33:06,350
Well, Arleen,
I am stunned
756
00:33:06,383 --> 00:33:07,752
by the Pat phenomenon.
757
00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:09,587
Pat symbolizes,
crystalizes,
758
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,789
explodes the sexual
ambiguities
759
00:33:11,822 --> 00:33:13,189
of the 20th century.
760
00:33:13,223 --> 00:33:14,425
[applause]
761
00:33:14,458 --> 00:33:15,626
Thank you for that
762
00:33:15,659 --> 00:33:17,695
illuminating
analysis, Camille.
763
00:33:17,728 --> 00:33:19,663
[TV off]
764
00:33:19,696 --> 00:33:22,600
Pat, Pat, Pat.
765
00:33:22,633 --> 00:33:26,571
Would a Pat by any other name
smell as sweet?
766
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:30,674
What if Stacy's right?
767
00:33:30,707 --> 00:33:32,643
Could this be love?
768
00:33:32,676 --> 00:33:35,713
If so, what kind of love?
769
00:33:35,746 --> 00:33:39,617
How to account for these
peculiar passions of mine?
770
00:33:39,650 --> 00:33:41,385
Howdy, Kyle!
771
00:33:41,418 --> 00:33:42,553
Pat!
772
00:33:43,754 --> 00:33:45,255
Was that great or what?
773
00:33:45,289 --> 00:33:46,624
Oh, you were fantastic.
774
00:33:46,657 --> 00:33:48,158
Please,
come in, come in.
775
00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:49,360
All right.
776
00:33:49,393 --> 00:33:50,561
Make yourself
comfortable.
777
00:33:50,594 --> 00:33:51,829
Don't mind if I do.
778
00:33:51,862 --> 00:33:56,100
Make yourself
very comfortable, Pat.
779
00:33:56,133 --> 00:33:59,437
You know, Pat,
seeing you on television
780
00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:01,605
was-- I mean, I was--
781
00:34:01,638 --> 00:34:03,139
you were-- my God.
782
00:34:03,173 --> 00:34:04,809
I was kind of
a spectacle.
783
00:34:06,510 --> 00:34:09,447
Spectacular
is more the word, Pat.
784
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,283
Super spectacular.
785
00:34:14,351 --> 00:34:15,753
You know, Pat...
786
00:34:15,786 --> 00:34:17,554
[romantic music starts]
787
00:34:17,588 --> 00:34:18,756
...this is a moment, Pat,
788
00:34:18,789 --> 00:34:21,292
that utterly demands
champagne.
789
00:34:21,324 --> 00:34:22,627
[chuckling]
790
00:34:24,328 --> 00:34:26,130
You know, Pat,
I wanted to tell you
791
00:34:26,163 --> 00:34:29,300
that the camera
really loves you.
792
00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:31,302
I mean, really, really--
793
00:34:31,335 --> 00:34:32,503
[cork pops]
794
00:34:32,536 --> 00:34:33,704
...loves you.
795
00:34:33,737 --> 00:34:35,339
Well, it's true
796
00:34:35,371 --> 00:34:37,241
I've always been
exceptionally photogenic.
797
00:34:37,274 --> 00:34:38,442
[chuckling]
798
00:34:38,475 --> 00:34:40,377
Ahh.
799
00:34:40,409 --> 00:34:43,714
A toast, then, to...
800
00:34:43,746 --> 00:34:47,484
to America's newest
superstar.
801
00:34:47,518 --> 00:34:48,786
[ding]
802
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,724
Oh, this bubbly goes
straight to my head.
803
00:34:53,757 --> 00:34:55,092
Careful.
804
00:35:06,703 --> 00:35:09,473
Well, I don't really
feel like dancing, Kyle.
805
00:35:09,506 --> 00:35:11,274
Of course not.
806
00:35:11,308 --> 00:35:13,144
You must be...
807
00:35:13,177 --> 00:35:16,147
awfully exhausted
808
00:35:16,180 --> 00:35:18,682
after
such an exciting day.
809
00:35:18,715 --> 00:35:20,451
Well, it was on TV.
810
00:35:20,484 --> 00:35:21,852
I'm the luckiest man
in the world
811
00:35:21,885 --> 00:35:24,288
to be able to share
this moment with you, Pat.
812
00:35:24,321 --> 00:35:25,623
Kyle.
813
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:26,891
Wow.
814
00:35:26,924 --> 00:35:28,759
Whoo.
815
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:32,163
Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
816
00:35:32,196 --> 00:35:34,865
Why don't you just loosen
up a little bit, Pat?
817
00:35:34,898 --> 00:35:37,168
Maybe we could,
uh, have some fun.
818
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:40,504
Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here, Kyle.
819
00:35:40,537 --> 00:35:42,705
You got the wrong
impression about me.
820
00:35:42,739 --> 00:35:44,909
I mean, I like you
as a friend, okay?
821
00:35:44,942 --> 00:35:46,343
A friend.
822
00:35:46,376 --> 00:35:47,678
To tell you the truth,
823
00:35:47,711 --> 00:35:49,479
you're not exactly my type,
824
00:35:49,513 --> 00:35:51,781
if you know
what I'm saying.
825
00:35:51,815 --> 00:35:54,552
Plus, Kyle, you're married,
and I'm engaged,
826
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:58,522
so... Oh, Kyle,
this is just embarrassing.
827
00:35:58,555 --> 00:35:59,757
I'm gonna go.
828
00:36:08,899 --> 00:36:12,903
Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.
829
00:36:12,936 --> 00:36:15,272
andquot;Why don't you
loosen up a little?andquot;
830
00:36:15,305 --> 00:36:16,839
The guy needs therapy.
831
00:36:16,873 --> 00:36:18,576
Pat, you were, uh...
832
00:36:18,609 --> 00:36:19,744
Hi. Thank you.
833
00:36:21,378 --> 00:36:22,513
Thank you.
834
00:36:24,014 --> 00:36:26,584
Kathy,
so what did you think?
835
00:36:26,617 --> 00:36:30,888
Well, uh, it was so much
like the engagement party.
836
00:36:30,921 --> 00:36:32,522
It was
just like being there.
837
00:36:32,556 --> 00:36:34,258
I knew you'd love it.
838
00:36:34,291 --> 00:36:37,261
Hey, we have a celebrity
in the building!
839
00:36:37,294 --> 00:36:39,730
Me! [chuckling]
840
00:36:39,763 --> 00:36:41,732
I was brilliant.
841
00:36:41,765 --> 00:36:43,500
I know now that I was born
842
00:36:43,533 --> 00:36:45,903
to bring joy into
the lives of millions.
843
00:36:45,936 --> 00:36:47,371
[ring]
844
00:36:47,404 --> 00:36:49,673
Hello.
TV's Pat speaking.
845
00:36:49,706 --> 00:36:51,642
Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.
846
00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:54,612
Uh, you were really great
on the show tonight.
847
00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,447
I know.
848
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,782
Uh, look, Pat, uh,
849
00:36:58,815 --> 00:37:01,252
I'm really sorry
about earlier.
850
00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:02,953
Well, I understand
851
00:37:02,986 --> 00:37:05,656
how you can get
overemotional sometimes.
852
00:37:05,689 --> 00:37:07,391
No biggie.
853
00:37:07,424 --> 00:37:11,528
You know, Pat, you really
should follow your dreams.
854
00:37:11,561 --> 00:37:14,765
But, you know, maybe you
should just pick one dream
855
00:37:14,798 --> 00:37:16,667
and follow it, okay?
856
00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:17,868
Okay.
857
00:37:17,901 --> 00:37:20,604
So we're in love again,
right?
858
00:37:20,637 --> 00:37:21,939
Oh, Pat.
859
00:37:21,972 --> 00:37:24,375
We were never out of love.
860
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,844
Oh, Chris, you believed
in me all along.
861
00:37:28,812 --> 00:37:30,047
Psst, Pat.
862
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,448
Sorry. I have to go.
863
00:37:31,481 --> 00:37:32,716
There's somebody
at the window.
864
00:37:32,749 --> 00:37:33,984
[dial tone]
865
00:37:34,017 --> 00:37:38,656
Pat, you're
a wonderful person.
866
00:37:38,689 --> 00:37:40,857
All right, Kyle,
listen, uh,
867
00:37:40,891 --> 00:37:42,293
I have to go to bed.
868
00:37:42,326 --> 00:37:43,494
I'll talk to you later.
869
00:37:43,527 --> 00:37:44,895
Don't close the door
on my hand! Aah!
870
00:37:44,928 --> 00:37:46,263
[crash]
871
00:37:54,504 --> 00:37:56,740
Hey, weren't you
on TV last night?
872
00:37:56,773 --> 00:37:58,842
Yes, I was.
873
00:37:58,875 --> 00:38:00,911
Can we talk to you
for a minute?
874
00:38:00,944 --> 00:38:02,479
Okay.
