1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,839 TED: Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing. 2 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,505 You meet someone, you have a connection, and that person 3 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:10,536 becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,281 You just can't find anything wrong with them. 5 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,417 You can't wait to tell the world about it. 6 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,053 She convinced you to go jogging? 7 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,948 Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants. 8 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,820 I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. 9 00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,059 Lily, she knows all about art. 10 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,134 Marshall, 11 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,832 she's open to the existence of UFOs. 12 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,103 Barney, 13 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,331 she's hot. Robin, 14 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,926 she's not hotter than you. 15 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:33,327 Like her already. How not hotter? 16 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,601 So we all went out to dinner, and I couldn't wait 17 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,269 to see if my friends were as crazy about Cathy as I was. 18 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:40,039 So, what's everyone getting? 19 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,208 Well, I can't decide. 20 00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:44,276 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 21 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:47,415 Lasagna. Just get the lasagna! 22 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:50,121 Oh. You guys just got a new place. 23 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:51,824 How many bedrooms is it? 24 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,115 Two. It's two bedrooms! 25 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,230 Okay! Let's hear it. 26 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,493 What's wrong with Cathy? 27 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,261 Are you kidding me, Ted? She's got a... 28 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,101 You don't notice it? 29 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,166 Notice what? 30 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,704 Oh, he doesn't see it. 31 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,538 If we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him. 32 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:11,474 As his friends, 33 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:13,669 we'll just keep him in the dark. 34 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,241 You're right. 35 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,438 She's great, man. 36 00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:18,911 She's a keeper. Just... 37 00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,049 keep her somewhere else. 38 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,524 (giggling) 39 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,433 Marshall, what is everyone's problem with Cathy? 40 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:39,899 Oh, she's a total nightmare, Ted, 41 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:40,897 but can we talk about this later? 42 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,138 I'm a minute away 43 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,313 from finding out if I'm gonna be a lawyer or not. 44 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,542 You see, kids, during the summer, 45 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,436 Marshall had taken the New York Bar exam. 46 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:50,578 His years of school, his countless hours of study, 47 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,614 had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal. 48 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,881 And... begin. 49 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,989 (vomiting) 50 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,692 The pressure of it was enormous. 51 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,724 Every year, people taking the bar simply cracked. 52 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,061 No! No! 53 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,226 No! 54 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:11,465 (shrieking): No! 55 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,866 But Marshall had made it through. 56 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:14,874 And... 57 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,335 time. 58 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,847 Time's up. 59 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:25,912 Right. 60 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:26,749 Time. 61 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:28,921 Sir. I know. 62 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,652 Your time is... I know it is. 63 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:31,618 Give me...! 64 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,891 Now, months later, the results of that exam were scheduled 65 00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,957 to post online at 10:00, 66 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,286 and it was 9:59. 67 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,631 Damn, they're not up yet. 68 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,425 Oh, don't worry, baby. I'm sure you rocked it. 69 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,498 I mean, how many people fail the bar? 70 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,197 Half. 71 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:48,498 Oh, my God, half? 72 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,869 Only half the people pass? 73 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,068 I mean, half the people pass. 74 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,039 That's fantastic. 75 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,206 Go, Marshall. 76 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,705 Oh, hey, can I jump on there? 77 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,946 I want to show you something awesome. What? 78 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,981 No. Bar results. My future. 79 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,477 Trust me. You need to see this. 80 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,049 What is so important that I need to see it right now? 81 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,657 It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby. 82 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:11,326 How do I need to see that? 83 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,092 Why would I want to see that? 84 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:17,770 In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain 85 00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,971 to something that disgusting enrich my life? 86 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:24,343 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 87 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,765 Get away from my computer. 88 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:29,309 Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel." 89 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:30,307 The results are in. 90 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,048 Whoo. What's it say? 91 00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,982 "Input password." 92 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,877 ALL: Input the password. 93 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,119 It's okay. They assigned it to me when I took the test. 94 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,045 It's gotta be around here somewhere. 95 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,990 Here. Here-here-here. 96 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,185 Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snaps... 97 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,928 This is a grocery list. 98 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:49,233 For who? A witch building a house in the forest? 99 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,267 Sugar helps me study. 100 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,702 This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does 101 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,697 when his parents leave him alone for the weekend. 102 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,309 What parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend? 103 00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,572 And your mom was perfect. 104 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,811 I can't find my password! Okay, just... 105 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,706 can't you let 'em know that you lost it 106 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,378 and they'll e-mail it to you or something? 