1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:04,442 NARRATOR: Kids, the spring of 2008 was a pretty great time for me. 2 00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:06,172 Stella and I had started dating, 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,007 and I'd just gotten a big raise at work, 4 00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:09,512 so I decided to purchase something I knew 5 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,083 would be the envy of all my friends. 6 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,882 A new car! 7 00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:16,023 Ted, this is New York City-- you're never gonna drive it. 8 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,750 This is a really, really stupid purchase, 9 00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:21,615 and I'm sorry, but none of us can support it. 10 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:22,855 Shotgun for eternity! 11 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,090 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 12 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,325 I just called it. 13 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,299 You can't just call things, Barney. 14 00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:28,458 I call that I can call things! 15 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:29,556 Nah-uh. Yeah-huh. Hey, baby. 16 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,767 Beer. 17 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,070 Are you okay? 18 00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:37,312 Beer. 19 00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:42,141 (whimper) 20 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,283 Okay, what happened? 21 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:47,082 They always told me that working at a big law firm 22 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,575 was like being at war. 23 00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,076 MARSHALL: You get out of law school, 24 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:51,388 it's like getting out of boot camp. 25 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,849 That first day at work, you're storming the beaches, 26 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,617 full of piss and vinegar... 27 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,126 Dude, we're lawyers now. 28 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,328 Totally. 29 00:00:58,359 --> 00:00:59,859 We've got briefcases and everything. 30 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,333 Freakin' briefcases. 31 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,862 You have anything in yours? 32 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,166 Totally empty. You? 33 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,498 Candy bars. 34 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,143 Oh! 35 00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:12,139 Then you get in the trenches side by side with your buddies 36 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,973 and you feel a sense of camaraderie. 37 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,577 But before too long... 38 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:16,709 Hey, Marshall. 39 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:17,714 ...the shells start to fall. 40 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:18,805 Hello, Arthur. 41 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,720 Arthur Hobbes is one of the senior partners 42 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,289 at my firm, and he's... he's my boss. 43 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:26,316 He seems like a nice guy, 44 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:27,564 but he's got a nickname... 45 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,222 Artillery Arthur. 46 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,928 How's your morning going? 47 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,789 It's going fine-- how is yours? 48 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,227 Not too bad, not too bad. 49 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,403 Hey, is Ferguson in yet? 50 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,401 He is, he's in... just in his office next door. 51 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,673 That's great-- have a good one, buddy. 52 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:42,842 You, too. 53 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,738 You never know who's gonna get hit... 54 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,184 ARTHUR: Hey, Ferguson! 55 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,579 I read your report, and it's complete crap! 56 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,651 No, you know what? That's an insult to crap. 57 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,180 If crap could eat and then crap stuff out, it's that! 58 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:59,687 Your report is the crap that crap craps! 59 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,420 If you last two more days here, I'll be shocked! 60 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,616 Shocked! 61 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,687 (door slams) 62 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:07,296 It was brutal, 63 00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:09,328 but the worst was a few minutes later. 64 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:12,472 Did you hear that? 65 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:16,241 Yeah, sorry. 66 00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,670 Can you believe he did that 67 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:20,335 on Take Your Daughter to Work Day? 68 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,654 So that brings us to today. 69 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,079 Oh, no. 70 00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,184 A little background. 71 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,416 So I'm working on this report 72 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:33,220 called "Using 23-b-3 Spurious Class Action Precedent 73 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,224 "to Contest a Class Certification Order 74 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:37,726 Based On A Lack of Commonality, Numerosity..." 75 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:38,728 Dude, you lost us. 76 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,089 Can't you just call it something cool 77 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,297 like "the Ninja Report"? 78 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:44,199 Okay. Yeah, fine, whatever. 79 00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,372 Um, so I'm supposed 80 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,729 to turn in "the Ninja Report" yesterday. 81 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,467 Awesome. Ooh... Oh, wow. Cool. 82 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,072 But I got insanely busy with other stuff, 83 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,114 I didn't get a chance to finish it, 84 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,910 and then this morning... 85 00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,412 ARTHUR: Hey, Ferguson. FERGUSON: Hey, Arthur. 86 00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:57,754 How's your day going? 87 00:02:57,778 --> 00:02:59,848 I gotta go. Great. How is yours? 88 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,720 Great, great-- hey, is Marshall in yet? 89 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,319 Oh, thank God. 90 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,651 Yeah, he's right in there. 91 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,386 Fantastic. Have a good one, buddy. 