1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,191 This week on Time Trumpet: The war on terror. 2 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,313 Huh! If one of those terrorists came round my way, I'd smack 'em one. 3 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:14,388 The day the BBC realised some of Its presenters were old and past It. 4 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:19,878 Last night, Conservative peers blocked plans to end the automatic right to trial by jury 5 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:21,911 and proposals for foundation hospitals. 6 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,349 We visit Tim Henman at his new caf�. 7 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,198 Would you like a "slice" of cake with your coffee? 8 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,277 And we remember Cilla Black's live autopsy. 9 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,432 There we are. 10 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,914 I'll just you that, Karen. 11 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,672 It's 2031 and with the opening of the new Atlantic footbridge, 12 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,632 we have the ability to walk freely wherever we want. 13 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,070 We can take food in convenient pill form, 14 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,317 so that all we need eat are pill meals. 15 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,590 But life was so different 30 years ago. 16 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,995 Children under ten are getting fatter, 17 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,235 with new figures showing there's been a sharp rise 18 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,236 in the number of obese children in England. 19 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,477 Our health correspondent Jill Higgins reports. 20 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:24,308 This is the age group seeing the biggest rise In obesity. 21 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,114 It's increasing the children�s risk of heart disease and diabetes. 22 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:31,038 Today's message Is that weights must come down. 23 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:36,029 But if the problems are so obvious, why are they proving so difficult to tackle? 24 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,390 (Woman) It's easy to claim that my product doesn't make a difference, 25 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,035 my advertising a difference, my school meals aren't making a difference, 26 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:46,152 erm, so I think the blame has to be shared, 27 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,033 but we really all do have to take responsibility 28 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,949 for creating a world where our kids are being damaged. 29 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:59,154 I saw a kid once. He was so fat you couldn't see his eyes. 30 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,792 His mouth was like a tube. 31 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:06,078 One man concerned with children�s eating habits was of course, Jamie Oliver. 32 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,998 Kids, how do you fancy a bit of Jamie Oliver for your dinner tonight? 33 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:14,751 Jamie Oliver cloned himself and made himself into little mounds of Jamie Oliver flesh. 34 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,518 So that was what you cooked. 35 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,836 I've got this product, it's called Jamie Oliver's Cuts. 36 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,156 It's my own cloned flesh made from my own body 37 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,713 and it talks, right? 38 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,593 So it says to you things like, "pick me up." 39 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,473 It says, er, "Tenderise me. 40 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,830 "Put it in the frying pan, stick a bit of salt on." You do what it says and there you are. 41 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,793 (Jamie's voice) Grate that over me. Give it a little bit of a twang. 42 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,310 And I just want about two tablespoons of vegetable oil. 43 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,238 You could have a bit of camaraderie with the ingredients. 44 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,874 It was sort of nice, it made it a much more human process. 45 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:51,596 "Have you gone off or are you all right?" "No, I'm all right." Always very jolly. 46 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:56,077 (Jamie) Bit of chilli powder. (Coughs) Does get up the old nose, though. Cor! 47 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:00,511 It's quite a startling idea, this cloning your own flesh. How did you arrive at that? 48 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,438 Yeah, well, um... It was after the bird flu thing. 49 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:07,632 Somebody told me that human flesh tasted a bit like chicken. You know? 50 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,559 So, er... I cut a toe off and, er, fried it up with a little parsley 51 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,192 and it was lovely. 52 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,915 Jools loved it, er, and we took from there, really. 53 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,918 Found a few scientists, teamed up with them and it all kicked off. 54 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,589 - Do you miss your toe? - No, no. I cloned another one. 55 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,039 From the other foot. 56 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:29,039 (Jamie) I've got nice little fat marblings. All that fat's gonna melt 57 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,150 and kinda make me really, really tasty. 58 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:36,672 If I want a piece of meat that's gonna talk back to me, I'll just go and find myself a man. 59 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,278 Girls, eh? 60 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,118 You like lovely Jamie Oliver, don't you? 61 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:45,277 I bought some jimmy Oliver meat, which I thought was the same thing, 62 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,709 but it turned out to be a cheaper version. 63 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,548 It just said things like "Lovely juberly" and "puka". 64 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:57,277 How did you feel when Gordon Ramsay brought out processed Ramsay flesh that swore? 