1
00:00:02,805 --> 00:00:04,772
Happy valentine's day.

2
00:00:04,807 --> 00:00:07,508
Oh, happy valentine's day.

3
00:00:10,507 --> 00:00:12,867
Aw.           Ohh!

4
00:00:12,902 --> 00:00:13,433
Mwah.

5
00:00:13,467 --> 00:00:15,264
So, fratelli's tonight?

6
00:00:15,298 --> 00:00:17,894
Hello, cannoli canoe.

7
00:00:17,928 --> 00:00:20,231
I like it. Nice fit.

8
00:00:20,265 --> 00:00:22,232
Swanky material.

9
00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:25,101
Jay, you look so strong and sexy,

10
00:00:25,135 --> 00:00:27,504
Like an olympic wrestler but with money.

11
00:00:28,540 --> 00:00:29,739
Your turn.

12
00:00:29,774 --> 00:00:31,340
Okay.

13
00:00:31,374 --> 00:00:33,105
It's my favorite day in america!

14
00:00:33,139 --> 00:00:35,072
Happy valentine's day, gorgeous.

15
00:00:36,142 --> 00:00:37,812
They're huge!

16
00:00:37,847 --> 00:00:39,416
Oh, my god!

17
00:00:39,450 --> 00:00:40,650
Yeah, those will work.

18
00:00:40,684 --> 00:00:41,650
Beautiful.

19
00:00:41,684 --> 00:00:43,255
You can wear them tonight.

20
00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:44,922
I have a surprise.

21
00:00:46,391 --> 00:00:49,992
Don't tell me, you're finally
taking me salsa dancing!

22
00:00:51,627 --> 00:00:53,462
And who's david brenner?

23
00:00:53,497 --> 00:00:55,467
Only a vegas legend.

24
00:00:55,501 --> 00:00:56,801
Is he a magician?

25
00:00:56,835 --> 00:00:58,170
'cause I love magicians.

26
00:00:58,204 --> 00:00:59,572
He's a comedian.

27
00:00:59,607 --> 00:01:00,940
A comedian.

28
00:01:00,974 --> 00:01:02,041
It's valentine's day.

29
00:01:02,075 --> 00:01:04,010
I thought we were going salsa dancing,

30
00:01:04,045 --> 00:01:05,079
Not to watch a comedian.

31
00:01:05,113 --> 00:01:06,181
You're gonna love him.

32
00:01:06,215 --> 00:01:08,149
Trust me. The guy's hilarious!

33
00:01:08,183 --> 00:01:10,651
Okay. Tell me one of his jokes.

34
00:01:10,685 --> 00:01:12,319
Well, he doesn't do jokes.

35
00:01:12,354 --> 00:01:13,554
Does he have a mallet?

36
00:01:13,588 --> 00:01:14,855
No.

37
00:01:14,890 --> 00:01:16,390
So, then, how does he get hit in the head?

38
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:17,959
He doesn't get "hit in the head."

39
00:01:17,993 --> 00:01:20,362
He -- he makes observations

40
00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:22,664
He tells the truth in a funny way.

41
00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:25,969
Come on, he's been on "johnny
carson" a hundred times.

42
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,303
Who the hell is johnny carson?

43
00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:28,805
Oh, for god's sake.

44
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,474
Gloria and I are from different generations,

45
00:01:30,508 --> 00:01:32,408
And I won't lie -- it isn't always easy.

46
00:01:32,443 --> 00:01:34,344
I mean, last week she
thought simon and garfunkel

47
00:01:34,378 --> 00:01:36,045
Were my lawyers.

48
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:37,346
No, I didn't.

49
00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:38,747
It was a joke.

50
00:01:38,782 --> 00:01:39,948
I don't get it.

51
00:01:39,982 --> 00:01:41,984
Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

52
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:45,354
Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

53
00:01:45,388 --> 00:01:47,322
Just stay in northern cal--

54
00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:49,056
Did you indicate to her...

55
00:01:49,091 --> 00:01:50,691
...How long that you were gonna take?

56
00:01:50,725 --> 00:01:51,892
Happy valentine's day.

57
00:01:51,926 --> 00:01:53,259
Happy valentine's day.

58
00:01:53,294 --> 00:01:55,729
"happy valentine's day, daddy."

59
00:01:55,763 --> 00:01:57,364
<i>Happy valentine's day, lily.</i>

60
00:01:58,599 --> 00:02:00,834
Notice anything different?

61
00:02:00,868 --> 00:02:02,603
Oh, that is cute. "cute"?

62
00:02:02,637 --> 00:02:04,738
We spent a lot of time on this.

63
00:02:04,773 --> 00:02:07,342
I don't see how.
You just cut up one of your boas.

64
00:02:07,376 --> 00:02:09,110
Actually, no, we repurposed it.

65
00:02:09,144 --> 00:02:12,514
It was sort of a "bob mackie
meets martha stewart" project.

66
00:02:12,548 --> 00:02:14,749
Okay, well, we just thought
it would be a nice surprise.

67
00:02:14,784 --> 00:02:16,184
Well, it's hardly a surprise.

