1 00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:09,144 Well, well, well. 2 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,477 If it isn't Mr. I-Hate-Therapy himself. 3 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,753 I don't hate therapy, I hate therapists. 4 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,722 Oh. One in particular. 5 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,550 And yet you're here to see a psychiatrist. 6 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,086 (CHUCKLES) Interesting. 7 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,193 Look, I have a dilemma. 8 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,225 Oh, I can't wait to hear this. 9 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:30,060 Okay. Jay has been out of town for the past six weeks. 10 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,298 And she's coming home tonight. 11 00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:35,303 I keep having this recurring dream. It's more like a nightmare. 12 00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,206 Why don't you tell me about it, Michael? 13 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,308 Okay, I'm walking down this sandy beach, and all of a sudden, 14 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:43,381 this giant whale jumps out the water and starts chasing me. 15 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,451 By any chance, was this a sperm whale? 16 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:47,620 No. 17 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:51,788 Damn! 'Cause I know what that means. 18 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,119 Anyway, I'm running and running away from this whale, 19 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,085 and all of a sudden it swallows me up, 20 00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:58,294 and inside is Jay and she's cooking, 21 00:00:58,326 --> 00:00:59,786 right there inside the whale. 22 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,127 Classic dream. 23 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:06,199 Okay, Michael, you see, the whale represents Jay's mother, 24 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,404 and you're afraid that while Jay has been away 25 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:11,206 her mother has swallowed her up. 26 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:14,479 See, your fear is that she's no longer the woman she was 27 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,338 when she left six weeks ago. 28 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:19,347 Wow. That's brilliant. 29 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,810 Yeah, the whale, and the mother... 30 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,318 'Cause I've always seen her mother like that. 31 00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:27,392 It's outlined in my book, Michael. Chapter nine. 32 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:32,389 It's not a nightmare. You're just married. 33 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,196 I mean, you know, in the whole 16 years we've been married, 34 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,329 I've never felt this kind of anxiety. 35 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,665 I mean, what should I do? 36 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:39,829 You relax. 37 00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,437 See, naturally you're going to feel anxiety, Michael. 38 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,840 And your fear is that you're out of control. 39 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,342 The answer is that you take control. 40 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,175 Take control. 41 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,839 Mmm, take control. Grab the reins. 42 00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,177 That's it, hold on tight. 43 00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,182 I'm in control! 44 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:55,380 That's it! Be Janet! Be in control! Yeah! 45 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:57,747 I like that. You see? 46 00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,415 All right. You take control 47 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,763 and you set a romantic evening for the night. 48 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,729 You light some candles, you put on some music. 49 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,658 Send the kids away for the night. 50 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,326 Put that on ice. 51 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,800 Hey, baby! 52 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,367 (SCREAMING) I missed you! 53 00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:19,406 Guess who's home. 54 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,710 I missed you! 55 00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:21,841 (SCREAMING) 56 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:23,883 (GRUNTING) 57 00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,481 Sorry, baby. You all right? 58 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,323 Yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool. 59 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:31,788 Get away from the chair and give me a big hug. Give me hug! 60 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:37,886 Oh, God, I missed you so much! 61 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:41,595 I missed you, too, and there's so much to miss. 62 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,633 What do you mean? 63 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,774 You just fill up the room. 64 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,369 Thank you. Wow. 65 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,441 (SNIFFS) Ooh! What smells so good. 66 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,371 (LAUGHS) That would be me. 67 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,906 No, I smell gravy. 68 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,347 Well, I made some chicken dumplings for the kids 69 00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,349 before I sent them out to the movies. 70 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,251 So we're all alone? Yeah. 71 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,320 Oh, baby, how romantic. 72 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,263 You got any biscuits left? 73 00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,356 I see... Yeah, there's biscuits. 74 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:16,926 Uh, there's all kinds of leftovers. You know, if, uh... 75 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,374 Didn't you eat on the plane? 76 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:21,299 Baby, the plane was great. 77 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:25,665 Babe, some fool fell asleep next to me, left his lasagna. 78 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,376 (LAUGHS) 79 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,608 I tore that lasagna up. It was good, too! 80 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,848 You sure everybody didn't fall asleep? 81 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,020 No. I mean, you know... 82 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,985 Being a night flight and all. 83 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,294 Oh, yeah. No. 84 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,664 So how's your mom? 85 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,396 Please, you know how my mother is. 86 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,901 She had me cooking for her all the time. 87 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,343 Her answer to everything is just food. 88 00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,969 You must have had a million questions. 