1 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,903 Oh, hello. 2 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,967 Jean Francois? 3 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:33,093 Jean Francois? 4 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,170 Jean Francois! 5 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:17,846 Mon Dieu! 6 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,993 You in the robes! 7 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,828 Put down the weapon of mass destruction 8 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,497 and get on the ground! 9 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,207 You are under arrest. 10 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:59,846 Put down your weapons now! 11 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,517 Why can't we ever do this the easy way? 12 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,945 World Police, get down on the ground! 13 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,831 Hey terrorist! 14 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:28,709 Terrorize this. 15 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:43,682 All right, let's make this interesting. 16 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,474 Hee-yah! 17 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:47,853 Yah! 18 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:12,794 You lose. 19 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,798 He's getting away with the WMD! 20 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:17,758 I got him. 21 00:04:30,479 --> 00:04:31,688 Damn, I missed him. 22 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:32,606 Sarah, he's got the bomb. 23 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,065 You got a fix? 24 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,110 I got him, Carson. 25 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,069 He's heading for the Louvre. 26 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,032 Your plans are over. 27 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:54,836 All right, Sarah! 28 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,296 -Yeah! -All right, team! 29 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,215 Nothing to it. 30 00:04:58,215 --> 00:04:59,674 -Woo! -All right. 31 00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,137 Bonjour, everyone. 32 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,263 Don't worry! 33 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:06,765 Everything is bon. 34 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,892 We stopped the terrorists. 35 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,864 I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here. 36 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,825 Oh yeah? 'Bout what? 37 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:28,954 I was thinking that I want you to marry me. 38 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,622 Don't joke about that! 39 00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:31,832 Who's joking? 40 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:36,837 Joe to Sarah! 41 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,797 Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake. 42 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,507 He finally popped the question? 43 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,676 Lisa, you're an amazing woman, 44 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,886 and a damn fine cop, 45 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,848 and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 46 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,474 Oh Carson, Carson. 47 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,437 Carson! 48 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:01,319 No! 49 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:08,660 Carson! 50 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,539 Feel so cold. 51 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,249 You have to hang on, Carson. 52 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,001 Sorry, babe. 53 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:18,670 Looks like this was a one-way ticket. 54 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:19,462 No! 55 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,592 Lisa, you have to live on, 56 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,719 Find someone else who will love you. 57 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,846 Find someone else and be happy. 58 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,055 You deserve it. 59 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,186 No! 60 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:37,606 No, no! 61 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:22,877 Great job, Gary. 62 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:24,337 Thanks. You too, Steve. 63 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,007 -That was the greatest acting I've ever seen. 64 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,425 I just don't know how you do it, Gary. 65 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,510 How do you make yourself so somber and emotional 66 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,012 to make everybody cry like that? 67 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,556 It's not that hard, really. 68 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:38,393 I just think about the saddest moment in my life. 69 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,690 Man, wow. 70 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,817 Gary is such a great guy. 71 00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:56,745 Gary, help me, help me! 72 00:08:56,745 --> 00:09:00,040 Get this thing off of me, Gary! 73 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,958 Hello, young man. 74 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,544 Congratulations on a terrific performance. 75 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,171 Oh, thank you. 76 00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,548 I don't believe we've met, Mr...? 77 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,384 The name is Spottswoode. 78 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,637 Well, nice to meet you. 79 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,681 And you are Gary Johnston. 80 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,183 All-American actor who graduated 81 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,226 Iowa University summa cum laude 82 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:23,104 with a double major in theater and world languages. 83 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:23,980 You've been at the top of every 84 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,857 acting class since you were a child. 85 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:26,983 Top-gun actor. 86 00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:33,156 Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood? 87 00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,867 I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. 88 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:38,995 If you're interested, follow me this way. 89 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,682 Please, Gary, step into my car. 90 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,062 Oh, I get it. 91 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,188 I'm supposed to get in your car 92 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,940 and let you put your finger inside me. 93 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:10,568 Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part. 94 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,363 No, I just want to show you something. 95 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,864 -Yeah, I'll bet you do. 96 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,699 Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood, 97 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:17,992 I'm not going to fuck your mouth, 98 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:20,787 and my time is extremely valuable. 99 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,758 Jesus, this is a nice limo. 100 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,426 Yes, it is. 101 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,886 Now, suck my cock. 102 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,515 Just kidding. 103 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:50,191 All right, just what the hell is this about? 104 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:53,194 I hate to break this to you, Gary, 105 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:56,489 but some people out there want you dead. 106 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,490 Dead? 107 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,992 -They're called terrorists, Gary. 108 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,703 And they hate everything about you. 109 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,079 -Why, what did I do to them? 110 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,290 I'm just a Broadway actor. 111 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:06,666 -It's not who you are, Gary, 112 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,209 it's what you stand for. 113 00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,461 And every single minute of every single day, 114 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,463 the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you 115 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:16,551 and everyone else who lives in a free country. 116 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:20,096 The only thing standing in their way is us. 117 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:22,932 -You? 118 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,811 -Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now. 119 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,638 -Okay, a limousine that can fly. 120 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,264 Now I have seen everything. 121 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:04,140 -Really? 122 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,434 Have you seen a man eat his own head? 123 00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:07,352 -No. 124 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,354 -So then you haven't seen everything. 125 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,648 And neither have we. 126 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,483 Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists 127 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,361 with a weapon of mass destruction. 128 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:20,323 The terrorists are planning something very big. 129 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,909 -And just what does this have to do with me? 130 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,620 -Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist 131 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:28,289 who wants to help them carry out the attack. 132 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,916 An actor convincing enough to make 133 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:33,253 the terrorists think he's one of them. 134 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,087 -This is crazy. 135 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,089 I'm an actor, not a spy. 136 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,966 -That's all spying is: acting. 137 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,968 And they say you're the best. 138 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,386 An actor with a double major 139 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,137 in theater and world languages. 140 00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:46,266 Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary. 141 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:48,851 -Look out! 142 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:23,177 -Right this way, you maverick renegade. 143 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,607 Welcome to Team Base. 144 00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,486 Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback 145 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,363 from the University of Nebraska. 146 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:44,240 He's a natural-born leader. 