875
00:38:02,512 --> 00:38:03,881
Pat, aren't you?
876
00:38:03,914 --> 00:38:05,449
Aw, who wants to know?
877
00:38:05,482 --> 00:38:07,017
Oh, we're Ween.
878
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,452
What's a ween?
879
00:38:08,485 --> 00:38:09,853
We're a band, you know.
880
00:38:09,886 --> 00:38:11,455
That's Gene Ween,
and I'm Dean Ween.
881
00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,424
You know, like
Simon and Garfunkel,
882
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:14,625
Peaches and Herb.
883
00:38:14,658 --> 00:38:15,859
It's kind of sad
884
00:38:15,892 --> 00:38:17,627
you got stuck with that name.
885
00:38:17,661 --> 00:38:19,697
Yeah, anyway, we're
doing a gig tonight,
886
00:38:19,730 --> 00:38:20,964
and we were wondering
if you wanted
887
00:38:20,997 --> 00:38:22,533
to come out and play.
888
00:38:22,566 --> 00:38:24,567
Great! I'm in a band!
889
00:38:24,601 --> 00:38:27,404
I hopped aboard that bus
890
00:38:27,437 --> 00:38:30,775
knowing I was on the road
to fame and fortune.
891
00:38:34,745 --> 00:38:37,481
[chanting]
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
892
00:38:37,514 --> 00:38:39,984
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
893
00:38:41,518 --> 00:38:42,787
One minute, Pat.
894
00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:47,857
Don't mind the cameras,
Pat.
895
00:38:47,891 --> 00:38:50,027
Do your thing, and you'll
look great in the video.
896
00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:51,395
Thank you.
897
00:38:52,996 --> 00:38:54,365
Pat.
898
00:38:54,398 --> 00:38:55,733
How exciting.
899
00:38:55,766 --> 00:38:58,469
Just think, all those
thousands of people
900
00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:00,770
looking at me
and only at me.
901
00:39:00,804 --> 00:39:04,041
All of them watching
and waiting for me
902
00:39:04,074 --> 00:39:06,510
to fill their lives
with meaning.
903
00:39:11,982 --> 00:39:13,450
Pat, you okay?
904
00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:14,885
Where's my axe?
905
00:39:14,918 --> 00:39:16,553
Your instrument's
set on stage.
906
00:39:16,586 --> 00:39:17,821
- All right.
- Knock 'em dead.
907
00:39:17,854 --> 00:39:19,056
Thank you.
908
00:39:19,089 --> 00:39:21,392
Ween! Ween! Ween!
909
00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:22,626
[cheering]
910
00:39:22,659 --> 00:39:24,729
Pat, we're Ween.
911
00:39:27,898 --> 00:39:31,635
[high voices]
♪ When you've had your fun ♪
912
00:39:31,668 --> 00:39:34,772
♪ And your work is done ♪
913
00:39:34,805 --> 00:39:39,009
♪ You must not succumb ♪
914
00:39:41,077 --> 00:39:43,881
♪ I can feel you breathe ♪
915
00:39:45,849 --> 00:39:49,820
♪ At least I can make
a Norwegian side ♪
916
00:39:49,853 --> 00:39:54,691
♪ Please don't hide ♪
917
00:39:54,724 --> 00:39:56,560
♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪
918
00:39:56,593 --> 00:39:59,096
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
919
00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:02,165
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
920
00:40:04,601 --> 00:40:05,936
♪ Mom, if you please ♪
921
00:40:05,969 --> 00:40:08,071
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
922
00:40:08,104 --> 00:40:11,841
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
923
00:40:14,711 --> 00:40:15,913
Hi. Thank you.
924
00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:19,983
Hey, you were incredible
tonight, Pat.
925
00:40:20,016 --> 00:40:21,152
Oh, you thought so, too?
926
00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:24,721
Pat, great show.
927
00:40:24,754 --> 00:40:26,589
Yeah, you were amazing.
928
00:40:26,623 --> 00:40:29,126
Well, the tuba is a sadly
overlooked instrument.
929
00:40:29,159 --> 00:40:31,128
Care for a mushroom?
930
00:40:31,161 --> 00:40:33,931
Oh, hey, I don't know
what's in these.
931
00:40:33,964 --> 00:40:35,966
These could be
psychedelic, right?
932
00:40:35,999 --> 00:40:37,935
Oh, I know about these
music industry parties:
933
00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:39,970
sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
934
00:40:40,003 --> 00:40:41,439
Woo-hoo!
935
00:40:44,174 --> 00:40:45,976
[sitar music]
936
00:40:52,682 --> 00:40:54,517
[groaning]
937
00:40:59,189 --> 00:41:01,658
I see trails...
938
00:41:01,691 --> 00:41:04,727
the realistic pillows.
939
00:41:06,296 --> 00:41:11,935
Gene, you have a polka-dot
monkey on your nose.
940
00:41:11,968 --> 00:41:15,071
Pat, those aren't
hallucinogenic
mushrooms.
941
00:41:15,105 --> 00:41:16,507
They're from Safeway.
942
00:41:17,874 --> 00:41:20,009
Oh.
943
00:41:20,043 --> 00:41:22,713
Hey, you guys,
I played with the Ween!
944
00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:23,981
- What?
- Ohh.
945
00:41:24,014 --> 00:41:25,216
Gross.
946
00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:27,750
I played with the Ween!
947
00:41:28,919 --> 00:41:31,555
Hey,
I played with the Ween!
948
00:41:31,588 --> 00:41:33,557
Hey, everybody!
949
00:41:33,590 --> 00:41:36,160
I can't believe
you did this!
950
00:41:39,296 --> 00:41:40,931
I want a divorce.
951
00:41:45,201 --> 00:41:47,204
[playing andquot;Three Blind Mice
952
00:41:59,249 --> 00:42:00,584
Ohh!
953
00:42:10,727 --> 00:42:11,862
Ahem!
954
00:42:13,229 --> 00:42:14,732
Mm-hmm.
955
00:42:20,003 --> 00:42:21,572
Hey, dudes!
956
00:42:21,605 --> 00:42:24,708
Well, just another gig.
957
00:42:24,741 --> 00:42:26,843
Are you ready
to rock 'n' roll?
958
00:42:26,876 --> 00:42:28,712
Hey, Pat, what's up?
959
00:42:28,745 --> 00:42:31,315
Just getting ready
for the next gig.
960
00:42:31,348 --> 00:42:35,719
Oh. Pat, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
961
00:42:35,752 --> 00:42:37,621
We just wanted to get
some footage of you
962
00:42:37,654 --> 00:42:38,822
for our next video.
963
00:42:38,855 --> 00:42:40,190
You were great
and everything,
964
00:42:40,223 --> 00:42:41,725
but that's
all we needed.
965
00:42:41,758 --> 00:42:43,026
Well, maybe I should go out
966
00:42:43,059 --> 00:42:45,128
as a surprise
bonus attraction.
967
00:42:45,161 --> 00:42:47,831
No, it's too late
to change the lineup.
968
00:42:49,265 --> 00:42:51,067
Well, maybe I could
just jam with the band
969
00:42:51,101 --> 00:42:53,070
as a special celebrity guest.
970
00:42:53,103 --> 00:42:56,206
We appreciate that,
but we just can't do it.
971
00:43:02,012 --> 00:43:03,680
I'll perform for free.
972
00:43:03,713 --> 00:43:05,983
I'm sorry, Pat.
Not tonight.
973
00:43:07,350 --> 00:43:08,884
Okey-dokey.
974
00:43:08,918 --> 00:43:10,054
Well...
975
00:43:11,254 --> 00:43:12,956
see you at the next gig.
976
00:43:12,989 --> 00:43:14,291
Pat, try to understand
977
00:43:14,324 --> 00:43:15,792
we booked you for just
one performance.
978
00:43:15,825 --> 00:43:17,894
That's all.
We were filming a video.
979
00:43:17,927 --> 00:43:19,963
Didn't you read the contract
we gave you to sign?
980
00:43:19,996 --> 00:43:22,165
Well, yes, of course I did,
981
00:43:22,198 --> 00:43:25,268
but I can hardly be expected
to read all the fine print.
982
00:43:25,301 --> 00:43:27,337
I mean, I just
naturally assumed
983
00:43:27,370 --> 00:43:29,072
that I would go
on tour with you
984
00:43:29,105 --> 00:43:31,975
and then I would get
a record contract of my own
985
00:43:32,008 --> 00:43:34,211
and have a fabulous
music career.
986
00:43:34,244 --> 00:43:36,813
Isn't that standard contract?
987
00:43:36,846 --> 00:43:38,716
No, not as such.
988
00:43:41,017 --> 00:43:43,219
You guys were
nothing without me!
989
00:43:47,090 --> 00:43:49,092
I hate show biz!
990
00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,094
It's a cutthroat industry!