89 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:02,677 Wait a minute. We are in this big old house 90 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,780 all by ourselves, aren't we? 91 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,852 It ain't that big anymore, but... 92 00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:13,386 It's just us. Just you and me. 93 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,321 So are you thinking what I'm thinking? 94 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:16,989 Mmm-hmm. 95 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,334 Let's eat. 96 00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,942 Jay? 97 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:36,743 JAY: I'm in the bathroom. Check out my Victoria's Secret. 98 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,651 Damn! I didn't know Victoria had a secret this big. 99 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,959 JAY: Here I come. 100 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,691 Okay, I'm ready. 101 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,732 (CHUCKLING) 102 00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,570 (SIGHING) 103 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:01,944 Ooh! 104 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,006 Mmm, you don't waste much time, do you? 105 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,382 I sure don't. 106 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,011 (LAUGHING) 107 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,005 Hold on a second. Okay. 108 00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,917 (SIGHS) 109 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:16,979 I missed you so much. 110 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,687 I missed you, too. 111 00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:19,719 (KISSING) 112 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,058 Hold on. Hold on. 113 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,790 What? What's wrong? 114 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,631 I'm... I'm not sure. 115 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,403 (SCOFFS) I know exactly what it is. 116 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,601 You do? 117 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,965 I don't have to say it? 118 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,914 No. It's the wait, right? 119 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:44,040 Yes, the weight, Jay, I swear, I wish I didn't have to... 120 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,507 (SIGHING) 121 00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,846 I mean, I wanted to say something as soon as you walked in the door. 122 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,781 Baby, baby, a couple can't wait six weeks 123 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:52,948 without putting pressure on themselves, right? 124 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,562 Oh, that wait. 125 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,963 Listen to me. 126 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:06,025 You just relax, there's no pressure, okay? 127 00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,096 We have the rest of our lives to make love. 128 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:11,065 Well, look, Moby... I mean, maybe we should, uh... 129 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,641 Maybe we should cuddle. Let's cuddle. Oh! 130 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:19,807 What man doesn't love that after two months of nothing? 131 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,121 You're so sweet. 132 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,686 Uh, baby... Mmm-hmm? 133 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,661 Could you get up? I can't feel my arm. 134 00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,704 MICHAEL: She gained weight! She's fat! 135 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:42,872 She left with an ass like J-Lo and came back with one like Jell-O. 136 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,683 Mike, do you love your wife? 137 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,779 Of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. 138 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:53,611 Then you have to look beyond her weight. 139 00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,877 This is a very serious problem, Michael. 140 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:59,086 Marriages have broken up over far less than this. 141 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,519 Well, so what do I do? Help me out. 142 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:04,825 Here's a tool. When you find yourself focusing on her size, 143 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:05,988 change your focus. 144 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,126 Change my focus. 145 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,500 Look into her eyes. 146 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,631 Yeah, eyes don't get fat, do they? 147 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,166 Mmm-mmm. 148 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,871 There are plenty of people out there who are in love with their partners 149 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:17,874 and they're not attracted to them. 150 00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:21,005 But I am attracted to her. I just can't find her. 151 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:27,007 Michael, why is this such a big problem for you? 152 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,747 Because, Doc, for the first time in our marriage, 153 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,523 I can't perform. 154 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,549 Ah-ha! 155 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,533 You suffer from erectile dysfunction. 156 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:43,601 No, she suffered from erectile dysfunction. 157 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:46,803 Did you try fantasizing? 158 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:50,944 Yeah, I tried fantasizing. I pretended she was Halle Berry. 159 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,571 How'd that work? I kept thinking, 160 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,936 "Halle got berry fat." 161 00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:01,848 You know what, Michael? You need Big Blue. Viagra. 162 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:04,282 I ain't taking that stuff. That's for old folks. 163 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,617 Michael, women don't care how cars were built, man. 164 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,815 Just as long as it gets them from point "A" to point "Oh, yeah!" 165 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,804 I'll tell you what I'm going to do now. 166 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,969 I got some samples here, all right? 167 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,628 Now I want you to put these in your pocket, 168 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,567 and if you change your mind, take one. 169 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:26,943 And in 26 to 48 minutes, you'll get results. 170 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,014 You got this thing timed up pretty well, huh? 171 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,782 Mmm-hmm. 172 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:33,311 I like to plan it so it happens around half-time. 173 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,946 The team's in the locker room, but I'm scoring. 