1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,837 DISCLAIMER: No Skims suffered. 2 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:06,715 Lisa Ann Walter loves them and is jealous of the Kardashians. 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,240 This was for fun. 4 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,721 I think there is still many people are… 5 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,766 who don't know that I did this... 6 00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:19,436 That's why I got the invitation... 7 00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:22,815 to play in LA. 8 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,818 I like the medium. I like the communication… 9 00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:32,241 with the audience and that experience a unique event… 10 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,701 that takes place there and everyone knows it. 11 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:37,829 And it's just… You have to make people laugh. 12 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,136 Thank you. 13 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:56,765 I love you. 14 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,392 I love you guys. 15 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,607 I'm so happy you guys can all be seen here. 16 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:08,902 That's my girl. 17 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:15,242 Hello, Philadelphia. 18 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:22,249 And now I proudly welcome you... 19 00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:26,295 at It Was An Accident… 20 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:31,842 with the queen of comedy… 21 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:38,765 Lisa Ann Walter. 22 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,776 Yes, girl. 23 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:04,041 How are you, Philadelphia? 24 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,794 Oh, my God. 25 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,130 Okay, can we just... 26 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,715 Sheryl Lee Ralph. 27 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,511 That… 28 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:20,933 Really, that woman is a mood maker. 29 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,435 I'm so happy to be here. 30 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,776 First of all, thank you very much before your arrival. 31 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,487 When I come here it feels like I'm at home. 32 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:37,240 You hug me, give me kisses and feed me. 33 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,619 That's how it is here. Philly takes food seriously. 34 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,287 You guys are great. 35 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,875 Philly might be the trickiest food city where I once worked. 36 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,962 Philly goes so crazy with food that even Ozempic has arrived. 37 00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:53,864 My notes. 38 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,635 Don't worry. I have these notes... 39 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,929 because I'm old and can't remember anything. 40 00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:01,139 Anyone else? Who else is old here? 41 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,975 You are… No way. 42 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,089 Why do you call yourself old, my paisan? 43 00:03:05,215 --> 00:03:06,311 How old are you? 44 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,375 Thirty-eight. - That's not old. 45 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,194 They all hate you now. 46 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:19,074 Maybe you're old for the front row. 47 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,285 There's my sister. 48 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,913 What's your name? -Bonnie. 49 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:28,041 Bonnie. Bonnie is a name of our generation. 50 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,669 There is no Mackenzie. 51 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,171 Bonnie, how are you? 52 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,715 Good. - And you're outside. 53 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:35,966 Good for you. 54 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,677 We don't like going out. 55 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,847 We are completely blind at night. 56 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,308 Did you see that high five? 57 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,310 My daughter is here. - Is that your daughter? 58 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,103 Nice. And what's your name? Mackenzie? 59 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,772 Bridget. - Bridget. How old are you? 60 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,400 Twenty-four. - Twenty-four. 61 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,485 I have bras that are older. 62 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,265 Did you see how she gave me the high five? like a normal person? 63 00:03:58,391 --> 00:03:59,448 Have you seen that? 64 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,242 That's how we used to do it. 65 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,453 None of this. 66 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,954 Because half the time… 67 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,956 when i say hello and people do this... 68 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,082 it's like i... 69 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:12,270 play an old lady's game of rock, paper, scissors. 70 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,670 Are we doing a fist bump? 71 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,295 I don't understand. Just use your foot. 72 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,177 Weird. I know I'm old too, Bonnie. 73 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,721 I hurt myself in three ways. 74 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,348 I turned around too quickly. 75 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,645 Wrongly located? 76 00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:34,483 And I must have looked strange. 77 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,655 My back gave out. 78 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,448 Where are my Italians? 79 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:46,703 Great. And you were first so I'm coming to you. 80 00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,663 Where are you? What's your name? 81 00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:50,898 Greg Lyons. 82 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:52,733 You stood up. 83 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,545 Are we with the Kiwanis? 84 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,004 Are you Sicilian or normal? 85 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:01,992 Fair question. 86 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,077 That's a pizza joke. 87 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,683 Leone, what is that? - Thin crust. 88 00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,934 What? - Thin crust. 89 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,459 Thin crust. 90 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,373 That's a bit too personal. 91 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,902 That was so stupid. 92 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,487 This is for all my paisanos. 93 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,550 So that you feel at home. Finished? 94 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:28,602 I found you. 95 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,416 They're losers or they ran out a Polish wedding. 96 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,876 One of the two. Right? 97 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:38,964 All my Italian friends will recognize this little dilemma. 98 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:42,008 So I went to, Sheryl's son was getting married... 99 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,137 and there was a gift list, and I've had a lot of weddings. 100 00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,222 And they all had a gift list. 101 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,141 And the first one I saw said… 102 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,726 that she wanted pans. 103 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,251 I thought: What is that? 104 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,564 And they said: Then you know which gift they want. 105 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,627 I thought: An envelope with money. 106 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,196 You'll never miss the mark with this. 107 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:07,200 And then you put it in a satin bridal bag… 108 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,825 and grandma sits on it. 109 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,558 So the money smells like grandma's ass... 110 00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:15,917 But you're buying a house, so... 111 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,588 Where are my LGBTQ folks? Where are you? 112 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,341 Thank you very much. Thanks for coming. 113 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:26,428 And also for show. 114 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,954 Shut up. 115 00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:31,786 Where are my teachers? Teachers? 116 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:35,937 Double duty. 117 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,689 How are you? 118 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,631 No joke necessary. 119 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:43,109 Those are already your salaries. 120 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,242 Man up, America. 121 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,329 So stupid what's happening. 122 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:56,291 Things are getting really crazy, aren't they, in the country? 123 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,793 It wasn't like we had no problems... 124 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,504 that we couldn't solve and suddenly… 125 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,594 If I had known we were on The Handmaid's Tale… 126 00:07:07,719 --> 00:07:10,032 heading off, then I would have a red cape… 127 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,180 and I still ate carbohydrates. 