991
00:43:51,127 --> 00:43:52,696
Aw, I know, hon, I know.
992
00:43:52,729 --> 00:43:54,897
All I am to them
is a body, an image!
993
00:43:54,931 --> 00:43:56,199
I understand.
994
00:43:56,232 --> 00:43:57,868
To them I'm just
a piece of meat
995
00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,136
to be chewed up
and spit out!
996
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:01,338
[sobbing]
997
00:44:01,371 --> 00:44:02,739
Oh, Pat.
998
00:44:02,772 --> 00:44:04,141
Maybe
it's all for the best.
999
00:44:04,174 --> 00:44:06,810
Feel sorrier for me!
1000
00:44:06,843 --> 00:44:08,944
How can I feel sorry for you
1001
00:44:08,978 --> 00:44:10,947
when you feel
so sorry for yourself?
1002
00:44:10,980 --> 00:44:12,916
I miss my career.
1003
00:44:12,949 --> 00:44:14,751
[whining]
1004
00:44:14,784 --> 00:44:16,319
I miss the limelight
1005
00:44:16,352 --> 00:44:19,089
and the adulation
of thousands!
1006
00:44:19,122 --> 00:44:22,993
Oh, Pat, being famous
and having a career,
1007
00:44:23,026 --> 00:44:25,194
they're-- they're
not the same thing.
1008
00:44:25,228 --> 00:44:27,397
What are you talking about?
1009
00:44:27,430 --> 00:44:30,000
Well, a career implies
having a skill.
1010
00:44:30,033 --> 00:44:31,234
You think I'm untalented!
1011
00:44:31,267 --> 00:44:32,769
No, I don't.
1012
00:44:32,802 --> 00:44:34,404
I'll show you!
I'm a renaissance person!
1013
00:44:34,437 --> 00:44:36,006
I don't understand
why you insist
1014
00:44:36,039 --> 00:44:37,741
on blowing this thing
so out of proportion.
1015
00:44:37,774 --> 00:44:39,409
I don't think you know
what you want out of life.
1016
00:44:39,442 --> 00:44:43,013
I just want fame and riches.
Is that too much to ask?
1017
00:44:43,046 --> 00:44:45,115
Oh, Pat.
1018
00:44:45,148 --> 00:44:49,820
Those are the goals
of an empty soul, Pat...
1019
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:52,889
one that I frankly
do not want to spend
1020
00:44:52,922 --> 00:44:54,858
a whole lot of time with,
so--
1021
00:44:54,891 --> 00:44:56,493
And you're not being
supportive enough!
1022
00:44:56,526 --> 00:44:58,928
I need something
for me right now!
1023
00:45:00,930 --> 00:45:02,466
Come on.
1024
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:04,935
No.
1025
00:45:06,102 --> 00:45:07,837
Well, I'm not gonna beg.
1026
00:45:11,307 --> 00:45:13,109
Where am I?
1027
00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:16,179
What kind of spell
have I been under, Pat?
1028
00:45:16,212 --> 00:45:18,482
I mean, you and I
are clearly
1029
00:45:18,515 --> 00:45:21,017
fundamentally incompatible,
1030
00:45:21,050 --> 00:45:22,419
and I just think--
1031
00:45:22,452 --> 00:45:24,755
I think we should
call it quits, Pat.
1032
00:45:24,788 --> 00:45:28,325
I think it's...
over between us,
1033
00:45:28,358 --> 00:45:30,894
and, uh,
I should be going.
1034
00:45:30,927 --> 00:45:32,396
Goodbye, Pat.
1035
00:45:34,831 --> 00:45:36,100
[sobbing]
1036
00:45:40,403 --> 00:45:41,971
Dear Diary:
1037
00:45:42,005 --> 00:45:44,174
I am at the lowest
point in my life.
1038
00:45:44,207 --> 00:45:46,176
First my music
career was sabotaged,
1039
00:45:46,209 --> 00:45:47,877
and then Chris
became unreasonable,
1040
00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:50,147
and I had to break off
our engagement.
1041
00:45:50,180 --> 00:45:52,549
Thank goodness I still
have you, Dear Diary,
1042
00:45:52,582 --> 00:45:55,152
a confidante to whom
I can bare my soul's
most secret yearnings
1043
00:45:55,185 --> 00:45:58,455
and vulnerable feelings.
1044
00:45:58,488 --> 00:46:00,190
Oh, well, I'm sure everything
1045
00:46:00,223 --> 00:46:01,958
will look better
in the morning.
1046
00:46:01,991 --> 00:46:03,227
Ohh...
1047
00:46:08,998 --> 00:46:10,334
[bottles rattle]
1048
00:46:11,968 --> 00:46:14,370
You're a stupid lettuce-head.
1049
00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:16,907
Oh, no!
1050
00:46:20,443 --> 00:46:22,246
[humming]
1051
00:46:27,483 --> 00:46:29,352
You're all wet, Pat.
1052
00:46:29,385 --> 00:46:31,822
Ohh!
1053
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,162
Ohh...
1054
00:46:42,465 --> 00:46:44,401
I'm being haunted
by the specter
1055
00:46:44,434 --> 00:46:46,303
of my former lover.
1056
00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:49,973
I should record
that dream in my diary.
1057
00:46:53,109 --> 00:46:56,580
No! My laptop!
1058
00:46:56,613 --> 00:46:59,015
Ohh! Ohh!
1059
00:47:03,319 --> 00:47:05,922
My diary's been stolen!
1060
00:47:05,955 --> 00:47:08,290
Ohh! Help!
1061
00:47:08,324 --> 00:47:10,193
Oh, Kyle!
1062
00:47:10,226 --> 00:47:12,429
Kyle! Ohh!
1063
00:47:12,462 --> 00:47:13,930
Oh, madness!
1064
00:47:13,963 --> 00:47:16,600
Oh, my diary's been stolen!
1065
00:47:16,633 --> 00:47:18,335
My diary's been stolen!
1066
00:47:18,368 --> 00:47:19,603
Oh, no.
1067
00:47:19,636 --> 00:47:21,338
Kyle,
at this very moment,
1068
00:47:21,371 --> 00:47:23,540
some diabolical cat burglar
could be reading
1069
00:47:23,573 --> 00:47:26,408
the most intimate
details of my private life!
1070
00:47:26,442 --> 00:47:28,245
Kyle!
1071
00:47:28,278 --> 00:47:29,613
That's terrible, Pat.
1072
00:47:31,314 --> 00:47:33,350
Hey, I have frames
just like those.
1073
00:47:35,351 --> 00:47:37,020
Wait a minute, Pat.
1074
00:47:37,053 --> 00:47:38,321
Don't you need a password
1075
00:47:38,354 --> 00:47:41,024
to gain access
to the diary itself?
1076
00:47:41,057 --> 00:47:43,560
Yes. Yes, I do.
1077
00:47:43,593 --> 00:47:45,962
And what was
that password again?
1078
00:47:45,995 --> 00:47:47,998
I would never tell that
to anyone.
1079
00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:50,100
Not even a closest friend,
a nearby neighbor,
1080
00:47:50,133 --> 00:47:51,301
somebody that can--
1081
00:47:51,334 --> 00:47:52,502
Well,
I'll give you a hint.
1082
00:47:52,535 --> 00:47:54,203
It's in the dictionary.
1083
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,208
Ohh, all right, Kyle.
1084
00:47:58,241 --> 00:48:00,443
I feel a little bit better.
1085
00:48:00,476 --> 00:48:01,912
Good.
1086
00:48:01,945 --> 00:48:03,480
Okay, I got to go.
1087
00:48:03,513 --> 00:48:05,115
Mm-hmm. Okay.
1088
00:48:12,655 --> 00:48:14,024
Hmm.
1089
00:48:18,127 --> 00:48:19,596
[buzzing]
1090
00:48:19,629 --> 00:48:21,197
[Pat's voice]
Access denied.
1091
00:48:21,230 --> 00:48:22,699
[chuckling]
1092
00:48:22,732 --> 00:48:24,368
It was worth a try anyway.
1093
00:48:37,046 --> 00:48:38,181
A.
1094
00:48:41,250 --> 00:48:42,386
[buzzing]
1095
00:48:46,656 --> 00:48:47,991
Dick.
1096
00:48:50,994 --> 00:48:52,362
[buzzing]
1097
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:59,202
I will know your secrets,
my love.
1098
00:48:59,235 --> 00:49:04,040
I will possess you utterly.
1099
00:49:04,073 --> 00:49:05,709
Whoever had stolen my diary
1100
00:49:05,742 --> 00:49:07,677
had left few clues behind,
1101
00:49:07,710 --> 00:49:09,279
and I was soon on the trail,
1102
00:49:09,312 --> 00:49:11,181
sniffing out leads.
1103
00:49:11,214 --> 00:49:12,982
Hey, dudes.
