1 00:00:02,049 --> 00:00:03,150 - Synced and corrected by L0tech - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 2 00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,412 Previously on this documentary... 3 00:00:07,422 --> 00:00:08,759 Colin Robinson is dying. 4 00:00:11,297 --> 00:00:12,648 I will be returning to England 5 00:00:12,658 --> 00:00:14,126 to assume a position on the 6 00:00:14,136 --> 00:00:15,630 Supreme Vampiric Council. 7 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,520 Will you do me the honor 8 00:00:17,530 --> 00:00:20,750 of accompanying me on my journey around the world? 9 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:22,294 Make sure you look after my wife. 10 00:00:22,304 --> 00:00:24,124 What? Aah! No! 11 00:00:24,134 --> 00:00:26,450 There are, it seems, others in our world 12 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,312 whose existence is even more terrifying 13 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:31,237 and mysterious than our own. 14 00:00:31,558 --> 00:00:32,789 Shit. 15 00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:35,468 _ 16 00:01:01,264 --> 00:01:04,093 Josh and Elana wanted an open concept, 17 00:01:04,103 --> 00:01:06,097 so we suggested taking down 18 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,201 the wall dividing the kitchen and dining room 19 00:01:08,211 --> 00:01:10,338 and using a terra-cotta backsplash to unify the space... 20 00:01:10,348 --> 00:01:13,111 Terra-cotta backsplash would make a great accent. 21 00:01:13,121 --> 00:01:16,117 What he hasn't mentioned is that that's a load-bearing wall. 22 00:01:16,127 --> 00:01:17,820 This was a low-bearing wall... 23 00:01:17,830 --> 00:01:19,491 Oh, I've spoken too soon. 24 00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:21,327 Apologies to you, Bran. 25 00:01:21,337 --> 00:01:23,892 What the... Ah. 26 00:01:24,276 --> 00:01:27,085 Hello there. Long time no see. 27 00:01:27,095 --> 00:01:29,878 - Come on in, but keep it down. - Okay. 28 00:01:29,888 --> 00:01:32,449 I've found that this is the only 29 00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:34,286 thing that'll lull him to sleep. 30 00:01:34,296 --> 00:01:37,770 Since Nadja and Nandor departed, it's been just me and the lad. 31 00:01:38,111 --> 00:01:40,622 I don't want to call him Colin Robinson, even though he did.. 32 00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:43,539 Crawl out of the chest cavity of the deceased Colin Robinson. 33 00:01:43,549 --> 00:01:45,342 He really is his own little man, 34 00:01:45,352 --> 00:01:47,346 and I'd like to keep it that way. 35 00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:49,265 So, I just call him boy. 36 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,555 He's been growing at a remarkable rate, 37 00:01:51,565 --> 00:01:53,626 and he's a wild little creature, 38 00:01:53,636 --> 00:01:55,362 full of mischief and surprises. 39 00:01:55,372 --> 00:01:58,234 Shit. There we are. Good boy. 40 00:01:58,244 --> 00:02:01,202 And not a bit the boring, energy-draining Colin Robinson 41 00:02:01,212 --> 00:02:02,666 from whence he came. 42 00:02:03,392 --> 00:02:04,906 He's a good little helper. 43 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,695 Boy, I'm gonna need one nail. 44 00:02:06,705 --> 00:02:08,321 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 45 00:02:08,331 --> 00:02:10,325 Yeah. All right. 46 00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:12,174 Helping me maintain this house. 47 00:02:12,184 --> 00:02:13,187 One. 48 00:02:13,197 --> 00:02:16,189 Which, I'm sure you've noticed, has seen better days. 49 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,642 He's given me a sense of purpose. 50 00:02:18,652 --> 00:02:21,558 And under my tutelage, with exposure to woodcraft, 51 00:02:21,978 --> 00:02:23,827 scintillating conversation... 52 00:02:23,837 --> 00:02:25,489 - Good work, boy. - High culture... 53 00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:27,660 - En garde. - And, of course, swordsmanship... 54 00:02:27,670 --> 00:02:29,229 - Ha. - Shit. 55 00:02:29,239 --> 00:02:30,298 Ah, you're getting better. 56 00:02:30,308 --> 00:02:33,605 I think I can mold this blank canvas of a boy 57 00:02:33,615 --> 00:02:37,489 into the most interesting adult there has ever been. 58 00:03:14,577 --> 00:03:16,048 Oh, no. 59 00:03:16,535 --> 00:03:19,363 It's those bastards from the gas company. 60 00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,163 Yes, there's a gas leak. 61 00:03:21,173 --> 00:03:23,304 Yes, I need to do something about it. 62 00:03:23,314 --> 00:03:25,710 Yes, if you turn up again, I'm gonna kill you. 63 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,014 All right, all right. 64 00:03:28,024 --> 00:03:30,786 All these wooden boxes and shit have been arriving 65 00:03:30,796 --> 00:03:32,623 for my wife for weeks. 66 00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:35,856 I do mean to send them on to London, but I've been too busy 67 00:03:35,866 --> 00:03:37,967 murdering these gas employees 68 00:03:37,977 --> 00:03:40,983 that they insist on sending round. 