1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,570 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:07,196 [Earl Narrating] One of the great things about the Crab Shack... 3 00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:10,572 people come by when they got something exciting to share. 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,168 Great news! My stalker just got hit by a bus! 5 00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:15,179 He's paralyzed from the waist down! 6 00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:17,249 Congratulations. 7 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,652 Good news! Saw the new family. 8 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,722 I'm still the hottest mom in the trailer park. 9 00:00:22,822 --> 00:00:24,790 Congratulations! 10 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:28,219 Good news! I'm not pregnant! 11 00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:30,990 Congratulations! Congratulations! 12 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,997 Congratulations! 13 00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:36,500 [Earl Narrating] Hearing about a pregnancy reminded me of something on my list- 14 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:39,128 got the babysitter pregnant. 15 00:00:39,239 --> 00:00:43,699 When I was growing up, Fridays were square-dancing night. 16 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:47,541 The first week, I lit a bale of straw on fire so I'd get banned. 17 00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:49,547 - [Door Closes] - I did it for two reasons- 18 00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:51,742 first, because square dancing is lame... 19 00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:55,252 and second, 'cause we had a hot new babysitter... 20 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,255 Rachel Magann. 21 00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,655 Earl, what do you want for dinner? 22 00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:04,287 - How about we just grab a bottle of wine and sit outside? - [Rachel Laughs] 23 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:08,424 I desperately wanted Rachel to like me, so I used my best moves on her. 24 00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:11,402 Hey, Rachel. Forgot you were here. 25 00:01:11,504 --> 00:01:14,405 Probably 'cause I was working out so hard in my bedroom. 26 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:16,737 [Rachel Laughs] 27 00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:20,244 She was my first love, but I didn't know if she liked me back. 28 00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:22,678 [Headset] 29 00:01:22,782 --> 00:01:25,842 Um... what are you listening to? 30 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:28,853 Oh, it's this band, Lynyrd Skynyrd! You have to hear this! 31 00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:31,924 32 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,993 33 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:38,258 Now that our ears had touched, I knew it was time to make my move. 34 00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:40,924 35 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,002 [Exhales] 36 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,435 - Time for bed, Earl. - I brought Risky Business. 37 00:01:51,544 --> 00:01:53,512 Oh, I love that movie. 38 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,682 And maybe afterwards, a little frisky business. 39 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,684 Ohh! [Chuckles] 40 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,981 [TV] 41 00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:06,457 [Earl Narrating] That son of a bitch ruined my chances, so I was gonna make him pay. 42 00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:09,153 [Rachel Giggling] 43 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,162 44 00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:14,825 45 00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:18,335 - Really pay. - [Rachel, Boy Giggling] 46 00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:22,898 - - [Giggling Continues] 47 00:02:23,009 --> 00:02:26,501 48 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:30,049 49 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,050 [TV: Announcer] Caught him in the secondary- 50 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,279 [Earl Narrating] After that, Rachel changed. 51 00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:37,288 [TV: Continues, Indistinct] 52 00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:42,657 Well, look on the bright side. We already know you're a good babysitter. 53 00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:51,667 You just saw somethin' that made you think of your list, didn't you? 54 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,671 Yep. It's "Got"- 55 00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:56,765 No, no, no. Don't tell me. Let me guess. 56 00:02:56,876 --> 00:03:00,039 Is it "Threw up in the pickled egg jar"? 