147 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,159 -I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston. 148 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,995 Hope it's as good as they say it is. 149 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,413 -And this is Sarah, 150 00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:52,915 the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant 151 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,500 in San Francisco. 152 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:58,629 -I sense that you're slightly confused right now. 153 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:01,758 -That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, 154 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,509 a fucking actor? 155 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:04,635 -Don't mind Chris. 156 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,220 He may be lacking courtesy, 157 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:09,766 but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer. 158 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,975 -That's right, actor. 159 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:14,312 Just stay the fuck away from me. 160 00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,981 -And finally, we have our psychology expert. 161 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,024 Where's Lisa? 162 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,361 -Right here. 163 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,994 -Gary, this is Lisa. 164 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:32,830 She specializes in how the terrorists think. 165 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,707 -Usually a case of malignant narcissism 166 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,918 brought on during childhood. 167 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,670 -We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary. 168 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:43,007 But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs. 169 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,760 And intelligence tells us they plan to use them. 170 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,179 Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 171 00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:50,139 -That is affirmative. 172 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,349 -I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 173 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:54,519 -The most sophisticated computer in the world. 174 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,312 -I've intercepted communications 175 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:57,897 that several terrorist groups 176 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:01,651 are being organized for one massive worldwide attack. 177 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:02,652 -From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 178 00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,696 has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100. 179 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,492 -9/11 times 100? 180 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:10,701 Jesus, that's... 181 00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:11,828 -Yes, 91,100. 182 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:19,460 -Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible. 183 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:22,505 -So now you see why we need you. 184 00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,966 We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep 185 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,426 into the Middle East. 186 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,010 If your acting is successful, 187 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,887 you'll be able to get us the information we need 188 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:32,723 to stop this whole thing from happening. 189 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:35,601 Of course, if you're not interested, 190 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,978 there's the door. 191 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,149 -All right. Thanks. 192 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:48,990 -Huh. 193 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:55,580 -Gary, hey, hold on a second. 194 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:56,873 Don't you understand? 195 00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,500 Every country in the world is in danger. 196 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,253 -How is it my responsibility to do something? 197 00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:03,921 -Because like it or not, 198 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:07,717 you're the one with the power to do something. 199 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:10,178 -I can't fight terrorists. 200 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,388 I don't know anything about guns or jets. 201 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,807 -That doesn't matter. 202 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,060 If you wanna help people, all that matters, Gary, 203 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,812 is what you have here. 204 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:29,238 Just think about it, okay? 205 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,531 Here, take this. 206 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,413 Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. 207 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:40,958 Just remember: Your freedom's at stake too. 208 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,390 -What do you think Spottswoode sees in him? 209 00:16:56,390 --> 00:17:00,186 -I don't know, but I think I see it too. 210 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,328 -Hey, Baxter. 211 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,207 I wanna take a detour. 212 00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:12,068 -Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, 213 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,653 says the weapons of mass destruction 214 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,364 you requested are ready for you to take. 215 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,407 -I am still in the process of recruiting 216 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,910 and training new terrorists for the attack. 217 00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,703 We take weapons later. 218 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,464 -He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. 219 00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:34,924 He says perhaps his translator 220 00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:36,467 did not make it clear to you. 221 00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,804 He says he should fire his translator? 222 00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:47,144 -Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am? 223 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:48,562 I cannot berieve that I actually have 224 00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,398 a Chechnyan standing here telling me 225 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,525 when he's gonna take a derivery. 226 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,317 Herro? 227 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,987 -Perhaps we can be ready sooner. 228 00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,615 -Yes, perhaps you can. 229 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,742 Now, take your weapons of mass destruction 230 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,120 and get the fuck out of here. 231 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,306 -I had to come back. 232 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,767 -I know you did, son. 233 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,644 -I still say this is a fucking mistake. 234 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,729 -Stop it, Chris. 235 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,481 I sense that you're making him feel intimidated. 236 00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:34,233 -Gary, I'm afraid there's no time. 237 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,067 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us 238 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,694 the attack is imminent. 239 00:20:36,694 --> 00:20:37,570 We need you to act like 240 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,030 a Middle Eastern terrorist right away. 241 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,615 -There's just one problem. 242 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,452 I don't look Middle Eastern. 243 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:48,497 -Leave that to us. 244 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:01,385 -Sarah's a professional at skin grafting 245 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,637 and laser valmoriphication. 246 00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,265 -Just try to be still. 247 00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:44,637 -Amazing. 248 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,514 -The valmoriphication completely worked. 249 00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:48,766 -Sit up and take a look, Gary. 250 00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:56,398 -It's uncanny. 251 00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,402 -You're going to fool everyone, Gary. 252 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:02,363 Or should I say, Hakmed. 253 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,449 All right, team, we've only got 254 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:07,827 one shot at this, so listen up. 255 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,120 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications 256 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,705 that terrorists from different countries 257 00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:14,834 are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo. 258 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,877 -Cairo, that's in Egypt. 259 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,214 -Exactly right, Joe. 260 00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:21,966 Now, team, your mission will be 261 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:24,385 to get Gary into that tavern. 262 00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:27,555 And once he's on the inside, cover his back. 263 00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:29,932 Gary, you must use your acting to find out 264 00:22:29,932 --> 00:22:33,561 any information you can from the terrorists. 265 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:37,982 Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown 266 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:40,401 and the terrorists take you prisoner, 267 00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:43,863 well, you'll probably want to take your own life. 268 00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:46,240 Here, you'd better have this. 269 00:22:51,829 --> 00:22:53,247 All right, team, that's it. 270 00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:54,874 We've got a job to do. 271 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:57,001 Let's go police the world. 272 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:35,706 -What if the old man is wrong about him, huh? 273 00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:36,999 What if he's not the great actor 274 00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,043 Spottswoode says he is? 275 00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:43,547 -Why don't you trust actors, Chris? 276 00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:46,508 -I got my reasons. 277 00:23:51,472 --> 00:23:53,933 -You all right, Gary? 278 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:55,976 -I was just thinking. 279 00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:57,603 On-stage, if I mess up a line, 280 00:23:57,603 --> 00:23:59,563 it could mean a bad review. 281 00:23:59,563 --> 00:24:02,316 If I mess up here, we're all dead. 282 00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:07,571 -I believe you can do this, Gary. 283 00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:08,572 -Why? 284 00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:11,450 What reason do you have to believe? 285 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:15,496 -Sometimes believing is all we have. 286 00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:12,177 -Fear not, Muslim friends. 