1 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,320 Hi, Leroy. 2 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,880 Who was that? 3 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,560 No idea. 4 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:18,040 She's from Hexthorpe. You met her at Brenda's party. 5 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,640 You got your hair fast in her earring. 6 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,880 I was leaning forward to admire her... 7 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,560 ..necklace. 8 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,760 You slid your nose all the way down her blouse. 9 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,400 She exaggerates. 10 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,440 Look, not a mark. 11 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:38,440 In my day, you were lucky if you found time 12 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:40,480 to get your nose in a book. 13 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,840 Come here, let me have a look. 14 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,080 Yes, I can see it. Look. 15 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,080 36 Double D. 16 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,880 What time is it? I'll have to get back to the shop. 17 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,080 You're already here, dopey. 18 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,000 Well, in the flesh anyway. 19 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,760 I know how you feel though. Been twisting and turning all night. 20 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,200 I've heard you twisting customers. 21 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,800 That is called creative shopkeeping. 22 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,600 They enjoy it really, you know. 23 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,640 It makes them think they're a vital part of the economy. 24 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:12,400 Oh, so it's a public service? 25 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,040 Yes. I like to think so. 26 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,960 Anyway, it's the thought of Madge leaving and taking Mavis with her. 27 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,360 Stay cool. They haven't left yet. 28 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,080 No. But she's planning on it though, isn't she? 29 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,200 Yes, I know. 30 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,920 That's how I feel. 31 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,560 Go on, go back to bed Arkwright. 32 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,400 Have a lie-in. 33 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,480 It's only me! Are you decent? 34 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,200 I asked if you were decent. I got no reply. 35 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,000 You came in anyway. 36 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,400 Well, cautiously, with my eyes half shut 37 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,920 ready to close them instantly had you been flaunting your masculinity. 38 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,080 It's a bit early for a flaunt. 39 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,240 As you can see, I'm quite decent. 40 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,960 Tell me, at what time would one have to come to catch you otherwise? 41 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,240 This is not an ambition. 42 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,560 I'm merely trying to establish a benchmark 43 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,320 to avoid any embarrassment. 44 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,200 Why do you think I would slop about the place half dressed? 45 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,640 - It's not to my taste. - Good. 46 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,360 The late Mr Featherstone was only too ready to slip out of his things. 47 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,680 Claimed he was saving me the washing. 48 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,320 You'll never guess what I found here beneath the counter. 49 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,560 - Hello, Mavis. - Hello, Leroy. 50 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,800 Yes, I was just trying to convince this young lady 51 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:06,040 about the advantages of not leaving the area. 52 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,840 Your tie's twisted. 53 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,920 Probably my fault. I grabbed it when I felt the shock. 54 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,920 Yes, there's a live wire down here. 55 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,680 There was a minute ago! 56 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,840 Control him, Mavis. Don't let him blow a fuse. 57 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,280 My tie is always at your disposal. 58 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,920 I think I tightened your knot. 59 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,960 You do every time! 60 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:39,920 Listen, you've got to talk your Madge out of leaving. 61 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,720 She's got her mind set on that little business. 62 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,280 I know. Wait a minute, she's superstitious, isn't she? 63 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:52,040 We could tell her that Mrs Duckett up the road is psychic, 64 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:58,400 and she says no because she's had this message from the other side 65 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:03,120 saying, "Don't go near that little business." 66 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:04,600 Eh? Hmm? 67 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,760 I'll never remember all that. 68 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,560 Don't worry, I'll write it down for you. 69 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,600 You know what she's like. 70 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,640 The only one who could ever talk sense to our Madge was Grandpa. 71 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,240 She loved her grandpa. 72 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,200 And I suppose now we need him, he's dead. 73 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,480 I don't think he did it on purpose. 74 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,400 Delphine. 75 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,640 Do you think we're well matched? 76 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,920 Don't be so silly, of course we are. Absolutely. No question. 77 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,240 I'm glad we've got that cleared up. 78 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,600 Well? 79 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,640 What do you suggest we do? 80 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,320 About what? 81 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,080 What are your plans for our day? 82 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,560 Our day? 83 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,280 All day?! 84 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:57,160 Don't let me make all the decisions. Exert yourself. 85 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,040 What would you like to do? 86 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,320 I thought you might like to take me out to lunch. 87 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,160 Why don't I take you out to lunch? 