69 00:03:42,653 --> 00:03:44,757 Guess who. 70 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,437 Where the hell did you come from? 71 00:03:47,447 --> 00:03:49,557 Well, I had a little help. 72 00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:52,797 - Surprise! - My darling! 73 00:03:52,807 --> 00:03:54,534 - Oh, my love. - Every day of your absence 74 00:03:54,544 --> 00:03:55,970 - Oh, I've missed you so much. - Has felt like a decade. 75 00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:57,974 Every decade, a century. Let's fuck. 76 00:03:57,984 --> 00:03:59,511 These guys are still alive? 77 00:03:59,521 --> 00:04:01,280 Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter. 78 00:04:01,290 --> 00:04:02,717 Don't you want to know why I've returned from London? 79 00:04:02,727 --> 00:04:04,518 Yeah, you can tell me later. It'll wait. 80 00:04:04,528 --> 00:04:07,760 My work with the Worldwide Supreme Vampiric Council was 81 00:04:07,770 --> 00:04:09,599 so challenging but... 82 00:04:09,609 --> 00:04:11,467 also fulfilling, you know? 83 00:04:11,477 --> 00:04:12,976 - Yeah. - And... and I gave it all up. 84 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,373 I had to, 85 00:04:14,383 --> 00:04:16,410 because I missed you so much. 86 00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:20,351 - My wide lover. - Your wise mov... 87 00:04:21,585 --> 00:04:23,458 You are a naughty bloody boy. 88 00:04:23,468 --> 00:04:25,295 You were supposed to come with me to London, 89 00:04:25,305 --> 00:04:27,671 but you just packed me up and shipped me off. 90 00:04:27,681 --> 00:04:29,002 My darling, I had to look after the boy. 91 00:04:29,012 --> 00:04:30,706 - I wrote to you. - Yes, yes, 92 00:04:30,716 --> 00:04:32,910 about creature that crawled out of the cavity of 93 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,293 dead Colin Robinson's chest. I understand, I guess. 94 00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:38,387 Speak of the devil. 95 00:04:38,397 --> 00:04:40,585 Hello. Is that you, little one? 96 00:04:40,595 --> 00:04:41,706 - Mommy's home. - That's not him. 97 00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:42,734 Are you sure? 98 00:04:42,744 --> 00:04:44,701 Yes, that's a raccoon, my darling. 99 00:04:44,711 --> 00:04:46,705 They've taken residence in the library. 100 00:04:46,715 --> 00:04:49,811 - Oh. - The boy himself is upstairs, asleep. 101 00:04:49,821 --> 00:04:51,515 Well, perfect, then. 102 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,952 - Yeah. - I want to peel you like a potato 103 00:04:53,962 --> 00:04:55,589 and mash your insides. 104 00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:56,958 - Come on. - Okay. 105 00:04:56,968 --> 00:04:58,495 Watch your step, my darling. 106 00:04:58,505 --> 00:05:00,431 The water damage has ruined the wood. 107 00:05:00,441 --> 00:05:02,369 Not this wood. 108 00:05:02,379 --> 00:05:03,906 Shit, I almost forgot. 109 00:05:03,916 --> 00:05:05,385 Before we go upstairs, 110 00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:08,381 I have a little surprise for you. 111 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:10,437 It'll wait. 112 00:05:10,447 --> 00:05:11,822 Come on! 113 00:05:11,832 --> 00:05:15,840 Wassup...! 114 00:05:20,650 --> 00:05:23,612 Uh, it is a saying from the olden days 115 00:05:23,622 --> 00:05:24,881 that I learned on my travels. 116 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,785 I don't know what it means, 117 00:05:26,795 --> 00:05:28,655 but I like how it sounds. 118 00:05:28,665 --> 00:05:30,593 Yeah, well, it's a great story. 119 00:05:30,603 --> 00:05:32,028 - Thank you. - But, uh, 120 00:05:32,038 --> 00:05:33,364 darling, "why haven't we finished fucking?", 121 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:34,634 you might ask yourself. 122 00:05:34,644 --> 00:05:36,070 Well, the answer is 123 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,074 it's 'cause we haven't managed to start yet. 124 00:05:38,084 --> 00:05:40,355 - Do excuse us. - - Laszlo. 125 00:05:40,689 --> 00:05:43,417 I know you're not a sentimental fellow, 126 00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:44,988 and neither am I, 127 00:05:44,998 --> 00:05:46,932 - but I have missed you. - Aw. 128 00:05:46,942 --> 00:05:49,564 And it feels really good to be back in the house! 129 00:05:49,574 --> 00:05:50,799 - Shit. - Fucking hell. 130 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:51,968 - Is he dead? Huh? - I'm okay! 131 00:05:51,978 --> 00:05:54,139 - No? - I'm okay. 132 00:05:54,149 --> 00:05:56,745 There's a very strong smell of gas leak down here. 133 00:05:56,755 --> 00:06:00,986 Could someone throw me down a lit candle, 134 00:06:00,996 --> 00:06:03,158 and I can find my way out? 135 00:06:12,419 --> 00:06:14,814 My eat, prey, love journey? 136 00:06:14,824 --> 00:06:16,259 Where to begin? 137 00:06:17,195 --> 00:06:20,085 As fate would have it, I got as far as... 138 00:06:20,095 --> 00:06:22,314 Fresno, I think it is called. 