287 00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:14,179 We're here to find terrorists. 288 00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:17,891 I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety. 289 00:25:17,891 --> 00:25:19,101 -All right, good job, Sarah. 290 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:21,562 Now, everyone make for the tavern. 291 00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:22,938 -Let's get one thing straight, actor. 292 00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:24,064 I don't trust you. 293 00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:26,108 If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off 294 00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:27,317 and stuff them up your ass 295 00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:28,694 so that the next time you shit, 296 00:25:28,694 --> 00:25:30,696 you'll shit all over your balls, got it? 297 00:25:30,696 --> 00:25:31,905 -What's your problem with me? 298 00:25:31,905 --> 00:25:33,240 -Yeah, you wanna go? 299 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:34,950 -Guys, guys, guys! 300 00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:36,326 Don't you see this is just what the terrorists 301 00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:37,536 want us to do? 302 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:39,413 The war is out there, man, out there. 303 00:25:39,413 --> 00:25:41,290 Now, pull it together. 304 00:25:43,083 --> 00:25:45,461 -All right, team, let's move to the inner city. 305 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:46,587 Keep it quiet. 306 00:25:58,849 --> 00:25:59,892 -Clear. -Clear. 307 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:00,809 -Clear. -Clear. 308 00:26:00,809 --> 00:26:02,019 -All right Gary, you follow me. 309 00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:02,895 The rest of the team, 310 00:26:02,895 --> 00:26:04,605 take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One. 311 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,320 All right, that's the tavern with the blue door. 312 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,447 Act your way past those guards 313 00:26:13,447 --> 00:26:15,657 and see what you can find out. 314 00:26:15,657 --> 00:26:18,577 Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal. 315 00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,537 You remember the signal? 316 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:23,540 -That's right. 317 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,250 All right, good luck. 318 00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:29,880 -Go get them, cowboy. 319 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:51,527 -Durka Allah, Muhammad Jihad. 320 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:56,698 Burqua Allah, Muhammad Jihad! 321 00:26:57,908 --> 00:26:59,243 Burqua Allah, Muhammad Jihad! 322 00:26:59,243 --> 00:27:01,411 La durka durka Muhammad Jihad! -Muhammad Jihad! 323 00:27:01,411 --> 00:27:02,913 -Oh, shit. 324 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:04,790 -Come on, Gary, act. 325 00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:05,916 You have the power. 326 00:27:08,335 --> 00:27:10,295 -Fuck, durk durk Allah. 327 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:15,717 Durka durka, Muhammad Jihad. 328 00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:17,928 Haka sherpa sherpa, bakala. 329 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,474 -Oh, durka durka durka. 330 00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:25,561 -All right, Gary! 331 00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:27,187 -Told you he was top gun. 332 00:27:27,187 --> 00:27:29,189 -I've never seen acting that good. 333 00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:30,399 -He's amazing. 334 00:27:49,042 --> 00:27:49,877 -Yeah, no, I know. 335 00:27:49,877 --> 00:27:51,837 It's terrible, terrible. 336 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,966 -We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. 337 00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:56,925 Who are you? 338 00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:00,554 -My name is Hakmed. 339 00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:02,848 I'm a terrorist. 340 00:28:05,559 --> 00:28:09,897 Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon? 341 00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:25,037 -I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary. 342 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:28,540 -My advice is not to get involved 343 00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,292 with a team member, Sarah. 344 00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:33,629 It's too painful to see them die. 345 00:28:33,629 --> 00:28:35,172 -I'm sorry, Lisa. 346 00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:36,006 I didn't mean to bring up-- 347 00:28:36,006 --> 00:28:37,883 -It's okay, Sarah. 348 00:28:37,883 --> 00:28:40,010 I treasure your friendship. 349 00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:42,054 -I treasure yours, Lisa. 350 00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:49,853 -Hey, have you ever thought 351 00:28:49,853 --> 00:28:52,773 of telling Sarah how you feel? 352 00:28:52,773 --> 00:28:54,816 -What would a girl like Sarah want 353 00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:57,945 with a simple Nebraska boy like me? 354 00:28:57,945 --> 00:28:59,738 I don't know nothing about fancy cars 355 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:02,157 and fancy restaurants. 356 00:29:02,157 --> 00:29:03,909 Still, I'd love to show her 357 00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,120 a full-moon night on the cornfields. 358 00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,011 -What do you know? 359 00:29:23,011 --> 00:29:26,431 -I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. 360 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,393 If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out. 361 00:29:29,393 --> 00:29:31,436 -Get out of here. 362 00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:33,605 We have put out a jihad on the infidels 363 00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,858 because they destroyed our lives. 364 00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,153 What do you know about pain and sadness? 365 00:29:43,407 --> 00:29:46,410 -Help me, help me, Gary! 366 00:29:46,410 --> 00:29:48,954 Get this thing off of me, Gary! 367 00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:52,666 -I was just a boy when the infidels 368 00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:55,794 came to my village in their Black Hawk helicopters. 369 00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,506 The infidels fired at the oil fields 370 00:29:59,506 --> 00:30:02,259 and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. 371 00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:04,052 Burning oil rained down from the sky 372 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:06,305 and cooked everything it touched. 373 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:07,764 I could only hide myself and cry 374 00:30:07,764 --> 00:30:09,016 as my goats were consumed 375 00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:11,727 by the fiery, black liquid death. 376 00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:16,189 In the midst of the chaos, 377 00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:17,774 I could swear that I heard my goats 378 00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:19,318 screaming for help. 379 00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:25,949 As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. 380 00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:29,536 It was on that day I put a jihad on them. 381 00:30:33,373 --> 00:30:35,542 And if you don't believe it, 382 00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:37,794 then you better kill me now, 383 00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:40,756 because I'll put a jihad on you too. 384 00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:48,221 -I like you. 385 00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:50,057 You have balls. 386 00:30:50,057 --> 00:30:51,099 I like balls. 387 00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:55,854 All right, listen carefully. 388 00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:58,857 The WMDs are located in a secret bunker 20 yards 389 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,484 east of this building. 390 00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:01,943 You can help us by guarding it and making-- 391 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:08,408 Come, they're onto us! 392 00:31:08,408 --> 00:31:09,576 Hurry, friend. 393 00:31:09,576 --> 00:31:11,119 We must make our escape. 394 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:15,499 -Shit! 395 00:31:15,499 --> 00:31:17,167 I've got five terrorists going southeast 396 00:31:17,167 --> 00:31:18,752 on Baka Laka Daka Street. 397 00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,879 -Don't let them get away. 398 00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:28,470 -I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern. 399 00:31:28,470 --> 00:31:29,304 -Copy, Sarah. 400 00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:32,641 You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists. 401 00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:56,498 -Go faster, you idiot. 402 00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:02,087 -Die, infidels! 403 00:32:10,804 --> 00:32:12,431 -They're not stopping. 404 00:32:12,431 --> 00:32:14,307 -They had their chance. 405 00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:24,192 Missed. Wide right. 406 00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:29,322 -One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something. 407 00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:31,491 -It's me, it's me! 408 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:35,078 -Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me, kiss me. " 409 00:32:35,078 --> 00:32:36,413 -Smart ass motherfucker. 410 00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:52,345 -Gary? 411 00:32:52,345 --> 00:32:53,680 -An infidel! 412 00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:54,723 Kill her. 413 00:33:06,109 --> 00:33:07,402 -Gary? 414 00:33:10,947 --> 00:33:13,116 Sarah to Team America Four. 415 00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:14,159 -What you got, Sarah? 416 00:33:14,159 --> 00:33:16,077 -Gary isn't in the tavern. 417 00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:16,912 I think he may be with-- 418 00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,456 -Say again Sarah, you're breaking up. 419 00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:21,791 -Joe, do you copy? 420 00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:23,001 -I'll get him. 421 00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:25,045 -Lisa? 422 00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:29,549 I lost her. 423 00:33:29,549 --> 00:33:30,842 -It's all right. 424 00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:31,760 We'll kill these guys, 425 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:33,220 then we'll find out what she wants. 426 00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:34,304 -Right. 427 00:33:42,103 --> 00:33:44,064 -Hey, guys, I think we should pull over. 428 00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:44,981 -Pull over? 429 00:33:44,981 --> 00:33:46,107 Yes, of course. 430 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:47,317 Pull over, let them pass us, 431 00:33:47,317 --> 00:33:49,069 and when they turn around, we charge them. 432 00:33:49,069 --> 00:33:50,529 I love your balls. 433 00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:56,159 -Shit, they got by me. 434 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,331 -What are we doing? 435 00:34:01,331 --> 00:34:03,333 -This jeep is filled with explosives. 436 00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:05,961 We're going to take their lives and our own. 437 00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:08,129 -W-we're gonna what? 438 00:34:08,129 --> 00:34:09,714 -Hang on, Joe. 439 00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:11,007 -Die, infidels. 440 00:34:22,644 --> 00:34:24,312 -Surprise, cockfags! 441 00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:44,249 All right, we fucking did it. 442 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,588 -Spottswoode, it's Lisa. 443 00:34:49,588 --> 00:34:53,091 Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down. 444 00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,175 -Great job, team. 445 00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:58,430 Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails. 446 00:35:00,765 --> 00:35:05,145 -This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. 