57 00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:01,773 Nope. 58 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:05,544 - Oh! "Threw up on the electric crab"? - Nope. 59 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:09,588 - I give up. - It's "Got the babysitter pregnant." 60 00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:11,589 Mmm. 61 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,023 Darnell, uno margarita, "por favor." 62 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:17,426 Now that a Democrat's in office, we all better learn Spanish. 63 00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:20,431 Didn't you say you were bringing Mr. Turtle? 64 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,434 I got the dishwasher to the perfect temperature for a steam bath. 65 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:26,198 Ohh. Mr. Turtle. 66 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:28,570 I forgot him back at the trailer. 67 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,575 [Earl Narrating] Joy wasn't exactly lying... 68 00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:33,578 but she wasn't telling the whole truth either. 69 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,580 70 00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:39,584 Damn it, Eugenia! Duncan chewed through his leash again. 71 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,654 Come here. 72 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:46,655 - [Door Closes] - [Engine Starts] 73 00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:49,421 Your mama's gotta learn to pay attention. 74 00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:58,162 [Squeaking] 75 00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:01,798 [Earl Narrating] I tracked down Rachel and was surprised to find she was still with Daniel. 76 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,309 We are just as happy as two peanuts in a shell. 77 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:08,209 I used to think it was fate, but I guess we should thank you... 78 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:11,408 for saving us all those wasted years of searching for the right one. 79 00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:14,748 In fact, you are responsible for this wonderful day. 80 00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:21,319 And, uh, it gets better. 81 00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:25,930 Well, I guess it looks like everything turned out okay. 82 00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:31,331 But l-I still feel like I did something wrong. 83 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:34,770 Don't be silly. You brought a new life into this world. 84 00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:37,001 - How could that ever be wrong? - [Door Opens] 85 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:41,706 Hey! Could you guys possibly make any more noise? 86 00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:44,009 It's not like I'm trying to sleep or anything. 87 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,644 And I guess I have to make my own breakfast since I don't hear any bacon sizzling. 88 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,881 [Both Chuckling] 89 00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,150 - That's our boy! - [Both Laughing] 90 00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:54,556 Skim milk? 91 00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:57,289 Really? Skim? 92 00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:59,365 Unbelievable. 93 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,135 - Who wants to see more pictures? - Ah! 94 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,372 [Earl Narrating] While I sat with Rachel and Daniel... 95 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:10,999 Joy was trying to correct a past mistake ofher own. 96 00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:15,376 - Where the hell is Earl? - How should I know? I'm his maid, not his secretary. 97 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:18,712 You foreigners have a weird way of bragging. 98 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,412 Do me a favor. 99 00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:25,389 - Which one of these looks more like Mr. Turtle? - What did you do to Mr. Turtle? 100 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:29,188 I didn't do anything. He slid off the roof of the Brat. 101 00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:32,264 Ironically, I had just Turtle Waxed it. 102 00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,833 Don't you judge me. You don't know what kind of lies and deceptions... 103 00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,834 one has to perpetrate to keep a marriage afloat. 104 00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:40,565 What am I supposed to do, tell him the truth and break his heart? 