139 00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:26,838 I met a very plump family on the train 140 00:06:26,848 --> 00:06:28,351 from Wisconsin. 141 00:06:28,361 --> 00:06:29,510 I planned to drain them, 142 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,781 but they were quite endearing. 143 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,886 They had a very particular way of speaking, 144 00:06:33,896 --> 00:06:35,489 It was like, um... 145 00:06:35,499 --> 00:06:37,827 "Oh, hey there, Nandor. 146 00:06:37,837 --> 00:06:39,964 "You want to come see the Packers pound 147 00:06:39,974 --> 00:06:43,572 the frozen tundra of the Lambeau Field?" 148 00:06:43,582 --> 00:06:45,470 Something like that. 149 00:06:46,153 --> 00:06:49,984 The love and the affection that this family had for each other, 150 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:52,490 it made me miss my own family. 151 00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:55,194 I grew homesick, not for Staten Island 152 00:06:55,204 --> 00:06:58,602 but my real home in Al Qolnidar. 153 00:06:58,612 --> 00:07:01,844 So I booked passage on a container ship to... 154 00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:05,114 I kind of get the idea 155 00:07:05,124 --> 00:07:06,918 that you guys aren't really listening to what I'm saying. 156 00:07:06,928 --> 00:07:08,488 - We're listening. - Yeah, I mean, 157 00:07:08,498 --> 00:07:09,958 I'm capable of doing two things at once. 158 00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,995 - Faster. - Go on. 159 00:07:12,005 --> 00:07:13,665 Something about a container ship. 160 00:07:13,675 --> 00:07:15,068 - Mm-hmm. - Anyway, so, 161 00:07:15,078 --> 00:07:17,038 I hitched a ride on a ship, 162 00:07:17,048 --> 00:07:18,508 and after I'd drained all of the crew, 163 00:07:18,518 --> 00:07:20,244 we ran into a little delay. 164 00:07:20,254 --> 00:07:21,982 A traffic jam on one of 165 00:07:21,992 --> 00:07:23,619 the most important waterways in the world. 166 00:07:23,629 --> 00:07:25,556 The Suez Canal was blocked on Tuesday 167 00:07:25,566 --> 00:07:27,225 when a very large container carrier got s... 168 00:07:27,235 --> 00:07:30,733 Finally, I found my way back to Al Qolnidar. 169 00:07:30,743 --> 00:07:32,035 My h... 170 00:07:32,045 --> 00:07:33,587 Oh, wow. 171 00:07:33,597 --> 00:07:35,496 Look at you. 172 00:07:35,506 --> 00:07:37,178 Hello, darling. 173 00:07:37,188 --> 00:07:39,811 That was the baby Colin Robinson, I assume? 174 00:07:39,821 --> 00:07:42,823 No. That came from the body of Colin Robinson, 175 00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:44,627 but is something completely different entirely. 176 00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:46,865 Is it boring like Colin Robinson? 177 00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:50,539 - Well, now that is an excellent question. - Thank you. 178 00:07:50,549 --> 00:07:52,175 One that I have been vigorously applying 179 00:07:52,185 --> 00:07:54,657 my scientific method to for the past two months. 180 00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:57,285 My work began with experiments in isolation. 181 00:07:59,014 --> 00:08:00,224 I dabbled in phrenology. 182 00:08:00,234 --> 00:08:02,763 Disappointed. Shocked. 183 00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:05,032 Happy. Puzzled. 184 00:08:05,042 --> 00:08:07,126 Fortifying good judgment. 185 00:08:07,136 --> 00:08:09,944 Important literature or colorful shit. 186 00:08:09,954 --> 00:08:12,248 - Um... - Make your choice. 187 00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:14,119 No! 188 00:08:14,129 --> 00:08:16,065 And, of course, electroshock therapy. 189 00:08:16,628 --> 00:08:17,766 Again. 190 00:08:17,776 --> 00:08:21,100 I subjected him to all manner of boring imagery. 191 00:08:21,110 --> 00:08:23,304 He found it just as tedious as I did. 192 00:08:23,314 --> 00:08:27,045 I am delighted to report that he is not and will not grow into 193 00:08:27,055 --> 00:08:30,686 the boring energy vampire from whence he came. 194 00:08:30,696 --> 00:08:32,022 Rubbish. 195 00:08:32,032 --> 00:08:33,272 Only today, 196 00:08:33,282 --> 00:08:34,761 I was conducting a new experiment... 197 00:08:34,771 --> 00:08:36,196 Are you two having sex again? 198 00:08:36,206 --> 00:08:38,668 Well, I'm not baking a cake, Nandor. 199 00:08:38,678 --> 00:08:40,238 It would be so much more enjoyable 200 00:08:40,248 --> 00:08:42,777 if you would stop interrupting. 201 00:08:42,787 --> 00:08:44,782 - Or you could join in, old chap. - Come on. 202 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,150 Room in the back. 203 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,608 I'm tempted, but, uh, 204 00:08:47,618 --> 00:08:49,701 I'll leave you guys to it and just watch, if that's all right. 205 00:08:49,711 --> 00:08:51,895 - Okay. - Yes, I'm cl... I'm really close. 206 00:08:51,905 --> 00:08:53,532 You might have to calm this down, my darling. 207 00:08:53,542 --> 00:08:55,301 I'm not sure this settee can take it. 208 00:08:55,311 --> 00:08:58,340 This settee has taken centuries of our love. 209 00:09:00,354 --> 00:09:02,182 Whoa. 210 00:09:02,192 --> 00:09:03,652 Are you okay? 211 00:09:03,662 --> 00:09:05,723 You want me to throw you down a candle? 