447 00:35:05,145 --> 00:35:08,648 -Team America has once again pissed off the entire world 448 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:10,734 after blowing up half of Cairo. 449 00:35:10,734 --> 00:35:13,862 And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out. 450 00:35:13,862 --> 00:35:18,116 Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild. 451 00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:19,284 -The Film Actors Guild believes 452 00:35:19,284 --> 00:35:22,621 that what the world needs is compassion, not violence. 453 00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:26,708 All that Team America does is create new enemies. 454 00:35:26,708 --> 00:35:28,918 -Let me explain to you how this works. 455 00:35:28,918 --> 00:35:32,464 You see, the corporations finance Team America. 456 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:34,132 And then Team America goes out, 457 00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:36,217 and the corporations sit there in their... 458 00:35:36,217 --> 00:35:37,886 In their corporation buildings, 459 00:35:37,886 --> 00:35:40,722 and, see, they're all corporation-y, 460 00:35:40,722 --> 00:35:42,724 and they make money. 461 00:35:42,724 --> 00:35:43,558 Hm? 462 00:35:43,558 --> 00:35:45,101 -Last year I went to Iraq. 463 00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:46,645 Before Team America showed up, 464 00:35:46,645 --> 00:35:48,063 it was a happy place. 465 00:35:48,063 --> 00:35:50,565 They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies 466 00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:52,150 and rivers made of chocolate, 467 00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:53,985 where the children danced and laughed and played 468 00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:55,654 with gumdrop smiles. 469 00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:58,365 -The actors are calling for an emergency meeting. 470 00:35:58,365 --> 00:36:00,325 Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt, 471 00:36:00,325 --> 00:36:03,078 George Clooney, Liv Tyler, 472 00:36:03,078 --> 00:36:05,705 Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, 473 00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:08,124 Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon. 474 00:36:08,124 --> 00:36:09,167 -Matt Damon. 475 00:36:11,461 --> 00:36:12,837 -In the meantime, the world wants 476 00:36:12,837 --> 00:36:16,883 to deal with dangerous individuals their own way. 477 00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:35,443 -Hans Brix? 478 00:36:35,443 --> 00:36:36,236 Oh, no. 479 00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:42,158 Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans. 480 00:36:42,158 --> 00:36:44,119 -Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed 481 00:36:44,119 --> 00:36:45,995 to inspect your palace today, 482 00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:48,873 and your guards won't let me into certain areas. 483 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,417 -Hans, Hans, Hans. 484 00:36:50,417 --> 00:36:52,168 We've been through this a dozen times. 485 00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:56,548 I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans? 486 00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:57,590 -Then let me look around so I can 487 00:36:57,590 --> 00:36:59,926 ease the U.N.'s collective mind. 488 00:36:59,926 --> 00:37:02,095 -Hans, you're breaking my balls here. 489 00:37:02,095 --> 00:37:03,513 Hans, you're breaking my balls. 490 00:37:03,513 --> 00:37:06,433 -I'm sorry, but the U.N. must be firm with you. 491 00:37:06,433 --> 00:37:10,103 Let me see your whole palace or else. 492 00:37:10,103 --> 00:37:11,271 -Or else what? 493 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:16,526 -Or else we will be very, very angry with you. 494 00:37:16,526 --> 00:37:17,861 And we will write you a letter 495 00:37:17,861 --> 00:37:20,238 telling you how angry we are. 496 00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:23,616 -Okay, I'll show you, Hans. 497 00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:24,743 You ready? 498 00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:27,036 Stand a rittle to your reft. 499 00:37:28,705 --> 00:37:29,831 A rittle more. 500 00:37:31,416 --> 00:37:32,625 Good. 501 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:40,008 There you go, Hans Brix. 502 00:37:40,008 --> 00:37:42,385 How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker? 503 00:37:45,472 --> 00:37:46,514 Do you have any idea 504 00:37:46,514 --> 00:37:48,933 how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix? 505 00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:50,101 Well, fuck you. 506 00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:51,311 You want inspection? 507 00:37:51,311 --> 00:37:55,648 Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit. 508 00:37:55,648 --> 00:37:57,776 What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer? 509 00:37:57,776 --> 00:37:59,694 I'm planning the attack. 510 00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:02,071 Congraturations, Team America, 511 00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:04,115 you have stopped nothing. 512 00:38:23,051 --> 00:38:24,511 -Congratulations, Gary. 513 00:38:24,511 --> 00:38:26,596 You've done an amazing thing. 514 00:38:26,596 --> 00:38:28,681 It will be years before the terrorists 515 00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,392 have the resources to attack again. 516 00:38:31,392 --> 00:38:32,393 -We're gonna be unstoppable 517 00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:33,853 with you on the team, Gary. 518 00:38:33,853 --> 00:38:36,731 Terrorists, your game is through. 519 00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:38,942 -You're the best, Gary. 520 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:41,611 -So this terrorist is shooting at us 521 00:38:41,611 --> 00:38:43,446 from the back of his jeep, and he... 522 00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:45,031 -You might have all the others fooled, 523 00:38:45,031 --> 00:38:46,157 but not me. 524 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,993 Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger. 525 00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:50,411 The next time you pull a stunt like that, 526 00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:51,955 I'll drill two holes through your dick 527 00:38:51,955 --> 00:38:53,331 so that when you pee, it shoots out 528 00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,457 in all different directions. 529 00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:55,333 You got it? 530 00:38:58,419 --> 00:39:00,380 -Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you? 531 00:39:00,380 --> 00:39:02,715 -No, of course not, Joe. 532 00:39:12,517 --> 00:39:16,479 Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date? 533 00:39:16,479 --> 00:39:18,523 -Sarah, really? 534 00:39:18,523 --> 00:39:21,067 -Yeah, do you think it's all right? 535 00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,527 -I think it's better than all right. 536 00:39:22,527 --> 00:39:23,528 It's great! 537 00:39:23,528 --> 00:39:24,571 -Oh, good. 538 00:39:24,571 --> 00:39:25,905 I'm so glad you think so. 539 00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,505 Gary, you okay? 540 00:39:43,339 --> 00:39:45,633 -I was just wondering if I can let go 541 00:39:45,633 --> 00:39:47,760 of an old, painful memory. 542 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:52,140 -Is it anything that you wanna talk about? 543 00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,142 -When I was a kid, I always looked up 544 00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:56,394 to my older brother, Tommy. 545 00:39:56,394 --> 00:40:00,398 He was the jock, and I was the little performer. 546 00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:02,942 We were all out at the zoo one day. 547 00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:05,069 I was doing some acting, walking on the railing 548 00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:07,447 of the gorilla exhibit. 549 00:40:07,447 --> 00:40:08,239 I fell in. 550 00:40:09,324 --> 00:40:12,869 Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me, 551 00:40:12,869 --> 00:40:14,287 forgetting that he had blueberries 552 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:15,914 in his front pocket. 553 00:40:17,290 --> 00:40:19,667 The gorillas just went wild. 554 00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:21,252 They jumped all over his body 555 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:22,754 and threw him around like a rag doll 556 00:40:22,754 --> 00:40:25,048 to get to those blueberries. 557 00:40:25,048 --> 00:40:27,550 One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, 558 00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,677 who tossed him to another. 559 00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:33,306 Everyone panicked and cried out 560 00:40:33,306 --> 00:40:36,476 for somebody to help, but it was too late. 561 00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:38,728 The gorillas beat him to death before 562 00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:41,481 the zookeepers could gas them all. 563 00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:47,445 My acting got my brother killed. 564 00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:52,116 I've had to live with that every single day. 565 00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:57,497 -Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did. 566 00:40:57,497 --> 00:41:00,208 -I think I can finally let it go. 567 00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:03,836 Because my acting saved the entire world. 568 00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:05,755 And something even better happened. 569 00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:06,547 -What? 570 00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:11,636 -I met somebody who took my breath away. 571 00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:17,725 -Gary, no. 572 00:41:19,602 --> 00:41:20,853 -I'm sorry. 573 00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:21,688 -It's just... 574 00:41:21,688 --> 00:41:24,941 Things are really complicated, Gary. 575 00:41:24,941 --> 00:41:27,026 -I know about Carson. 576 00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:28,653 I know how it feels. 577 00:41:29,696 --> 00:41:31,864 -God, I'm so confused. 578 00:41:31,864 --> 00:41:35,702 It's too soon to be having feelings for you. 579 00:41:35,702 --> 00:41:37,912 -Maybe feelings are feelings 580 00:41:37,912 --> 00:41:40,873 because we can't control them. 581 00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:42,625 -But I have to control them 582 00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:44,460 because I can't go through losing somebody again. 583 00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:45,670 It's too painful. 584 00:41:45,670 --> 00:41:48,381 -So, so, what, you're just gonna shut down? 585 00:41:48,381 --> 00:41:50,299 I really like you. 586 00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:53,761 There's no chance we can ever be together? 587 00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:58,850 -Only if you could promise me you'll never die. 588 00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:01,060 -You know I can't promise that. 589 00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:05,982 -If you did that, I would make love to you right now. 590 00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:11,237 -I promise I will never die. 591 00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:57,135 Lisa, you're the most amazing person 592 00:43:57,135 --> 00:43:58,761 I've ever met. 593 00:43:58,761 --> 00:44:00,179 It's only been a short time, 594 00:44:00,179 --> 00:44:01,264 but I think that I'm completely in love-- 595 00:44:01,264 --> 00:44:03,057 -Shh, let's not talk. 596 00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:06,727 -I can't help it. 597 00:44:06,727 --> 00:44:07,937 This just feels so right, 598 00:44:07,937 --> 00:44:09,939 and I don't want anything to mess it up. 599 00:44:09,939 --> 00:44:10,731 -Shh. 600 00:44:13,317 --> 00:44:17,864 There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up. 601 00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:28,601 -No, no, no me gusta! 602 00:46:05,930 --> 00:46:09,100 -Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. 603 00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:11,060 At 7:15 this morning, 604 00:46:11,060 --> 00:46:13,938 the terrorists carried out their attack. 