128 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,622 My fat ass deserves freedom. 129 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,648 One reason I'm here... 130 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,609 is that there are places where I dare not go. 131 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:26,047 So Philly is not one of them. I come here and I think... 132 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:30,325 This is what I get. 133 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,576 I'm looking at a map. 134 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,201 There are whole parts where I say: Nope. 135 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,352 Swipe left. All. 136 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:42,128 But I like being here because I have twin boys at home… 137 00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:44,816 so I like to be in front of people who like me. 138 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,051 Thank you. 139 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,845 They are so mean. 140 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,890 Anyone have teenagers? 141 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,935 Do you have teenagers? What's your name? 142 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,917 Julie. - Julie. How old are your children? 143 00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,105 Twenty and sixteen. 144 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,982 Twenty and 16. Boys, girls? 145 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:03,358 One of each. - One of each. 146 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,883 That's a set. 147 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,260 Do they still live at home? 148 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,096 Yes. 149 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,494 Are they here? - No, that's why we're here. 150 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:17,247 Good. Even when they leave home, they come back. 151 00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:19,082 So be prepared, okay? 152 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,750 They go to college… 153 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,503 and then they come back to condemn you. 154 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,716 They shout at you because they can. Bridget. 155 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,887 They don't give Mom a moment's rest. My children then. 156 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,807 First, the twins is only two out of four. 157 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,976 I have four in total. 158 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:42,731 Thanks for clapping for my efficient uterus. 159 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,274 Thank you. 160 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,985 I got pregnant despite all contraception. 161 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,236 I mean it. 162 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:52,115 My Italian genes said: You're making babies, bitch. 163 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,534 Look at your hips. 164 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,454 And I got four. 165 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,706 Four, because my vagina is a mess. 166 00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:01,231 Thanks, four. 167 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,066 I live in a shoe. 168 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,212 I have four children, two ex-husbands. 169 00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:07,631 Two children each… 170 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,256 Julie, because no one should get jealous. 171 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:15,555 With the first ex-husband, a nice Jew, it turned out we had too much in common. 172 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,243 He also liked men. 173 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,875 That happens. 174 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:24,314 The second is a deceiver, which is not technically a religion… 175 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,314 but that's how he practiced it. 176 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,194 This son of a bitch was orthodox. 177 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,363 So that didn't last long. 178 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,908 But the four children… 179 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:38,161 They are young men now. 180 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,704 I don't call them teenagers. 181 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,165 Which one is 20? The boy or the girl? - Girl. 182 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,709 The girl. Has she passed the awkward age? 183 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,252 Yes. - They can be tricky. 184 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,255 My daughter was never difficult. She's perfect. 185 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,881 She's here tonight. Stop it. 186 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:54,719 She's not there. 187 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,930 Just kidding, but the boys... 188 00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,933 I have a question, for I have never been a young man. 189 00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:02,621 I know there are rumors on the internet. 190 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:05,188 I just have a deep voice. 191 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,524 But answer this question. 192 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:08,900 What's your name, comrade? 193 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,110 Eric. - Eric? 194 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:13,279 Yes. - Eric, tell me about young boys. 195 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,904 Why do you smell like that? 196 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,284 Well. - It's a lot. 197 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:20,870 You do your best and I don't want to be mean... 198 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:26,918 and you have more equipment to manage and it's hot... 199 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:31,006 it gets humid, I understand. 200 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,319 But it's not just the balls that stink. 201 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,012 Seriously, that's not uncharted territory. 202 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:40,807 I've been around. I know the smell. Right? 203 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:43,643 Bonnie, you and I know it. 204 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:45,961 She has experience. 205 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:49,315 Leave her alone. Bonnie and I know. 206 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,943 It stinks like balls... 207 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,988 wet dog, meth lab… 208 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,198 and Cheetos. 209 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,326 Are your children Gen Z activists? 210 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,745 Yes. - Yeah, good for you. 211 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,079 That's why I like you. 212 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,999 You're going through a lot that we will not experience… 213 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:10,211 with which Bonnie, me and the other old ones are not known. 214 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:14,257 But we have been through a lot that you will never experience… 215 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:18,132 like the fact that it's no one who cared where we were. 216 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,681 Never. 217 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,475 What's your name? 218 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,768 Jesse. -Jesse. 219 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,479 Nobody cared where you were when you were young. 220 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,398 You left the house in the morning… 221 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,318 and there were only two lines. 222 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:36,488 You won't come back home until? 223 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,448 The street lights came on. 224 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:41,367 Yes. And in between no one cared. 225 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:42,994 Nobody cared. 226 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:46,619 I was running through a field with a mega bottle of Olde English 800… 227 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:51,499 and I broke into local swimming pools because it was so hot. 228 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,963 With the police present. 229 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:57,425 I didn't care. I was handsome and a maid, so they ignored it. 230 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,488 Watch her climb over the fence. 231 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,807 Those were different times, weren't they? 232 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:06,059 Nobody cared. 233 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:10,480 No one called to see if anyone had enough seat belts... 234 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,816 like when you went out with your friends. 235 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,609 Nobody cared. 236 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,779 Will the parent be there? Is someone supervising? 237 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,197 Nobody cared. 238 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,366 There were no baby seats, Bridge. 239 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,576 There were no baby seats. 240 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,829 Remember? 241 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:29,290 If you had a baby, you put him in the back... 242 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,125 and he rolled around... 243 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:33,735 like a marble… 244 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,547 until he's behind... 245 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,278 the driver's seat landed. 246 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,971 And you'd say, OK, he's stuck. 247 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,496 We can go. 248 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:46,307 You went out with friends… 249 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,017 to a fair or something. 