68
00:02:16,218 --> 00:02:18,219
<i>I mean, you dress her up for every
holiday.</i>

69
00:02:18,253 --> 00:02:19,820
I was giving her a bath last night,

70
00:02:19,855 --> 00:02:22,022
And I still saw traces of martin
luther king behind her ear.

71
00:02:22,057 --> 00:02:23,591
All right, not in the spirit. We get it.

72
00:02:23,625 --> 00:02:25,292
No, I'm s-- I'm sorry. No, it's adorable.

73
00:02:25,327 --> 00:02:28,095
I just -- I'm really nervous
about my closing argument.

74
00:02:28,129 --> 00:02:29,563
Oh, you've been rehearsing for weeks.

75
00:02:29,597 --> 00:02:30,864
You're gonna be great.

76
00:02:30,899 --> 00:02:32,099
Let's hope so.

77
00:02:32,133 --> 00:02:33,233
Hey, and I was wondering --

78
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,801
Since you're gonna be in court all day...

79
00:02:34,835 --> 00:02:36,970
Yeahyou can open the chocolates.

80
00:02:37,005 --> 00:02:39,207
Score!

81
00:02:41,577 --> 00:02:42,911
Hi, dylan.

82
00:02:42,945 --> 00:02:45,113
Happy valentine's day, mrs. Dunphy.

83
00:02:45,147 --> 00:02:48,716
Oh! Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet.

84
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,884
You know, all women should
look as tasty as you

85
00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:52,219
When they're old.

86
00:02:52,253 --> 00:02:54,121
Huh. Conflicted.

87
00:02:54,155 --> 00:02:55,655
Hey, baby!

88
00:02:55,690 --> 00:02:58,625
Hey. Take this sweet gift
as a token of my affection,

89
00:02:58,659 --> 00:03:00,460
My unending love and admiration.

90
00:03:00,494 --> 00:03:02,328
Oh, my god! Yay, it's big!

91
00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:09,167
It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen!

92
00:03:09,202 --> 00:03:11,202
A black light on it.

93
00:03:11,237 --> 00:03:13,804
It'll blow your mind.

94
00:03:13,838 --> 00:03:15,639
Wow. Dylan, I didn't know you could paint.

95
00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:16,640
Oh, I didn't.

96
00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:17,674
I just took a photo,

97
00:03:17,708 --> 00:03:18,975
And I put it through this program

98
00:03:19,009 --> 00:03:20,343
<i>That turns it into a painting.</i>

99
00:03:20,377 --> 00:03:21,510
Oh! Oh.

100
00:03:21,545 --> 00:03:23,912
So you two a-actually did...

101
00:03:23,947 --> 00:03:25,013
That.

102
00:03:25,047 --> 00:03:26,014
Uh-huh.

103
00:03:26,048 --> 00:03:27,315
Yeah. Okay.

104
00:03:27,349 --> 00:03:28,616
Let's go put this over my bed.

105
00:03:28,650 --> 00:03:31,184
No. No, no.

106
00:03:31,219 --> 00:03:31,954
At all.

107
00:03:31,988 --> 00:03:33,877
I'll take it.

108
00:03:33,912 --> 00:03:34,945
Did he trump me?

109
00:03:34,979 --> 00:03:36,113
D-money.

110
00:03:36,147 --> 00:03:37,514
You tell me.

111
00:03:37,549 --> 00:03:40,011
<i>He made a painting out of a photograph one
time.</i>

112
00:03:40,546 --> 00:03:42,847
I have handpicked a card,

113
00:03:42,881 --> 00:03:45,150
Drawn a heart in the steam
on the medicine cabinet,

114
00:03:47,935 --> 00:03:50,103
A family-style italian restaurant,

115
00:03:50,137 --> 00:03:52,405
For 17 years in a row.

116
00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,807
Yeah, he got me. He got me.

117
00:03:54,842 --> 00:03:57,877
<font color="
www.addic7ed.com

118
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,086
Bye, honey.

119
00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:08,254
See you later.

120
00:04:08,288 --> 00:04:09,422
<i>See you later.</i>

121
00:04:09,456 --> 00:04:12,258
Phil, what is that?

122
00:04:12,292 --> 00:04:15,828
You know, we don't have to
go to fratelli's tonight.

123
00:04:15,863 --> 00:04:19,198
Okay, what do you have in mind?

124
00:04:19,233 --> 00:04:24,003
Well, I thought you might
enjoy a night at a hotel.

125
00:04:24,037 --> 00:04:25,296
I would.

126
00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:26,931
But would you and the kids be okay?

127
00:04:26,965 --> 00:04:28,332
I meant together.

128
00:04:28,366 --> 00:04:29,300
I know.

129
00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:30,301
Oh. I know. I know.

130
00:04:30,335 --> 00:04:31,569
I got it.

131
00:04:31,603 --> 00:04:33,337
So...

132
00:04:33,371 --> 00:04:34,839
What do you think?

133
00:04:34,873 --> 00:04:38,109
I think you're not getting
any sleep tonight.

134
00:04:38,143 --> 00:04:41,445
So you might want to
take a nap at work today.

135
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,815
I always do.

136
00:04:47,152 --> 00:04:48,285
Phil?

137
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,787
Sweetie.