605 00:46:13,938 --> 00:46:15,439 -What? 606 00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,441 -But how can that be? 607 00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:19,652 Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo. 608 00:46:19,652 --> 00:46:20,486 -It appears now that 609 00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:21,904 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans 610 00:46:21,904 --> 00:46:23,197 being in charge. 611 00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:26,367 That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 612 00:46:26,367 --> 00:46:28,202 Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 613 00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:29,161 -I'm sorry. 614 00:46:30,204 --> 00:46:34,834 -We have to find out who did this and take them down, fast. 615 00:46:34,834 --> 00:46:36,919 -Sir, I am intercepting communications 616 00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,879 about the terrorists' identities. 617 00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:40,589 -On screen. 618 00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:43,217 -This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. 619 00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:47,763 An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead. 620 00:46:47,763 --> 00:46:51,851 Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan. 621 00:46:51,851 --> 00:46:54,478 -Of course, Derka Derkastan. 622 00:46:54,478 --> 00:46:56,814 -The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation 623 00:46:56,814 --> 00:46:59,400 for Team America's actions in Cairo. 624 00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,485 Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members 625 00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,362 of the Film Actors Guild. 626 00:47:03,362 --> 00:47:04,989 -Alec Baldwin? 627 00:47:04,989 --> 00:47:05,865 -Gary? 628 00:47:05,865 --> 00:47:07,742 -He's, he's my hero. 629 00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:10,286 The single greatest actor of all time. 630 00:47:10,286 --> 00:47:13,706 -Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama? 631 00:47:13,706 --> 00:47:15,333 The terrorists? 632 00:47:15,333 --> 00:47:17,918 The person who supplied them with WMDs? 633 00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:19,253 No. 634 00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:20,796 Blame Team America. 635 00:47:22,757 --> 00:47:24,717 Their reckless disregard in Cairo 636 00:47:24,717 --> 00:47:27,094 brought on this violence today. 637 00:47:27,094 --> 00:47:30,348 Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama 638 00:47:30,348 --> 00:47:31,724 is on your hands. 639 00:47:35,019 --> 00:47:37,104 -Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech, 640 00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:38,522 hundreds of people turned out 641 00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:39,440 at Mount Rushmore today to protest. 642 00:47:44,612 --> 00:47:46,155 -Hey, that's here. 643 00:47:47,073 --> 00:47:49,075 -Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore 644 00:47:49,075 --> 00:47:54,038 is also jumping on the "Fuck Team America" bandwagon. 645 00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:55,998 -Protesting is not enough. 646 00:47:55,998 --> 00:47:57,625 We must take radical action against 647 00:47:57,625 --> 00:48:00,294 the fascists in our own country. 648 00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:01,379 Bring it down! 649 00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:02,588 Bring it all down! 650 00:48:09,553 --> 00:48:10,846 -Team, if the Derka Derkastanis 651 00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:12,515 have weapons of mass destruction, 652 00:48:12,515 --> 00:48:16,352 I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1000. 653 00:48:16,352 --> 00:48:17,728 -Jesus, you mean...? 654 00:48:17,728 --> 00:48:18,687 -Yes. 655 00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:19,522 911,000. 656 00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:23,317 -Then forget all these assholes. 657 00:48:23,317 --> 00:48:24,860 We got work to do. 658 00:48:24,860 --> 00:48:26,612 -Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized 659 00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:27,738 so he can use his acting. 660 00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,323 -My acting? 661 00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:30,699 My acting? 662 00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:33,452 My acting just got a thousand people killed. 663 00:48:33,452 --> 00:48:35,246 Jesus, I've done it again. 664 00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:36,831 -Pull yourself together, Gary. 665 00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:38,290 We need you now more than ever. 666 00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:39,875 -I'm through with this. 667 00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:40,960 -Gary, you can't go. 668 00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:42,545 Without you, the team is doomed. 669 00:48:42,545 --> 00:48:46,298 Remember, there is no "I" in Team America. 670 00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:47,133 -Yes, there is. 671 00:48:51,137 --> 00:48:52,721 -I know it's hard, Gary. 672 00:48:52,721 --> 00:48:53,764 But you're still the only hope 673 00:48:53,764 --> 00:48:55,891 to stop these newer terrorists. 674 00:48:55,891 --> 00:48:57,017 -Why me? 675 00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:58,769 Why am I the only one? 676 00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,479 -Because you're the one with the power to-- 677 00:49:00,479 --> 00:49:03,691 -Well, I don't want the fucking power! 678 00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:07,278 I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame 679 00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:10,030 and I don't want the responsibility. 680 00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:12,908 -Then what about all the things you promised last night? 681 00:49:12,908 --> 00:49:15,536 You said you'd never leave. 682 00:49:15,536 --> 00:49:17,246 -I said I'd never die. 683 00:49:17,246 --> 00:49:19,206 But now I'm dead inside. 684 00:49:21,417 --> 00:49:23,878 -You slept with Gary? 685 00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:26,630 -Sarah. 686 00:49:26,630 --> 00:49:28,674 -But you knew I liked Gary. 687 00:49:28,674 --> 00:49:29,550 I told you. 688 00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:32,052 -You like Gary? 689 00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:34,847 Oh, I see. 690 00:49:35,848 --> 00:49:37,808 -I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah. 691 00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:39,101 -Save it, Lisa. 692 00:49:40,686 --> 00:49:42,188 -You see? 693 00:49:42,188 --> 00:49:44,773 All I do is hurt people. 694 00:49:44,773 --> 00:49:46,358 -Gary, you didn't kill your brother. 695 00:49:46,358 --> 00:49:47,902 Those gorillas did. 696 00:49:52,448 --> 00:49:55,367 -I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am. 697 00:49:55,367 --> 00:49:56,827 I'm just bad news. 698 00:49:58,287 --> 00:49:59,997 I'll never act again. 699 00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:09,381 -Fuck him. 700 00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:10,549 We don't need an actor. 701 00:50:10,549 --> 00:50:11,800 We can take out the Derka Derkastanis 702 00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:13,427 the old-fashioned way. 703 00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:16,263 -No, it would be a suicide mission. 704 00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:17,723 -That's all right. 705 00:50:17,723 --> 00:50:20,267 I feel a little bit like dying. 706 00:50:22,937 --> 00:50:24,438 -Goddamn it, Gary. 707 00:51:15,614 --> 00:51:16,448 -Gary, help me! 708 00:51:17,283 --> 00:51:18,242 Get this thing off of me, Gary! 709 00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:24,331 -All right, team. 710 00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:27,001 We're nearing Derka Derkastan. 711 00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:27,876 Let's get ready. 712 00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:33,007 Look out, we've got terrorist aircraft. 713 00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,717 -Ai, derka derka! 714 00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:36,635 -Muhammad Al. 715 00:51:37,595 --> 00:51:38,762 -There's only five of them, team. 716 00:51:38,762 --> 00:51:39,722 This should be easy. 717 00:51:39,722 --> 00:51:41,265 -I've got Korean aircraft at 1:00. 718 00:51:43,601 --> 00:51:45,811 -What are they doing here? 719 00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:49,857 -Tang ping pong. 720 00:51:49,857 --> 00:51:52,568 -Shoot them down, like dogs. 721 00:51:52,568 --> 00:51:53,402 -Kim Jong II? 722 00:51:53,402 --> 00:51:55,362 Why is he helping terrorists? 723 00:52:03,412 --> 00:52:05,748 -I've got one on my tail! 724 00:52:06,790 --> 00:52:08,000 -I got you, Sarah. 725 00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:14,673 -Bring in the submarines. 726 00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,261 -What the hell? 727 00:52:20,095 --> 00:52:21,388 Something's shooting at us from the water. 728 00:52:21,388 --> 00:52:22,973 -It must be a Korean sub. 729 00:52:22,973 --> 00:52:24,600 -Chris, you've gotta take them out. 730 00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:26,226 -I'm already on it. 731 00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:34,902 -These guys really snuck up on us. 732 00:52:34,902 --> 00:52:37,655 -Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately. 733 00:52:37,655 --> 00:52:39,948 -Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you. 734 00:52:39,948 --> 00:52:42,451 -No, you just didn't care if you did. 735 00:52:43,952 --> 00:52:45,746 -Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair. 736 00:52:45,746 --> 00:52:48,624 Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her. 737 00:52:48,624 --> 00:52:50,751 Just like nobody can help it 738 00:52:50,751 --> 00:52:52,795 if you have feelings for Gary. 739 00:52:56,715 --> 00:52:58,467 -What is that supposed to mean? 740 00:52:58,467 --> 00:52:59,510 -Oh, come on, Sarah. 741 00:52:59,510 --> 00:53:01,679 You mean you never realized Joe has feelings for you? 742 00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:06,642 -Joe? 743 00:53:06,642 --> 00:53:08,936 But you're like a brother to me. 744 00:53:09,853 --> 00:53:12,064 -That's all I ever am, like a brother. 745 00:53:12,064 --> 00:53:12,940 It isn't fair. 746 00:53:19,279 --> 00:53:20,114 -Hang on, team. 747 00:53:20,114 --> 00:53:22,116 Someone has broken into the hangar. 748 00:53:22,116 --> 00:53:22,991 Baxter? 749 00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:25,035 -Hey, Team America. 750 00:53:25,035 --> 00:53:27,538 I got something for you. 751 00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:28,831 -What the hell? 752 00:53:28,831 --> 00:53:31,041 -Prepare to die. 753 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:35,713 -Jesus titty-fucking... 754 00:53:39,717 --> 00:53:40,509 ...Christ! 755 00:53:41,719 --> 00:53:42,594 -Spottswoode! 756 00:53:45,305 --> 00:53:46,348 -Oh, my God! 757 00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:50,519 -No, he can't be dead. 758 00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:53,731 We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 759 00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:56,734 I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 760 00:53:56,734 --> 00:53:58,026 -Their computers are down. 761 00:53:58,026 --> 00:53:59,570 Attack! 762 00:54:03,449 --> 00:54:04,616 -Sarah! 763 00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:06,660 -I sense I'm going down. 764 00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:09,788 -Sarah! 765 00:54:09,788 --> 00:54:10,914 God, Chris, you gotta help her. 766 00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:12,082 -I'mon it. 767 00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:13,709 Just hang on, Sarah. 768 00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:18,756 Oh, fuck, I've been hit. 769 00:54:18,756 --> 00:54:21,008 -Chris, come in. 770 00:54:21,008 --> 00:54:22,468 -Oh, Jesus, I'm hit! 771 00:54:22,468 --> 00:54:23,343 -Lisa! 772 00:54:23,343 --> 00:54:24,178 -Going down. 773 00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:27,389 -Goddamn it, I'm gonna have to breach. 774 00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:32,227 -I'm gonna hit the water. 775 00:54:33,061 --> 00:54:34,813 -Missile lock, I've got missile lock. 776 00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:36,607 I've gotta bail out! 777 00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:54,833 -Salvage their ships. 778 00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:57,878 If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them. 779 00:54:57,878 --> 00:54:58,837 -Yeh. 780 00:55:01,173 --> 00:55:03,050 -Terrorists on screen. 