88 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,960 What a good idea. 89 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,440 You see, you can do it. 90 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,880 Right. Where do I dump this? 91 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,000 Crab apple jelly you've had since Guy Fawkes were a lad. 92 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:27,480 Dump? Dump? 93 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,480 That's been much maturing very nicely. 94 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,760 It's probably ready for sale now. 95 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,840 Let's see. Give it here. 96 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,920 Home-made crab apple jelly. 97 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:45,400 Lovely. 98 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,480 You won't find quality like this for sale at Harrods. 99 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,360 Last time you brought it out it didn't sell. It was too sour. 100 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:57,360 In the trade we call that a refreshing astringency. 101 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,400 It's probably matured. It's much sweeter now. 102 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,000 Here you are. 103 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,720 There you go. Try that. 104 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,760 - Cheers. - Cheers. 105 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,440 Oh, that's sour. 106 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,560 It could take the enamel off your teeth, that. 107 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,480 Just think how they'll love it when the taste wears off. 108 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,800 We don't want you to move. 109 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,400 We've got used to your bad-tempered ways. 110 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,600 Thank you. I shall miss your mouth too. 111 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,880 But it's an opportunity. 112 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,840 You said that when you got married. 113 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,000 I only got married the once. 114 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,080 Everybody can make a mistake. 115 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,760 More than once if you play your cards right. 116 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,880 How is Mr Newbold these days? 117 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,320 Responding nicely to a firm hand. He's taking me out to lunch. 118 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,240 He looks so slim. 119 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,560 Does he have much of an appetite? 120 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,240 Nothing I can't handle. 121 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,520 And how's he handling you? 122 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,800 It's a big jump from stamp collecting straight to you. 123 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,600 I don't allow big jumps. 124 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,840 And anyway, he's not ready. We've not done with mortal fear. 125 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,440 - Right. - You said, did we have a photo of Grandpa? 126 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:25,360 Yes, I want to see this one man who had such influence over Madge. 127 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,560 Oh. It's a lot of hair for one face, isn't it, eh? 128 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,120 You could get two faces in there. 129 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,320 - Where's Gastric? - You're asking me? 130 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,640 I don't know where I am half the time! 131 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,000 - Where should he be? - He should be here. 132 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,280 - He said he was checking the car. - And he's probably checked it. 133 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,960 Then off he goes, leaves the keys in, engine running. 134 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,760 Charming! 135 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,120 You get him flustered. You know you do. 136 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,960 You're always barking at him. 137 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,640 You have to. They're so unreliable. 138 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,360 I'm shocked. 139 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,680 That you should think that you have ever been misled 140 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:24,120 by any product that has been sold from this establishment. 141 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,080 It feels more like every product. 142 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,280 But hey, no hard feelings. 143 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:33,200 We understand it's your job to sell and ours to resist. 144 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,880 - To be rock hard. - You see this? 145 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,680 This is me stone face. 146 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,720 Nobody gets any rubbish past... 147 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,080 Me stone face. 148 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:51,320 All right. You don't want any Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly? 149 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,000 All right. Fine. Thank you very much. Good day. 150 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,240 Hey, hang on a minute. 151 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,920 Aren't you going to tell us it's good for heart disease 152 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,680 or vitamin deficiency? 153 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,960 And not to mention the magical effects 154 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,800 it would have on our love life. 155 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:14,320 - Funny you should mention that, because... - Forget it. 156 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,320 No sale. Not this time. 157 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,280 Told you. Stone face. 158 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,200 I've just had a funny experience. 159 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,400 Lucky you. I get one all the time. 160 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,320 She could have run me over. 161 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,440 That's the one. All the time. 162 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,120 Do you think she were trying to tell me something? 163 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,920 You can't tell them anything. It never gets through. 164 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,240 They've got this anti-missile shield. It's impenetrable. 165 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,040 Maybe she were playing with me. 166 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,640 I like it. My Madge with a sense of humour. 167 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,600 Oh, they can smile. 168 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,800 Even Mrs Featherstone can smile. 169 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,440 But behind it... 170 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,840 ..there's this thing... 171 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,000 ..and it's drawing me in. 172 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,240 Waste not want not. 173 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,120 They said that in the old days, didn't they? 174 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,680 Here we go. Look at that. Right, now. 175 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:46,280 - Mrs Featherstone. - I can't stop. I've got Mr Newbold outside. 