107 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,247 No! They won't let me do that. 108 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,976 I'm gonna have to wait till the results come 109 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,150 in the regular mail. 110 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,518 That could be weeks from now, if ever! 111 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,456 Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her 112 00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:15,462 when the baby was due. 113 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:16,823 She wasn't pregnant? 114 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,390 No, he was not. 115 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,329 Ooh. Okay, well, that's a drag, 116 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:21,564 but the results will come eventually. 117 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,729 Just try to keep it off your mind until then. 118 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,867 (phone ringing) 119 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,174 Hey, Brad. 120 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,465 Oh, congratulations, man. 121 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:33,338 I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet. 122 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,807 I lost my password. 123 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,146 That's great, Cara. 124 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,411 I don't know yet. I lost my password. 125 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,921 I don't know how I lost it! 126 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,153 This stuff happens! 127 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,487 Oh. Ohh! You're one to talk. 128 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:50,615 You misplace stuff all the time. 129 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,031 I'm sorry. 130 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:55,362 I'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, Grandma. 131 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:57,826 Love you, too. 132 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,628 If I have to wait six weeks to find out if I passed, 133 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,171 I-I'm gonna have a heart attack. 134 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:06,265 Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry. 135 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,780 You know what? Laugh all you want. 136 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,741 This affects my whole future, all right? 137 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:10,740 (laughing) 138 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,781 Okay. 139 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,405 I probably shouldn't be telling you this. 140 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,821 I definitely shouldn't be telling you this, 141 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,222 but there is a way I can help you with your problem. 142 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,754 How? 143 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:21,293 I know a guy at work. 144 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:25,355 He can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls 145 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,426 and retrieve passwords through secure servers. 146 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,495 I can get into any computer. 147 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,203 So what do we do? Like, arrange a secret meeting 148 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,865 in a darkened parking structure? 149 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,144 No. 150 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:35,872 Can we? 151 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:36,896 No. 152 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:37,840 I have a trench coat. 153 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:38,865 Dude, be cool. 154 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,414 So, I just got off the phone with Cathy. 155 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,020 God, you guys are so right. 156 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,621 I totally hear it now. 157 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,691 See it now? 158 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:53,586 Smell it? 159 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:55,722 What is it?! 160 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,319 I left the table for two minutes. 161 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,561 What could she have possibly done 162 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,556 in that time that was so horrible? Was it... 163 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,128 I'll be back in one second. 164 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:07,227 One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone 165 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:10,740 that my English teacher had sex with me. 166 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,314 (Cathy laughs) 167 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,742 He's still in jail. 168 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,578 Or maybe... 169 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,583 I'll be back in a second. 170 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,112 So I volunteer at the pound. 171 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,881 Oh, isn't that nice? 172 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,790 Yeah. You can't imagine the rush you get 173 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,863 from killing an unwanted puppy. 174 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,559 I make bracelets out of the collars. 175 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:33,456 Or... 176 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,027 I'll be back in one second. 177 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:39,574 I bet he's going to the urinal. 178 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,797 Yeah. 179 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,669 I remember when I had a penis. 180 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:48,008 It wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom. 181 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,875 It's just the way she is. 182 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,683 I don't get it. 183 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,175 If it's so obvious and you guys all see it, 184 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,576 how come I don't? 185 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,448 'Cause we're not trying to have sex with her. 186 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:57,717 Mmm. Brother, 187 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,815 you're driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck, 188 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:02,057 and it's got a huge blind spot. 189 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,992 That's ridiculous. 190 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,657 Is it really? 191 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,856 Ted, let me tell you a little story 192 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,028 about a young lady I wanted to have sex with-- Lucilia. 193 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,865 On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, 194 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,935 we made love for ten straight hours. 195 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,206 When we were done, 196 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,813 she applauded 197 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:24,875 and told me I was far, far better 198 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,875 than the best lover she could possibly imagine, 199 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:32,548 and that I had restored her faith in God. 200 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,357 What does this have to do with Cathy? 201 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,062 Who's Cathy? 202 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,531 Just tell me what the hell 203 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,063 is wrong with her already. 204 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,198 Okay. You want to know? 205 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,263 Yes. 206 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:45,601 You want to shatter 207 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,366 this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? 208 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,204 Fine. Here it is. 209 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:54,469 Cathy talks... a lot. 210 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,479 Oh, come on. 211 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,605 That's not true. 212 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:02,279 Ted. Really, really think about that dinner 213 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:03,449 we all just had together. 214 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:04,847 And I did. 215 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,018 So, what's everyone getting? 