1104
00:49:13,016 --> 00:49:15,552
Any of you guys
steal anything lately?
1105
00:49:15,585 --> 00:49:18,254
What are you talking about?
1106
00:49:18,287 --> 00:49:21,057
Like my laptop diary.
1107
00:49:21,090 --> 00:49:23,460
It's been stolen,
and I want it back.
1108
00:49:23,493 --> 00:49:26,062
What the hell
are you anyway?
1109
00:49:26,095 --> 00:49:28,198
Oh, I know
what you're thinking.
1110
00:49:28,231 --> 00:49:30,700
Am I a Crip
or am I a Blood?
1111
00:49:30,733 --> 00:49:33,470
No. What we want to know
1112
00:49:33,503 --> 00:49:36,139
is are you a brother
or a sister?
1113
00:49:36,172 --> 00:49:37,340
- Word.
- Yeah.
1114
00:49:37,373 --> 00:49:38,608
Well, I'm an only child.
1115
00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:41,778
There's a word
for what you are.
1116
00:49:41,811 --> 00:49:43,246
Charismatic?
1117
00:49:44,747 --> 00:49:48,551
Spike, what is the word
I'm looking for?
1118
00:49:50,053 --> 00:49:51,520
Androgynous.
1119
00:49:51,554 --> 00:49:53,023
- Yeah.
- That's it.
1120
00:49:53,056 --> 00:49:55,525
Oh, that's right.
Androgynous.
1121
00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,594
That's what everyone
says about me.
1122
00:49:57,627 --> 00:50:00,630
Good old androgynous Pat.
1123
00:50:00,663 --> 00:50:03,199
Pat's always cheerful
1124
00:50:03,232 --> 00:50:05,602
and androgynous
with everybody.
1125
00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:08,405
So what the hell are you?
1126
00:50:08,438 --> 00:50:12,509
A man or a woman?
1127
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:17,614
Ohh...
1128
00:50:18,681 --> 00:50:21,251
Ohh! Ohh!
1129
00:50:21,284 --> 00:50:25,088
What the hell was that?
1130
00:50:45,741 --> 00:50:47,110
Hmm.
1131
00:50:53,449 --> 00:50:54,584
Ohh!
1132
00:51:08,764 --> 00:51:11,301
May I help you
with something?
1133
00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,269
I need a makeover, pronto!
1134
00:51:13,302 --> 00:51:14,571
Makeover.
1135
00:51:14,604 --> 00:51:16,705
Yes, I need to look more
like my own gender.
1136
00:51:16,739 --> 00:51:18,308
You know what I'm saying,
Gunther.
1137
00:51:18,341 --> 00:51:20,877
Oh...kay.
1138
00:51:20,910 --> 00:51:22,479
Let's go.
1139
00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:30,320
Fantastic.
1140
00:51:31,888 --> 00:51:33,623
I don't think so.
1141
00:51:35,725 --> 00:51:38,394
Oh, that's
quite flattering.
1142
00:51:38,427 --> 00:51:40,130
You've got to be kidding.
1143
00:51:41,597 --> 00:51:42,765
The minimalist.
1144
00:51:42,798 --> 00:51:44,734
[speeded-up chatter]
1145
00:51:46,636 --> 00:51:49,172
That's it! It's me!
1146
00:51:49,205 --> 00:51:51,241
Oh, I love my new look!
1147
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:53,442
Oh, you're a genius,
Gunther.
1148
00:51:53,476 --> 00:51:55,679
All in a day's work
for Gunther.
1149
00:51:57,346 --> 00:51:59,482
I may have looked fabulous
on the outside,
1150
00:51:59,515 --> 00:52:01,750
but inside I was a mess.
1151
00:52:01,784 --> 00:52:04,487
At a time like this,
I needed a friend.
1152
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:07,324
I needed my best friend.
1153
00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:15,165
Man on phone:
I mean, he was-- he was
looking at me funny,
1154
00:52:15,198 --> 00:52:17,299
and I had the gun
in my hand,
1155
00:52:17,333 --> 00:52:19,802
so-- so I-- I shot him.
1156
00:52:19,835 --> 00:52:21,871
Well, anger is nothing
more than hurt
1157
00:52:21,904 --> 00:52:23,606
that hasn't been dealt with.
1158
00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:25,642
You need to work on healing
your inner child, okay?
1159
00:52:25,675 --> 00:52:27,243
I want you to have
a 20-minute conversation
1160
00:52:27,276 --> 00:52:28,544
with your inner child
every day.
1161
00:52:28,578 --> 00:52:30,213
And remember, no fighting.
1162
00:52:30,246 --> 00:52:31,915
All right, so let me know
how things go.
1163
00:52:31,948 --> 00:52:33,516
Okay, great,
we're going to pause here
1164
00:52:33,549 --> 00:52:34,884
to pay some bills.
1165
00:52:34,917 --> 00:52:36,486
I'm Kathy Griffin
on andquot;Love Chat.
1166
00:52:37,687 --> 00:52:38,855
Pat.
1167
00:52:38,888 --> 00:52:40,256
Hi, Kathy.
How you doing?
1168
00:52:40,289 --> 00:52:41,558
What are you doing?
1169
00:52:41,591 --> 00:52:42,859
I'm working, Pat.
1170
00:52:42,892 --> 00:52:45,595
Oh. Listen, I need a job.
Can you get me one?
1171
00:52:45,628 --> 00:52:47,764
Okay, well, why would I
get you a job?
1172
00:52:47,797 --> 00:52:49,832
Have you forgotten who set
the clock on your VCR?
1173
00:52:49,865 --> 00:52:51,868
That thing would be flashing
from here to Tuesday
1174
00:52:51,901 --> 00:52:53,336
if it weren't for me.
1175
00:52:53,369 --> 00:52:55,338
Oh, right. Look, Pat,
1176
00:52:55,371 --> 00:52:57,240
I'm trying to do
a little show here, okay?
1177
00:52:57,273 --> 00:52:58,641
Maybe we could talk
about this later.
1178
00:52:58,674 --> 00:53:00,643
Kathy, this isn't
about you right now.
1179
00:53:00,676 --> 00:53:02,478
This is about me.
1180
00:53:02,511 --> 00:53:04,614
What am I gonna do?
1181
00:53:06,382 --> 00:53:07,984
Security!
1182
00:53:08,017 --> 00:53:10,386
Oh, great!
1183
00:53:10,419 --> 00:53:12,589
Do I get to wear a uniform?
1184
00:53:12,622 --> 00:53:15,524
[phone rings]
1185
00:53:15,558 --> 00:53:16,859
[ring]
1186
00:53:16,892 --> 00:53:18,928
[ring]
1187
00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:21,363
[ring]
1188
00:53:21,397 --> 00:53:23,600
[ring]
1189
00:53:23,633 --> 00:53:25,468
Hello.
1190
00:53:25,501 --> 00:53:28,338
Woman: I'm having an affair
with my next door neighbor.
1191
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:31,374
I feel terrible about it.
Who can I talk to?
1192
00:53:31,407 --> 00:53:33,343
Well, try your husband.
1193
00:53:36,345 --> 00:53:38,281
[ring]
1194
00:53:38,314 --> 00:53:39,949
Phone's ringing!
1195
00:53:39,982 --> 00:53:41,918
[ring]
1196
00:53:41,951 --> 00:53:44,287
[ring]
1197
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,889
What do you want?
1198
00:53:46,922 --> 00:53:48,491
I would like this individual
1199
00:53:48,524 --> 00:53:49,892
escorted from the building,
please.
1200
00:53:49,925 --> 00:53:51,794
Uh, just a second.
I want to hear this.
1201
00:53:51,827 --> 00:53:53,529
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
1202
00:53:53,562 --> 00:53:54,998
Oh, my God.
1203
00:53:55,031 --> 00:53:57,400
Pat is taking calls
on the air?
1204
00:53:57,433 --> 00:53:58,701
I know.
1205
00:53:58,734 --> 00:54:00,270
Well, go to commercial.
Pull the plug.
1206
00:54:00,303 --> 00:54:02,571
No. This is great
talk radio.
1207
00:54:02,605 --> 00:54:05,942
That's the most repulsive
thing I've ever heard.
1208
00:54:05,975 --> 00:54:08,810
Look, Troy, that is
trivializing their pain.
1209
00:54:08,844 --> 00:54:10,546
Okay?
Pat isn't helping people.
1210
00:54:10,579 --> 00:54:12,815
At least Pat's not
putting people to sleep.
1211
00:54:12,848 --> 00:54:14,450
Oh. Oh. Okay.
1212
00:54:14,483 --> 00:54:15,818
That's a slur directed
against me, right?
1213
00:54:15,851 --> 00:54:18,288
Look at all the calls
coming in.
1214
00:54:18,321 --> 00:54:21,857
Oh, You are so disgusting.