176 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,800 Well, bring him in. 177 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:51,120 No, let him wait outside, worrying about what you and I are up to. 178 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,200 - We're not up to anything. - Well, I'm ready when you are, Granville. 179 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,680 He's taking me out to lunch. I don't know what he has in mind for after. 180 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,400 A girl has to be so careful. 181 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,320 Have you never had the urge, Granville? 182 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:12,000 I think it's all that stuff that they put in the water, you know. 183 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,880 No. No, to take me out to lunch. 184 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,960 I usually snatch a bite behind the counter. 185 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,400 Oh, you wicked rogue. 186 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,560 You know how to tempt a girl. 187 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,120 No, you know, snack in one hand, busy with the other. 188 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,560 There you go again. 189 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,080 You'd be very cramped behind this counter, Mrs Featherstone. 190 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,040 You'd be surprised where a widow of my experience can fit. 191 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,560 Good Lord, is that the time? Look. 192 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:43,120 Time? You've still a little time before Mr Newbold snatches me up, 193 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,960 but I don't know how long I can keep him at bay. 194 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,800 He's out there now. His hormones raging. 195 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,880 - Have you any of them... - No. - Yes. 196 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,640 Yes. 197 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,120 Hey, old witch's recipe? 198 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,600 He's struggling now. We shook him up. 199 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,880 Can you believe he'd believe any muffin would fall for that? 200 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:17,560 The old witch's recipe? You don't see that down at the Co-op. 201 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,000 All I can say is, he deserves it. 202 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,760 Old Mother Hemlock's crab apple jelly. 203 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,040 She was famous, you know in the Don Valley. 204 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,120 People used to come from miles around. 205 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,120 After overindulging on this stuff, 206 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,840 the witches used to throw wild parties. 207 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,240 Naked. 208 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,720 By moonlight. 209 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,200 In the forest. 210 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,240 Naked? In the forest? 211 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,480 Must be strong stuff. 212 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:58,520 Did they do this moonlight thing regularly? 213 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,120 Every second Tuesday. 214 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,720 There wouldn't be a moon every second Tuesday. 215 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,440 They brought their own. 216 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,040 These were ladies, you know, with extraordinary powers. 217 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,280 Old Mother Hemlock once lifted Rotherham 40 feet into the air. 218 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,280 Of course, it was a lot smaller in them days. 219 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,080 And you know all this because? 220 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,440 Witches used their corner shops. 221 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,760 Witches gossiped and grocers kept records. 222 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,560 And you've seen these records? 223 00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,480 Yes, in the Grocers Museum, 224 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:43,240 where you can actually read a weekly order of a witch 225 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,400 by the name of Miserable Meg. 226 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,280 If she was going to naked raves in the forest, 227 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,120 what would she be miserable about? 228 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,400 You ride on a broomstick for a couple of hours and see how YOU feel! 229 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,720 I thought witchcraft was illegal. 230 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,480 Yes, but they used to claim they were Avon ladies. 231 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,600 You may well ask, what difference Old Mother Hemlock's recipe 232 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,960 makes to this otherwise ordinary product. 233 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,120 Let me guess. As if we didn't already know. 234 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,160 I bet we're talking astonishing improvements to our emotional lives. 235 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,920 No, let him finish. 236 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,920 I've nothing against astonishing improvements to my emotional life. 237 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,680 Well, me neither. If they work. 238 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,040 In fact, I think I could say you'd be looking at guaranteed 239 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,240 repeat custom if there was any damn chance they'd work. 240 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,880 Does this stuff work? 241 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,360 George Clooney. Need I say more? 242 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,120 - Really? - On toast every morning. 243 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:54,000 Benedict Cumberbatch, he leans more towards a muffin. 244 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,800 What's in this recipe of Old mother Hemlock's? 245 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,480 It's a secret. She took it with her. 246 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,520 - To her grave? - No, to Chesterfield. 247 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:07,400 They owed her money so she bent their spire. 248 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,920 - Have you decided yet? - What are you having? 249 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,840 Why don't you tell me? 250 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,360 If I get it wrong you'll growl at me. 251 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,280 Growl? 252 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,160 And that's in a good mood. 253 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,600 Don't be silly, we're an item. 254 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,120 - Why would I growl at you? - Why? 255 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,360 You don't need a why, just a target. 256 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,960 I think you're frightened of me. 257 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:45,040 I freely admit you keep me on the edge of panic. 258 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,960 There you are, you see. We were meant for each other. 259 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:52,760 Now, why don't you tell me what you see me choosing to eat? 260 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,000 Me. 261 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,960 Say hello to Grandpa. 