92 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,388 And then... 93 00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,026 He screamed at me. 94 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,101 Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. 95 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:17,499 What, that's it? 96 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:21,101 You're upset because a guy talked loudly near you? 97 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:22,444 Barney, I have never been screamed at 98 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:23,900 like that in my life. 99 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,367 Come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work? 100 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,237 I got screamed at three times today. 101 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,636 Once in Korean. 102 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,712 This is corporate America, Marshall. 103 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,616 Screaming is a motivational tool, 104 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,018 like Christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. 105 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,120 It's just good business. 106 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:42,292 Oh, baby, it's just not fair. 107 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,293 You've been working so hard. 108 00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,725 Late nights, weekends. 109 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,831 I never see you. 110 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,996 We've barely made love in weeks. 111 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,865 (Lily moaning) 112 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,312 It's bad, guys; Mama needs her sugar. 113 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:04,652 Look, Marshall, he screamed at you, you took it. 114 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,278 He probably respects you more for it. 115 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,484 Yeah, about that... 116 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:13,447 So Arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment... 117 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,692 Face turning red, 118 00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:19,364 vein in his forehead about to burst, 119 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:22,963 spittle flying like shrapnel. 120 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,466 Everyone you work with walking by your office, 121 00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:27,028 peering in. 122 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,768 And suddenly, I just felt all of it. 123 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:34,907 All of what? 124 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,042 All of it. 125 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,876 The fact that I became a lawyer to save the environment, 126 00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,012 and now I'm working for the bad guys instead. 127 00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:43,819 The fact that I am stuck in this job 128 00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,521 because of a mortgage I can barely afford 129 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,393 on an apartment that is crooked. 130 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,661 The fact that 131 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,629 I am a grown man, and nobody, not even Artillery Arthur, 132 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,589 has the right to talk to me like that! 133 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,697 Uh-oh. 134 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,368 I begged my body not to do it. 135 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,572 But it was no use. 136 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:06,536 (Marshall crying) 137 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:09,784 I just... I just... 138 00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,923 Just because you weren't around for this, 139 00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,421 I called shotgun for all eternity in Ted's car. 140 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,570 Dude, I can't believe you cried in front of your boss. 141 00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:41,938 I don't know what happened. 142 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,905 There's just something about being yelled at like that, 143 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,754 like I was being scolded by my dad. 144 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,420 Suddenly... suddenly I was a little boy. 145 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:52,050 Is "boy" the right word? 146 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,785 I felt absolutely powerless. 147 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,062 Flaccid-- hell, I... I felt castrated. 148 00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,591 God, you're hot right now. 149 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:02,927 And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning I have to walk 150 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:05,373 into Arthur's office and give him the Ninja Report. 151 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,539 Ooh. Ooh. Ninjas are cool. 152 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,938 How the hell am I supposed to face this guy again? 153 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,710 Here's what I would do if I were you. 154 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,407 Hi, Arthur. 155 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,783 Hello, Marshall. 156 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,880 Have you finally finished the Ninja Report? 157 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,812 Yeah, I got it. 158 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:22,645 Right here. 159 00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,388 I think it's gonna blow you away. 160 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:30,391 Please, I have a family. 161 00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,294 So we good? 162 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:33,785 We're so good. 163 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:36,127 Then why are you still in my office? 164 00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,635 Okay, gun violence might be the answer to everything 165 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,672 up in Canada, Robin, 166 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,837 but here in America, we solve our problems with words. 167 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,747 Marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy 168 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,550 with a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. 169 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,153 Like Abraham Lincoln. 170 00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:00,694 Yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, 171 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,791 eloquent speech off the top of your head. 172 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,933 (clears throat) Observe. 173 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,258 Arthur? 174 00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:07,263 What do you want, Marshall? 175 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,834 Justice, sir. 176 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,973 You see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, 177 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:14,069 the most fundamentally paramount of which 178 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,501 is the right... 