1215
00:54:21,891 --> 00:54:23,426
Hello. Whoa. Um...
1216
00:54:23,459 --> 00:54:24,761
All right,
can I help you?
1217
00:54:24,794 --> 00:54:26,828
Man: Sometimes I have
suicidal thoughts.
1218
00:54:26,862 --> 00:54:28,898
I feel like I want
to jump off a building
1219
00:54:28,931 --> 00:54:32,001
or slit my wrists or put
a bullet in my head.
1220
00:54:32,034 --> 00:54:35,038
Well, have you
considered drowning?
1221
00:54:35,071 --> 00:54:38,441
I mean, they say it's like God
giving you a big wet hug...
1222
00:54:38,474 --> 00:54:39,809
forever.
1223
00:54:39,842 --> 00:54:41,878
Stop calling here.
1224
00:54:43,813 --> 00:54:46,482
Female chorus:
♪ Ooh, andquot;Love Chair
1225
00:54:46,515 --> 00:54:49,452
Announcer:
Tune in same time
tomorrow for more...
1226
00:54:49,485 --> 00:54:51,688
Hey, you know when that
andquot;On the air
1227
00:54:51,721 --> 00:54:53,022
that means
you're on the air.
1228
00:54:53,055 --> 00:54:54,591
Oh, heh heh. Oops.
1229
00:54:56,092 --> 00:54:57,760
You know,
you're a natural?
1230
00:54:57,793 --> 00:54:59,095
Well, your station's
listeners
1231
00:54:59,128 --> 00:55:00,496
really bummed me out.
1232
00:55:00,529 --> 00:55:01,931
They're
a bunch of crackpots.
1233
00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:03,766
Well, Pat, those are
exactly the kind of people
1234
00:55:03,799 --> 00:55:05,401
who call a radio talk show.
1235
00:55:05,434 --> 00:55:06,836
Well, they're
too freaky for me.
1236
00:55:06,869 --> 00:55:09,372
Why can't they just have
normal relationships?
1237
00:55:10,973 --> 00:55:14,744
Pat, why don't you be
the new host of andquot;Love Chat
1238
00:55:14,777 --> 00:55:16,446
Great.
1239
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:17,647
I'm hired!
1240
00:55:27,156 --> 00:55:29,991
Guess what, Kathy.
I got a job.
1241
00:55:30,025 --> 00:55:32,028
I have a radio show
called andquot;Love Chat.
1242
00:55:32,061 --> 00:55:34,364
Yeah, I know, Pat.
That was my show.
1243
00:55:34,397 --> 00:55:35,565
Well, small world.
1244
00:55:35,598 --> 00:55:36,799
No, no. I got fired today.
1245
00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:40,370
Oh, Kathy,
that's terrible.
1246
00:55:40,403 --> 00:55:41,738
Why?
1247
00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:43,873
Because they gave you
my show.
1248
00:55:43,906 --> 00:55:46,976
Oh, that must be awful
for you, Kathy.
1249
00:55:47,009 --> 00:55:48,811
Is there anything
I can do?
1250
00:55:48,844 --> 00:55:50,747
Uh, yeah. Could you
give me my job back?
1251
00:55:50,780 --> 00:55:53,549
I don't think
they'd go for that
down at the station.
1252
00:55:53,582 --> 00:55:55,051
Plus, I wouldn't do it
1253
00:55:55,084 --> 00:55:57,053
because I really
need this job.
1254
00:55:57,086 --> 00:55:59,522
Well, then do me a favor
and get out of here!
1255
00:55:59,555 --> 00:56:01,624
- Okay?
- I'd better go.
1256
00:56:01,657 --> 00:56:04,026
Ramrod. Ramrod.
1257
00:56:04,059 --> 00:56:05,395
Come on, baby, be the one.
1258
00:56:05,428 --> 00:56:06,662
- [buzzing]
- Come to Papa.
1259
00:56:06,695 --> 00:56:08,965
Access denied.
[chuckling]
1260
00:56:08,998 --> 00:56:10,133
[muttering]
1261
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:12,667
[laughing]
1262
00:56:12,701 --> 00:56:13,837
[buzzing]
1263
00:56:15,037 --> 00:56:16,805
Pig! I'm sorry.
1264
00:56:16,839 --> 00:56:18,607
Okay.
1265
00:56:18,641 --> 00:56:22,078
[female chorus scatting]
1266
00:56:22,111 --> 00:56:26,182
Announcer:
You're listening to KVIB FM.
1267
00:56:26,215 --> 00:56:28,551
And now for the southland's
hottest talk radio,
1268
00:56:28,584 --> 00:56:30,453
here's Pat.
1269
00:56:30,486 --> 00:56:33,423
Hi. This is andquot;Pat Chat.
1270
00:56:33,456 --> 00:56:36,859
And I'm your host,
Pat Riley. [chuckling]
1271
00:56:36,892 --> 00:56:38,560
I'm ready to listen
1272
00:56:38,594 --> 00:56:41,631
to all of your most personal
and intimate problems
1273
00:56:41,664 --> 00:56:44,100
and then, uh,
solve them for you,
1274
00:56:44,133 --> 00:56:46,435
so, uh, let's take
our first call.
1275
00:56:48,671 --> 00:56:50,906
Woman: I've contracted
a horrible disease,
1276
00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:53,676
and I've been told I don't
have much time to live.
1277
00:56:53,709 --> 00:56:55,645
[sobbing]
What should I do?
1278
00:56:55,678 --> 00:56:57,513
[baby crying]
1279
00:56:57,546 --> 00:57:00,549
Why don't you go
1-800-Waah-waah-waah
1280
00:57:00,583 --> 00:57:03,219
waah-waah waah-waah?
[chuckling]
1281
00:57:03,252 --> 00:57:05,788
All right, next call.
1282
00:57:05,821 --> 00:57:08,790
Kyle: Pat, I-- I--
I like to dress up
1283
00:57:08,824 --> 00:57:10,827
like my sexually ambiguous
neighbor
1284
00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528
[cuckoo cuckoo]
1285
00:57:10,860 --> 00:57:12,528
and prance around
the apartment all night.
1286
00:57:12,561 --> 00:57:14,163
Sure you do,
Mr. Looney Tunes.
1287
00:57:14,196 --> 00:57:15,565
Adios!
1288
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:17,633
I'm tired of these cranks.
1289
00:57:17,666 --> 00:57:21,171
Let's screen these callers,
people.
1290
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,112
[doorbell rings]
1291
00:57:33,782 --> 00:57:36,786
Hi. Blast from your past.
1292
00:57:36,819 --> 00:57:40,122
Hi. I'm a famous
radio personality now.
1293
00:57:40,155 --> 00:57:41,824
That's really-- That's great.
1294
00:57:41,857 --> 00:57:44,928
Uh, Pat, there's something
I have to tell you.
1295
00:57:47,196 --> 00:57:48,665
Can I come in?
1296
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:54,937
Pat, you know, I never want
you and I to be enemies, okay?
1297
00:57:54,970 --> 00:57:58,006
But, uh, I have to go away
for a little while.
1298
00:57:59,108 --> 00:58:00,576
Where?
1299
00:58:00,609 --> 00:58:02,879
I'm leaving on Sunday
at 5:30 for Tibet,
1300
00:58:02,912 --> 00:58:05,047
on a spiritual quest.
1301
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,049
A quest?
1302
00:58:07,082 --> 00:58:10,920
Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone
for at least a year, Pat.
1303
00:58:10,953 --> 00:58:12,622
What?
1304
00:58:12,655 --> 00:58:14,023
So I really thought
it was important
1305
00:58:14,056 --> 00:58:15,725
that I come by and tell you
1306
00:58:15,758 --> 00:58:17,692
that I think I'm probably
always gonna love you, Pat.
1307
00:58:17,726 --> 00:58:20,997
Well, then great! Then we
have no problems, then.
1308
00:58:21,030 --> 00:58:23,132
No, Pat.
What I'm trying to say
1309
00:58:23,165 --> 00:58:25,768
that I'm really sorry
it didn't work out between us.
1310
00:58:25,801 --> 00:58:26,936
Well--
1311
00:58:28,270 --> 00:58:29,939
Well, I'm also sorry
1312
00:58:29,972 --> 00:58:33,009
that you couldn't have
been more sensible.
1313
00:58:35,945 --> 00:58:37,213
Goodbye, Pat.
1314
00:58:47,089 --> 00:58:49,692
People. Can't live with them,
1315
00:58:49,725 --> 00:58:51,259
and you can't live
without them.
1316
00:58:51,293 --> 00:58:53,029
Ohh...
1317
00:58:56,932 --> 00:58:58,935
Damn, I must have missed it.
1318
00:58:58,968 --> 00:59:01,703
[Kyle imitating Pat's voice]
There's only three left.
1319
00:59:01,737 --> 00:59:03,906
I know that. Thank you.