174 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,592 Okay, I'll try it, but this ain't what I signed up for. 175 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,995 You had a burger today. 176 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,970 With mustard. And when did you start eating rye bread? 177 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,670 Wow, you're better than one of them dogs at the airport. 178 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,774 Come on, baby. Let's go to bed. 179 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:01,736 I'm going to eat you alive. 180 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,805 Please, don't. 181 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,746 Babe... Huh? 182 00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,881 What do you think about my nightgown? 183 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:13,017 You look like a big pretty bottle of Pepto Bismol. 184 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,955 Will you stop it? Come on. 185 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,260 (BED CREAKING) 186 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,636 Got room for one more. 187 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,641 You sure? 188 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,314 I'm going to go wash this burger smell off. 189 00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,752 No, don't! I like it. 190 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,250 Okay, let me just turn out the light. 191 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:42,781 Okay. Be right back. 192 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,988 Help. 193 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,655 Okay. 194 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:50,987 Over the mountains, and through the gums, 195 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,864 look out Johnson, here it comes. 196 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:03,899 Vanessa, girl, I'm telling you. He was an animal, okay? 197 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:09,407 And, of course, I was in denial about the weight I put on in California, 198 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,242 and I was just about to do something about it, 199 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,178 but then my husband showed me 200 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,653 that he loves me no matter how I look. Okay? 201 00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,793 I got myself a Stedman, girl. 202 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,688 Yes, I do. 203 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,920 Oh, here comes marathon man now. 204 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,194 I got to go. Talk to you later. 205 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,763 Hey, big boy. 206 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,363 Hey, big girl. 207 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,704 (LAUGHS) 208 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:33,400 Oh, babe, I made you a nice big breakfast 209 00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,443 to help you get your strength back. 210 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,168 Mmm. 211 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,814 Honey, (CLICKS TONGUE) last night you made me feel 212 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,680 like the most beautiful woman in the world. 213 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:45,850 And, you know what? I've come to a decision. 214 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:46,979 And what's that? 215 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:48,254 Babe, I don't know if you've noticed, 216 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,281 but, I think I put on a few pounds. 217 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,287 No. Yeah. 218 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,319 I didn't even notice. 219 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,393 No, just a little bit. 220 00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,521 Stand up. Let me see. 221 00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:57,985 No, you know what? It might be like, two or three. 222 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,225 If that. 223 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,455 But, you know, if it bothers you, 224 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,966 then maybe you want to join this gym 225 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,228 that I signed you up for. 226 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,237 All you got to do is sign right here. 227 00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,839 And look, there's a spin class in about a half hour. 228 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:12,972 If you hurry, you can make it. 229 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,806 Baby, no, save your money. 230 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,383 Honey, the way you responded to me last night, 231 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,922 it made me feel so wanted and loved. 232 00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,889 It was liberating. It changed my life. 233 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,318 Really, how? 234 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,323 It is so hard to be a career woman and a good mother 235 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,486 and still find time to exercise. 236 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,334 Babe, this is a relief. 237 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,900 So I've decided that I'm going to stay big and beautiful, 238 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,400 just the way you like me. 239 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,769 Oh, lucky me. 240 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,306 Hey, baby, what you watching? 241 00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,313 (GRUNTS) 242 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:55,245 My family jewels disappear, that's what I'm watching. 243 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,516 What? What do you mean? 244 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:58,820 Baby, could you... Get up! 245 00:11:58,852 --> 00:11:59,822 What? 246 00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:04,123 Here. I think I got nerve damage in my leg. 247 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,357 What is up with that? 248 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:08,202 Look, Jay, I don't think you should be eating ice cream 249 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,328 (EXCLAIMS) all day long. 250 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,162 Okay? You're gaining weight. 251 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:12,928 Are you trying to say I'm fat? 252 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,866 No... Yeah. 253 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,242 Yeah, I'm saying that you've gained a lot of weight, 254 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,870 and you're in denial ever since you've come home. 255 00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:21,067 What are you trying to say, Michael? 256 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:24,848 Jay, I'm just saying that you've gone past Chubby Avenue 257 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,916 and you've missed the Oprah off-ramp, 258 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:34,190 and now you're lost somewhere on Nell Carter Avenue. 259 00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,821 I do not find that amusing, Michael. 