138
00:04:49,821 --> 00:04:52,490
As long as we're talking
about being a little bit...

139
00:04:52,524 --> 00:04:53,724
Naughty,

140
00:04:53,758 --> 00:04:57,495
What would you say to a little...

141
00:04:57,529 --> 00:04:58,929
Role playing?

142
00:04:58,964 --> 00:05:00,030
Role playing?

143
00:05:00,065 --> 00:05:01,232
Mm-hmm.

144
00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:03,200
I'm in.

145
00:05:03,235 --> 00:05:05,870
I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.

146
00:05:05,904 --> 00:05:08,239
And I'll swing by after work to pick you up.

147
00:05:08,273 --> 00:05:09,773
No, no.

148
00:05:09,808 --> 00:05:12,076
Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar

149
00:05:12,110 --> 00:05:14,979
And see if you can pick me up there?

150
00:05:15,013 --> 00:05:18,716
Careful, lady, you're gonna
wake up a sexy sleeping giant.

151
00:05:20,085 --> 00:05:23,420
perhaps I'll be reginald appleby.

152
00:05:23,455 --> 00:05:26,857
An english gentleman in
town for a polo match.

153
00:05:26,925 --> 00:05:28,659
Phil.

154
00:05:28,693 --> 00:05:31,762
or honorable businessman from hong kong --

155
00:05:31,796 --> 00:05:32,930
You're kinda wrecking it.

156
00:05:32,964 --> 00:05:34,698
Oh.

157
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:38,736
It's not a big deal, claire.

158
00:05:38,770 --> 00:05:40,871
I just train tigers for a living.

159
00:05:40,906 --> 00:05:42,606
too -- no?

160
00:05:42,641 --> 00:04:25,697
No.

161
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,185
Are these rose petals?

162
00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:55,354
Yes, to commemorate our love.

163
00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:56,588
I had to settle.

164
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:57,956
Well, your mom might think so,

165
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,057
But a lot of people think I'm a catch.

166
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,125
No, the case.

167
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,361
<i>I-I was this close to nailing it,</i>

168
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:06,064
And then my client gets scared and settles.

169
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,566
I'm sorry.

170
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,034
Maybe you'd like a chocolate.

171
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:12,170
Notice that I have not eaten
any of the chocolates.

172
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,906
There were two levels.
You know it, and I know it.

173
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,909
<i>This is so frustrating.</i>

174
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:20,912
I had one of the greatest
closing arguments of all time --

175
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:23,749
All about the big government
rolling over the little guy.

176
00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:25,417
And I even had this great moment at the end

177
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:26,952
Where I would point to the state seal

178
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:28,887
And I'd say, "shame!"

179
00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:30,655
<i>Oh, that's what you were
doing in the shower.</i>

180
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:31,857
I was a little worried.

181
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,759
um, that's manny.

182
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,953
I said we would watch him tonight.
I hope you don't mind.

183
00:06:35,967 --> 00:06:38,669
I didn't know you were gonna be going
through all this. No, it's fine.

184
00:06:38,704 --> 00:06:40,104
It might be nice to have him around.

185
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:42,306
he always makes me laugh.

186
00:06:42,340 --> 00:06:43,641
Hi, manny!

187
00:06:43,675 --> 00:06:45,543
The universe is cold and loveless.

188
00:06:45,577 --> 00:06:48,512
uh-oh. Bad valentine's day?

189
00:06:48,547 --> 00:06:49,548
I went for the gold --

190
00:06:49,882 --> 00:06:51,383
Fiona gunderson.

191
00:06:51,417 --> 00:06:53,251
I poured my heart and soul into a poem,

192
00:06:53,285 --> 00:06:54,486
Left it on her desk.

193
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:58,156
I even burned the edges
to make it look fancy.

194
00:06:58,190 --> 00:06:59,424
And she didn't like it?

195
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:00,625
Oh, she loved it.

196
00:07:00,659 --> 00:07:03,495
<i>But this kid durkas told
her he wrote it.</i>

197
00:07:03,529 --> 00:07:05,263
Well, manny, why didn't
you justell her the truth?

198
00:07:05,297 --> 00:07:06,731
She was already gone.

199
00:07:06,766 --> 00:07:08,967
<i>And she's on a date with him at my favorite
restaurant,</i>

200
00:07:09,001 --> 00:07:10,201
Great shakes.

201
00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:11,336
How do you know all this?

202
00:07:11,370 --> 00:07:12,804
I invited her in the poem.

203
00:07:12,838 --> 00:07:14,005
Right after the line of,

204
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,408
"my love is deeper than the great lakes."

205
00:07:16,442 --> 00:07:18,777
Okay, well, this is unacceptable.

206
00:07:18,811 --> 00:07:20,578
Oh, here we go. No,
it's not that big of a deal.

207
00:07:20,613 --> 00:07:21,780
This is what we're gonna do.

208
00:07:21,814 --> 00:07:23,148
We're gonna shoot over to great shakes,

209
00:07:23,182 --> 00:07:24,249
We're gonna get a table,

210
00:07:24,283 --> 00:07:26,117
Manny can reclaim the love of his life.

211
00:07:26,152 --> 00:07:27,886
You and I can get a couple mudslides.