250 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,896 There was no call about the car. No one cared whether you fit or not. 251 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:55,275 You just went to the uncle's with the El Camino. 252 00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,986 Remember that crappy car, Jesse? 253 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,029 Do you remember that? This is it, Bridge. 254 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:04,951 It was a front sedan and a pickup truck at the back. 255 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,204 It was like the mat of the automotive world. 256 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:13,810 And then, which of the drunken uncles even put down his Schlitz… 257 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:17,940 he loaded all the children into the back, like a kind of woodpile… 258 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:19,465 in the cargo box. 259 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,510 Then you took us to the fair and said, Fuck off. 260 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:26,598 No cell phones, no appointment to come home. 261 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:29,223 Simply: Here's a roll of cards. Success. 262 00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,269 Then come the attractions. 263 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,271 And so were our attractions, Bridge. 264 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:37,025 Remember the Gravitron? 265 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:41,154 Do you remember the Gravitron? The circle? 266 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:45,575 You stood in it and it spun around… and nothing kept you on board. 267 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,763 It wasn't a Transformer situation... 268 00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:54,459 You were strapped in with a mesh belt and no one checked to see if it was stuck. 269 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,503 And you stood up straight and just dangled there… 270 00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,632 and this thing started faster and run faster... 271 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,009 and then the bottom let go. 272 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:07,948 And the only thing that kept you on board were your rich imagination... 273 00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,683 and the fear... 274 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:14,270 that the puke would hit you from the other side. 275 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,981 If you were tough, you climbed halfway… 276 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,733 the wall as Spider-Man. 277 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,698 Disturbed, no one cared. 278 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,534 I really admire their generation… 279 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,995 because they care about things and do things. 280 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,749 Really, the world is… You care about everything… 281 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,669 except customer service, I notice. 282 00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,296 They don't like that. 283 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,257 Customer service is optional. 284 00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,968 Do you want fries and a Big Mac? 285 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,703 Damn headset, fuck off. 286 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,436 I'm at Starbucks, with kids. 287 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,355 Wrong order. Give it back. 288 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,566 The barista will solve it. Don't be a jerk, Mom. 289 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:05,947 It's six dollars and it's my money. Give back. 290 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,949 They lecture me... 291 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:11,035 about collective career insecurity… 292 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,620 and gig economy. 293 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,331 I am an actor. I have been unemployed 90% of my life. 294 00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:18,126 I know, rat. 295 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,796 But they're coming home, right, Julie? 296 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,340 Do you know why? Free food and wifi. 297 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,301 Right, Eric? 298 00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,551 You'll be back. I have all the channels. 299 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,850 And they take all their stoned gamer friends along. 300 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:36,686 Every time I see people who I've never met before... 301 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:39,897 that look like the cast of Wednesday. 302 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,193 Hi, Spencer's mom. 303 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,321 Take everyone with you. 304 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,365 There's sauce on the stove. 305 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,118 But give me five minutes. 306 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:55,618 Then mom can put on a bra. How about that? 307 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,915 These permanently stiff nipples? 308 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,165 That's your fault too little breastfeeding bastard. 309 00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:07,525 Nobody wants your friends to have a boner getting the babysitter from The Parent Trap. 310 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:16,225 This poor child. Sorry, Spencer's mom. 311 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,707 I don't know if I take it as a compliment must see. 312 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,151 I have been lately so often angry, I swear. 313 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:28,714 Because I'm a grown woman in America and I'm paying attention. 314 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,741 Certain laws scare me. 315 00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:33,534 There are states I don't visit. 316 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:36,871 I would make a movie about a break in Texas… 317 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,624 and I was afraid to go, because there are laws... 318 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:43,377 that could land you in jail if you have a miscarriage. 319 00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,838 They can throw you in jail for manslaughter... 320 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:50,301 and I knew this the crazy Sicilian side of me. 321 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:53,471 We are a very pessimistic people. We think… Seriously. 322 00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,973 We have been invaded by everyone in the world… 323 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:59,685 so every Sicilian you know, says: What's going to screw me? 324 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:04,148 That's what I think, because I have it from my grandparents. 325 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,943 Like: How am I going to get screwed? That's how they screw you. 326 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,821 When I go to Texas to make a movie... 327 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:14,075 is that the week that one of my last three dusty eggs… 328 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:17,326 I have three left. 329 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,414 They are old, sad and dusty. 330 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,166 Julie, they'll be right out. 331 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,337 But I have three. 332 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:31,217 When I go to Texas to make a movie... 333 00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:34,842 is that the week that one of those damn eggs pops up. 334 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:38,266 So my hormones are working overtime... 335 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,852 and I'm going to arrange something nice called Thor. 336 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,273 Let me tell you an industry secret. 337 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,066 There is always a Thor. 338 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,236 And if not, I'll call it something like this... 339 00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:52,424 because that's how mom gets her money's worth. 340 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,242 Thor and I look at each other… 341 00:17:56,367 --> 00:18:00,246 and everything in my body screams: I have to mate with Thor. 342 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:03,541 Thor and I go to the trailer for some lunchtime fun. 343 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:07,753 And Thor's super cum will be my sad, fertilize the extinguished egg. 344 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:12,049 And that thing will take one look at… 345 00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,594 my dilapidated womb… 346 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:18,431 where there has been no action for a long time has taken place. 347 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:22,518 With a grumpy concierge who cleans up fairground waste. 348 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,104 That's my uterus, Jesse. 349 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,985 That thing looks around... 350 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,572 and says: Who is the landlord here? 351 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:38,826 He quickly leaves and boom, they locked me up. 352 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,496 I end up in jail in San Antonio… 353 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,164 because 30% of this country thought... 354 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,789 that the Taliban have a few had good ideas. 355 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:49,063 That happens to the babysitter Not The Parent Trap. 356 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:57,744 She's so nice. 357 00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:00,973 That makes me angry. Of what else? 358 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:02,498 Stupid women. 359 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,478 I can say it, right? 360 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,355 Yes, the lesbians support me. 361 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,649 I don't like… All men say: I… 362 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,984 don't do it, You're not getting me with this one. 363 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:14,797 I'm not getting cancelled at your show tonight. 