65 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:01,552 I had one of his gourmet sausages the other day. It came back up and swore at me. 66 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:03,716 It said "Chew me properly, you fat twat." 67 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:09,232 (Gordon's voice) Little bit of mustard. Cooked in Coca-Cola. 68 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,033 Fuck-all else. 69 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,038 Do me a favour. Fuck off, go on. 70 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:21,155 I mean, I'm sorry but... who wants a cutlet that shouts out, "Your mother's a cocksucker"? 71 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,269 No? 72 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,110 Do you remember some of the documentaries? 73 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,993 Oh yes. The Girl With The Voice Of Boris Johnson. 74 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,195 (Speaks Spanish) 75 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:40,155 (Boris Johnson's voice) My appreciation of Pericles is very much a romantic, literary one. 76 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,399 There is no cure for Maria. It isn't fatal... 77 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,874 but I doubt she'll make it to 30. 78 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,469 Beware. There's a lorra, lorra blood. 79 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:56,912 Root around and examine dear old Cilla. 80 00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,599 Do you remember Cilla Black's autopsy? 81 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,517 Yeah, Cilla Black, that was a brilliant one. 82 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,394 But erm, some of the other ones. Anthea Turner's, that was a bit of a flop. 83 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,713 Oh... 84 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,716 Surprise, surprise. 85 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,751 It's an ovarian cyst. 86 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:18,519 - Do you know, apparently she was a singer. - No. 87 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,951 Well... They didn't know till they opened her up. 88 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:27,596 In 1964, Cilla Black had a hit... 89 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,912 with, um, Anyone Who Had A Heart. 90 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:36,309 Erm, anyone who's ever seen a heart... 91 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,638 would recognise... 92 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,549 the telltale signs of atherosclerosis. 93 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:49,795 Just here... and also here. 94 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:59,673 What did you enjoy most in the years 2005, six... 95 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,188 - 2005... - Seven... eight... 96 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,435 and nine? 97 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:10,430 I guess what I most enjoyed in the year 2005 to nine 98 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,836 was... the war on terror. 99 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,918 Today, In 2031, we've got so used to 30 years of terror 100 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,951 that some of It no longer scares us. 101 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,274 I know! 102 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,950 (Children cheering) 103 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,992 But at the time, people were genuinely scared. 104 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,474 Now and again you'd think, "Ooh, this bloody terror, 105 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,909 "ooh, all this terror," you know? 106 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,599 You'd often hear people say that, you know? 107 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,918 "How are you doing?" "All right, apart from all this terror, this wretched terror." 108 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,315 And they had every right to be scared. 109 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,238 The war on terror was one the government was losing. 110 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,590 This policeman should have arrested this suicide bomber, 111 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,632 Instead of giving him directions to Buckingham Palace. 112 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,355 And though we'd eliminated the threat of the enemy flying planes into buildings, 113 00:06:55,400 --> 00:07:00,235 no one was prepared for terrorists flying two buildings into the sides of planes. 114 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,956 No one was killed but a lot of people were surprised. 115 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,552 But 30 years ago, Tony Blair and then Gordon Brown 116 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:15,799 got through no fewer than 24 home secretaries In trying to combat terror. 117 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:22,551 Between them, they tried to come up with as much legislation as possible to stop terror. 118 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,034 We banned rucksacks. 119 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:30,552 But it had very little effect, so we had to go further and ban buses and trains. 120 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:35,879 That only had a limited effect, so we decided in the end to ban all forms of transport. 121 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,071 So people would walk from city to city 122 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,636 but as we had already banned rucksacks, they couldn't bring any supplies 123 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,797 and a lot of people died from dehydration. 124 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:53,757 Well, we actually asked TV and radio programmes to include bomb threat plots 125 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,518 within their story lines. 126 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,155 They had a dirty bomb go off in Balamory. 127 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,589 People never forgot that. Never. 128 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:05,076 We got a lot of people in, movers and shakers from the entertainment industry. 129 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:09,636 We got Richard Curtis in to do a special Vicar of Dibley sketch with Dawn French 130 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:14,356 and that idiot blonde woman who kept asking Dawn... 131 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,868 "Does Allah approve of bombing and bombers?" 132 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,798 Well, the joke was meant to be that in a West Country accent 133 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,513 it came out like "bumming and bummers". 134 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,397 There have been more angry protests in Muslim countries. 