260 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,157 Come on, Nell Carter Avenue is funny. 261 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,261 That's not amusing. 262 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,292 Yeah, Gimme a Break! 263 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:44,097 (SINGS GIMME A BREAK! THEME) 264 00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,431 Come on, Jay. I'm just trying to make you laugh. 265 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,565 We promised each other we were gonna laugh about everything. 266 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,141 Remember when I lost my hair? You had all the jokes. 267 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:55,411 I was Sherman Hemsley, you know? I was Mr. Clean and Kojak. 268 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,852 Remember this? You said I was the roll-on deodorant. 269 00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,408 I was rolling on. 270 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,346 It's funnier when it's you, Michael. 271 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,121 Well, we got to laugh about you, Jay, 272 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,850 or you got to do something about it. 273 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,292 Because your being overweight 274 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:08,189 is a choice right now, and it's affecting us. 275 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,421 Oh, it's a choice. What makes you such an expert, Michael? 276 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,558 Because when you and I go to bed, 277 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,433 it shouldn't be a menage a trois. 278 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,470 Uh-huh. 279 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:19,498 That's enough. That's enough. 280 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:23,272 You have no idea how shallow you sound right now. 281 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,413 You should accept me for who I am the way I am. 282 00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:31,008 It's hard to accept you for who you are because I know the way you were. 283 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:31,984 Look, Dr. Bouche said... 284 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:35,952 Whoa, wait, wait, wait, whoa. Dr. Bouche? 285 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,523 Yeah, I went to see him about this. 286 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,320 Without me? 287 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,192 Yeah, I mean, I was having anxiety. I had this dream... 288 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,991 Yes, and you found me so disgusting, 289 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,634 that it drove you to the one person 290 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,528 that you hate more than anybody else on this earth. 291 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,600 I did not say "disgusting." 292 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,999 Conversation over. 293 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,572 Jay, come on. 294 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,971 I'm glad you're gonna be the bigger person. 295 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,921 Jay... Michael, 296 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,123 I'm warning you. I'm at my fighting weight. 297 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,024 You say one more word about my weight and we're fighting. 298 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,185 Look, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. 299 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,027 Yeah, sorry you're married to me. 300 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,032 Come on, stop talking silly. 301 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,935 Look, Jay, the thing is you've managed to stay in shape 302 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,965 through all the years of our marriage. 303 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:34,013 I mean, Jay, you staying in shape motivated me to stay in shape. 304 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:38,051 I would love to sit around drinking beer and getting a big gut, but I don't. 305 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,278 I work out real hard 'cause I want to look good for my baby. 306 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,484 I want us to be lovers for the rest of our lives. 307 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:47,956 I do too, Michael, but I don't think that should depend on the way I look. 308 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,618 Michael, we got married for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, 309 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,057 for skinny, for fatter. 310 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,633 Now, see, you're rewriting the vows. I don't remember that. 311 00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:59,032 I do. It was right before the cake. 312 00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,566 Come on, Jay, what if I gained 50 pounds? 313 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,141 Would you still be attracted to me? 314 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:04,470 Yes! 315 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,074 As little as my head is, I'd look like Beetlejuice. 316 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,006 (LAUGHING) 317 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:12,106 I would love you the same way if you gained 500 pounds. 318 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,445 Michael, I fell in love with your heart. 319 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,122 Really? 320 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,150 Yes. Okay, you know what? 321 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,616 If you want to eat, then I'm gonna eat, too. 322 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:25,164 And we'll both just grow old and round together, okay? 323 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,732 Really? Yeah. Bring the ice cream here. 324 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,199 Oh. 325 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,128 You mean it? Mmm-hmm. 326 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,273 You will really, really, really grow old and big with me? 327 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,499 Mmm-hmm. I'll have to reinforce my knee. 328 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,207 (LAUGHS) 329 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,538 What's the worst that could happen, huh? 330 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,550 (THUMPING) 331 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,663 Whoa! Boy, those stairs are killing me. 332 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:59,488 (PANTING) My thighs are on fire from rubbing together. 333 00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:03,496 We need to get a freight elevator or something. 334 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:07,200 Don't tell Kady that I got hungry and I ate her goldfish on the way down. 335 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,668 Oh, baby, no, not again. 336 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,542 Uh-huh, I get hungry. 337 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,742 Maybe next time we'll just get her a puppy. 338 00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,514 Mmm, a puppy! 339 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:18,750 Stop it. 340 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,046 Some barbecue sauce. 