781 00:55:04,218 --> 00:55:06,762 Okay, who brew up Panama Canal? 782 00:55:08,138 --> 00:55:10,390 -We were angry about Cairo. 783 00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:12,559 -Goddamn it, how many times do I have to tell you? 784 00:55:12,559 --> 00:55:15,604 You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal. 785 00:55:15,604 --> 00:55:17,606 I have worked 10 years on this pran. 786 00:55:17,606 --> 00:55:20,609 It is a very precise and a compricated pran. 787 00:55:20,609 --> 00:55:22,778 I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up. 788 00:55:22,778 --> 00:55:24,571 Now, take the weapons where I told you 789 00:55:24,571 --> 00:55:27,074 and wait for the goddamn signal this time. 790 00:55:27,074 --> 00:55:27,866 Goodbye. 791 00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:32,955 Why is everyone so fucking stupid? 792 00:55:34,164 --> 00:55:37,793 Why aren't more people interrigent, rike me? 793 00:57:55,430 --> 00:57:57,724 -Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show? 794 00:57:57,724 --> 00:57:59,977 Hey, yeah, it is you. 795 00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:02,813 Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS. 796 00:58:02,813 --> 00:58:04,856 -I don't act anymore. 797 00:58:04,856 --> 00:58:06,608 I gave that up. 798 00:58:06,608 --> 00:58:07,901 -Oh, come on, man, just a scene. 799 00:58:07,901 --> 00:58:10,362 -I said, get away from me! 800 00:58:10,362 --> 00:58:12,239 I'm completely lost. 801 00:58:12,239 --> 00:58:14,157 I've hit rock bottom. 802 00:58:14,157 --> 00:58:15,033 -Easy, easy. 803 00:58:15,033 --> 00:58:17,202 Whoa, you gotta calm down there, Chuck. 804 00:58:17,202 --> 00:58:18,662 -I hurt people. 805 00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:19,538 I'm a dick. 806 00:58:20,414 --> 00:58:23,083 -Well, being a dick ain't so bad. 807 00:58:23,083 --> 00:58:25,002 See, there are three kinds of people: 808 00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:27,713 Dicks, pussies and assholes. 809 00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:29,589 Pussies think everyone can get along 810 00:58:29,589 --> 00:58:31,466 and dicks just wanna fuck all the time 811 00:58:31,466 --> 00:58:33,218 without thinking it through. 812 00:58:33,218 --> 00:58:35,637 But then you got your assholes, Chuck. 813 00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:36,847 And all the assholes want 814 00:58:36,847 --> 00:58:39,558 is to shit all over everything. 815 00:58:39,558 --> 00:58:42,310 So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while 816 00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:45,230 because pussies get fucked by dicks. 817 00:58:45,230 --> 00:58:48,817 But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. 818 00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:50,318 And if they didn't fuck the assholes, 819 00:58:50,318 --> 00:58:51,695 you know what you'd get? 820 00:58:51,695 --> 00:58:53,613 You'd get your dick and your pussy 821 00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:55,532 all covered in shit. 822 00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:57,826 -All right, that does it. 823 00:58:57,826 --> 00:58:59,745 Get out of here, you drunk lowlife. 824 00:59:07,002 --> 00:59:09,463 Get out of here, I said. 825 00:59:17,512 --> 00:59:18,305 -Lisa! 826 00:59:20,015 --> 00:59:22,059 Lisa, Lisa, are you here? 827 00:59:25,604 --> 00:59:28,982 -Get out of the street, you fucking bum! 828 00:59:33,445 --> 00:59:36,031 You gave up on life, didn't you? 829 01:00:59,614 --> 01:01:03,285 -My fellow actors, we live in a dark time. 830 01:01:03,285 --> 01:01:05,704 The world is becoming more and more violent 831 01:01:05,704 --> 01:01:08,165 and the idiots in charge are making it worse. 832 01:01:08,165 --> 01:01:12,002 What the world needs is an international advisory committee 833 01:01:12,002 --> 01:01:15,046 who truly understands global politics. 834 01:01:15,046 --> 01:01:15,922 Namely, us. 835 01:01:19,634 --> 01:01:22,262 -The time has come for us to start using our acting talents 836 01:01:22,262 --> 01:01:24,264 in a different way. 837 01:01:24,264 --> 01:01:27,642 -Yes, we can use our powers to change the world. 838 01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:31,563 -We will persuade everyone 839 01:01:31,563 --> 01:01:34,441 to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking. 840 01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:37,068 -If we focus our acting on global politics, 841 01:01:37,068 --> 01:01:38,987 we can change everything and stuff. 842 01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:44,951 -As actors, it is our responsibility 843 01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:46,620 to read the newspapers 844 01:01:46,620 --> 01:01:47,954 and then say what we read 845 01:01:47,954 --> 01:01:51,374 on television like it's our own opinion. 846 01:01:51,374 --> 01:01:53,251 -Matt Damon. 847 01:01:53,251 --> 01:01:55,003 -We've all done action films. 848 01:01:55,003 --> 01:01:56,630 If anyone tries to get in our way, 849 01:01:56,630 --> 01:01:59,049 we'll show them just how tough us actors really are. 850 01:02:03,887 --> 01:02:05,972 -I'm glad you all agree. 851 01:02:05,972 --> 01:02:07,515 Because I've just been contacted 852 01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:10,435 by a very important political leader 853 01:02:10,435 --> 01:02:12,729 who is bringing all the world leaders together 854 01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:15,690 for a massive international peace conference. 855 01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:19,778 And he wants us to be the keynote speakers. 856 01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:23,490 -Matt Damon! 857 01:02:26,409 --> 01:02:28,495 -Say hello to our new partner. 858 01:02:29,329 --> 01:02:30,121 -Herro. 859 01:02:40,006 --> 01:02:43,134 -Stop it, stop it, you're killing him! 860 01:02:44,678 --> 01:02:47,013 -I'm gonna fucking kill you! 861 01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:49,474 -You're not in a position to kill anyone, 862 01:02:49,474 --> 01:02:51,935 my red, white and brue friend. 863 01:02:52,811 --> 01:02:56,856 -So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000. 864 01:02:56,856 --> 01:02:59,567 -No, you think so small. 865 01:02:59,567 --> 01:03:01,528 You see, I'm about to have 866 01:03:01,528 --> 01:03:03,780 an eraborate peace ceremony. 867 01:03:03,780 --> 01:03:06,283 And while all the world's most important people 868 01:03:06,283 --> 01:03:10,495 are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs 869 01:03:10,495 --> 01:03:13,832 which I have given to terrorists all around the grobe. 870 01:03:15,792 --> 01:03:19,004 It will be 9/11 times 2,356. 871 01:03:22,132 --> 01:03:24,467 -My God, that's... 872 01:03:24,467 --> 01:03:26,886 I don't even know what that is. 873 01:03:26,886 --> 01:03:28,013 -Nobody does. 874 01:03:28,888 --> 01:03:30,265 -You heartless bastard. 875 01:03:30,265 --> 01:03:31,850 Why would you do such a thing? 876 01:03:31,850 --> 01:03:34,144 -Because then there will be barance. 877 01:03:34,144 --> 01:03:36,855 Every country will be a Third World country. 878 01:03:36,855 --> 01:03:38,148 Just imagine it. 879 01:03:39,024 --> 01:03:42,694 All around the world, there will be massive exprosions. 880 01:03:42,694 --> 01:03:43,945 With nobody to guide them, 881 01:03:43,945 --> 01:03:45,822 the people will break out into panic 882 01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:48,366 and rioting all over the earth. 883 01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:51,911 The true nature of humanity is unreashed. 884 01:03:51,911 --> 01:03:54,456 Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone 885 01:03:54,456 --> 01:03:57,125 and fends only for themselves. 886 01:03:57,125 --> 01:03:59,669 Grobal stabirity unravels. 887 01:03:59,669 --> 01:04:01,838 By the time my show is over, 888 01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:03,798 it will be far too rate. 889 01:04:11,348 --> 01:04:12,807 -Your plan will fail. 890 01:04:12,807 --> 01:04:13,975 You'll never keep the world leaders 891 01:04:13,975 --> 01:04:16,227 distracted here for nine hours. 892 01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:17,687 -Oh, no? 893 01:04:17,687 --> 01:04:19,481 I've got Arec Barrwin. 894 01:04:21,566 --> 01:04:23,193 -Dear God. 895 01:04:23,193 --> 01:04:26,404 -You are the rast of a dying breed, 896 01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:29,240 the frag-waving American. 897 01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:33,495 Well, your rittle dream will soon be over. 898 01:04:33,495 --> 01:04:36,456 I must get back to pranning the ceremony now. 899 01:04:36,456 --> 01:04:38,958 The film actors are on their way. 900 01:04:38,958 --> 01:04:42,087 Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro. 901 01:04:43,505 --> 01:04:45,715 -Having so little faith in humanity 902 01:04:45,715 --> 01:04:48,218 must make you a very lonely man. 903 01:04:56,142 --> 01:04:59,312 -You shall have a front-row seat. 904 01:04:59,312 --> 01:05:01,356 Bring her upstairs. 905 01:05:01,356 --> 01:05:03,817 -Leave her alone, you son of a bitch! 906 01:05:03,817 --> 01:05:06,528 Lisa, I treasure your friendship! 907 01:05:08,154 --> 01:05:10,448 -Somebody has to stop this! 908 01:06:34,532 --> 01:06:36,201 -Oh, my God. 909 01:06:36,201 --> 01:06:38,119 What the hell happened? 910 01:06:57,263 --> 01:06:58,473 Hello, anybody? 911 01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:05,438 -Greetings, Mr. Johnston. 912 01:07:05,438 --> 01:07:07,482 -I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened? 913 01:07:07,482 --> 01:07:12,028 -Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel. 914 01:07:12,028 --> 01:07:13,863 -But where's the team? 915 01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,406 -They have been taken prisoner 916 01:07:15,406 --> 01:07:18,159 by Kim Jong Il in North Korea. 917 01:07:18,159 --> 01:07:19,786 I have intercepted communications 918 01:07:19,786 --> 01:07:21,955 that he is planning the massive attack 919 01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:24,582 during a peace ceremony. 920 01:07:24,582 --> 01:07:25,500 -Don't move, protester, 921 01:07:25,500 --> 01:07:27,794 or I'll blow your commie brains out. 922 01:07:27,794 --> 01:07:29,379 -Spottswoode. 923 01:07:29,379 --> 01:07:30,255 -Johnston? 924 01:07:31,172 --> 01:07:32,799 What the hell are you doing here? 925 01:07:32,799 --> 01:07:33,841 Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 926 01:07:33,841 --> 01:07:35,843 I'm using it to blow up North Korea. 927 01:07:35,843 --> 01:07:37,971 -No, the team is in North Korea. 928 01:07:37,971 --> 01:07:39,931 -I know, and so are the triggers 929 01:07:39,931 --> 01:07:42,850 to WMDs poised all around the globe. 930 01:07:42,850 --> 01:07:45,603 My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong II 931 01:07:45,603 --> 01:07:48,439 and everything around him before he can set them off. 932 01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:50,066 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E,, initiate detonation sequence 933 01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:51,025 on the ships. 934 01:07:51,025 --> 01:07:53,069 -You'll kill them all. 935 01:07:53,069 --> 01:07:55,071 -It's what they would want me to do, Gary. 936 01:07:55,071 --> 01:07:56,573 They would happily give their lives 937 01:07:56,573 --> 01:07:59,117 for the good of the world, something you don't understand! 938 01:07:59,117 --> 01:08:00,910 -There has to be another way. 939 01:08:00,910 --> 01:08:04,330 -There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong II. 940 01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:05,290 -Let me go. 941 01:08:07,125 --> 01:08:08,293 -You? 942 01:08:08,293 --> 01:08:10,295 You're a buttfucking quitter. 943 01:08:10,295 --> 01:08:11,921 You walked out, Gary. 944 01:08:11,921 --> 01:08:13,089 The team went on a mission without you. 945 01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:13,965 And without an actor, 946 01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:15,133 they were like pigs to the slaughter. 947 01:08:15,133 --> 01:08:17,802 I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands? 948 01:08:17,802 --> 01:08:19,012 -I know I walked out, 949 01:08:19,012 --> 01:08:20,680 but I'd do anything to take it back. 950 01:08:20,680 --> 01:08:22,223 Please, just let me help. 951 01:08:22,223 --> 01:08:24,183 -You've done enough. 952 01:08:24,183 --> 01:08:28,563 -Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me. 953 01:08:28,563 --> 01:08:31,816 -I want to believe in you, Gary, 954 01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:33,443 I really do. 955 01:08:33,443 --> 01:08:36,571 But you've let me down before. 