212 00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:07,803 Fuck me. 213 00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:09,362 Okay, here I go. 214 00:09:09,372 --> 00:09:11,634 They're at it again. 215 00:09:11,644 --> 00:09:14,339 Are you doing a role play or are you really drowning? 216 00:09:14,349 --> 00:09:16,878 Drowning, my darling. It's hot, yeah? 217 00:09:16,888 --> 00:09:19,116 Listen to this place. 218 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,086 It sounds like the entire house is going to collapse 219 00:09:21,096 --> 00:09:23,053 at any moment. Ay! Ay! The f... 220 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,162 Careful, old chap, 221 00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,518 There's a hole there. 222 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,176 What is that thumping? 223 00:09:27,186 --> 00:09:29,102 It's just bad pipes. It'll pass. 224 00:09:29,112 --> 00:09:31,206 I had to take a sledgehammer to that wall, 225 00:09:31,216 --> 00:09:34,045 that wall and that wall down there. 226 00:09:34,055 --> 00:09:37,620 - Oh. - I tried to find the culprit, but so far, no luck. 227 00:09:37,630 --> 00:09:39,122 We are running out of rooms to sit in 228 00:09:39,132 --> 00:09:40,894 that aren't completely falling apart. 229 00:09:40,904 --> 00:09:43,613 - It's true. - I do wish Guillermo was still here. 230 00:09:43,623 --> 00:09:46,165 At least he kept the house tidy and shipshape. 231 00:09:46,175 --> 00:09:47,305 Who's he talking about? 232 00:09:47,315 --> 00:09:48,842 - Guillermo. - Who? 233 00:09:48,852 --> 00:09:50,090 You know, Guillermo. 234 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,671 Doesn't matter how many times you keep saying it. 235 00:09:51,681 --> 00:09:54,252 He's about this tall, glasses, shitty sweater. 236 00:09:54,262 --> 00:09:56,256 Nadja, I think it's time. 237 00:09:56,266 --> 00:09:58,795 Oh! That reminds me. 238 00:09:58,805 --> 00:10:01,835 I have got a teensy little present for you both. 239 00:10:01,845 --> 00:10:02,903 - Oh. - NANDOR: Oh. - Now... 240 00:10:02,913 --> 00:10:05,341 Okay, don't get too excited. It's not that good. 241 00:10:05,351 --> 00:10:06,811 Should I cover my eyes? 242 00:10:06,821 --> 00:10:08,013 - I love surprises. - Okay... 243 00:10:08,023 --> 00:10:09,182 Ta-da! 244 00:10:10,863 --> 00:10:12,255 Surprise! 245 00:10:12,265 --> 00:10:13,658 - Oh, that guy. - Guillermo. 246 00:10:13,668 --> 00:10:15,194 - Oh. - Right. 247 00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:19,136 How could you ship me across the Atlantic 248 00:10:19,146 --> 00:10:21,092 in a wooden crate? 249 00:10:21,102 --> 00:10:23,912 - Twice! - Always a complaint with this one. 250 00:10:23,922 --> 00:10:27,085 I packed you extra Oreos and Pedialyte this time around, 251 00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:29,791 - just to be nice. - I've been pounding from the inside 252 00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:32,019 of this wooden crate for a week! 253 00:10:32,029 --> 00:10:33,999 Oh! That's what it was. 254 00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,136 If I'd have known that, I wouldn't have trashed the place. 255 00:10:36,146 --> 00:10:38,340 Good news is pipes are fine. 256 00:10:38,350 --> 00:10:40,077 That is good news. 257 00:10:40,087 --> 00:10:42,783 Okay, something is happening now. 258 00:10:42,793 --> 00:10:45,054 I think he's going to make a poop in his knickers. 259 00:10:45,064 --> 00:10:47,543 - That, or he's about to start crying. - Guillermo. 260 00:10:47,553 --> 00:10:49,658 If you want to cry, that's fine, we won't judge you. 261 00:10:49,668 --> 00:10:51,400 But if you wish to poop your pants, 262 00:10:51,410 --> 00:10:53,313 then I'd rather you go somewhere else and do it. 263 00:10:53,323 --> 00:10:55,107 - You're dead to me. - Ah. 264 00:10:55,117 --> 00:10:57,045 - You're dead to me. - Uh... 265 00:10:57,055 --> 00:10:59,249 - You're dead to me! - The fuck did I do? 266 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,821 Hm. Well, technically, 267 00:11:01,831 --> 00:11:03,324 we're all already dead, so... 268 00:11:03,334 --> 00:11:05,027 Nad... Nadja, 269 00:11:05,037 --> 00:11:07,031 that is not helpful at this particular juncture. 270 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,871 - Goodbye for... Aah! - Whoa! 271 00:11:09,881 --> 00:11:11,473 Guillermo, I'm coming! 272 00:11:11,483 --> 00:11:13,387 Oh, shit. 273 00:11:16,126 --> 00:11:17,331 Is he dead? 274 00:11:17,729 --> 00:11:18,822 Oh. 275 00:11:18,832 --> 00:11:20,726 Bloody hell. 276 00:11:21,905 --> 00:11:23,807 - Well, he needed a bath. - Agreed. 277 00:11:24,611 --> 00:11:26,248 - Charming. - That's better. 278 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,206 There we go. 279 00:11:35,766 --> 00:11:37,403 How we feeling? 