216 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,987 Well, I can't decide. 217 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,216 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 218 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,331 I like chicken. 219 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,592 I like lasagna. I like them both, 220 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:14,701 but I really like pork. 221 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,832 A lot of people don't 222 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,026 eat pork, and maybe it's because 223 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,327 of that movie Babe or something. 224 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,428 But that was funny. 225 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,469 He was a talking pig 226 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,544 and he was like "Bah, Ram, Ewe!" 227 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:22,672 What-what if 228 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,266 there was a sorority, "Bah, Ram, Ewe?" 229 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,367 I'd totally rush it. 230 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,308 ...And so I named him Dr. Seuss! 231 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,875 Lorax is a funny word. 232 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,583 Lasagna! Just get the lasagna! 233 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,276 Oh, you guys just got a new place. 234 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,118 How many bedrooms 235 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:36,853 is it? 236 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:37,687 I would love 237 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:38,891 to have an extra bedroom, 238 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,152 because I would put a Stairmaster in there. 239 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,290 But you guts should get a convertible sofa. 240 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,555 Or a futon. Futons are great. 241 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,564 Or what about one of those 242 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:45,455 Murphy beds? 243 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,455 Who invented the Murphy bed? 244 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,426 Was it a guy named Murphy? 245 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,664 Oh, my God. 246 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,329 Do you guys remember that show Murphy Brown? 247 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,667 That was a funny show. 248 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,502 She had a new assistant every episode. 249 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,967 ...and it was like half an hour 250 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,165 before I realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore! 251 00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,207 Isn't that hysterical? 252 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,242 Two! It's two bedrooms! 253 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,238 Hey, do you guys like cannolis? 254 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,251 Because I know this place and it's in the South Bronx 255 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,413 and you wouldn't expect it, 256 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,320 but they have the best cannolis in town. 257 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,652 (glass shattering) 258 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:13,018 And just like that, the illusion was shattered. 259 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,386 Wow. 260 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,594 She just never shuts up, does she? 261 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,228 She didn't stop 262 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,762 to swallow her food. 263 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:21,928 I was scared for her. 264 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,625 I didn't want her to choke. 265 00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,097 At first. 266 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,707 So kids, this girl I was dating would not stop talking. 267 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,783 Can you imagine how awful that is? 268 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:37,906 (chattering) 269 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,380 Do you own a wok? 270 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,678 'Cause that's really how... 271 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:46,421 Don't you just love autumn? 272 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,916 Today I'm dressed for... 273 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,618 Oh, my God. The sweetest thing. 274 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,391 And I know this great place where we can go. 275 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,030 They have guys and girls clothes. 276 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,795 We could both shop at the same time. 277 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,874 And a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends... 278 00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,802 Hey! 279 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,327 Why are you running so fast? 280 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,969 Well, thank you, pal. 281 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,738 You and your little friends, 282 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,007 you just had to tell me. 283 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:10,405 You just had to give in to my incessant begging. 284 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,707 You said that you wanted to know. 285 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,579 I didn't want to know! 286 00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,247 You said you wanted to know! 287 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,575 Well, I didn't know I didn't want to know! 288 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,691 You knew. And you know me. 289 00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:22,223 And you should have known I didn't want to know! 290 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,259 You know? 291 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,064 I'm sorry we told you. 292 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,126 I'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point. 293 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,695 There's only a finite combination of words 294 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:30,833 in the English language. 295 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,568 Well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer. 296 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,533 She's got all these 297 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:35,941 other great qualities. 298 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,873 She's smart. She's caring. She loves animals... 299 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,668 You know how to teach her a lesson? 300 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,840 Buy her a parrot. 301 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:45,005 Oh, come on. I'm sorry that we told you, okay? 302 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,078 It's part of being in a relationship. 303 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,477 Eventually, you get used to these annoying little things 304 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:50,649 that bug you at first. 305 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:52,448 Yeah, I guess. 306 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,989 I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right? 307 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,664 Lily doesn't chew loudly. 308 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,686 Dude... 309 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,901 Come on. This isn't news. 310 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,733 Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"? 311 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,838 I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts 312 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,241 and I resemble a young Harrison Ford. 313 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:12,273 Think about it. 314 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,440 (crunching loudly) 315 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,317 (crunching loudly) 316 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:34,228 (inhaling loudly) 317 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,297 Oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing 318 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,400 you've ever done to me. 319 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,241 I really thought you knew. 320 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,836 We had ribs the other night. It sounded like Jurassic Park. 321 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,239 Ha-ha-ha. You know what? 322 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,581 It doesn't matter. 