135 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,513 Here, several hundred protestors marched through Central London. 136 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:32,073 These were waiting for worshippers 137 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:36,159 when they arrived at the mosque In Regents Park in London. 138 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,555 Many people didn�t like them. 139 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,319 The Mosque's own security people were also unhappy 140 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,318 and made them take the placards out onto the street. 141 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:49,559 (Crowd chanting) Freedom, go to hell! Freedom, go to hell! 142 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,956 I remember people started saying things about Muslims, 143 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,070 like, "Oh, Muslims are very nice, aren't they?" 144 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,910 And people would often drop that into conversation, just in case anyone was listening. 145 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:05,034 People would say, erm, "That's �1.70, please, and I like Muslims." 146 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:06,469 Good morning. 147 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:07,919 Imagine there's no heaven... 148 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,714 Commentators at the time argued that Islam... 149 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:12,909 It's easy if you try. 150 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,475 ...was radicalised by the actions of this man, who Invaded... 151 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:17,748 No hell below us. 152 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:18,915 ...Iraq. 153 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,511 Above us only sky. 154 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,357 I'd like to end Guantanamo. 155 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,755 But he didn�t. And 30 years on, Guantanamo Bay still exists. 156 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:35,476 A whole city has developed with shops and schools for the Inmates' children. 157 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:42,031 Everyone's still bombarded day and night with white noise and the phrase, "You are nothing." 158 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,833 But there are now luxuries allowed, like mobile phones. 159 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,077 (American woman on phone) You are nothing. 160 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,635 "So bad it's good." That was the sort of catchphrase, I think. 161 00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,113 (Woman) You're nothing. 162 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,230 (Armando) Other Inmates work here professionally 163 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,555 and some have even gone Into the army. 164 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,033 165 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:03,596 Guantanamo even has Its own TV station pumping out Its biggest variety hit, 166 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,313 -Guanatanamadhouse. - 167 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:11,070 A number of Iraqis went on record as saying "This is like the Isle of Man. Stop this." 168 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,398 Imagine all the people. 169 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,752 Living for today. 170 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,030 The coloured girls say. 171 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,639 Take a walk on the wild side. 172 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:29,959 One, two, three, four. 173 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,593 (Speaks Spanish) 174 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:41,237 Thatcher was the last person that I can remember 175 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:44,317 who said that anything that seemed to sound like a lesson 176 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,352 about what she thought society should be like. 177 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,389 Gracias. 178 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:55,551 Maybe we should have a think about some of the things from the years 2005, 2006... 179 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,592 - Sure. ...2007... I'm not finished. 180 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,713 ...2007, 2008, that we all remember. 181 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:06,518 OK. Erm... Er... 182 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:07,549 Monkeys. 183 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,953 Biscuits? 184 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,434 - Bricks. - Exit signs. 185 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,233 Ovens. "I'll just put it in the oven." 186 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,918 Oh, Ricochet Boys. 187 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,154 The Swedish. 188 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,714 Mercy killing. What was all that about? 189 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,751 - Wool. - Torture. 190 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,518 Good. 191 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:29,228 - You can't just say "good". - OK, what do you want me to do? 192 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:33,432 Just individual words that sum up 2005 to... 193 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,871 That's difficult. Even the word "football" is "foot" and "ball". 194 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,798 - I cannot... - No, but it's a composite word. 195 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,796 - OK, can I use... Composite is OK? - Yes. 196 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,752 OK, composite is OK. Football. 197 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,472 - Yes. - Mm... 198 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,431 Mothercare. 199 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:53,234 - Motor car? - Mothercare. Mothercare. 200 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,679 Mothercare. 201 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,280 I was a child, my mother was taking care of me. 202 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,595 - Oh, right. - That's... 203 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,232 You don't mean the firm Mothercare? 204 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,671 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I mean my mother was caring me. 205 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:10,510 You see, I'm sorry to pick you up on this but if you meant the firm Mothercare, 206 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,710 that would be a valid use of the word "Mothercare" 207 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,911 because "Mothercare" would therefore be a composite word. 208 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,589 But if you were talking about the care of your mother, that's really two words. 