105 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,664 Well, I don't want Crabman to be sad. 106 00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:44,436 Just pick! 107 00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:48,878 Well, Mr. Turtle always reminded me of Richard Dreyfuss. 108 00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:50,744 This one looks like Richard Dreyfuss... 109 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,613 but this one acts more like Richard Dreyfuss. 110 00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:55,279 I'd go with this one. 111 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,514 This album is from Ronnie's high school graduation. 112 00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:02,116 We didn't know he wasn't graduating until they didn't call his name... 113 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,628 so that was a surprise. 114 00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:07,723 You guys are gonna need to get a ride to work tomorrow. I need the car. 115 00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:11,736 - What for, sugar lump? - Does everything have to be a debate with you, Rachel? 116 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,068 Just give me the stupid car! 117 00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,607 [Door Slams] 118 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,805 If you don't mind me asking, what the hell's going on with Ronnie? 119 00:06:20,913 --> 00:06:23,882 Ah, you know, kids and their phases. [Chuckling] 120 00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:27,214 Hey! Where's my pee bottles? 121 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,220 Oh, sorry, honey. They're in the dishwasher. 122 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:31,722 We've been meaning to put a bathroom down there. 123 00:06:31,824 --> 00:06:34,725 It is a lot of steps for him to take. 124 00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:37,057 Kids! What are you gonna do? [Chuckling] 125 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,927 Kid? He's a grown man. Shouldn't he be out on his own? 126 00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:42,933 We told him to look for an apartment. We gave him a month's rent. 127 00:06:43,035 --> 00:06:46,334 But he blew it all one night taking a call girl to an Ultimate Fighting match. 128 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:49,499 - Cool. - Oh, and she was a doll! 129 00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:51,873 We hoped they'd go out again, but... 130 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,469 [Sighs] Couldn't afford it. 131 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,481 I think this is why karma brought me here. 132 00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,551 I'm responsible for Ronnie becoming your baby. 133 00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,485 Maybe I should be responsible for Ronnie becoming a man. 134 00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:05,489 But what if he's not ready to become a man? 135 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,491 You know, it's a dangerous world out there. 136 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,493 We're not seals, Earl. 137 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:13,429 We don't just throw our babies in the water to see if they live. 138 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,433 You're being too emotional about this. 139 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:18,436 In your head you know if you want Ronnie to grow up... 140 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:20,438 you need to throw him out on his ass... 141 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,440 but your heart won't let you do it. 142 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:25,204 This kid needs tough love. Let me do it for you. 143 00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:28,439 [Ronnie] I think the cops might be coming. 144 00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,176 The neighborjust saw me peeing out the window. 145 00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:35,517 [Screaming] Help! Abuse! Abuse! 146 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,112 [Screaming Continues] Abuse! 147 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:41,125 Don't worry. My brother's good at teaching people stuff. 148 00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:43,991 Mom! 149 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:46,626 He taught me that. 150 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:53,036 [Earl Narrating] I was determined to make Ronnie independent... 151 00:07:53,138 --> 00:07:57,472 by doing the hard thing-staying tough and giving him the discipline he never got at home. 152 00:07:57,576 --> 00:08:00,044 You are lucky I dropped out of karate, man! 153 00:08:00,145 --> 00:08:02,045 I paid rent on this room for three days. 154 00:08:02,147 --> 00:08:05,310 You got that long to get a job. After that, you're on your own. 155 00:08:05,417 --> 00:08:07,885 - When do I get my allowance? - Fridays. 