323 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:53,645 But it did. 324 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:59,323 (crunching loudly) 325 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,097 Say, what's in that cereal 326 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,539 besides dry twigs and small animal bones? 327 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,236 What's that supposed to mean? 328 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,308 Lily, I love you, but honest to God, 329 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,677 when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal 330 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:27,846 full of drywall screws. 331 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,475 What's the matter with you? 332 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,850 We've been together ten years, and you're saying this now? 333 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,690 Well, I never noticed it before until... 334 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,226 Until what? 335 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,091 Can you believe Ted? 336 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,599 What a lame thing to say, that I'm a loud chewer. 337 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,532 (crunching loudly) 338 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,197 Yeah, that's crazy. 339 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,366 Maybe enough with the pretzels. 340 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,638 Oh, my God, do I really chew that loudly? 341 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,307 No, no, no. 342 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,175 Okay, now that you pointed it out, 343 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:04,117 maybe it does sound slightly like someone put 344 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,554 a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, 345 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,749 but in a cute way. 346 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:10,761 This is all Ted's fault. 347 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,464 Oh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector. 348 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:14,426 What do you mean? 349 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:17,004 Oh, come on. You dated the guy for a year 350 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,574 and you never noticed that most of what Ted says 351 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,802 is correcting you. 352 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:23,873 Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex? 353 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,967 Actually, Kleenex is a brand. 354 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,810 This is a facial tissue. 355 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,113 Oh, my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? 356 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,720 Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene. 357 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:38,292 That's Frankenstein's monster. 358 00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:43,559 (sighs) That literally blew my mind. 359 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,233 Figuratively. 360 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:46,292 (both sigh) 361 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,828 Oh, my God, you're right. 362 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,097 That is so annoying. 363 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,825 Isn't it? (crunching loudly) 364 00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,901 Where are those pretzels from, Ace Hardware? 365 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,014 Hey, man, 366 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,078 you like kettle corn? 367 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,476 I'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy. 368 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:08,777 Are the blinds closed? 369 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,018 I don't know. 370 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,783 Are the blinds closed?! 371 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,691 Yes, the blinds are closed. 372 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,124 Good, I didn't think I was followed, 373 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,519 but you can never be too sure. 374 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:18,260 Now double-lock the door 375 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,125 and stay away from the windows. 376 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,333 Is there a reason that you're acting like this? 377 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,796 We're about to find out if you're a lawyer. 378 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,095 Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you 379 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,268 that using this software 380 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:30,996 is in violation of the Patriot Act, 381 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,441 the Strategic Defense Initiative, 382 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:37,276 and the National Security Act of 1948, which created the CIA. 383 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,084 So I hope you passed the bar because 384 00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:43,747 if we use this software, the night janitor Gligor 385 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,086 who I fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, 386 00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,623 is going to need a good lawyer. 387 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,088 Are you certain you want to go through with this? 388 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:53,927 I have to know, yes, yes. 389 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,434 Very good. 390 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:59,166 First, we go to the New York State Bar Web site. 391 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,402 We disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm 392 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:06,139 grabs your password, and as the application erases itself 393 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,336 leaving no trace we were here ever... 394 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,209 you ready to see your future, bro? 395 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,409 Yes. 396 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:24,287 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 397 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,957 Right! Isn't that awesome? 398 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,257 So you went through all this just to get me 399 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,558 to look at your stupid video? 400 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:30,659 Yeah, it was worth it. 401 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,400 Barney, Barney, that was the biggest test of my life. 402 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,166 I'm incredibly stressed out right now, and I... 403 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,866 (dog barking, baby cooing) 404 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,937 Okay, that's pretty funny. 405 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,110 You got to see this. 406 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:47,205 Uh-huh, yeah, I have to... 407 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,150 She'll call back when she realizes I'm gone. 408 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,287 Probably in about 45 minutes. 409 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:52,852 (both laugh) 410 00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,219 Hey. Hi. 411 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,588 You guys want a drink? 412 00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,056 I'll just have a water. 413 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,025 Mm, technically, water is a drink. 414 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,327 Really, Professor? 415 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,095 You drink it? Is that how water works? 416 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,034 Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin 417 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,329 and hope that I absorbed it. 418 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,838 Or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt. 419 00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,313 What's with you? 420 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,972 You're always correcting people. 421 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:17,311 You totally do that! That's absolutely right. 422 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,177 Right? I never noticed it before, 423 00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,946 and now it's literally driving me crazy. 424 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,784 Figuratively. 