212
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:28,987
I don't know.

213
00:07:29,021 --> 00:07:31,089
Durkas is gonna be there.

214
00:07:31,123 --> 00:07:33,024
I've seen the kid do a pull-up.

215
00:07:33,059 --> 00:07:35,093
Hey, manny, it's valentine's day.

216
00:07:35,127 --> 00:07:36,895
It's not the day you run away from love.

217
00:07:36,929 --> 00:07:39,464
It's the day you track it down,
tie it up, and take it home.

218
00:07:39,498 --> 00:07:41,599
Now, if we can pull this off,

219
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:43,401
You and your little lady
friend will be belly up

220
00:07:43,436 --> 00:07:44,436
To an ice-cream counter,

221
00:07:44,470 --> 00:07:45,570
Having a milkshake with two straws.

222
00:07:45,604 --> 00:07:48,006
What do you say?

223
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,674
I like it.

224
00:07:49,708 --> 00:07:51,810
David brenner: Thank you. Thank you.

225
00:07:52,944 --> 00:07:54,235
Scientists, they don't
know why this is true,

226
00:07:54,319 --> 00:07:55,953
But it's true.

227
00:07:55,988 --> 00:07:59,490
Women with big rear ends live longer.

228
00:08:01,126 --> 00:08:03,094
Men who tell them that, don't.

229
00:08:04,796 --> 00:08:06,364
Did you read about this man --

230
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:10,101
The 91-year-old bank robber in texas?

231
00:08:10,135 --> 00:08:13,037
He goes into a bank, you know.

232
00:08:13,071 --> 00:08:15,072
"what the hell did I want?"

233
00:08:16,508 --> 00:08:20,344
They had over 4,000 photos of
him escaping from the bank.

234
00:08:23,282 --> 00:08:25,082
See?

235
00:08:25,117 --> 00:08:27,185
He's funny, huh?

236
00:08:36,295 --> 00:08:38,996
mind if I join you?

237
00:08:39,031 --> 00:08:42,600
I'm clive. Clive bixby.

238
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:44,869
Yes, I can see that.

239
00:08:44,903 --> 00:08:46,904
I'm juliana.

240
00:08:46,939 --> 00:08:50,508
So, clive, are you in town for
a convention, or do you...

241
00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:52,310
Just forget your name a lot?

242
00:08:52,344 --> 00:08:54,779
Pretty kitty has nails.

243
00:08:54,813 --> 00:08:57,014
I like that.

244
00:08:58,483 --> 00:09:00,518
I'm in town for a trade show.

245
00:09:00,552 --> 00:09:04,755
I design high-end
electroacoustic transducers.

246
00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:06,891
Wow, that is very...

247
00:09:06,925 --> 00:09:08,893
Specific.

248
00:09:08,927 --> 00:09:12,353
It's a fancy of way of saying
I get things to make noise.

249
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,738
Hmm. Two, please.

250
00:09:15,773 --> 00:09:17,807
<i>So, what's your story?</i>

251
00:09:17,841 --> 00:09:21,177
The miss america pageant in town?

252
00:09:21,211 --> 00:09:25,114
Well, you're pretty smooth talker, clive.

253
00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,817
I'm pretty smooth all over.

254
00:09:27,851 --> 00:09:29,085
Oh.

255
00:09:29,119 --> 00:09:31,220
Sir, there's no smoking in here.

256
00:09:31,255 --> 00:09:34,056
Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smok--

257
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,395
You're quite the boy scout, clive.

258
00:09:39,430 --> 00:09:41,397
Tell me, would you be interested

259
00:09:41,432 --> 00:09:44,267
In earning a merit badge tonight?

260
00:09:44,301 --> 00:09:47,870
Do you know anything about tying knots?

261
00:09:47,905 --> 00:09:51,374
I probably shouldn't be talking to you.

262
00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:53,643
I'm a married man.

263
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:54,977
Ah.

264
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:58,347
Well, I just so happen to like married men.

265
00:09:58,382 --> 00:10:00,216
Tell me about your wife.

266
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:02,351
Well, she's beautiful, of course.

267
00:10:02,386 --> 00:10:04,821
Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful,

268
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,122
Why are you here with me?

269
00:10:06,156 --> 00:10:07,990
Because she's always so tired,

270
00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:11,627
And she's always making lists
of things for me to do.

271
00:10:11,662 --> 00:10:13,563
Maybe if you did them,
she wouldn't be so tired.

272
00:10:13,597 --> 00:10:16,199
Oh, no, she can make lists for days.

273
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:19,702
But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.

274
00:10:19,736 --> 00:10:21,003
Unh-unh.

275
00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:22,405
I want to go back to these alleged lists

276
00:10:22,439 --> 00:10:23,506
And your nagging wife.

277
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,942
I-I'm not talking about you.

278
00:10:27,244 --> 00:10:29,468
I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?

279
00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:32,004
Yeah.

280
00:10:35,208 --> 00:10:37,676
So, if your wife is so beautiful,

281
00:10:37,710 --> 00:10:39,745
Why are you here with me?

282
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,115
Because...

283
00:10:43,149 --> 00:10:46,385
I respect her too much

284
00:10:46,419 --> 00:10:51,256
To do to her what I'm going... To do to you?