156 00:08:07,986 --> 00:08:11,478 There's no allowance! Just find a job. 157 00:08:14,092 --> 00:08:16,060 [TVTurns On] 158 00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:22,092 Something's wrong with Mr. Turtle. 159 00:08:23,168 --> 00:08:24,863 [Whispers] Oh, crap. 160 00:08:24,970 --> 00:08:27,905 By now he's usually spun this thing a whole quarter turn. 161 00:08:28,006 --> 00:08:31,999 Well, maybe you work him out too much. 162 00:08:32,110 --> 00:08:35,546 I mean, he's already got a six-pack on his belly. 163 00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:38,548 He must have tried to hump his heating rock again. 164 00:08:38,650 --> 00:08:40,845 The rejection always depresses him. 165 00:08:40,953 --> 00:08:43,080 [Mouthing Words] 166 00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:49,326 You know, Randy... 167 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,795 I've always wondered how good I'd be raising a teenager. 168 00:08:52,898 --> 00:08:55,924 I gotta say, I think I'd be pretty good at it. 169 00:08:56,034 --> 00:08:59,128 - [Toilet Flushes] - I like this tough dad thing. 170 00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:01,138 [Groaning] I don't know, Earl. 171 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,641 I'm a nervous wreck. No wonder Mom drank. 172 00:09:04,743 --> 00:09:06,643 I'm gonna go check the bullet hole... 173 00:09:06,745 --> 00:09:09,646 and see if my non-nonsense parenting has fixed Ronnie yet. 174 00:09:09,748 --> 00:09:12,308 - [TV: Indians Whooping] - [Earl Narrating] Unfortunately, he wasn't fixed. 175 00:09:12,417 --> 00:09:16,148 He was just lying there like a big slug. 176 00:09:17,689 --> 00:09:20,089 You just lost your TV privileges. 177 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:22,092 I hate you! 178 00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:25,322 [Earl Narrating] That's when I knew I was being a good parent, a tough parent. 179 00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:29,196 But the next day, Ronnie still hadn't done anything. 180 00:09:29,301 --> 00:09:32,293 Got two days left. Better get a job. 181 00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:35,066 I hate you! 182 00:09:35,173 --> 00:09:37,198 [Earl Narrating] But even with nothing in the room... 183 00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:39,675 Ronnie still found a way to waste time. 184 00:09:39,778 --> 00:09:41,905 Now you lost your zipper! 185 00:09:44,349 --> 00:09:46,340 Tomorrow you're out! Hope you're ready! 186 00:09:46,451 --> 00:09:49,079 - L- - I hate you more! 187 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:53,824 [Earl Narrating] Me and Joy were both trying to motivate someone... 188 00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,826 but she took a more loving approach. 189 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:59,455 Come on, walk, stupid. What do you need, some incentive? 190 00:10:03,335 --> 00:10:05,565 [Grunting] 191 00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:08,572 There you go. 192 00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:11,939 You want some more of that, you'd better get to walkin'. 193 00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:14,945 [Earl Narrating] After three days of not trying to get a job... 194 00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:16,947 I let the motel kick Ronnie out. 195 00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:20,644 I was hoping a night in the parking lot had finally made him a man. 196 00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:24,213 Son of a bitch! 197 00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,985 Homeless Mom, these eggs are amazing. 198 00:10:27,092 --> 00:10:28,992 Can I have some more? 199 00:10:29,094 --> 00:10:31,961 I'll see if I can find another nest. 200 00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:34,898 I can't believe you. 201 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,901 You're just mad lfigured out how to feed myself. 202 00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:41,803 You didn't feed yourself. You just talked a homeless woman into cooking baby birds for you. 203 00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:45,343 You're pathetic. For God's sakes, act like a man. 204 00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:48,504 It's not my fault they kicked me out. You only paid for three days. 205 00:10:48,613 --> 00:10:52,174 You're too old to be living in a motel room someone else is paying for. 206 00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:54,184 - Earl- - Not now. 207 00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:57,778 You got no job, no skills. All you do is mooch off other people. 208 00:10:57,889 --> 00:10:59,857 - Earl- - I said not now, Randy! 209 00:11:01,393 --> 00:11:05,261 You're 22 years old, man. Have some self-respect. It's just sad! 210 00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:08,060 I'm 31, and all that stuff describes me! 211 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:10,066 Randy, just go wait in the motel room. 212 00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:15,663 Who, me? The guy with no job, who has no skills? Go wait in the motel room you pay for? 213 00:11:15,774 --> 00:11:18,208 This isn't about you. It's about this loser. 