209 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,278 - Mother and care. - OK. 210 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:25,029 I understand, I understand, I understand. Sorry, I just, er... 211 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,640 OK, mothercare is not possible, no? 212 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,796 Erm, single mum. 213 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,195 - No! - My father wasn't there. 214 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:40,550 Two of our greatest sportsmen from that period were Tim Henman and Andy Murray. 215 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:45,276 30 years on, I caught up with Just Tim Henman, who talked to us about Andy Murray. 216 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,596 I had announced that I was going to retire at the end of the season. 217 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:53,077 That was going to be my last Wimbledon, my last chance. 218 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,557 But... Andy beat me in round one in straight sets. 219 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,998 And of course, I was bitterly disappointed. 220 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:06,830 But the form he was in, he was obviously going to go on and win it. 221 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:10,839 So, I jumped over the net to hug him 222 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,031 and I must have touched something because, erm... 223 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,958 my foot got stuck and I broke my racquet. 224 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,630 I slipped, broke my racquet and speared him straight through the neck. 225 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:25,514 People couldn't have been angrier if he'd taken a shit in his hand 226 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,199 and served it as a volley at the royal box. 227 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,037 - They were angry? - They were furious. 228 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:34,232 People sort of come up to me and say "murderer" 229 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,033 and "You've ruined everything." 230 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,072 That must have got you down, really, over a period of time. 231 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,270 Oh yes, it did, it did get me down. 232 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:46,313 And I got into the car in the garage, 233 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,476 with the engine running. 234 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:53,753 And, er, I was passed out with the fumes 235 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:59,193 and so I must have accidentally slipped onto the, er gear stick 236 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,390 and put it into reverse... 237 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,476 so the car went backwards, out into the road 238 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,033 and I killed another man. 239 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,719 What then? What was going through your mind? 240 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,752 Well, what happens when you even fail to kill yourself? 241 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,631 Where do you go then? 242 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,194 Rural Hertfordshire, that's where. 243 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,558 Everything all right? 244 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,673 And It's In rural Hertfordshire that Tim Henman has opened up his new caf�, 245 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,278 Tiger Timz. 246 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:31,714 I tried my hand at commentating. The BBC replaced me with Goran Ivanisevic, 247 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,753 who always sounded incomprehensible. 248 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:40,316 And made remarks about ugly women and faggots. 249 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,439 (Man's voice) Come on, Henman! (Woman's voice) Go on, Tiger! 250 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:49,758 - What's that? - Oh, I fitted that just for a laugh. 251 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,314 Seems to amuse some of the punters. 252 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,555 - (Beep) Fault! - What's that noise? 253 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,239 Oh... That's the disabled toilet. 254 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:01,398 I had to sack the bar manager and he did that before he left. 255 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,431 I don't know how to change it. 256 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,549 One Queen's Club sandwich and a Timmoccino. 257 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,071 I put up a blackboard saying I served the 12th fastest service in the world 258 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:16,352 but when I'm slow at getting coffee, they all shout, "Come on, Tim!" 259 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:21,790 - Any other little improvements you've done? - I have installed free internet. 260 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:26,630 But we, er, have tramps coming in here, fiddling with themselves. 261 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,955 I wouldn't mind if they drank my coffee 262 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,638 but they drink dental mouthwash. 263 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,756 Do you want me to do the clenched fist? 264 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,108 No, no. Don't do that, don't do that. 265 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:44,155 What didn't you like about that period? And can you make it five words? 266 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,396 Mm, OK, that's an easy one. 267 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,273 Erm, I didn't like... 268 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,231 many things. 269 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,190 Do you remember the news? 270 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,557 Yeah, I do, actually. 271 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,478 - What happened to that?! - It was just mental. 272 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:07,036 Every day, "Oh, this happened. This happened." 273 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,436 It's like, all right. I've got a life. 274 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,236 (Woman) The fireworks have started... 275 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,669 At that time, so few people watched the news 276 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,156 that broadcasters tried everything they could to broaden Its appeal. 