1320
00:59:03,939 --> 00:59:05,707
[chuckling]
1321
00:59:05,741 --> 00:59:07,176
Zymase.
1322
00:59:12,014 --> 00:59:15,117
Access denied. [chuckling]
1323
00:59:15,150 --> 00:59:16,819
Zymotic?
1324
00:59:23,959 --> 00:59:25,194
Ohh...
1325
00:59:28,664 --> 00:59:29,799
Zythum.
1326
00:59:30,866 --> 00:59:32,569
Please work.
1327
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:39,241
We're in. We're in!
1328
00:59:39,274 --> 00:59:40,643
We're in, we're in.
1329
00:59:40,676 --> 00:59:42,078
We're in, we're in.
1330
00:59:42,111 --> 00:59:43,246
We're in.
1331
00:59:44,346 --> 00:59:45,781
We're in.
1332
00:59:45,814 --> 00:59:47,249
Ohh...
1333
00:59:47,282 --> 00:59:49,619
We're in, we're in, we're in,
1334
00:59:49,652 --> 00:59:51,320
we're in, we're in, we're in.
1335
00:59:51,353 --> 00:59:53,356
We're in, we're in.
1336
00:59:53,389 --> 00:59:54,791
The diary.
1337
01:00:01,664 --> 01:00:04,233
andquot;Once I got it home,
I realized I didn't like it.
1338
01:00:04,266 --> 01:00:06,335
andquot;I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?
1339
01:00:06,368 --> 01:00:08,136
andquot;So I took it back
and exchanged it
1340
01:00:08,170 --> 01:00:09,338
andquot;for a delicious tan one.
1341
01:00:09,371 --> 01:00:13,843
Well, more brown, really.andquot;
1342
01:00:13,876 --> 01:00:16,045
Pat on radio: ...be all tender
and sumptuous enough
1343
01:00:16,078 --> 01:00:17,780
to bring tears to your eyes.
1344
01:00:17,813 --> 01:00:19,949
And people everywhere
are making Tom Chuck's
1345
01:00:19,982 --> 01:00:22,018
their dinnertime destination.
1346
01:00:22,051 --> 01:00:24,987
Come and enjoy!
1347
01:00:25,020 --> 01:00:27,056
All right, sounds good.
1348
01:00:28,390 --> 01:00:30,259
Okay, I'll remind you
1349
01:00:30,292 --> 01:00:33,229
this is KVIB. I'm Pat.
1350
01:00:33,262 --> 01:00:34,797
You know what I
always say:
1351
01:00:34,830 --> 01:00:36,232
we're made for each other.
[sputter]
1352
01:00:37,733 --> 01:00:39,135
Oh, Pat.
1353
01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104
[chuckling]
1354
01:00:39,168 --> 01:00:41,104
Pat.
1355
01:00:49,378 --> 01:00:53,315
Always try to be equal
partners in a relationship.
1356
01:00:53,348 --> 01:00:54,850
Thank you very much.
1357
01:00:54,883 --> 01:00:56,852
I'm Pat,
and I'm here all night,
1358
01:00:56,885 --> 01:00:59,722
ready to lend
a sympathetic ear.
1359
01:00:59,755 --> 01:01:01,757
Let's take our next call.
1360
01:01:01,790 --> 01:01:03,058
Hello.
1361
01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,326
Chris: Hi, Pat.
1362
01:01:04,359 --> 01:01:06,729
Hello.
Don't waste my time.
1363
01:01:06,762 --> 01:01:08,164
What's your name,
caller?
1364
01:01:08,197 --> 01:01:09,699
Well, it's--
1365
01:01:09,732 --> 01:01:12,368
You can call me
Chris, Pat.
1366
01:01:12,401 --> 01:01:15,071
All right, Chris,
what's your problem?
1367
01:01:15,104 --> 01:01:17,439
Well, I had this special
someone in my life--
1368
01:01:17,473 --> 01:01:20,276
we'll call this person Pat--
1369
01:01:20,309 --> 01:01:22,778
and, well,
we were engaged, yeah,
1370
01:01:22,811 --> 01:01:24,780
and, uh, well,
I just didn't feel
1371
01:01:24,813 --> 01:01:26,282
that Pat was ready
to make a commitment,
1372
01:01:26,315 --> 01:01:28,851
not to-- not to a job
or to me.
1373
01:01:28,884 --> 01:01:32,121
But now for the first time
Pat has some job stability,
1374
01:01:32,154 --> 01:01:33,422
- and--
- Uhh?
1375
01:01:33,455 --> 01:01:34,824
I just want to tell Pat
1376
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:37,860
that I-- I love Pat
for who Pat is
1377
01:01:37,893 --> 01:01:39,795
and not for what Pat does.
1378
01:01:39,828 --> 01:01:43,766
And I really wish we could
get back together again, Pat.
1379
01:01:43,799 --> 01:01:45,301
Well...
1380
01:01:45,334 --> 01:01:48,937
you're not giving me much
to go on here, Chris.
1381
01:01:48,971 --> 01:01:51,207
Can you be more specific?
1382
01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:54,209
Well, I guess what I'm
trying to get at, Pat,
1383
01:01:54,243 --> 01:01:57,046
is that, well, I'm leaving
for Tibet tomorrow,
1384
01:01:57,079 --> 01:01:58,948
you know, to get over Pat,
1385
01:01:58,981 --> 01:02:01,984
and I'm not so sure that's
the right thing to do now,
Pat.
1386
01:02:02,017 --> 01:02:05,120
Well, if you're asking
for my advice,
1387
01:02:05,154 --> 01:02:06,522
and I guess you are,
1388
01:02:06,555 --> 01:02:08,524
I would say
that this Path person
1389
01:02:08,557 --> 01:02:10,792
just sounds like a real
nightmare.
1390
01:02:10,826 --> 01:02:14,096
I say hit the road
and don't look back.
1391
01:02:14,129 --> 01:02:15,931
[chuckling]
Next call.
1392
01:02:15,964 --> 01:02:17,199
But--
1393
01:02:17,232 --> 01:02:18,400
Some people, I don't know
1394
01:02:18,433 --> 01:02:20,136
why they get hooked up
with these losers
1395
01:02:20,169 --> 01:02:21,937
in the first place.
1396
01:02:21,970 --> 01:02:24,939
Listen, what I have to give
you people is tough love.
1397
01:02:24,973 --> 01:02:27,009
It may not sound pretty,
but I can help you.
1398
01:02:27,042 --> 01:02:28,944
That's right, I'm Pat.
1399
01:02:28,977 --> 01:02:30,946
I'm here to help you
all night long.
1400
01:02:30,979 --> 01:02:33,281
andquot;Chris
can be so frustrating.
1401
01:02:33,315 --> 01:02:35,117
andquot;I mean, who is wearing
the pants
1402
01:02:35,150 --> 01:02:37,019
in our relationship
anyway?andquot;
1403
01:02:37,052 --> 01:02:38,888
Exactly what I want to know!
1404
01:02:40,022 --> 01:02:41,790
andquot;I have a confession to make.
1405
01:02:41,824 --> 01:02:43,392
andquot;Dear Diary:
1406
01:02:43,425 --> 01:02:46,195
Something not even my closest
friends know about me.andquot;
1407
01:02:50,365 --> 01:02:52,267
andquot;I haven't vacuumed
under my couch
1408
01:02:52,301 --> 01:02:53,803
andquot;since I moved
into my apartment.
1409
01:02:53,836 --> 01:02:56,272
There, I said it I feel
so much better already.andquot;
1410
01:03:01,376 --> 01:03:02,812
That's it?
1411
01:03:04,246 --> 01:03:06,215
Th-Th-Th-That's all?
1412
01:03:06,248 --> 01:03:09,051
The most intimate record
1413
01:03:09,084 --> 01:03:12,053
of every detail of Pat's life,
1414
01:03:12,087 --> 01:03:16,559
and not a single clue
about Pat's sex?
1415
01:03:16,592 --> 01:03:19,061
Why?
1416
01:03:19,094 --> 01:03:23,966
Why? That's so unfair!
1417
01:03:23,999 --> 01:03:28,837
I'm sleepy, and you people
are boring me.
1418
01:03:28,871 --> 01:03:33,142
This is KVIB FM.
I'm your host Pat.
1419
01:03:33,175 --> 01:03:34,977
Now let's take our next call,
1420
01:03:35,010 --> 01:03:37,180
and make it something lively!
1421
01:03:39,348 --> 01:03:41,517
[Eastern European accent]
I'm wanting to be telling you
1422
01:03:41,550 --> 01:03:43,118
that I'm having something
1423
01:03:43,151 --> 01:03:45,120
that none of your other
callers have.
1424
01:03:45,153 --> 01:03:47,957
What's that, your sanity?
1425
01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:50,225
No. Your diary.