214 00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:21,438 If you think he's a loser, then you must think I'm a loser too. 215 00:11:21,546 --> 00:11:24,242 - He does. He does think you're a loser. - I didn't say that! 216 00:11:24,349 --> 00:11:26,283 Do you think I could take care of myself? 217 00:11:26,385 --> 00:11:30,253 [High-pitched Voice] Yeah. Yeah, sure. Of course. 218 00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:33,290 Well, at least now I know the truth. 219 00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:35,087 Wh-Where you going? 220 00:11:35,193 --> 00:11:38,754 I'm going to prove to you that I can live on my own like a grown-up. 221 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:40,422 Cool! 222 00:11:40,532 --> 00:11:43,399 - I'm gonna follow you around now and probably live off you. - Hmm. 223 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:47,364 Looks like I got myself a Randy. 224 00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,683 Aren't you worried about Randy? 225 00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:02,652 Randy? My brother? Nah. 226 00:12:02,754 --> 00:12:04,779 He'll be back as soon as he gets hungry... 227 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:07,290 - or forgets he's running away. - [Car Approaches, Brakes Squeal] 228 00:12:07,392 --> 00:12:11,089 Either way, I'm not gonna get emotional about it, 'cause that's what they want you to do. 229 00:12:12,597 --> 00:12:14,087 You picked the wrong one, dummy! 230 00:12:16,001 --> 00:12:20,028 No. Other dummy. You picked the stupid turtle, and Darnell's getting suspicious. 231 00:12:20,138 --> 00:12:23,904 - Where's the one I gave you? - He's in the pool with all the other animals people dump. 232 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:27,501 I think there's a Shetland pony at the bottom. 233 00:12:27,612 --> 00:12:31,173 I'm conflicted. I would love to ratJoy out to Crabman. 234 00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:34,980 But I don't want him to worry about his poor little buddy out there on his own. 235 00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:38,989 - I think he'll be okay. - I don't know. Anything can happen. 236 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,185 It's a dangerous world out there for a helpless guy like that. 237 00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:45,695 It is a dangerous world out there. 238 00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:47,765 Bad things happen all the time. 239 00:12:47,866 --> 00:12:50,300 I mean, he's slow, he's vulnerable. 240 00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:53,667 He sure is. He doesn't even look before he crosses the street. 241 00:12:53,772 --> 00:12:56,935 If you touch him and you don't wash your hands, you could get salmonella. 242 00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:58,600 And he eats anything people give him. 243 00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:01,838 - When he falls on his back he can almost never get up. - I know. 244 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,144 I gotta roll him over all the time. Randy! 245 00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:08,318 - I screwed up. - 246 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,320 Our boys might be dead. 247 00:13:10,422 --> 00:13:13,323 248 00:13:15,994 --> 00:13:20,624 I can't believe this. You made me have a little boy, and now you made me lose him! 249 00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:23,496 I know, I know! I lost mine too! 250 00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:25,729 - This tough love isn't so easy, is it? - It's horrible! 251 00:13:25,837 --> 00:13:28,704 How can you not be emotional about somebody you love? 252 00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:32,072 - He's out there in 67-degree weather! - Did you pack light sweaters? 253 00:13:32,177 --> 00:13:33,872 - No! - Oh, God! 254 00:13:36,047 --> 00:13:38,447 - Ronnie! - Ronnie, it's Mommy! 255 00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:41,542 Randy, I got Rainbow Sugar Bits! 256 00:13:43,788 --> 00:13:45,756 Oh, thank God. 257 00:13:48,393 --> 00:13:50,293 "SARS." 258 00:13:50,395 --> 00:13:52,625 Must have been a Norwegian guy. 259 00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:55,700 [Sniffles] All right. We should keep looking. 260 00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:03,899 The only thing down there is a Shetland pony. 261 00:14:06,978 --> 00:14:09,503 - [Engine Off] - [Stereo] 262 00:14:09,614 --> 00:14:12,981 263 00:14:13,084 --> 00:14:14,984 Oh, that's my jam! 264 00:14:15,086 --> 00:14:17,816 265 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:21,415 - - 266 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:27,587 - - Oh! Hey, baby. What's going on? 267 00:14:27,699 --> 00:14:30,031 Mr. Turtle died this morning. 268 00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:32,603 He went quietly. [Stifled Sobbing] 269 00:14:33,972 --> 00:14:36,805 - - [Squeaks] 270 00:14:36,908 --> 00:14:39,172 - [Thud] - 271 00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:41,711 I am so sorry. 