179 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,607 Wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. 180 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,309 One means highest, one means lowest. 181 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,410 You are nailing this. 182 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,342 Human beings have rights, 183 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,447 and those rights are, um... 184 00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,581 You got me hooked, reel me in. 185 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,417 There are certain justices 186 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,351 that cannot or will not 187 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:36,616 be inalienable... as such... 188 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,257 for the future. 189 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,391 Stuck the landing-- bravo! 190 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,387 Thank you. 191 00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,558 (laughs) 192 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,197 Security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. 193 00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:49,398 (Lily, Robin and Barney laugh) 194 00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:52,236 Guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? 195 00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,812 I can't have some big confrontation with Arthur. 196 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,412 I need this job, I... I need the money. 197 00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,584 Yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, 198 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,753 tell him off and then quit? 199 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,251 It's great to fantasize about, 200 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,252 but nobody ever actually does it. 201 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,824 Gary Blauman did it. 202 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,993 Guy I used to work with, the guy's a legend now. 203 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,632 We were at the morning meeting, and old Blauman 204 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,789 was getting reamed out but good. 205 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,927 BARNEY: Pretty much routine 206 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,602 at the morning meeting, but then, 207 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:19,730 on this particular day, something amazing happened. 208 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,127 You made yourself look bad, 209 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,298 you made this company look bad, and quite frankly, 210 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:26,936 you made our friends, the North Koreans, look bad! 211 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,544 And I'll tell you something else, 212 00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,336 Blauman, if you think for one moment... 213 00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:32,007 You know what, Bilson? 214 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,575 You can kiss my ass. 215 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,824 Oh, snap. 216 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,719 What? You heard me. 217 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,151 I don't need to take your crap anymore. 218 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,587 My cousin's Web site went public today, 219 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,063 and I made a pile of money 220 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,331 on the IPO, so you know what I think 221 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,729 of this whole damn company? 222 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:51,897 (zip) 223 00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:53,002 Oh, my God. 224 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,903 He peed on the conference table? 225 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,374 Come on, come on, come on, 226 00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,865 come on, come on, come on, come on. 227 00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,638 Uh, look, could you guys just look away for a second 228 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:04,877 till I get started? 229 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,846 Come on. 230 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,621 Come on. 231 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,490 Does this help? 232 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,719 Eventually, he just gave up and left. 233 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,915 And then his cousin's Web site tanked. 234 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:19,187 And then he became a janitor at an old folks' home 235 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:22,796 and moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley. 236 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,825 That's it? That's the end of the story? 237 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,567 No, no, of course not-- he died. 238 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,373 How does that help me? 239 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,344 How does any of this help me? 240 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,183 Can somebody, for God's sakes, 241 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:38,508 please give me one piece of useful advice? 242 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:40,345 Lily, control your woman. 243 00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:44,579 The lesson of Blauman is that when your boss 244 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:47,088 screams at you, you never scream back. 245 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,060 That's why there's a little thing in corporate America 246 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:52,389 I like to call the chain of screaming. 247 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,025 Chain of screaming? Yes. 248 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:56,531 The chain of screaming starts at the top. 249 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:59,933 BARNEY: Arthur's boss's boss screams at Arthur's boss. 250 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:02,597 Arthur's boss screams at Arthur. 251 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,666 Arthur screams at you. 252 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,135 You go home and scream at Lily. 253 00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:11,544 Lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. 254 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:14,478 Then that kid screams at her dad, 255 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:17,084 Arthur's boss's boss. 256 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,947 And the whole thing starts all over again, 257 00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:23,117 thus completing the circle of screaming. 258 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,756 I thought it was a chain of screaming. 259 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,332 It's a circle, Ted, I called it a circle. 260 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,500 I don't scream at Lily. 261 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,359 And I don't scream at my kids, 262 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:34,228 none of whom have parents who work at Marshall's firm. 263 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:35,967 So it's not a circle. 264 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,243 Fine-- you want it to be a chain of screaming, 265 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,341 it's a chain of screaming. 