1426
01:03:50,259 --> 01:03:52,862
What? Who is this?
1427
01:03:52,895 --> 01:03:56,565
All in good time,
my little elusive friend.
1428
01:03:56,598 --> 01:04:00,336
And if you're ever wanting
to see your diary again,
1429
01:04:00,369 --> 01:04:03,939
you'll be meeting me
at Ripley's Odditorium
1430
01:04:03,972 --> 01:04:05,274
at high noon.
1431
01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:08,109
How do I know this isn't
a crank call?
1432
01:04:08,143 --> 01:04:13,415
Have you been vacuuming
under your couch lately?
1433
01:04:13,448 --> 01:04:15,151
[shuddering]
1434
01:04:26,395 --> 01:04:27,563
Excuse me.
1435
01:04:35,504 --> 01:04:36,906
[nervous chuckle]
1436
01:04:50,118 --> 01:04:52,288
Kyle:
Psst. Hey. In here,
1437
01:04:52,321 --> 01:04:54,924
where we're less likely
to be heard.
1438
01:04:56,024 --> 01:04:57,159
Oh.
1439
01:05:11,406 --> 01:05:15,244
Are you the lunatic
who stole my diary?
1440
01:05:15,277 --> 01:05:18,648
You mean...this?
1441
01:05:20,182 --> 01:05:21,950
Yes.
1442
01:05:21,984 --> 01:05:26,020
Hey, you look kinda familiar.
Do I know you?
1443
01:05:26,054 --> 01:05:27,323
No.
1444
01:05:28,657 --> 01:05:31,560
You didn't read the diary,
did you?
1445
01:05:31,593 --> 01:05:35,029
Yes. I decoded it,
1446
01:05:35,063 --> 01:05:38,067
and I read every word.
1447
01:05:38,100 --> 01:05:40,502
Oh, I feel so naked.
1448
01:05:40,535 --> 01:05:43,672
And you know what?
It didn't tell me diddly.
1449
01:05:43,705 --> 01:05:46,107
I know all about
your happy childhood,
1450
01:05:46,141 --> 01:05:49,144
your countless jobs,
your idiotic fantasies,
1451
01:05:49,177 --> 01:05:50,446
your stupid bath mat.
1452
01:05:50,479 --> 01:05:54,049
Stop! Stop!
I can't hear anymore!
1453
01:05:54,082 --> 01:05:55,451
I know everything
about you, Pat,
1454
01:05:55,484 --> 01:05:58,252
everything except
the one thing I must know.
1455
01:05:58,286 --> 01:06:01,256
What else is there to know?
1456
01:06:01,289 --> 01:06:03,125
Take off your clothes.
1457
01:06:03,158 --> 01:06:06,428
What? You're nothing
but a pervert.
1458
01:06:06,461 --> 01:06:08,229
Don't you see?
1459
01:06:08,263 --> 01:06:09,565
We were meant for each other.
1460
01:06:09,598 --> 01:06:11,033
We're like two
complementary pieces
1461
01:06:11,066 --> 01:06:12,433
in the crazy jigsaw
puzzle of love.
1462
01:06:12,467 --> 01:06:14,336
I just need to know
how we fit together.
1463
01:06:14,369 --> 01:06:16,038
Ohh...
1464
01:06:16,071 --> 01:06:17,272
By uncovering
the secret of you,
1465
01:06:17,305 --> 01:06:20,176
I uncover the secret
of myself.
1466
01:06:22,277 --> 01:06:23,712
Kyle!
1467
01:06:23,745 --> 01:06:26,647
Now take off your clothes
1468
01:06:26,681 --> 01:06:30,686
if you ever want to see
your diary alive again.
1469
01:06:30,719 --> 01:06:32,254
Ouggh.
1470
01:06:34,556 --> 01:06:36,559
No!
1471
01:06:47,169 --> 01:06:49,171
Where are you?
1472
01:06:49,204 --> 01:06:51,206
Pat!
1473
01:06:51,239 --> 01:06:54,543
Oh, Pat! Uh-oh!
I see you.
1474
01:06:54,576 --> 01:06:57,246
Help! I'm being chased
by a crazed doppelganger
1475
01:06:57,279 --> 01:06:59,148
who's reading my diary!
1476
01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,349
[laughing]
1477
01:07:00,382 --> 01:07:02,051
Ohh!
1478
01:07:06,288 --> 01:07:08,590
♪ ...of your creator ♪
1479
01:07:08,623 --> 01:07:11,560
♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪
1480
01:07:11,593 --> 01:07:14,229
♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪
1481
01:07:14,262 --> 01:07:15,731
♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪
1482
01:07:15,764 --> 01:07:17,500
Kyle: Pat!
1483
01:07:21,169 --> 01:07:22,703
Hi.
1484
01:07:22,737 --> 01:07:24,173
Pat.
1485
01:07:25,574 --> 01:07:28,510
Don't run.
You know you want me.
1486
01:07:28,543 --> 01:07:30,746
Surrender, my sweet.
1487
01:07:30,779 --> 01:07:32,248
[giggling]
1488
01:07:36,318 --> 01:07:39,755
Kyle, you just don't
take a hint, do you?
1489
01:07:39,788 --> 01:07:42,491
Come to Papa,
my little love dumpling.
1490
01:07:42,524 --> 01:07:45,259
Kyle, for the last time,
you're not my type.
1491
01:07:45,293 --> 01:07:47,463
Don't-- Don't--
Don't say that, Pat.
1492
01:07:47,496 --> 01:07:49,531
Don't say that.
1493
01:07:49,564 --> 01:07:52,334
- We should be as one.
- Ohh...
1494
01:07:52,367 --> 01:07:54,736
You and I. Huh?
1495
01:07:54,769 --> 01:07:56,671
- Kyle.
- Pat.
1496
01:07:56,705 --> 01:07:58,540
Oh! Oh! Oh!
1497
01:07:58,573 --> 01:08:00,843
Oh, no!
1498
01:08:00,876 --> 01:08:03,145
- Pat!
- Aah!
1499
01:08:03,178 --> 01:08:04,446
Help!
1500
01:08:06,348 --> 01:08:10,419
♪ Don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪
1501
01:08:11,853 --> 01:08:13,789
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
1502
01:08:13,822 --> 01:08:17,126
♪ To touch the hand
of your creator ♪
1503
01:08:17,158 --> 01:08:18,893
♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪
1504
01:08:18,926 --> 01:08:20,429
Hold on.
1505
01:08:20,462 --> 01:08:22,498
♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪
1506
01:08:22,531 --> 01:08:25,568
♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪
1507
01:08:27,402 --> 01:08:32,508
♪ Oh, don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪
1508
01:08:34,910 --> 01:08:36,412
[silence]
1509
01:08:40,682 --> 01:08:42,852
[chuckling]
1510
01:08:49,823 --> 01:08:51,460
[cheering]
1511
01:08:55,529 --> 01:08:57,465
Hey, buddy, what do you
think you're doing out here?
1512
01:08:57,499 --> 01:09:00,402
No, no. Okay, I give up.
Uncle, uncle, uncle.
1513
01:09:00,435 --> 01:09:02,838
Ahem. Then perhaps
you could just tell me,
1514
01:09:02,871 --> 01:09:04,907
if that naked person
is a man or a woman.
1515
01:09:04,939 --> 01:09:06,575
Show's over, weirdo.
Come on.
1516
01:09:06,608 --> 01:09:07,776
No!
1517
01:09:11,712 --> 01:09:13,515
Pat!
1518
01:09:15,283 --> 01:09:16,452
Ohh...
1519
01:09:18,520 --> 01:09:21,390
Just one minute, Pat. We'll
have this all stitched up.
1520
01:09:21,423 --> 01:09:23,291
Thank you.
1521
01:09:23,325 --> 01:09:25,794
Pat, can I tell you
something?
1522
01:09:25,827 --> 01:09:29,331
We admire your persistence
and your creativity,
1523
01:09:29,363 --> 01:09:30,698
but we meant it when we said
1524
01:09:30,732 --> 01:09:32,301
we only needed you
for one show.
1525
01:09:32,334 --> 01:09:33,902
That's all right.
1526
01:09:33,935 --> 01:09:36,838
I'm tired of people
looking at me.
1527
01:09:36,871 --> 01:09:39,274
I learned something
about myself
1528
01:09:39,307 --> 01:09:40,908
when I was out there naked:
1529
01:09:40,942 --> 01:09:43,612
what it feels like
to be naked
1530
01:09:43,645 --> 01:09:45,414
in front of lots of people.
1531
01:09:46,848 --> 01:09:48,817
I've had enough adulation.
1532
01:09:48,850 --> 01:09:51,320
I was happier when there
was only one person
1533
01:09:51,353 --> 01:09:53,221
who stared at me
when I was naked.
1534
01:09:55,624 --> 01:09:56,992
Oh, my God.