364 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:18,032 I don't like it if they represent us. 365 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,782 I don't like that Lauren Boebert. Stupid bitch. 366 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,538 She's stupid. 367 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,791 I don't care about your politics she's stupid. 368 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,087 First, she gets arrested because she's high... 369 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:33,714 and being groped at a Broadway show? 370 00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:37,760 You're a congressman, ma'am. 371 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,262 If I knew that was possible... 372 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:42,014 I had been a candidate for a long time. 373 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:47,269 How dare you discover this sooner? 374 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,567 She's stupid. Lauren Boebert is so stupid. 375 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,610 How stupid is she? 376 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:57,613 Lauren Boebert is so stupid that she thought the branches… 377 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:01,051 the Nina government, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. 378 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,184 Stop. 379 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,955 One more. Lauren Boebert is so stupid. 380 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,748 How stupid is she? 381 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,125 Lauren Boebert thought… 382 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,252 that the Supreme Court the court was. 383 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,337 With guacamole and sour cream. 384 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,925 The second stupid joke. 385 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:22,430 Okay. You get that as a gift. 386 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,765 Share that Monday at work. 387 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:28,390 Just say you came up with it. He can come home. 388 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:32,648 I don't like mature women with baby voices. 389 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,318 Right? Oh, my God. 390 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,863 Thank God. 391 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,990 Do you have friends like that, Bridge, who… 392 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:43,242 No, I'll stay away from them. - Good for you. 393 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,244 When you're sitting at the table with girls… 394 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,329 and one of you isn't laughing... 395 00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:51,227 then your friends didn't say anything. 396 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,544 Take matters into your own hands. 397 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:56,297 You meet one of them those Kardashian wannabe bitches… 398 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,610 and says, My God, you're cute. 399 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,010 Just before the last syllable… 400 00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,760 you punch them in the throat. 401 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,304 My god, you're so cute. 402 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,412 The Kardashians are guilty. 403 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,019 As always. 404 00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:13,814 Seriously, I'm wearing one now from their bodysuits… 405 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,191 from Good American. 406 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,610 Skims are devilish. 407 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:22,490 Has anyone tried put on their clothes, Skims? 408 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,617 They hate American women. 409 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:29,742 It cost me a blood vessel to get that thing over my ass. 410 00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:34,019 I had to lie down and get help. I had to scream for help. 411 00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:37,043 This is not part of the act but you started. 412 00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:39,173 I'm wearing the bodysuit now... 413 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:42,051 and I'm going to tell you a secret. Are you ready? 414 00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:43,576 No, she isn't. 415 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,536 He's not stuck. 416 00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:53,020 I mean, no. 417 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:57,525 I swear, that thing fits like this buried deep in my ass… 418 00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,735 that it comes close to fucking. 419 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:02,363 Don't. 420 00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,031 I said that out loud. 421 00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,618 I've never had that before done for public. 422 00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:10,102 We love you. 423 00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:18,295 Please, Sheryl is so ashamed of me right now. 424 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:21,298 I don't like that stupid thing. 425 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:24,218 Listen, if you tonight you're out with your husband, Jesse... 426 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,679 and his beautiful lady, and you go out... 427 00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:31,058 and if she wants to spend money: Buy me a pony, daddy. 428 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,933 I'm not saying you do that. But if you want. 429 00:22:34,395 --> 00:22:37,648 No one should humiliate you. That's your thing. 430 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,817 If that's how you get what you want. Hoppa. 431 00:22:39,942 --> 00:22:42,987 I don't want to hear it in a professional setting. 432 00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:44,905 I don't want to hear it at work. 433 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:47,324 I don't want to hear it at school... 434 00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:49,201 and not to the doctor. 435 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,246 Not at the doctor. 436 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,915 I went to the gynecologist because… 437 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,042 That's what women do for fun. 438 00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:59,860 Once a year… 439 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:04,341 let's check whether something can kill us. 440 00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:06,260 That's why we're going, right? 441 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:09,013 If I'm wrong, stop me. 442 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:12,892 We have our uterus checked... 443 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:15,392 falls out and our breasts implode. 444 00:23:16,854 --> 00:23:21,275 Has our vagina shriveled up? That means dead pussy. 445 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,173 At least that's what I heard. 446 00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:32,703 That's why we're going. 447 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:35,372 But they make you suffer. 448 00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:38,292 It's like Survivor, once a year. 449 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,961 They have a table, where you have to climb… 450 00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:43,380 and it's so wide. 451 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,175 They let you climb on them. But none of us are tall. 452 00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:48,719 Who is tall enough? Only Sheryl. 453 00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:52,431 The rest of us climb on the side up. 454 00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:56,060 And then you lie on top of it on your back like a turtle. 455 00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:57,728 And then they tell you what? 456 00:23:57,853 --> 00:23:59,897 Move over. - Move over. 457 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,441 Just a little more. 458 00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:03,943 Just a little more. - Thank you. 459 00:24:04,068 --> 00:24:06,443 Thanks for playing the game with me. 460 00:24:06,820 --> 00:24:09,990 Then you move on even more… And now you're close... 461 00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:13,077 But not close enough for them. 462 00:24:13,202 --> 00:24:17,452 You have to move all the way, but now your ass is stuck to the paper. 463 00:24:18,916 --> 00:24:22,252 And so you have to move up and the paper tears. 464 00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:26,340 Now your sweaty ass is sitting stuck to the plastic. 465 00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:29,468 That's what it sounds like when you move. 466 00:24:31,762 --> 00:24:33,347 You get all the way to the end. 467 00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:36,410 They place your feet in stirrups and: Relax. 468 00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:44,024 So you try and then they grab to an object, a speculum. 469 00:24:44,149 --> 00:24:46,986 Jesse, do you know that? Do you know what that is? 470 00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:48,511 Yes. - Why? 471 00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:50,865 Okay, he knows. 472 00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:52,700 If you don't know what it is... 473 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:55,244 it's a pair of metal salad tongs... 474 00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,599 which they apparently keep in the freezer. 475 00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:03,293 They take it and insert them carefully. 476 00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:06,088 They spread it out completely. 477 00:25:07,006 --> 00:25:09,508 And they say: You feel maybe some discomfort. 478 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,844 And you say: Get the hell out of here. 479 00:25:15,723 --> 00:25:17,123 So, wait… 480 00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:22,852 Thanks guys kept it up. 481 00:25:24,023 --> 00:25:25,941 My doctor was hilarious. 482 00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:27,902 She took a look and said: 483 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,402 Haven't been in a relationship for a while? 