277 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,237 For example, getting Clare Balding to commentate on the bombing of Iran. 278 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:28,479 ...shudders right through you and the light... The colours there of white and fuchsia, 279 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,317 very regal. 280 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,237 And very loud. 281 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:37,070 They fall down like gold stars dropping from the sky, 282 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,271 the sky lit up, the faces around lighting up. 283 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,196 Building up now to the big finale... 284 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,077 ...which is going to be a burst of happy colours! 285 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,953 And coming up later in the programme... 286 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:56,836 Six months after a tornado ripped through Birmingham, many homes - 287 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,111 this whole street - are still completely uninhabitable. 288 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,674 Later, I'll be asking why. 289 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:07,474 And I'll be reporting from Drumlanrig Castle in Dumfries and Galloway 290 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,353 the scene of a multi-million pound art raid. 291 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,149 And I'll be strapping myself up with semtex and asking the question, 292 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,272 just how effective are the defences at Sizewell B? 293 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:22,632 And I'll be getting this prop ready for Evan Davis' report on house prices. 294 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:26,036 And I'll be here to supply the studio guests with teas and coffees 295 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,514 and generally make sure they're well looked after. 296 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,471 And I'll be asking the Chancellor... 297 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,511 To win over declining viewers to the news, 298 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:37,236 the BBC pumped billions into coming up with a more exciting news service. 299 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:42,115 Some of the broadcasts consisted entirely of explanations of what was coming up next. 300 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,630 And I'll be trying on all the reporters' suits to check them for wear and tear. 301 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:46,669 Good night. 302 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,917 The bulk of the �200 billion spent on revamping the news 303 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,793 was used on giving Huw Edwards a hydraulic desk, 304 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,637 to appeal to young people. 305 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:59,908 I remember the first time I saw that, I thought the cameraman was moving up 306 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,757 but it wasn't, the desk was going down. 307 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,678 It's like when you're on a train, you're looking out the train window, 308 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:08,395 and you think, "Oh, God, my chair's moving," but it's not, the whole train is moving. 309 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,749 It didn't mean that they got any more viewers. 310 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,712 People would just switch on at the end to see the desk go down, 311 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,274 so then they had the desk rise up at the start 312 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,835 but it just mean people would switch on at the start, switch off during the middle, 313 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,633 and switch on at the end again to see the desk go down. 314 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,318 So then they installed a randomiser, 315 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:28,399 so that the desk would go up at unexpected points throughout the show 316 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,750 but in the end, Huw Edwards just said, "I'm not a fairground ride." 317 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:36,032 With viewers snubbing Huw Edwards and his desk In droves, 318 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,150 the BBC Just gave up. 319 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,829 Hello, you're watching News 24 with Joanna Gosling and Simon McCoy. 320 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,997 It's just after half past 11, a summary of the news now. 321 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,874 What the public did watch In their millions 322 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:07,993 was BBC 1's People Who Act Like Their Name Would Imply They Would. 323 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,638 (Woman) This week, on People Who Act Like Their Name Would Imply They Would, 324 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,477 meet Carrel... 325 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,235 ...Sherry... 326 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,996 ...Nick... 327 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,837 ...Josh... 328 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,518 ...and Ernest. 329 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:26,109 There was one with a guy called Shaun, who'd shaved all his body hair off. 330 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,196 By the end of the series, they getting really desperate. 331 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:30,913 There was a guy called Bill who drafted bills. 332 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,679 He wasn't actually an MP. He just did it in his shed. 333 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:35,870 Wayne. 334 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,070 (Coughing and spluttering) 335 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:41,556 Jon Snow, they cut out in the end because he didn't... They realised. 336 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,353 The one bit of the news he doesn't do is the weather. 337 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,710 It's frustrating because we filmed a lot of stuff talking about Jon Snow, 338 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,958 then some bright spark piped up about... it doesn't actually work, yeah. 339 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,389 Oh, Liam Piano, who was that pianist. 340 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,351 Obviously. Otherwise he wouldn't have been in the show. 341 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,437 Oh, there was a classic one with this guy, er... 342 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,038 He... 343 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,117 I can't remember his name but it was very funny cos his name... 344 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,550 Actually, it does matter cos his name described what he did. 345 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,160 Erm... Oh, God. 346 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,758 I'm an idiot. 