285
00:10:51,291 --> 00:10:54,359
Oh, jackpot.

286
00:10:54,394 --> 00:10:56,895
I'll be right back, clive.

287
00:11:05,038 --> 00:11:08,941
Do you have eyes on her? Is she here?

288
00:11:08,975 --> 00:11:11,243
2:00 -- the blonde at the back table.

289
00:11:11,277 --> 00:11:13,612
Yep. Have a visual.

290
00:11:13,646 --> 00:11:15,514
Let's not talk like that anymore.

291
00:11:15,548 --> 00:11:16,915
Over.

292
00:11:16,950 --> 00:11:18,383
Ay, this is it.

293
00:11:18,418 --> 00:11:19,918
I'm off to win the heart of my beloved.

294
00:11:21,688 --> 00:11:22,955
Well, this is nice.

295
00:11:22,989 --> 00:11:25,490
I mean, if we can't have
our own valentine's day,

296
00:11:25,525 --> 00:11:27,592
It's nice that we can
give somebody else one.

297
00:11:27,627 --> 00:11:29,261
All right, cam... I'm sorry.

298
00:11:29,295 --> 00:11:31,029
I'm so-- I'm sorry I
have not been attentive.

299
00:11:31,064 --> 00:11:32,898
I've been spending the last five months

300
00:11:32,932 --> 00:11:35,033
Pouring my core beliefs
into the greatest speech

301
00:11:35,068 --> 00:11:36,101
That I will ever write,

302
00:11:36,135 --> 00:11:37,869
And then that moment gets taken away.

303
00:11:37,904 --> 00:11:39,638
Hey, buddy, how'd it go?

304
00:11:39,672 --> 00:11:42,307
I can't do it. Not while durkas is there.

305
00:11:42,342 --> 00:11:44,242
He has the natural confidence.

306
00:11:44,277 --> 00:11:45,744
I admire it and fear it.

307
00:11:45,778 --> 00:11:48,070
We will deal with him directly.
We need a plan.

308
00:11:51,073 --> 00:11:53,674
Could you be more dramatic?

309
00:11:55,411 --> 00:11:57,845
we need a plan!

310
00:11:59,348 --> 00:12:03,751
In oregon, the state
legislature ratified a bill

311
00:12:03,786 --> 00:12:05,787
That from now on

312
00:12:05,821 --> 00:12:09,857
It is a crime to have sex in
oregon with a farm animal.

313
00:12:11,493 --> 00:12:14,796
How ugly are the women in oregon?

314
00:12:17,232 --> 00:12:18,433
He's funny, jay.

315
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,334
I know. See?

316
00:12:20,369 --> 00:12:22,770
<i>I can tell -- you're not -- you're not from
oregon. No, no.</i>

317
00:12:22,805 --> 00:12:25,673
You -- you are gorgeous. Thank you.

318
00:12:25,707 --> 00:12:28,176
Thank you for bringing
your father to the show.

319
00:12:28,210 --> 00:12:30,711
I'm -- I'm her husband, dave.

320
00:12:30,746 --> 00:12:32,013
No kidding? Yeah.

321
00:12:32,047 --> 00:12:33,347
What's it like to be married

322
00:12:33,382 --> 00:12:36,150
To someone who was there
when the bible was written?

323
00:12:38,086 --> 00:12:41,055
What was it called then,
just "the testament"?

324
00:12:42,724 --> 00:12:44,826
That's -- that's good stuff.

325
00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:47,295
Oh, now he's trying to turn out the light.

326
00:12:56,741 --> 00:12:58,074
uh, yes, hello. Mr. Durkas?

327
00:12:58,109 --> 00:12:59,142
Yeah?

328
00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:00,243
Uh, yeah, this is don jolly

329
00:13:00,278 --> 00:13:01,878
With the great shakes corporate office,

330
00:13:01,913 --> 00:13:03,146
And I have good news for you.

331
00:13:03,181 --> 00:13:06,183
You have been selected to
take part in a random survey

332
00:13:06,217 --> 00:13:08,318
That you could win cash and prizes.

333
00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:11,354
Does that sound like something
you'd be interested in?

334
00:13:11,389 --> 00:13:12,722
Yeah. Sure.

335
00:13:12,757 --> 00:13:14,791
Okay, just a few simple questions for you.

336
00:13:14,826 --> 00:13:17,894
Would you please rank
your favorite ice creams

337
00:13:17,929 --> 00:13:20,664
At great shakes from least
favorite to favorite?

338
00:13:20,698 --> 00:13:22,098
I don't know them by heart.

339
00:13:22,133 --> 00:13:24,401
There should be a menu
right there to your right.

340
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:25,669
To your right.

341
00:13:25,703 --> 00:13:27,671
Mm-hmm. There you go.

342
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,675
Oh. Hi, manny.

343
00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:33,310
Hi, fiona. Can I join you?

344
00:13:33,344 --> 00:13:35,812
I guess so.

345
00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:40,550
and you don't have to worry
about him cheating --

346
00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:41,474
That's for sure --

347
00:13:41,809 --> 00:13:43,209
Because if he does, you'll catch him

348
00:13:43,243 --> 00:13:45,545
When he comes home with two
sets of teeth in his mouth.