484 00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:35,659 I said: What are you looking at? 485 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:39,910 She said: I can't see any further then the cobwebs. 486 00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:43,190 That bitch. 487 00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:47,046 She was right. It's been a while. 488 00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:49,421 Hilarious, so I gave a high five. 489 00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:53,404 She made this sound when she opened it. 490 00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:00,476 It was years ago that I had been in a relationship. 491 00:26:00,601 --> 00:26:02,561 I like men. I have four kids. 492 00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,480 I like men, but... 493 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:09,148 I have their stuff don't like it in my house. 494 00:26:09,777 --> 00:26:11,111 Is that wrong? 495 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:14,365 Who is in a long relationship… Jesse, are you married? 496 00:26:14,490 --> 00:26:15,950 Are you married? Al… 497 00:26:16,075 --> 00:26:19,075 He shows me his ring. I'm not flirting with you. 498 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,455 Have you been together long? 499 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:22,706 Yes. - Okay, great. 500 00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,459 Yes, I like a long-term relationship. But… 501 00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,711 I can't see myself doing it again because I… 502 00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,463 All drawers are full. 503 00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:33,880 Every now and then I want a man in my vagina, not in my closet. 504 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,345 Keep your things at home. 505 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:41,433 If I ever do something for Shark Tank were to find out, it would be this. 506 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,060 I think it's brilliant. 507 00:26:43,644 --> 00:26:45,044 Uber Dick. 508 00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:50,150 Come over, bring the cock and go. 509 00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:51,610 Just like with Uber… 510 00:26:51,735 --> 00:26:53,673 If he doesn't come, you can cancel. 511 00:26:59,785 --> 00:27:02,704 Meanwhile the gays say: It's called Grindr. 512 00:27:04,373 --> 00:27:05,773 Sucker. 513 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:07,251 We have that. 514 00:27:07,376 --> 00:27:10,587 Anyway, a few weeks pass and I think: Okay… 515 00:27:10,712 --> 00:27:13,132 everything is fine. No, I'm getting a phone call. 516 00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,968 Now I'm terrified because why are they calling? 517 00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:17,720 This is what I hear. 518 00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:19,805 Hi, Miss Walter. 519 00:27:20,806 --> 00:27:25,435 Your test results have just arrived and there seems to be an anomaly. 520 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:39,157 Yes, your results were weird. 521 00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:44,348 You have to come back for a follow-up appointment. 522 00:27:50,127 --> 00:27:52,565 I thought: Is there a doctor nearby... 523 00:27:52,963 --> 00:27:55,026 or a nurse or your mother? 524 00:27:55,591 --> 00:28:00,091 We're talking about oncology results. I want to talk to an adult. 525 00:28:00,304 --> 00:28:01,889 Okay, Kylie? 526 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,143 Here's something else which makes me angry. 527 00:28:06,268 --> 00:28:07,936 When I was at the gynecologist... 528 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,523 she told me about something what women ask her about. 529 00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:14,902 It's another operation that we have to go through. 530 00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:17,446 Now you need a big ass as a woman. 531 00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:19,198 For years, a butt was a no-no. 532 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:21,617 Then you had to look like a Charlie's Angel... 533 00:28:21,742 --> 00:28:23,368 and having an ass was forbidden. 534 00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,746 And now everyone pays for ass. 535 00:28:25,871 --> 00:28:27,331 And what about the Sicilian one? 536 00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:28,956 I was born with this. 537 00:28:29,166 --> 00:28:32,920 You're embarrassing me, but... every week we have to do something new. 538 00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:35,506 And then we have surgery and before you know it… 539 00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:38,508 we look like Matt Gaetz. What is this? 540 00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:43,806 This was the new operation what this doctor told me about. 541 00:28:43,931 --> 00:28:45,994 It's called vaginal rejuvenation. 542 00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:47,559 Do you know this? 543 00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:50,062 Yes. - Because I don't and I saw... 544 00:28:50,187 --> 00:28:53,482 a spa treatment. 545 00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:57,838 Maybe it's a mud bath. What is it different? 546 00:28:57,986 --> 00:29:01,365 I've never had any complaints about my vagina... 547 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:02,783 but who knows? 548 00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:06,662 Maybe I can improve something. And I said: What does the treatment entail? 549 00:29:06,787 --> 00:29:09,957 What's happening? Is it some kind of serum? 550 00:29:10,082 --> 00:29:13,335 And she says: No, they cut off your labia. 551 00:29:15,379 --> 00:29:17,942 That's exactly the right response, Philly. 552 00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,736 All men and women here must… 553 00:29:23,261 --> 00:29:27,975 Men, you felt that inside you private parts, right? Why? 554 00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:32,104 Why would you do that? It's an erogenous zone. 555 00:29:32,229 --> 00:29:34,273 It feels good when you touch it. 556 00:29:34,398 --> 00:29:37,192 The whole area does this work. 557 00:29:37,693 --> 00:29:39,756 The lesbians discovered this. 558 00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:42,155 They've cracked the code. 559 00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:47,073 It's not just a flap from God to keep ants out. 560 00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:51,997 It also keeps ants out. 561 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,750 For when you're naked participate in a picnic. 562 00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:58,463 A bonus. That's not what it's about. 563 00:29:59,589 --> 00:30:00,841 It has to go. What do you mean? 564 00:30:00,966 --> 00:30:03,427 Because it's not that cute? 565 00:30:03,552 --> 00:30:05,762 Have you seen your balls, Jesse? 566 00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:12,269 Precisely. And not just your balls. Not just you. 567 00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:15,981 Just Eric's balls and Greg's balls. Everyone's balls. 568 00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:19,067 Balls. Your balls look on Winston Churchill. 569 00:30:19,192 --> 00:30:20,592 All the balls. 570 00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:22,321 All your balls. 571 00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:23,530 We don't care. 572 00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,699 We love you and your balls. 573 00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:29,244 She loves your balls. If not, then she pretends. 574 00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:31,121 That's what you do when you love someone. 575 00:30:31,246 --> 00:30:33,246 We say: Those cute balls. 576 00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:37,374 Sorry, it's Jesse. Wait, I'll grab a handful. 577 00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,588 Look at that cute… 578 00:30:44,885 --> 00:30:45,928 Look at that… 579 00:30:46,053 --> 00:30:50,015 Do you need that cute… Look at those Winston Churchill balls. 580 00:30:50,140 --> 00:30:53,015 Watch how you save London during the Blitz. 581 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:58,065 I'll spoil you on your birthday. 582 00:31:00,734 --> 00:31:03,070 I don't have anything cut away. 583 00:31:03,195 --> 00:31:05,072 I promise you, Philly. 584 00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:07,991 If I ever close for renovations… 585 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:10,577 I'm thinking more about expansion. 586 00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:14,915 Add a few relaxing chairs… 587 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,793 a big screen, a few beer taps. 588 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:22,631 Making it more hospitable, more like a small man cave. 589 00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:25,548 I make it Chickie's and Pete's. 590 00:31:27,761 --> 00:31:29,596 But no crab herb fries. 591 00:31:35,936 --> 00:31:37,874 I never say that on stage. 592 00:31:39,397 --> 00:31:40,899 Or somewhere else. 593 00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:43,634 Sorry, Sheryl. 594 00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:49,199 I'm turning it into a man cave. 595 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:52,012 Or for the lesbians, a Barbie dream house. 596 00:31:52,869 --> 00:31:54,269 It's already pink. 597 00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,623 How long have you been together? 598 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,334 Eleven years. - Eleven and you have children together? 599 00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:02,379 Did you meet online? or in real life? 600 00:32:02,504 --> 00:32:03,880 Real life. - Yes? 601 00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:05,405 Yes. 602 00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:07,866 It's them. 603 00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:12,514 Can anyone beat that? Can anyone beat 11 years? 604 00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:14,952 Have you been together longer? How long? 605 00:32:15,851 --> 00:32:17,644 He just looked at his wife. 606 00:32:19,146 --> 00:32:23,275 How long? I raised my hand, because I knew it was longer than 11. 607 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,235 But after that I was stuck. 608 00:32:26,403 --> 00:32:28,405 How long have you been married? 609 00:32:28,530 --> 00:32:31,032 Twenty-nine. - She knows exactly. 610 00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:34,995 When is your wedding day? Tell me that number. What is the date? 611 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,520 September… 612 00:32:37,372 --> 00:32:40,959 You didn't see what happened. 