341 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,751 Would you stop it? 342 00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,592 (GROANS) I think it's time to wake the kids, Michael. 343 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,688 Oh, I'll do it. Here, hand me that bacon. 344 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,460 (LAUGHING) I love to do this. 345 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,190 Oh, watch this. I call this the pork alarm. 346 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,461 (SQUEALING) 347 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,441 (THUMPING) 348 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,539 Here they come. Here they come. 349 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,751 (GRUNTING) 350 00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:54,149 Good morning, children. 351 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,481 Good morning, Dad. 352 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,085 Oh, Junior, you're looking wonderful today. 353 00:16:58,118 --> 00:16:59,688 Is that another chin I see coming in? 354 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,419 Yes, sir, I gained five pounds this morning. 355 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:08,661 Great. It's gonna be a while before you get some of these, though. 356 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,095 And how's my little fatty patty? 357 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,571 Hungry. 358 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,470 Do you want to play? You want to play? You want to play? 359 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,713 You want to play? You go ahead. 360 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,336 (EXCLAIMS) 361 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,105 No more, greedy. Get away. 362 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:28,518 Ooh, look, I had my navel pierced. 363 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,518 Let me see. 364 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,190 I don't know where it is! 365 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,149 Well, I don't know, but there's the phone. 366 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,787 Michael, Michael. What? 367 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,585 Baby, this is awful. Look at them. They're huge. 368 00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,828 Yeah, they're huge, but they're happy. 369 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,803 That's right. We're celebrating our weight. 370 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,702 That's right. Thanks, Mom, for setting such a great example. 371 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,635 Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You set the best example ever. 372 00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,784 Let's all... Don't you eat that food yet. 373 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:02,848 Let's all hold hands and quietly give thanks 374 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:07,152 for this 40 pounds of food we're about to scarf down. Okay. 375 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,557 (ALL GRUNTING) 376 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,590 All right, let's eat. 377 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,627 Don't take it all, greedy. Don't take it all, greedy. 378 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,740 You save me some. 379 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,511 You all don't eat so fast. 380 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,380 It'll speed up your metabolism. 381 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,581 I'll bite you. 382 00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,385 Try to do it again. 383 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:41,348 Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it! 384 00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:42,418 They started. 385 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,515 JAY: Stop, all right? 386 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,426 You know what? This can't be healthy. 387 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,899 Michael, I think we need to go on a diet. This can't be healthy! 388 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:52,569 Oh! Healthy-smealthy. 389 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,939 What do you want us to be? One of them body-conscious, anorexic families, 390 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,498 like the girl here in this picture? 391 00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,407 No! (SCREAMING) 392 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,609 No, no! Don't! 393 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,610 You like that? Look, look, look. 394 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,642 (SCREAMING) 395 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,677 Wait a minute, wait a minute, where's Kady? 396 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:07,853 Oh, here she comes right now. 397 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:12,290 Feed me, feed me, feed me. 398 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,957 Oh, my God. My baby. 399 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,660 COME ON, GET ON DADDY'S LAP. 400 00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,692 COME ON, BABY. COME ON ON DADDY'S LAP. 401 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:22,958 BABY, YOU OKAY? 402 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,295 (MUMBLING) HERE YOU GO, EAT SOMETHING. 403 00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:29,938 HERE YOU GO. YEAH, THAT DID IT. 404 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,239 EAT SOME MORE. (MUMBLING) 405 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:40,912 (GASPS) 406 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,784 (EXCLAIMS) 407 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:45,791 Michael, baby, wake up. 408 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,348 (GASPING) My ice cream! I got to get ice cream. 409 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,457 No, no. Don't, no. 410 00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,289 No more ice cream. No more ice cream, baby. 411 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,834 I'm starting my diet, right now. 412 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,830 What changed your mind? 413 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,302 (SIGHING) Baby, I had the worst nightmare. You all were big. 414 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:02,402 You and the kids were huge, and you were all breathing like this... 415 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,965 (GRUNTING) 416 00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:08,944 Babe, I made a decision. I'm going to do something about my weight. 417 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:12,345 And you, I want you to stay just the way you are. 418 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,410 Sweetie. 419 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:15,447 I mean it. 420 00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:17,482 Give me some sugar. 421 00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,817 Okay. You can have it all. 422 00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,258 No more? 423 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:47,749 Hey. 424 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:58,762 I decided that I'm gonna stay... Damn! 425 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:03,802 My bad. 426 00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:06,700 Remember this? I was the roll-on deodorant. 427 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,399 Okay. 428 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,380 I put on deodorant, man.