262 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,920 Needs more hair. 263 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:17,160 I've sold six jars of that stuff to a complete stranger. 264 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,720 Yet, Eric and Cyril are still playing hard to get. 265 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,560 What are you looking for? 266 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,640 Dr Proctor's additive. 267 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,000 I'll nail those two yet. 268 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,880 IS there a Dr Proctor's additive? 269 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,840 There is now. 270 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,320 And if anybody asks? What does it consist of? 271 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,520 A trade secret. 272 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,960 Available only to grocers of the third mystery... 273 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,240 ..and above. 274 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,240 Do you think grocers go to heaven? 275 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,360 If there's a sale on! 276 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:07,120 Right, now, the gentleman who just left, 277 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,640 he doesn't need this little reservoir of magic. 278 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,400 He'll be fine with just his crab apple jelly. 279 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,560 Romance is heading his way. 280 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,440 And why is it heading his way? 281 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,480 Because he is a believer. 282 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:28,400 He believes in the power of Old Mother Hemlock's recipe. 283 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,640 Told you. A muffin. 284 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,520 Hey, we shouldn't laugh. 285 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:45,600 Whereas you more cynical types, 286 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,800 you unbelievers, 287 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,560 you will need this. 288 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,200 Which is what? 289 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,440 Dr Proctor's additive for nervous lovers. 290 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,800 Nervous? 291 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,880 Who's nervous? 292 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,880 How much? 293 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,320 Well, you saw it. 294 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,200 Midweek, and they were fairly busy. 295 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,840 It's a nice little business. 296 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,240 - I don't like the area. - You don't know the area. 297 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,120 I know I don't like it. 298 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,760 You didn't like here when we first came. 299 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:31,160 - I missed the parrot. - What parrot? 300 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,200 Mr Griffiths liked me to call in and talk to his parrot. 301 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,800 You're barmy. 302 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,560 I'll still be barmy if we move. 303 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,920 And what about Gastric? 304 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,560 - Won't you miss Gastric? - Fat lot there is to miss. 305 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,080 He walks off and leaves the car unattended. 306 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,680 Perhaps he got called away. It could have been an emergency. 307 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,960 He is an emergency. 308 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,440 I wish Grandpa was here. 309 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,640 He'd tell you not to make a move at your time of life. 310 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,240 Don't you give me advice. You talk to parrots. 311 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,320 It made more sense than you. 312 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,960 £14 for that? 313 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,240 One single drop is all you need and there must be what, 314 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,240 100 drops in there. 315 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,040 That's less than a penny a pop. 316 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,120 And what does one do with a single drop? 317 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:28,680 You add it to a teaspoonful of crab apple jelly... 318 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,240 ..and then you wait. 319 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,120 At £14 a bottle, who wants to spend a load of time waiting? 320 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:39,640 You said hair, you've got hair. 321 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,480 Pull it back a notch, will you? 322 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:47,840 What's he doing? 323 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480 Don't ask. 324 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,640 He's waiting for you to ask. 325 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,760 There'll be a plot. 326 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,320 He said you add one drop and then you have to wait. 327 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:04,440 I was going to ask him what exactly would we be waiting for. 328 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,080 The trigger. 329 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:11,960 The trigger that sets this dynamite combination fizzing and working. 330 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:18,600 That rockets you and your chosen one into a romantic orbit. 331 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,400 Hang on. 332 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,160 We pay for crab apple jelly 333 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:31,360 and Dr Proctor's additives for swinging lovers, 334 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,880 and now you tell us we need a trigger. 335 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,440 Yes, but the trigger comes absolutely free. 336 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,800 In fact, you've probably got one at home already. 337 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,880 Any Frank Sinatra album. 338 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:05,240 What I really had in mind was you to be Grandpa's ghost. 339 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,880 I know what you had in mind. You can do your own dodgy work for once. 340 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,840 No, there's nothing dodgy about it, is there? 341 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,440 All you had to do was to let Madge catch a glimpse of you, 342 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,760 you know, dressed like this. 343 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,160 No, no. 344 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,040 What we've got to do is let Madge 345 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:22,520 catch a glimpse of you dressed like this. 346 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,240 Yes, I know. 347 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,040 So, what will I have to do? 348 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:34,240 As soon as Madge is driving past you have to make sure 349 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:38,800 that she sees you standing here alone. 