347 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,279 It was very good, though. 348 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:17,279 - You have no recollection of his name? - No, his name desc... 349 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,995 - His name described the thing he did. - No, I know that. 350 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,998 - You can't remember anything he did? - No. 351 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:28,431 - Oh, God. It was really funny... - What was funny about it? Can you remember? 352 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:33,270 How close the two things were, like his name and the thing he did... 353 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,914 were so close that it was very funny. 354 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,112 And you have no recollection of his name or what he did? 355 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,878 No. 356 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,270 - Andy? - Andy? 357 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:47,268 No, it wasn't. 358 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,154 It wasn't Stu, the guy that fell into the vat of acid? 359 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,109 No. 360 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,878 Was it Matthew? 361 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,150 Matthew? 362 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,636 And he... And he was climbing? 363 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:09,119 It wasn't a foreign name that sort of sounded like an English thing? 364 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,718 Pierre. 365 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,235 He just pissed into the wind. 366 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,556 Meanwhile, the war on terror was getting more terrifying. 367 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,831 If you met a foreigner, you'd pretty much assume that he was gonna kill you, 368 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:29,111 and that had a big effect on things like the World Cup. 369 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,232 Much less emphasis on "this is a festival of football", 370 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,273 much more emphasis on "we'll probably all die here, let's hope to get out of this alive". 371 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:40,871 Despite best efforts, undercover terrorists were still breaching security. 372 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,708 When he came on, there was something in his eye, I knew there was something funny. 373 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,797 And I turned to Posh and I said, "He's gonna blow himself up." 374 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:48,829 And he did! 375 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:51,997 (Announcer) Now, here's the man who brings the two halves together, 376 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,314 Dale Winton! 377 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,228 Meanwhile, the entertainer Vic Reeves was arrested 378 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:03,068 for smuggling enriched uranium from Kurdistan. 379 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:04,678 Britain went paranoid 380 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:08,110 as more home secretaries came up with legislation to stop terror. 381 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,991 We arrested Scary Spice. 382 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,508 We also arrested someone called Terry. 383 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:16,269 There's be strip searches at things like the cinema and the ballet. 384 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:18,470 People got used to just walking round with nothing on, 385 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,671 it was the only way you could tell someone was definitely not a terrorist. 386 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:26,475 And there was more criticism of the police when they shot a completely naked man 387 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,195 because they thought he looked like a van packed with explosives. 388 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,431 His family came over all together for the funeral but... 389 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,153 unfortunately they came by coach. 390 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:43,558 When the coach drew up, the policeman thought it was a rucksack. 391 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,672 So he blew it up in a controlled explosion. 392 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,397 He knows now he did wrong. 393 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:54,159 The next day, 19 of Gordon Brown's home secretaries resigned. 394 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,839 Are we overscared? 395 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,680 I'd say we're... 396 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,759 we're over... scared. 397 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,153 - Oh, sorry. You just said that. - I just said that. 398 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,312 - Yes. - Thank you. 399 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:15,319 So what we did in the end, we placed a ban on people being terrified. 400 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,918 How did you... 401 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,394 Well, we got the police to kind of put on beards 402 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,513 and put in suspicious packages on buses and tubes and see if anyone was terrified 403 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:24,754 and arrest them. 404 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:30,750 Then we extended it to the cinema, we had agents go in to watch horror films 405 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,597 and arrest anyone who looked terrified. 406 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:36,633 And they arrested a whole number of people on Final Destination 3. 407 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,035 Erm, but we couldn't make it stick. 408 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:44,234 I mean, I think the fault with that was that Final Destination 3 wasn't really scary enough. 409 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,236 I mean, the problem to me was the title. 410 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,157 How can you have a sequel of a film 411 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:52,671 when you have finality embedded in the central concept and indeed in the title? 