425 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,819 Okay, maybe so, but it's no worse 426 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,794 than you using the word "literally" 427 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:27,823 in every other sentence. 428 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:31,457 Don't they teach vocabulary in Canada? 429 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,834 They literally don't. They literally don't. 430 00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,034 Shut up, Marshall. 431 00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,326 That's nothing compared 432 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,427 to your thing of singing what you do all the time. 433 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,399 What? 434 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:44,437 * Paying my bills using return address labels * 435 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:50,644 * From a charity that I haven't given money to * 436 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:55,550 * Writing a check 'cause now I feel guilty * 437 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:58,845 * The Salivation Army does not fight fair. * 438 00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:02,288 (crunching loudly) 439 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,685 * Heading down to the basement today * 440 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:09,658 * With my laundry and a roll of quarters * 441 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,532 * But I'm back too soon * 442 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,240 * 'Cause I left the detergent * 443 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,472 * And the fabric softener * 444 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,583 Wow. Those lines are so sloppy. 445 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:23,642 Oh, come on! 446 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,850 What about you, "Barney"? 447 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,582 Okay, you... 448 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,352 always... 449 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,377 Interesting, interesting, 450 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,521 everyone has annoying habits but me. 451 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,216 Oh, got it. 452 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:41,189 Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice. 453 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:46,571 And you're constantly using lame catchphrases. 454 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,873 And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention 455 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,236 to what we're talking about. 456 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,865 I'm sorry. What? 457 00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,111 Oh, see? 458 00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,476 You can't think of anything 459 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,714 (high-pitched): * 'Cause I'm awesome! * 460 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:00,849 All three right there. 461 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,123 Well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase. 462 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,483 If anything, it's more of a catchword. 463 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:07,091 I literally want to rip your head off. 464 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,294 You mean "figuratively"! 465 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:12,226 No, I literally mean "literally." 466 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:15,562 (crunching loudly) Literally, literally literally. 467 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,268 Oh, my God, Lily, what are you eating, gravel? 468 00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:19,501 Oh, I know, right? 469 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,466 It sounds like cuff links going up a vacuum cleaner. 470 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,344 Well, why don't you sing about it? 471 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,913 Because I don't sing about everything I do. 472 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:29,282 No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences 473 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,582 like a stroke victim, 474 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:31,843 and what's worse, 475 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,181 they're catchy. 476 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:37,646 * Apple, orchard, banana, cat dance, 8663 * 477 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,787 See? We know that one because once you sang that 478 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,892 for, like, three hours. What the hell is that? 479 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,355 That's my password. 480 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,856 AOBCD8663. 481 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,903 (baby crying) Oh, Marshall! Awesome! 482 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,438 There's another one. 483 00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,574 It's called "Golden Reliever," where this dog... Yeah, 484 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,939 we can guess. All right, guys, 485 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,637 guys, guys. 486 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:08,052 I'm a lawyer. 487 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,324 (all cheering) 488 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,823 And just like that 489 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,624 we stopped fighting and celebrated Marshall's success. 490 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,917 You see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, 491 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,389 it's hard to ignore them. 492 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,928 * I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar * 493 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,933 * I'm imposing Marshall law on this champagne. * 494 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,266 (all laughing) 495 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,832 Are you literally on cloud nine right now? 496 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,800 Baby, you never have to take the bar again. 497 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,169 (crunches loudly) 498 00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,168 Actually, if he practices law in another state, 499 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,640 he will have to, 500 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,677 but New York, man! 501 00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,212 It's a great state to practice law in! 502 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:38,907 (high-pitched): Lawsuit up! 503 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:39,908 Yeah! Whoo! 504 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,209 Yeah! Yeah! 505 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,851 But if you love them enough, 506 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,345 those bad habits are easy to forget. 507 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,022 Three years later, I ran into Kathy, and she was doing well. 508 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,491 Ted?! 509 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,230 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in so long! 510 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:57,596 How long has it been? Three years? No, four. 511 00:19:57,664 --> 00:19:59,034 No, three, 'cause I went blonde and then I went back 512 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,228 'cause I was having too much fun. 513 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,030 It's true what they say: blondes have more fun. 514 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,001 Oh, my God, I'm being so rude. 515 00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:05,740 Ted, this is my fiancé. 516 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:06,735 Yes, I'm engaged. 517 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:08,636 Ted, this is Daniel. 518 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,518 You guys 519 00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:18,824 seem perfect for each other. 520 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:19,945 Oh, my God. 521 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,489 I know, right? Totally, it was like love at first sight. 522 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,824 Hey, we should go out sometime. 523 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,819 Are you seeing anyone? Because we could double-date. 524 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:25,791 Is that weird? No, it's not. 525 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,528 We can go have brunch. I know this place. 526 00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,034 Do you guys like popovers? Because I love popovers. 527 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,595 They're like croissants, 528 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,473 but they're a little bit less flaky and they're kind of round. 529 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,672 Hey, they have strawberry jam.