613 00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:44,880 I said: When is your wedding day? I thought she was going to say it... 614 00:32:45,005 --> 00:32:48,175 and that would help him for the next anniversary… 615 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:51,052 and she immediately threw him for the bus. 616 00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:54,222 When is your anniversary? 617 00:32:55,849 --> 00:32:57,912 Back to you in the studio, Jim. 618 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,440 I'll let you play around. 619 00:33:04,024 --> 00:33:05,275 It's September 29. 620 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,651 To remember? - My life. 621 00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,570 I know, but she loves you. 622 00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:10,155 I think so. - Yes, they… 623 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,783 For twenty-nine years. - She's putting up with me. 624 00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:15,410 Or she has life insurance. 625 00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:20,373 If you watch murder porn, that's always the story. 626 00:33:20,916 --> 00:33:23,729 I didn't know there was a life insurance policy. 627 00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:27,047 I watch so much murder porn. 628 00:33:28,340 --> 00:33:31,093 That's why I don't go out. 629 00:33:31,218 --> 00:33:33,053 I stay home and watch... 630 00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:35,806 Friday night, by the way, are there any single women here? 631 00:33:35,931 --> 00:33:40,727 Dateline will be on Friday evening broadcast on one channel. 632 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:43,605 On the other it's 20/20. I zap up and down. 633 00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:48,026 It's always the man. A woman is always killed. 634 00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:50,987 It's always the man with insurance. 635 00:33:51,112 --> 00:33:53,365 That's why I stay home and watch Dateline… 636 00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:56,201 or as I call it: Why I Don't Date Line. 637 00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:01,289 When I hear stories like that... 638 00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:03,542 of this beautiful couple, Jesse and Kelsey… 639 00:34:03,667 --> 00:34:05,067 and you there… 640 00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:09,422 I think: This is what people look like who meet and are together. 641 00:34:09,547 --> 00:34:11,883 And that doesn't happen in LA. 642 00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:13,468 Because everyone is a jerk. 643 00:34:13,593 --> 00:34:16,179 Serious. There are so many spoiled people... 644 00:34:16,304 --> 00:34:18,723 and that's because everyone is unrealistic. 645 00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:22,435 All the beautiful women across America, as soon as a girl becomes prom queen… 646 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:26,398 everyone says: You should become an actress. She's going to do that. 647 00:34:27,357 --> 00:34:29,484 Five of them make it and the rest… 648 00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:32,571 does normal jobs as dental hygienists… 649 00:34:32,696 --> 00:34:35,323 and spoil the beauty from everyone. 650 00:34:35,448 --> 00:34:38,994 So all men are spoiled dicks. The women are selfish too… 651 00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:41,163 because they are now disappointed… 652 00:34:41,288 --> 00:34:43,832 because they are with a bad one producer have to get married. 653 00:34:43,957 --> 00:34:47,377 So everyone treats each other badly and now you try... 654 00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:49,087 Every couple you see… 655 00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:52,632 is a 70 year old man with a 24 year old girl… 656 00:34:52,757 --> 00:34:54,176 with three year old tits… 657 00:34:54,301 --> 00:34:56,303 and lips with the price tag. 658 00:34:57,345 --> 00:34:59,222 And he always brags: 659 00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,808 She really is that smart. She designs bags. 660 00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:03,852 Shut up. 661 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:06,771 She doesn't design bags. 662 00:35:06,896 --> 00:35:09,649 She's an idiot and you too, Cryptkeeper. 663 00:35:10,465 --> 00:35:11,693 The women get… 664 00:35:11,818 --> 00:35:15,489 It's unfair, because beautiful women are single. 665 00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:17,490 So that's what I mean. Beautiful… 666 00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:19,284 women exist. 667 00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:21,536 But some getting really desperate... 668 00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,246 and undergo all operations. 669 00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:28,627 Like grandmas in Beverly Hills with a turkey neck, like that. 670 00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:30,152 I have to go to the man. 671 00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,172 And very thin yoga arms. 672 00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:35,467 All grandmothers have them. 673 00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:39,846 Grandmas aren't allowed have such arms. 674 00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,890 I'm East Coast Italian. 675 00:35:42,015 --> 00:35:46,227 Grandmas need big, sturdy ones to have arms. 676 00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:51,358 You can rest on it for a while when you get tired... 677 00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:55,362 or you can hang on it and swing if you want to play… 678 00:35:55,487 --> 00:35:58,281 or when she drives you around and she stops for a moment... 679 00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:02,911 she can give you a swish like that and her arm fat acts like an airbag. 680 00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:06,206 They should be that big and sturdy. 681 00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,751 People who try… The first time I went online… 682 00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:12,254 wanted to meet people for Abbott. Right? 683 00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,673 I was just anonymous. 684 00:36:14,798 --> 00:36:17,759 The first man who approached me, asked two questions. 685 00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:21,680 He said: How old are you and how much do you weigh? 686 00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:25,332 Right? 687 00:36:25,642 --> 00:36:27,185 First of all, how old am I? 688 00:36:27,310 --> 00:36:29,748 Cut me open and count the rings, you son of a bitch. 689 00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:35,356 I'm in the phase of Au, my sciatica. That's how old... 690 00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:39,990 I said: It took me 45 minutes to find a parking spot. 691 00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:42,909 I just got in. I'm counting the minutes until I... 692 00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:46,454 my bra and shoes can pull out -years old. 693 00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:49,874 How much do you weigh? Because… 694 00:36:49,999 --> 00:36:52,043 In the past women had to be thin. 695 00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:54,337 Young people are now confident about their bodies. 696 00:36:54,462 --> 00:36:55,463 Any size is possible. 697 00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:59,463 Now they finally love my fat one, Sicilian ass, because… 698 00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:05,223 Now they pay money for it. 699 00:37:06,516 --> 00:37:09,644 But then I didn't, and I hated myself... 700 00:37:09,769 --> 00:37:11,396 because I had shapes… 701 00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:14,566 and people had a prejudice… 702 00:37:14,691 --> 00:37:16,276 against people with a figure… 703 00:37:16,401 --> 00:37:18,069 because everyone had to be thin. 704 00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:19,446 Do you remember that time? 705 00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:23,116 We should have had a slogan, like the gays… 706 00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:25,952 so we could tell people that they had to fuck off. 707 00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,414 Gays have a great slogan since Stonewall. 708 00:37:29,539 --> 00:37:32,792 It was: We are here, we're queer, get used to it. 709 00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:36,338 We are there, we're queer, get used to it. 710 00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:39,424 People who are a bit fatter should have something like that too. 711 00:37:39,549 --> 00:37:43,386 Like: We're just fat, give me pizza. 712 00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:48,975 I'm still working on it. 713 00:37:49,100 --> 00:37:51,227 Work in progress. 714 00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:54,105 I'm almost there. - It's okay. 715 00:37:55,648 --> 00:37:58,193 I don't want to go anywhere, I want to stay home. 716 00:37:58,318 --> 00:38:00,028 With my gay ex-husband. 717 00:38:00,153 --> 00:38:02,614 That's what we do. 718 00:38:02,739 --> 00:38:05,575 I'm looking forward to come home on Sunday evening and he… 719 00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:07,327 is already texting me: What time are you coming? 720 00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:09,746 Because he wants to know whether we will watch it live. 721 00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:13,291 Or we watch the recording of 90 Day Fiance. 722 00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:15,835 We do that. 723 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,713 Guys I wanted to go out with… 724 00:38:19,756 --> 00:38:22,050 who don't watch the programs... 725 00:38:22,175 --> 00:38:25,679 like normal boys always want to walk with you. 726 00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:28,098 That's the thing in LA, they want to walk. 727 00:38:28,223 --> 00:38:29,516 I say: Didn't see me. 728 00:38:29,641 --> 00:38:31,041 That's free. 729 00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:34,628 You have to pay. 730 00:38:35,063 --> 00:38:37,899 And it's ugly outside. It's not pretty like here. 731 00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:39,776 I don't want to walk... 732 00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:41,301 and I don't want sushi. 733 00:38:42,070 --> 00:38:44,572 I'm not a sushi girl. I don't like it. 734 00:38:44,697 --> 00:38:48,076 Thanks, non-sushi people. 735 00:38:48,201 --> 00:38:50,995 It tastes like the ocean. I don't like it. 736 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,872 I don't want food from the ocean. 737 00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:56,084 You don't convince me of that a raw oyster is a good idea. 738 00:38:56,209 --> 00:38:57,419 Nope. 739 00:38:57,544 --> 00:39:01,131 I know, folks it is a delicacy. 740 00:39:01,256 --> 00:39:05,009 When we weren't enough had food… 741 00:39:05,134 --> 00:39:09,597 we ate everything, and like it didn't kill us, it was eating. 742 00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:11,766 And then they tried everything. 