349
00:13:45,579 --> 00:13:47,480
Yeah.

350
00:13:47,514 --> 00:13:49,882
So, tell me, on the wedding night,
what did he do?

351
00:13:49,917 --> 00:13:51,818
Did he say he wanted to change
into something comfortable

352
00:13:51,852 --> 00:13:52,852
And go into a coma?

353
00:13:52,886 --> 00:13:54,620
Ah, ah...

354
00:13:54,655 --> 00:13:56,055
Listen, I got to use the men's room. No.

355
00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:57,957
I got to use -- I'll be right back.

356
00:13:57,991 --> 00:13:59,192
Where you going? Wait a minute.

357
00:13:59,226 --> 00:14:01,027
I'm only joking. That's what I do.

358
00:14:01,061 --> 00:14:02,962
<i>You know, you're way
younger than I am.</i>

359
00:14:02,996 --> 00:14:04,864
You just don't look it.

360
00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:13,039
Clive.

361
00:14:13,073 --> 00:14:15,508
I have a little something for you.

362
00:14:15,542 --> 00:14:16,909
What is it?

363
00:14:19,113 --> 00:14:20,379
My dress.

364
00:14:20,414 --> 00:14:22,281
Oh...

365
00:14:22,316 --> 00:14:23,516
My bra.

366
00:14:23,550 --> 00:14:26,052
Oh, my g--

367
00:14:26,086 --> 00:14:28,020
My underwear.

368
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,891
My god. Yeah.

369
00:14:31,925 --> 00:14:34,660
What do you say we take this upstairs?

370
00:14:34,695 --> 00:14:37,697
This is so much better
than cheesy garlic bread.

371
00:14:37,731 --> 00:14:38,765
Mmm.

372
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,267
Chocolate.

373
00:14:41,301 --> 00:14:43,269
Uh-huh. Go on. Vanilla.

374
00:14:43,303 --> 00:14:44,604
I'm taking copious notes.

375
00:14:44,638 --> 00:14:46,672
Keep going, mr. Durkas.

376
00:14:46,707 --> 00:14:49,509
So, why would ted say he
wrote the poem if he didn't?

377
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:51,711
Maybe because you're the
cutest girl in school

378
00:14:51,745 --> 00:14:54,547
And you have a laugh that makes
science lab seem like recess.

379
00:14:57,951 --> 00:15:00,408
Would you be more or less inclined

380
00:15:00,443 --> 00:15:02,510
To visit a great shakes establishment

381
00:15:02,545 --> 00:15:04,813
<i>If you knew your satisfaction
was guaranteed?</i>

382
00:15:04,847 --> 00:15:06,147
<i>That's a dumb question.</i>

383
00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:08,049
Excuse me, it is not a
dumb question, mister --

384
00:15:08,084 --> 00:15:09,417
Tarnation. He hung up.

385
00:15:09,452 --> 00:15:10,785
Then you can drop the accent.

386
00:15:12,755 --> 00:15:14,989
Delgado. What are you doing here?

387
00:15:15,024 --> 00:15:16,157
Discussing poetry.

388
00:15:16,192 --> 00:15:18,460
Maybe you'll like to recite some of yours?

389
00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:19,495
I'm not gonna recite anything.

390
00:15:19,529 --> 00:15:21,464
Just admit -- you didn't write the poem.

391
00:15:21,498 --> 00:15:22,998
I don't know what he's talking about.

392
00:15:23,033 --> 00:15:24,834
Get out of here before
you get your butt kicked.

393
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:27,002
I'm going over there. No, I got this.

394
00:15:30,106 --> 00:15:33,641
Whoa! Whoa! Sir. Sir?

395
00:15:33,676 --> 00:15:35,477
Turn around. Sir...

396
00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:36,144
You have no right

397
00:15:36,179 --> 00:15:38,113
To claim oership of another person's work.

398
00:15:38,147 --> 00:15:39,114
Who are you?

399
00:15:39,148 --> 00:15:40,616
I'm a lawyer.

400
00:15:40,650 --> 00:15:42,517
You have a lawyer?

401
00:15:42,552 --> 00:15:44,086
It is one thing to lie,

402
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:46,755
But then to bully this young man --

403
00:15:46,789 --> 00:15:48,089
It's unforgivable.

404
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:50,058
And this is wh wrong with the world today.

405
00:15:50,092 --> 00:15:50,925
The big guy...

406
00:15:53,729 --> 00:15:57,065
Until the little guy says "enough."

407
00:15:57,099 --> 00:15:59,167
And that what this little guy's doing,

408
00:15:59,201 --> 00:16:01,035
Right here, right now.

409
00:16:01,070 --> 00:16:02,637
Could we stop calling me "little guy"?

410
00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:03,872
I'm in the 40th percentile.

411
00:16:03,939 --> 00:16:05,273
Shh, I got this. Okay, thank you.

412
00:16:05,307 --> 00:16:06,975
Ted durkas...

413
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:09,644
Clearly did not write that poem.

414
00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,880
I know it. He knows it.

415
00:16:11,947 --> 00:16:14,382
Deep down in your heart, fiona...