280 00:11:38,237 --> 00:11:39,623 I'm fine. 281 00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:40,732 Mm. 282 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,870 I've had a lot of time to think about my life lately, 283 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,873 while I was nailed inside... 284 00:11:44,883 --> 00:11:46,878 a shipping crate for two weeks. 285 00:11:46,888 --> 00:11:48,858 I got to start looking out for number one. 286 00:11:50,094 --> 00:11:51,420 That-that would be me. 287 00:11:51,430 --> 00:11:54,082 In this case, I'm num-I'm number one. 288 00:11:54,092 --> 00:11:55,829 How's about I fix you up some, uh... 289 00:11:56,206 --> 00:11:57,833 Glass of water, please. 290 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,469 Glass of water, coming up. 291 00:11:59,479 --> 00:12:03,578 I know that you want to leave, Guillermo. 292 00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:05,368 You feel disrespected. 293 00:12:05,378 --> 00:12:07,352 Much in the same way, 294 00:12:07,362 --> 00:12:10,492 you disrespected me by leaving me all alone 295 00:12:10,502 --> 00:12:14,065 at a train station in New Jersey with my dick in my hand. 296 00:12:14,075 --> 00:12:15,631 That wasn't my fault. 297 00:12:15,641 --> 00:12:17,038 Agree to disagree. 298 00:12:17,048 --> 00:12:20,177 Anyway, that was in the past now, and I forgive you. 299 00:12:20,187 --> 00:12:22,225 And also, I need you to stay 300 00:12:22,831 --> 00:12:25,087 and do something very important for me. 301 00:12:25,097 --> 00:12:26,097 Well... 302 00:12:27,323 --> 00:12:29,563 - what is it? - It's not... 303 00:12:29,573 --> 00:12:31,315 easy thing for 304 00:12:31,735 --> 00:12:33,782 an ancient warrior to ask. 305 00:12:36,159 --> 00:12:39,063 Guillermo de la Cruz. 306 00:12:39,073 --> 00:12:40,243 Did I say it right? 307 00:12:40,253 --> 00:12:42,388 - Yes. - Once my familiar, 308 00:12:42,398 --> 00:12:44,214 also my bodyguard, 309 00:12:44,633 --> 00:12:46,219 always my friend. 310 00:12:46,229 --> 00:12:48,485 Based on definition of the word. 311 00:12:48,495 --> 00:12:49,655 You could've stopped there. 312 00:12:49,665 --> 00:12:52,553 Would you do me the great honor 313 00:12:53,542 --> 00:12:55,091 of being... 314 00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:57,820 the best man at my wedding? 315 00:12:57,830 --> 00:13:00,579 - You're getting married? - Yes. Now, don't be jealous. 316 00:13:00,589 --> 00:13:02,128 I'm actually not. 317 00:13:02,138 --> 00:13:04,543 - Oh. Okay. - I'm really happy for you. 318 00:13:05,237 --> 00:13:06,904 I will accept this great honor. 319 00:13:06,914 --> 00:13:08,340 Great. Good. 320 00:13:08,350 --> 00:13:09,977 I'm still looking out 321 00:13:09,987 --> 00:13:11,480 for number one, I'll just be 322 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,150 Nandor's best man first. 323 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,087 One could argue that it's way cooler 324 00:13:15,097 --> 00:13:17,425 to be made into a best man than into a vampire. 325 00:13:17,435 --> 00:13:20,241 Don't know who would say that, but... 326 00:13:20,768 --> 00:13:21,782 one could argue that. 327 00:13:21,792 --> 00:13:23,605 So, who is she? 328 00:13:23,615 --> 00:13:25,035 Who is who? 329 00:13:25,045 --> 00:13:26,210 Your bride-to-be? 330 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:27,483 - I don't know yet. - What? 331 00:13:27,493 --> 00:13:29,282 - I have not picked one. - You haven't picked one? 332 00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,729 I have been very lonely, 333 00:13:30,739 --> 00:13:33,190 and the obvious fix is to take a bride immediately, 334 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,328 preferably before the end of the month. 335 00:13:35,338 --> 00:13:37,599 - This seems a bit hasty. - Thank you. 336 00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:40,104 And you are going to help me pick my bride, 337 00:13:40,114 --> 00:13:42,408 because that is what a best man does. 338 00:13:42,418 --> 00:13:44,145 Actually, that's not what a best man does. 339 00:13:44,155 --> 00:13:45,181 What a best man does is... 340 00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:46,861 What the fuck is that? 341 00:13:46,871 --> 00:13:49,155 Oh, this is the creature that crawled out of the chest cavity 342 00:13:49,165 --> 00:13:51,627 of Colin Robinson's dead body after he died. 343 00:13:51,637 --> 00:13:54,934 Why does it have a lit candle on its head? 344 00:13:54,944 --> 00:13:56,604 He could catch on fire or catch this whole place on fire. 345 00:13:56,614 --> 00:13:58,942 Ah, there he is. 346 00:13:58,952 --> 00:14:01,246 - Yes. - I found him. - Okay, I found him. 347 00:14:01,256 --> 00:14:03,250 - He's giving me sweet little kisses. - No, my darling. 348 00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,922 I don't know what you've got out there, but he's in here. 349 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,893 Oh, okay. Never mind. 350 00:14:07,903 --> 00:14:10,197 It's just another raccoon. 351 00:14:10,207 --> 00:14:11,387 Okay. 352 00:14:11,397 --> 00:14:13,710 He has the candle on his head for when he sneaks 353 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,476 down to the basement and swims in all the sewage. 