350 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,960 Where are you going? 351 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,320 I shall be here until Madge drives past. 352 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,080 So if you're here when she goes past, how come I'm alone? 353 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,360 Because I'm not here, am I? You can't see me. 354 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,520 No-one can see me, except Madge. 355 00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,800 I'm losing this somewhere. 356 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,000 Once she passes, 357 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,680 I will go and hide 358 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,480 so that you can stand here alone. 359 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,000 Let's get on with it. 360 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,120 What are you hiding for? 361 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:16,280 It's because I don't exist, do I? 362 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:20,200 I'm not here. I've never been here. 363 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,440 Are you with me? 364 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,760 How can I be with you if you're not here? 365 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,320 Do you believe in ghosts? 366 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:32,680 I've never seen one. 367 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,320 You have now. 368 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,720 You're looking at one. You're speaking to one. 369 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,000 Well, if they're all like you 370 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,800 there's going to be some tricky shopping going on over there. 371 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:52,200 Listen, all you've got to remember is when I've gone... 372 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,000 Your Leroy'll get the business. 373 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,840 - Eh? - I'll still be a customer, no problem. 374 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,440 No, it won't be a problem for you, will it? 375 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:06,200 I'm glad that you're taking it so calmly. 376 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,160 Well, we've all got to go sometime. 377 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:16,200 I love your unshakeable steadiness in the face of my mortality. 378 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,160 We'll give you a good send-off. 379 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,120 I expect your Leroy will have a looser arm than yours 380 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,880 on the refreshments. 381 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,120 He better not, otherwise.... 382 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,040 What are we talking about? Let's stick to the point. 383 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,240 Madge is going to come galloping up here 384 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,960 and she's going to say to you, she's going to say, 385 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,800 "Who was that man standing next to you?" 386 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:43,640 And you are going to say, "There was no man standing next to me." 387 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,000 Correction. I think I'm losing it everywhere. 388 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,800 Why are we just driving round? 389 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,920 Maybe we're not driving round. Maybe I'm lost. 390 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,680 Well, it wouldn't be the first time. 391 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,720 - Ay up. - Right. 392 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,520 What's that old fool waving at? 393 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,840 She ignored me in daylight. 394 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:31,120 Wait till she sees Grandpa in the dark. 395 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,840 Have you thought you might scare her to death? 396 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,360 Really? 397 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:39,720 No, that's too much to expect. 398 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:45,000 All right, never mind. Switch the lights off and we'll give it a test. 399 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,360 I told you. You're scaring me to death. 400 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,040 That's Madge's door. 401 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,440 Behind that door is a woman I could care about. 402 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,960 If only she'd stop thinking I were a wally. 403 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,360 Don't go all lonely hearts and dreamy on me, will you? 404 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:16,080 It's romantic. First time I've ever been with her in the dark. 405 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,920 Listen, you won't be with her at all if she leaves the area. 406 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:30,240 Now, we've got to make sure that she listens to Grandpa's warning. 407 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,000 - Right. - Right. 408 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,520 I never had a grandpa. 409 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,320 - You must have had a grandpa. - No. 410 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,600 He said he were only looking after Grandma for a friend. 411 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,600 Oh... Look, save your sad stories, will you, for Madge. 412 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,000 Just check the light's working. 413 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,000 Argh! That's scary! 414 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,680 You know it's only me. 415 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,280 It's not the "only me" you want to meet in the dark. Switch it off. 416 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:08,240 I can't see where we are now. Put your torch back on again. 417 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,200 You just asked me to switch it off. 418 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,680 Well, put it on again. This time I won't look. 419 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,040 Right, there. 420 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:20,120 Hey, dustbins. Let's make a noise with them. 421 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:24,160 - That'll attract Madge's attention to the back door. - Right. 422 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,320 DUSTBINS CLATTER 423 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,200 I've come back from the grave. 424 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,000 Don't leave. 425 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,400 SCREAMING 426 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,520 Oops, that's not Madge's door. 427 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,520 You are a wally! 428 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,920 FRANK SINATRA: 429 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,840 430 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:59,120 Eric, turn that thing down! 431 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,440 Well, I've had my five minutes in the spotlight. 432 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,840 Didn't get a lot of applause. 433 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:14,840 Some of the ladies round here can drain your battery. 434 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:20,120 Good job there were no police about. 435 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:23,600 They could have had me for no red light at the rear.