1535
01:09:57,025 --> 01:09:59,393
Chris.
1536
01:09:59,427 --> 01:10:00,763
Ohh!
1537
01:10:02,664 --> 01:10:05,867
Gladys Knight:
♪ I've had my share ♪
1538
01:10:08,637 --> 01:10:11,607
♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪
1539
01:10:13,942 --> 01:10:16,512
♪ But fate's been kind ♪
1540
01:10:19,047 --> 01:10:25,620
♪ The downs have been few ♪
1541
01:10:25,654 --> 01:10:27,556
♪ I guess you could say ♪
1542
01:10:29,291 --> 01:10:32,828
♪ That I've been lucky ♪
1543
01:10:35,430 --> 01:10:38,000
♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪
1544
01:10:39,934 --> 01:10:43,973
♪ That it's all
because of you ♪
1545
01:10:46,007 --> 01:10:48,576
♪ If anyone ♪
1546
01:10:48,610 --> 01:10:50,812
♪ Should ever write ♪
1547
01:10:50,845 --> 01:10:53,649
♪ My life story ♪
1548
01:10:56,951 --> 01:10:58,654
Pips:
♪ For whatever ♪
1549
01:10:58,687 --> 01:11:03,459
♪ For whatever reason
there might be ♪
1550
01:11:05,794 --> 01:11:08,364
♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪
1551
01:11:10,865 --> 01:11:15,271
♪ Between each line
of pain and glory ♪
1552
01:11:17,372 --> 01:11:19,441
♪ 'Cause you're
the best thing ♪
1553
01:11:19,474 --> 01:11:20,976
♪ The best thing
that ever happened ♪
1554
01:11:21,009 --> 01:11:23,612
♪ That ever happened to me ♪
1555
01:11:23,645 --> 01:11:24,946
Chris!
1556
01:11:24,979 --> 01:11:26,648
♪ ...that ever
happened to me ♪
1557
01:11:26,681 --> 01:11:28,450
Chris!
1558
01:11:28,483 --> 01:11:30,419
♪ You're the best thing ♪
1559
01:11:30,452 --> 01:11:31,787
Chris!
1560
01:11:31,820 --> 01:11:34,490
♪ That ever happened to me ♪
1561
01:11:38,026 --> 01:11:41,897
♪ You're the best thing
that ever happened to me ♪
1562
01:11:41,930 --> 01:11:44,066
♪ I know,
you're the best... ♪
1563
01:11:44,099 --> 01:11:45,567
Excuse me.
Someone named Chris.
1564
01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:47,002
Chris! Chris!
1565
01:11:47,035 --> 01:11:48,704
To Paris?
All right.
1566
01:11:48,737 --> 01:11:49,938
Excuse me?
Have you seen Chris?
1567
01:11:49,971 --> 01:11:52,340
Have you seen Chris?
Chris!
1568
01:11:53,608 --> 01:11:55,010
Pat. I--
1569
01:11:55,043 --> 01:11:56,644
Hi.
1570
01:11:56,678 --> 01:11:58,513
Listen, I've been thinking
about our relationship,
1571
01:11:58,546 --> 01:12:00,682
about everything
we've gone through
1572
01:12:00,715 --> 01:12:03,051
and everything I said
and how I behaved,
1573
01:12:03,084 --> 01:12:05,620
and I realized that
1574
01:12:05,653 --> 01:12:07,489
you need me!
1575
01:12:07,522 --> 01:12:10,058
I'm sorry, Pat.
I have to go now.
1576
01:12:10,091 --> 01:12:11,660
But, Chris,
I've had an epiphany
1577
01:12:11,693 --> 01:12:13,395
in front of thousands
of people...
1578
01:12:13,428 --> 01:12:14,629
naked.
1579
01:12:14,662 --> 01:12:16,498
What?
1580
01:12:16,531 --> 01:12:19,901
I don't want fame and fortune.
I want you.
1581
01:12:19,934 --> 01:12:21,704
You do, huh?
1582
01:12:22,904 --> 01:12:24,806
It's lonely at the top.
1583
01:12:24,839 --> 01:12:26,975
I miss having someone around
1584
01:12:27,008 --> 01:12:29,378
who loves dinner
as much as I do.
1585
01:12:30,478 --> 01:12:31,680
And sunny days?
1586
01:12:31,713 --> 01:12:35,750
Chris, I'm really sorry.
1587
01:12:36,885 --> 01:12:38,787
Pat.
1588
01:12:38,820 --> 01:12:40,554
You've never
said that before.
1589
01:12:40,588 --> 01:12:42,891
I just want to be
your spouse.
1590
01:12:42,924 --> 01:12:45,560
I just want to be
like a typical American.
1591
01:12:45,593 --> 01:12:47,763
I want to settle down
and have a house
1592
01:12:47,796 --> 01:12:52,734
and 1.8 kids and lead a life
of quiet desperation,
1593
01:12:52,767 --> 01:12:55,971
like these people here.
1594
01:12:56,004 --> 01:12:58,607
Come on, Chris,
let's do it.
1595
01:12:58,640 --> 01:13:01,009
Oh, Pat.
1596
01:13:01,042 --> 01:13:02,444
Chris.
1597
01:13:12,053 --> 01:13:16,425
I guess my life is just
one big romantic cliché:
1598
01:13:16,458 --> 01:13:18,559
boy meets girl,
girl loses boy,
1599
01:13:18,593 --> 01:13:21,463
boy annoys girl,
girl wants boy
to act differently,
1600
01:13:21,496 --> 01:13:24,533
girl-- Well, you know,
the same old story.
1601
01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,201
For richer or poorer.
1602
01:13:26,234 --> 01:13:28,136
For richer or poorer.
1603
01:13:28,169 --> 01:13:30,906
For as long as you both
shall live.
1604
01:13:30,939 --> 01:13:33,175
You may kiss each other.
1605
01:13:36,511 --> 01:13:38,914
[cheering, applause]
1606
01:13:45,019 --> 01:13:47,722
Plato once said
that the unexamined life
1607
01:13:47,755 --> 01:13:50,559
is not worth living.
Well, I agree.
1608
01:13:50,592 --> 01:13:53,795
It wasn't until I took a long,
hard look at my own life
1609
01:13:53,828 --> 01:13:55,997
that I realized
what I really am:
1610
01:13:56,030 --> 01:13:57,666
I'm me!
1611
01:13:57,699 --> 01:13:59,500
It's not what you do
that matters.
1612
01:13:59,534 --> 01:14:01,036
It's who you are.
1613
01:14:01,069 --> 01:14:03,805
And only then did I
discover the truth.
1614
01:14:03,838 --> 01:14:05,173
Chris is my other half,
1615
01:14:05,206 --> 01:14:07,175
and together we make a whole.
1616
01:14:07,208 --> 01:14:10,077
I finally found a yin
to go with my yang.
1617
01:14:10,111 --> 01:14:12,914
Or is that yang
to go with my yin?
1618
01:14:12,947 --> 01:14:16,218
Well, in any case,
I'm so lucky to be me.
1619
01:14:16,251 --> 01:14:17,586
[chuckling]
1620
01:14:22,557 --> 01:14:24,059
Hi, this is Kathy Griffin,
1621
01:14:24,092 --> 01:14:26,126
and yes,
I'm back on andquot;Love Chat.
1622
01:14:26,160 --> 01:14:27,696
my guest today is Kyle,
1623
01:14:27,729 --> 01:14:30,065
who's gone through some
love changes recently.
1624
01:14:30,098 --> 01:14:33,101
Now, Kyle, you are
a transvestite,
is that correct?
1625
01:14:33,134 --> 01:14:36,738
Well, um, Kathy,
I'm dressed as a woman
at the moment,
1626
01:14:36,771 --> 01:14:39,206
but I also like
to dress like a man
1627
01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:40,842
sometimes.
1628
01:14:40,875 --> 01:14:43,678
Okay, well, do your
sexual fantasies change,
1629
01:14:43,711 --> 01:14:45,580
depending on
how you're dressed?
1630
01:14:45,613 --> 01:14:49,651
No. No, no, I always
fantasize about the same...
1631
01:14:49,684 --> 01:14:51,686
person.
1632
01:14:51,719 --> 01:14:53,188
♪ [piano]
1633
01:14:53,221 --> 01:14:55,757
♪ A lot of people
say andquot;What's that?
1634
01:14:55,790 --> 01:14:57,192
♪ It's Pat ♪
1635
01:14:57,225 --> 01:14:59,027
♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪
1636
01:14:59,060 --> 01:15:00,695
♪ Accept him or her ♪
1637
01:15:00,728 --> 01:15:03,565
♪ For whatever it might be ♪
1638
01:15:03,598 --> 01:15:06,001
♪ It's time for androgyny ♪
1639
01:15:06,034 --> 01:15:07,870
♪ Here comes Pat ♪