354 00:14:16,486 --> 00:14:18,113 - It's very dark down there. - What? 355 00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:19,952 You let him swim in the sewage? 356 00:14:19,962 --> 00:14:21,842 It helps him shake off the sillies. 357 00:14:21,852 --> 00:14:23,631 Now, I have a little boy 358 00:14:23,641 --> 00:14:26,014 who needs feeding. 359 00:14:26,024 --> 00:14:27,599 There you are. 360 00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:29,169 You like these, don't you? 361 00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:31,186 Are you ready? Here we go. 362 00:14:31,196 --> 00:14:32,543 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. 363 00:14:32,553 --> 00:14:35,147 - No. - Now, sit. 364 00:14:35,157 --> 00:14:37,151 Stay, boy. 365 00:14:37,161 --> 00:14:38,655 And... have at it. 366 00:14:40,669 --> 00:14:42,696 Just can't leave that innocent kid 367 00:14:42,706 --> 00:14:46,532 in this death trap of a house with those lunatics. 368 00:14:47,281 --> 00:14:49,419 My mom worked a lot when I was little. 369 00:14:50,243 --> 00:14:52,457 So I had to take care of myself a lot, 370 00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:54,038 and it was hard. 371 00:14:54,048 --> 00:14:56,133 And no kid should have to go through that. 372 00:14:56,657 --> 00:14:58,360 I'm gonna just focus on me. 373 00:14:58,370 --> 00:15:00,861 Me first. Me. 374 00:15:00,871 --> 00:15:03,186 You're looking at a brand-new Guillermo de la Cruz. 375 00:15:04,475 --> 00:15:07,447 After I take care of the wedding and make sure that child doesn't die. 376 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:10,151 This is my favorite part right here... 377 00:15:10,161 --> 00:15:13,056 So, Guillermo has made a good point. 378 00:15:13,066 --> 00:15:16,029 - Hmm. - That we should probably make some concrete steps 379 00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:18,000 into fixing this house, 380 00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:20,715 because it has become a mortal danger for us 381 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,143 and also for the little creature 382 00:15:23,153 --> 00:15:25,682 - You mean the baby? - - that clawed its way out of 383 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,694 the chest of the corpse of our dead friend, Colin Robinson. 384 00:15:28,704 --> 00:15:30,024 Which is what we are doing. 385 00:15:30,034 --> 00:15:32,460 I'm sorry, but I don't know how watching 15 episodes 386 00:15:32,470 --> 00:15:35,101 of these two dimwits installing kitchen islands 387 00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:37,105 in other people's homes is going to help us 388 00:15:37,115 --> 00:15:38,741 - fix our house. - Yep. - My darling, 389 00:15:38,751 --> 00:15:41,741 Bran and Toby are brothers with a keen eye 390 00:15:41,751 --> 00:15:43,327 on interior decor. 391 00:15:43,337 --> 00:15:45,749 They turn the most mundane property 392 00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:47,693 from shabby, uh, to chic. 393 00:15:47,703 --> 00:15:50,097 Tell 'em we're gonna need a structural engineer, 394 00:15:50,107 --> 00:15:53,070 a team of contractors, and at least two plumbers. 395 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,174 Guillermo said that we're gonna need a structural... 396 00:15:55,184 --> 00:15:56,811 - Yeah, we heard him, you prat. - Yes, he's sitting right there. 397 00:15:56,821 --> 00:15:58,113 Guillermo has decided 398 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,084 that he's no longer talking to you both 399 00:16:00,094 --> 00:16:01,988 because of the bad way you have treated him 400 00:16:01,998 --> 00:16:04,392 - over the last 12 years. - Ooh. 401 00:16:04,402 --> 00:16:06,396 A bit of sass from the boy. 402 00:16:10,014 --> 00:16:12,175 Okay, now we are all friends again, 403 00:16:12,185 --> 00:16:14,147 and we are breaking each other's balls. 404 00:16:14,157 --> 00:16:15,582 - No, that's really not what's going on here. - Well, to fix 405 00:16:15,592 --> 00:16:17,185 this house, we need money, correct? 406 00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:18,983 Does anyone know if we have any money? 407 00:16:18,993 --> 00:16:20,625 - Anyone? Cash. - Uh... 408 00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:22,763 - Coin. Gold. - Moola. Wonga. 409 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,334 - Rubles. Lettuce. Dough. - Milk. Bread. 410 00:16:25,344 --> 00:16:27,071 - Sweet cream. - Stripper tips. 411 00:16:27,081 --> 00:16:29,103 - Anyone? - Colin Robinson was in charge 412 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,346 of paying all the bills in the house, 413 00:16:31,356 --> 00:16:33,350 and now Colin Robinson is dead. 414 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,087 No, he's not. He's right over... 415 00:16:35,097 --> 00:16:36,591 Oh, no, no, Colin. Colin! 416 00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:38,327 No, Colin. No, no, no. 417 00:16:38,337 --> 00:16:40,064 That is not Colin Robinson, so... 418 00:16:40,074 --> 00:16:42,185 - Yes, it is. - No, it's not. 419 00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:45,374 It came from Colin Robinson, but don't call him Colin Robinson. 