272 00:14:41,813 --> 00:14:43,713 Can't believe this is happening. 273 00:14:43,815 --> 00:14:46,409 Typically, his species lives to be 150. 274 00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:51,217 I guess his love of butter lettuce finally caught up to him. 275 00:14:53,425 --> 00:14:55,393 Too soon. 276 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,569 That's not Mr. Turtle. 277 00:15:04,669 --> 00:15:06,796 278 00:15:06,905 --> 00:15:09,305 I lost the real Mr. Turtle. 279 00:15:09,407 --> 00:15:11,807 I was bringing him to the Crab Shack... 280 00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:14,845 and I accidentally drove off with him on the roof of the car. 281 00:15:14,946 --> 00:15:17,073 Who's this son of a bitch then? 282 00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:21,084 Found him in the pond, trapped in a six-pack ring. 283 00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:26,186 You could have gotten away with this. 284 00:15:26,291 --> 00:15:29,192 I would have buried this bastard and never been the wiser. 285 00:15:29,294 --> 00:15:31,285 But you told the truth. 286 00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:35,891 You looked so sad. 287 00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:40,028 Couldn't put you through that just to protect myself. 288 00:15:40,138 --> 00:15:42,038 289 00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:45,200 That means Mr. Turtle's out there somewhere. 290 00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:49,007 If any reptile can make it home, it's him. 291 00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,446 [Earl Narrating] While Darnell was gaining hope... 292 00:15:51,549 --> 00:15:55,110 after searching all night in every place we could think of, we gave up. 293 00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,120 Don't worry. We'll find him. 294 00:15:57,222 --> 00:16:00,055 Everyone knows the cops say "probably dead" all the time. 295 00:16:00,158 --> 00:16:02,058 [Horn Beeps] 296 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,459 [Rachel Gasps] Ronnie! You're alive! 297 00:16:05,563 --> 00:16:07,622 Randy! 298 00:16:07,732 --> 00:16:10,633 Yeah, that's my brother. No, I gotta go. 299 00:16:10,735 --> 00:16:13,795 [Chuckling] Okay. Okay, yeah. Send me the link. 300 00:16:13,905 --> 00:16:16,806 Ye- 301 00:16:16,908 --> 00:16:19,536 Oka- [Chuckles] 302 00:16:20,578 --> 00:16:24,480 Okay, buddy. Yeah. I gotta jump. Okay. 303 00:16:24,582 --> 00:16:28,518 - [Beeps] - Earl, you're not gonna believe what happened. 304 00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:31,521 [Earl Narrating] After Randy and Ronnie left, they started walkin'. 305 00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:35,719 And since Randy now had a Randy ofhis own, he started feeling more responsible. 306 00:16:35,827 --> 00:16:38,227 I'm gonna start growing a mustache. 307 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,731 You watch out for aliens and birds. That's what the number two does. 308 00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:45,360 Most people don't understand how important that is. 309 00:16:47,472 --> 00:16:49,770 Sweet. A wallet. There's probably money in it. 310 00:16:49,874 --> 00:16:51,774 - Let's try crack. - No! 311 00:16:51,876 --> 00:16:53,776 It doesn't belong to us. 312 00:16:53,878 --> 00:16:57,439 Excuse me, sir. Think you dropped your wallet. 313 00:16:57,549 --> 00:16:59,779 [Earl Narrating] The man was so shocked by Randy's honesty... 314 00:16:59,884 --> 00:17:03,820 that he let the boys pick anything they wanted from the thrift store. 315 00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:07,323 Oh, check it out. My suit had a note in it. 316 00:17:07,425 --> 00:17:09,552 "Don't forget to buy milk." 317 00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:12,562 Ronnie, don't let me forget to buy milk. 318 00:17:12,664 --> 00:17:14,564 So what do we do now? 319 00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:16,759 - [Phone Ringing] - [Chattering] 320 00:17:16,868 --> 00:17:18,836 Let's follow those guys. 321 00:17:22,407 --> 00:17:25,035 [Earl Narrating] It turns out, when they started looking like grown-ups... 322 00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:27,543 people started treating them like grown-ups. 323 00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:29,545 Hello, gentlemen. 324 00:17:29,647 --> 00:17:32,548 Welcome to the American Flange, Stoppers and Fastener Manufacturers... 325 00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:34,641 Trade Association annual convention... 326 00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:37,313 where all your dreams can come true... 327 00:17:37,422 --> 00:17:40,050 as long as they're flange, stopper or fastener related. 328 00:17:43,728 --> 00:17:46,162 And as you can see, domestic flange production... 329 00:17:46,264 --> 00:17:48,824 has declined sharply over the past two quarters. 330 00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:51,299 Looking forward- Uh, where are you gentlemen going? 