416
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:17,418
...You know it, too.

417
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,449
Shame!

418
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:25,917
Fine! Whatever.

419
00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:27,719
I stole the stupid poem! Fiona: You did?

420
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:28,987
I told you.

421
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:29,988
There you go.

422
00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:31,422
I only did it because...

423
00:16:31,457 --> 00:16:33,024
I had the feelings.

424
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,826
I just didn't know how to show them.

425
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,294
Really?

426
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:39,797
That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

427
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,699
You've got to be kidding me.

428
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,235
Let's get out of here. This chick's crazy.

429
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,403
Seriously.

430
00:16:45,437 --> 00:16:46,971
I've never seen you like that.

431
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,040
You have no idea how good that felt.

432
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:52,176
Well, happy valentine's day, counselor.

433
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:54,579
This is all happening so fast, juliana.

434
00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:57,849
I know. And I have to be home
to my husband by midnight.

435
00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,283
Ooh, a twist.

436
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,355
Phil! Phil? My coat is stuck!

437
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:05,790
Who's phil?

438
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:07,792
No, not now. Seriously, my coat is stuck!

439
00:17:07,826 --> 00:17:09,127
Oh, honey, take off your coat!

440
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,662
Are you kidding me?! Pull it.

441
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,530
Oh, my goodness. Pull it.

442
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,134
Not good. Not good. Not good! Not --

443
00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:20,004
Okay. Okay. Okay.

444
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,339
Come on up.

445
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,307
Treat 'em like they're
regular stairs. It's okay.

446
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:24,375
Come on through.

447
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,877
Happy valentine's day.

448
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,512
You look lovely. So do you.

449
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,780
Not in a weird way.

450
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:30,348
How are you? Hi. Hi.

451
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,451
Let met just get in here.
Let me get in here. Okay.

452
00:17:33,485 --> 00:17:34,519
Phil?

453
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,586
Hey, tom! Hi.

454
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:36,377
How are you?

455
00:17:37,211 --> 00:17:40,347
Honey, claire, you remember
tom mickelson from the office,

456
00:17:40,381 --> 00:17:42,115
And his wife, susan. Hi. I do.

457
00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:43,784
Hey. Is your coat stuck?

458
00:17:43,818 --> 00:17:45,719
It is. It really is. Yeah.

459
00:17:45,753 --> 00:17:47,454
It's in there pretty darn good.

460
00:17:47,488 --> 00:17:48,789
why don't you take it off?

461
00:17:48,823 --> 00:17:50,791
Um...I'm freezing cold.

462
00:17:50,825 --> 00:17:53,093
Well, at least let me give it a shot, okay?

463
00:17:53,127 --> 00:17:54,861
Oh, I don't think -- no,
no, no, no, I got it.

464
00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:56,096
I...

465
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:57,764
Mr. And mrs. Dunphy? Hey!

466
00:17:57,799 --> 00:18:00,434
Principal balaban! Hey. How are you?

467
00:18:00,468 --> 00:18:02,903
Hi. Who's, uh, clive bixby?

468
00:18:02,937 --> 00:18:04,504
Oh. Uh...

469
00:18:04,539 --> 00:18:05,806
He makes speakers.

470
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,808
He's actually in town
for a trade show. Phil.

471
00:18:07,842 --> 00:18:10,110
Oh...My. Are you stuck?

472
00:18:10,144 --> 00:18:11,878
Yeah, I am. A...Little bit.

473
00:18:11,913 --> 00:18:13,313
Why don't you take off that coat?

474
00:18:13,347 --> 00:18:14,648
Um, I'm chilly.

475
00:18:14,682 --> 00:18:16,450
It's really jammed in here.

476
00:18:16,484 --> 00:18:18,885
Let me -- oh, no, I think we're okay.

477
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,221
Mrs. Dunphy! Claire: Oh!

478
00:18:21,255 --> 00:18:23,056
Are you kidding me?!

479
00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:24,424
Hi!

480
00:18:24,459 --> 00:18:26,426
Luke's math teacher, miss passwater!

481
00:18:26,461 --> 00:18:28,295
"passwater."

482
00:18:28,329 --> 00:18:30,664
Oh, jay, papi.

483
00:18:30,698 --> 00:18:32,732
Don't pay attention to what he's saying.

484
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:33,867
He's just being funny.

485
00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:35,602
Because he points out the truth.

486
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:38,405
Those people were laughing
because they saw it, too.

487
00:18:38,439 --> 00:18:39,840
What do you care what they think?

488
00:18:39,874 --> 00:18:40,841
I don't.

489
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:43,009
<i>I care what you think.</i>

490
00:18:43,044 --> 00:18:44,578
I love you. You're my valentine.

491
00:18:44,612 --> 00:18:45,579
Yeah, for now.

492
00:18:45,613 --> 00:18:47,080
But what about when I'm 80

493
00:18:47,114 --> 00:18:48,815
And I' a wheelchair, on oxygen?

494
00:18:48,850 --> 00:18:50,250
You still gonna want me?

495
00:18:50,284 --> 00:18:51,651
Do you think I'm so shallow

496
00:18:51,686 --> 00:18:53,553
That I'm gonna leave you when you're old?