420 00:16:45,384 --> 00:16:47,978 - Have a seat, right here. - I do have Colin Robinson's 421 00:16:47,988 --> 00:16:50,284 automated teller machine card. 422 00:16:50,294 --> 00:16:53,423 - Ooh. - But what I don't have, I'm afraid, is Colin Robinson's 423 00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:56,296 automated teller machine card password. 424 00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:58,333 Any ideas? 425 00:16:58,343 --> 00:16:59,703 You can't be that stupid, can you? Just give me that. 426 00:16:59,713 --> 00:17:01,306 Ooh. 427 00:17:01,316 --> 00:17:03,410 This boy's grown some claws. 428 00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,447 Hey, buddy. I'm Guillermo. 429 00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,218 - What's your name? - Colin. 430 00:17:07,228 --> 00:17:08,521 Oh, no, no, no, no. 431 00:17:08,531 --> 00:17:10,157 The only reason why he said that is 432 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,627 'cause he's heard you say Colin many times. 433 00:17:11,637 --> 00:17:12,839 Okay. 434 00:17:12,849 --> 00:17:14,019 Hey, buddy. 435 00:17:14,029 --> 00:17:16,521 Do you know the password to this card? 436 00:17:16,531 --> 00:17:17,643 Three. 437 00:17:17,653 --> 00:17:19,990 Three. Can we get a-a piece of paper and pen? 438 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,614 - Good job. Very good. - My quill, my quill. 439 00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:23,785 - Three-three. What else? - Three, yes. 440 00:17:23,795 --> 00:17:25,689 - One. - One. - One. 441 00:17:25,699 --> 00:17:27,526 - Hang on. - BABY COLIN: Four. - Four. 442 00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:28,795 - Four. - Anything else, Colin? 443 00:17:28,805 --> 00:17:30,331 - One. - One. - One. 444 00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:31,711 This is quite miraculous. 445 00:17:33,078 --> 00:17:35,341 _ 446 00:17:35,351 --> 00:17:36,742 Four. 447 00:17:37,164 --> 00:17:38,380 Three 448 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,810 One. Zero. 449 00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:41,841 - Two. - At least I tried. 450 00:17:41,851 --> 00:17:43,546 Bloody waste of time. 451 00:17:47,464 --> 00:17:50,104 Do you know what could be a very good moneymaker? 452 00:17:50,114 --> 00:17:53,377 Opening up our own vampire nightclub. 453 00:17:53,387 --> 00:17:55,214 Ooh, yes, a great idea. 454 00:17:55,224 --> 00:17:57,251 - A what? - A vampire nightclub. 455 00:17:57,261 --> 00:17:58,857 Like in the film Blade, 456 00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:00,257 with the blood sprinklers 457 00:18:00,267 --> 00:18:01,560 and the live F and S show. 458 00:18:01,570 --> 00:18:03,631 - Imagine! - I got it. 459 00:18:03,641 --> 00:18:05,731 We rob Fort Knox. 460 00:18:05,741 --> 00:18:08,848 Guillermo, I am going to need 600 yards of strong rope. 461 00:18:08,858 --> 00:18:10,812 Why would you need that much rope? 462 00:18:10,822 --> 00:18:13,484 - You got any better ideas? - Uh, I just said one. 463 00:18:13,494 --> 00:18:16,156 - She just said one. - Well, if you two are considering 464 00:18:16,166 --> 00:18:19,429 selling my TV projector monitor, then you can get fucked. 465 00:18:19,439 --> 00:18:21,232 - Hmm. - The new series of Go Flip Yourself 466 00:18:21,242 --> 00:18:22,769 starts next week, 467 00:18:22,779 --> 00:18:25,742 where Bran and Toby face their biggest challenges yet. 468 00:18:25,752 --> 00:18:27,613 - Hmm. - Guys, could we circle back? 469 00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:29,349 I'm telling you, the nightclub business... 470 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,288 - It is a cash-only business. - I've got it. 471 00:18:32,298 --> 00:18:34,325 We break into Henry Ford's house, 472 00:18:34,335 --> 00:18:36,296 - Oh... - and we steal all his money. 473 00:18:36,306 --> 00:18:39,222 Guillermo, I'm just gonna need ten yards of strong rope. 474 00:18:39,232 --> 00:18:42,318 I did learn three very valuable lessons on my trip to England. 475 00:18:43,453 --> 00:18:45,214 Number one, if you go to work 476 00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:47,159 for the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council, 477 00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,651 do not let them 478 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,370 put you on a ten-year Vampiric Planning Committee, 479 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,997 'cause that is where they just stick 480 00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:55,835 Z-list and C-list vampires to just sit around, 481 00:18:55,845 --> 00:18:57,471 talking about boring admin all day. 482 00:18:57,481 --> 00:19:00,210 And that is why the focus of our five-year plan 483 00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:02,122 should be to form a variety 484 00:19:02,132 --> 00:19:04,185 of subcommittees and study groups... 