266 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:41,142 I came up with the circle idea halfway through, 267 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,184 'cause I thought it was a more elegant metaphor, 268 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,680 but fine, ruin it! 269 00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:46,852 You guys always undermine me 270 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,120 when I'm trying to make a point, and I'm sick of it! 271 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,549 God, I'm surrounded by idiots! 272 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,394 Idiots! 273 00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,729 See, doesn't everyone feel better now? 274 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,629 Lily, I need your take on this. 275 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,260 What... what should I do? 276 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,495 Well, what I teach my kids in kindergarten... 277 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,071 Oh, God. 278 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,969 ...is, when dealing with a bully, the most important thing 279 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,343 is to be constructive and positive. 280 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,212 Hello, Arthur. 281 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,141 Hello, Marshall. 282 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,775 I have the Ninja Report right here. 283 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,381 But Arthur, 284 00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:22,552 in the future, if you want someone to do their best work, 285 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:26,052 try to motivate them, not with fear and intimidation, 286 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:30,016 but through encouragement, inspiration and respect. 287 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,431 Well said, Marshall-- I needed to hear that. 288 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:36,832 By the way, 289 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,704 I saw your wife's picture in your office. 290 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:39,772 That is one tasty slice. 291 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,970 Oh, you're damn right. 292 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,701 You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? 293 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,367 Oh, yeah. 294 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,435 I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off... 295 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:48,814 That's it. 296 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,042 ...just throw her on the bed... 297 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,847 That's where she belongs. 298 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:54,379 ...and drive her home like a pack of sled dogs! 299 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,184 Oh, yeah! Yeah! 300 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,916 (both laugh) 301 00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,686 It's bad, guys. 302 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,320 Mama needs it bad. 303 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,531 You're right, baby, it's about respect. 304 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,999 That is the first useful thing anyone's said to me tonight. 305 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,659 Can you give me that speech again? 306 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,727 I'm gonna drive her home like a pack of... 307 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:13,996 No, the other part, please. 308 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,744 I have the Ninja Report right here, but... 309 00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,840 NARRATOR: And it seemed like that was the end of it, 310 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,372 but it wasn't, because the next night... 311 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,607 Which of these carpets would look better 312 00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,112 in the new apartment? 313 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:27,254 I like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. 314 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,450 It would feel great on your bare feet... 315 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:34,222 ...or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat 316 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,794 rolling down 317 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,693 your trembling bosom. 318 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,734 (moans) 319 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,629 Lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles? 320 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,762 (cell phone rings) 321 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,528 Hey. 322 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,766 Shh, don't say my name. 323 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,701 Lily can't know it's me. 324 00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:50,866 Just pretend you're talking to Stella. 325 00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:52,214 Be all lovey dovey. 326 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,839 Hey, Stella. 327 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,107 Sweetie, how's it going? 328 00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,084 (imitates woman's voice): Not good, not good at all. 329 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,653 Where are you right now? 330 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:04,451 Right downstairs, come find me. 331 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,054 Without Lily. 332 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,856 Okay, I'll see you soon. 333 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,819 I love you. 334 00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,558 I love you, too. 335 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:18,168 Wow, you two are already saying the "L" word, huh? 336 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,328 Apparently. 337 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,270 You hittin' that? 338 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:30,776 Uh-oh. 339 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,880 I'm in trouble, Ted. 340 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,854 Ted, I'm freakin' out, man. 341 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:42,286 Um... it's a new car, so just be careful... 342 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,122 I did something stupid-- can we just drive somewhere? 343 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,757 I need to get away-- just drive, man. 344 00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:47,162 Please just drive. 345 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,661 It's just, this is a really good parking spot. 346 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,197 Dude! 347 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,002 Look, just tell me what happened first. 348 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,204 Remember how I said I was gonna give that big speech 349 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,206 that Lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? 350 00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,868 Well, it didn't totally go that way. 351 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,267 There is a lot of ketchup on that burger. 352 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,505 Sorry-- what happened? 353 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,114 After we all finished talking last night, 354 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:08,546 I went to the diner to finish working on the Ninja Report. 