497
00:18:53,588 --> 00:18:56,012
What if I gain 100 pounds?
You gonna leave me then?

498
00:18:57,447 --> 00:18:58,414
No!

499
00:18:58,448 --> 00:19:00,449
What's with the pause?!

500
00:19:00,484 --> 00:19:01,784
Well, it's not exactly fair.

501
00:19:01,819 --> 00:19:04,654
I mean, I have to get old.
You don't have to get fat.

502
00:19:04,688 --> 00:19:06,255
If I want to get fat, I get fat.

503
00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:08,357
Okay, fine. And if you do,
I'll be there. You'll see.

504
00:19:08,392 --> 00:19:11,127
Oh, yeah, watch me. Watch me how I get fat!

505
00:19:11,161 --> 00:19:12,929
I can get fat.

506
00:19:12,963 --> 00:19:14,297
And I'll be there.

507
00:19:14,331 --> 00:19:15,464
Mm.

508
00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:18,134
Good.

509
00:19:18,168 --> 00:19:20,036
You want to go back in? No.

510
00:19:20,070 --> 00:19:21,437
I got a better idea.

511
00:19:21,471 --> 00:19:23,072
Let's go salsa dancing.

512
00:19:23,106 --> 00:19:24,774
This guy's not that funny.

513
00:19:25,876 --> 00:19:27,009
Perfect.

514
00:19:28,078 --> 00:19:29,478
We're good! We're good!

515
00:19:29,513 --> 00:19:31,080
I talked to maintenance.

516
00:19:31,114 --> 00:19:33,316
They're -- they're coming, so go on ahead.

517
00:19:33,350 --> 00:19:34,984
Oh. phil: See you guys.

518
00:19:35,018 --> 00:19:36,652
See you later. See you at school?

519
00:19:36,687 --> 00:19:37,720
Good to see you guys.

520
00:19:37,754 --> 00:19:39,288
Maintenance is gonna take care of it.

521
00:19:39,323 --> 00:19:40,790
So we're fine. Okay.

522
00:19:40,824 --> 00:19:42,124
Okay, how long till they get here?

523
00:19:42,159 --> 00:19:44,160
I was faking it. No one's coming for us.

524
00:19:44,228 --> 00:19:46,295
Well, then, go and get them!

525
00:19:46,330 --> 00:19:49,632
Hurry! That was the most
embarrassing moment of my life!

526
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,868
Claire! Phil!

527
00:19:51,902 --> 00:19:53,102
Stand by.

528
00:19:54,304 --> 00:19:55,705
Hey.

529
00:19:55,739 --> 00:19:57,340
What, did you get your belt stuck?

530
00:19:57,374 --> 00:19:59,208
I did. Yeah. Yeah.

531
00:19:59,243 --> 00:20:00,877
Well, take your coat off.
Here, let me help you.

532
00:20:00,911 --> 00:20:02,745
No, no, dad, dad...

533
00:20:02,779 --> 00:20:04,480
Come on, what are you, naked under there?

534
00:20:05,916 --> 00:20:07,016
Oh, geez.

535
00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:08,417
It's okay.

536
00:20:08,452 --> 00:20:09,886
I got this.

537
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,454
O...Kay.

538
00:20:11,488 --> 00:20:15,845
Claire, follow my lead, okay? Claire: Okay.

539
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,114
Okay.

540
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:25,289
Wow. Okay.

541
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:27,058
Thank you.

542
00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:29,694
It has happened to me before.

543
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,495
That was impressive.

544
00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:34,332
Take it down a notch, "clive."

545
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:36,867
You okay?

546
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:37,935
Yeah, I'm good.

547
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,804
All right. Happy valentine's day.

548
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:41,239
Happy valentine's day.

549
00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:43,608
See ya. Bye. Good night.

550
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:44,609
Oh.

551
00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:46,944
sorry.

552
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:48,579
See you guys.

553
00:20:51,654 --> 00:20:54,022
Hey. I just wanted to tell you how
great you were last night.: Hi, honey.

554
00:20:54,057 --> 00:20:55,257
Uh, phil...

555
00:20:55,291 --> 00:20:57,759
Sorry I got the, um,
the oil everywhere, but, hey...

556
00:20:57,794 --> 00:20:58,727
Sweetie --

557
00:20:58,761 --> 00:20:59,995
<i>They're not our sheets, right?</i>

558
00:21:01,264 --> 00:21:03,198
Honey, honey, remember
when the salesman told us

559
00:21:03,232 --> 00:21:05,701
That the sienna was built with
the whole fami in mind? Yeah.

560
00:21:05,735 --> 00:21:08,370
<i>Well, the whole family
just heard that.</i>

561
00:21:08,404 --> 00:21:10,906
Uh, well, I guess...

562
00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:12,574
I guessthe bluetooth works.

563
00:21:12,608 --> 00:21:13,842
Mm.

564
00:21:13,876 --> 00:21:15,777
Why did you have oil?

565
00:21:15,812 --> 00:21:19,715
Because, buddy, we were making french fri!

566
00:21:19,749 --> 00:21:20,816
In your room?

567
00:21:20,817 --> 00:21:22,817
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