485 00:19:04,195 --> 00:19:05,789 And the second thing I learned is, 486 00:19:05,799 --> 00:19:08,193 as a woman, sometimes you do need 487 00:19:08,203 --> 00:19:10,331 to use your special voice to be heard. 488 00:19:10,341 --> 00:19:13,470 I was too afraid to use mine in the Vampiric Council meetings, 489 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,307 and I deeply regret that. 490 00:19:15,317 --> 00:19:16,733 Unless anyone has anything else, I think we can... 491 00:19:16,743 --> 00:19:19,382 If I could? I have prepared a little pitch. 492 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,954 Another way we could possibly go with our... 493 00:19:21,964 --> 00:19:23,875 five-year plan. 494 00:19:25,270 --> 00:19:27,909 I have just two words for you. 495 00:19:29,747 --> 00:19:32,609 Vampire nightclub. 496 00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:34,445 And that's the other thing I learned. 497 00:19:34,455 --> 00:19:36,817 I just really want to open a vampiric nightclub! 498 00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:38,253 I mean, come on. 499 00:19:38,263 --> 00:19:39,757 It's a no-brainer. 500 00:19:39,767 --> 00:19:43,509 Oh, Nadja, every new vampire comes up with this idea, 501 00:19:43,519 --> 00:19:45,467 and it's not what we do here. 502 00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:46,837 Oh. 503 00:19:46,847 --> 00:19:48,508 Okay. 504 00:19:48,518 --> 00:19:49,977 Thank you for your time. 505 00:19:49,987 --> 00:19:51,847 And so that is when I decided to quit 506 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,318 the Worldwide Supreme Vampiric Council and come home. 507 00:19:54,328 --> 00:19:56,194 Okay, this is ridiculous. You're all vampires. 508 00:19:56,204 --> 00:19:57,458 Just go to the bank and hypnotize the teller... 509 00:19:57,468 --> 00:19:58,928 Enough! 510 00:19:58,938 --> 00:20:01,232 - Whoa! - Whoa! - Shit! 511 00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,336 Whoa! 512 00:20:05,017 --> 00:20:08,280 I am telling you, we are going to open a vampire nightclub. 513 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:11,487 - Any questions? - Works for me. - Fine and dandy by this boy. 514 00:20:11,497 --> 00:20:12,866 What? 515 00:20:13,935 --> 00:20:16,429 So, was it great being back home 516 00:20:16,439 --> 00:20:17,532 in Al Qolnidar? 517 00:20:17,542 --> 00:20:18,801 No, it was not. 518 00:20:18,811 --> 00:20:20,437 I returned back to my village, 519 00:20:20,447 --> 00:20:22,341 and it was exactly how I left it, 520 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:25,414 except everyone had become vampires. 521 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,686 So, wasn't it nice to be among your own kind? 522 00:20:27,696 --> 00:20:28,888 I hated it. 523 00:20:28,898 --> 00:20:30,558 If everyone is a vampire, 524 00:20:30,568 --> 00:20:32,361 there's nothing special about being a vampire. 525 00:20:32,371 --> 00:20:33,898 It was not good for my mental health. 526 00:20:33,908 --> 00:20:35,902 - Are you two tits coming or what? - Yes, 527 00:20:35,912 --> 00:20:37,716 yes. There's no need to shout. 528 00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:41,346 - Oh. - Oh... 529 00:20:41,356 --> 00:20:42,883 Hello?! 530 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,520 - Guillermo, get the lights. - Guillermo, 531 00:20:44,530 --> 00:20:45,922 - get the lights. - Gizmo, get the lights. 532 00:20:45,932 --> 00:20:48,026 Why do I have to still do it? 533 00:20:48,036 --> 00:20:49,830 Oh. 534 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,934 - There you are. - Shit. 535 00:20:51,944 --> 00:20:53,738 What the hell are you doing? 536 00:20:53,748 --> 00:20:56,844 Just sitting here, waiting for you guys to come back. 537 00:20:56,854 --> 00:20:59,616 - For a year? - What? A year? 538 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:01,019 Oh, wow. 539 00:21:01,029 --> 00:21:03,056 Guess I was just so afraid if I got up, 540 00:21:03,066 --> 00:21:05,213 that would be the moment you would come in. 541 00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:06,797 You know? So I just waited. 542 00:21:08,343 --> 00:21:09,870 Well... 543 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,798 We have a lot of Council business to catch up on, huh? 544 00:21:13,294 --> 00:21:16,111 Actually, no. No more business as usual. 545 00:21:16,121 --> 00:21:19,885 - Change of direction. - Oh, that's something I really enjoy. 546 00:21:19,895 --> 00:21:21,494 - I'll tell you what it is. - Okay. 547 00:21:21,504 --> 00:21:25,000 We are opening a motherfucking vampire nightclub, baby! 548 00:21:25,010 --> 00:21:27,471 Cool. Where? 549 00:21:27,481 --> 00:21:28,584 Here. 550 00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:30,069 Yes. 551 00:21:30,079 --> 00:21:31,412 - No. - Yes. 552 00:21:31,422 --> 00:21:33,518 We are opening a vampire nightclub. 553 00:21:33,528 --> 00:21:36,791 And if any of you motherfuckers get in my way, 554 00:21:36,801 --> 00:21:40,474 you will surely live to regret it! 555 00:22:27,244 --> 00:22:29,760 - Synced and corrected by L0tech - -- www.addic7ed.com --