331 00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,963 Uh- 332 00:17:54,072 --> 00:17:56,336 This is boring. 333 00:17:56,441 --> 00:17:58,671 I don't even know why we're here. 334 00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:01,610 Oh, for God's sake, he's right. 335 00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:05,308 - [Men Murmuring] - Why are we dancing around the obvious? 336 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:09,683 [Stammers] The American flange used to be the envy of the world. 337 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:12,518 F.D.R. Once said... 338 00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:15,525 the pipes of freedom are held together... 339 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:18,027 by the American flange. 340 00:18:18,129 --> 00:18:20,859 Well, those pipes are leaking, damn it. 341 00:18:20,965 --> 00:18:22,865 These boys are right. 342 00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:26,198 It is high time we did something about it! 343 00:18:26,304 --> 00:18:28,602 - Yeah! - Yeah! 344 00:18:31,309 --> 00:18:33,209 [Earl Narrating] By the end of the day... 345 00:18:33,311 --> 00:18:36,144 - Randy and Ronnie were the hit of the convention. - [Tapping On Microphone] 346 00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:38,044 Okay, ladies and gentlemen... 347 00:18:38,149 --> 00:18:42,381 for the close of what has been the most exciting flange convention in years... 348 00:18:42,487 --> 00:18:44,614 we're giving away a golf cart... 349 00:18:44,722 --> 00:18:47,020 to the winner of our annual dance contest. 350 00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:51,357 [Man, Distorted Voice] Right about now, you're about to be possessed by the sounds- 351 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,363 Oh, no, they didn't! 352 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,365 Follow my lead. 353 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,367 - We got this. - [Man] 354 00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:00,370 - - Whoo 355 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,201 Whoo 356 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:05,970 - [Woman] to make a thing go right - [Cheering, Applause] 357 00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:07,736 I was worried sick! 358 00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:11,407 Why? I just did the things I learned by watching you. 359 00:19:11,516 --> 00:19:14,781 Whenever you have something important to do, you put on a suit. 360 00:19:14,886 --> 00:19:18,253 And I was honest when I found that wallet, just like you would have been. 361 00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:20,256 Plus, I took care of my Randy. 362 00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:23,725 [Earl Narrating] That's when I realized all you can do is teach 'em the best you can... 363 00:19:23,828 --> 00:19:25,728 and trust they'll find their way. 364 00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:27,730 It was amazing! 365 00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:31,632 There was free food and drinks and people were having fun at work. 366 00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:36,673 Oh, and someone called me "sir" and it wasn't followed by "You have to leave." 367 00:19:36,774 --> 00:19:39,174 [Earl Narrating] And after feeling that kind of respect... 368 00:19:39,277 --> 00:19:43,213 Ronnie decided to go back to school and even move out ofhis parents'house... 369 00:19:43,314 --> 00:19:45,942 even if it was just to the garage. 370 00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:48,518 Everyone's motivation for getting their life together is different. 371 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:51,350 For some people, it takes tough love. 372 00:19:51,456 --> 00:19:53,856 For Ronnie, it took hope for the future. 373 00:19:53,958 --> 00:19:58,156 - You didn't think I could take care of myself. - I was wrong. 374 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,728 Being a grown-up's easy, but it's just not my thing. 375 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:06,270 Boss man breathing down your neck 24/7. 376 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,601 You're only as good as your last idea, Earl. 377 00:20:08,706 --> 00:20:10,697 I hear that. 378 00:20:10,808 --> 00:20:14,437 Well, in case anything ever happens to you... 379 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,741 and I need to take care of myself... 380 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:20,579 I'm gonna take extra-special care of this suit. 381 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,481 - Night, Randy. - Night, Earl. 382 00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,851 383 00:20:31,963 --> 00:20:35,399 384 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,731 385 00:20:38,836 --> 00:20:41,600 386 00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:44,937 [Siren, Distant] 387 00:20:52,417 --> 00:20:55,318 Relax. No turtles were harmed shooting this episode. 388 00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:58,184 So please, no letters, crackpots!