355 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,050 Hey, Marshall. 356 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,063 How long have you been sitting there? 357 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,818 If you go in there with Lily's kindergarten nonsense, 358 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,357 you're gonna get torn apart. 359 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,562 I'm here to save your life-- you hungry? 360 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,404 Yeah, I was just about to order. 361 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,700 What do you want? 362 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:25,831 A BLT and gravy fries. 363 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:26,795 Mmm. 364 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,873 Okay, friends, what do you like? 365 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,642 A green tea with lemon for me, 366 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,910 and for my friend here, the meat loaf, please. 367 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,040 Very good. 368 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:36,444 No, I didn't want meat loaf. 369 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,676 Marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. 370 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,352 Arthur screamed at you-- now you have to scream at someone else. 371 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,483 No, I don't. 372 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:47,747 Yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive. 373 00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,887 Who would I even scream at? 374 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,323 I don't know. 375 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,958 How about somebody who's disappointed you? 376 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,555 Someone who's let you down. 377 00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:59,066 Someone who's gonna bring you meat loaf 378 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:03,639 when you explicitly ordered a BLT and gravy fries. 379 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,476 No. 380 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,178 Hey, I was just heading to the bar. 381 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,480 What are you guys doing out here? 382 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:12,751 Oh, I was just telling Ted a story. 383 00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,809 Ooh, I like stories. 384 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,517 You want a lick? 385 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,650 What? Is that ice cream cone big enough? 386 00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,817 Uh, it's delicious enough. 387 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,785 Okay, so... 388 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,164 then I say to Barney... 389 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,933 I'm not gonna scream at the waiter, Barney. 390 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,262 Yes, you are. 391 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:34,868 That waiter is every boss and every bully 392 00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:37,041 who ever embarrassed or belittled you. 393 00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:39,341 And how dare he deny you 394 00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:40,942 the one thing that you want, 395 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,944 that would make you happy at this moment. 396 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,406 A BLT and gravy fries. 397 00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,879 One green tea with lemon, one meat loaf. 398 00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:52,786 Enjoy, my friends. 399 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:53,749 (whispering): Marshall. 400 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,156 Excuse me? 401 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,326 Yes? 402 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,188 This is not what I ordered. 403 00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,327 (chuckles) Yes, it is. 404 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,232 I beg your pardon, sir, 405 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,467 but I ordered a BLT and gravy fries, 406 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,143 and as the customer, I'm always right, so... 407 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,683 No, no, I am not going to stand here and take this! 408 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:20,479 I am at the end of a triple shift-- that's 18 hours!-- 409 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,383 and then I have 410 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,584 to take two trains and a bus to Astoria 411 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:27,016 to have my wife scream at me because I'm never home. 412 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:30,194 No, no, you eat your damn meat loaf! 413 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,832 Hey, what are you guys doing out here? 414 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,561 Oh sweet, can I get a toot? 415 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,166 Uh-uh-- against car rules, it's against car rules! 416 00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,198 Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban. 417 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,103 People pay to have their car smell like this. 418 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:44,865 Well, that's just not true. 419 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,174 Oh, Marshall, switch seats with me. 420 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,366 I called shotgun for all eternity. 421 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:48,577 You can't call shotgun for eternity. 422 00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,108 Well, that's funny, 'cause I did! 423 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,343 It's case by case. 424 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:54,278 Guys, I'm telling a life-altering story here! 425 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,648 A 20% tip, really, for that waiter? 426 00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,454 I don't know, Barney, he worked a triple, it just... 427 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,557 If you're not gonna yell at the waiter, 428 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:03,819 yell at me. 429 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,426 What? Yell at me. 430 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,328 I'm not gonna yell at you, Barney. 431 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,200 What, you think you're gonna upset me? 432 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,329 Please, give me your best shot. 433 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,034 Okay, fine-- what, you want me to yell at you? 434 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,926 Yeah. 435 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:18,037 This is me yelling at you, Barney. 436 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:21,241 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly 437 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,614 landing on a leaf about three blocks away. 438 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,753 This is me yelling at you, Barney! 439 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:29,679 Okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. 