743 00:39:11,891 --> 00:39:14,436 They gave it to the one who was at the back of the cave. 744 00:39:14,561 --> 00:39:16,186 They gave it to Moogaboo. 745 00:39:17,105 --> 00:39:19,782 If it didn't kill Moogaboo, was the food. 746 00:39:19,908 --> 00:39:21,025 Everything was eaten. 747 00:39:21,150 --> 00:39:25,488 They gave him all the leaves in the forest. Try these: Basil, food. 748 00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:28,700 Hemlock? Bam, deceased. 749 00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:34,164 And so it went. With trial and error. 750 00:39:34,289 --> 00:39:38,960 And we don't have to do that anymore, because there are Wawas everywhere. 751 00:39:40,962 --> 00:39:44,924 We don't have to eat things that are not food. 752 00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:46,468 Everyone is creative now... 753 00:39:46,593 --> 00:39:49,471 because everyone is watching The Bear. So everyone… 754 00:39:49,596 --> 00:39:52,390 Everyone says: Yes, chief, all day long. 755 00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:55,101 You must watch all the videos of people… 756 00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:57,061 who put crazy things in their food. 757 00:39:57,186 --> 00:40:00,440 I saw someone making spaghetti of spaghetti. 758 00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:02,817 Have you seen that video? - Yes. 759 00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:04,611 I felt insulted. 760 00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,405 Spend your time… 761 00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:08,930 something useful, bitch. 762 00:40:10,283 --> 00:40:11,284 Amen. 763 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:12,702 It's so stupid. 764 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:17,081 They convinced everyone that they should put lavender on desserts. 765 00:40:17,206 --> 00:40:20,043 They convince you that you have to pay extra for that. 766 00:40:20,168 --> 00:40:22,837 You make me eat soap. 767 00:40:23,630 --> 00:40:28,217 It's $18 for an ice cream with soap on it. 768 00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:31,786 Keep it. 769 00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:46,338 I just can't find a guy. 770 00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:50,615 The boys who... contacted online… 771 00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:54,118 They threw out lines. This is how we lure her in. 772 00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:55,912 And in LA it was really scary. 773 00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:57,664 A man said: My hobbies are… 774 00:40:57,789 --> 00:41:01,000 mindfulness and Reiki. 775 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,672 And I didn't understand what he said. 776 00:41:05,797 --> 00:41:08,591 I know what mindfulness is, through the explanation of my kids. 777 00:41:08,716 --> 00:41:11,966 But I've seen how I eat and I don't practice it. 778 00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:16,182 I said: What is Reiki? He said: It is an intense massage technique. 779 00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,893 You don't touch the body. 780 00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:24,274 You move your hands over the body and sends energy to it. 781 00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:25,775 I never spoke to him. 782 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:29,946 I assume it sounded like this: You emit energy. 783 00:41:30,071 --> 00:41:31,239 It's very intense. 784 00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:33,491 It is very expensive and difficult to learn. 785 00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:36,366 I said: I can go for free not be touched. 786 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:40,665 Practicing mindfulness and Reiki? 787 00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:42,978 Why don't you learn to perform pussy, you idiot? 788 00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:47,612 Lesbians know how. 789 00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:51,009 Do the alphabet. 790 00:41:52,176 --> 00:41:54,178 A guy reached out and he said this. 791 00:41:54,303 --> 00:41:58,057 He wrote: I just got my pilot's license. 792 00:41:58,558 --> 00:42:00,768 Come by, then I'll let you take off. 793 00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:03,753 No. 794 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:07,442 Have you just got your pilot's license? 795 00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:09,569 Am I the experiment? 796 00:42:10,653 --> 00:42:11,821 Listen, if I… 797 00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:15,074 This is life or death, I won't have surgery... 798 00:42:15,199 --> 00:42:16,826 by a weekend hobbyist. 799 00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:19,704 I'm sorry about your midlife crisis... 800 00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:22,954 but not Russian roulette for me in your Cessna. 801 00:42:24,709 --> 00:42:26,794 I had someone read… 802 00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:28,546 Many boys, not one... 803 00:42:28,671 --> 00:42:32,133 a lot of boys I saw, posted every photo of their bike. 804 00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:33,885 Everyone, that's fine. 805 00:42:34,010 --> 00:42:36,220 You tell me what you… That this is your hobby. 806 00:42:36,345 --> 00:42:39,098 I like it, but I don't need every photo. 807 00:42:39,223 --> 00:42:40,934 And I'm talking about every… 808 00:42:41,059 --> 00:42:43,186 The man on the motorcycle the man next to the motorcycle… 809 00:42:43,311 --> 00:42:46,022 on the highway, waving to his friend, on a motorcycle. 810 00:42:46,147 --> 00:42:49,647 Every man, I want to ride you not on the motorcycle. Fascinating. 811 00:42:50,777 --> 00:42:53,780 But he is proud, he brags about it and I get it. 812 00:42:53,905 --> 00:42:55,990 Your ex-wife wouldn't let you drive... 813 00:42:56,115 --> 00:42:59,160 and now you can enjoy yourself Play Sons of Anarchy. 814 00:42:59,786 --> 00:43:02,789 Calm down, you're not Jax Teller who protects Charming… 815 00:43:02,914 --> 00:43:04,916 against the Irish kings, okay? 816 00:43:05,041 --> 00:43:07,502 You are Gary Rosenbaum, DDS… 817 00:43:09,253 --> 00:43:12,715 and protects Bala Cynwyd against gingivitis. 818 00:43:15,071 --> 00:43:16,260 Do you want to impress? 819 00:43:16,385 --> 00:43:19,430 I don't need 47 photos of your Harley Softail. 820 00:43:19,555 --> 00:43:21,307 One profile photo without a cap… 821 00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:24,057 so I can see what I'm dealing with. 822 00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:26,377 That's all I want. 823 00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:30,066 I briefly had a young friend after the divorce. 824 00:43:30,191 --> 00:43:34,191 I didn't want to, but I was divorced in LA and that's the law. 825 00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:38,592 So I dated him and he was charming. He was a very… 826 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,411 Very enthusiastic, young friend. 827 00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:43,579 It's like having a puppy. 828 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:47,917 With an iPad and a boner 24/7. 829 00:43:48,709 --> 00:43:51,379 I thought: did I fall asleep on the remote? 830 00:43:51,504 --> 00:43:52,904 That's your cock. 831 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:55,967 He was aggressive with my business. 832 00:43:56,092 --> 00:43:58,845 He said: This is going to happen. 833 00:43:58,970 --> 00:44:02,265 I said: Stop it. They are very… 834 00:44:02,390 --> 00:44:04,934 It's because of the gaming. They are goal-oriented. 835 00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:06,853 I'm going for that button. 836 00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:09,895 I thought: This isn't World of Warcraft. 837 00:44:10,731 --> 00:44:13,317 Stop attacking me like an automaton… 838 00:44:13,442 --> 00:44:14,842 who has your money. 839 00:44:16,112 --> 00:44:17,280 The separation was welcome. 840 00:44:17,405 --> 00:44:19,449 I was tired of him to send away… 841 00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:21,701 with a bag full of Cheerios. Go away. 842 00:44:22,201 --> 00:44:23,619 It was a snack. 843 00:44:23,744 --> 00:44:25,621 But my friends were pissed. 844 00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:28,332 Girls are girls, they get angry. 845 00:44:28,457 --> 00:44:31,377 Like: You don't need him, stop crying. 846 00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:35,006 All your friends change in Cookie Lyon from Empire… 847 00:44:35,842 --> 00:44:36,924 after a breakup. 848 00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:39,612 Thanks, five whites who knew that series. 849 00:44:41,596 --> 00:44:45,683 You don't need him, girl. He was a loser. 850 00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:48,394 Stop crying, he's a loser. You have… 851 00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:49,919 You have four children. 852 00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:02,432 You are never lonely. 853 00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,537 Four kids, you have your career. 854 00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:08,706 You don't need him. You arrange everything. 855 00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:10,750 Me: But I've been taking care of myself for a long time. 856 00:45:10,875 --> 00:45:12,750 I have carpal tunnel syndrome. 857 00:45:15,004 --> 00:45:16,672 A masturbation joke, Eric. 858 00:45:18,382 --> 00:45:20,092 Look, women... 859 00:45:20,885 --> 00:45:23,513 We don't talk about it. Women don't talk about it. 860 00:45:23,638 --> 00:45:25,807 It could be your best friend. You don't say... 861 00:45:25,932 --> 00:45:27,809 I'm going to bed early tonight. 862 00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:30,061 I have to masturbate. 863 00:45:30,186 --> 00:45:32,271 You don't talk... 864 00:45:32,396 --> 00:45:33,940 It should. 865 00:45:34,065 --> 00:45:36,315 Because we can do it better than you. 866 00:45:37,485 --> 00:45:40,321 Women get 77 cents against men's dollar... 867 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:43,115 but my record is 43 times in one day. 868 00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:52,079 The women cheer and the boys say: Circus freak. 869 00:45:53,167 --> 00:45:54,669 We don't talk about it... 870 00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:56,546 because there is no nice name for it. 871 00:45:56,671 --> 00:45:58,339 Men have been talking about it for some time… 872 00:45:58,464 --> 00:46:00,424 because of your sexuality is celebrated. 873 00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:01,801 You have names. 874 00:46:01,926 --> 00:46:03,719 No one gets angry and calls HR. 875 00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:07,056 You discuss your colleague with me: What are you doing this weekend, Jim? 876 00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:08,975 The hand is busy. 877 00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:10,726 Very busy. 878 00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:12,562 Nobody gets angry. 