956 01:08:36,571 --> 01:08:39,741 -Please, how can I make you trust me? 957 01:08:41,451 --> 01:08:44,412 -I remember the first time we met. 958 01:08:44,412 --> 01:08:45,955 You were a simple Broadway actor 959 01:08:45,955 --> 01:08:47,206 afraid to get in my limo 960 01:08:47,206 --> 01:08:48,207 because you thought I wanted you 961 01:08:48,207 --> 01:08:50,668 to perform oral sex on me. 962 01:08:50,668 --> 01:08:53,046 Do you remember that? 963 01:08:53,046 --> 01:08:53,838 -Yeah. 964 01:08:55,006 --> 01:08:57,258 -And now the tables are turned, 965 01:08:57,258 --> 01:09:00,219 and I don't know if I can trust you. 966 01:09:01,929 --> 01:09:04,515 -Just give me a chance. 967 01:09:08,603 --> 01:09:10,855 -All right, I'll trust you. 968 01:09:11,731 --> 01:09:12,940 But only if you 969 01:09:13,858 --> 01:09:16,152 will perform oral sex on me. 970 01:09:18,196 --> 01:09:19,155 -What? 971 01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:21,115 -Right here, right now. 972 01:09:23,618 --> 01:09:25,161 -You can't be serious. 973 01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:26,954 -Oh, I am serious. 974 01:09:26,954 --> 01:09:29,415 Look, this is my serious face. 975 01:09:32,168 --> 01:09:33,419 -What will that prove? 976 01:09:33,419 --> 01:09:35,004 -It will prove that you are truly ready 977 01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:36,464 to lay everything on the line. 978 01:09:36,464 --> 01:09:37,674 To throw away all your inhibitions 979 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:38,549 and give 100%. 980 01:09:38,549 --> 01:09:40,051 We must go back to that first night we met, 981 01:09:40,051 --> 01:09:41,594 that first issue of trust. 982 01:09:41,594 --> 01:09:42,428 Don't you see? 983 01:09:42,428 --> 01:09:43,262 -No. 984 01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,472 I thought you weren't gay. 985 01:09:44,472 --> 01:09:45,807 -This isn't about sex, Gary, 986 01:09:45,807 --> 01:09:47,308 it's about trust. 987 01:09:47,308 --> 01:09:48,768 It's the eye of the needle, Gary, 988 01:09:48,768 --> 01:09:51,437 and we must both pass through it. 989 01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:56,567 Okay, let's do it. 990 01:10:00,029 --> 01:10:02,448 I'll make sure nobody's watching. 991 01:10:02,448 --> 01:10:04,575 Yeah, it looks clear. 992 01:10:04,575 --> 01:10:05,368 Okay, go. 993 01:10:07,870 --> 01:10:09,539 -There must be another way. 994 01:10:09,539 --> 01:10:10,415 -Hmph! 995 01:10:10,415 --> 01:10:11,749 I guess you won't do everything 996 01:10:11,749 --> 01:10:12,917 to take it all back, will you, Gary? 997 01:10:12,917 --> 01:10:13,751 -No, no, no. 998 01:10:13,751 --> 01:10:15,962 Wait, wait, hold on. 999 01:10:15,962 --> 01:10:17,505 You're saying if I do that, 1000 01:10:17,505 --> 01:10:19,799 you'll let me help the team? 1001 01:10:21,092 --> 01:10:23,970 -I'll give you all the time I can. 1002 01:10:26,806 --> 01:10:29,600 Okay, let's do it. 1003 01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,476 Here we go. 1004 01:10:31,561 --> 01:10:32,562 And go. 1005 01:11:02,467 --> 01:11:03,926 You are dedicated. 1006 01:11:04,969 --> 01:11:06,721 Now, let's go get cleaned up. 1007 01:11:06,721 --> 01:11:09,098 If you're going to storm Kim Jong Il's palace single-handed, 1008 01:11:09,098 --> 01:11:09,932 we have to make you 1009 01:11:09,932 --> 01:11:13,269 a complete soldier in very little time. 1010 01:11:13,269 --> 01:11:15,188 -How we gonna do that? 1011 01:11:15,188 --> 01:11:18,691 -I think I know just what we need. 1012 01:12:36,811 --> 01:12:38,938 -Radies and gentlemen. 1013 01:12:38,938 --> 01:12:41,232 The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong Il 1014 01:12:41,232 --> 01:12:42,817 are preased to welcome you 1015 01:12:42,817 --> 01:12:46,279 to the International World Peace Ceremony. 1016 01:12:49,115 --> 01:12:51,242 The most important people from every country 1017 01:12:51,242 --> 01:12:54,036 are gathered here in soridarity 1018 01:12:54,036 --> 01:12:56,205 to cerebrate peace. 1019 01:12:56,205 --> 01:12:58,749 There will be music, dancing and, of course, 1020 01:12:58,749 --> 01:13:01,752 the biggest stars in Horrywood. 1021 01:13:01,752 --> 01:13:04,088 In the box to your reft is the mastermind 1022 01:13:04,088 --> 01:13:06,007 of this spectacurar show, 1023 01:13:06,007 --> 01:13:08,467 the multitarented Kim Jong Il. 1024 01:13:10,678 --> 01:13:11,470 Oh, herro. 1025 01:13:13,639 --> 01:13:15,349 And now we present to you 1026 01:13:15,349 --> 01:13:17,977 the very best in North Korean music. 1027 01:13:37,330 --> 01:13:38,581 -10 years of pranning, 1028 01:13:38,581 --> 01:13:40,583 and finarry the night is here. 1029 01:13:40,583 --> 01:13:42,293 The terrorists know to be in position 1030 01:13:42,293 --> 01:13:45,171 by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage. 1031 01:13:45,171 --> 01:13:47,089 That's when I trigger all the WMDs 1032 01:13:47,089 --> 01:13:49,300 to go off at the same time. 1033 01:13:49,300 --> 01:13:51,344 When you see Arec Barrwin, 1034 01:13:51,344 --> 01:13:55,890 you will see the true ugriness of human nature. 1035 01:13:55,890 --> 01:13:57,266 -Your plan will never work. 1036 01:13:57,266 --> 01:13:59,143 Something will stop it. 1037 01:14:00,144 --> 01:14:03,064 -You stupid, naive Team Americans. 1038 01:14:03,064 --> 01:14:05,066 You berieve in true rove and happy endings 1039 01:14:05,066 --> 01:14:08,611 even while the world around you spirals downward. 1040 01:14:08,611 --> 01:14:11,656 -Sometimes believing is all we have. 1041 01:14:14,533 --> 01:14:17,536 -And as the leaders of your countries, 1042 01:14:17,536 --> 01:14:18,537 you have the power 1043 01:14:18,537 --> 01:14:20,247 to bring the world together under 1044 01:14:20,247 --> 01:14:24,043 the principles of the Film Actors Guild. 1045 01:14:24,043 --> 01:14:27,046 -You're gonna knock them dead, Alec. 1046 01:14:27,046 --> 01:14:30,091 -10 minutes, Mr. Baldwin. 1047 01:14:39,892 --> 01:14:41,769 -Who the hell you? 1048 01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:43,312 -I'm with the Film Actors Guild. 1049 01:14:43,312 --> 01:14:44,939 I'm here to help with the broadcast. 1050 01:14:44,939 --> 01:14:46,857 -Then you show credentials. 1051 01:14:46,857 --> 01:14:48,901 -Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. 1052 01:14:48,901 --> 01:14:52,238 I left them at home and I'm running late. 1053 01:14:52,238 --> 01:14:53,364 -I believe him. 1054 01:14:53,364 --> 01:14:54,865 -Yeah, me too. 1055 01:14:54,865 --> 01:14:57,076 -Okay, have a nice day. -Okay. 1056 01:14:57,076 --> 01:15:01,080 -My God, his acting is better than ever. 1057 01:15:15,720 --> 01:15:16,679 -Don't worry, fellas, 1058 01:15:16,679 --> 01:15:18,514 I've got my pass right here. 1059 01:15:27,273 --> 01:15:28,691 -Myeh... 1060 01:15:28,691 --> 01:15:30,568 -Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins, 1061 01:15:30,568 --> 01:15:32,987 you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing. 1062 01:15:32,987 --> 01:15:34,113 -Shut up. 1063 01:15:34,113 --> 01:15:36,782 We have explicit instructions to watch you. 1064 01:15:36,782 --> 01:15:38,909 -Yeah, we're supposed to be guards. 1065 01:15:38,909 --> 01:15:40,036 -We're guards. 1066 01:15:40,036 --> 01:15:40,953 -We're guards, huh? 1067 01:15:40,953 --> 01:15:42,121 We're guards. 1068 01:15:42,121 --> 01:15:43,664 -We're guards. 1069 01:15:43,664 --> 01:15:45,041 -Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. 1070 01:15:45,041 --> 01:15:47,168 Someone has broken into the main hall. 1071 01:15:47,168 --> 01:15:48,002 -What? 1072 01:15:48,002 --> 01:15:48,836 Come on, Martin! 1073 01:16:00,222 --> 01:16:01,432 -Gary? 1074 01:16:01,432 --> 01:16:02,975 -What the fuck are you doing here? 1075 01:16:02,975 --> 01:16:04,226 -Guys, are you all right? 1076 01:16:04,226 --> 01:16:05,811 Where's Lisa? 1077 01:16:05,811 --> 01:16:06,812 -What the heck do you care? 1078 01:16:06,812 --> 01:16:08,189 You walked out on her. 1079 01:16:08,189 --> 01:16:09,899 -Look, I wanna make things right. 1080 01:16:09,899 --> 01:16:11,859 Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base. 1081 01:16:11,859 --> 01:16:13,736 -Spottswoode is dead, Gary. 1082 01:16:13,736 --> 01:16:14,862 -Not as dead as you think. 1083 01:16:14,862 --> 01:16:15,988 -Spottswoode! 1084 01:16:15,988 --> 01:16:18,032 -Yes, I'm here, Joe. 1085 01:16:18,032 --> 01:16:20,451 -All right, you're alive! 1086 01:16:20,451 --> 01:16:22,161 -Great to hear your voices again. 1087 01:16:22,161 --> 01:16:24,663 Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong II. 1088 01:16:24,663 --> 01:16:26,916 -I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor. 1089 01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:27,750 -Yeah, what makes you think 1090 01:16:27,750 --> 01:16:29,251 we'll take you back, you douchebag? 1091 01:16:29,251 --> 01:16:30,878 -We're doing this without you! 1092 01:16:30,878 --> 01:16:32,088 -Now, hold on, team. 1093 01:16:32,088 --> 01:16:33,547 Gary has already proven to me 1094 01:16:33,547 --> 01:16:35,841 that he is 100 percent committed to the team. 1095 01:16:35,841 --> 01:16:39,386 He proved it last night by sucking my cock. 1096 01:16:43,516 --> 01:16:44,350 -All right. 1097 01:16:44,350 --> 01:16:46,977 Come on, team, we gotta find that stage. 1098 01:16:46,977 --> 01:16:48,312 -Rook how much they rove my show. 1099 01:16:48,312 --> 01:16:51,398 The entire audience is so captivated. 1100 01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:02,868 And now you see, the new world is inevitabre. 1101 01:17:02,868 --> 01:17:04,370 -It's what? 1102 01:17:04,370 --> 01:17:06,539 -Inevita, inevitabre. 1103 01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:07,414 -One more time. 1104 01:17:07,414 --> 01:17:08,582 -Inevitabre! 1105 01:17:08,582 --> 01:17:11,377 Things are inevitabry going to change. 1106 01:17:11,377 --> 01:17:14,255 Goddamn it, open your fucking ears. 1107 01:17:16,048 --> 01:17:17,550 -Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin. 1108 01:17:17,550 --> 01:17:18,717 -Thank you. 1109 01:17:18,717 --> 01:17:20,636 -Alec, we have a problem. 1110 01:17:20,636 --> 01:17:22,805 -Team America escaped. 1111 01:17:22,805 --> 01:17:24,140 -What? 1112 01:17:24,140 --> 01:17:26,308 You fools, they'll ruin everything. 1113 01:17:26,308 --> 01:17:27,143 -We better warn everyone. 1114 01:17:27,143 --> 01:17:29,061 They'll be headed here. 1115 01:17:29,061 --> 01:17:32,064 -No, we can't look weak and powerless. 1116 01:17:32,064 --> 01:17:34,066 If violence is all those bastards understand, 1117 01:17:34,066 --> 01:17:35,651 then violence they'll get. 1118 01:17:35,651 --> 01:17:37,778 Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America 1119 01:17:37,778 --> 01:17:41,031 from reaching this ceremony at all costs. 1120 01:17:41,031 --> 01:17:43,075 -Qapla! 1121 01:17:43,075 --> 01:17:44,201 -Qapla! 1122 01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:48,497 -I swear they won't reach this stage. 1123 01:18:05,848 --> 01:18:07,892 -Jesus, what have we got? 1124 01:18:07,892 --> 01:18:12,813 Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards. 1125 01:18:12,813 --> 01:18:14,690 -Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo. 1126 01:18:20,988 --> 01:18:22,698 -Drop your weapons. 1127 01:18:22,698 --> 01:18:23,824 -Fucking die! 1128 01:18:26,452 --> 01:18:27,661 -We gotta split up. 1129 01:18:27,661 --> 01:18:29,079 Sarah, you and Gary go that way. 1130 01:18:29,079 --> 01:18:30,372 Chris and I will go right. 1131 01:18:30,372 --> 01:18:34,251 -No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe. 1132 01:18:35,669 --> 01:18:38,464 -I guess you're with me, cockfag. 1133 01:18:40,174 --> 01:18:41,008 -Danny Glover! 1134 01:18:41,008 --> 01:18:41,842 -Come on, Penn. 1135 01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:42,968 We must protect the show. 1136 01:18:42,968 --> 01:18:43,761 -Right. 1137 01:18:45,179 --> 01:18:46,472 -The stage must be that way. 1138 01:18:46,472 --> 01:18:48,015 -No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap! 1139 01:18:54,063 --> 01:18:56,273 -Very impressive, warmongers. 1140 01:18:56,273 --> 01:18:59,860 Now let's see how Kim Jong II's panthers treat you. 1141 01:19:03,530 --> 01:19:05,783 I went to Iraq, you know! 1142 01:19:11,830 --> 01:19:13,290 -Susan Sarandon. 1143 01:19:13,290 --> 01:19:14,458 -Oh, thank God. 1144 01:19:14,458 --> 01:19:15,668 We have to stop the ceremony. 1145 01:19:15,668 --> 01:19:17,211 Kim Jong Il is mad. 1146 01:19:17,211 --> 01:19:18,087 Here, let me loose. 1147 01:19:18,087 --> 01:19:19,546 I'll show you where the theater is. 1148 01:19:19,546 --> 01:19:20,798 -All right. 1149 01:19:20,798 --> 01:19:22,258 -No, Chris, stay away from her. 1150 01:19:22,258 --> 01:19:23,926 -Fuck you. She wants to help us. 1151 01:19:23,926 --> 01:19:25,886 -No, Chris, she's acting. 1152 01:19:27,763 --> 01:19:28,764 -I am not. 1153 01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:30,140 The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along 1154 01:19:30,140 --> 01:19:31,850 with their plans. 1155 01:19:31,850 --> 01:19:36,063 -Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon. 1156 01:19:36,063 --> 01:19:39,233 -You shall die a peasant's death! 1157 01:19:47,825 --> 01:19:49,493 -Jesus titty-fucking Christ. 1158 01:19:49,493 --> 01:19:52,246 I could've sworn she was telling the truth. 1159 01:19:52,246 --> 01:19:53,831 -That's why they call it acting. 