412 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,393 To my mind, when Final Destination 2 was released, 413 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:59,911 the original Final Destination should have been renamed Penultimate Destination. 414 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,350 Anyway, that's beside the point. The thing was it wasn't scary enough, 415 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,277 so we couldn't make the charges stick. 416 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:12,476 Ironically, It was because no news was now being broadcast 417 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,557 that the war against terror was finally won. 418 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:20,469 Since no atrocities were being reported, people were no longer terrified. 419 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:24,069 By the end of it, you sort of almost liked the terrorists. 420 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,078 You might see one in the public library and you'd have a bit of banter, 421 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:31,033 "What are you reading?" " Ooh, that's a terror... It's a jihad notebook" or something. 422 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,593 It was fun, you know? 423 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,473 ( 424 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,713 And with the war on terror won, It was time to celebrate. 425 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,995 And so to our first award. 426 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,032 Terrorism can be a lonely business and a long, hard struggle. 427 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,992 - Our three finalists in this category are... - and mines... 428 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,749 ...destroyed a rush-hour bus in Tel Aviv's main street, Dizengoff. 429 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,278 (Applause) 430 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,629 (Jon Snow) The attempted attack in London. 431 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,513 (Applause) 432 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,869 How many of you are saying "I remember that"? 433 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:14,708 The BBC soon apologised for this show and shut down for a week. 434 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:18,230 - Now, please welcome Heather Mills. - (Applause) 435 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,431 We've now had terror for 30 years. 436 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,670 How do you think that's affected us? 437 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,716 Well, it solved the obesity problem 438 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:31,309 because, you know, people were shitting themselves eight or nine times a day, 439 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:34,557 and that actually helped for a lot of people. 440 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,592 - Maybe just for the pre-watershed market... - Yeah. 441 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,677 ...we should say something instead of "shit". - OK, yeah. 442 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,358 "Crapped themselves, 443 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:44,550 - "shat themselves..." - OK. 444 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:48,388 "...defecated, emptied themselves." 445 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:51,272 They, yeah, well, it solved... 446 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,595 - "Evacuated themselves..." - That's a good one. 447 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,949 - I'll go for that one. - OK. 448 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,432 I suppose the main things was it solved the obesity problem 449 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:05,634 because, you know, people evacuated their bowels about eight or nine times a day. 450 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,113 (Laughs) Really? 451 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,957 - Yeah. - Didn't know that. 452 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,753 Here's Graham with a quick incision. 453 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,876 Cut through... 454 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,239 the liver. 455 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:24,148 Down we go. Ohh... 456 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,194 There we are. 457 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,630 Can you take that back? 458 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,468 Make some reference to the liver... 459 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:40,479 erm, obviously Cilla being from Liverpool. 460 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,074 Imagine no possessions. 461 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,193 I wonder if you can. 462 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,553 No need for greed or hunger. 463 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,159 A brotherhood of man. 464 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,475 Imagine all the people. 465 00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:07,998 Sharing all the world. 466 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:11,354 The coloured girls say. 467 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,868 Doot doot-doot doot-doot doot doot-doot 468 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,433 Doot doot-doot doot-doot 469 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:16,959 Take a walk on the wild side. 470 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:25,156 We had a big party in Trafalgar Square to celebrate the end of the war on terror. 471 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:30,718 Unfortunately a bomb went off and a lot of people were killed. 472 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:35,194 The next day, we declared war on terror again 473 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:41,028 but, erm, this time we decided we wouldn't have a party at the end. 474 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:46,631 Nest week on Time Trumpet we catch up with an Increasingly mad Tom Cruise... 475 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:51,117 Do you think I have lifts in my shoes? Prove to me that I have lifts in my shoes. 476 00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,311 You can't, because you don't have my shoes. 477 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,078 Rape an ape... 478 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,279 ...the most popular programme television ever made... 479 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:00,799 Rape an ape... 480 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,752 ...we look at decline in respect for the Royal family... 481 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,951 You'd see Prince Charles on a bus with people just flicking his ears, 482 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,991 saying, "What are you gonna do about it?" 483 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,715 ...and we remember the war between Denmark and Tescos.