879 00:46:12,687 --> 00:46:14,605 We need names to brag. 880 00:46:14,730 --> 00:46:16,649 What are you doing this weekend, Marge? 881 00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:20,194 I spray the slide wet again. I'm going to do that. 882 00:46:22,822 --> 00:46:24,865 I run the feather duster through the tent. 883 00:46:26,450 --> 00:46:27,850 Hey. 884 00:46:29,412 --> 00:46:32,206 I finger paint my own Georgia O'Keeffe. 885 00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:35,274 Art lovers. 886 00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:39,463 One more and then we close. 887 00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:41,465 What are you doing this weekend, Marge? 888 00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:44,719 I'm learning sign language to my downstairs neighbor. 889 00:46:46,554 --> 00:46:47,954 That's the winner. 890 00:46:50,391 --> 00:46:51,434 Okay. 891 00:46:51,559 --> 00:46:55,688 Are you ready? your big musical finale? 892 00:46:58,399 --> 00:46:59,442 This is what happened. 893 00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:03,112 Just over a year ago I was so fed up... 894 00:47:03,237 --> 00:47:06,741 to do interviews where I had to tell my story. 895 00:47:06,866 --> 00:47:09,202 I want myself can't hear you talking anymore... 896 00:47:09,327 --> 00:47:11,913 except in front of you. I was bored. 897 00:47:12,038 --> 00:47:17,460 The idea was about the story to shorten my career. 898 00:47:17,585 --> 00:47:20,629 So we decided to do in a song. And… 899 00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:23,823 Here it is. 900 00:47:26,135 --> 00:47:27,762 Finished? 901 00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:38,731 Two, three, four. 902 00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:45,321 I was in a movie in '97 called The Parent Trap 903 00:47:57,166 --> 00:47:58,251 Two, three… 904 00:47:58,376 --> 00:48:02,213 you may have seen him once or twice if you take a child out 905 00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:05,651 are in the nineties or a thousand times if you're gay 906 00:48:06,717 --> 00:48:13,182 you are wearing khaki pants and a denim jacket you offer unconditional love 907 00:48:13,933 --> 00:48:18,145 then you read 25 years later a thread on Reddit 908 00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:24,026 I am an inspiration for an entire queer generation 909 00:48:25,569 --> 00:48:27,613 it was an accident 910 00:48:29,532 --> 00:48:35,538 Nancy Meyer didn't write that Chessy was gay, it was an accident 911 00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:42,003 because it is clear that Chessy was gay 912 00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:45,881 that Chessy and the butler had done it 913 00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:51,637 while babysitting Lindsay Lohan it was an accident 914 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:59,270 I'm accidentally a queer icon 915 00:48:59,395 --> 00:49:01,480 it was an accident 916 00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:06,902 what happened after that huge success? 917 00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:10,072 Did you receive many offers? 918 00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:11,240 Really 919 00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:15,286 I did an NBC sitcom with Emeril Legasse 920 00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:18,873 and a magic show on VH1 921 00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:21,876 It was called Celebracadabra. 922 00:49:22,001 --> 00:49:24,503 Yes. I have things pulled out of a hat. 923 00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:28,215 I made things disappear, Jesse. 924 00:49:29,300 --> 00:49:31,135 Especially my career. 925 00:49:32,178 --> 00:49:33,929 That's not true. 926 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,514 No, you did a lot of things. 927 00:49:35,639 --> 00:49:40,686 I've done some things. Let's see. I was a sexy feminist director… 928 00:49:40,811 --> 00:49:43,624 in an unknown art film called Farm Sluts. 929 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:47,610 Yes, everyone remembers that. 930 00:49:48,527 --> 00:49:52,281 I played a woman who couldn't stop cumming. 931 00:49:53,824 --> 00:49:55,224 That sounds nice. 932 00:49:57,203 --> 00:49:58,603 Forty-three times. 933 00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:05,878 I created a show about weight loss… 934 00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:08,339 Dance Your Ass Off for Oxygen Network. 935 00:50:08,464 --> 00:50:11,133 Now known exclusively for murder porn. 936 00:50:13,302 --> 00:50:15,388 What else? I did one more thing. 937 00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:17,681 You did a Lifetime… - I've done so much. 938 00:50:17,806 --> 00:50:19,600 I did a Lifetime movie. - Yes. 939 00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:21,125 Yes… 940 00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:23,229 called Psycho Stripper. 941 00:50:26,607 --> 00:50:29,170 Thanks for the pity applause. 942 00:50:30,027 --> 00:50:32,965 I had to raise a family in LA. It was expensive. 943 00:50:33,948 --> 00:50:36,698 What I want to say, is that I've done a lot. 944 00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:41,163 And then I came in the Abbott Elementary series. 945 00:51:01,976 --> 00:51:03,435 How did that happen? 946 00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:06,897 It was an accident 947 00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:12,319 you never know when it will come 948 00:51:12,444 --> 00:51:14,863 it was an accident 949 00:51:16,740 --> 00:51:21,161 thanks, ABC and Quinta Brunson 950 00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:26,876 I wish I could say that all jobs 951 00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:30,004 helped my self-esteem to build 952 00:51:30,129 --> 00:51:32,381 but they were accidents 953 00:51:34,133 --> 00:51:38,846 At least I've never given blowjobs to get work 954 00:51:39,430 --> 00:51:41,098 As far as you know. 955 00:51:42,057 --> 00:51:44,435 It was an accident 956 00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,186 Dancing moment. - Yes. 957 00:51:52,276 --> 00:51:53,676 No. 958 00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:56,655 Are you okay? 959 00:51:56,780 --> 00:51:58,180 First of all, tits. 960 00:51:59,783 --> 00:52:01,785 Second is the body in my butt crack. 961 00:52:01,910 --> 00:52:02,995 There. 962 00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:06,332 Damn it, Skims. - Damn Kardashians. 963 00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:12,838 Wow, Lisa. What a legendary resume. 964 00:52:12,963 --> 00:52:15,026 Still, ladies and gentlemen? - No pressure. 965 00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:18,177 They were already cheering. 966 00:52:18,886 --> 00:52:20,638 But I wanted to ask… - Thank you. 967 00:52:20,763 --> 00:52:24,013 But I wanted to ask something about the most important job. 968 00:52:24,725 --> 00:52:26,101 Maternity. 969 00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:28,520 My children were accidents 970 00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,192 a The Today sponge sat on my thigh 971 00:52:33,317 --> 00:52:34,434 What is that? 972 00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:36,562 A contraceptive 973 00:52:37,905 --> 00:52:42,409 banned since 1985 because it is defective 974 00:52:42,534 --> 00:52:46,080 I was pregnant while making films pregnant on TV 975 00:52:46,205 --> 00:52:49,750 pregnant while I was doing stand-up in bars 976 00:52:49,875 --> 00:52:52,670 my children were accidents 977 00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:59,176 and now one of them plays guitar 978 00:52:59,301 --> 00:53:06,058 I was an accident 979 00:53:07,184 --> 00:53:12,982 yes, I was an accident a shameful accident 980 00:53:13,107 --> 00:53:16,819 no, a welcome welcome, welcome misfortune 981 00:53:16,944 --> 00:53:18,344 Thanks, Mom. 982 00:53:19,488 --> 00:53:21,573 I was an accident 983 00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:28,163 he wet the bed until he was 13 he was a… 984 00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:48,434 it was an accident 985 00:53:50,644 --> 00:53:54,189 you wouldn't talk about urination? 986 00:53:54,314 --> 00:53:55,566 That was a loose rhyme. 987 00:53:55,691 --> 00:53:56,735 Very loose rhyme. 988 00:53:56,861 --> 00:53:58,863 It was an accident 989 00:53:59,278 --> 00:54:02,531 all my children were accidents 990 00:54:02,656 --> 00:54:04,283 I was an accident 991 00:54:04,408 --> 00:54:07,911 I got one with The Today sponge and another with the pill 992 00:54:08,036 --> 00:54:10,205 another with a condom 993 00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:13,042 I didn't need all that information. - Sorry. 994 00:54:13,167 --> 00:54:17,880 It was an accident some of you are accidents 995 00:54:18,005 --> 00:54:19,548 most are accidents 996 00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:21,717 You are all accidents. 997 00:54:21,842 --> 00:54:23,761 You look like an accident 998 00:54:23,886 --> 00:54:25,804 life is just an accident 999 00:54:25,929 --> 00:54:27,514 This means nothing. 1000 00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:29,850 Clap if you are an accident 1001 00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,812 we are all accidents 1002 00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:37,441 all of life consists mainly of stupid accidents 1003 00:54:37,566 --> 00:54:38,966 Sometimes things work out. 1004 00:54:39,777 --> 00:54:41,487 I have so many accidents 1005 00:54:41,612 --> 00:54:43,364 You are going to sing this song for three days. 1006 00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:44,907 It was an accident 1007 00:54:45,032 --> 00:54:46,950 It haunts you in your dreams. 1008 00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:48,494 It was just an accident 1009 00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:50,057 Isn't my kid great? 1010 00:54:50,913 --> 00:54:52,539 Was just an accident 1011 00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:55,084 We're done with this song. Two, three, four. 1012 00:54:55,209 --> 00:54:57,002 It was an accident 1013 00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:05,969 My son, Jordan Baum. 1014 00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:12,184 My mother, Lisa Ann Walter. 1015 00:55:21,235 --> 00:55:24,696 I love you, Philadelphia. Until next time. 1016 00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:28,242 Thanks for coming. Good night. 1017 00:55:33,830 --> 00:55:37,042 According to Sheryl every morning I have to... 1018 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,460 say these words. 1019 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:41,004 Everything always turns out fine. 1020 00:55:41,129 --> 00:55:42,631 Yes. - I say it as Sheryl. 1021 00:55:42,756 --> 00:55:47,845 Everything always works out for me. 1022 00:55:47,970 --> 00:55:49,888 Less breaks in between. 1023 00:55:50,013 --> 00:55:51,432 Less break. - Okay, go ahead. 1024 00:55:51,557 --> 00:55:55,519 Yes. Everything always works out for me. 1025 00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:57,604 Oh my god, I said it just like you. 1026 00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:59,129 Sorry. 1027 00:56:00,315 --> 00:56:02,378 Translation: Renée van den Munckhof