440 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,246 Make it hurt. 441 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:34,354 You don't look as good in suits as you think you do! 442 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,057 No, something that's true-- come on. 443 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:37,559 The man made you cry. 444 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,030 Make me cry. 445 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,328 Your mom's a slut! 446 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,990 Yes. 447 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,658 Your mom's a slut, and I'm sorry, Barney, 448 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:47,027 but you and your brother clearly have different fathers, 449 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,436 and you know why? 450 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,638 It's probably because your mom is a slutty slut! 451 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,800 Keep going. 452 00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,338 I don't care what you say. 453 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,013 Bob Barker is not your father! 454 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,341 Okay, now, well, that's just not cool. 455 00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,577 Oh my God, Barney, I'm so sorry... 456 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,181 No, I'm kidding-- keep going. 457 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,753 Bob Barker's not your father! 458 00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:05,221 You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host 459 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,092 is your real father, and he's not! 460 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,320 You were abandoned, Barney! 461 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,256 You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, 462 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:12,661 and so now you never allow yourself 463 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,562 to feel anything, and that's how you survive 464 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,534 in this corporate world, and if I keep heading 465 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:18,833 down this path, I'm gonna turn into you! 466 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,825 And I don't want that! 467 00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,937 I don't want any of this! 468 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:25,169 This is not why I became a lawyer. 469 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,635 This is not the person that I wanted to be. 470 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,144 I quit, Arthur! 471 00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,547 I quit! 472 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:38,994 Well, thank you, Eriksen, I needed to hear that. 473 00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:41,188 Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack you personally, 474 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,461 it's just that I... 475 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,619 No, no, no, the part where you said, "I quit." 476 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:46,727 Now we don't have to pay you a severance package. 477 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,598 Uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out. 478 00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,468 Robin, you dropped a little ice cream... 479 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:01,637 Dude! Dude! Dude! 480 00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:02,544 I'm sorry. 481 00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,475 Don't blame this on me, Marshall. 482 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,411 I told you to yell at someone beneath you. 483 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,346 The circle of screaming is... 484 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,551 The chain of scr... 485 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,023 Pyramid-- the pyramid of screaming! 486 00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,922 The pyramid of screaming. 487 00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:17,224 How am I supposed to tell Lily? 488 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,927 She supported me through three years of law school, 489 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:21,388 and now is the time when I'm supposed to pay her back. 490 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,795 Now we're gonna lose the apartment. 491 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,400 The place where we were gonna raise our children. 492 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,943 How am I supposed to tell the person who I love 493 00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,498 more than anything in this world 494 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,237 that I've just thrown away our future? 495 00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:35,707 (knocks) Hey. 496 00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,512 (everybody screams) 497 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,284 Everybody out, everybody out of the new car! 498 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:40,482 Out of the new car! 499 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,683 Ted, screaming never solves anything. 500 00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:47,115 NARRATOR: And so Marshall finally had to tell Lily what happened. 501 00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,063 I'm so sorry. 502 00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,418 I just lost it. 503 00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,488 But I can fix it. 504 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,696 First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go in there 505 00:19:55,728 --> 00:20:00,898 on my hands and knees and beg for my job back. 506 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,803 No, you're not. 507 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:04,895 What? 508 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:09,237 Marshall, our future isn't money or an apartment. 509 00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,806 And it's definitely not you being miserable 510 00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,284 at that horrible job. 511 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:18,017 I'm just happy to have my husband back. 512 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,690 We'll figure the rest out. 513 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,994 I love you. 514 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,563 I love you, too. 515 00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,957 NARRATOR: Ultimately, they were able to make ends meet 516 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:33,296 without going bust on the apartment. 517 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,973 You sure about this? 518 00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:39,512 Yeah, who needs a car in New York City, right? 519 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,377 Ted, I don't think I can accept... 520 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,310 Marshall, don't make me scream at you. 521 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,347 Thanks a lot, buddy. 522 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,045 You guys did it in the car, didn't... 523 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,516 Oh, yeah. 524 00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:04,299 (groans) 525 00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:05,801 (exhales) 526 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,602 Definitely this one. 527 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,874 Yeah. 528 00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,002 (exhales) (exhales)