1160 01:19:53,831 --> 01:19:56,542 Come on, we gotta find Lisa. 1161 01:19:56,542 --> 01:19:58,711 -I was 19 years old when the musical "Cats" 1162 01:19:58,711 --> 01:20:00,504 came to our town. 1163 01:20:00,504 --> 01:20:02,631 I couldn't wait to see it. 1164 01:20:03,716 --> 01:20:05,634 After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet 1165 01:20:05,634 --> 01:20:08,429 some of the performers backstage. 1166 01:20:08,429 --> 01:20:10,222 Man, I was thrilled. 1167 01:20:10,222 --> 01:20:12,057 But when I got back there, 1168 01:20:12,057 --> 01:20:15,019 they were drunk and out of control. 1169 01:20:15,019 --> 01:20:18,397 Rumpus cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. 1170 01:20:18,397 --> 01:20:20,190 I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer 1171 01:20:20,190 --> 01:20:21,734 held me down and... 1172 01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:26,280 I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees. 1173 01:20:30,492 --> 01:20:33,454 -That's why you don't trust actors. 1174 01:20:36,749 --> 01:20:39,084 -I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. 1175 01:20:39,084 --> 01:20:40,127 If there's still a world left 1176 01:20:40,127 --> 01:20:44,256 when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer. 1177 01:20:46,592 --> 01:20:47,426 -Come on, let's go. 1178 01:20:47,426 --> 01:20:49,887 We're running out of time. 1179 01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:54,433 -Sarah, before we die, 1180 01:20:54,433 --> 01:20:57,728 I want to finally tell you that I love you. 1181 01:20:57,728 --> 01:20:59,313 -No. 1182 01:20:59,313 --> 01:21:02,524 No, I'm not gonna let it end like this. 1183 01:21:02,524 --> 01:21:04,443 We are not your enemy, furry ones. 1184 01:21:04,443 --> 01:21:06,487 You will not attack us. 1185 01:21:06,487 --> 01:21:08,238 -Sarah, that isn't going to work. 1186 01:21:08,238 --> 01:21:10,574 You don't really have mental powers. 1187 01:21:10,574 --> 01:21:12,242 -Your captors are behind you, Shebas. 1188 01:21:12,242 --> 01:21:14,328 Show your anger to them. 1189 01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:28,592 -Oh no! 1190 01:21:29,635 --> 01:21:30,427 -No! 1191 01:21:35,432 --> 01:21:37,434 -Sarah, you did it! 1192 01:21:40,687 --> 01:21:43,649 -Wait. Hold on. 1193 01:21:43,649 --> 01:21:44,483 Spottswoode, I think we just found 1194 01:21:44,483 --> 01:21:45,818 the entrance to the theater. 1195 01:21:45,818 --> 01:21:46,693 Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our-- 1196 01:21:48,862 --> 01:21:50,322 -Gary! 1197 01:21:51,615 --> 01:21:52,991 -Actors, ho! 1198 01:21:52,991 --> 01:21:54,326 -Helen Hunt. 1199 01:21:54,326 --> 01:21:56,537 -Samuel Jackson. 1200 01:21:56,537 --> 01:21:57,579 -Matt Damon. 1201 01:21:59,998 --> 01:22:02,584 -Motherfucker. 1202 01:22:02,584 --> 01:22:07,131 -Gary, Chris, come in. 1203 01:22:07,131 --> 01:22:11,677 -And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr. Arec Barrwin. 1204 01:22:24,022 --> 01:22:27,151 -We are here to usher in a new era without violence. 1205 01:22:27,151 --> 01:22:29,695 By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild, 1206 01:22:29,695 --> 01:22:31,989 the world can become a better place 1207 01:22:31,989 --> 01:22:33,365 that handles dangerous people 1208 01:22:33,365 --> 01:22:36,118 with talk and reasoning. 1209 01:22:36,118 --> 01:22:37,995 That is the F.A.G. way. 1210 01:22:39,955 --> 01:22:42,082 One day you'll all look at the world 1211 01:22:42,082 --> 01:22:44,376 us actors created and say, 1212 01:22:44,376 --> 01:22:46,336 "Wow, good going, F.A.G. 1213 01:22:48,213 --> 01:22:49,298 "You really made the world 1214 01:22:49,298 --> 01:22:52,342 "a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?" 1215 01:22:52,342 --> 01:22:54,386 -Yes, Arec Barrwin. 1216 01:22:54,386 --> 01:22:57,264 Too bad there won't be a world reft. 1217 01:22:57,264 --> 01:22:59,099 -Oh, God, no. 1218 01:22:59,099 --> 01:23:00,476 -You see? 1219 01:23:00,476 --> 01:23:02,561 No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion 1220 01:23:02,561 --> 01:23:04,438 to save the day. 1221 01:23:04,438 --> 01:23:06,982 This is the real world. 1222 01:23:06,982 --> 01:23:09,443 I'm afraid your world is over. 1223 01:23:10,652 --> 01:23:13,822 In five minutes. 1224 01:23:15,449 --> 01:23:17,326 Yes, the ticking crock. 1225 01:23:20,496 --> 01:23:22,414 -Sorry, Team America, but you see, 1226 01:23:22,414 --> 01:23:25,334 we must live in a time of peace. 1227 01:23:25,334 --> 01:23:26,960 -Put down the gas can now! 1228 01:23:28,003 --> 01:23:28,962 -Kill them! 1229 01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:34,801 -Jackson! 1230 01:23:37,179 --> 01:23:40,057 -Team, you've got to hurry. 1231 01:23:45,187 --> 01:23:46,605 -Let's go, bitch. 1232 01:23:46,605 --> 01:23:48,565 I've done action films. 1233 01:23:48,565 --> 01:23:49,525 Come on. 1234 01:24:11,880 --> 01:24:13,298 -Matt Damon! 1235 01:24:24,351 --> 01:24:26,311 -Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me. 1236 01:24:34,027 --> 01:24:36,363 -Don't fucking move! 1237 01:24:36,363 --> 01:24:38,407 Now, isn't that a shame? 1238 01:24:38,407 --> 01:24:40,075 You came so close to stopping peace. 1239 01:24:40,075 --> 01:24:43,870 But you see, peace always finds a way. 1240 01:24:43,870 --> 01:24:46,248 Goodbye, Team America. 1241 01:24:46,248 --> 01:24:49,084 -I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins. 1242 01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:50,210 -What's that? 1243 01:24:51,211 --> 01:24:52,421 -I'm a smoker. 1244 01:25:11,523 --> 01:25:13,650 -Now that the world is going to be run peacefully, 1245 01:25:13,650 --> 01:25:15,444 we should all drive hybrid cars. 1246 01:25:15,444 --> 01:25:17,863 -Right now famiries are gathering in parks, 1247 01:25:17,863 --> 01:25:19,698 children are walking to school, 1248 01:25:19,698 --> 01:25:21,658 friends are sitting in movie theatres. 1249 01:25:21,658 --> 01:25:23,452 All compretery unaware that the world 1250 01:25:23,452 --> 01:25:26,413 is about to change forever. 1251 01:25:26,413 --> 01:25:27,914 All because of me. 1252 01:25:30,959 --> 01:25:34,338 -Stop that man! 1253 01:25:34,338 --> 01:25:35,964 -Gary! 1254 01:25:35,964 --> 01:25:37,507 -Team America? 1255 01:25:37,507 --> 01:25:38,967 -Goddamn it. 1256 01:25:38,967 --> 01:25:41,261 -Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong II 1257 01:25:41,261 --> 01:25:42,471 is an international criminal. 1258 01:25:42,471 --> 01:25:43,722 We're here to arrest him. 1259 01:25:43,722 --> 01:25:45,515 -Oh, no, you're not. 1260 01:25:45,515 --> 01:25:47,893 This is a peace conference. 1261 01:25:47,893 --> 01:25:50,562 And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il, 1262 01:25:50,562 --> 01:25:53,982 this audience and I will rise up against you. 1263 01:25:57,069 --> 01:25:58,362 -Fuck off, Team America! 1264 01:25:58,362 --> 01:25:59,696 -Team, there's no time. 1265 01:25:59,696 --> 01:26:01,073 You have to convince that audience 1266 01:26:01,073 --> 01:26:02,407 to let you do your job. 1267 01:26:04,785 --> 01:26:07,162 -Gary, you've got to take the stage. 1268 01:26:07,162 --> 01:26:09,414 -No, I can't upstage Alec Baldwin. 1269 01:26:09,414 --> 01:26:11,249 He's the best actor in the world. 1270 01:26:11,249 --> 01:26:12,668 -You have to try. 1271 01:26:12,668 --> 01:26:14,294 -I'm not that good. 1272 01:26:14,294 --> 01:26:16,922 -Actually, you're the finest actor 1273 01:26:16,922 --> 01:26:18,048 I've ever met. 1274 01:26:27,182 --> 01:26:28,141 -Come on, Gary, hurry. 1275 01:26:28,141 --> 01:26:30,143 You've got to act fast. 1276 01:26:32,854 --> 01:26:35,440 -Uh, I know you all don't like Team America 1277 01:26:35,440 --> 01:26:36,650 a whole lot right now, 1278 01:26:36,650 --> 01:26:39,611 but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse. 1279 01:26:43,323 --> 01:26:44,658 -You can't outact me, boy. 1280 01:26:44,658 --> 01:26:46,535 Don't even try. 1281 01:26:46,535 --> 01:26:48,578 -For the truth is that Team America 1282 01:26:48,578 --> 01:26:51,498 fights for the billion-dollar corporations. 1283 01:26:51,498 --> 01:26:55,377 They are just as bad as the enemies they fight. 1284 01:26:59,965 --> 01:27:01,550 -Oh, no, we aren't. 1285 01:27:01,550 --> 01:27:02,509 We're dicks! 1286 01:27:07,597 --> 01:27:10,809 We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. 1287 01:27:12,519 --> 01:27:15,605 And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. 1288 01:27:18,191 --> 01:27:20,652 And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. 1289 01:27:24,030 --> 01:27:26,074 Pussies don't like dicks, 1290 01:27:26,074 --> 01:27:28,910 because pussies get fucked by dicks. 1291 01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:31,288 But dicks also fuck assholes, 1292 01:27:32,998 --> 01:27:36,626 assholes who just wanna shit on everything. 1293 01:27:36,626 --> 01:27:40,130 Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. 1294 01:27:40,130 --> 01:27:42,632 But the only thing that can fuck an asshole 1295 01:27:42,632 --> 01:27:45,051 is a dick with some balls. 1296 01:27:48,930 --> 01:27:52,893 The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much. 1297 01:27:52,893 --> 01:27:55,061 Or fuck when it isn't appropriate. 1298 01:27:55,061 --> 01:27:56,396 -Yes, Gary, yes. 1299 01:27:57,773 --> 01:28:00,859 -And it takes a pussy to show them that. 1300 01:28:00,859 --> 01:28:03,111 But sometimes pussies get so full of shit 1301 01:28:03,111 --> 01:28:06,198 that they become assholes themselves. 1302 01:28:06,198 --> 01:28:07,449 Because pussies are only 1303 01:28:07,449 --> 01:28:10,577 an inch and a half away from assholes. 1304 01:28:11,745 --> 01:28:15,499 I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world. 1305 01:28:15,499 --> 01:28:20,212 but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, 1306 01:28:21,421 --> 01:28:25,008 we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies 1307 01:28:25,008 --> 01:28:26,635 all covered in shit. 1308 01:28:44,027 --> 01:28:46,071 -Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong II. 1309 01:28:48,824 --> 01:28:51,159 -Do something, Arec Barrwin! 1310 01:28:51,159 --> 01:28:53,328 -The, the Global warming and, and Corporate America... 1311 01:28:57,290 --> 01:28:59,876 -You are worthress, Arec Barrwin. 1312 01:29:09,636 --> 01:29:11,471 Don't fucking move! 1313 01:29:11,471 --> 01:29:13,849 You were all going to be treated to a faburous show. 1314 01:29:13,849 --> 01:29:15,183 But now party's over. 1315 01:29:15,183 --> 01:29:16,268 For I am the great Kim Jong II-- 1316 01:29:16,268 --> 01:29:17,769 -Lisa. 1317 01:29:17,769 --> 01:29:21,606 -And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived. 1318 01:29:21,606 --> 01:29:22,816 Terrorize this. 1319 01:29:38,790 --> 01:29:40,292 -Lisa, are you okay? 1320 01:29:40,292 --> 01:29:41,376 -No, Gary, the countdown. 1321 01:29:41,376 --> 01:29:42,836 You have to stop it. 1322 01:29:42,836 --> 01:29:44,045 -What do I do? 1323 01:29:44,045 --> 01:29:46,506 -Hit the big "cancel" button! 1324 01:29:53,013 --> 01:29:54,848 Gary, how did you manage this? 1325 01:29:54,848 --> 01:29:55,765 -Spottswoode helped me. 1326 01:29:55,765 --> 01:29:56,683 -Spottswoode? 1327 01:29:56,683 --> 01:29:57,684 He's alive? 1328 01:29:57,684 --> 01:30:00,478 -Lisa, I'm crazy about you. 1329 01:30:00,478 --> 01:30:01,313 Will you please forgive me if I-- 1330 01:30:01,313 --> 01:30:02,272 -Shhh. 1331 01:30:02,272 --> 01:30:05,108 You had me at "dicks fuck assholes. " 1332 01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:08,653 -Attention, attention, everyone. 1333 01:30:08,653 --> 01:30:11,239 All you in the audience should go to your homes now. 1334 01:30:11,239 --> 01:30:12,824 Your countries need you. 1335 01:30:12,824 --> 01:30:14,451 But the world will be safe, 1336 01:30:14,451 --> 01:30:17,203 thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston. 1337 01:30:37,557 --> 01:30:40,518 Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. 1338 01:30:40,518 --> 01:30:42,103 He's a man who knows 1339 01:30:42,103 --> 01:30:43,688 that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, 1340 01:30:43,688 --> 01:30:45,607 you make a pact. 1341 01:30:45,607 --> 01:30:47,859 A bond that cannot be broken. 1342 01:30:47,859 --> 01:30:50,403 He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees 1343 01:30:50,403 --> 01:30:52,572 and put that cock right in his mouth. 1344 01:30:54,991 --> 01:30:57,535 -Wait a minute. Look! 1345 01:31:02,540 --> 01:31:05,752 -You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong II. 1346 01:31:05,752 --> 01:31:06,878 I will return! 1347 01:31:08,838 --> 01:31:09,965 You shall see. 1348 01:31:09,965 --> 01:31:11,174 I will be back! 1349 01:31:18,848 --> 01:31:20,475 So rong, earthrings! 1350 01:31:23,269 --> 01:31:26,439 -We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong II. 1351 01:31:26,439 --> 01:31:27,649 -All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party, 1352 01:31:27,649 --> 01:31:30,068 but there's still a lot of bad guys out there. 1353 01:31:30,068 --> 01:31:32,487 -Well, then let's go show the bad guys 1354 01:31:32,487 --> 01:31:35,281 the police are back in force. 1355 01:31:35,281 --> 01:31:36,950 -Fuck, yeah. 1356 01:31:36,950 --> 01:31:37,993 -Fuck, yeah.